Explaining Transference in Therapy - And How Therapists Often Misuse It

[@carolineprenoveau7655]

I feel therapy for me was mostly negative and re-traumatizing. After 15 years of seeing different therapists, I developed a phobia of therapy. I don't want to go back there, at all. I found a life coach in the Netherlands who's way more helpful than all the therapists I've seen combined. For one simple reason: I can relax with her, I can finally let my guard down because she's not judging me or attacking me and she really listens. I feel like letting out a huge sigh of relief. I think looking outside North America was a good move. I feel there's something deeply wrong around here, we suck really badly when it comes to mental health.

[@jennw6809]

Same experience with therapy except my phobia only took 7 years. Interesting you found someone good outside the US.

[@Kittysuit]

are you dutch? does dutch healthcare cover the costs for the life coach? do you meet in person? i am just asking cause i have been looking into this myself for a long time but havent taken the leap because of costs and being afraid for it to fail (like therapy). i would appreciate any more insight! thank you!

[@carolineprenoveau7655]

@@Kittysuit I'm Canadian, we're talking through WhatsApp. It does cost a lot since the Canadian dollar isn't doing so great these days. But I consider it better to pay more for something that works rather than pay less for something that's counter-productive. Wherever you look, I suggest you try to find somebody who understands CPTSD. It's the most useful concept I came across in 15 years, and it's pretty much what Daniel has been saying since forever. At last, it seems some healers are catching up.

[@gingerisevil02]

Yea it took me 2 years to decide in down with my current therapist because I felt so re-traumatized but had no support .

[@femininejewel]

I am from the Netherlands and moved to the States because I was so deeply traumatized by the therapists there in The Netherlands, and also by the culture and people there in general

[@travelgirll]

How painful is it to go to someone who have his own projection but rarely admit it because he has power over you.

[@masterculturedunkerque7918]

Exactly. A professionnal stopped my therapy for ptsd of one year because I gave her a feedback and she couldnt handle it; so she get rid of me by email

[@CeruleanStarrr]

I am someone who was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago and have spent a lot of time with therapist(s) and psychiatrist(s) since. Your descriptions of these professions is very accurate and I empathize greatly with your process of self discovery and healing trauma. The biggest steps forward for me happened in moments of isolated grief, where the pain was so unbearable, then suddenly it was as if a light went off. I was able to see why I was feeling so much pain. The problem was not solved in that moment, simply identified, at least partly. Thank you for your videos and your courage to upload, your voice carries meaningful words from a caring soul, and they are well received. Thank You.

[@Vanillababe7]

I have BPD too. The grief from the abandonment and neglect is so bad :(

[@dani323]

@@Vanillababe7don’t get stuck on a name of a diagnosis that someone came up with. Remember, keep growing, keep on keeping on.. you are as well and happy and content as you want to be. But it IS hard work; every moment to moment; day to day. And some days, get tired, and don’t feel like doing much! Tell yourself, it’s okay. Because it is okay. ❤

[@juneelle370]

Lots of “experts” have issues (ethical, emotional) but are blinded to their own issues because of a sense of superiority/status that label affords them in a capitalistic/expert/authoritarian style culture and governance. An expensive label not just to those they consider below them but to themselves and their own insight and introspection. It’s rare (and precious) to find experts without ego.

[@alexadellastella5247]

Well said! Thanks

[@masterculturedunkerque7918]

You can have ego but putting it aside in order to work with someone

[@nicktaber2969]

So true that a lot of therapy is like a financially exploitive cult.

[@painisreal1]

Daniel u deserve to become famous , u deserve more attention than jordan peterson .

[@noeuth123]

Thank you for saying this out loud. I have tried therapy before and could not sit with it for this same reason. Then dated a therapist for ten years only to learn they are more messed up than most clients they have. They don't even look at themselves. It is one of the saddest things I have witnessed

[@dani323]

Their job does not make them anything more. They are still -human.

[@EugeniaPortobello]

​@@dani323 the fact that they're human doesn't give them a free pass on the work they need to do on themselves, among all professionals they're the ones who need self awareness, otherwise they most likely would contribute to the pain instead of helping to heal.

[@masterculturedunkerque7918]

​@@dani323 If you choose a career related to care; just pay attention to who you are and what are you doing to vulnerable persons. Everyone can make mistakes but just not recognizing them for ego sake is terrible and can do much more damages

[@solarflaresoftruth]

This one is tricky and very timely. I’m about to end my relationship with my therapist for these very reasons. I even called him out once for the potentiality of cult-like dynamics in a separate weekly group therapy session. I understand how easy it can be to blur these lines, but I’ve come to understand that nothing is more potent than intuition, and mine has consistently told me that there is something off in the dynamics.

[@AnnaPrzebudzona]

Absolutely agree about intuition. I've been in therapy for seven months (3 times a week) which I should have quit after the first session because of various issues I immediately spotted but I went against my intuition and mostly fought with my therapist wasting my energy and money. I thought I was doing the right thing not quitting (because I didn't want to be a quitter and I didn't want to make decisions based on my emotions). Throughout that period I had several dreams in which my therapist was depicted by my subconscious as exploitative but I ignored them because they were just dreams. But finally I made the decision to quit on the spur of the moment and I left in the middle of a session and I've been getting better and better since. It's as if I regained my agency and my sense of self-worth because I finally chose to trust my guts rather than play intellectual games with my very ”skillful” Ericksonian therapist.

[@gingerisevil02]

Same. Sometimes I wonder if we are in a simulation/we all vibrate at similar frequencies lol, because this came at the exact right time for me too... I need to fire my therapist, I need a note from her first though, then will cut ties.It is painful, I spent 2 years with her wanting to start emdr but never getting there because she lacks the humility to acknowledge and apologize when she is projecting or being invalidating.

[@heathergrahame9647]

Yay! Go you!!

[@moonmillghost5435]

@@AnnaPrzebudzonareminds me of when my psychologist kept threatening to end our sessions if i didn’t do ERP i couldn’t do so i finally got sick of it and said, fine, let’s take a break. I was so much better after a month away from her. Too bad i didn’t get it till way later.

[@krystle8534]

Sadly therapists are just flawed human beings, like the rest of us. They may have more knowledge, but that doesn't automatically make them more advanced or emotionally mature, as knowledge is purely intellectual. Brilliant explanation, as usual🌺

[@alexadellastella5247]

That is why therapists should not only have a degree but also do inner work before being able to be recognised as therapist. I do not even understand how therapists feel professional without going to therapy themselves. It shows a lack of maturity from there

[@alexadellastella5247]

@@instagib5085 i agree but normal medical doctors are not punished most of the time. It is difficult to prove that they do not help people with chronic problems for example and do not search for a diagnosis. I have been through medical abuse and lack of professionalism and they are untouchable actually

[@gingerisevil02]

I have actually found that survivors tend to be more knowledgable than therapists....I have had to educate therapists about narcissistic personalities and I have found it exhausting. I have felt it was more therapeutic in feminist spaces to talk about my traumas (which pertain a lot to women's issues in general,) where I was met with therapy and understanding, verses therapists who know how to label and observe and describe my experiences like a grocery check off list "he was asserting dominance over you." Wow, thanks for putting a language to my experience! but then she would (it was a psychologist i was seeing,) would just me for having never been with anyone romantically... like I don't care how knowledgable a person is, if they don't understand or have empathy, then their education is nothing more than a privilege and they have no real skill set. I had to do what therapists do (understand patterns in people's behavior, predict moods, etc,) because my father was a literal sociopath and I needed these skills to survive.

[@gingerisevil02]

The reason this former psychotherapist is more knowledgeable than most therapists is applied experience combined with knowledge. I don't think therapists who have not experienced oppression and abuse know anything really, its like a doctor that acts like their hour lecture compares to you actually having suffered from said condition for 20 years.

[@Earl_E_Burd]

Unmet needs create fussy babies. Everyone's issues are unique and relationships are subjective. There's no way for a therapist to heal every fussy baby. Many people seeking help are still hiding the truths from themselves, graduating through the labels and lashing out. Impossible job.

[@Courgette65]

Most of counselling community is too enamoured with themselves to help their patients/clients. I had a supervisor who had put into her contract that supervisees had to give her feedback after every session. Fine when I was a student counsellor on placement. I saw just it as a self reflective exercise. But it became boring to ‘butter her up’. I realised it was something else. She complained that I wasn’t committed enough to giving her feedback. After that experience I stopped practicing. You have made sense of why I cannot/will not go back into it. TY

[@hcf555]

Absolutely. Ironically there seems to be more messed up therapists than clients! I trained but don't practice now either.

[@dani323]

@@hcf555 I challenge you to find your truth. I do not understand. As clients, we learn, we are responsible for our own selves. How come a therapist cannot place your own self as a client, and follow/do the same? A human is a human. Regardless the job we hold. If we went around making decisions (quitting our jobs) based on others actions, how are we being responsible for our own self? I understand growing out of the job; burning out; wanting to make a change and feeling frustration. I worked 30 years in 1 field. I’m trying to change to a different field now. I’ve learned about myself. I’ve grown. I’ve paid my dues. But I cannot let the system, nor others run me. (Edit) Even if working as a therapist, hire own therapist to work on own issues/challenges. Being a driver, doesn’t mean you are the one driving all the time. Sometimes, someone else drives you places. Be honest with yourself. Find your truth. Wishing you the best going forward.

[@rumdo5617]

I’m sure your clients liked you for more than just being a professional in a suit. You cared and tried to put your own feelings aside to do your best for them.

[@lfrancis8980]

Whenever I learned about transference in class (did not end up as a practitioner) it was spoken of in a romantic context. Interesting to hear about the mother/father projection.

[@syntax_2001]

I was thinking the same thing

[@OhBianka]

8:26 thank you for showing us this moment, Daniel

[@susangee1826]

The fallacy of “transference” is that therapy never us a blank slate, it’s a structurally abusive relationship: the controlling and the controlled, the rule maker and the follower, the oracle and the supplicant, the gush and withdrawal of love bombing.

[@Matthew-e3u7r]

This is a gem! I think therapists do the best they can with the info they're trained with, which is sorely inadequate... so pharma can push their prescriptions? No that can't be. Understanding myself to heal myself was a lot harder than it should have been. A lot of what's posed as psychology is topical sociology, it seems to me. Things like chronic hurt/trauma or neglect are trivialized so cathartic expression can't happen as efficiently. Keep up the good work. Anyways... Thank you

[@moonmillghost5435]

So true. Plus a lot of therapists just don’t have the capacity to be good if they can’t introspect.

[@hcf555]

I trained in Person-Centred Psychotherapy in the UK and we only touched on theories such as transference/ counter-transference because it's not really included as a concept within the modality...so you can guess how interesting that was when transference actually occurred with clients. Us trainees were floored by it and had no idea how to deal with it. Fun times. Don't practice any more!

[@lilyghassemzadeh]

Daniel, the mental energy you put into therapy made you quit it! Therapists who got the money and didn't do their job very well are probably still in practice!

[@tocodreams5910]

Thank you so much for your hard work and for helping others put into words what their gut feeling is telling them ❤

[@Krissstiine]

This is such a good video. Finally somebody is calling the therapists out. I was seeing a therapist who drove me to a psychotic episode. When I had to go to see a doctor and told them what was going on in therapy, the doctor immediately told me not to go back there. I wish I reported them but every time I spoke about what happened to me with another therapist, they were siding with the therapist blaming transference on it. No matter how bad relationship I had with my family of origin, I was never brought down to a psychotic episode!!! And I’ve never had another one ever since… Thanks Daniel for this video.

[@vladimiraofficial]

I think that all people should learn about transference. Life would be so much better... 🙏🏻☀

[@kmcq692]

Spot on. I’m still trying to understand some things my therapist did. If anything was counter transferred it was dismissive and aggravated feelings for me. So, once again, my job to figure it all out.

[@gingerisevil02]

My therapist projected what she believes is happiness and fulfillment Onto me, which is having a husband and children. Would also undermine my trauma and read while I was talking and then gaslight me about it My father sexually abused me and Threatened me against expedience romance and I told her I was sad I didn't experience that. I wish I had experienced it when I was experiencing dissociative amnesia, like the previous abuse never happened, and that i was "saved" in a way... I want to heal from limerence and romantic obsession... only I can save myself.. when I told her about my limerence for someone I had a bit of an enmeshed flirtationship with but was never actually with/briefly dated, she perked up and said it was healthy... She ignored me and perked up and said romance could happen at any age. Like I’m traumatized, I don’t want a bf… I was prevented from having experiences because my father did not want me to experience love and happiness and considered me his object/supply. I sought therapy because this is traumatizing, they all seriously undermine the trauma of being objectified and suggest partnership, as if I am not vulnerable to being abused again due to trauma. I agree, therapy is about healing and knowing yourself and EVERY therapist I’ve worked with has projected that I need a bf or a husband. And I’m coming to them with trauma from male violence. That is really unhealthy to be suggesting When I told her she devalued me as a person, she wasn’t a fan. Word salad, denial, blame shifting… I won’t be working with her again. A lot of them are. She got super defensive, denied the distracted behavior and when i said "I don't believe you" said its because I talk too much, and gave me word salad, denying saying "I don't believe x," after admitting she believed the family system is fullfulling. This is the same system that traumatized me. Saying "I am a person, and I am sitting in front of you. " In regards to her reading and looking on her computer while I am talking, triggered her rage. Like me being a person activated her shame. There was some transference. i felt I needed to make this relationship work, she at one point said she liked me/looked forward to working with me and looked uncomfortable and away as she said it, when I stated that her looking away and reading while I was talking caused me to feel devalued. She IS like my narc mother/ reminds me of her lol; gaslighting, misogynistic and projecting, doesn't like me, finds me annoying, and I find myself self sabotaging and am so anxious to work with her i have to get high before sessions... I personally think a good therapist focuses on the somatic and intellectual aspect equally. Some therapists undermine somatic experiences, that is what every invalidating and judgemental therapist has done to me, seriously not understood how much pain you are in when you are seeking care, they simply lack empathy. I am at a point where I know this is a reflection of her, but I have severe ptsd and do need therapy.... I hate that you can only find therapists who work with your specific issues if you are willing to pay, and that is even a gamble. A lot of therapists have unresolved issues and are enmeshed and unfulfilled outside of others and want validation from their patients. I don't know I just have bad luck but so many therapists are narcissistic.

[@elise9537]

oh you are so coherent ! and brave can we be friends ?:)

[@sofiasonia8095]

Oh my. These are so sad. Only listen to your inner self

[@moonmillghost5435]

Im sorry about your past and that awful therapist taking advantage of you. You know how Daniel Mackler talks about self-therapy? It’s honestly far far better than therapy. You are in complete control, you don’t have to deal with any therapist or their ridiculous behaviour, meaning you are safe. You need safety to heal. You can work on what you want to work on and you can choose how much and when depending on how you feel and you don’t have to explain to some therapist who will try to push you to do things you can’t or don’t want to do. I did mine by watching videos from Daniel Mackler and Patrick Teahan (also a childhood trauma therapist on youtube with amazing content, thought i wouldn’t be comfortable with a male voice but he is so much more comforting than some women even). It’s nice cause you can sit down for like 20 to 30 min, watch a video and think about the topic. Maybe journal. And just keep doing this as often as you can and you’ll start to get a picture or more of your childhood. Remember that triggers mean something, when you react weird or don’t know why you reacted a certain way, stop and think why? What made me act that way? Also, i find tv shows and movies really helpful too cause they will inevitably bring up triggers and then you can stop and think about what that trigger means in that context and get a lot of insight. Search Daniel Mackler and self-therapy and see what videos come up so you can get an idea of what self-therapy is. It’s basically figuring out your traumas and triggers and childhood but by yourself. No transference which is nice. I spent many years in therapy and i honestly think i just got worse. So much worse. Doing self-therapy was a breath of fresh air. Like wow im finally making real progress. Im finally actually moving forward and getting somewhere. Hope this helps.

[@ackamack101]

I experienced that nasty counter-transference thing from my own therapist once upon a time. Once I finally got myself extricated from that situation, I vowed never to do therapy again because that exact thing left me with such a bad feeling. I would not want to go through that again.

[@masterculturedunkerque7918]

Lmfao I started therapy to treat a sexual trauma. It went fine between the clinician psychologist and me. I followed her in a private practice; she dumped me by email bc I gave her a feedback on what I have'nt appreciated. I apologized and supplicated her help but she never replied again. Despised, betrayed, abandoned, rejected, humiliated I felt and I still try to recover from that trauma

[@Morale_Booster]

I've noticed a shadow aspect to why people become therapists is that they love being healthier and more secure than their clients, and love telling people what to do and being right. Which honestly, is probably a normal human thing, but ideally a good therapist would be self aware enough to see that about themselves...

[@moonmillghost5435]

Agreed. And they are so profoundly wrong about everything it just blows my mind but they think they’re right.

[@cynthiapetro8708]

Thank you for exposing the dynamics of transference. It explains why I have never found a helpful therapist. The level of awareness and self reflection necessary on the part of the therapist, to remain objective, is profound. No wonder you burned out. I'm glad you escaped the profession. Yet, still, your basic nature is to help others, hence you make these podcasts which are helping thousands.

[@riyagorji6584]

Daniel, please write a book on your philosophy of therapy. Your thoughts on the process are so refreshing and inspiring. In any case, I'll be watching as many of your videos as I can as I work toward becoming a therapist.

[@alexadellastella5247]

I feel that very few people actually have the capacity to be a therapist! Yet many feel they are doing a good job.... this is disconcerting to me how little aware and professional most therapists are. There is such a lack of depth and inner questionning, it is everwhere!

[@alexadellastella5247]

@@thanksagainforthetea agree, just not seeing the cool part in it... since many honest people and young ones are traumatised and deeply damaged in such a world, which cannot change deeply anyway with a non questioning majority. The world can change costumes and in appearance but never evolve with a majority lacking depth and self introspection, I do not find it cool

[@alexadellastella5247]

@@thanksagainforthetea i'm at peace with myself thanks! I just do not believe this is what life is.... there is much more and it is not here, sharing it with psychopath and unconscious people refusing to self introspect. even though I'm now happy and with a loving partner and free from my past, there is far too much suffering here for others for it to be called life... we are in a jail here actually and I now managed to live well in this jail (even though I still; have some physical consequences from past trauma) but it is still a jail full of narcissits and unconscious people, this is the fact which won't change. So I'm aiming to move away as I die... I'll check the book though, thank you

[@bellakrinkle9381]

Thinking about transference - if someone asked me about the "transference neurosis" off the top of my head I would say that the most important aspect of transference is the way in which a child ATTACHES to the most significant parent - usually the mother, yet if she is emotionally unavailable it could be the father. A good way to access many important issues of childhood is to look into Attachment Therapy on the internet - KZbin has several talented and degreed psychologists. It's a good place to begin exploring one's self. I'm not a degreed therapist - I fixed myself over a period of self isolation lasting several years. Also, it's important to understand that these attachment styles will typically show up in all contacts with friends and strangers. They began and were modeled to us in childhood. This is why resolving or working with attachment issues will be a door opener for many, leading to better relationships or to further self discovery.

[@dani323]

9:12 thank you! Wow! This is why you are a great robust therapist! Agree. The job of a therapist, coach, is facilitating the growth of each individual/client. Again, you are right💯 they did not have the capacity. Thank you so much for being truthful!

[@xKarenWalkerx]

Great work, Dan!! Your contributions and interpretations are greatly appreciated!! TY

[@deanyvoys2181]

Wow Daniel, big increase in subscribers lately, congrats.

[@julieheaps4216]

This is such a good explanation. I trained as an integrative psychotherapist, and I wonder how many psychotherapists are required to undergo psychotherapy while training. I did, 7 years of it. I qualified at the age of 60. It was going to be my second career. However, I didn't go on to practise for the exact same reasons you gave up.

[@Mariyasgarden]

Thank you for talking about this. If a therapis hasn't worked on their own life and went manly to university earned degree, red books etc. without doing the work on themselves are not ready to do work with clients in my opinion. Such a person has probably understanding to some degree but the cognitive empathy is not a deep emotional empathy needed for that work with people. And when one cannot feel what is truly going on within their patient they cannot understand and may dismiss many many important clues in the sessions. And yes money is flying no matter if the therapist is helping! It becomes more harm than help. This job needs clear focus in the self and no matter what triggers may arise the therapist ist responsible for their own life and wounds. As a therapist one should be aware of those aspects within themselves and be strong enough to hold the space for their client otherwise is not on the right place as a therapist (no matter how they look, how many diplomas they have and how fancy is styled their cabinet)

[@ralphrex9118]

Thank you, that was awesome, I’ve generally ended up setting boundaries and telling therapists about their projections and they really don’t like that. The strength to be curious in the face of exposing my denial is a real asset I bring to my coaching and seem absent from most therapists. I’ve just been recommended to check you out and I’m impressed 🙏

[@spetruck1]

While listening to this, that song Holding Out For a Hero by Bonny Tyler started playing in my head... :) ...I appreciate that you open new doors of thought for me about all this.

[@jhavajoe3792]

Your honesty and transparency kills me ( not literally). I think I walked away for days thinking about when you explained how listening to so many downers of the 1st degree, you were vicariously absorbing their sad, traumatizing stories .How could that not happen if you are human? Locked in a movie theater for years seeing only heart wrenching films has got to affect you.The only alternative would be to blunt your emotional/empathic side of listening to survive that career. Still, great therapists are out there ( gotta pick carefully ) and someone needs them.Thanks for all your compassion, a lifeguard has to hang up their fins at some point.

[@DING1o1]

Wow I recently saw this concept on Wikipedia while writing an essay for college, I really couldn’t understand it by just reading it. This is a great explanation!

[@happygucci5094]

This was brilliant Daniel- wow. Thank you for validating my own therapeutic journey ( as well as my inner therapy)

[@WilhelmOsada]

Daniel, I consider you a visionary.

[@darcyroyce]

❤❤❤ Not many words needed, at this point. I harbour a deep sense of respect, trust, and understanding of and for your art to heal, and the process, itself.

[@MaryanaMaskar]

What a great video! Yes, these things need to be talked about more!

[@RISDesign]

Have you considered returning to have your own private practice? It sounds like you have a deep understanding of people and not taking their projections personally which is a huge skill that is overlooked in the counseling field. You can help many if you manage the biz yourself and in your own way to help people have faith in therapy.

[@christinebadostain6887]

"it made me feel icky!" Icky! One of my favorite words.

[@m0thdm]

Daniel , brilliant as always. Thank you

[@AnnaGrace603]

Daniel Mackle should be as famous as Jordan Peterson. And its no surprise he is not. Jordan teaches how to become a funktional member of our (messed up) society and Daniel teaches how to look deeply within. Learning how to become a functioning member of society has its place and it important but we need more than that and thats why Daniel is such a gem

[@tnpm718]

Pretty surely that is never going to happen. Jordan Peterson is an ignorant narcissist who's telling the dumb masses over and over again the same shit they've always believed to be true. He only pretends to be intellectual, in fact most of the time he's just communicating bis own pseudo-scientific prejudices... Most of the people do not so much like using their own brains, that's why he's so successful...

[@Amy.]

Thank you Daniel. I value your thoughtful reflections on this topic. I gained new insight into my past.

[@leeannsummerfield3989]

You are So ethical!

[@DoughDashWord]

WHEW!!!! You said a lot!!! ❤❤

[@swampsprite9]

He packs a lot in a concise way. I watch each of his videos at least a couple times because I know I missed stuff.

[@cafeadicto]

Your videos are gold

[@daviddeveloper44]

Insightful. Thank you Dr Daniel Mackler.

[@bellakrinkle9381]

I never experienced a strong transference with any of the therapists I encountered. Daniel is so correct. Therapists are not trained to interact with their clients in order to utilize that tool! Transference gets further complicated because until we start pulling apart our lives we typically do not understand whether the most difficult parent is MOM or DAD 😬 What if BOTH are unwell. What if the problems originated with your mom - and your therapist is MALE, or vise versa? One must be very much in tune with subtle conflicts that were experienced in childhood. Sounds impossible, doesn't it? 🤣🙃 😭 Theoretical approaches to wellness is wonderful on paper...Oh, how I wish reality was perfect. 💙

[@cledosliop4175]

Your explanation reminds me of some similar experiences before and now, I am capable of making sense of them. Thank you for this sharing.

[@nicktaber2969]

The piece about part of the projection being accurate is so important. Not seeing this for a long time caused so much confusion.

[@havadatequila]

One has to be pretty astute just to seek out a therapist (usually of the psychoanalytic variety) who considers transference in the therapy. One will categorically not find this on Psychology Today's therapist listings, nor are they likely accept insurance. Many psychologists have been operating as "coaches" long before it became a thing on social media.

[@thomassaluto3294]

I really appreciate you Daniel... Thank you for this video....

[@Ceekeyz]

Fantastic video thankyou!! So well said ❤

[@DucoNihilum]

I had this same exact experience in psychoanalytic therapy. My therapist, to me, was acting like my mom because he was similar to my mom. He was very closed off. When I had transference he told me that he felt like he was walking on eggshells. He could not communicate or speak to me on a real level.

[@hs6404]

I wish you still worked as a therapist and could at least be my neighbor! Your honesty is rare in this world.

[@BreezeTalk]

This is really helpful!

[@robertdamphousse1351]

Needed this video another great one Daniel . Ty for your content

[@andrearovenski]

this is a great video, daniel. I hadn't thought about trasference in a while and I agree completely about the role of psychotherapy in society being to make people fit in vs understanding themselves

[@Lexieeeeeeeeeee]

This was really helpful. Thank you

[@haileyspiano4327]

Another outstanding video!

[@willzhang5955]

This one is really thoughtful and insightful.

[@wrongplanet7044]

Transference is a powerful tool but few therapists know how to work with it. I had an extreme transference with my female therapist and ended up limerent. I have been seeing a male therapist for 4 years now to get rid of the trauma when she stopped therapy after I told her about my feelings for her. She could not work with it and I trusted that she could. I thought I was going to die after she "left" me. I still don't know if this therapy will help me. Sometimes I hate it.

[@NiiTaharqa]

I appreciate the information you’re providing us, especially on this topic

[@idan4989]

this world is one big joke. those "expert" who has to take care of people, are themselves screwed up to the bone. big LOL

[@Amber24426]

It’s really interesting to hear your perspective on idealization transference in therapy/what that felt like for you as a therapist. It feels especially poignant to me right now, as someone who is experiencing some intermittent bout of wanting to idealize their own therapist. I can definitely see how wrong it could be for a therapist to lean into that dynamic in certain ways… I do unfortunately think many therapists simply just want to bask in the glow of this idealization if/when it arises, and may subsequently either consciously or subconsciously interact with the idealization in a manner that exacerbates it for their own benefit, at the detriment of their client’s well-being. It’s enraging to think about, and I have a feeling this sort of dynamic plays out quite often in therapy, even within therapy that a client may feel is going exceptionally well.

[@andreyzhuchkov1882]

The most ironic yet deeply insightful description of this dynamic can be found in Eric Berne where he discusses a dynamic he calls “Jee , you’re wonderful mr. Murgatroyd”

[@Roswell33]

I'm a therapist and I've had overwhelming positive feedback from clients. I haven't been able to work for years as I'm disabled and Autistic/ADHD with CPTSD. I had a great therapist for years when I was younger, but since then they have all traumatised me further, MANY MANY therapists. My latest one thinks I am superior and dismissive when i laugh from a place of joy, good humor, or when I smile, as that is how SHE is. I was confused by her accussationary questions as I couldn't follow her train of thought and negative tone in response to my joy. Going to go to an Autism specialist soon as a last ditch effort. but I hope they are familiar with NPD abuse and are client centered!!

[@Roswell33]

Also I would love to have had you as my therapist :)

[@YaSeSomosAtomos]

Amazing insight

[@PetrusMinor39]

Excellent analysis.

[@elenaw7998]

Transference and counter-transference are the most important concepts in psychotherapy, and in relationships! My question to you is: aren’t the therapists supposed to be mentored by their therapists? Is not it the standard procedure? ( therapists talking to their mentors about their counter transference)

[@alexadellastella5247]

In France at least psychiatrists and psychologists do not have to go to therapy themselves, ever! they just need to get a degree and that's it, they are therapists recognised by society. It disgusts me such a lack of self coherence

[@elenaw7998]

@@alexadellastella5247 abhorrent! Totally agree with you!

[@masterculturedunkerque7918]

​@@alexadellastella5247People who are professionnal enough will seek guidance and support. People who are arrogant and self absorbed wont bc they dont believe they also need help

[@sapaducy1]

You were a great therapist.

[@c.brownell8618]

Well said, well put, totally accurate

[@pamwatkins4855]

So nicely exclaimed.

[@vladimations7961]

Thank God Im not the only one. The SAME thing just happened to me with my therapists. I understand you !!

[@BlueGreenTea]

Daniel I’m watching this after having had a very difficult session with my therapist today and I came to your channel because I knew from past experiences of listening to you that you would get it. I am a trainee therapist who has been working with my therapist for nearly five years…she behaved a few times in a way that has felt very unkind and reminiscent of my mother’s behaviour…I have tried to repair the rupture by discussing my transference and what aspects of her behaviour activated my transference and I feel that she really doesn’t appreciate this. I feel disliked for raising it and there is zero accountability for two very unkind remarks she made during moments when I was being vulnerable. I have tried to process and explain that I felt shamed by her words and am finding it difficult to rebuild trust so I can be vulnerable and I feel like I’m hitting a brick wall. Her position is that it was projective identification not counter transference it’s nothing to do with her material and I need to consider how my attitude affects her in session. The situation was around an incident that activated my racial trauma from childhood and she is a white woman. It seems that I am simultaneously being told that I need to be vulnerable but also centre her feelings in session. I’m actually appalled. I feel we have done some powerful work over the years but I also feel manipulated because of her issues or inadequacies or I know not what. Thing is I spent too many years being the version of myself that my mother found the most comfortable to be around and I’m really not interested in replicating this in therapy. Any thoughts you might have or anyone else would be very much appreciated. Feeling very isolated and sad about the whole situation.

[@Greatlakes-z9s]

I think the feeling you get from Erikson and his ideas is that he and his ideas are not really there to help true and honest therapists! It’s like you can see his ideas are only perpetuating a ‘GodLike’ complex. I truly enjoy listening to you, you make me smile! It’s like you are exposing the BS… and I see you like a fly on the wall! I love that you have gathered up this knowledge and are sharing it with us! Thank you for your keen observations!

[@andreyzhuchkov1882]

Could you please elaborate which Erikson is discussed here? Eric Erikson or Milton Erikson? What’s your perspective on Eric Berne?

[@firatcicek9885]

I have a gruesome past and I'm in a very bad mental state (22 years old). It feels like something is getting closer and closer to me. Like as if the lights are going out and all I see is black. I went through so much in life but I couldn't get out of the cycle. There is a beautiful strength in me demanding stability and love. My patience, my intelligence, my charisma. But with every day going forward it feels like I'm in a vicious circle. I dug myself a hole. But I was forced to. It all led to that moment. I hope I can get out one day. I hope that I will have a girlfriend one day. That I can hug and kiss her one day. That we can both enjoy the sunset one day. I'm crying as I'm writing this because I don't want my innocent side to suffer anymore😢. Edit: I feel more healthy lately. A blood test revealed that I'm in a good shape. I feel like the panick inside of me is calming down. And I'm hopeful that I will be able to move out of my parent's house in the future.

[@K1ck1992]

Yes! More normal! That's an Issue in therapy I also faced a lot in the past

[@Lexieeeeeeeeeee]

Could you talk about warning signs of abuse in therapy? I had a harmful therapy experience and didn’t recognize that there were red flags until much later. I gave who I perceived to be the “expert” the benefit of the doubt. Thanks!

[@gingerisevil02]

@@thanksagainforthetea brilliant tip

[@AuroCords]

As a young therapist I used to think the bad type of therapy you describe was not common, but sadly now I see it is very common. I do my best to avoid all type of transference and just have real-person to real-person interactions in therapy and in life, seems like simple common sense, but that is oh so scarce. It is not easy for most people to be aware of their own projections, but there are many ways to make it easier, that as therapists and as people we should practice and encourage (observing dreams, journaling, art, meditation...).

[@marylinn]

With parents….I realized why we forgive ….it is because we can and they cannot. That moment in time when you see they are truly mentally I’ll and cannot change.

[@zakatista5246]

Thank you for this video Daniel. Your comments re analyzing yourself for the accuracy of the negative transference are very interesting. I would be interested in your comments on working with dreams - if you have any you'd like to share.

[@Rose_Ou]

I don't believe in psychotherapy. So many of these specialists have their own issues and most of them are even more dissociated than their own patients. People who seek help in therapy are often much more authentic than the therapists they go to.

[@lilyghassemzadeh]

Transference is the problem that happened in EVERY close relationship that I had in my life! No wonder I've become avoidant! Not all people have the capacity to be able to self-reflect, so helping them with at least adjusting their lives would be desirable.

[@PJCelis]

I agree. Daniel is clearly very intelligent and self-reflective, but it's a mistake to project this onto all people. I think there is real value in Ericksonian approaches to guide (trick?) the person into better behavior, even if it is learned from an external source rather than internal. Of course this assumes a benevolent, well adjusted therapist.

[@Praytell-e3s]

Transference is not necessarily good or bad, it is just information. And yes, a lot of clinicians are uncomfortable with transference and countertransference because it is not talked about enough.

[@anthonyiacobucci3652]

The therapist needs to have gone through their own grief and healing process, no matter what. Otherwise they cannot meet you in the emotional space you need to be. They will defend against anything that triggers their unresolved emotional pain. It will happen unconsciously and unintentionally. Do not see a therapist that has not done deep healing work or you can become in fact worse off. The therapist has to have gone to the deepest parts of their soul and felt their deepest pain or they will unconsciously KEEP you from feeling the pain you need to feel....in order to protect their own defenses.

[@moonmillghost5435]

Well put. Yep, they just add to the trauma and give you more work to do. :(

[@Coke_Addiction]

Sounds like some pastors who practice pop psychology with their churches.

[@MrDontcareify]

My experience with therapists in America has been pretty atrocious.

[@micosstar]

cool! ⭐️

[@gingerisevil02]

You are describing my therapist to a T. And I think what you are describing is narcissism (if you want your patient's to idealize them)

[@appleofhiseye104]

Exactly how I felt.

[@lamaelcharif1523]

Allowing negative transference projected at you, can affect your mental illness. It is a sort of self harm. If it is too much, i think a referal is a good idea. I feel therapists are underpaid and this is a very noble and demanding profession. Bless you Daniel! Good think you retired early. Your youtube videos are helping me clear things out. Better than sessions were people get hurt. Thank you ❤

[@masterculturedunkerque7918]

If its extreme, a referal is a good idea. But talk through it before and not let down the client without anything especially if they are already traumatized. A professionnal is supposed to know how to handle a transferrence and if no, they are just not doing their job right. I had a massive transference with my former and first female therapist alledgly specialized in trauma who ended the sessions suddenly bc for no clear reasons explained except that she does'nt want me anymore. This litteraly retraumatized me and makes me decompensate like psychiatry and so on 🎉 I resent this person til today

[@george0t]

LOL. At 8:25 Daniel becomes a ventriloquist! :)

[@george0t]

Sorry, that part of the video editing cracked me up. I love your authenticity and courage to speak the truth. Keep being awesome and making these exceptionally insightful videos.

[@gingerisevil02]

Like I fucking hate the fact that I really won't be able to afford therapy till out of poverty, I rather pay top dollar after vetting out someone who shares the same basic moral principles and is rooted in reality. I feel more grounded in reality than therapists i have worked with. I end up spending so much of my time explaining to them how narcissistic personality types think. Explain i am not diagnosing but talking about patterns i have observed. It is REALLY hard to find a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse. A good therapist, I think, has goon from surviving to thriving and is here to help you thrive, I have told therapist that's what I want to do; since i was little i was interested in the healing field, then I became traumatized. Now I feel obligated to make sure others are not met with the same experience, and I don't think my therapist liked me telling her I wouldn't be working with her if I wasn't in poverty, and that I would prefer someone more skilled, compared her to other therapists I had seen, many who I did not consider competent,and what I didn't like about most therapists or what I would do differently lol. I am very conscious and self aware, i know when I am projecting and transferring, the problem is I always put in more work than the therapist who has 0 consideration of me, ironically... Good luck finding a good therapist via insurance. It is like a cult. I can't blame therapists for charging a lot however and breaking away from insurance, they have a valuable skill and service, but this system is traumatizing in and of itself, people are struggling to afford basic living (me,) and therapy shouldn't be a luxury for the rich.

[@swampsprite9]

It's harder than ever to find a good therapist lately. I read that it's because so many people are going to therapy now, and just like with dating, the best are taken the most quickly. It sucks but on the plus side a lot more people are recognizing they need to work on themselves and we're all starting to understand mental health problems better. I hope more people start realizing the real need for new, competent therapists and step up to become one. I've had a good one before and good ones can help so much. Sorry to hear your rough experience. I've had a couple of those, too : (.

[@gingerisevil02]

@@swampsprite9 I had a therapist prior to my current one, get snotty and judge me for having never been with anyone... I was re-traumatized by my current therapist for suggesting I need a romantic partner and kids to be happy. It seems like a lot of women project their misogynistic belief that I am not a complete person without a man/can't be happy unless I am "securely attached to a man." I have yet to find a therapist who is actually engaged in having me grieve and process my traumas and become secure within MYSELF. I definitely am going to be much less trusting with the next therapist/I am even more scared to look now; do you know if this transference shit is based on attachment theory? I have not had a single therapist not suggest partnership to me, while completely invalidating the fact that I am traumatized by men in my own family system. I just want to heal. I see shit with "attachment theory" and yea its even harder now because there is not a lot of focus on women's issues; i even saw one on psychology today that said they work with "minor attracted people" like now pedophilia is being labeled as a fetish. How do you heal with so much medical misogyny and denial of reality? (I really would not compare this to dating... because I don't think that is how dating works at all/ew "hurry ladies! snatch him while he's single!" lol no. Most therapists flat out are not good, I don't think its because a lot of people are in therapy, its because most therapists suck. And even getting worse as women's issues are being erased as women's issues.

[@dani323]

2:18 in other words, the therapist job, is bring awareness to the client. AWARENESS* being the key. And staying in the present. This is why not anyone be a therapist. Like not anyone is a heart surgeon. The mind is a body part/ organ, like the heart, spleen, liver.

[@richp3580]

But don't you need transference so there is a referential context for relationships, or models? It seems transference in some form or another is always present under normal conditions, but that it simply doesn't manifest in a negative way much of the time. I have autism spectrum disorder and feel that part of the struggle with having it is lacking a sufficient degree of transference or modal contexts I need in order to manage my relationships. Am I misguided for seeing ASD this way?

[@oozieligus]

An example of the transference phenomenon that Daniel is describing here can be observed in "The Iceman Interview" between Kuklinski and Park Dietz where Kuklinski says "You almost made me mad" after being challenged and Dietz skillfully guides him through his apoplectic rage that turns out to be directed at his father.

[@peachykeen8504]

Transference was dangerous for me. I had suic... ideation and and gestures. So I do zoom support groups now, multiple groups so I don't get hung up on a facilitator.