THE NARCISSIST'S MISUSE OF POWER, AND TWO BETTER ALTERNATIVES

[@ingejustavanderhelm5208]

Never let anyone take away your dignity. People will try. But hold on to your dignity. Hold on and trust your dignity. Your dignity will guide you.

[@karenbonnici6204]

I have done the " gentle path. " I was raised to reason and have reasonable communication. What I have experienced is that you cannot reason with an unreasonable person. I love peace, and avoid a fight at all costs.

[@Rev1960-i2r]

Spot on. I've tried the same.

[@marylim1494]

Better to quietly made plans to move on be it psychologically or physically before the narcs made a mess and even expect us to clean it up... since they receive no inputs from others and worse still, claim the best from others and scapegoat those who have helped them genuinely... see it all too often...

[@afakkobyab5982]

Narcissist is low on EQ, almost child like, undeveloped...they can't raise up to adult level and only thing they can do is to simply intimidate, use every means possible to drag individual down to their level. That's how they communicate.

[@abbiec1475]

I tried the same.. I'm getting tired. I wish I could get out of it soon.

[@VikingMom1970]

I am the same way, but the nicest people can have their limits too. It may take years but it will surface. And I wish it didn’t take me so long. 30 years

[@polskigirl8547]

Their whole life and thought process is rationalizing every thought and action for their benefit...

[@damianavegamaisonet7960]

Exactly

[@carolnahigian9518]

Narcisist hate if any one else Happy success!-!-!

[@kinesis4868]

Gently and quietly upholding your position & boundaries is your best weapon to preserve your autonomy. They will scold or punish you (withdraw money, time, validation) but your core position must be maintained. They are too broken and busy picking up the pieces of themselves to help you live your best life. They naturally have a destructive output. You can but try to live your life inspite of them, rather than with them.

[@KateReed2121]

I was married to this man for 7 years. Relationship lasted for 17. Just barely came across this personality trait and being blown away by how accurate it describes him. So incredibly grateful for divorce. Out 5 years now. Took me a whole year just to be able to relax. He stripped me of all dignity, confidence and self respect. I didn't know if I would ever recover.

[@angelacarleton9575]

I went back to college to get my confidence because I didn't have any left. Once I did I set the thing in motion and got a divorce from him. Problem is I lost out on money that belonged to me because he didn't want me to work. I wished I had gone back to work because I would have had ammunition to fight back harder!

[@tranquility9325]

Honey, you will not only recover, but you walked away smarter. You are a better, stronger smarter lady than before this happened. Trust in your new found strength.

[@maferlusu]

Did you have kids together? Because I have to little ones and that is why am staying with him

[@Bargains20xx]

They start slowly and test you, then when they see that you allowed them to they last out with even more

[@maferlusu]

Tami Miceli, I wish I could run, but in my case is more complicate it. We are expats living in a foreign country, and we as a couple we are from different countries. Right now, we are still living together but in separate rooms, because we live overseas. It is not easy but we try to keeping it peacefully because of the kids. Unfortunately he managed to influence all people that know me and he became the victim... it is hard to live in such unfair reality, I struggle with peoples comments... I ended up isolating from everyone because the way that they think about me.... he truly is a top manipulative person. Anyway... while we have to share a house, he does his life and I do mine, I can’t do anything about it but we spend times with kids separate from each other... I cut contact as much as possible.., am trying to survive and get stronger... I also need to re discover myself and get into what this new part of my life is going to be. I somehow have to heal

[@teresadexter9965]

I was assertive in a loving way......I was compassionate and conscientious yet this Narc was still nasty and derisive..... afraid to let me be free and out of her control...... politeness stands no chance!!!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Politeness does not change the narcissist, but that's not the goal. Dr. C

[@lovemagicandroad]

Teresa Dexter I agree! They trample you, lie, cheat, steal.

[@Daniel-yh9dz]

I shall take my power back! Narcissists live in fear, they aren't free, they are fake. So of course they'll envy, and hurt people who don't have to live in fear, who are free, who are real. They don't want anyone to be able to have what they don't dare to have.

[@Cinemagoer_64]

Yes it is about humility and integrity and civility. This is cryptanite to the narcissist. As a silver bullet is to a werewolf!

[@amydonnelly1511]

For a long time, I questioned whether these people were extremely dumb or extremely sneaky and just plain mean. The reality is, you can give “dumb” people direction and they then try to do better. Narcissist don’t believe they need direction on any matter. I don’t mean the word “dumb” in a derogatory way, I just mean people that weren’t taught right from wrong.

[@Libra_Girl.]

My ex believed he had a handle on me from the inside out for sure. He told me he knew me better than I know myself. My entire relationship with him was a power struggle with him trying to control and manage every thought in my head and everything I said and did. But here's the thing, I started to realize he wasn't okay with me having a different thought, view, or opinion from him on any topic or issue. So I just started agreeing with him about everything and you would think he would be happy with that. Nope! He then asked me if I really agreed with him or was I just saying I agreed and seemed very put off that I was agreeing with him all the time. There's no way to make them happy. Even if you bend over backwards to make them happy it's still not enough. They're never happy.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So true. Dr. C

[@valeriegriner5644]

I was married to a narcissist for almost 28 years and he was also an abusive alcoholic. He criticized EVERYTHING about me. Now I realize that it was his way of "justifying" his own bad behavior and multiple affairs he had....from the start! You know....the old "my wife is a bore and she doesn't understand me" line. I'm relieved to be OUT of his "harem!"

[@nickiex9417]

I experience the very same thing. This is very true. Very. They are never happy, never.

[@faithfulservant200]

Wow, that's what in going through now

[@BamaSquirrel]

Yes...they do know the us that we see in them...like a mirror, we were seeing our reflection in them and vice verse, they knew we seen through there narc ways when they seen themselves in us cuz we all treated them with their own narc behavior. If that made any sense, I am horrible at explaining it at times cuz it can be so dang confusing. I have to laugh sometimes at the thought of grieving an illusion also 🤪 definitely no contact is the way...hard during the times when you miss him but we must remember that it’s not them we miss, it’s the illusion of them we miss. Like a fictional character in our story of our lives they are.

[@meera2531]

Brilliant, enlightening, succinct video Dr. Carter! I love the way you emphasize decency, goodness and dignity. It can be very hard to be good and kind to the narcissist after years of covert abuse, slander and manipulation coming to light, but yes you are right. For our own values and conscience we should try our best to be decent with the narcissist. They are unwell, disordered, traumatised people and they would do the same to anyone else who posed a threat to their false image. The endgame is non-engagement. Do whatever you think is right and best for yourself and your family and live your best life. Emotionally detach from the narcissist, go low contact and humbly go about your existence. Work towards being kind and loving. They will go crazy for attention and control. And if the narcissist goes into a violent discard mode, record their behaviour, involve family and friends you do trust and make sure with gentleness and rationality show the others that the narcissistic person is not behaving in a good and healthy way and that you feel the need to distance and/or protect yourself.

[@ennvee1970]

Meera 25 that was the best discard that I have ever heard 👏🏽👍🏽💐❤️🌈

[@meera2531]

Enn Vee, it's thanks to having one good and empathetic parent, my father, and good friends and guides and a very strong spiritual nature since as early as age 4 or 5. I rejected the unfair and bad behaviour and rules from early on. I rebelled. I fought back. The slandering started early, the poisoning of my brother's mind. I realise I was a very big threat to my mother's false image. Stand firm in your truth and make good relations with everyone else, and be a good and rational person. Destabilize the narcissist with as much decency as you can and show those who need to see it. It's not as easy as it sounds, and I'm still in the end game, discard phase with my covert nmom. I think we attract or call forth the narcs in our lives as these are the obstacles or challenges or the sharks we need in our tanks, to grow in strength, courage and peace. In the words of Ekhart Tolle, challenges such as unconscious people are blessings and tools to growing in consciousness, centeredness and presence.

[@amydonnelly1511]

Meera 25 Everything you said is very good! We can’t become like them. The biggest threat to them is our ability to remain kind and level-headed. If we go off the deep end, we’ve just provided them with what they live on, narcissistic supply. All we can do is try to enlighten their victims if we have the opportunity

[@meera2531]

Yes Amy, that's true... All we can do is use the experience of them to become better people. Anything we do as a reaction to them, is to give them supply. It's actually very sad to see an aging narcissist as they get erratic and out themselves on their own by their talks. Many people after a certain age have enough life experience to know a narcissist when they see and hear one, even if they don't know the term. The idea is to definitely not become like them and to try to be kind to them while protecting yourself and your interests. It is painful to have to tell others your own parent is this way. At the end of the day you know it's not entirely their fault but that they are knowingly trying to harm your interests, put you down or sabotage your efforts. It's like having the opposite of a personal cheer leader, which is what a good parent is. It's like having your own personal critic.

[@meera2531]

Enn Vee the seemingly best discard has come at a high price of losing my father to ill health ostensibly caused by the constant feeling of stress, being unsupported and under fire of my Nmother. He loved her a lot and cared about her well being above his own all the while being unable to trust her and keeping her at bay. I realise this now consciously only 3 years after his passing and my mother's mask slipping and falling after 3 years of her milking his death for sympathy and to manipulate me to over care and serve her, and eventually appearing very phoney to me. It is a painful realisation that he may have lived longer if it weren't for this stress.

[@SRS4859]

Dr. Carter, this is by far your best video and if it were possible I think this video should be made mandatory for all high school students. We only need look around at the state of the world---the damage done to good hearted people who are impacted by the narcissism of a few. Every point you so perfectly explained is as good as it gets to understanding the dynamics of truly unbalanced humans.. they have no idea the damage they do. nor do they even care.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Wow! Thank you. Dr. C

[@peppertree8244]

This AND the 'Flying Monkey' talk!

[@jpmad2689]

Absolutely the best video I've seen that pulls me back towards me. I don't want to lose my soul because of their disorder. I miss the old me because of my desire to resist them at all costs.

[@123raven4]

I think your teaching videos should be taught in school!!!!😊

[@esmeralda132]

Have a meeting tomorrow (at a public restaurant) with my narc brother, about Mom's alzheimer's care. Have had a knot in my stomach since this morning, dread. Boning up on these great videos, thanks for saving me. 😘

[@tawnytuppence5573]

Thank you, Dr. Carter. To me, your message is to take responsibility for your own peace and dignity, and allow others to accept responsibility for themselves as well. It’s never worth it to engage in a negative way. I like your compassionate approach in this and every topic, and your encouragement toward self-mastery in the presence of people who are being difficult. Thanks again!

[@DailyPaily]

I think these 2 alternatives work better for recovery, not when you are actually dealing with narcs. They dont let you breath, think or meditate . No contact is the only way.

[@jameyhirschman9045]

Dailion Ando You’re so right and even when you try to go no contact they still want in

[@amydonnelly1511]

This is dead on Dr Carter. I’m dealing with a situation right now that this pertains to. The narcissist is bullying me and I’m quietly standing my ground. In the end, they will believe they’ve won but in reality, they have lost. I don’t care what they feel about it. I will know in my heart that I’ve won. It truly is baffling to try to understand their behavior towards innocent people. It’s pure evil. I have such empathy and sympathy for other people. The narcissist just tries to come up with ways to use unfortunate people and then tell others how they’ve helped them. It is sickening to say the very least. Please keep doing what you’re doing. You and our Father in Heaven have helped bring me up out of a pit and given me strength to help myself survive and thrive. I know that God put you in my path. Thank you for all you do and may God bless you abundantly!

[@DrNancyLivingCoCreatively]

Always learn here. Much appreciated. This one reminds me of the words of a feminist philosopher: that we live practicing "power WITH" rather than "power OVER." That kind of community inspires me. I once was called too humble...I like the addition of assertion and your modeling. That I can embrace. I have a belief that our ability to care may be one of our greatest gifts.

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

So beautifully said.

[@COACHCLCHEER]

There is nothing any better than waking up and finding you on here and listening to every single word you are saying. And for once I am not having simple PTSD, crazy flashbacks with family that were this way, as I am seeing that is all my classic textbook life I lived for decades. Thank you!

[@sarafox5792]

👌👌👌

[@denyseletourneau2008]

Your terrific videos are Christmas gifts. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your guidance and wisdom.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're most welcome. Thanks for such kind comments. Dr. C

[@simonec.8253]

I feel the same. This knowledge may save lives! God bless.

[@betweenames]

Getting me through. Thank you endlessly.

[@gracerc6154]

To get along with the narcissists in my life, i must go along with their reality. This has become intolerable to me. When I try to discuss or confront, or defend nicely, they deny or say I "misunderstood" them, or go into a rageful attack on me, etc, etc. My calm openness simply gives them ammunition against me. I then become the unforgiving, unChristian, judgemental, evil, unhelpful, etc person. Yes, I can "nicely" go no contact. The Bible says " from such, turn away". II Tim. 3:1-5.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

It also says they are "always learning and never coming to the knowledge of the truth." Dr. C

[@un-diluted7444]

@@SurvivingNarcissism ...exactly. bec they dont want to learn and change.

[@BamaSquirrel]

YES!!! This was so the same with my ex narc ...it’s like we all dated and had the illusion relationship with same person

[@angelawade1445]

I too had to go no contact with a couple. It is the only way to find peace. Especially if you are a person who believes in fairness and kindness. You have to witness them mistreat those you love dearly . I find this hard to tolerate if I am a witness to it. May God have mercy on their pitiful souls.

[@daringgreatly8473]

The narc’s sense of grandiosity is so big that almost everything insults them therefore they are always trying to get even. I know how this is and never understood what I did wrong. Any assertive behavior or statement will injure them. These videos are so helpful! I watch some several times.🌸

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

Thank you, thank you, Yes, this has been my experience, it is not possible to get out what we want to say and there is no reasoning with the narcissist.

[@dottyp137]

Thank you 🙏🏻, for your rational and reasonable guidance. Really helpful and informative. Many of us have never been taught how to be in the world, we’ve spent our lives navigating the world of narcissism, and probably picked up a lot of dysfunctional coping mechanisms. Can’t thank you enough and I hope you continue to mentor us in your loving way 💕

[@wanderer0617]

Dr Carter is wonderful.

[@knarf_on_a_bike]

"Love and humility." Beautiful. "Gentleness is strength". A mantra to internalize. Thank you.

[@lettygonzalez7041]

I have been with a Narcissist for 18 years. Thanks to ur videos I am learning what he is. He spend so much money, lied, abuse and cheating. I left the house, but he keeps pulling me in. I am so broken, hurt that I don’t seem to be that strong person I was. Listening to ur videos is helping me. And try to get my faith back. I have no more strength to deal with this man. I need peace and calmness. He rob me of all my dignity. So thank you. I need to work on myself. He just doesn’t accept I need to move on to heal. You are helping me to get a handle on this toxic mess I am in. And how to get away from his failed promises of he loves me and will be honest, and not cheat on me again, and again. RIGHT !!!

[@breakthroughmoment1647]

You are right on the money. Real power is the ability to stand in one's own truth and maintain our humanity despite other people's objections and protestations. Thank you, Dr. Carter for reaffirming that.

[@jbtalt]

Wow, I wish at 19, 20, 21 years of age I would have had this advice! Feeling under relentless direct attack, I "fought back" in the wrong way for sure. Maybe things would have been different if I had taken a different path to dealing with the Narc ILs. I just didn't know better! I didn't realize I was engaging and fighting with a possibly traumatized 3 year old, mentally speaking. We do the best we can with what we know at the time, but the longer I "fought" with the ILs, I now realize I was permitting damage to be done to myself. I know better now, and will do better now! Thank you, Dr. C!

[@ciaragrey5523]

My dad is a narcissitic bully. I have been left with no choice but to walk away completely. The game environment is not sustainable. I have learned the only way to stop the narcissist is to starve it. If it doesn't have anything to use it will look for other sources. The false guilt I had all my life up until now is gone. The hate and anger that was wasting me is gone. I'm still "fly paper" for nacissists but I can spot them coming now and save the trouble they bring. Life is good now.

[@bygrace2me]

"Not many people have the kind of insight into life that I have..." "Well you didn't filter that through me now, did you?" So accurate. What gets me is when the narcissistic person uses gentleness in their power grab...it looks so innocent, and yet is so destructive. I think what really makes the difference is whether the person you're trying to influence truly has the freedom to make their own decision, and you can let that go. I think it's a good point about protecting the other person's dignity and their autonomy as a free agent. We control our own behaviors and manage our own thoughts and feelings, not someone else's.

[@sunshines4555]

EXACTLY, I'm not supposed to have any money of my own, pick my and buy my own clothes, pursue my interest, wear makeup, get my hair done or anything else I want to make me feel special or happy.

[@brettfoster6786]

Nope . you can't reason with a narcissist . crazy making . Hitler was a narcissist . he only wanted blonde hair and blue eyed people . He had black hair and brown eyes . crazy narcissist crazy .

[@daringgreatly8473]

It’s so tempting to lash out at these narcs but ultimately I can’t find it within myself to do it. It’s not natural for me. So I take a deep breathe and be the kind person that I am. I am accountable for myself and I have to live with my choices. I choose to be good to people. If the narc wants to play games, punish, withhold etc that’s on them. If they take my kindness for weakness, which they do, they will be in for a rude awakening when I say “no!” Because I can be kind and sustain strong boundaries. But I absolutely will not engage in negative power games. It’s not authentic to who I am. Great video! Oh, and about the “tit for tat”’...what I’ve noticed is that it’s never based in reality. They are seeking revenge and repayment and punishment on twisted or imaginary things. They will do this or won’t do that based on what they think others have done. It’s a weird perspective on justice and fairness. It makes no sense. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good thoughts. Dr. C

[@sunshines4555]

Oh it's made me ugly

[@dianefarley37]

@@sunshines4555 Yes!! You can't help it sometimes! I can't always hide the anger! There's always too much crap going on at the same time.

[@amydonnelly1511]

Dr C, I was so happy to see you quoting the Bible in a reply to a comment. I believe every word of the Bible and the fact you quoted it gives me even more faith in you!

[@Arven8]

Dr. Carter, thank you for doing these videos. I'm a mental health professional and have worked with narcissists for over a decade, and I'm still learning a lot from your videos. I appreciate how plain-spoken and succinct you are. You provide a lot of high-quality information. You also seem to be grounded in some really good values. I'm not just a professional, but I also have a history of involvement with narcissists, so I can see many of the themes you talk about in my own story. Anyhow, I just wanted to express my appreciation for the work you are doing. I've watched a lot of KZbin material on narcissism, and yours is the best I've seen. Thanks for putting it out there.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Coming from one in your position, that's a high compliment. Thanks for these good comments. Dr. C

[@judithprins7132]

Dr. Carter your timing is impeccable. I am ever so grateful for this video as a validation to what is manifesting in my life. Every video brings me healing and empowerment to push through this darkness . I have has many narcissists in my life from childhood to adulthood. The same pattern if allowing the same narcissist with a different face in my life or in authority. I really do thank God for you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Received with gratitude. Dr. C

[@jdwright3277]

It's amazing how you get into the mind of the narcissist and you know exactly how to help us. God bless you!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you. Dr. C

[@charlesmunroe7081]

You have helped me so much! After 4 years of being a verbal punching bag, I got away! Thank you for providing me with the understanding...

[@mimijjustlife4953]

Thank you for such a lucid and accurate take on this sad but true personality type.

[@theforeigner6988]

Oh Dr. Carter... If you only knew how much you've helped me...

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased. Dr. C

[@pattymiles2688]

Agree 1000% with you. In fact, humility and kindness is the only way to navigate through difficult people. Especially if you’re married to a difficult person. It has taken me 36 years to realize this in my marriage. I think the only reason why the light finally came on is because I realized that the Narcissist was no longer able to push my buttons at all. Honestly NO power over me at all anymore. Thankfully I’ve never been required to live in a con stant barrage of criticism- just silence and total indifference among other things. I have been systematically rearranged almost to the point of no return. I do regret being soooo stupid for having made such a horrible choice in life as a 26 year old... now I’m almost 64. My thinking is I’ve spent this huge block of time by now- and because we only cohabit under the same roof and both seem to be somewhat able to manage ourselves in our solitude- I’ve decided to finish out this deal if I can. We have a handicap daughter and I’ve always been a stay at home mother per her medical needs. So truly - the game is over- the dishes are done. The rules have absolutely changed and it’s a new day in this household. I’ve already paid the price for my wrong choice as a marriage partner. I have my own friends and really I still want to run the good race. That’s truly the most honorable goal that exists. The Lord has healed my heart of all the bitterness and anger at the loss not just toward the Narc but within me for being soooo stupid. As far as I’m concerned what’s left is a gold mine of lessons in humility and grace and forgiveness and with the Lords help- I’m going to put one foot in front of the other and walk in it...

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for these good words. Dr. C

[@turkeeg7644]

Thank you for this. I am finally coming to terms with my family and their abuse. My parents are truly dangerous and finally called out their abuse of power their answer was ...well everybody likes power and control. Unbelievable

[@chinookvalley]

Spot on!!!! My stomach is in a constant knot and I'm tired of walking on eggshells. They have no idea of what dignity is. They have no idea of how to treat others with respect. This is person in position of trust - and power.

[@butterflymagicwithhottea9291]

YES! Finally, someone understands how I have been treated by many in my childhood. Naturally, I recognized the dynamic in the adults I attracted. Now, my hair is grey and things are quite different. Your videos could really help young people if these social dynamics could be taught in schools at all levels.

[@un-diluted7444]

this should be taught at grade school perhaps even at kindergarten. would save many lives.

[@butterflymagicwithhottea9291]

@@un-diluted7444 I completely agree. Social dynamics hurt more ppl than weapon do yet we teach children what to do in case of an intruder in schools. Words hurt more ppl every day than accidents yet we teach ppl first aid/ cpr courses. Anti-bullying and social dynamics should be taught at every level in schools. I am writing letters to make this happen.

[@un-diluted7444]

@@butterflymagicwithhottea9291 in my day it used to be called MANNERS. it was first taught at home then at kindergarten then at school. we had no bullies in primary school bec parents in those days watched over their kids not TV. a bully would have bn taken out on the spot.

[@un-diluted7444]

small children should be taught that words can seriously hurt ppl and that we can only have a good life if we consider and care for the 'next person'. LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR seems to have gone out of vogue and DISCIPLINE is considered an offensive word these days. all this is the perfect substrate to groom wild narcs once they are teenagers or older.

[@SophieBird07]

I replay your videos every time “my” narc gets under my skin. You really save my sanity. But this video really tops my list. And it truly works. Not continually, but there are fewer power plays on his part and I have even witnessed sporadic humility (!) and not just as an attempt to “Hoover” as they say. Narcs definitely respect a back bone, but maintaining one without confrontation and patience really is the key. Plus if life gets too crazy one has been developing strength to change the situation should the need arise. Of course it took me 40 plus years of adulthood to learn this and not get destroyed! But, learning is a life long process. Thank you again Dr. Carter!

[@brettneuberger6466]

Narcissists are powerful spiritual teachers. Not easy for sure!!

[@BamaSquirrel]

Yes...we definitely are exposed to and learn more that evil spirits also exist and not all are created by God, Satan also has power to create and his fallen angels who followed him down to earth are freely roaming everyday causing havoc and chaos with their manipulative mind games

[@amandaoldham2582]

Love this guy!🖤

[@jondough679]

Thank you Dr Les superb advice NEVER argue with a narc justify and explain once and ONCE only and be comfortable to say NO and accept they are nonsensical insane creatures.

[@BamaSquirrel]

Hmmmm debating with them when u have all the facts is quiet challenging and prepares us for all the rest of the narcs in the world we may have to work with or encounter in public

[@jasp1316]

Thankyou Les, I've been freelancing with a Narcissist and chose to be professional while working with them and not react to their controlling abusive behaviour in a negative way. I remained calm and clear about what information I needed from them to do my job. It actually made there appalling behaviour worse when they realised I couldn't be bullied or controlled. It was exhausting being decent and respectful while maintaining a positive attitude. When I finished my stint there I did question whether I should have challenged their behaviour but watching your video has made me realise I did the right thing. That individuals behaviour won't change, they're actually in a sad place and missing out on so much. I saw a frightened anxious person behind the bravado of power.

[@cuttingedge3344]

Dr.Carter, Your words are like a healing ointment to my tormented soul. Thank you!

[@katherineshaw1]

One of the most important things Dr. Carter reminds us is that we are our own selves. We choose who we are and how we treat others. I never had a label for narcissists, but I learned the type early on in my childhood. Something just told me these were unhappy people, almost like they were missing a "piece" of being human and that nothing I did would ever "change" them. It has been my experience that the best technique for dealing with these folks is to keep them at arm's length. True friends and loved ones desire the best for you and offer you acceptance and support, and above all respect for you and your opinions and thoughts. Dr. Carter is teaching us what signs to look for....and that's so important! To those who don't think so, I will remind them, if a bridge is out over a river, wouldn't you be glad there were signs ahead of it to warn you? "Forewarned is forearmed" in a sense. Beware those in your life who never, ever offer you a single good opinion of you, your actions and your opinions. Thanks, Dr. Carter. Wishing you and yours a very happy and blessed Christmas and good health, prosperity and peace in the coming New Year. P.S. One last observation...Dr. Carter, why is it that I've never once seen a narcissist ever express gratitude or genuine thanks to anyone?

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Expressing gratitude and thanks is an expression of love and humility. These traits presume a lack of entitlement, but the presence of kindness, traits lost on the narcissist. Dr. C

[@katherineshaw1]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Thanks....it's one of the "clues" I've used because it seems to be something of a commonality among narcissists.

[@kesmarn]

@@katherineshaw1 I'm so glad you brought up the point about the narcissist's inability to say thank you to anyone. Definitely the case with the narc who has done so much damage in our family. From early childhood on, she has refused to thank anyone for anything. Also have you noticed that they almost never have a genuine, whole-hearted laugh? It's usually very mechanical. Their sense of humor is totally warped. The only thing they really find funny is when bad things happen to other people -- as in, one of their "enemies" falls down a flight of stairs. That they think is hilarious.

[@katherineshaw1]

@@kesmarn Very true...also, I've noticed that if the narc is in a group of people they hope to impress, they can say "thank you" but it will either follow or be preceded by something like "Well....thank you. It's not something I've ever wanted," looking at the gift as if it's something awful or useless (just like the giver, you).....there will always be something "wrong" with anything or everything you do. Nothing will ever be even just "okay."

[@kesmarn]

@@katherineshaw1 , true. There's no end to the sense of entitlement.

[@charleslemos7972]

Dr. Carter, I can’t thank you enough for your insight. My last relationship from which I am still trying to extricate myself was with a covert narcissist. At first, I thought he was just an introvert but a series of events and then repeated pattern of passive aggressive behavior, outright manipulation and triangulation led me back to see my therapist who recommended this series. You have literally sparred months of anguish. Granted I am not completely free from him as he owes me money and holds against my will property of mine. But since the relationship ended I am more my old self. During it I was physically and mentally exhausted from it. I spent two and half months helping him build his hair salon in San Francisco working 80 hour weeks for which I didn’t get more than a verbal thank you. Instead when he broke my hand he refused to take me to the ER citing a lack time. He habitually broke every promise, every commitment he made. On my birthday, I asked what the plan was and he sent a text (cause only communicates by text) saying he was busy and going to celebrate someone else’s birthday coincidentally on the same day as mine. When I brought it to his attention, he was apologetic promised to make it up to me and never did. I was buying him meals and groceries as well providing him with favors when he said he had run out of money but then he went out and bought himself a $70 shirt at Body. I had invited him to opera. He agreed to go. I bought tickets. The day before he started to make noises about not wanting to go. He didn’t. I ate a $75 ticket and he has my evening jacket and pants which he hasn’t returned. You are right about Mike being fear based. It was always about him. His fears overwhelmed him. I was a tool to be used and used me he did. And once I became aware he was a narcissist, my reaction was first to do nothing until a problem arose. Then I called him out on it. And he then subjected me to yet another silent treatment. I am done with him but I am going to get my property back.

[@JCB.PSALM_23_KJV]

Humility, Goodness and Dignity... thanks Dr. Carter. Reminds me of reading the wisdom of Proverbs. Not playing the foolish or wicked person, but the opposite and seeking enlightenment from the Higher Source.

[@tammyturney9201]

Dr. C, you hit the nail on the head with this one! My ex literally told me that he couldn’t handle/deal with/tolerate me living my life differently than him. He used religion as the excuse for why I was wrong and he was right. He absolutely had to be in control in every way. I still find myself tiptoeing around and not saying or doing things that he didn’t approve of, and we’re not even together anymore. I really wish I knew how to respond in this humble way when we were together. In all honesty, I didn’t. I either avoided an argument or got very angry and defensive when there was one. Thanks for another insightful video.☺️

[@littlelulu4107]

I'm a magnet for Narcissistic ppl...manipulative, horrible beasts, some of them brag about their exploits and laugh while singling out a victim. I feel sad for them now that I know what it's all about...they do not know any different. I'm getting better at setting boundaries though

[@sunshines4555]

Yes... they enjoy hurting others 😢

[@harleyquinn5774]

I’m a magnet for Narcs as well. As someone with mild Autism Spectrum Disorder I give off euphoric easy target vibes to them. I only recently realized via watching these Narc abuse videos that I have lived most of my life surrounded by more Narcissists than I realized.

[@BamaSquirrel]

Empaths and compassionate people are always a magnet for the opposite which is the narcissist 😝 set boundaries and do not allow another narc to break through your wall cuz that wall is your protection which they only have intent to hurt and destroy

[@Butterflies-are-free]

So grateful for your wise, insightful counsel. Thank you,! 🙏

[@deak1deak1]

Jesus is the perfect example of love and humility...Amen

[@mindyholiday8391]

They are afraid to let you be you!! He is absolutely SPOT on !!

[@LostHorizon52]

This was simply beautiful .. The exact same thoughts I have had so often over the years .. Thank you for putting it so eloquently into a single video, very nicely done 💕

[@lemkbarger1]

SO MUCH TRUTH! Our daughter dealt with one for almost 2 years. Wish we'd listened to those that warned us in the beginning. If you're a young lady in a relationship with someone like this - RUN! They won't change. You're only headed down a destructive road. So thankful to get our daughter back. She was being destroyed before our eyes and we were the fools dealing with a fool

[@jenniferwarwick4904]

I have found your advice to be very sensible and your words have given me the strength to continue this difficult path with a narcissist that I have loved for over 30 years. I will choose decency and goodness over power. I have to live according to my values.

[@SLJ1943]

Thank you so much. I can look back and now recognize all the narcissists in my life, starting with my mother.

[@HeyHeyAlabama]

I've enjoyed these videos tremendously. Thanks for putting them out where we can have some idea of what's going on and how to deal with it.

[@kgr5421]

This is helpful from a cognitive perspective. What is missing is the Narcissist's predatory instinct to find our most defended wounds. We can only find our own loving and humble centers by healing those wounds, otherwise we are a puppet for the narcissist to use for their own needs.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Excellent point. Dr. C

[@waynepret142]

I've experienced this! Their need for power over others when they should be gaining power over themselves and their lives.

[@denisealderton9791]

They want to control you but are totally out of control themselves. Their explosive anger is awful and I used to cry my eyes out feeling so hurt. Then anger and resentment to the narc. I finally got away but went back more than once for more abuse stupid me!!! They don't change, well mine didn't. Have finally left for good. Will never go back. Happy on my own without all the dramas and stress. Had to leave my job also cos the boss was one! She was a real shocker. No narc in my life now and plan to keep it that way!

[@blissbliss3531]

1st: swiftly recognize these sickos, 2nd: RUN if you can or find a way to get away from them as fast as possible.....3rd: humility, kindness, logic, rational thinking, never works with a psychopath narcissist, been there done that, 100% DISENGAGE and never look back.....FREEDOM

[@judylee2051]

Right on..run with all the kindness you can, but run!

[@dshe8637]

And get free as soon as you can. Decades of humility, kindness, understanding and being a better person will leave you just as desperate for the freedom, but also weaker, slower and less able to get away. You will lose too much of yourself and your potential. Even the strongest person ever will be affected if they stay long enough.

[@sanciaanderson7950]

My husband who is a narcissist, separated, came back after 14 months and discarded me in 48 hours cause I liked a pic of an ex in 2017, then he put up pics all over insta with ns saying how blesses he was, then messages even sayin we need to talk. I want to go ahead with the divorce, I said ok. No crying no pleading . He was confused . Said he will start the process in fall. Recently with the virus he was mean to me saying ur gonna get the virus so go get a job don’t depend on me, I said ok thank u. Then he messages sayin am there for u 🤷🏻‍♀️ if u need. A day ago I got to know the city he is in is flooded and he was evacuated. I asked out of human decency if he’s safe . He responds in irritation he’s evacuated again and next step out of the blue asks me my add, I ask why doesn’t answer cause wants to set me in a frenzy wondering if it’s the divorce or is it something else. I call his friends and they say he’s fine he’s busy getting drunk . Such a vile person

[@BamaSquirrel]

How do we run when our country is full of them 🙄🤪 Democrat’s, socialist, Islamic crap ...they are all in our own government with divide and conquer for their agenda to bring about the collapse of our Constitutional Republic 😩😡 this experience with my narc has only opened my eyes to see and recognize better what we have to deal with and there’s no negotiating with them as we all know however, to submit to the control and fear would only lead to downfall so we must stand firm and stand for our Constitutional Rights and Republic ❤️🙏🏻🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🙏🏻❤️

[@tinabarwick4143]

Thank you ! I have narcisstic mother and father and at the age of 60 I have gone no contact with my mother, she is 84, my father has dementia and I was his golden child and he is in care, I do visit and have found peace with him. Your videos are so true and honest. I have found a new me and a sense of Freedom, I intend to live the rest of my life to the best I can. My realisation moment was when my husband was diagnosed with Cancer earlier this year and I found no comfort from my mother, it was my Ah Ha moment!! Everything you say is spot on and I have found comfort in your videos. Again Thank You x I am sure you helped many with your advise and I feel very lucky to have found your chanel. Long may you continue to help those in need. To everyone reading this you can do it, if I can anyone can and find your inner peace xx

[@curiouscarpenter3152]

Dr C...you must have the most well adjusted kids on the planet!

[@mysticat7652]

This was excellent! Spot on! Thank you Dr. Carter. 😄

[@rachelb4235]

Wow...when you said they want to control what you like / need, it hit home! I've been watching your videos as I've dated a couple of narcissists but the last one certainly didn't come off that way in the beginning. It took over a year before his personality changed but I am definitely seeing a correlation with his actions and what you talk about. Thank you for making these!

[@redwhiteblue9866]

This guy is spot on !!!

[@sherrim4067]

Fear and power are partners. It's not a good combination. This opened my eyes. I used to hear " my way or the highway". When he argued it was " his house" . I started to realize it's not about " us" anymore.

[@sherrim4067]

I decided to use love and look with in and be the better person.

[@lorrainem8234]

Thanks so much, Dr. Carter!

[@christinalamb8531]

You have changed my life!! I have lived this way fit 20+ yrs. Have changed completely from who I used to be and thought there was something wrong with me. Until i started watching your videos. Thank You so much.

[@monalisa2662]

My husband is the King of our household and I am the loyal voiceless invisible subject. I want me and my power back. Watching this is a good beginning. I am tired of being a "stepford" wife. Thank you Dr. C for opening my eyes and giving me hope to survive my nightmare.

[@BookishNaturopath]

Very accurate ( based on my personal experience with these people). Thanks so much for these videos

[@audreybaird007]

Coming from being raised by a narcissist, the first serious relationship I had was with a narcissistic physician. When all was said and done, he kicked me and his baby son to the curb, and took off with his receptionist. I've spent too many years of my life avoiding doctors. I honestly would have rather died from a disease than have to deal with a doctor. But, Dr. Carter you are alright in my book. Thanks for all your great videos.

[@bonnieb5554]

Dr. Carter, your videos have been a Godsend for me. With them I have been able to pull myself back out of the emotional morass of a very counterfeit and emotionally tortuous relationship. Thank you and God Bless you!

[@jeanroeder5534]

Humility, dignity for ONESELF is a strong defense against those who want to ‘play games’ with our life and pull us down. That said, one must also be VERY FIRM about their own convictions, and VERY FIRM regarding the limitations set to veto the power and control of the narcissistic person that has wormed their way into our life. Speaking from experience, I’m convinced NO CONTACT is the best, if not only, way to remain stable. My words that ended that situation, “DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN or I will report you for harassment!” I can only assume they found a new victim.

[@funlovinbloke6266]

I had several conversations with my covert narcistic ex partner and most of the time it went like this: I am happy that you are so open, true and honest. A day later: can we talk again about yesterday or she was so angry the day after because I didn't do my utmost. That the way she confused me but it also showed, she didn't know what she wants. An insecure, angry person acting on fear is what she is.

[@choosepeacetoday]

Great message from Dr. C. Reminds of some strange encounters with the N husband. On the rare occasion that he “apologized”, I would mention it the next day and tell him I appreciated the apology. His comment: “ I never apologized or I don’t remember that”. Never do get closure or reconciliation.

[@eileencb]

I so greatly appreciate these videos you make. It has been such a journey, learning how to not only move forward but to do so with grace and dignity, knowing that I have help available. You have helped me realize fully that the behavior was not my imagination, that there is healing available, and that I can learn how to communicate in a way that doesn't leave me open to further damage. Please continue with these videos. You help more people than you could possibly know.

[@80808O]

Recovery from narcissistic abuse is very much an exercise in self-improvement . Videos like this really help build you back up but into a better you. I love the way your videos have such a seamless flow from receiving validation and empathy to instructions on how to make yourself better in the face of your difficulties. Thanks as always!

[@80808O]

Hah, I just got it. When you are a gentle person, this is a natural way you would engage with someone looking for input or facing difficulty. Which makes sense as we can assume Dr. C is a gentle person :)

[@SilentFigure1]

Incredible message inspiring me to forgive take the power back.

[@michellelabri3388]

Absolutely beautiful!! You are speaking truth and life! Thank you so much. God continue to bless the wise counsel you are giving. You have been used powerfully to completely set me free from the lies of a narcissist in my life. I feel so empowered by truth. Thank you!

[@michellelabri3388]

In the Bible, this manipulative, intimidating, controlling behavior is actually called witchcraft. I believe wholeheartedly that as we continue to imbibe in massive amounts of witchcraft in our entertainment, children's books, etc. that many are filling themselves with evil. We will continue to see this spirit operate in people unless what we fill ourselves with in our culture changes. Only the truth can set us free. Witchcraft is real, and people need to know that God is more powerful than witchcraft. He is the one who advocates humility and forgiveness, along with wisdom, as our true power over evil. Good advice, Sir.

[@sage9836]

Thus hits the spot. I like the way you explain concepts in a way that is completely down to earth and sophisticated.

[@barbaradenman8043]

Wise, wise words. I must stop reacting to the narcissist in my life, my mother. I not only feel out of control but dislike myself when I rise to her relentless abuse, the lies and put me downs. I must hang on to my values and be what I want to be, good and decent. I must remember that no one can threaten or change what I am just because they say so. Thank you so much. Your videos are a life saver in this lonely existence. So few people understand.

[@KellyOShea6366]

Broke that bind. Boundries are in place and he is aware of that control stuff. My choices aren't challenged anymore. It was hard, but he gets it. Good vid Doc.

[@sarahstrong7174]

Thankyou for sharing this information. Helping me to navigate forwzrd & decide my priorities.

[@theblissfullone]

Dr Carter, can you please consider doing a video on the Exit Plan. Preparing and how to, in terms of getting the narcissist out of your home.

[@theblissfullone]

I have concerns regarding anger, manipulations and vengeance that they might do ... (if a person gives them any time in terms of days or weeks, to find another place to live) ... when you may have to be away from your home for things you can not avoid, like work.

[@69LOLIN]

IMPO, you have to plan the exit but don't show any evidence. As if you are scaping from a prision. Be prepared with money a support group and also be ready for lashbacks, anger and retaliation. Do it in one strategic planned one, and fast movement! Or the opposite, in such a small pace that it can hardly be noticed! Voila! 👍

[@meera2531]

There will be enormous anger and lashing out. They will slander you to anyone who will listen. Prepare people around you in advance. It helps to record videos clearly showing the abuse and the abusive talks and behaviour to convince friends and family of what's going on. Change the locks on the doors possibly, so that they cannot get in. Maybe call good family and friends, whom you know you can trust, to stay with you for some days as the narc lashes out or makes attempts to get back at you. Maybe have a few people watch your home or stay in your home while you're at work, informing you of any moves of the narcissist. You should not underestimate an injured narcissist but don't let it scare you into not taking the steps. You should also lock all your valuables within your home away from the narcissist and keep the keys out of their reach or get a safety deposit box and keep them there. You have to be very careful about this. Nothing should be out and accessible to them to break or damage or hide etc. If you have a car you may need to park it away at a friend's place or different friend's places for a while after the discard by you. You should check the videos by Michelle at From Surviving to Thriving on things to keep in mind when discarding or leaving the narcissist. More than anything you know the narcissist closely and you should take all precautions. Also something which might really help you is to learn and implement the Grey Rock communication technique. This may make the narcissist discard you and move on from you, which would be a lot easier in your situation. There are many videos do look them up and learn. Take care and think smart. Protect yourself.

[@jeanroeder5534]

69LOLIN She is inquiring how to get the narcissistic person OUT of HER house, however, you are correct that one must be careful when they themself are working towards there own exit. 🦋

[@jeanroeder5534]

Meera 25 Excellent advice ❗️

[@Zoey-xm9jn]

Dr. C....he was every one of the words of what you spoke! I learned not to argue just let him do all the talking & yelling as I stood in silence. Finally he walked away yelling cussing words. I'm enjoying my peace & realize I'm fine with my own company!! I never hated him I finally realized I can't help him !!

[@etphonehome4511]

you make great videos....you explain it great.....please dont stop making videos ever....your helping lost people find their way....thank you for what you do!!!!!!

[@cliffp.8396]

I can where your going with this, as part of the totality of your teachings this tutorial makes perfect sense.

[@guillaumerusengo9371]

The best video I have ever listened to about World conflicts. This power game explained here is the root of all conflicts.

[@JR-ej9up]

A Few Notes. . . I really like hearing things like this. As it gives me a sense of community, with what I see and how I do things. . . I try for myself to hold my dignity without exploding into the N's grip of fighting back n forth. . . For me it isn't a show of how great I am. But rather how good I feel about myself with my own set of morals and codes. . . . . Also really liked the assertiveness part. As I have it in me very much. But sometimes I wait and sit back, especially while learning. . . When I do begin to show some self assertiveness, that is not even connected to the N. . . They have been known to take it as a challenge and go directly after me... . . . Believe me, with the training I am learning. . . I am standing up for myself more. And self protection now falls under my guidance. And not the N's at all. . . . . Also choices to continue ruminating over the N vs. focusing on building My Life. . . For years I was taught to sit and go to my head about all "They" Do. Everybody. But taking that energy to give back to myself in a positive way is worth the work in progress... Also. . . I have been writing alot on this channel. But not really listening... I think it's good for me to listen. As guidance and leadership type people were cut out of my life from parents. And a mistrust of having a good voice to listen to is foriegn to me... . . . Just hearing the voice of good reason, with head phones and Not watchhing the video, but listening is another good start to take in Connection. As I believe leading yourself is truly the way to go. But, Finding Good Voices That Can Help Too means a lot. . . . . . Thank You....... I like this video. Puts it in great perspective. And the thoughts I am having in recently in general, WHOA. !!! But they are all good one's....... Thanks. . . . .

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I like the sense of community part! Dr. C

[@kristabell5107]

So timely. It takes time to let go and rebuild but when you’ve grown up with narcissistic parents their hold is strong. It’s all so confusing which is why these videos help. Thank you.

[@pamiewatkins7354]

Thanks so APPRECIATE to move into decency and goodness and amen.love covers a multitude, cant affords the undecency and the bitterness.

[@terrymalonecorino2358]

I cannot thank you enough, Dr., because I never knew the definition and traits of narcissism and now it all makes sense to me. Thank you for providing such great advice on how to deal with this disorder in people I know.

[@sunbeagle9769]

Super information here, this was a timely message for me today. It is amazing how certain "things" can appear to you when needed, although never asked for.

[@therealspecialbean1878]

Most accurate description I’ve ever heard.

[@un-diluted7444]

seeking to manipulate ppl thru power games is really low life. we choose the high road and dont engage with that mindset just as the dr said in the video. we refuse to be driven by hate anger etc bc if we do the narc wd still be able to control our thinking. sure - it costs sg to exercise self-restraint and self-control but the price for the narc power player is infinitely higher. as stated in this excellent video. ppl dont want to be close to a narc or want them as friends in their circle. the narc is ultimately a lonely tragic figure. poor choices! sow the wind reap the whirlwind. just reading the comment section after every video tells us how many ppl want to get away from the narc and advise others to RUN. i find this very enlightening.

[@jeanroeder5534]

daniel6 victory 👍👍

[@nathaliedufour3891]

Exactly !! They want to shrink you. It reassures them.

[@perfectday777]

Thank you for this great video! Lots of valuable advice!

[@priyankakaushal2437]

You are doing so much good for so many of us. Thank you!

[@kidanecollins1420]

Another excellent video Dr.Carter.

[@beverleyschreuder5740]

Dr Les, I am immensely grateful for the help that you have given me to deal with my husband of 38 years. Your videos have given me several tools to use in my day-to-day interactions with him. You have given me insights that I only wish I had had as a young woman. Thank you very much indeed. Beverley