Enmeshment, Smear Campaigns, Narcissism, Calmness, and Self Differentiation

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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC is a relationship coach and marriage and family expert. He coaches clients in the healing and powerful work of self differentiation. In this video he hosts the Family Tree live broadcast with a Q & A from live viewers on many topics. He brings his unique approach to healing and recovery and personal growth and his 40 years of experience to answer questions for viewers. To work with Jerry Wise or to obtain more information contact him at [e-mail] or 317-919-6264 (USA). He has clients all over the world and works online to help them get unstuck and achieve their goals.

[@jerrywise]

👇🏼This is how I can help you 👇🏼 ➡FREE 84-Minute Training: "Build The REAL SELF You Were Never Allowed To Have!" jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 🆘FREE Toolkit for Instant Family & Relationship Detachment join.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/ 🔥🔥🔥 6-week online program 'Your New Road To SELF': Break free from toxic family patterns, heal the damage, and discover your true self! program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/

[@yourpetyourway]

One time I asked someone a question that was none of my business and she replied, "Now how will the answer to your question impact the rest of your day?" and I've used that one on my mom ever since.

[@dawnacoxon3111]

That is a good one but I also noticed something else cool about your comment... I’m Dawna too!!! ❤️

[@yourpetyourway]

@@dawnacoxon3111 I secretly love the spelling of our name.

[@dawnacoxon3111]

@@yourpetyourway I love the spelling of yours too 🤣🤷🏻‍♀️❤️

[@tamarayoung2534]

My family scapegoated me and lied about me so I told them that since we never agree on how situations or conversations went, we should email so that everything can be recorded and we’re able to use punctuation for emotion so none is assumed. I thought that I was going to be devastated but I actually feel so much better. For the holidays I’m working, relaxing, and volunteering and I feel so much less stress. The holidays were just another opportunity for them to reject me. My brother is the only one who emailed me over Thanksgiving. So be it.

[@tamarayoung2534]

Spring Lemon Thank you. I thought about that too. I’ve been trying to reply with simple stuff like “I’m good, how are you?” I did tell my brother that I’m going to a Korean day spa. I actually thought about them thinking that I’m really going to like an outpatient cause they accuse anyone who disagrees with them as “mentally ill”. It’s too much info! I’ll be more careful from now on. It’ll probably be fine for a while until they realize that this is permanent, then the games will probably start over.

[@tamarayoung2534]

Spring Lemon KZbin videos like these have made me see how common these tactics are. I thought it was just my family before. I wonder how many people over the years have been institutionalized for calling out a Narc’s behavior or being the unlucky scapegoat?

[@texuztweety]

God bless you Tamara. I am so glad you found videos by Jerry Wise! He is spectacular and so brilliant.

[@eurokay4755]

Tamara Young - I'm in a similar situation. I find out after the fact that my Mom and brothers, and their families, have traveled together for vacations and even to a relative's funeral in another state. (Mom had called to tell me about the death and say she wasn't going to go to the funeral since she'd just returned a day before from visiting to say goodbye. I stupidly thought she was looking for affirmation of that decision. A few weeks later, I noticed a bunch of photos on her dining room table: her, my brothers, their families, my aunts and uncles, cousins eating together at a restaurant, etc. When I asked when they were taken, thinking they were from the previous year or two maybe, she became very flustered, muttered that they were from the funeral and left the room as quickly as possible. This type of thing has happened several times. Each time, I feel hurt, confused and then angry and guilty at the same time, trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I'm on the road of self-differentiation now, and accepting that I don't need to understand why they exclude me. I only need to expect it, and stop assuming they will include me. A good friend told me, "You don't need to understand a hurricane. You just need to know where it is so you can protect yourself", i.e., stop trying to figure out why they do hurtful things and just anticipate it. For some reason, this keeps me from feeling negatively about myself when I get "hit" again, and allows me to just objectively observe their conduct kind of like animals in a lab, having nothing to do with me (which is what Mom always said when I used ask why nobody thought to include me and my family , anyway). I can invite them for holidays or trips if I want, and I do, but I understand that when they join us, it's purely to maintain the facade of a close, happy family that Mom desperately needs, not genuine affection, and that's o.k. It's interesting to watch them occasionally realize that my in-laws and our close friends know me and my family better, and have more shared experiences with us, than they do.

[@eurokay4755]

Tamara Young - I also scrupulously avoid giving personal inormation about my plans, hopes, disappointments, worries, anything personal at all, with my family of origin. I hear all about theirs from them, usually harmless, but they'll try occasionally to gossip about each other to me. I have said to each of them that I won't talk about the others if they aren't present, but they try to engage me, anyway. It's hilarious how easy it is to complete change subject or get out of the room. I've even faked getting a call on my cell in the middle of their story to avoid participating. They don't seem to notice what I'm doing, but that's fine with me. It's very liberating to realize they're just trolling, trying to pull you in, but they don't care enough about you to notice that you're not providing juicy info, speculating about or criticizing others with them. They just continue with whoever's there who will participate. Sad, empty lives.

[@jeffrey332]

You are very wise Mr. Wise. You always make a crazy amount of sense. I really value your videos. Thank you

[@smmn722]

I love listening to you it makes feel someone is in my side and it’s safe

[@texuztweety]

Jerry Wise, you are a calming force in my life, the voice of wisdom and a beacon light in a storm. Thank you!

[@laurajane4806]

As the family scapegoat, I've spent hours and hours learning about this topic. Perhaps its mean, but I find it entertaining to mess with narcs. Of course, I don't do the horrendous things they do to me and each other but do enjoy working their weaknesses. For example, they are conflict wimps. They talk behind your back, deflecting and making stuff up, but absolutely cannot do it to your face. They can't say "no" (to your face). So, if you really need something, go to them and ask for it, since they can't say no, lol. Another example is, you can totally tell them exactly what they've done to you as long as you use a happy tone stating how it benefited you. You will see the confusion in their face, but they can't help but react with a glow to positive compliments. Conversations with them are merely information gathering opportunities. They're sifting for nuggets to use for themselves and against you. Don't comply. Answer questions sort of yes or no, with no explanation, then change the subject. Never ever argue with them. Be firm, straightforward and calm (all things they cannot be), but very short with any answers, just grey rock. No matter what type of mood you're in, express happiness, with a "things couldn't be better" attitude. They hate this as well. :-)

[@michellelippincott6097]

😂 Love this! Wish I could've done it years ago!

[@andrearush6209]

35:00 - Thank you, thank you, thank you. This is the tact I've had to take after some messy attempts to "fix" stuff that just can't be fixed. I've let go of the rope and am moving on. So sad but so healthy. Thank you.

[@donnarinelli]

You have helped my sister and I so much. We are in our 50s and just now learning of our Narcissist mother. TY for your videos. I look forward to any future book.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Yes, I'm 50 now, but I didn't even START to see this aspect of my mother until my late 30s early 40s because she is SO pleasant so long as you go along with her narrative. So for a long time I didn't see the extent of the issue, because when she was cross with me I thought that I was just thiiiiiiiis close to getting through to her. I never joined up the dots and I never counted all the times this same version of misunderstanding had occurred. I never thought, here we go AGAIN, she shuts down all discussion and makes herself the victim. So I would give up trying to be heard and we would fall back in to the fake surface pleasant relationship. At the moment, Sunday lunch, she ''poached'' my teenagers over to her house for lunch. I am not preventing them from going because I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be manipulative.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

you're lucky your sister and you view it the same way. My brother thinks we had a great childhood and thinks our parents are fantastic. He had a different childhood and they treat him completely differently from how they treat me. So it's very hard not to end up 'losing' him too. Because I just can't be around his view of it all. ie, that they've been wronged by me. That they ARE the victims of me. That their feelings matter. That mine don't exist never mind matter.

[@marysheamahiques3712]

Lucky you...my sister IS my Narc.

[@josephineananda]

Me. Not I.

[@danielledejardin4778]

Very helpful for people who feel they owe everyone an explanation , and generally defend their choices. Especially helpful are the examples of dialogues.Your video's are life changing! Your manner and tone have a very calming effect.

[@mervyngreene6687]

This was the biggest problem for me. I always felt the need to explain and defend my decisions about my relationship with my family. I have learned simply not to answer the invasive questions. I simply reply that I don't discuss my relationship with my family. Also, it is always problematic to sound like I am badmouthing my family.

[@starseeds8121]

Self caring and self differentiating in the place of self-abandonment.

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

Thank you, Thank you!!!! I have been learning to trust that God will protect me and deal with the narcissist. What a relief it is not to have to figure it out and force an issue. God's got my back!

[@faith48233]

Gwendolyn Wehage No. wrong. This is about science. This is NOT church.

[@rhythmoflove2]

Profound teaching as usual. Thank you.

[@junepeyer1200]

Great videos, as usual Mr. Wise!!!!! I grew up in a very enmeshed family. I was scapegoated a lot and seen as the rebellious one, although I never got in trouble outside the house for anything that is typical of a rebellious child, so to speak. I just asked a lot of ‘to the point’ questions that angered my narcissistically injured mother and a few of my six siblings. I became a police officer at age 22 and was told after about a year of working as a police officer that I was distant, estranged and that I didn’t care about my family. That’s how enmeshment reacts to someone who is a self-differentiating law enforcement officer! My narcissistically injured mother died three years ago; a year after my move to Germany with my husband’s job. I retired from the police department in 2013. When it came time for her funeral, three of my siblings got mad when I decided not to fly back to America for the funeral. I decided not to attend the funeral because when I left for Germany, many of my siblings began triangulating about my decision to move to Germany and accused my husband of taking me away from the family. I knew the funeral would have been used as a punishing platform towards me. I wasn’t about to have a bunch of flying monkeys attack me at a funeral of all places. My family members continue to have a difficult time with my move-it’s been a little over 4 years in Germany. I’m still the scapegoat and since I’ve decided to study psychology and write a book about growing up in an enmeshed family with a narcissistically wounded mother while I’m in Germany, none of them communicate with me on a healthy level. One brother is emotionally cut off. I developed a lot of new boundaries and have had a lot of really great new experiences living here. I know a few may be envious. I know a few don’t like the path of better differentiation I’ve taken. My oldest sibling excoriated me on Facebook for a quote from Alice Miller’s book, Breaking Down the Wall of Silence and my decision to study psychology. She posted very angry responses full of projected feelings and repressed anger. I didn’t respond to her responses, as I realize she quite often experiences Amygdala hijacks as a result of her own narcissistic wounding. She has proven to be very similar to my mother. She has tried to idealize me by calling me beautiful, talented and smart, or she will totally devalue me by calling me mentally ill or a narcissist. I know this is a result of splitting/black and white thinking, but for my own mental health I’ve gone no contact with her. It helps to understand how my mother was narcissistically injured, so that I can, in turn understand why my siblings behave as they do and why I do too. I really like Bowen”s theories and also Attachment theory.. it’s ground zero for how we are made! I think family systems theory is in my future!!!!

[@Julienna]

Hi, June, how is your study and book doing? Im very curiuos. I hope you are well and happy in Germany. 💗

[@junepeyer1200]

@@Julienna it’s going well.. how are you? The book is goofing through editing and I hope it will be out within a year. Hoping soon to return to America.

[@andrearush6209]

Thank you for this. It is super helpful in understanding my own story and options I have. Letting go can be hard but it is my best choice at this point. The romantic hope of reconciliation is just not a reasonable possibility. Estranged from one (abusive) brother, sister who has hijacked the family narrative, and a father who is too old now to consider anything other than what he's known and been all my life. I love him like crazy but he is also the one who fostered the narrative and N pattern in the first place. Moving on, finding family in friends, and trusting the path will be made known by the One who knows me and loves me for who I am, but loves me too much to leave me there.

[@junepeyer1200]

@@andrearush6209 wow! That’s powerful and very healed!!!!

[@yvonneoakes550]

Thank you so much Jerry! I have to listen to your videos over and over so that it sinks in. So awesome!!!!

[@cartour8497]

This guy is a genius. 👌👌

[@SB_McCollum]

Enmeshment and saving (particularly thru charity) - what a great insight! I’ve done this so many times, and was about to do it again “sacrificially”, but I didn’t realize this was a systems feeling I was trying to satisfy. This is huge for Christians, but I’ve also understood for awhile that my relationship with the Lord is askew because I keep projecting family behaviors on Him that are outside His actual character. Thanks a million for adding this example at the end. Over time, it may actually be worth that much. I’m trying to retire, “but what about giving to God? Think about how much money you could give to --- if you just kept working [til I drop], or maybe you should give a large amount now so God knows you put Him first.” It’s all a systems feeling play on guilt, isn’t it? Acts 17:24-25 “The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth... And He is not served by human hands, as if He needed anything.” Giving is a good thing, but,...you get it. The fault, the responsibility, is rolled off of me. Wow. Wow wow wowy wow.... ❤️

[@bjorneriksson420]

Today started out as a bad day, but turned out to be better than I ever could expect, as I watched your video with all on point bullseye example that you explained. That mobile that you mentioned have start to move for me now, as I finally learned what emeshment means, and boy am I emeshed.. I finally feel that I can have the ability to change things with in myself! Thank you for what you do Jerry, you make so much sense. You truly are Wise!

[@starseeds8121]

Observe it and not absorb it is the key to de-enmeshment.

[@wordswordswords.5422]

I don't completely agree with the idea about curing loneliness. It might work for some people but I don't think you can always control it because I think it requires a reciprocity from another person who cares about you (at least it does for me) and it's not just casual social interaction. I don't think you can control whether or not you meet someone who will fulfill that need. You might and you might not. I think loneliness is a really deep and powerful and negative experience for some people and requires very deep connection and love to overcome it. That's just how it is for me. I can feel lonely in a crowd or lonely at a party or lonely in a group or whatever. The only thing that makes me feel less lonely is reciprocal love. Just wanted to add my thoughts here.

[@sherij9847]

Your vibe controls your Tribe. We’re lucky if we meet someone romantic or not who we mesh, or sync with. Otherwise, you’re right. You can feel lonely in a Crowded room in any Crowd.

[@Gemmarose9012]

@@sherij9847 Your vibe controls your tribe is utter nonsense.

[@blackmarketgoodness5715]

Your vibe controls your tribe; this is true if you are mentally ill. The weakest link must always be catered to. Undeveloped psyches lack containment, and require those in the environment to contain them - this is the sort of vibe that controls the tribe. You can have a good vibe, but it will only work to spread its goodness if it is around other mature, well-developed vibes. Bad vibes are much stronger and infectious because they target the less evolved part of people, the part I call the threat management system. Bad vibes disable the best in others.

[@klowndogrock]

You're saving my life sir. I cannot thank you enough for sharing this wealth of wisdom.

[@pearlyq3560]

Absolutely loved this long video -- usually the others leave me longing for more, but actually this video really made me want to hear more from you. It is nice to see a more deeper take on things. Your views are refreshing compared to all the other negative, hopeless "NO CONTACT END OF STORY" videos. Thank you. You're a real blessing.

[@starseeds8121]

I want to change. I don't want to roll with their boundarylessness anymore.

[@mervyngreene6687]

I found the best way to deal with the whole issue around trying to avoid badmouthing my toxic relationships was to simply limit my statements about my family. We have to be careful with the urge to explain or defend our actions. Although the questions might be perfectly innocent, how we answer is up to us.

[@jerrywise]

That's great Mervyn Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my KZbin channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my KZbin channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com

[@jillwhiting919]

The smear campaigns started when I was five years old with my Narc mom and I can not get her to stop calling me.

[@AnnaPrzebudzona]

Pangs of loneliness - I know it so well. And I like the advice you give - be proactive, preventive, mature, reasonable.... All the things I don't know how to be. Yet? You encourage to ask yourself - if I didn't have those pangs of loneliness, what would I be doing? I find it impossible to access that information when I feel lonely. The only thing I want to do is to enmesh and disappear in the fusion. That's why I can never just go out and be with other people when I get into that painful state of loneliness because I become a black hole. There is no PERSON who could interact. I become a NEED.

[@Kwood10]

It seems so many families have problems & are dysfunctional . It’s sad not many can get along .

[@starseeds8121]

I am liberated. I am detached. There is nothing to feel sorry about.

[@starseeds8121]

We're going to be empathic but we have to be more cautious because of this fact.

[@Florabebe777]

How do you respond when toxic family members gaslight you and say you're being defensive when you try and set a boundary?

[@jerrywise]

You to them: “You’re right, I may be being defensive, but the boundaries still will be enforced”. LOL It doesn’t matter how they gaslight or mystify, my goal is to share the boundaries and not change their feelings about my choices or actions. I’m working to be different not to change how they think or feel. Because I am powerless over this anyway…. “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics:  The Illusions of the Narcissist  The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists  Living in the War Zone  7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist  10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently  Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding  Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment  Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents  Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have  And more... Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q& A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event s

[@theforeigner6988]

1:20:20 make me feel guilty to keep me in line. What a description of my marriage for 18 years. Thank God there is help. Thank you.

[@teresadexter9965]

That is just now I am !!

[@mlartlife2103]

Another great video by The wise Jerry Wise! You have a true gift Jerry. Your voice calms me down and the way you explain things makes total sense. I hope someday I can embody the practices you speak of.

[@yuk498]

Jerry, you are very wise and very cute in this video! Red really suits you. 🤗

[@samh6658]

You are my Betty, Mr Wise.....what would Jerry say? Keep calm, then speak your truth. Recently I have tried (wherever possible) to wait at least a day before I make any major responses. It helps take the sting out. Thanks for the great videos, thanks for helping me find my peace.

[@karenherrera287]

I remember my 13-yr old saying to us once that grandma hates mom for some reason. So, he is getting the big picture, even if I have not said anything directly to him about it.

[@prescottlady290]

Great work, Mr. Wise! I've been listening to your videos, one after another, and have been learning a lot, also finding comfort in your tone and easy manner. Re: triangulation: I used to do a lot of "venting" about various family members, until, at last, I realized I was only making myself feel worse in retelling the tales. I asked myself what my aim was in having done that , and realized that what I wanted to hear was that I was doing (remarkably?) well, despite the obstacles and abuses I've had to work through. That's all. I haven't achieved much out in the world, and find it hurtful when people seem to be assuming that I had the support that they had, perhaps. And so, deep down, I 've wanted to say how well I'm doing in spite of many, many things. Thank you.

[@lindabermudez-hafer5440]

Prescott Lady, I understand where you are coming from, so let me be the one to say to you, congratulations 🎊 YOU ARE DOING S GREAT 👍🏻 JOB DESPITE ALL YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH AND YOU SEEM LIKE YOU MUST BE A VERY STRONG 💪, RESILIENT SURVIVOR, LIKE SO MANY OF US, WHO JUST WANT SOME ACKNOWLEDGMENT & RECOGNITION FOR ALL WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH RATHER THAN MORE BEAT DOWNS😁

[@yourpetyourway]

OMG you crack me up sometimes!!!

[@sy5545]

“ why are you difficult=why are you not dysfunctional with us” and dance in the same circle…. |o|

[@MariaSantana-ul5wd]

Amazing. This should be taught in every school of learning.

[@tkhaskin]

This is SO good! This information is radically changing my life.

[@FeatheredMoonReadings]

Excellent work!!!! It's always ALWAYS such a wonderful feeling of relief when I hear the realities spoken clearly.

[@alicefielding9308]

35:56 and 37:05 Exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you.

[@silethaking279]

Mr. Wise is very funny, but sooo true “Role with it”🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@debifambro1039]

Thank you...

[@onlyonce1707]

Gosh spot on with this - thanks for this.

[@nicolem2113]

Thank you Jerry! I can soo relate to everything and your wisdom and humor are always very helpful. You have made a real difference in my emotional maturity and progress. Heartfelt thanks and Merry Christmas!

[@annstevens4792]

thank you!

[@rosannecoffman1933]

really like this video!

[@SeanFitzgerald]

Thank you!

[@jrosebud2021]

Thank you for this helpful video! You had me laughing at points.

[@siddiqueafeera3685]

Thanks sir Jerry Wise.

[@Jamieoo77]

Thanks a lot Jerry!

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

How can their beliefs fail if their belief is that they will decide if you have the right to feelings (and you don't) - how can that belief ever fail? I'm just accepting their martyred silent treatment to me. It feels simultaneously like a half finished mess that needs a resolution and also, it feels like freedom. It they want to give me the silent treatment forever until I say ''ok, sorry I said you hurt my feelings''.

[@dorinabollig8433]

I THINK YOURE PRETTY AWESOME . I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR WISDOM.

[@crossingtheborderline6543]

Fantastic

[@teresadexter9965]

I love your views on remaining calm when triggered or upset. It's how I have always been but when I became enmeshed with a narcissistic lady at church, she used to become really angry in her "narcissistic rage " way whenever I waited a few days before calmly and respectfully expressing my feelings. This criticism made me doubt myself but watching this video has helped me to just accept myself as a person who is calm, reasonable and respectful. Some of your responses to these interesting dilemmas are so wise......MR WISE.....you certainly live up to your name!! And it's such a relief to hear a Christian be so reasonable and not inducing guilt....keep up the good work😊😊

[@karenmininni4962]

Jerry says we need to stop defending and start differentiating. Wow, did I need to hear that! I defended until the cows came home.

[@jerrywise]

❤️

[@mjschoensee93]

Very good, solid input.

[@clanmaccus1959]

Another great video

[@johnchacko1425]

your youtube channel is wonderful

[@proudtobeanamerican]

Thank You.

[@jerrywise]

You're very welcome Abbie

[@starseeds8121]

It's an emotional process to separate and not just a geographical process.

[@darinsmith2458]

I have been studying the Bowens Family Systems and trying to apply it the way you are teaching it. I am very impressed how thorough that approach is. I do get overwhelmed if I do too much studying so I have been just doing a little. The studying I have done so far talks about triangulation and enmeshment the way you do. It also talks about that differentiation the way you do. Let me do a little more studying and try to apply it to the videos you are making.

[@geraldinewall7605]

Thank you Jerry I have learnt so much about my self and family systems. I would like to study more about family systems. Geri Wall

[@jerrywise]

Wonderful! Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

Jerry makes a PERFECT SANTA 🤩💡💌

[@saintnick4035]

😂😂except his are the gifts that keep on giving 👍🏽😉 Sincerely Santa 🎅🏽

[@starseeds8121]

Video was a help.

[@starseeds8121]

I am 100% responsible for how I deal with being an empath.

[@starseeds8121]

The calmer I am the better it will be.

[@pearlyq3560]

Of deep concern is pleasing God and dealing with a mother that clearly has no fruit of love. I would love to hear more. People don't really talk about the Christian /Jewish aspects of this issue. It goes very deep and that is one of the 10 commandments. It says nothing about parental responsibilities, but children to parents. I mean really, if you do not honor your mother and father, "not prospering in the land" is not something I want to put to the test. I BELIEVE if you do not honor father and mother, it will not go well. SO HELP!!! Almost no one talks about this -- it is something to be addressed very seriously. It also says not to speak evil of one's parents or death!!

[@jerrywise]

Send me your email address Pearly Q and I will send you a great article to [e-mail]

[@starseeds8121]

Taking the high road is the better route.

[@starseeds8121]

I am estranged also.

[@robbiepeterh]

Leave it to God. What else can one do? "Thy will be done" remember, not my will.

[@michaelmcnally1705]

Prove to me god exists!

[@BedCrimeStories]

I had a family member on hubby's side call up after seeing smear campaign against me on my stepdaughter's Instagram. This lady has been in therapy for years. She seems to think she has the knowledge to act as a therapist to me. She called and offered unsolicited "counsel" and accused me of acting like a child. I was outraged because I didnt ask her and feel she inserted herself into a painful, private affair. When I texted her to say "kindly do not insert yourself in this situation," she snapped back "Do not embroil me in this." I texted back: "You embroiled yourself." Then she typed "Do not text me again." It felt like a dagger to me because I was trying to put up a boundary and this abrupt silencing was like having someone hang up but 100 times more upsetting. I apologized to her but she has yet to apologize. How am I supposed to interact with her at family gatherings now. She scares me because of her psych comments (she's not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or therapist and she's been sharp and dismissive and accusatory in the past to me and others in the family. Right now, I feel so angry at her. I've seen her rush back to an abusive man who was already and still in a relationship when she spent the night at his house. When the guy's girlfriend showed up in tears at his house, this relative of ours was shocked. But she still moved to the city where he lives snd continued to pursue him. She wanted him because he was handsome, highly intelligent, and had in her words "an amazing house to entertain in." What gives her the right to offer me advice when she makes such poor decisions herself?

[@tnt01]

Another excellent video.

[@fishstickbio594]

This happened to me too.

[@starseeds8121]

Take care of me. Believe in me.

[@starseeds8121]

I should have no obligation to answer any question that someone asks me.

[@starseeds8121]

I have a right to my own feelings.

[@starseeds8121]

I'm really trying to understand this self-differentation concept.

[@Jamieoo77]

How to be comfortable in ones skin.

[@starseeds8121]

Even though I feel guilty I don't have to give in. It's not true guilt.

[@juliedevaul6556]

triangle...my fiancé, his ex and her daughter. then mix in his narc mom and sister....

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

no man is worth that!

[@forjusticeandtruth]

Hi Jerry! Great video. I have a question about sibling enmeshment and what might be considered enmeshment. If a partner talks to their sibling everyday, and he is 31, is this considered enmeshment? His family members are pretty needy upon him for various reasons but I feel as if he doesn't set enough boundaries and this ends up impacting our relationship... but everytime I try to address it he gets mad because hes so defensive about his family... his sister called him today just to tell him shes sick! That is really odd to me. Any input would be appreciated. Thank you!

[@mirelladlima5278]

Please make a video on the different roles one takes on i unconsciously in the family of origin. for eg.scapegoat, Golden child etc. Tks

[@jerrywise]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/h4SuiZasYtxpa5o this is one video on "scapegoat" I have another video on resisting the role of scapegoat and I have a video on "The golden child/the golden victim"

[@starseeds8121]

Going to experience systems feelings like guilt to go back.

[@narcissismcentral8228]

I’d love you to do music 😍

[@starseeds8121]

The loneliness is an expression of self-abandonment.

[@starseeds8121]

When defending you are enmeshed. Start self-differentiating instead.

[@bettywormsley801]

🎯

[@starseeds8121]

Look at it as a systems feeling. I did nothing wrong.

[@starseeds8121]

It's not personal it's just the system.

[@brianmedium7265]

Merry Christmas Jerry!! Did you take down another video about Emeshment,that you recorded recently?I had hoped to watch it for a second time, but can not find it now? Any chance of putting it back up.bc like many others I have towatch them many times before the penny drops. Thanks in advance

[@jerrywise]

Brian I have not taken down any videos. I'm sorry you cannot find it.

[@lambchop6278]

..."Hey Mum, how are your hemorrhoids?" ...😂

[@corriebrinkley4391]

He he he

[@mirelladlima5278]

It is only natural for one to get enmeshed in ones family of origin if one has been in the family for a long time. If one marries late it makes it all the more difficult to come out of the enmeshment from the family of origin to fuse in with the new family one had entered or started. Tks. for your valuable insights.

[@starseeds8121]

I don't want to be ruled by that system. I want to be me.

[@starseeds8121]

Working at a 30,000 foot view we become de-enmeshed.

[@starseeds8121]

How do I de-enmesh? Change my thinking and paradigm.

[@starseeds8121]

There is not just one guilt.

[@starseeds8121]

Triggering is enmeshment

[@starseeds8121]

Guilty is going to be a false guilt.