The UNCONSCIOUS motivations behind the narcissist's RAGE

ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramaninetwork.com
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@youngblood8540]

Narcissists don't remember all good you've done for them but they'll remember the few times you were wrong or did something they didn't like.

[@Renee60722]

Also, when you were not wrong, they will revise history to make you wrong.

[@shellysawchuk1190]

You can never do enough for them they are always raising the bar

[@rakheepatel9212]

And you will be punished and their wrath forever and ever every chance they get!

[@rakheepatel9212]

@@shellysawchuk1190Black Holes! Radical Acceptance

[@bagoodhuman143]

And narcs have so low bar . In place of radical acceptance and keep yourself safe from narc abuse .

[@yukio_saito]

A toddler's tantrum is a normal behavior, but an adult's tantrum is a red flag. 🚩

[@tracyroose750]

Hopefully the parent gently guides the toddler... throwing a tantrum is not the way to go about getting what you want, and sometimes you just flat-out do not get what you want. Hope you have a happy day. Take care.

[@mollycote1021]

Yes, my narcissistic husband has been out of my life for 6 months. He still try’s to bait me so he can have a tantrum. I don’t take the bait!

[@pamelarodriguez5674]

I have zero empathy for narcissists. ZERO. They are manipulative and self serving. Don't waste any emotions on these people. Completely move on where possible. Otherwise, keep contact to a minimum.

[@csmoothsk8ter17]

I have empathy for my Narcissistic mom.

[@ShaareiZoharDaas]

I have pity for them when not malignant, when malignant no quarter is given.​@@csmoothsk8ter17

[@gopremiummedia29455]

Not even the most highly trained bomb squad members could defuse a narcissist’s ego. It’s too risky.

[@johntracey4196]

that's because their nitroglycerin the most unstable

[@user-yn2en1tw3e]

I think building trust and coming from a place of love can help a victim be less reactive..but not the bully narcissist who acts like they aren't the circus director

[@jessmason2112]

It's a great video and ❤ podcast. Many truths and bells went off listening. In Chicagoland they use real pipe bombs. Thank God the State legalized gambling. 🙏😇

[@jenp5759]

Haha

[@jenp5759]

Haha

[@Rose19695]

Tbh, I'm done with compassion for these people. There are no excuses. I'm sensitive, was born into an abusive, narcissistic family, am messed up as all get out, but sought help and still manage to be a decent person. The majority of us victims are decent people. I'm not mean, but it doesn't matter what the reason is for somebody's abuse, I'm out. Their monkeys, their circus.

[@RobinSpeer]

Same with me, narcs have surrounded me my entire life from birth until now at 61 and I really don't have the compassion for narcs (or people in general) because of all the B.S. I've been through. I've been trying to sort this out for awhile but I'm still messed up. Narcs/toxic people just suck the life out of decent, caring people.

[@ericb8413]

I couldn’t have said it better myself! There’s no excuse for their life pattern of selfishness and abuse. They disgust me. The damage from a narcissistic parent is lifelong. Healing is possible but requires massive effort. I wish you the best in your recovery 😊

[@barbarawinslow3805]

I need to join this band wagon too. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not alone.

[@Akasanaesp]

Same, I'm done with being a caring and loving empath who gives multiple chances for redemption. I am now a conservative, careful and discerning empath who will only give ONE chance.

[@user-ut7hh3zb2f]

Same. I simply don't care what their "reason" is. I learned to NOT to.

[@precisionfrequency]

Whether they can control it or not, they ruin lives.

[@maryleamcturnan1809]

You said THAT. I was. Laid off” ha From TWO under supervised call center bull pits ( I was earning at lost $199/hour, many days 5,000$ in 8 hours. He’s in jail now, but I remain calcified

[@nugget6635]

It's DEFINITELY NOT just ego protection. It's also about making it bigger... Narcissists will attack in order to "conquer" spaces, monopolize conversations to fill their sense of entitlement. It is definitely an actively aggressive Power Hungry personality not just a defensive person. These people are POWER HUNGRY ENTITLED!

[@mday3821]

Yup!👍

[@user-qy2kd8os1y]

They are child tyrants trapped in adult bodies setting up their playground in the adult world.People are nothing more than toys at their disposal to play at being Julius Caesar or Cleopatra.

[@rubberbiscuit99]

Absolutely spot on. It's not just ego protection, it's ego expansion. The colonization of space, time, and souls.

[@alliwarwick5590]

It's like they're another species of human.

[@lousilver5852]

human?!

[@lifewithmargot]

Their brains 🧠 are defective!

[@user-bh6pq9oj9l]

You man DEMONIC, not human. They are tortured souls!

[@user-bh6pq9oj9l]

@@lousilver5852 Demonic more so. Tortured souls!

[@GeriRogers]

Absolutely true!!

[@kimberlymorrison4880]

When their own Mother tells you, "he's a Narcissist" BELIEVER her! She whispered in my ear when we dropped her off at the airport at one moment, "good luck with him". I was confused. Fast forward about 10 years, so much emotional damage to my kids and myself, I finally left. The peace....unbelievable. I wish I'd listened years ago. I'm sure she caused a great deal of the damage but she did try to warn me.

[@tictactoedias1908]

Just say no and omg 😮 instant rage .

[@RandyBrady2024]

Oh how I can relate

[@R.E.STAR24]

I wish I had've stuck to my guns and kept saying NO to his advances of wanting a relationship. He got so aggressive and nasty just because I didn't want to date him which led to me feeling guilty and giving in. I wish I never did. 4 years later I don't even know who I am anymore.

[@user-zs7xh6ot4u]

@@R.E.STAR24 I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you can regain your sense of self. Remember that as a human, you have inherent worth and dignity that is your birthright and does not need to be earned, despite the narcissist trying to brainwash you to believe otherwise.

[@R.E.STAR24]

@@user-zs7xh6ot4u thank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate that 🙏 it's just been a huge struggle staying away and I can't understand why I'm grieving someone who was so cruel to me. These monsters really know how to mess us up :(

[@tictactoedias1908]

@@R.E.STAR24 I’ve been going through this for 20 plus years, I was surrounded my narcissist (family) I didn’t know what I was dealing with at the time . I knew it was toxic and very dis functional but stayed till both my parents passed a few years ago . I walked away from all of them and started seeing a pyscoligist . I’m now in my late 60s and have been diagnosed with Complex ptsd . Please seek help, these people NEVER change ! They will destroy your sense of self , thank God I have a supportive husband who lived this nightmare with me , and always assured me it wasn’t me . I’m slowly but surely getting better although some day the grief is tough . Sending you loads of strength and huge hug 🤗

[@sherylhunter4040]

I stopped by to see my ex last night. I got yelled at. Cussing me like a dog. I’m calling the police. I didn’t do anything. But I got fed up. Why I moved out. I yelled back. Said F U. I left. I got health problems excruciating pain anxiety stress depression PTSD. From Him mostly. I don’t have to take it. He’s EVIL.

[@BflyMom_212]

@sherylhunter4040 I'm sorry you too have delt with a Narc Ex.. But, I'm glad you got out!! I too have many health issues and anxiety due to 30 years of marriage to a narcissist. I honestly at this point (8 months since he left) don't know who I am. I have gone through so many stages in 8 months, but I guess this is another phase I will have to figure out. I'm free and the divorce should be finalized by June!! 🎉🥳 I still have a long road to heal and lost the best years of My life. Much love ❤️ and best wishes for your new life. 🦋

[@therapytalk1]

when you need to speak with them, choose words carefully…

[@johntracey4196]

they can't hear you

[@cyndim8785]

That’s called “Walking on Eggshells”.

[@user-zs7xh6ot4u]

The problem is, there is no careful enough. If they need to attack you to feel better, they can and will twist anything you say, don't say, your facial expressions, body language - anything to allow them to release their attention by attacking you. Picture a wiseguy saying, "Hey, you looking at me?" to someone who is just minding their own business.

[@hurricaneaquatics]

It won't matter, you could try 50 different approaches and they will turn it against you every time. You can't communicate with a wall.

[@IanM-id8or]

There are literally no words I could choose that won't set my sister off. Of course, the only words I'll say to her now are, "You know you aren't allowed to come here, don't you? Leave now. The police are on their way"

[@mr.coffee6109]

My narcissistic sister targeted me every time she let off steam. I have gone no contact, I find her scary and do not trust her.

[@susisonnenschein5069]

same with me. I am really scared and i thought something is wrong with me. 😮

[@francescakoch8190]

Yep, mine too. It's like being confronted by a mad dog. You don't know what it might do next

[@rakheepatel9212]

I TAKE BACK MY POWER and CONTROL to save my Soul and SANITY ❤

[@annmariekeim9553]

The screaming raging was so much a large part of my late mother's personality style. There might have been a short time when she controlled herself better and she said, " did you notice I didn't scold for a while" She seemed really aware of what she was doing and who she could do it with.

[@elderlypoodle9181]

Oh yes! My mother also.

[@wayneelliott1180]

Yes. Mother Dearest would turn "Hello" into an argument just so she could scream and yell, belittle, then have the last word thinking she won something. they know what they are doing - attempting to dominate and control the target.

[@yourmybeans]

Yeah when you call a narc crazy when they are being crazy it makes them even more crazy

[@wissn2112]

And they will say... Well you should look in a mirror. They have a response for everything.

[@sarahcole7804]

Or tell one she’s on crack when she is lol she blew up on me n I ended up calling the cops on her eventually she wouldn’t get away from my apartment door trying to barge in. She started the entire argument n then when I said something very true she didn’t expect me to know the rage reaction was insane. Then she went on a huge smear campaign after trying to make sure no one listens to me but it doesn’t work for her as much as she wants as I’m everyone’s tattoo artist in my tiny town lol n she can’t make people hate me as much as she wants too. 😏🤣🤣 but this fueds been going on a year n half n she’ll either end up with charges or I’ll be 💀☠️ who knows really lol I refuse to be her little whipped follower tho as she’s completely ruined my apartment building complex with her toxic bs. Most ppl are too scared to say Anything to her as she blows up right lol 😂

[@wayneelliott1180]

Its not the fragility that's so problematic. It's their vengeful attitude where they think they have the right to ruin someone else's life - the person who has done no wrong except to get away from their toxic manipulation.

[@carolynkepler2826]

I think jealousy is what drove my mother’s narcissism. She hated being upstaged by anyone.

[@mmmmarada]

I'm so glad researchers are studying this and getting a handle on how aggressive these people are. Watching the news and seeing how many leaders of countries are ready to threaten other nations with potential war, I think the time has come for people to be able to spot this form of insanity and not allow these people to be in positions of power. I looked up the DSM definition of narcissism so many times in my marriage to a narcissist, and the definition was so lacking that it didn't seem to fit, and I would go back to doubting myself and siding with the couples' therapists we saw who thought I was the problem. I so wish people were taught basic psychology and sociology all throughout the school years. We should be trained in how to spot aggressive people of all kinds and know how to stay safe from them.

[@67laquaa]

I could sense when he was stewing... And I could always predict that in a day or two he was going to erupt. His patterns were usually on Sundays, because he was so pissed off about having to start a new work week at a job he didn't like. Sundays were usually when he would erupt, and I called them psycho Sundays. After living my life constantly on edge waiting for the bomb to drop, my health has been damaged from marinating and cortisol constantly. Now I have heart issues.

[@alliwarwick5590]

Gosh I hope you got out. The tension is beyond healthy and your cortisol levels do so much damage to your health. 😪

[@wildhorses6817]

​@@hurricaneaquatics you were very fortunate to survive and recover. These are very evil people and dangerous.

[@hurricaneaquatics]

@@wildhorses6817 ty. I'm still in it working on getting out. Took me a long time to wrap my head around this ridiculousness. I knew people could be bad, but never thought my own wife would be the one that did me in.

[@67laquaa]

@@alliwarwick5590 thank you, I am out now, but still trying to deal with the lasting physical damage.

[@mmmmarada]

My daughter and I are practicing trauma informed yoga, and it so helps for getting rid of tension and getting back in touch with our bodies so we can tell when we are walking around with our shoulders up to our ears. I really recommend finding a practice like that which helps you alleviate stress and pent up anxiety. I wish you all the best in healing from this.

[@MsGlitterBombz]

This is exactly my ex, what you're describing. He was constantly saying he's vigilant, and would jump at any "threat". It was weird. Then, he began to turn that on me. He would yell and go psycho whenever I had any critique or criticism, even if I was polite about it. Every single time. If I said something not criticism but just something he didn't like, he would yell at me. Even had the audacity to tell me I was the one being aggressive LOL.

[@maryshkamiceli8388]

Is your ex former military or law enforcement?

[@Strengtheningselffirst2]

@@maryshkamiceli8388spot-on!!!!!

[@wildhorses6817]

Yes, I experienced similar with ex and during one discussion he actually ran across the room and physically assaulted me. That was The End. Raging and then physical attack. These people are not safe, they are not stable, they always LIE and Steal. Never have friends who rage, they are dangerous.

[@Valir15]

lol youre describing my bf 😂

[@MS-yf9dw]

"Psychological vomiting." How interesting... It puts the words of my wife in a new light for me. A very good comparison. I never thought of it like that.

[@user-cn7mz7bt8y]

Yes, narcissistic rage vomit is a great comparison. Especially how they feel relief afterwards but we're left with the vomit all over us.

[@MS-yf9dw]

@user-cn7mz7bt8y I remember this from my childhood: My father would get angry and say something hurtful to me or to my mom. We would both be shocked, think about it for hours if not days... And he would come back minutes later, all smiles. Speaking to us in a normal, not angry voice, about something else. As if nothing just happened. We could never understand it. His sudden change from anger to calmness. Sometimes, he would even try to kiss me or my mom, I guess, in an effort to apologize... I don't know about my mom, but I was never ready for this kiss. For me, it came too soon. I was still all shaken up inside. Therefore, I agree with the analogy. The vomit left all over the people whom he vomited on. But for him, it was relief. Vomiting made him feel better, almost immediately. Wow, what a great way of explaining it. My dad would verbally attack my mom... for anything, really. Like for dressing too provocatively. "Only prostitutes wear red." And so she was never allowed to. The same goes for lipstick... And with all my experiences from childhood, all the things I remember to this day, how come I married a narcissist myself? Now I have a wife, turning my life into a living hel. She never says anything positive about me... If she opens her mouth, it is to give me orders or to criticise me for doing something incorrectly. I married this girl to have lots of sex. For me, that was the whole point of marriage. By marrying her, I made a booking, a reservation, to have sex for the rest of my life... but now, there is none. And the fact that I'm married keeps me from finding... even from looking for a different woman. I'm stuck. Outside of my family, I have no one to talk to. No friends. But that doesn't stop my wife from accusing me of having a girlfriend... I wish!

[@HoneyBunny.]

​@MS-yf9dw If your wife is constantly accusing you of cheating, she is probably feeling guilty for doing what she is accusing you of. Try and find evidence, if she is, keep said evidence and use it if you divorce her. That will hopefully keep her from taking to much. 👍🙏

[@MS-yf9dw]

@HoneyBunny. I tried. I thought she was having an affair: There were bruises on the inside of her thies. All new underwear. She was taking dietary supplements for people trying to conceive. And medicaments for some infection of her private parts... She easily explained it all. Or so she thought... The bruises were from pole dancing class. The supplements (for women who are trying to have a baby or are breastfeeding) had the best vitamins in them. The vaginal suppositories and the creams... I'm not satisfied with her answer: She didn't really address my concerns on this matter. "Just some infection." And that's it, no more on this subject? The time we were sleeping together, I had never seen her take vaginal globules. But when we stopped, she got infected? How strange... Now, there could be an explanation for this. Perhaps dryness caused by menopause? But she never explained it like that. What I know for sure is that she wasn't doing any of these things for me... When she was shaving her legs before going out, it was not for me. Because she was not going out with me... And she was not coming back home to me. We sleep in different rooms. And have done so for a long time. When she goes out, she wears trousers. So who is she showing her legs to? I asked her once about this. "It's for the swimming pool." The only problem being, the pool she goes to, was closed for a month at the time. That's more than enough time for her hair to grow back... And so I paid a lot of money to a private detective. He came back with nothing. Or did he? On the days he followed her, she didn't meet with a man. She was meeting with people in mixed groups. Or just with girls. Especially one girl would pop up on more than one occasion... Picking her up, driving her back home, and talking for a really long time in the stationary car, parked at the end of our street... It all seems so familiar! That's exactly what she did with me... We met in class. After class, I would take her to some McDonald's, and then I would drive her home. But our conversation wasn't over, so we sat in my car and talked. And now she is doing the same thing but with a girl. Repetitive behavior... I guess practice makes perfect, and she is really good at it! Pulling all the information from her supply, to be later used against her victim. Already, she knows the girl's weakness! She has a squeaky voice. She is ashamed of it, she thinks it's childish... It's just a matter of time before my wife uses this information against her! Probably, she will tell her to shut up because with a voice like that, she should not speak... I want to give my books about narcissism to this girl... so much. But no. Maybe my wife will leave with her, and I'll be free. And then, I can give my books to her.

[@MS-yf9dw]

@HoneyBunny. I've just been cycling in the park, listening to "I've been cheated by you, since I don't know when," by ABBA. How true! :) I even bought paternity tests because I'm not sure when she started cheating on me. Maybe she has never cheated... Maybe it started just recently? Let's say, after 8 or 10 years of marriage... But then, on the other hand, maybe she has been lying to me from the beginning! She was pregnant at the time we married. I thought it was mine... that's what she told me, but who knows... The tests will put my mind at ease... Or they will be evidence for my lawyer! But she is like a snake... She will wiggle her way out of it... Even if the tests prove that the twins are not mine, she will say I knew it and accepted it! And she will find some way to blame me... for this, that, and the other! ;)

[@alliwarwick5590]

Funny when my ex was found out (cheating on more than one occassion) he gaslighted me by not acknowledging my accusations. Not once did he answer me and quickly changed the subject he was confronted with. He knew he was caught red-handed but became unravelled whenever he became uncomfortable and was unable to answer honestly. It was so awkward because the entire subject would change direction and never have any relation to what we were discussing. I eventually stopped discussing anything that upset me because his reality was only his reality.

[@marjoriemurray4381]

That is interesting, because there were several times when I caught the man I was married to off guard, and the expression on his face was ANGER, RAGE AND SHOCK.

[@wildhorses6817]

Yes, they always have that internally because they are leading secret lives, stealing funds, having affairs, doing Evil or planning Evil.

[@eq2092]

My narc mom would have these rage fits without provocation. I would do nothing wrong and something like the batteries would die in the remote control and she would scream at me. Or she would come home from work and I can be home studying and she would open the door and immediately begin screaming and berating me. I would have no idea what for but after awhile I knew it didn't matter. I now live 1000 miles away. Last time she visited i picked her up at the Airport, she started talking about her favorite subject, health and doctors visit especially how her doctor doesn't know anything i made some benign comment about cholesterol and i could see she was fighting back the urge to rage on me about how everything her Doctor says about Cholesterol is wrong. I inew then that in 30-years she hasn't changed at all. That started me down the road of going no contact.

[@eadler5929]

I admire that so much. I would have given her points an inordinate amount, for fighting back the words. And, ultimately, she would have seen this as license to blow. (I am 4 years into no contact with a sister but I never figured out what you just described in a relationship with a aan. ) Thank you. They all do not change.

[@dashabateman4409]

Seeing my father smash a video game controller when playing with a child was certainly a huge red flag ! One if the first times I thought .... Maybe something isn't right

[@rakheepatel9212]

DEEP has to literally be the mantra prior to any interaction with these scam actors/ actresses of the year. Keep your golden blood safe all you survivors and warriors. You are loved❤

[@Renee60722]

My ex would scream at me for hours, literally hours, jerk my hands away when I tried to plug my ears, and prevent me from leaving the house which I didn't know was kidnapping until I got a restraining order.

[@bagoodhuman143]

Never let that ex back ever

[@Renee60722]

@@bagoodhuman143 Unfortunately, we each own houses close together, sharing two adult special needs sons.

[@juliocastillo6962]

Comprehensive and clear, the world must take this mental disorder seriously. Thank you!

[@justjulie4958]

Dissociating during rageful occasions is a mechanism that helps you survive. You need to remember that whole fire is not yours to put out, and stay away lest you get burned.

[@f.frederickskitty2910]

My husband erupts like Mt. Vesuvius spewing hate and screaming like a banshee. He quickly moves on from the minor trigger to insulting me and my dead parents to throwing past confidences in my face as weapons. It's a full on personal attack. It's so shattering and it tears me down to a little girl. He must know it's unacceptable because an hour later he acts like it never happened. I've laid down boundaries for what I will not tolerate but I guess he didn't believe me - this past weekend he got his final warning after 40 years: do it again and I move out while you're at work. He'll do it again, he won't be able to help himself.

[@victoriaboell5155]

I'm at 35 years. I just can't financially leave. I hear yor.

[@turnbacktime65]

I hope you stick with your decision to leave. Stay tough. Grey rock.❤😊

[@francescakoch8190]

​@@victoriaboell5155same here. 38 years now 😢

[@the.toxic.phoenix]

The tantrums are the worst... My nex would follow me from room to room or block the doorway, he'd ignore me if I asked to talk about it later, he'd deflect, word vomit, bring up random unrelated stuff, then later he'd act like nothing happened 😳 really really creepy

[@lenageorge1686]

Excellent video. Especially loved the part at 11:45 - how to raise a child with a solid sense of self to minimise the chance of creating a narcissist. So interesting.

[@rakheepatel9212]

Dr Ramani it’s NOT unconscious they DO IT ALL done intentionally for them and only them!

[@rakheepatel9212]

Soul sucking vampites

[@rakheepatel9212]

It’s so sad how hollow they are its mind blowing but the education for the past 5 years you have been filling my soul with and especially this year with your It’s not You bible I can finally breathe and walk on the coals of fire armed

[@maryamsani7593]

It's very dangerous, especially in our African settings, where black magic is used to destroy people or even end the lives of their victims. Knowledge about nassissm is low here which makes it a lot more dangerous, because navigating the process is not easy. Thank for the insight.

[@sushmayen]

My narc spouse and MIL show their fangs only to me otherwise they're nice to others. I imagine them as cartoon characters.

[@SpiritAnimal1212]

Why would you stay married to your narc spouse?

[@sushmayen]

@@SpiritAnimal1212 divorce might not be an option for many people either due to kids or financial matters.

[@maryshkamiceli8388]

Living in that kind of relationship is so exhausting and over time, can lead to serious health problems from the chronic stress. Speaking from experience. 😒

[@jenp5759]

So exhausting. By the time I decided to wave the white flag I was a broken shell of a person and my kids and I both suffered for too long.

[@cynthialangley9374]

My spouse, leverages people against me saying I’m unreasonable when I set a boundary, angry when I gray rock, and mean when I call him out on his 💩.

[@6ftofpurebrownsugar]

My parent always gets defensive when i try to speak with them. It’s seams as if they can’t comprehend what I’m saying and they can only understand a few key words and focus on them. I just give up.

[@kathleendinsmore7588]

This is eye opening! As a society we need to re-evaluate and prioritize our values.

[@wildhorses6817]

We also need to officially manage this much better to avoid the harm they cause people. Police seem to take their side because they are totally calm once police arrive and the person attacked us hysterical and crying and traumatized. This is a huge failure in the system. All Domestic Violence calls needs a mental health professional included and referral to free mental health services for people involved. That won't happen , it costs money.

[@sarahwood1783]

Fascinating... my ex used to follow me around the house standing in front of me demanding that we "finish" our argument after I would tell him I needed space (due to his raging word salad accusations)

[@christinelamb1167]

Oh my gosh, same! I had a boyfriend years ago who did that to me constantly! I would beg him to please just let me have some time alone, and we could talk about it later. He would keep going on and on with the raging word salad! I put up with 7 years of that, smh. Never again!

[@ajwright16]

That tension buildup, yes! I finally recognized this after a few years. I become aware of her building tension and find myself trying to be calm and supportive and gently inquiring about how she’s doing. Inevitability the tantrum comes, and a firehose of toxic words and attitude come at me. Afterwards I’m a deflated mess, and she is calm and upbeat and annoyed if I don’t mirror her. And yes, I am working on how to take care of myself and how to deal with the practicalities of exiting.

[@angevin6679]

Yep. You can feel the tension in the house like electricity. They'll soon burst and you don't know if to ask what's wrong or not. If you don't then "you don't care!". If you ask gently and kindly then "you don't leave me be with my thoughts!" And then they burst out on you. "It's because 3 weeks ago you said" insert here something" and then you also said and did "..." a week ago!

[@IanM-id8or]

My narcs never calmed down. Well, my father eventually calmed down, but only because he died. My sister is probably still raging - I went full no-contact with her in 1994, and she stalked me incessantly until 2009 when I got a friend to write "RTS DEC'D" on her last letter & sent it back to her. She's only stalked me occasionally since then. I'm almost looking forward to the next time she turns up at my door. I've got a camera now. I'm gonna get her reaction on video when I tell her she isn't allowed to be here because of her violence

[@kriswinters4225]

The scariest moments of my mom's rage episodes for me weren't the screaming, the theatrics, the word salad, or even the demeaning things she would call me during the ranting. It was the flipping of the switch right after she was done. She would smile, chuckle, make jokes, and look + sound like the happiest ray of sunshine (sometimes she would also call herself that and be dead serious). I felt terrified that I was losing my mind. And she knew it, too, which would make her smile bigger.

[@mmmmarada]

My soon to be ex- husband is a narcissist, and his mom is like that, so I really feel for you. I'm so glad you can see that it's all her and that you are perfectly sane. The nastiness is so toxic, and I hope you do not take any of that on.

[@kriswinters4225]

​@@mmmmaradaThank you. I am glad it sounds like you are in the process of leaving your narcissists. I went no contact with my parents a few years ago. Even after I "resumed contact" when she started going thru medical things, I keep it limited to mostly her medical conditions and use firewalling / grey-rocking to reinforce my boundaries. Her husband despises it, so once he saw I was not budging he went no contact with me.

[@mmmmarada]

@@kriswinters4225 I had to look up firewalling. Thank you for that. It's so helpful, especially while going through the divorce process with someone who would rather "get even" than compromise and move on. Your relationship with your mom and her partner seems impossible to stay emotionally safe in, so I'm really glad you have great boundaries and that you went no contact, too. 🙏

[@johnscully2637]

I think that it is the, 'mum' narcissists that are the most damaging, because they are doing it to children. All the best.

[@mmmmarada]

@@johnscully2637 I have always wanted to write and illustrate children's books, and lately I think about making modern folk tales so kids understand what emotional abuse is. We used to have fairy tales like Hansel and Gretel to help kids understand evil. I am starting to think about how you could modernize the old tales so kids see that they are beautiful and good, and it's the adults shaming them who are ugly inside.

[@therapytalk1]

fascinating… they ARE different, in ways that can be proven. love this. thank you

[@watchinfireflies7201]

I need some prayers 🙏 I just left my husband bc I can't take it anymore. We've been together for 17 years! Im afraid and mad at myself. We have two boys, 14 and 12. It's so hard... I'm just trying to keep it together.

[@mohammedmohammedgaini5048]

Same here leaving my wife.nobody will handle Narcissist person especially if you are normal human being

[@turnbacktime65]

You can do it. Stay strong! Your boys need you free of the narc so they can see good examples of family behavior.❤

[@enzobrualla7386]

you're not alone same here😢

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

As someone raised by a narcissistic mother I feel a few of the traits you raised at the beginning familiar. Fortunately I can self regulate and have no need to cause chaos for chaos sake.

[@beverlyadams7205]

My daughter would come home from work and no matter what I said she’d start picking at me until she was in a rage. I Would say to her let’s have a do over. She would then be fine and acting like a normal person. I didn’t know for a long time how much Her raging at me had taken a toll on me. So glad that I don’t have to deal with her anymore. I’m 17 months free of this relationship.

[@lisawells9905]

I lived with narcissist all my life. I slowly broke free over time, only to meet more narcissist. The latest one lives close by. I said not again, went no contact.

[@turnbacktime65]

It is so hard to break our pattern. Keep listening to dr r. ❤😊

[@DaveYaz0888]

An ex had a saying which disclosed a self awareness that is disturbing. “The best defense is a strong offense. “. In other words attack at any provocation. That saying used to bother me a bit on a strictly moral basis, but in retrospect, it’s simply scary.

[@peachesmcgee4795]

I've always felt like my narc sisters "whipping boy". Whenever things are going badly for her, she gets in touch and rages about some perceived slight that i'm supposed to have made.It's like she's using me to regulate herself. I'm wising up to it though and getting ready to go no contact.

[@4Beats4Me]

Somedtimes it seems more proactive than reactive. Time for control...!

[@DaivaGestautas]

Wow! This is the best explanation of the cause of rages that I have ever heard. Understanding this gives more help in dealing with narcissistic people and learning to step outside of oneself, observe, and not engage either externally, but most importantly internally thus preserving one's integrity. Please do more videos on psychopathology. Thank you.

[@cece9770]

No, you absolutely hit the nail on the head. The only way to prevent narcissism is to have a mass intervention of parenting. Which will never happen, because that’s insanity and would simply result in a dystopian nightmare. It sounds absolutely doomsday, but I think we’re all screwed. Because there’s no stopping it. It’s the saddest thing to witness. And as a mother, I feel all I can do is teach my son how to protect himself have empathy, but not too much. Teaching him how to stand up for himself, have empathy, be wary of others and how to navigate toxic behaviors in others and preventing him from developing toxic behaviors through self love, confidence building and self control is proving to be quite the challenge.

[@Angellove17]

I was beat up by my narcissistic brother. My father and other brother were there and they enabled the narcissistic actions and actually played all the victims of what called was a smear campaign created by me against them. My whole family basically sided with them. It is still to this day super confusing how this happened and the grossness of the whole situation. It really made me put boundaries up with these 3 people even if they are family members. Till this day they still try to manipulate me for their own benefit and get upset when it doesn't work.

[@victoriaboell5155]

Walking on egg shells... My mother day dinner was eaten, with my narc husband, narc mother in law zilla. 29 yr old narc son, and his girlfriend of 7 years. We had no conversations. Literally, zero words were spoken. I was not going to engage, explain, defend. I said, nothing! That is not how my family dinners were. Youngest of 5. 2 parents were narc. Although, my siblings are narc's, too. I never thought I'd say it, but I am estranged from my 2 brothers.

[@shobhnakapoor1399]

Sibling estrangement is very common. Often the narc parent grooms the golden child to be a narcissist. Then different generations of family mob-attack the scapegoat/black sheep

[@KjellWilliams]

At 3:00 : "Narcissists are forever vigilant for threat". This rings true! My narc ex-wife would some times ridicule me for being so naive as to trust strangers. When I pointed out that I treat every stranger as a potential friend while she treats every stranger as a potential enemy, she agreed. I also once asked if she considered every conversation a debate to be won, she agreed. Always vigilant

[@jessmason2112]

❤ You going up against a narcissist you are going to have to have your spiritual house in order. Their use of rage and manipulation is a reflection 🪞 of the deep shadow self and their fragility. That fragility is derived from that psychological shadow(guilt from past behaviors which they hide or deny). They project this in order to continue with wearing their psychological masks. ( Presentation of upstandingness and honesty) Especially when there is fraud, prostitution, and illegal activities. (They have to be right ) Aggression is only one tool they reach for often. Beating on little chicky, physical assault, yelling and screaming, demanding, hacking, stalking, fraud and using manipulation. They have their own psychological game and play by their own rules .I grew up in Chicagoland and High trust society is full of narcissistic types. IMHO and experience. Thats as real as it gets.

[@MichaelBroder]

My greatest regret is that I think towards the end-the last five years or so-I did become cruel to him and I realize now that at that point that behavior on my part should’ve told me that it was time to leave, but I stayed.

[@raegeh-fv9sm]

Thank you for mentioning;following you from room to room. My evil step monster would do this and every therapist I have had claims my mental illness was making this up.

[@notagain779]

Oh, Wow. This explains something that happened to me in high school German class. We had a teacher named Frau Ewald. She must be long dead by now. She'd grown up in a farming family in Germany. I was taking another class about medieval life in Europe, basically, the feudal system of life then. One day I mentioned "the peasant class" of Europe. She absolutely had a meltdown. As an American in the 1980's, I couldn't understand what had set her off so strongly. She never explained, but kept ranting on about what a stupid girl I was!

[@carolnimitz1317]

I have the non-covert volcano narc over here.

[@cyndim8785]

Me too..

[@WWZenaDo]

I suspect that the buildup of tension and explosive release is the narcissist's way to get a 'hit' of another one of their favorite drugs - adrenaline. Narcissists seem to LOVE creating chaos and confusion around them, and I suspect that's connected to their desire for a dose of adrenalin.

[@barbarawinslow3805]

That research also shows why a narcissist is so easily drawn to the attention of others when that person strokes their ego; you’re so handsome, so successful, etc. They draw to positive words then like a fly to a flame even if they are happy with their current relationship. Science proves that they can’t resist can they?

[@user-zs7xh6ot4u]

My brother used to do this when we were children - he would (randomly to me) physically abuse me (because I was smaller, although older and do not have it in my nature to physically hurt someone) and then he was happier afterwards, while I was shattered. I felt like something was wrong with me because I was his target - but now it seems logical because my brothers were larger and older than him and would have fought back.

[@nollie9311]

My son does this to my daughter and it breaks my heart. He just turned 6, she turns 5 in less than 2 months. This is far beyond typical sibling fighting. This is violent, aggressive, destructive abuse. My heart hurts for my daughter. Tonight my son lied to her saying he broke her tree, and as she was looking at it, he threw dirt in her face and eyes and mouth. I m

[@leveticus1461]

I'm super thankful to my teachers during primary and middle school ❤ They gave me the validation my parents never did.

[@silvija9277]

I my theory they replaced dignity with pride. The solution to protected their pride would be to find dignity which wouldn't allow them to the pour things they do.

[@Thedisgardedoptimist]

That goes with the selective amnesia, they'll take the word in the sentence that is perceived as negative and react to that word...thanks doc.

[@bayliedwards6806]

Those paintings, I love them! Sorry if this wasn't "ok"... But they're so great👍😎!

[@stupensardi2783]

They are fun to make too. Try finding some acrylic poor painting videos on KZbin and give it a go yourself. 🤗❣️

[@karaburks905]

I was thinking the same thing.... squirrel.... I could look at them forever. Anyone know how to make some?

[@user-zs7xh6ot4u]

I do think we could do more to prevent narcissism or at least reign in their behavior by making it culturally and socially unacceptable, instead of lionizing it. I have seen narcissism where the focus is individualistic (How dare you thwart me) AND collectivistic (How dare you go against the family) and I found both equally harmful. Thank you for this video. I have found that even people who understand that a narcissist's behavior is unacceptable, still have difficulty acknowledging the aggression and threat of violence. I have felt physically threatened and been told (by guys, who are obviously less physically vulnerable) that, surely I am overreacting and the person couldn't be capable of violence (despite the fact that they physically abused me when I was a child). There is one family member that I will never be alone in a room with (or allow my children to be alone with) because I trust my gut feeling that he is physically dangerous. The menace he projects may just be for intimidation purposes, but I don't want to take a chance.

[@dakoderii4221]

And collectivist(How dare you go against the experts, science, or government)

[@baronessdebadassiere2289]

This is my younger sister. I’m going no contact because I can’t take the abuse anytime she doesn’t understand something or someone and goes on the attack.

[@peachesmcgee4795]

I'm in the same boat! It's exhausting..

[@bagoodhuman143]

Psychological Vomit so much true , well said doctor , it makes a lot of sense which I still manage with the narc ex as I coparent (actually parenting alone ) my kids Your videos are so helpful and educative thanks heaps

[@jenp5759]

OMG…my ex used to throw himself on the ground wherever he was banging his head to get his way. The neighbours observed him do it on the sidewalk. His poor mom. She didn’t help him (or I and our kids) by making different dinners for him if he didn’t like what they were having etc.

[@debbiejahnke8724]

Thank you. This is quite thought provoking. We live in a society that doesn’t support families. I think this is the hidden cost of short term gains at the top. Ultimately can we sustain like this? I don’t think the planet has enough resources.

[@tumblebugspace]

"Fragile ego" is an excellent, accurate description of the practitioners in the psychological services industry. They're so narcissistic *as a group* that they cannot admit that their own colleagues *traffic children.* I doubt they'll ever self-examine! Their activities are too profitable for that. The public must *demand accountability from them.* Thanks, Dr. Ramani! ☮❤🐾

[@user-ku5vm5jb1h]

Have MRIs been done to see if certain parts of the brain are functioning differently in these people? Like it sounds like the amygdala is over active. Which happens when there’s trauma.

[@bloodstripeleatherneck1941]

They don't have the ability to feel remorse, regret, or guilt. That part of the brain didn't develop correctly, and yes you can see it.

[@ligianeanza412]

Thank you dr Ramani. This video helped me approach settlement talks this monday. Slow down and don’t seem threatening

[@noormohamed2991]

Thank YOU for spreading the knowledge and wisdom!🙏God bless you always ❤

[@karen0karen]

wow. this is incredible. Ive felt like Ive known this forever considering my personal interactions with narcissists and my obsession with true crime.

[@greaterperspective819]

They 100% understand it's an important key and a must in the 48 laws of power

[@moniquejackson7741]

Brilliant compilation of powerful reminders. Thank you!

[@weatherfluctuations805]

Thank you for speaking to those who are incapable of detaching. You nailed this, and I’ve always known this and absolutely “try” not to let her push my buttons. Worst thing about it, is that no matter how it comes at me, it hurts, and no matter how much I know she is absolutely oblivious, it doesn’t make it any easier. It already has taken years off my life, as it is “never ending” and resides in all circumstantial exchanges with her. It is “Relentless,” no matter how much I humble myself… Now that she is 87, it only gets worse as the days go by. I try to inject acceptance into everything….

[@AmorYMigas]

From what I see in my sister, she’s pretty pleased once she’s had her rage-tantrum. Once she’s done, she’s got everybody either trying to fix the world to make her happy (or at least happy-ish) and she is again the focus, the one everybody will need to consider before taking another step. Back to status quo for her!

[@franfleck]

🤔So that‘s why they need sooooooo much atention, compliments, prises, approval and nice feedbacks. Because it is immemnsely less valuable or shocking than the bad ones for them. Looks like an economic system where you need more coins of less value to make the same amount of less coins with superior value.

[@donnaschnare7029]

Wow this is right on target! I can refer to numerous circumstances where this occurred with a narcissistic family member

[@wissn2112]

She has an immediate response to everything in a micro second. Its amazing. Its a pattern. They are so fast they talk over others. They find any blame. They are so fast to name call me.. She ended up calling the dog to move and name call the dog of what was on her mind to call me in a split second. Insane.

[@RandyBrady2024]

My experience lends credence to this study and your commentary.

[@susankosh5463]

This makes sense more than most content that I've heard on this subject. That said, even the " friends" of this sort of person, cannot constantly tell them that they're doing right when they're not as it's immoral after a certain point to CATER to them ..

[@WithAnEss]

Is this why a narc will cherry pick negativity from within a sentence. For instamce- Taking out the garbage is smelly, disgusting, and necessary... "narcs name" is the best for the job. Will the narc focus on the two negative words and not hear the actual full statement? Am I understanding this correctly?

[@user-iq4jh8jo3o]

After peppering me with how averse he was to conflict during the love bombing phase, I realized that creating chaos and blaming others for it was his sole mission in life. Red flag number one: someone who tells you early on about how cool they are.

[@wissn2112]

If they don't have drama. They run their mouth to create it.

[@FranciscaEcheverry]

In that line of aggression, they also provoke aggression from their victims, by poking them over and over until they explode, just to have the prove to accuse them and manipulate them even further

[@user-yn2en1tw3e]

If you have been group manipulated and the group literally gets off on it, the person bullied....if done so long enough....responds to negative deceptive narcissists in the same though......in other words, the target becomes raw from the injury. How do you twill the difference

[@gtrmarv333]

OH MY !!! I am a year n half removed . But i have NEVER witnessed such crazy rage !! As it is happening .. you have no words .. You later ( insanely ) excuse it .. Until it happens again .. Then .... you realize

[@sharicoburn5475]

Does passive aggressiveness count as aggression

[@bloodstripeleatherneck1941]

Yes

[@sharicoburn5475]

@@bloodstripeleatherneck1941 okay thanks

[@AnnePerkins-po5jo]

Red flag: summarily dismissing science and scientific research! It's a big threat to narcs, though it should be welcome to help understand the personality, like empathic people want to do. Just as the idea of getting therapy is poison to some narcs. Thanks for this, Dr Ramani.

[@Kayra-Letsdothis]

In my quest to understand what the f*** is going on, I am trying to educate myself on the narcissist. You have been a Godsend. I am having a very hard time processing Why do they inflict the very thing they fear the most onto those of us around them?

[@joannafennell7134]

Very scary. The link between narcissism and violence, e.g. mass shootings. Actually, the explosive tension release has not been my experience in my narcissistic relationship. My husband is very self disciplined and controls his emotions. No displays of anger. Just coldness and silences and psychological vengeance, at times sadistic.

[@mellymelle860]

My family, my bosses and exes all showed narc rage and aggression.

[@kathleensmith8365]

Yes. It is dangerous. Finally at last there is some proof.

[@sharicoburn5475]

So Dr Ramani, about the blow ups. What about when you're in a relationship with a narcissist and you finally get so frustrated because you can't get through to them in any way and you're the one that blows up does that mean that we are the problem?

[@turnbacktime65]

No. It means you’ve reached the end of your rope. 😊

[@user-ss9fe8oi6d]

I know Brad. He's a very nice guy and probably the most prolific scholar studying video games and violence today. I love the work he's doing on narcissism because, ,surprisingly, not many people are studying narcissism and media outside the context of expressions of vanity within social media. IMO, narcissism characterizes the standard behavioral script of the hero in the typical U.S. action film.