Does Your Inner Child Run Your Dating Life?

Рет қаралды 10,156

Patrick Teahan

Күн бұрын

Пікірлер: 125

@legendgamer676 6 ай бұрын

“They’re just looking for a rescue, not a partner.” You just described my entire dating history in one sentence 😂

@purplefinch29 6 ай бұрын

A rescue and a step in parent :/ Learned this lately

@legendgamer676 6 ай бұрын

@@purplefinch29 yep 🙃

@kmac5176 6 ай бұрын

Can you provide more information on this, such as how to recognize when your inner child is influencing your dating life and choices?

@purplefinch29 6 ай бұрын

@@kmac5176 I’m not a professional, but I am working on this in therapy. Essentially we all subconsciously (until it’s brought up and recognized) recreated dynamics we had with our caregivers with our partners. If we had emotionally abusive and neglectful parents, we likely will have neglectful or abusive partners as adults. An attachment disruption is common for cptsd and at the core - because a lot of us didn’t have safe or reliable, immediate attachment figures. It’s about an emotional imprint. This can also make us sabatoge healthy relationships because they feel foreign to our bodies. Due to deep shame and fear we often believe not only we are too broken for love, but that we aren’t worthy of it because of how our parents treated us. That’s the case for me. The self loathing feels impossible to get rid of. It’s been drilled into my brain for years. When it comes to searching for a rescuer, we are essentially looking for someone to fill the role or roles that our parents failed at. When you aren’t given proper tools to adult and abused, you learn 1. you are helpless 2. you can’t trust yourself .

@randomcrap4230 5 ай бұрын

Mine too. It's why I stopped dating all together 17 years ago and just embraced the single life. Dating always felt shitty and uncomfortable and miserable because I didn't know wtf I was even looking for other than attention and someone to "rescue" me from the misery I felt perpetually trapped in, and I would settle for anyone who gave me that attention, convincing myself they were going to be the one to save me from my life and fall madly in love forever because they looked my way more than once. 😂

@qazedc3 6 ай бұрын

My therapist told me I’m good at spotting red flags but I’m not good at trusting my own judgment on those flags. I just ignore them and brush them off - I suppose that’s the inner child overriding the rationale of the adult to be loved.

@Askalott 6 ай бұрын

Dude, totally.

@adrianaavila8853 6 ай бұрын

Yup that’s how it goes

@akilahthompson3451 3 ай бұрын

That’s exactly what happened with my ex. I focused more on who he could be, not who he was at that moment.

@idontknow-ms8mc 6 ай бұрын

My inner child is running my dating life, unfortunately. Fortunately, I see the red flags. Unfortunately, I'm making the conscious decision to ignore them - because my inner child just wants to be told theyre loved and to be hugged. I dont even care whether or not it's true. Just nice to hear.

@Sandra-hc4vo 6 ай бұрын

it's good at least to be aware of that, even that much will help you.

@idontknow-ms8mc 6 ай бұрын

@@Sandra-hc4vo thank you ❤ that was sweet of you to say. I appreciate that.

@SusanaXpeace2u 6 ай бұрын

I went through this phase too. I knew what I didn't want but then somebody would relegate me and I'd be accepting what I'd told myself was unacceptable. I think at some point I decided to GET TURNED OFF by somebody not valuing me. That helped. Instead of an endless court case going on in my head, is this acceptable? should I end it? Do I have the right to end it? and an inner critic confusing me in the responses, I just decided to make it a visceral response. From now on, when somebody treats me shabbily, i get turned off. Like YUCK. No analysis required. I've gone off them.

@SB4E.2 6 ай бұрын

That is very honest. Thanks for sharing so transparently. That is some healing to at least recognize and know it. I’ve had that moment too… knowing I just needed what I needed at the time to get through.

@katherinespinelli-jones2816 6 ай бұрын

I felt this comment hard 😓

@SteeleMagnolia 6 ай бұрын

Had I known this, back in the day, I would have NEVER married my two exes. They turned out to be the most controlling and narcissistic men I've ever known.

@flugsven 6 ай бұрын

Well, they can put you "in your place" in a rather familiar way. Feels like home! Hang on....

@SurprisedPika666 6 ай бұрын

Yes. I yelled at a girl who had a crush on me once. I used to be the desperate one begging for love but I got burned so badly that I became closed off and guarded. I had spent so much of my childhood being "pranked" and humilated by fake friends because I was a desperate fawner with bipolar parents. I was so paranoid. The idea of someone actually complimenting me was foreign. The last person who was nice to me stole $400. I thought it was some kind of prank so I screamed at her (which I never do to anyone) and made her cry. I apologized the following day but I still feel terrible a year later. Trauma can really hurt all your future relationships, especially the relationship with yourself. How lowly did I feel that I couldn't even take a compliment?

@adrianaavila8853 6 ай бұрын

Ahh I’m sorry. But thanks for sharing. You’re growing and learning and un-learning now

@SuperHappyNotMerry 6 ай бұрын

my inner child is definitely running my LACK of dating life. because I was severely emotionally neglected as a kid and have extreme abandonment issues because my mother kept me from seeing my father once she got together with my step dad yet neglected to communicate this fact or talk at all about it, leading me to believe for years that my father was the one who abandoned me rather than my mother who kept me from him…well. now I have absolutely no dating life because I simultaneously am looking for a father in any potential partner while also believing I can not show any sign of emotional needs or vulnerability or I'll be abandoned. which means I'm now 29 and have never been in a relationship

@qazedc3 6 ай бұрын

Damn..you think the lack of dating life is also unhealthy? I’m avoidant-anxious attachment (leaning mostly avoidant nowadays) who was on and off dating apps since my early 20s and I’m 28 now. I always oscillated between celibacy/zero dating and focusing on myself, to then being completely obsessed with finding someone. No in between. That cannot be healthy 😢 I think you just helped me realize why I swing between these two states bc of my attachment styles 😮

@adrianaavila8853 6 ай бұрын

@@qazedc3I have found my two people. 😢😢😢 thank you for sharing. I’ve got a similar story at age 30 😔

@qazedc3 5 ай бұрын

@@adrianaavila8853 what have you been doing so far?

@ChrisBigBad 6 ай бұрын

I observed that and called it "The Sausage Effect", as a potential mate showing just a little interest would have the same effect as a sausage to a dog. Once you give the dog a sausage, it will never leave your side again. As I would try to attach to every warm body who would show a little affection to me. sigh... Haha. Times long gone.

@jyo343gaming2 6 ай бұрын

I got extremely lucky with dating both my partner and I are childhood trauma survivors we've been together for 16 years 💓

@christinecraze 6 ай бұрын

Me too! We worked out our issues together, which is not typical. 37 years this Oct

@VaiskiH 6 ай бұрын

I feel like this applies to friendships too... Just broke off a ten year friendship and am now looking back, trying to sort out where I didn't see something or explained things away. So hard to trust my judgement going forward, but I'll just have to try and try again!

@janettemartin4604 6 ай бұрын

Ending a rough ANYTHING is step one, THE HARDEST STEP TO TAKE! Now step TWO!

@Askalott 6 ай бұрын

I broke off two long-term friendships in the last couple years and it’s brutal.

@qazedc3 6 ай бұрын

I had a trauma bonded friendship from childhood that lasted 15 years and it’s an abomination how many red flags that person carried and that mirrored my parents behaviours. I legit think they’re pathologically some kind of sociopath bc of the shit they’ve done and how much gaslighting there was.

@theoldaccountthatiusedtous6767 6 ай бұрын

It gets better. After leaving a toxic friend in 2016 I found my anxiety getting worse not better, and finally got into trauma therapy. It sometimes felt frustratingly slow but I did get my life back slowly (I think this frustration was the first feeling other than anxiety that I was able to access. bit alexithymic). I certainly won't say I'm completely over all my attachment stuff, but I'm thinking that one day within the next 5 years I'll probably be ready to date, and whoever I find will love me for all that I am - and I'll explain why I often ask for reassurance that they're not mad at me, and they'll understand and it won't bother them to give it just like it doesn't bother me to help someone with algebra, and eventually I'll stop needing to ask it so much.... but I get ahead of myself. My life's pretty good now too, currently a student, sometimes lonely sometimes not, growing and becoming and all that.

@winternightmarecrochet 6 ай бұрын

I've not dated in a hot minute but here are things that helped me, that might help some people in the comments. To see if it's a good match I like to check those things: Is the person considerate of my feelings? How do they respond to boundaries or rejection? Are they able to disagree with me and still have a civil conversation? Do I feel safe and relaxed around them? Am I able to be myself? If I feel like I have to put on a mask to please them or if they keep me on my toes so to speak, that's not a good sign. How do they react when you struggle? Are they gentle and patient, but still enforcing healthy boundaries?

@ducktv8729 6 ай бұрын

Great advice, thanks!

@marysd 6 ай бұрын

This applies to friendships too!

@tinyelephant77 6 ай бұрын

Thanks

@ohogati 6 ай бұрын

oof that last sentence hit harder than i'd like to admit. "They're just looking for a rescue, not a partner." damn.

@RAHHicecream 6 ай бұрын

My inner child is scared to date. I’ve been single all my life and im 30 now 😩 Im trying to self actualize before I feel ‘confident’ enough to put myself out there. I feel like it’ll take about one more year lol

@psychicbyinternet 6 ай бұрын

Yooo same boat except I'm a bit older. Yaaay.

@JasonsWolf 6 ай бұрын

We're all in the boat together lol. I'm 35 but have only been working on things the last 2 years with a therapist. I'm getting better at giving myself grace and space to heal, which I think is important.

@SusanaXpeace2u 6 ай бұрын

I relate. I used to think 'oh I wouldn't tolerate .........'' {fill in the blank} but then I'd end up in the situations I knew rationally weren't what I wanted but I'd make exceptions, and I'd believe that there were reasons (good reasons) to make these exceptions, as if, love conquered my doubts. Or love came in a different wrapper than I'd expected. But I should have listened to that rational side and made a list of what was a deal breaker for me. But that still doesn't protect you from the ghosting!!! Advice from a battle weary online dater, when you get out there, don't allow anybody to rush you. Be in control of the pace. And always think to yourself, if this person ghosted me, would my life feel empty suddenly? and if the answer is yes, then see LESS of them.

@Arachne-qw1vr 6 ай бұрын

30yrs is a great time to begin dating.

@RAHHicecream 6 ай бұрын

So good to know im not alone *hugs*

@spacegirl226 6 ай бұрын

Dating? What's that? I immediately jumped into a relationship with my ex narc, and there was no dating. It was "let's get together and get away from our evil parents." My inner child ran that marriage, though. I needed a rescue, which I got sort of, but I did not have a partner. He was competition in a game I had no idea I was playing until much, much later. I've been on one date. Last year. There have been no dates since. I wouldn't know if my inner child was ruling things or not because I have so little experience with romantic interest. Dating was verboten growing up, so I was fortunate enough (ha) to skip all that drama and jump headlong into a disastrous decade long relationship/marriage with a manchild who was the equivalent of my narc father. Dating now? In this broken society? I'm destined to remain single for the rest of my miserable life. I've missed out on so much -- good and bad and of my choosing. Ugh. Thank you, Patrick!

@toniacollinske2518 6 ай бұрын

My inner adult stopped my inner child from its dating life magical thinking several years ago. Living peacefully ever since

@praytrue 5 ай бұрын

i think i’m going through this now. thanks for sharing 💕

@SusanaXpeace2u 6 ай бұрын

I've given up because my self-esteem is good IF I DON'T DATE. Dating is not like an ''add on'' for me. It is a hole in the boat.

@adrianaavila8853 6 ай бұрын

😅😅 agreed! I’m much better off alone anyways. The boyfriend effect is real… men drain you! Or at least me. Mentally, emotionally, everything.

@annaburns2865 6 ай бұрын

My mom was so “overprotective” of me that I didn’t date until I was almost 30. Turns out I’m 35 now, and she doesn’t care whether I live or die.

@chazdomingo475 6 ай бұрын

Bro, same. Mom used me as her emotional support that my dad didn't offer growing up. Discouraged me from dating. Got mad when I got my first girl. Then she kicked me when I was down when I got sick in my 30s. Feels bad man.

@spacegirl226 6 ай бұрын

My mother was the same way. Out of one side of her mouth was "I want you to find a good man and be happy." And out of the other she never wanted me to leave her and find someone else because she sabotaged any relationships I had -- friendships and my first and only boyfriend who became my narc ex husband. She hates me, but she doesn't want me happy because she's never been happy. Talk about crazy making.

@billyb4790 6 ай бұрын

this is the story of my life....I'd love to see a longer video about this.

@konstantinapsyrra4292 6 ай бұрын

Could you make a long video about this, please? That would be extremely helpful

@ichieru 6 ай бұрын

I second this!

@sasb3675 5 ай бұрын

This was me until a met an incredible man, healthy, secure, interested and invested - unfortunately all the triggers, traumas and insecurities that came up for me presented in a different way than they did with the toxic men I had connected with before and I ended up self sabotaging it until he broke it off saying it wasn’t healthy for us to continue, it was one of the most excruciating heartbreaks I’ve ever had and made me realise I was not at a place where I could make it work with a healthy partner

@beckymichel1845 6 ай бұрын

This information is 32 years late for me😳

@Chapps1941 6 ай бұрын

50 years too late for me

@jen-dy6tm 6 ай бұрын

Same. I was so stupid I might as welll have been a houseplant with anger issues.

@Retreat_Hell 6 ай бұрын

It is never, ever, too late to heal. :)

@Chapps1941 6 ай бұрын

@@Retreat_Hell what would be the point? _"Dreams where the umbrella is folded_ _Into the path you are hurled_ _And the cards are no good that you're holding_ _Unless they're from another world"_ *A Series of Dreams* (Dylan)

@Retreat_Hell 6 ай бұрын

@@Chapps1941 I hope you find peace

@Sandra-hc4vo 6 ай бұрын

Thanks for this.. kind of thought it was a matter of luck if you found someone or not that was good for you, i didn't have the sense that I ought to be discerning really at all. Which I feel really sad for my older me who didn't know better and didn't know that they were worthy of being in a relationship with someone who was nice to them.. :/

@xtessa1 6 ай бұрын

I am scared to date. I think my asexuality comes from my inner child running my dating life.

@rachelstanger6079 6 ай бұрын

Same - I honestly feel like such a loser being the only 19 year old at university who hasn't had sex, had a crush, been on a date, anything romantic and/or sexual whatsoever. But better to be safe. I know I'm way too avoidant. I'm scared of getting hurt/abused/rejected/abandoned and I'm also scared of hurting someone else, specifically by trauma dumping my emotional burden on them (which I would do, because I do that with everyone - I either say nothing or everything, nothing in between). So, I'll be lonely.

@ryuuka1498 6 ай бұрын

@@rachelstanger607919 is still young, try 26 qwp

@xtessa1 6 ай бұрын

@@rachelstanger6079 you’re so young, don’t feel like a loser, you have a whole life ahead of you.

@Thewritingelf 6 ай бұрын

Ooof I feel so called out. Like I can honestly say this comment out of all the ones on this video represents me so well

@amypola5903 6 ай бұрын

I recently felt that energy coming at me from a guy, but luckily rejection sensitivity dysphoria took over and was running the show. So my inner child didn't get a chance, had to hold her back, because I completely agree with what you said. Inner Adult definitely was like we've got work to do before we can jump into this, also I might be seeing some concerning things, RSD do your thing, which is how I recently learned about RSD. But I'd still like Inner Adult to handle these things from now on because RSD is a spaz!

@Christian-o4u 3 ай бұрын

Hahahaha, this one was the best! Never commented before but watched and read hundreds, couldn't help myself when I heard "when our trauma inner child is in charge of dating, which they have no business doing considering their attachment issues"

@RandomAnonymousChick 6 ай бұрын

I was a psycho magnet from an early age so now I perceive everyone through through the lens of a psycho I just don't act on it. Anymore.

@qazedc3 6 ай бұрын

Lord, the accuracy of this. I went from rose-coloured glasses to narcissist-coloured glasses 💀

@RandomAnonymousChick 6 ай бұрын

@@qazedc3 I like that! Narcissist Glasses! Lol! 👓🔎

@maplelatte3366 6 ай бұрын

I finally got smart enough to know that I'm better off alone.

@cdow9032 6 ай бұрын

I tossed the good guys aside to run after the bad guys with long hair. Hey, it was the 70s! Wound up marrying a Narc. Divorced him 7 yrs later. Now I have cats. They're probly narcs too😂

@rainbowconnected 5 ай бұрын

I'm glad you got rid of the human narc. Cats are narcissists for certain, but their behaviors don't do much harm. So long as you don't anger them and force them to pee on your stuff or claw it to bits. Either way, they're way cuter than human narcs and do have some redeeming qualities.

@hazel5646 6 ай бұрын

patrick i’m begging you to stop calling me out like this lol

@EvrenAlyx-fk7rv 5 ай бұрын

I also find this incredibly true for friendships as well.

@nathalieduverna6963 6 ай бұрын

Absolutely. No awareness of personality character just walking blind exactly

@Jae-by3hf 6 ай бұрын

Can you do a video on the opposite? As in you see the red flags, but still hold on to that person? Even if it’s just in your mind and not being in contact with them

@kareemmohammed5270 6 ай бұрын

resonates, much appreciated.

@Erik-o9q Ай бұрын

So true. It happened to me up to my 40th year.

@BravosReviews 6 ай бұрын

For a very long time yes and still at times he intrudes. But I am having some success getting out of the inner child room in my head and navigating into the adult head spaces

@robylintjables 6 ай бұрын

I don't even know if my last (longest and most serious) relationship was good or bad lol

@raindrops_falling 6 ай бұрын

Excellent video. I wish I saw it 40 years ago :0(

@CW-rx2js 6 ай бұрын

Of course!! N it showed in the kind of men i was attracting

@shanxious 6 ай бұрын

Ah. Hm. Well. Something to eventually talk about in therapy, when I’m brave enough to address it

@Askalott 6 ай бұрын

Damn Patrick, why you gotta call me out like that 😂

@theoneanton 6 ай бұрын

I'm terrified my entire marriage is based on trauma bonding

@DeltaMarie1319 6 ай бұрын

Thank you for taking the time to share this. For your observations and helping others heal. Your insight is helpful and appreciated. How would you say you learned to get from the "inner child selection" say... to the healthier ways of selection?

@jen-dy6tm 6 ай бұрын

Where was this wisdom when I was a single girl?

@Chapps1941 6 ай бұрын

Hiding, avoiding you and making you frustrated

@jen-dy6tm 6 ай бұрын

@@Chapps1941 I was buying into the Hollywood/pop culture idea that my craziness would not be an issue if I were better looking, because then it would just be a bit of quirkiness. So I worked on all the wrong things, instead of my mental health.

@Chapps1941 6 ай бұрын

@@jen-dy6tm l don't think ive ever thought about under what auspice l was looking for a partner. I'm trying to work on my mental health but having found out at 63, 15 months ago, I've not got a lot going for me. I've had some incredibly horrible things happen to me. False accusations, false arrests, homelessness, moneyless, jobless. I finally got a job after 6 years and 7 working days into it l broke my collarbone. I have 3 couples as friends. I have no single people as friends. I avoud women now because l feel so much shame which is lucky because tyey avoud me. Love? Not in my life, never has, never will.

@Chapps1941 6 ай бұрын

@@jen-dy6tm wow, you had that much awareness of what was wrong. Thats amazing. I'm not even joking. I had no clue. None whatsoever When l found out what was wrong, C-PTSD, I had doors slamming in my head for 6 months constantly. Now, 15 months later, I'm sitting amongst the broken pottery of my life wondering _what the fuck has this been?_ "This", this = my life I had put up another answer but it was deleted. I can't even remember what it was or said

@roselandpetals 6 ай бұрын

So how do you get more in touch with your inner adult? I suppose you mean your rational side? I finally met someone my inner child really liked because he wasn't toxic. He made my inner child feel safe and like I'd uncovered a playmate. (I felt really safe with this man, and we were very sweet to each other.) And yet it wouldn't have worked out since we lived in different countries.

@trish87563 4 ай бұрын

What dating life? 😢

@silverfox9648 6 ай бұрын

What if i‘m with the right person (treats me well, loves me, supports me) but my inner child is panicking? And how do I know if i’m in love?

@rainbowconnected 5 ай бұрын

Ask your inner child why they're panicking. Help them believe they deserve love that feels good and is supportive and kind! Tell your partner that's going on for you, ask for their help if that feels right. I've had this when I connected with safe, healthy people. It feels unnatural and scary because it's so different than what we were taught that "love" is. I can't tell you how to know if you're in love, it's sort of an ineffable thing.