Does your Spouse Blame you for Everything ? | Dr. David Hawkins

[@amyteurlife9408]

There are people who actually blame others for things they themselves are really guilty of.

[@martam518]

It's not normal to do it as an adult.

[@smokingcrab2290]

All women do this

[@Italkswaytoomuchly]

​@@smokingcrab2290Uhhh NO. They do not.

[@Tinyteacher1111]

Yes!

[@chrisjamesg]

So if someone is being a hypocrite, you can’t tell them they are being hypocrite? For example, they’re constantly disregarding your emotions saying you’re a drag, but get extremely mad at you for not listening to them

[@lauralamanna5133]

I did t even make accusations I just wanted us to be accountable for our own actions. 🙄

[@sarahbouckhuyt538]

Right 😢 impossible

[@Langley_Ackerman19]

And that's the worst part of it. Husband won't even try to listen to actual videos or articles from actual psycholohists so he can eveb try to understand what I feel and why I act the way I do. I'm so tired of trying to make my relationship work. I wish I never got married and had kids. It's not f*cking worth it!

[@HackerBusting]

I provided everything to my family, stayed home, never drank, never used drugs, just quiet and play video games in my office. I'm nearly always home, just being a home body. Never looked at other women, never cheated, never made confrontations with neighbors. My wife, total opposite. Always in everyone's business, asking me to "cause trouble for people online", always making drama with neighbors, then a day came when she had no friends and no neighbors would talk to her anymore... so it was only me left. I was the blame for her losing all her friends, neighbors and her becoming depressed. It's always me, my fault, somehow.

[@Skeijeindi]

Yesterday we were in the supermarket, he was taking some bread for him and struggled to put it in the plastic bag, I helped him but I didn't help him the way he wanted (I don't know how he wanted it) and so he rolled his eyes. I am not his slave so I told him to not roll his eyes at me for something like this. His answer then was to leave the supermarket without me and went home and said he lock the door leaving the key in. We were moving house and I am already in the new one, so he knows I have a place to go, but all this was very very hurtful. I don't need all this extra pain he gives me

[@Shopgirl1]

Same here..I asked hubby to paint living room which he didn’t want to do, got mad and spilt paint all over floor which I cleaned up then got mad and threw the paint roller with stick out in the yard..from now on I’ll hire someone to do things that need done that I can’t do even though I pretend he dead and not here to do things so I do what I can myself😂

[@smokingcrab2290]

Why do you treat him like a baby? Why are you judging the way he puts things into bags? Do you not see how fucking insufferable it is to micromanage him over stupid things like that? This is why he hates you. You're overbearing and annoying and you act like his mom.

[@joshcowden6163]

​@@Shopgirl1you sound like the problem

[@faa1412]

@@Shopgirl1 Sometimes hiring others to do things can be just the thing he needs to see and maybe get him a bit jealous to the point where he takes it upon himself to do them. May or may not work. But one thing I've learned, is don't wait on others.

[@1timeslime971]

That’s what my husband did> he USED the therapists words against me.

[@Tinyteacher1111]

Ditto!

[@cheryldee95]

Yes! The childish behaviour that these grown individuals end up using…to trigger their targets emotions, in attempt to ‘win’ in every aspect of the relationship, is shocking. There is nothing they will not stoop to…to get what they want, and to make their target look unhinged…in absolutely every single situation.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

They are biologically grown, but have arrested development emotionally.

[@martam518]

What do you do if you are married to a person with above behaviors? Stay or leave? If conversations, therapy, etc...nothing helps? What if they always say " I won"- like it's all about winning and loosing.They try to always find someone to blame.they get into argument about small things,scream at you ....

[@martam518]

​@@drdavidbhawkins Is it healthy to stay, or is it better to leave ?

[@erikamichael115]

Im 32, my husband is doing this to me now after cheating on me when I was visiting my dying mother 6 months ago. He berates and yells at me until I'm literally having a panic attack. I've been living in hell for 6 almost 7 months. We have an 8 month old daughter and 8 year old son. Everything you are saying is scary spot on. Yesterday he looked in my email when I was picking up my daughter from the babysitter and saw that I had reached out to a counselor who specializes in narcissistic abuse.And all I said was that I need help because I can't cope and I am trying to find a way to split up and get my two children and I out of this situation safely and amicably without him tryjng to ruin my life or punish me and take my babies. He immediately threatened me to try to take my children away, saying I am setting him up to be arrested, that I'm manipulative and narcissistic and evil and was alternating between seething anger and insults then mocking me as I'm crying and hyperventilating. He has started a smear campaign for months trying to make me seem like an unfit mother and turning everyone against me.

[@staciachromasia]

Ever since my husband acquired his Tik-Tok degree in psychology, he has used every bit of his social media education against me 😒🥴

[@karennovosat5435]

😂

[@Joe-d4s4x]

Omg this is my girlfriend, it’s exhausting.

[@staciachromasia]

@@Joe-d4s4x Exactly!

[@rossothecrimson7]

😂 Tell him to prove it, "Let's go to couple's counseling" but do it after you have done separate counseling so you can compare notes. 😂 He'll probably stfu and not want to go.

[@PaigeSquared]

It's funny when they use the clinical jargon, and clearly never even bothered to understand the standard definition of whatever term or phrase they're mis-using. 😅

[@lisastuard1238]

I want to hit like because everything you're saying is true. I can't though, because I don't understand why the professionals contributions to this isn't even mentioned. My husband did exactly what you described and worse, but his therapist just keeps doing sessions at 150 a pop, and either believes/validares all of his lies and stories...or knows he's lying and faking but validates and acts like he believes it all. This has been a pattern through 5 different experts. When victims have to be "taught" how to deal with extra therapy induced abuses and traumas, there's obviously an issue on the professional side too.

[@VS-yb7oq]

Same experience, Lisa!

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Sorry to hear what you've endured. We do have other videos on secondary abuse and the lack of education and training amongst professionals on recognizing and treating covert psychological abuse tactics. This is one of the many videos we have on secondary abuse: kzbin.info/www/bejne/kKe8g5drbrmSjrM

[@loberleitner1]

Yes it is true. Therapists with less experience can cause further damage.

[@jordanhansen8631]

You can still hit like, because he's against the bad you're mentioning.

[@martam518]

Are you still with your husband ?

[@1timeslime971]

Ya know, I’m a devout Christian this requires honesty and humility…I too was once a narcissist, but then I turned four years old!!!!

[@Joy-sm7iz]

Saying, please stop makes the bullying and gaslighting worse

[@erikamichael115]

Yep

[@jeremygeorge9494]

When I made an attempt to tell my spouse how I feel when she said XYZ to me... her response: "I guess I need to "snow flake" it up for you" or "I guess I'm just a bad wife" or "If I make you feel that way then maybe I should just pack my bags and leave so you no longer feel that way." Instead of just listening to understand rather than listening to fire back a response! I love her, unconditionally... 10x more than I love myself... though how do I work with a spouse like that!?!?!

[@RubyVideoFan]

You are a great man. Your marriage will last. My girl does the same thing to me.

[@jeremygeorge9494]

@@RubyVideoFan - How do you work with that and what do you do???

[@RubyVideoFan]

@@jeremygeorge9494 Wife: We have some activities like helping our friends distribute flyers going door-to-door. Me: I am tired, I want to rest. Wife: What?You want to rest!!. (She once called me lazy pig). Another time:Wife: Don't cut the bushes or tree branches. Me: I want to cut them to trim. Wife: You are unreasonable. (Argued for a long time) 3 months later. Wife: Ok, you can cut the bushes and tree branches. Me: What? I wanted to do that and you did not want me to cut them.

[@jeremygeorge9494]

@@RubyVideoFan- What did you say when you reminded her that she didn't want the bushes trimmed up?

[@RubyVideoFan]

@@jeremygeorge9494 i softly and nicely said to her almost like this, 'Hey, 3 months ago, i wanted to cut the bushes and branches, and you didn't want me to. We argued about it. Remember?' She just said nothing and walked away to continue to do other housework. I was once told by women and men not to bring up stuff to put blame on a wife. But i had to kindly remind her.

[@tonyalmaguer7842]

I felt this video to my core. In the beginning of my marriage I used to try and help my wife understand what she didn't and she loved me for it. But at some point I can't pinpoint she stopped accepting my help and started being combative when my information was in conflict with what she was willing to accept. So I stopped, and she now blames me for discontinuing my efforts, and have tried to explain on numerous occasions why, but she denies my explanation and says I'm wrong or being manipulative, and denies any acknowledgment and keeps insisting that I'm at fault and my feelings are lies. I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do, any and all advice would be appreciated

[@yahdaimiry414]

That Part!!!!

[@show_me_your_kitties]

She is the one being manipulative with an assertive twist. She is accusing you and blaming you for her own immaturity and lack of self-awareness. I was there for years, it never goes away or gets better. The good times aren't really good times, it was just times you were being agreeable and in alignment with her views, her ideas, her wants and her needs. Sorry to be so direct, I hope I am not offending you, but I lived it for a long time. I know exactly what you are saying and understand. They will pretend they don't understand, shift blame, get loud, play victim, lie, the list goes on. They are incapable of self-reflection but think they know themselves so well. Unless they are willing to get help there is no changing it. Best of luck to you and your health and happiness.

[@Iwish4zombies]

@@show_me_your_kittieswow you just explained my situation. “They pretend to know themselves. They are incapable of self-reflection. The good times are when your agreeable.” Daaaaaaamn. I think i’m in the thick of it so not sure who’s in the wrong…but I do know she does the majority of blaming and yelling, and I DEFINITELY am more the “concerned” one. It’s tough.

[@smokingcrab2290]

You're telling my story. Literally everything I do has nothing but either negative consequences or just neutral unresponsiveness. I can't ever say what I need to say. I can't ever ask the questions I need to ask. It's nothing but a cycle of neverending narcissism. Every attempt I make to get her to understand me is met with her just not caring at all. And all she wants is her way. She doesn't realize how good she can have it. Foolishly woman

[@Private_Pookie]

Spot the fuck on!!!!

[@Apalm12]

I get this all the time I get social media stuff sent to me all day saying I’m narcissistic. But she wasn’t always this way just after she had kids. No matter what I do I am wrong and there no changing it in her mind

[@coryc5545]

I think these comments show the problem in relationships. Lack of accountability and a men vs women mindset. Both are capable of being toxic and harmful to the other. We need to see things as a partnership again

[@smokingcrab2290]

You can thank feminism for that

[@tribelessoutsider]

My husband continues to use te "stop" method to completely shut me up...for months at a time or entirely on any issue that is important to me. He then speaks to me condescendingly and tells me I refuse to follow instructions we are paying for in the session because he refuses to have conversations but uses the pause method recommended and as excuse.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Some issues need to be addressed in the presence of a counselor who can facilitate the conversation. But yes, this is another example of using what is learned in counseling as a weapon to manipulate another person.

[@missydavis6678]

Not talking about what someone really needs to talk about is manipulative and controlling too. I'm trying to fix my issues because we grow up and sometimes our parents come flying out of our mouths. But I think not allowing someone to communicate and then triggering them to get angry is manipulative too. Because it does cause anger.

[@momsmushroomsjodyfoster5786]

My husband continuously blames me for the abuse our adult son heaps on me regularly. He lives with us and has been all his life. We do everything for him, but all he does is break our hearts and lie to us. Anytime I ask my husband for help. Regardless, how I say it, he either ignores me, minimizes the problem, or even blames it on me. I’m tempted to leave. I feel like running away. But I still love my husband with all my heart. And I absolutely love my adult son. I know he struggles with mental illness. But the ongoing abuse has made me depressed and I was diagnosed with lupus.the constant tension and anger in the house is exhausting. Please tell me what to do.

[@Shopgirl1]

Leave both their lazy entitled azzs

[@Mr.ChadBased]

There’s a millions videos to help women cope and escape accountability. Not much for men out here. We suck it up, whether at work, home, or anywhere in the world. We take whatever comes our way and find a way to keep going. We don’t get the luxury of stopping and pointing fingers, whining about our feelings, or dwelling on all of our lives problems. We wouldn’t function if we did. Hmm….it honestly should work both ways ladies.

[@HurricaneIrene07]

You sound like you hate someone.

[@HackerBusting]

@@HurricaneIrene07 you sound like my wife, and yes she has made me hate her. I am blamed for 100% of everything she messes up in life. Somehow, its my fault things fail with I have had zero input on them. My wife has never said, "my fault", "I messed up", or "its not your fault" to me in over 15-20 years. I honestly think that some women simply go insane when they stop being the absolute center of attention in the lives of everyone around them.

[@faa1412]

@@HackerBusting alot of ya are married to narcissistic women and don't know it.

[@EugeniaMascheroni]

Whenever i listen to something about relationships i check myself first before i judge my partner.

[@sonnyh9774]

If the spouse is lying, then I would agree that is or might be abuse (depending on the circumstances), but if it is true then I don't see why it would be emotional abuse. It looks more like accountability. The Bible tells us to confront our brother with his sin in Matt 18.... how much more so our spouse? Telling each other our faults is not necessarily abusive. It's different if one spouse won't listen to rebuke or correction but constantly berates the spouse with false accusations. If an accusation is true, then the offending spouse should repent and ask forgiveness for the offense. If the offender gets all mad and yells "emotional abuse".... "emotional abuse". Well, that appears to be a cop out excuse to deflect attention from the offense... it's an escape mechanism. A good counselor should be teaching each spouse how to confront the other Biblically and also how to receive a correction or rebuke. I see too many counselors turn the whole thing into a "bash the husband" exercise. If the husband needs accountability, then great, give him correction, instruction, and accountability. But don't let the other spouse off the hook. Counseling sessions and books are for both spouses and there's nothing wrong with one spouse confronting the other with an offense they learned about in a book or counseling session.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Thanks for your perspective. Undoubtedly both spouses have things they need to work on as no one is perfect, but there is a time and an appropriate way to do this. When there is abuse involved, the rules are a bit different and couples counseling is not advised until the abuse is addressed.

[@joemahma3017]

⁠@@1timeslime971did you axe him why and actually listen? Or did you do what was described in your comment which is immediate defensiveness, mindreading (assuming instead of learning, projecting maliciousness, and immediately reacting from a wounded ego? Eyes closed. Empty your breath. Breathe in through your nose for four seconds. Be sure to breathe from the diaphragm. Fill your lungs but don’t do so desperately. Hold five seconds counting silently in your mind. Exhale from the mouth six seconds. Repeat five times. Get over yourself and learn that service to others is the best way to serve yourself.

[@gracea8345]

My husband was judge, court and jury.

[@RubyVideoFan]

In a relationship, the woman is always right. My divorced friend told me. My co-workers told me a woman is right even if she knows that she's wrong. These words kept my marriage going.

[@Discipline2-q6g]

Get out of the marriage because resentment is real, trust me.

[@Mr.ChadBased]

Nah this is str8 facts. There’s a millions videos to help women cope and escape accountability. Not much for men out here. We suck it up, whether at work, home, or anywhere in the world. We take whatever comes our way and find a way to keep going. We don’t get the luxury of stopping and pointing fingers, whining about our feelings, or dwelling on all of our lives problems. We wouldn’t function if we did. Hmm….it honestly should work both ways ladies.

[@prayfortheusa6092]

So our dog was sick and probably dying. My spouse wouldn’t allow bringing him the the vet. He kept getting worse and we decided to bring him to the vet to be put asleep. When the technician started asking questions about what did our vet say I was uncomfortable with saying we didn’t bring dog to vet. So I began to feel unsure about being there and wanted more assurance we were doing what was right. My husband assumed I was changing my mind to take the dog back home and got anger and walked out. The vet came in and assured me this was the right thing to do so I felt better. I went out to the car to tell my spouse to come back in to say goodbye and he was angry with me and said I stopped his decision to have dog put asleep. I tried to tell him I just needed to hear it from the vet but he exploded but eventually came back in. I tried to tell him this morning how I felt and he just accused me of wanting to take the dog home and I said that it was needing more reassurance that it was the thing to do but he then said the dog was suffering and my feelings didn’t matter. Every time I have had someone close to me die I have gotten no comfort or support. He just doesn’t allow me to have feelings. Am I crazy?

[@Loybean33]

You’re not crazy, your feelings are valid and you don’t need to justify them to him, especially in such an emotionally fraught situation. I’m sorry you are going through this 🩵

[@faa1412]

look up,"signs of a narcissistic husband" and see if they apply to him.

[@MrNatural73]

When You get blamed for It all. Turn Cold. Just Freeze. Go Silent.

[@LangShell]

I’m so glad I came across this, I’m with someone who is working on healing their past wounds of abuse, and finding I’m getting blamed or triggers happen & being punished for it! I thank you for sharing your wisdom and what I can take from this to use! (back story) we’ve known one another all our childhood lives, I know what they’ve been thru we’ve been married for just a year!

[@joshuamac6302]

Because they need to grow up. It takes 2. It also takes 2 that can become 1, that's willing to compromise, be patient and supportive.

[@davidgardner9179]

Yes. Yes, my wife blames me for everything politics, something broke, the wind changed direction... everything.

[@toyabdool5127]

To help people in talk shows sometimes we just need to get to the point .

[@AveryGarland]

I won’t even ride in the same car with him anymore. .. Reaching our destination, He will accuse me of his reckless driving or tell me to drive a certain way or if we talked on the phone during the drive criticizing my driving. We will drive two different vehicles!! They live in pure delusion.

[@rossothecrimson7]

I could see myself trying to do that to my partner, but not manipulative but to try and diagnose which isnt in my lane or my profession. I know to just stay in my lane when I see my therapist and hope he chooses to finally see one himself. I can see him trying this on me too whenever he goes to therapy.

[@lauriekerze3461]

Egad. Exactly. He badgers me until I stop the argument for sanitys sake, then the therapist said to go back to subject. Well its been beat to death, mostly one way. I'm done with topic.

[@tawanu]

The problem is modern day psychology and it's fixation with creating stereotypes and labels. Back in the day, counseling was based on case studies and actual real life scenarios that were relevant and specific to the couple. No ugly labels or terms. These stereotypes and words like narcissist, BDP, psychopath etc. are used loosely in social media and then incorrectly applied in common life conflict when it's actually not in any way clinical diagonosis. Everyone has a moment they think of only themselves selfishly. That doesn't mean they lack empathy. Everyone refuses to take accountability especially where criticism from their parrner or parent is rampant. That doesn't make them a clinical narcissist. Stay away from labels. They do more harm than good because they just make the other party defensive.

[@BeanBitesMe]

My ex used to provoke me and then tell me that the look on my face was contempt and I was a narcissist

[@kimberlific]

It's so ironic when your narcissistic husband tells you that what you're doing is DARVO. Talk about gaslighting. (I didn't direct him to this material. He found it and now tells me I'm a covert narcissist. Except that I started looking into narcissism years ago (for him) and I am familiar enough with it that I know the shoe simply doesn't fit. (I've tried to see it, and it just isn't it. I'm highly empathetic and also take responsibility for my actions, apologize, show remorse, and make amends. But it doesn't seem to me that he's capable of understanding those things. He is practically incapable of empathy, and asking him for an apology...I might as well be asking him to commit suicide.) Thank you for your videos, Dr. Hawkins. Hoping that someday my husband might be able to benefit from your practice's services.

[@sarahcouture24]

But what if you both have narcissistic tendencies and the thing they bring to your attention has validity? Is it fair if you can bring something up for them to work on, but not the other way around?

[@considerthebirds]

I guess how is it done? Is it brought us in a humble manner, with kindness and heartfelt, genuine concern? Or just say “yeah maybe so, I’ll definitely think about this, thank you.”

[@drdavidbhawkins]

We are all a work in progress, none of us are perfect so in all likelihood, yes both parties probably have some things they need to work on. But the point Dr. Hawkins is making in this video is that counseling is for you to work on yourself. There is a time and place, and an appropriate way, to bring up concerns about your partner, not in an accusatory manner.

[@smokingcrab2290]

Very few people are actual narcissists. That word gets thrown around so much to demonize anyone you don't agree with

[@WonkyWomanLife]

It may be because they are tired of the other spouse being apathetic and ignoring their feelings and they get so frustrated they do that

[@terrihunt522]

I hate being abused! Manipulated ! How do you survive?

[@ts381]

how are you so accurate!!!

[@Rocky-xx2zg]

She does this to blame her failings on her husband. Refuses to see that She is the reason for her own failures in life.

[@gigicoogler]

Idk. Probably don’t need to worry about it since he’s refused therapy or even praying with me though he claims to me a righteous Christian man. Still then we can’t reference anything like these videos or any evidence that emotional abuse exists? Seems contradictory and leaves me more confused.

[@lijohnyoutube101]

Just go to therapy by yourself. Also being religious has no tie to being a good person it just means you were raised with a form of indoctrination and in fact many religious households are full of abuse and toxicity.

[@smokingcrab2290]

My wife claims to be Christian and she doesn't care about the things of God at all. Hates going to church. Prayer means nothing to her. I think I'm unequally yoked.

[@lwontherez7927]

-a very YOUNG child! Two years old even

[@lexiwest2644]

But then he will do the same thing, which halts any growth or me being heard.

[@eleanorselwyn-smith6961]

My husband uses the Happy Wife youtube lady who blames all good mens issues on the wife. Its the females that have the problem. They are the drama queens and that us women have to look at ourselves before we have an opinion on our husbands. He sends me her videos everyday saying" see she explains your issues" so I am the one who needs to change, because this lady says I'm the one with the problems. Its my fault that I get emotionally and verbally abused and that my husband is validated for what he does. 😢

[@anonymousanonymous4238]

I am a woman and I refuse to date, hookup, have babies, or have romantic relationships with men.

[@andybell6915]

What if the originally accused is right?

[@kathleennoel8577]

My husband is perinoid schizophrenic and is now 50 he literally blames me for everything and thinks i poised the meals i cook so he doesn't eat blames me for everything thats messes up or goes wrong tells me all the time to shut the fuck up i dont know what to do anymore we have been married for 25 years and hes getting worse

[@orangeandslinky]

Why do wives leave husbands because they are to nice and perfect?

[@kennydileo414]

Fault Finding Syndrome

[@richardgilgunn]

Excuse me!!? What the hell is wrong with holding your partner to account for the way they show up in relationships? Nothing is wrong at all. It seems to me, that when somebody admits they’ve got issues and then seek that help, it gives the partner and others license to get away with their silliness in relationships. I think this video is missing the point, that it’s never just one person’s fault. The most important thing is dialogue. If there’s no adult and mature dialogue at baseline? Walk away!!!

[@BriavelsVic-pu9xf]

I need help 😢

[@richardgoddard9785]

If you cant tell someone your married to what you learned in counseling and point out the problem then wtf is the point of going to counseling. If the person doesn't know they cant change. Your one of them feelings therapist, i will never call you a doctor...all yall do is read a book and think every brain works the same. If i cant say something because Feelings might get hurt then i dont want you in my life anyway. This is why America is turning into sissys

[@Private_Pookie]

My thoughts exactly lol this guy is poisoning people

[@Myopiniononly]

Just get a divorce quit complaining or live with it dam everyone crying for nothing everybody has issues everyone

[@tearthangel373]

I can identify

[@Private_Pookie]

I do not approve this message

[@RossAveritt]

❤❤❤❤❤❤