Enneagram Types 4 and 9 in a Relationship Explained

[@sunflower_tae]

I hold a soft spot for type 4s. they make very interesting friends and they also tend to be drawn toward me because they really enjoy talking about their inner world and I like to listen. but while I love them as friends, i'm not usually attracted to them romantically. I sometimes feel they can be a little too emotional for me and as i already feel like an emotional individual myself, i feel like the emotional intensity of the four would not mix well with my own. They can also sometimes be a little judgemental or self-absorbed and dont really leave room for others with different opinions or for others to talk about their own thoughts. which isnt really a problem for myself but it also kind of feels like i have to walk on eggshells around them, which then begins to irritate me. i love fours and their creative and colorful minds but i truly perfer them as close friends rather than romantic partners.

[@mitskiluvr420]

as a 4 i feel similarly. many of my best friends have been 9s, but romantically, i find them too closed off and mysterious, which is unhelpful for the 4 brand of insecurity. however as friends, i find them amazingly loyal and supportive, and accepting of my own peculiarities while still gently pushing me out of my comfort zone.

[@Jazzonyt]

I am a 4w5 social and the relationship i had with an 9w8 sexual nearly drove me insane. i craved intensity so much. at the same time i was so envious of his calm. also, i wouldn't understand how he is able to distance himself so easily. now i know it's because a type 9 values their autonomy because they are in the gut-center. myself, being a heart-center type on the other hand, i craved emotional connection. in my personal experience type 9 isn't a good match for type 4 because they can't match their intensity. but ofc it depends on what a type 4 is looking for.

[@emilybaker6193]

That's interesting bc I'm a 9w8sex and my sister is a 4w5social and we are each others best friends. However, I do agree that it might not work if it were a romantic relationship. I avoid conflict and she has an anxious attachment style and that intensity might seem like conflict to me. Either way I still LOVE 4's to death. I notice I tend to be drawn to you all. Hehe

[@YouveGotaType]

Love the dialogue here! And just note - there is no "good or bad" match between enneagram types. There are natural points of connection & friction between every type, and it always comes down to the specific person's level of health.

[@Jazzonyt]

@@emilybaker6193 Oh, they can be great friends for sure. there are also complementary in many aspects but the romantic connection is a whole different story. especially if one is being anxiously attached. this may intesify the whole disregulated dynamic.

[@MrFireman164]

Look 9s are perfect for everyone, we are so accepting, loving and peaceful also funny 😂

[@Ni-wl9uh]

Interesting. As a 4w5 self-preservation/sexual, I am attracted to 9's. Intensity as in passion in being romantic or what do you mean? I think mbti also plays a factor as I am attracted to xNFPs.

[@miguelurzua7230]

I took the test and I’m equally a 4 as much as I’m a 9… so this feels like a conversation with different parts of myself haba

[@jonoinvielleicht4803]

Highly resembles my friendship with a 4! But I must say, I need someone with more energy if it comes to a relationship, but right now this is the most supportive friendship I'ver ever had and I'm very gratefull for that. Love these videos!

[@YouveGotaType]

Glad to hear it!

[@darlinqq_]

as a sx/sp 4w5 i really find myself gravitating to sp/sx 9w8s its really interesting since i have an 8 in my tritype

[@MysticBreath]

A good example of this pairing that comes to my mind is Zuko(4w3)and Mai(9w8)from avatar the last Airbender. Two gloomy personality one with anger issues and the other one with apathy but strangely enough made a very interesting couple at the end.

[@mitskiluvr420]

i’m a 4w5 and my friend group consists of a 9w1, a 1w2, a 2w3, a 4w3 and myself. our shared passivity has been the biggest issue in my group, but we also encourage each other to explore creatively and grow as individuals.

[@YouveGotaType]

Hmm 1w2s and 2w3s are typically far from passive people... if anything, the 2w3 is usually very high energy and the 1w2 will constantly let ya know if there's something they think y'all "should" be doing.

[@yay29823]

FINALLY! After days, weeks, months... I have finally come into terms with my enneagram type. I've identified myself as an four at first, thought of myself as an nine for the longest time, and also considered the possibility of being a seven or a two. But in the end, I was seriously debating between four and nine once again. Listening you describing how fours react to conflict in contrast to nines made me realize I had this exact situation happening to me with my 1w9 mother. She doesn't want to get into meaningless conflict, specially if I am unreasonably angry, while I want to keep arguing and get mad if she tells me to stop talking until I'm calm. It has driven me insane sometimes. So yeah, definitely a four, although probably one of the optimistic ones (in the past I thought I was too happy to be a type four, which is why I thought I was either a nine, a seven or a two)

[@MeliMeli66]

You are probably a self preservation 4 or a sunny four.

[@yay29823]

@@MeliMeli66 I've been identifying with the self-preservation instinct recently, so maybe that's it! But what is a sunny four?

[@tripwire202]

I'm writing about a relationship between a type 9w1 (who also scores highly as type 1 and 5) and a free spirit whose main type is eother 4 or 7 Dotto (enthusiastic free spirit) adores Asran's sense of calm and tranquility. Asran adores listening. Dotto adores talking. They regularly perfectly slot into one another's lives. The main conflict they had was how Dotto treated Asran's friend, Lumin. Other than that have minimal conflict, or conflict that's summed up as "I want you to feel safe enough to be yourself with me but it's alright if you can't do it now - Im here, I mind waiting since I wanna spend time with all of you but its not worth it if it makes you feel unsafe. They're both very sweet people who bond over mutual sweetness and affinity for strangers (Asran is a diplomat, Dotto is a cheerful extravert who loves boosting people's confidence...) They didn't realise they were flirting with each other (for months!) since they are both kind and warm to everyone. "It can't be love, they're just sweet like that" was their mutual refrain. Just realised I'm rambling a lot! Hope you enjoyed the ramble. Find your videos useful and much appreciated to help narrow down what's driving them and some details of how their relationship will play out. Thank you and have a wonderful day.

[@Corybander]

Well said, with excellent jabs into the characters of both. This seems to sum us up, but we've thought that about some of the other type 9 relationship videos before now. Clearly at least one of our types is right, but this by far sounds closest yet

[@OliKember]

Fascinating! Can’t wait for the rest of these. Waiting for my number to come up for its series!

[@YouveGotaType]

:) What's your type?

[@evelic]

One of my best friends as a type 4 is a type 9.

[@YouveGotaType]

See that a lot!

[@mondhoffman]

As a 4w5 who is begining to date a 9w1, I'm so scared haha. My previous relationships with 5w4 were a disaster and i don't like the fact that 9w1 is also a withdrawn type but we seem to get along well so far so wish me luck guys 😭

[@Gunliris]

Best of luck in your new relationship. Would love to hear more about the reasons why your previous relationship with a 5w4 didn't work out. I'm a 4w5 and currently in a new relationship with a 9w8. I used to be with a 4w3 and it was a totally hellish relationship that I will never go back to.

[@Love-zq3uq]

9w8 with a 4w5 brother the plot is the cold never bothered me anyway lol

[@rahmahabdulrahmn9997]

Please talk about the relationship between 9 and 9 !! 😀

[@YouveGotaType]

Sorry to say I'm not doing the dual type combos because I already did a relationship overview series that should adequately describe what two of the same types will have to deal with in a relationship with each other. Here's the video: kzbin.info/www/bejne/r4LZdGuPeJKisLs

[@mrunmayirasam6961]

❤

[@ragestarshine5735]

Minus the romantic stuff this pretty well describes the relationship bw me (9) and my sister (4)

[@YouveGotaType]

Glad to hear it was an accurate watch!