Hard Truths About Pain Everyone Needs to Hear

Facing emotional pain and grief is incredibly hard.
I spent years running from my childhood grief, thinking time would magically fix everything. But avoiding pain only prolongs the suffering and stunts our growth.
It's understandable to want to avoid it, ignore it, run from it. The reality is, sometimes facing that pain, trauma, or grief turns out to be as bad as you think it will be.
The critical thing here is that you do force yourself to face it, feel it, and work through it. It's going to sting and hurt. Sometimes you have to let it hurt to heal.
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Disclaimer: This content is not intended to be a replacement for receiving treatment. It is purely educational in nature. My relationship with you is that of presenter and audience, not therapist and client.
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[@Rdasilva-reggiebluejay]

I have to commend you on being one of the rare therapists who does not duck from facing the complexity of emotional suffering. Having pain minimized and hearing therapists who say the pain won't be as bad as the *anticipation* of the pain, or suggesting that the pain is only disordered thinking, can be so invalidating and insulting. Because, in truth, sometimes the pain is far WORSE than we anticipated. We are in crisis and doctors are telling us we will be ok if we just believe that we are. They seem to be encouraging delusion as a solution. Being told that fear of the pain is the problem, and the not the pain itself, is gaslighting. So it is such a relief to have someone who doesn't deny the reality of emotional pain and focuses instead on tools to cope and survive. Thank you for not dismissing our pain and for understanding the complexity of emotional suffering. Pain doesn't always heal, and even when it teaches, it is NOT a damn gift. It's soul-destroying.

[@mYcRiSpDiScK]

I think the destructive, senseless pain that comes from maladaptive coping strategies can exacerbate our current symptoms, but we do them because we're in pain. It takes a lot of courage to commit to healthy coping strategies as a lifestyle.

[@curtiste3235]

Really good point. Thank you.

[@JJNow-gg9so]

RN here and I agree.

[@kristin.shepherd]

This is so true and thank you for spelling this out in detail.

[@ArtSio443]

well said, THANK YOU 👍

[@NEbluefire]

You're not a pessimist, you're a realist. I, for one, appreciate it.

[@DarienJDees]

Yeah, I'm still struggling with avoidance myself. The comfort zone feels SO good in the short term, man. But speaking as someone who has now spent a decade in avoidance and low-grade dissociation, staying in the comfort zone is like deferring payments on a loan. The interest can hit you like a freight train. The longer you hide out and escape into fantasy, the harder reality is going to hit you on the back end.

[@jewlzn7130]

100% The regret of missed opportunities is really depressing

[@moniqueengleman873]

I miss my parents every single day. They both passed in 2015. I am not remotely over it.

[@Red5x5x5]

Time doesn't necessarily heal emotional wounds, but over time you grow as a person and the wound becomes a smaller, less significant, part of you. But man it can feel like a glacial process.

[@rosemaryclarke2348]

You are amazingly brave!❤🎉🎉

[@System.error84]

Becomes a part. I can see that.

[@petermuller6923]

That absolutely does not happen automatically. If you push away your emotions (abuse of substances, workaholism etc.), you will not grow as a person. Congrats, if you do. I do too :) I see many people around me, who are ending their thirties and their lives are falling apart, because they never cared about their trauma and their emotions, only smoking 3 grams of weed every evening and playing stupid games on the phone.

[@pam164]

When bad things happen, like losing a loved one, it's very raw for a long time, but as time goes on, you learn to live with it, but you never forget and still miss them.

[@venderla5316]

hi from japan. i’m a female doctor and 42 too. you encourage me.

[@juliawilkinson]

My harsh truth was living through the six years of su*cide attempts of my son and realizing I could not stop it as hard as I tried. Life is just incredibly hard sometimes but I still see beauty. But you’re right; the lesson won’t take the pain away. Time does help often tho, it may take a long time.

[@johnkaiser6710]

Something I heard recently that hit me hard "you have to feel it to heal it" no way around over, under, or to suppress it. Feeling it is the only road to healing it.

[@sarahfairchild399]

Really needed to hear this today. Thank you. Wish being human wasn't so heavy...

[@GooniesGirl]

Yes, I feel the weight of my existence...

[@colbykinney5633]

Ilost my whole family dad,mom,little brother allby the time I was 21. Im 46 now and i wasted my entire life.. Get help and deal with your problems don't be like me. Its miserable 😔

[@lonely_moments6283]

I hope you also get the help you need. As long as you continue to keep breathing, there are chances to start healing and develop a healthier connection with oneself. One step at a time.

[@kelb1880]

@colbykinney5633 You got this. At 43, all of my family dropped me. My husband, my adult kids, even my parents stopped talking to me. No one could, or would TRY to, comprehend my anxiety and depression. This year I lost both of my dogs within 3 weeks. Yes. A country song right there. I'm living my 50th year like I'm in my 20s. Throwing caution to the wind and making happiness happen for myself. You ain't done yet. Chin up and keep on! Live life for you. Volunteer work is always recommended for those of us struggling. It's to show us that there are people who are less fortunate. You spoke out. You got it in you to keep going. 👍

[@TLA123y6f]

You've suffered a lot of tragedies in a short amount of time. I understand feeling miserable. Sometimes it's just ...........too much. You have a whole lot of life left.

[@SamJone2024]

@@kelb1880I’m the same age and still got one dog. What did you do? Did you move faraway from Everyone? I’m never been married but have two siblings but I’m the odd one, too sensitive/emotional for them but I’m the one who they can rely on if something happen if they need something but when I was the one needing help no one would bother with me. I had to cut contact for about a month now but I live 15mins away and I might end up bumping into them at some point. I want to goooo so far so I don’t need to feel neglected and excluded.

[@curtiste3235]

Never, never, never, ever give up. Things may change slowly at first, but it can mean tremendous progress over a decade. Small steps over time are like compound interest. It's not WHERE you start, it's that you keep moving. The positive curve upward will accelerate as you advance toward your goal, whatever it is. I'm glad you are here in this forum and hope you will find healing and more support as you stick with it. We are not alone here. Sending a prayer/wishes for peace in your soul, a willing & open heart, and a patient & probing mind. God Bless.

[@lori5946]

I did 6 months of EMDR which helped. I have complex trauma. It helped but still have pain. My relationships are painful because they are dysfunctional. EMDR did help change my negative belief system.

[@Crazy_Cat_Lady_13]

One of the main things that makes the content you share so great is your willingness to be so open and genuine about your own struggles - that is definitely not something you need to apologise for, it makes you more real and more relatable. Thank you 🙏

[@jadeybabes33]

I appreciate what you call your 'pessimism' in your videos because it's more genuine and facing reality to me - more so than other 'be positive bla bla bla' therapists. You validate the things we all feel and it helps us face it. Thank you for sharing your painful memories with us today, you go the extra mile and we really appreciate it.

[@hannahmuller6694]

Wounds could heal, but sometimes scars remain and scars can hurt. Not so much like the original wound, but bad enough.

[@LadyCat183]

And then something happens and the scab gets ripped off

[@Monetize_This]

This was so great to hear. Have been processing stuff that went way back to a childhood full of trauma and uncertainty in a dysfunctional family where individual expression was frowned upon and belittled even though my father was allowed to harangue and belittle in random outbursts. It was horrible but it lead to a life of hiding the sneaking feeling that there was something tragically wrong with me. So many missed opportunities and bad relationships. There was always the feeling that giving in to these feelings would overwhelm me as if a Black hole would open up and swallow me. I’m now retired and my children all grown and I’ve had what I can only describe as a breakdown where all I seem to be able to do is process this pain. At first it was horrifying like I was losing my mind but it has gotten better . Therapy didn’t cut it because I was literally so broke and used to putting on a front of ironic detachment that I couldn’t connect with those hidden feelings in the presence of another human being. It hasn’t been pretty but it’s allowed me to tap into the deep sadness at the heart of my family of origin. I guess what I’m saying is that yes, you do need to let it pass through you and no, you can’t control it or make it better but it will Allow you to heal as a person and become whole and that is it’s own reward.

[@lanaspencer9893]

Thanks for that ❤

[@theroadlesstraveled21]

This was not pessimistic. It was validating! Too many professionals blow smoke up your ass because they know they have nothing to offer in the way of pain relief for patients doing this kind of work. It’s their discomfort with being the bearer of the truth (i.e., pain hurts and you can’t avoid it, etc.) that causes them to gaslight, obfuscate, or generally be dismissive. I think it shows courage on your part to take on the tough subjects that others work hard to avoid. We need to hear the truth. Whatever is in the way is the way. Thanks for reminding me that it won’t be like this forever.

[@heyphilphil]

Feeling it...letting it surface....outing that pain is resolving it. Pain then tears is weakness leaving the body.

[@saltiestsiren]

I think we all have petri dishes of pain and we all have certain things in our petri dishes that can't be killed by anything. Antibiotics, heat, new microbes sent to battle the painful ones (i.e., addictions of any kind). Grief, shame, guilt, regret. Betrayals, disappointments, traumas, and so on. We keep a lid on them most of the time. We don't want those microbes and fungi to escape and get all over the place, multiply and multiply until they're everywhere. The truth is that some microbes just have to be contained and, at some points, faced and dealt with. Often just opening those petri dishes or leaving the lid off for a bit when something unexpected knocks it off allows the air to kind of kill off the excess microbes and then once you put the lid on later it will feel a little better. Just don't leave ALL of the lids off at once or you'll be overcome. And if you're already overcome it's not hopeless. It's just a matter of finding the things that help contain your own unique combination of microbes (pains). This ✨️might not make sense✨️ but I'm trying to post comments and such even when I don't feel certain about them to help fight my perfectionism.

[@curtiste3235]

I enjoyed reading your comment. I like that you are reaching out and testing the water. You have good things to share, and I hope you keep sharing them. Good for you! 😀

[@mercifulmermaidtarot2630]

I don’t think you are 6:05 all doom and gloom. I think you are just real about very difficult, uncomfortable mental health topics. I think it helps a lot of people see that they are not alone ❤❤❤

[@TLA123y6f]

@@funkymunky ???

[@michele0324]

It's taken me years to learn to appreciate life's ordinary moments. It was time well spent because I never know when I'm going to do something, go somewhere or see someone for the last time.

[@katharina5159]

I noted your comment in my important 'thoughts not to forget daily'❤😊

[@misanthrophex]

As depressing as Buddhism may seem, they actually know how to be happy. Be in the present moment. Thinking very often becomes a parasitic activity. Of course many people would benefit from some of it, but there are people who are chronic thinkers, me included...

[@lamenzies]

Diagnosed with avoidant PD in 2009. 50 years old, and the bag of regret I carry with me is overwhelmingly heavy. I grieve every day for my wasted life. I have an amazing therapist, but I sometimes wonder whether all the work and pain are worth it.

[@ilenekuhns3463]

Keep going. ❤

[@maddycates736]

I’m diagnosed with BPD with ASPD/AVPD tendencies… I hear you. Thank you for sharing and I hope we find our way through healing or at least acceptance. I wonder if it’s worth it too, but we have to keep trying regardless.

[@lanaspencer9893]

Avoidant personality disorder has made my life such a trial. Never feeling good enough and so many missed opportunities through fear. It's no way to live. I'm nearly 80. How I envy people who had a normal childhood. It's the springboard to a successful life..

[@maddycates736]

I just want to thank you for being my lifeline right now… I don’t feel capable of talking about anything that I’m feeling or thinking with anyone or making meaningful changes or connections in my life and it’s taking everything in me not to stay in the dark. It’s really hard. Your videos are the right amount of realistic and compassionate. Thank you for sharing your experiences with those of us who are still crawling through the desert.

[@TLA123y6f]

Dr Eilers - you are a godsend. You are real. You are authentic. You are NOT pessimistic - you are honest. We can RELATE to you. We can trust you. I wish to God I would have discovered you years ago. I spent a lifetime trying to walk through repeat traumas - trying to survive. I don't have the $ or insurance to go to an actual therapist but from what I've read/heard not all of them are good. I will be ordering your book today. I'm just trying to keep putting one foot of the other right now. Hoping there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[@funkymunky]

There isn't. Live for the tunnel instead.

[@curtiste3235]

@user... (above) You expressed my feelings exactly. Well said. This forum is such a Godsend. Sending a prayer to you today. Thanks for sharing.

[@janeyrevanescence12]

My pain is never going to go away. My fiancé and grandma (the only two people I never doubted loved me) are dead. My family is fractured. I’m thousands of miles away from home with no way to return right now. I’ve been abused, neglected, harassed and bullied by the people that were supposed to be “safe” for me. I have no reason to live anymore. I’m honestly just waiting for the clock to run out. I want therapy and medication but I can’t afford it and I don’t qualify for government assistance because I supposedly make too much money.

[@msmanager2775]

Please find meaning in all these pain. Try harder. I feel for you ❤

[@janeyrevanescence12]

@@msmanager2775 There is no meaning and I've spent 13 years trying. I don't have any strength left to continue.

[@DaPoofDaPoofDaPoofDa]

you’re not done. and if you want us we got you.

[@Serenity7250]

Don't own that reality. That first sentence you chose to write. It can be an actual sentence. Your thoughts create reality so you must change your thoughts first, then the rest of the world will follow. You have YOURSELF. You are the only person here who can comfort and love yourself. You are enough, you just need to believe it. Have faith, ask for help.

[@teresamccormack4673]

I feel you. It does not seem to me that there is a pain that I’m trying to avoid. I am completely willing to tackle anything head on, but it just doesn’t seem to matter what I do. Nothing helps.

[@ArchmageAU]

You are so right with time DOES NOT heal all wounds. Sometimes, to treat the wound it needs to be re-opened, disinfected and then properly cared for to allow healing. It's painful, but with support and careful (and sometime professional) handling, healing can be accomplished.

[@emmaleadbetter869]

How can I heal the root of this :- childhood social anxiety that was never diagnosed and treated resulting in avoidance.

[@lonely_moments6283]

A channel I recommend that could help you with social anxiety is julianhimself. This person has many videos on many aspects that can improve social anxiety, as he once had severe social anxiety and was able to work to the point of being able to do presentations to help others on this topic.

[@thomaspostel9851]

Same here...

[@phylliskiefer1140]

I have been avoiding everything to the point I'm wrapped in a binding so inescapable because ive let things and fears and everything pile up. Psyc drugs have harmed and are harming me. I don't really understand your story or lessons because I'm nothing like you but i feel a kernel of truth.

[@lonely_moments6283]

A step you could take for this is to slowly explore these areas of yourself that causes us harm with no judgment/evaluation. We cannot continue to ignore these issues, as our body and mind will let us know that it can’t hold on to this buildup energy anymore, which eventually bursts into situations that we don’t want it to happen in. Slowly starting to deal with these unresolved wounds allows us to reduce the baggage so it doesn’t overflow and explode.

[@thedognoseknows4451]

Same

[@markgallagher4720]

Thank you dude. I needed to hear something like that. I just started in therapy, just quit drugs.. We'll see how that goes.

[@wordzmyth]

Hope you reach for and find support on your journey, it is a brave one and the most important of your life probably. Also this may not be true at all but many addicts have untreated conditions particularly ADHD creates discomfort and pressure that drink drugs or overeating temporarily relieve. But diagnosis and treatment help so much more

[@thomasmaddox5638]

so true! I am 73 and have had an enormously complex, challenging life. Dr Scott is perfectly correct! Believe me. Tom.

[@Uarehere]

If I've learned anything in life, it's that pushing away or avoiding something unpleasant only makes the suffering more intense. Through meditation, I've learned the best way to deal with pain is to accept it lovingly. And in my experience, that helps it lessen or go away, at least for the time being.

[@yodanut]

It's such a shame you don't take patients via Teleconference (I live in NC). I've been to many therapists over the years and you are the first one that not only is compassionate to the battles of depression but even your past experiences are similar. 54 years old here and I don't know how to get out of this web and hamster wheel of avoiding the loneliness and chaos I felt as a child. I don't think about consciously and wallow in it, but it manifests in so many unhealthy ways (even when I'm surrounded by my loving wife and children). It is comforting to know that you exist and that there is a path out.

[@susanmercurio1060]

Dr Scott, I feel that I have had more than my share of pain in my life. I can only handle so much.

[@elsagrace3893]

Emotional pain stimulates collagen. When all else fails keep in mind that it will keep you looking younger than the numb Neanderthals who don’t notice and can’t feel.

[@kaywren73]

I feel this, I really do. They say "you have to feel your feelings, feel your pain, to get through it." But what do you do when all you feel is grief, sadness, pain? And it's unrelenting? I would genuinely love to hear his thoughts on this, and how to cope.

[@michaelfranklin1109]

⁠​⁠@@kaywren73I feel this too…especially having chronic physical pain on top of the emotional pain. I think what I’m beginning to notice though is that if you are patient and observant you notice that it’s not “all” grief sadness and pain….there are some moments that aren’t quite as bad. At least for me , by recognizing this, and trying to have some gratitude for these less intense moments, I’ve noticed a slight shift where the negative feelings don’t feel so relentless.

[@noemiamorphous]

You are a realist, and it’s good to hear after a lot of toxic positivity or linear healing advice which when you have all the big T traumas plus the smaller ones is just patronising nonsense! I’m in the UK can’t work due to physical & mental disabilities, don’t have the numbers (moneys!) for a therapist who can deal with the level of complex mental health issues I have, plus I was diagnosed as ADHD & autistic when I was 48, which helped explain a lot & I made sense finally… but it doesn’t change anything. Another video I watched a while back and what really resonated with me & was an ‘Ah!’ moment was the concept of learning to co-exist with trauma, I guess similar to Jungian shadow work. To make friends with my shadow selves, acknowledge them, honour the pain they’ve held for me. My memory is not chronologicaly linear & I have lumps of time I can’t remember at all, feels like pushing against static when I try to- they’re not ready yet. And they may never be. And somehow I have to be ok with that. So anyone who got to the end of this comment/essay - be as kind to yourself as you are able & much love to you 💚

[@alicearcturus8610]

I'm up in age. I have been abused since birth so had to deal with severe depression. The only way I can get through deaths and other things that radically change my life is I think of it like reincarnation. I have to start a new life. Because of a spiritual experience as a child I know we go on but every life is a new life. The past is gone. It is not easy or fun. It just keeps me going toward my goals. The biggest one is being at peace.

[@DaPoofDaPoofDaPoofDa]

peace as a goal 🙏‼️ that’s yours

[@catalhuyuk7]

I love that- up in age. I did a past life regression session with a very progressive psychiatrist. It changed my life. I learned to understand past trauma and pain. I believe that’s real and if it’s not, it still worked. I have put my order in for my next life.😂A work in progress.♥️ You’re not getting older, you’re getting better!

[@wordzmyth]

I really feel for your unsafe childhood and the price you've paid. I can admire you finding a way forward

[@andrewwilliams9599]

"Time wounds all heels."--Jane Ace

[@gspradoneto]

I had and am having extreme problems in my adult life because of untreated trauma. Two divorces, bankrupt, It got me near suicidal, but I stayed around for my daughter same my mother. I'm getting to a near unsolvable situation by now. Psychotherapy and support from family and friends are holding up, but I can't see a way out. Anyways, one more day. One at a time.

[@lizzforyou]

I'm glad you can think of your daughter when you feel suicidal. As long as you can do that, you'll get through. I hope things will get better for you

[@colbykinney5633]

I'm having a really hard time also buddy. I hope you get the help you need.

[@Rob_132]

Journal, sleep, walk in nature, create, explore your inner world, serve the people who you love ESPECIALLY those who serve you well, too. Accept that life will end and we just live each day as it comes. Some days are just sleep/rest days. Know that I’m reading these words and need them as much as you might. We’re all in it.

[@deanntucker3238]

Try EMDR. I was desperate and it helped me. It doesn’t take the memories away, but it separates the memories from the emotions. Unfortunately it only works for things you can remember. Suppressed memories can still be triggered. Good luck and keep fighting.

[@curtiste3235]

Hang in there, friend. We're rooting for you! Sometimes, it takes a giant amount of strength to just keep breathing. You are my hero today for doing just that and for all you've been through. Our hearts, thoughts, and/or prayers are with you. This is a good place to do some healing. I'm glad you shared where you're really at. Honesty is good... And so are you. You are worth the effort. God bless.

[@ilovekeyboards2832]

THANK YOU SO MUCH! I can't believe! I can't face my old house, where I used to live with my mom, It hurts me so bad to remember the past and the house started falling apart, cos I don't want to go there to take care of the house, but at the same time, I don't want to sell it, cos the best moments of my life I spent there. Now everytime I have to go there to send someone to cut the grass when it is really really high, I cry a lot, I get really sad. And next week, I'll have to go there again. So your video came in the right time. Thank you so much! Thank you!

[@gabbygagner9256]

Thank you, thank you. I too am starting to face the pain of guilt and shame. It's a tough road but there's always rest stops.

[@lisakrushinski9436]

Thank you, Dr. Scott, for your transparency and honesty about this subject. I’m 63 yo and from what I’ve experienced so far in life affirms the truth of what you shared in this video. Facing the pain with a safe and trusted individual brings a measure of relief and healing. For me, it’s harder to avoid the painful thoughts and memories than to share them and cry in a safe place. Thank you for sharing your story and the valuable lessons you learned. God bless you!

[@devoncrumay5040]

Thank you! At 57 I have accepted that life has painful experiences that build our strength if we are willing to learn from it ❤

[@billbmsn]

Some events will always remain horribly painful to recall. For me, the death of my little brother is one of those. I was there in his last days including the last minutes of his life, his hand in mine, my face down upon his hand bathing it in my tears as he passed away with just me and my dad in the room. That is burned into my soul. Who can ever put that in some less painful perspective? I long ago accepted that it will always be exceedingly painful. I could never talk about it. It was too overwhelming to do so, although I am writing a Cliff Notes synopsis here. It's been 40 years of grief, 40 years without that sweet young man. My life has gone forward well enough as if I was not seriously affected. It probably altered how I relate to others in ways I am not aware of, maybe in some positive ways. Thank you for your work helping others with their struggles in such a personal way.

[@Maria-lp3ry]

Thank you! This was so helpful! Thank you for confronting all of these things that I believed that was not actually true!

[@JaymeeKay]

I had no idea others anticipate grief before it happens, too. Much love. I live in Cedar Rapids, and how ironic I happened upon you. ❤❤❤

[@Weeds_and_Wishes]

This is a brilliant video. I have avoided my grief over the past 10 years. I figured I'd deal and heal when I felt stronger and more capable of handling it. Time heals all wounds? Sure doesn't work that way. All of that pain keeps compounding. I didn't gain strength. I gained poor coping skills. So now I need to try and address it. Sure hoping I can find a good therapist to help me along. Thanks for your videos.

[@daniellejones6339]

Thank you for this humble, honest, helpful video. ❤

[@KindSJT]

This is very honest...thank you. ❤

[@Sunshinysky432]

Yes yes and yes!!! Thank-you for this video. Even though I know all you spoke of I still need to be reminded at age 64. Thank-you for your honesty, young man.

[@lcarole3131]

How wonderful a presentation this indeed was. Thanx immensely.

[@NexViolentus]

I tend to think NOPE rumination is bad gotta distract myself. Avoiding emotions isnt helpful and makes it worse. I felt like avoiding grief to not be "weak" but eventually I cant avoid it. It becomes a time bomb

[@jules_rules_0108]

So very grateful to have found you. I get you …. so that means you get me! We don’t make sense except in our own mind.

[@alimccreery755]

I needed to listen to you today, I’m still grieving over the loss of my cats and dogs and miss my little Fumi pup ❤😊love you forever my sweetness 🥰🤗

[@richagupta7862]

I have no words to express how calming and validating your videos feel. You feel like an elder brother to me. In the last 12 months, I have learnt so much from you.. made notes.. flipped them again and again so that I recollect it when I am slipping into an episode. The last 12 months have been the toughest so far. Even today I felt very heavy. I was waiting for your video. It feels lighter right now. You are right, pain which roots in complex ptsd won't just vanish with time into thin air. I guess you are right, it fluctuates, maybe I will soon experience it declining. I wish you all the love, joy and peace. Keep spreading your positive vibes!

[@TLA123y6f]

PTSD. I thought it would get better with time and being out of the situation. That stuff doesn't just "go away". Wish it did.

[@lauracanepa9927]

Que bueno haberte encontrado. Describís como nadie la personalidad melancólica, que no es exactamente lo mismo que depresión melancólica (endógena), ya que siempre la personalidad se vislumbra disparada por eventos, que son traumáticos para uno y a otro quizás le parecen algo normal (digo, para ellos no es para tanto si no estuviste en una guerra o no fuiste abusado). Nadie comprendía cuando yo decía "No puedo ir a determinado lugar, porque esa calle me va a doler. Ese bar, esa esquina, ese olor...". Yo sentía que a todos les dolían algunos recuerdos, pero que en mí era algo devastador. A veces sabía por qué dolía, a veces me parecía que simplemente todo lo pasado me daba nostalgia y melancolía. He visto otro video tuyo que me ha dado cierta paz (no quiero llamarle resignación). En él comprendí que no voy a curar mi personalidad ni determinado "trastorno". La depresión. Sino que lo que hacemos es aprender herramientas para sobrellevarla. Como aprendemos a convivir con nuestro color de ojos, nuestra etnia, nuestra piel. Nunca lo había pensado como que "no puedo desvelarme como otros", "no puedo desatender mi alimentación o mi sueño como otros sin que me pase factura después". Pensaba que si muero sin haber "salido" de mi pesar, significaría que fracasé. Y ahora sé que no. Que siempre seré de determinada forma, siempre. Que un fracaso sería no aceptarlo y no aprender mis herramientas para convivir con ella sin que me desgarre la vida. No sé si vamos a abrazar la depresión, pero si permitirle decirnos "soy parte tuya y a veces vendré a visitarte. Preparame un té y unas galletas y me voy un rato. No me hagas una gran cena, pero tampoco creas que moriré porque no me alimentes"

[@UniMagik]

Hey Dr Scott, any chance you can do a series on emotional burnout? It honestly feels we're constantly living through unprecedented times, and the future just gets bleaker with each passing day. Hope is difficult if not impossible right now

[@Angelica-sq9lh]

I would love to see a video about it too. Sometimes, I feel like from now on, everything gets worse. Even more if you're from a 3rd world country (like me). It's being hard to cope with the ways society is going

[@PatriotResearchGal]

Since 2020, I would argue we all have some measure of PTSD. Due the amount of change and its continuous nature, I would argue the populace borders on or already has complex PTSD (CPTSD). If one were to mention another “pandemic” or “lockdown” or “riots”, etc, watch how people react. Looking into treatments for PTSD helped.

[@StrayFoxzen]

This video didn't come off pessimistic or like a downer to me at all. The way I experienced it was quite optimistic with the overall message, honestly. It helped me reframe my own situation as far as expectations/wants and, even though some of things you spoke about felt scary and difficult to process at first, trusting and knowing that the devastation I feel right now because of my situation won't always be....well, devastating. Even though it'll most likely still sting like hell looking back on things, the day will come when it won't rule my life anymore, and I won't be crippled by it and -that- is the most optimistic takeaway

[@clairjunior5291]

Your channel and videos are fantastic. I find you very original and authentic. You may not know it, but you’re helping so many people. Thank you!

[@JDubeta]

Thank you for your candidness and vulnerability. It's truly those who've walked the path and walked their talk that can show others the way.

[@psynurse]

Every video you put out is so good. Thank you!

[@cpkay33]

similar situation with a family home in greece. going back after years was absolutely devastating especially being such a small village and recalling walking the same roads and having great moments. walking them alone really hurt and really every year after was more chill.

[@isabellegelinas3306]

Sometimes, you can't just just go around it. Sometimes, the only way out, is through.

[@jbc382]

There is no "through" or other side when your spouse dies. You learn to walk with your terrible feelings and your spouse is still gone.

[@lightwinsoverdarkness]

Favorite Gandalf quote from Lord of the Rings as Frodo prepares to depart the Grey Havens: " I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil." Thanks Dr. Scott for sharing your experience and wisdom! We can long for a better place where sorrows cease and there is no darkness or loss. Such things shall come to pass in the light of His Presence.

[@kelb1880]

You are my therapist. I've been to so many counselors that just "didn't fit." I'm an only child. I think I'm just used to doing things on my own. Life ebbs and flows. I'm a Bible-Believer and Do-er. I'm not going to selfishly take myself out of this world because whatever I'm going through right now, God IS going to use for His good. I'm just hanging on, taking deep breaths, letting tears fall, AND journaling to let it out. Self-therapy with you as my guide. THANK YOU!

[@charlottebronte4233]

Hey there, kelb1880, I hope your self-therapy helps you get better and better. I’m a Bible-believer too, and I just wanted you to know that your post encouraged me at the end of a pretty rough day. Take care.

[@brianbrenton1025]

Pain is unavoidable. Confronting it, and moving through it is what matters.

[@charlottebronte4233]

Oh wow, I also lost a cabin that was the site of annual family vacations. I was 14 and losing that place itself was very hard. But there was a bigger issue. My parents were stiff-upper-lip types who didn’t show much affection to us kids-except when on those annual trips to the cabin. Once the cabin was gone, they made no effort to have other trips or camping events as a family instead. And so I wondered if the affection we’d had on those trips had been real, or if it was just done to keep up appearances in front of the other relatives who were there? It is something I’m still trying to get over, 30-some years later. I’ve always thought my emotions around this experience were silly or out of proportion. Thank you, Dr. Scott, for pointing out that the pain from this type of experience can be real and needs to be worked through.

[@joanfolds476]

It is so important to let myself feel. I wasn't allowed to do so as I developed. Therefore, it's so hard. However, I appreciate your honesty about pain. Pain cannot be avoided no matter who you are. I have tried to escape my pain most of my adult life and it hasn't benefited me. Now, I'm exercising more self-care. It's best to just sit with the negative emotions until they pass and deal with the disappointment and grief as they come. I believe life is more difficult if you are neurodivergent and grew up not knowing you are. When you're highly sensitive, everything impacts you from within. We are who we are on the inside. Our bodies are only a cover.

[@brightphoebesays]

I can totally understand that greif. That's how I felt when my parents sold our home when I was 13. I felt that the only way I could fix this pain was to redo it myself when I was older and had the power adults have, myself. I vowed I would buy back our house and put everything back that my parents threw out and destroyed. I would marry a man who I would never need to divorce, have a child and dog and the happiness and security would return. But if I did buy back my childhood home, I could expect it would feel the same as you did, when you returned. Life doesn't go backward, it goes forward. I've cried lots of times over not having been able to win my father's esteem and respect, but the pain hasn't gone away. I still can't go confidently forth in the world and feel safe. But I do have two people to tell things to about how I'm feeling, and I told some of my history of poverty and hardship to one today. I feel supported and heard for having done that, with a bit of apprehension for having said too much. But we all struggle at times and life isn't fair. One thing we all share is our humanity.

[@cindyjohnson7883]

Exactly. The only way out is in & through. Feel it. Face it. Know You! ☯️ Thank you for sharing.

[@melissakeller2644]

Thank you for sharing your experience and helping others find inspiration in dealing with our own pain. For over 30 years I studied down my shame, superficially mentioning it to others, until finally in my 50’s I was brought to my knees with sorrow and an overwhelming depression. It has at least 7 years to be able to function again without sobbing. I agree with your assessment that it doesn’t get healed until we work through the trauma. ❤. You are a blessing and reality is not pessimism.

[@peace44225]

Thank you Dr Scott. This resonated with me immensely. You have helped me more than any other mental health professional I've been to ❤

[@delfic1108]

I freaking love you too. Thanks for your honest and heartfelt words. Much needed encouragement.

[@Nicole-pg5lk]

Thank you so much, I really relate to what you are saying. Having lived with mental health disorsers/issues for over 40 years, you tell me things that I can feel and understand. Take care, love from the Netherlands, Nicole.

[@dff9477]

I'm glad I came across your channel and videos. I always thought there was something wrong with the whole therapeutic process and I couldn't exactly understand what it was at least emotionally. The advice I got seemed to be right, but it never seemed to resonate with me. I almost gave up on therapy until you and HealthyGamerGG came along. I'm not fully healed, but I feel a lot better than I did 4 years ago. So, thank you.

[@HettiedeKorteDiplomaat]

Funny how you mentioned you were 13 years old when everything changed. I had the same experience. Not only I changed, I guess it had something to do with hormones. But my mother wasn't emotionally available any more. My little brother was born. My mother changed from a sweet person into a impatient and sometimes cruel mother to me. When I think of my youth it feels like a lost paradise. I never felt grief. Only anger towards my mother. I always found comfort in music. I love to sing along with my favorite artists. A couple of months ago my oldest sister found a letter my mother wrote to my father. He was somewhere abroad for his work. I think I was 5 years old. She wrote about me: 'She was singing a song. I couldn't really understand the words. But she sang it so beautifully. ' The way she wrote about me was so loving. But after I turned 13 I became a burden to her. I lost my mother. When I was grown-up I used to visut my parents. Trying to find that lost paradise. A friend of mine said: 'Every time you visit your parents, you come back very depressed.' I didn't even realize it. Both my parents are dead now. I don't look back at them with love. Isn't that terrible? I can't love them anymore. I feel betrayed by them. I wish I didn't cause it's so painful. I'm still angry after all those years.

[@kdjourney51]

Complex. And healing to hear the truths. Thanks for the steps. I do recreate parenting schemas for my own healing. On a fam vacation now- thank you for describing a nuance.

[@deathandcats]

I once read a story that said: grief is a faithful thing; to believe you've lived past it is as foolish as thinking, every spring, that you've outlived winter and it won't come back again. I was... 14? 15? when i realised, in a very visceral way, that one day my parents would be dead and I would be alone in the world. My ongoing grief with that yet-to-be future event is still strong, and the only way i know how to deal with it is to make sure i tell them love them as often as i can, tell them all of the important things i need to, and ask them the questions i need to know the answers to while they are around. I don't want to be standing there asking a gravestone 'did i do okay?' and wondering if they would've been disappointed or proud of me, wondering if they knew how much i love and appreciate them.

[@sanji0268]

Love your Videos man, keep up the great work.

[@melidacartagena8355]

Thank you Dr. and I’m sorry it still hurts 🙏🌷

[@deborahbull5968]

Thank you for sharing this with us I'm so sorry you went though this pain ❤it is hard I beat myself up all the time why I did the things I did what if I had done it differently but we do what we do at the time because it helps at the time but it is not always the right thing 😢glad you enjoyed your holiday

[@msmanager2775]

This resonates with me too. We do what we do at that time that we needed it and we may never know if that was the right thing to do. That’s the most painful part of the pain. Is knowing if that was the right thing to do. But we live and keep finding different meaning of the thing that happens and its significance moving towards the future.

[@mehlover]

One saying I remind myself is, "Healing isn't linear." Which sucks because that's the reality, and usually you see healing as linear progress because that's what you see in media and stories. But that's what a story needs in order to resolve the conflict or end the story. It sucks that pain is a part of life, and sometimes, our lives and circumstances don't allow time or resources to take care of ourselves. But a good thing about that saying is it takes a lot of burden off your shoulders when you're frustrated that you haven't been progressing or healing linearly. Now, if only our society and culture could work towards giving people time and resources to heal, that'd be great. But again, but hard lesson to learn. Also, I want to point out that you have bots spamming your comment sections on some posts with scams. It doesn't help they have the same profile Pic and name, too. So, just a heads up for everybody

[@emmaleadbetter869]

@@mehlover Buddha "Life is suffering" in a weird way this gives me comfort, not expect it to be all roses all the time it's all ok take time to smell the roses 🌹

[@justagirljean1111]

Great episode! I appreciate your directness and honesty. I’ve always felt/heard I just needed to find the meaning in my pain and then it would miraculously go away. What a trap! There is no more meaning I can unearth. The pain comes and goes and it will probably be forever. It’s super tough to accept and I fight it instead of feeling it when it rears its head again. Thank you! 🙏🏼

[@OttawaAndy]

I needed this today. Thank you.

[@deborahbasel184]

" it protects your future"

[@msmanager2775]

This simple analysis may just be the meaning I needed why something happened to me that is the most painful I have ever had and I had a lot of pains from abandonment. I have been trying to find meaning why? I can see now is to protect me from being taken advantaged by another evil that came right after that episode. It had to happen so that I can keep my heart’s eyes open to another betrayal of a malignant manipulator. Because of that pain that happened before that my ability to discern heightened and I saw the person as they are and not what I thought they were. Opened my eyes to everything and protected me. As I was easily fooled before due to childhood trauma. Thank you . Dr Ellis. Our pains truly protects us.

[@tamaradrobbins]

Thank you once again! So relatable.

[@kingskid8121]

I so appreciate your transparency and honesty. Your videos are so relatable with helpful information and are appreciated! Thank you!!

[@karlarose536]

Your video helped me understand my mom a little better. My dad was her second marriage (his first) and they were very well matched and loved one another, but were both raised in very stoic northern European (German and Norwegian) families where showing emotion was just not a thing that people did much. My dad had a cabin on a lake, which we went to a lot when I was a kid and I have many, many happy memories there. My father passed away when I was young and his property went to my mom. She took care of the cabin but could never go there and really enjoy it. She would never go there alone if she could avoid it. I think the memories were too painful. But for me it was the opposite. I always, even (maybe especially) after my father passed, felt happy at the cabin. I felt my father's presence there and I loved the place. Now it is mine and I still feel that. I loved my father very much and I still miss him, but the cabin makes me feel as though some part of him is still with me. Yet it was very different for Mom. I don't know if she ever processed her grief for him---for me it took me a long time, but having the cabin as haven helped.

[@lillianbarker4292]

You don’t “get over” you “get used”. This is what it is to be human, to live your life. It is where compassion for others comes from if you pay attention. Feeling the pain also opens the door to feeling the joy as well. Blocking bad feelings, blocks good feelings

[@ClareLynn51]

Thank you Dr😢 Thank you

[@samwarner2668]

Was in tears by the time you finished saying your family spent time in the summers at a cabin in northern Minnesota. My family spent whole summers up there because it was land the extended family owned, and owns. I’m about to be 49. I haven’t been up since I was 40 and by then my parents had retired up there and it is SO different. This makes me think I should find a friend who would go up and stay in the same old cabin with me. Just for a start. Because I honestly cried through the whole video. There is so much there

[@DrScottEilers]

No way! What part if you don’t mind me asking?

[@samwarner2668]

@@DrScottEilers On Lake Minnewawa, which is near Big Sandy Lake. 30ish miles north of Aitkin

[@DrScottEilers]

@@samwarner2668 near Floodwood right?

[@samwarner2668]

@@DrScottEilers Yes! Is Floodwood the area your family would go up to? Small world!

[@DrScottEilers]

@@samwarner2668 it’s on the way, ours is in the Grand Rapids area 😁

[@cartermusic2020]

Been a really rough round of retraumatization and loss recently and there’s been big big grief. So much mitigation and advice to “let go” and “move on.” Haha, okay ;) it feels like shit to hear that from loved ones - like a second betrayal. But thank you for validating the pain.

[@kihntagious]

I never had a lovely moment with family

[@lindsaybagwell7988]

your videos are so real and helpful. The amount of ads is mildly annoying. I'm dealing with ambiguous grief and trying to prepare for grief to come. Support is hard to find. Most people do not want to know

[@bryand9337]

You have to deal with any negative aspect in your life, that's the only way, some people find relief in religion, some others in sports or social activities, some others with medication, some others lying themselves that everything is going to get better...the point is to keep going.

[@jeannettebowers-clark6211]

I’m so glad I found ur channel!!!

[@lorimckay2704]

wow great video, love the cottage story, felt that too/

[@mYcRiSpDiScK]

We have to use our time constructively because healing isn't passive. An example would be too many triggers happened today, and you use your time to meditate on the disruption it caused rather than stuff it down with substances, screen-time, e.g.

[@honeymoonavenue97]

2:40 sometimes I feel so much grief over the fact that I will not experience childhood again. Yes I had a very toxic household when I was a kid but singing karaoke and writing songs and stories gave me so much safety as a kid. I still rewatch music videos a million times, like how I used to as a coping mechanism back then.

[@L6FT]

I hear you. I don't think what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. If that were the case we would go about injuring ourselves all the time. I think pain makes us more aware if we chose to deal with it, and thereby can make us more resolute and thereby stronger in some sense. However getting to know our limits can build up our resilience. We are also sensitive to different things, therefor only compare yourself to yourself, perspective is ok, but the emotions we feel are real to us and shouldn't be belittled. A child needs to be seen to grow and blossom, and such are emotions as well.

[@Poppomatic64]

This video hit me so deep

[@misanthrophex]

I'm the youngest in the family. I think a year or a bit more ago one night it really hit me that I will die alone. At least I will be the last one in the family. I truly understood that there and then. In that split of a second I changed immensely.

[@Inkomstkatt]

Some pain should be embraced, not avoided. Only through pain do we self-improve.