Does This Cross a Boundary in Polyamory?

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@agrajag-no 2 ай бұрын

I think there's two different angles to this. One is to ask whether or not you're morally obligated to in effect keep other peoples promises. I don't think you are. The fact that your partner might have promised someone else exclusivity doesn't really impose any obligations on YOU. But the other question is, what do you want for YOURSELF? Do you want to have partners who are okay with lying to loved ones if it benefits them? Who don't care about agreements and feel that secretly betraying a promise is something they're fine with doing? Or do you deserve better than that? Can you yourself trust someone who's demonstrated to you that they're NOT trustworthy? Personally I'd opt out -- in part beause I don't want to create pain for others. But MOSTLY because honesty and open communication are core relationship-values to me, so I'm not interested in dating people who demonstrate that they don't care about honesty or integrity.

@kenofken9458 2 ай бұрын

This is a very tricky dilemma for those of us in ENM. Sort of the community on-paper "official position" is that we don't get involved in non-monogamous situations that are not ethical aka open. Of course situations with real people in real life are seldom that simple. You seem to be framing the question to yourself primarily in terms of whether you can live with the fact that his partner is not in the know. That's not an invalid ethical concern, but I'd suggest broadening the question set. I think even if you conclude that you have no particular obligation to his partner, consider the ways in which going forward might impact you. Guys who are stepping out on someone have very, very limited availability. You're pretty much going to be limited to seeing him for like an hour or two at most right at the end of certain weekdays. He will almost certainly cancel on you last second if things at home come up and he can't find a valid reason to get out of the house or stay out. There will be a whole raft of rules surrounding when and where you can try to contact him. If you form deep bonds with him and he ends up, say, in the hospital, you can't very well turn up and hold his hand. How will the fact that he isn't living authentically possibly impact his relationship with you? It seems implied that the reason he can't be open is that his girlfriend would never accept it, but do you really know that's the case? I think it's just as likely or more that it is he who is not ENM by orientation or inclination. A lot of guys in his situation are not poly in any sense of the word. They are monogamous guys who just want options and a harem of women exclusive to them. What happens if/when you get involved with him and he decides he has a problem with Andre or others in your life? I wouldn't presume to tell anyone what choices they should make but I would suggest being fully aware of the potential consequences of those choices.

@anarkist2298 2 ай бұрын

I presume that 1) you're not asking for advice here from the random internet; 2) you've possibly already moved past this point by the time this footage was compiled, edited, and published on its schedule; ad, 3) I'm in no position to try to dictate or even prosthetist what I think any given person should do, so please don't take this as me judging or otherwise trying to make suggestions to you. My perspective in such cases is that I have a hard time trusting someone who does that kind of behind another partner's back thing. Aside from the fact that I was unknowingly someone's secret woman he was hiding from his wife (found out after leaving him for other reasons), I feel that anyone who is willing to do that to someone else may not be being completely honest with you, or at least has the potential to be dishonest in the future as they are demonstrating that ethical position in the present regarding someone else. If he's willing to cheat on a partner, can he be relied upon to communicate things like contracting an STI before contact so you have agency to either discontinue sexual relations, make adjustments to your protection regime (and advise your other partners), or consent as an informed person? This is just an easy example, but there may be other half-truths or dishonesty ongoing, or to come, that he may treat you to. Because that's the way I think, I discontinue relations with people who do that kind of thing. I feel like I'm taking unknown risks and possibly risking my other partners in turn by continuing with someone in that situation. Also note, there can be mitigating circumstances that change the nature of the situation described and those might change my decision, but if it comes down to someone knowingly and willingly being dishonest, untrustworthy, or unethical with someone else, I cannot assume that I'm immune to being the victim of it at some point.