Enneagram: Helping The 9 Find Their Motivation

[@alkersey2887]

i think a big stop sign for us nines is that we teach everyone to rely on our fluidity. we told them to expect us not to care; that we're always neutral. we showed how we go along with them and agree with anything. we teach everyone around us not to see us as obstacle. once/if we choose to act for ourselves, we then also have to break the expectations of ourselves. being likable is apple pie. i've done a wonderful job at creating this agreeable persona and trapping myself in it. everyone likes me for the person i made myself look like. now i am afraid to tell people it was an act. nines build their own cages.

[@karyn1karyn]

Wow. Yes. You absolutely nailed it for me. Thank you. So true.

[@hamzahalasadulloh7779]

This is SPOT ON. I worked so hard for years to build this image as the person who will not upset anyone, always agreeable and likeable, all for the sake of my short-term "ego boost" almost. But in wears you down because you feel like you can't escape from this box you put yourself in for fear of disharmony and everybody hating you for it.

[@patrickmiller9030]

100%. The mold of 1) our past behavioral patterns and 2) the expectations others have for us is very hard to break out of.

[@carolinethompson376]

Nines build their own cages - this is so true. I can see similarities in my own life to the 'going to the park' analogy. I don't want to have to explain, and then feel awkward about it. Sometimes it feels like I'm living in this little box, but I think now that it is one of my own making.

[@feliciathomas4632]

Yes, yes, yes! When I try to make a change, it feels like I can't get past a certain point because I've established myself as a "nice" person, and standing up for myself feels foreign to that persona. People around me resist the change and, because I'm so tuned in to what they're feeling, I back away from it or retreat completely in order to "save" myself.

[@alyssarogge8621]

The 9 in me wants to skip this video and watch your content on other numbers instead so I can psychoanalyze anyone but me 🙃 I’m highly motivated to ignore my lack of motivation.

[@alyssarogge8621]

I’m here though. Fighting the discomfort.

[@nicolelynnbledsoe1140]

Alyssa Rogge lmao girl me too 🤣🤣

[@erinosborn4602]

This is hilarious

[@westonkramer8800]

Yes, join the 4s for a while! We’re happy to have you, just don’t be the same as me! 😁

[@LafzTheWords]

Crazy, by God. Same here. 😂🥺

[@rebekkahhollister]

I really struggle with motivation. I saw this video and started watching, but found myself thinking of reasons I should put off watching it until later... then I realized I was literally procrastinating finding motivation to stop procrastinating 😅

[@alyssarogge8621]

(I feel seen)

[@carraface]

SAME 😅

[@twlahue]

I love that

[@kirknessfamily]

I'm about halfway through and was considering stopping the video when I thought I would come check the comments first. 😜

[@mismiserables]

Lol I'm just watching this video after putting off watching it for 2 months

[@goodwomanfound]

This felt like you’ve been stalking me for 40 years and then read my diary out loud and posted it to KZbin

[@moo_moon128]

I truly am on the brink of crying, all this time I felt that there was something so wrong with me, why everything for me was so difficult to do? Why i couldn’t voice my own opinions? I had gone so far as to think about to ending my life several times , and to just think that all these answers that I was searching for would be here. No matter what people say, these were the words that I needed to hear.

[@twlahue]

Wow, I am so glad that you found my channel. Blessings.

[@Allowance117]

You are not alone Brother im in exactly the same spot. Thats our turning point right here. lets become peace makers together

[@lorirees4248]

Perfect description. The struggle to get to the park.

[@hunky-doris]

I was listening to that story and thinking: this is my life exactly! (and it's not even funny anymore...)

[@lorirees4248]

hunky doris it takes a conscientious effort to force yourself to do the things you want to do and even remember the things you would like to do. I think anything that helps you get into your body so to speak helps a lot - like exercise and dancing while listening to music. Taking the time to think about what you want and how you would like your life to look like, and then taking the conscious steps to get closer to that. Also having self-compassion and acceptance that you might still forget at times and get lost in the status quo. It’s all okay and a “journey”. As type 9s I think we are good at being patient with ourselves and accepting the process. Good luck and stay awake to your life.

[@hunky-doris]

@@lorirees4248 funny you should mention the connection to the body, cause I'm going back to yoga classes this week, I think it's very good advice, I want to do it to somehow generate a bit of power from within...

[@laceyferrel8123]

Agree!!!

[@mamaahu]

I went to law school and became an attorney because my friend across the hall couldn’t! Totally unconscious move on my part but having a target, something to focus on, brought me peace compared to that miserable stressful question, “So what are you going to do with your life”! I am no longer a lawyer. But I have noticed that in general, I like to ride on other people’s enthusiasms rather than doing my own heavy lifting. That probably sounds super weird to most other types, but deciding the smallest thing can feel like life or death. Especially with my 1w who is always there criticizing whatever choice I do make! I am loving bringing my 8w into the picture. Thank you Dr.Tom for that awareness! Because it is a lie that 9’s don’t know what we want. We really do but are afraid to be visible about it because we know any choice will ripple the Pond. We think ripples, disturbances are bad because we are responsible for any consequences. Ugh. But that ol’ 8! Who knew that doer could turn out to be my best pal? She clears away fog, you guys. Does not like all the bladdey-blah my 9 w1 can ruminate on forever. Wow! Awesome series. Thank you!🌿♥️🌿

[@KellyB918]

I became a real estate agent because my friend wanted me to take the real estate class with him and help him pass the real estate exam because English was his second language. Seemed perfectly reasonable to me lol.

[@mamaahu]

@Kelly I hope you don’t mind that I am cracking up! Only someone who knows how “reasonable it seemed at the time” could possibly understand! It’s like there’s no inner guidance system that is saying “You have got to be kidding!” But knowing how stubborn I am, if it did say that, I probably would have dug my heels in harder.😂 👠

[@annesart141]

I think I just realized why I became a nurse, because my older and only sister is one. Mind blown.

[@belenlg5978]

I became an engineer because the top kids in my class went for it and my parents thought an engineer daughter was something to brag about. I didnt hate it but I didnt love it and it took so much effort to finish my degree! I actually wanted to be a pianist. Luckily I didnt quit piano and I even teach a couple piano classes each week. I dont have the courage yet to say f* you to engineering and dedicate completely to music unfortunately, I am too scared of the financial instabillity (and not being a good enough musician/teacher)

[@Aaron2xG]

I went Air Force because my childhood friend was going and I was very directionless, that sounds super weird to say. I met a lot of really great people, but did realize it was not for me after 6 years

[@qingyangluo4335]

tbh "helping the world to chill" does sound like a good motivation. Bcs if the world is chill, then I can be chill too...perfect. That's my purpose in life now. To achieve the Ultimate State of Chill

[@bsbodysoulfit]

I literally had the EXACT same thought 😅😅

[@annietobin2049]

If we can achieve out inner chill first, then we are better equipped to help the world to chill.

[@YEDxYED]

Good luck doing that in the US. We’re all subconsciously trained to do the exact opposite of that

[@NeumanIsrael]

​@@YEDxYED that means we'll always be motivated individuals :)

[@Thesleepypoet]

9w8. I literally watched this taking notes. So tired of being in the backseat of my own life. I recognise that I am the way that I am because of a childhood and adult life where decisions were just made for me. But I am so tired of seeing others live their dream while I'm not even sure what mine looks like. Time to work towards peace in my future. Thanks Dr Tom.

[@nyaassis]

Going to rewatch and take notes I am tired too

[@teepa7819]

Exactly the same. I hope after three years you've found your way in life and become a better version of yourself

[@mostfrozenburrito]

You have no idea how perfect that park illustration is. I have been in that actual scenario more times than I can count. I love the park. I always want to go to the park. But for many reasons, like you listed, I talk myself out of going to the park. I’ve talked myself out of my own progression through life. I have buried my wants so far into myself that I’m no longer sure what I want from life, what I like, what I dislike, who I am at all. I’ve never given myself an opportunity to know or truly be myself and I’ve given up on all of my dreams. I recently woke up. I’ve been sleepwalking for years but I realized I haven’t gone anywhere. I want to get somewhere. I want to come alive. I’m going to try, not to keep peace at the expense of myself, but to make it and flourish

[@catombomb3003]

Everytime i think about what i want in future, i think about living in a nice cottage-ish home in a nice cool sunny morning and being at peace lol. But my mom has high expectations for me and since i do need money for building my dream home, I've given in to her and having my hobby as a side hustle. But i need a big of a bigger motivation

[@carolinethompson376]

I start thinking about the times I have been saying "it's fine" when its not really. I like the motivation of long term peace - financial peace, positive/peaceful mental health. This helps.

[@feliciathomas4632]

The "it's fine" part really hit me too. I think it was in another one of Dr. LaHue's videos though. I immediately went back in my mind to 1981, when my husband and I were engaged and looking for an apartment. He, being a 1, scouted around at every possibility and he'd mention them all to me, along with why they would not be a good choice. There was one upstairs apartment in an old house that was right on a street facing train tracks that went down the middle of the street. I was all like, "Well that will be fine." And he's like, "NO! That is not fine!" Thank God I married a 1!

[@brewashington820]

I literally do the “park scenario” anytime I make a big or small decision. Thank you for this video. It’s a good mirror to see of myself and how I need to find my own motivation

[@CarolynsLoveRickshaw]

9w1 here and thinking about the future is SO OVERWHELMING! This literally describes me perfectly and it’s anxiety producing. It gives me fear of missing out because I can’t choose.

[@JohnOKeathley]

Terrific distinction you make between peace-keeper and peace-maker. I’m a 9:1. Bringing in the ‘Just Do It’ energy unlocks awesomeness, when I do it. Thanks for the clarity.

[@felicity250285]

The waning influence is spot on - I can pick something up for awhile, but it never lasts... Oh! And those turning wheels as well 😅😅

[@8368d]

Same here! It's hard as a 9 to keep the energy up. I have big ideas and dreams, but then the "getting it done" part always seems so HUGE and overwhelming.

[@LeahZ777]

I'm a Landscape Architect, a Designer of Exterior spaces, creating beautiful places of harmony and sanctuary... this is literally my motivation! Thank you for the great videos, I totally feel like you "get" the inner struggles us 9's (with wing 1) deal with!

[@Claire-tk4do]

Yes, true long-term peace, harmony, wellbeing all require some short-term discomfort, action, and CHOICES! (As terrifying as that can be😅) I use the 1 wing to remind be to do the "right", smart thing rather than the easy thing, and the 8 wing to energize me to face up to the scary stuff and the people who want things from me

[@sailorsallyrockinrarity2130]

I'm a 4 and my husband is a 9. Everything about this video makes perfect sense and fits my husband to a t. There are so many aspects of his peacemaking tendency that I love that resulted in why I chose to marry him. But after being married for almost 7 years, I'm seeing the shortcomings of them now too, to the point where I seem to care more about his future and his wellbeing than he does of his own. That may not actually be true, of course, given the 9's tendency to fall asleep to their own needs and desires, as well as their tendency to look for short-term comfort over long-term satisfaction in order to maintain peace. But these videos are extremely helpful in understanding his perspective and what's going on inside. Thank you. We'll need to sit down and watch this video and the 9w1 videos together at some point.

[@meganpitt]

Can confirm: Short term comfort for 9s is huge.

[@feliciathomas4632]

@@sherbetlemons I saw a man on an Enneagram panel who shared exactly this issue. His first wife was also a 9, and they had no idea how to bring up and have a conversation that involved conflict. The marriage fell apart after 7 years. Then he married a 4 and he said he "learned how to fight".

[@TurtleGold22]

Watching these videos has been... emotional for me. I have a lot of work to do I think. I don't even know how to start

[@hunky-doris]

you can do it Nicholas, realising this stuff and the patterns we fall into is an important first step, as a fellow 9 I salute you and wish you all the best!

[@Alan-is3jk]

the nine in me wants to say: don't overstress it! you don't have to do everything at once. :)

[@coilybynature]

my next door neighbor always brings food to me i politely thank him and throw it out and im a 9 w 8 why is so difficult to say no to kindness i have no problem telling you when youve upset me but saying no to kindness feels so wrong

[@TheKathrynpowell]

Holy moly. Thank you for helping me visualize that. It helped put words to a feeling I've been trying to iron out. The idea of the long term motivation is really powerful, and I'm excited to reframe my actions around this long-term goal. Also, I'm struck by the idea of accepting my peacemaking as a powerful thing, not as something I just have to live with that makes me a person who avoids things. I don't have to avoid my peacemaking motivation, which is something I've often feared because I've thought my peacemaking motivation was the reason for my procrastination and my inability to communicate with others about who I am or even change myself. But no, it's a power! It's a power when used as a sightline to the long term, instead of a numbness in the present. Thank you for helping me think my way to that realization.

[@broadpete]

Very well put. I just shared that same realisation!

[@bhollins3556]

Love it!!

[@joeyb7858]

Thank you good sir! Your insights will probably save me from years of suffering

[@oilonpaper]

Oh wow! I actually teared up when listening to the last part. I've never really seen the power in creating peace and harmony on a big scale. I always thought it was kind of selfish to focus on this on a small scale, but now it seems so clear, the benefit it can bring! Thank you! Thank you so much! And now that I think about it: I once worked at a place where I made an effort to smile at people more because everyone seemed so stressed. A few weeks later, a colleague told me they loved when I came by their department because I "brought the sunshine" with me. How I loved to hear that! It made me feel like I had some kind of superpower. 😊 Maybe it truly is!

[@justapseudonym7]

I'm at 11:00 and nearly in tears because this is exactly where I am right now. Unhappy because I've tried to keep the peace with everyone else instead of myself. I'm at a job I hate, struggling to uphold personal boundaries, etc. I know I love writing, but I'm afraid to take the risk because I don't want to disappoint people

[@fabjustfab3264]

Most significant youtube video of my life

[@shelbatronica]

This guy is absolutely correct. Once you silence your outside influencers and take some time to get to know yourself, you can actually begin to unlock who you really are. The worst possible thing you can do is stay in controlling relationships because you will always have to fight for your own identity. And fighting sucks. It's the worst. Please read Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud, it will change your life.

[@rainier509]

Thanks Tom. As a 9, I just wanted to thank you because at the beginning of my day I just felt so lost and out of touch with myself not knowing why I existed in this world and what my purpose was. After hearing you speak it's made me realize that I HAVE TO WAKE UP from reality or else I'll just end up in a spiraling abyss of depression. And also that I can give myself purpose, the purpose to create peace by acknowledging myself as an individual, as well as giving value to my own opinions and expressing them. A question that I come to ask myself now in everyday decision making is "Will I regret doing that later?" and this question will probably be stuck with me for the rest of my life. I now realize my one true goal in life is to maintain that stability in my life by having structure/having a routine. Therefore by doing that I can have that tranquility and balance like you said for the rest of my life. That is truly something that motivates me to being more productive and also coming to understand myself a little bit more. I do realize that being a 9 has it's pros and cons and this video definitely made me realize that I should embrace the pros and be aware of the cons. Once again, thank you so much Tom this has possibly changed my perspective in life forever, and I sincerely thank you for taking your own time to create this video for other 9's like me. P.S. To any other 9's looking for that motivation, you just have to persevere through that sloth trait of yours and continue to challenge yourself in a way that benefits your overall health. You also have to realize that not everything happens overnight, take it at your own pace and do not let anyone else's progress throw you off. Keep at it. And mind your own business. Anyways good luck in your endeavors and I wish you all prosperity.

[@rainier509]

Hey @Shivi Garg ! I've definitely been in your position before. Just going day by day not knowing what I wanted to live for. Something that could help you is to escape your comfort zone, and explore new hobbies. Like learning a musical instrument, or playing a new sport. For me, it was going to the gym. About a year ago, I started working out 3 times a week. Eventually, I grew to like it even more, and now I work out almost everyday! If that doesn't work, you can revisit old hobbies. You just need to find that thing you're really passionate about, and put all your effort into being the best at it! Don't worry about the unmotivated state you're currently in, because I was definitely like that. Things will get better, as long as you make the effort to do so. I honestly don't even remember posting this comment a year ago, until I saw a notification from your reply. Things have definitely improved for me, and it will improve for you as well! Hope everything goes well for you, and I'm rooting for you. P.S. Having a routine schedule also really helps!

[@TR-gz3be]

This helped me so much! Great advise for motivation since most of the advice for motivation is "just do it" which doesn't really work for a 9 long term, or short term either lol. I feel so busted! I can really relate to doing so much of these unhealthy behaviors in a quest for short term "inner peace" while completely sacrificing my long term inner peace and harmony, and happiness.

[@broadpete]

This is VERY interesting. I've struggled to accept that I'm a 9 but you so clearly stating that 'peace and harmony' is a valid goal and motivation, is a massive help. I've read all the books and felt like those tendencies were my mistakes.... Something I should stop doing rather than pursue with strength. I want people in my life but struggle with them getting close. I see now that's because I fear they will cause me to lose the Peace and Harmony but have been too weak to stand up for myself. Carolyn Zackowski's (sorry spelling) about 9s in crisis was important to me. The need to 'Self' more felt right, but in what respect? You've answered that question. I need to 'self' more to believe in peace and harmony as a valid goal and lifestyle, and 'self' more when I decide how welcoming others into my life will affect my peace. Many thanks.

[@nicolelynnbledsoe1140]

You should know when you upload any 9 content I will be here to learn .. Greatly appreciated, now that I’m back to work I will be booking a session.. I was almost beat to death 2 weeks ago and my head came out of the sand so completely and I have a drive I’ve never had before because of that trauma

[@twlahue]

Wow... I hope the videos help.

[@mamaahu]

Glad you are here taking care of yourself!

[@nicolelynnbledsoe1140]

The videos help IMMENSELY, I’m very grateful for you and your delivery

[@yasebelik6072]

When you said that nines have given up on the big dream it rang so true. So we focus on the more daily pleasures and day to day priorities.

[@anonuniversal364]

I always come back to your videos when I need a wake up call. It's so easy for me settle for cheap peace and not go for the things that I really want, that will bring long term sustainable harmony to my life. That park story you give at the end really hits home. You've got us pegged!

[@rohinirathour4749]

“Peace keeping is not the same as peace making.” Wow.

[@HeartBreakKid5231]

Wow that park story hit so much home it made me sad. My whole 28 years of life have been like that... great eye opener

[@hestiathena4917]

I grew up in a "tricky" family environment. Screaming matches were not uncommon, and I hated it, but I was rarely in any position to escape. I can think of a number of instances where I put family harmony and keeping my head down socially over my own needs, including one instance where I _actively chose_ to do it even though I knew it wasn't right or good for my psyche. I genuinely felt like I didn't have any other choice. I was just so tired of the explosions and the accompanying guilt, shame, fear and tears. The chaos in my life has lessened considerably since then, but I still put others needs before my own because I feel like the perpetrators of the chaos are never going to truly change. I worry that I'm never going to have enough of the right headspace to figure out what I _truly_ want until I have the equivalent of complete silence for an extended period of time, like months or years. Between reaching the big four-oh while still being developmentally stuck in my twenties, feeling like the whole world is quickly deteriorating, and a lifetime of learned helplessness, it's been looking pretty grim. I am trying to get some help, though, limited as my resources and energy may be, and learning stuff like this is sorta part of it. (I thought I was 5w4 sp for a while, but now I'm pretty sure I'm 9w1 sx, which explains a heck of a lot...)

[@P0tH3ADPUNK]

It makes me wanna cry seeing all these other people experiencing the exact same struggles I've been having. I've been thinking I'm add, adhd, or something but my brain is just wired different. All these comments have been so encouraging to me, thank you for the video.

[@janaldana8696]

Ironically, keeping the peace puts me into motivation and will deal with the pain to fix things myself instead of arguing/confrontation/having to defend my opinion. Diagnosed w colitis, I didn't want to argue with my doctor about medications and how diet won't make a difference, so I became a nutritionist/strict super health nerd and (passive-aggressively) never went back. (9w1 with 5 fix)

[@TashHardy2112]

Wow that park analogy was depressing but so relatable! I felt so sad for that person sitting at the table and yet I’ve done something like that so often! Acquiescing!

[@bethisom3850]

This is awesome! I’m a manager of a large food service operation. I am always encouraging my team and even my some of my customers to be the people God created them to be. The joke used to be that bad things happens when I’m on vacation or gone. The place goes crazy! I asked my managers to read the descriptions of the 9 types so I could understand them better and manage them better. I also realized that I was a peace keeper for years in my personal life not a peace maker! Now I’m motivated to be a Peace Maker. I want to figure out what my purpose is and what I’m called to do for God. I need to schedule an appointment!

[@twlahue]

Glad to help!

[@bethisom3850]

Dr. Tom LaHue how do I book a session? 😀

[@mamaahu]

Go to his website. You can book appointments there.

[@ladyb7327]

exactly

[@dawsons.3675]

This has changed my life Dr. LaHue! Thank you!!!!

[@liamm.268]

Whenever someone asks me my opinion, I ask them what they want but if they insist I instantly freeze. I'm entirely unable to respond. Haha.

[@LilithLi13]

What a beautiful understanding, analysis and compassion for type 9s, Dr. LaHue. 🙏🏼💜🙏🏼

[@annietobin2049]

That was “our” inner chill! :-D

[@ZENN121]

Doc, I gotta say, I've been feeling all sorts of ways and at 30 being a server administrator and not knowing how I got here because I've just gone along with life.... it just boggles my mind that God's used that procrastinating numbness. I've known about making my motivations on the long term, but have never been able to apply it, the steps to get there just seemed too troublesome. You were able to give me an image of being a peace-maker and not a peace-keeper. It's shifted my whole view of it. Its one of the most powerful insights I could have ever asked for. THANK YOU!

[@glb7897]

Watching the 3s seminar, getting pumped up for a few months then reverting to old habits is me to a tee. Just replace the word seminar with KZbin video. Due to my 1 wing I get down on myself for not being able to maintain that 3ish enthusiastic workaholism and internally lament the shortcomings of my temperament.... while procrastinating 🙈 You’re so right those people are just teaching you to behave in a way that comes naturally to them by default due to their type. Your advice to use my innate peace seeking nature as a motivating force for action makes sense.

[@loref4200]

"It's fine" is often a motto, unfortunately. It's rarely fine. I think you could be at any of these levels throughout the day depending on the circumstances, the people around you, and how you are influenced by them. I don't think they are stationary, but work on a scale in a way. Perhaps, the goal is to recognize when you are in the lower or medium levels and why, as well as how you can somehow move forward and upward depending on those circumstances. Spending time in retrospection/introspection each day and working with that information to then guide how you can change moving forward. I see each type working out of these levels at differing times, and that is why this isn't an easy concept to master for not only 9's, but all types on the Enneagram.

[@jeannayates2633]

I've been struggling to find my enneagram type because I can relate to all of them. Listening to the 9 really hit home for me, and some of it had made me cry a bit. Listening to this video has me realize that I'm not as bad off as I thought. I'm in between the harmonizing and the healthy stages. This is good stuff. Thank you, even though it's hard to see these things about myself, I want to be healthy.

[@KristenLouiseTarot]

I hate that I am a 9. I used to test exclusively at a 5w4, was into athletics and fitness, really driven in school even though I struggled, was defined by my intellect and desire to be intellectually useful and admired, but then I had injuries, health issues, and a huge blow up of a conflict in my family that took years to recover from, and since then my 9-ness is stuck.

[@sunilpsych1]

Thank you Tom. This was very helpful. I am called to be a peace maker and not a peace keeper! Great insight.

[@paxsophia2225]

Wow, this made a lot of sense. Thank you, Dr Tom. I've long wondered why I hate being asked the question, "What do you want?" How should I know? Also, I've wondered if there was something wrong with me. Why am I motivated but never enough to actually TAKE ACTION? Or sustain the action? Ay yai yai!!! As a 9, I often feel resigned, thinking "This is good enough" or "What's the point?", and I settle for what's there, what's easy, what seems good enough. No need to rock the boat, right? But I like how you got me thinking about my bigger vision being one of how to create peace and harmony in various aspects of life, along with the concept of Peace Making. Hmm...lots to think about there. Thank you so much!

[@kimberly4575]

hibernation - asleep to self for over 8 years

[@maja8453]

My sister always tells me to stop being so afraid of conflicts.. even though having them causes short-term bad, it will bring long-term good.

[@minnyjeong4783]

Thank you so much for this video; it brought so much clarity to the feelings that I was feeling (or not feeling) and how to really tackle this lack of motivation. I always thought that I, as a listener, didn't bring much to this world where active speakers and "go-getters" are seen as the ideal leaders. I am also really thankful for those who shared their stories in the comments section, because this whole time, I felt like no one really understood what I was going through. Everyone assumed that I didn't try hard enough, or was just lazy. My explanation to my procrastination was, "I'm trying hard to try hard!" But I now know that I'm not alone (:

[@darlenemontgomery9337]

I've always known this on some level that pushing out past my peaceful acceptance could mean others will let go of me.

[@juliegolick]

I once heard that 9s who are in touch with themselves are more in tune with what they *don't* want than what they *do* want, and I've found that to be true for me. I may not know what I want, but if you said "hey, what about this?", I might have an instinctive "no" reaction, that I've learned to trust over the years. And when I hear that "no," it's usually the right decision, even if everyone else tries to convince me otherwise. But saying "no" can cause conflict, especially when it seems like the "yes" is the right thing to do (based on societal expectations), so it's very hard to listen to it. It's still something I'm working on. Actually figuring out what I want, for myself, and not just what I *don't* want, is a whole other area of development that I've barely delved into at all. it's still so hard for me to know what I want in the big picture. I really don't know at all.

[@mistymcfadden5309]

This was really good. “Peacemaking and peace keeping aren’t the same” mitigating and shrinking myself to keep the peace. My greatest struggle is navigating this in Christian marriage as a 9 married to an 8 and being a mother to 4. It’s much easier to mitigate myself for everyone else but I often feel like I’m dying inside

[@justapseudonym7]

I'm Christian, married to an 8 too, but without children yet. I know it's easier said than done, but keep faith God is with us ❤️ he causes everything to work together for the good of those who love him. What helps me sometimes is relying on God's strength even when I'm afraid to step out and make peace for myself.

[@westonkramer8800]

I’m a triplet and my other 2/3rds are both Type 9s (I’m the oddball, a Type 4, but that’s just me being special)! It’s truly interesting for me to hear your discussions on 9s because they are both at totally different places than the other!

[@nicawalsh196]

How fascinating!

[@rociogomezb2914]

Thank you so much! The metaphor describes me SO WELL, literally. Can't be enough grateful for all your content!! Greetings from Argentina 😄

[@mamaahu]

Also really easy to misapply Buddhist teachings about Presence. I’ve used it to support staying at “the kitchen table” and trying to make it okay. Then ....beating myself up for feeling grumpy and then continue the mind trip when the truly Spiritual loving thing to do is not to “make do “ with the tiny good enough table. But rather to go toward the infinite options for joy and peace giving we are capable of.

[@meganpitt]

You have a beautiful name 💕

[@andream9977]

So true! I teach yoga and there is often this underlying message “can’t we all just get along??”

[@bhollins3556]

But tiny tables are cute and charming and practical. 😉

[@hunky-doris]

thank you for this, Ahulani, this is a big topic for me, but I'm only starting with the enneagram, I will need to think a lot about that. I find it amazing though that when I was listening to a description of a fully healthy 9 on another channel it sounded exactly like a description of a highly realised Buddhist practitioner, that's encouraging and fits so well!

[@Tara-kl3qr]

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. As a 9 at the beginning I was just thinking: just tell me what my desires are because I have no idea and I'm going crazy! You have really reminded me of my motivation, I had lost it and also forgot about it, but it was there. I was just surviving trying to maintain the little peace I had, not realizing I was actually undermining my own peace.

[@-jamie-9896]

These enneagram 9 videos are changing my life. Thank you.

[@evoboiabc]

Wow thanks for the solution to my problems! "Mom's table" is definitely where I've been hanging out. As soon as you mentioned tapping into the 8, my outlook and motivation definitely turned on!

[@MeliMeli66]

The beginning of the video makes me feel so sad for 9s. They only have one life that is being wasted by going along with what others want. Somehow it makes me feel like it's unfair for them. Like other people are getting more from them than they are actually getting for themselves.

[@killercow91]

Don’t worry, we’re okay, everything is fine 😂

[@Sherwood.Photography]

We. Are. Okay. 🎉

[@fabjustfab3264]

Man i had a process woth you bringing religion into the picture in other videos. But then i leaned in and arrived at this: Trusting life to help me is not apathetic hope. It inspires me to action, knowing that i am encouraged to pursue what feels right to me and supported in my choice even if ppl dont agree with me

[@sheryldavis4397]

Wow. It was like you were inside my head with that metaphor of mom's table.

[@leenajavalleru29]

Thank you so much for this video! The metaphor is exactly what I go through everyday in my life. I have procrastinated and ignored crucial goals and tasks for myself because of that thought process. You are sooo spot on in clearly articulating the underlying goal/ motivation for 9s. No wonder I couldn't stick to 1 job for more than an year because I took up whatever came in my way. Though peace and balance was what My heart pointed to, I couldn't translate that to tangible actions. With your video, it became clear to me. Thanks again for the video!

[@haleberry5939]

This is on point I hope people watch to the end and feel as motivated as I do!

[@rasmuskirkpetersen3521]

I loved this video and from a nine's perspective it really got me ❤️ I know I can really motivate myself to become a awaken peacemaker ☮️ Thank you so much 🙏

[@diilouise]

'Only dead fish go with the flow'. So, with one quote I have announced my nine-ness. I am not dead but I am easy going. There is a difference. And like you say, Tom, show up in my life (vitality). Yes, I can take up space and I have something to bring to the table. I can choose to go with the flow or not. I can choose vitality over inertia. Thanks. P.S. your pensiveness and thoughtfulness is gratefully received.

[@twlahue]

Thanks

[@maryellenott50]

I just found this after I emailed you this as a suggested video topic lol!

[@alessandramatino8955]

Excellent topic! I'll watch it with my 9 fiance. You're great Mr. LaHue! We love you!!

[@littlepixxie]

I’ve been spiraling into a deep and paralyzing depression realizing my pattern of neglect in the past with my responsibilities, all the ways I’ve been lazy and unmotivated and realizing it’s led me to where I’m at now… not having much to show for my journey up until now. I’m a 9 and I’m having a hard time seeing how I can change if I’ve always been this way…

[@gin6760]

I especially have difficulty making a decision that involves other people, or choosing between people and their wants and needs. I can't choose between people! Never ask that of me! Heart-wrenching, even if they don't care as much as I do!

[@MsMahmaha]

This video just spoke to me, answering many questions that I have been seeking answers for, thank you so much 🙏 lots of love and gratitude

[@ottergirl1913]

The metaphor describes me to a tee. I know what I want to do, but when I count the cost, the effort it will take, I talk myself out of it and settle. I accept far less than what that beautiful time in the park would have brought me.

[@theajane6444]

OK. So here's the thing: I am a nine who works as the communication and office manager in a busy parish office where the pastor is a One who leans WAY into his Nine wing. The business administrator (my direct report) is a very aggressive 8. Our other team members run the gambit. Everyone, except for the pastor, comes to my office to talk (no gossip or whining is allowed but they may express frustration or talk through stuff). And I just let them talk. I don't try to fix anything. Often, I don't say anything at all. Occasionally I do advocate for something when there is something that the staff would like to implement or change that the One and Eight have not paid attention to. I will open difficult conversations in staff meetings when I know that the staff hasn't felt heard. I know that I am the "glue" that keeps our staff together and that can be rewarding--but not always. But at the end of the day, I am not sleepy--I am EXHAUSTED. I spend my weekends in a heart-mind fog and have sometimes wept with dread on Monday morning. You know what? I would LOVE to have a job in the paint store. Sign me up!

[@laeliawatt8593]

As a 9 who worked in a paint (art supplies) store and now works in a job more emotionally draining like your current one, I advise...If you can afford it financially, go work at the paint store!

[@susielauvray1201]

Thank you for giving me a frame of reference from which to understand the last 46 years of my life and decisions, and for helping me see where the door is to walk into a fuller life that isn't so small and just settling for the kitchen table. This whole video is life-changing...thank you!!!

[@greenviewmedia6186]

18:50 That illustration was both encouraging and depressing at the same time. Thank you for these videos I've been feeling more and more understood from each of them.

[@JigneshPatelCoaching]

Thanks for the breakthrough 🎉❤ Now Peacemaker word have more powe! 💪

[@twlahue]

You're so welcome!

[@jamesnolllaw298]

Excellent. Will watch again for deeper insight.

[@belenlg5978]

Thank you so much! It makes so much sense!! I've more or less been a healthy 9, I am working part time and studying for a career change that will bring me security and good worklife balance. Recently became a manager and I am really struggling to stick to my part-time hours. My team is young and totally unexperienced, and my bosses are demanding directly to them without respecting any hyerarchy and messing my resource organization. I end up doing everything because of bad planning. They are really messing my peace and creating a lot of stress, even though the workload is not so terrible, I end up working extra hours and not studying for my exams. For a while I thought I was a bad leader and a burned-out perfectionist, now with therapy I know that my company is a bad environment and I need to stand up to my bosses and not tolerate those behaviours. I need to work on assertiveness for sure

[@kellys7018]

I’m a very motivated 9! Never had this issue. Thanks for the warning at the beginning and I’ll watch a different video :)

[@bridgetdean2864]

That metaphor at the end..... i feel personally attacked hahaa

[@scatling2065]

Wonderful video, thank you! Gives me a lot to chew on, and I appreciate your presence on KZbin. 🤗

[@rafey1993]

This is such a beautiful way to convey motivation to 9s..

[@monikajasiulewicz2186]

I'm really, really grateful for you videos. Thanks to you I deeply understood how I act in my life!

[@twlahue]

You're so welcome!

[@abcr1998]

Peace and harmony within the self ❤

[@Claire-tk4do]

I was laughing with uncomfortable recognition for the entire first 3 minites of this video! I've always struggled with decisions. I'm so lucky that my family supported and encouraged me to notice and assert my preferences and desires. Even still it's challenging for me, but it's so much better than it was and it could have been if I had remained in unconsciousness

[@twlahue]

You can do it!

[@LunaticReason]

Lol my brother and I recently had an argument or rather he chewed me out in regards to making a decision on what type of food I would like to order and it made pretty annoyed. I mowed the lawn and did some chores around the house and so he figured he'd be nice and ask me what I wanted to order out. The problem is my brother is not an adventurous eater, is picky and complains if it's not something he generally likes or is accustomed to whereas as I like trying new things which he makes fun of me for being a posh foodie. So I've learned to try to keep my mouth shut and let him make the decision except he doesn't like making them. Being a nine I am pretty easy going on decision making so long as it doesn't cause stress. So I finally cave in and make the decision and say the most basic thing one could order, Poutine. We live in Canada there is no way Poutine would be difficult to get. I am not picky where it comes from. He on the other hand gets mad at me for not being helpful in the decision? In my head I am like how am I not helpful? Pick a bloody place and order, how can I make things simpler? He wanted details but to me that is being difficult. I want poutine carried down from the top of a mountain, made from potatoes hand picked by monks sounds more difficult than poutine from anywhere. Also honestly I don't have a preference in which restaurant has the best poutine while he tends to hound me on specifics which gives me a headache. ugh its upsetting me at this moment lol.

[@alic7994]

This provided so much value - thank you!

[@frankielafleur1061]

I am a 9w1. I am a manager. I lose my motivation often. You talking about the food, is not an analogy its everyday for me. I met another 9 at work and we actually had a long talk about it because he does the same thing. I try to remind myself, is it worth it? And sometimes I'm in sleeper mode and that little voice doesn't pop up to help me. I want to say that I can go from sleeper, to harmony, to present all in the same week or day. When I'm overly stressed I go into sleeper or rage, so the better of the two is definitely sleeper. If people keep poking me when I'm in sleeper mode that's when I go full angry. And I hate going there. Just wanted to comment and validate everything that you are saying and say what a great job you do on your videos at helping me to put me into words. At work I am the manager and everyday that is my goal. I love turning teams into harmonious teams where everyone is involved and feels included. I feel at work I am at my best and I feel the most healthy and easily create structure. It's when I get home or overly stressed I start sleeping my life away. Trying to be ever growing, so thanks for the call outs Dr. Tom!

[@John-mb7yl]

Great video as usual...superb analysis again by Dr Tom ...love all his videos 🎉❤

[@twlahue]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@ziphomokoena3551]

This was eye-opening.Thanks so much for this.

[@aarondartey8566]

Thank you. God bless you!

[@trevawhitmoyer682]

I can really relate to not knowing what I want. I’ve had to go back and look at my childhood to help me see what my passions are. ☮️

[@willkohler379]

Years ago I gave up on my dreams and settled for what was easy and comfortable. Now I see I made a big mistake!

[@andream9977]

Will Kohler best of luck! Start where you are ☀️

[@BrandyH-eh9up]

Same

[@Life_moreabundantly]

💙I Am An INFP. Libra. 9. 29. 89 Enneagram 9 ⚖ Wow! Dope💎

[@juliaalexander8703]

i watch these videos and i don’t even know what i’m hoping to get from them. hope? the secret to all of my problems? for you to just straight up tell me who i am and what i want and what i should be doing? whatever it is, i end up getting halfway through and realizing that maybe all of this is just too daunting for me and i just end up falling back into deciding that living in this state of avoidance and being asleep and coasting will be fine until it isnt and then i’ll cross that bridge when i get there. this feels impossible. impossible. becoming me feels like the hardest thing i could ever be asked to do, and all i know is if i dont do it then i’m gonna mess things up for me big time. so i just stay asleep, feeling all of the anxiety that every day i spend asleep is just one step further into harming myself and my future but not being able to do a single thing about it. i am so lost

[@juliaalexander8703]

and i am so scared

[@hereissaba7619]

hi! love your videos. could you do a video on careers for 9's? How to find their path etc?

[@andream9977]

Ruhamma Rohrer great topic! I looked that up as a search and found things like “writer, teacher, nurse, yoga teacher, counselor” I can’t remember the other ones