Why the Dismissive Avoidant Won’t Chase You!

[@thankyou5093]

1. Terrified Of Vulnerability. 2. They're Constantly in Their 'Feelings Minus Their Fears". 3. Easy To Be alone. 4. Lacks A Healthy Model Of Relationships. 5. Defectiveness Core Wound ( Childhood Neglect aka something's wrong w/Me).

[@pedroviana8677]

best way to deal with an avoidant is breaking up with them and making space for someone healthy enough to give you the love, loyalty, respect and stability you deserve

[@kiacordwell811]

I agree with your statement however what do you do when the DA is a spouse and you both decided divorce is off the table?

[@juliatrebe4293]

Then I guess you have to accept the fact you'll be lonley although you're married

[@tberg1667]

Have you any idea about the suffering of an avoidant? Someone neglected, abused mentally, physically, sexually and emotionally by the father yet tried so hard to get out there and date. We don't want to be, but we suffer!!!

[@kiacordwell811]

@@juliatrebe4293 acceptance, yes; lonely, no…loneliness is a mindset and I’ve always been able to maintain my own happiness and wholesomeness. But my question was more so towards the initial statement that people need to break up with a DA. My question was what are the other alternatives and I don’t believe “loneliness” is the only other alternative

[@thisdivinefeminine632]

@@tberg1667yeah. We do. AP's have the same abandonment wounds. We just don't choose to hurt other people because of them.

[@inanitas]

I'm honestly sick of doing all the relationship work. The only reason I still watch these videos is to see how I can determine early on who is a dismissive avoidant so that I can avoid them. They should seek therapy, not relationships.

[@AmericanDreamer]

💯💯💯

[@woodyboy123]

Yep!

[@sayanmazumder1914]

Well said 🎉

[@ashton1952]

It's good to ask "why do I keep attracting these types of people?" So therapy is needed by both parties who are feeding the same cycle.

[@sethtenrec]

@@ashton1952 I like the mild and tactful way you tell these idiots above that they need to work on their own issues!

[@Brandon-yr3nj]

I don’t like to pursue people who are unclear about their interest in me, and that’s always what chasing feels like. I have a hard enough time figuring out what *i* want.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for sharing :)

[@coppersense999]

Do you think you might be pre-emptively avoiding intimacy and the possibility of rejection? Understandable. But I think if someone wants something they find a way. Oh because I was curious what it would look like for someone to have clear interest? Anyway, tbh it doesn't matter imo. Success is a result of YOUR motivation, not hers.

[@ambernm]

Jh

[@DeeDeex007o]

Right! Why would I want you if you don't want me?!

[@IanuaDiaboli]

My boyfriend has lots of avoidant tendencies, but I must admit he puts lots of effort in showing up for me in his own ways. He is also going through a rough patch in his personal life, but I see how he wants to maintain the relationship. I am also proud of myself and him because on Saturday I opened up and was vulnerable, and he welcomed my feelings.

[@northshorelight35]

I'm a secured attachment with a DA. Even though I love him more than any other person that I've been with, I recently made the decision that I don't want to be in a relationship with him. I just started a new job and am trying to start fresh. I've already started detaching. I prefer another secured attachment like myself.

[@ashton1952]

Sounds like you have the insecure attachment style, just sayin

[@fatimasalie3911]

I just feel im alone in this connection ..no communication 😢

[@dalebrissett1045]

I'm struggling with your response.....if you love him more than anyone you have been with.....because he is DA.....you are detaching...? ??Have u discussed that with him?....are you taking his feeling in account......😢😢😢😢😢😢

[@northshorelight35]

Loving him doesn’t mean we should be together in a relationship. In fact, it’s over for me. Two weeks ago during a conversation, he was sharing with me about the ordeal he’s been facing. He said that he didn’t have time to for a girlfriend so hasn’t been pursuing a relationship. I was confused because hadn’t we been in a relationship for the past two years? Why else was he trying to make a baby and felt so disappointed when it didn’t happen? I love him but don’t have to be with him.

[@archermaniaford7157]

​@northshorelight35 I went through a similar, albeit more tame, situation. We weren't really dating (parents said no), but I told her I liked her and she said it back. Should be good, right? No miscommunications? Nope, I was wrong. She said she lied just to make me feel better and said that she saw us as just friends. 3 months of "I've never met anyone like you before"...for that 🤦🏽‍♂️

[@manishadey5657]

I don't get it why then they chase you first like they want to be with you.They talk way too maturely and as soon as they get you after 1 month they started to pull away. And now avoiding communication. I mean why you have to come in the first place if you're not able to work in a relationship. Just giving child type excuses like "I'm busy" "My life is so hard right now" "I am Sorry" "I don't know what matters in my life right now" as I simply asked one question "Is your career more important than your relationship? Or Am I not the priority in your life? Or does being in a relationship hampers your career?" He simply said "I have to think about it." Never thought about it. I mean how could some people just start making fake promises to get you and as soon as they get you and it turns into something serious they pull away. I don't know if they're Dismissive Avoidants or not. But this very cruel thing to do I believe. Afterall someone who doesn't have the courage to put and end to it they scar someone else for their Immaturity. This is really inhumane.

[@Sketch1994]

She told me how she was afraid I might not know how to argue without taking things personally...and then I expressed my opinion and she shunned me... Also told me how "everyone is too focused on career when it's not even important" but kept speaking about career changes and qualification hoarding, only to switch to how one needs to be focused in their careers and retirement plans to make their lives work. In retrospect the funniest one was claiming "an utter absence of stress"

[@fiveelementszone1463]

I completely agree with you. It is totally childish. They want serious and mature relationship and when you act this way they run away.

[@peacepantherproductions]

This is what I’m asking. He came out of the blue to pursue me pretty clearly and kept asking me out, we’re having a great time, I said I didn’t want a relationship right now, but in the future I would be aiming in that direction. He even said it was amazing that I didn’t need to clarify what we were because “most girls would have asked that question after five weeks”.. And I was fine just going on dates and having a great time. Then he opens up a lot more, then abruptly pulls away and says he’s busy, people are coming into town hehas to Work extra hard right now, etc. And that’s fine. I want him to take care of himself and do the right thing, but he has like literally no time in three months to actually have a real conversation and give me real answers and closure. ?? Like why the fuck did you start this whole thing and build the whole thing up from 0 to 60 to just leave me sitting in a car as you bail out the window? It’s pathetic and I’m over it all.

[@aerog9860]

Heres an easy answer. We're all too old to be playing these childish games. If youre going to play the chase game then you can play by yourself.

[@nahomelion]

Haha best comment I've seen today! Don't chase women, stay strong boys!! 💪@@cornwallismorgan874

[@ashton1952]

Context is everything. It's kinda unrealistic to just propose a serious relationship to an acquaintance and wam bam overnight.. works sometimes I guess. Attraction requires skillful interaction like chess, or a dance, not clubbing and dragging back to cave.

[@ashton1952]

​@@cornwallismorgan874carry a sign saying "women propose here"; you'll get a lot of attention you don't want

[@tinaureta9891]

Hahahahahahahahahaa!!!! I love that

[@flashman2]

They just sleep with anything with a pulse

[@SK-no2pp]

If someone acts like your partner but refuses to use titles, it's because they aren't ready for a relationship, want to keep their options open, or aren't sure about you. Titles define a relationship. There's no ambiguity when there's a title, which is why labels scare people who aren't read to commit. Relationships are about actions AND words. When it comes to relationships, actions don't always speak louder than words. One is not more important than the other. The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words. To avoid using a title, people might say things like let's just take it slow, I want to enjoy what we have, I like things the way they are, I don't want to get hurt, I don't do labels, it's too much pressure, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the timing isn't right, let's see how things are going in a few months, etc... But when a person is ready to commit, comfortable with intimacy, and sure about you, the way they act will align with the words they speak.

[@hotpink3459]

Very well said

[@wilvandenham837]

This is it, confusing but right on the dot 👊

[@Lorij24]

The DA I was recently with pretty much said every single one of those things. And while I've done extensive work on my own FA attachment style, I know I'm a worthy partner and I accept that at best. This isn't the right time and at worst this isn't the right person and so I try to move on.

[@SK-no2pp]

@@Lorij24 best wishes! You can do it, choose yourself. You’re worthy of love ❤️

[@Lorij24]

@@SK-no2pp thank you so much. I did and much to my extreme surprise he came back yesterday and we're going to try again. It's crazy how much he admitted to me about the things he feared and also why he knows he shouldn't be letting me go. It was kind of beautiful and I know that we both want to be good to each other and it will be difficult but it's worth it.

[@JamilaGomez82]

#3 is hitting the hardest for me at the moment because I remember Thais saying how 'out of sight, out if mind' DAs can be and I know my ex is DEFINITELY that way. If he's in this space where he doesn't want to be bothered by anyone, if you don't reach out, y'all just won't talk. And now that I'm on the receiving end of this, and knowing that I did try quite a bit to reach out before I went no contact, I have to face the reality that we may never speak again. Makes me sad because I gave the relationship my absolute all. But it is what it is at this point.

[@flyergd]

I know how you feel. It’s been 2,5 months for me. Reaching a stage of acceptance is the hardest part because it involves forgetting or devaluating all your positive memories together from when you felt you had something special. My ex at least doesn’t have the capacity to reminisce. Therefore once she made up her mind to break up, I know she won’t be thinking about it. Rather she turned her focus elsewhere. And started dating other people right away. Something that is completely impossible for me at the moment. In the end what prevails the most is the feeling that it was all a delusion. And unfortunately all there is left to do is to accept, move on little by little, and learn from this so that we don’t put ourselves in the same position again. Stay strong :)

[@Growwithgrace101]

One month after being dumped out of the blue from almost 3 years of an amazing time...but all very final and no room for discussion. No material memories to clear up , no photos, no socials, no connections...he did a good job of keeping me at arms length...will he miss me? Will no contact make a difference? Would he change? Only person I can work on is myself now. I will never get the answers...one day at a time it will fade!

[@nikibrowne]

All three of these posts by random strangers has me in complete tears. I'm so sorry for y'all's sadness and pain it absolutely breaks my heart that people do this in this way. I had it done to me & iCome here for the videos to know I'm not the only one out there dealing with this heart ache. It should help to know that it's a personality disorder but somehow it really doesn't help b/c I know they'll never get the help they need & they'll just keep doing this to the next & the next& so on & so forth. I'm in the process of forgiving myself on a daily basis. Allot of journaling& allot of crying hence the crying lol reminiscing. When i get back from vacation (October) I'll sign up and start working on me! That's the toughest part about it at this time: it's always been so hard to love myself & this DA made me feel lovable & turned on all kinds of lights in my brain that were flipped off for so long. I miss that but if I'm going to stop finding love in all the wrong places- I've got to start looking within- hard as that is at least iKnow it's possible & that deep down inside my hatred is love asking to bloom

[@MrP-kw3lf]

@@flyergd I liked your comment but it breaks my heart. i may be in the same boat. From "I've never told a living soul any of this before" to broken up 24 hours later. Much love.

[@OhSoMimi1]

Your ex might be a narcissist and not an avoidant.

[@jeanhughes5261]

This topic is so important. When you give so much to a relationship for a DA but they reciprocate the bare minimum even though they love you it’s confusing and hard.

[@caralineborchers5812]

Can relate to this so much

[@mdemarat9156]

​@@caralineborchers5812😅t

[@hurricaneaquatics]

Jean, I think you're lying to yourself. Love isn't hurting your partner, stonewalling you, silent treatment, and disregarding your feelings. That's not love, they want you on their terms and if they don't need something, they don't want you.

[@jeanjessmommysharlyn2771]

I agree

[@katenicholson4152]

I do think they love you even if they do this. It is at their capacity though, and for other attachment styles the bare minimum in comparison to what we give to DAs. I know I gave mine everything. Felt like a part of myself really. He felt like matching it by about 30% and reached burn out quickly after the honeymoon phase 😔

[@Chazman2427]

Thank you, as always Thais! Yesterday was the first day I actually felt as if I don’t want my DA ex back. Naturally, I happened to run into him and that all fell apart. It’s so difficult accepting that I have no power to alter his perspective, to seek understanding from him, or to make him come back. But the more I watch your videos, the more I can recognize the patterns that weren’t working for me, for us, and the more I am able to let go, little by little…

[@Ckyt572]

I feel the same way now. I know a relationship with a DA can't work out but I still want to be friends with him. I haven't heard anything from him in 4 months and it's his bday :( I don't know what to do now.

[@Chazman2427]

@@Ckyt572 I’m sure you could wish them a happy birthday! My DA and I said we would be friends. But then I had to process when he told me “you’re the only ex I would even consider being friends with” (subtext, don’t you feel special?) He has a lot of work to do. So do I, but at least I have a head start. Anyway, wish your ex a happy birthday if it’s what you WANT! 😁

[@Ckyt572]

@@Chazman2427 oh I've been debating for a long time... I don't want to regret it in case he doesn't want to hear from me. He dumped me, didn't offer me to be friends, we were supposed to talk any other day but... we've been in no contact since then. I didn't reach out, I didn't beg. I just walked away. But I miss him so badly, I don't miss him like the first months, but I don't want him out of my life forever. And I know he won't reach out, he's very avoidant. Maybe I'll reach out with a light message :( It's so hard because he dumped me and I'll end up reaching out?... I don't know

[@gogohappygirl]

If friendship is all you want, go ahead and reach out for their birthday. However, if any part of you wants to rekindle things, take a big pause and really think about why you want to reach out before you do. It’s recommended not to reach out if you are hoping to rekindle things and instead reach out on a different day that isn’t a special occasion.

[@Ckyt572]

@@gogohappygirl oh god, I'm so confused! I mean, I know I want him in my life but I was hoping that he would reach out, but it's been 4 months. DAs don't reach out ... I know he misses me too. I imagine we could hang out again ☺️🤕

[@MindfulEating-n3c]

Guys this is a headache, please the right person will be there for you. I'm right hurting and I'm done

[@tclarke971]

Just broke up with my gf... I have been watching your videos on DA and trying to figure why she does what she does. After a few hours of this it hit me ... I think I am a DA. I started checking off all the boxes.... Thank you for giving me something to think about.

[@LifeisaBeautifulting]

Heal and do better

[@anthonymcdaniel592]

I did give the da all the space and time she needed to reach out well she did about 2 years later by that time I married a ride or die girl who just keeps amazing me . da didn’t like it when I told her iam married which surprised me. I crossed oceans for da she maybe try crossing a mud puddle for me these videos keep me learning bout myself and others they bring peace.

[@Tiffany-w8c]

So glad you are so happy in your marriage!!!

[@Tiffany-w8c]

She may have taken you for granted because you were always so generous. She did want you but was afraid of feeling in love (being vulnerable) so she was stingy. Because giving love would make her feel in love and be out of her comfort zone.

[@joykorshiwor699]

Thank God you exist

[@jessd956]

Seriously. ❤

[@Ari.StarFire]

Amen!

[@pegbuckner5074]

Right?!!!!! Yes 👏🏻

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤❤❤

[@ng-marc]

Amen 🎉

[@suttonfarms2343]

Floated in that gray area for nearly 3 years. She broke it off again today (6th time) and that's all I have to give. My advice.....don't chase. If someone can't say you're in a relationship and they see their own issues, take them at their word. Just leave and don't look back.

[@hanmanteomkar]

6th time? Have some self respect bro/sis!

[@GlitterPrincess74]

@@hanmanteomkarbe nice. Love is complicated.

[@emanuelmarcus4602]

Same thing, she's broken up with me 4 or 5 times and she's came back. She left again a month ago, but I don't feel sad anymore. i just feel empty. She said she doesn't know if she's in love with me. This is the first time she's said something like this.

[@WoW-S9105]

Just when I thought there was a ton he has to fix, I stumble onto this…it’s even worse that I realized. I truely feel like I’m fighting a loosing battle!! This couldn’t be much worse!!!

[@juniorleburu1333]

As a DA I can confirm. I relate a lot to reason #5 . Like I would beat up myself so hard especially when me and partner had a huge argument. And it's way worse when dealing with someone who doesn't forgive easily or someone who lashes out when angry... It's more like playing the victim card even though I'm in the wrong and I hate this trait a lot . Either way I want to work on this toxic trait and be a better person 😶

[@nahomelion]

It’s ok to struggle, one great quality you have is self awareness. I’m sure you’ll heal soon ❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@D_B6]

Truly beautifully said!

[@carolinelaronda4523]

That’s so refreshing to hear a DA even admit this AND recognize what they’re even doing. I am having to just completely break up w my DA bc he does that toxic trait and still can’t see what he’s doing and makes me the bad guy - it’s just getting so old . After almost 4 years of trying to work things out o can see he’s just not self aware enough for it to work . And he refuses to pay for therapy so the relationship will work even tho he claims he wants it so bad .. ugh . He keeps hurting me so badly I can’t take it anymore. Anyway .. didn’t mean to rant here, but more so just wanted to say even though I don’t know you, I am proud of you for getting the help to self awareness and healing.

[@DFG1111]

[@ClintLeClairMD]

My best friend has a lot of DA traits. This video (and many of the others)helped me understand so much of why she is the way she is, in our dynamic. Thank you so much for putting this content on KZbin.

[@AB-ec5qv]

This explains everything. We could have had a great life, but he sabotaged our relationship every time I got too close. Magic happened when we were together, but eventually it's not worth the pain. I made a list of everything I loved about him to understand what I was letting go of - or rather, what I didn't have anymore because he dumped me. I'll use it as a guide to what I want in the future. Luckily, Mother Nature hates a vacuum. Thank you for your insights and your help in putting what I went through in perspective.

[@youngirb]

Im an AP, my partner is a DA. They relationship is also LDR. So as you would imagine, my AP triggers are high lol. This channel and all of the honest conversations in the comments has helped me to feel what im missing from my DA, HEARD..

[@lianevoelker9845]

Thanks for your videos ❤️ they always help me to talk sense into my mind. I've had a massive breakdown today after dating for the first time since my breakup with a DA/FA. Me going on a date completely re-activated all my pain again. I miss my Ex so much. But I am to scared to reach out to him. He completely deactivated and felt like I am not the one. And I need to trust his judgement. But man, i wish we didn't had these amazing dates to start with. But once his fears kicked in, all i was left with was potential.

[@gazaustinmusic8321]

It's a nightmare

[@lianevoelker9845]

@@gazaustinmusic8321 it indeed is. I never struggled getting over someone before. This is truly a nightmare.

[@socol76]

It’s like being shown the riches of the world and having them all snatched away and thrown into a dark dungeon all alone

[@katalinmcewan]

You are better off! Way better! Life is fab without having to deal with a DA.

[@Kemi116]

I totally know how you feel my love. This isn’t going to be easy for you to hear but please try to truly understand this… The current pain, remorse and longing you feel for your ex will start to reside, you’ll no longer feel as intensely as you do for him right now, if you use the correct tools to help yourself heal. Increase your social life, journal, cry it out, enjoy with friends, new ventures or involved with the community, new hobby, studying, reading books, new series/anime, volunteering, church or getting in touch with your spiritual side, as it’s your soul that’s hurting and you need to fill it up to make you whole again. Then eventually you’ll come at a place where your healed and you know exactly what you want in a partner and most importantly what you DON’T want. My ex was a DA and I never experienced such deep pain before in my life, we were in talking stage for 8 months, relationship lasted 8 1/2 months. I cried a lot throughout my healing time, my hardest cry was 11 1/2 months after break up on Christmas :( then I cried again 1yr 4m after break up and then I was entirely done :) Now I’m dating someone new who I’m deeply attracted to, he really likes me and vice versa, he’s more successful than my ex, way better in bed (LOL), he spends even more time with me , doesn’t hide me - he flaunts me in public and communicate his feelings unlike my DA ex and in 5 months, I already got to meet his parents/family (he invited me to the biggest day of his life… His graduation) and I was with them for 1 day 1/2 and they absolutely loved me, we have so many beautiful photos to make up for the wonderful wholesome day that it was! So hold on my dear, plenty of wonderful times are to come. Be strong, you’ve got this my love! It may feel like the end of the world now but plenty of good times are coming, just don’t you ever settle for less! 🤗❤️

[@meagandekkar6377]

Nobody is asking to be chased just wanting my effort and energy put into a relationship matched. Sabotaging a relationship is childish- either you want that person or you don’t so time to boss up or be alone. A person shouldn’t pretend to want a relationship just for sex and then pull back.

[@DandLucy]

Ive tried for 4 years to be patient, give space when needed, work with him but after awhile i realized EVERYTHING was revolving around him. Very few of my needs are being even considered...after awhile i just felt myself getting more and more disgusted and resentful. There is only so much a person can tolerate before they snap. If everyday seems like a struggle and you never know where you stand, best to just get it over with and leave. They won't ever change.

[@dmitryisaev5955]

DAs do chase after they have realized that they are going to lose you…

[@MzShonuff123]

It’s part of the roller coaster. It’s exhausting. I’m glad I left

[@jtothec1234]

Do DAs ever come back even though they broke up with you?

[@beccastroh8852]

I’m a DA, even if I realized I was going to lose someone I’d feel a bit more relieved letting them go.

[@jtothec1234]

@@beccastroh8852 Isn't that during the relief stage when the initial breakup happens? what if you were in a long-term relationship, do you ever miss the person and want to reconcile?

[@chastasteffan6684]

I cant anymore, 6th time I went back I love him but now I have to safely do this at a distance with no contact.... it is so painful to openly love somebody that constantly does not reciprocate

[@blixsnix792]

Arranged marriage is sounding good right about now…

[@baldersn4474]

That would be even worse

[@bmswomn68]

​@@baldersn4474agree 😮😂

[@rumim1763]

I am an AP/FA in my first (ever) relationship with a DA. Things are tough, but Thais your videos are helping me hold onto hope. I understand we both have to work individually on ourselves, as well as work together. The problem is, I don’t know where to begin with him because we haven’t been able to sit down and talk. Whenever I bring it up he will just stop responding or avoid the topic altogether. We haven’t seen each other in over a month, and he “doesn’t do” phonecalls. I’m trying not to push and pressure him into having this serious talk to begin healing our relationship but I struggle to stay motivated and loving and understanding while I’m feeling very hurt while I wait for him to schedule even 2 hours for me. I really need him to understand that I’m struggling, but I don’t know how to do that without making him feel criticized or judged. In the meantime your videos have been almost like therapy for me, as well as the reading the comments, to help me make sense of my feelings and see that I’m not helpless and there are steps I can take (if only I can keep being patient with him).

[@rumim1763]

by the way he is the kind of DA that hasn’t yet realized that he has things to work on, so thats where we’re starting, if we’re starting…😢

[@GChan129]

@@rumim1763 I hope you can prioritise your needs above the DA. The fear of abandonment from being AP is because one abandons themselves. It's easy to say, if only the other person changes then I could be happy, but you also can change and be happy. Just that kind of happiness would look different than the image you have in your head with the DA

[@NMTDelightfulMusic]

Go no contact, he is not worth it :)))

[@replaygeorge]

hey, I can relate so much! After a certain age, that's my opinion, that time is very precious, and waiting for months or even weeks for someone to call or text you back is not worth it. For me it is a big red flag if someone in a relationship or as a way of life wants to be left alone or be alone for weeks/months. While it's fine to get some time for yourself, loners and extreme introverts never make good partners or friends, especially for people who like to connect and have a more social life. So, there is nothing to heal, unfortunately, it's to much work, and it doesn't sound like he's going to put the effort. Worse, you sabotage your self esteem while waiting, or perhaps, even ruminating, for weeks to get an answer back or some sign. It's painful, making it even harder to heal, and develop secure attachments with other people.

[@SrnDpT-ti1xs]

This comment from 3 months ago... are you still seeing this person? Or did you cut yourself loose from the breadcrumbing?

[@beckichaplin1974]

Really helpful for me to understand and process through the pain. It's too late for us but now I'm not taking it personally anymore. Thank you, Thais.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@maristella287]

Yes they sabotage. This is great information. Here is what I learned sounds like a great thing to do.

[@rameneater1437]

You help understand my partner a lot through these videos. It sucks that the avoidant is like this, but it helps to a certain extent to ease my anxiety. Still doesn't help that I have to take serotonin pills now tho lol

[@TheMusicalMotiv]

This part 😂. I’m in outpatient therapy now

[@v.c.7330]

A good topic for a video would be about DAs at work. Relationships with collegues, vague communication to colleagues and how to explain to them that sometimes people just share their frustration and don't direct it at them (it seems they always take any emotional outbursts of other people personally).

[@hshfyugaewfjkKS]

Most people take emotional outbursts personally. Probably a good idea to sort out why you can't communicate w/o an emotional outburst. (If this refers to you)

[@LuxuryTravel4Life]

This would be a good topic. My ex DA always told me he was labeled as difficult and not a team player but yet, management always relied on him to do the work others did not do right or additional work that needed to be done. He always gave 110% but felt very undervalued and unappreciated. Took it very personally. Probably will not leave as he is approaching 10 years and will earn another week of vacation.

[@dominikwolski9577]

Thank you, Thais. Seems like the more I listen to your content the more sense I can get out of my DA ex’s behavior. So glad I found this channel. All the best in 2024🙂

[@zandersorc]

Great idea on how to suggest to your partner how they can discover their attachment style w/o blatantly telling them "you're a DA!". From many of the DA related videos, I've noticed many ppl seem to want to definitely tell them directly because they are usually at their wit's end and frustrated.

[@katymello3547]

I was super direct about it with my partner. I actually think he prefers when I can be direct and to the point. Person above me is correct. It’s about tone or the way you deliver something.

[@brandonmathueofficial]

You are a godsend and teach us so much and you are so tapped into what’s going on emotionally. Thank you for helping and your service to us

[@lizdestefano4905]

As a DA, I was taught if you want something in life Go get it yourself, Nothing is handed to you which is true! I told a potential boyfriend which right now a friend i miss him, then dud t text back for a while! I know I'm a DA but its extremely hard to trust people! I was left at the hospital as a baby, bullied all my life and was never told i was good enough, so its super hard to trust! Love ny adopted family but dont know even a quarter of what gose in my head!!

[@ichigossbm4636]

I've been learning so much but at this point I just love listening to Thais speak. Lol

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@Kingdonomics]

I feel like Thais is always geniune when she thanks her audience for watching. Authentic and genuine.

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

My DA friend often willingly receives but only occasionally offers to pay, for example. Is this a standard 'entitlement' pattern. He does now bring suggestions to the table though, like where we might go or what we might do, which is really nice.

[@prettybird7597]

My ex DA has this thing about money. He thinks everyone (including me) was trying to take or use him for money. Then got mad when I had the audacity to get mad at him “asking” me if I was. 🙄

[@Mermaid03_03]

@@prettybird7597same with my ex DA! Like a paranoia around it. He did get to the point where he would give me small gifts or amounts of money but it came off as bare minimum to me. He said it’s the most he’s ever done for someone though so I was appreciative as much as I could be.

[@Iamherenow1986]

This is great Ty, I'm in a place where these topics are scarce and sometimes feels like their miles away to get to. I hope you know in a fast pace life and trying to understand, your channel has been super beneficial to my growth. I was ending up in the lonely dark corners still smiling and willing to try to have a good time due to the damage that is caused being on the receiving end of it. I walk into it thinking I was a victim. Here I am a light carrier of it. After gathering my understandings of it I take it out not as a shield but as canteen of life water that the person may need. I give them just enough to understand themselves especially with the possibility that this may be. Thank you!!!!!🎉

[@chrissieling8187]

I’m glad you talked about how to approach them. Your content helped me understand why she’s so hard to be with. We have kids so I need to put in the work to adapt. I sent her a couple videos and she was very irritated and said that’s not her. I’m now just giving her space and being careful with my words. Thanks

[@HEYEMMY8]

I was feeling super anxious about a recent fight with my DA boyfriend and, at the same time, had some other family-related issues which were making me feel super needy. When I reached out to my boyfriend for reassurance, he was in his deactivation mode and didn't give me any reassurance but instead shut down further. This resulted in his need for "space" and threats to end things. If I didn't have the understanding of his core wounds and triggers then I would be convinced he was a completely uncaring narcissistic a-hole who doesn't love me. I know this is not the case and thankfully, because of PDS, I can address this with my own belief patterns and behaviors. It's all very much work in progress but I see how the relief I need is within me. It's unfortunate he is less open to learning about himself but I work things into our discussions and I can tell he sees the logic in these theories. 😏 Side note, when he's not deactivating he takes very good care of me in all areas.

[@HEYEMMY8]

Shame wound. He just texted me that he's a loser, sorry for everything and everything is his fault. Complete opposite from our argument. My sister suggested sending the 🤷🏼‍♀️ emoji (teehee) but I was kind and disagreed with him. How to suggest therapy in a gentle, non-critical way?

[@r_and_a]

@@HEYEMMY8 hope things have resolved positively for you 💜 fwiw, imagine approaching the idea as nonjudgementally & solution-based as possible might help, trying to ensure you frame it as a "teamwork" type thing & reinforce you're *not* saying *they* are "defective" but wanted to get tools so you *both* can communicate more effectively & reduce how much distress either of you experience

[@HEYEMMY8]

Thank you! Things are getting better. I like this advice. 👌🏻

[@r_and_a]

@@HEYEMMY8 i'm glad it's get better for *both* of your sakes 💜 as an FA in love with a DA & parent of a secure, leaning DA, adult i relate to how anxious one can get in relationships with DAs but there are so many wonderful gifts from them, too! i used the approach outlined previously when talked to my kid about therapy back in their teen years, before i had a lot of understanding of attachment theory, & in some ways think just figuring out how to frame that helped as much as our therapy i don't necessarily have a similar experience with the DA i'm in love with but find maintaining similar mindset when discussing any issues that come up to be helpful 😊 our dynamic naturally encourages & reinforces each of us working on becoming more secure best wishes with your journey! 🌈

[@daxter7913]

Hmmm. He couldn’t & won’t talk. Tight as a clam, including me & his personal life. He made everything into a mystery, deception, ‘I don’t know’ answers when I asked him to be honest with me. In & out Cycles over & over. Nothing left but to block him & run. Haven’t heard from him in months. Guess some folks are just meant to be left alone. Felt sorry for him bc is eyes reflected so much pain, which he vocalized that he intended suicide a few years back. Yet, he’s a societal high roller. Feel sorry for him. He’s put himself into a box, apparently no way out.

[@Vincent_N89]

My DA ex just texted me last night, saying: "but for now, our chapter is closed" Wtf does she mean "for now"? Either you're done with me or you're not... It's quite frankly a joke having to deal with them, after doing the typical DA/AP dance.

[@jaded3333]

This made me lol because it’s so relatable and absurd the way they behave with unclear language to keep one foot in one foot out. Or even worse this last avoidant I was dating DID try to use clear language when he’d deactivate/ push me away like “we are done!” So I accepted the apparent rare clarity and moved on.. only for him to try and return a month later acting like nothing had happened. 🤪😂 I finally had to call it DONE myself because the confusion and waiting around got exhausting. They can go somewhere else with their fear.

[@Vincent_N89]

@jadethiraswas4121 It's literally clownish, emotionally immature behaviour 🤡😒 I know it's not all their fault (attachment wounds, etc) but after 4 months of NC, I don't even get a "hey, how you been?" Instead a wall of text (stating not to contact her anymore as she doesn't wanna get back together) for missing her phone call...Followed by me trying to phone her again later that evening, realising I'm blocked again, being defeated and missing ANOTHER phone call... To which she says "just wanted to call to say goodbye, but ok. Goodbye 👋" And now back to being blocked again. Yet, a week before the breakup, we were intimate with each other, after she came over in a drunken state at 4am to declare her undying love for me 🙄🙄🙄

[@jaded3333]

@@Vincent_N89 it is indeed laughable emotionally immature behavior! It’s hard not to take it personally in the moment but once I take a step back after being triggered and maybe letting myself have a cry if needed, the laughter always comes in strong at what they think is normal and appropriate. 😂 and it’s no use to try and get them to see that though because their emotionally immaturity begets no capacity for self-awareness, which is frustrating for us because their patterns of behavior should be evidence enough that they have issues… I’m sorry about your ex and I hope you can heal and move forward from her and those mind games. It’s unfair and cruel to be so reckless with someone’s heart. I, too understand they have wounds to heal so I usually do try to help them for a little while but in my experience they quickly start to resent you for it and next thing i know I’m the one needing therapy!🤣 the irony😭

[@Vincent_N89]

@jadethiraswas4121 @jadethiraswas4121 I've ready countless person stories of avoidants and their complete lack of self-awareness. This means they'll never learn or improve. In some ways, you sorta feel sorry for them, that they'll never be able to fix their issues, and ultimately may be this way for the rest of their life, sadly. Your last words really ring true & resonate with me... Any attempt to try and enlighten and educate, or even the slightest bit of constructive criticism is met with contempt. It boggles the mind. Maybe she's done with me for good and it's over indefinitely after so many years together. I just don't understand why she needed to phone me and specifically talk on the phone when she already confirmed in text... So youre done with him for good? I'm truly sorry you're going through the same situation, and I hope that you can resolve things and move forward with your life.

[@anniiKn]

My DA ex did the same thing a few break ups ago. I sent him a text to wish him well. He obviously got the sense, that even though he had sabotaged the relationship, that I still loved him. And so he said " I will need you. I will never find peace without your help". It was so confusing, like, you just broke up with me and now you will need me... eventually lol.

[@MuscleBandit]

Your insight into all of these dynamics is no less than amazing. I am an avoident who is dealing with one in a friend zone / situationship and I have totally given up on her but have to see her all the time and need to nurture the friendship. It's damn tough on my heart and soul so having your content to fall back on for clarity is super helpful. Thank you.

[@electricchick]

So I'm an anxious-attacher, and trying to get secure. My question for the DAs - if we say "i respect your need for space, and I look forward when you're ready to reconnect", will you guys really get back to us when you're ready, or are you actually waiting for us to reach out after a period of time? It's been (only) 4 days since i sent that text to her, and havent heard back since (we also work together, but i've been conveniently avoiding the workplace). Wadya reckon!!

[@MuscleBandit]

@electricchick ahh I really think it depends on a number of factors at play such as where your relationship is at, who is more attracted to who at this point in time, any personal issues they may have or maybe it's simply nothing and just let them get back to you in due course. If somebody never gets back to you, avoident or not, then they are not that into you either way. You are doing the right thing by hanging back though, play it cool and you should be fine.

[@electricchick]

It's been 5 years.. because we work together, it's been tricky to properly acknowledge our relationship outside of work - the anxious me never stated my need for acknowledgement and admittedly it's been eating away at me. This is the first time that she's 'gone away' for this many days. Typically she takes about a day or so. So it's a really extended time, and I know that work's been heavy for her. I'm really giving her the space. And it's real tough leaving her to do her thang.. So in the meantime, am doing all I can to busy myself and distract. 😂 How long does she need!!

[@MuscleBandit]

@electricchick I would say forst and foremost continue with the indifference even if it's super tough. When you see one another let her see something a bit different about your appearance, have something new to say about what you've been up to which you should casually drop in and then be the first to end the conversation and give space again until she reaches out to you. Creating other options as a back up plan is always a great idea, it will help you give off less needy vibes which is more attractive and preps you for an end if the end is nye!

[@gregvanpaassen]

So, summarising this as a DA: relationships are work (maybe relationships and connection are easy and natural for other attachment styles, but for DAs it's learning metaphysical poetry in a very foreign language without an instructor).And if you learn how to connect your reward is more work. Perpetual work. There has to be something more, something that makes it worthwhile. What is it?

[@C737xbrj]

Nothing. There is nothing worthwhile. Nothing that a secure attached person couldn't reciprocate for you.

[@donnapinto3880]

Today I asked DA if he thought we were a match. This is after almost 2 years of so much confusion and uncertainty from him. I was surprised to hear a very clear and certain yes in answer to my question.

[@ASlightlyTwistedFemale]

How is it going now?

[@psi23k]

It breaks my heart that the da i was interested in is hurting and theres nothing i can do about it.

[@DC31952]

Finally someone said this. Me too

[@jozefien.n]

You can't help them if you're that emotionally involved. Which is the irony of the whole matter

[@nightmareoracle]

They're too scared to be rejected

[@snehachandline]

Me and my DA are working together in the team (workplace) he broke up with me couple of months back. I tried reaching out to him rn he is in another city. I wanted him to understood. He is a really nice that’s why I couldn’t let him go. Even though he is a DA he still worked in this relationship but at some point at the peak point of realisation for him he decided he’s not the person for me and he don’t wanna hurt me anymore. I don’t if he’ll come back or not. I’ve given him assurance through text message I don’t what impact that would have on him. This happened already at that time I was one who gave the assurance and made him come back. I’m an anxious person who didn’t give him time. But by watching your videos I really gain insights on how his dynamics are. Now I really wanna work on this relationship but he’s not ready.

[@ashleyconway4137]

You gave me the tools I need in possibly reconnecting with a DA! 👏🏻Thank you!

[@julieb4765]

My DA would eventually try to pull me back in so I just ended the cycle and cut off any way he could contact me.

[@MIMIDSH]

Everything was very nice between us- easy, no demands, no fights, great chemistry. He fell in love and that was too much for him, so he ended it. We started seeing each other again recently. He's the one initiating getting together, so that's a lot for him. I'm focused on my own life (not dating) so for now, it's ok.

[@hupiturpikek1117]

If you ask a dismissive "What attachment style do you think you are?" they may also say that they are secure. 😂 They are the style that can trick the test the most...

[@jeanjessmommysharlyn2771]

😂

[@wrcinc]

A even better question is why do you want someone to “chase” you anyway? If you need to be chased then there are bigger issues to deal with here.

[@kaitlin8669]

If shows that they are reliable during hard times like childbirth or sickness.

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

As always Very helpful & supportive. Calming effect,Beautiful knowledge felt in the heart from such a kind woman. Thankyou ❤

[@sandrabell1999]

One I know is they appear to be desperate for a relationship out of fear of being alone....the most emotionally constipated man I ever met....really sad

[@Morbass664]

Confusing if the DA/FAs behavior is using narcissistic personality traits as defense behavior, or do they have NPD?

[@LeeChrissy]

Any attachment style can be a narcissist. Thais has mentioned in videos that it's more AP and FA than DA.

[@MzShonuff123]

I dated someone who had NPD (covert) was who a DA. Did being a DA cause him to develop NPD? I don’t know. I’m an FA and I don’t use narcissistic traits as my maladaptive coping strategies (all mine are self/destructive to me but less to others)

[@speciallist3049]

THe childhood vulnerability makes sense. My FA/DA had a very controlling father, he clearly wanted a boy. Made her play compettive sports, her mantra from him when I was struggling was "Push through the pain babe". He was like me in alot of the good ways she liked but think she never got to this point with someone. The nicesty thing she said to me or the ine I valued the most and think she did was "I just feel soooo comfrotable and sooo safe with you". And was always so shocked I "STILL" liked her. That was something she'd ask over and over like 8-10 months into it. "Do you STILL like me?" And when I'd say more than ever she's say "Reallly? Reeeeeallllly????" and be SO happy when I said yes. Seemed like she was used to sure I'd discover something about her and not like her anymore and was surprised and happy I liked her MORE.

[@DiamondsRexpensive]

That girl sounds like me 😢 I feel for her. What happened to her after her encounter with you?

[@speciallist3049]

@@DiamondsRexpensive I feel for her too :( It was more than an encounter, actually an 18 month relationship. By farrr her longest. She broke up with me out of the blue and by text when we were at our happiest (as in strangers coming up to us to remark on how amazing our energy was how happy we looked (in fact one person said "you two look like you have loved each other since you were little children" I mean WTAF?!) and she'd be so happy and make sure I got what they were saying) and in fact she was on for her upcomng birthday "a bracelet or some other jewlery I can wear so I have a physical reminder of your feelings and committment to me" or, as my sisters said, 'oh, an engagement ring'. So this girl that was basically my siamese twin by that point from dawn till dusk and beyond ripped us apart. I gave her her space w/o drama after making sure she knew I loved her and wanted a future with her, let her know every couple weeks I was still around and cared e.g. 'just wanted to make sure that project went ok' and then after 3 months or so she texted me and suddenlly ereturned to the day and night texting and facetiming from bed, exactly as if noth9ing had happened. this went on for 2-3 weeks then she with drew again, then she circled back same thing. I mean back to the midnight facetime from her in bed in her PJs so both of us basically face to face as if in bed with me telling her stories since she wanted to hear my voice to fall asleep to. She's recently withdrawn again no clue. Long way of saying I don't know what happened to her. I do not *thiik* this was about another guy (she in fact said she swore on her mother's life) and a few things she said stuck with me 1) She said she'd been a hermit for the last 4 months 2) she said she was suffering from depression for the first time in her life and 3) she was suddenly taking up what I'd call 'retiree' hobbies to stay at home such as jigsaw puzzles and paint by #s. So to me seems like some crisis. There is clearly some trauma there, as much as I loved doing it it's pretty unusual to have a friend/girlfriend want you to sing her lullabyes while you watch them fall asleep. Again sort of heartbreaking I don't think I'dhavve done that for any other girl or person I ever met. But... I want her to feel safe and I want her to feel I a place she can be safe. I've been really patuient I think both with the for me heartbreaking break-up during perhaps the happiest period of my life and the utterly confusing "reconnection". She keeps avoiding actually seeing me which is interesting as we are 10 blocks apart but it never seems to happen so there is something stopping her from that too. I don't think she sees or gets the level of my heartbreak or stress aout this situation, since I'm just always availabel when she calls day or night and don't push for anything more or express hurt/longing/etc. But damn do I miss that girl...

[@May-qb3vx]

I’m a DA and I just broke up with another DA. Of the two of us, he was by far more avoidant than me, so I’m paying much more attention to the effects of my own avoidant traits. But boy is it hard not to find flaws in everyone around me. It’s something that just happens so I’m trying to figure out what to do about that. I also hadn’t been in a relationship ever in my life until I turned 24 years old earlier this year. My attachment is probably precisely why

[@JosephStockdale-q5n]

I’m in limbo. My gf is a DA and she shows all the traits. Except she is venerable and has opens up. Tells me she wants to get better for both of us and has plans for the future with me Issues is she puts out plans and never fallows through with them. I haven’t seen her but once in two weeks+ It’s like it’s just a fantasy to her. So I pulled back today. I want a commitment with her but this is extremely difficult. I’m not a quitter and I do lover her but man I’m lost !😢

[@HustleHabit]

Sounds like future faking, but they really do have trouble with commitment. I suggest you just take clear charge. "We're doing this on this day. Wear this." No arguments, no debates, you just show up when you said you would. If she continues to not cooperate, then it won't get better in the future and you should consider your time being valuable

[@tarkov_6]

They don't want to be seen for their flaw, which in itself is their flaw.....

[@cachectin23]

What is missing from this is that DAs do not chase because we think that if someone has broken up with us, they mean it. Why would we chase someone who has expressed not wanting to communicate or be with us? I would never force myself on someone. This is because I have been in many relationships with people who did not take a break up or my boundaries seriously, so when someone expresses a boundary, I take that very seriously. Even if I want to communicate, that does not mean I will. Because I am used to not having people meet my needs or that if I do express vulnerability, a person will reject me because there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Also, I would never reach out to an ex I have broken up with for good because, at that point they are dead to me. When I am done, I am done. That is a big reason why I do not chase.

[@nfoster962]

Love this! It gets tiring being in one sided connections/friendships. I think after a point in my experience, is letting people go.

[@purelightapologetics4930]

Is it bad that my first response to the question was, “Why WOULD they chase you?” 😅

[@purelightapologetics4930]

@@cornwallismorgan874 I have no idea. The idea of chasing someone after a breakup is completed foreign to me. I don’t even understand why someone would want someone they already broke up with to chase them. It clearly didn’t work the last time. I have a personal policy of never going back to a person or situation (work or living) I made the decision to leave unless I have a very good reason to. That’s how I trust myself: present me is faithfully to past me, so I can trust that future me will be faithful to present me.

[@eileendom5858]

I’m not sure if you can do a video on avoidants who have long relationships. What was that relationship like? My ex has always had short relationships, but at one point in his life he was married and had 4 kids. But he actually left when the last kid was still very small and the oldest we teens. I always wondered how come that relationship worked but all the others don’t. Especially when he seems like a great catch. He is very close to his kids. He isn’t an avoidant parent.

[@Mermaid03_03]

This would be a great topic. I’m an FA and have had a few long term relationships including a 12 year marriage (now divorced). It worked because we gave each other space…maybe too much. My most recent DA has had a LOT of situationships but also long term relationships and I wonder how that happened. They broke up because she moved because and he wouldn’t take the next step towards marriage after 5 years so he says. He’s very DA so I can’t see him ever getting married though a part of him longs for it.

[@eileendom5858]

@@Mermaid03_03 I am FA as well and my ex DA and I have broken up twice before. I would keep feeling guilt as if I wasn’t good enough for a long term relationship with him, but that was before knowing anything about attachment styles. It’s been such a learning process these past 4 mos since I walked away. I also wonder when is space just too much space? At some point doesn’t it become like you are living separate lives? These are things I want to learn about.

[@GoddessLaurel]

Thank you, this is my first time hearings of DA's, but it makes so much sense..I can think of a few I've met, now I understand them better.

[@vitali-opal-and-gem]

To make a relationship work with a dismissive avoidant, first you have to Lasu the moon, pull it down, and give it to them. If you can't do it, sorry, there's no chance it will work.

[@peterpiper6878]

😂😂😂 I'm going to use that one.

[@0Demiyah0]

I've said it once and I'll say it again... Give a DA like 80-90% of the initiative. To text. To suggest the next date. I have always been chased by DA. It's not like other issues in insecure couples are not present, but one thing I DO get is consistent communication and frequent quality time, as they don't feel suffocated around me. I give them unproblematized space, they give me consistent and frequent attention. They don't even need to withdraw so much because I don't make an issue out of it, and their effort to talk to me and see me makes ke feel secure.

[@arankagionetti2098]

I think you just walking on eggshells

[@yasminali893]

You’re happy with just bread crumbs. And that’s the stage before heart break.

[@0Demiyah0]

@@yasminali893 is it breadcrumbs if someone talks to you every single day, calls you during the week, and makes time to see you at least one to four times a week? because that's how often my DA would reach out to me since I left him the initiative

[@0Demiyah0]

@@arankagionetti2098 what makes you assume that?

[@LeeChrissy]

I'm a FA and I liked the space my ex DA gave me. I need a LOT of it and so does he so it worked in that retrospect. He was consistent with texting and generally responded immediately which wasn't necessary but still appreciated. He was emotionally unavailable and unable to work through conflict though. That part alone was tough to work with. I loved my DA, but I felt like shit a lot of the time we were together because I knew I couldn't talk to him about anything or he'd shut down. He only wanted happy times and expected there to never be problems. That's just unrealistic. He recently came back around and wanted to put us right back into the same situation and I told him what I was looking for or we could be friends. He chose friendship which is fine. I'd rather that than inconsistency.

[@austinroberts1450]

All of this was so helpful, but what about the DAs that jump into a new relationship/ rebound 2 weeks after the breakup? I gave every ounce I had to our relationship, go as far to say the best she’s ever been treated in her life (her words) and after some poor but forgivable actions between us she up and ended it.. coldly.. is there some chance she’ll regret and chase?

[@sheliasmith2884]

Well you know what they say about rebounds they don't last. And whatever relationship they get into its going to be that same bull crap again and you know this they don't change unless they do the work they just waste your time.

[@wilvandenham837]

They do this because they can not handle it, too much emotions and they want to keep it shallow, easier to start something new then showing vulnerability

[@GlitterPrincess74]

They’re just self soothing with someone else. My ex did that. Whatever. Go be with her. If she sucks he’ll stay. It’s so sad to me (not him)but not my problem anymore. The more i read these comments the more i know it’s the right thing to do. My mental health is too important to me and he hurt me badly. I hurt him with my love and he hurt me with actual meanness. No thank you. Why does anyone want that energy back?

[@baldersn4474]

Everytime we have an arguemnt my gf goes mad , and is triggered and then blocks me..Then I have too kerp chasing , and swearing undying love and going round too her house etc untill she unblocks me...Getting exhausting, I'm now unblocked on Facebook but not friend requested ? Does she realise she's playing these games ? She rarely says sorry and is akways quick to list my faults , and events from the past etc etc.

[@allaboardthegravytrain5987]

Talk to a therapist together betterhelp or something

[@indigozen4794]

actually my DA chases me all the time but especially when I retreat

[@mhill88ify]

It's simply beneath me to "chase"...you either respond, meet me halfway, tell me what you want....or you can kick rocks. No elaborate "inner wounds" are involved....you shouldnt have to chase anything when it comes to love...its a feature, not a bug, not something to be "fixed" with therapy. The whole notion disgusts me.

[@DiamondsRexpensive]

You sound like me, and I'm an Avoidant.

[@mhill88ify]

@@DiamondsRexpensive you shouldn't have to chase, avoidant or not...

[@Drachenfurie]

They Thais! I am enjoying your content about the avoidant attachment style a lot. I have an avoidant partner and while I think I'm a securely attached person, sometimes I get very anxious, which might be bringing me much closer to the anxious - avoidant relationship thats so often described at something that ends up happening to couples. So I have a question: I'm currently in the phase of having to decide whether this relationship is for me, which is very difficult. You talk about setting deadlines and seeing the needle move. And this is a very important part, but also a very difficult one since everyone and every relationship is different, especially when it comes to timescale. Talking about weeks or even months of having to wait to see a change. So, for someone who has spend multiple years in a relationship, do you have an idea what timeframe would be appropriate to wait and observe a change? The decision to leave or stay is already so hard, but the fear of missing out what might be a happy future is even worse. (I guess you can clearly read some anxiety from inbetween those lines of text.) I'm looking forward to your or other people's comments!

[@jflsdknf]

Mine gets too depressed and discouraged and hopeless about the relationship and sees no other way, that's why. Plus his cortisol is finally coming down as he's avoiding/being alone so he think it's the answer.

[@vicklou]

15 months back from now is when we met. 11 months since I last spoke. I walked cos he didn't step up & acknowledge his feelings.

[@ericablaschke3497]

My mother is a DA. We are not talking. She has given up. My mother gave up on her daughter. She is no longer my mother. She did this as a teen she gave up on me and became angry and blamed me for the problems of the relationship. I hate her

[@eoKingNoodle]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, my Mom is also DA and used to be more like that when I grew up, but she has changed amazingly in my adult life and is now my closest friend, something I could never have imagined with the conflicts and lack of connection and feeling unwanted and blamed growing up. From my point of view she acted stone cold in many situations where I desperately needed her to save me, and I will never really understand her choices back then, but I can see now she was desperate and in survival mode and felt helpless to save me. I hope you have loads of good warm people around you and will be able to heal all the wounds she has caused

[@greciarojas7265]

Do DAs come back or not? This video breaks it down but other videos say they do come back and others say they don’t . FA here sitting with anxiety.

[@dianaisabela7816]

Depends , how much they care about you . I’m an AP , and my DA ex came back 2 times. But I’m sure that this 3rd time won’t come back anymore. I’m just doing the NC and move on with my life. I refused to be friends with him because I want to give him the pain that he give it to me. He treat me with coldness and indifference.

[@gogohappygirl]

Often they won’t be first to reach out after NC, and if they do, it would be in it non-vulnerable indirect way, such as sending a meme or liking one of your posts. If you want to get back with a DA, chances are you will have to be the one to more directly reach out. This recently happened with me and my DA ex. And they liked one of my posts and then a week later we briefly saw each other in person where they said hello first. I waited a few days and then I decided to text, and have received several texts since then, so now we are in this slow reconnection phase. I was really surprised, though, as my DA ex responded within minutes of me texting. Now it’s me taking time to text back so as not to overwhelm either of our nervous system‘s. We were in NC for about two months.

[@jojocisarova7697]

Hello, how would you approach a situation where you are broken up but you still together and are going to continue living together when the other person is a DA and you are currently in no contact?

[@OurDreamsInMotion]

I’m definitely DA and #3 rings true for me… the thing is I feel like many of us DA’s aren’t wrong and with distance I do see the flaws that I couldn’t see when the person was right up on me. I actually think we are very rational and just not codependent people…. And that’s fine. If we are to be loved it’s with someone who values space just like us and there are people like that! Lol

[@amari2aj553]

Da are definitely codependent when in relationships just because they don't show emotions outwardly they tend to stay in toxic relationship patterns codependency is when you stay in something being a caretaker or rescuer at your own expense and avoidants are def rescuers

[@r_and_a]

fwiw, you can also be loved by one who *understands* you value space if y'all try to meet in the middle 💜 my DA needs more space than i do as an FA but we accept each others' differences and both make efforts in our relationship it probably helps as an FA i value space more than some but with us it seems our interest in understanding each other is really key to bridging our differences, i don't take their distance personally & they know i don't want to trap them in a codependent situation while i accept & adore them as they are (which they reciprocate) our dynamic sort of naturally encourages & reinforces both of us working on becoming more secure, too - something seems many miss out about relationships with DAs always grateful when DAs share their perspective in the comments as it definitely helps me be better able to consider where my DA might be coming from 🌈 best wishes!

[@chereengodwin656]

Always helpful. Thank you

[@lilliankillian7366]

Hi I really tried to reconnect he doest want to do it again we were togeather for 3and half years I still care for him he broke it up about two months ago. I miss him but don't want to chase . Help ty

[@Chevelle602]

So I'm the poster boy for DA. How do I fix myself?

[@tidusyuna3]

Have DA ex, she broke up with her ex from a toxic relationship and rebound into me relationship lasted for 2 month was on of the worst ups and downs i every gotten . A month later after we broke up she went back to her ex , she ghosted me and even hide all her stories away from

[@nicklord826]

What do you do if you partner is such a good dismissive avoidant, they don't even have the time to listen to you tell them or time for them to tell you anything at all about how their feel, they are so busy putting eveything else first avoiding conversation with ease and grace Then its ' nows not the right time. Can we talk a out it later " babe when I got something to say or you have something to say. It's the right time. A other one is, we need break what you don't want to give me space to heal...um your not healing your perpetuating the destructive cycle....it's a terrible state to be in and to try be woth, its all effort and almost zero reward in almost every way. And it's so incidiieous how the beginning is real but then, well you the rest...

[@celticqt22]

I'm kind of anxious attachment with fear lots of fear. I am kind of dating a guy with dismissive attachment or fearful attachment. And he does the what I called the turtle thing where he goes and disappears at times with no actual warnings he when he comes back he said I really missed our conversations and things like that but open as far as you know what he's been doing or what's been going on in his life. Now this time he's been gone for two months and before he left he said I think we really should become really solid friends before we get too far into a relationship and I was like okay that's kind of like taking a step back which is okay but then he disappeared like I said for the last 2 months. So I want to call him and say hey let's go do something fun together doesn't have to be expensive because he has always said oh I don't have any money and that's not true those are just excuses he uses and I said I don't understand why you're using that as an excuse. I'm just trying to take the next step as far as okay then you want to spend more time together to build a friendship you have to have 90 minutes a week I'll be happy with 60 minutes a week or 90 minutes every 2 weeks doing something cheap together like Putt-Putt golf or bowling or apple picking. But I can't get a response now out of him I have texted him I don't know what to do they left a voicemail. Not angry not upset not nothing just hey how about we going to play a game of Putt-Putt golf this afternoon or next weekend. I'm really like your opinion on this on how to get him to come back out again.

[@namelessbrat7197]

You can't "make him" come back out. DAs usually come back out once they self soothed and calmed enough. Every text you're sending him is causing a stress reaction in him that will lengthen the duration of his absence. Depending on how often you are texting him, it might even convince him that your relationship just isn't worth it.

[@spacecat8511]

Watching this not particularly because I want to be chased-absolutely not. I would, however, like to have a friend/crush break a period of silence themselves when I give us both space to calm down when we have a misunderstanding that gets us both triggered. (We’re both FAs, but his patterning seems to trend more Avoidant whereas I internalize my FA as probably a 50/50 push-pull that I just…ignore and push past it often at the cost of validating my emotions beyond acknowledging I have them.) Which once I do break the silence, he’s always been willing to reconcile. There’s never been a lack of respect or intention to hurt-there have been distortions projected at me without him realizing that’s what he was doing, but I have my own trust issues without congruency and needing to know what his congruency looks like. Which, I think we finally have an understanding to build from now but…yeah. It’s been difficult and how things started ‘cause of others’ interferences and me being made by others to take the fall for what THEY did (thank god he didn’t let me keep that blame and got his hands dirty resolving this beside me), as if it wasn’t already triggering to both our core wounds needing to heal, period. But like. My guy. You can actually break a silence, too, once you’re regulated. The only reason why they stretch so long is ‘cause 1) I really have no idea of knowing how much space you need (and am so used to people either stonewalling me or literally making enemies from ONE disagreement and having that be “my fault”) and 2) yeah I do get tired of breaking silences when they literally go on for weeks or months. Why is is this always accidentally on me. …anyway. Still waiting for an opportunity to say “I need you to break the silence sometimes, and this is how much time I need. Otherwise I’ll assume you need more or don’t want to resolve it.” I think the friendship is nearly to that point but.

[@gregorystinette8271]

So much knowledge, so little time. Shalom

[@ΓιώργοςΚ-μ7ω]

Is it ever possible for a DA to confess that they fall in love??

[@chastasteffan6684]

Yes

[@chloesato4942]

My guy is FA. So I always wonder if that makes me an anxious altho I’ve always felt secure about myself/feelings/emotions. Then I tried her quiz test & found out I’m 47% secure, 27% DA, 20% FA, 7%PA. Interesting no wonder I always need alone time to recharge myself after gatherings w/ lots of ppl.

[@Bradcb11]

My avoident girlfriend has broke up with me for 24 hours or a few days in the past,in those cases it was her fault so she apologise and explained,but this time I said some things when drunk that would really hurt an avoident by questioning her intentions,now she's said we can't be what we were,I try to give her space but have sent the odd message and got a reply but it's emotionless, not sure what best to do,many thanks love the videos

[@allaboardthegravytrain5987]

They won’t chase you because they were never really into you in the beginning sometimes it’s just really hard to find a partner in life and I feel like these people just choose the one that’s really easy and helps them during the time when they need help but once that expiresthey don’t really care what happens to the person they’re not very sentimental

[@marinajones2309]

Hi Thais, thank you for being such an inspiration to us all. I've been dating a DA for 9 months - I do love him and want to see if we can work things out. We broke up almost 2 months ago. I'm in no contact. Can see he watches me online on whatsapp - only social media we use. Gone on private. Question - how does a DA react to their parents when they realise they are DA and parents were responsible? Would love a video on the topic too. Thank you.

[@shoonyah]

DA behaviour can boderline a narc sometimes. Cold and asympathetic. We are all responsible for our emotions and should learn to recognize our sensitivity lvls. Why blame a DA even? Take charge of your inner world.

[@roshalllambert]

loved the video! all the points were accurate as always!!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@invisibleanalyst8226]

Interestingly, these Alien type DAs still wants to be friends aa well... Inspite of initiating the Break up suddenly & jump for another man immediately... What's this craziness about Staying Friends after Dumping someone?? 🤔🤔

[@KarenAnneBuchta]

How do i reconnect with my boyfriend of almost 7 years ...he has this wall up distanced himself from me and no communication for a day now, after an argument...this is the pattern that happens with us...i feel I'm more vulnerable and i always seem.to want to make things better where as his first action is this fear or flight...

[@Alice30254]

Hi Thais, Is 6 months broken up already a long time to for a DA ?

[@robbiewdrumm]

This video is about why the DA won’t chase you, yet other videos (including her own) address DAs coming back. They’re all so contradictory! “They come back after no contact,” “they won’t chase you.” What???

[@jacobproctor948]

Do you recommend going No Contact with a DA when they initiate a separation and move out?

[@Trueblue03]

My x just not so long ago contacted my friend for some help knowing he would tell me…. Then little later she posted a meme on a group chat that we had that’s about a year old… haven’t talked to her in over 4 months since last time we talked