Fearful Avoidants Fall in Love in Your Absence

Heal Your Attachment Style & Dramatically Improve Your Relationships: Unlock Your FREE All-Access Pass to PDS Courses Today!
university.personaldevelopmen...
👇 Click here to enroll in our "Healthy Balance in Relationships: Ending Codependency & Enmeshment" course, and transform your life by ending codependency, mastering assertiveness, and fostering meaningful, balanced connections with your loved ones! 👇
university.personaldevelopmen...
In this video, Thais Gibson unveils the reasons behind why the fearful avoidant attachment style falls in love in your absence. Gain a deeper understanding of chronic ambivalence, fear of intimacy and interdependency as Thais provides on-point guidance and tips. For a much deeper dive into topics such as interdependency and enmeshment, explore the empowering course, "Healthy Balance in Relationships: Ending Codependency & Enmeshment," for powerful tools you can begin using immediately.
---
00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:52 - Dynamic of Chronic Ambivalence
00:02:34 - Interdependency
00:05:36 - Fear of Intimacy
00:07:45 - Summary
00:07:54 - 7-Day Free Trial: Codependency Course
00:08:45 - Conclusion
---
Discover What Your Attachment Style is and How It Could Be Holding Your Relationships Back … Take Quiz Here 👉bit.ly/attachment-quiz-youtube
Follow Us for Daily Relationship Insights and Breakthroughs on Our Social Channels!
Instagram - / thepersonaldevelopment...
Facebook - / thepersonaldevelopment...
TikTok - / thaisgibson
LinkedIn - / thepersonaldevelopment...
Podcast - pod.link/1478580185
---
Subscribe to Our KZbin Channel for Your Daily Dose of Personal Growth and Relationship Transformations!
www.youtube.com/@ThePersonalD...
Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
I created the Personal Development School, an online learning platform that gives users the ability to create true and long-lasting change in their lives through personal development courses that are designed to give you a breakthrough in every area of your life, with a 99.7% satisfaction rate.
Our KZbin videos give you a glimpse into this in-depth course content. Much of what you'll learn here is based on your attachment style and how that affects the relationships you have with your family, friendships, and of course, your romantic relationships.
So what are you waiting for? This could be the start of your personal development journey. Subscribe to our channel and start watching!
#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #FearfulAvoidant #FearfulAvoidantAttachment #FearfulAvoidantCourse

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

FAs! or partners of FAs, what do you think of this idea of falling in love in someone's absence? Please comment below!

[@Feliciations]

Ugh, my ex. 100%.

[@thechip2727]

100 me

[@lisa4cohen]

If you love urself you make room for love from others .. recovering FA here and I’m working so so hard .. thank you for making it so easy to understand.. ❤

[@irineumaiden]

Yeah, this is very accurate. As a fearful attacher, I've had male acquaintances/friends I was having a great time with decrease contact because they felt (later I'd learn) I was becoming infatuated with them and didn't feel the same way towards me, so they thought it'd be less hurtful for me if they just decreased the frequency of contact. Thing is, I wasn't infatuated with them UNTIL they started to grow distant. And then it becomes this toxic situation where I both want to reconcile with them and punish them for the rejection, I become obsessive, they become unhappy with how I went from a fun, bubbly person to a depressive and passive-agressive one, and we both become more frustrated with each other until it's impossible to keep in touch anymore. On the other hand, I get this feeling of disgust and huge fear of being trapped (it's a physical sensation, as if I'm a cornered animal) if a guy is actually interested in hanging out with me, even if he is attractive in every other way. Ah, and there's also this - I only actually enjoyed hanging out with the guys who rejected me because they were aloof at first (to my brain, they feel safe because they don't seem to want to trap me, they don't want to take anything from me, they give me space to be me, I don't feel like I have to run away or defend myself from them at any given moment) If only the guys who weren't into me acted clingy instead, things would've been so much easier for everyone 😅

[@Anwelei]

Omg i swear I wrote this and I had to check I didn’t! Yikes that is me to a T!

[@brybaby89]

I am with you 100%. It feels like this maladaptive seesaw. Or, an awkward game of chasing each other back and forth over a fence.

[@hevabmore]

I feel like you are living my life.

[@TamagoEgg]

The growing distant part with another male you mentioned, so far for me it only happened with another fearful or dismissive avoidant guy. Anxious and secure guys never ever made me feel this way, they get closer when I do, making our relationship an expressive and vulnerable one. Which then allowed me to focus on other parts of my life cause I felt fulfilled and safe in that relationship. Which I think these people are the one you mentioned as weren't into you but 'acted clingy' which is actually being reassuring.

[@meggosling8451]

You've totally hit the nail on the head with this one, this as been my entire life.

[@user-lx4uk5un7s]

I enjoyed this video! As a securely attached person, it's challenging to navigate with FA folks.

[@jasonfanclub4267]

I'm sorry for that

[@Werksonek]

Some of us try really hard. One FA who was abusive and unstable which led me to not going any further into the relationship, actually went to therapy later. I sent him one of the Thais' videos. I started mine years ago when one of my relationships was collapsing. I stayed in therapy to this day, despite that another relationship thankfully not working out.

[@brybaby89]

Remember to express your boundaries (in a respectful way)! Because especially with a FA, we need that transparency!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for sharing that :)

[@myrtofeli7340]

People who really love each other and are willingly in a deep loving commitment together, they don't feel suffocated in the relationship. They want to give and share their time, their friends and relatives with their loved one who is family to them. All the rest of the analysis comes from the avoidant mindset. Avoidants must do the work to feel free depending on and be vulnerable in the loving commitment . There is no term codependency . There is only love.

[@sidneyboo9704]

Huge shout out for the pain my FA caused me. He opened my eyes to my own trauma and problems. I was mostly healed but he opened my core wounds. Although we are still friendly towards each other, I thank him so I can heal myself and simply.. just not give a shit. Been a fan of this channel for a while, at the beginning I was focusing on what he was thinking and understanding him. Eventually, I started thinking of myself instead. Thanks for that.

[@mina8XO]

❤❤❤ same started learning about my ex and now wanting to heal myself :)

[@sexydrk]

I'm in a relationship with an FA leaning dismissive.. it is very frustrating to have to almost bail for her to come around and show up.. but, once I nurture the connection she pulls away... this cycle has became very draining.. 🤦🏿‍♂️😫.. but, I'm learning more from PDS because I'm an AP... 😲😧😬..

[@user-js6ot6vq9b]

I'm 67% Secure, 28% Anxious, and the rest was a bit of both DA/FA. When I dated my FA ex for 3.5 years, I leaned too anxious without even realizing it. I wanted to understand and work with him so much, but the flirting with others every time he deactivates has become too much. Going out and back of the apartment, I couldn't even ask where he went or if he slept with others because he was going to withdraw more. We had so many plans, bought properties, and already had a plan for a house. I understood that marriage was too much so I was okay without it. One day he just said, he "fell out of love" and "I deserve better". The more I chase, the more he pulls away. Eventually, I stopped. 29 days post break-up. He's chasing me again. I can't/won't do it with him anymore. I'm just human, it's time to love myself again. I assured him I was his friend and would love him from afar.

[@Gomba13]

That sounds really more like a DA, though. Also, I firmly believe that, with a partner who is either FA or DA, everyone will develop at least an anxious streak, even if that person was initially 100% secure.

[@STAY5161]

I wish you all the best! Your feelings matter. Keep respecting yourself.

[@rogerpaips9701]

Do you think all FA's does this? I mean flirts with other people, wants attention from others when they are deactivating?

[@haikuoflife]

Yes, I used to be this way as an FA, unless I noticed it was manipulative. If they were too clingy, I would instantly run away, especially if there was talk about marriage and kids early on.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for sharing

[@teamneverlost]

So how many kids can you see us having?

[@angelikimarou8083]

Flee, they follow...follow, they flee. Such a pity😢

[@Nazgull92]

Sadly is a weird balance that you have to deal with if you love em

[@eoKingNoodle]

I'm FA/DA but the people who have hurt me the most in life have mostly all been other FA, just seemingly more severe FA than me. I do not understand what in childhood etc made us different? I have cut people from my life, but never shut the door so hard like my former friends and family did, I mean even if I meant to cut someone from my life forever I would, if asked, go through a shorter process with them where they'd be able to ask whatever they need to ask to understand my decision. I do not understand how the FAs in my life have often been so much more ice cold than I would ever be, and I am quite extreme avoidant myself. I don't understand the ghosting or stonewalling or blocking people without giving a reason first, and I don't understand the giving absolutely no second chance once they leave. So I'm an FA/DA who constantly do not understand other FAs..

[@user-js4mt1nr2y]

I doorslamed only when others neglected me or when I felt mistreated and even when loving Da's I told them for the first time in text that I loved them but they just played with my heart and that I could never speak to them again. The doorslam is a protective boundry it's believing they are evil and I have to protect myself. As in a precious video was told the Da thoughts of a Fa are more exteme. Learning to be more secure is recognising I am trying to defend myself by making things way bigger and minimising my own feelings for them untill deactivating and just feeling pure relieve and euphoric freedom. Da's are less aware of their choice to not feel as much anymore or to not like them anymore they just minimise their inportance and put their attention to their goals like sports, hobbies and work. Da's feel peacefull I think where Fa's feel threatened. I feel so attracted to the peacefull nonchalance of Da's as an overthinker but it can also trigger my anxious side where I would beg to be treated right and for them to express their feelings for me and the digging and subtext reading I do is exhausting.. The weird thing is.. I believe I do see it right.. They just don't admit it and suppress it. But yea if I feel people don't deserve an explanation as I have communicated enough about my feelings and it didn't work I would doorslam without a message. But most of the time it is actually a strong protective meganism ignited by anxiousness and I would have been overwhelmingly upfront about my feelings in my anxious side before I slam the door.

[@eoKingNoodle]

@@user-js4mt1nr2y If you have tried communicating in different ways and not been heard and you feel unsafe then it makes way more sense to door slam

[@haikuoflife]

"I do not understand what in childhood etc made us different?" FA here, raised by a histrionic/narcissistic mother who was emotionally and physically abusive.

[@eoKingNoodle]

@@haikuoflife Yeah that I can't even begin to imagine what was like, that must've been a nightmare, it's hard to find words :(

[@Gomba13]

You really sound like you have a hard time distinguishing FA and DA. Maybe you are mistaking some of the FA people in your story for DA and vice versa. You seem to categorize attachment styles based on whether people cut others off entirely with no way back in or just temporarily or not entirely. I can assure you that FA folk, too, will cut off people forever, and that some DA folk will also keep coming back after you cut them off, and even after THEY cut YOU off. It’s not black and white, either or. Ice cold is really more DA territory. And when you say you are "quite extreme" avoidant, that sounds like a DA person. FA folk flip-flop, they have an anxious component DA folk fully lack.

[@benmackenzie]

You're so good! Thank you for doing this!

[@speedpig513]

This makes so much sense!

[@roshalllambert]

Loved this video and the point about interdependence!!

[@user-oh4zi3rr2i]

I hope you are well! Your information brings light into my life. Thank you!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're welcome!

[@oliviae2176]

I am learning so much about myself. Your videos has given me a new perspective as well as a reminder to give myself some grace. Thank you so much

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

so happy to hear that! You're very welcome

[@Jamy528]

Thank you. 🙏💜

[@ichigossbm4636]

You really have given me so many road maps to navigate relationships with

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

happy to hear it! Good luck in your relationships

[@JamesTrouten-gf1zm]

Right on I get it took me some time yet I have to move on take care of yourself.

[@kelseycoca]

I'm a FA, leaning DA but I often say that the best thing my partner can do for our relationship is leave me alone for awhile

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for sharing your perspective ❤

[@gatorssbm]

I dont think theres a proper size one fits all for codependency vs interdependency Im guessing? One of my early struggles was I felt my partner got too clingy and when I did get busy theyd tended to pull away as if we didnt spend enough time (which is usually 3 [sometimes 7] hours a day). And even with that havent gotten burned out in 6 months. Im just not sure if I should continue following their pace especially considering theyve made progress in opening up a lot.

[@elisedanh9570]

I'm very new to dating someone that has FA attachment style we matched on a dating app end of August 2023 and met in person a week later and i have already experienced his shut down mode where we had no contact for 4 days... we are very compatible and communicative and very attracted to each other i am more so SA attachement but used to be Avoidant myself but have spent 7 years working on myself ...i guess i just want to learn more about how to navigate a brand new relationship with a FA because its not something i have had past experiences with and i want to be a safe space for the FA while not compromising myself

[@lilliankillian7366]

Hi great video. Ty. My boyfreind broke it up after 3and half years. We are in our sixties. He is an avodent. I miss him a lot he wanted to keep in touch on the phone .do u think its ok for me to do that ? Or will that be worse he need a lot if space cant handle to much at one time pl help ty

[@Blynn_]

The idea of taking space for myself, especially an entire weekend, makes me terrified. How can I get better with this? How can I get better if my partner travels for 2 weeks, and not have to sabotage their trip? How can I feel safe when they go out drinking without me?

[@rnbsteenstar]

Although I'm also ap, I also have had some traits of fa.

[@gaymagician]

I love your videos and I rewatch this particular now ten times over and honestly, I still do not understand why a FA falls in love in absence. Would appreciate a brief 3-5 sentence conclusion on why that is

[@Gomba13]

Thais says it: attachment makes a FA person deactivate (reject attachment), because FA people fear attachment until they are securely attached. Having space to themselves helps manage their anxiety, it helps them to be less emotional because there is no pressure on them to be enough and no fear of being trapped. So in that space, they can better see things for what they are and people for who they are instead of getting carried away by emotion. Togetherness before being safely attached is overstimulation to an FA person, like sweets for a kid, and giving them space is like a pacifier. In that space, they have the opportunity to miss their partner and to recognize what they are really missing. If their partner is good with meeting their needs, they will end up valuing the partner.

[@BeYouTFully]

Because it allows us to come to you in a pace that does not overwhelm & this scare us away. Picture the pain of a belly flop vs slowly wading into the deep waters (of love). We need the love but if it’s too much too fast we’re outta here!

[@katiebriner1182]

What emotions do avoidants feel that makes them uncomfortable?

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

many... emotions don't feel safe and do not know how to soothe someone who is highly emotional (because they didn't get that soothing or attunement).

[@jenaskye1567]

What if your FA husband is in affair? Can you get him to fall back in love with you?

[@marknightingale5674]

Im a FA and it's horrible. I really wish I wasn't like this. I want to be in love and to find my forever girl, but it's such a struggle, it takes over your mind and body and I feel like I lose my personality and humour

[@GGGG_3333]

Does anyone know if there is a link between the personality type (Mayer Briggs) and the person's attachment style? I am an INFP/INTP and a FA, is this a coincidence or is there an association between the two?

[@Anwelei]

I score as an FA and I’ve scored as an Infp and also an Intp throughout the last 25 years. I bet you there is a link. MyersBriggs is a way to describe/categorize personalities while Thais version of attachment theory not only describes/categorizes personalities but also how these personalities came to be

[@biancamichelle11]

I am FA and INFP There could be a link but I don’t think it has officially been explored for there to be any data on it.

[@hevabmore]

I am an INFJ and FA/DA.

[@MariSunshine_Tarot]

I am aa and an infj

[@GGGG_3333]

What's the deal with us INFXs😅. It seems like we can't catch a break 😂.

[@dannycolwell8028]

I’m tempted to break no contact just to send this to my ex 😂

[@DFG1111]

Lol Ditto

[@PSLegend999]

Bad idea lol

[@rnbsteenstar]

It's up to you.

[@henryzhao4622]

Does the absence of fear reveal their true feelings of love?

[@dantepatel]

From my experience as one, love was the ONLY thing I was afraid of, lol.

[@henryzhao4622]

@@dantepatel wow!! So the more you loved someone the more you feared them and have to withdraw I’m guessing??

[@dantepatel]

@@henryzhao4622 YES!! Exactly. I ran away from the love of my life, did everything I could to avoid her. Regret it years later. The way I saw it, heartbreak was inevitable and I wasn't gonna let myself get hurt- because it would hurt SO bad. I'd also convince myself that I wasn't good enough for her or that she wasn't good enough for me.

[@henryzhao4622]

@@dantepatel oh wow… I think someone has done the same to me. Any advice for the person you pushed away? Should they have waited a few months/years? Used a mutual friend to try to get you guys to at least stay in touch?

[@henryzhao4622]

@@dantepatel thanks for sharing

[@elenalimberg7364]

He told me he has to learn to love himself first before he can love anyone selflessly again(he is divorced). But now he is spending time with another woman. Watches my stories. What should I do in this case?

[@loricagardener4826]

He has chosen the other woman. His actions have spoken. Sorry.

[@julesD0222]

No, that’s not necessarily the case. There’s a video of Briana McWilliam’s called, “Is he avoidant, or just not that into me”, in it, she explains that Avoidants sometimes date people they’re not that into, because it allows them to maintain emotional self-control.

[@walkertranger5746]

Walk away

[@Flufero23]

Sorry this happened to you. Something similar happened to me. He monkey branched me and offered me friendship. I walked away forever. The answer: leave him.

[@Lidiaaa10]

Sorry but I am new here and I don't really understand if when you say they feel fear if there is so much closeness you really mean fear or anxiety. I don't really understand or imagine a person feeling "fear" like if they had a lion in front of them. 🤔

[@purplewitchtarotanddivinat5680]

Fear

[@sasb3675]

It can quite literally feel the same way in our body as being confronted with that lion you mentioned, it’s a very visceral feeling

[@Anwelei]

It’s fear as if my life is in danger. Love was very confusing as a child- sometimes my parents were sweet but mostly my home was full of fighting, enmeshment, addiction, gaslighting, and very little money (my poor parents had some tough lives, and believe it not did better than their parents but my god it was still rough). I also had a lot of experiences with friends abandoning me and/or humiliating me as a child, and school was also unsafe and humiliating so human relationships became TERRIFYING and humiliating because I learned I didn’t matter, I wasn’t loveable, etc (I have nearly all the core wounds haha) Anyway, so as an adult when I finally couldn’t take being single anymore, and I got with a guy, love from him FELT ALL OF THAT - I’m unloveable, I’m to be used, I don’t matter, I’m smothered, I’m unsafe, I’m trapped, etc. So for me, love has been a terrifying necessity for decades/ hence the FA push pull. Thankful I refused to give up and found resources to heal those parts of me.

[@Lidiaaa10]

@@Anwelei If it terrifies you to death, why have you been accepting boyfriends knowing that clearly at certain point were going to terrify you? I wouldn't seek for something that hurts. I understand your life has been hard, but you are doing it worse with your attitude. It's difficult to believe somebody forces herself to live in hell forever because she lived that as a kid.

[@purplewitchtarotanddivinat5680]

@@Lidiaaa10 Do you even know what attachment theory is? What led you to this video exactly? Fearful Avoidants seek out love because we’re wired for attachment and desire relationships. The intense fear doesn’t usually come out until the relationship is already established. Human beings desire connection; it’s intrinsic to our survival to seek out and form bonds with other people. This desire doesn’t vanish just because someone has experienced trauma early in life. It’s not an “attitude” problem. You sound really unempathetic and misinformed.

[@JupiterWaltz]

Recently i bumped into my ex FA after 3 months from her Blindside. I waved to her and said "Hi" smiling when i walked passing her by, she was with her female friends. She only hold eye contact for a split second with me. She said "Hi" back and bowed her head down with a beautiful smile and kept waving saying "Hi". I recognized that smile. It's her "secret smile". A smile i saw many times. Should i text her something like: "Hey, it was good to see you in person after all this time" ?

[@manupasta]

Don’t do it, let her reach out.

[@bbygrlclr]

no don't do it

[@daniellediaz2516]

I think you should do it!

[@rameneater1437]

Reach out

[@story7088]

Yes, if you want to enter back into the dynamic. Think critically about whether it was healthy for you though first.

[@mapenzivalerie6063]

Is this why DAs are like kryptonite?

[@file13whereareyou]

Hi, Can you speak more slowly in your videos? I'm a native speaker but between these concepts and these definitions, I usually have adifficulty folliwing you because you speak so fast. If you want to be a little more explanatiry, it may help in getting your idea across. Not trying to be difficult but sometimes you cover a lot if ground in 2-3 sentences and the topic is a bit out there for many of us. Thank you.

[@adamwood87]

there is an option to slow the playback within Settings.