Enneagram Types in Relationships: Love Languages Decoded

[@bernadetteevans4117]

I’m a 4 and as always you nailed it. Quality time is important. You said being seen…this really hit home for me, thank you for recognizing that need, Dr. LaHue. Having my feelings or what I’m going through validated helps me feel seen. It is nice to have someone do some of the mundane thing’s around the house so I can do what feels more meaningful to me. Thanks for the video. 😊

[@bernadetteevans4117]

Conversations with honesty and openness is big. I don’t like when people don’t have an opinion.

[@twlahue]

So glad!

[@eponymoususer8923]

From a 1, it makes us feel seen and supported when you remove one of the things we obsess over (for your benefit) from our plate. Edit: a 7 is just about the best choice for a 1 who wants to stretch themselves. Loving a 7 will help you keep your control and rigidity in check and expand your life.

[@marieschmidt9416]

Or a #9 is great for a #1 who like their calmness, unhurriedness, & #9's get rid of my irritation by getting along with all. That is my story for my good marriage. I see #7's as too selfish...their fun, their pleasure and shirking duties.

[@jillcook2436]

Tom, you're great! I love your videos and your sense of humor (there's one for you, ya' type 7!). A friend of mine introduced me to the Enneagram, and I've become slightly obsessed with it. I've been able to use it to strengthen my relationship with my husband, kids and my own parents. Your videos have been a big part of this Enneagram journey I continue to be on. Thanks for all you do! God bless!

[@twlahue]

That is awesome!

[@laurakern7349]

9 wing 1. Quality time definitely #1 love language. Then physical touch. Gifts not so much. Thanks for a great video.

[@twlahue]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm really happy to hear you found the video helpful. Quality time is such an important love language!

[@JonasAnandaKristiansson]

4's = Quality time number 1 for sure

[@twlahue]

Absolutely! Quality time is what it's all about, and 4's definitely make it special!

[@atypicalgeek88]

1:10:07 (9 as referee) Growing up with a textbook 6 Dad, I said "Oh, Mom, I don't think that's what Dad meant" and "Dad, you're stressing us all out" a couple times a week at least, from probably age 4 to when I moved out at 23! So accurate it stopped me in my tracks.

[@twlahue]

It's amazing how those childhood moments shape us! It sounds like you had quite the experience growing up. Thanks for sharing your story!

[@marieschmidt9416]

This makes a lot of sense for each and every number.

[@briannasommers1897]

I’m a counter 8 and my top is quality time. Acts of service is probably second. My husband is a 1 and you nailed it! Words of affirmation is big to my 1. He does so much for all of us all the time, I wish he’d sit down and relax every once in awhile though. I have to remember to tell him how much I appreciate what he does for us and this helps me understand why he needs it more than I do.

[@twlahue]

It's wonderful that you understand each other's love languages! Taking the time to appreciate his efforts will definitely strengthen your bond.

[@OrganicMocha]

This was too accurate! My husband's a Type 1 and he loves it when I help around the house (acts of service). I'm a Type 4 and I definitely need quality time/conversational companion/validation & I do need time for my creative endeavours and hate doing mundane tasks!

[@twlahue]

It's amazing how understanding each other's love languages can strengthen a relationship! Your insights really highlight the importance of communication and support.

[@RoseVeltema]

Thank you so much Dr Tom for this video. I am a 9 and now understand why picking a love language has always been a challenge for me.

[@twlahue]

You're very welcome!

[@barbskeelcsw]

I still have not found a partner since my divorce in 2005, but honestly haven’t done anything much to help me find one. Had a couple flings with some very weird dudes…fun for a couple months but also quite unfulfilling. No one I can really say fits has dropped in my lap, either. As a 9 not so sure why I don’t really feel lonely except to say, keeping it simple is part of it, having a strong spiritual program, work and a great dog fills a lot of my needs and sense of purpose! Hope you are happy and well! Always great to see and hear you! B

[@twlahue]

It's wonderful to hear that you've found fulfillment in your life through your spiritual journey, work, and your dog! Sometimes, the best things come when we least expect them. Keep shining!

[@nianexus135]

Hahahaha the type 8 ! 😂 “ oh wow now I got two problems ..” this was really funny and honestly I thank god for your videos way to accurate for the people in my life

[@twlahue]

Thank you!! 😁

[@TempfromChiswick]

Surely, Ones aren't as bad as that! Yes, we can be critical, but we can also be very encouraging. Most Ones I know offer positive feedback in a clear, direct, non-gushing kind of way. We never give fake praise so, when we do praise, it's genuine and therefore worth something. In return, I think the love language we receive best from others would be reliability, trustworthiness and appreciation of all our hard work. So, yes, I agree that acts of service and words of affirmation are right up there. If I'm worked up about something, whatever you do, don't try to calm me down or fail to react. That will annoy me even more. Empathising is the best approach; that and humour. Ones love to laugh, and they're quite witty, in my experience. As such, a one-liner can help me lighten up, but only *after* empathising with what I'm dealing with. A brief, "Yes, those people you're working with really are fools" can work wonders 😉

[@twlahue]

I appreciate your perspective! It's true that Ones can be both critical and encouraging, and that balance makes their feedback valuable. Empathy and a good laugh really do go a long way!

[@brittneyrobinson488]

Some thing I have found to be true as a 5 is that, since I don’t need affection from most people, I do need it from my spouse. My spouse is a 2, though, so it could be me subconsciously meeting his needs!

[@twlahue]

It's interesting how our needs can differ so much! Finding that balance in a relationship is key, and it sounds like you're both navigating it well.

[@darkphoenix6807]

I’m an 8w7 and quality time is definitely my love language! It was very interesting when you said that our communication style is commands. I’ve actually been praying for myself for years that I would stop commanding people to do things and instead ask them. But to be honest, it’s natural for me to command-because in my mind, they really don’t have a choice. 🤣

[@darkphoenix6807]

I feel like our animal should be a silver-back gorilla. We are protective of our inner circle and will destroy anyone who hurts them. But we are very intense and you have to not be intimidated if we’re going to feel comfortable around you. Also, see the gentle side of us that all 8s have. 💛

[@twlahue]

It's fascinating how our personalities shape our communication styles! Recognizing this is a great first step, and I admire your commitment to improving it.

[@shannahlight260]

Hahaha. Nr 4 here and I've rediscovered the Misfits and Danzig some weeks ago. So, good reference. And you're right about everything. Thank you.

[@twlahue]

So good!

[@theajane6444]

Hi Dr. Tom. A 9 here in St. Paul, MN. (I'm a 9 wing-8 at work because my boss is an 8 wing-7. We have some fun times--and I'm only half joking about that.) The most resonate thing you said about the 9s was: "You are human." Honestly, I often feel like an alien on this planet. Sometimes other people totally disregard me. Not in the mean-spirited "you're-a-waste-of-space" way but because, in general, I'm either pretty agreeable overall or advocating for somebody/something else. Which goes with the territory, I get it--but just to be acknowledged as a human would be huge. Thanks for your light-hearted but profound insights on the Enneagram. It's been fun to watch you grow over the years.

[@twlahue]

It's great to hear from a fellow 9! Your experiences resonate with many of us, and it's important to find that acknowledgment we all crave. Keep being you-your voice matters!

[@shadowfreddy4044]

I'm a 5w4 and you are so right

[@twlahue]

Thank you for sharing! It means a lot to know that my content resonates with fellow 5w4s like you!

[@stephaniefrancois-9819]

I believe I 'm a 4sp. For me, quality time with no doubt, and then physical touch. Gifts are stressful to me, and acts of service are a practical thing, and not romantic, they don't work for me romantically speaking. As for the needs, I can't pick one, they all seem so important.😊

[@twlahue]

It's interesting to hear how you prioritize quality time and physical touch! Everyone has their unique way of showing and receiving love, and it's great that you've figured out what works for you.

[@ladypolf]

As a 5w4, I'm laughing right now... I actually did go to the Comic-Con museum for my birthday this year, specifically to see an obscure Neil Gaiman art exhibit. I'm now realizing that that's about as 5w4 as it gets! 😂I had a great time with my husband and kids there that day, and yes, having my family around me in that geeky place made me feel loved.

[@twlahue]

That’s awesome! A Neil Gaiman exhibit sounds super cool, and it’s even better you got to hang out with your fam. Cheers to geeky family fun!

[@laundrine]

Great video Dr. Tom!

[@twlahue]

Glad it was helpful!

[@darkphoenix6807]

A 7’s superpower is teleportation 😂😂🤣

[@twlahue]

Teleportation? That’s one way to avoid awkward small talk at parties-just blink and you’re gone!

[@Cheryl.Spencer]

As a female 5w4, mine in order are quality time, physical touch (but only from my 1w9 spouse), acts of service, words of affirmation, and gifts. I scored at about 40% for both quality time and touch.

[@twlahue]

It’s interesting to see how our love languages can vary! Quality time and physical touch can be so important, especially in a relationship. Thanks for sharing your insights!

[@biseragjurovska1998]

As 3 (still unsure of a wing), this felt spot on!

[@twlahue]

Awesome

[@zeinabsaleh6414]

Sixes #1 love language is whatever -your love language you give best; is. This fulfils their need for “loyalty”.

[@twlahue]

You're absolutely right! Understanding and expressing love languages is so important for building loyalty and connection.

[@trevawhitmoyer682]

Great video!

[@twlahue]

Thanks!

[@rhondadaisy4342]

9w8 female and Acts of Service 💯% !!! Life is overwhelming and chaotic, so I just hide in video games while it burns around me 🙃

[@twlahue]

For real! Sometimes you just gotta dodge the chaos and hit that pause button on life, right? Game on! 🎮✨

[@dawnmad]

I’m a 9, not sure which wing. Words of affirmation and admiration

[@dawnmad]

And married to an 8, so definitely say a lot of “I think what Dad really means by that is…” 🤣 My stress level will go WAY down once all of the kids are grown.🤣

[@twlahue]

Being a 9 is a great place to be! Embrace your strengths and keep exploring what makes you unique.

[@jenjones6284]

I'm a 9, and I like/want all 5 of the love languages. As for the 10 needs, the only one that's not high on my list is family involvement (and that's only because I don't have kids 😂).

[@twlahue]

Haha, I feel you! Being a 9 and wanting all five love languages sounds like a vibe! Just enjoy the ride and soak up all that love, kid-free and worry-free!

[@barbskeelcsw]

Yeah, that makes sense!!! From your loving woodland fairy in Santa Cruz-Barbara!!!

[@twlahue]

Haha, love the fairy vibes! Thanks for tuning in! Keep spreading that positivity! 🌟

[@tbechdol]

Im a 6 and seek admiration, affirmation through all of the above languages to support my security! Not huge on physical/touch. Haha my husband is a huge Bama fan!

[@twlahue]

Love that you know what you need! And hey, your husband being a Bama fan must keep things lively! Go team!

[@dawnellejenkins-austin2219]

I am a 7, and you just made me belly laugh. WOW! Every single thing you said, is me to a T!

[@twlahue]

I'm so glad to hear that! It's amazing how relatable humor can be. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

[@rb1599]

I'm a type 9 and my wife is a type 4. She definitely desires validation, quality time a conversational companion and acts of service. I don't know what my love language is. I don't really treasure anything on the list more than quiet time to myself. Does that fall under quality time?

[@twlahue]

It's interesting how different types can complement each other! Quiet time can definitely be a vital part of quality time; it's all about finding that balance that works for both of you.

[@theajane6444]

From one 9 to another: I'd say "quiet time to yourself" is definitely quality time. Other types can misunderstand it, though.

[@ltyson6744]

You're funny 😁 thanks

[@twlahue]

You’re welcome 😊

[@Mrsprissycat22]

I'm a four and I would say quality time is very important but I would say words of affirmation is a close second. Sometimes, I think it's my primary love language. I absolutely find acts of services off putting. It feels patronizing and infantilizing. I like to do things by myself. Yeah if I'm depressed I don want to do anything and want to stay in bed all day but when I'm not, I don't "hate doing mundane things".

[@twlahue]

It's interesting to see how different love languages resonate with us! Quality time and words of affirmation really do hold a special place in our hearts. Thanks for sharing your perspective!

[@laughingwaters8309]

I'm a 9/1 and I absolutely crave words of affirmation...maybe I need some balance because so many people ignore or run over me. I would say I need all of them, yes except for gifts. I don't really needs gifts much.

[@twlahue]

Hey, I totally get you! Words of affirmation are the best! Just keep being awesome, and don’t let anyone run you over! You got this!

[@mommore2972]

I’m an 8 female… acts of service 💯

[@twlahue]

Awesome

[@trevawhitmoyer682]

My ENTJ Enneagram 3 successful KZbinr son has asked me several times not to say I’m proud of him. 🤔 When when he was 10, he said, “Mama, please don’t cheer for me when I get a hit (in baseball), because it means the opposite is true, too.” What do you think about that, Dr. Tom?

[@twlahue]

It sounds like your son has a very insightful perspective at such a young age. Understanding that praise can come with pressure shows a lot of maturity.

[@trevawhitmoyer682]

@@twlahue Yes - Great way to look at it! Thanks for the reply. Nice to see your YT channel continuing to grow! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[@flynnifyable]

Stop equivocating. I’m a 5, and want to be left alone, want to be affirmed, want you to respect my boundaries, and until you started calling me a stinky hoarder you were spot on.😊

[@twlahue]

A stinky hoarder? Now that's a title I never thought I'd hear! But hey, everyone has their quirks, right? Just keep being you!