Prolonged Grief Disorder

Time does not heal ALL wounds. Period.
In fact, with some kinds of emotional wounds, time actually makes things worse.
So what does time have to do with grief, and what happens if you're grieving for an extended period of time?
I'm talking through some of the symptoms and effect of prolonged grief disorder in this one.
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Disclaimer: This content is not intended to be a replacement for receiving treatment. It is purely educational in nature. My relationship with you is that of presenter and audience, not therapist and client. But I do care.

[@sharonb519]

Time doesn’t heal. It only teaches you how to live with it. 🥺

[@reignofbastet]

Well said.

[@mat41174]

Too right. I live in the past deeply disturbed and cant find my way back to some semblance of normality.

[@RickyM6666]

​​@@mat41174 Losing my 30 yo daughter 7 months ago has done that to me mate .

[@pippacarron1861]

The other lie is "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Once someone has PTSD, it is a constant battle to not be weakened further by any and every adverse event.

[@patriciasalem3606]

So true, and it makes grief so much more complicated, especially if the PTSD comes from your childhood and family, whom you would normally turn to for support. My grief has been prolonged and exacerbated by family gaslighting and even participating in betrayal around the loss in question.

[@tradingsoftwaretutorials9231]

@@patriciasalem3606 Yes, my family set out to destroy me (after I got PTSD), then criticised me for being defensive, which made me even worse.

[@patriciasalem3606]

@@tradingsoftwaretutorials9231 I'm so sorry you have had to go through that. No one should endure that. I finally realized that I'm in the scapegoat role in my family, which is organized around a narcissistic parent who caused all of us cPTSD. I hope you are able to get help for your trauma.

[@roadlesstraveled34]

Oh I HATE HATE HATE BEING TOLD THAT!! It brings out this weird combo of rage and complete apathy. It must be really nice to be the person who believes this to be true since if they do they've clearly never experienced anything to find that it isn't.

[@robertkirchner7981]

@@roadlesstraveled34 Being confronted with a challenge that is difficult but possible to overcome can teach you new skills and expand your comfort zone. But facing a challenge that is beyond your capacity to deal with only causes damage, especially if you face the challenge alone, or if that challenge originates with those you should reasonably expect support from.

[@SoBelle100]

Loss of a beloved companion animal can be a huge source of prolonged grief for someone who genuinely loves animals. Companion animals can be a person's only source of unconditional love which makes the loss extremely difficult to grieve.

[@Bee_kind_]

There is no such thing as "healing" from grief. It's an emotion that you learn to live with. Some days are easier than others and it will be like that for life.

[@_bluephoenix_]

I had someone explain there is a distinction between grief (emotionally governed action) and loss (acceptance something is no longer 'ours') This helped me move on from the ongoing pain. I can be sad in recalling a person but I'm not reactive to it, anymore.

[@TuffBrandz]

I dunno about your circumstances, but my father killed himself, and instead of helping to heal me me, my only other father figure, my brother, threw not me but my daughters to the sharks.

[@sweetest247]

​@@TuffBrandz But why?

[@TuffBrandz]

@@sweetest247 I truly wish I knew.

[@sweetest247]

@@TuffBrandz So that man that passed was your Father & instead of your brother talking to you as you were grieving he ignored you & decided to somehow hurt your daughters as well? The man that passed away would have been your daughters grandfather... Right?

[@Lyrielonwind]

I'm the scapegoat of my narcissistic family and grieving the family I have never and a waisted life trying to fit in and loving the people who didn't accept me, seems like a never ending process.

[@sunshine9122]

I felt and relate to your comment.❤

[@solewestren3218]

My husband died 14 years ago and I miss him more everyday. It doesn't go away. I am so lonely. I loved him so much. We were together 28 years. You are right.i have lost the will to live without him. His death was unexpect😅

[@sandyago4735]

I hate that my wife died. It's only been two years. I accept her death, but i hate it! I have flashbacks daily. Mostly at night. I have friends I have fun but I miss her dearly

[@Danielalovesapril]

I hope you find some peace sir God bless you ! Sending you virtual hug 🫂 you're a good husband.

[@nancycianchetta4831]

I understand how you feel. My husband has been gone since 2017 and things get more bearable but there still flare ups especially around important dates.

[@intignia]

Time does not heal all grief. It may become easier to live with, but from time to time it may resurface, and all the emotions felt are just as strong if not stronger than at the first.

[@ruthfeiertag]

“Acknowledgement” is a much better term than “acceptance.” It seems many people urge acceptance as a way of telling others to just get on with whatever it is and to not bother others with their pain. Whatever the original valence of the word, it has acquired a dismissive and cutting edge.

[@universealchemy]

This is very healing for me. Thank you

[@mccoolth]

Grieving for the living is hell. There's always hope that they will come back into your life You know, in your heart, they won't

[@ChaplainArthur]

I'm a chaplian that provides classes for dealing with unresolved emotions regarding loss. You will never forget your loved one but you can feel better by looking at specific lost hopes, dreams, and expectations.

[@marygoldberg8255]

I can't tell you how much I enjoy listening to your videos. You have a compassionate, concise and realistic way of explaining human nature and psychology. Thank you

[@lovelyrainflowerfarm]

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

[@brennadickinson2920]

Certain things can complicate grief. I have a terminal cancer and my partner was very supportive. Then he died suddenly with little warning and ten months later I still have times when I can't believe it and it 'hits' me all over again. Over all I am getting used to the idea that he is no longer physically here. But how I miss him. That's as keen as the first day.

[@aparnavarma3363]

I am praying for your speedy recovery 🙏...also grieving from my husband's loss. May God be with you🙏 🙏

[@tjnewt10]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you find some semblance of peace 🖤🖤🖤🖤

[@Oystermato]

Damn that sucks

[@Oystermato]

At least he didn’t leave you intentionally?

[@brennadickinson2920]

@@Oystermato No. That's an amazing thing. I wasn't betrayed or tossed aside. It was fulfilling in the end. To be there for him.

[@judisterlynn7896]

I was in a car accident in 1994. Only survivor, I can't get it out of my mind. Been told by therapist to get over it.

[@Jenna.A.]

Those therapists should be fired!!

[@ttf4now]

I’m sorry that a therapist told you to “get over it”. I’ve been told that by various doctors, therapists and others. Survivor’s guilt is real. And there’s no time limit for any kind of grief.

[@susanhandel]

Wow that sucks

[@DrScottEilers]

So sorry you’ve had such worthless therapists

[@annelbeab8124]

Maybe go into what the feeling is that bugs you most. That it is incomprehensible ? Like an unanswered question? Those naturally bother us. But often they are not really addressed. And we have many such questions and horrific events make us not pushing them away as we usually do in life. Or the memory of the actual events as such ? Shock may be stuck in system still.

[@ccam504]

long grief , it's the constant backpack I carry. It gets unpacked sometimes but tends to repack it's self. Most of us fear bringing out our fear. It’s what we do best , keeping it to ourselves.

[@Fiona86555]

Thank you for this, I go to a group for people who’ve lost someone to suicide. But I feel a lot of shame that my loss is 12 years ago, and I’m not better than I am. I’m a poster child for time NOT healing all wounds, it’s what you’ve done in that time.

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

You shouldn't feel shame for being more sensitive, and it could be that coupled w/ extreme circumstances of how it happened and how close they were to you. What happened that make it extra hard for you to get over it? I can recommend the testimony of Rosemary Thornton, whose husband committed suicide. It's pretty profound. People focus on how she got cured of cancer, but she always says the grief that was driving her crazy and made it so she could barely swallow food was far more profound a healing than that. Her early testimonies focus more on the grief, as she found people wanted her to get to the heaven part. I've found that a shame, because I'm far more interested in the grief part, since all my physical sufferings are far less important than chronic depression and grief (for me it's from a very cruel form of cheating and lying).

[@SoberIsSexxy]

I lost my mom 29 years ago, at 16. At 45 I am still grieving her. Do not beat yourself up. The best thing we can do is show ourselves some grace and understanding. ❤ It is good to know I am not alone!

[@Outlawsrevenge1020]

I was abused emotionally and sometimes physically since childhood. I have been grieving a lot of aspects of the abuse and how it changed me. The other day at work I was feeling angry and sad, and I knew that meant that there were unprocessed feelings coming up to the surface. After a lot of crying I feel like I am slowly moving toward acceptance.

[@GorgieClarissa]

I often grieve a childhood I never had because I was both abused physically and emotionally. I hate this ''acceptance'' I truly believe... there was a childhood for me that I just never got to have and it hurts... so bad. I don't want to accept reality. It's not going to make anything better (for me). I'm not saying we are the same, and you can absolutely disagree with me... but child abuse is literally a stolen childhood.

[@trulydisappointed5142]

Discovering your channel has been a weird experience. The topics that you choose to cover, and the experiences you share.. Makes me think either you're a stalker or the things I deal with are way more universal than I used to think. Amazing work in every way

[@DrScottEilers]

It’s the second one 😂

[@trulydisappointed5142]

@@DrScottEilers 😂😂

[@lovelyrainflowerfarm]

@@DrScottEilers Lol yeah, I was like, there has to be some catch as to why his advice is so different. Maybe he’s a psychopath or something 😒 having a brain 🧠 that works differently and the psychopath’s persuasion lol- because his advice is different 🫣 but it helps 😁 It almost always the most helpful when a therapist can step outside of theory and not be trapped in 1 therapeutic approach, but rather look at mental health as a whole, and take the things that make the most sense from all disciplines, as well as develop treatments that may not be in the recognized disciplines at all.

[@caleighh6]

@@lovelyrainflowerfarm …a psychopath? 😒

[@lovelyrainflowerfarm]

@@caleighh6 lol yes 😉 it was a joke

[@connieschwarz6023]

I lost my daughter 4 years ago to estrangement. I lost my mind and my identity. I’m starting therapy tomorrow for coping mechanisms. I feel like I’m going from day to day as a ghost. Yes, that sums it up! I’m a ghost.

[@recoveringsoul755]

Both of mine taken with no answers over 10 years ago. I have no reason to be here anymore. I've recently become aware of Betrayal Trauma, and Complicated Grief. Losing the children went along with losing everything else necessary for survival I can't even function

[@connieschwarz6023]

@@recoveringsoul755 I understand. I’m learning to live as a ghost now. I’m not sure if you’ve gotten to that point yet. I have no other family. But I do know that there are other “ ghosts “ out there. More than likely a lot! Even if my daughter returned for reconciliation, it’s too late. The essence of who I am was destroyed. There is no more “me”. But I survive nonetheless out of spite. I no longer trust God . I only trust myself. I will survive this. And you will too!

[@recoveringsoul755]

@@connieschwarz6023 there Re some channels about it now. One is Families Divided. There's another rum by a young woman who had been alienated from her dad by her mom. I think her channel is the Alienation project or something? It's so hard not to be angry. But it's not really the child's fault. It's the other parent telling them lies about us. Sometimes I've heard of kids going back when they get in their 30's. One of mine is already there. They're hurting too because they abruptly lost their mom. I have no idea if mine are married or have children. I'm stuck in a time warp if when they were kidnapped and not knowing is the worst

[@recoveringsoul755]

@@connieschwarz6023 I tried to stop loving my kids, and I just can't. There isn't a day that passes I don't want to talk to them about something or share something with them

[@connieschwarz6023]

@@Dustin_Gill I’m sorry but you are way off base here. My “ story “ as yours is lengthy I’m sure. I would turn my daughter away to protect myself. Isn’t that what you have chosen to do? My daughter’s goal was to completely destroy me. I don’t need to elaborate on the specifics. Many of our friends who know her were completely flabbergasted by her actions and decisions. You’re also linking me to your own mother who “ is so deeply and profoundly tied to her past hurts and betrayals so as to have them become her identity “ …………. Furthermore you are condemning me to a guilt trip because I have stepped away from my spiritual convictions. You must assume that I’m a “ toxic person “ 😂😂😂 Far , far from it! Mr. Gill , I also assume that you must believe that I’m biblically ignorant. Wrong again. Don’t put your heavy on me Mr. Gill . You’re barking up the wrong tree. Sincerely Connie Schwarz

[@bernstock]

I wish I could find a therapist half as good as Dr.Scott. So thankful for all your videos

[@GorgieClarissa]

right? why are all the good therapists on youtube? I c. n only find therapists... who try to do everything.....

[@giawalka1546]

Very helpful

[@purrmageddon5749]

Everything you said resonated with me. My husband died 15 years ago. I am feeling more angry and hurt just lately as I cycle back through stages of grief; and a big part of me & my hopes for the future died when he did. I knew when he died, and I know now, there will never be any "moving on" for me 😢 I feel very much an outsider wherever I go.

[@thelonesomefisherman7425]

I lost my wife 20 years ago. I'm also dealing with what you said. I feel like an outsider wherever I go, also. Because of the grief, I never feel like I can connect with others. That somehow, my grief sets me apart and they can't understand me. Sound familiar? I'm now retired and I'm not living the life she and I worked for before she died. This adds to the sense of loss. So the grief cycle continues and seems to get worse. I too have realized that there will be no "moving on" for me either and I will most likely deal with this for the rest of my life.

[@dhf161]

I lost my childhood best friend at a young age. He didn’t die, he just moved away to a different state. It felt as though I lost part of myself. For context we thought we were going to get married and all that at the young age of seven. It’s been 24 years since he left and I’m still not over it.

[@DrScottEilers]

I understand that somewhat. The loss of a friend who is still living is one of my biggest as well ❤️

[@rabick62]

My wife passed 2years ago. You made more sense to me than any grief video I have watched, and I have watched a lot of them. Just doing the best that I can, but it is still so hard. Thanks for explaining something that I am experiencing.

[@AlastorTheNPDemon]

Sam Vaknin had a feature on this phenomenon last year. The ones responsible for this kind of trauma deserve nothing short of the cruelest punishment. I have been at the edge of taking my own life since age five and it just gets worse. The pain never stops, nothing works - even drugs - and I keep accumulating devastating life experiences. If there is a God, he'll have to beg my forgiveness.

[@dinamiller9744]

Some times I don't have the motivation to get out of bed.

[@MarciaB12]

I cant get out of my room.

[@dinamiller9744]

Some times I can't either. It's always nice to share these things with others 😌

[@colleenpeck6347]

Put a lunch cooler next to your bed. You need to stay hydrated.

[@sunshine9122]

Looks like a lot of here relate to this comment, myself included.😔

[@1legend517]

Me too. Me too. Its horrible.

[@maryannmartinez9425]

I have isolated

[@pamelaself1298]

I feel a great deal of relief from those around me when I do isolate.

[@mat41174]

+1

[@katherine112371]

Same here.

[@jds6964]

a very close personal friend of my that I loved dearly passed away unexpectedly on Saturday October 23, 2021. I still feel the loss till this day. I do not think that I will ever get over this loss. Sometimes I just wish that I would go to sleep at night and just not wake up ever again.

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

I'm always disappointed to wake up and face another day. Definitely get that one.

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

I also really understand the loss of dear friends that I really loved. My spouse of 10 years cheated, and in a super dramatic way. In that he brought the girl home to befriend me, now she moved across the street to get him back. It worked, he's out. So in trying to build my life and trust back up, I reached out to 3 old friends in this area that I knew since I was 18. We all gladly reunited. One dropped me after 4 months. That's been more devastating than anything, because she lives a block away and we were super close on and off of years. The other one died this thanksgiving. One is left, and while I love and cherish her, she's the one I don't connect w/ as much. I am adjusting to the one who died. Still hard, but harder yet that even w/ death showing us that people should be precious while we have them, the one a block away still doesn't care to reunite.

[@Jhawk_2k]

My reframing of that thought is "Time doesn't heal all wounds, but all wounds take time to heal"

[@jessicanicolebelmonte6252]

Very well said!

[@annelbeab8124]

... and compassion with oneself and seeing what the wound is.

[@memyself12345]

My ex partner left me 5 years ago for another women. They are happily married and have children: He was the only person in my life. I have no friends due to high school bullying and I am estranged from my family. I still haven’t been able to date or see myself with someone else

[@agricolaregs]

Be the change. Go out on a date. Just do it. Don’t picture yourself with someone else. Don’t waste time. Just go out on a date with someone you’re not even into. The first one that asks on a dating site. Then, you can say you tried.

[@sunshine9122]

I'm so sorry. I really hope you are able to meet someone and have a great future with them.❤

[@patriciagss2024]

I kow the video will start tomorrow. But I can only "function" with therapy and meds. My daughter passed away 14 years ago and I've got flashbacks and traumatic thoughts.

[@Dani-ICU-RN]

@patricia it's ok, we're all here,together, for a reason♡♡ 🙏🏻💪❤

[@bradparker9664]

Patricia: I don't have children, so I can't imagine what you've been through. But I did suffer a different loss, and I was in the middle of it when she passed away, but I fully understand the incapacitation that comes on without medication and therapy. I wish you the absolute best. Hang in there.

[@ruthfeiertag]

The fact that you’re functioning after such a loss testifies to your strength. There’s nothing wrong with medication and therapy. You’ve found the tools that help you get through. Well done. I am so sorry for your terrible loss.

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

I am glad that meds and therapy helps you. For some it doesn't. I hope you're a believer, and you have the hope that you will see your daughter again. Very hard to miss her while you're living life here, and I know it's backwards for a parent to have to lose children.

[@jessicanicolebelmonte6252]

@patriciags2023 My condolences and sympathies for your loss. My first daughter died at birth 27 years ago and I was never even able to hold her in my arms. And it took me almost 10 years to finish the grieving process.

[@user-ht2tc5uj7w]

My daddy died three years ago, let's not forget how far we come. For the first time in those years I listened to "ELO"his favourite among others. I was waiting to crumble but it was kind of ok and the music was uplifting. We got to stay positive.

[@sapphirestar5666]

It is winter and COLD. I seemed to do better in the warmth of the SUN. Being a new widow is hard. Money is tight and people do not ,"Care." I try to be Big and Brave because what choice do I have. I thank for being HONEST. I do not trust the Medical Community because of their greedy nature but, I am grateful you are here. Sincerity means alot.

[@Silver_Willow]

Thank you so much for this. I'm grieving over the loss of my most beloved soul in the whole world 😢 Good to know that I'm not alone

[@BUBBLESPOGO]

My husband died suddenly on me after 17 years of marriage. His death devasted me. Then the horrible actions of his sister and mother upon his death added to the agony. He was an only son. Im a a totally different person now. I will always grieve over his death.😢

[@lovelyrainflowerfarm]

Acceptance. This week something really difficult happened (in a stream of difficult things) and I was at the point of shrieking and screaming (to myself) because I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like I couldn’t live with it, and I really wanted to take my life. I couldn’t exist in a world where this was true and I had to accept that it was. The only solution to that was for me to not exist. After sitting with myself for a while and talking to my therapist (every day - crisis period), the goal (reluctantly for me) was to stay alive. So the question was: to stay alive in a world where this is true, where I have to accept that it happened and that it was unfair and that there’s nothing I can do about it, is there anything I could do to coexist with that experience? I have to find things that would help me cope until I could accept that, me and it, are existing in the same world. The first couple days it was just pushing the memory out of my mind, because it was too triggering. And also looking at whether there were any coping skills that would genuinely help, and people I could reach out to to provide support (I didn’t necessarily have to disclose the details). This is me working towards “acceptance” i.e. me regaining the desire to live in a world where this thing actually happened to me. (Sorry this was so long. But I figured this personal experience might help someone. And btw, I haven’t fully reached acceptance yet. But I am in the middle of trying)

[@carlorizzo827]

Thank you for this poignant disclosure. I THOUGHT i had acceptance, but recently it all blew up. Now i've had it with acceptance. I accepted the unacceptable. I know how bad that sounds. Maybe i can work through it

[@lovelyrainflowerfarm]

@@carlorizzo827 doesn’t sound bad at all.

[@jeffandrewstv]

Words cannot express the appreciation and gratitude owed Dr Scott Eilers. Why has it taken so long for a medical professional to address these topics and illnesses? It is like they are a big secret. Something not to talk about or exists. I have always felt alone with these illnesses (mental). The number of people who suffer from many of these issues are staggering. As staggering, the number of people who can’t find and/or get real help. No question, Dr. Scott is changing the landscape of mental health care.

[@96BxelA]

Dr Scott, Just a quick line to thank you sincerely for your channel and content. As a man, I sympathise with other men. We’re not programmed to spill our guts, we’re built to tough it out and get on with it. My grief is immense and after 10 years my life has never returned to normal. Grief is my normal. I just want to see my children again. God willing one fine day.

[@KrisHughes]

I have this with homesickness. I'm not sure I'm even interested in accepting where I live now, or want to "come to terms" with the fact that I can't go back. In the past, people used to believe (understand) that homesickness can be truly debilitating or even kill you.

[@denisel780]

Going through the same thing right now. Sending you a hug....you're not alone💗

[@diane5593]

Weird but wrote you , and then it cancelled out!! Hi Kris, Diane here. Omg! Did not know others felt this way! Dream of my area, my identity, always 😢 can't go back due to finances.20yrs later, still feel lonely and misunderstood.HORRIBLE!!

[@pippacarron1861]

One of the important factors in grief is proximity: it is much easier to reduce grief if you move away from the site of where the grief occurred than if you stay in the same place physically.

[@matthewsenia1495]

Is this really true?

[@pippacarron1861]

@@matthewsenia1495 Definitely. I lost my house in a bushfire 21 years ago. A year ago I decided to buy a house in the same area, thinking that it would be good to live there again. But when the day came to sign contracts and I drove out there early in the morning to check one last time, I was helpless to stop the grief flooding back and was forced to renege on the purchase.

[@matthewsenia1495]

I think you might be right. I need to consider leaving my home town

[@sevendegrees]

I feel judged for still feeling the symptoms of grief for the end of my (20 year) marriage. It is still with me and although better than the first year or so - I have some bad days. I hide it a lot. I try to do things to distract myself but it comes up in the car when I’m alone or at night.

[@annelbeab8124]

Maybe look into what it is you really miss- in your life now. My grief about a loss always came up when something else was missing in my life. In part it's also the loss of illusion when it comes to relationships and how often both parties seem so helpless in retrospect and bound to hurt each other. Grief can become a substitute to love and then it's so difficult to drop it. Love lost. Love never received or given.

[@gabrielletanner5339]

My husband died 15th January 23 after looking after him for four years on my own. At 6ft 2in he had four medical conditions, rheumatoid, mouth ulcers for fifteen years, stroke, dementia... he was 85years... I expected it for those four years so had quite a grieving period..I was 70 on new years day. I've been lying on my bed for a year on my I pad great company. No Children (not by choice, ) no brothers and sisters or of course parents..I look after a neighbours dog two, three times a week. So I find it hard because the first time in my life there is no one to look after besides me.

[@sherrycortese5856]

This is still so new for you. I understand, to a degree, about not having someone to look after. My husband passed away 2 years ago this month after a short illness. He was relatively healthy before but I was always taking care of him. I didn't realize how much my life revolved around him until he was gone. This 2nd year has been harder than the 1st for me. My heart goes out to you. You've been through a lot. I'll be 69 next month. Actually, we're still young, right?

[@tedwilson1477]

If wounds are perceived and processed with love, although deep and painful, they are invaluable life lessons that help us ascend the destructive ego. In my opinion this is healing, rather than everything being reset.

[@annelbeab8124]

Very well said. See my other comment above

[@tedwilson1477]

@@annelbeab8124 I cant see it? Please copy and paste here :)

[@freebird7207]

Grief without a closure.. is more painful.. and time never heals it.. just brings new questions to it... 🥺😔

[@silvermine2033]

Time heals some wounds, but not all. I'm still dealing with something from 20 years ago. I've learned to live with it, but I don't think it will ever truly heal. I hope I'm wrong though!

[@pickledherring8759]

Same here.

[@meagiesmuse2334]

Twice as long for me. I supressed it since I had to go on at the time. During Covid lock down it came back up and demanded closure. It is still bothering me a lot now, since getting closure from the other person is now too difficult. The moral of my story is don't suppress your grief. The only way out is through.

[@pickledherring8759]

@@meagiesmuse2334 I have some things that came up since my divorce and living alone. I'll never get closure on a couple of things, since the other person is no longer living. But I've definitely gone through a grieving all over again.

[@Heyu7her3]

The actual quote is “Time is the healer of all necessary evils.”

[@cindyhalpern3187]

This video was perfectly right for me! I lost both brothers to Muscular Dystrophy many years ago. I try to honor their memories by writing about them. But I always miss them!

[@robertashaffer3950]

I definitely appreciate the relationship I had with my ex-husband. I had never experienced true love, kindness, support and understanding with anyone else as I did with him. This is what makes the break up more difficult. I have been working very hard to help myself move through the grief & devastation. 🙏🙏 Thank you Dr. Scott 🙏

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

I could always handle break ups before. When my last 10 yrs ended w/ profound lying, cheating and betrayal, haven't been able to deal w/ that. You think there's at least love there, but apparently not.

[@Oystermato]

Ugh this is so depressing lol

[@Yoshoggutha]

This was extremely validating for me. My 11 year relationship ended this past November before my birthday. It happened abruptly overnight and I've been traumatized since and still dealing with the aftermath. It doesn't feel like I'll ever fully recover from it.

[@annelbeab8124]

It's still fresh. Make sure it doesn't etch itself into the identity though. Treat it as passing however hurtful. It may that we make pain stay in lieu of what we lost. A substitute that blocks life. But first feel your feelings and see them for what they are when cutting through the haze after that shock. Shock as such is existentially upsetting to us.

[@Malnxxty]

i’m so glad you mentioned that grief isn’t only caused by death. my best friend i’ve ever had and my entire life is no longer allowed to see me. i don’t want to get into it too much but in short, there is not any reason other than “you both have bad mental health” but our friendship made both of us so happy and i still cry almost every day because i miss that feeling so much

[@scrubjay93]

Very helpful, thank you. I sometimes have vivid or even lucid dreams of people I have lost and there is elation as if I have seen them alive again, followed by a resurgence of intense grief as the dream fades.

[@don-eb3fj]

"...alien stars glare mockingly at my impotence..where is my North star? ...She has risen in another hemisphere, or I have." The aneurism that took her was swift and she didn't suffer long, at least there's that; I felt her leave, tearing away and taking most of me with her as she flew away into the night. That was 9 years ago today, after nearly 23 years of contentment together. In dreams she has been with me in the home we built together, so silent and sad, so unlike herself; she wouldn't speak to answer me, as if she couldn't see or hear me,- I'm the ghost, or so it seems. "It will get better." "Think of how much you loved each other and how wonderful your life was together." "She would want you to be happy." "She'll always be with you." - Another layer of plaster platitudes at the first sign of a crack in the stone facade, no thought or willingness for holding space for the emptiness of losing the only person I ever felt truly loved by, as if life could just go on, as if nothing had changed, without her in it. Yes, she wanted me to be happy, to move on- it doesn't matter what she wanted, she's gone, and I AM profoundly alone. Memories can fade fast with no emotional soundtrack attached to them, making it difficult or impossible to sustain or draw hope from them. The same disconnect and dissociation applies to the original griefs of childhood trauma and attachment injury- I do have memories of many of those events, but feel nothing about them, or much else. All my childhood griefs had to be repressed, unfelt, unprocessed; it's still there, like all the unacceptable aspects of myself that were put away for survival's sake, buried in shallow graves, leaving only the shell. There is the connection and the real root of complicated and prolonged grief, and the way to address and (maybe?) recover from it. CBT is a waste of time, another plaster of platitudes over cracks- if cognitive awareness of the problem or stoicism solved it I wouldn't be plagued by it after all these years. Schizoid defenses don't yield to CBT, they ARE a form of CBT. "...the grains of sand that gave substance to the edifice of Resolve have rejoined all the others, drained through the hourglass into history, inviting Tomorrow to follow." Time is a thief, not a healer.

[@mariah0209]

A year ago I lost both my parents within a month of each other. I wish people won’t try co comfort me if they don’t know what to say: time heals, life goes on, we all die , it’s part of life … thank you for this video

[@agricolaregs]

But you have to give them grace. Let them try. Or don’t. But I’d rather give grace. I’m sorry about your parents. I lost my dad almost a year ago. My mom is dying. Liver cancer. Maybe a year. It’s hard. It sucks. Nothing makes it not suck.

[@sunshine9122]

Yes. I wish people would simply just say I'm sorry and leave it at that. All the other sfuff they say is patronizing and offensive. May your parents rest in peace.🙏❤

[@RedactedATS]

Many years ago, in response to a serious illness which caused me to lose many things, not least of which was doing the hobbies i loved, i sought therapy. I already knew about the so called grief cycle and the acceptance bit. I engaged with therapy and asked my therapist what if the best i could do was to accept that i would never truly accept what happened. She had no answer for me. Which i thought was a shame. In my own way i was saying i qould never be okay with what happened, but that was okay for me. It's like therapists have a script and if you go off script, it does not compute. Sad really, because i thought it was relatively sound reasoning! Incidentally, i will never accept what happened because it will never be okay. Life can be brutal, painful and horribly unfair and as far as I'm concerned, that's not okay, either for me or anyone else affected by trauma

[@carolfactor1865]

Yes this is so true. My mom died 10 years ago. I still can’t believe she’s gone. I think of her so often it makes me wonder how I can get over this loss.

[@lorienhartman1667]

same

[@ShanDog47]

I feel like I still grieve for the loss of my mother at times and she passed over 30 years ago. I was only 14 years old when she died. I still struggle with the loss.

[@agricolaregs]

Are grieving what you had or what you should’ve had?

[@isabellezoey]

Really struggling to get over a breakup that happened 5 months ago. I don't tell a lot of people, because you're supposed to move on. "It's just a break up, there's plenty of fish in the sea." Perhaps. But every fish is unique and I will never share love with this one particular fish again. My future children died. Break ups are brutal, if you think about it.

[@jeanettebranco1910]

Grief never really goes away, it just gets somewhat better, but it us always with you.

[@KT-qj9mp]

I lost my husband of 40 years, late last year 2023. I live in another country away from family and friends. I am alone and don't have very close friends here. It's not been a year yet and I am going through everything you have said, except anger and resentment. I don't feel those emotions. I don't resent him or feel angry, he was very ill. When he died I was in denial for a couple of months. Then it hit me. I isolated myself from family etc., over the Christmas period. Around February this year, I started to see a therapist that was recommended to me. It was ok at first. But I read people very quickly and he was clock watching and I felt he wasn't really listening. Took my money after less than an hour etc. I carried on with him for about 6 weeks but I don't think it was helping me. April and May this year, I thought I was coping and started getting things sorted and decorating where I live. Then the black cloud descended again and I've now given up. I don't take care of myself or my surroundings. Don't eat properly, drink every day, don't go out. My meds were increased a little, but I still feel the same. I've had really dark thoughts of not being alive anymore. What's the point? Everyone will carry on without me. I just can't cope with my life without my husband anymore.

[@hardasnails11b]

I wish I had you for my Doctor, Scott. You’re so awesome !

[@delfinadiem3158]

My husband passed away on Oct of 21, and my mom Nov of 22, I have a hard time motivating myself to do much, and I go to two bereavement meetings a week and talk to a therapist once a week, is slowly getting better, but I have to make a big effort to force myself to do much.

[@trudymeans3520]

I lost my husband of 20 years to covid two years ago. Watching your channel has been such a blessing to helping to heal my grief. Thank you for what you do.

[@TomVable]

I lost the girl of my dreams 21 years ago, never got over it. I never felt so good, so alive with anyone else. The grief doesn't go away. All I feel is a deep sadness and loneliness. She made me feel like there's two of us making one happy whole. Now I am lost. The social world remains a strange entity... Other people are just other people. In 21 years I never connected with anyone like with her, and given that amount of time, I don't think I ever will...😢

[@geneg3776]

8 years and i miss my mum every day. Thankyou for being realistic.

[@GooniesGirl]

Why must we pathologize grief? I don't have a disorder. I just really miss my mom. 💔😭

[@juliemaitland1176]

I agree. I lost my mum six months ago and I miss her more each day. No therapist should need special training to work out that the grief I feel, at 72, cannot be diminished. We lived together so I am now alone coping with chronic health issues and no one to share thoughts and experiences with. I have no one else and am unable to go out. What could a therapist do for me, really. I feel for your loss and understand the pain and hopelessness that lie behind your words🤍. Be kind to yourself and don’t think you should get over your grief. I hope that in time I may be able to re-live all the good times. Perhaps we will.

[@GooniesGirl]

@@juliemaitland1176 I understand what you're going through. My mom passed on 9/17/2022. I was her caregiver for 5+ years. She lived with me. And was my best friend and partner in crime. Now, I'm alone with relatives and friends living out of state. Her death hit me hard, and now my chronic illness has flared up. Hopefully one day I will be able to enjoy the memories of happy times.

[@CindyLouWho77]

I lost my son 13 years ago. My grief has become worse over time, to the point I couldn’t function. My grief therapist has done more in three months than psychotherapy for five years. Not everyone is the same. Not everyone’s grief is the same. You’re fortunate not to have this disorder because each day, until I began working with my grief therapist, was an even greater hell than the day before. Sometimes, it still is. I won’t ever heal, but I’m learning to live with it.

[@jatzygirl3120]

I'm still battling with childhood trauma. I dealt with one but there's another that just doesn't get better.

[@debbieporter6581]

Thank you so much for this video. I have so muchgrief inside from the loss of people, not to death but to them leaving my life when I depended on them emotionally. I just lost someone last Thurs who has been in my life almost.9 years. I lost someone this past June. If I was in a better place in my mind it maybe would be easier to deal with, but I'm not.

[@nickiealtieri-enochs1914]

Grief let's you know when it's done with you. I've been living my worst nightmare for over 30 years. I barely functioned for 20 of them. I still have triggers to this day. I've learned to put on my "happy face" when I'm around people, then emotionally retreat back into my depressed self. Therapy helped me understand my grief, but it didn't heal it.

[@dariosergevna]

I’m so sorry to hear that. I have grieved for some years. Do you want to share what’s happened?

[@agricolaregs]

It’s been almost a year. I’m not bitter or angry. I just miss him. I cry so often. Almost every day. I cry when anyone mentions him.

[@angc.1331]

I'm dealing with anticipatory grief. I have an 18 1/2 y.o. dog who is literally like my child.

[@davespencer2425]

I lost my dog a year ago. I cry every day. I look for her beloved face everywhere but she's not there. This is hell. I want to be where she is. I feel for you with all my heart ❤. Lana

[@angc.1331]

@@davespencer2425 we had to let go of the best dog I've ever known, last Wednesday. I feel so lost without my Libby. I adopted her from the shelter at 8 weeks old. She was born there. She was with me through some of the toughest times; the loss of my brother and through my Guillain Barre' days. She knew me better than I know myself. I miss her sooo much!

[@agricolaregs]

I’ve lost many dogs through the years. Family is family, furry or not.

[@angc.1331]

@@davespencer2425, I'm sorry for your loss. It is hard without them. We had to let our Libby go. It was the hardest decision, but we just knew she didn't have quality of life left. Our vet knew we were struggling when we took her in, but when he asked us, within the last 24 hours, how many of that time was she ok, and we looked at each other and knew the answer was none. That really made our decision a little easier. Our girl is able to walk and run freely. I can't wait to see her again.

[@angc.1331]

@@agricolaregs so very true!

[@acools07]

I actually got a lot of relief for long-term grief and learning how to grieve in a more healthy way when I started going to Al-Anon. I remember when I first walked into a meeting and started listening it was one of the very first times I ever felt completely at home and comfortable with other people. I think it was all because we shared extremely similar experiences although it was our first time meeting

[@SivSeran]

I wish you from my heart that the meetings will help you more and more everytime! Good that you go there. Very important!

[@sunshine9122]

Is Al-Anon a grief specific group?

[@acools07]

Recovery for people who have been effected by other people's alcoholism. I experienced a lot of good grief work in the group.

[@sunshine9122]

@@acools07 I appreciate the clarification. Thanks for replying.

[@lamenzies]

I'm an expatriate and an only child. Both my parents lived and died in my birth country, and sometimes it feels as though it never happened and they are still 'over there'. Reminders that they are gone still hit me hard, even though my mum died in 2013, and dad in 2019. I don't know if i can move on when it still feels unreal.

[@patriciafabian8006]

I feel so alone. I lost my daughter 2.5 weeks ago.I feel like everyone wants me to be stong.I feel like i-m in shock.I keep listening to her voice messages which probably isn't healthy. I know that everyone has losses. I think i will have to get through this the best way for me.

[@TG-qj1if]

Please don’t think you have to be strong! Fall apart if you need to. There is nothing worse than losing a child, nothing. You deserve to feel anything you need to.

[@agricolaregs]

Listen to voice messages. But limit yourself. How could not want to hear her voice!!!! I listen to my dad’s sometimes. So let yourself do that. But not everyday. Just once or twice a week.

[@sunshine9122]

I'm so sorry. May your daughter rest in peace.🙏❤

[@OlgaGonzalez-k3y]

Sorry for your loss. I know what you're going through. I unexpectedly lost my daughter 3 years ago and am dealing with prolonged grief. I died inside along with her, life is just not joyful anymore. I pray you will hang in there, losing a child is the worst pain one can endure. I've lost 3 brothers my parents, and my husband but the loss of my daughter has been the worst. 16:49

[@sunshine9122]

@@OlgaGonzalez-k3y Olga, I'm so sorry. May your daughter rest in peace.🙏❤️🕊

[@carlorizzo827]

TY👍Doc. & right on. Have you heard what acupuncturists say about grief, how lungs & large intestine are the organs associated w/that emotion, the "letting go" of an exhale or bowel movement are the analog of grieving; How the prevalence of cancer in those organs indicate a culture that processes grief poorly... Grieve creatively!!!🕊

[@sunshine9122]

Thank you for this comment. I have done accupuncture in the past, but not for grief. I will look into accupuncture for my complicated grief.

[@chchwoman9960]

I greive the loss of my uterus. I had no idea until it was removed that it was where i felt my joy. Its been 15 years, and i feel like a shell. I cannot escape it, the loss is with me every day since i feel the emptiness within my body. I have lost the very centre of my being. A good freind died 2 weeks later, and i feel like i died with her, but i have to live on

[@dariosergevna]

I’m really sorry to hear that…I give you my hug.

[@chchwoman9960]

@@dariosergevna Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. ❤

[@wendybothma3548]

You are the first person who has put into words how I felt after I had to have my own uterus removed. I grieved for a long time although I’d had 3 beautiful children and couldn’t have any more. I felt that I’d lost my identity for a while and it took me a long time to get over it. I do hope that you have found healing and comfort. God bless you.

[@ann7564]

You are so really REALLY good at what you do.

[@PottieMar]

I'm glad that you are making a distinction between different types of grief, who they lost and how a person deals with loss in general. Example: 12 months is still very early days for a parent who lost a child in traumatic circumstances. Such a person should never be diagnosed with prolonged grief disorder before much more time has passed.

[@kelliejones386]

Thank you sooo very much. You hit on everything. I lost my son four hrs ago, then my job due to Covid, my independence , my relationship. Grief was better and then it’s all compounded. Thank you for addressing grief in all arenas. Sometimes one more thing in life can be the last straw and that may not be a big thing. This was so good for me to hear❤

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

I can so relate to the one more thing just flattening you. Was trying to get myself into Christmas and managed ok. My cousin is close to my sister, and has rebuffed attempts to befriend her since I moved here. We have the dinner a presents at my sister's. So cousin comes in late w/ her usual big bag of presents. Her and my sis go over the top w/ stuff for each other, but Heidi usually gets me some weird token thing. I had to sit through the whole opening, extruciatingly long, because of all the presents her and my sister do for each other. I was the only one left out. My mom and nephew, who don't buy for her all got stuff, just not me. I couldn't even eat the Christmas leftovers we take home. Barely at for days. Wanted to end it all, again. Would have bounced w/ annoyance, but over 2 years of deep grief, nope, can't handle these things.

[@criticRN]

@@saintejeannedarc9460I’m so sorry - Heidi is not a nice person!

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

@@criticRN Thanks for understanding my thing that is probably more minor than I took it.

[@criticRN]

@@saintejeannedarc9460 it wasn’t minor at the time for you and I bet it was very hurtful - I just want you to know that what your cousin did was mean and it’s ok to be upset by that final straw. Be good to yourself ❤️

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

@@criticRN It was terribly hurtful. Esp. given that she's the only cousin here I grew up w/, she lives a few blocks away and rebuffs attempts at friendship. When my sis and her mom moved back, she'll drive across town for them and that's the only time I see her, w/ them. She'll call if she needs a ride from me though. I've learned to handle the rebuff, just don't know why she'd want to rub it in at Christmas. She's the only one who got cheated on, so she knows the grief I'm still trying to get over, but am still in survival mode over. Thanks for understanding. Some people can just be thick.

[@sarimari8897]

Thank you for this. Good timing, nearly 3 years and my life is still on hold, planing to get some help / have a therapy.

[@user-vy6xw5lb5l]

You will never forget their presence..

[@alisongoeller-us7mx]

Since 2018 it got worse. But lately I've seen improvement. Around good people ❤

[@michelekurlan2580]

Theres been a pretty great awareness of this matter in the hospice community for way more than 1 or 2 years. Hospice provides aftercare for the bereaved for up to 13 months,gratis. They also gave groups. Wonderful service

[@tedwilson1477]

Thank you so much for this! I thought my therapist was making me worse as she cries every time i cry, and she sais she can feel my energy. But im told if she does this then she is a great therapist to help me delve deeper into those dark areas. I feel a real safe connection with her, so i will stick with her!

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

A really safe feeling connection is very important. A therapist that cries w/ patients is in danger of burning out. It will be interesting to see if Dr. Scott will respond to this.

[@tedwilson1477]

@@saintejeannedarc9460 So its not bad for me the client? I feel safe to go deeper when she does this.

[@davidanderson911]

I've sort of felt like, when we feel the most alone - we're most like everyone else. Seems like the unwritten law of irony. My loss has been through a history of divorce and giving up. The worst divorce was almost 15 years ago. I had finally made it past 10 years with her, lost my income and it was over. Of course, more complicated than that, but that's the overview. The depth of my regret and feelings of loss increases seemingly daily...compounding my emotion. Time has passed throughout my uneventful life and as I get older my chances of happiness seem to diminish. I started a new life with someone and it started with some exciting possibilities, but chaos of adult children (2) and caring for a 93 yr old parent are driving both of us to madness. Depression and regret only increase. I truly have gotten what I deserve. I feel as though I have destroyed everyone's life involved. Thanks for listening.

[@user-qh7ls1er2l]

You are a revelation to me.Words are poor to describe how much I appreciate the work you do with these videos..Wish only the best for you to carry on 🙏, and all the people out there helped by you ❤

[@DrScottEilers]

Wow, thank you

[@lindarothera7838]

Very helpful, l attended my father's funeral today, so true about the physical care too, parenting myself to eat healthy, take baths & go to bed earlier has helped me immeasurably in the last 3 weeks since his death which l witnessed & then had to be responsible to liaise with funeral professionals.

[@jadeybabes33]

I've watched my mother not really process or acknowledge her huge losses (as back in their day they just swept it under the rug) and those piled up losses that weren't dealt with still bubble under the surface & have affected her in so many ways - she is frozen and stuck in destructive patterns. If only she'd allowed herself to grieve and acknowledge the loss and accepted it all, her life could have been very different.

[@user-ir2vm4fi4w]

I feel my son is in the same situation

[@DrScottEilers]

100% agree

[@lil1671]

I got hit by a car in 08, I have a TBI. I just miss the person I was.

[@bradparker9664]

I actually have an appointment this afternoon. Thank you so much for this video.

[@cathywestholt5324]

Where there is a great void in grief therapy is the loss of an adult sibling. I lost my younger and only sister four years ago this month. I even worked in hospice at the time. There are support groups for about every other relationship than adult sibling loss. Your sibling is expected to have a more "important role" as a spouse, parent, grandparent, or even an adult child. The death, grief a bereavement entities can't grasp this, devalue it. I had to finally leave the hospice house. It was too heart crushing when a patient's contact person was their sibling. I knew there was nothing out there ready to catch them.

[@DrScottEilers]

That’s definitely a major less. I’m sorry people haven’t acknowledged it as much as you needed ❤️

[@sjgrall]

Your reference to taking on the clothing of someone when we've lost someone as part of grief processing...I missed that in my first listen, and that gives me a key insight into someone I'm still trying to move on from, and still care very much for. This person copied me in many many ways for periods of time, including my clothing and my cologne. Yet, they claimed to have had no feelings for me. Interesting. In some strange way, knowing that helps me realize that my interpretation of hidden feelings had some logic to it, at least.

[@kritiqal1337]

bro straight up made me cry, love your videos, keep up the good work

[@zurirobinson2749]

I distinctly remember, when I was watching the 20th anniversary commemoration ceremony of 9/11, during Christopher Jackson's vocal performance the camera cut to an image of a woman sobbing and another woman hugging her. That just broke me, that it had been 20 years and this poor lady was still sobbing as though it had happened yesterday. Although my mom was nowhere near the tragedy- she was at home with one-year-old me about 40 miles north of lower Manhattan- I always associated it with her because she'd worked in the WTC for a time. Visiting the memorial with her in 2012 was one of the few times I ever saw her cry. She was diagnosed with a brain tumor in 2010, and died in 2015. A few months after her death, I started to experience weird migraines and had an MRI to make sure that I didn't also have a brain tumor. In 2018 I started to experience neuropathy, blurred vision, and even scarier symptoms that have since gotten me three more MRIs, a handful of EKGs, and a young adulthood of constantly trying to treat an invisible disease. It will be 9 years since her death this May, and I am beyond tired.

[@sunshine9122]

May your mom rest in peace.🙏❤

[@Jeanie-lm6kb]

This is an excellent 😊😊😊😊😊video.Dr. Eilers knows his stuff I am a mom grieving the death of my 30 yr old son 2 yr ago come 8-30. of this yr The pain from my grief is still.ver real.

[@dinamiller9744]

But I do have a therapist, it's just that I am dealing with three kinds of grief now. But I like what you say, start with the lowest one and work towards the worst one

[@GA-if6qf]

Very helpful--thank you. It's only been recently that I've decided I must let go and move forward from the multiple layers of grief from various incidents that have held me down for years. Losses, hurts, rejections, disappointments--part of life. My hope is to acknowledge these things in the future and move towards a level of resiliency that I've not allowed myself in the past.

[@secretsquirrelaimee7721]

Thank you. What if there is so much that has gone on, going back 43 years, that I just can't get over anything?

[@dinamiller9744]

You are a very educated man. Thanks for putting things the way they really are 😊

[@genevieveking7666]

I have brought up how much I still am grieving after 6yrs of losing my mom and I am told to get over it along with a grieving a bad relationship of 15yrs that wasted the best years of my life and now I feel empty and loss most of the time

[@sunnihunny]

Wow. What a great day to hear this. It has been three years. And I thought I was simply losing my mind. You've shown me that not only does my feeling have a name.. it has a DX CODE! Well.. hallelujah. Seriously considering a therapist. THANK YOU.

[@margarethughes3763]

Thank you Dr Scott.

[@Nikvee3375]

Had to leave my home country as a child when parents split…life changing rta at 18….resulting in 36 surgeries over 6 years, resulting in amputation of leg. Family scapegoat/black sheep. My son committed suicide 2 years 4 months ago. He wasn’t found for over 4 days….i will never get the image out of my head. I live with chronic pain and lord knows what else. I am done. I have made plans. I wish I had the nerve to do what my son did.

[@agricolaregs]

Why did you son kill himself?

[@sunshine9122]

I'm so sorry. May your son rest in peace.🙏❤