Emotional Intimacy: The Missing Piece to Many Relationships

What is Emotional Intimacy? I have a feeling a lot of people misunderstand what it is and how important it is to a solid relationship. Watch the video for my ideas on the topic.

[@StephLovesLife007]

It takes 2 very SECURE people to have emotional intimacy. We’re not supposed to baby our significant others and enable unhealthy behaviors, but we can protect their insecurities as well-up to a point- for self-growth.

[@fluffyclouds555]

It reminded me of attachment theory and how the ideal match is 2 people who are each securely attached. Versus anxious or avoidant

[@PinkYellowGreen2023]

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

[@markoivanovic433]

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[@gerardorigas6812]

Excellent video content! Excuse me for the intrusion, I would love your thoughts. Have you thought about - Millawdon Varied Nights Trick (search on google)? It is a smashing one off product for learning intimate questions to make your relationship stronger minus the normal expense. Ive heard some interesting things about it and my mate finally got great results with it.

[@markoivanovic433]

Great Video! Sorry for chiming in, I would appreciate your initial thoughts. Have you tried - Millawdon Varied Nights Trick (Have a quick look on google cant remember the place now)? It is a good one off product for learning intimate questions to make your relationship stronger minus the normal expense. Ive heard some incredible things about it and my buddy finally got great results with it.

[@abcrane]

The child abuse epidemic is so brutal that it takes half of adulthood just to heal from this and emotional intimacy is a huge struggle for so many due to this epidemic. Not to mention the struggle to just survive, to attain bread and butter while dealing with trauma. It’s almost like emotional intimacy is a privilege. Yet we try.

[@WisdomWithin999]

You get it. The fact that someone else gets it is so comforting to me

[@abcrane]

@@WisdomWithin999 ❤️

[@sarahofer4368]

It is refreshing to hear a man speak about vulnerability, intimacy and healthy communication in relationships. I admire your openness and courage, in sharing your thoughts and ideas in youtube videos.

[@Valentina_-lw9ui]

Nice Video clip! Forgive me for the intrusion, I would appreciate your opinion. Have you researched - Millawdon Varied Nights Trick (should be on google have a look)? It is a good one off guide for learning intimate questions to make your relationship stronger minus the headache. Ive heard some great things about it and my close friend Aubrey at very last got amazing success with it.

[@diannejelacio1226]

Excellent Video clip! Forgive me for chiming in, I am interested in your opinion. Have you heard about - Millawdon Varied Nights Trick (Have a quick look on google cant remember the place now)? It is a good exclusive product for learning intimate questions to make your relationship stronger without the headache. Ive heard some great things about it and my friend Sam at very last got astronomical success with it.

[@danielwahome90]

Excellent Video clip! Forgive me for butting in, I am interested in your thoughts. Have you researched - Millawdon Varied Nights Trick (do a google search)? It is a great one off guide for learning intimate questions to make your relationship stronger without the normal expense. Ive heard some extraordinary things about it and my cousin got cool results with it.

[@pcsulit682]

Excellent Video clip! Forgive me for chiming in, I would appreciate your initial thoughts. Have you ever tried - Millawdon Varied Nights Trick (erm, check it on google should be there)? It is an awesome one of a kind guide for learning intimate questions to make your relationship stronger without the normal expense. Ive heard some pretty good things about it and my old buddy Taylor at last got cool success with it.

[@azersamaali2016]

Great Video! Excuse me for chiming in, I would appreciate your thoughts. Have you tried - Millawdon Varied Nights Trick (erm, check it on google should be there)? It is a great one of a kind product for learning intimate questions to make your relationship stronger minus the headache. Ive heard some extraordinary things about it and my old buddy Taylor after a lifetime of fighting got cool success with it.

[@deon5329]

As a fellow male INFJ I related to the need for emotional intimacy in romantic and platonic relationships. Without it I generally feel like I'm sorely misunderstood. In most cases I find myself losing interest in the relationship or forming resentments without it as well. I think the biggest challenge for most men is figuring out to articulate the need and get vulnerable enough to do so. I have had it reciprocated in a few relationships but it takes time, acceptance, and more vulnerability than most are comfortable with.

[@kalpa2s]

You are really good at explaining how exactly an INFJ feels and how their brain work.

[@christinasteltz5063]

For 6 years my partner and I didn’t fight. Not one argument...not even a debate. I would get upset at times but that was it. Year 6 I realized it was because my husband was not emotionally invested the way I was. When you don’t give emotionally to the relationship, mostly through communication, then you haven’t invested into the relationship the way that forms emotionally connection. I’m married and we get by as friends because we both care for each other. I often catch myself in imaginary relationships. Filled with the type of magnetism my heart craves. I developed an anxiety disorder as a result and am always feeling depressed and alone.

[@ardreycarlos2796]

this is why being a male infj is both a blessing and a curse. men are taught to be macho in society, and the infj male isnt made for the world.

[@thousandyardgavri2785]

This is so true and it sucks. Its extremely hard to make the first move.

[@isabelle1976]

I have to say that personnally I always felt like the world isn't made for me either. Female INFJ talking here. I get that this feeling is worse for men and i empathise with you. Nevertheless ... for romantic relationships, if you find the right one, you'll be far better equiped to make it work. So maybe it doesn't suck so much 😉

[@JonasAnandaKristiansson]

Yeah

[@junegerber4028]

@Sarah J Eliza Steer my very favorite life motto in all the world

[@junegerber4028]

do INFJ males look at porn? Do you look at porn? Does your partner know you look at porn? The world's men looks at porn so I assume you do not since you say the "infj male isn't made for the world". Most women would marry a man for this attribute alone - i.e that he did not ever look at porn!! It's not about jealousy - it is about decency!!!

[@joannegild8001]

This really spoke to me because I have a “perfect” relationship EXCEPT for the emotional intimacy part, and that feels so important to me. Thanks for clarifying.

[@presentlybikepacking2535]

This is so important to me, bc I feel like we are just wasting each other’s time if the person I’m in a relationship with won’t open up. I take it personally when they shut down. As much as INFJs want intellectual conversations, we also crave emotional depth. I use to try to make it work anyway, but just ended up feeling rejected. It’s not worth my time any more to do that. I deserve to be known and to have the opportunity to get to know the person I’m in a relationship.

[@PaigeSquared]

They don't even realize they're missing the best parts of a relationship 😢

[@samanthamakhafola3014]

U spoke my mind

[@gozu9455]

Oh thank god. Glad I was not too demanding when i told my ex i couldnt do it without emotional connection

[@stephanieh5478]

I plan on to explain this to my boyfriend. It's been over a year of me explaining to him that his aloofness and lack of communication towards me HURTS me. I feel so alone and sad. I NEED emotional intimacy! We really need to breakup!. To top things off- he once told me his pride has interfered with him being vulnerable! Cried my eyes out when he told me that. My family also things can get toxic if I don't leave him.

[@stephanieh5478]

If you don't mind me asking- What did you say? Or how did you do it? I need help!!

[@babyqueen2030]

@@stephanieh5478 Look. You've got to put yourself first. If you don't like the way someone is making you feel and you've told him this and he's told you why he won't fix it, it's time to go. There has been too many people sticking around in bad relationships for nothing. Love yourself enough to do like Elsa and let it go. Next time, look for signs that your guy wants to open up but he just needs to trust you first.

[@Lotusblume.8]

Stephanie H check out Matthew Hussey’s One day wager on KZbin. That should help if you’re ready for it.

[@aesthirtruth]

I don't think you said a single thing that doesn't describe my thoughts, my feelings, and my experiences in the same way. That's rare in an 18 minute video. Nice one!

[@pattiking]

Same.

[@grantog123]

Agreed

[@SeelenTaucher]

So it sounds like an infj to me, or a infp who really learned to communicate well, but it gives me more vibes of explaining in a rational way. Aesthir, so are you from iceland? :)

[@jasmineestafia]

I've found that a person has to have a certain level of emotional intelligence in order to dive deap! I used to have a guy best friend that I clicked with on a deep level from middle school all the way into adulthood. The first time I truly felt seen and understood. We believed in and even challenged eachothers theologies and philosophies on a number of subjects. It also didn't hurt that we shared the same sense of humor! What a wholesome connection that was whilst it lasted!

[@joannadziokan3267]

same here. it takes me years to say what I really want in life. I say it when I'm really pissed off with a boyfriend. but I do realise it's my own fault. now I try to open up sooner and don't waste too much time. not easy though as I'd expose my deepest thoughts and feelings. yes, you are right, it's very hard to trust someone. we fear being judged. it's easier to open up to someone who we don't have feelings for because they can't hurt us.

[@specialforcesofliberty1615]

My church Redeemer in New York has an awesome question and answer session after church. It is great.

[@rhondas3017]

This is why women need close female relationships. The need to be heard and understood. Especially when they need to express their emotions. But I want it with the man I’m in a relationship with. I recently encountered my ex bf, whom I have seen periodically over the last 30 after we split because he remained good friends with a family member. It’s always been superficial, guarded, joking banter. But the last time I saw him he opened up about all the feelings and insecurities he had at the time that prevented him from committing. Oh how I wished he had been open and honest back then. We might still be together.

[@kohlerwilcox9011]

Oh my fellow INFJ how I relate to what you’re saying. One problem I’ve experienced is when people think you have emotional intimacy when you don’t at all. I’m almost finished with high school (graduating this May) and I personally feel like don’t have a single friend. And yet there are several people I hang out with every day and they all seem to think that we’re really close and that we’ve been through everything together and just.....no. Not to me at least. I can’t be vulnerable with any of them and they don’t know me at all. It’s almost like they think friendship just means you see each other every day and tolerate one another’s presence. I’m willing to concede that maybe my standards for true friendship may be too high, but I still don’t understand why they act like we’re great friends when there’s nothing there. I really enjoy your videos man. You’ve got a clear talent for this kind of thing. I’m excited to see the next one!

[@claudettedupont]

Kohler Wilcox interesting observations. I experience this same phenomenon with the opposite sex (men). They somehow think we have something amazing going when I barely feel we even have a superficial shallow friendship. Very one-sided in terms of emotional/mental exposure and depth. It’s so mystifying!

[@ClayArnall]

it's not just friends that are like that, but family as well. High school is a confusing time to be honest lol. After you get out, you'll find yourself choosing your friends more because of actual connection rather than just close proximity. And the odd thing is you might find real friendship in people that you might consider unlikely friends.

[@stephanieh5478]

Agree with you 100%. I'm ENFJ and I have friends since high school that we known each other over 10 years now and I feel the same. Just because it's been years of friendship we don't have emotional intimacy!!

[@ustadraju9716]

Truth

[@braveknight2000]

I'm glad I'm not the only one having this experience around friendship. Ugh. Thank God I'm intimate with my husband at least but I'd like some female friendship that isn't based on superficial relating.

[@BirkeClara]

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain." - Gibran This video made me think of this

[@nllionel4926]

Yes :) Gibran really goes to the heart. Also like when he says, on love, how love will thresh us, though the process can be one of pain, it brings us to a place of fulness of experience.

[@PoppinDan]

I believe your KZbin channel will reach out to a lot of people...this is quality content. Everything you talk about really connects with me personally. Also nice lighting that you did in the background 👌.

[@LifeDIY]

Accepting and knowing you aren't often understood or accepted, is freeing. I am ok with it but still long for real connections.

[@jungit6462]

That was perfect. Life is short...people need to ask firm questions and I'm guessing the core desire for all beings is freedom to be. So that involves surrender to conditionings that don't serve that freedom.social order seems to have seeped into love.

[@victoriaholler2949]

So nice to hear a young man that is wise beyond his years. Great video !!

[@user-hl1eo1hz7y]

Fellow infj it feels like you saying the things I cant articulate. Well done. Also being in touch with our feminine side is an amazing strength and gives us balance that others cannot achieve. Be proud to see the other side of the coin, I know I am.

[@destinychild4659]

I need this before there is physical connection. I need that acceptance and understanding. 😍

[@Pearl_media]

Watching this really helped me realize the connection with as you said people confuse love with control, jealousy and entitlement, to Dr. Joe Dispenza´s description (from "Becoming Supernatural") of low and high frequency emotions. Things like jealousy, apathy, guilt, shame, grief, fear etc are low frequency emotions that will naturally create insecurity in relationships, while higher frequency emotions like acceptance, reason, willingness, courage etc are literally what is identified as love and absolutely necessary to sustain a healthy relationship. Love your videos and the topics you chose, I always feel wiser after each one.

[@ShadaeMastersAstrology]

Incredible comment. It’s the control factor that triggers those lower emotions especially stemming from mistrust and insecurity. As children many of us were raised by generations of parents who primarily affirmed based on certain behaviors rarely seeking to understand the thinking process and emotions behind those behaviors. These interactions form young adults who go out into world under developed in certain aspects of their self true expression.

[@libby9574]

How to have a successful relationship with an INFJ? Show up in full authenticity, and always bring your A game. I think it becomes too much of a drain when you are constantly excusing your partner's poor behavior.

[@antoinelyons5323]

You are so right

[@ZenaH.-xy6nz]

As a vegan agnostic antinatalism women (enfp) Living in the middle east .... I can relate to you soooo much I really FEEL those words ... Thank you for giving words to these meanings❤

[@floriankgold]

So, I've been together with my girlfriend for around 4 months now. She is Japanese, I'm German and we met during our studies in Sweden. Already before that I got accepted for an abroad semester in Japan which is were we both are now. In the beginning I was really happy and optimistic and felt so lucky that we met. But after our first bigger conflict last week, I noticed how different we actually are. I underestimated the influence of our different cultural backgrounds and upbringings. She has traveled a lot, speaks perfect English but often I don't feel that she "gets" me. And probably vice versa. And this is what really makes it difficult thinking about the future, as we lack the emotional intimacy. I also noticed that I adapted myself a lot and was not my true self which ultimately led to our conflict. So, I'm going to talk about this together and see if we can work on our communication and understanding enough, or otherwise we are just not alike enough to build this important emotional connection. All the best for all of you having similar issues, always stay true to your self first ♥️

[@AnimeNewsRadio101]

Underrated channel, but brilliant video you made. This is for anyone to understand intimacy and emotional connection with someone cared the love one. I want to care for my platonic (not officially yet) and repair myself for my emotional, heal my break up my ex and emotional available on may 15. I am secure and working myself to stop being so bad.

[@fluffyclouds555]

That part you described about being a young boy wanting a Q&A portion at church is such a sweet and endearing thing to think about. It shows independent thinking and budding individuality which reminds me of my own childhood experiences. It’s interesting how society can tend to fear & discourage deep questions being asked by children. Being an INFJ, it would tickle me to know that my child had such depth. It’s no wonder we as INFJs feel misunderstood and why many of us have low self esteem.

[@falmustafa6851]

As fellow female INFJ/Libra (masculine energy sign). Actually I’m more of the male energy. So there might be an impact if you are an INFJ with feminine sign (water or earth). I’m emotional but practical. Opening up can seem funny but it happens for me when I sense the other is truly attuned to who am I with no judgement that I am not common female energy. I dont bolt or revert to passive aggressive. I can spit out truth to break nonsense cycle and I get that for some it is intense or they are not ready yet. Trust is never easy as for me feeling accepted is crucial. Relationships break cause sometimes we end up being the glue, and assume the best as the other might not be generous to communicate in a relationship. I think it is healthy to assess emotional availability before you go into the deep. Communication not necessarily will lead to emotional intimacy; it can at least establish a sense of mutual respect. And by communication I mean stating needs, expressing ideas, fantasies, ideas and what you love. Not crunch and munch words surface level. Great content. Those who can sit with you and talk about, is your people Clay. That’s what I learned not only someone who sits and listens- and there is beauty at a soul level when both sides discard their ego shield. Love is managing space between two souls. And those who create goodness, acceptance, trust, empathy and support that’s what love is for me. It is not controlling by jealously or validation.. if I need you to validate me all the time 🚨 that’s a red flag that I’m not yet ready to be in a relationship. Personal sense of security, self acceptance and self intimacy mastery in being ok in your skin, then you can build connections out of security not fear Great content 👍🏻

[@mickeybear2972]

About people becoming more attractive to you: yes! I’ve tried to explain this to people but they never seem to understand. I’ll tell them that I’ve literally seen someone become more physically attractive to me in front of my face in real time, and they just stare at me like their eyes have glazed over. My friends have asked me, “Isn’t he cute?” And I’ll go, “I don’t know. I haven’t met them yet.” and they’re confused. Sometimes it makes me feel like I’m crazy for not thinking in the same way most people do. It is so refreshing to hear someone else talk about this.

[@lizlawrence4330]

Clay, you are my hero. Your videos resonate with me on many levels. I had to chuckle at one of your videos where you mentioned keeping a lid on your though processes because it wigs other people out! I am always curious to know what other people have going on in their minds because mine is always going a hundred miles an hour. To truly be able to see the world through another person's eyes, especially someone who is very different would be a unique gift. Open discussion is the next best thing and it is something that I have always valued, but in today's climate, I almost have no time for conversations that are rhetoric, ill conceived, or defensive. Although, there is a level of being "polite and social" that I try to observe as well so that I do not came across harshly to others. Keep up the videos, I find it refreshing to hear someone grappling with life's issues in a sensitive and in depth manner and it re-fuels me since there are so many who come to me for unsolicited advice and council - which can be a bit draining.

[@Alphacentauri819]

I’m an INFP and was the questioner too! Completely. I got some frustrated looks regarding some deep, deep, questions regarding Christianity, the Bible! My parents did not encourage it…they wanted me to just believe. I have a Christian “friend” who’d asked me if I had any shows I’d seen that I liked recently. I shared that this chef’s table episode, which featured a Buddhist nun. My whole focus was on the peace, the serenity, due to some lack of peace in my life… She got absolutely sidetracked by the Buddhist aspect. She stated “Buddhism doesn’t appeal to me”. She was so distracted and/or threatened by the Buddhist part, that she couldn’t “hear” the desire for peace. I would’ve shared the show if it had been a Catholic nun too. Unfortunately she cut off a potential connection, by fixating on her self protection. I now feel unsafe to share…

[@karissa3521]

I feel like your videos would do incredibly well in a podcast format. You are very thoughtful in all your videos and they all feel very well rounded and complete. I love how you take an idea, expand on it, and give authentic applications to life.

[@lancelotdufrane]

I am self monitoring, to not send this to,......my clan. 😏... I just called my daughter, to, inquire, if my thoughts, as such, today, are valid....or crazy. Thankfully, she didn’t pick up. I get ,..... embarrassed, that I seek so much understanding.... Then, Clay, your post showed up. Man... incredible....

[@user-sn6ez7gu8q]

Listening to you and your videos has opened my eyes, really. I finally understand things I wish I had known in my twenties. Your purpose in life is definitely coaching others to finally get themselves and reassuring us that we aren't weird in our INFJ-mind, longing to be with somebody who gets us too without having to explain or justify ourselves all the time. Or like you said "who you can trust with everything that you are, that you think and that you feel". Keep sharing what's on your mind. Your thoughts are really precious. Thanks.

[@janetstilwell6803]

Emotional intensity arises from a need to share yourself rather than your thoughts. It is not a male-female thing. It is a secure soul (inner self connection) vs a personality self (adaptive outer-World orientation, trying to fit in or present to others what living in this culture expects one to be.

[@camillepotter9580]

I forget just where I read this, but "intimacy ="into-me-see". I found that so helpful at the time, and still do.

[@bethanymeskel7567]

I would love to see you do a video on male vs female INFJs. I have never been able to have that deep emotional intimacy in relationships until I met my fiance who is also an INFJ. So yeah... It is really nice to have someone to go super deep with and not think that you are crazy.

[@MarlaJaneNZ]

Clay, that video there is a beautiful example of an INFJ being open with their Ni_Fe meanderings, and was truly a joy to watch, listen to, and even laugh at the honesty of what was said. So we INFJs might come across as a bit goofy or high spirited when we get caught up in explaining our latest theory on a subject close to our hearts... and buoyed up by knowing at least one other human being truly / unconditionally accepts us, no matter what we say to them (no matter how outrageous or out-of-left field it may be). A respectfully cared for INFJ is indeed a pleasure to witness. Namaste :-)

[@cchampa17]

such a great video. i love when you mentioned the concept of being open about your attraction to other people with your partner. i notice a distinction between close friendships and my previous romantic relationships, where in the friendships i was able to talk to that friend about people we found attractive or admired, and this wasn't in servitude of an underlying conversation that secretly says something like "i value this person we're discussing more than you, and want you to align with their traits". that sort of conversation, just discussing what you like about people and not manipulating the friend into feeling insecure or unworthy, or tricking that friend into thinking that we feel some semblance of superiority over them and are trying to covertly express it to them to keep them under our control, is a very beautiful thing. apologies for the rambling way in which i wrote that, grammar is not a strong suit of mine lol. but then i've been in relationships where i felt like the other person was trying to tell me that i wasn't enough, like they were comparing me to this entity that they felt an intense appreciation for. this could be partly because that person was actively attempting to cultivate instability in our relationship, and i'm still trying to analyze that situation and see if they possessed narcissistic tendencies, but largely it was the result of my own insecurities. i remember my mother used to say how much she was proud of other kids throughout my life, but rarely did she tell me she was proud of the person i was inherently or took interest in stuff i naturally gravitated towards. this created a fear in me, something you might refer to as an unhealthy infj trait (i am an infj-t), that i was never enough, which became even more amplified when someone pointed out characteristics i didn't possess that they thought were intriguing or valuable. its a weird thing to sort through, and i hope i can achieve an internal peace where i'm no longer comparing myself to others, but ultimately i feel a little bit of regret for how frustrated i would become when my partner would share such information with me. granted, she would say things like "i know you dont like that guy, but i would fuck him", but developing a sense of self respect and security i think will prevent me from abrasively reacting to certain stimuli.

[@lynettehoselton9519]

Oh my gosh..I totally relate to the emotion connection leading to making the person more attractive all around. I think two INFJ’s would be the ideal relationship for me otherwise in most relationships I am taken wrong and misunderstood. I can accidentally offend because of my directness. I think on a very deep level, I lose people. My strengths though that connect me are my deep genuine, authentic caring and love for others that draw them to me. Sort of weird, like oxymoron. Obviously, I’ve had my morning coffee. I will go back to my happy place in my shell now. Thanks for listening. Thanks so much for the videos. Tremendously helpful to confirm I am not abnormal. The biggest take away for me is wow what a fantastic revelation if I were actually connected to a male infj, to understand each other, the possibilities would be phenomenal! Thank you Clay for putting yourself out there. I’m not that brave.

[@waltermelon920]

I just found your channel for the first time and it’s so interesting hearing your thoughts. I’m an ENTP and resonate with the struggles you brought up about not feeling understood or things you say/question that might get judged by many…I loved what you had to say though and appreciated finding a video that organized this subject in a manageable way😂 safe to say I will be doing a deep dive into the rest of your channel. New sub woot woot! 🎉

[@aliciagc2539]

Love this talk! The part about Q&A at church and emailing the pastor with questions is golden. So INFJ. I could see an INTJ doing this too.

[@wildangel4452]

So true on recognizing beauty and not having a desire to possess it. Sometimes it's amusing to see you give voice to the voice in my head

[@matoflynn]

Looking forward to hearing about your 5 pillars. 6 Pillars of Self Esteem is one of my favourite books. Also really important share! Changing the stigma would be so beneficial.

[@JTT126]

I agree, as a man I feel the same way you do about relationships. Emotional intimacy really does enhance the relationship on every level!

[@dawnshape2249]

To find THIS- is to find a sacred, Divine gift. For me Divine Spiritual intimacy - that frequency and vibration that resonates with unprecedented encounters between two romantic (especially,) relationships, is the gate through which all other “pillars” crucial to the INFJ..,INFP (myself) relationship flourishes from. It creates the safe harbor on which emotional and sexual intimacy is deeply strengthened and built within; and once found is to be cherished for life.

[@ronikea]

I'm so happy that I found your channel, I get so many answers here ❤ thank you

[@JB-lq3gf]

Thank you for your videos and esp. this one. I agree that emotional intimacy and vulnerability are requirements for romantic relationships. Also that questioning all parts of religion are super important in finding out what you need to know. For our kids and for our family. (We left a church that chastised my daughter for answering one of their questions "incorrectly".)

[@bellasky4428]

This has come at the right time....What a good way to break this down ...very relatable.

[@maryquinn6661]

Amazing and fascinating subject! It is a very rare person in this world who is capable of deep intimacy!! It takes being “whole” hearted and healed enough of personal trauma/wounds. Key is loving yourself first! All your information is sooo valuable and I appreciate hearing all your knowledge and wisdom! Thank You

[@kalsoomkhan6224]

I feel the same, it is challenging to find people who understands you but are very judgemental. And for this I have became very picky on choosing people who respect others regardless if your views matches or not. Thank you for making this video.

[@boyera23]

This is great and makes a lot of sense. In my personal experience, i work as a barista. Very busy location, and sometimes i am vulnerable with my customers about how im feeling or what i think on something. I get a few reactions that ultimately dictate the satisfaction of the short conversation i have with them. Sometimes i am vulnerable and it makes the other nervous which breaksdown communication. Or i get silent judgment which is akward etc. I can get a few other reactions sometimes even nothing at all just silence from the other person. Now i have found, confirming what was said in the video about vulnerability, that being on the same page is peril for a good experience. Truly emotionally connecting. Ive had this with a few customers and im pleased that they are also so willing to share how they think and feel about me/something ive shared with them and vice versa its not always a personal topic. :) Thank you for this video! It helped me put together what ive been experiencing with others that i didnt conciously see before!

[@vickidimi2972]

You hit the nail on the head with this video! But you cannot have an emotional connection with just anyone because I have come to realize that most people don’t understand that concept, regardless of how well you try to communicate with them.

[@5thdimensionliving727]

Excellent video 👍👍 super insightful. Thank you for sharing some really great content on emotional intimacy. I’ve been scratching my head recently thinking why I’m not happy in my current relationship when on the surface it should be ok - both physically attractive, financially stable, healthy, independent, etc. it’s because my partner does not understand my emotional needs. It’s such a significant observation that could be the death of our relationship long term. It what distinguishes between a situationship with a relationship and I definitely signed up for the latter. So, thank you for going through my critical issues for me to base my review on 🙏🙏

[@theetravelhippie]

this video really hits the nail on the head. very eye opening during this pandemic

[@888cassel]

Excellent video - keep thinking out loud - great thoughts well worth mulling over .... Thanks !

[@dimuthuedussuriya7204]

You're amazing..an INFP here.I never got the secrecy and dishonesty,often kill me inside.had this problem with most of my relationships.it is a pretty sad state.wish I met people like you.really miss having a open conversation without being judged.

[@sarahkhalil245]

To be honest, I surprise everyone around me by going against common sense and basically waving my vulnerabilities around to anyone who wants to get close to me romantically. I also think I do it as a test, I want to see what kind of person is this and how comfortable is he gonna be with opening up and genuinely sharing. I just can’t really know someone without being able to genuinely talk and communicate with them. I also think love has a different flavor to each one of us and I do believe in the different love languages because I have experienced them with everyone around me. People don’t even recognize love sometimes or mistake it for something else. I agree with you that you should always strive to be honest but it has to have some kind of limit if it’s going to hurt someone’s feelings. If your partner isn’t understanding or secure enough, it wouldn’t be just jealousy you’re facing, it might even make them feel less and insecure about the love you have for them somehow. Idk I just don’t think everyone would prefer the ultimate, unfiltered truth and dont get me wrong, I definitely would.

[@FAQIvan91]

As a Christian INFJ man, I can relate to some extent to that part what you said. Although, I think it depends more on culture than religion in this case. Even under the same creed, there are many differences between two places. I must agree with all the rest of the video. In this society, being a sensitive man is frustrating.

[@Alphacentauri819]

It can be both religion and culture, compounding one another. They aren’t mutually exclusive. Religion and a pretty rigid religious upbringing definitely profoundly effected me. Authenticity wasn’t encouraged, conformity was. Therefore, you can’t truly question, truly express, without some strong push back. Many religious people have such entrenched, subconscious, conditioned, unquestioned beliefs…and are triggered so easy in regards to anything that doesn’t align or go along exactly with those beliefs. It seems foreign for them to be curious and hold space, without being threatened.

[@Sophia-ix2ri]

My current relationship is missing emotional vulnerability and I feel the pain of not being understood! We both want to be more vulnerable, but sometimes in the past when I've opened up that has gone poorly in many of the ways you described, so navigating that vision for the future is hard. I know the next step is probably to tell him how his lack of acceptance when I'm vulnerable makes me feel, but being a damaged INFJ I find that idea terrifying. Can't wait to hear your five pillars theory! I've recently realized that I have never experienced a healthy relationship or seen what one looks like, so I'm trying to imagine what my ideal relationship would be so I can pursue it. Perhaps your upcoming video will help me. Thanks for the video, and may we all experience that kind of love!

[@ClayArnall]

It’s a good point. I think it’s hard to know something that you have never experienced. And then once you do experience it, it’s hard to go backwards to when you hadn’t experienced it. It’s only recently that I’ve experienced a few things for myself actually.

[@michaelbrown9891]

I completely agree and resonate with what you say. Since I had a deep spiritual awakening 18 months ago and then unexpectedly fell in love (for the second time) I have had to go deep within myself to discover out who I truly am. Before that someone said to me that I had a fear of intimacy. That really bothered me because I had an intimate relationship with my late wife. Only now can I see and understand that I was not sufficiently open and honest to have had a deep intimacy. Being completely vulnerable and emotionally open without expectations or conditions is true emotional intimacy. To be able to surrender to each other without fear. Both partners must be on the same page for this to succeed.

[@RM-og5tz]

Hi Clay - Your work on this channel is a really helpful collection of knowledgeable, yet vulnerable, communications. I noticed something that seemed worth mentioning: you say “accepted for my ‘ideas’” (~5m40s), which doesn’t feel as quite resonating to/for me. I would also add, or perhaps remind myself, that communication of this acceptance from others doesn’t necessarily have to be with words and, in fact, may often be better messaged by them through physical holding-type connections that are not solely reliant on sexual intimacy, although that is awesome too.

[@anneh851]

Great insights, Clay. Thank you!

[@lancelotdufrane]

Your video prompted a conversation. Thank you. I look forward to more of both. You sound like my own head,..... speaking.... it’s odd....Nice to meet you, Clay....

[@fangdrag]

I am an INTP and I agree with you. I look for emotional intimacy in a relationship in the first place. I think it is called being demisexual when you get attracted to a person more as the relationship progresses longer in time.

[@deathbykindnes]

yuhp, I was gonna mention that, as well ;D

[@aliciamederos100]

Thank you,very helpfull and interesting.Keep them going.

[@lummi94]

I totally live your videos! They speak to me so well it is almost scary :D Super excited about the relationship video :) Great work!

[@joannegild8001]

Really good video. I think we should differentiate between guilt and shame. Most shame is unconscious and you need complete acceptance to get in touch with it.

[@liltsummerlin423]

You hit on so many things that I question. Thank you

[@Donita1213]

For me, I'm starting to realize in my senior years. That trust is a major issue. There are people who act like they want to be friends with me, but I also know that they are big gossips and we live in a small town. and I can't trust anybody who's going to start talking about me behind my back and I really don't know what they're saying. And maybe I shouldn't care but for me trust is an issue.

[@q.sagecress7722]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences in this video. Watching it prompted me to realize many things. It sounds like acceptance is an important interpersonal value for you, and possibly the missing ingredient when people are struggling with self-intimacy or intimacy with others. I hope you wrote down those questions that came to you in church, so you can hopefully ask the artist directly ;).

[@rb3CPO]

💯 Clay…most men are petrified of vulnerability & don’t even know it

[@PoppinDan]

Looking forward to your next video ☺

[@Piscesmoon83]

I just discovered your channel! I wish I have found it sooner I am an INFJ and I am learning more about me! I recently discovered that I need a deep emotional connection in my relationship before I can connect on any other level, demisexual.

[@wyatttucker2437]

Aw man, this totally speaks to an interaction I had with a male friend yesterday. On one hand, I was eager to engage in the conversation, gradually establish a mutual emotional connection, and learn more about how he's been the last few months (despite him being a pretty reticent guy), but if I got too vulnerable and vented about some problem in my life, he'd sometimes drop the conversation if I seemed too down in the dumps. And it's a bit rough since the only way for us to communicate is through texting.

[@hidansektas]

i didnt know what emotional intimacy and was confused. i think you explained it perfectly. thank you. i subbed for more topic i like your voice and your thoughts 💕

[@jaimeflor4181]

As an INFJ, being understood and accepted is definitely a strong desire of mine. Unfortunately, there's not a lot of people that do. I've always felt most understood by other dominant and auxiliary introverted intuition users, but there aren't that many. In fact, until my current relationship, I've never felt genuinely understood in a romantic relationship. Thankfully, my INTJ fiancé understands me better than most people do. Although I do have a few INFJ acquaintances that make me feel understood as well. Anyhow, I really enjoyed this video and the one about the 5 pillars of a relationship.

[@Anna-gs7ds]

I loved this talk except for the talk of jealousy. Bc it isn’t always about control although it can be. But most of the time it’s a very primal vulnerable fear of losing your partner.

[@SGTrainingStable]

I like your presentation and thoughts & level of vulnerability. I’m a Christian & I love to ask questions, hear them, and try to answer them.

[@SeelenTaucher]

As a very male human I can tell, that it was hard for me to admit that I fear-enjoyed the very kind emotional intimacy of an infp female, but since I was not used to allow that "soft" feelings inside myself, my Ego also pushed her away, since she always had Fi Fe high, but Fi was my inner demon. Plus had my troubles admitting, that I did not know how to feel or act in certain situations, so pushed away Fi even more and tried to control with overthinking and tried to overanalyse and go into Thinkingloops...until embracing and welcoming my Fi, which softened me much more and also had been able to Fe more with the world outside. So admitting that my weakness was in not allowing myself to feel insecure, feel sad or anything like that....was really hard way of process...

[@MrLarsagne]

You deserve more subs. Such a chill dude!

[@JackieCali]

I wish I had you as a friend❤️. I’ve been binge watching your videos and it just makes my day even though I’m an INFP. I certainly wish my relationship were better. He shows no feelings and expresses no emotion. It’s driving me nuts and I feel so alone. I think I’m better off single. I’m too loving and emotional for my current partner.

[@antoinelyons5323]

I really understand how you feel it sucks

[@cindychurch335]

I had a 30 year marriage disintegrate due to lack of emotional intimacy. Looking back it was never healthy but children took the place of it, so I survived until they left home. As we grew older it got worse to where I couldn’t even discuss things with him or feeling understood. I met someone who filled that need in me and left my marriage. I’m not proud of that and regret hurting him. I think he just didn’t know how to be intimate.

[@tiffanybaltimore3757]

You hit the nail on the head!

[@TastyShepherdsPie]

@10:30 exactly, I’ve rarely felt this way. I’ve only felt this way with my high school girlfriend. I’m 20 and have a long while to find people who don’t harshly judge, which is the silver lining here. I think it is simply rare to find people who actually make you feel completely accepted; It’s just a rare feeling. A lot has a lot to do with the ambience of your connection with someone to begin with.

[@victoriousjoy9338]

You have a beautiful mind and how you express yourself is so compelling. Enfp here.

[@SeelenTaucher]

Same thougths here, from enfp as well. So he might be an infj, as like he told, what do you think? Good at explaining but not too emotional. Or maybe an infp who learned to express thoughts and feelings very rational and smooth. :)

[@victoriousjoy9338]

@@SeelenTaucher I think he says he's infj.

[@carriekay5987]

Excellent talking points ... wow

[@gazfearon4629]

Beautiful video, thanks

[@elizabethallred5749]

It's odd, I was in a position where the person actually told me about some of those issues you mentioned as if I was a therapist. Sadly, there was miscommunication and a blow-up before I left. Note this was in Norway as well. I'm also an INFJ. However, I have been the opposite. I have never felt like I could be completely myself with a partner. It takes a lot of time for me to open up.

[@bv3324]

Hey Clay! In terms of Christianity and your questions - I'd recommend that you look into apologetics if you haven't already. I definitely agree that it's important to question and understand beliefs

[@justChristine]

Balancing a communication with openness and true honesty and yet respect for your partner being important to you. Maybe not oh look that person will make a better partner. We need to use respect if you want to be monogamous. Faith is a journey.Everyone's is different over time and may change. I really enjoyed your ddiscussion.It promoted thought and a clearer vision of how infj smooth out their own journey over time.

[@TonettaClay]

Great video and information.

[@Breeze2423]

Love that Clay we need more of a balance between the perspectives men and women...im an infj as well...i would really like to try being with an infj man

[@haben7990]

“is is is” I felt that😂

[@dan-andreantonsen4911]

Thanky

[@xTenshiAi]

Some men that I've spoken to find it crazy that I can find people beautiful but not want anything sexual with them. It's like the idea doesn't compute in their minds so it's very refreshing hear your thoughts on that topic as a fellow INFJ. It definitely varies from person to person so I really hope to find a partner who can understand my thoughts.

[@theetravelhippie]

I wish everyone would watch this, definitely a new sub!

[@giordi729]

I can absolutely relate to the aspect to be more like a woman when talking about feelings and ideas. A friend of mine (a woman) also told me that :-) The funny part about is that, for some women, a man is not supposed to be like that. That shows at what extent we are conditioned by the cultural norms. But the thing is, that I also have been pointed out of not being capable of showing emotions. More often that not, I can’t communicate my own feelings, but I can “rationalise” the feelings of others. That may sound like an INFJ classic, but in reality this can relate to a one sided relationship. Maybe I’m just not feeling emotionally safe enough to try to articulate what I feel? I’m working on that. Some people come out with some kind of “adjusted” ideas about evolutionary theory to explain their point of view about the rule of attraction and the lack of emotional response on men … in part possible true, but the reality about emotions seems to be, like most psychologist are pointing out, that we are dealing with “live long lasting traumas”, because we are not capable of sharing our feelings and to live out our individuality. Thanks for sharing your ideas, I love your channel.

[@ClayArnall]

Patrizio Giordano I’ve heard similar things from other infjs as well. Not great at intuitively knowing our feelings. I wonder if it becomes more of an intellectual process for us

[@junegerber4028]

If you guys were like women - you wouldn't be looking at women...in front of your women because you would know better. When I was 6-10 years old my dad used to comment on beautiful women to my mom. So she cheated on him. I remember that it made me feel ugly as well because he never told me I was cute or pretty. You men are really foolish to not want to get just how massive of an impact your words and actions have on the women who love you!!

[@lexyparks]

@@junegerber4028 I am a woman, and I look at women, with my partner and otherwise. We frequently discuss the beauty of people around us. It has had no negative impact on our relationship. I would rather we talk about everything together- attraction, recognizing beauty, emotions- then feel the need to hide it from each other. Sounds like your dad's issue was a lack of intimacy with your mother more than anything. I agree that if my partner never communicated that they found me beautiful, and never told me they were sexually attracted to me, then them saying it about other women could start to hurt. But then there are bigger problems in that relationship then comments about other women, clearly.

[@giordi729]

​@@ClayArnallCould it be that at the moment we are asking this question it, we are already intellectualizing our emotion? Haha