Enmeshment, Codependency and Boundaries with Dr. Ken Adams

[@MK.19.]

Very insightful. My husband and I are from Punjabi Indian culture. The enmeshment between mothers and sons is unreal in our culture. Really sad when you’re the daughter-in-law and wife. Your are often sidelined and second priority no matter how many times your spouse will claim (after many years, not instantly) otherwise. The mothers are experts at indirect attention seeking (exactly as you explained, she will always claim she’s unwell or needs attention, especially when you and your husband are having a nice time). ON TOP OF THAT, you are often living with the in laws as soon as you marry and this is the first time, culturally, you get to live with your husband too. Now, imagine if he is enmeshed and you’re all living together. Yeah, very lonely and isolating. The son feels obligated and guilt and never wants to move out of the home. I couldn’t do it. Our marriage broke down as a result. He would always stick up for his mother and justify her actions and sly meddling (Indian mother in laws will rarely be obvious with this so the son finds it even easier to defend his mother. Or she will behave differently when you’re alone with her. Both tactics cleverly used by her). So heartbreaking! And if there is more than one son, the one left in the home will suffer with the consequences of enmeshment, particularly with their marriage. I tried to open his eyes up to this and asked him to set boundaries but he will drag his heels, turn it around on you that you are expecting too much or argue with you and create distance in the marriage as a result. His family will echo this and encourage him to pull away. Mother will always want to be priority to her son, especially emotionally. Even if her own husband puts her first.

[@bridaw8557]

This happened to me and I live in North America. I’m Caucasian but I married a highly enmeshed family and mother demands enmeshment from her children and their spouses. The sisters in law were agents of the mother going after me. An incident happened before we got married that I should have protected myself and never married him. He’s a great nice guy. But so passive and let me handle the situation alone. I got very ill from this. I didn’t know what this was and there was no information about this issue in marriage. because I angry, depressed and sick they used this to come after me and gang up. They caused me to descend into a terrible place. I tried unalive myself. I’m still with him. She and her daughter live next door. She’s very elderly and I won’t be free until she’s gone. She’s so hellbent on getting her way and “winning”. By her son divorcing me. That didn’t happen and she acts like he died. He’s right next door for gods sake. She’s so selfish but accuses me of that. They all do. But our relationship has been destroyed and if it doesn’t change soon there will be nothing left of us when she if finally gone. It has destroyed 28 years of my life. I was always a threat. She’s so manipulative in a very subtle way. She still has power to manipulate my husband. She asked him really wept and victimy. A couple days before our anniversary “I dont know why she hates meeee?” I haven’t spoken to her for 8 years she and her daughter project everything onto me, that’s why. It’s a lonely life and if you see the signs of this don’t throw your life away by getting in this hellish drama.

[@Kittyququmber]

I will add another story-my nightmare -married after four years of dating. I am a Caucasian very attractive woman. My husband is East Indian.. We met in medical school/residency. Dating was fun, we cared for each other deeply and had very similar values of finances/investments, raising our daughters etc. His famiky liked me while we were dating but when things started getting serious it started going down hill from there. Three sisters were all dysfunctional in their own way and remain so. The father (both parents had infidelity issues but this father always acted like the biggest victim as MIL cheated first so then he started). The degree of entitlement these people show was astounding. We have two daughters. We both specialized in high press specialities and worked very hard. Then five years into our established careers after fellowship, through no fault of our own my husband bcs of politics in health care and university was let go. My husband sued the establishment and won but three years of a severe struggle. We ended up moving across the world from NA to Europe and Asia. At the time I thought I would die. Moving to a foreign country with two daughters two dogs and a rabbit when one does not speak the language is not easy. This was way before emails came out. God does not often give you something you cannot handle. This was a blessing to keep us together. His dysfunctional family could not poke their nose and drive us apart. 35 years later we are still together but the major struggle that rears its head is the misdirected anger he displays onto me that should be towards his sisters snd parents. When i was younger I always felt I was a weak person. Looking back I pride myself that the old vicious snake mother could not bury me. From ignoring or berating me to encouraging my husband to seek out ex marital affairs when our daughters were 3 years and the younger one 6 months. The sisters supported her and would contribute to intensifying the discord. I pride myself on the success of my two daughters both polyglots (4 languages each),both Ivy league scholars from Harvard and Stanford, and very successful. I am still married to him. He knows he has an issue but it is so deeply layered. If he wants to and does lash out anger, I throw it right back. Until he starts acting that he respects me as his wife, I distance myself. Sometimes it takes s few days. Sometimes weeks. Sometimes it takes months. Our oldest daughter will not speak with her father unless her husband is on the call or video connection. He has unconsciously tried to enmesh her. This caused a rift between her and me years ago. Now I think our relationship- hers and mine is stable. Out younger daughter is estranged from her father for almost a year. She will not tolerate any enmeshment behavior with him. My husband is a very caring man and very good father and a very good physician. Unfortunately he was born to this crazy dysfunctional couple and had mo clue how to be an “intimate feeling safe”partner. Strife, conflict, and chaotic urgency-most often instigated by the his family of origin compounded with the lack of having the chance to grow to what he wanted to be and do… i still stand by him bcs when it comes down to just the two of us… we do so well.

[@Ilovenature872]

I had to break off a relationship because my ex mother was very hostile to me. It's been almost 4 years, and the words replay in my head.

[@saras.2173]

Start at 6:57

[@vickilynn9514]

You can feel driven by guilt in a disengaged and neglectful family also, when the kids feel responsible for their unhealthy parent. They are NOT opposite situations. And avoidance comes from enmeshment, bc relationships feel too intrusive. I feel like the characterizations here are not very nuanced.

[@bridaw8557]

Yes. An avoidant attachment style and avoidance of committed relationships because they are still under the obligation of the family. If the mother and family ask for continued help into old age, there is no room for a spouse. If they do marry, the spouse is most likely to be codependent and anxious attachment style. The mother and family feeling threatened by a spouse who makes requests for boundaries, it causes lots of conflict and ends up breaking because the mother comes first and drives a wedge between them. That’s what happened to me.

[@wheathusk2499]

Yes exactly this lady is talking out of the rear end 😂

[@Kittyququmber]

A soft start gets met with “that’s your problem” or “that’s not true”. A brick wall?? At least a brick can be taken down brick by brick, but concrete wall is harder. Seen five different marital therapists, not once did the idea of enmeshment come up. Hours and hours of counselling but never got to the real issue. Denial, holding back truths that never were revealed and false promises -repeatedly broken. Internal anger continually mis directed to the spouse .

[@shade1427]

What do I do if my girlfriend is equally enmeshed with her mom? They text eachother all day every day incessantly and she acts like that's normal. I'm certain if I brought it up she would take severe offense as if she's insulted by that. What happens when both parties are equally enmeshed?

[@Michellechalfant]

This is a great question. I would love to make a video dedicated to this topic, so be sure you keep on the lookout for that! One of the most important things in any relationship is having solid, honest communication with each other. Before you bring up something like enmeshment, you want to make sure you have that foundation where you can talk about anything openly. Once you’ve got that in place, you can bring up a curiosity around the frequency of connection with her mom or even possible enmeshment, without it coming across as an accusation. Focus on creating that healthy communication first, and it’ll make the conversation smoother. I hope this helps you 🙏🏽

[@Geronimo2u]

Codependent mother and a narcissistic father creates enmeshment within children, and eventually the codependent mother becomes a narcissistic mother as she had to cope with a husband who was narcissistic. Having enmeshment with adult sons , before you know narcissistic mother in law who really doesn’t want any daughter in law as they are in the way of their plans.. the children will experience problems in their marriages. Sadly you see the adult sons that live with their mothers, almost like surrogate husbands , you see the adult sons who are serving these mothers, but the same sons are often not great husbands to their own wives, and just a yuck of a mess.. some cultures like English and European they do this in an acceptable covert ways.. often playing the victim roles.. sone cultures like middle eastern are very overt showing and in America we just don’t talk about it until we get divorced, stressed or too enmeshed

[@danijudy92]

Yes, yes, and yes. The only point to add is when the parents' marriage falls apart, the same narcicistic father will develop enmeshment with the daughter to fill the void of narcicistic supply left by the mother. These adult children will need to develop incredible insight and awareness for healing and strength to emancipate and hold a good boundary - or the cycle will perpetuate to another generation, if they can even manage to produce one.

[@MinkaLovesPineapples]

Fantastic video, thank you for this.

[@modeldrmegan]

So much emphasis is put on married partners. What if I’m dating a mother enmeshed man and it’s been a year? Since we’re not married, should I just run?

[@Michellechalfant]

I would 100% encourage you to work out these issues before getting married. You should work with a coach or a therapist that specializes in Couples work 🙏🏽

[@VanguardOfLight]

Thank you, this was a great video to start my day.

[@geaca3222]

38:11 a lot of relentless and forceful push back to be expected from the parent. Okay, you discuss that too, thank you. 🙏

[@annak3573]

Sad, would have loved to hear what he was saying but the mic is really bad, I had to stop midway. Maybe do a mic-check with guests just to make sure your listeners can hear. I tried highering the volume then I had to quickly turn it down when it came to you and it got tiring after a while so I just let it go.

[@janetplanet8811]

Is it still “emancipation” if you blow up then storm out and never speak to your parents again? I probably needed some help with that. Ugh!

[@bridaw8557]

Dr. Adams, in other videos, has said that emancipation is not amputation. Putting a wall up but feeling guilty or not addressing the impact on your life is not emancipation