How to Remain Functional in the Midst of Unresolvable Conflict | Dr. Henry Cloud

Having an unresolvable conflict with someone you care about can be one of the most difficult experiences in life. When faced with this type of situation, it can often seem like there is no way out or that there is nothing to be done. Often you can’t do anything about it in the immediate term, and you have to find a way around that issue. This is not about denying the issue at hand. It’s about recognizing the state of the conflict and compartmentalizing it. Dr. Cloud goes through steps on how to let that which is unresolvable remain unresolved for the time being in a healthy way so that we can remain functional in all the other important departments of our lives.
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[@flatlander0028]

I come from a family where I am the only one to stop using drugs. My husband and I both have 4 1/2 years clean. My mom, brother, sister cousins, and many nieces and nephews are still addicts of alcohol and drugs in varying degrees. I have taken my stand that there will be no addicts around my children. I have no contact with any of my extended family. I just started Celebrate Recovery. It looks very promising.

[@D07770]

@flatlander0028 Congratulations to both of you! First for being clean and second for making the decision to go no contact which is a tough thing to do! All the best to you and your family.

[@terr1]

@flatlander0028 Well done on working out your recovery . You have a difficult family dynamic to contend with !! Blessings on you as you raise your children in a healthy home .

[@JAMBALAYATALKS]

In laws are toxic to be around and it causes division in my marriage, so we’ve agreed I don’t have to go to their events or gatherings..it works and Shalom is kept in my home.❤️

[@davidcathy1milan]

I had conflict with my in-laws because I married their son and I had a son, I heard they felt their son did not need a ready made family and I let it go but everytime I was over there there was words said and actions displayed that I just could not handle and I didn’t go to family functions for 5 years and now 3 grandkids, I being a Christian realized I needed to forgive them and be a nice Christian you know act like Jesus, I couldn’t keep their grandkids away either. I started going back but I stood my ground, if words of untruth came up i immediately straighten it out or if they treated my children differently I made sure they treat them equally, was it easy not at first but they soon learned I was not the bad person and I was very good for their son, they knew they could count on me if they needed help and my children loved them now they are gone and we’re married 46 years and my kids grown with kids and no one remembers anything bad

[@jon8230]

Yes ma’am, Testify! Glory to God for working on everybody and creating a functional family unit. You did what needed to be done, not what was comfortable. It isn’t easy to go against the grain. Good job

[@lindamolyneux3536]

Wow!

[@Amy.]

I had this video saved to my “Listen to Internalize” playlist and listened again today, months later...still so helpful.

[@bethtaylor9773]

I've heard it phrased, 'detach from the problem not the person', and that works for me. (When it involves abuse, I have to detach from the person too.) I'm having to stand on my believing the Bible now though and still love a grown daughter without enabling her insistence on LGBTQ being good with God and actively leading my two grandkids down that path too. Lots of prayer as I'm only allowed to see the teen grandkids with her there to monitor and rarely at family get togethers at holidays. I just have to trust that God is bigger than this mess. The other kids and grands don't subscribe to that though, and for that I'm so grateful! God doesn't make puppets, and each grown person is responsible for his/her own choices.

[@Deeber65]

The Lord can direct her out of that. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

[@bethtaylor9773]

@@Deeber65 thank you.

[@bethtaylor9773]

@@ChangingTides777 so is God and His Word. Joe Dallas has some youtube videos with his story, and Melissa Dougherty has a youtube interview with a friend of hers. Those are only two examples of people coming out of the homosexual lifestyle and dealing with their orientation. I have heterosexual orientation, but that doesn't mean I act on it outside of the boundaries set by God in his law. Jesus' sacrifice did away with the dietary laws (per Peter's vision and Gentiles not being bound to them) and the sacrificial laws - but it didn't do away with the moral law (Matthew 5).

[@FaithFashionFinances]

I just discovered this channel, wonderful.Dr. Cloud’s work was the key focus on of our women’s Christian Codependency Group.

[@darlenebartos3889]

Sometimes you have to agree to disagree. My husband has a lot of emotional intelligence and he is good at communicating. I am blessed.! Feel for those who have family members that are negative and toxic

[@sharonnugent408]

A friend of mine taught me this prayer and affirmation." I forgive everyone e erything every day

[@juliejen2605]

Disrespectful behavior and when you confront the disrespect, they Just minimize it and dismiss it. I try to go along to get along to get and I'm the only one being hurt. They don't care, it's not their feelings being hurt.

[@northerngaltrue]

Thank you. Very helpful. Wise dad advice I wish I’d gotten when young.

[@user-kl1kf4wy9k]

Dr. C. you should be proud about your boundary influences on the other side of this that I applied- for real.

[@Kiwiwanderer]

This guy is sooooo good. Hes spot on

[@vnedecim]

Thanks, Dr. Cloud. Here are my notes for the day's video: The happiest marriage is accepting their differences and don't step on each other's toes. Try to compromise if needed. However, there are other things that are unresolvable. So, we need to respect people and accept the differences. When you make a stand, that is unresolvable due to your values. But don't burn the bridge because there is always a way back. Letting people choose is freedom. Micro level: a. healthy compartmentalization - executive function of the brain. No cold shoulder, reminders, etc. You can still speak to each other nicely and separate the issue. We have to leave others unresolved sometimes. We need to be flexible. We will be unhappy and unmanageable. As much as it depends on you. Do everything you need to do in the community. Sadness is resolved and badness cannot.

[@ulysseshines7454]

This is true giving people to much power for me it all comes back to character stop trying to please everyone that doesn't fit in your circle

[@edcruz4905]

Thank you Dr. Cloud for your expertise and generosity - so grateful for your advice- I put it on the shelf.

[@summerwater7898]

Thank you Dr. Henry Cloud you are truly a blessing

[@shereemoon]

Thank you, words of wisdom and needed guidance.

[@bridgeegibson2790]

Thankyou this was very helpful. I’ve saved it. For future reference…..it’s uncomfortable for me to have unresolved conflict but this helps me . Bridget from New Zealand

[@linneasimchah1621]

The split between Paul and Barnabas over John Mark is interesting. John Mark had deserted them earlier, and Paul found him no longer trustworthy. I've always thought Barnabas disagreed with Paul, and wanted to take John Mark anyway because Barnabas' gift was one of Encouragement. "We don't see the world as it is, but as we are." Barnabas probably knew it was likely he could encourage John Mark sufficiently enough to keep JM going in the right direction. But Paul's gifts were apostolic and teaching/revelatory, which have a different POV/approach to people. Interestingly though the Holy Spirit followed Paul's journey. That says a lot, imo. Later when Paul changed his mind and was open to John Mark, I'm guessing by then, JM's track record had been more proven, and the prior desertion was possibly a one-off.

[@lindamolyneux3536]

Wow, thank you! This is so validating and healing about some things for me.

[@MrFlightdude]

I have been banished. (And the bridge burned too) Thankyou for sharing that this is not Gods way. It’s the answer I’ve been looking for. Wish I knew the scripture reference you referred to. I’ll try to find it.

[@marciamargeson3813]

Life on life’s terms

[@Bonnieuxful]

Very good advice Dr. Cloud. 👍🏼

[@rochellecaffee1417]

When i was growing up, i was taught that being “professional”, and being an “adult”, should help us not resort to selfish motives to have our own ways. See James 4::1-3, and 1 Corinthians 13:11-12. Selfishness to have your own way, is indicative of an “immature” behavior. When we are children, we are always concerned with having our own way….it’s the “mark” of a child. Being “grown-up” means that we put “selfishness” away, and as “adults” we think of the needs of others in our lives. Paul talks about “serving others”, now that we are loved, nurtured, and understood by God having all that we need.😊

[@joannecuomo1312]

Excellent. Thank you Doc

[@cathyator7545]

Trust issues for me have become unresolvable.

[@bethbluett4211]

Thanks SO much

[@temmietaft2552]

I just subscribed to your channel because I love your content!

[@billhildebrand5053]

2 Samuel 14:14. Yet God does not take away life, but plans ways so that the banished one will not be cast out from him. This is the message middle....

[@cindym2427]

Thank you for sharing the verse.

[@loriclark505]

Wow this helps me

[@a.d.b535]

How nice it would be to have a mate who could park disagreements and come back to the discussion, rather than delay in order to avoid and kick the can down the road.

[@eclectickatalyst2442]

Dr.Henry, It’s Romans 12:18 you were quoting …💃🏻😉😊✨

[@user-zz6ub4nc2l]

I met an understanding kind caring man . He has a 12 and 16 year old who are so disrespectful to him it causes a lot of problems. I do best when I turn my head to his parenting skills 😢

[@karenneiman856]

Could it be that he has boundary issues? Give Dr. Cloud's book a read and see if it resonates.

[@mariahaarsma9700]

Al Anon worked for me- I have EVERY right to a peaceful life.

[@clancykeegan748]

Thank you 🙏

[@GodnMe]

Jon Mark is my late brothers name who died serving in Desert Storm.

[@billhildebrand5053]

So sorry to hear.....may you find comfort...

[@BecauseYoureBlessed]

No he put me in a choke hold cause i said. No. Dragged me onto the floor and applied pressure into my throat. Pressed while applying pressure to my left leg. ( Main artery. ). As i had recorded what i thought would be my death ( Hid it under the bed. On my side. . Before it all happened. ( Holy Spirit reminded me remember the holds you learned to protect yourself child , ( worked in behavioral situations and they taught classes. I had someone 6 ft. And i learned how to drop them. But its different caught off guard , emotions scream but I love them. " Reality kicks in i started to gouge his eyes out as he yelled do it. " - i couldn't bring myself to hurt him and thats when i found myself onto the floor. This man iv been with for years found my phone ,it still recorded as he hid it in my bookcase and i asked repeatedly to call my number i was in shock and he smiled and tried to sit next to me. Put his arm around me. 😊people are cray cray. They make you wonder if your crazy trying to stay. ( Sadly i understand this very well and guess what gets attracted. ( Maybe cause they need loooovee. ) 🙄😬( I knew bounderies even talked to others about it. I was A speaker talking about grace and let the trials build you. I didnt know thats exactly what attractive charismatic man at church had in mind. - I understand outside crazy. But when i met them in the church. Holding his Bible , opening doors for the elderly. I was like what ! Another like me. But almost deadly wrong. Guard your heart people. And im so sorry for everyone that had to leave your loved ones to follow Christ Jesus. And im sorry for the ones we've met at church that are self decieved to where you want to believe they mean what they say but their actions could destroy you. Especially when you are attempting to change and call them out _- oorah my fellow believers be strong In the Lord and The power Of His might. Plz look up narcissistic personality it helps tremendously - but also realize You survived For Such A Time As This. ❤😂😊

[@jackiegregory4515]

yer so hard when ppl wont talk it out .my life was broken by two ppl this year just wont talk

[@susannajohnson6173]

Oh yes, Dr Cloud. I'm a Christian. But not the easiest. 'Tend to take my stand. I'm guessing down the track they will find a gene variant for narcissism, if they haven't yet. I became an estranged young adult from my late father, having watched him abuse my mother during my childhood until she divorced him in my teens. I am now estranged from a brother (mutual agreement) and now an adult daughter (I wouldn't toe her line - so she banished me). So sad.

[@OTolaBe]

P

[@Lifeoflight3377]

Dr Cloud how do you deal with husband or family who want to be in relationship with you but when I’ve tried to address things with them they won’t address them. I don’t like how they treat me. Certain things they do are not full on direct but like insinuations innuendos eye rolling like I said when I’ve confronted flat out issues they aren’t acknowledged so I don’t want to keep getting hurt and trying, they should talk to me in my opinion I’ve already tried. When I retreat they just act like all is normal or it’s my fault and I’m ‘ruining’ the relationship. I don’t know how to be around them or end it especially in my marriage! All I know is I’m not happy and I’m trying to unlearn all this toxic craziness for me and the rest of my family. Are there any additional markers steps I can do to help myself and be a good boundary example for my own family/children.

[@karenneiman856]

Have you read the book "Boundaries" that he co-authored?

[@oterosocram25]

What if there is too many unresolved issues, that keep accumulating? due to whatever factors.

[@rv7617]

Wow , leave unresolved conflicts for a better time , and just get on with just being kind and normal life

[@victoryamartin9773]

How do you get an abuser to leave? If I leave I have to walk away from my home and my animals, and they will get what they want: my house they are paying nothing for. I can't have the utilities shut off as long as there are squatters in the house, so leaving won't resolve their financial abuse. I can't afford to evict them, and the sheriff won't make them leave.I am afraid they are going to use up all my resources until I am homeless and destitute like they are, and that won't end well.

[@karenneiman856]

Have you talked to a lawyer?

[@victoryamartin9773]

Yes, probably should try again. When I did, I was trying to keep the squatters anonymous, and the lawyer wouldn't talk with me unless I gave up their names. I no longer feel an obligation to protect their anonymity, so I could try talking to him again. Thanks for the suggestion.

[@kolleenwalsh6566]

I need to get a hold of the 8 sessions on boundaries. Where can I buy it?

[@carrielaura5553]

Can I ask a question for the Doctor here?

[@jillbruce5050]

What do you do when your teenager wants to identify as the opposite sex and you don’t support living a lie?

[@MariaSantana-ul5wd]

This is the work of the enemy. Buy they a beautiful personalized Bible and read the Word with them with your own. Start with the book of John.

[@victoryamartin9773]

What a scary dilemma, because now if you don't support it, the state can take him/her away and you lose your parental rights. Of course God will always want you to support the biblical view, which is to stand in truth bathed in love, and this is becoming more and more risky as the world turns against Christian principles. Ultimately I would say that if your teen is taken away because you don't support his choice, it is because he/she has made the choice to sever the ties with you. Let go, don't burn the bridge, and stay on your side of the river.

[@jillbruce5050]

@@victoryamartin9773 Thank you Victory. He has decided not to push his identity around us and to remain with us. He knows that he is loved here and he knows that we truly believe what the word of God says about him. He doesn’t agree or believe it, but he knows that we are honoring God. When he moves out next year he can dress however he wants because he won’t be under our authority anymore. He’s good with that. I praise God that he is full of respect for us and that he realizes our love and devotion to him.

[@kimmymole5661]

Just a suggestion, but you might find it helpful to read one of Mark Yarhouse’s books; it’s possible it will help you navigate your situation and remain in relationship - something I’m sure you hope for.

[@tressi3]

sad not bad .... the best of two evil choices.... :(

[@ggpmf]

Please don't tout faith and use dirty language.however, I've learned so much from you , grateful.

[@ulysseshines7454]

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