Do narcissists know they hurt you?

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@steventheartist7667]

After they hurt you ,they approach you like nothing happen.

[@princessak21]

And it’s normal till you find out they have a mental illness and thats when it gets scary

[@raia9]

Denial is not a eiver in Eypet

[@momfromnj911]

Spot on

[@vallang4832]

I went through this and told him I never wanted to see him again. He told people I was cheating on him. 🤦‍♀️

[@2244jem]

Yes! They are crazy! They lack feelings they think they are entitled to anything. They have a God complex.

[@laurabriese9506]

A repeat pattern of hurting someone is called a Decision

[@DvCM]

There you go.

[@giuliana5888]

Ultimately yes

[@jbbbygrace8301]

GREAT POINT!! Exactly 🎯 ~

[@hallehconger823]

Been there twice. U r 100% correct. Why is that so hard for us to accept though?

[@areilly2496]

I heard that! ❤️

[@michellem775]

What really gets under my skin is when the next day after they treated you like trash they act as if nothing happened. Crack jokes or love bomb you. It's really crazy-making.

[@ladyhanny7395]

Yes and i always forgave, got it now. Never remorse, never appology, supposedly he helps everybody. But the reality is, everybody helps him for nothing.

[@eperon]

What they fail to remember- God is watching and taking notes.

[@kiera6972]

They would also wait for you until your anger dies down. Then they will reapproach you again. When you try to open up the issue. They will 💯 say they can no longer remember and will sweep it under the rug. Pretending that its in the past and both of you must move forward. Manipulating you to let go of their bad behaviors towards you. Or they would apologize but they will still do it all over again after some time has passed. They never ever change no matter how many chances you give or how long you’d wait. Because they don’t value “the chance” you gave them. They will think they can always do anything abusive and expect that you still wont leave. Ive been circling this kind of world myself thats why I am able to see. Its a very very lonely, painful life to live in. I wish to be able to break it…someday.

[@josejuja]

Then they get angry and accuse you of not loving them for feeling hurt and withdrawing after they hurt you. How can they do that?

[@francescapoteet5481]

It makes you have trust issues, especially with other women in my case... and I cannot stand to be criticized because I learned to do anything I could to be as perfect as possible. Not that that mattered with her.

[@tonidavidson3392]

I spent a very long time wanting him to see how he hurt me and feel remorse. I finally realized he will never be sorry. You can't be sorry if you never think you do anything wrong.

[@arajo5773]

I spent a long time too trying to make the friendship work, trying to make sense of things, trying to explain things from my perspective, giving her the chance to remedy things when I've already tried from my part... And it hit home to me in a final round of attempt to make things work, that they know (what the issue is), they just don't care (to fix it bcoz they had a "better" supply).

[@ellenlewis9860]

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.!!!!!!!

[@pamemarald3601]

exactly, you go round and round in circles and when u finally find out its the same circle again, you have already gone through it enough times, thats when u just quietly leave...

[@sarahblythe2755]

Correct 100 percent!

[@aminamuhammad4578]

Yes!!! I think this is why it continues

[@pandoraw259]

They know what they are doing. They don't do it to everybody.

[@PlatinumInfinity]

This is True! The do turn it on and off...

[@notaclue822]

Good observation. They choose targets. I have also had one who was fresh out of targets try it on me when I'm not one to take it out of necessity. That is entertaining.

[@aubreyjames8795]

Exactly. I think some of us who personally knew narcissist are commenting about this factor. theyre actually completely aware of what theyre doing.

[@BA-ef4pr]

@@aubreyjames8795 they not only know it but they get off on it. As doc says it is their energy supply. I think of the narc as a 24/7 vampire.

[@budzieC]

exactly. people outside the home get the polished version while everyone who lives with them is raw and scratched by their rough personality

[@DaviesMartinezBeats]

People need to understand... "They simply DON'T CARE..."...

[@demetriaware7322]

Don't care at all mine use to laugh at my pain. Sometimes get frustrated when I tried to tell him how hurt I was. He'll tell me it was all my fault. If I did what he said he would've had to do what he did. And majority of the time I didn't do anything wrong to him.

[@Lil-ie6xw]

I have a nightmare narc fam member. They DONT CARE DONT CARE!!!!!

[@2010cmarie]

PREACH!

[@Lil-ie6xw]

Omg Pray to God to cover you😮

[@yoditc7097]

Exactly!

[@_helloimval]

After he hurt you, they act offended, flip everything over, and expect an apology that they don’t even accept 🤯.

[@mitchdoyle1997]

And when they get angry, they start describing you with the adjectives that in actuality describe their own destructive behavior.

[@layasen]

And it gets so scary because you’re like “ wait ! It was everything I wanted to tell YOU! How did you get there first ? “

[@calebkeegan3023]

Exactly

[@PassionateFlower]

Chant to yourself when being devalued by narcosaurus🦖, "I am rubber, you are glue. Anything you say bounces right off of me and actually describes how you feel about YOU." Narcissist calls you weird because they hate how weird they feel they are deep down and they are embarrassed. Narcissist calls you overly emotional because they feel like they are too emotional deep down and they feel ashamed of feeling feelings. Narcissist calls you a mess because they are actually a huge wacko discombobulated icky gross mess of a person on the inside. Good ol' narcky narc calls you old because they feel old and they are scared of aging out of relevance in society. Narcissist says you're "being too much", "you're way too much", "you're far too much", "I don't want all this drama" because they are not good enough for you and they can't measure up to everything you want, need, and deserve from a connection with them but they can't admit that they are incapable of providing you with genuine goodness so they act like you're super dramatic and too much work when really they just super suck at being a solid consistent person who can be there for you in all ways that actually matter. And on and on.

[@charliec2960]

So true!!

[@justrosy5]

Right?! That's what my last ex did! That's why I dumped his butt. He followed the most ridiculous behavior: Step 1: Be the only one to lash out when I told all my friends how I'd like to be treated in the future. I didn't deal with nor bring up the past. Just was all, "Hey, all, I'm in a healing process here, and I need to let you all know how I'd like to be treated from now on." I did set some boundaries like personal space kinds of things, but it really wasn't a big thing. Everyone else was supportive towards me, and I thought he would be too! Instead, he just completely blew up like an A-bomb in my face (thankfully, this was via email, not in person, so at least there was that). Step 2: Tell me I had no right to accuse him of treating me badly (which I had not done), then claim he didn't know of any times he ever did (which there were, though again, I had not brought any of that up at all), then ask me for examples of times he did, then tell me that there were "all these times (he) could name" when I supposedly broke all these "rules" he claimed I was making for him. Step 3: When I pointed out to him that I hadn't planned on going into any of the past, but that I was able to name some very real and specific instances, and then did so, he tried gaslighting. "I don't remember that" and "All my friends know me better than that, so you have no right to say these things about me." Then he refused to name any times when I supposedly broke these supposed "rules" I was supposedly "making for (him)", saying instead, "I can't name any specific instances, you just do these things all the time." What a cop-out. He just couldn't admit that he'd lied to try to make me feel bad. Step 4. Made up a ton of excuses for doing all the things he claimed he'd never done, tried to throw some religious charisma into the mix, and then claimed that I was the bad one for not "breaking up amicably" with him. I had not said I was breaking up with him, but I was very ok with the idea after all this tripe from him, so that's exactly what I did. Wrote the "Dear John" email to end them all (I just really didn't feel like talking to him even over the phone at this point), and dumped his ass so hard it's probably still rug burned, lol! Then I blocked him from every avenue of communication, moved a few times without telling anyone that knew him, and got on with my life sans him. This whole thing came totally out of nowhere, was an "argument" he picked himself, I think out of a bloatedly guilty conscience, and here I'd already forgiven him for all that junk in the past and left it there (and at those times, had told him so), and had taken a very generic "Moving forward positively" approach when telling everyone how I wanted to be treated (and inviting them to tell me how they wanted to be treated too). Conclusion: unhealthy people just can't deal with others getting healthy, regardless of why that is. I'll always chalk him up as one of the most bizarre people I ever met.

[@alisonwhite1942]

Accidentally hurting someone made me think of the quote “Even a dog knows the difference between being kicked and being stumbled over”

[@Noemie291]

Never heard of it its cool 😎 (no english speaker)

[@alejandrabonita8355]

Exactly good analogy !

[@higgledypiggledy9365]

owwww! that hit me hard!

[@AlC92575]

Well Said.

[@queensigal]

Excellent comment!Having been cast as the dog in your quote i say yes .this is it .

[@hindsightpov4218]

Even if narcissists know they hurt you, they don’t care. The only ones they’re concerned with getting hurt are themselves.

[@marcincalus1022]

Hurt people hurt people why its their defensive coping mechanism that protects their fragile ego that says it was a joke fake emotion right my advice to you turn t Ables on them in public they dont mind humiliating others but when it turns inself humiliation turn to defensive fact they say always that are perfect thats a lie if so why do they need to hurt people and means they incapatible and fall short of perfection this gets them in narcissistic rage remeber its never about you its purely them. Here a tip practise cognitive dissoance this scares the shit out of them why well if u say it u mean it means if u cant get ur shit together piss off and discard them b4 they know u leave them this will show off the image of imperfaction. Perfect people can admit facts and change but those low life how low can you go

[@gethteddy]

You can also figure out if they know by how they hurt you.. they know exactly what hurts you the most

[@LulabellaDonna]

My friends who work in higher ed as adjuncts claim the tenured and administrators are using them, hurting them, and oppressing their voices. The union works for the tenured employees not the contingent faculty (who are on the front lines teaching their full freshman courses) yet the tenured (privileged) places pressure on their part time adjuncts to pay dues? Part time faculty pays the same for PARKING FEES as FT Tenured? When this is going on in the workplace, the academics who claim how much they care, yet there is ZERO empathy BECAUSE higher education gains profit from the marginalization of faculty who are adjunct. Media is paid off and never mentions this disgusting practice, this is hidden and kept secret. If adjuncts stand up, they are suddenly off of the course schedule, and in the food stamp line. This is higher ed narcisim and the Presidents who push this abuse of educators who are on the front lines, refuse to answer to it. THE TRUTH HURTS so it is hidden.

[@marcincalus1022]

@@gethteddy here a tip Watch richard grannon fear narcissist than use technique and disarm them so their techniques wont work by doing so say statements lets agree to disagree means Here a tipstop being people pleaser this means they find u boring why its best fact all they are doing talking about them and their exthis is like saying im fucking guilty send me mental health blames others and flying monkeys. Here funny my narc asked me a question right due to their entitlement is it ok if i invite 3 more people to movies than is it ok if you pay wait until all her clients in gym and start talking condesending to them here how it work frail bruised ego and its vertical relationship this is stupid right they think their godlike and special treatment this clashes two personality parent/ child They assume their ur parent and ur their child right sick game but than when ir exposing them ur playing their parent and they are the child Than their other traits are ANGEL saviour helper rescuer DEMON they talk alot by trangulation about others their game is to win but they are sore lossier

[@ana-pi6ut]

I remember my close friend always said “ it’s all about me.” I didn’t know what she meant by that comment. I was in my 20’s always made excuses for her. She didn’t have a good relationship with her family. Her mother was married several times, not to her father. She grew up on welfare and was so angry. Ten years later she was on a business and called me up crying the she didn’t have money and I always wanted to help her so I let her use my credit card for emergencies. Within a month she maxed it up over and over the limit. I have good credit so it went through. She cried and promised me that she would what ever she can to pay me back, but when ever I asked her for my money she would cry and say she didn’t have it. But she always had money to go out to eat, and take vacations because she “needed them.” The signs are always there.

[@aniadworzecki1004]

“Calm down.” “I was just joking.” “It’s no big deal.” “Your perception is off.” That’s all I was ever told when I tried to share my feelings of hurt.

[@serena20080202]

'You are too sensitive'

[@HaythamTrueheartH]

I had “you are too fragile” “you are too sensitive” “you are too dramatic” “you are validation-seeking and egocentric” . She's never apologised for how she’s made me feel. In fact, she just points the finger at me and tells me where I went wrong after I already sincerely apologised. I have not seen this woman in a while and it bothers her. Now she's messaging trying to make me feel guilty for changing my mind and to feel sympathy for her loneliness.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad would tell me "You didn't interpret that right." Not true. He was controlling me, I'm no-contact now!

[@emmarae4322]

"You misinterpreted what I said."

[@maxmaximus8323]

They know and they don't really care, it's not about you, it's all about them.

[@kathymontgomery1445]

Most crucial thing to know about narcissists: They Don’t Care

[@chaseburns8418]

They care about being right. That can be used against them

[@SaN-vg4bo]

The narc that I know constantly says ‘ I don’t care’ . And boy does she mean it!

[@adrienneclarkwall2149]

I doubt it. They have a lack of empathy. They don’t care if they hurt anyone. It’s all about them. They sure know when they feel slighted.

[@msr1116]

True. My ex the narc knew exactly what he was doing and so did his family, but nobody cared as long as they got their way with little or no resistance.

[@wellnesspathforme6236]

@@chaseburns8418 They care about *feeling* right, even when they are wrong. Maybe especially when they are wrong.

[@agata6042]

The narcissists in my life never ever appologized for anything.

[@betsyd593]

Same with me. Never an apology for anything, ever. Never took responsibility for pain he caused. Ever. Never ever ever in all my growing up.

[@betsyd593]

I'm finally starting to deal with the reality and let it be my past and not my future. Already had a failed marriage due to fallout of growing up with someone like this.

[@judycovington5641]

He or she won't ever apologize either. There is no remorse. Mine publicly accused me of things I didn't do. Many of the things he wrote were things he did to me and he used the 3rd person.

[@missybella9046]

In the 14 mth experience with my exnarc he only apologized once for getting physical abusive with me and even then it was half assed. He said he realized just because i disrespect him doesn't make it right 4 him to disrespect me. Btw what infuriated him was that i wouldn't give him eye contact during arguments

[@RippleDrop.]

Isn't it incredible, a person goes through life without making a single mistake!

[@donnafarmer3904]

When you figure out "they just don't care" can be very liberating. Thank you for your devotion to helping those of us who have suffered at the hands of narcissists.

[@13Hangfire]

So true...

[@kenp9596]

I agree. Realizing they just don't care frees you from believing you can change your actions, your words and make a difference. You accept it is not you and stop beating yourself up for not being good enough to meet their needs.

[@Anna_Helena]

@@kenp9596 on the other hand, it bothers me that they aren‘t intentionally hurting you. It‘s like, you can‘t really make them accountable. Like little children, that don’t really know what they‘re doing… Would be easier for me if they were aware of the fact that what they‘re doing is evil.

[@kenp9596]

@@Anna_Helena Thank you. Good point.

[@yarigamache3102]

“Once they hurt you they don’t care that they hurt you.” This is exactly what I’m going through rn

[@jenn2115]

I hope you're planning your escape, just be safe about it; never call them out. It wouldn't change anything anyways. You are worthy & deserving of so much more!

[@juliankemp549]

Me too.

[@ew6778]

It just blows my mind how many people go through the abuse of a narcissistic person.

[@rohithreddy75]

Its usually when a narcissist meets empaths. Be careful they like doing it.

[@embrianne2286]

It was confusing because we were best friends for a whole year! I had such a good friendship with this guy. He was my best friend, we talked all the time, he knew everything about my life. And then once we started to become more then best friends it took a whole 180. He’s never been the same since. It sucked because I trusted him so much,and then he wasn’t even who I found him to be. He was so charming, and kind, and dorky. And now I’m like damn nvm.

[@kattyk6370]

Well many times it is my mother ,my sister and godmother(so,they are already there)

[@nikinitee2219]

thought i wrote this!!

[@itsmevivi_]

@@embrianne2286 sounds like my current situation.

[@eperon]

My reason for wanting to know if they KNOW that they hurt me.... is because it’s actually shocking to me that someone could be so intentionally cruel. (I don’t know why I’m shocked…. I look at Auschwitz, and I see cruelty at levels beyond imagination.)

[@mearaftadewos8508]

they are unbelievably cruel. that's what blinds everybody. we say "they can't be that cruel" but the are in reality.

[@nancythornton2947]

It took me a while before actually accepting people can do this on purpose. I now do believe they know and enjoy the pain in you.

[@eperon]

@@nancythornton2947 Yes indeed. Evil incarnate.

[@innerpeace4491]

Saaame always wondering can someone be that cruel if the victim does nth wrong

[@nancythornton2947]

@@innerpeace4491 I told the narcissist my sister in law. No. Twice. The second time is when is seen her reaction. The face said it all. Then the smear started. Four and a half years later. I thankful for truth and now no contact with said witch. Happy days ahead.

[@semehartesfaye1248]

"Maybe they didn't mean to hurt you, but once they find out they hurt you, they don't care they hurt you." Sad truth!

[@wildhorses6817]

They not only Know it, they enjoy it .

[@AspergersSyndromeDaily]

Narcissists don't set out to hurt you. Rather, they set out to help themselves. And if hurting you helps them, they really don't care as long as they are supplied.

[@yourturn777]

👏👏👏✊

[@lykedady72]

I respectfully disagree. Malignant Narcs do it on purpose. I've lived it and survived it.

[@axiomaticidioms3857]

@@lykedady72 For sure, that's true as well.

[@carolcolmenares4911]

They also mean to hurt you!

[@pemjoy5586]

True

[@Nacole_Lashoun]

Its a constant cycle of " being punished". If they are offended, they want to punish someone for their pain. And it never ends. They always find something to be offended about. No matter how perfect and comfortable you make things for them.

[@lemostjoyousrenegade]

WORD!

[@tinaweber9816]

yes!!!! 💯

[@zulthor8453]

TRUE!

[@WhoamI-su7pg]

YESSSSSS. Sorry for the caps I got excited bc someone spoke my truth 🤣

[@SirJCruz]

Yessssss that’s right

[@gigiarmany4332]

once you get a glimpse the " evil smirk" there is no more doubt they know, & also feed of your pain..there's no sugar coating it..

[@iononcantomascrivo]

Yep. My former friend/colleague. Once I saw the smirk, I asked her what she was laughing at, what was so funny. She tried to deny it and said nothing. Then I went down the laundry list of atrocities she committed against me, including ones she didn't think I knew about. The look on her face was a bug-eyed, slack-jawed, ghost white expression doing an impression of a fish out of water. I removed myself from her presence only to be bombarded with a series of shouty, grammatically-incorrect, poorly spelled ranty text messages and unintelligible, screeching voicemails. I left her on read for the rest of the day which, no doubt, drove her nuts. The next day, I responded with two words: “grow up.” For clarity, she was a middle-aged woman, with two grown kids and was a grandmother but behaved like an overgrown middle school mean girl who never emotionally matured past the age of 12. During one of her meltdowns, she reacted like she had the emotional maturity of a five-year-old.

[@alvildasophiaanaya-alegria8419]

I can see the smirks on family, friends, nonprofit directors, so many. 😢

[@13Hangfire]

When you figure out "they just don't care" it can be very liberating. They really DON'T care about you or anyone else... but themselves.

[@shafaqali2347]

They use and abuse you and leave you emotionally drained and devastated. .

[@cathyjudge2760]

no no no....not emotionally drained and devastated ..... do the work to heal yourself and come out of the situation better and free !! the best revenge is a life well lived.. My life without my ex is so much better !!! I don't hold any malice toward him.

[@annefraser653]

cathy judge get happy .they don’t like you being happy

[@cathyjudge2760]

@@annefraser653 I just said my life is so much better without him.

[@katyflame3668]

Shafaq Ali. Try meditation and use your own inbuilt goodness to overcome this negativity. Concentrate on yourself and what pleases you and calms you. Do not let this burden you and seek to divert your mind with things that benefit your mental health. Even exercise /walking.

[@shafaqali2347]

@@katyflame3668 thans

[@jenniferwills3095]

They re write history to fit their narrative. They end up the victim in their own minds.

[@ceboshembe]

Oh Jen, you hit it right on the nail

[@nomad5031]

@Jennifer Wills YEP. I have an ex who always did that. Many times, he would tell me that I told him I was gonna do something that he wanted me to do, but we had clearly not even discussed it. He was always trying to twist my words or just make up a story, to get his way.

[@briana14333]

Oh so true! X was dealt a bad hand from everyone- from jobs to relationships to familial relationships. It wasn't until he discarded me too that I finally understood that he himself had continuously dealt the bad hand.

[@therenegadepianotechnician5170]

reality is whatever best suites them and their sick condition.

[@marcincalus1022]

Call a psychatrist and get police involved for some one to parent them its all a joke how u try teach human emotions They say i can change it means a big bullshit.

[@sheilalawrence7411]

My experience, once they find out something hurt you, it goes into their toolbelt to be used again later on. They have found one of your vulnerable spots.

[@molassescricket6663]

That’s correct.

[@swerves1627]

My favorite is “I never intended to hurt you” while witnessing how much pain the action is causing. Then seeing in their face the internal monologue saying “I never intended to hurt you…..but I’m going to keep on doing said action.”.

[@branxtwilight]

My ex would say this as well as "I'm not doing anything wrong" but would clearly see the action was hurting me.

[@calebkeegan3023]

Yep I hate her

[@taraarrington2285]

Exactly

[@stephanieluvinski4637]

Yup! and that is the most baffling part. That is what our brain cannot grasp.

[@iramsavir5631]

Exact same words my narc used!! He was/is a cold-hearted POS!! I wasted 20 years of my life and now too old and sick to start again--not that I would want to because he also destroyed my ability to trust. He, on the other hand, has found my replacement and is living the good life not giving s second thought or feeling a smidgen of regret/remorse at the devastation he left behind. All my fault, of course.

[@elizabethgil4135]

I feel like because I'm a positive and happy person by nature he's trying to break me. Trying to make me miserable like him!

[@kimgibbs6585]

Your so right. That's exactly what he's trying to do. It will only get worst. The longer you stay with this guy. You have what he doesn't. Happiness!!! I was told. You can't stay or be happy all the time. That comment. Was the definition of their false belief and not my reality to what happiness should be. We all perceive what happy emotions feel and looks like. No one can create someones happiness. You either have it or you don't.

[@sarahdixon6011]

RUN

[@baileyleah2376]

Yes i completely understand with this i even felt him get in nasty attitude because he was envious.that i was in good mood .he had to destroyany positive thought .i had . . . I thought he was pushing me to kick him out to force my hand so he wouldnt feel guilty .because i never lashed back .an he had no reason behind his discard .to his family who have always been flying monkeys

[@kimgibbs6585]

@@baileyleah2376 His family taught him everything he knows. How to hurt and abuse people. LEAVE HIM AND NEVER RETURN.

[@manasaprasanna1]

Same here

[@nannymcphie3948]

I believe they intentionally hurt us because they envy people experiencing genuine happiness.

[@SkyePhoenix]

I think they get off on the power they have over others, because they NEED people to validate their existence. They need to beat you down to the point where you feel as bad as they do.

[@fumarate1]

My mother can't stand it when I show her I'm happy she will have this look of distain on her face.

[@andersa3448]

@@fumarate1 My mother hates when something good happens to me or when I do something new and exciting. You can hear it in her voice.

[@meghnasoni]

You're so right

[@nobodyknows3180]

They just cannot handle genuine people because every thing they have in their arsenal just slides right off a genuine person.

[@danfridenstine5751]

The doctor sums it up best: THEY DON'T CARE.

[@markthomas6436]

For the last two years before I left my wife, I was so depressed and discouraged that I could sob at the drop of a hat. Friends and relatives knew I was miserable. My wife said in disgust and mockery, "Why are you so unhappy!" It was inconceivable to her that she was the source of my misery. When I left, I stabilized quickly and am happy about 90% of the time now.

[@SuperQdaddy]

When u realize how damaged they are..u are ahead of the game.

[@aerofart]

I was so relieved to learn about the condition of narcissism. I knew something was wrong with her for a very long time but always arrived at the wrong conclusions as to why - and made excuses for her. Not any more. I just need to dispose of these residual feelings I have in my heart for her as a human being and then I’ll be free. Understanding that it’s not personal and that the real tragedy is the condition that she has inherited (or has acquired in part) still leaves me torn, despite all the hurt and suffering she has caused me and others in her life.

[@guyperry4010]

@@aerofart Superb observation

[@sarahb7254]

I'm learning about how little self esteem they have. The only way of feeling better is by taking down a compassionate and caring person and making them feel less

[@guyperry4010]

@@sarahb7254 exactly. I had 56 years of narcissism from my mother. Bad to start off with, she got worse. She had some humanity at times but was severely mentally ill under her happy mask. They take you down. They suck attention from their kids. They fuss over strangers. They cannot discuss emotions relating to them altho they can be good listeners. You are made as kids to know everything is Yr fault and u become with her a people pleaser... And in many other relationships but generally you wreck them with underlying rage. Relief when they die, but u still have to pick up the pieces to understand the abuse they doled out, not forgetting how sad and empty their glittering lives are.

[@TomeRodrigo]

I mean we who are in a narc relationship, we are also deeply damaged, so yes, you are ahead in your own introspection and healing process.

[@sarag.5093]

What I have noticed is that once you show that they have hurt you, they don't want to feel the pain that they hurt you and they gaslight you as if the problem is you being hurt by their actions.

[@notagain779]

Sara G. Yes, exactly. My ex could be very slippery that way. He'd deflect, not apologize, and usually just say, "SO! Where do we go from here?" My answer always was, "I have no idea." So we went no where.

[@prairieN]

Yeah, after I would say something like "I assume you didn't mean to, but this thing was hard for me, next time could we..." And then get I didn't do it, you did You trained me to do it I didn't know you could have noticed I'm the most horrible person and I don't deserve to live, comfort me for hours because I can't handle hearing that I wasn't perfect and you may be upset with me

[@thatsfunny2051]

@@prairieN The last strategy that you mentioned there is a very common one. "Boo hoo I'm so awful sniff sniff".Just a way of putting the spotlight back on themselves and fishing for reassurance and compliments. Instead of just copping to what they did. They'll do anything to avoid feeling the shame associated with admitting fault.

[@LinYouToo]

My mom‘s favorite saying was, nothing we can do about it now.

[@thecook8964]

They don't feel pain when they hurt you! They aren't avoiding that!

[@vp7285]

Once you say you love him or her it’s all downhill

[@stoft4590]

Some emotionally scar you because they enjoy the harm…makes them feel powerful. It’s completely intentional.

[@JudahTribe2023]

They are EVIL. PERIOD.

[@djjan0310]

So agree with you

[@Aquamaryn]

I knew true evil after I dated a narcissist. Never thought such evil exist in real life. I thought only in movies or somewhere far away but not with people around me.

[@aerielmisner6523]

I have seen the devil in my husbands eyes!!

[@jbbbygrace8301]

Aeriel Misner - So have I sadly. It’s chilling. The cold, dark, eyes that are full of rage, hatred, & evil. The devil in his eyes

[@jbbbygrace8301]

Delasia G - 🎯AMEN! PURE EVIL!! There is NO REDEEMING any relationship with pure evil.

[@dustymiller2912]

"Narcissists are just really careless." So true. They know they hurt you, they just don't care.

[@AA-cp8ry]

They care that they are successful at hurting you.

[@theswede303]

They hurt you for fun. Some people are just evil.

[@roseshakiba808]

That is what he always openly tells me "I DONT CARE!"

[@tracie7698]

They care about their wants, their needs, their image and their reputation. They're more interested in whether or not others know what they did v. having or showing regret, remorse or empathy for the pain and harm they cause. They are aware. They just don't care. This is confirmed by their continuous and intentional bad and destructive behavior. They can be charming, impulsive, with various addictions (alcohol, porn, etc.) and are extremely deceitful, strategic, insecure, unfaithful, abusive, and unwilling to do what's necessary for real change to take place. They seek instant gratification and expect immediate and unearned forgiveness and blind trust. Don't isolate yourself, find someone you can talk to or seek counseling, trust your gut, believe behavior, not their words. You must set and enforce boundaries to keep yourself safe (mentally, spiritually, physically).

[@l.5832]

Aahh....but they will never be so careless with someone who they are trying to impress!! Suddenly they are very attentive.

[@nicselectronics81]

They don't care about their actions but they sure as hell care about what every single person thinks.

[@deathproofduck6897]

After telling my ex how much she hurt me, she told me to, "get over it". In return, I said, "Thanks for the advice, you should do the same." And, that's how our 7 year relationship ended. We share a son so I still speak with her, and well, she never did get over it.

[@yemisrachgebru7298]

Your bravery make me smile congratulations you got this

[@yemisrachgebru7298]

They way you say it make me 👏 👏 clap

[@navyblue7787]

Temporary crush , but we are not the same, you grew up with the society, in which i did not. I don't have the same lifestyle, as you do.

[@brianlane9534]

The first time my wife told me to get over it, I was shocked. The day I left for good, I found the piece of paper I had saved from our very first meeting with instructions on where to meet - yes I am sentimental - and I wrote on the back of it, "Get over it" and pinned it to a bulletin board. By the time I moved out I was disgusted with her and everything about her. My fear of her turned into total disdain.

[@dnwitte]

"Get over it" are three of the cruelest words in the English language, and an absolute deal-breaker for me.

[@SkyePhoenix]

That little smirk on the narcissist's face says it all.

[@johanssona]

😂😂😂

[@johanssona]

Omg

[@ashaley15832]

The last time I saw my narc, i was crying and the only time he looked at me during, was with a twinkle in his eye and a smirk with pleasure, like aww look at her. and the tears went dry at that moment. so sickening.

[@reebee3721]

This is so flipping true! My step father used to do this to me all the time. Pig!

[@briankelley7918]

Not too many people notice that slight smile. Nice job keep on paying attention to the body language.

[@cr8zystar282]

Get over it, it happened a long time ago! Says the narcissist!

[@BA-ef4pr]

Oh yea i heard that line yesterday from my aunt. Then to make it look like I'm the one with a problem starts telling me things about myself that aren't even true. Straight up toxicity is the narc of any kind.

[@rockerg4366]

A long time ago! ha! I’ve heard that over & over

[@rockerg4366]

A long time ago!!!!!!!! Give me a break

[@damouldo]

That morning.. ha

[@ursulasteudle-junken6285]

@Maddy Grayson same here 😥

[@howiedunbar61]

They love to hurt you by turning people you love and care about, against you.

[@tarafox6618]

It becomes obvious afterward, that they intend to hurt you when they attach you thru friends. Its brutal.

[@jackie8448]

This happened during my entire marriage. What she mentioned from start to finish. I wasted a lot of years, hoping he would someday see the light. It actually gets worse as they get older. Don't waste your years like I did.

[@mohammedidrees3890]

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

[@Hundredacredaycare]

Jackie I wasted 31 and counting

[@jackie8448]

@@Hundredacredaycare Same here. 30 years. Thing is, times weren't always bad, or we wouldn't have stayed. You've probably seen as I have that gets worse in time vs better. And, what we saw & experienced when they hit middle age. I'm divorced now because of it. They morph into something that's not only mind-shattering, but an embarrassment.

[@lulitamu1305]

My heart goes to you, I had a narcissist mother so I knew how it feels .

[@Slivings911]

They do get worse with age. The narcissism petrifies and becomes impenetrable, turning in on itself.

[@candyg2063]

I would be crying and he would stand there staring at me with no emotion and silent. Never an apology. Always my fault.

[@navinebaskerville2350]

I've been there and done that. Too bad I learned my lesson late. Barely got out alive. I was shot but survived. "Look what you made me do," was his only response. If you are young in this type of relationship, plan your exit carefully; never confront or tell him you are leaving! Been free of this monster for 40 yrs now!

[@madisonmmurphy]

Same

[@jillpeacock4540]

Yep. Totally non feeling. Can't even hold you. Once he did pat me on the head. We've and looked out the front windows. Cause he didn't know what to do. He had to know. He was messed up. That he should've felt something. I think he felt sorry cause he made me cry. But didn't know what to do. Not that he actually felt remorse for me.

[@ashleyw2661]

Same. And then towards the end of our relationship (4 months ago) I would be crying and he would cover my mouth and say “stop crying, the neighbors are going to hear you”

[@CamisPlaylist]

this gives me hardcore trigger, i know EXACTLY what you mean.

[@junepagan8715]

You are SPOT on! I've finally reached the end of hope that my narc mother will change. I needed to hear this but it's crushing. I grieve the mother I never had.

[@leighclaflin9849]

My daughter keeps my granddaughter from me. Even when with lived in the same house. I moved out thinking it would be better. It has only gotten worse. I miss my granddaughter. I miss my daughter too even though she breaks my heart😢

[@terrydyer2490]

@@leighclaflin9849 I understand how you feel. I miss my grandson. My husband and I raised him for 6 years while our daughter lived with us, she was never around. She found a boy who was 6 years younger than her and he became her next victim. She moved out. Wouldn't let us see him. She broke her father's heart so bad that he died because of her. I went no contact with her . It's killing me.

[@junepagan8715]

@Bushra S thank you for your kind words. Just prior to this past Mother’s Day, a dear friend of mine for over 50 years died unexpectedly. In my deep grief I felt compelled to contact my mother to let her know that I forgive her.Instead of taking my call she refused, saying that I hurt her beyond repair. I realized that by going no contact for the last several years was not to “hurt her” but to protect myself! I tried to explain how she was destroying her relationship with three of four children, how she was turning three of her adult children against their one sibling ( the golden child) which was going to leave her with no family after her passing. All she could say is “family is overrated”. The golden child thinks she hit the jackpot as she is poised to inherit a million dollars which our mother inherited ( as a result of our deceased father’s and grandparent s blood sweat and tears) It’s even more painful to accept when you realize that it’s all about money for them, not morality. I understand that this is not an unusual circumstance.

[@Franny95639]

@@junepagan8715 Tell mumsie you're going to contest the will. That's what I did (after looking into it) & I got what I deserved instead of what she thought I deserved (i.e. nothing).

[@junepagan8715]

@@Franny95639 Thr estate is in a trust.,I should find out if it can be contested. Thank you for suggesting it.This is getting real in that I could end up homeless while sister selfish gets her third set of implants. Maybe she will explode this time.

[@andrewthompson3907]

So accurate. I never, to this day, received an apology for the many things she put me through. My family got an apology for the engagement not working out in the end, but I never got an apology for the constant putting me down, keeping me under the pressure of her demands, withholding love and affection, etc. Not only did I ever receive an apology, her behaviors never changed when she was called out on them, and she never held herself accountable in the wake of multiple people telling her "these things are not okay." Its one of the most painful things to experience. I hope everyone stays emotionally and mentally safe out there.

[@BunnyLang]

Every now and again I would receive a, "I'm sorry, I can't believe I did that." That apology meant nothing because she kept on doing it.

[@LuminesBreezer--]

Whenever I'd get an apology she'd have to be aware of, by being told. And from there are you given an apology will it always be out of sarcasm.

[@Soulself11]

When the narcissist knows they hurt you, that's when the gaslighting begins. "You are so sensitive." "Why are you such a drama queen?" "Don't you know how to take a joke?" "I really didn't hurt you and you know it." "You hurt me way worse when you ___'' "You're exaggerating!"

[@quickgirl80]

Star Blossom I’ve heard each of those word for word before!

[@Soulself11]

@@quickgirl80 Yep, it seems to be the 'go to' for them. I'm sorry you have dealt with that, too. I now have those burned into my consciousness as major red flags and no longer accept, unacceptable behavior from anyone. It usually starts off as joking and little pokes. At this point you give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, they love bomb you, so why would they be saying something that was 'out of character' up to that point? They are testing the water, seeing how far they can push you and if you'll make a good source of fuel for them. The best offense against the narcissist is complete self-love.

[@Sherirose1]

Deflect and project.

[@quickgirl80]

Star Blossom That's great advice!

[@hughkelly623]

YES! Or they go “If you did the right thing (i.e. the thing I wanted you to do that you said no to, and now I’m gonna throw a tantrum like a child and hurl insults at you) I wouldn’t have to treat you like this.” Narcs tell on themselves all the time; they just use a lot of deflection and gaslighting to try to validate their abuse.

[@SB-xj8xj]

They know and they love it. The biggest high for them is being able to control someone.

[@sambal620]

And better, more people at the same time. Decompartmentalised. Who are absolutely not allowed to know about each other. Triangulation.

[@debbiebot4736]

Agreed

[@bigred4379]

Amen

[@Blonde111]

They do enjoy taking someone down... they do know they will hurt you. They DO NOT CARE. Do they drink, work, etc to compartmentalize, yes they do. Do they whine to family members so they appear sorry and act the victim? Yes they do. It’s ALL about them period.

[@peacefulliving6432]

Yes, and my ex would smile the evilest smile when I was in the deepest pain.

[@remazeldagirl2673]

This cracks me up when she said they have lack of empathy. My narcissist person in my life always claims to be a huge empath!

[@alyupde9337]

Yep! The next day they were a jerk to their mom and I had to explain to them how they hurt her and why they had to go apologize to her. I laughed at their empth comment they made a few days prior. I had no idea they were a narcissist. I didn’t know what that was truly. I didn’t know they would smile while laughing at and predicting what I do while upset like my emotions were a huge joke. Even smiling and saying you’re having an anxiety attack dinner is ready and turning and leaving coldly almost happily. Now I can’t stop thinking about that moment. That was a few days ago.

[@jws3925]

Oh, in my experience, I think they DO think they are a good person. They are literally unable to think otherwise.

[@gachzedek]

Yep.

[@cassiebennet4262]

Many of them believe they are empaths. I had a friend who believed she was an empath. She didn't have any empathy for anyone. She was just enamored by all the information online about narcissism when she was in a relationship with a man far more narcissistic than her. Always the self aggrandizement in full effect.

[@louiscarlet3479]

I once accused my narcissist of caring only when she was hurt. She didn’t ask about what hurt of mine she had missed. She said, “That statement was hurtful.”

[@MoeSoNatural]

Oh yes. I’d be explaining how what he’d say to me would hurt and felt like a personal attack… and he would say “what about when you hurt me?!” I’d ask him to elaborate and it was always a perceived slight due to hypersensitivity or flat out something he made up - just to gloss over what I was telling him I felt. The conversation would become me consoling him, while he was breaking me

[@jbr84tx]

@@MoeSoNatural Total self-absorption. That's the narcissist.

[@dawnadriennetaylor970]

The satanic reversal.

[@cassiebennet4262]

​@@MoeSoNaturalwow. It's incredible infuriating. Everything is literally about them. No one can get the slightest bit of acknowledgment of how they hurt their loved ones. It's like they're non people.

[@goodgracious6364]

When you are crying over anything, including something they've done to hurt you, the narc will walk right past you, go brush his teeth, turn on the TV, get on his cell phone, start cooking, fall asleep--he will do anything other than console you! That's a good indicator that he has NO empathy or real care for you or your feelings! It's very difficult for a normal person to grasp that narcs are NOT capable of genuinely comprehending your feelings of hurt and pain--dispite their initial FAKE displays of love, affection and admiration for you!

[@eternall808]

Female *narcs* ,behave the same way.... No *empathy* at all.

[@southernbelle6564]

Yes!

[@irenedove2881]

I'd get beaten up and cry my eyes out as a child and beg and scream for mercy and then I'd hear them laugh while watching tv like nothing happened. Years later while we had company mom started talking about the upstairs neighbour getting beaten up by her bf and she was crying and saying she feels so horrible, that poor woman,and how she wanted to go there and stop it and how her shouts haunt her...I almost lost it right there and then. All their emotions are fake. They are monsters.

[@joseenoel8093]

@@irenedove2881 hi Irene, which of course, means 👑 queen! All a show any kindness, how horrible your mom was. You had nowhere to go so were targeted I guess. What strenght you have not to have lost it there and then. When I visit the Maritimes to take care of mom's house I've already made it a point to apologize to her friends and neighbours for her behaviour. I wish I could beat your mom up on your behalf. I hope you find peace and strenght, love from French Canada 🇨🇦🌹!

[@preeshanipaheliweddings1738]

Omg this has literally happened to me!!!! And I thought I was being childish for getting hurt or crying. I was told that im playing teenage games and he didn't have time for it.

[@lesleyhallett6671]

Without even listening, I predict "Yes" and they get pleasure from it. Now I'm listening.

[@heliaalves9062]

I was going to write exactly the same. They will have to live with themselves though, and that has to be tough.

[@jimneysweep9810]

Hélia Alves big grown adults and their own choice . No sympathy for them

[@elebea868]

Actually that is not what the doctor said. It’s careless and be so afraid to tap into their shame, they can’t even go there and do what it takes to change.

[@svpann12]

AGREEEEE!!!!!!!!

[@nes22s]

Same, i read the title and was like “YES”

[@tamzynlombard8650]

When I was about 11 years old my narcissistic father told me that I am a very difficult person to love. Years later I reminded him of the incident and told him how hurtful and damaging that was to hear. His response… ‘yes I know’. Not a drop of remorse in his voice. He knows.

[@olivegoddess1]

Whoa….😮I’m so sorry this happened.

[@FindYourFree]

grotesque

[@cassiebennet4262]

And people diagnosed with NPD wonder why their victim's call them monsters.

[@KaymakveMimi]

They know how to hurt you. They have empathy. Pls don't get distracted by others say they don't have empathy. They have it. They assume what can hurt you. But after empty normal people can redirect their behavior. Those people don't careeee! They are too focus on guard themselves and they don't choose to care. That's it.

[@carissajae2410]

Wow! Thats awful and I’m so sorry 💔

[@stevecaldwell9766]

Turns every conversation into negative against you and remind you of the past,the past,the past.

[@annamarie3288]

Before watching here is my answer from experience. That smerk they have when they press your buttons or intentionally abuse you says it all. They know and they enjoy it. They are sadistic.

[@alexandrugheorghe5610]

Right on point.

[@jeantang2283]

Yes. They'll make me so angry, when I try my best to ignore them. and they'll say, sweet as treacle , " Why don't you let it all out? Don't keep it in."

[@debbiesingh7880]

Yes my partner has a smerk on his face , and sometimes he make sound hehe openly, he cut me off when I am talking and says lift your tongue that’s not how you pronounce the word etc. Now I don’t talk to him period.And he ruined my happy times.

[@maryblaufuss7533]

My theory is that there can be degrees of the disorder. Some narcs are merely thoughtless. Those who seek to hurt and get gratification from it are higher on the narc scale and show sociopathic tendencies.

[@sidesaddle001]

My ex wore a big smirk on his face when he made my blood boil......It was either a smirk or a quick exit for weeks n weeks on end out of our 4 yr so called relationship that was a very very one sided sexless non intimate relationship

[@dannysze8183]

narcissist is crazy, they are happy when they see others suffer. they are heartless.

[@aerofart]

And soulless.

[@labornurse]

I think they just are unfeeling. They simply have no empathy for others.

[@mariannekoroleva6495]

My grandfather was loughing as a child when he saw me crying...I'll never forget that!! Thank You!!!

[@michelleatchison8424]

Exactly they are crazy and heartless

[@laminage]

@@aerofart Deep down they are ashamed of their behavior, and chances are they bring issues from the past that happened to them and channel it on other folks. Nobody apologized when I got hurt so why should I apologize to you. They are so wrapped up in their own feelings of "being special" that they don't realize that their "Specialness" is at the hands of other people. Carelessness is so right on. I've noticed that if you don't have proper lifeskill lessons growing up, it will effect you big time bad as an adult. If you're late with Homework, you'll be late with work assignments, if you borrow money from a friend and they demand it back they get nasty and defensive, when you yell at them, they manipulate them into thinking you're being too hard on them, but deep down they are ashamed not knowing that "Money" that they owe you could be needed to pay a bill, and they "did" promise to pay you back on that day. Then they know that you're responsible because you always have an extra "Dollar" to spare so if they don't pay you on time it's no big deal because you probably had the money to put away in the first place.

[@Aoibhe_Ni]

I've literally told him in these exact words "What you are doing is hurting me" and his response was "I'm going to do it anyway".

[@aktchungrabanio6467]

"Because you allow me to keep doing it to you"

[@friendlybrilliant4902]

They always make you the bad guy ---- even if what they are saying is contrary to what happened.. And if you trry to explain your recollection to them, they punish you. And if you tell them that what they said hurts or try to tell them your point of view, they only get angrier. It's as if they feel they are entitled to hurt you and you should feel pathetic for being hurt. And they get rerally mad if you can't help crying.

[@immaculatedocnato2054]

They feel entitled to hurt people. To them, the world owes them everything and they have to get away with whatever they do. Their apologies are shallow and not heartfelt. Your hurt is their pleasure.

[@jenniferirwin82]

It's absolutely sick in my opinion. If you even address the matter or question them. Here comes their flying monkeys. The insanity seems to never end. Attention seeking users.

[@yourstruly1984]

💯💯

[@suzesinger6762]

Yeah. HA ! I say to the Narc. Husband ... 'Ohhh, THAT apology - came STRAAAIGHT from your THROAT' !?!?! ;)))

[@bereal6590]

I think it's because they always feel they have the right to be right! N of course they're always right!

[@ErikisOfficial]

They have issues but they aren't stupid. You shouldn't care! N O C O N T A C T ! Time to go!

[@melodieperkins7080]

Agree with you

[@cloudshadow954]

You got that right!

[@martag6322]

Erik, if you were a magician, how many people would you say support me and how many want me to be a slave of a narcissist? 50%? 40%? 30%? What am I going to find out? I am asking you to imagine a figure, of course.

[@LulabellaDonna]

You can't when they are your boss and you need to pay rent.

[@touqirbutter9810]

Caren Karin and also if they are your spouse and you have kids

[@nvaranavage]

I had a situation two years ago a close friend did something that harmed me financially and emotionally. We discussed it and the individual told me that it wouldn't happen again. A year later they did the same thing again and told me she did not remember our conversation and therefore she felt she did nothing wrong (used her health issues as an excuse for her bad memory - yet remembers every other little conversation she has had with other people, just not our mini blowup), when I yelled at her and asked her if she cared whether or not she hurt me emotionally she told me she didn't care, I told her "Fine, then I don't don't care about your feelings anymore either." She went crying to mommy to help defend her - she was at the time 21, and she acted like a ten year old......I stopped talking to her when she decided to make a false report to my supervisor right after the blowup after I told her she was no longer allowed to make decisions for me or allow my children to do what they want without my permission. (She was a close family friend that was basically treated like an aunt to my children). Let's just say I no longer have any contact with her and if I ever see her in public I told my children to be polite if she waves or says hello but to not discuss anything related to the family or their activities. Told them to say hello and keep moving. I'm done with people who act like the world revolves around them.

[@bellaboo6098]

Hurt me once shame on you. Hurt me twice shame on me.

[@sunnysmiles8211]

Dr Ramani you are doing a labor of love by talking about narcissists so much. I know that it costs you something to do this much talk on narcissism because this subject is very taxing and it costs you something significantly !!! The profit, the sex, “the daily business” is their main goal. These relationships are all about transactions.

[@angiepeace4830]

I know the smirk! I thought I was crazy when I first saw him do it. He would push me to a point if hysteria, then grin just a little, as if he a accomplished his goal. It was a little creepy/demonic.

[@astrarai-thesobercoder]

I've seen the smirk. It's scary. Also, you try to tell yourself that isn't what you saw; however, you cannot shake the impact it had on your nervous system.

[@cb6856]

It is like a bad tv movie when only the spectator can see the criminal's demonic smile

[@dreauplifts]

The smirk is the creepiest thing! I witnessed it as well. Smh.

[@astrarai-thesobercoder]

@@dreauplifts It's scary. It's very quick, but It's almost as if you see it in slow motion. If that makes any sense. Once you see it, it cannot be unseen.

[@janedoe9426]

I saw it too. They are demons

[@suemorgan2185]

"I lied to you because I knew you would hold it against me if you knew the truth" said my ex. So, I guess it's my fault I was lied to.

[@noslenarual]

Mine told me he lied to me because I made it so easy for him. I asked him if he was cheating, I asked family if they thought he was cheating, I even asked our therapist if he was cheating. He was very good at lying, and it had nothing to do with me making it easy.

[@jamiejokersin354]

They lie to you because in their mind it's better than having to face they have done some maggot level bull. They lie cause they don't wanna hear what they are doing wrong. They don't even lie to be empathetic like normal people might. "No that dress doesn't make you look fat.". That's an empathic lie to spare the other person's feelings. Narcs lie to spare their own feelings. Sick bastards they are.

[@deborahwilcox2234]

I know. Twisted and sadistic. Mine would just say, I’m shallow, what are you expecting from me?

[@FashAveGirl]

@@jamiejokersin354 yes that’s why they can never actually say the FULL truth or story even after you catch them in the lie or betrayal.

[@obtainpeacetoday]

I was told "it's none of your business". "I didn't lie" knowing they lied with stories/reasons to back up the lies. 😂

[@mystichealer2793]

My husband repeatedly hurt me by not communicating, but was overly friendly and communicative with friends, right in front of me. I brought it up several times, saying it hurt me, offered suggestions for how it would feel better. He seemed to listen but the behavior kept repeating. The last time I brought it up he got furious and told me he didn't really care about my feelings. Ouch! That felt like the truth and I knew I was not in a normal relationship and something was really wrong.

[@maggieb5326]

Yep. Something is terribly wrong. Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is. Apathy too. The rage is meant to prevent you from bringing the topic up again, ie intimidation. He is so indifferent he doesn’t even want to hear about your feelings. He just doesn’t care.

[@normatobin962]

When they say really hurtful stuff...They Are Telling You their truth! Does not make it The Truth or Your Truth, however

[@alvildasophiaanaya-alegria8419]

Hopefully you left him.

[@mehlover]

That makes sense, if a narcissist never gets held accountable or face any negative consequences they'll keep hurting others, maybe even to the point when they're ignorant of it. My friend circle growing up, we had a narcissist in the group, but we always ended up excusing her and never holding her accountable. Even when I tried talking to her, she'd talk over me. Sometimes talking to narcissist is like talking to a wall, that'll eventually close in or fall on you

[@ladyviolet4856]

I love that you are a clinical psychologist and have the training and maturity to speak on this. It’s appreciated and valued.

[@stephanier6783]

Keep in mind that the VAST MAJORITY of "clinical psychologists" receive no academic education or post-doc education on the differential diagnosis of Cluster B disorders. Someone being a clinical psychologist really does not make them knowledgeable on this topic whatsoever...and...even more disturbing, it is important to remember how many clinical psychologists and psychiatrists go into these professions because they are narcissists themselves, have a DAILY NEED to feel superior to others, and are entirely lacking in empathy for others but capable of feigning empathy (because they DO teach clinicans how to effectively manipulate clients while feigning empathy for them (yes, seriously). I so much wish I were kidding about this. Narcissists are allowed to be...and are...licensed professionals who masquerade as clinicians who have empathy for others, and they have ZERO professional responsibility to inform you of this when you walk into their office for therapy...or buy their books...or watch their videos. Sadder still, those who oversee their initial clinical work so they can obtain their licensing often RECOGNIZE that they are narcissists, but that does not prevent them from being licensed to practice. Yes, seriously. ...and it should also go without saying that there are some clinicians out there with healthy levels of empathy and compassion but, even so, that is no guarantee that they will have received any education on the differential diagnosis of Cluster B disorders, much less have gone to the further post-doc educational training on the differential diagnosis of others (a highly specialized degree and very expensive to obtain). Sadly, there are some HIGHLY narcissistic individuals who are intentionally getting into the field of giving guidance on "narcissistic abuse" who are narcissists themselves. Sadly, some of these individuals are stealing other people's KZbin video-content to create their own content, and scouring comment sections to find content they can use to create their own videos. I am not now...nor have I ever been...a content creator here on YT, or elsewhere, but I've noticed this happening as I've been researching Cluster B disorders for the last 7-8 years. Please...DO NOT BE TAKEN IN...by "licensed professionals" in this field. Some of these people are merely getting into this field because it is currently very lucrative to do so, and it helps them to get publishing deals, and to get paid for speaking engagements at conferences, and to sell the books after they've gotten publishing deals...even when the individual has NO EDUCATION or academic training in the differential diagnosis of Cluster B disorders. Keep in mind, narcissists obtain narcissistic supply by BEING ADMIRED BY OTHERS, and having others telling just how much they respect, admire, appreciate and value their "knowledge" and or "experience". This is intended to prevent you from being DUPED and used as narcissistic supply by covert narcissists. Wishing you well~

[@abrahamgoesmoo]

@@stephanier6783 ok....but how does this apply to Dr. Ramani?

[@azn9886]

Fu

[@8no1likeme-infinitestar65]

Yes absolutely, Thank God for you Dr. R

[@8no1likeme-infinitestar65]

@@abrahamgoesmooit doesn't, she was just giving us a heads up so we are not duped and further abused while on our healing journey

[@AlinaLeeArts]

The classic "you did it to yourself" even when you're bleeding and they're the one who pushed you.

[@7-sodel323]

True

[@AlinaLeeArts]

@@7-sodel323 life happens but god (defined as love) always prevails because he reveals.

[@zeroeffsdoigivezerozeronon9202]

“ you are doing this to your own self” is what I constantly here.

[@zeroeffsdoigivezerozeronon9202]

Hear

[@AlinaLeeArts]

@@zeroeffsdoigivezerozeronon9202 we do all play our part.. like.. I should have let go and left the situation but I had my own issues to get through. Sometimes relationship are just meant to tear the bandaid off so our wounds can heal properly by finally reaching and realizing our limits so we can set healthy boundaries for ourselves.

[@vickidespretter2828]

Even when going through intensive chemotherapy treatment and never complaining he would sit next to me and chat to other people always laughing and joking and then he would drive me home and I would be given the 'silent treatment' for hours. He would never ask how I was feeling when actually I would just sit and silently cry believing that tomorrow he would be a different person. I would very occasionally ask him why he would punish me in this way when all I did was love and care for him and the answer would always be the same...'I don't wake up in the morning thinking I must punish you'! 'It is just the way I'm feeling' and I would always accept what he said in the belief that he couldn't help himself! Of course I'm well aware now it was after years of the same behavioural patterns that I realised I was living with a cruel 'monster' of a narcissist.

[@kamipersonal2687]

I hope you're better now. Focus on positive thoughts so you can heal. Try ignore the narc. Give him silent treat.& show you dont care. Surround yourself with kind people, speak to them rather than this man who "does not wake up to hurt you on purpose" but somehow he manages that... hmmm. Think of him less&less&less! 🙏😇🙏

[@forestshade9451]

A baby in my extended family passed away, when we were sadly taking about it some of our narc family memebers just wanted the discussion to be over so that they can start a discusion on the clothing brand sale next week and the plans they had. Its scary how the are built.

[@brandonplays702]

I understand that feeling. I have a family member who acted similar after a funeral

[@dishagidwani3002]

Lady you don't know how many lives you are saving❤️

[@yarigamache3102]

Amen!!!

[@13Hangfire]

AGREED! 👍

[@stillaworkinprogress2147]

The narc might even get angry that you've tried to explain that they hurt you, which justifies in their head even worse behavior towards you in the near future. It's a weird "how dare you accuse me of being such a terrible person! I'll show you"! Then they get "even" by doing the same behavior or worse because you had such audacity for saying you were hurt by them. Your complaint does not fit the picture they have in their head of how good and wonderful they are.

[@kartabs2]

My mother has started so many sentences with "how dare you..."

[@Christian_1980]

This a good point you're making.

[@kartabs2]

@N D I hear you! I think we take responsibility and even apologise when they are so clearly in the wrong, just so we can restore peace. We know that we will be left waaaaaiting if it were up to them to make it right

[@vegvixxxen829]

omfg 1000% spot on

[@gbeana81]

💯

[@PaigeSquared]

I think its because we project our capacities onto others. We believe that if a person is hurting us intentionally, that it explains everything. If its unintentional, then maybe the love bombing phase had a bit of truth to it, and if we could *"just get them to see what they are doing,"* that they will be able to get back into the state of mind that drew us to them in the beginning. The truth is that the person who we believed we were dating those first few months is never coming back, EVER. Anything they told you those first few months, they might get angey at you for suggesting is true now. The entire foundation is unreal.

[@ilusoriob]

"Maybe they didn't mean to hurt you, but once they find out they hurt you, they don't care they hurt you".

[@25centsworth]

The smirk is the dead giveaway that a N knows what they've done. The supply is just too delicious --

[@jamesm2359]

25centsworth oh totally. When my narcissistic mom baits you and you finally get upset or lose your temper, she gets this sick, disgusting smile on her face. Like she’s accomplished something.

[@aerofart]

I’ve seen that smirk all too many times. Monsters!

[@blumenaue7590]

Well said.

[@sueb6662]

Omg the smirk that creepy smirk....

[@tammygould9940]

Does the smirk look like the Joker's?

[@japhillips6298]

Your pain feeds them power, the more pain to you, the more power for them. It's their daily bread.

[@LoveBeliefTruth]

Psychopatic ones, yes. There are also narcs who just would die for admiration, status, who just need their feed. They don’t want to make people suffer but they do

[@deathrowinmate28]

My father destroyed me. I let him do that to me. It took 33 years for me to escape his abuse. No more contact.

[@syedahmad396]

When i got realized this was happen in my life. I got very ugly hiistory with this narc as my patner in crime aka my bff. So i know how to be a jerk with a smart move. Just hit them with calm and facts with the smile. They will overacting with its. Haha. And ask them are you ok? 🤣🤣

[@abdulc5726]

If they feed off pain then I hope that same pain manifests in their karma, demonic bastards

[@laminage]

That was heavy and so true! They have to have that power over you and have a sense of control over you because they have no control over their own lives.

[@emmarae4322]

Yes, they love hurting you. It boggles my mind the damage these creeps do. It really doesn’t matter. I won’t live my life like that.

[@amylynn7881]

I LOVED THIS! I hear constantly “you act like I’m always out to hurt you” or “I don’t just do things to hurt you”…. And I always instantly feel like he means that… but never an apology and it NEVER CHANGES. Thank you for turning this light on in my brain ❤️.

[@wendi-bnkywuv]

My "mother" gives me apologies, but they're always full of sappy, sentimental (creepy!) lovey dovey, gooey mushy love bombing. Then in the end she'll insist that it was "for my own good to help me grow" or she'll claim that if "it weren't for everyone else, I'd never grow or learn." As if my growth had nothing to do with *me*. Or she'll say things like "I have clinical depression! I cannot help it! It's the same thing when you have your meltdowns and scream and cry!!!" It's just so damned creepy! My stepdad also let's her off the hook with her clinical depression scheme, but insists that I "have no reason at all" to get upset about it or him saying that it's not her "depression". After they were in a heated argument and I said something, he scolded me with "you should look up how to talk to someone with depression! There was no reason for that!" I'm baffled as to how he could allow her to get away with this, and yet yell at me for trying to let him know that he too is being abused. he even has a heart condition, and I'm dreading that he may suffer from a heart attack or stroke from one of her rages, which will leave me with no place to go, at least, not for long. My dad lives in a small apartment and house prices are insane here. I'd love to move out, and I would have moved out at age 10 if my "mother" hadn't driven him to drink, making him lose custody over me.

[@LoriGeminiTarot]

They know they’ve hurt you; they just honestly don’t care

[@xrc7445]

No, they do care. They're hurting you on purpose to get their sadistic fix. Hence, they care. Just not in the way you'd think.

[@shubhisharma4261]

@@xrc7445 yes they derive pleasure and sense of power n superiority hurting innocent n strong ppl...

[@brendajones347]

My kidz at a very young age asked their father " why do you keep hurting us but no one else daddy" he never responded never acknowledged his childrens words/feelings therefore was not about to apologize!! My deceased husband NEVER ADMITTED to beating me up ( over an announcement his boss was gonna lay people off and my husband thought he may be chosen) Because of his boss' announcement my husband went into a rage almost killing me with a choke hold and when i showed him the pictures of my injuries and the medical bills he said " i didnt beat you up" therefore even after the assault six years later no apology. I didnt no about Narcissism then however i have educated myself and have come to realize both my children exhibit extreme rage, entitlement and no remorse just to name a few and their spouses are reflecting the tell tale signs of narcissism and i am their target ...not anymore!!! It took some strength but i have stopped txting them, calling them and there has been no contact from them to see if i am doing ok during COVID 19 because narcissists dont care!!! My concern are centered around my grandchildren and their safety emotionally, physically and mentally.

[@jillpeacock4540]

@@brendajones347 my daughter is one. Couple months ago. I had a dinner date. She wanted me to eat outside. My date and I had decided on an indoor restaurant. They were social distancing. When I told her, she says I thought we discussed this. You're to eat outside. I can't believe it. My own Mother, defriended me. She sent me and article on the v. Said this was a real D... Move. Blocked me. Haven't heard from her since. I did write her. But no reply. What do you think?

[@ShabbatChic]

Dr. Ramani, I owe you THOUSANDS of dollars for your advice over the last few months!

[@martymaloney1032]

Valarie Parker AND?

[@tanyadavis6138]

Same here!

[@raven4090]

Even when they do actually hurt you unintentionally, they add that thing they did or said to their collection of all the things they know hurt you so that they can repeat it again and again.

[@PENGUINS66]

You are AMAZING! Thank you for explaining why, and how they probably think about hurting you. I tried the calmest, most respectful way to look in her eyes and say " that really hurt" and she said " Were you always so damn sensitive, You cant even take a joke?" I replied, " I did take the first 20 as jokes, but its not funny to me, anymore".... Her reply... " Suck it up buttercup" I stared at her, blinking in disbelief, as she calmly explained that her Apple watch has a new backround color.... WHAT?????

[@ladyluck144]

They know they are behaving badly but they can’t FEEL how they’ve hurt people

[@colinesquire2480]

They can because if they feel hurt they react

[@Slivings911]

colin Esquire That’s a very good point.

[@eternall808]

Oh believe me, they can *feel* how they've *hurt* people....They just don't give a damn.

[@southernbelle6564]

Hey wouldn't it be great if they suddenly had a sharp pain every time they went to say something ugly! Sort of like a bark collar for narcissists!😂

[@paulclinton6414]

They feel good to hurt you so...

[@roundball6592]

I see ALL of the narcs rolling out in droves to pressure that “dislike” button. Guess what? You’re outnumbered by the abuse survivors, you can’t win. We overcame the struggle and we’re on our path to full healing.

[@itsmevivi_]

And on that note, let me go hit the like button right now!

[@adelafirme]

Lol YES

[@ThatGirl_Oge]

LMAO! i say this every time i see a dislike on her videos. like, damn, y'all mad at education and empowerment?

[@roundball6592]

@@ThatGirl_Oge they’re super mad 😂

[@TheJRo]

Strength in numbers 💯

[@AlpenTree]

Yes narcissists know exactly what they are doing and they do it on purpose to hurt you with no remorse or regret and then they walk away thinking oh it doesn't matter.

[@emilyrae5149]

Just last weekend my step dad went out of his way to come upstairs and give his opinion on a conversation my Mom and I were having. It was literally about acne and things that contribute to the worsening of it. He turned it into a big argument right off the bat and when I shook my head and laughed at the audacity of him butting in and making an ass out of himself he simply gives me the death glare and says, "DON'T. Do. That". It's obvious laughing at someone as insecure as a narcissist will only get you a further backlashing.

[@claudiacastillo5898]

Yes they do, and they take pride on it. They feel superior when they are able to confuse you, manipulate you or somehow subjugate you.

[@myriamaerts8286]

They know, they enjoy it, no remorse whatsoever, and they do it again and again....and again

[@Suzu52]

And then portray themselves as the victim....

[@michellebehr7669]

Yes!

[@michellebehr7669]

@@Suzu52 My MIL

[@margaretc5679]

For Narcissists, hurting others is vindication, validation and fuel for their dysfunction.

[@RA-xe8go]

Yea, I've noticed this with the narc in my life. When we were young they were pretty open about the fact that they loved to cause me pain. Now that we're older they are more subtle about it, but they still take a jab at me every chance they get.

[@Foczee]

They habitually talk behind your back knowing full good and well it can hurt you. They are not to be trusted.

[@milothatch5702]

All of you talking about your narc's, leaving them, and especially the smirk that you all are talking about.... this all hits so close to home. I was raised in a family of 6 by a narcissistic father and a Saint for a mother... I left as soon as I could, a few weeks after I turned eighteen. I haven't talked to him since. 6 years now. The entire rest of my family has distanced themselves too at this point... as a kid I never understood why he always seemed amused when I was distressed. I mean, I didn't even know what a narcissist was at that point, much less what it meant. But I always despised him... I always knew there was something wrong with him, and the way we were being raised was NOT ok.... probably why I became the whipping boy. Anyhow, this channel has been really useful in explaining a lot of what I went through. I've known he's a narcissist for years now, and I think I've logically processed a lot of what that means.... but I haven't worked through a lot of the emotional damage. This channel, and this comment thread in specific is helpful in letting my inner child know I wasn't alone, crazy, or at fault... I was robbed. What that means for me now.... idk. But at least I'm not alone...

[@leticiaoberley8886]

They are selfish and self centered but can never understand that they are.

[@lyndakennedy1224]

Rotten to the core.

[@LoveBeliefTruth]

Oh no, some of them know it and try to ”better” themselves AKA make their mask better

[@shug_no_avery8172]

Y is it that they can’t understand

[@Cmac1328]

The comment about “rules” really hit home. My ex would get SO reactive to a perceived (imagined) slight based on something I may have said or did. I would respond “huh?? You do that all the time. Why is it so offensive to you when I do it??” Her response was “yeah…well I don’t want to date ME!” As in ‘it doesn’t matter if I do it…the rules are different for my partner than they are for me’. It was bewildering and a unique form of gaslighting. I would actually question if maybe I was overreacting by wanting us to follow the same “rules” if I was actually more secure than her and wasn’t affected in the same way she was. I actually still don’t get it completely.

[@dialmstyle]

How did I not know any of this? Your videos give me an understanding of how I got so entangled in a narcissistic relationship, that I didn’t even know was that. Your videos give me closure that I don’t need to go back and fix anything with that m*fer. 🙏🏼

[@olgaaskenaziabady2072]

You forgot a very painful one: don’t even care they hurt you and keep doing it. No apology.

[@ChocoParfaitFra]

My ex said the craziest apologies lol He was never sorry for his behavior, he said “I’m sorry you’re hurt” and other things that clearly showed he didn’t regret what he did

[@Hy-Brasil]

@@ChocoParfaitFra "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry if you misunderstood me", or "I didn't do anything wrong, you're just too sensitive." or "it doesn't both me! why does it bother YOU so much??" yeah i hear that a lot.

[@janetm1449]

He said he would never lay hands on me, he left out throwing furniture, radio, chargers, blender, cabnet at me & no apoligy (ever)

[@jillpeacock4540]

Yep. Well, mine was trying to get back I think. Cause be did call and apologize. But I knew it didn't mean anything. Cause he'd do it again. I used to say when I was single ages ago. Assholes always come back. Give them a couple weeks. Sometimes couple years. They'll call or something.

[@belletotheeve]

This so much

[@summersunshine5327]

In the last months of my "relationship" with my ex narcissist, I kept saying to myself over and over: "Does he know that he's hurting me? He's a smart person... he must know how hurtful he's being. If I ever figure out that he's intentionally hurting me, I 'm going to leave... but what if he genuinely doesn't? Maybe I can show him.... and change him back to the wonderful guy he was when I first met him. " The day before my 24th birthday, he was exceptionally cruel to me. I woke up the next morning, sat up in bed, and had a thought that probably saved my life: "I don't know if he's doing this on purpose, but he keeps on doing it. He will never stop hurting me." I made up my mind that moment to leave him. It was painful. I was addicted to him; I ached for him. But, looking back, it was the best birthday gift I ever gave myself. I somehow intuitively knew that the trauma of leaving him would be less than the trauma of staying with him. A few years later I realized what kind of a relationship I had been in and began educating myself on narcissistic abuse.

[@coolcrafts5587]

Yes, they know that they hurt u

[@monicahocking1507]

@@coolcrafts5587 I believe they do know. Coming from someone that had this for 44 years...Left now. Praise God because he helped me..

[@Canaday291]

Summer sunshine good for you leaving him!! I wish I had done the same as you years ago which would have saved my children and I so much irreversible damage and destruction from his increasing abuse

[@janecalhoun153]

Naida Danyal What is it with those long, essay type texts or emails?! Blah blah blah. I think it’s great you gave them back to him! And the texts I get are all about how he is hurting, not that he hurt me as that would be too much responsibility for him to do so and cause him the shame Dr. R talks about! Heaven forbid they say sorry, plus make a behavioral change...they just cannot. Stay strong!

[@janecalhoun153]

Summer Sunshine I understand this “addiction” of yours. Plus the lack of empathy as they keep doing what hurts us most and never will have empathy for the impact it has on us. I ache too and I can’t understand why, yesterday it occurred to me that I am addicted to his shit, which makes no sense! I’m more important and deserve better than this treatment. Separated now for almost a year in September, and I can’t believe I am now just mourning the loss of this relationship, regardless of how abusive it was and he was to me. Thank you for your sharing, it really helped me see that I am not alone, and it is normal to grieve even the unforgivable treatment. We had good years, but you are so right - the bad was outweighing the good and I knew it would only get worse over time, and continue to drive a wedge between myself and my children whom he disliked so much! Take good care.

[@chillywilly4126]

It’s the complete lack of empathy that allows all the other terrible traits to exist; especially their inability to love or be loved.

[@CJ-jq4lv]

This just confirms going no contact was the right thing to do. Yes I got the empty apology with sprinkling of gaslighting! of “I’m sorry you feel that way, you know I’m always there for you.”

[@BGfootballfan]

The fact they have a creepy/nasty smile while they insult you or are talking about a sensitive topic that they know you dislike is pretty indicative that they not only know they are hurting you, but in fact they are enjoying it.