DURHAM FOR 2 DAYS - UNI, SHOPPING + LOTS OF GOOD FOOD

[@inespires4127]

Elzani i went to uni at 24! If you wanna go, you can, but recover first so you can be strong enouth for it and / or for everything else you wanna do. Its possible! :)

[@jakiazhhabzgstaruiszjjzg3165]

Yes she have to first be in a strong place in her recorvery before living alone ... ED loves lonliness

[@CoffeeMonkey17]

I went to uni just before my 21st birthday, you're really not too old at all!

[@natalier1476]

Yes!!! I made the mistake of going when I was unwell and got nowhere and possibly making my issues worse. I'm well and on my way to graduating at 26. Nothing wrong with that 😍

[@christinesmith193]

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[@christinesmith193]

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[@lolapoggg2037]

Satara is incredibly mature for her years, such a sweet person xx

[@jadeperreault6313]

I started uni at 23, no one is ever too old too start uni! But please recover before going to uni! :)

[@charlieissobored]

Hey, thank you I needed that. I'm 20 and started uni, and I failed first semestre because of my mental illnesses, so I'm not passing in second year and have to do it all over again. I felt like I wasted so much time but then I realised that it's okay. Time doesn't matter. You matter.

[@lailabinhussain6229]

I finished uni at 23

[@dragonfly9821]

@@charlieissobored When I was doing my BA we had people who were 24/25. With MA, one of the ladies was around 40. Your age doesn't matter, you can do it anytime you want and find the strength to do so :)

[@Hazeydaze92]

I had a lady that was 38, and she fitted in great with everyone, she was probably my fave person in my class! And went on to do amazing things afterwards. It's NEVER too late to do anything.

[@nikkidrumm9745]

Elzani u have no idea how much I look forward to ur videos. U are never too old to do anything. I became a dance company member at the age of 41 and studied ballet, pointe, tap, jazz and contemporary. I also just started nursing school this year and I’m now 44! You’re never too old to accomplish your dreams. Keep pushing forward sweet baby girl. You’ve got this!

[@dianab9000]

What a lovely, inspiring comment! Thank you for sharing. D xx

[@panagiotadrakontaeidi7624]

Elzani listen to ur dad and mum at the end!They re sooo rightt..you can beat this and you areee normal..its just that you struggle more than other around you due to the dark thoughts that wants you unhappy and dead!Dont worry about what others think dont worry about more or less...just eat what you crave and LIVE!Be happy and grateful for every day thats passing and you are waking up looking up to the sky and the sun having your family and do what makes you happy...whether thats eating sleeping going walks drawing or playing with the dogs or ur family!LIVE!

[@MadisonTiahn]

My love, there is no such thing as real recovery - there is just recovery. And recovery involves fighting your thoughts every single day, not once every few days. If someone is sick they don’t take their medicine every few days. They have it everyday until they get better. Your/our medicine is food. You need to be eating in a surplus every single day - until you are healthy. You can and you will. Sending love. X

[@SELVIA60]

Madison Killer omg we watch the exact same things

[@MadisonTiahn]

Selvana Hassan great minds think alike. 😘

[@SELVIA60]

Madison Killer haha💕💕

[@ArtBySoup]

Hey Elzani! I see that you’re trying more, especially with eating that whole pizza and dessert, however it looks like you’re still really not eating enough. In recovery, especially when you’re as underweight as you are, you need to do more then have one big meal a day. That dinner meal should have been all three of your meals. For your sandwiches you need to be eating more than your sister and mother, like two of those sandwiches. If that’s too hard to up your calories try adding, chips or crisps to your meal, as well as some fruit/veg. I hope I’m not too critical, because I’m honestly trying to make sure you get healthy and happy in your recovery. Two more things I would recommend which are definitely going to be hard to you are taking bites before your mother and sister/before saying anything about the food. the other thing would be try taking bigger bites because you tend to take very small ones. I really hope this helps and didn’t come off mean. Also [Edit] I’m really proud of your for opening up to all of us, and you have our support (:

[@celestialudenberg6966]

Additionally to if she isn't able to eat more She could drink protein shakes either mixed by herself or bought (like ensure or nutricia)

[@ArtBySoup]

Celestia Ludenberg oh yes I was going to mention she should definitely be having ensures if she is only eating the amounts like others! You’re so right (:

[@Roos8891]

I agree with this comment. Your portion sizes at meal times would need to be bigger to gain weight. This is why it can be sometimes difficult to do it outside of hospital as you are constantly having to eat more than everyone else and it can make the ED thoughts really difficult. But don’t let that dishearten you as it is possible too if you are determined! Do you see a dietician? Maybe they could support with a plan to gain weight? Also I really feel that gaining weight isn’t going to suddenly make everything better and recovery will only work best with psychological help along side so you don’t revert back to old coping mechanisms. I just want to see you get better yes but also STAY better and not let this disorder ruin your life. I’m 30 and still struggle with thoughts and honestly feel like I’ve wasted my life to this. Don’t let it ruin your life you can do this! Xx

[@renatoamaral7719]

Yup^^

[@evewright1477]

Can you please do a video on Alisha picking your food for the day ? Also keep challenging yourself ! X

[@emsmith8943]

Eve Wright I would wanna see that for sure

[@alaniisabel9361]

Eve Wright yes would love this !

[@AngelicasRecovery]

Eve Wright I would love that

[@mia.nxlson1494]

She did do sisters choose what I eat for the day x

[@evewright1477]

mia.nxlson Satara chose though, I think it would be good for Alisha to do it

[@hippymama100]

With love, I'd like to point out something I noticed. I noticed it because I do it too! I have black and white thinking. Something's either amazing and perfect, or its a complete catastrophe. If you MUST have everything perfect and amazing, life will be unbearably painful for you, because life isn't that way. We must learn a way to be ok with life's up and downs. We have to learn to cope with that. I think that your ED is, in part, you withdrawing from life to keep from facing the reality that it isn't always safe, comfortable and perfect. And also it's a way for you to feel more in control. I really think therapy will help with the mental side of all of it! Regardless, I'm watching, and hoping you do recover.

[@onlyme7308]

JazzBabe 1982 absolutely. I used to think totally black and white, all or nothing. It’s a massive trigger for sabotage. I did so much research into how to change it and work with gratitude and acceptance and even though I still have a tendency to do it, life has become so much more peaceful because I can accept the best of any situation and live life in the grey area too. It’s a sage point. X

[@AnoukMali7899]

JazzBabe 1982 wisely spoken!

[@MsLaurenize]

Such a good comment.

[@ohwellwhateverr]

This is very true. Elzani seems like a lovely, sweet-natured girl, but it's shocking to me that she's the same age as me. She has the mannerisms and speech of a preteen, and seems much less mature than her 14 and 18 year old sisters. I wonder whether her ED is a symptom of a greater phobia of growing up and becoming independent.

[@allisonlacey9964]

Elizani, let me tell you something from someone who was exactly where you are now, 23 years ago!!! I am 45 and am totally recovered. I had to accept that I needed to eat uncomfortable amounts of food and sit with it, I had to accept that I had to drink ensures/fortisips as well as all my food and sit with it. It goes against everything my anorexic brain was telling me to do. Those thoughts are so prevalent for you at the moment because you aren’t physically or mentally strong enough to ignore them. However I was the same until I got to a weight where I was stronger. To do that I made a rule that I do need to eat six substantial meals a day and I do need to drink supplements and those became my non-negotiable rules AND I had to sit with that feeling of fullness AND I had to use different forms of distraction to counter act the Anorexia voice. I was 35 when I studied Bachelor of Nursing and graduated with Distinction and have been working in Cardiac Critical Care ever since. There is no rule about when you need to study or if you want to study - that beautiful Elzani, is a decision for the future, not now. Keep fight the good fight sweet xxxxx

[@rachelpowell2338]

I am 30 years old and have just been placed on the hip replacement list due to oesteoperosis! years of abuse and destruction because i gave into my ED, I can never regain that, please dont let yourself face the same fate!! you have the chance to make change!! i beg you!! you do not want to live with daily pain, i wish i could walk without pain, to be able to run and live without pain! now my only option to live without pian is to have surgery and a metal hip!!! there is more to life, no need to prove yourself to anyone!! xx

[@jessmilton2595]

Glad to see you happy. In terms of eating, as you're in recovery and incredibly skinny. Eating a normal meal isn't going to push you, you have to eat more than everyone else x you got this

[@hannahlinstead8323]

Dont be so down on yourself. It's okay, to get anxious, and be a little annoying. You're not ruining anything, because you say what you feel, and they tell you if your logic is normal, and if it's not healthy logic they tell you. You're getting pretty good at getting over it pretty quickly, and giving it a go. Could you do better? Yeah you could, and I think you know that. Which is why you're listening to your sister, when she has something constructive to say, even if it takes a bit of a heated discussion to get there. It's okay to struggle. Don't let the struggle, and those emotions get in the way of your recovery. Reflecting is good, just try not to get too down on yourself about it

[@emilywilliams3385]

I wasn’t so sure about your dad but actually HE’s A VERY WISE MAN take heed and listen your sister is passionate about your recovery, anorexia has tried to tell you many times already that you don’t like certain foods etc, it will edge away chip away little bits so it can have you in its grasp, be wise, be one step forward always

[@alexjones9763]

I’m 30 and still have no clue what I’m meant to do in life so please don’t worry about that. Things will slot into place in time. You are doing so much good at the moment - you may not realise it but you are helping a whole community on KZbin. You are doing amazingly - going away must of been difficult but still you brought fun and light to your vlog. Your family are great and your dads inspirational quote was priceless!! Who need the Buddha! Your sister is right though - just concentrate on what you need to do, it’s not selfish to put yourself first. Take care, and thank you xx

[@LittlestHoboKatie]

Im in my 30s and i still don't know what im doing with my life so dont fret about that. Your main goal in life should be to be healthy and happy.. because that is all that truly matters. I fell ill with a chronic illness 8 years ago and it threw my life upside down. Now all i concentrate on is being as healthy as possible and chasing happiness. We all struggle in our own ways... Its how we deal with it that counts. I used to be an insanely jealous person in relationships where my mind would take over and make me think things that weren't true... it was a long process but i managed to teach myself to block out those thoughts, because i knew i was being irrational.. what i did was, as soon as i heard that voice creeping in with crazy thoughts I completely blacked out my mind, pitch black, and thought about something else straight away and didn't sit with the crazy thoughts... it took a long time but my brain eventually rewired itself.. make your mind pitch black like a dark room when you think ED stuff.. then straight away think about something else. something nice, like how your life will be when you're free... You can do this girl

[@willday1510]

A meal plan would help you so much, then there is no room for debate about what you are going to eat and when. It is the prescription for your illness, the only thing that will give your brain and body the strength to emerge from the continual obsessive thoughts that go round and round your head. Take it from someone who has been there (twice). The one thing that occurs to me when watching your videos is that you must be STARVING all the time. Your body is screaming for food, so don't get in its way...every time it asks you for food, respond and EAT.

[@marywilson5192]

Wow Elzani! That conversation with your family at the end was really powerful & eye opening. You should be so proud of what you are sharing of your struggle. I know there are alot of people out there relating to you. I've never seen anyone share the insight that you do. It gives everyone a look in to what the struggle is like. Thank you for sharing such personal moments & discussions. And I hope you keep sharing them. You can do it. You are still so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Ps. Your mom, dad, grandma & sisters are amazing. You have the absolute best family and they will help you beat this disease. Much love ♥️

[@gihanelhage]

Your family is literally...the best. I cannot express how much their support touches me. I am so glad you have them and l am so glad you know what you have ❤ you're amazing Elzani. It's heartbreaking to see you cry and seeing how much your introspection hurts you. You have so much guilt and so much pain but you're working through it with so much strength and honesty and grace. You are such an inspiration. ❤💕

[@maggiefraser2551]

A friend I was in treatment with (my third out of four treatments as an inpatient) once called ma "lifer." You just mentioned being a functional anorexic for the rest of your life, and it reminded me. Two years after my last treatment session (in the psych ward held against my will for a month), walking out of there I lost all the weight I'd gained and stayed that weight until I finally CHOSE to get well. I got on a plan with a personal trainer, in the gym lifting heavy three days a week, upped my calories, and I've put on 16 pounds in 19 weeks. I can't stop, I won't stop. I'll never succumb to that predicted destiny. LIVE.

[@kecrn4132]

Holy cow.....Satarra is so mature! Wow! I just love the support that your sister’s give you. It is just such nice relationships to witness. I really really hope that you can be kinder to yourself.... you are so hard on yourself...you have made such huge improvements and you need to acknowledge how far you have come and how well you are doing! Focus on the positives! And- I totally totally get what you mean about worrying that you ate too much and then worrying that you haven’t eaten enough.... oh god, I understand that!! And your Dad has great words of wisdom as well!💕😘💗

[@DDelilahM]

I didnt go to Uni till i was 33.... i had a lot of issues i needed to deal with in my teens and 20s... youre doing well... i think you might need to do what i did which is figure out why i was constantly critical of myself as you are of yourself now... i spent so much time denying myself positive things..it was like a form of self punishment because i didnt think i ever did anything right... i talked to a therapist once a week by phone and i started facing my fears one by one.... and i beat my issues.... i still have some anxiety now and then but i function as everyone else does now and enjoy like... i dont have the same triggers i did before... You can do this... youre NOT annoying anyone but yourself.... youve got the world behind you cheering you on... xo luv from the USA

[@GetYaWhat]

Best tip for recovery: Don’t say. Just do. But also, when you think you have eaten a lot, you need to eat double of that. Thank you for sharing your days :)

[@hannahjuliette5432]

Elzani, I'm a nursing student and sooo many of the wonderful women in my class are middle aged, married and with kids! They didn't let age stop them from getting to uni, and neither should you! Society (especially in the UK) makes a big deal about going to university as soon as you finish A levels, but thats really not the case. It will never ever be too late for you to make a change and do something you really love. Good luck Elzani, I am rooting for you xxxxx

[@sarahlou3017]

So nice to see you out and about on adventures Elzani . I really really relate to what you were saying about knowing what to do with your life , i was terrified and it was really feeding in to my ED and my ED feeding in to that in a cycle . Ironically, when i made my recovery my mission i found new things i loved and had the energy and confidence to give things ago and now im at uni at 25 years old studying to be a midwife . It will all fall in to place Elzani recovery will open up so much that you could never imagine !

[@Ella-ps1lg]

Alisha I care about the room tour!! - especially the toilet paper :)

[@maisxo1756]

She really needs professional help, you can see how much she is struggling and it’s horrible to see :(

[@ohwellwhateverr]

Just look at her now!

[@hollybanes8956]

You’re eating less than the minimum for an average person. This isn’t recovery, not even close. I’m sorry, I know it’s upsetting you but only you can do it. Only you can cut these behaviours and only you can eat more. If you refuse to get professional help then You need to plan out a strict meal plan yourself, and it needs to be minimum 3,500 cals but I’d say probably more 4000-4500 for you. You’re eating tiny portions of low calorie foods most of the time. And you freak out if you eat more than your family. You need to be eating twice what they are. And different food than them too. You should be having butter and cheese through your meals to up the calories, loads of snacks, maybe meal replacement drinks (NOT AS REPLACEMENTS, in ADDITION TO A MEAL). I totally get the fear that you’ll never stop but you will...you will probably experience extreme hunger after a few days of eating the amount you need and that’s NORMAL and OKAY. You need to follow it, when you’re hungry you need to eat as much as your body is telling you it wants. In time your body will naturally crave less once it is restored to where it should be and you will be able to slowly return to a normal routine of eating. NOBODY is going to think you’re greedy but I totally understand that fear too. But if you really want to recover, you need to forget other people. That’s the hard bit...THATS FIGHTING, THATS RECOVERY AND THATS “DOING WELL”. Actually eating the food isn’t hard it’s making the decisions in your head of choosing to ignore the voice. That’s what you’re not doing right now. And that’s the most important step. You’ll never recover if you keep that up.

[@harrietmorgan24]

This is so important! Shes constantly talking about 'real recovery' but trying a new cake every few days really does not constitute recovery. Anyone who has been through this knows recovery involves eating more food than you can possibly imagine, huge meals and high calorie snacks, I was often eating more than my dad. Once weight has been gained she can start to focus on trying new foods and developing more 'normal' eating habits like the rest of her family

[@nudgenudge85]

Elzani, you are making videos like no one else. So honest. So vulnerable. So real. Whenever you doubt what you are doing, please know that making these videos is such an important part of your recovery process, and helping so many people connect and process their own recovery journeys too. You are doing incredible things, and you don't even know it. Please don't believe the thoughts in your mind pulling you down. You are a beautiful, strong, and inspiring person that is doing so much more than most people who can't confront their fears, let alone explore and express them. Please keep eating the food. It is meaningless, and doesn't hold any power to make you the monster you think it will. It is there to fuel you to do more incredible things. You are currently only eating the same things and amounts as your family, but you need to eat more than people who are not in a deficit. Eat calorie dense foods and big amounts. I watch you eat foods that contains low calories like beans on toast, cereal, or a small dinner, and I wish you were tucking in to high fat, high carb, bursting with energy foods. I know you will slowly get there, and I too remember the beginning of my recovery when it was hard to stomach (and mentally stomach) lots of food. It took time for my stomach to open and my mind to relax. But you keep challenging yourself. And you keep believing, and trusting that every mouthful is moving you towards a place you can finally rest in. Keep going. I watch you every day, and without you, the world would be a darker place. Your light is so bright Elzani. Love you so much xxx

[@MakeUpLover042406]

You don’t have to pretend to like something you don’t like instead choose something different to eat. You should be enjoying your food and enjoying yourself. Much Love and hope you are doing well. You can totally beat this. You just have to believe in yourself that you can because YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! Nothing worth having comes easy. Recovery is hard but so worth it. Find your strength and push through it. I’m cheering you on because I know you can do it. I just need you to believe in yourself.

[@ttdfanforlife]

I know it's so hard to think of eating more than your mum and sister, but they aren't in recovery. You need more and you know that in your head. I understand how hard that is. All the walking you guys did though, wow. Keep going and stay strong.

[@l-jy2653]

Wheyyyyy! I hope your doing well lovely girl. Don’t give up! You can beat this. There is no real recovery. Recovery is want you make it. Keep going. Xx

[@luluflowers9954]

I have a quote for your lock screen "you can't hate yourself healthy". I had to drop out of uni because of my ED and depression but I fully plan to go back. I'm 23 which is not old ta very much ;) we can do this! You can do this. You're not alone and you are not annoying, you inspire me, I wouldn't watch you if you were annoying. You are funny and brave and fighting a terrible illness none of which makes you annoying.

[@georgieroberts8697]

My dad went to uni at 26, when he was ready, and ended up getting a first! You go when the time’s right and you’ll do so much better♥️

[@Ali-ct3xc]

Hope you don't mind but I've prayed for you tonight. I asked that in moments when you feel weak, you will know strength to push through. Also during times of doubt, for you to feel your worth and value. There is a gutsy, intelligent Elzani who knows exactly what needs to be done to get healthy. Think of a plaster - the super sticky beige type - you can pull it at the corner, a tiny bit at a time or you can rip the thing off and get the job done! Keep going lovely, I believe in you xx

[@Tnc874]

Im glad i found this channel.. it shows how everyone one in comments think they are trained professionals. Glad that she is in active recovery now and doing great.. good job Ezani!!!!! Keep fighting

[@colleenthewizard7472]

Honey, you’re doing your best and we see you trying. I watch your videos because your optimism and hard work is so encouraging to me. You and your family are so lovely. Your honesty and you talking through the issues as you face them shows others that they’re not alone in them. I can tell you, as a 25 year old who has a place and a job, that not knowing what you’re doing with your life is LITERALLY what your 20’s is about. I still feel it all the time! and I think the combined stress of this natural worry about your life PLUS keeping track of your food can feel like a LOT sometimes. Pleasing us as an audience wont serve you because it’s not about us. It’s about you healing and thriving. Follow the advice and focus on you, because when you’re happy, it radiates. And it’s contagious and we feel it!

[@rebeccarose4448]

Recovery is a process, not perfection! It does not happen in a straight upward line! There will be ups and downs, but it’s the general upward trend that matters! You are doing amazing Elzani! If you weren’t recovering then you wouldn’t care that you hadn’t eaten enough. The fact that you get upset about it shows you have motivation to recover, and that’s all you need. You’ll get there Elzani ❤️

[@Bieeeepable]

I do understand why ppl say you should seek professional help ..buuut I also think you look slightly better and keep trying so hard & that impresses me soo much. I kinda believe in your strength ..:) so don't stop !!

[@DespicableElle]

Dads are so wise lmao, hearing the truth can be tough but glad you have such a great support system x Rooting for you Elzani!!

[@allysonroyston9671]

Elzani you’re such a kind sweet girl..you are so polite and remember thanking family all the time...so sweet❤️

[@TashaMcGxD]

"im 22 dad that's so old"...me sitting here exactly a month from my 23rd birthday...i took a year out because i went to uni at 18 and hated it but there are people in my course at 27 and 34... then theres people who are a year younger than me everyone has their own path and not everyone's is the same! also your dad speaks so much sense girl!!

[@prefectme1]

I care so much about the hotel room tour, thank you very much Alisha!!

[@diamondstylus100]

I went to uni age 25, I now work in the industry I studied - i'm 32 and it took me a long time to figure stuff out. You're still so young, you can do whatever you want but only if you're healthy enough to get the most out of life. You can never go back, don't be consumed by regret just push forward and make positive changes. Your dad is 100% right, the most important thing is that you're happy

[@meghansaucier7834]

Elzani, You need to believe in yourself and believe in your recovery. You will get better no matter how long that takes, but you need to never give up on it. Everyday is a new day, set small goals that can be reached easily so it pushes you to stay on track with your recovery. You can get there, just remember that!!!

[@oatycookieori]

You've got this elzani XX you keep saying you are doing REAL recovery but you have to remember real recovery has its up and downs, it is never going to be perfectly linear. We are far too caught up these days with everything being perfect. It's ok to make mistakes, have flaws etc but the extra challenge makes it all so much more worth it. You deserve to recover xx

[@nuria9333]

Your family is so supportive and they really do care. Listen to their wise words and what they tell you because they want the best for you ❤️ recovery is going to be difficult and one of the first parts to it is realising what you're doing wrong and realising what the problems are so you can work on them and improve yourself. Changing the way you think after being in the same mindset for soo long takes ages and it takes alot of hard work but you can do it. There's always rain before the rainbow (cheesy but true!) You have the motive to do it and you getting annoyed at yourself is you getting annoyed at the ED and you're fighting back and questioning your ED. You are stronger than it and by questioning it you are growing more powerful than it ❤️ stay strong

[@Mandy3141]

Addicted to your videos! PS: I love your mum, she's also like a friend to you!

[@hausofasmr6075]

I can confirm you will not be seen as greedy for eating Elzani. You have so many people here rooting for you and knowing you need to eat so much more than the average person just to put on weight. You are doing great, but I really think professional therapy would be so helpful for you. Sometimes people need a little more than their family support and there is nothing wrong with that. Lots of love ❤️

[@nicolanewton7064]

Watching you it is like watching me when I was 22. The similarities are identical to the family set up and the struggles. Your raw and honest truth that shows just how difficult this disease is heartbreaking. Hearing you say you feel like you have wasted years at 22..... I was the same. Yet I didn't commit, I never pushed myself to do it properly and continued in this manner for another 10 years before I changed. Don't waste any more time. Don't do what I did and sit there in 10 years wishing you had just pushed that boundary of recovery now at 22. You have it all ahead of you if you can do this now. It will be the hardest thing but I promise you now if you challenge this bitch of a disease now it will be the beginning of the best thing you ever do xxx

[@dedoubecool]

Elzani everything you're feeling is normal. You're not crazy and you won't be obsessed with food forever. The more you eat and the closer you get to a healthy body, the more you will get your personality back, you will know what you're interested in and what you want to do with your life.

[@EasySilence91]

You broke my heart at the end! You are an amazing young lady and you are doing soooo good! Be proud of you're self! You're doing amazing! Everyone has bad and good days, were only human. No one is perfect. Just keep thinking of you're own best and celebrate the good days, the good meals.

[@maiawooff4130]

Its so weird seeing you get a plane to Durham, I live about 20 minutes from Durham and go to uni in Newcastle, keep fighting lovely!xx

[@LolaBathory]

Bless your mom and dad and sisters😍🙏🏼Such an amazing and positive channel for days when I sit around feeling alone & sad. Thanks elzani🥺💓

[@Cllouudi]

Does that mean you are getting professional help? Please. Have a great day love

[@Michelle77Va]

She was in the hospital for awhile. See her hospital story.

[@laureehegarty1603]

I think your doing well some people can’t go away on a trip and eat out like that each video your improving it may not be as fast as you want but your making changes you just gotta keep going x

[@kecrn4132]

Lauree Hegarty - I 100% agree with you! Elzani is working so hard!

[@celine2celeste234]

omg i'm so excited that you ran into a supporter! so cool! Also I LOVED the romper on you... and I LOVE your overalls btw, I'm looking for some for myself because yours looked so cute and comfy 😂

[@celine2celeste234]

also, the conversations with your family at the end was amazing, and something I needed to hear as well. I love how supportive and open your family is. You can do this

[@learning2live_846]

Also, I think this may have been your BEST vlog by far! I love seeing u out in life, doing things, @ not so focused on the food!👍It was so beautiful there!!! Well done girl! ;)

[@katekate8729]

Elzani! I know this is an old video but I’m binge watching your videos, sorryyy! x You and I are the same age and have the same sort of struggles, I’ve been dealing with mental illness also and feel like it’s stunted my future also as I haven’t been able to go to uni. That’s until recently, once you focus on recovery and your health things will come naturally. Once your at a good state and stable you’ll learn that you can honestly conquer anything, we’re all in this together! I’m rooting for you and know you’ll over come this and do us proud xxx

[@throughrose-colouredeyes6284]

durham reminds me of bruxelles, in belgium. it's sweet, and super cute. i hope you all had a peaceful time away. you deserve it. keep fighting, angel. "this too shall pass." xo

[@Lozenge95]

I love your vlogs!! So inspiring to me ive always wanted to blog but watching your videos I just think “oh sod it, let’s do it!!” 😊 found your channel through your ED documentary, and was browsing your videos but everything you do seems so interesting! So you’ve defo inspired me thank you, and I’m glad you’re doing better these days you’re such a beautiful person inside and out. Hope you have a wonderful year ahead my lovely 💖😊

[@throughrose-colouredeyes6284]

being lost isn't a bad thing. it's the best place to find yourself. so, you're afraid. but nerves feel a lot like excitement. accept your fear, then turn what you're scared of, into something you're looking forward to. it's all about perspective. if you don't change the way you see yourself or a challenging or unfair or sad situation, your brain won't stop saying all these negative thoughts to you. find the positive; the silver lining to everything. or just try and be an observer of your thoughts..or literally ignore them all, as if they do not deserve to exist. like what your dad said - we all have mean voices inside that tell us self-loathing things, but they're aren't true. so don't feed them..feed you, elzani. x

[@bluke1012]

You're not greedy! You need to eat twice as much as a "normal" diet to heal your body. Your family and viewers WANT you to eat more. Theres no such thing as being annoying because your feelings are justified. It can be scary, the negative thoughts going on in your head, but you have to fight it. Humans are a very routine species and it takes weeks to break habits. You can do it, Elzani. Eat when you're hungry, a small portion isnt enough. You have the support of us and your family, but it's up to you if you want to change your life for the better. Keep your head up, you have a bright future ahead! Lots of love from Texas ❤

[@mirandaetkind2278]

Elzani, I am not a professional but I am about your age and have had some people in my family suffer from eating disorders. I can see that you are struggling. The way you are living life is not happiness being in constant battle with your thoughts. I think you need to see a doctor for some further professional insight. A therapist can help you sort out what you are feeling. There is no shame in getting help! It is what they are there for and so many people (even people that you wouldn't think are struggling) see a doctor to help fight a mental illness. I really want to see you get better and better both physically and mentally. xx

[@nicolemariamorgan]

The 20's are the best years of our lives love, keep pushing now so you can get on and enjoy them!! I feel they are anyway, although i've only just 'almost' fully recovered and i've just turnt 24 - yet life is already GREATLY improving. From the day i FULLY committed to weight gain (note: weight gain, not just recovery) my life improved. Make your goal to gain weight, not just recover. I had to get over the fear of becoming fat, before i was able to fully get myself to a place where i'd allow myself to eat totally unrestricted all day every day (not just one day or half a day, before i'd panic). If you were to 'get fat' (highly unlikely) is that really the worst f*cking thing we can be in life?!?! I'd rather be fat and happy, than living in an ED for the rest of my life. I see loads of bigger girls on IG slaying it, wearing what they want, living the life they want and they're all SO happy and beautiful. I can guarantee, when you're at your healthy set point weight (not just 'BMI' healthy) and you're able to eat what ever you want. You'll be finally enjoying life, and you'll be so much free'er and happier, that you won't give a crap if your body is bigger than you'd like it to be. I certainly don't. My set point is larger than i'd like, but if i had a choice i'd certainly rather stay here and feel the happiness i do now, than go back to the miserable horrible person i felt i was before. Just say F*CK IT, and allow yourself to eat unrestricted all day long, everyday, until you're at your set point. I certainly give you permission to do so, and i'm sure everyone you'd ever ask would give you permission to do so. But more importantly, YOU need to give yourself the permission to do so. "What if i can't ever stop" is what you're probably thinking, it will stop once your body is happy. Our bodies are clever, it's not optimal for our bodies to want/need to eat all day long. It certainly wouldn't ask you to do that everyday for the rest of your life. It's only asking you to do so now, because you NEED it from the damage you've caused. When you get to your bodies optimal healthy/set point weight, it WILL slow down. Sometimes even when you're at your set point, you'll have your super hungry days every so often, where you eat half the Biscoff jar right after a huge lunch, just because(me today haha!). But, your body asks for that food for a reason, and it knows what to do with it. You can do this. You just have to commit to weight gain and eating unrestricted. Life begins when you gain weight, i promise. Love, A 24 year old girl who know her shit as she was only in your position back in June ;-)

[@alicat2375]

You are so right. To recover I had to tell myself that I wanted recovery even if it meant being fat. I don’t love my new body but it allows me to live the life I want. Life positive, body neutral is where it’s at ❤️

[@marieburkhead5272]

Very well said!

[@kerryrice7143]

Sending pride from the States!! It is physically demanding to do hours of walking and you should be proud of yourself :) Given that though, you only ate slightly more than what you do when you are at home and not expending a lot of energy. Phycological help is smart to help cope with your thoughts. Seeking verification from family members or having them make choices for you is still living in an ED safety net. I think combining a nutrition counselor to help bulk up your meals with a mental health counselor will be the team you need to push through and be able to complete all of your goals. Sending honest love 💕

[@zanezabere6410]

Elzani, You are amazing!! Keep going, You can fight it! Your dad is amazing, what he says is on point, listen to him! And all of your family is such an amazing support! You can do this! :)

[@leea8706]

Durham has a great night life, if Alisha is interested in that, although she won’t be able to wear a coat if she goes out in winter, that’s the rules in the north east, it’s not just a stereotype

[@Bakaskies]

If you feel like you're having a bad day food wise because you didn't eat enough, you have the power to change that right that instant. As soon as you feel disappointed with yourself, get up, go to the kitchen, and make yourself a plate of food! You are in control. Don't just accept that you didn't do well enough, change it! Rooting for you.

[@lumemaa7]

It’s lovely to see that you are diving straight in with food. Keep it up Elzani!!!! Brilliant 😘🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 Still need to eat double, even triple, compared to your family.

[@tia5505]

im from the north east and its so weird seeing you walk around all the places i know!! also when you said newcastle was hilly i was like boiiiii wait till you get to durham lmaooo

[@leea8706]

Durham is crazy hilly, the hill to the train station is a killer! I love being from the North East though.

[@mollxo9796]

Living for these 1hr + long videos 🙌🏼🙌🏼 you can do this elzani Xx

[@angeleyes3613]

I feel like ensures would REALLY help you Elzani I love you❤️❤️

[@boucles89]

Hi Elzani! I’m a new follower and have been looking through your older videos and came across this one too! It was so cool seeing you visit durham, as that’s near me! I love watching your videos but makes me so sad to see you beating your self up about these things. I didn’t make uni because of my mental health and I still haven’t been and I’m 30 but you know what, that’s okay! I have a beautiful little girl and I’m doing ok. Nothing’s perfect, is still struggle but it is possible to have a life too! Sending you lots of love, you’re a beautiful girl and so so kind! I love seeing your relationship with your mum as it’s just like mine with my mum. Take care lovely xxx

[@nymhart6968]

Yo! You absolutely probably don't read these comments anymore but the 'what's that?' in Newcastle by the statue - its Greys Monument! (a monument put up in honor of Earl Charles Grey...no idea what he did but there you go!) I've lived in Newcastle for 7 years and visit Durham a lot and it's so cool seeing you visit those places! Gonna catch me wandering around Costa being all 'damn, this is where Elzani once stood!' :')

[@georgieroberts8697]

your family don’t want you to be perfect, they want you to be you♥️

[@ameliahughes2352]

Girl you've got this!! You're doing amazing, try to focus on you, i know its so hard to do, but take each day as it comes. dont spend today worrying about tomorrow! we are all here supporting you.maybe you should find someone to talk to who isn't in your family? i graduated from uni, im 22 and have no clue what i want to do with my life, nobody really does. Elzani you are strong and you are beautiful, you can do this!! xoxo

[@coadymcmahon8681]

I’m so proud of you you are amazing and strong you can beat this we can beat it together stay strong

[@Alyssav90]

So incredible to see you go through this and your family is incredible. ❤️

[@Justinka11]

Keep on going, girl, you´re doing so well! Everything will be ok, I´ve been throught it as well, in recovery for 3 years. It has been hard, really, but everything will get back to normal, even though it doen´t look like that. You need to get back Your healthy weight and BMI, that´s why eating lots and lots of food. Overthinking about food till the end of your life is really not worth it. Use Your family as the biggest support, you´re not alone. Stay strong

[@user-oe1mo5ds8c]

Elzani please listen. I haven’t suffered with an eating disorder, but I have suffered with depression and anxiety; and I still do occasionally. You HAVE to do things that scare you. Get out of your comfort zone and challenge yourself, more than you already are. Eat double the amount your family are, eat things that scare you. Your body is so malnourished. The only way to grow as a person is the get out of your comfort zone, to push yourself further than you think you can go. This can be in the simplest of ways, eating something that scares you or something you’d never imagine eating. Recovery is a decision you make, and you’ve chosen it you just need to follow it through. You have a wonderful supportive family who are very wise. Although like many people have said, I think professional help would benefit you. Even if it’s for the anxiety side of things. Don’t worry about what you’re going to do in life, you’ll be successful and you are already inspiring thousands of people daily with your courage and strength.

[@BabyBriiii]

You eat how I eat when I’m on a diet. Minus the chocolate.

[@NcisfanwithTivafever]

Just wanted to say that you are doing better than you think you are doing! I haven't been a viewer for a long time, but I can see that you eating dinner round the table with your family, or eating out in a restaurant is massive progress for you. I think you expect recovery to be instant, and that you will wake up tomorrow and be able to eat anything and everything that you want without any disordered thoughts, but recovery isn't like that. Recovery is a daily battle, between following your ED thoughts and following what you know you should do to recover - it doesn't just happen overnight. If you are struggling or feeling shit because you are eating something that your ED is telling you you shouldn't eat, then that is you challenging your ED! Honestly Elzani, you are making progress step by step! Try not to be so harsh on yourself, and try to keep in perspective where you started, and how far you are now compared to then! Try to keep in mind that all the tiny steps and changes you are making every day are amounting to huge steps over time. Yes your dad is right, you will have good days and bad days. And the bad days don't cancel out the good ones because if you look at the month as a whole, there is an upward trend in your progress. Hang in there, you are doing great.

[@mars12346]

I went to uni at 26 because I didn't know what I wanted to do. You have so much time to think about what you wanna do :) stay strong and keep trying to beat this ED.

[@jennifert-lewis9426]

Hey elzani! You remind me of me, you overanalyze situations and care too much about what people think. It's super difficult to get out of. I think certain personalities are more prone to getting eating disorders. This is something you should work on as part of therapy which I hope you get!

[@tmaraaramt3487]

Summary of the what people comment on her videos: -eat more your not eating enough because your underweight -you need professional help -therapy What people should be telling her: -she is amazing -if she ate more then she would look even more beautiful -she is stronger than she knows -atleast she is trying you can see As her subscribers we should be more supportive she wants to beat this eating disorder by herself but if it gets any worse or if she loose anymore weight then she should get a professional diet plan but from now on she may be getting help that we don’t know if she wants to keep that private I suppose she can

[@jennymedy]

For someone who is soo underweight that is not "a lot of food" 😔 I actually do think that most of her subscribers are geniunly concerned for her.

[@tmaraaramt3487]

It’s better than the diet of ‘nothing’ she was eating a year ago. It’s just when your underweight your stomach gets a lot smaller and it’s a development to get your appetite back so saying ‘eat more’ isn’t helping

[@nicolemariamorgan]

I agree with everything you've said apart from "you can see she is eating ALOT of food". I know a lot of food can mean different things depending on the appetite of the person looking at it... But she is not eating 'A LOT' of food at all. A lot less than a lot of 'normal people' i know actually. And in ED recovery we need INSANE amounts of food, probably triple what she's eating at times. In recover the hunger is literally endless and what's sad is that a lot of time it's clear Elzani is going through that hunger. She needs to follow it fully, even if that means eating all day long and triple (or more) of what her mum or sisters is eating. I am not at all saying she's not trying though. I know how hard it is to bite the bullet and fully commit to that task without going back and forth with yourself.

[@hemimaraetai2177]

And also she literally told us that these are weeks old and that she's doing better now.

[@panagiotadrakontaeidi7624]

Oh my god i was thinking about the same thiiingg..i just dont agree that the part "she is eating a lot of food"is appropriate cause sth like this can easily trigger bad thoughts

[@leea8706]

It’s crazy seeing you walk around all of the places I know. Durham is a beautiful city, and the people are really really nice. La Tasca the tapas place is really nice to go to.

[@TheGw05]

When I was in recovery I drank/ made myself heaps of smoothies. They are very calorie dense ( with banana or mango etc) and so easy to drink. You'll get fantastic health benefits from it! Just drink them with meals not as a snack. You can't live in the past. I know with self isolation you tend to live in your head. Take these years as a learning curve! Yes you were unwell and yes it disallowed you to do certain things. But, use it to grow! Just think of the will power you have to sustain an ED and channel it into something positive and rewarding. You are recovering- so this idea of real recovery doesn't make much sense to me. For me in recovery it took me years just to eat and years after that to gain weight! Gaining weight is part of recovery but it's not the entirety of recovery. Start learning to enjoy food- be spontaneous

[@maisymcadam3896]

you dad is honestly amazing I love him

[@Allnuts-H]

Elzani, keep up the good work. Your family is wonderfull. Your dad is a very wise man!

[@onlyme7308]

Courage is fear that says its prayers and goes forth anyway. Lots of recovery love 🌻💛🌻

[@tatteredquilt]

One thing Dr. Phil said that I respect- "You wouldn't worry so much about what other people think if you realized how little they did (care about what you do)." It's true- most people don't really care what other people are doing. It's not worth the energy to even bother with the 'what ifs'. I'm in my 60s, and been dealing with this for 50+ years thanks to a mom who bribed me to lose weight at age 6 when I had NO weight to lose. I have never known "normal", but I'm trying again. If not, I'll be dead in a year or two. I worked as a RN for 20 years (had my license for 35)... I've taken care of 'old' people. Twenty-two is barely out of the gate.

[@ladyhayley4859]

I went to uni at 25! And had lots of friends going at a similar age. I felt it was the right thing for me and I was ready. Don't compare yourself, there is no set timeline.

[@mealswithfoods6252]

I love that you pushed your struggles. It’s awesome and amazing 😉

[@insomiadiary4354]

Elzani, think about this: you are alive in this world for a reason, a bigger purpose. Your ed is just a small setback, so fight, fight like the warrior I know you are. You got it in you, you got the strength to take this painful moment and turn it into something beautiful. Anorexia is loud, noise its all anotexia is. Silence it’s damaging words and don’t give up! There is nothing more rewarding than being able to see who you really are after conquering an ed. I believe YOU can do it. You deserve to eat. You are worthy. You are here for a reason. Don’t waste your life away. we are only here for a limited amount of time, so make the best of it.

[@insomiadiary4354]

Anorexia*

[@DontStopLaughing101]

The end of this video made me cry, the journey you’re going through is not easy but please please don’t give up on yourself. If there’s one thing you can do, it’s stop comparing every aspect of your life to other peoples, as your sister said focus on yourself and your problem in the moment. You’re eating more than other 20 year olds? Who cares. You’re eating less than other 20 year olds? Who cares. You’re thinking things that others may not? Who cares. You’re not going to uni yet? That’s fine! YOU are YOU. This is YOUR journey. And every body, will behave differently and will need different amounts of food, drink, rest and exercise to keep it going.

[@summerhumble9386]

Recovery isn’t just eating/ eating like everyone else , recovery is healing your body... recovering your body and your mind will follow and to do that you have to eat more then you’ve ever eaten

[@Mirandela7]

You can do this! Come on Elzani! Nobody knows really what they’re doing and there’s two ways to go with that information. One is to be afraid and the other is to be liberated, and I choose to be liberated by it. Everyone is doing the best they can according to their own level of consciousness. Life gets a lot easier if you realize that. People are not perfect, life's not perfect. And that's fine. You're not alone and you're not the worst. Be comforted by that knowledge. Your dad is right! Everyone is just winging life, trying to figure it out, be happy and healthy. And your recovery doesn't have to be damn perfect either. There are and there will be ups and downs along the way. Have patience with yourself and know how to forgive yourself. But try harder! Have you noticed? There's over 23 thousands of people here. And we're all have got your back! You've said you're gonna start eating more fruits and vegies and dirnking smoothies! Yes! Do it El! Smoothies are so healthy, easy to prepare and it's liquid so you don't have to chew it. Just say 'cheers' and drink it. And you can literaly made them from so many halthy things. Try smoothies with avocado, spinach, kale, berries, bananas, mangos, kiwis etc. Yo can find so many amazing recipes on the Internet and I'm sure Alisha already knows some good ones too. Have you heard about smoothie bowls, you can try that too! And granola or porridge with greek youghurt and with some added nuts, fresh fruits and honey or nutt butter (yes all at once in one bowl!) would be so good for you :). How about avocado toast with eggs for breakfast or snack? + big glass of smoothie/youghurt. You can choose boiled eggs, fried eggs, poached eggs, even scrumbled eggs, whatever you want. Use your favourite spices, top it with sunflower or pumpkin seeds or some sprouts. Maybe eating this will be scary at first. But if you'll eat it once, you can also eat it for the second time, and then third and fourth and then again. And then you'll just stop counting. As it should be. You need to eat more calories to start gaining weitght. It looks like you like baked beens on toast too. But that sad and thin 2 slices of bread is not enough for you! How about 2 toasts with A LOT of beans on top, plus fried egg with fried bacon or sausage. And butter! Try putting 82% fat butter on your sandwiches and toasts, you can even put a spoon of butter to your hot porridge. I thought about one more thing. You seem like a very eloquent, well spoken person. Have you thought about starting to write a jurnal or something like that? Where you could write down some of your thoughts, ideas or whatever you would want to and whenever you would want to. Maybe this could help you to organize your thoughts. If you’re the type of person who finds it difficult to ask for help, for whatever reason (it makes you feel inadequate, weak, like a burden) please know that the people who love you would be devastated to think of you alone with your problems. You are worth helping. Always!

[@marieburkhead5272]

Lovely comment!

[@babygorl3254]

Yes butter in porrige is a good tip

[@babygorl3254]

She should have diet plan made by dietician and she should go to the doctor

[@katherineellen3215]

Your Dad is brilliant, listen to him ❤️

[@hippymama100]

Watching you do those hills was utterly terrifying, darling, because you aren't well enough for that.