Fearful Avoidant Attachment: Learn to Trust Yourself Through Individuation & Self-Empowerment

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

What is your experience with Individuation?

[@13se05]

It's a really cool journey to embark on, especially coming from authoritarian/codependent family dynamics. Wasn't only good for me but good for my children as well - kids don't do as you say, they do as you do, so when they see their parent evolving it sets the standard for them to accept themselves as confident individuals as well

[@lisa4cohen]

I have this pattern of putting the people I’m in a relationship on this great big pedestal.. and now I understand why. I do definitely have individuation but the traumas of my childhood .. authoritative parents who were also addicts .. left me needing the validation and showing Devine people pleasing which in turn made me resentful realizing how my needs were never met just my nervous system .. but I’m so happy to say I didn’t use power over my 4 boys.. we never punished them or not gave them a chance to speak up always in a safe place but my whole up bringing was ruled by punishment including being punished for defending myself .. all my Ahh ha moments are so amazing n painful but I am so grateful for you and ur channel ❤

[@alirh1145]

"nobody knows more than you about yourself" I have literally watched every video of this channel and this one was the best it gave me lots of chills

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Wow! Glad you liked this one ❤

[@katieg7679]

I still can't get over how amazing this channel is. There's so much talk out there about trauma and family dynamics and so little about what to actually do about it. These videos make it seem so clear and doable with so much empathy for all parties. It's really a hidden gem.

[@CHK12319]

Struggling to individuate has been one of the biggest challenges in my 20s. My individuation process in my teens was shut down so quick, I subconsciously saw pursuing individuation as some thing I wasn't "allowed" to do. This video helped bring a lot of awareness to that. Thank you!

[@shawndouglas9605]

This is huge!!! By setting boundaries, learning/ choosing for yourself, how you will show up in different situations you will gain self trust. This a inner work projected outside, meaning not letting yourself heavy influenced by external sources IS KEY. YOU have to do the research, YOU have go find out for yourself what is the best course for yourself. Scary because of fear of unknown and accountability but this is how you learn to trust yourself: trial and error to gain experience, confidence, knowledge and wisdom.

[@sylviac8765]

Great topic! Thank you for this. I am currently working on my individuation and self-empowerment. A friend and I had talked a couple years ago about doing road trips and exploration together but she has not been available for various reasons. I kept waiting to do these things, hoping her circumstances would change, but that hasn't happened yet. So, yesterday I went on a 10 hour road trip on my own through part of BC. The scenery was beautiful and I felt so free with not having time constraints (other than my desire to get back home to sleep in my own bed! 😂). I'm also in the midst of further individuation on my spiritual journey. It's like walking the same path, but having new things stand out to me.

[@beyou2133]

I watched this 3 times in a row to fully understood the video. Individuation is something I never knew existed and I am glad to say I have that in most areas of my life, apart from Romance. That is where I'll start!

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

Honesty, trust & integrity are big to me,& I'm guessing I possibly haven't indaviduated. I do believe I have the diet thing down pretty good. Spiritualy I'm pretty good. I do believe I've struggled with making my own decisions. I hope that I'm just now starting to understand the concept of boundaries.I wish I had went down a different road and went to school ,at this stage & age to be just now learning about self identity Being so far behind in all this feels a little overwhelming but I'm thankful .

[@raquelrpj]

Such a beautiful human being you are Thais!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you Raquel!❤

[@jain3484]

I’m thankful to you and this channel. I like a balance between spirituality and energy work and the practical application of self discovery. I’m a very “why?” person, so practical application resonates more to me and makes logical sense. You break things down in a very straightfoward and simplistic matter in a way that translates into intertwined topics. Things feel less intense when they’re explained; you have no idea how this has calmed my nervous system down. Thank you.

[@RachelMintz]

I normally love Thais videos. I have been avoiding learning to trust type instruction because it’s a character defect I have been wanting to hold onto. However, this video completely baffles me. I don’t identify with any of this, I don’t understand it. Yet my trust wounds in my relationship are controlling and ruining my life.

[@cedarskylove4255]

Yes - changing the way we parent from raising children to be obedient to supporting them to be empowered while providing them guidance. Supporting them to express their emotions, their needs, and having healthy boundaries. I’m a parent of a now 16-year-old teenager and I have changed the way I parent as I have understood how to consciously parent as a result of doing my own personal growth work.

[@Regina.Clarke]

This was excellent! I can lose myself in relationships, but this has gotten better over the past few months. I have to remind myself what would I do if I wasn’t concerned with what a person would think when it comes to romance. If they’re not into me as my full self, then they can go. Recovering FA here.

[@philladelphia5081]

Thank you for talking about the dangers of group think! 👏🏻

[@roshalllambert]

Loved the points you shared and I totally agree with your point about obedience!

[@teresavalenza9609]

I just started working with a therapist who is going to show me how to individuate. I’ve never heard of it but think I definitely need it. Thank you for explaining all this. I’m struggling with the fact that I’m not coming to this until a later in life, but I guess everyone has their own path to take.❤

[@Mississippian]

Thank you for taking the time to talk about this. I would add that it is infact a lot of fun trying to rediscover where we stand on each of the areas of life. To be able to make informed choices and feel empowered has done so much in terms of building self esteem and confidence. I notice a general feeling of satisfaction in all areas especially relationships. All because of focusing inward and living consciously.

[@13se05]

Yes! I've also found it really fun getting to know myself and learn to trust myself

[@pistachio85]

Such a worthwhile and comprehensive video on this topic. I really wish this was taught in school, because as you mention, it can be a very painful learning curve navigating life without sufficient individuation. Thanks for laying all this out ❤

[@lunkerjunkie]

this was a rad edit. just discovered today I believe I don't get considered only you get considered. obedience means I'll never do anything on my own.

[@wendydaniel1110]

I knew that I had successfully individuated for certain at 21years old.... Moved away from home 4000 miles away. My mother was extremely angry that I did not listen to her and return home right away. I told her that its my life and she can take whatever time she needs to deal with my move but I am not returning. I was opened to her calls and will wait for her to initiate contact, however, my mind was made up that this is my decision and it needs to be respected. ,I knew I was not a person who would have even my parent control my decision to direct my personal life choices. My mother was Narcissist. She was never able to control me in any capacity which was an uphill battle but, I stood my ground fairly young with her. I was very clear who I am and I was not going to negotiatie my morals, values, principles and integrity for anyone. My life is free from resentments and regrets. My life is my responsibility not anyone else's.

[@irshikha]

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 Wow.... That's such a great move, especially that young. I am learning about it all slowly and still fall back into their trap of acting nice. There's not a single day that goes without having fights over small matters, most of those are repetitive. Huhhh.... I'll have to start it all over being alone and living my life, will have to figure many things out, but instability in these relationships (especially with immediate family) is hurtful. I hope I get to live life with stability in positive experiences and courage.

[@jazmynegrace577]

Great Video

[@TJ-nq5nt]

A person should have trust in them self's but a lot that. A lot look for trust in others. But it starts with you first if you find anybody else you can trust that is a added plus.

[@riceball1232]

needed this today! thank you

[@sparrowwilson4514]

This is why I stopped sharing things about my life with members of my family until several months after I’ve already made the decision. They can’t keep their noses out of it and then I end up second guessing myself and doing something inauthentic because they guilt/fear me into doing what they see as a ‘safer’ option. Not one of the decisions they’ve forced me into has ever worked out or made me happy. Now I have to live with the regret of those decisions even though they weren’t mine. If people in your life can’t mind their business, I suggest you stop including them in anything that doesn’t require their input. They don’t have to live with the consequences of those decisions, so they don’t get to dictate what you do with your life. If it ends up a mess, at least you can know that you were the cause, instead of deeply resenting someone for putting you in that position.

[@malindarayallen]

Such a great video! I think a great webinar/video would be how individuation is a key tool to becoming narcissist proof.

[@vanessachelangat7250]

I hope you can do more videos on individuation😃

[@kathym.248]

Inside out, exactly!!!

[@13se05]

Loved this video 💪🏻 Thais and her golden nuggets. POV: you remember you have free will 😂

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Glad you loved it!

[@Rose-ou5ug]

Oh my god! this is so accurate

[@PaigeYesLee]

Love this. Thank You 😊❤️🙏

[@vtbhoward]

Showing willingness to comply with good and healthy principles is what I believe healthy obedience is about. I teach healthy obedience predominantly. However, I teach that if I am asking for something haemful to be complied with, that it is acceptable to not comply to hurtful orders.

[@RobMacDougall]

i've taken several courses from Thais and i'm super excited to take this one ✌great video 🙏

[@stevensantora2976]

Thank you so much. This one hit.

[@tylerbarry25]

Great video! In the process of rebuilding my one self for the first time. ❤

[@donschlegel1972]

Thank you have you experienced all these things you know what I have learned so much I’ve been doing this a long time and I still struggle I would love to talk to you

[@zebraCAkes201]

When you mentioned disobedience: I just realized how my upbringing was like a cult. We couldn't think differently than mother. We had to watch her beat the other siblings as examples. Then we got groomed for others, threatened not to talk. I want to know that it's okay for me to be angry with her. Like, do I have to forgive her now that she's older and "innocent"?

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Yes! You are SUPPOSED to acknowledge your feelings and experience - that is part of individuation. You can do the healing work to see how her own trauma is passed down and the things you were subjected to were never about you being "not good enough, unlovable etc." - but about her trauma. But that should never go against you honoring your experience, feelings and the boundaries you may need in your life going forward!!

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

Thankfully I started individuating early as for following my own truth and not the conditioning from others. I felt at odds with outside world very early. Was puzzled by adults. Also knowing early that I am queer and wanting to be true to me regardless of what others think I ought to do. Plus I have alot of whorls on my fingertips and that's an individual. Lone tree on the plane. I also rejected what females are supposed to focus on socially being into. In regard to beauty and our bodies and roles as women. I was self reflective early on and observant of others.

[@HH-pj5bl]

This is such a great video! It's unfortunate I can see my sister in this pattern with her partner and I really hope the baby doesn't learn these traits. Thank you Thais for always giving good content and shares, you're the best❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@euler010]

This is a great message, thank you. I wonder if you've ever read The Fountainhead--there's a lot of overlap between that book and your lessons here.

[@you-vi2tm]

I'm FA but I tend to be quite good at this! And I see that this obedience thing happened with corona restrictions and the talk about vaccine mandatory > we should not teach OBEDIENCE > we should let people make their own decissions! I acted beautifully from my healthy individuation on the corona times, but I just got attacks from people. But I still stood my ground.

[@MissSuffle]

Hm.... Can't come from the outside in? But as little babies, that is exactly what happens. We derive the sense of what we are based on the information we get from our parents and caretakers. As pointed out, these are subconscious programs that kick in. Our whole society is enveloped around the image and the idea about ourselves that we present to others. I really appreciate your channel and I've learned a lot tho.

[@felixtownn]

8:01

[@GG17250]

Recovering Catholics chime in here....

[@mindurownbizness3821]

You could have left 75% of the words that you used out of that, and still got the same point across.

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

No one deserves to be put on a pedastal. They can be models for skills and talents we aim and aspire to but that doesn't mean they are superior and can tell us how we ought to be. I thought fearful avoidants tend to have a strong sense of self?

[@StorytellingHeadshots]

I love you Thais and all your content, but I have to disagree strongly with you on the whole “children shouldn’t be obedient” point. When a parent gives loving direction to a child (ie don’t play in traffic.) rebelling against that is not the sign of a healthy independent mind (ie “I WILL play in traffic!)! But a disorder. Rebellion against the caring authority of the parent that has good intentions for their child is not “laudable free-thinking” but instead is patently dangerous. The child is developing their world awareness and is not yet competent to decide what will keep him/her safe and happy. Further, the voice of the caring parent for a child, becomes the internal voice of the mature adult. The parent says; “ You need to go to bed on time so that you’ll do well in school tomorrow” to the child. Now, the child may want the immediate pleasure of staying up late, and only goes to bed out of “obedience”. However, by obeying the child DOES actually have a better outcome (a good rest and a better day in school which leads to a better outcome in life). Later, once the child has grown into an adult that voice of “beneficial authority” has become internal: The mature adult says to themselves, “ Even though I want to stay up late playing video games, I am going to direct myself to go to bed so I will have a good day at work tomorrow” Maturity is sacrificing immediate pleasure for long term gain. Listening to this authority from parent to child helps us to develop our own self-governance in maturity The caring voice of authority from a loving parent to a child becomes the internal voice of self-discipline and self care in the mature adult. It is a misunderstanding to think that this contributes to “group-think”. On the contrary, it actually helps adults to develop the inner strength to do what’s best for themselves. (Believe me. I had parents who whole heartedly subscribed to the whole “we don’t want to tell her what to do” thinking it would be be wrong to trample the “inner wisdom of the child” (thanks 1970’s and Dr Spock) As a child I found it bewildering not to have boundaries or rules ana to just have to “guess” what behavior was acceptable with no guidance. Often, not surprisingly I “guessed” wrong. And while I wasn’t “punished” (my “progressive” hippie parents didn’t believe in that either…) I could sense that something was off. It was really very unnerving as a kid and I often internalized it as “people don’t like me” when really, they just didn’t like the behavior of an undisciplined brat who had no rules at home and then was expected to just “guess” the correct behavior in society. Not being expected to “obey” my parents, was not an asset-it was a huge burden to me as a child. And led to some of the dysfunctional boundary-less enmeshment , people pleasing, covert agreements and similar boundary-less behavior that made me need this channel in the first place! Basically the “no rules; no obedience.” mindset that my parent had placed huge burdens on me that I am still learning to overcome. My point is these burdens were developed from a childhood of having to guess and read people to divine what they wanted from me, instead of having developed an inner code of appropriate behavior that were clear that I could follow (aka “obey”) to get positive results. Today, when I see a mom in a grocery store talking to a kid ans instead of just saying “no” or setting a clear boundary, just says to the 4 year old in her care to “Make good choices.” Instead of just telling him “no”, and correcting his anti-social behavior with the expectation that he will obey, I see that as neglect bordering on child abuse. Her job is to set a helpful boundary and to enforce it, for the sake of that kid’s well-being. Think of it this way: Are traffic laws “group-think” or are they rules that we agree on as a society so that we can have the freedom to drive around in cars and not kill each other? Someone running a red light is not an “original free-thinker” but a hazard to themselves and others.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Hi April! If you go back and listen from the beginning, you'll see that Thais wasn't saying children should be rebellious, but that they should learn to question things. This is a normal stage of behavioral development (individuation) and it has to do with the ability to develop your own sense of self-identity. Thais was saying that **only** obedience is harmful. There is a healthy balance between taking caring connection from parents vs. learning to question things and form our own sense of self. The latter is healthy and completely necessary, but both absolutely have a place and time. These are not mutually exclusive parts of growth. (It isn't one or the other - we need a healthy degree of both)! Any situation where you have all of one or all of the other is where the harm lies.

[@tylerbarry25]

Great video! In the process of rebuilding my one self for the first time. ❤

[@riyajacob2909]

Same here...3 areas pending.taking them one at a time.