Enneagram: Coaching The 9w1 (Part 2)

[@laureneck8271]

It’s honestly hard to fathom that other types can’t see others’ perspectives by default. This explains a lot. Thanks!

[@MzDrunkky024]

I'm so in touch with people's emotions and others perspectives. Like anyone. I love watching true crime shows. Most people when they hear what this killer has done, they would automatically think oh what evil, what a horrible person.. Not me I automatically think why did he do this. What led up to this. How was this person feeling jn the moment or before that moment. Like how was their childhood. Could his parent of changed the way he would be in the future. Not that I dint think they deserve punishment cuz they do! And I also think of the victim. O how scared they must of been. What were they thinking in thay moment. What would I have felt being them. I cant help it.

[@MrFireman164]

@@MzDrunkky024 same for me

[@lorirees4248]

As a type 9w1 I sometimes feel it’s hard to engage because I don’t think people are listening or interested when I talk. It might be my own perception but I feel this sometimes. Taking part takes immense effort and many times I am content in being in my own world. I live in inertia most of the time. I can space out and I don’t always listen so it goes both ways. My husband is also a 9. Let’s just say that we are probably too contented. There are no goals or plans. I always prided myself on being the observer. Not getting worked up and not having too many opinions. Opinionated people always rankled me anyway. Especially when they thought they had the answers or knew the “right” way. I try to keep distance from those who think they have the answers. Yet I keep searching for answers for myself.

[@zacharyjackson7584]

I can relate to that.

[@Joker-ym4rx]

When you said the 9 doesn't eat, it almost hurt from the sting of truth.

[@justapseudonym7]

My issue with engaging is that I'll want to do it, but because of people pleasing I'll sit for too long at the table, long after I'm ready to go - so I'll keep sitting and maybe mentally disengage. Also there are times I prematurely disengage and not show up at all, because I already know that I'll end up struggling to leave once I'm done. So I'll get invited to a party or a conversation, and it'll sound so fun, but then I'll start thinking "ugh, I'll be there forever though and ugh they'll be offended if I eventually want to leave" Lol, I guess I'm trying to find the balance of it all. When to engage and when to allow myself to disengage so i don't have long seasons of detachment.

[@reikabecky]

This explanation somehow touches deep in me, all the foods on the table seem so overwhelming and will take a lot of efforts eating them...

[@zuzankratka7244]

I think the "not eating enything" also comes from not wanting to offend other numbers. We are afraid that if we choose a certain "combination of food", other numbers will get mad that we didn't choose what they eat. Say I would like to eat a bread with vegetables. One says: "Well why don't you eat cheese? It's the best!". As a 9w1, I know cheese is delicious, but right now I would prefer not to eat it. But since my choice always seems to upset someone, no matter what it is, I choose to stay hungry.

[@stagingmaster]

"I must engage in this life". I totally needed to hear this message today. Thank you!!!

[@twlahue]

You are so welcome!

[@mutia1964]

Although it's hard :(

[@andrewfletcher_music]

9w1 here, greatly enjoyed this video and part 1 as well. Very helpful! I want to add one call to action/practice for my fellow 9s: It's true that we need to engage, but I think it's not always clear to us how. In retrospect, I think my hesitation was actually just sloth/laziness in disguise. So the point here is, you become engaged by forcing yourself to sit down, sit through the self-doubt and the anger and the lack of inspiration and depression etc etc etc (it's a long list) and then, once you've finally started paying your dues, the real joy and inspiration start to well up to the surface. I had feared I wouldn't know what to say when I "got there" and that kept me from trying. By trying anyway, often just to spite myself, it has become abundantly clear what I was meant to do and how I was meant to do it. Stick with it and push like crazy!

[@shemapa22]

I'm glad I came across your message. I needed this, thank you!

[@mangalab.r668]

Dr. La hue..as a 9 w1 I could totally resonate with every word you said here. The inability to sense ones own presence and seeing life as disengaged observer from outside is so true for the 9's. It is also painful and some what eerie. When you mention that 9s feel the hunger and pasion in others but can feel none in themselves is so so true. It is as we are numb to our own self. The second half of the vedio gave me such an aha moment..I know this feeling kind of moment. Seeing your videos is like looking straight into the mirror and seeing your true reflection. Also, please make a video where you can share how to start sensing that passion and hunger and drive. How to get out the not sensing to sensing it. Is there a way to keep my sense attuned to feeling my own self and not drift away? Thanks for the wonderful work you are putting into the world. So thankful to see you.

[@zacharyjackson7584]

"9s get up from the table and don't eat anything" -- dang it 😅 That hit me fairly hard. Thanks for this video and keep up the great work.

[@MsHazelie]

Yes because all of the conflict makes me nauseous lol.

[@khadraLuula]

Selfishness is good sometimes , I used to be selfless , now I give myself permission to be selfish and see my perspective only . Last family dinner we had I insisted to have the New York style cheese cake , I fought for it , there was two pieces and we were three . I would usually wait for others to choose and eat and eat whatever kind left , I was okay with that . To me I feel the huger but I still disengage because it's not comfortable to be assertive and to choose , I shy out of that because that makes uncomfortable . It means I am important , I do matter , my wishes , desires , goals matter . The more I assert , and choose , the more I become visible , the more I am further away from the background where I would safely and comfortably hide. Feeling important , seen , and heard is so good , but also frightening . Thank you so much Dr . This analogy helped me see my patterns clearer , it helped tremendously .

[@dari685]

"the passion of the 9 is to not have these passions" totally agree, we suppress our wants and needs

[@wendysmith9682]

For a 9 There’s absolutely nothing worth fighting about or over. We respect everyone’s right to choose and to be themselves. Live and let live. I’m going home (lol)

[@erigjuzi2548]

As a 9w1 sx, i would say that the most important problem that we have (all 9s) is a lack of connection with the inner self. Not only with desires and preferences, but a whole sense of no connection between consiousness and subconssiousness. No internal communication. And another problem that we have are feelings. We feel numb becuase we can not handle strong feelings, we freeze while feelings them, and so the best way to avoid them is to numb them, so that would leave us on a routione with no highs and lows. And also, i guess the lack of disingagement of us, comes from a sense of the world not being perfect. As Richard Rohr mentions “9 are chidlren of paradise”. I guess we feel a deep sense of disappointment from the world not being perfect, and we passivly aggresivly refuse to live this imperfect life. Thats when acedia kicks in... (Just a few thoughts) Thank you Dr. for taking the time to understand 9s :)

[@MsHazelie]

Thanks for my new word of the day-acedia. I love to learn new words!

[@Pipster807]

I think for me as a 9w1, making a choice like picking up a hobby, choosing a clothing style, getting into a musical genre/artist etc is like the problem of having too many options. Its like going to a store where instead of 3-7 ice cream flavours, there are 75 and choosing one or even two or three is just way too overwhelming to even make a choice so you walk out of the store exasperated and uncomfortable. That is what a lot of life feels like to me. I imagine its probably worse now than it used to be, making any kind of choice or preference in the internet age when there are just so many more options, or at least the awareness of an overwhelming number of options that makes even relatively inconsequential choices feel like a huge commitment, and strangely in a sense like "creating a character" of myself like in the sims based on the options I choose

[@Pipster807]

@ginaintegrityseeker Having an sp element helps me as well, I'm sx/sp (I'd say they're close in terms of dominance depending on the situation). The sp can also make it easy to get stuck in a rut though, believing I like a particular thing because I'm used to it or liked it in the past offering a sense of stability,,, but I find eventuallly that sense of self wears off or feels stagnant when I change or grow

[@boris5950]

What you say reminds me of a book by Renata Salecl called "The Tyranny of Choice" and of Barry Schwartz's TED talk "The paradox of choice". Hopefully collaborative filtering algorithms (MovieLens, Critiker, and so on...) are here to tell us what films we shall like ; well... there still remains too many choice alas :/

[@Candyliz2003]

This is how I see anger in my life. I watch others engage their anger and it looks so unproductive. It's not that I don't feel it -- it's just that it's usually on behalf of someone else. I have CPTSD and I think I'm afraid anger could become rage. I dunno. It's always seemed that anger ruins the ability to resolve problems. In fact, it exacerbates them. I go around it. I'm still trying to understand this. I know that it's my fear of conflict leading to abandonment, but I know there's more.

[@jeongyuqi]

it’s funny because whenever there’s a literal meal my impulse is always to get a little bit of anything that looks like I might like it because I don’t want to miss out on something that could potentially be good and I don’t want to hugely commit to something that could end with me not liking it and then having an entire plate of it - maybe that’s part of my problem irl because I don’t want to commit to something in case I don’t like it and then have wasted time on it

[@PaintLooseWatercolors]

I am an artist and art teacher to adults. I understand now, thanks to you, why I can truly appreciate each student's unique creative expression. Most of my students are clear on what art they like, and don't like, probably because they are not a 9 wing 1. When it comes to my own art, I don't know who I am. Enamored with so many different artist's styles and expression, I adopt each one like a forger, leaving me unfulfilled. I keep asking myself, who am I as an artist? What do I want to paint? I have been telling myself that my artistic voice has no value or that know one will be interested in what I have to say as an artist. This has crippled me artistically and personally for so many years. This new insight will help me to find my own style and appreciate it's unique value. I know now that other's opinions are just their opinion and not truth. It is very comforting to see that I am not broken or defective, but have a valuable place in this world. My quirky personality is just one of 9 and there are others out there like me!!!!

[@nancymdowns]

Thank you. These two videos have been a help. When I see others' selfishness and inconsideration, that brings up a lot of anger in me because others are so oblivious to their selfish behavior that is hurting others, or at least is inconsiderate of others. So then I disengage because that selfishness turns me completely off, and I don't want to desire anything because I see how a selfish desire is a detriment. When you said that the One took all of the cheese and was eating all of the cheese, I thought of someone I know that does that exact thing. She assumes she has a right to ALL of it, doesn't even think about others, or at least doesn't care about them. I felt my righteous indignation rise up against that Cheese-hogging One! :)

[@twlahue]

Thank you so much Nancy for writing those. I laughed so hard.

[@joanmiller2557]

I 100% can relate to this 😂. I had to immediately think about all the others that also want cheese!

[@justapseudonym7]

Wow! I always thought my resistance to engaging was a symptom of my lack of boundaries and people pleasing. So I've been trying to strengthen my no, but it seems I must also strengthen my lack of engagement to life. Being able to say no has also helped, I have a better idea of what I actually want to engage in but I still need to put forth the effort to engage

[@justapseudonym7]

I also used to blame my introverted demeanor for my passivity lol

[@melissaphillis7247]

But what was left? Everyone else ate the "food"..if we have to fight to get anything, we will go hungry...(and tell ourselves we weren't hungry anyway).

[@facesncharcoal4152]

It’s very interesting that this is a metaphor but it still applies to my life literally. I’ve probably forgotten/convinced myself I’m not hungry maybe 5 times this past week. I just check out of my desires and decide y’know...I’m fine as is, I don’t need something else. I definitely need to step back into being active and living life instead of just watching it.

[@pigpink1971]

Being a 9 is annoying. I’m just too tired to want to eat from the table. I really am. The things I wish I had known 30 years ago.

[@bone_apple_teeth457]

I’m a 9w1 and when I went to prom I just decided to put only gumballs on my plate 😂

[@tinafortunato6514]

Wow you are so amazing thank you so much part1 is the best description I’ve ever heard in my life. Mind blowing.

[@deborahlee3484]

This is so insightful and helpful for me, so thank you! You put language to something I couldn't have put into words. This tendency to disengage is something I have to actively fight to make progress and decisions for my life.

[@theUnbridledCreative]

5: I only want vegetables! Me, the nine who kept asking if people wanted vegetables: Finally!

[@MsHazelie]

Yes! I love 5s!

[@jamiesabo3592]

Hi! 9w1 sexual variant here. Not sure which video you mentioned it, but you shared that a friend said that 9s don’t necessarily think people are stupid, but ignorant. My thoughts: I think people are “stupid/ignorant “ because they can’t see all the perspectives. The stronger someone’s opinion is and the more they look down on others’ perspectives, the more ignorant they seem - like, “it’s an opinion, not fact, people!” “Let him have a green house and enjoy it!” 😜So, I don’t think people are stupid in that they lack knowledge, but stupid/ignorant/2 dimensional for lacking humility/capacity for perspective taking. Also, there’s a sense of, “well others are too narrow minded and emotionally dysregulated to handle themselves, so I have to be the one to go with the flow/control myself/neglect my own emotions. In these ways, I feel like I’m awake in my “meta-perspective” when others are asleep in rigidity/2D thinking and I feel quite 4-ish (and lonely!). Lonely because few can see the big picture I see and then I feel a sense of superiority. Also, I can get others perspectives but feels like few can get mine. I used to feel like something was wrong with me for not being able to form an opinion and eventually I embraced that holding all the sides of an issue IS my opinion. Things aren’t clear cut and that is ok. Then, I see how feeling superior in my “meta perspective” is doing the very thing I’m judging in others.

[@naveengamini3445]

One of the best ones I heard on enneagram type 9.. Thanks a lot. I became diehard fan of your content ❤️🙏🙏🙏

[@mariechristine6676]

Hello Tom ! I am 9 wing 1. I have done several internships on the Enneagram. I never had explanations as clear as yours. Thanks to you I understood a LOT of things about the personality of 9. I am French and I thank you for speaking so clair that I completely understand your speech. Thank you for your work which brings me a lot and allows me to understand everything that is happening in my life. I am full of gratitude for you. Right now I'm deep into my self-preservation subtype and I'm wondering what the meaning of my life is and I'm listing my priorities but I'm struggling to take action right now but your videos guide me. If one day I go to the United States I hope I can consult you. Thank you so much.

[@HarryVoyager]

And it's not like the Nine isn't hungry. It's more that we don't want to have to deal with all these crazy people just to get a sandwich.

[@mamaahu]

This metaphor was absolutely illuminating for me. Wow! To call it out as a drive. There’s a piece where’s this ties into my distorted use of spirituality. I guess we’ll use whatever we find to stay asleep...even when we think we are waking up! A not so funny aside, I am literally avoiding having dinner with my housemates right now! Do not want to engage. Ugh. What a challenge! Thank you and still, ugh. Not fun.

[@peterdentice5725]

Whoever thumbs down this video, simply doesn't get it. The nugget that's to be taken is getting overlooked. Pointing out that 9's also have an impulse says to me that the person isn't looking at this from the intended perspective and is missing the point. Nines want to find unity and wholeness, to create harmony in their environment, to feel spacious and at ease, to emphasize the positive, to avoid conflicts and tension, to resist change and preserve things as they are, and to ignore whatever would upset or disturb them. Nines do not want to have conflicts with loved ones, to feel cut off or separated from others, to be angry, to be upset or disturbed, to have their habits or routines interrupted, to arouse themselves or to be emotionally uncomfortable, or to be forced to face unpleasant realities. This is a coaching video. It has a specific target in mind. Its goal is to let the 9 know that it's ok to assert a choice for themselves. That it's ok to make a decision regardless of what another picks as their choice. To feel that they're allowed to make a choice without feeling bad about it and accept that they can't make everyone happy. In their attempt to make others happy, more importantly the 9 is forgetting to make themselves happy.

[@boris5950]

A few years ago I was already on this quest of a path in life and I bought a book called "Refuse to choose", haha xD

[@corriestetzel5115]

I perceive that you are a kind and generous person, Dr. Tom!

[@alexj9603]

My thoughts are: The 9 will eat the leftovers. If they are lucky, this will result in a good meal (with a bit of everything), but they may also end up with nothing at all or just some of one dish only, which isn't necessarily their favorite. Having grown up with two brothers, I know that you have to "fight" for your share at the family table. But transferring this to other situations in life is not that easy...

[@keynekitten7090]

Thank you so much for all of the insight, your videos have been extremely helpful in sorting these things out for myself. It's much apurrreciated!

[@twlahue]

Glad to help!

[@harikrishnansudheendran7144]

thank you so much for the video. it was very helpful. i don't know how to explain it to you. i love watching your videos.

[@Psypomp]

This really resonates even though I always thought I was a 5. As someone in a leadership position, I'm great at building people up and getting them excited about their contribution to the team.... but I also have to fight the urge to disengage when issues pile up. Good things happen when I choose to participate.

[@MsHazelie]

I also identify with 5s and thought I might be one. Probably because they seem the most inoffensive lol. I'm now partnered with a 5 and it's the most peaceful easy relationship I've ever had!

[@Haxelmoon]

9s be like what if i put the cheese and vegetables and meat together to make perfect sandwich? 😆

[@carolinab4809]

This explanation is very funny, and really accurate. Really great video!

[@sandynelson3552]

You have a gift for being insightful. This example is very descriptive of me as 9 w1 , 8

[@yashwanthmithran]

Thank you

[@twlahue]

Welcome!

[@don-eb3fj]

@8:00 if 9 did have an appetite or want to sample anything, the others have already eaten everything while 9 was serving and trying to convince them to try something different- cheese is fine, but after all, there are obvious issues with eating only cheese, maybe try it on top of a salad instead? And leave some for others- even if we're not hungry right now, a snack later might be nice.

[@twlahue]

Looks like 9 needs to step up their game before the cheese runs out! 😄

[@lezlieporter5960]

Yes!!! Very helpful! Thank you!

[@twlahue]

Glad it was helpful!

[@kathyforgues6994]

I am realizing how much I take a back seat to things. I also realized that when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia just how much more I tended to do this. Can a person who has always been more extroverted become more introverted? I really feel like I have been more so.

[@mr.thomas6348]

I'm a 9w1 and I dont get why my fellow 9w1s aren't eating. Like, it's food! God made food for us to eat. Screw people's opinions. I like food. But everything else about 9w1s is accurate.

[@FlamesofRebirth3836]

I was disengaging when I came across this video. Interesting, I guess I needed that

[@pointerdogmarketing2197]

This makes me doubt I'm a 9w1--I can cause huge conflicts and feel justified doing so if I think I'm doing the right thing.

[@The_Man8719TwitchTV]

Just did a non stop 9 hours of moving and here I am at the 11th hour pushing it past my own health listening to the good doctor call me out...I gotta sit down for a sec.. lol

[@Serjohn]

others read my 9w1 as i grew up without a dad, i need a father fugure or some tough love, is it true ?

[@twlahue]

It's completely understandable to seek guidance and support when growing up without a father figure. Finding someone who can provide that tough love and wisdom can make a significant difference. Keep looking for those positive influences in your life!

[@dazaish]

yes i had that talent i can sense their perspective i used to define it to myself in a aesthetical way it could be bc im into art. but the explanation "understanding others perspective" is so right. to the color story that you explain i would like to say is it matter if it has colour? bc it wasnt matter before the people saying their opinions. i dont know which i would pick and i know that make me feel like alien... yeah there is presure for sure and we gotta choose our way if we dont people starting to leaving us alone... this is sad bc its feels like they are make us have to choose from the created "rules" we have to had an idea but we dont had any are those are necessary im not even sure but i would be careful if its matter from God's plan. this presure causes numbness . i feel like this isnt fair why we are like this and all the people are just normally living. this cannot be fair bc the other tpyes are not like this they know their selfs this is really big problem im at 19 and im realising consciously now.. at middleschool i did sense it firstly i feel like empty rock with ablity to adaptation people kicking me somewhere and somehow i can adapt with my apparience but inside of me is all empty there is blackhole when im not realising what im doing or saying. i was barely consciosly practising saying no but i was a bit bad person so i tried to limit that "no" up and the joker was on my side i push people to being okay with my opinions (i dont know if thoose opinions are mine bc its not trustable at that point if i can create opinions (is it a opinion to for a house a color is not mattering)) and i push the limits i didnt want to people go i didnt want to people do depend on my peace making style. so i did tried but it ends with " i knew you didnt want to know me or love me" i had that feeling sinse i was child i feel unloved uncared or not realised i feel invisible inside and the superficial connections that i always make are not pleasing me so im searching for someone who gonna be ok with my all opinions or behavior. i wanna know if this way is wrong to choose being bad and pushing people is wrong i know but i did this and i lost my dearist friend but my deal wasnt with him it was "is he gonna stay with me or this is the thing that i had in from my whole life" and he sad im choosing not to being your side. bc he was hurted but i take it as a betrayed. im strongly feeling betrayed this is too intense. and i had a problem with my memory i think all the nines had that problem bc its hurtful to had that kaos inside our brain.. i always felt like a it was full match with my character if i be alcholic but i would never do that. i was agressive with putting my desicions bc i was sensing that im not putting it out but i can now so i did it agressively. i get the 3 i can work so hard im in 5 best student at my university and im taking 2 university depertmant at the same time so this is important i started to do art job i was selling my arts and it was too greate so the 3 way is working fine but in a 1 side i wanna be right person i gotta show myself with my honour, be virtuous bc of God and the system that we are in. but to make that happen i gotta work on that 9 side bc i cant understand myself and its too complicated we are like seperated from ourselfs i gotta be close withmyself. i just can sense what should I do to make someone love me? or what should I do to become x person? (i used to sense film characters and being directly like them i thought it was fun..) this sense power is not working with myself as you sad 9 can understand someone so well.. and im not trusting the people act me like that im invisible inside and i should be their thoughts when im their side.. this is not right so im selecting people to open myself and im so sensetive with complexes this is something serious bc i hate when people fall for complexes bc i always falling for it. when someone had a complex i can sense it and destroying myself to fit that complex... you are really doing such a great doing!! the explanations are perfect. even you are not 9 you understand and explain it to community perfectly!!! this is really really big deal for world 😭 thank you for doing that im watching your videos for 2 years

[@Stoffendous]

Did the 7 make his bed?

[@dianamales5378]

Thank you 🙏🏻

[@laranidecker6390]

As a greedy 9w1 I would just eat a little bit of everything.

[@justinwhite2725]

6:50 omg stop. Said 3 minutes ago you'll keep it to the 9, and now this is the third time you've listed everyone else's needs.

[@lelulily]

Is this the most common number? 9w1 ?

[@thisone2522]

One thing I have to challenge. To attribute the ability to see multiple perspectives to 9s seems undue. I am not a 9, and I can quite easily see others' perspectives. I don't even fully understand why that's being connected to e-types, when its more cognitive (J vs P). I just don't always care. I don't feel compelled to take everyone else's perspective into consideration when making a decision because I'm focused on what *I'm* trying to accomplish. And plenty of 9s, 9w1s in particular, are hypercritical. They just won't say it to your face.

[@zacharyjackson7584]

I believe its more of the natural inclination to see multiple perspectives by default with fewer biases towards one view of life. Everyone is capable of (but not necessarily looking for) seeing others perspectives when it comes down to it.

[@thisone2522]

@@zacharyjackson7584 I don't think 9s have more of a natural inclination to see multiple perspectives by default, especially 9w1s. I think that *when* they see multiple perspectives they are more inclined to factor it into their decision making. This is constantly presented as some 9 superpower, but it's really more of a weakness. I'm an INTP, I'm constantly seeing other perspectives. I just have an easier time filtering out which perspectives don't actually matter to me because I'm not burdened with worrying about who I will upset.

[@user-nr7wu1pr6x]

Why is this so hard for a 9 to realize this behavior as harmful to others? I know it’s a response to external stimuli but detachment and withdrawal are very harmful... I don’t understand how 9s simply don’t understand. Any insights?

[@justapseudonym7]

Lol! As a 9w1, I realize that it's harmful but sometimes my detachment is a form of either resentment and passive aggressiveness or to protect myself from external stimuli. By God's grace, I've been able to grow from this but I still have seasons of detachment that I'm working on. Also sometimes I think I'm protecting others when I detach, because I can feel my anger rising up but I don't want to cause conflict. There are a lot of reasons why I may detach honestly.

[@don-eb3fj]

Listening to others' perspectives and trying to understand why they hold them, and being sensitive to them, is harmful? We watch, we listen, our minds make connections, deductions, and inferences, we personally identify with each perspective in a very personalized way...and we see the incongruities, the false-assumptions, the blindspots, and the prejudices against other perspectives which we ALSO have a personal identification with. We vicariously FEEL the injuries inflicted from those careless actions and attitudes of others, and choose NOT to inflict them on you, like you did to us, because we feel your pain too, and the conflict that will result, and know that because you cannot take another's perspective, there will be no resolution. My silence is for your protection. And mine. Please, prove me wrong.

[@Retzzzina]

"i have to do this"... only thing that ineeded 2 know... buuuuuuuuuutttttttttt i probably wont do it hahahha like how do u do things, u need 2 do. o_o just do them , buuuuuuuuut yeah i dont know i dont even know why im commentig this, sry xD

[@erik_1953]

I always thought, commenting on this site, or political sites is useless because there are more people with the same idea's... So, no, they weren't ....