I can't let good things in

When you’re young, you have no ability to meet our own needs - so what happens when those needs don’t get met?
When those needs aren’t met, you really only have two options: suffer or learn to ignore the need.
Nurturing barriers are subconscious, internal habits you develop as coping mechanisms for not getting things you needed in the early period of your life.
This can lead us to feel like we have don’t have emotions, like we’re numb. But what's actually happening is we are doing something inside of ourselves to block the input of that emotion.
If this is you right now it may not feel like there’s hope, but stick with me because I truly believe there is.
Get my book: For When Everything is Burning
bit.ly/forwheneverythingisbur...
Connect with me on TikTok:
/ dr.scott.eilers
Hear the Podcast:
bit.ly/PsychologyOfDepression...
What's inside:
00:36 - Unveiling the power of nurturing barriers,
04:01 - The shocking effects of inconsistent needs
08:59 - Overcoming emotional numbness
13:49 - Discover the game-changer: stop forcing emotions and turn inward
16:26 - Learn to identify and inhibit reflexive reactions.
Disclaimer: This content is not intended to be a replacement for receiving treatment. It is purely educational in nature. My relationship with you is that of presenter and audience, not therapist and client. But I do care.

[@Katydid-not]

I can’t accept it…so I always work myself too hard to earn the praise that I always reject….sigh

[@DMills-un1tl]

Very well said! Totally.

[@chrisjarmain]

❤

[@timmyhexham9603]

❤

[@donnykyoto1519]

Relatable

[@cindisowder2182]

So you’re the “My people”, every one tells me I need to find. 😂

[@francesmacdonald2234]

I have come to the conclusion that it is really astonishing that any of us survives this life. Statistics are beyond me but my experience thus far, I am 83, shows that more people are wounded than not. 17:52

[@user-onyoutube868]

Yes, this makes perfect sense. One thing I learned in life is not to expect to receive nurturing from the people who were supposed to give it but never did. I married the person who broke through my barrier of being unable to receive nurturing. By persistent empathy, and care, he has made a huge difference in my ability to trust, and realize that not only does he care, but others do as well.

[@vickykent353]

That's a beautiful story.

[@stevenrodriguez6900]

Thats my fantasy lol

[@tjbarke6086]

If I get the good thing, it's just gonna get taken away...

[@Omen465]

Nothing lasts forever

[@RJones-tn5vg]

My therapist helped me learn to reconnect with my feelings, and they are really uncomfortable. The barrier had both advantages and disadvantages. The crying example hits home. Being comforted and appreciated is so unfamiliar.

[@joymurphy8944]

Did you use any particular techniques to reconnect with your feelings? I know that I need to do this, but I'm not sure how.

[@vickykent353]

Reconnecting with our feelings would be a good topic for Scott to do a video on. It would stand to reason that at least one of my therapists would have taught me how to do this but for the life of me, I don't remember or I've blocked it out because it would be too painful for me to deal with.

[@magdalienka9325]

@@joymurphy8944 I recommend youtube channel "Therapy in a nutshell" (from therapist Emma McAdams), where is a lot of videos about feeling your feelings. And about anxiety and how to process it, too.

[@stevec404]

"Nurturing barrier" - I shut down on so many levels it is a wonder how I ever progressed into adulthood...I became so 'skilled' I felt like a Zombie. Numb. Exactly. All of your examples hit home for me. I have been working to take down my barriers; with good success. The word 'love'...a hug...I could not. Reflexive reaction is very tough to change. I have had insightful moments when the innocent inner child in me did allow my blocked feelings. Those moments became the starting points for my healing journey.

[@lynda5333]

Holidays are hard. Everytime I hear a Christmas Carol I turn the radio off, until a few days before Christmas.

[@monarene44]

Letting a good thing in creates a “need” for it. If it comes to me fine. I’m not seeking it out. The let down when it goes away is too much.

[@boris9047]

Yeah, I'm too afraid to become addicted to the good things when I let down the barriers. I't not a false belief because I've tested it, and I do get addicted to all the positive feedback.

[@wendyd3438]

Really helpful. My mental illness which, I could never get a therapist for, has gotten worse. I never heard of this topic, but I clearly do block and disbelieve anything positive toward me.

[@judisterlynn7896]

I do the exact same! I can not accept anything positive.

[@jadeybabes33]

When I was growing up and I was a very emotional kid (and very depressed but that took years to figure out ) - and although I had loving parents I was always told I was too sensitive, why was I so unhappy when I had a good life, you're ruining this for everyone etc. So my nurturing barrier essentially became hiding when I was feeling bad so I wouldn't get a negative response or have to feel the 'guilt' - now in my forties I still can't tell people how bad my depression gets and have become a master at hiding it. Even though now funnily enough my mother tires to get me to open up to her, I just can't! But because I don't open up to anyone - the cost is that I never get ANY validation or comfort from anyone and I am always suffering with it alone - which is hard to live with.

[@user-mi5cm1cm2z]

ty for posting 😊 you have me wondering if sometimes it could be a form of autism. You sound a lot like my daughter. She has never let anyone hug her. The words I Love You have triggered her always. Once in awhile she will give a hug if it's her idea. It's is a real hug,not hugging because she wants something. is a hug to you from me ok? 🤗

[@kathleenbigsmoke-mitchell4898]

🙋‍♀️

[@vanessah.8673]

I feel you.. I feel like no one can understand the level of pain depression has cost me even though my life is what most people call 'good living environment/middle class upbringing'.. it sucks to feel like my problems with depression and now su****** thoughts won't go away easily, and there's little comfort from the people around me... I wish I could've just died many nights now, even though I love my life and my family and friends despite my mental health issues.. there's only very small hope that I want to get better now...

[@nonamegivenatbirth]

@@vanessah.8673❤️

[@amymyers5503]

"You can't be needy if you don't have needs." It's my life philosophy after being rejected for being needy or accused of attention-seeking behavior as a child and as an adult. Don't be needy. Now I'm dead inside. I'm a meat popsicle. Change is hard. Asking for what I need is hard. I can't feel good when good things happen. To reframe it, my parents and extended family experienced the same unmet needs and generational abuse and trauma. We're all dead inside. Except for the nerdy stuff that brings enjoyment and excitement, then I can enthuse about it and hyperfixate on fun things to feel good. But don't be needy!

[@ZeCahli]

You just described my life 😞 sorry you have to go through this too.

[@amymyers5503]

@@ZeCahli Find strength in community. Others have gone through it. We can support one another's recovery.

[@th220]

every video title is exactly what I've been thinking. My family literally just told me "you only think abut the negative, you wont believe anything good". As a kid I had to spend weekends at my dad's 2 hours away and miss out on birthday parties with friends, basketball tournaments, school events on the weekends, ect, I never had a choice, I had to go. Two options were go and be on my best behavior and miss out on these events with friends or tell my dad I didn't want to go and hear about how selfish I am, how bad my mom is ect ect...so I just learned to ignore ever being able to do the things I wanted or opportunities I was given. Didn't get to participate as much as I wanted to in sports because they knew I wouldn't be there on the weekends. Friends stopped inviting me to sleepovers because they knew I couldn't go. Once I turned 18 and didn't legally have to go to my dads, I completely stopped and now I never talk to him but I have guilt and shame about it. I just feel so messed up. All my relationships fail and dont have friends or know how to get out of this. Isolated, frozen and depressed unable to live and missing my ex.

[@elless4817]

That makes total sense why you felt that way. It’s sad that, as parents, we don’t see the far reaching effects our decisions have on our kids. I don’t know any parents that don’t have at least one thing they wish they could go back and do differently. I hope you find a way to work around this and enjoy your life the way the kid in you would have wanted.

[@manwiththeredface7821]

Did he EVER suggest that maybe he could take you to the sports and might as well watch you play, you know, like a proud parent normally would?

[@DMills-un1tl]

My mother was the Mormon June Cleaver in every way, except affection. She didn’t get it as a child so couldn’t give much of it as an adult, as much as she wanted to. I don’t remember hugs or physical affection. She was a disciplinarian, like her mother, and that is what I remember. Now when anyone tries to give me a hug or touch me in any way, including family and close friends, I recoil. I absolutely hate it. Saturday, I tried to take your recommendation to push myself out of my isolation and comfort zone. I had my first date in 11 years. It was going well until he put his arm around the small of my back, and it created an immense shiver. I realized that I don’t want to be intimate with someone, it’s too late for me. Oh, and, yes, a developed numbness to the need for intimacy, and also an immediate voice that says “they don’t mean it”. I’m certain people tolerate me rather than enjoy me, which is odd because I’m always the life of the party.

[@boris9047]

Is it different with animals, can you appreciate their physical affection?

[@Lynnette4]

@@boris9047 Great point! This is where specifically trained therapy animals can help...or even companion animals (pets) can often help.

[@Omen465]

As a guy i feel the same way. I day dream everyday about being in a romantic relationship and hoping I find the "one" but it just feels weird when i get close to a woman in that type of way and i tend to run away. Then i realize what i did and be sad and lonely about it and the cycle will repeat of me wanting someone.

[@BeaLucile]

Literally, just 3 hours ago I left a therapy session feeling like my therapist missed what was needed, but couldn't pinpoint why the session was unhelpful. Now I'm balling my eyes out at your video, because THIS hit the spot. Exactly what I needed today. Also, as an aside...as an LMSW, I often have a lot of shame over "how can I be helpful to others if I'm still healing myself" because other people shove that in my face often. It's nice to hear someone I regard as highly as you being up front that you've done your own inner work as well. Dentists need dental work. Doctors need to get seen by a doctor. It's annoying how our profession doesn't get the same grace.

[@DrScottEilers]

Not only have I done that work, I continue to do that work! I am most certainly not “healed” and don’t think that will be a completed work while I exist on earth ❤️

[@darlenedula5264]

I have never felt love from my narcissistic parents and I am 67 yr old...I received it from Grandma and grandpa ( maternal) as my parents were on and off divorced 7 times....🙄...my son died 7 yrs ago no love no feelings from them...my brother took himself out of this world 2 yrs ago things have really gotten worse..I am stripped emotional and mentally..they have to have everything ...took his house from me took everything...I am disconnected in life...empty unloved..But I did not treat my children that way i kissed them hugged them told them i loved them always same with my grandchildren....not married no significant other in my life..I want a dog but apartment which i live only wants small i am low income living in subsidized living..I want a lab as a. Companion animal who I know will lick and hug me and show me love as I would back to the animal..I find everyday a struggle of unhappiness..nothing to look forward to but same old misery my psychiatrist is useless and disconnected ..my psychologist is okey but I know he is trained to do more and help more. It's all about the 245.00 for 45 minutes...that's it tty next week ..it's very disgusting..your a good guy ..I am going to keep watching...😅

[@onelove5206]

@@darlenedula5264 Wow that’s a lot Darlene. I’m very sorry for your loss

[@acools07]

This is a new concept for me, listening to this, I realize I have so many nurturing barriers. It seems strange to me because many, including myself, see me as a very nurturing person, but I have such a hard time receiving it😭😭😭

[@jeankipper6954]

Oh Dr. Scott. This is an important piece. Well explained. Helpful. And not something I've ever heard before. I have to work on this. Not alone.

[@robertashaffer3950]

Dr. Scott....yup. I have been learning this with my therapist.. So spot on. I appreciate the way you explain things. You tell it like it is; no fluff, straight forward...nothing is complicated. At 62 years young...I still have flashbacks and negative feelings about my family life when I was young...and even older. It has DEFINITELY affected me and the way my life has been going for decades. With the tools I have in my tool box....I am learning to...not avoid...however simply realize that if a thought is not good for me....I let it go. I am working on breaking the chains that are limiting me in my life. Thank you so much for this video. Another winner! (Aren't they all!? :) )

[@MeekaYammi-xo2hr]

It's hard, i think it's got such a tight grip of me, but this time, it's stronger than me

[@aarti9917]

More power to you 🔥

[@douglasmiller1212]

Wow, this really rings true. Doing your exercise, I realized that my ex GF wanted to soothe me after my mom died and I just withdrew, leading her to think our relationship was failing. As a kid, I was raised in a way that love and nurturing seemed to come with a price and partly served as a tool to reinforce parental expectations and conditions. As a result, I flinch at the fear of the price of comfort.

[@midnightcat6116]

I needed this so badly 🙏 The holidays are very difficult time for me. Thank you 🪷

[@christinemccoy4471]

I trusted untill those i trusted for many year took advantage though the years. I trust no one, and have shallow relationships because thats just safe for me. I tell no one about me so it wont be used against me later.

[@donnaanderson7954]

I don't think I've felt loved in years, and I don't remember my last hug. I'm so thankful not to care as much anymore. Numbness is better than feeling.

[@vickykent353]

Wow! 😮 I had no idea. This must be the reason why I can't cry. Just two days ago, I experienced this. I felt choked up looking at photos of my three horses the last time I saw them andtears started to well up in my eyes. I had this split second thought that "Vicky, no. You can't do that" (cry). It stopped. The feeling went away. My thought after that was damn " I want to cry. I need to cry. For the last 15 years or so, my horses have been my sole source for getting up in the morning until I no longer had them to get up for. I spiraled into a deep depression. I'm just beginning to come back to the real world. But this not being able to cry started long, long ago. Probably after my father left and he made it out like it was no big deal that he had ripped my mother's heart out of her chest and destroyed the family. As a matter of fact, the way he told me was by leaving a message at my school to call him, which I did. All he said was that he had moved out of the house today. End of conversation. I went home to find mom gushing tears, which I had never, ever seen her do. I didn't want her to hurt worse by seeing me cry so I didn't, to the best of my recollection. I have never been the same since. 😢 I did cry when she died. I cried a great deal.

[@sitascott8446]

This does make sense. Thanks! Going numb is certainly easier in the short run, but it contributes very negatively in the long run. I realize that both accessing and working through my feelings, are vital to my becoming less depressed and more functional (positive feedback loop there). I have a very hard time accepting genuine praise from others. But if they give it, I should be able to receive it. It helps both of us. Mid 60s, still trying to relate to people. Cats? I'm good with those.

[@genxfree]

Cats are the best! Pure and genuine love ❤

[@catzrule5973]

😺💛

[@pickledherring8759]

Wow, Dr. Scott, this is eye-opening for me, not for myself, but for processing what I went through with the abusive friend I lived with. He tensed up physically when I hugged him and never believed that I loved him. Thank you very much! I wish he would have sought help.😊

[@maiairina7030]

Into my humble opinion and my own experience , when you have no needs met into your childhood , the alternatives are: you can learn to ignore the needs , or into my case , be left with endless cravings for these needs to be met .None of these two alternatives are healthy . You said having no food will make someone to have no cravings for food , but into my case , this food insecurity in the childhood made me to always have a problem with my weight, to eat too much , to buy to much food, to have an obsession, to always have tons of unnecessary food into the fridge, to have a refrigerator full of food or such - i taught myself to stop doing that . Being a child , my parents didnt want to spend money warming the house during the winter , I suffered of cold. As a kid, instead of undressing for bed ,I have been forced to dress up for bed, put a hat on, sweaters, thick pants , thick socks , even gloves and go in bed . Now , I do need excessive warmth into the house during the winter -i taught myself to stop doing that . Into my childhood we have had a schedule of electricity . There have been long hours of no electricity , we used candles . As an adult I can not stay without at least one light open into the house , day or night . The lack of love ,attention, compassion, validation ,admiration , nurturing as a child didnt made me numb , but the opposite , Im craving as much love, attention, compassion etc as I can get . My point is , the lack of any kind of thing into the childhood , have two different ways that affect us as adults : 1 to get numb and feel no need for x,y,z and 2. to get sensitive and obsessed with x,y,z .

[@GingerBiPolarBear]

Wow. Thank you so much for this. I've definitely tried to block my need for someone I can trust and talk to about my emotions and deeper thoughts. I find myself still doing it. Even with my therapist. We sometimes talk about all sorts of silly things because I'm avoiding trusting him with the real stuff. Sometimes when I'm in a crisis that barrier will drop with him or my psychiatrist, but I just put it back up again when I'm okay.

[@Outlawsrevenge1020]

I think for me, good things like praise, or a hug, or attention were very rare. Occasionally my dad would be super nice, and I ended up telling myself, "don't expect that to happen again, because good things don't happen to you." So essentially I learned to not get my hopes up, and be disappointed.

[@BubblGrl]

Definitely valuable. My mum didn’t say “I love you” until I was 25… and I can count on one hand how many times she has says it since (I’m 44). My husband says it all the time and it feels “weird”…weirder still to say it back, I am much more comfortable expressing my emotions through acts of service than words. It’s going to frustrate the crap out of me trying to work out what I am doing to block feeling his love…how I am self-sabotaging - but I will really try to focus inward next time he says it.

[@Dani-ICU-RN]

Say ," ditto " ' u more' 'love u more' ' back at ya' ... if you need to start somewhere I am so sorry that your mom never said it I can't imagine that we don't leave the house or go to bed without saying it but everything is not always warm and fuzzy just because you hear three words so now that you are loved now my husband and my father just both died on the same day last month and I wish I could hear either of them say it❤.. do you ever see the movie ' Ghost' ? Patrick Swayze Demi moore? It sounds cheesy but if your husband understands maybe you can start with just replying 'ditto'❤

[@BubblGrl]

@@Dani-ICU-RN oh I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain you are feeling losing two very important people in your life in such quick succession. I will watch Ghost again. I haven’t seen it since I was a kid. I usually say “I love you too”…I feel like pushing through the discomfort will eventually normalise saying it. Thanks for responding - so sweet of you to care given your current circumstances. Take care of yourself.

[@SimpleSavvy30]

Oh my goodness this is me. My mom never said she loved me or would hug me, one time when I was 15 she came in the bedroom and gave me a hug I asked her why she did that and don’t do it again it felt so weird. My husband is loving and huggy person I actually hate it. I always tell him you know I love you and the kids( which are 38 and 36 now) because I’m always taking care of everything by my actions. I don’t think I will ever like hugs or saying I love you

[@BubblGrl]

@@SimpleSavvy30 I’m sorry you were also deprived of hugs… I did get those from mum. She’s still a big hugger when I see her. They still make me feel safe. But I can definitely relate to what you said. This is definitely what Dr Scott was talking about. We learned to live without these things and now they feel foreign to us. I hope you can find a way to tear down your walls. I’m a proverbial Fort Knox but it’s gotta start with the first brick…

[@nefi_n]

Have you ever heard about the languages of love? There are several books by Gary Chapman covering this topic. Reading them helped me a lot. I used to have this huge overwhelming feeling that my mom doesn't love me enough. That I am not worthy of her time. After reading those books I realized that me and my mom just basically receive and show love in a different way - my mother says it (verbally), but I need people to spend time with me in order to feel loved. So my mom did her best to tell me how she loves me, but I didn't get it because I needed her to play a board game with me, to watch a movie with me, to go for a walk with me... She mostly didn't want to do these things so I felt like "I am not worthy of her time - she doesn't really love me." Now I am more aware of what I need and I can at least try to communicate that. I explained this to my mom and now she actually tries to spend more time with me. And I am not so frustrated with her anymore. It works also in relationships with other people - I simply know what's the trouble and I can do something about it. Even if it's just comforting myself :-) I am not sure if this can be helpful for you, but it has been for me. Take care :-)

[@kathrynarnold1966]

I couldn't cry until my 20s... and even then I had to talk myself into being certain it was the reasonable response to my situation and soak in my misery and, eventually, the tears came. The problem was that I had found the on switch with no idea how to again find the off switch. I cried for years.

[@tedwilson1477]

I dissociated from all my emotions for the first 30 years of my life, thanks to manipulative and emotionally unavailable parents who didnt get on. I unconciously pushed away all intimate relatiopnships with my fear of not being worthy. In my early thirties,, after severe panic attacks for months, as well as GAD and depression, it all eventually exploded out!

[@mikaelneault]

I feel that so much, you are not alone!

[@tedwilson1477]

@@mikaelneault Thanks you brother!

[@robertovz5895]

Thanks so much for this. Such a massive help. I realized that every time someone tries to get close to me there's a resistance in my heart space because I don't believe they care about me or the quality of their love isn't what my expectations are or that they're just going to leave me.. so I go thru life thinking or feeling I don't need anyone. I'm still figuring it out but I feel less resistance now and I remind myself each time that love is possible and people can actually care about you.

[@user-vy6xw5lb5l]

Dr Scott. You are a GOD send. Thank You.

[@anikalee9012]

I learned anxiety is a sign of lack of love and security we lack. The perfectionist is my way of coping which causes me tremendous anxiety. I'm lack of every aspect because of this. The lasted one I feel I can't bring myself to involve in the process of searching for job. I have learned many coping that still don't help. Finally, I know I feel anxiety doing it alone. No one will support me. Then I feel relaxed I'm not alone. Trust The feeling I don't know for such a long time is anxiety that comes from loneliness😢

[@user-vg2bp6zz8b]

Numbness has become my go-to for trying to cope - too much trauma. I like it when I sleep properly or can be busy, then the thoughts slow down.

[@janaretlow8699]

This was really insightful! I think I might have this with friendship and thought it was social anhedonia. But if I understand correctly, the nurturing barrier could cause a feeling of anhedonia, which is actually good news because noticing that barrier seems way more actionable than going up against the extremely vague concept of anhedonia.

[@not-a-cupid-stunt]

It's not a numbness (for me anyway). It's a flat out rejection of anything praiseworthy, as though I don't deserve it. I can tell they're being sincere, yet I push the good stuff away almost as though it's a threat. It's like, hang on, this ISN'T criticism, what the heck do I do now? I'm good enough to be allowed to be happy? Really? You actually mean that?

[@marilyn111111]

This makes so much sense! Thank you so much for also saying that we are ALL let down in some way by the system we grew up in and we are ALL seeking ways to cope with something or other. That levels the field a bit so we don’t feel so isolated thinking others have it so much better. What an excellent video!

[@kitcat9214]

100 percent agreed 👍.

[@Heyu7her3]

I don't feel isolated, I don't want it at all.

[@katherineprice96]

You explain things so well!

[@johnhayes9767]

For me it was very awkward to have a parent who after 40 years apologized for not providing me a safe home environment. Mentally i really wanted to forgive them. However my emotions were numb. Before they passed on I had to override my emotions. Mentally I really wanted them to think that they were forgiven and give them peace before passing. Now ten years later I’m so glad I did put my emotions away during that time. That allow my emotions to catch up with my mental wishes and in return I now have authentic peace that I would never have if I didn’t set aside emotions temporarily ten years ago.

[@natashaadams4060]

This hit home. I know the feeling you are speaking of and I have worked through most of the symptoms and learned to live with a heart wide open. I definitely had a very traumatic filled childhood, so I know I used to react in this way, with a clenching around my chest and heart in particular. Having feelings was unsafe so I learned to hide them until I learned not to have any feelings. No joke. If I had any feelings left by the time I was 17, it was only deep anger. I literally could not cry for 4 years. There are too many examples I could name that showed I had an inability to care about others or myself as a late teen. Since then I have used multiple therapies on myself. I talked about my past with different therapists for a decade and hit a plateau on the help talking could provide. During the time I spent with therapists, but outside of an office and with the help of my fiance at the time, I realized that the barrier placed around my heart seemed like a brick or stone wall encased in barbed wire. So I spent many sessions of just imagining myself uncoiling the barbed wire and then dismantling the wall (sometimes by force with a combat boot outwards away from my body or by exploding outwards). When I noticed a situation where I should feel emotion, I would mentally tell myself it is safe to feel and sometimes work through pushing my shoulders back so my heart is exposed and not clenched. Over time I was able to do these exercises faster until I could imagine the uncoiling of wire and dismantling of the brick wall in real time while telling myself it was safe to feel in the present moment. This took time and repetition and consistency. And I still have to repeat this process when I meet someone new and am learning to trust them and let them into my world. A few other techniques that have helped open my heart: forgiveness by reframing why I was treated poorly by saying they were doing the best they could with the examples they had been given in their childhood and life, and then sitting in meditation and imagining putting all my hurts in a wooden box and placing it in a body of water to let it float away (sometimes imagining God or Jesus or Allah or a safe friend taking the box from you or helping you to release the box is more helpful because I tend to hang on to my hurts). I sat in meditation and imagined I had conversations with my 5 year old self and told her she was safe now and I would keep her safe and take care of her and love her (journaling a letter to your childhood version of yourself instead of meditation is another option). One I started recently is crossing my arms so that my palms are on each bicep and rocking myself and holding myself and rubbing my arms to soothe myself as I tell myself I am ok, I am safe, and I am loved. I have tried countless other techniques but some simply did not work as well for me. One thing I do like to do is after the emotions rise and are released (usually crying for me) I do a technique that small creatures often do and shake off the fear emotions. I think it was a Qigong technique. You just stand and shake your body until you feel silly again 😂 Another good option is just taking a walk. Leave the space and atmosphere you were in and do a mindful walk and finish with a power walk. Exercise will often release emotions but I find that my emotions turn to anger if I am in the gym just after working through some trauma so getting into nature is better for my mental and emotional health. I should probably note that while I say I am able to live a life with a loving and open heart, I have also been working through this for 25 years. For me, it was not just one experience and not just one thing cured me. It is something that I may have to continue to work through the rest of my life. Some days are better than others. But my good days have increased with time and practice and consistency. My children are aware of everything and they speak openly with me when something I do automatically has an adverse affect on them. So in this way they are both aware I have issues that I am working through and are willing to help me work through them, but they are also both teens and nearly grown now and I was not open with them until they were older. I also have been blessed with lifelong friends who care and are able to teach me to care and be a better friend by example. They are aware of my past and one of them was there in my home seeing what I went through as a teen, so they are fully engaged in making sure I become the best version of me. So find a support group, a partner, trustworthy friends, a good therapist who you can be vulnerable with, a pet, anyone you feel you can be open with.

[@vickykent353]

You seem to have really been able to find and then focus on your issues. After I left my first husband and best friend, because I found out he was an alcoholic and that's why I wasn't getting pregnant, I was so angry and hurt because he valued alcohol over me and I felt so betrayed. I have since learned the truth about alcoholism and not having a choice but to drink or surrender. I tried several therapists over the years but seemed to only spin my wheels. Dr. Scott is the first therapist who has really helped me, and I've barely scratched the surface of my mental health issues. I'm 72 and just beginning to even identify a few of my issues. I am really envious of your being able to share this with your children. My son and I are very close, and I share with him what I have found out about myself now that I have found Dr. Scott, but I surely do wish that I could have been able to do this with him years ago when he was a teenager. He has such a good head on his shoulders and thinks things through so well. He's compassionate and caring with himself, which I assure you he didn't get from me or his father (who died today). His father left when my son was less than a month old. They had a great relationship until my son was in his mid to late teens. Then he moved to Mexico and had little to no connection with his son. Instead of focusing on the later years and relationship or lack thereof with his dad, he decided to remember and mourn the dad he originally had versus the sick and estranged dad he had become. Blaine has a great head on his shoulders and a great heart, and he knows himself and acknowledges his attributes and strengths and knows his shortcomings, and acknowledges those as well. He's a fantastic father. I think you are a fantastic mother to do what you do with and for the sake of your children. I truly admire you and (sort of) wish I was your age and had your awareness to pass along to my son as you do with your children. Keep up the great job and work (on yourself) you're doing. I love this phrase: You Go, Girl! ❤

[@natashaadams4060]

@@vickykent353 ❤️ Thank you for this reply! I honestly question whether I am a decent mother nearly daily. But I know I am trying and that's all I can do. I have been shamed for being too honest with my kids and bringing them into the conversations. But I feel that only if they see me work to change and improve myself and grow, only then will they know that they too can change, improve, and grow themselves. I am sorry for the passing of your son's father. My condolences to you and your son and family. It sounds as though you had much more of a beneficial influence on your son than you give yourself credit for. Sometimes we just need to be thankful things turned out well, and forgive ourselves for being human, and tell ourselves that we did the best we could with the tools we had available to us at the time. I know I have failed. I definitely have failed both of my kids. But they see me trying. They communicate with me. And I hope they will continue to communicate with me, give me grace and forgive me for all of my mistakes. My oldest son jokes that I am the queen of failures. But I learn from those failures and I get up and try again, and for that I have earned more respect. It is never too late to improve that about yourself that you wish to change. I think it's amazing that your relationship with your son is so close that you are still able to talk with him about these things. I pray that my children will still open up and talk to me even when they are grown with children of their own. I wish you well in your healing journey. I am very proud of you! ❤️

[@annelbeab8124]

What a wonderful exchange between the two of you above! You both are caring- and I hope and wish you take your kids along but don't impose on them. They will find their own way and that includes having the parents they have and had imprinting on them.

[@vickykent353]

It's amazing to me and rather horrifying that people would shame you for sharing your mental health journey with your children. I think it's important as a parent to share what we as parents learn as our lives progress, especially when it has to do with mental health. Maybe I'll get flack for this, but so be it. I think parents should be able to discipline their children too. I'm not talking about using a strap or switch, but no child ever got scarred from a spanking. I'm digressing, though. If a parent learns how to constructively cope with difficult issues that come along in life, knowing those coping skills would tremendously benefit their children. I wish I had been taught any skills to better handle what life doles out. I certainly would have been a better parent and partner had I had the proverbial toolbox. I handled many issues very badly and later had to make amends to people who bore the brunt of those ill-fated mistakes. Once there done, they're done. No taking them back. I wish I could in many instances. Preparing kids for the world they will eventually live in, to me, is simply good parenting.

[@taralynn7441]

I have been looking for an explanation of what I have been experiencing for my entire life... and here it is. Thank you for this video.

[@DrScottEilers]

Wonderful!

[@bryanmccaffrey4385]

WTF. Been in therapy for years and now a psych student and I had not heard of this yet. Yep, this is me. Self-fulfilling prophecy in relationships.

[@lynnodonnell4764]

I have needed to learn to accept that nurturing and rejection are both to be expected as a normal part of the contium of human behaviors. It IS NEITHER black NOR white, LOTS of grey areas to discover and understand.

[@judisterlynn7896]

I have learned to never take down the walls, pain and misery are too hard to get rid of!

[@gene108]

I’m finding setting myself up for failure bypasses any nurturing barriers that prevent me from accepting praise, because I won’t get any praise.

[@sage503]

I appreciate these videos a lot. In a therapeutic setting youre not able to ask your psychologist about their life, whether they relate to any thing you’re even saying, where they see insufficiencies in the literature, or whether they even believe in the modality they’re implementing. It perpetuates the illusion that suffering is due to personal insufficiency. You are making content that helps bridge this gap. Thankyou.

[@DrScottEilers]

This is actually somewhat of a myth. You can ask such questions and we can answer them. Some of us simply choose not to for whatever reason

[@Heyu7her3]

I don't understand the need/ benefit to know about a therapist's life? They're still human.

[@sage503]

@@Heyu7her3 It’s easy to get trapped in the belief that no one else in the world experiences emotions, especially when your main interactions are all with clinicians. You begin to feel like everything you do is irrational and it can exacerbate the notion that it doesn’t get better

[@DrScottEilers]

@@Heyu7her3 I think people have the right to know who they're listening to.

[@saltiestsiren]

​​@@Heyu7her3 Most people know that fact about all other people, but that knowledge doesn't mean much unless that person opens up a bit, even just sharing one small piece of their past.

[@Xaxtarr_Neonraven]

I wonder how many people can actually recognize when their emotional needs are being met. Too many people seem closed off. I too recognize that in myself. I'm very closed off, and I never knew why. I now can recognize that my accomplishments hardly ever received anything but it's what's expected. Since I closed off my need for feeling recognized, the work became only drudgery or the need to excel exceeded anything attainable except ultimate burn out and failure. Pretty depressing, huh!? I closed myself off to feelings of accomplishment, that's the wall I created for myself; so I only recognize criticism. How sad is that? It's a world of disappointment. Nothing was good enough except what was expected. Why bother? Somehow, I continue on, trying to put together the holes in my life. It's difficult to acknowledge that these holes needn't be solely my fault but my adaptation to an emotional vacuum. Makes sense. TY

[@leosthrivwithautism]

For me I have a fear of affection and love. But that’s only because it was used to poke fun at me when I was young. So today when someone says they love me instantly I shudder and I’m like no. Stop it. Or if they give me a hug I’m like ok stop it. When I achieve something I always feel like I don’t deserve that achievement. When I accomplish something again I feel like I don’t deserve it. And these two stem from the fact of others in the past telling me I’d amount to nothing. I had a really raw and traumatic childhood and today as an adult I suffer from it in so many ways. I’ve tried to work in this for years but it’s hard. And the only way that seems to slowly help is positive re-enforcement. Meaning if I face it and I get an applause that’s a replacement to the negative feeling that used to be associated with said action. I live in fear because of my past and I’ve been unable to replace that fear because there is no substitute for what had happened. It doesn’t help that I’m autistic and suffering with mental conditions. So what I did was accepted this life I live as my normal. And instead of a happy life I just have a life I tolerate. I’ve been to so so many mental health professionals and therapists among other doctors no one has been able to help me find something that works. Unfortunately.

[@deborahbasel184]

As a child I learnt to shut down my feelings. To try not to feel anything. Now at 53, I have spent a few years trying to learn what it is I'm feeling. And to stop shutting down my feelings. It's a tough journey.

[@Kloops]

When I was three years old, my world was my daddy. He brought me joy. Then one day, my dad was forced to leave the home. I wasn’t allowed to go with him. The happy world I knew was gone. It was no more. And then almost as soon as my dad left, my step dad appeared. He was different. He moved in to our home. I did not like him because he was loud. He smelled funny and he didn’t snuggle me like my dad. He wasn’t gentle and soft spoken and patient like my dad was. I treated him horribly. My mom and step dad were together for a long time. And I rarely spoke to him. I did see my dad sometimes. I made it clear that I didn’t want to be around my step dad. Then when I was 15 my mom and stepdad divorced. And that is when it occurred to me what my child brain did when I was three. I realized my feelings were sad. And I didn’t know why because I didn’t like my step dad. And I had to ask why didn’t I like my stepdad? And I believed when I was three years old I subconsciously I guess for self preservation so as not to be so let down or hurt, I couldn’t allow myself to be close to him because if I did so, he would leave. So in my messed up tiny brain thought I had the power to keep someone in my life based on how I felt or how close I was to them. Interesting as my entire life, my mother was a stressed out self absorbed woman. She rarely made me laugh and tickle me and give me the happy feelings. I usually had anxiety around her and my stepdad. I did attach to my mom since she was my only full time biological parent after my dad left. It was not healthy though. Ended up being her parent in my teen years when I would be the rebellious one compared to the other kids/teens. She was the teen and I was the adult. Now, I’m 48 trying to live on my own after a 25 year marriage that failed. So I’m trying to learn how to live an emotionally healthy life.

[@NexViolentus]

Being poor means having to just suck it up and cope. There is a lot of physical and psychological discomfort that I cannot escape so I have no choice but to ignore it as best I can. I cannot ask for help when my few friends are in the same situation and we are all struggling. It is true that hardening up leads to numbness.

[@rubydue]

I am 73 years old. Both my parents had no idea how to give comfort or love to their children. It is hard to blame them as my father was 6 and put into foster care because of a broken marriage (1921) and my Mothers' Mother died when she was 5. (1929) I remember crying and then screaming for attention. They could just step over me. I promised that my children would know love and love each other, I succeeded. Now they have moved on with their own lives and are doing well. I had 2 failed marriages and I don't know how to make friends. I am awkward and uncomfortable which makes people feel uncomfortable, maybe I exude desperation, I don't know. Now I am back to feeling like that love starved child shivering and alone in the dark fearing my own death. "Vanity vanity, all is vanity". Thank you for this video, I understand myself better.

[@heatherwiner2883]

It is not just being numb it is the most awkward and uncomfortable feeling when people try to be comforting.

[@IDontBuyIt50]

I do not do compliments often. Particularly on youtube :) but this guy speaks directly to the inner me like nothing I've experienced. Of course, to be clear, while I identify with a good deal of the issues he talks about, I have no negative childhood experience, just born with few emotions and will always stay baffled by emotional outbursts and emotional decision making.

[@bernadettesjones9142]

I will listen to this over and over again

[@emlijo]

Thank you. I was in this feeling almost whole 2022. Exactly this. And my therapist couldn’t help me. When you said the example of crying with your partner and not being able to take in their support - for me I can’t even cry with my partner because this feeling have already taken over before that. Crying feels like alien to me. When you said the example of someone saying ”I love you” to me, the words ”they don’t mean it” instantly came to my head before you even said it 😩 But for the first time I could feel the tension in my body where this feeling is and I could let it go for a few seconds 😌🙏 I will practice this, hopefully I remember it. Thanks for this video, it came in the exact right time for me.

[@no.5810]

You are quite...brilliant! What you say. How you say it. Its making so much sense for me. I can't thank you enough, but THANK YOU! 😊

[@davemakesmagic]

This was really interesting. I'm getting curious and will be paying attention to any thoughts or physical reactions that happen next time. Thank you. I really enjoy your videos and find your insights and perspectives very helpful. I've already recommended your channel to some friends, too. :) Thanks for doing what you do, man! It's helpful.

[@davidthompson5846]

Thank you for sharing these fantastic insights, Dr. Eilers! So well presented, clear and straight forward. I feel that I get more wisdom and capacity for life's struggles every time I watch one of your videos. Thank you so very much.

[@WisdomWiseWe]

U r chosen one...who having courage to walk down the darkest path..(.other people can't see .)..with lantern..to pave out way for us in case we get down on tht road...we can safely say ..ohh it's u der ...we jus have to follow u..n we will be safe out there

[@sixtoomanycats9769]

Self-sabotage is a bitch. It is extremely difficult for me to ask for help and I have someone in my home who is perfectly capable of helping but I get an attitude half the time so I don't bother to ask. Then I try to do it all myself and end up injuring myself which just makes me more upset. I hesitate to ask because I don't want to get the attitude which will make me feel worse, but there's a lot of times he will help me without any problems. Tonight I needed help and I didn't ask. I do accept the help when I ask and he's okay with it, and then I feel better. Thank you for this video it helps explain a lot about a number of things I struggle with.

[@steph7960]

Growing up in the household I did, my abusive father would destroy everything I achieved, or produced, such as my art. My trophies, pictures, evidence of anything positive he d destroy in one of his rages. As an adult, if anything good or positive comes into my life .more specifically, something ive achieved or done well, i instantly go into self sabotage or freeze mode.

[@joed7691]

This is insightful and resonates for me. I recall telling a therapist years ago I thought I may have Autism for this very reason. He helped me reflect on why he didn’t believe that and I don’t anymore. Dr Gabor Mate also talks a lot about ADHD being a coping mechanism to childhood trauma for the very reason you outline. You can suffer or you can tune it out in order to survive (attention deficit). Your reflections on body language is also insightful. For me it is hunching my shoulders. It would be good to know what I could do beyond identifying this and stopping the block. How do you then nurture the feeling? Is it fake it til you make it? Is it that by allowing the experience in it will just take hold eventually?

[@andrewwarren4206]

It does make sense. Now we try to fix it. Thank you. You help.

[@sfludd]

This was deep. Without going into detail, It made me mentally traverse my life from childhood and understand my choices and "walls" way better. Very helpful. Thank you.

[@ggrace1133]

So interesting how you don’t get emotional needs met so you numb the need, bury the need. But when the same people say or do hurtful things, we let those things come in like a flood that buries us.

[@keokelly7080]

Thank you Dr. Scott. You are a God send and I mean that.

[@LovisaSvensson-iw7wc]

I have a really hard time figuring out if I'm actually emotionally numb or if everyone else also feel the same way I do.

[@tracyzimmerman7912]

I have set up may walls during my childhood. Abuse and neglect of many flavors will do that to you.

[@sivakeerthi4974]

Well pointed out! I was literally thinking "Maybe life wasnt that bad, it is just me who doesn't let the good things in." after being dumped by partner. The thing is I used to like this girl so much. We were kids. The classic thing happened, she didnt reciprocate the feelings. It was hard to accept and dwelling in denial seemed the way for me. I suffered for a period of time and eventually went on with the second option you mentioned: Starting to ignore the need. That seemed a better coping mechanism until i met her again after years. She told me she likes me now. But i wasnt ready for a relationship and i was scared "What if she doesn't? " So, i just jumped into this relationship playing the role of a fearful avoidant. I constantly demanded reassurance from her that she actually loves me and guess what? I kept on pushing her "You deserve better, if you find a better person you should right away opt him, promise me." Ik that was a crock but still I was doing the same. Even though she told me not to say things like these, i didnt bother to. But, she loved me a lot. I mean it. I always claimed "You have your shit together but it was not the case with me , Im not good enough for you." She claimed that the relationship was one-sided and i always keep myself down. Perhaps that was a nurturing barrier developed from the past when i thought i wasnt good enough when she didnt reciprocate the feelings the previous time and that made me push her away and did not value her enough. From the beginning I was expecting this that she would dump me one day or the other. And she did after getting tired off me. It didnt hurt since she honestly deserved better considering the fact that I didnt get my shit together. But there has always been this intuition that it is this nurturing barrier that thwarted me from actually having the relationship i have always wanted. Thank you , if you are still reading. It does get better. I have to work on myself and sort out things i have been struggling with. You will get over this too! Cheers, mate.

[@LuchsLater]

As a child I decided not to cry anymore. It was to much for me, it hurt and didn't have any effect. It worked. Today, when the quivering appears and I get this stone in my chest it takes milliseconds for a police squad to appear in my brain: "Nothing to see here folks, go along, hush hush!"

[@mariagoodey1153]

I have done a bit og therapy in my life, not eonough maybe, cos I have not heaed od alot of the things I have got from your content. I am 65 very soon! Not to late to learn from you. I thank you so much. 😢

[@sanditeale3632]

Oh thank you this explains so much.. I’m 60 and although I had my physical needs met, my parents weren’t emotionally available.. I have not been able to cry , hardly ever.. I know have a counsellor for the 1st time. Appreciated 🙏🏻💗

[@bekahdoug5572]

Because I grew up in a home where physical affection had to be initiated by me (when it was initiated it wasn't denied or awkward) and not by my parents, and my mother abandoned the family for another man...I've always craved it in excess from intimate partners. NOT having that as a child made me so needy for physical affection from my partners.

[@kitcat9214]

Thank you! This makes perfect sense! Just what I've been searching to understand at this exact moment in time in my journey.

[@janicesitzes241]

I read your book! It was very helpful

[@Elysian40772]

I love all your videos, its like you're inside my head.

[@shadowjolteon4201]

makes sense. You always explain things well. Thanks, Doc!

[@attheranch873]

I haven’t heard of this before, thank you

[@clarence_claymore.]

Doing the right thing is thankless , I prefer it that way .

[@cazzez1602]

My numbness has got really bad...i now realize how many years it has been goin on..Dr Scott you make me understand and feel better..i listen to all of your advice.. im 48 and was beginning to feel like my life was over my own Doctor just wanted to give me sertraline i never wanted medication but that seems to be only thing offered so being a rebel i refused medication but have been suffering and isolating myself for years,,i understand now thank u...good luck with your new practice,,u are awesome!!!!!!! Cornwall England...i will read your book too!!!!

[@joanfolds476]

I tend to have a negative bias. So, it's harder to let the good things in. I wasn't physically comforted in my family of origin. I had/have a deep need for words of affirmation and quality time. These needs were not met during my earlier development. I repressed my emotions. Therefore, my emotional centers are definitely numb.

[@sheri6089]

I definitely didn't get very much emotional nurturing as a child (except from my "drama queen" parent who caused constant fights between my parents) and then married someone the same as my parent that didn't respond to emotions. So I have never gotten that so that's where my depression and fear came from!

[@saltiestsiren]

I have had severe depression since I was 14 or 15, and entered treatment right away, but it didn't really help. So I think I numbed out that desperation to feel better. And now the sadness is comfortable and even comforting, although not very much less painful. But good feelings and even just general stability make me feel really anxious. But once I started to figure this out in my 20s therapists and counselors just blamed me lol. I've never met someone else who's become legit afraid of feeling GOOD feelings but apparently it's not that uncommon

[@ClandestineGirl16X]

Thank you, Dr. Scott.

[@batintheattic7293]

Still being constantly reassured that I am only ever going to be used and manipulated. Sometimes, it's almost laughably obvious. A lot of the time it smarts, for a little while, and then I find my composure again. I think I have, in this department, moved away from psychology and into philosophy. I'm trying to be the way I want others to be. Not going to fling those doors open, any more, though. But if you're only ever giving and you come to terms with it - it isn't so bad. However, I really don't want the people who are manipulating me to know that I know (I've had it, too many times, that when people suspect that I'm wise to them they simply redouble their efforts and it can become seriously toxic). That's the really hard part. Keep them at a very specific distance all the time. Not too hot. Not too cold. And it has to go by their individual thermostats - not my central to me one. It would be so much easier to just tell everybody to **** off and leave me alone. I don't consider this damage let alone fixable damage. I'm happy with my invisible barriers. Not everybody is destined to feel understood. I see a lot of you are still suffering pretty intensely. Please, don't follow me into what may come across as nihilism. If you think that what is expressed to you IS genuine, and it's just that you can't handle it the way you think you should, don't harden yourselves up any more than is absolutely necessary. If you think you have a chance of being genuinely understood, with no negotiations sneaked into it, go for it. It might be quite nice.

[@user-jl3xw5hy2f]

Thank you, have a great day!!

[@janetklumper6048]

Thank you Scott, this is helpful

[@jeffwells-nt4pl]

Thanks Doc.. Good talk.

[@virginiataylor2850]

It totally makes sense. Thank you.

[@arlene7053]

You explained it perfectly.ty ivneeded this.

[@lynna3957]

I wish you would talk about mindless eating or eating when your not hungry. In other words running to food for your comfort. Thank you

[@susans3996]

This explains a lot! Thanks.

[@user-mf4oq2vv1o]

This makes sense for me, thank you.

[@jerseattle0722]

Ty for posting this

[@joannejoma3223]

You are helping so many people…

[@bjft12]

Totally makes sense for me.

[@carolburnett190]

I wonder if this is why I have never quite gotten the “nurture the inner child” thing. I nurtured my children but I certainly can’t do it for myself.

[@villalobosregina]

My dad was killed when I was 4. I did my best to try and date, got engaged, then screwed over by many men, so now I just look the other way with men I can’t bring myself to ever admit I’d like that type of contact in any way. I cannot receive or be open to that kind of “love”. I’m 34 and my dating life has been over for years. 9:06

[@user-onyoutube868]

Looking forward to this!