Esther Perel: The 3 Attachment Styles & Why You’re Struggling With Love!

If you enjoyed this video, I recommend you check out my conversation with dating expert Logan Ury, which you can find here: • The Love Expert: Why W...
00:00 Intro
03:02 Improving & Reviving People’s Relationships
06:17 The Impact of Childhood on Relationship Patterns
13:16 Navigating Couple Dynamics
24:41 Invest in Your Relationship
31:57 Reviving the Spark
34:51 The Words You Need To Use In Your Relationship
38:03 Transforming Conflict into Connection
46:36 Challenges of Connection in the Next Generations
49:27 Are Younger Generations Less Resilient?
51:19 Eroticism
56:44 Managing Expectations on Your Relationship
59:55 Romanticism in Relationships
01:02:17 The Power of Communication
01:06:25 Feminism, Gender Roles, and Sexual Dynamics
01:12:09 Are Couples Having Less Sex?
01:17:40 The Impact of Pornography on Relationships
01:19:42 Why Relationships Can Go Sexless For Years and How To Fix It
01:28:35 Ads
01:30:13 The Sex Game
01:35:56 The Real Reason People Cheat
01:42:41 Introducing New Things into Your Relationship
01:52:24 Actionable Advice for Couples
01:59:02 Last Guest Question
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[@TheDiaryOfACEO]

Whether you're facing challenges in love, wanting to re-connect with your partner, or curious about the nuances of human connection, this conversation offers invaluable tools to better your connections and understanding. Thank you Esther for this incredible conversation 💛 Can I ask you all a favour? If you enjoy this episode, could you please hit the like button 👍🏾 it helps us massively. Appreciate you all! 🙏🏽

[@PaulKhadar]

Keep up the brilliant work Steven, learnt so much from these videos !

[@matthewbrumage1154]

Such a good episode

[@Invading-Specious]

my life i devote for to be there for you, nomatter who you are

[@petebarber6778]

this is a dangerous guest

[@cindyd1042]

The easiest favor, I would be more than glad to hit the like button. Thank you for all you do!! You are exceptional at interviewing your guest!!

[@hiiiroobee]

"It's not as much you want to leave the person you are with as much as you want to leave the person that you have yourself become. It's not as much you want to meet another person as much as you want to meet other parts of yourself that have disappeared in your life." oh my days this hit me sooooo hard.

[@JackMason-oq8lf]

Men are programmed to go forth and spread seed. Women want someone to pay the rent and buy the groceries. And she's maneuvered to get laws that benefit HER and punish him. The law completely ignores a man's natural instincts. Men are bad, criminal, for acting how they were programmed. Men were nit designed to stay in one place. That is one of those female-forced laws which benefit HER. She's demanding he pay HER rent and buy HER food. And give HER a baby. And love, honor, and obey......HER. She is his jailer. She has the keys the law gives her. He just wants to get laid and spread some seed. And for that, he's bad.

[@tokelomapharisa5850]

100%

[@KstoneCreator]

Gobbledegook.

[@alenaadamkova5322]

Sam Vaknin said: "100 years ago women had casual sex twice in life time. Today women have casual sex twice a year, men 6 times a year. He said teenagers are not dating at all today, to know each other´s interests, and know each other intimately, the hobbies etc. They just follow trends. he said it changed with teenagers within 10 years....while in previous centuries such big change with teenagers dating would take 100 years....like exchanging interests and innocent form of dating full of acceptance and friendhip and respect etc. so the media caused it. evenn teenagers dont date in normal fashion. if media can cause such big chgange in 10 years, why people blame only one gender. We have to stop feeling brainwashed by corporatiosn and media who spread crazy trends about looks, and beauty and perfection. Perfection doesn´t exist in long term relatiosnhips and teenagrers learn the unwanted patterns from adults and wrong media. Asa Sam Vaknin said just in 10 years the teenagers changed so much that such big change would take minimally 100 years. I like celebrities looks and talents, but if liking the cellebs creates such great change in the world, maybe we should start seeing value in other things. Not compete about who looks better in make up and who doesnt. Nobody is dating in healthy way so nobody has a real relationship, or maybe only 20 percent have healthy relaltionship, because they are dating and knowing each other intimately and emotional intimacy, and knowing each other interests, and not having sex early. People should be inspired by the old generation, where they were dating just to know each other.

[@anthonycho6344]

The depth of insight from 40 years of counselling!

[@Menelik.videos]

"The death of a relationship is when people start taking each other for granted"! Wow, I couldn't have said that better.

[@bluepointglobal9566]

"If you want to change the other, change yourself" gold

[@mysteriousu5528]

It was first said by Gandhi, Father of the Nation/India: Be the change that you want to see in others.

[@melbaT2770]

Not really. When I started changing for the better, my ex became more envious of me. Insecure ppl have to change themselves but that rarely happens because they blame everyone else for their misfortunes.

[@alenaadamkova5322]

Sam Vaknin said: "100 years ago women had casual sex twice in life time. Today women have casual sex twice a year, men 6 times a year. He said teenagers are not dating at all today, to know each other´s interests, and know each other intimately, the hobbies etc. They just follow trends. he said it changed with teenagers within 10 years....while in previous centuries such big change with teenagers dating would take 100 years....like exchanging interests and innocent form of dating full of acceptance and friendhip and respect etc. so the media caused it. evenn teenagers dont date in normal fashion. if media can cause such big chgange in 10 years, why people blame only one gender. We have to stop feeling brainwashed by corporatiosn and media who spread crazy trends about looks, and beauty and perfection. Perfection doesn´t exist in long term relatiosnhips and teenagrers learn the unwanted patterns from adults and wrong media. Asa Sam Vaknin said just in 10 years the teenagers changed so much that such big change would take minimally 100 years. I like celebrities looks and talents, but if liking the cellebs creates such great change in the world, maybe we should start seeing value in other things. Not compete about who looks better in make up and who doesnt. Nobody is dating in healthy way so nobody has a real relationship, or maybe only 20 percent have healthy relaltionship, because they are dating and knowing each other intimately and emotional intimacy, and knowing each other interests, and not having sex early. People should be inspired by the old generation, where they were dating just to know each other.

[@anthonycho6344]

Self-awareness is the very foundation for solving all relationship problems I think.

[@lastwaltz86]

​@@melbaT2770please do remember that we can never force to change other people. If you are becoming better now than years before, kudos to you. You deserve it. You owe it to yourself, not anyone.

[@michelebknight]

“You go for people who express the part of you you don’t want to deal with.” Bam! Esther Perel is a phenomenal gift to couples and relationships! 🙌

[@melj89123]

That hit me like a freight train 💣

[@lynth]

I go for hot women I want to impregnate without having to take responsibility. Does that mean I should embrace my hotness, impregnate myself and stop taking so much responsibility? :D

[@visionvixxen]

Remember House and Wilson. This applies to friendship also

[@Dosadniste2000]

Now something I need not watch.

[@ISEEKSPACE]

I was just going to post this!! I was like 🤯

[@christineshah7330]

A simple testimony to the impact of connection: My husband and I have been married for 23 years. 3 kids. Started a small business. Death of my adored father who had Alzheimer's and I helped with his care, his beloved grandma died, my beloved grandma died. Our oldest son was diagnosed with autism and ultimately died in his sleep at 19. Money struggles. Friendship ups and downs. He has had a health struggle culminating in needing a pacemaker. So. Much. Struggle. So much pain and heartbreak but also so much joy. We adore each other totally and passionately. How did all of the problems not tear us apart? We turn to each other. We talk. Multiple times a day we simply say we love each other or we kiss or we check in or we call or we send a text and EVERY NIGHT we cuddle and talk about what is on our heart, what happened that day, whatever and usually end up having sex or at least making out. Physically connected and emotionally connected. Our connection has kept us alive and okay. How else do we survive losing our son? Our family? The challenges of autism? If you love you talk and you touch throughout every day. It's basic.

[@user-cz5lj2vx1f]

I feel SO MOVED by your comment. I wish that I had been able to build such a loving connection that could weather through life's storms and struggles. Wishing you and your life-partner continued sailing together on this sea of life.

[@christineshah7330]

@@user-cz5lj2vx1f I said it is basic, and it is, but it isn't easy. Millions of intentional kindnesses. Good hearted forgiving. Saying how you REALLY feel out loud but with love. Definitely has to be done as a duo. You can't create it with someone that isn't creating with you.

[@christofferraby4712]

Christine Shah you are a great sample of someone who built a close intimate relationship with your husband. Thank you!

[@arelis9383]

Oh my heart. ❤ Tears, just tears.

[@orkideen1]

That is so inspiring to read. Good for you ❤

[@gabrielabezerra4219]

“Relationship issues are not problems that you solve but paradoxes that you manage”🤯🤯 I had to literally pause to process this. Thank you.

[@Random-JustAnother]

Still processing it! 😄

[@nathalie5238]

This is a gem, isn’t it? It is indeed about paradoxes and not problems. Once we look at it this way we have another perspective

[@LuminescentShine]

I thought this was common sense. Isn't that what being in a long term relationship is all about?

[@milian696]

"Relationship issues are not problems that you solve, they're paradoxes that you manage." Brilliant quote from this brilliant lady.

[@Rett-qv7ti]

This is terrific advice for reasonably healthy minded people with high emotional intelligence who simply need educating. Many people however, lack the EQ and empathy to recall and apply these strategies regularly. Bottom line- choose your mate wisely.

[@bn8530]

You just gave away a free 2 hr therapy session with one of the most brilliant minds. Thank you.

[@OneSixSun]

Agree completely. We are fortunate.

[@galgool9]

So grateful! 🙌 this woman is brilliant!

[@eminemilly]

I just heard of her and immediately searched if diary of a ceo had an interview with her lol

[@natesn0w562]

One of the best conversations on this channel. A concern: Porn was mentioned about just once or twice in this 2 hour conversation and somehow found its way to the title of it. I know it’s to drive views but I think it’s inappropriate. Views shouldn’t be all that matters. It’s not even the main focus of this conversation. On one flip side, consider the problem this can even impact on driving views: some partners may want to share with the other partner but may reason they might think they’re watching porn and will not share it just to avoid certain negative confrontations. Well, it’s their own relationship issue but porn wasn’t the focus of this insightful discussion. Something to think about. Take care! Edit: Title has been changed to an appropriate one that fits the discussion. Thanks for listening.

[@dM-ij1we]

I agree. Half the target audience has been deleted with the title.

[@zah936]

Thank you

[@zah936]

I was scrolling through the comments before watching it and won't be because I have made a rule for myself to not encourage click baiting

[@visionvixxen]

Completely uncalled for , right? Before even watching it, I left a comment that even saying this is awful. Luckily I saw it was Esther Perel and clicked that it’s just a sophomoric attempt at attention grabbing when it’s absolutely not needed. Please don’t do this again

[@user-tz2yp5jl2w]

I clicked because the title was catching. I’m sure there statisticians and marketing experts know what will get more views, of course I’m staying for the rest of the information.

[@OneSixSun]

Esther Perel has clarified, in less than two hours, for me, 33 years of confusion, chaos and wretchedness. This woman is a gift. Direct, clear, succinct, confidence, certain, helpful, sensible, unapologetic and clearly very, very wise and learned. Brilliant. Thank you, DOAC.

[@JamesOKeefe-US]

I truly appreciate Steven's openness to discuss his own challenges. We all have them and it's helpful to hear Steven be open about them. The benefit from these videos is immense.

[@reservedarmadillo]

37 minutes in and I stopped what I was doing (shamelessly consuming copious amounts of satsumas) and wrote my partner a message of gratitude and my understanding of how I love her. I'm pretty good with self practises but this was a great and necessary emotional nudge. Thankyou.

[@peterjohnstonfl]

Same! This was amazing!

[@dlehmann8353]

awe!

[@rohw0016]

She most likely dried up.

[@kalimiltcharek9397]

Don't call your girlfriend a partner. Using " my girlfriend " has more emotional and belonging value. It makes the girl to know that she belongs to you and you belong to her. It is going to make you both feel the sweetness of belonging to each other. Partner is your business partner, but you don't make love with her, him or have children with them, or share bills, or .... well, I will stop here.❤

[@yesSofia]

Partner is extremely common in the UK. Business partner is just that. Nothing wrong with it.

[@Perfumedmemoirs]

I squealed with JOY when I saw that Esther is the guest! ❤ Thank you Steve, you’re changing peoples lives !

[@reneeshakara]

same here!

[@jamaulwhyte]

Eeeeeek me too!

[@chelseathompson2796]

same! I love her

[@amywinter7297]

me too!

[@raviforyou1666]

When I saw the title, I was like "You got ESTHER PEREL"... thats the perfect guest on the show!

[@ChickenBoondoggle]

This episode has made me appreciate my partner so much more. He is my biggest supporter and someone I can always reliably depend on. Everytime I come home from work he's there to greet me with a big warm hug and a triplet of kisses. He pays attention to me when we speak, we have fiery debates but he's somehow always on my side. I have to remember not to take him for granted, as I have a self saboteur hidden in me that presents itself at the happiest times in my life. Thanks for this one

[@ameliahamilton8637]

Esther is the quintessential cutting edge relationship miracle worker that our generation is gifted with. She is to "my relationship with others" as Gabor is to "my relationship with myself". Both of these humans are angelic in my opinion, and are helping us all get thru this insanely chaotic time, sanely.

[@gracefulexit2023]

I 100% agree. Esther is such an eye-opener as much as Gabor is! Deo Gratias for the both of them!💯

[@musicguy9299]

@@gracefulexit2023 I like her mind, but, she will only have a positive effect on good people. I wish her well.

[@amykennedy7024]

YES! I love them both.

[@SomeRandomBlackWoman]

What I see Esther saying is that we don’t simply connect and stay connected indefinitely. We have to keep reconnecting. Each partner acknowledging the other is a reconnection point. Of course there must be balance, grace, and considerations but it’s simple to see that the more you lean into the small connections, the better the chance of the relationship enduring. People always say ‘it’s the little things’ and then turn away from the little things that reinforce true connection with their partners.🙃

[@Random-JustAnother]

GOLD!

[@kylemonti1711]

I love hearing him under his breath swear, "F***". Because its the moment when you realize you've accepted accountability and how you have created that issue.

[@ceciliai.ogwude2845]

"Esther why are you shouting at me?"😂😂 This is just precious. I love this. Thank you for this podcast. Very eye opening.

[@Doreenrrrr]

I loved how Esther checked whether she had been shouting (Stephen let her know he was just joking) - a subtle show of humility and concern on Esther's part.

[@silviak.s.8236]

I agree! Yes! Intelligent humor (friendly) is a very good beginning 😃 for a great conversation like this 👏

[@galgool9]

She wasn’t… seemed defensive! lol

[@nikyatujusu8561]

“It is in the presence of the other that we know who we are.” Immensely profound.

[@JacquiCryer]

I’m 59 next week. Have followed this woman for the last 4 years. Fabulous knowledge gained

[@SWOTHDRA]

You over the hill tho, nobody checking for you

[@CJM527]

Happy birthday next week 🎉

[@acceptingWhatIS]

Thank God I woke up to taking a great partner for granted and began to thank and put time into the connection he was constantly offering. Putting us first has upgraded everything in my life for the better!

[@DistinctMale]

❤that’s awesome!

[@AndreeaT-fj6dd]

Its a good think if they also communicate that,at times we are So caught up with life we dont realise what we are doing wrong

[@cgrass4035]

My grandfather was from Belgium and my grandmother from Rotterdam so I find it strangely comforting to listen to her accent…I grew up in Canada and she sounds the same comforting…

[@louisebakerlifeandwellness3391]

Love her accent

[@rubyreduxx]

Hands down the best guest on this show to date this lady KNOWS what she’s talking about

[@adamatache1446]

Esther: “She’s absolutely right” Steven: *whispers* “Fuck” 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣 34:20

[@ZackHagood]

I was just laughing at this too when watching it 😂

[@words007]

Holy hell its true. steven is disappointed. porn is in ways PERFECT sexual gratifying thing theres no start or end of it. But there are ups and downs and lows and highs of human relationships, I like porn because of Aesthetics but for some reason i value human beings more. I just hope Men everywhere have a small future thinking ability when determining their partner. To avoid everything bad that happens to couples today

[@ceciliai.ogwude2845]

It was hilarious 😂

[@jenn_4174]

Esther Perel has changed my life simply by me watching her videos and reading her writings. What a brilliant mind that is a gift to our world! Can’t wait to listen to this entire episode!

[@thekeysman6760]

Definitely a brilliant mind, but one which misused the word 'literally' within the first five minutes! 😉

[@Joan-COYI]

@theykeysman she speaks 7 languages and English isn’t her first language, I don’t even know why I’m saying this but please, give her a break.

[@thekeysman6760]

@@Joan-COYI Just an observation. No "break" needed, especially after the fact! Literally means the same in all languages! 😉

[@willudallmusic]

@@thekeysman6760 how many times in this comment section are you going to raise this point?! 🤦🏻‍♂ no one is taking the bait.

[@thekeysman6760]

@@willudallmusic I mentioned it a few times where people were praising her ridiculously whilst ignoring her mistake. And? It was ages ago now. Get over it. There is no "bait" just fact but you are baited, it seems!

[@mikeymike2115]

My partner and I plan to watch this episode together. For 40 years, I have been so naïve about the level of work required in a relationship. My partner has taught me this in several ways including encouragement to look at certain situations in a different way. I love her so much for opening my eyes and showing me how to be a better person.

[@winstrolchurchill821]

I do understand what you are saying but so many times if it needs so much work it’s the wrong person

[@JaneThatcher89]

♥️♥️ Aw, Thank you for sharing this! May I ask, what has she said to you, that was eye-opening/caused you to think differently? I would love any advice you have, because your comment was insightful and I want to help my husband kindly, as well as myself, to improve our marriage!

[@mikeymike2115]

As I found out 1 week after this post. My heart shattered. @@winstrolchurchill821

[@evalebedinsky3830]

@@winstrolchurchill821would you say the same thing if someone needed to learn skills for their job and If they said they were naive about what a certain job took, would you say it’s just not the right fit? Usually we say that you have to be trained and taught for particular jobs and it’s the same for relationships. Most people just aren’t taught listening and communication skills, emotional regulation and skills of connection. These aren’t things that come naturally to everyone, but women tend to be taught these skills earlier in life through their friendships and through others expectations.

[@winstrolchurchill821]

@@evalebedinsky3830 yes you’d be sacked fro:the job is wasn’t the right fit before naming yourself the right fit they wouldn’t give you that time

[@top500reviewer]

No one is like Ester! She is so unique and knows so much about dynamics in relationships. Love her.

[@anthonyfoti9718]

The diary of a CEO is the best podcast out there. I have seen at least 20 episodes and they are all 🔥. Each time I think that its my favorite one too. The quality of guests are unmatched. I love how it's intellectually based and not argumentative. If you want to get your knowledge up and get empowered to understand yourself and the world better, make sure you tune in often.

[@queenofthebutterflies5212]

Couldn't have put it better

[@missjaxsyn]

Yesss!!!! I’m always intrigued and constantly learning something new

[@Shane071080]

Agreed! ❤ the PROFESSIONAL QUALITY

[@LisaPFrampton]

He also asks excellent questions.

[@tel5690]

Esther is so good....she asks the right questions and breaks it all down in several minutes and you feel like damn.... That makes total sense how you explained it.

[@oscarellerbe2285]

It took me all morning to listen to this 2 hour conversation bc I kept pausing to process so many points being made. My Saturday morning was this podcast & coffee. This type of quality conversation is necessary in a world of empty clamoring & ego.

[@DomCTBG]

I love when Steven asks questions because I am the same ambitious, independent type so I get him and hearing the responses truly helps me. I am a woman.

[@neemaaraka_Psychiatrist]

She was an obvious guest to this podcast. I knew it was just a matter of time. She really is magic. She observes and sees details in things with such ease and incredible clarity. As a psychiatrist, I'm amazed by her therapy skills. I know she studied, worked hard but it always seems to me like she was just born this way, with knowledge and experience. I haven't watched this episode but I'm certain I'll love it. And that my comment won't change.

[@markgaudie80]

You have to watch it or even listen to it in podcast form. It’s amazing!

[@thekeysman6760]

I'm sure you're right, although she misused the word 'literally' within the first five minutes. Which is strange.

[@user-po9ne6tx1c]

@@thekeysman6760 well, English is not her first language so, it might happen.

[@thekeysman6760]

@@user-po9ne6tx1c True. Yet most people use words correctly. Using a word incorrectly is suspicious!

[@polichch]

From the whole podcast if that’s what stays with you.. that she used a word incorrectly.. it’s says a lot about you, not that much about her. Suspicious 🙈… this woman intellectually and on the level of emotional intelligence is way above the average level, so yes, not everyone will get what she is saying. And it seems to me you definitely have trust issues.

[@fromalko]

I'm curious of what question Esther left for the next guest. What a gifted human being she is. So much wisdom, kindness and comfort has she offered. I listen and re-listen to her interviews at least once a month, and every time I learned new things about relationships or about me. I'm just so grateful for her

[@natashahamunene2052]

"Esther, why are you shouting at me?" 🤣 She was definitely shouting at you bro! LOL! Funniest moment in this episode. I loved this episode. Thanks for bringing us so much continuous value! Long live.

[@DannyRanger2023]

34:21 I love this part. You can subtly hear Steven’s realisation of something needing to change in his own life. After listening to a lot of these I think this is one of the best, because what Esther is saying is being applied to a real world scenario with real world introspection. Love it.

[@anoncspan4129]

The funny thing is you can hear him utter, "f#$-" after she says, "she's right." I'm glad you pointed out the timestamp so I could go back and catch that on the second play through. Happy new year!

[@ntildesley2071]

I found myself surprised he was not aware of his own stonewalling and turning away from his partner, considering he's been to conflict resolution and has this job. But his job is causing the very relationship issues that he's trying to unpick, or rather his poor boundaries to put his laptop away when he doesn't even get home until 9am anyway, completely blocking his partner out of his life. It's fascinating to see how we can completely fail to accurately see ourselves and our impact in the relationship.

[@muntkins]

I love Esther, she help me to survive a betrayal on my than 17 years marriage. The relationship didn’t survive, but her wisdom will never leave me, thank you!!!!!

[@monicam7782]

I feel like I've watched a semi-psychotherapy session and semi-interview. Thank you Steven for being so frank about your own relationship. ❤️🙏🏽. I learnt so much about myself in this hybrid format.

[@relaxwithme__]

She shares so many gold nuggets that are not often not shared in conventional relationship advice. 🔥

[@thetruth2230]

What a brilliant woman! I love the way she breaks things down and explains relationship problems. The hard part is executing the solution. People are lazy and often would rather quit and try again later with someone else.

[@missjaxsyn]

Before this episode, I knew nothing of Esther Perel but now I love her and will be reading her book. I’ve learned so much within these 2 hours !! ❤

[@zariDari]

I did't want this episode this end. She is phenomenal. Everytime I listen to her I learn sth. Thanks for this one A LOT

[@AnnieB8844]

I am actually slightly proud that a large part of this I figured out on my own:). In my relationship, I stopped looking at her being EVERYTHING. I just looked at how much she gave/gives me, and that that was a LOT. I realized that some things in my life I would not be able to have with her (some hobbies and interests), but that I could still do those things on my own or with other friends. And once I realized that, I became extremely happy and am in a very happy relationship:).

[@monikab3413]

What I like the most about this podcast, beside these quality guests and the information they share, is the lack of interruption from Steven's part, the fact that he is truly hearing and listening to them, along with his openness by bringing personal examples too, rare qualities nowadays.

[@kevinswett1964]

cannot believe how profound this woman's words are. insanely wise and insightful. lightbulbs going on with practically every sentence she speaks. thanks esther 👊🏽

[@user-fc3mb6qm5r]

Wow, I wasn't going to watch this but figured why not I have a little extra time to actually watch it. And boy, am I glad I did. This woman is very well spoken and knows how to express the things that plenty of people want to but don't know how. (Esther, I am thankful to you for sharing your hard work and information) THANK YOU!!!! HAVE A GREAT DAY

[@dnangelova]

My grandmother always thought us that in relationship and marriage is not important to walk on the same road but to look at the same direction ❤❤❤ if people have different plans for the common future of the family then they won't last long but if they work together for the same results but in different ways then they will succeed.

[@RyanZobeiri-ir8pr]

The best two hours that I've ever spent listening to a podcast

[@dovdougherty634]

whoever edits the openings for your videos does a great job - they get me every time!

[@UWABEAUTY247]

"I've been waiting for Esther to speak on this topic." Heartfelt. Steve, you are changing lives one person at a time.

[@thulaniyeyeyegumede9054]

This lady is something else!!! Wow!!! She’s a philosopher - a great thinker, she is. First time drinking from her well. This is great… no gimmicks 🎉

[@bennywright12]

This individual is remarkably astute! I've unravelled his approach: he invites a guest and scrutinises their content for spikes, identifying the topics that generate significant engagement. Then, he cleverly tailors the conversation to focus exclusively on these high-impact topics. For example, a guest might experience a spike in viewer interest when discussing certain subjects in their videos. He compiles these spikes from numerous videos, shaping his questions and discussion topics around them when interacting with the guest. This method ensures the conversation is always centred on the most resonant and engaging subjects. Genius!!

[@MrQuadcity]

**The key takeaways are:** 1. **Treat Relationships Like a Business**: Perel emphasizes the importance of giving relationships the same level of attention and effort as one would in a business setting, highlighting the need for active engagement and commitment. 2. **Impact of Childhood Experiences**: She discusses how childhood experiences can shape adult relationships, but also points out that these patterns can be rewritten through understanding and effort. 3. **Understanding Relationship Dynamics**: Perel explores the "figure eight" pattern in relationships, where partners trigger each other's vulnerabilities and survival strategies, and stresses the importance of recognizing and breaking these cycles. 4. **Importance of Presence and Acknowledgment**: Small gestures of acknowledgment, like a hug or a kiss, are crucial for maintaining intimacy and breaking cycles of artificial intimacy. 5. **Role of Conflict**: Perel advises focusing on what couples are fighting for (such as trust or recognition) rather than what they are fighting about, distinguishing between productive and destructive conflict. 6. **Technology and Emotional Presence**: She warns against the ambiguous loss that occurs when people are physically present but emotionally absent, often due to distractions like technology. 7. **Maintaining Connection**: Perel stresses the importance of noticing small details, sharing experiences, and engaging in activities together to maintain a strong connection in relationships. 8. **Changing Family Dynamics**: She notes the shift in reasons for having children and the importance of couple happiness in the survival of families, reflecting societal changes. 9. **Sexuality and Intimacy**: Perel explores the complexity of sexual relationships, emphasizing that sexual issues are not always indicative of relationship problems and the importance of communication and connection. 10. **Active Engagement in Relationships**: The importance of vulnerability, accountability, and not expecting the other person to change, but rather asking oneself what can be done to improve the relationship. 11. **Value of Decency Over Status**: Perel's teachings include valuing a person's decency over their status symbols, a lesson that extends beyond romantic relationships to general human interactions.

[@gailsaunders9851]

Thank you; this is helpful!

[@MrQuadcity]

@@gailsaunders9851 Welcome

[@marybethweiss-thomas2665]

Thank you for this!

[@MrQuadcity]

@@marybethweiss-thomas2665 Welcome welcome

[@BelArtist]

I appreciate Steven sharing vulnerable parts of his relationship even when they are not always flattering for him, because he’s approaching the conversation with transparency. It’s also clear that he’s done work on himself and that’s always what we want to do in life 😌

[@julie5705]

I’m just at the part about interdependence. “They (partner) have a presence and a meaning to your life. That’s the secret to a connection I couldn’t do it without you. I couldn’t do this if you didn’t do that. That’s the interdependence” What a marvellous conversation between two brilliant human beings. I look forward to telling my partner how much they mean to me and balance my life ❤

[@reneeshakara]

Me too! Rather than sorry I couldn't do this or that which puts the speaker in a more powerful position

[@wendythiel2059]

Dont only say...show it!!

[@MrsHuntontheTrails]

Esther probably saved my life six years ago. Delighted to have the opportunity to listen to her wisdom here.

[@SWOTHDRA]

She didnt

[@oneofwonderland450]

Thank you for sharing your delight! Joyful people will share in it with you. Miserable people will try to take you down to their level. Hope you have an amazing weekend!

[@ninabradshaw2267]

25 mins in and I'm already in tears. Esther has hit the nail on the head. ❤

[@Oturtlegirl51]

Man, this conversation was pure gold, and so unspeakably sad to me. She's described my first marriage that shouldn't have ended, but it did. I wish this information would be included in every high school curriculum. We are all so unaware of how impactful our childhoods are to what we bring into our early love relationships. If we knew better, many of us would do better.

[@felixmidas3245]

I am not unaware of that. Speak for yourself!

[@iDrumGod]

@@felixmidas3245good for you..?

[@lowlowseesee]

Yes people are stuck on astrology and tradition. Where as a personality test, attachment style test off of psychology websit and incest, Rais and emotional abuse courses would serve us much better

[@lowlowseesee]

Rape, consent^*

[@elysemcclure148]

I agree! There should be Relationships 101 in health class. We read literature in school to learn about “the human condition” (and that may include stories with rape scenes), but there isn’t any discussion on love. They teach “safe sex” (which amounts to them saying to use a condom), but they don’t teach how to have conversations about consent. Not everyone grows up with good role models. It would save a whole lot of heartache if teens were taught the things they teach in couples counseling, instead of leaving them to seek out the Andrew Tates of the world for advice.

[@why25why]

Your shock when she said "six months...how about sixteen years?" And your reply of "you have that?" Oh honey. It's so very common. Esther is a gift. I love when I find her content. I always learn so much; always about myself and the expectations I bring to my relationships. She helps me with my own course corrections. So much gratitude.

[@King311___]

Six months what?

[@nz7777]

So glad you’ve interviewed her. I’m a “fan” of hers for over 10 years now. There’s always something new to take away from her interviews.

[@thekeysman6760]

'fan' in inverted commas. You aren't quoting anyone. 👍

[@Melisse888]

Steven, an archetypal avoidant in relationships, believes his worth stems from the businesses he operates. His preoccupation with being "busy," a guise for feeling important, keeps him from giving attention and love. He links his value directly to his business success, leading him to feel deep down that he's inherently "worthless." This belief also hinders his ability to value his partner, who sees worth in him. Subconsciously, he thinks, "If this person values me, whom I deem worthless, then she must be worthless too." Unfortunately, no expert advice can help him overcome this mindset, only a significant loss, like the end of a relationship or business, can. Stripped of these elements and forced to confront himself, he will initially develop an anxious attachment style, overcompensating for past neglect. However, when this approach becomes too painful, he will eventually come to recognize his inherent value as a human being, learning to love himself despite his flaws, failures, and insecurities. This self-acceptance will lead him to become his true self, adopting a secure attachment style. (Mark these words by an ex avoidant founder/ceo)

[@marybethweiss-thomas2665]

Yes!!! You to the heart of the matter and articulated this so eloquently. I had a partner like this and it hurt me so much. What he was saying about his behavior triggered me. Thank you for sharing your insights. You helped me have more compassion and understanding for people who behave this way and reminded me that it comes from low self worth and insecurity. Thank you❤!

[@anoncspan4129]

Loved your comment and the first responder to it, as well. Coincidentally, my partner, also a Melissa, is an unaware avoidant, now having her semi secure, turned chasing anxious partner, me, is in a single-sided healing process. And I totally appreciate your commentary. I thank you, Esther, and all the others that are there to share productive perspectives that help expand the imagination of possible fruits from various efforts of love and understanding.

[@Melisse888]

@@marybethweiss-thomas2665 💕

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

It's not an uncommon scenario. Can't help feeling that his current relationship won't last; there's too much exposure given in these interviews by him. I also think that his current gf is very much ms rn. I think he's dissatisfied with his relationship and trying to make it work. He wants his next level gf and either they're not checking for him or he's too busy to look right now.

[@edena2769]

What an amazing, smart, intelligent , articulate lady. How much knowledge she has! I am 62, and I found myself agreed with every word she said. I am sooo happy I found your podcast Steven. Your interviews are the most interesting I have ever seen. Thank you ❤

[@staj]

Utterly Phenomenal Guest! She’s probably the most impactful speaker I’ve found online till date. Thanks for getting her on to share the much-needed message. Keep up the Great Work.

[@sweetkissonyourlips]

I literally teared up when I saw an episode with Esther Perel, especially with you as a host! Thank you for the amazing work, knowledge, food for thought and effort, Steven and team! ❤

[@thekeysman6760]

4:36 "all these changes that are LITERALLY happening UNDER OUR FEET." Not 'literally', no! 😂 Figuratively! My gosh. 😉🤦‍♂️ So I hope you mean you actually did tear up & cry? And if so, why bother saying 'literally'?

[@PhonkEcho]

Being a white lady is awesome, you can cry in an instant. Cant imagine what cute cat videos do to you

[@thekeysman6760]

@@PhonkEcho It's not awesome if you were a white man prior, believe me! 😉

[@OmzLaw]

Wow... this podcast is probably one of your best ones, hands down! Esther is a poet. My partner and i watched it together and stopped several times to hug one another and say how much we appreciate each other. Thank you for this ❤

[@PbVeritas]

What amazes me the most is the fact that this is news to so many people...

[@hannahwoolhouse9499]

With all due respect Steven - if you get in at 9pm and still expect to do more work something is wrong! Finish your work “at work” wherever that is and don’t touch it once you return home. It’s an obvious rule. Not adhering to it can destroy a relationship.

[@janinemelanie8391]

I really felt for his girlfriend hearing this. Good lesson for us all listening to really treasure the time we have with the people we love and put the screens away ❤

[@SWOTHDRA]

​@@janinemelanie8391she aint complaining when he buys her stuff or diner

[@thekeysman6760]

'At work', inverted commas as you aren't quoting anyone. 👍

[@brandy7572]

@@thekeysman6760 it should be italicized, no quotes at all. That being said, on social media you generally can not properly do grammar or writing conventions because they are not available, so many people use double quotes in place of an underline, which has become a replacement for italics.

[@DomCTBG]

@@brandy7572 Yours is a matter of opinion, not fact but that's okay. You're operating the same as every other self aggrandized person on social media.

[@simuliid]

Wow! This was my favorite conversation so far! Esther has sooo much to share. What a beautiful and generous soul ❤

[@Tren.T]

This was by far the best episode I have watched. Extremely profound. I need to rewatch to internalize these gems of perspective.

[@1cocobeware]

Your Playlist organization is seriously light-years above the rest SO APPRECIATED

[@jayt2473]

This interview is absolutely enlightening, I will have to rewatch it several times to soak it all up as there is so much here - Thank you!

[@zadabeasley]

Esther Perel is simply the G.O.AT. Of the evolution of healthy relationships and human sexuality!! Great job being vulnerable and willing to learn another perspective, with the intention of applying the learnings. The segment on connecting was spot on! Cheers 🥂 to seeing an increase in healthy people having healthy relationships! Love is after all a choice we make despite how we’re feeling. ✨✅ Put your tech down and get outside! 😅

[@M1N1Girl007]

NO SHES NOT😂😂 Sue Johansson was the best. She had her own tv show on Oxygen for years and was relatable. She was a Nurse Practitioner and Sex Healthcare professional. This lady will never compare and this lady a man hater.

[@PhonkEcho]

its always healthy when the woman get what she wants, screw the man. what a load of crap. Dont simp for no bih guys!

[@rach3337]

Esther is incredible. One of the best interviews I've seen on here, and with such depth. So many profound insights, one after another. Sometimes she speaks very quickly but she's saying something so powerful. Worth replaying and pausing at points to absorb. A highlight for me was memory from her father: to value decency and kindness above all.

[@JGF08]

I have been watching Esther Perel for years and I never tire of her wisdom. Everytime I see her / listen to her speak, I feel like I’m learning something new. She never seizes to amaze me.

[@QueenPattyJorge]

This will be the converstion I will be back to every so often to help align my perception of my relashionships. This was therapy. It spoke to me from begining to end. Fantastic work for both 🙏🏻

[@dooshimastone]

Absolutely brilliant conversation! I feel so enriched to have listened to this. Thank you Steve and Esther 🙏🏾

[@simonebrady05]

Perel is really another LEAGUE of guest.

[@montserrat919]

Steve, I very much enjoyed your therapy session with Esther 😂😂😂😂. Seriously speaking, thank you for having such amazing guests and for taking the time to dive deep in their work ❤

[@PeterJamesCreatives]

This is one of my favourite interviews I've watched. Esther Perel is a wonderful & very intelligent soul. Everything here is a gift to life of anyone that is serious about the true depths of love. Not just in a relationship, but in all forms of being. It was very clear how Steve wasn't able to accept certain elements and how much he prioritises his own needs without being present or able to acknowledge the answers to the questions he presented to her. I hope that he will be able to in his life, especially with his partner who clearly see's his greatness. I also didn't feel that Esther was shouting at him, but easy to see how he interprets it when the truth is being answered passionately. I imagine his partner will be very relieved to see this interview. I pray that this interview gets millions of hit world wide as it's what the world needs because it is full of truly nutritious information for our heart, mind and souls. Thank you to those who made this happen and huge thanks to Esther for everything that she has given to so many for so many decades. We need more people like her in the position of teaching, learning and protecting our lives.

[@Lovezz07]

Yeees..that part was gold...he was deflecting and went to tone policing. She was clearly passionate, it's not like she went after him, but he was in defensive mode and started deflecting.. And it happened multiple times in the podcast.I just imagine what he is like when his girlfriend starts bringing up things he doesn't like in a conversation. I hope he sees this and starts reflecting on his own inability to stay in discomfort and "negative" emotion.

[@PeterJamesCreatives]

@@Lovezz07 very well said, I also thought the same as you - that you get the feeling about deflection in conversations with his partner or even perhaps female figures who encourage progressive internal growth. Amazing how it can appear that we can have our lives sorted - looks, money, job, position and yet still not see the truth in the very conversation that we are instigating. Sometimes interesting to observe, other times very confusing lol.

[@snipcastio]

Here is a summary of the episode from Snipcast! *About the Episode 🎙️* Esther Perel, a renowned love and sex expert, discusses the complexities of modern relationships, the impact of societal changes on intimacy, and the reasons why men may prefer pornography over their partners. The video delves into the dynamics of desire, communication, and the effort required to maintain a fulfilling relationship. *Key Takeaways 💡* - Love requires continuous effort and is not a constant state of enthusiasm; it involves actions like giving, receiving, sharing, and exploring. - Childhood experiences influence adult relationships, but individuals can rewrite their stories and change their impact. - Patterns in relationships are co-created by both partners, often forming a figure eight loop of triggering each other's survival strategies. - Acknowledging and appreciating each other's efforts can strengthen the connection between partners. - Divorce laws have shifted the focus to the health and happiness of the couple for maintaining the family unit. - Conflict in relationships is essential for equity and justice, but it requires productive management. - Society's expectations for one relationship to fulfill all needs is unrealistic; relationships are paradoxes to be managed. - Men do have emotional depth and can express feelings when given the opportunity and support. - Both men and women have similar needs for connection and intimacy, despite societal socialization suggesting otherwise. - Fear of rejection is a common vulnerability for men, and pornography provides a sense of security by eliminating rejection. - Sexlessness in relationships should be defined by the quality of sexual experiences and connection, not just frequency. - Open and honest communication about sexual desires, fantasies, and boundaries is crucial for a fulfilling sexual relationship. - Cheating in relationships can be a way to feel alive and reconnect with lost parts of oneself, not just about sex. - Novelty and seeing one's partner through the eyes of others can enhance attraction and desire within a relationship. - Sexual privacy and creating an erotic space are important for maintaining a passionate relationship. - Understanding and accepting each other's individual erotic desires is key to a satisfying sexual relationship. - Active engagement and vulnerability in relationships are necessary for growth and avoiding complacency. - Valuing and cherishing the relationship involves actively seeking novelty and maintaining effort.

[@copa1856]

Thank you! I really do not have 2hrs to spare to watch this.

[@Ladyloubna]

Thank you so much ❤ It will help many people who doesn’t watch all the episode for some reason ❤

[@hrdirector9315]

This was one of the best personal accountability relationship focused podcasts I have seen a long time. Extremely simplistic but difficult for many people to absorb.

[@martenvanharen4618]

My parents died together at the year of 87, and were married over 60 years, they both cheated on each other in the past but , chose to talk about it and eventually they made mistakes but moved on together! What a great example

[@antoniariboni8537]

Esther perel is a such a source of expertise, wisdom and experience when it comes to relationships. Thankyou for having her a guest🥰

[@peaceemezue]

I was so pleased to see Esther as a guest I have been wishing and hoping that Steven will invite her. I love love her I have followed her for years and I must she is a witch as Steven says she is so good and warm. She changed my life. Thank you for bringing Esther

[@janetkirilova]

Esther is absolutely phenomenal! Pure preciousness! I am out of words to describe how much I appreciate her and her work. Thank you, Steven, for doing an amazing work with this podcast and your guest selection. I always enjoy the episodes so very much.

[@Mideezhanti]

I've listened to a lot of interviews with Esther, and this is by far the best. Brilliant work, I learned so much thank you!

[@erdosandrea]

I love Esther !!! Was so happy when I saw her as your guest. She is a real treasure ❤

[@oriain81]

She really knows her stuff. Excellent explanation on the dynamics of a relationship.

[@ThePlutonicWay]

This is mindblowing! I've just gone through a break up and knew our dynamic and problems were quite clear but you have totally clarified any confusion I had left. This will help me move on, balance myself, my expectations and how I approach all relationships from now on. Thank you so much 🙏

[@naserianmanyando9849]

She is amazing! I am humbled by how grounded she is. Thank you for this episode,you were both brilliant!

[@artaiesalniece1560]

This channel is SIMPLY THE BEST! Since I saw the first episode, I’m literally hooked on it. From each and every interview I learn so much and especially this one - just after listening first 35 minutes, I got a courage and spoke up with my partner about a topic that was bothering me for a year already. We didn’t fight, we didn’t raise voices, we just explained the points of view of each one. It was a great constructive dialogue after which both of us got to the middle point. Both happy. And all that thanks to this podcast that reached the deepest corners of myself. I told to my partner “being in a relationship makes you discover the things about yourself which otherwise you’d never face.” He couldn’t agree more. Thanks Steven and Esther 🙏 ❤

[@a-framesurfmedia]

My favourite relationship specialist and my favourite podcaster. Thx Steven! You are fulfilling your promise… making the show better and better and better… kudos.

[@ingridhalls1538]

"acknowledgement is more important with time, rather than less important " . It's like good manners , and appreciation with your spouse is forever!

[@Random-JustAnother]

The more... the More!! This is me. Right this moment. The more Gold that pours out of her mouth, the More clips of this video I make! Seriously!! I truly feel BLESSED to have heard of Esther. And at the same time I'm listen, I find she's coming to MY area in a short time! WOOT! ❤

[@c.schuster7353]

This podcast is life changing and so needed in our modern world. Thank you Steven for your dedication 🙏

[@sharonagwu1284]

I really like the thought that my relationship with my husband thrives, I always thought because we are opposites, but I learned another way of thinking about it which is my husband expresses a part of me that I don’t want to deal with, so I have outsourced what I don’t want to deal with to him, and I am sure he does that to me and whenever we are away from each other we realise how important the other is, so my take away is spend time apart every so often, it makes me appreciate the little things that I take for granted, and he loves it when I’m specific with what I missed about him ❤

[@Lovejoypeace69]

I cannot thank you enough for your style of interviewing. You’re one of my favorite interviewers and I want to thank you for keeping it so clean. Often people use the filler words and they cuss and as my husband always says, “when someone cusses it’s just a lack of vocabulary.” Your interviews are always professional, intriguing, and this one has open my heart in so many areas. I’ve been married for 35 years and I feel like I have a very healthy marriage but there’s still of course so much to work on. Thank you once again for this outstanding interview. Esther was absolutely brilliant, loving, fun, playful! Keep up the great work both of you. I love every aspect of this interview. I am 59 years old, I do understand the power of playing outside. I was raised with five brothers, so with that being said, there were a lot of fights (normal fights) in our neighborhood, disagreements, we played football, made forts, yes, we actually had fistfights at times, we had parties, ice skated all winter, sleepovers, walked out the woods, late night walks around the neighborhood, I could go on and on.

[@brandy7572]

Your husband is incorrect. Curse words are...words. Also, Steven cusses, as well. He did in this episode.

[@johnmathew1203]

The best guest on this channel by far. A true expert in her field.

[@abrilliantnomad]

Lol @ the 22min mark When Esther said we need to be more present and stop scrolling on the phones and Steve blurted out “but I’m busy” she gave him that motherly “and ya ass goin be lonely quickly then“ look 😂 She was so on point though.