Transgender Dilemma: Family vs. Authenticity!

Explore the complex dynamics of gender dysphoria, family relationships, and personal authenticity in this insightful video. A gender specialist discusses the potential consequences when transgender adults sacrifice their identity for family acceptance.
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Hello Friends! I'm Dr Z, and this is a channel where I help you break free from dysphoria!
I am a clinical psychologist specializing in the transgender field, working with adults only. For the past 18 years, my work has focused on Gender Dysphoria and the formation of gender identity. I provide online therapy for residents of California, New York, Texas, and Florida. My pronouns are she/her, and you can visit my website for more info at drzphd.com/abo...
👉NOTE: I work solely with adults, and all video content is marked for adults only. As such, the information shared is based on my experience working with adults only.
DISCLAIMER: Note that as a clinical psychologist, I created this channel to share information. Therefore, I won't be providing or offering therapeutic advice. I am also not a medical doctor. When I speak on medical issues such as hormones or surgical procedures, the goal is to share information and not to provide medical advice, and you should always consult with your medical doctor. Additionally, this channel is for those seeking information and understanding and to gain awareness.
#gender #genderdysphoria #transgender #nonbinary #genderidentity #gendertransition #gendertherapist #transhealth #transgenderwomen #transmann #enby #hormones #dysphoria #selfhelp #transformation

[@BeckiLynn_N]

Dr Z, I wish you would stop describing my life. It's both comforting and disturbing at the same time. I'm so glad you are here to support us.

[@mllecamill3]

Honestly, authenticity and my life are the most important. I am 43 years old and will finally get my diagnosis at the end of this month, and I can start HRT soon once I find an endocrinologist. I told my mother that I am transgender and what I plan to do, and she seems to have a hard time understanding or accepting it. At the end of the day, that's not my problem, and I will do what I have to do.

[@MsChristyCox]

My mother didn't take it well either. I'm sorry. Maybe she will come around when she sees your joy . 🏳️‍⚧️❤

[@dog8068]

Coming out to family is the only thing holding me back from starting ftm HRT. This actually helped me realize I was really trans and not just “having a phase”, because I realized one of the only cons of transitioning I could come up with was my parents might not support/love me anymore. I love them, but I also rely on them so much still. I need to make sure I’m in a secure position first in case I lose them. I’m single with no children. I can’t imagine the pressures closeted transgender parents have to face

[@Lemonadeturnblue]

I just started my transition. I feel like they are sad even angry but that's okay for me because I do it for myself. I have always felt that from so long so I don't care even I hope support I have not. Their okay but i feel their not okay totaly. I accept that even i'm angry they couldnt understand. They dont share their feeling. My dad think i will maybe changed my mind but no never ever. I felt so much sad that i wanted take the name of my dad as a second name but thats a sacrifice. Maybe they will leaving me im not good w that but i have myself and psy support. Got no friends but i will survive because when you know yourself you feel stronger. Take care. ❤

[@dog8068]

@@Lemonadeturnblue Good luck to you too! ❤️

[@Lemonadeturnblue]

@@dog8068 you too ✨️❤️

[@Preciouspink]

My family has supported me through my transition for two years, but I feel our conversations often miss the mark. Once they got past the initial shock, they accepted me, but I believe their acceptance is more pragmatic than fully understanding my experience. They don’t have examples of mental illness in our family, which led them to misinterpret my journey. Instead of becoming allies, they sometimes view my transition through a lens of misunderstanding, thinking I'm mentally disturbed rather than seeing the real benefits to my well-being. If you’re in a similar situation, be cautious. Acceptance can come with underlying prejudices. I’ve lived feeling wrong for decades, and despite positive changes in my life, I still sense that my family hasn’t truly grasped my identity. It’s tough when you realize that telling your story might not change their views. I wonder what the best way forward is when significant misunderstandings are at play."

[@time4clocks]

Dr. Jamie made a nice video trying to explain to a cis person what it is like to be transgender. It might be helpful. The full title is Transgender Psychiatrist Answers: "What is it like being transgender?" if you want to see it. I don't think links are allowed here. I think that since your family does support and accept you, that is pretty good even though they may not fully understand you. Some people just get totally cut off. I think also just presenting yourself as a loving person, supporting them, being helpful, polite, compassionate and caring will go a long way towards how they think of you. They may not fully "get" you, but when they can't deny what a great person you are in how you treat people, that goes a long long way. 🌷🌷

[@Preciouspink]

@@time4clocks I will watch rewatch it . A comment shared on that video with Dr Jame’ was deleted. I was able to make stand my comment today,with Dr. Z and you replied,thanks, and thank you Chat GPT.

[@time4clocks]

@@Preciouspink I tried to explain it to a transphobe and used a variation of her talk. "It is like you, if you are male, waking up to find yourself in a female body. In your mind you still think of yourself as male. You don't feel comfortable in the female body or in dresses, so you dress and act more masculine, which feels more like your true self, and it makes you happy. Then you start testosterone treatment and feel more and more like who you inside, male, shaving, muscular, deep voice, etc. You will never be a "biological male", but you are living your identity as male because in your brain you see yourself as male, that makes you happy. Well, it is the same biological male that identifies as female "inside". The body doesn't feel right, but every step taken towards being feminine just feels so right and not taking that step is daily pain. So, doing everything possible, making the outside to match the identity you see yourself as on the inside makes you more and more comfortable. It just feels right and it feels like you." Don't know if that would help a person understand but that's the best I can do. 🏳‍⚧

[@josephbelisle5792]

Well spoken.

[@maddiesaoirse]

It still amazes me how precise you are, Dr Z, in describing the experiences that so many of us go through. Everything that you talked about was exactly how things went down for me. I tried to suppress how I felt. It made me even more emotionally remote and inaccessible and checked out then I was before. I tried to alleviate that with occasional feminizing, and that only became more painful. I had a spouse who did give the ultimatum that if I wanted to transition our marriage would end. And because of that, and the fear of coming out as trans, I struggled for 3 years trying to keep all of this in check. That almost led to a suicide attempt. If it had not been for my wife, who was very worried for me at the time, reading my diary, I'm not sure I'd be here to type these words. But through that journal entry that she read, she did come to understand how devastating it is to try to suppress a transgender identity. How impossible it is to live a gender that is not yours. And with that understanding the decision to transition was made. It has been a journey for both of us. I always tell people who are in a marriage that if you are going to transition within a marriage so is your spouse. We have learned how to be emotionally mature. We've learned how to be honest and truthful with ourselves and with each other, and to take responsibility for our words and actions. It has not been an easy journey, and I suspect there will be more challenges ahead. But we are prepared for that. Our intimacy has been difficult, particularly sexually, as it has been for most of our time together. But we are much more physically affectionate with each other than we ever had been in our 24 years together. We hold each other, hug each other multiple times a day. When I reach out for her hand she holds it tight. And I do the same. We support each other in a way that we have never been able to do before. She's told me on several occasions that she very much loves the person who I have allowed myself to be now, and that quite frankly she was almost ready to end our relationship before due to how emotionally absent I was. Transition is really fucking hard. It's hard for the person going through it, it's hard for those around them. But with love, honesty, and at times sheer tenacity, it can lead to a very beautiful thing.

[@MajikMcCullar]

I definitely had the mindset of sacrificing myself for years. My logic was that it was better for me so suffer rather than inconvenience those I cared about. When I finally told my now ex-wife about my being trans she immediately ended our 12 year marriage and asked me to moved out regardless of whether or not I actually transitioned. I was doing little things to "take the edge off" that had gone unnoticed (she told me as such). When the rest of family found out, I was accused of being selfish, hurting my children, destroying the family, ruining my life, and taking the "easy way out." Fast forward almost 3 years later and my children are supportive and I'm doing better in life (professionally, financially, spiritually, physically, & mentally) than I ever was before I transitioned. I do miss my family, but it was there decision to walk out of my life. Thankfully, I met some awesome folks over then years that are supportive. I still have a long way to go, but I smile when I see my reflection and that is a gift.

[@MireilleElise-g4k]

Here is my spiritual perspective: You chose this path before you were born. You are a hidden gift to those family members and those around you. Here's why: When you go through your transition, you are providing everyone else around you with an opportunity to express unconditional love. They may not realize it at all, but that is exactly what it is. Here's an example: You come across a homeless person on the street. They don't ask you for food or money. You have a choice to either buy them a lunch or not. You have a choice to give them some money or not. They are there for a reason: to give you an opportunity to express unconditional love. It is the OPPORTUNITY that you are providing for them. Don't cheat them out of that opportunity. Thank you for the video Dr. Z.

[@Lemonadeturnblue]

Yes and to let people find themselves too. 😊❤

[@mythornshaveroses6472]

I wouldn't describe my experience as a sacrifice. I think of it as a moral obligation to ensure my children have as normal of a life as possible, while also trying to be as true to myself as I can. My transition to feel better about my gender is not more important to me than they are. I would say they equally hold a place in my heart and that I am doing everything in my power to maintain the feeling that I am honoring both myself and family. You don't have to tell everyone that you are trans in order to live more authentically. You just have to decide what is best for your own situation and do that. If someone gets mad at you for it, then that's their problem.

[@rickhartke3834]

I would totally agree with you, my obligation to family and children first, it would scare them personally I think if they knew and I know their thoughts about trans issues from conversations they have told me on subject. In addition holding family together I’d rather do this on my own accord vs loses them all. I have a large christian conservative family so basically the shock to them would basically push me away from them and in my eyes not worth it to me. I’m still a very loving supportive father and would help in any manner possible. So I deal with this issue as best as can on my turf. After 40 yrs so far so good, rough at times but doable.

[@petermaurer2426]

You can’t expect people to love you if you don’t love yourself. If you love yourself, it allows you to genuinely love to others.

[@Lemonadeturnblue]

Real!

[@rachelish5319]

I have faced repeated ultimatums over the five years since coming out to my wive of more than 30 years, and each time I've chosen to sacrifice my health and well-being to avoid the risk of harming those close to me, especially my children. It hasn't worked, there is no intimacy, only a growing resentment for both of us. My physical health has suffered too. I spend my days imagining the future I could have if I took control of the situation and addressed my needs, but when I get to the point of making this decision my courage fails me, and I persuade myself once again that everyone is better off if no-one knows what's really going on. This video, of all of yours that I've watched over the years really spells out what I'm doing, and that it can't continue.

[@rubyredlotus]

6:38 as a trans person I totally agree with the point your making and I'm currently working through my own contradictions (in family) this way, but I wanted to note that sadly there is also a phenomenon of the partners of people who are diagnosed with cancer or other disabling diseases leaving when they find out about the diagnosis.

[@BridgetMinton]

By the time I was a freshman in high school I understood that I am a woman but didn't have any person that I trusted enough to discuss my issues with. I started dealing with what would be clearly labeled today as emotional, physical, and sexual abuse at 5 years old because of gender dysphoria, from both peers and adults including my father.

[@expattyNZ]

Just accepting myself sends visceral waves of gender euphoria through my body. May this continue (except with a bit more control because melting into a pool of euphoria at work isn't always ideal 😂)

[@angelsweethart9985]

Dearest Dr. Z. Thank you again, for that which you share with so much love and compassion. In having had the privilege to witness most of your episodes, your emotion, tone and demeanor in this, the most sensitive of subjects, was more than palpable, thank you. I thought I had escaped your suggestion of triggering in this episode, that was until the finale of 'Compromise'. The reality of the ebb and flow of compromise, is tantamount to masochism, wherein sacrifice I find stability. I know not what my future holds, yet each time I see you, I find hope. Thank you so very much Angel ♥

[@geekincoder6435]

I really didn’t expect getting triggered by this! I’m late 40s and lived my whole life in denial through fear. The primary factor of my denial was influenced by my parents. As a child, I displayed telltale signs of a feminine personality that my dad didn’t approve of. So, he would ‘encourage’ me to do more boyish things, which I hated. As a young adult he would begin pester me with phrases like, “haven’t you got a girlfriend yet?”, “what’s wrong with you?” to the point I used to respond with a lie just to ‘shut him up’. I’ve never felt I was in the right body, but have continued living to other’s expectations - which is both damaging and emotionally draining. And now married with kids, I’m at a stage of regret and guilt for not acknowledging and working on my dysphoria. But society was so much different between the 80s and early 00s from how it is today. And I am now working on accepting my true-self. It’s freaking the life out of me!

[@nissutobor9078]

Tbh, I wish I had seen this video a year ago. I don't think it would have saved my marriage, but it would have saved a lot of emotional labor in the long run. But we essentially worked through all of these realizations in the past year. When I came out to my wife, I had already thought of myself as sacrificing for the relationship for 12 years. When really, I was just avoiding my fear of abandonment. She asked me to wait 15 years, until the kids were both 18. And I told her that I couldn't do that, because I didn't want to resent her. Ultimately, I started hormones a few months later, and she became resentful of me, as I became resentful of her for expecting me to stay in the closet. That went on for another 10 months, and just as I had come out to her on my 34th bday, she broke up with me on my 35th bday. Which was about two weeks ago. And it really hurts, a lot. Even though I know it was for the best.

[@IAmNumber4000]

Very insightful as always!

[@shellyjohnson4385]

These are such wise words and I really wish you'd done this video about 30 years ago! 😀 It was definitely very triggering and really hope it helps others - you describe the resentment and dissociation perfectly from what I went through with my ex partner and kids, and makes me feel so sad.

[@DavinaHader]

It’s very nice to finally hear someone reputable describe what I went through over twenty years ago, with having very little in the way of resources that could confirm my credibility back then. My family and children just called me crazy and eventually going our separate ways. I found out I was actually born with an intersex condition, which made sense why I always may have seen different to them. I had corrective surgery during that time and now consider myself a complete woman. I have a new spouse of almost 10 years and her son, now an adult, has accepted me with open arms. I tried many times to reconnect with my children from my past life, but they seem to think I’m still crazy and even though they’re all adults, won’t have anything to do with me. Regrets… no not really, it was a different time back then and being different only complicated life. After I left to live as myself, I was very involved politically and actually over the course of many years helped get a bill passed in Ontario, Canada that affirmed trans and gender human rights into law. We even took this to a federal level and eventually got it passed. I was even awarded the Queen,s Jubilee Medal in 2012 for all the work I did for the LGBTQ community. 😊

[@Late70sRocker]

Thank you for the video Dr. Z. This is a tough issue and the very extreme. I could write a whole book about my internalized t, fears of separation and worst of all, fear of myself. I could not have the time or space to give you my story and background, one that is quite dark and nihilistic. Resentment is indeed huge (that would be two large chapters in my Bio). Paranoia has developed from this too with the fear of myself and had to microdose my HRT and wondering if my TIA I had last year was caused by fluctuations in my hormones. I have a wife of 23 years, known for 40 and am the atypical husband who doesn’t want to disappoint. I’m codependent, adult-child- addicted to people pleasing. I’m resuming my gender therapy at the end of this month and resuming contact within the trans community.

[@ebonyatropus7367]

A lot of this I was in tears, as there continues to be this pain in my life. My wife knows that I struggle so much with this, and has come to terms with me being on hormones, which I have been on for 2 years now, but still is very much against me getting surgeries, despite me very desperately wanting them and continuing to feel incomplete. I've spent most of this year in deep depression, I rarely sleep at night, I've phoned hotlines to stay alive, I burst into tears multiple times a day, and she knows this, but still has given the ultimatum on surgeries, on getting bottom surgery, or on changing my face....... and I don't know what to do 😥 Those are both really important to me

[@jonahyakunin5490]

I really needed to hear this. Coming out to my wife and transitioning was one of the most difficult things to experience for me. I felt I was left with two choices, one where I would maintain all of my existing relationships and life while 'sacrificing' my own health. Or, be open and embrace myself and lose those existing relationships, and recreate my life. I chose the latter, and it's been the best choice I ever made. But, given i have a young daughter it feels like my choosing my own health came with a significant cost. It feels like a sacrifice regardless.

[@Josh-vc2ul]

My youngest sees it as still the same loving parent only with a different in-game avatar or 'skin'. :)

[@RachelFixedIt]

So true; all of it!!

[@Josh-vc2ul]

My spouse and I agreed in the end that we're not just roles to each other that anyone decent could step in and fill as an adequate replacement. We're irreplaceable to each other. A lot of cis hetero couples lose sexual attraction for a variety of reasons, some physical on one or both sides, sometimes as a result of loss of friendship, respect, trust..there are a lot of ways marriages can die due to loss of physical functions and/or emotional connection and that's par for the course for everyone. Sometimes in a cis hetero relationship a woman past a certain age loses certain feminine charms or a man past a certain age loses masculine ones and nobody's to blame. Well, we have the same clothes to get glad in :) so far, and by that I mean several years into transition and decades of marriage, we have challenges to cope with for intimacy. Same as a lot of old marrieds except instead from different causes. But we prefer to continue finding ways to accommodate one another even including role-play which isn't even uncmon for cis/het couples when the intimate dynamic needs a boost. The important thing is that it's not one-sided and each of us is willing to give as well as receive. Pamper the other this time and be pampered, next time. If we survive long enough it won't much matter what each of us looks like anyway. 😂

[@amohap821]

Im 27 and single but im still sacrificing for my parents. I know they wont accept my desire to transition and because I have cancer its hard to get on my feet and move out.

[@Katz_fpvchannel]

The only family i have left is my grandma aunt and uncle. They will not accept me tho. They dont live close but I dont even want to tell them. Im thinking about just abandoning it all together. I never hear from them anyways unless I call them as it is.

[@toddandrews9829]

Been there,done that. Six years since the divorce and still realizing things like this. Doing electrolysis and therapy for two years now and feel better but just now starting to recognize how I affected everyone else in my life.😔

[@Late70sRocker]

I hope you are able to find support and get some relief.

[@chrislevant817]

It was 1995,I'd just had my 1st interview with the Portland(later the Tavistock) clinic in London. My dad,in Newcastle,had a stroke, and my mum couldn't cope. I ultimately thought it was more feminine to look after my folks than pursue my "selfish " dreams of transitioning anyway. As you can see from my photo, not bad for nigh on 70. 26:25

[@DerekJackson-e7j]

For those who know they have gender dysphoria but not sure if they want to transition plz relisten to 17:14 PERFECT explanation of what happens if you stay suffering. For me it was: How can you even dare stand up for your boundaries, values, and what you believe in when you can' t even be honest with yourself and what you want

[@jezstone8721]

Love your videos. I am just starting my journey late in life and full of fear and uncertainty as well as very strong internal feminine feelings. I realise that I don’t want to just dress and look like a woman but I want to be a woman completely. I’d be very interested to learn more about micro dosing hormones as a way of starting my journey

[@ArquiVeo]

I have an appointment with a psycologist at the transgender unit in Spain, i am 39 years old and have just made the decition to start hormones. It is never too late

[@elsiemaep20]

I deeply wish my ex-wife would've had the guts to say she couldn't be with me through transition. It would've been so much more loving. Instead she stayed, grew resentment, and cheated on me for years before I found out. If she'd parted ways with authenticity I wouldn't have lost my life-long best friend too.

[@MrMonoposon]

I almost made the same mistake...

[@Josh-vc2ul]

Sometimes the spouse thinks they can cope and adapt, from a hypothetical standpoint, only to find it much different from how they thought it would be, further in. Not sure if this was your situation, but it happens a lot.

[@elsiemaep20]

@Josh-vc2ul Yes that was part of it in the beginning, and I've seen that happen with other friends. In this case though it developed into years of deception and completely checking out of the family, including our kids.

[@charlieb6210]

i know the main relationship you are talking about is an intimate partnership, but i feel sad thinking about what i am experiencing having moved back to take care of my dad who has dementia. my mom doesn’t want to confuse and frustrate my dad so they all call me by the name i have hated all my life and refer to me as he/him when referring to me in my presence. i live with them and it’s a daily experience and depressing. i know they love me and i love them but it just feels so much worse since i started transitioning 18 months ago. i don’t know how long my father will live so i don’t know when this will end.

[@liquidintegrity]

It hurts to watch this video.. But it’s true

[@richardmanguse6022]

The video is twenty years too late for me. I took the ultimatum. The relationship slowly decayed. Compromises fell apart. The kids made it to adulthood. I started to transition. I’ve been rethinking my decision from long ago. I should’ve made the split. It’s been several years now with a therapist undoing some of my poor coping skills.

[@GuangkaZ]

😢

[@tremowen8598]

I`m not going to say I`m triggered, but I don't totally agree. Maybe you have told your significant other you have dysphoria, but maybe too you have decided transition is not worthy for whatever reason, whether it is not being sure, financial, societal, religious or familiar, you name it, so you know you are going to stay in your assigned gender at birth, and you have been open with your partner about it. It is true there is a chance that a more fulfilling way of living can exist, but this is not about perfection, it is about balance, I think. Also cis people decide to stay in not fulfilling relationships for the sake of their kids, ideal situation? Maybe not, but not trans-exclusive and respectable

[@josephbelisle5792]

Triggered? Yes. Sigh. Because of my CPTSD and to some extent my being trans, i never married and have no children. Im closest to my siblings whom universally believe that being trans is bad. Different reasons. Same conclusion. As time goes on I am realizing more and more that I am willing to sacrifice their acceptance because it is conditional acceptance. Only if I am what they are willing to accept. I made many sacrifices for all them throughout the years in many ways. I took care of our toxic parents when none of them had the will, mental or emotional capacity to do so. It cost me a lot. Now its becoming clear that if they cannot love and accept me for who I am, then they dont really deserve me. It is really a one sided relationship with them. I cannot let them influence me away from my happiness. Each time I become more clear on who I am, I understand how miserable I have been and how wonderful it would be to be me. Im still not sure yet what I will do, but I keep finding myself more confident in becoming what makes me happy. Thanks again for another great video. No one of any measure of love would want to keep you miserable for their own sake. That is not love.

[@colmonhs]

🙌🙌

[@TiffanieLondon]

My parents abandoned me when I was like a little child I'm 31 now and I didnt start my transition until 25 my parents still abandoning me it's like they already knew before i did they don't even know what I'm doing all together some parents are just bad parents whether u transition or not that's not our fault that's there's

[@TheKyrsisForever]

i hate how perfectly this describes me man… @-@

[@DrayseSchneider]

For the longest time, I kept it mostly to myself. Often "hoping that it would disappear." Should I have acted more in line with what I told my ex I was, despite her insistence that each time I brought it up, it was "the first time?" Or should have started living out loud despite noises about limiting access to my kids if I told them? In hindsight, I probably should have done both of those things from the start. I knew my kids would not, and they weren't, bothered by it. But I used my ex as an excuse for a long time to "try harder" at being cis. Even holding off until the court date for the divorce hearing was finalized before I started social transition though I had largely made up my mind a few years before.

[@Preciouspink]

You did it,that is when things changed,yes?

[@DrayseSchneider]

@@Preciouspink Absolutely things did, and mostly for the better. Transition is not a panacea, but in the areas where living authentically and having the correct hormones can affect things, it did wonders.

[@claytonclark1031]

Often the sad fact is family are not willing to make the same sacrifices for you.

[@jimiwills]

😬

[@Chloedawnknauer]

If relationships where that easy

[@boomdelted]

They are my dear fellow human, stop acting like there's only one fit in your life and it is magically living in your area.... Health of your counter partner and true acceptance is love, if the partner is not able to give that is there love? Or are u living anothers lie Edit: don't see my directness as an offense I am only provoking the thought where your viewpoint has to be anchored onto