The Window of Tolerance when Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship

[@tsukigalleta]

Something that I love about you, doctor, is the way you lower your voice, speak slowly and clearly, and choose your words carefully, so the message gets through without feeling overwhelming and it's easy to understand even when we are dysregulated. Thank you so much!!

[@rturney6376]

❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@turnbacktime65]

I agree. She speaks as if we are girlfriends sitting down for a cup of coffee. Or tea.😊

[@peachesandpoets]

She must be great as a therapist. Her cadence and tone is very helpful

[@rturney6376]

@@turnbacktime65 ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@TheRoxlight]

As I read her book "It's Not You" I can hear her voice and mannerisms as though I'm sitting across from her.

[@marysisak2359]

I am 71, you just explained my life in a nutshell. I knew my highs and lows were not normal but I just accepted it was just how it was. Thank you again for giving me the insight I have been seeking all of my life.

[@anonymous-ze2ug]

❤

[@lesabrydson2526]

Me too❤

[@KactusKM]

I’m 70 and going thru this right now. Such overwhelming “fight” response to protect myself and my peace when the last few days of “life” have been incredibly stressful for me. Trying to get assistance into some routine for my narcissistic 91 year old mother living alone, so I can continue to focus on my authentic self and healing. (And no contact ). I have a dental surgery on Monday and just in preparation it seemed the entire world around me either needed something from me or screwed up all plans. And I am left with myself, beings mess and my patient, loving but also stressed husband. and I’m so hyper aroused and angry a can’t apply all I’ve learned very well at all. Thank you Dr Ramani. Even the compassion and understanding in your voice helps incredibly today. I walked. And will try to just focus on little things I can do for myself. ❤

[@dianehigdon9057]

❤

[@shainanash8518]

I agree. I am 67 and I know that something is wrong with the narc. I am always looking for a way out. I experience all of this. I avoid this "partner". I do a work around. Financial is a problem. He pays for half. I can't afford to live alone. All my fam died. My friends don't show up. I will die without an apartments being put in the elements, so I share expenses. It is devastating. I am in a state of disassociation. I am in radical acceptance.

[@BuckleyThompson]

Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective [e-mail] for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.

[@RelaxationReserve]

You have NO idea how much you’ve helped me. Thank you.

[@ScottieBeanZ]

I owe you my life, Dr. Ramani!! You have no idea how much you’ve helped me!! I would love to meet you one day, it is a dream of mine. God bless your beautiful soul!! 👏🏼🫶🏻🙌🏼

[@PrettyLola-mm4ux]

She’s having a convention or something in North Carolina this fall I think

[@beverlystover3987]

Same!

[@estherkariuki1586]

Me three, and though am in Kenya...I will one day

[@elisevialette5306]

Me too I would love to meet you, you are so helpful and enlightning.

[@carcarbinx98]

Woah. Yea, it is easy to forget how much the nervous system is being affected by the abuse. Step one, ground yourself. Okay. I want to open that window.

[@SherryTomlinson-r2y]

I know that’s right!!

[@TorgerVedeler]

This is extremely helpful. When I cut off a narcissist less than a year ago, it was hard to function or think clearly for several months. Now I think I’m seeing things, and the narcissist themselves, more clearly. Thanks for this video!

[@frugalissima2930]

I left the narcissist two months ago. Immediately my anxiety dropped from nearly 10/10. Whenever the feelings became overwhelming I went out for a walk. This seemed to regulate me, besides having the added benefit of making me healthier and lose weight. I still get the overwhelming craving to see him sometimes, but I don't go. I thought of him constantly at first, but can spend time not thinking about him now, without it ending in panic. I still have a long way to go though, and these videos are helping me a lot.

[@MikeBrainzooming]

I'm three months out, and I definitely have the waves where I ask myself how I could have gotten divorced and left. I know that's not the proper perspective, yet it still appears in my mind to try to pull me back. Let's all stay strong and remove ourselves from these relationships, knowing that we made the right decisions to do so.

[@MegaRose1958]

Please take the time to write down all the negative experiences you might have encountered!! This has helped me alot!! During the two years I broke no contact once talking to him over the ph trying to get my money back from the four tires he destroyed while my PTO was in place. I never went and saw him and I reblocked him. Yes we had some good times during the relationship but the bad because of the verbal, emotional and physical abuse I know I could never allow this person back into my life!!

[@cherrybacon3319]

This is exactly how I feel.

[@tammyb7067]

ME TOO.! 100 PERCENT!!!

[@chaseTheCase9]

This world needs Dr Ramani ☮️💜🙏

[@ginkgo2021]

Thirty years with a covert narcissist. Frequently during those years I would have dreams where my ex would act like I didn’t exist or he would be cruel and controlling. When I’d wake up I’d tell myself it was just a silly dream. He was a nice guy. I mean everyone KNEW that. I wish I had explored those dreams more thoroughly with a therapist, especially one who was trained in the identification of passive aggressive covert narcissist abuse. Going forward I’m going to trust my instincts and not be so ready to dismiss my dreams as being silly.

[@shainanash8518]

I was betrayed by therapists. They don't get it, generally speaking.

[@Lily_and_River]

Oh yes thank you for this comment! I totally had nightmares where my husband wasn't listening to me, ignoring me while I was screaming at the top of my lungs. It was the most awful experience. I often thought my nightmares were a lot worse than reality. But now that I left him I've come to the conclusion that many of my sleeping problems and nightmares came from being in such a toxic relationship.

[@katchu1356]

It makes me so happy to see how your channel has grown since I started watching. I found you back in 2021 when I was in an abusive relationship. You helped me learn about the situation I was in and helped put words to things I was experiencing so I could understand. I escaped that hell and have been on a healing journey since then, and Dr. Ramani has helped me so much along the way. So happy to see more people finding you and becoming aware of narcissism.

[@microdosenyc4515]

Dr. Ramani is straight out here saving lives :).

[@springBloomsinAwe]

It was almost 500k subscibers

[@lesabrydson2526]

I "met her" in August 2023.....miraculous on KZbin .... Persevering in Prayers Psalms 1-150🙏👍🇯🇲🫅

[@MsLondonBlaize]

I was so lucky to have a trauma-informed therapist that helped me increase my window of tolerance via IFS first. Thank you for the reminder that a trigger causing a panic response doesn’t mean I forget everything I’ve learned

[@janenerbeaner1673]

I'm literally going for more lab testing today because my blood work came back with cortisol levels off. A year after my narc ex leaving me but us still being in touch, and me finally moving to my own home instead of living alone in our old house, I started getting a huge amount of anxiety, and depressive episodes as well. My doctor recommended counselling and also put me on antidepressants. Then he did blood work to test my hormones and all other basic functions. Low iron and a possible cortisol issue were all that came up. I'm slowly working on training my nervous system to calm, and dealing with final business with my ex so I can go No Contact as soon as that's over with.

[@HeSaidICouldntDoIt]

You're amazing Dr Ramani. We need this.. I need this. Thank you so much for what your doing for us! ❤❤❤

[@JWayne-ej4jy]

Im 65. My n father dead gone 10 yrs I struggle with much from his long abuse. My sister much worse tho we both moving forward. Grateful for your videos and comments from others in similar boat !! I usually need 3 days to a week to know how i feel about something!! Usually when someone has crossed boundaries. Serious stuf getting better all the time Much love from Medina tx 🎉 Thankyou an best wishes to you all

[@daleswain9520]

OMG! I experienced this this week. Right down to a tea it even triggered my asthma, my heart was racing, and I was saying all the horrible things that I used to say to myself when I was with the narcissist, i’m 5 1/2 years out of that relationship. I felt incapable of a decision and I was driving from Jacksonville to Tampa and then a day later back to Jacksonville. I was shaking so hard. I could hardly keep my hands on the steering wheel and I missed my exits a couple of times and this is the route that I’ve been taking for 40 years going between Tampa and Jacksonville. Of course, that only came with more self devaluing comments about myself. I truly felt like I must’ve either had a stroke or, ugh this is really hard to say but this is what I thought and that was that I’ve lost my mind and I’m entering dementia at 63 1/2 years old it was really awful! I wanted to talk to someone but had no one I felt I could trust which is the other video I watched this morning that you provided earlier this week. I just wanted to have a hug and cry, but I was alone as usual and behind the wheel and that made me a danger to myself and others.😢😢😨😧🙀

[@Michelehoffman-q7c]

I'm quite sure it's not dementia-joining a gym helped me tremendously. After seven years of healing from abuse at the hands of my sister, mother, step son and in laws I can finally say that I wish a mother would. It gets better, you will learn to trust and love again. I promise.

[@debmc369]

You are not alone ❤❤❤

[@daleswain9520]

@@Michelehoffman-q7c i’m five years out from the last one, but had a 30 year marriage with One and my mother is a narcissist.

[@cherrybacon3319]

Sending you hugs X

[@valiizajames925]

I have been "hyper-aroused" all my life, which my "mother" could use as look "see she's crazy". That is one of the consistent statements I heard all my life. I've started to understand that this is a response from the abuse, I am learning to give myself more compassion...even though I still feel that hyperness inside. I thank GOD for you everyday Dr. Ramani! And I am not Crazy!

[@yolandihayes9536]

Being raised by a narcissistic mother I married 2 narcissist and kept attracting narcissistic friends. I realised now that she taught me to love "unconditionally" I always gave my all and kept forgiving and hoping and hanging on to those rare moments of happiness. Thank you Dr Ramani for giving me my life back. With your teachings, I now have a beautiful healthy relationship with a beautiful man. I see narcissists a mile away, and steer clear of them. For the first time in my life, I have peace. The narcs in my life still try to get to me, but then I come back and find one of your videos to help me deal with them.

[@colincalmstorm]

Thank you for helping people.

[@missMagbeth]

Unbelievable human being! Thank you, Dr.Ramani for literally saving people's lives.

[@christinasouza2081]

I left my narcissistic husband of 20 years three months ago. I am all over the place…live and miss him…then hate him and hope he dies. Want to talk to him…then pray I never have to talk to him again. Still trying to be perfect even though I only have to answer to myself. I feel to much and yet I feel nothing. I’m scared and sometimes think I’ve lost my mind. Your videos have helped immensely. Started therapy today…she started me very simply with leaving a cup in the sink….that I wouldn’t die from an unwashed cup. I’m lying here thinking about nothing but that cup.

[@niyabeach3723]

You are not alone. 4 months ago I left my husband after 14 years. Some days I fall apart and cry till my eyelids are puffy. Other days I sit and embrace this new peace and tranquility. My emotions ebb and flow. Like you with the cup, I had to learn that if I don't break down a cereal or Amazon box it will be ok. No one is going to belittle me and make me feel worthless. Although painful, I am looking forward to meeting the healed version of myself.

[@eadler5929]

You are not alone..

[@gobigirl1]

I was more childish/rebellious after leaving my narc ex. He used to monitor how much dish soap i used, and scold me if he thought I used too much. I'm afraid that ever since I left him, I now use a nice hearty dollop of dish soap when I hand-wash dishes and feel glad that I don't answer to him anymore. It is silly of me to feel that way, but it was a silly thing for him to monitor and police.

[@PenninkJacob]

Boy, did I need this message today, Thank you!!!👍❤❤❤

[@cherrybacon3319]

I remember when I was so traumatised after leaving a Narcissistic relationship and making myself homeless how so sleepy and tired I felt. I saw hope for me for the future but the reality of situation overwhelmed me. It was when I finally got my own place after sofa-surfing that I felt I could relax and believe in that future i saw. And then I met another Narc, and in hindsight I was still transitioning and hadn't spent any reasonable length of time on my own before I got into this new relationship or I would have taken more notice of the Red Flags. Trust me, I see them now. 🍒

[@yuu_miran]

For whatever reasons my life only includes narcissistic people coming my way, small and big, malignant and all the rest, no possibility for therapy, no healthy supports except God. I gave up on individuation or whatever. I only run away from one narc after another, from one toxic workplace to another. And Im a wreck and perhaps gonna be that till the rest of my life but hearing your words, drRamani, has been a prescious Grace given to me Im sure.

[@tumblebugspace]

It's a shame how much damage many in the psychological "services" industry do to the public. I appreciate your education of the public on narcissism, yet the narcissistic abuse I experience is ongoing, because the *white collar trash* who committed the abuse during my childhood are *so holy,* the current "professionals" can just ignore me. It isn't *neglect,* it's *narcissistic abuse.*

[@oceannomad4236]

From a Dr. on this mornings Fox News referring particularly to President Biden but applicable to everyone under stress. This info, in addition to everything in Dr. R's daily videos, tells me that the lifetime damage of staying in a narc relationship isn't worth the risks. "Stress can worsen cognitive issues by causing a spike in cortisol, the primary stress hormone. Prolonged exposure to high cortisol levels can accelerate the deterioration of brain regions, such as the frontal and temporal lobes, which are crucial for cognitive functions like memory, decision-making and impulse control."

[@420lisia]

It's like you have been my therapist sense I found you each video has been right on time with exactly what I need to hear THANK YOU SO MUCH for all you have done for all of us that need your work and for all you have dedicated even when your own health is triggered by it sending healing your way !

[@pinkmeadows]

Thank you Dr.Ramani❤❤❤

[@anonymous-ze2ug]

This video really hit home for me. I blamed myself it was me I was the problem. Thank you Dr Ramini.

[@VS-ky8yg]

I had the same experience! Anytime I can learn and make sense of something I can pretty much run with it, Dr. Ramani has absolutely changed my life🙏. I’ve been married 50+years. My faith is what has held me together. Not that we always follow the path God wants us on. If you are able, get out! I’m a pretty strong woman but listen to Dr. Romani when she says: “It will never change.” She’s absolutely right ❤

[@Bouldersandbarbells]

Today marks one year since I last spoke with my narc ex. I completely blocked him after the final time of disrespecting me and my boundaries and I’m glad I took this year to understand my trauma and myself. Today I even deleted all texting and email history. He had emailed a few times (those come up in spam) but it feels good to have him totally removed! I took Dr Ramani’s advice and have not dated in that time as well. I feel so much more whole and comfortable with my life and the direction it is going. ❤

[@kdycruz]

Thank you Dr Ramani, peace and blessings to everyone 🙏

[@MerryAnne2598]

I thank you with my whole heart!

[@lorianttila9698]

I had to listen to this program multiple times to understand the window of tolerance And my trauma responses which I recognized. I also recognized the trauma response from earlier relationships that the narcissistic abuse was built on. I suffered both the hypo and the hyper. I was turned down for EMDR? Therapy. Today, I understand why. I have been working with my therapist for over two years and following Dr Ramani for probably a year at least. I can say my window of tolerance is so much bigger than it was....I can actually understand and recognize the signs...not just hear my therapist (and others) tell me how far I have come. Thank You! Dr Ramani, thank you

[@ednasprung971]

Boy, did I need this this morning. I started a new job three weeks ago, and the person training me was extremely mean and demeaning. Overnight, I was triggered into a full-blown PTSD flashback, where I couldn't focus or remember instructions at the new job, and I was shaking so badly that I could barely type on my computer. I started talking to myself (as you describe) as "stupid" and felt like all my progress was just erased. I'm just now settling back into that window of tolerance where I can start to piece it all together again. I wish I hadn't been thrown off so badly by my trainer's abusive behavior, but I know in the past that I've stayed in that trauma response state longer than three weeks, too, so I guess that's progress.

[@kayneich9573]

Lost for words on how apt this describes what I've slowly healed from.

[@catieoliva2192]

This video explains so much about what I am currently feeling

[@lourdeswright]

She’s wonderful. I’ve watched her on Unsolved Mysteries (or those unexplained crimes docu series). I always love her analysis.

[@moniquejackson7741]

Wow, Brilliant. It is so Validating and Relieving to know about hyper- and hypo-arousal states and that they are involuntary. No wonder we feel like we're losing it sometimes. It also partly explains why people stay in it so long. With the constant abuse, their windows for change can be only fleetingly open for short periods. Blown away! You are so good at this, Dr. Ramani.

[@SherryTomlinson-r2y]

Right on the spot! Yesterday I was on the phone with someone she needed more information . I flipped out and started rushing myself mercilessly . Afterwards I was aware this is how my narc father raised me. Hurry hurry!! It feels good to at least remember and like wtf I am acting like I do. Absolutely was no reason in this world to freak like I did. Trauma response- which I have now made it conscious as to the whys I did this and do it!

[@dianeabonyi8169]

Dr Ramani, You have explained exactly what I've been feeling for the past four years. I no longer go out because the outside world doesn't feel safe. My body's reaction fluctuates between hyper and hypo arousal. I am also living in hyper vigilance and scanning people's expressions. I left my abusive husband 20 years ago but since my second child left home, four years ago, this has happened to me. I try to manage these symptoms on my own, but watching your videos has slowly drip fed an understanding of the trauma I have endured. I no longer go out and I used to be quite sociable. I find it extremely difficult to explain to people how I feel because I didn't understand what was happening. I have lost my job as the complex post traumatic stress has become a problem. I don't know what type of therapeutic help I need, in order to get my life back on track. I live in England and therapy here has a time limit of 12-24 sessions. Can anyone out there advise me on the type of therapeutic work I need? Thank you xx

[@rachelq0077]

Hi, I was very similar to you. I used to be outgoing & sociable. Then 15 years w the abusive malignant Narc Monster. I was afraid to leave my house or garden. Then he abandoned me, leaving me while I was very ill, & he left me in tremendous debt. I was terrified of going beyond my own front yard. After finding Dr Ramani & listening intently & learning, I realized that I needed a Trauma therapist who understands CPTSD & emotionally abusive relationships & abusiveness experiences. It took me over 6 months of cold calling & researching & reaching out, & I found an amazing Trauma therapist. She uses several techniques with me including Safe & Sound Protocol, & BWRT. I have been with her for over 8 months & I am able to go to the supermarket, & meet new people in walking groups. It has been amazing & freeing. To have someone on my side who believes me & helps me, has been extraordinary. I have never had that before in all of my 56 years. You can do it. Help is out there. From what you have written, it seems like you are experiencing reactions to repetitive trauma. CPTSD is Complex PTSD. It can manifest in many ways including paralyzing anxiety, & depression like symptoms. You can do this, 1 step at a time.

[@rachelq0077]

@dianeabpnyi8169 I just tried to reply to your question, but I don't see my response. In case you can't see my response, I was in a similar situation, unable to leave my house or front yard. I realized that I was suffering from Complex PTSD. After many months of searching, I found a Trauma Therapist who help people with CPTSD & victims of emotional abuse. She uses many techniques including Safe & Sound Protocol, & BWRT. After a few months I was able to go to the supermarket, & meet new people. You can do this!

[@paulsmith5360]

Hello, ILL offer my two pennies worth. !. Journal. Everyday. It'll get easier. 2. Read. Educate yourself about the issue. Here's two that are generally claimed to be excellent. Bessell Van De Kolk " The body keeps the score", Pete Walker "CPTSD from surviving to thriving". There are many more as well as DR. Ramani's excellent collection of books . 3.Follow online podcasts/etc. I'd suggest going easy if you find that they arouse too much emotion tho! 4. REPEAT! You'll probably find yourself going back through the processes again and again. Everytime it's like a rep at the gym You get stronger. You understand more. 5. Find a trauma informed therapist. About as rare as rocking horse shit. Good Luck. If you're at this stage, you're doing really well and I'm personally saluting your . Go well

[@Shannon0hh]

Unbelievable. Thanks Doctor Ramani!

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

This is everything I need to hear right now. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@melmatthews5876]

Every day I thank God for this wonderful being called Dr. Ramani. She has such a straightforward way of explaining everything about narcissists and their behaviour. I'm also grateful for her compassion, and genuine kindness, when she speaks about how narcissistic abuse victims feel. She is a priceless gem, and a light in the dark, in a world full of wounded souls crying out for answers, good clear advice and knowledge. May God bless her and keep her safe always.

[@lbow1111]

Thank you! I wouldn't be in such a good place if it wasn't for your advice! ❤

[@christinemiskec4863]

This was, once again, on point for what I'm experiencing today. I'm so grateful for you, Dr. Ramani

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Thank you so much dr Ramani ❤ you have explained it so well, either we are super high or super low. We need to expand that window of tolerance and when we do, it’s becoming easier, it’s true. Healing takes patience, self-compassion, time, rest, slowing your life down , loving yourself and surrounding yourself with healthy and safe people.

[@Lily_and_River]

I think the therapist of my husband was a narcissist too. I went to her a couple of times to explain my side of things. (This was before I realised he was a narcissist). She seemed cruel, constantly smiling when talking about topics like trauma or suicide. I felt so unsafe with her and judged. She made all kind of assumptions about me and I felt like I was constantly defending myself. She was also asking ridiculous questions and when I asked her to just stop with the questions and listen to me for a minute, she anwered with a question! I completely froze and shut down one time and she kept talking even though she admitted she saw it happen when I told her. I had the strength to ask for a glass of water just so she would leave the room. As soon as she left I felt better. She of course thought it was because of my experience with my husband. Well why didn't she take me more seriously then. After I told her I didn't like the way the session went, I was ignored and she refused to help me while still trying to help my husband. When I reached out to her because things kept escalating at home she didn't believe me and said she felt disrespected. I left her, and left my husband shortly after. First they acted like nothing happened and he needed the space, but when he realized I wasn't coming back he suddenly started saying his therapist needed me to come back because he had now learned to take care of himself and in order for him to grow further I needed to be home. That way he could show me what he learned and we could address my problems too. Wtf. I told him I'm not a lab rat in your experiment🤯 It's the most insane thing I ever heard. I was completely ignored when I told them our marriage was failing and I wasn't doing well. And then when I went away for my own safety, I was just asked to simply come back and work on my own problems?

[@amberinthemist7912]

Honestly yes that sounds like a narc therapist. I'm so sorry you went through that and that you were still able to leave.

[@Lily_and_River]

@@amberinthemist7912 Thank you for reading my long comment and replying. I was very blessed with my parents support, they helped me to get out. I even think that not being believed by this therapist and others helped me to see how ridiculous things were getting and helped me to leave. I didn't know about the concept of flying monkeys back then but it helped me to see the two different realities that were going on and choose my own.

[@ms3rings]

I haven’t even finished the video and you hit it spot on. ❤

[@gosiatomicka6182]

Thank you... Really needed to hear it today

[@Wholesome_Mystic]

Well Doc I just learned a new word from you befuddle I never knew there was a word to express when this happens so I am grateful for that

[@MrsKeeker]

This is so incredibly helpful and validating. Thank you so much

[@MadeleineLynskey]

Thank you so much for this 🙏🏼😊.

[@radial75]

I feel co-regulated by this video. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.

[@maevey3]

Needed this now, thanks.

[@tianacarroll2583]

Hi Dr. Ramani, Love your work. While the window of tolerance is definitely relevant to me, my most recent issues have to do with someone weaponizing this ideology against me. Not the terminology per se, but constantly beating me over the head with the message that I am sad and miserable from comparing myself to others. When in reality I’m currently doing ok, you know, when she isn’t bothering me. And of course when I try to speak up and say I’m ok she’ll say I’m detached 🙄. It will surprise no one here that she has repeated this message to many in my circle. Definitely them weaponizing ‘therapy speech’ at me. So I’m not interacting with her anymore. Which is a shame, because there is a larger group I would have liked to be a part of but that’s not possible with them around so… 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@ElizabethMuellerNovelist]

You are such a kind, compassionate, nurturing soul. Thank you so much for your fathomless love, Dr. Ramani! ♥️🥰♥️

[@rypoelk997]

This was extremely helpful. Thank you

[@ambient_landscapes]

I love seeing your videos as they come out. I'm relatively new to your channel so I have a lot of catch up and it's also great to see new content being created simultaneously. It's been 2 years and 3 months since my last narcissistic relationship and I still haven't healed.

[@hollyhunsinger]

Is anyone familiar with the narcissists tactic of talking to you and only you under their breath and very softly so you are always at at disadvantage and always having to ask "what?" This has been my experience and with it have been told I don't listen and I need my hearing checked.

[@melaw5]

Yes. I swear mine intentionally speaks while in another room, facing the opposite direction, and while water is running or the TV is on. It's super annoying and manipulative.

[@hollyhunsinger]

@@melaw5 Thank YOU! So good to get acknowledgment that I'm not the only one.

[@sharynmain]

This may or not be relevant… but I find people who use tactics like this, are using manipulation antics/power play leverages. By doing so they get to play the narrative. If you question them on it or don’t leap to attention, then it will be your misunderstanding them or being lazy or rude. If you choose to correct their behaviour e.g by asking them to speak up , you may be told that you don’t listen or pay attention. And because if they are talking softly or nicely or innocently( however that looks) by you not relenting to their needs and by some chance… informing them to be more aware and to change their behaviour( rather than pulling them up for it, I mean) , you may end up with them acting out that you are a terrible person for advising that or you are to be seen as being intolerant and mean spirited.. perhaps. All that I know that if you feel that in these types of situations, that they keep recurring, it’s not a mistake or one off… that person chooses to not communicate in a clear helpful, mature way. They prefer that you are the planet orbiting them… and you need to do more work and effort to understand the outcome. After all why should they change or put in more effort? ( a tad sarcastic , I know) . But I now see so much behaviour from past relationships that I wasted A lot if time and peace of mind , trying to generate more than was expected, from situations and people who don’t want relationships… they want mind games, power, resources, attention and what ever else they can glean. If asking a person to help improve a relationship by requesting a fair asking of a behavioural change… especially when they only do it to you… and they know it’s an issue… and also an easy fix… don’t waste time doubting yourself and getting frustrated. Speak up, leave it with them and they get to not only get their way( forever their motive) but they also get to navigate the outcome.. if they don’t like the outcome.. they can only hold themselves accountable. That musing has reflected a lot of my interactions that … really, needed to have an ending to them sooner rather than later. 😊

[@joannaRB]

Yes, soft speaking insistently, even when asked to speak louder. All the time. Yes, it has been suggested often to have my hearing checked.

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

We need to give ourselves time, patience, self care, self love, grounding techniques, breathing, and our windows of tolerance will slowly grow wider, we will not suffer from that hyperarousal state or the numbness and dissociation but will be more present and aware of the here and now state. We can slowly get there. Thank you dr Ramani .

[@MikeBrainzooming]

I needed this video today. I've been contemplating what I need to do and where my therapy needs to head to heal. I'm three months removed from the in-person aspects of the relationship (36-year marriage), and I'm only now experiencing that lingering anxiety, what feel like trauma attacks, and situations where I struggle to get out of the "management" routines that I'd go into to reduce the chaos that my ex- brought to our lives. Your video, Dr. Ramani helps me better understand what I'm up against right now. Thank you!!!

[@lobass8266]

4 months no contact, have ok days and bad days. Yeah i still get down and angry. Its hard work but have to keep going. Just have to remind myself, he aint my problem anymore. All the chaos, unecessary drama, the rages, the emotional manipulation someone else can deal with all that!

[@dani.b4801]

I've been watching DrRamani for yrs, and thanks to the tools learned I left the narc years ago. I often rewatch her vids, and this one, yet again, put what I'm going through into words. This hypo state reoccurs and its helpful to know it happens...

[@JayEss73]

Thank you Dr. Ramani, you have been my guiding light for the last month or so.

[@amielipscomb-levesque8931]

Omg, this is me the majority of the last 30 years! First time feel like sittuations brought on adhd, and ptsd! I've been calling in survival mode!

[@IanRoyball128]

Hello Dr. Ramani ❤ I hope you're having a pleasant day, and I hope you have a peaceful weekend. Thank you for all the real talk you share with all of your viewers 🙏 Your show often makes me squirm in my seat.. That's how I know you're spot on in what you're expressing. Take care ☮️ And thanks again ☺️

[@jlittlej9177]

Thank You Dr Ramani🙏❤️I appreciate you and the clarity with which you speak, on this complicated subject

[@amylott4249]

This one helped me so much. Thank you.

[@jillcummings8810]

I haven’t had this happen in a long time, but I think my window is much smaller. It just seems like I’m listening too close to the words and then I start to reevaluate and doubt certain things. I just have to get away from the situation and try to, get back to what I’ve been learning for so many years. Just amazed how quick it feels that I can turn on myself.

[@valleygirl2530]

Dr. - THANK YOU for your wisdom and knowledge about Narcissistic Abuse. I didn’t realize until lately how common this disorder is and how insidious Narcissism is in our everyday lives. It’s time I took back control of my own life from those who have exerted their power over me. From friends, family, medical/dental professionals, law enforcement, landlords, business owners - HOLY COW they’re everywhere! Even Customer Service operators on the phone! I’m “always wrong” or “uninformed” and they’re “always right”. It used to be “the Customer is always Right”. - Now it’s “Pay up and Shut up”. I have to make calls AND send photos AND emails about the simplest things that others get wrong. I won’t get started on my landlord who’s blamed ME for complaining about another tenant (a true blue Narcissist) who’s constantly breaking the Rules and offending other tenants’ rights. But no one brings the issues up except ME. Bullies seem to run the world today and I’m sick of it.

[@mmhamer]

Thank you so much. It was this feeling of dissonance and numbness that alarmed me that therapy was needed after my divorce. However, by the time I realized this I was already in a relationship with a malignant very dangerous relationship, unfortunately. Your videos has served as a balancer for me. Thank you so very much

[@ateliercarousel]

Summing up my life once again.

[@yukio_saito]

After I started the healing process, I got triggered again when I got gaslighted at work. But fortunately IFS works for me. I have recently stated practicing it myself using the book and youtube videos. EMDR relatively worked for me, but I quit therapy because of the bad therapist. She blamed me for things I wasn't responsible for. Blaming a client is not trauma therapy. I gave up EMDR before I got more traumatized.

[@well_weathered]

What is IFS like? Is it work you do with a therapist in office or on your own? I heard EMDR is a once and done. Is that not the case?

[@yukio_saito]

@@well_weathered I'm doing it on my own because there are few IFS therapists in my country. I use the following materials: 📚 The book: "No Bad Parts" Official KZbin channel: "Internal Family Systems - IFS Institute" Dr. Richard Schwartz also appears in podcasts from other channels I've heard it's okay to do IFS simultaneously with other practices like EMDR, Mindful Self Compassion, etc. And EMDR is not always a once-and-done or one-size-fits-all kind of program.

[@well_weathered]

@@yukio_saito Thank you. I appreciate the information.

[@yukio_saito]

@@well_weathered You're welcome 😊

[@sharynmain]

Just a thought. A therapist may choose to somehow continue to misunderstand you from the beginning or challenge you on events that were your experience and you know were unhealthy and not just poor communication ( many like to apply that). Know yourself, stand up for you in that moment and if necessary have a difficult conversation … chances are whatever they mistake for fact that they have implied- will be woven into your therapy narrative… and may be mishandle and weaponised back at you. Either with or without intention. Gaslighting is not just a characterist of narcissists or those wanting to deceive or hurt… it seems to be a very handy go to, for those taking short cuts in their communication and relationship managing skills.

[@mrfomiatti5515]

G'day Dr Ramani.🐨

[@TutorWindow]

This was one of your best for me. Thank you for making it.

[@matikramer9648]

Thank you, doctor Ramani very much It war so on time !!!!! From the ending of the last September I went through taking myself out of survival mode that I have been in at least last half of my life, knowing about it almost nothing... About last May I have discovered that I'm still very vigilant, very sensitive, reactive enough and with probable emotional neglect and physical abuse also in my wee years... I did became very vulnerable... And I had no help here, where I live. And I live in hostel for mentally unhealthy people, and the level of educational awareness of staff is low. Technically, besides mindfulness they can't offer me nothing. Though I learned something new each day. Your video was souch right on time, though I'm in very wrong place and in very wrong environment, and had not much hope for immediate improvement... But I will do my best... I am 64 now, and I survived much worse, my children too. We are alive and all of us more or less well. That is our the best achievement for now. Thank you, doctor, very much again, and for all you are doing for now.

[@joannejohnson7006]

Thank you 😊

[@1RUTHGroup]

Dr. Ramani for President !!

[@JosCampman-qj3oi]

Thank you for your nice words❤️❤️❤️

[@lisajmj]

Thank you forever, for your wisdom and honesty.💛💔

[@robbyfre981]

Thanks doc.,I have some trauma recovery now,can't begin to imagine what th other person is thinking about me since her blow up

[@heavenshealthyhealingherba8270]

EFT- IFS- EMDR... These are unknown terms to myself & maybe many others... Perhaps this video is just for the pros? The advanced? I can look it up. Thanks for the info!

[@ericagerrard2099]

Thankyou Dr Ramani ❤ I always appreciate your posts. They help enormously in my ability to talk with others about my history because I have the language and concepts. This is invaluable especially when I feel disregulated. My partner is also a survivor of narcissistic abuse. We are learning how to be kinder and support each other better. Things have been rough for us lately. Another close friend is going through a narcissistic abusive relationship. He knows we know what he is now. It’s been hard on myself and my partner. It dredged up alot of our past trauma and we didn’t handle it well. Understanding why is important. We are doing much better as a result of some radical authenticity and kindness. We’ve also employed Brenee Browns tool of percentages. Relationships can’t be 50/50 all the time. It can be really helpful to get that quick feedback and make a plan to support each other consciously when either one or both of you are falling short

[@jamescoburn6789]

She utilised my emotional dysregulation, caused by her gaslights, and turned it back on me. This stopped further questions as thought I was acting crazy. This is joined to my absolute certainty I was correct. I was simply aware that my reactions appeared bonkers. After a four year tragedy of on-off-partially on, with a small trail of reward crumbs , I was able to put the entire jigsaw together last week. I was finally able to pin her down and I got my deliberately obtuse 'I can't give you what you want' which is odd, because she always could when my situation prevented it. I walked away many times for two years this past episode. Each episode nearly sent me round the bend, no replies for days or a responding with something completely unrelated to my question. It's mental abuse and she tried to claim that I was being selfish as she is a single mother and perfectly reasonable that this would prevent a response for four days. It's designed to make you panic and it gives her control. She deliberately hid a lot of the picture and when I did glimpse anything undesirable I was stupid because X was B etc. Luckily, my weakness didn't extend to stupidity and I spotted a lot more clues than she ever knew, because she assumed I was stupid. She would joke about it but it looks like she actually thought it. Each episode revealed something that showed me what was behind the mask. I was always playing catch up, chasing the love bomb period and the intensity of the connection that was all a work of fiction. This is my third CNPD and the third love of my life at 52, this highlights my childhood issues, I know. I don't know how I never linked this one to the other two as they have similar traits. The last one and the mother of my son blew my mind with the rug pull. It happens when your on cloud 9 and their cold matter of factness as they do it is world shattering. There's always someone else behind the scenes who they can swap before the bed is cold. Always. They always return for a second or third attempt at reducing you to nothing. Im both lucky and cursed that I need to know why or what's made that happen It's took four years but once I saw the missing bits, it all fitted together like a swiss clock. Far being unique or special I could superimpose the traits and behaviours onto her and they would fit as if she were a preprogrammed robot. She must have forgot who her old character was, because after 2 years she was a different character entirely, with a lot more of the traits on display. An absolute 0 tolerance for a joke regardlesss of intent she lashed out like a tiger. I was confused and wondered what had happened to her. Nothing. She just forgot that I hadn't seen those bits before. Anyway Im l out of the madness and out of her overeaction to my observations of her narcassism, it did some digging and abracadabra! I found her hidden instruction book in the DSM5 Covert Narcassist, section.

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

My window of tolerance is a periscope.

[@KathieMihindukulasuriya]

Now I understand why my therapist had me work on reconnecting with my feelings first and then talked to me about what was going on. I was sleeping too much and overreacting - it wasn't until I was able to start moderating this that I could receive info or even make simple, logical realizations - like I don't have to put a notification sound for texts when I am being abused over texts.

[@MegaRose1958]

Dr. Ramani this video had me on the edge of wanting to cry when I flash back what I went thru. It's been a little over two years now since one of your videos came to my ph went I had gone into hiding. I am so Thankful for all your videos! I was just wondering today how was I able to just accept what was happening too me that in my right frame of mind I would never have!!! This video explains alot!! I am still healing and it has been a little over two years since I've been out of that unhealthy relationship!! I had experienced deprivation of sleep, Being in a Fog, exhausted, numbness and when you said have Self Compassion I almost broke down!!

[@WesternBonime]

I would love if you could do some focused talks about what it's like to leave all the different types and levels of narcissist. I've left/am trying to get away from a mid range vulnerable narcissist and it's like trying to win with a super smart therapist. He keeps saying he doesn't know, has no bad intentions because he is neurodivergent. He is not. But he is not malicious, just passive aggressive, PTSD inducing, and gaslighting. He is very thoughtful, fun, and insanely generous and has really been supportive of the things I've been going after which makes it that much harder to not feel like the bad guy for leaving, the bad guy for not giving him more chances, not trying to understand him even harder. If he was a mean narcissist like so many of the people you mention and give examples of, it would be easier to see whats real. if you could talk about what it is like to deal with certain situations, what it is to leave for mid range narcissists who have a lot of great qualities (when they aren't being horrible) - I think that would be super helpful for a lot of us.

[@Jasmine_breeze]

In my case, the thing that blocks me is hope. Hope that these types of people can understand what they do to others and want to change. Every time I start to think that I'm writing this relationship off and that I even want to separate myself from this person, I start to feel sorry for this person. I'm starting to get upset that I should give it a chance for the hundredth time and that I should make conditions for a narcissistic person. It's something terrible - this feeling of responsibility for someone and for a relationship.

[@PKandChico]

This really speaks to me. After my involvement with a covert narcissist two years ago, I feel like I've involuntarily disconnected from everything, including myself. Maybe my window is closed? Lol. Seriously though, this helps explain some things and hopefully I will come back soon. Thank you Dr Ramani

[@bumblebee5990]

Window of tolerance seems like something you must endure, I prefer field of capacity, my version seems less restrictive and more positive for myself.

[@mamabear563]

I need that window

[@johnsantello8515]

Can one completely heal from narcissistic abuse, or is it like a 12-step program wherein one is always in recovery?

[@judithargitay9860]

Depends. Being a daughter of a narc father, I think, for us it is the latter. Never completely healed.

[@kzf8978]

This is very helpful.

[@michaelmallal9101]

I'm really sick of being screamed at after all I've done for her.

[@JuliaFrank-zy7yj]

After a lifetime of this treatment is it possible I have brain damage and will never recover? It's been so hard when everything I love, all my creative work and even my amazing land projects have been targeted for shaming in the meanest ways. I've tried something completely different in my last previous "window," training to be a home health care aid for elderly but was served triggers and a discard with looming hoover. "Young Man" will certainly return for the beehives he left on my land after the summer's done and he gave none of the promised practical help. Anyway, I'm not even the penumbra of the shadow of the person I used to be and think I had some kind of brain stroke.

[@sweetfantasygal]

Hey Dr Ramani, I love your videos as usual. Just for some future video ideas. Could you do videos on what NPD looks like when it is comorbid with other Cluster B personality styles? I think it would be really interesting to see what that looks like since most I’m sure most people with NPD are also comorbid with other personality disorders.

[@flyingeaglewoman8682]

Strategy of Tension- consider on a larger scale heaved on humanity as well..

[@5037ZING]

I recently was aggressive againts an innocent woman that talked down to me me llike my narc exwife. I could not understand why i "lost it".