Duty Sex isn't Sexy - Ep 87

[@melodykubiak5850]

I'm so happy to find your channel and to see your balanced opinion. We've been married for 43 years. When I explained the interpretation/teaching by a few people I've seen on KZbin on 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 to my husband, that the woman cannot say no, that he can "borrow" her whenever he wants her, that she should be sexual more than she feels like, he gave me a look of distaste, a "you can't be serious" expression. The way we understand these verses is that the husband has control over the wife's body and she his, meaning we don't have the right to give our bodies to anyone else because our bodies have been given to our spouse in marriage and therefore we can't give our bodies to others. Also that sex should never be used as a punishment or a weapon, so withholding sex because of anger, spitefulness or whatever is WRONG. THE LAST THING ON EARTH my husband wants is duty sex. He doesn't want me to say yes if I'm not up to it, nor do I with him. (We both have health issues.) Even if we didn't have health issues we want both of us to WANT to make love so we're emotionally engaged together. That's so important. He doesn't want me to be staring at the ceiling waiting for him to finish. That's not making love, that's just sex. Neither of us says yes every time the topic is brought up, but since the topic was brought up we keep that in mind for when we both want to. That is not a rejection, it is a "not now dear, ask me later." My husband is not an animal who must have his every sexual whim/urge/thought/feeling indulged. Sex on demand is pure selfishness. I'm so glad you're teaching about mutual consent and respect. The interview was so informative and wise.

[@JacobMKeeneAKADrPepperKing]

I’m glad to learn of this issue as a young single man in advance, and that I’ve never read any of those “Evangelical Christian” marital sex books before and now know what to avoid before I eventually get married. How could anyone forget about how the Bible blatantly talks about mutual consent and is against selfishness in all of its ugly forms? Let’s keep in mind the golden rule, shall we?: “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” That applies to marriage too.

[@AdrienneJung.M]

“Sex is about a deep knowing, not an owing”….I love that!

[@marie33135]

I love how you “murdered” the book, but I’m shocked at how much it affected you when you didn’t agree with it. Especially, when some of the women who believe it have less pain than what you described!!!! And I love how you made sure the book was dead. On second thought, it wasn’t murder, it was self-defense. The “you don’t matter” made me sad. So many people love you!!!! ☹️❤️🧸

[@cassie.G]

So appreciate you Mrs Gregoire ❤️ I share your resources every chance I get. Thank you, and Rebecca, for all your time and effort to keep sharing.

[@marie33135]

I bet changing this mindset is harder than it looks because saying, “whatever was blamed on lack of sex isn’t my fault” means “I can’t fix this/I can’t make him happy/I can’t be the hero.” Saying, “the obligation mindset also degrades men” means “I thought I was being a good wife, am I actually guilty of demeaning him?” I suspect it takes a long time to deal with that.

[@sjearly13]

Best ever you guys!!!!!! 😭😭😭♥️ I might say that every time. Lol. But the whole episode sounded completely quotable!!!

[@aussieamy6367]

My mum gave me a book (I think it was also The Act of Marriage) and it made me so scared. I barely even skim read it. I was just so intimidated by how detailed and graphic it was (I had pre-existing fear). Grateful for a good physio helping me better than your doctor

[@kristineopsommer]

I agree that men should, inasmuch as possible, take care of their baggage before getting married. That applies equally to women. I didn't realize that I had several bags (overflowing with mercury) until I was already married. I ended up "having" to get divorced to work through it. We're remarried now (I'm so grateful and he's my hero!), but I have to wonder why I was so clueless. Thank God I've found this podcast, it's validating my suspicions...bless you all! 🙏🏾

[@isaacraze4301]

Known for awhile that this was probably going on (sex out of duty). Decided not having sex anymore was a better option. Who willingly chooses a one way relationship. There’s obviously deeper issues but sex might not be important enough to bother.

[@mirnabarbosa4951]

Thank you so much for all....

[@megtoholke825]

I have just pre-ordered The Great Sex Rescue. You guys are not alone or unsupported. Please know God will fight for you, keep being faithful towards His truth! Love you both 💕😊

[@forestwizard1483]

Sex is a strategy we use to meet our psychological needs and not a need itself. Thank you so much for speaking on this!

[@stevenhaley2436]

Are there any Christian relationship books you would recommend?

[@heidigillespie8522]

Love this ♥️ Great discussion!

[@MrsScott-bx8sb]

I am trying to research this, but I bet that a large percentage of women with fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue or other similar diseases are married evangelical women. Every woman I know who suffers from these are or have been in this demographic.

[@SheilaWrayGregoire]

That would be fascinating to do a study on. Yes, autoimmune disorders are highly linked to emotional abuse and other forms of abuse, and evangelical women are more likely to remain in those relationships. I wouldn't doubt it.

[@MrsScott-bx8sb]

@@SheilaWrayGregoire "Over the years, I have often noted the apparently increasing number of Evangelical women who suffer from various auto-immune diseases, in particular, wives of clergy. Could there be a causality here? I think it would be a fascinating research project, but that would mean getting these vulnerable women alone in safe spaces where they could speak their truths without repercussions. " patheos.com/blogs/thoughtfulpastor/2018/06/09/i-remember-when-i-was-near-suicide/

[@melodykubiak5850]

This is a concept I've never heard before. I've had fibro since I was 13 years old, from two injuries, one week apart. That's 47 years ago, before I met my husband. We are Christians but we don't subscribe to the idea of sex being a duty. We've never, ever believed sex is a duty. My fibro has nothing at all to do with my marriage. Fibromyalgia often develops after an injury or an illness. I'd be interested in talking about this concept.

[@rebeccalittle2160]

Can I send in an email?

[@rebeccalittle2160]

Something private where no one could possible see it?

[@IceyFireSpiritDragon]

I think so. You should be able to find her email on her site. If you say you'd like it to stay private I'm sure she'd respect your wishes.

[@marie33135]

I wonder what percentage of women only get the messages from books and what percent also get them from husbands...

[@aaronarhelm9113]

Porn is fantasy. If you are unable to keep porn on the realm of fantasy, you should see a therapist. I heard it once said that men wanted to forbid women from reading books because they feared women would not be able to separate fact fr fiction. It seems that both sexes have issues with this.....

[@Alphacentauri819]

You apparently know nothing about conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind. While the conscious mind is aware of the difference of fantasy and not... the unconscious mind does not know the difference. The subconscious and unconscious aspects make up the majority of our mind activity, responsible for narratives/beliefs, and subsequent behaviors. The subconscious is more in control than the conscious...which behooves many to know and do the subconscious programming necessary to be in charge of one’s life...vs the subconscious programming handed down through interactions through primary attachment figures. Those programs were handed to you, without question. Automatic thinking, narratives, motivations all come from those. Porn is extremely detrimental. Not only to the viewer, but to all the other victims. Having the empathy and perspective deficit that you do...I imagine it’s extremely difficult for you to see it from any perspective outside of your selfish use of it. Porn is a self soothing means to an end. It is in a long list of avoidance behaviors, avoidance of feeling pain is the main thing. Food, porn, video games, social media, and on and on...all can take on form of avoidance of feeling, numbing, and therefore an anesthetic. Ironically, they all can increase more pain (as most avoidance tactics do) and the person doesn’t even realize. Hope you wake up before it’s too late. Younger and younger men are experiencing more sexual dysfunction due to porn...as they are rewiring their brains to not respond to real women. Neuroplasticity gone wrong (it can be a good thing, but in wiring for harmful things...it’s not so good) Viagra doesn’t even work in these cases. And regarding reading and women 🙄 Lord. What women read is light years from most porn. Also, what women want from books is development of the relationship, the guy cares who she is, gets to know all that makes her her. That’s what women highly want...before and during and after sex. They want their being to be known. That’s what books provide. A glimpse of that. So, light years away from the porn men are looking at. Women are longing for deep connection and men are just wanting to get off. Pretty opposite. That’s why more men go to prostitutes, and most women would never desire that. More women go to therapy, because that’s what really meets their highest need, being heard and accepted. The high speed porn that’s available now is way faster than evolution. Men’s brains were made to handle way less naked images per lifetime, and the levels of dopamine and all sorts of things, their brains simply cannot handle. It’s like if I said fast food isn’t real food, so it doesn’t count when I eat it. That’s straight up denial. It counts & its harmful. Same for porn. Your bias doesn’t want to believe it, so you’ll likely dismiss it. Look up ted talks on it, from men. Your justification of your use of porn, is a sad sign that you are deep in denial. It’s for your best life, if you were to fully wake up and understand.