[Personal Story] How scared I was of my feelings | HealingFa.com

[@Locut0s]

It’s become very apparent to me as I’ve done a lot of self work over the years that the thing I’m actually most terrified of in a relationship is actually true love and acceptance. This is kind of the whole thing with FAs I think, but to really understand and see it in yourself is different. There is always this terror that you will for sure lose said acceptance and love when they discover the “real” you just how “bad or broken” you “really” are. And that loss isn’t something you feel you can survive, better to push away the acceptance before it has time to really form. Despite it being the thing you also most desperately want. In fact so desperately want that to a degree I build my entire character around the false believe that I have no love and acceptance from others, which isn’t true at all.

[@koala01111986]

This!!! I was thinking about this exact thought today!

[@auraliax1323]

your story is so relatable and i am 21 now and few months ago met someone who's very emotionally available and i was trying so hard to ruin this connection and leave them, for once in my life when i stopped judging my feelings and understood my reactions i healed a lot in a short amount of time compared to me trying to heal it alone as i always did, it's scary but i finally have hope for healing and finding love too♥

[@keejackson2121]

As an FA, it is essential that I guard what I consume(music, TV, people). I also have to keep my space tidy and surround myself with nature and/or plants to keep me grounded/calm. When those strong emotions appear, it is scary, but as long as you welcome, embrace them, and let them go when it's time, you move on from that feeling. EFT has been beneficial and I plan on using it for the rest of my life, until it's no longer needed. But who knows. Thank you Paulien for being an inspiration in my journey😊

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you for sharing your experience!

[@freemind7388]

paulien is one of the most charming, sweetest and caring FA I ever seen on youtube 😱

[@monicamonica5924]

thank you for this video Paulien 💜, I'm dealing with being an fa, just 2 or 3 days ago I noticed it myself, suddenly I felt terrible anger when someone treated me and I wanted to immediately push it away and minimize it and for the first time I realized it and let myself feel it totally... and that emotion just disappeared moments after I let it be!!!! it's liberating

[@triplejmom7826]

I’m afraid of how my hurt emotions cause me to get enraged. I’m getting better, but confrontation is terrifying at times. I’m afraid how I’ll come across

[@jasperjohns5956]

That was my favourite video you have done Paulien; thank you ! I think it is because you were talking about things that were very difficult for you, and you didn't stop talking about them; that is brave. That is very inspiring. Thank you XXX

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you for being here❤

[@K_-ox2pq]

I admire your level of vulnerability so much!

[@bennyton2560]

I'm suddenly thinking that there's actually a good side to the fact that I've been depressed since I was 13, and have been aware of it and taking precautions -- that I just know there's no way to progress by controlling your emotions. Mine was never controllable, but knowing that had set me free from a young age

[@emilypearson2009]

Your videos have helped me so much! Thank you! ❤

[@TonyYuEvangelism]

Here’s a thought. There is no such thing as “The One”. You’re compatible with MILLIONS of people. It’s not a romantic thought, but it’s liberating and empowering.

[@daliacezar]

Thank you so much for sharing , so we can relate and don’t think we are bad it just a distorted image we created in our childhood. ❤

[@LyndaKirk-g6t]

Thanks Paulien - this is such a important realisation for me - and you have explained it so well.

[@taequility3655]

Ohh I love the new thumbnail! I'll watch the video in a sec I just wanted to say that ❤

[@daliacezar]

Is exactly what l thought years ago, so much mental turmoil and l want to be enlighten so then I can have peace and it didn’t work because just like you said is accepting whatever was happening thought or emotions without identified with any of them just observe it is peace. Pauline , you are literally like my clone. Thank you, ❤

[@sarawilliams8805]

Pauline, thank you so, so much!! ❤️

[@MateusLimaFilms]

Your channel is a blessing for me! Before seeing you talking openly about have always feeling during in my life in relationships makes me feel hopeful! I'm still full of regrets and not knowing how to be happy in a relationship, but I will get there!

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am happy that my video's are resonating with you!

[@ThuyNguyen-bv9xp]

this truly resonates with me. Thank you so much

[@jasperjohns5956]

Thanks Paulien, I am glad to hear that the course is also applicable to single people; I will aim to sign up for it when I am able, and continue to learn about the FA condition as much as I can in the meantime, Best Wishes and thanks again for your response, Jasper xx

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

You are very welcome! If you have any further questions, please don't hesitate to ask. Looking forward to you joining❤

[@liamnewsom8583]

Thanks Paulien. ❤

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thank you for being here❤

[@RyanRowntree-tf5st]

These videos are so helpful. Thank you.

[@Nicole-yx8ms]

You are SO amazing. I feel like we're the same person often. Thank you for your vulnerability and authenticity always💜

[@onionjuiceinc.7702]

Girl I had no business relating to this but EVERY WORD was like reading my own feelings bar for bar and I'm waiting for that person who'll help me with that but I feel so stupid and just selfish for wanting someone to do that since I should be able to do it myself.

[@kyrajames6373]

I’m sorry to hear you couldn’t cry for so many years 😢❤

[@jellyrcw12]

Thank you for sharing. This encouraged me to sit with my feelings

[@LaisCordiolli]

I just found out I'm a fearful avoidant and I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man, he's very loving and patient. Everything you describe is exactly how I feel. Thank you so much for sharing your experience, it's helped me a lot to know I'm the only one who feels that way.

[@sunbeam9222]

Parenting is not easy thought. I totally understand and agree with the need to let children explore and express their feelings. Then again sometimes children are so out of control and can go on for so long lol. Unless one is a pro at parenting and has all the time in the world to sit with their children feeling every time that happens it would be a wonderful thing but parenting is just one part of someone's life. Although the most important one, there still are so many other things to show up for. All im trying to say I guess is now that I am a parent, I forgave mine for everything 😅

[@ashwaqahmed9656]

Never been this early 🌸

[@Porxvidaa]

I cry for a week straight :/ I don’t want to feel this anymore

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending you lots of love❤

[@yuiitodoro7791]

Thumbnail is dope

[@spudge2009]

thnxs for you story!

[@freemind7388]

Paulien is gorgeous

[@h60fitness98]

Question... do FAs eventually recognize how much they hurt a good partner when they shut them out? I am an AP who was recently broken up with by an FA. It came as a shock to me because we had such a good thing going between us until the last month or so of the relationship. We started dating in the fall of last year and had some great times together through the holidays. After the turn of the New Year, however, she became very distant and very unavailable... constantly scheduling work during times we would normally schedule together which caused me a lot of anxiety. She had some family struggles in the couple weeks leading up to Valentine's Day and became extremely distant... hyper-critical, fault-finding, accusation. I tried to back off and give some space. She got very sick on Valentine's Day and we had to cancel our plans but after that she shut down on me completely... said I didn't fight for her and questioned whether I even liked her. She said she had too much going on in her life to continue dating me but wanted to keep talking. We did for a couple weeks but it was very dry and then she vanished for a week without a trace. Eventually she texted me but it was very basic and insubstantial. I haven't seen or talked to her since. I see her mother occasionally and she is friendly but we never discuss my ex. It was all very painful for me because I cared a lot for her and wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt her but it was a huge drop off a cliff to be reduced to a texting buddy after the relationship we had. Just would be good for my peace of mind to know she won't always hate me even if we don't end up back together.

[@sunbeam9222]

Everyone is having their own struggles. You are the one to handle your anxieties the relationship you took part in brought as she is the one having to handle her own feelings. If she carries hate, imo it's not for you to worry about that. That's hers to sort out. Better to focus on your healing. And trust that she will do just that also.

[@laskaaksala1712]

​@@sunbeam9222 though I find your answer in many ways understandable and partly agree i also find it to be short cutting and Kind of meanly said. Yes, we are responsible for Our own healing, yet that doesnt absolve Someone from the responsibility of Not hurting another Person. I think to recognize harm done is even Part of Healing as it allows to Take responsibility in changing, which is very different then from Just shaming yourself for it, which has ironically Something egotistical. If the Person (as some fa will do) signifies and Sometimes even says they Love you, they want to try etc, for your relationship to Work, one has to be trusting in those words to be honest and actual vunerable so the relationship has an actual shot. Though, one can say 'yes it was your decision to Trust, your Bad', its seems deflective and decontextualised. What OP seems (to me) to also ask is: did this Person actually Love me If they were willing to hurt/abandon me, Said one Thing and did another, was my Love good enough, could my Love reach them, did they feel it, do they See how they Hurt me as i did Love them, did it make a difference.' Since we repeat the wounds done to us by our parents and Others, to dismiss harm done (even Out of Shame) is to deflect/recreate wounds that an FA themselves suffers from. to Tell their partners now, its their mistake for trusting them, and trying to keep Connection, grieving that it Didnt Happen, and wondering what they meant to them, is Just unemphatic and short cut in my view. To OP I say: yes, as Said by this Person before in some way maybe, we can Not force people to Change, Not via Love and Not via guilt, Something in them must be in it. But i do understand that your efforts left you wondering/hurting. Unfortunately (Hurt) Humans do weird Things and sometimes confuse harm with Love. I Hope you find/will also be Healing to be receptive of Love, that is responsive, reassuring, stable and Kind ❣️

[@tulip5210]

oof my experience is almost identical. I've recovered a lot, I've forced myself to learn how to cry and to be more emotional and allow myself to feel my feelings. Except, for me I didn't allow myself to feel anger either bc I saw what it did, so instead it resulted in semi mutism.

[@Lidiaaa10]

Is it possible at what age you started healing, at wgat age you healed and how old are you right now that you can articulate everything about your past?

[@kangarko]

Can a healthy, calm and safe dialog with an ex be healing? I see myself so much in you and your husband, unfortunately after I broke up with her the following months I was quite unhealthy before I discovered the works about attachment styles and she is opposed to any sort of contact now. But it still hurts me a lot and I feel remorse. I believed we had lots to share and struggling with letting it all go now. Would wish at least a dialog like I had with my partner before, and after her. (It's been almost a year) Love your channel by the way!

[@CP-so6sc]

Yes but not if they are not open to it!

[@HYBRIDLqTHEORY]

Thank you I got the same shit going on

[@RealtorDaveVanNus]

Can I talk with your husband. I feel like I could use his advice how to love my fearful avoidant as she heals. Would love his perspective. Thank you for your videos and being vulnerable telling your story.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Thanks, I have made a video about How to be a supportive partner for a fearful avoidant. Hope that it can give you some insight! kzbin.info/www/bejne/apmWlJWvZriahaM

[@RealtorDaveVanNus]

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 Thank you, I will watch this. I am working on my AP and trying love her through her journey and be consistent while she goes through her push pull hot cold and I she says she appreciates the videos I've been sending her including your videos. It's hard to know if she is sincere in her appreciation and or if I am pushing her away and she is just people pleasing me. Love is Patient so I focus on that and appreciate you Paulien either way.

[@evadebruijn]

What would you say is absolute number 1 on top of anything else when it comes to turning around the trauma response of self abandonment? Watched loads of video's on the topic, every single symptom I recognize my own behavior, but I am so clueless where to start, it is overwhelming. ✌️

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Definitely the Emotional Freedom Technique! Because it truly releases the trauma response from your body. In Healed & Happy, we go through this step by step! www.healingthefearfulavoidant.com/healedandhappy

[@srraaabdelrasoul5996]

Hi Pauline, may I ask how soon after you got into the relationship did you start healing ?

[@Tobi-pb2fk]

the subject i am interested to know : - about sex : heard that having casual sex with someone i am interested but not commited to can only hurt, and bring back abandon wounds for people having cptsd so it's not recommended ? - how to repair trust or what to say to someone if i come back after cutting situationship/ relationship because of fears ?

[@evadebruijn]

🙏❣️ ✌️