FEELING DEFENSIVE WITH THE NARCISSIST

[@carolloraine223]

I have decided not to expend ANY energy with negative, bullying, disrespectful people. I've been NO Contact 4 mo. Feeling fantastic! Pray for them, move on,.and BE Happy! Thank you!

[@cheriperger2527]

Carol Loraine After years and years of trying and praying...”NO CONTACT” and continuing to PRAY is the ONLY choice that BROUGHT PEACE! What a blessing!

[@Jenniferde2007]

I have been No Contact for nearly 39 years and I am stronger for it. I wish the Narcs well and happiness in their world they have created. I then moved on....

[@5winder]

Amen, honey... prayer brings coals of fire on their heads --- which they richly deserve.

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

They don't even want you to pray. EVERYTHING insults them. Even prayer.

[@moonlightontheriver]

its not that easy if the narc is your own kid and lives with you.

[@kevindavis1281]

As a survivor of this horseshit, I love your positivity towards the mismanagement of us empaths. Our values are very important.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks...I'll do a video on empaths reasonably soon. Stay tuned. LC

[@sarahdixon2985]

Kevin what a great comment. True and affirming.

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

It truly is horseshit

[@wyndimoon7599]

I would love to sit with you and finally understand what is going on. I find myself back in cognitive dissonance and at this time I am speaking what I KNOW IS TRUE to keep it in the forefront of my mind and alive.in.order to not fall into the traps he is constantly placing in front of me. I at times handle it in such a way that is empowering to flow thru the shit with ease and no emotion and as soon as I am comfortable, he sets me up to trigger me and then I lose. I've realized that I am way smarter so why is this evil being always 20 steps ahead??😒😒😒

[@69LOLIN]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Looking forward! 😊

[@jerrys13]

You cannot reason with someone who is never wrong. I used to get into these insane unresolvable loops( which would turn into arguments) because I didn’t know at the time I was dealing with a malignant narcissist. Sometime I used to feel like my head was spinning after using truth and honesty, logic etc. and still couldn’t get anywhere. I believe it’s called gaslighting or crazymaking.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You can try to reason with the N or you can bang your head against a brick wall. Either way, you'll get the same results. LC

[@nubiankhaleesi2945]

Just happened to me last night-- i tell u its is USELESSSSSSSSSSSSS

[@quietmike4791]

Jerry S... I suspect I'm with a narcissist, but it's different than this video describes. Mine won't make a single decision for herself but tells people im controlling. She constantly lies about herself and makes excuses for her behavior saying "It was just..." "I was just...." "I was only...." She gaslights me in a unique way which I call the paradox of choice. This is when she presents me two options; I'll use cool ranch and nacho doritos as an example. She will come up to me with 2 bags of chips and ask "do you want cool ranch, or nacho?" If I choose nacho she would say "I thought you liked cool ranch I'm surprised you picked nacho." So I change my decision to cool ranch and then she says "But I thought you wanted nacho!" So I change my decision again, and you can probably guess by now... She uses silent treatment as a way to avoid taking responsibility for anything, and when lieing doesn't work. My life is like being trapped in quicksand, because the second I stand up for myself she'll call it abuse, but everything she does "is just..." .

[@susaville]

Jerry S Totally.

[@carolloraine223]

Jerry S Yes..This very thing happened to me. I was off balance and actally felt like I needed to sit down. He was also a big bully! No more of it and No Contact is the only way to go.

[@heidiaguilar1257]

So true. You are always defending yourself and it is so exhausting. I stopped and went no contact and my life is so much more peaceful.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Why defend that which needs no defense? LC

[@stephaniemitchellmitchell746]

Heidi Aguilar I spent nine horrendous years with my husband who was a narcissist. My reaction was a defensive rage when he pushed me all day. One thing he always said was that I did think I was worthy of being loved. Sick sob. Finally left me nine years ago and I am still recovering but do feel better off alone.

[@Gobi512]

It's sad when it's one's mother. The person who should love you forever.

[@69LOLIN]

@@stephaniemitchellmitchell746 ✔✔✔

[@69LOLIN]

@@Gobi512 Move on!

[@debrawilson333]

Validation will never come from a narcissist. If you get a compliment it's only because they want to set you up to take it away. Thus creating an emotional roller coaster with the mean sweet cycle. It's giving a dog a bone and then using that same bone to hit their dog over the head with it. The dog wants to remember their owner gave them a bone and blocks out hitting over the head with it because it so wants that bone (validation).

[@M_SC]

omg yes

[@SDeaneMalaney]

I was married to a narcissist who would treat me well for 6 weeks at a time. I could nearly mark my calendar by it. Then, bam!

[@nubiankhaleesi2945]

This is my BIGGEST problem right now. Im always defending myself or trying to. It is POINTLESSSSSSSSSSS, a WASTE, and EXHAUSTING. However this video has pointed out some real deep questions I need to ask myself. I know for sure this does indeed tie into my childhood where if we were accused of something, we never were given the chance to give OUR side of the story. No voice in the matter so often times I was punished for things I didnt do. But my eyes are opened now. With narcs, dont bother waste time defending yourself-- its useless.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for these comments. More videos are on the way. Stay your course! Dr. C

[@69LOLIN]

wasted energy!

[@Enlightened77777]

Agree…growing up I never had a voice! That was one of the first things I started to realize when I got older and the crap got more intense and I rebelled because I ducking matter too! All the same game with these crazy making machines. I started to speak up and speak loudly, unfortunately it only caused world war 3 in my family when I tired of their crap! I went zero contact with my family and am all the better having my sanity intact!

[@canduscanty8583]

Same here! Praying for strength

[@wildernesssparrow1156]

A pattern I noticed is the narcissist will often cook up the very thing they later condemn, for example "picking a fight" when things are peaceful and fine. A wise soul once called that technique, the "Bait and Bash". Funny, they are almost like a one-man circus of chaos if they have no one to spar with. It was liberating to one day drop the ball of their own argument with themselves, and observe instead of defend myself. I noticed how their projections were really self admissions of shame, put on easy targets so they could hear and mimic what an appropriate response might sound like. I think they use others to argue with themselves. I realized one day I had no obligation to defend myself, nor to explain anything to them. What a relief. Thank you for this video.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

These are really good insights! Clearly you've been thinking, to your betterment! LC

[@wildernesssparrow1156]

Thank you! Being raised with that ilk seems to bring out the "over-analytical" in me, maybe a survival tool?. :) lol. p.s. just saw your vid about the "Gotcha" they do. Woah, its similar to the bait and bash,....and also the game called "whack-a-mole" at amusement parks. :D Finding ways to laugh about it sure helps. Thank you again for your great vids.

[@princhipessa1969]

wilderness sparrow well said!! “They use you to argue with themselves!” That is exactly what I observed last call with my ex - I sat & said nothing as she carried on arguing with herself. She hung up on me ! Sends me a text “I can’t argue with you anymore, I’m sorry” 😳 wth?!

[@wildernesssparrow1156]

Ces, lol, oh my goodness! wth, right? Its hard enough feeling like an irrelevant sounding board to them, but then they project their own stink on us to boot. I couldn't help but picture Jim Carey in that scene from the movie Liar Liar, where he beats himself up in the men's room. Its like they have this inner struggle going on that only they grasp, but dern it, others around them must pay (and pay and pay). Baffling. Sorry you are dealing with that.

[@princhipessa1969]

wilderness sparrow I’ve paid dearly and still paying although I am in NC from her. Ha! I remember that scene well & you are so right about their internal struggle. She may be done beating up on me & possibly has found someone else to share her crazy with. At least we have these great videos to watch when we’re having weak moments!

[@buddha8910]

I think the biggest problem is that these situations become, and develop, into habits and patterns. Especially if you've been with a person a long time and they've attempted over the years to grind you down. It's as Socrates says "Know thyself". Once who realise what you have been living with, hopefully you can start to trust who you are. It's not easy. But worth it. Another excellent video. Thank you. Perhaps when I look at my ex I should see him stood in his school uniform. Because basically they're just big kids in an adult body, 🙂

[@meggy8868]

Your videos are the best yet. Clear and simple without too much pyscho babble.

[@LL-eg4er]

I learned to be quiet, he didn’t care to listen anyway. Then, one day, my mouth opened on its own and I couldn’t stop... years of holding back filled the room. When I finally stopped, I walked out the door while he was still looking for something to say. I only went back once, to gather my things. And just like that, I was done. And I have to thank you, Dr Les, without you showing me the way, I would’ve never found the door.

[@DebbieBlanke]

I am happy to say that I finally reached a point of being sick and tired of thinking of him as the poor wounded child, and seeing him for the wretched inconsiderate thoughtless hurtful ass that he is. The sugar coating keeps us trapped too long. I wish I'd found you a long time ago - I wasn't trusting ME that I didn't have to put up with his evil hateful narcissism. But sure glad I found you now!

[@hellogoodbye8760]

So true. I wish I had known this at the time. Our arguments would often escalate quickly. From random accusations, to me trying to logically point out why that was a blatant lie, ... And he would love to throw in the "why are you getting so defensive?" question...... which would usually set me off into a wtf tizzy. Crazy making. And I wish I had known that I didn't have to play this game over and over again.

[@69LOLIN]

I also played this game for years! But changed months ago..

[@lucyhaag]

“You don’t do life well” that’s what i get all the time... Thanks for this video! It’s soooo true! I’m struggling to leave a narcissistic relationship, but my life’s got much better now that I’ve learned to love and trust myself. Accepting my flaws and acknowledging my virtues has done wonders to my life. He’s been going crazy since then, but honestly, I couldn’t care less. I love me, and i trust my instincts and know my worth. I used to hear him say bad things about me and think “oh, maybe he’s right “... now i think “what? You couldn’t be more wrong”. It’s driving him mad. Ok. You’re free to go honey! I don’t feel like defending myself, because I honestly think there’s no need!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Go for it! I wish you the best. Dr. C

[@shoegirl39]

I use the analogy of Charlie Brown and Lucy from Peanuts. What does Lucy do to Charlie Brown every time she holds the football for him ? I was Charlie Brown & my narcissist was Lucy . When I FINALLY quit kicking the football, my life changed for the better ! A complete 180 ! ✅💯‼️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Great analogy. Arg! Dr. C

[@tayarishakur]

GlowGo Inthedark Wow 😮 That made so much fucking sense. That was truly a powerful analogy..

[@ldoiron18]

Thank you for these videos, it is helpful to know that I'm not the crazy one in this relationship.

[@robertcao8484]

When we don't get into the "ring", we are the winner every time. God Bless!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's a real good way to put it. Dr. C

[@Dr.RivkaEdery]

I cannot describe the enormous relief I feel right now, after watching your video, & reading the comments from other narc survivors. Sweet gems!! 🤗💚💗🤗

[@anniejay931]

Rivka Edery So agree!!!

[@dannielledoyle9469]

I feel the same way! So glad I stumbled onto this video and took the time to read the comments! Really eye-opening!

[@lena_4466]

So glad I found this channel today!

[@DeniseBond1984]

Man, I keep listening to your videos now and this one really really describes my life with my narcissist. I can't tell you how accurate your words are here. I feel like I can write three or four pages on this one

[@Pfsif]

Narcopaths are exhausting, it's like wrestling an Octopus.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Hadn't heard that analogy, so don't be surprised if I borrow it from you! Spot on. LC

[@CatsAreNiceMeow]

Pfsif HAHAHA! Perfect analogy!!!!!

[@frenchbutter]

Hilarious!

[@karenmessinger9609]

It's often like you are living with 2 or different people in one body. It's very exhausting.

[@michellenelson602]

Well put, thank you.

[@Gloria_All_Day]

It took me 21 years of married to a Narc to learn my truth then I split.. He never knew me and he never loved me.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

N's don't understand the nature of love. You're better off pursuing it separately. Good luck. Dr. C

[@Jaspertcrusty]

@@SurvivingNarcissism My husband will say why don't I believe he loves me? He doesn't show understanding to me .if I am sick he will get medicine but can't show Tenderness. thanks Jennifer

[@torrihoward9729]

Same here. Always played the blame game 😣

[@kidsmoked]

He loved the reflection you gave him. He loved your mirror. 🙏

[@joann5157]

How did you get away after 21 years? I have also been with a narc for 21 years, and getting away is complicated.

[@troll23-troll23]

Inside the person who is defensive is most likely a hurt, little kid too. If we have grown up with a parent who used us like an empty projection screen, we know the despair of not being seen who we are. This can cause panic in a child. I had to recognize in myself that those attempts at defending myself as an adult were invariably echos from much earlier times, accompanied by the same kind of despair, and this realization was quite painful. But it helped me to come to exactly those adult questions that Dr. Carter suggests: am I really that stupid, that helpless that I need that person's approval? Haven't I understood in the meantime that I can clearly differentiate between my early trauma and the adult person that I am who has come to understand her self-worth? Then I would find my balance again. But trust me, it can even happen to this day: damn, here I go, defending myself. Always another chance for learning!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes. Dr. C

[@taylorc8871]

Great advice. I especially grabbed a hold of "trust yourself." It's just crazy making how the narc turns everything around and your left thinking what the heck just happened. It's important to remember why the argument started in the first place and hold on to yourself. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

[@Butterflies-are-free]

Omg.... do people like you truly exist? Wholesome, true, without guile? I am so blown away. Thank you. Truly, madly, deeply........ and with all my heart.... thank you 💕💕💕

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you for your kind words. Glad you're on board. Dr. C

[@graciegg24]

Excellent! Empowering! Thank you so much!!!

[@starrhall8160]

thank you...I was in the dark,but, now I see...

[@reesedaniel5835]

Narcopaths will keep you constantly "on trial" defending every little thing you do or say that they can purposely twist or misconstrue. It's not worth the time or effort. Just get away from them or gray rock them if you are forced to work with them. They are a perfect example of the hypocrites in the Bible who walk around with a huge beam sticking out of their eye while continually nitpicking over a speck in the eye of their target(s).

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yup! At some point you just have to invoke the question: Why defend that which needs no defense? The defender is working too hard to reform the one who cannot be reformed.

[@breakthroughmoment1647]

Reese Daniel Beautifully stated.

[@bradmcewen]

This channel is so refreshing & concise, that it can save hundreds of hours. Every minute of rumination stuck is now deeply offensive to self. Learn, love (self first, others second ) & live.

[@breakthroughmoment1647]

Brad McEwen Yeah!

[@bradmcewen]

Surviving Narcissism. This a quote for the ages deserving of praise. Thank you.

[@colleenjohnstoncomedy3036]

Thank you for your videos I was raised in a personality disordered/narcissistic environment & it caused a lot of pain and problems for me as an adult. I tried getting help but I couldn’t even put to words what happened. Now hat I know what narc abuse is and cptsd I can learn the tools I need to combat this insidious abuse and not put up with it anymore

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for your good comments. Good luck moving forward!!! Dr. C

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Stay on top of the learning curve! Dr. C

[@sabina.T]

Thank you, sir! I haven't found anyone else who has explained all this so well.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks Sunshine! Dr. C

[@mariaseidi4764]

I pray for any person that is dealing with a narcissist in their life ,specially if it's a family member or another person you can't disassociate yourself from,it's horrible ,they will drive you crasy ,and watch you crash and burn(with a smile in their face)... accept that you are in a no win or change situation and live (him,her ) before you waisted years of unhappiness and regrets work in rebuilding your life,regain you mental peace and emocional stability ,you can do it...

[@CatsAreNiceMeow]

You’re spot on, as usual! My narcissistic sister makes derogatory comments directed to me then looks at me to catch my reaction. I’ve finally learned not to respond and feed her supply. I slip up occasionally but am staying vigilant around my sister as much as possible. I can’t cut her out of my life completely but have been creating distance so I don’t have to interact with her as much. I’ve even resorted to lying to her which I hate doing but I must for sanity 😂 Shes exhausting and beyond immature! She’s 63 and I’m 47. She has the EQ of a five year old! Very hard to comprehend and I majored in psychology. NPD is one of the most perplexing personality disorders!

[@Fluffimuff]

Thank you for sharing that. I'm 61 and my sister whom I'm finally realizing must be a narc has all her life goaded me, then seemed to take delight if I got upset. Her favorite when we were kids was.. "Oh is the little baby going to cry now?"..Fast forward, she still seems to enjoy it.. Many many examples through the years, but the most hurtful was when she friended my ex husband s new younger wife on Facebook. The one he left me for.......Why? She's also made multiple positive comments to me about this woman through the years in an effort to hurt me. When my son was graduating and my ex and I had not yet finalized the divorce, this new woman showed up with him . My sister was there with me and couldn't help but comment on how petite she was and how cute her dress was. This was because I had shared earlier about my anxiety and pain in having to share this graduation with a woman I was being replaced by and how insecure I was feeling. Looking back I see how cruel it was. But since the husband leaving me was also a narc was not able to call her on it then. Hadn't enough insight. But fast forward, last Christmas Eve I drove her home from our family party. We rarely connect anymore so was expecting to catch up. Instead I talked and she had her nose in her cell phone like a disinterested teenager the entire time . I finally realized she was not engaged at all, so just stopped trying to talk, and just drove. About ten minutes later she stops texting and says in her usual somewhat condescending voice, "Now what? Why are you so quiet?" I said it seemed she wanted to text so ... At this she rolls her eyes in disgust and shakes her head at my ridiculousness. I hate this because its so juvenile. I'm a mother of four adult children, seven grandchildren and don't interact with people this way. Including her. Sadly I'm realizing I have to keep our relationship shallow and distant to preserve my dignity and not get sucked in.

[@rachelmartineau8102]

Lisa Loveskittycats I have a similar sister she is 60 and I am 50 yrs old treated me like I am stupid all my life. Can't tell her truth of her character ended up in arguments with how dare you. She is silent right now and I am so happy. She would always throw some digs and insults aimed at me. I was never argumentative . Kept quiet. I couldn't even plan my wedding in front of her, my mother was trying to protect her. Well she never married and I am married 30 yrs now. She makes fun and belittles my relationship that I have with my husband.

[@jcszot]

Lisa Loveskittycats you’ve implemented the “Grey Rock” method. It’s hard for us to do and takes practice, but it sounds like you’ve got it nailed! Good for you! 💪🏻

[@rdsginia7499]

One of my sisters has tried for years to bait me. I've been gray rock with her for most of my life. I learned early on that defending myself and arguing with her is pointless. She knows the truth. She simply doesn't want to hear it, much less admit it and likely never will. She's gone to extremes to antagonize me - hanging out with my ex (slept with him?), badmouthing me to my kids, a life-long smear campaign against me, sabotaging my relationships, ridiculing and humiliating me in front of my friends, barging into my home screaming at me and my friends. I went no contact with her nearly 20 years ago. Still, she tries to get to me during special occasions such as when she stood up in front of me at my oldest son's high school graduation, blocking me from seeing him receive his diploma. When I calmly asked her to sit down, she turned and screamed at me in front of hundreds of people. I didn't respond. She even went so far as to scream at me in our dad's hospital room while he was in a coma and on life support. I looked at her blankly, then turned to my other sister and asked her to get a nurse. Two days later, she screamed at me in the hospital lobby. I looked at her blankly again, then, said "I love you" and walked away. She has tried desperately to make me respond to her attempts to make me jealous of her. I look at her and think, "How ridiculous", then say something like, "That's nice. I'm happy for you". I've made attempts at being proactive such as asking her to go for family counseling. with me She refuses.I would be thrilled to have a mature, heart-to-heart conversation with her. I'm up for that, not silly, junior-high level antics. I love her, I simply am not going to allow her to destroy me while she simultaneously thrives on the energy she's drained from me. So, to anyone who has a narcissistic sister, I feel for you. Conserve your energy. Preserve your dignity. Go no contact, stay gray rock during family events.

[@zukoher]

The beginning story with the kid is also great marriage advice. Don’t take the bait with insults and get to the problem.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Simple concept, but it requires inner calm. LC

[@gaillewis5472]

Thank you so much for your direct and objective counselling style. Most other people on You Tube who discuss the nature of narcissists will use it as a platform for venting about their own families or exes. It is so refreshing to be informed without hearing a victim's tale.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you. Dr. C

[@ninababy8]

The worst is to work for this person. Never coming up to standard. Micromanaged. Perfectionist. It’s abuse.

[@zsuzsa5873]

"Anchor down in self trust". I so like this. I find these videos very helpful in that they give actual tools in developing more self awareness which I think is the key in relating to all kinds of people in our lives. Dr. C is so clear and articulate!

[@JennyverseLive]

"Handing over your personal stability" is a BRILLIANT way of putting it.

[@breakthroughmoment1647]

Self-empowerment is the antidote to narc abuse or any kind of abuse. Like you said, they're wounded children. Compassion and understanding for Their pain is definitely a shift from victim to victor. Thank you for this video.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks. Self-trust is the key. The narcissist is in a constant fight mode, but a self-trusting person feels no need to engage. Easier said than done. LC

[@heidiaguilar1257]

Breakthrough Moment no need to engage, so true.

[@gill426]

Eeeh I'd have to concur this argument. It is partly liberating absolutely but the problem is that depending on your childhood experiences and depending on your codependency, you can overdo the empathy and it reels you right back in. You have to be very careful there.

[@aquagirl9228]

Realize you will NEVER get the TRUTH from a narcissist. Narcissism and the truth go together like oil and water!! Thank you Dr Carter ❤️🙏

[@deniser7894]

Thank you for the therapeutic questions I need to ask myself when interacting with a narcissist! Please keep them coming

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good comments. More videos are on the way. I hope you subscribed so you can be notified. Dr. C

[@BobSmith-vq3uo]

Great message - staying "anchored down in self-trust."

[@chaosdweller]

Real high need for control..., very well said.

[@heyfunny3036]

Thank you so much for your videos and clear, compassionate explanations. I've spent the last several decades unraveling the gaslighting that has shaped my relationships. The only way I have been able to even begin to find a measure of self esteem was to leave the situations completely, and stop the spiral of abuse. Healing has been a multi-layered process.

[@bluejemm]

This is such a wonderful video! It can be a very lonely and difficult road when you have a deeply narcissistic family member. I know what it feels like to constantly defend yourself against baseless accusations. Your words are such a breath of fresh air! Thank you❣️

[@70schild420]

Living like that can manifest a poor physical reaction not only mental.stress brings out physical difficulties

[@KarlaReeves]

the best revenge is write a a book on your life with them and make morey , get healthy mentally too . thats where i am at in my life publishing my book. I am blessed living well and i am getting councling its been 18 years . FREE AT LAST!! learning life's lesson learning moving on and most of all finding my own self worth . thank you for your videos Dr.Les , god bless you for all the people you help heal .

[@jondough679]

INDIFFERENCE AND HAPPINESS

[@muhlissuh__]

The more videos of yours i watch the more clarity i get. Ive been watching various narc videos for the past two weeks and have been contemplating a severing of ties from family members. I keep thinking “who do i trust?? These videos or family??” But really the more i watch the more i KNOW what i am dealing with. About 80% of what i hear out of your mouth applies to my interactions with these people. Everything that has happened to me the past 8 years, the sadness and loss of self identity etc. im so so done! Im leaving this to my husband to accomplish because its his family and i have been more hurt and more emotionally manipulated by them than he. Prayers for his strength and fortitude in this endeavor is highly appreciated. We should be cutting things off sometime this month.

[@andreabuntpercy]

The fear that comes if the narcissist is successful in isolating you, is real. If he's alienated friends and family, where do you turn when you feel he might be the next person to disappear on you? That's scary. I grew up and lived in cities all my life until I was sixty. In cities it's ok to be anonymous, especially if you have a partner and you're middle aged. But I learned something important in my 60's when I moved away from my husband into the country (We did still see each other once a week with visits between our abodes).... The lesson was, if you want to survive in a rural community, you better cultivate some friends around you. The bonus in that was discovering the joy of having supportive people around me, independent of my husband's reach! People who regularly acknowledged what I was saying and let me know I was an OK person! Wow!! It's easier than going alone, I can tell you.....

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

My mother turns every single thing into an argument. Its exhausting. The other day I heard a loud noise and turned my head around...she saw me do it and turned it into an argument. Even when trying to reason with her, it's useless. I'm sick and tired of it. This shit has been my life for 30+ years.

[@paulabrown5243]

Thank you , this video was what I needed to hear. It is most hard when your mother is the N in your life and even though I am 56 now it is still hard at times to accept that she will never change and be the mother that I need. What is strange to me is out of her three children I seem to be the one who gets targeted by her N ways. I am very caring and reliable so that's probably part of it. I will try to remember this video to curb my anger when it builds. Thanks.

[@theresaheggen4313]

Same with me my mom told me she didn’t want me to start with test my brother and sister are loved I’m no g Contact it hurts but less dramatic

[@randallblanchard4534]

When you land a valid criticism on a narcissist, they will invariably turn-it-around, on you, and they will say that you do the same sort-of thing, and get you to doubt, yourself -- that has been, my experience .

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Somehow, they are the Victim. I call this boomerang communication. Dr. C

[@heatherwhittaker6169]

I actually get a physical pain in my stomach around these people..I have to stay away as much as possible...I have finally realized that I miss the way I wish they were, and am best off on my own.....because their company is hurtful and depressing for me.....

[@juliecamechis1737]

Excellent, applicable wisdom that doesn’t make me feel overwhelmed in a difficult situation. Thank you for your helpful and insightful resources-they have become a life preserver to me

[@barrypascoe960]

Absolutely perfect analogy, exactly what it is like, I used to think dementia was creeping in and eventually discovered this Dr. Carter. I have never tried to explain to my children what I had been subjected to, I put it down to her dementia and drinking, I later find that they thought I was abusing her. This was part of Her Lies My Abusive behavior was - "Not doing as I was Told". She often told me "She was "Up Here, I was down there." "She is a Queen". and me - "A Nobody" The end really came last week when she wished I would... "Kill Myself". Up until then, I had always thought that by being calm and never reacting when she would physically abusing me on several occasions, by my calm responses to her rants I thought she would see would recognize her bad behavior for what it was and change her ways. I now see there is no way she is ever going to change.

[@clarabartha1737]

This is exactly where I was at back in the fall when I discovered these videos after thinking to myself those final questions of does this person really determine my worth after escalating to nonsensical abuse and me finally realizing how wrong that behavior and this whole thing between us is, how much I don't deserve this treatment, and how damaged this narcissistic person really is on their end. Once again Dr Les, a perfect video of you understanding this ridiculous dance that sometimes we're beholden to for various reasons, legal, financial, familial, moral or otherwise, and therefore have to "manage" until an exit strategy can be executed properly.

[@rockriv2238]

Absolutely amazing. I wish I'd known this stuff 20yrs ago before I got married, but I'm free 3yrs now and it's fantastic, except that she plays games with our daughters, even though they're adults she messing with them really bad. Stay strong and persevere guy's

[@wildernesssparrow1156]

This is excellent. Thank you so much for sharing this. The insights you have gleaned from experience are priceless.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good words...thanks for taking the time to be an encourager. LC

[@perfectday777]

I think that it would be helpful to share some examples of what to say when confronted by a narcissist.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Duly noted. Check out the video, Feeling Defensive With The Narcissist. LC

[@carolloraine223]

They like to engage in as many debates knowing full well you'll react in a bad way. Thats their game!! They feed off of it. I chose to do nonreacting and dumped him. What a relief! Hes like a child.. never grew up. I'm done raising children. I've been No Contact, have regrouped and taking my life back... feeling so great!! No-one has to put up with it!! Take charge!

[@ziziscorsese9475]

Dr. carter, you are helping so many .... blessings upon blessings to you. You have opened mine 👀 . Danke

[@lambchop6278]

Once again: truly brilliant. Thank you Dr Les

[@nuyael]

I take notes as i listen. I recommend that to everyone who is listening your videos. You are definitely one of the best.. I know i will pass this after i listen all of your and some other videos on youtube. Friends please please take notes and read those often even read all day. We don't have to lose this battle against sick people we are better than them...yaay! We are better, we are stronger, we have people like this doctor these good people are on our side. Narcs have noone and they don't bother educating themselves unlike us. We will win We will win We will win Stay strong friends Love you all...hugs

[@carolynedgar1090]

Les, you help people so much! Especially today as narcissistic behavior has exploded, and if someone encounters several of these people often enough, they will think something is extremely wrong with them. The hyper-narcissist's find social media as a playground and do much damage to people's mental states, especially young pre-teens..how I wish they could stumble upon your messages today.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for the good words, and yes, the earlier our youth can learn about all the non-narcissistic traits, the better we all would be. Dr. C

[@shipratrika2586]

Was raised by narc/psycho mom, wouldn’t say raised, shutdown, numb, frozen till I turned 40, siblings, all the friends, narcs/psychopaths all my life..not sure if any healthy people exist? Sometimes I think is there something wrong with me. How can the world be full of narcs. Luckily my dad, husband and kids are empaths. But we are surrounded by them..hard to keep them away and if we do manage to, feel isolated

[@joannasaad298]

I had to watch this video 3 times and take notes 😂🙏🏻Thank you so much.

[@GC-ms4dj]

I finally got so angry and fed up with our adult narcissistic son last week that I went through the house removing all pictures of our son and telling my husband that the only way I think I can deal with our son's treatment of us is to tell myself he is gone. My husband told me we lost him a long time ago. (Our son doesn't live in the same state, thank goodness.) Now I am educating myself about being an empath to our narcissistic son. Painful realization! Painful experience!

[@IsadoraDoll22]

I love it when they accuse you of being defensive and be the one who always want to "fall on your feet" :D

[@michelekurlan6489]

As I viewed this again I felt the impact of being raised in a field of landmines with zero strategies for soothing and reassuring ourselves bcuz nobody knew how. Not my folks. Not my sibs. Self-harm, severing ties,geographic cure and other forms of retreat were the strategies.. we never truly got it together let alone connecting and functioning om all cylinders in the outside world. Getting along with others has been very tough. This is so helpful. Thanks Again Dr. C and forum

[@thefighterinside3981]

My husband literally drives me crazy. I can't talk to him at all. Everytime I try to talk to him about issues I have he just turns it around on me. He starts talking about me in any way he can.

[@MayJunemom]

I just want to say that my EX husband used the threat of ending our marriage which kept me fearful since I was a stay at home mom for many years and thought the breakup of our family was not an option. I finally reached my breaking point, and I filed for divorce. These videos have helped me affirm that decision I agonized over for years. Wasted time! These people do not change! I now have a career and a peaceful home for my kids. I ended a 24 year marriage. Peace to all of you struggling.

[@foxyred1015]

" Pleading your case" Exactly! This is what I've been doing for years until I was finally discarded by a narcissist. What a wake up call! Thank you!

[@robinmurray5266]

Yep, control obsessed the N is. I worked with a woman who was an N. I would actually often vomit before work. I had to leave my job because I knew my health was suffering. When I left she picked a new target. This business can't keep help and the boss won't do a damn thing about it.

[@robinmurray5266]

Jeff M Got another GREAT job that I enjoy. Boss is great as well. There is one woman that tries to give me all this gossip. She ask me one day, "Your always so quiet." It was basically I won't talk about others. I replied, "I just do my job and mind my business." Then she wants to know what I think of this person or that person. I just smiled and said, "I really don't know them well but I don't like to talk about people unless they are present to give their opinion." STOPPED HER IN HER TRACKS! Set your barriers from the start of a new job!

[@suddenlyhope]

I have my character questioned in front of my children. I am afraid if I don’t defend myself, they will believe him. They are now treating my with the same disrespect that he does. He even said I was probably poisoning him, then, when I defended myself, said, I guess you want to keep me around to pay the bills. Then another time he said I was going to shoot him (because I own a gun and he hates guns). Makes me worry that he is thinking of these things himself and is projecting it onto me. I am seek a divorce. If it doesn’t kill me first!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

The defensiveness I refer to in this video is more of the adversarial, argumentative variety. There is certainly a time when you stand up and speak your truth. Then when you are derided for it, you simply say (no defense) "nonetheless, that's what I think." Thanks for these words. Dr. C

[@torrihoward9729]

Watch it. They do a lot of blackouts. Mine did that's why he's in jail 👊 and I have peace 💕

[@lookingforwisdom-t6p]

Get rid of the gun!

[@69LOLIN]

No offence intended, but wouldn't it have been a good idea...to laugh out loud about the poisoning and ask him what kind of poision he would he prefer?

[@naidaspencer627]

My ex on the surface would look a lot like a Narc but really he was suffering from Schizophrenia. he would accuse me of trying to kill him and saying things I did not say.

[@frenchbutter]

Loving your videos! Please post more. Your voice is very soothing too btw.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you, and stay tuned. Dr. C

[@laurabethf3915]

I agree! Best channel I've found on narcissism.

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

Thank-you, Dr. Carter. This podcast helped me a lot. I'm adding this one to my surviving narcissism, collection, too.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it was helpful!

[@surfsmurf3802]

Thank you. I have been battling for 10 years with my narcissist, now ex narcissist, you know how sometimes people just put things in words that you already know but you can't quite click on it well suddenly I just clicked on it because of the way you presented it so that was incredibly helpful. There's still a lot of things I need to do on my end and I realize that and they've been difficult for me I guess it's about learning how not to make a bad situation worse and it would be helpful if I could let a lot of s*** go but I'm a Cancer and it's hard for me to let stuff go LOL but thank you very much

[@yellowrose7736]

Anchor down in self trust. Such important words. I wanted an attachment for so long...and after so long of being ignored and treated like the housekeeper, his opinion doesn't mean anything to me. :(

[@huwhiteknight8867]

With a highly skilled covert they will communicate you don’t meet their standards, yet not communicate it. I truest believe I may have had one of the most highly adept coverts, as I still see her as the nicest, most agreeable person in the world who slowly made it clear I would be on her program, think her thoughts, and never be able to talk through any issues. If I tried to talk with her about my perception of what was going on in the relationship, some things I’d like to maybe have to a little differently, she would say, “those are mean, awful things you’re saying, it’s like you don’t even know me.” I would say, sweetheart...”it’s just this one thing we’re talking about, not the entire totality of you.” Nope, still mean awful things followed by either subtle queues any further discussion would be met with emotional width holding or a complete discard/abandonment which she did 5 times over 3 years. I’ll admit I begged my way back the first 4 times, but the last time it had been 6 months, and this time she came back to me. I don’t know if she subconsciously knew this time it would completely destroy me. It’s been a year and I still don’t feel like engaging with the world. I have to force myself to do this, and I’m starting to get tired of all of it.

[@karenmessinger9609]

A narcassist can truly make your defensiveness, easily look like their defensiveness. They are truly masters at what they do.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Their defensiveness is hidden in their offensive nature! Dr. C

[@1RPJacob]

The question is _"do I really this need narc person around me"_ . if a narc dies tomorrow in the car accident. How quickly can you "be back on the horse". When the answer will be about a week, all problems with narc in your life are will be gone, she/he starts behave good.

[@Zoey-xm9jn]

I make sure I relisten to these videos to make sure all you say stays in my brain Dr.. C...

[@Lola-mt1ne]

fabulous video and so right on.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks Lola. LC

[@fashehc]

This guy is GOOD!!!

[@shellbells339]

My sister is a pathological liar. I'm pretty sure she is a narcissist. She always reaches out to me with chaotic problems seeking advice. or saying she needs to just vent. and every single time during the one sided conversation she spits out a huge lie or childhood falsehood. when I say lie, I'm talking about pretending to be a retired RN and gaining home health care employment based on it when she's never been to college. she has children. I get worried.. And so when I call her out on these lies, she actually believes them. then it turns into a all out arguement. knowing how private I am.. she always goes to Facebook, bashes me on her wall, private messages to extended family, and even friends of mine. my friends have showed me the things shes said about me. and its so embarassing as i feel i have to defend myself. even at calm times when i havent engaged her on her lies. she has done such a job at playing the church lady victim and painting me as this horrible verbal abuser that I have skipped the last 2 family reunions. i dont speak much to family. and Ive stopped using facebook. she uses our bond as sisters, family, blood ties as a manipulation tool to work on my guilt and I end up engaging her time and time again. she pushes buttons and angers me to almost rage.. no matter how hard I try to ignore her lies .. I end up getting confrontational. idk what to do about this. I feel like I need some type of permission to let her go. 😭 I just had to get this off my chest.

[@Texasborn99]

Would u do this to yourself? Then don't allow her to do it to u. No contact. My narc dad and his wife hooked me into their web many times for 2 yrs and then one day I just told myself ...nope life is too short. Goodbye. I don't have any family except my kids and that's alright.

[@SBecktacular]

very similar story- you will eventually learn like i did and go mostly no contact... the guilt and the self-questioning is the worst bcus of the number they do on your head... 😪

[@mountainmermaid8]

If your sister is pretending to be an RN to get jobs, she is not just a narcissist, she is a con artist. This could be criminally prosecutable. I am not a psychiatrist but she sounds like a full-blown psychopath. You might want to consider turning her in to the next employer. You may save a life.

[@1Hopeinhim]

Either walk away or accept her behavior. The choice is yours. You're in the driver's seat.

[@kesmarn]

These videos have been so helpful. Thank you so much. Les, I have an intuition that you are a sincere Christian (not in name only), but you keep it separate from your relationship with your clients (which is a very professional thing to do). Yet the wisdom shines through. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's the vibe I'm getting. Kinda hoping it's accurate.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You noticed! Dr. C

[@kesmarn]

Thanks, and God bless you.

[@sandybanjo]

Thank you, again....!!!! In my case, the narcissistic was in control ......But no more.......I was a captain for a major airline, and I quickly learned some "do's and don'ts" in communication with the crews and first officer.........boy, did that hit between the eyes!!!! I scare the daylights out of my spouse......touching some nerves........Not with authority, but some sensitivity and trying to communicating my take.......Of course, as you have stated in previous videos.....and my Belief......Lord have mercy!!! Your prescription for self-responsibility and tact are priceless.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks Sandy...again! Dr. C

[@roblesd1]

Thank you for this video, Dr Carter. All your videos have helped me so much! Thank you! David

[@constancebarrett1398]

I dont trust my mom. And that's where my fear comes from. But I'm working on myself so I trust myself now more every day.

[@josephrumpolo7328]

I survived this garbage also and your videos are spot on DR. THX, JOE, I bought a few of your books, these people are people I feel very very sorry for what a shame!!!!

[@marileegrier8483]

Les, thank you again. I'm reading your book. You save my sanity.

[@pinksurvivor4996]

Your videos have helped so much. Thank you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're welcome! Dr. C

[@meggy8868]

Just learning about narcissism in the last few days was like having an awakening and I wished that I had been smart and had had the saavy to counter it in the past and not fall into the traps. As well as being flashed back into all sorts of terrible abuse situations, I was also in a terrible mode of grief over the loss of my beloved boy. But today, something different, something simple happened. I asked God through the power of Jesus Christ the King to remove all darkness from me as show me the light of truth, and all the bitterness and wallowing in the pity slid away from me and I felt only sorrow for those who were so caught up in themselves as to not be free in Jesus. I really am free today. I can't go back and I only want to look forward as only one truth remains for me: Only those things that you do for God, last, I still have time for a lasting legacy, not one of bitterness or anger but something of value. I am not saying anything to those who are caught in a terrible reality right now, but for me for whom these things are past, I will not let them into my future. I hope I am being clear. For those trapped, learn and leave and heal.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Sounds like you've experienced much, which makes your words all the more poignant. Thanks for taking the time to share. Dr. C

[@mdmmalou]

Sometimes I've to listen mutiple times to 1 video. Trust is a big one ☺ Thanks a lot!

[@jonnyblade46]

Oh dear ... I need to breathe deep and have a cup of coffee before watching this one. Defensive used to be my middle name (big sigh + face palm) These people are super experts when it comes to pushing you back. You always (always!) end up in the defensive positition with them.

[@barbara-annferguson4923]

When dealing with a Narcissistic personality defensiveness isn't a feeling it is a necessity in order to maintain one's personal dignity.

[@Beaumirabel]

Thankyou, I wish I had found this years ago. This helps me so much

[@taktoktek]

Do you trust you? That is awesome!! That is how I come to self when they attack me!

[@G2thesecondpower]

I have been trying to reframe my interactions with my partner exactly like this! If a child ( or your child) says "I HATE YOU" (and they will) it can be hurtful, but if you're a healthy person, you recognize that there is an emotion there that might not have anything to do with you directly, so you can get passed your initial reaction and start being inquisitive instead. I find this attitude a lot more difficult to take with adults that I'm close to. So, I'm trying to imagine that my husband is a child (because, let's face it...these "narcissitic" reactions, ARE childish!) and how would I respond to a child? Would I take it personally? No, not for long anyway. However, I have tried "non violent" approaches such as reflective listening, and boy--he HATES it. It doesn't work, he feels manipulated by it. He'll literally tell me he'd rather me tell him to F off than try that "NVC" BS on him, so...it doesn't leave me a lot of choices other than to listen non defensively, shrug my shoulders, and then go on about my day...

[@mrsmucha]

Super great video, Dr. Carter!

[@freetobememe4358]

You got that right on, can never measure up, thus, they find fault with everything I do.

[@cheche9528]

This hit the core !!!! Defense position pattern! Wow! This is very good! I didn’t thought of it, I aways pick up fight when he communicates with me. I feel am offensive because he chose his cover narcissist kids over me. They display very low opinions about me. Disregard me and vocally abusive towards me because they need survive by the power side! They had this needs to be in up hand. So I hold on this anger his I was Been unfairly treated . It dominated my emotions and behaviors towards them. Those questions are key to ask myself! Why do I need justice and there is none!