Feeling Guilty about No Contact with a Narcissistic Mother

[@narcbegone1507]

I don't feel guilty, I feel outraged that society expects me to feel guilty.

[@luv2cook.]

So how do u manage the not guilty feeling? Inquiring minds want to know? I go back and forth but when I’m not feeling guilty I get so much done and my health is better.

[@k.r.murphy4301]

@@luv2cook. I, too, was on the guilt/no guilt yo-yo until a few years ago. If I have a lonely moment, I jus remember the time she left me alone in NYC, at the age of 17, during the Summer of Sam, in an apartment she chose for me that I couldn’t afford, so she could move out of state with a man who would go on to molest my younger sister. I think of that or how she interrupted the Priest during my older sister’s funeral Mass or looking at the wreckage of my sisters’ lives and their adult children. Yep, I don’t feel a thing.

[@Tarotcooks]

👏👏👏

[@redpillreset1741]

Good you’re right, avoid them, there animals..

[@francomanca]

Well said... No guilty feelings... Just deep anger.... That transforms in indifference.... There us a time for forgiveness and it should be asked for... When thus time is passed... Forgiveness just can't be resurfaced anymore

[@Adz3224]

The problem is also that victims of narcissistic parenting are getting blamed or shamed by the society for "abandoning" or not maintaining a relationship with their parent. A lot of people don't understand what a real narcissistic personality disorder really is. They think of a narc as someone who maybe likes to take one too many selfies or likes to be the center of attention but can still be a loving parent or a spouse. So the term is really misunderstood and, especially children of narcs, are really suffering life long consequences for it.

[@michellecrocker8749]

Absolutely!

[@lizard1971]

Agree 100% well said.

[@Kevin.Anthony3]

I can relate to this. Narc parents give the illusion that all is well with them, because they have jobs dress nice, and are so calm out in public. Try living with them for 40 days and see for yourself just how little they love.

[@Corinna_Schuett_GER]

In addition, their flying monkeys would never believe if you told them the truth so you're the scapegoat always...

[@officialzacadammorrison]

That's why I'm happy when shit blows up. Like today's 'safe spaces' and leftism

[@turtlelife13]

You fear the guilt, because you were never taught to deal with your own emotions, you were taught to deal with theirs. They programmed you to fear the guilt, so they could control you. Get out. The guilt is a phase you go through, but once you're through it you'll be ok. . On the other side is health, and you are there.

[@TheAnianite]

Also, they used the guilt trip on us....and we have it as a blueprint. So reprogram yourself.

[@maudemathildeh335]

Tomorrow is my mother's birthday. She is in a nursing home but recently her side of the family verbally attacked me and have made my life Hell. So I am not going to call her nor will I go see her. Im sure they will make me out to be a horrible person but they are always making me out to be the Bad Guy. I do feel kinda bad about it, but my doctor advised me a while back to sever ties for the sake of my sanity and over all health. It may sound harsh but I cannot go around or communicate with anyone family or not, that make me feel like a piece of dirt. Im done with that whole side of the family. Totally Done.

[@Lovergirlstudiio]

I needed to hear this thank you

[@dusunenkask]

We feel guilty because this is the best way to use the child. Victimhood and guilty.

[@linneaxue427]

Get out while you can. Your health depends on it!!! It has taken me 3 yrs. of therapy and going thru hell but I am so much better off for it. They kept trying to suck me back in but when it didn’t work they let me know in my Bd card that they cut me from their will. Lovely family, huh? They can’t hurt me no more!!!

[@conormarren]

I've gone full no-contact with my whole family after years of suffering. Different country, changed number and social media. New beginnings. The anxiety is slowly disappearing.

[@womenofgodunited]

Do you find yourself extremely anxious in the beginning? I am have so much anxiety and this like sick feeling in my stomach?

[@conormarren]

@@womenofgodunited have you gone no contact?

[@womenofgodunited]

@@conormarren I currently am a single mom. I have chronic Lyme disease and so I am forced at the moment to live with my family. I am trying to implement boundaries right now and stay clear as much as possible. We do live in a separate area of the home which is helpful but it’s so hard to keep the boundaries when you are to some degree dependent upon them for your living situation. I can’t afford more than what they are charging me and they know that.....it’s a tough situation at the moment...

[@conormarren]

@@womenofgodunited Hi ! So you can't go no contact. In that case I suggest you go with the grey rock method for now, and get out of the house as much as possible and change your routine, find ways to have dinner with friends. They love to get us alone and at the dinner table!

[@womenofgodunited]

@@conormarren wow yes! When you wrote about the dinner table that is exactly what they do! Inviting my son and I to eat with them and then grilling me about my life and personal stuff. I am going to be looking for a new church. I need to surround myself with more friends because I do have a tendency to isolate a lot! I appreciate your time and suggestions. If you have anymore to add, I am open ears. Also if you have any helpful resources, I am open to this too!

[@snowbird9660]

I’ve been no contact for 24 years and I feel nothing but peace. When I was a child I was at her mercy and it was always a fantasy to never see her again once I was grown. I don’t talk about it to people anymore because people tried to make me feel guilty.

[@c45177]

You need different people around you

[@rockchick128]

I feel you. It really pisses me off when people judge you for not speaking to your parents. Saying things like, "you're gonna be sad when she dies" when they didn't live with you to see the kind of abuse you had to endure. This is the reason why we have all these mental health problems because society expects us to have unconditional loyalty because "it's your mother" and that needs to stop. The moral of the story is.... don't abuse your kids so they won't cut off contact.

[@nataliemira2073]

Exactly how I feel ! As a kid I would write in my journal how much I hated my mom and couldn’t wait to be away from her , I’m 38 now and still have limited contact and wish I could go no contact. People always try to guilt me like how would you feel if something happens ,,, Ita so upsetting cuz they don’t get jt cuz they aren’t In the situation

[@whoaskedyou.]

@@nataliemira2073 The hardest thing for me to do was to cut off contact with my dad 2 years ago and literally last night he popped up at my house. He's done alot and said alot of things about me and done things to me to last a lifetime

[@GetGrounded]

When you would make new friends or date. What would you say when the topic of family comes up? I’m in no contact and I don’t want to lie but I don’t want to tell the truth.

[@mdaze9753]

Not all mothers are created equal. Society LOVES to put additional stress on us to play Happy Families ... also the 10 Commandments of Honor thy Parent (BS). The happiest day - eventually - was when my mother died. She summoned one of her flying monkeys to come to my house (I had changed my phone number) to tell me my mother was dying and she wanted to see me ... I did not go. For months I struggled with that decision but eventually I came to realize that it was singularly one of the bravest things I ever did. Family members will be forever angry with me. The bottom line is THIS -- none of these people ever cared for me or loved me or respected my life. Why does it matter? ... I will say this, I could feel the inner child inside of me feel very distraught. She wanted her Mommy. She doesn't understand what Stockholm Syndrome is - the adult me does. I meditated for days. I visualized the child ... I allowed her to be upset ... then I visualized what love/acceptance actually looks like ... I told her that I would take care of her. I took walks every day. I ate well. I made sure I slept well. No alcohol. No caffeine. I surrounded myself with peace and people who loved me - for me. Gradually the child me merged into the adult me. We are one now. We are healing.

[@greenqueen2673]

What a moving testimony. Congratulations!

[@narcbegone1507]

You are an inspiration. And I'm so proud of you. Thank you for sharing.

[@lorimullen3680]

Sweet heart, I Love You!!! This message is from someone who really really understands deep down inside...

[@muhlissuh__]

I think the point of honoring your mother and father refers to a mother and father who love and honor God. “Whi is My mother and brother?? Those who do the will of God” -Jesus

[@_DeadlyNightshade_]

M Daze Beautiful.... I hope to be as brave as you

[@narcissistwhisperer]

When you said your mother was not on your side, but pretended to be, made you confused: I totally relate to that!! This was my experience, as well. That confusion made me feel completely crazy. Placing trust in her was a terrible decision. Thank you for making these videos! You are doing good work.

[@dvawva5197]

Yes!! Pretending to be on our side is cruel. It made me dizzy in my life. I never knew where I stood REALLY. In reality, I had NO ONE until I married--then, all heck broke loose.

[@tooakki]

Same

[@wagherbert]

This was great. My narcissistic mother had a really strong competitive issue with females in the family (so...me) and favored boys over girls. Critical of females, worshipping of males. When I realized she was setting up this dynamic with my daughter and my sons, I saw it immediately and cut off contact for their protection. They were still young and I felt guilty but it worked. I broke the cycle and my daughter has great self esteem and she and I have a great relationship. She has a great relationship with her brothers also. It can be done!

[@RicardoFerreira-rc7ux]

similar to my case. hope it runs well for you and yours

[@A.S2400]

Wendy Herbert mine too! And I have 3 daughters. So no more narc generational abuse. They have zero contact with narc grandma.

[@shiragreen1058]

this is true

[@shellcshells2902]

Wendy Herbert same here but on the edge of no contact.... horrible guilt!

[@dianetaylor7031]

My mother did the same! I’d been the scapegoat and she then literally picked on my elder daughter to be the scapegoat child. I didn’t know how bad it was until recently. Went NC 18 months ago. We are all so much happier now. Good luck everyone!

[@jasonduckworth]

I've been no contact for ten years. I done a lot of inner work on myself and forgive her....then when I tried to talk she through it all back in my face. lesson for me they don't change.

[@danell74]

Jason Duckworth they can't change, they can't be fixed X ever... sad..... but true

[@bumberClart1000]

Big hugs man. 💚✊️

[@jasonduckworth]

Pol back at you man 👍

[@bumberClart1000]

Jason Duckworth thx, Happy New Year 💙😉☝️

[@breanna9116]

They have to recognize they have a problem to want to change. The problem with narcissists, they are perfect in their own eyes. So Sorry it's a painful learning curb... Best wishes for you!

[@susanshaw4208]

This video is part of my mother's day celebration today. I am watching it for validation and grounding before I start my day, without my mother, and I will celebrate the good mother that I became.

[@InnerIntegration]

Big hug to you, Susan!

[@linneaxue427]

Wonderful! We should all treat ourselves well and be proud we were strong enough to walk away.

[@professorchaos9]

5 years later here I am on mothers day stumbling upon this video and comment. Stay blessed

[@ScentualBeauty]

Grey rock was not healthy for me long term. My N’s stories got more and more outrageous just to get any emotional reaction. I got really adept at grey rocking, but over time I felt like it was putting me into a dissociative state and I realized this was not healthy for me. My goal is to connect with mentally healthy people, NOT to spend time and practice dissociation with abusive people. After intense emotional distress, I knew that no contact was inevitable.

[@jennygao826]

I tried that too! And like you said it made it worse rather than calming her down. She tried to get me to forgive her but didn't want to finish listening to me or why I was distancing myself. And I was still upset at that point to forgive her (which is mostly about her in that instance). Fast forward I couldn't talk to her anymore just the pretentiousness of "oh you must be happy now that you got x" on repeat everytime we talked, even tho I was dying inside and very anxious about her constant texts. Anyway I had to block contact and today is day2. It's tough I hope I can deal with the "fallout" when it comes.

[@jeffyou6340]

Grey-rock is SO OVERRATED, yet it's the number one suggested option on places like these. I've shut up and suffered in silence long enough. No more!

[@sarahbartunek713]

This is exactly where I am at! My mental health is tanking so I have to go no contact.

[@MyArtEminence]

Okay I'm stopping the greyrocking and have had so many stories from my mom that sounds outrageous to the point where I question, "can my mom really be making this up or did she really just watch someone die in her arms????" My logic says... She's making this up to get a reaction and my guilt and shame says, man I'm being insensitive to what just happened to her... But hearing your story I see my logic is probably right....

[@karenr5870]

Exactly

[@SheTechs]

omg this video is a god send as at 53, I am struggling with guilt for no contact.... I feel 200% better than I did 30 minutes ago.... thank you!

[@sandraweinhardt9203]

Stay strong. You know you are right, all of us on here know you are right. Keep on being right and feeling great about that!

[@fumarate1]

Lol.

[@voicebistro2726]

You aren't wrong.

[@thepsychologyofcodependent2447]

My mom is a covert narcissist , her social mask is a victim , devoted and caring mother who is always worrying about her daughter, she abused me when I was a little child , when I was 3 years old she beat me for 1 hour with a robber skipping rope , I never had a sense of security , privacy , support .I went for trauma focus therapy since I had PTSD and was recommended to do a confrontation with her to let her know how deep I wounded after her abuse . The result is : she create a smear companied , false accusation , gaslighting and even call the police and lied to them that I am abusing her , which I never did in my life .Covert narcissist highly manipulative , vindictive , unpredictable pathological lier with no empathy to their child , it is impossible to correct , there is no human inside .....just run

[@glo.hardie]

My mother sucks. She's a police officer. The mix between an authoritarian and a narcissist. She has had boyfriends to abuse me. I've dealt with periods of depression, anxiety, and paranoia. I've just recently moved out the house. Just yesterday. It's extremely relieving. Because she's a public servant and has done good for communities people automatically assume she's a good mother. It's nothing but a public front.

[@bearifiablepau2095]

my heart goes out to you. xoxox :)

[@Yasmindems]

I can really relate to this. Although my mum is not a police officer, she plays such a good role at making everyone 'THINK' shes this amazing person , when in reality she is far from it.

[@cait3holtzback788]

Yup

[@arxsyn]

Yasmin It helps to think that "hey, l know the real you behind closed doors and I'm not the only one. Others can see behind the mask".

[@JayneTenn]

Your story reminds me of when I used to volunteer at a youth group. There was a young girl who was beaten up by her mom when the girl came out as gay. We were trying to get help without revealing her identity because her mom was prominent, and widely known in social work. Social work intersects with health care and law enforcement. I truly wish you luck.

[@pegasus5148]

A narcissistic parent cannot love you! All you can ever be to them is a source of supply. No one gets to choose their relatives. You are better off surrounding yourself with positive people who genuinely care. Learn to respect yourself and have boundaries. Learn how to be responsive rather than reactive towards people. The Narcissist, who is a sadistic person, is always looking for someone they can get a reaction from. Once you are able to identify these types, you can avoid them. Your narcissistic parent never wants you to realize that "you are being used." They also want to see others take advantage of you because this also gives them Supply. That is why your narcissistic parent never taught you about boundaries and how to recognize toxic people. You have to stop the cycle by waking up!

[@kamkam22100]

@kurt neill lol u make me laugh

[@margaretwebb6372]

Thank you, for the insight

[@pegasus5148]

@@margaretwebb6372 Absolutely 💐

[@margaretwebb6372]

@@pegasus5148 I know the pain! My Mom is a raging narriisitic sociopath. No contact again and feeling guilty 😕

[@pegasus5148]

@@margaretwebb6372 there's absolutely no reason to feel guilty and let me tell you why! Please realize that this person no matter the relationship to you, has no heart! They know exactly what they're doing and they enjoy hurting you! Never try to work anything out with them or blame yourself because they have this problem! The secret to them is; they are sadistic! There is nothing you can do to change that. They aimed to hurt other people because they simply get pleasure from it. They're going to pretend to be regular normal people in public but in private they want to get their kicks out of their targets. Do not allow yourself to be one of their Targets. This is not something like tourette's or schizophrenia where they can't help it. They know exactly what they're doing and they choose to manufacture problems and do things to screw up your life! Forgive them for being sick and protect yourself because you are not! They're going to blame you for everything to escape any liability and to prevent incriminating themselves. There is nothing you can do to change their statistic mind and as long as you come around, they are going to try to hurt you. Let go of them completely and focus on breaking the Trauma Bond. All abusers Trauma Bond you to them to make you co- dependent, so you will always stick around and tolerate the abuse, which helps them have their sadistic fun with you. No feeling guilty! Now is the time to learn all the signs of covert abuse and protect yourself! 💐💪

[@cait3holtzback788]

There are so many of us! I could read these comments for days. Some of us I would swear had the exact same mother. Strength and peace to us all.

[@妙右眼]

Not all mother who give birth to us is fit to be a good mother. If your mother really love you she will try to understand how you feel or she will do the right way to protect you and make u feel loved instead of giving you unnecessary pressure. She will also respect your decision or try to listen you out. She will always support you cheer u up instead of negative words to pull you down or make your lives miserable. Don't worry, we are not alone. If she really damaging your lives don't feel guilty for not contacting her after all this is yr life you have to be responsible for your own not her.

[@ABCviewing1]

I have this memory of her just appearing in my bedroom doorway. My wiring is adapted to this - now I can separate it and call it "dread". The dread that I'm going to be falsely accused, degraded, hit, deprived, humiliated and forced to behave like a subservient animal to meet a monster's needs.

[@adamv4951]

Very good comment. Thank you.

[@elirien4264]

妙右眼 Thank you.

[@TheOpelkoenjas]

My narc mother isn't even my biological mother, I'm adopted. And I recently found out the truth WHY she (and my adoptive and probably also narc father) didn't have a child of her own: because she simply didn't want to go thru the trouble and inconvenience of carrying a child for 9 months and because *BUYING* a child (!!!) was cheap back then (70's, West Europe). And yes, that's what she compared me with: with a dog you buy at the local pet store. She always told me that it was because both my father and her couldn't have kids due to genetics and physical problems, and I always felt sorry for them when she - repeatedly of course - told me that tear jerking story. Yeah, turned out that that was just again one of her million other lies. She simply couldn't be bothered to carry a child, let alone to care for a newborn, but gladly *BOUGHT* one that was preferably already potty trained and walking. And a female. Yeah, not a baby girl, but a female. Lovely to be referred to as a female and not a baby girl, huh. SMFH

[@alicegharibjanians1449]

Thé Opelkoenjas, you are not alone. I am sorry for your experiences but my family member did the same exact thing. She told me that she doesn’t have the time and that she doesn’t want to be bothered with pregnancy...so she adopted. I feel so bad for that girl, she is still searching for answers, while the parents look the other way, as if it is not their problem...they didn’t even bother to teach her about her roots and to be proud of them. The bright side of it is that at least they Re not blood to you. May be it would be easier to detach from them. Keep tour distance and find yourself. Good luck. Keep strong

[@lovinglife2232]

I stood up. It took the mother in me to come out and take a stand. My father and step monster (covert narc) aren't in my life anymore. It's been a relief. They don't want to work anything out, and choose no contact with me. I'm greatful for that. No more pretending that everything is okay, or pretending I didn't feel that snub in the kitchen away from my father's attention. That gaslighting I experienced so often that made me feel crazy inside! It's not me, never was! I am free!

[@lovinglife2232]

Yes, releasing the grip of abuse on my soul! I will meditate on that! We have the right of being sovereign!

[@danell74]

Loving Life here here!!!

[@adamv4951]

"They don't want to work anything out." And that is it in a nutshell, isn't it?

[@chellephillips349]

Correct, why would they when they enjoy what they are doing, from my experience i finally realized after many many years that i was banging my head against a brick wall trying to work things out with my mother & move on & get pasted the cruel mentality she raised me up on. The more i tried, the more she took satisfaction in hurting me & 1 day after lots & lots of rejection & constantly being put down i made up my mind to start to respect myself & my rights has a person & not give her any more power over me & let her go. I do know now that this is her problem & not mine. i do not feel that uptight feeling all the time when she is not in my life & the more i stay away the more i recognize how weak she actually is.

[@42kellys]

I have had the same experience, I have just had to relise that she is enjoying hurting me and she will never want to solve the problems between us, because she blames me for everything and she keeps saying I have to change. The brick wall is an accurate picture to draw what a conversation is like with her or with other narcisstic people.

[@lemurianchick]

I have come to realize that narcs are energy vampires and that most victims of narcs are empaths and this is why we were chosen in the first place. We are sensitive souls who can easily give supply to vampires. If you have a sibling who more resembles the narc in not being in touch with their emotions, they are not going to suffer the same way you will at the hands of this person. They will likely be the Golden Child precisely because the narc cannot feed off their negative emotions as they are usually too detached to give them that supply. My main challenge (especially given no contact) besides guilt is the energetic cords that need to be cut. There are actually videos on energetic cord cutting on KZbin if you are in the same boat:)

[@sargondp69]

... stop taking about me! Well, everything but the cord cutting. I must say that I experienced little problem with this. Once free from my family, I quickly found freedom and all the things life has to offer. No time for them when not in contact. But I certainly experienced other problems.

[@CarlosfVilchez]

Well said. Cord cutting is major 🔑 also. Thank you! Thanks Meredith!

[@sage7193]

They are definitely energy vampires

[@stars_for_night_lights]

I'm definitely going to look up the energy cords. I've already prayed to end my soul's contract with my "family." ✨🙏✨

[@grandrizewhoez3392]

this is good.

[@michelleachacoso4983]

I spent months deliberating about no contact. I am 6 years in. It was difficult and I felt guilt. But I know I saved my son and husband. And I saved my own sanity. I only wish I did NC years ago.

[@juliametcalf2660]

my mother was cold, belittling, and basically absent; I was available for almost 60 years, it may have been hard but cutting those cruel people out was nothing but liberating. got the life they denied me

[@thehotcoffeehouse6081]

Julia Metcalf yay, me too. exactamundo.

[@Joylibelle]

Julia Metcalf Good for you, Julia! 💕

[@SublimeLullaby]

"I just can't seem to find a way out of her grip on my soul" that Sums it up

[@womenofgodunited]

Yes 💯

[@jodiscola1806]

So true

[@Despeville]

Narco mother is one of the most damaging, evil and monstrous people one can have in their life. You have to understand that narcissists never stop being narcissists so the only way out of this evil trap is to go no contact. This is your only salvation, the only rescue otherwise they will torture you till their last breath. NC!

[@reesedaniel5835]

Especially the very sneaky, phony "charming" covert kind like mine. Had almost everyone completely fooled. She could turn on the charm like a water faucet or a light switch and turn it off just as fast (as soon as the person or persons that she was acting for left the house).

[@leticiali3934]

Reese Daniel No one would believe anything bad you said about your narcissistic mother, because she appears to be such a great loving mom who’s given/done so much for their children.

[@leticiali3934]

Celestial 7777 Her act is only performance to other people, and to make herself believe that she’s a great mother.

[@annettelynch4088]

My mother pretended to be on my side too. I never realized what was wrong with her and why I always had cognitive dissonance feeling she didn't love me but couldn't believe a mother couldn't love her only daughter. I finally stood up to my mother and I was discarded very quickly by her and four out of five brothers.

[@k.r.murphy4301]

I'm really lucky in that I have no happy or pleasant memories with my mother. One of my earliest memories is being 4 years old, lying in bed, thinking "I'm never going to invite her to my house when I'm a grownup". The bad news is I just learned she is a pathological narcissist (on the extreme end of the spectrum) so I, too, carried around her crap and let her control my soul until I was 59. Better late than never.

[@lindabelardes5971]

I would leave letters outside my door that said my mom hates me. I was young.

[@catherineshaw1122]

Oh wow, it's so helpful to read stories like yours, it reminds me that I am not alone in this painful experience. I recently realized that when I was in 2nd grade, I hatched a plot to run away from home. It just dawned on me how ridiculously sad and horrible that is. I also tried to do it at age 13 and ended up going home because I was reliant on her for asthma meds. But the fact that I wanted out in 2nd grade...yikes. I had relapsed from almost a year of no contact with her and that whole family, but of course nothing changed. I'm done. This feels different. Like unplugging a crappy toaster, lol. I owe her nothing. I hope we all find the love we absolutely always deserved. I'm so proud of you all.

[@k.r.murphy4301]

And then my sister died. It became crystal clear how our mother drove her into the ground. The tragedy, the mess, the bodies span the generations. The ruination of lives in my family and extended family is breathtaking.

[@catherineshaw1122]

@@k.r.murphy4301 I read this reply quite a few times. The emotional honesty is very moving. You're also a beautiful writer, I hope you realize that. The way you express yourself has power and grace. That might be a gift, the sweet to emerge from the bitter.

[@k.r.murphy4301]

@@catherineshaw1122 It is a gift of grace. I truly appreciate your response.

[@JaneLim-y1v]

I have not contacted my mother for almost 13 years. The first 3 to 4 years was extremely torturing for me. As a second child in a traditional chinese family, I was taught about filial piety at a young age. My mother, although not properly educated, is a talented woman who can cook, sew and even cut our hair. I'm very proud of her. In 2010, I decided to move to a house with my husband and three children about 15 minutes away from where she lives (She is staying with my elder brother's family.) and was being accused of abandoning her. I was called names like ungrateful brat, traitor, useless child and others which I don't even want to repeat. For many years, I tried my best to be a good daughter, although she has constantly mistreated me. I tried to act normal in front of others especially the children but was miserable all the time. Why is she treating me this way? Does she love me? Surely she does because she paid for my education and looked after me till I started working at 19. I was confused. It was only 2 years ago I heard of this word : narcissism. I was horrified that I can relate to all the things narcissistic mothers do to their children. I'm 53 years old now and I'm really glad to have found the answer at last. I feel that I can finally escape from the guilty feelings of not contacting my mother and caring for her as a daughter. I want to re-start my life. I want to be happy.

[@messue428]

I can 100 percent relate to this. I’m Indian and have a very similar upbringing. It’s hard but you have to think about yourself and your health ❤

[@42kellys]

Hi, Meredith, I had that feelings that she was just never on my side. She always took the part of the other person, not mine.

[@roshimafair7603]

klári geiszler lack of loyalty ,being two faced ,very hurtful

[@asmallweed]

as a child, I had the same observation with my momma, I was supra-neglected by her, though alongside being greatly aided by her. Now my parents are elderly & my narco mom adds dementia/alz to her general failing health profile, though I have interest in her comfort she verbally tells me of her hate for me & how difficult I was to raise, which I was on auto-pilot, and my father reminds me that I could operate a flea-market antique booth alone at 10-12yrs, but she couldn't keep a 7yo safe from predator, actually she hired a woman to housekeep & watch my brother & I in the earliest years so she could continue on with her career, this housekeeper eventually went on to murder her baby & bury it in her own backyard. I have so many questions about my mom, but my dad recently told me, "it's not you...she hates everyone...it's just, that she hates you more."

[@lacortneymaddox]

@@asmallweed wow...

[@Purple9721.]

@@asmallweed I'm sorry you went through that, that's horrific

[@asmallweed]

@@Purple9721. Thanks, for the acknowledgement.

[@reneeberry2829]

my mom treated my two children like the golden children so that she stole them away from me, she twisted their minds and believes away from me, now i have no one no brothers sisters everyone hates me im all alone, i had to walk away because my mom is so mean, BUT I'M FREE

[@A.S2400]

renee berry I’m so sorry. I hope your children wake up to her.

[@MJ-my9sg]

Renee berry - wow I'm in exactly same situation! NM undermined me at every opportunity with my adult children successfully alienating them from me. I too have no one, an only child. I went NC a year ago, I'm 64, she's 89.

[@rubberlegs88]

Going through this right now and I'm coming to peace with the past. But I still have children to save, because they are the only thing in this world that matter the most to me. Not her. Re read that

[@LostScissors]

My NM turned my children against me too. I cut her out of my life 9 years before she died. I do not regret it. I just wished that I had done it sooner and moved my children far from her.

[@ברכהה]

Same here.

[@Parakeetfriend4215]

Forgiveness. We must learn to forgive others and ourselves. I love you mom, but I'm not going to continue to let you hurt me. I know this scenario. Sometimes it's just a parent who isn't ready or willing to except that you're an adult and you have to step away from them for awhile. We can't allow others, even and maybe even especially loved ones to just walk all over us. Sometimes we have to do the physical distance thing. Sometimes they are just so ingrained in a pattern that they don't even know that there is one . You are the one who has to stand up and just say no and mean it. You don't get physical or verbally nasty, you just don't tolerate it anymore.

[@cwgumby]

I can forgive but i cant experience more abuse.

[@shamimoonshaik1395]

Just done that.. Told her I have had enough.. She kept telling all of our relatives that I have disrespected her 😡

[@mundomanual7308]

It's more hard when you know that your narcissistic mother has a good side, and you still love her... But it's get harder when you start putting your boundaries and there is a war of anger, resentment, and love, and need of nurturing from her. It's the most painful, confusing, hard thing ever...

[@xxGuItArGiRLxx89]

Please talk more about narc mothers - it was SOOO helpful! 🙂👍🏼✌🏼️

[@oneshypisces]

my mom's an expert gaslighter

[@imbrakingthrough2152]

Jen Smith . Welcome to the club

[@veganworldpeace2649]

Same with my 95 year old Mom! She has not changed even as an elder person. She behaves "kinder" & not so mean at times, yet it is a trap, as is the pattern ever since my childhood days. She was mentally, physically and financially abusive, as well as others in my nuclear family. I am still behaving in a co-dependent pattern sometimes and it has harmed me. My depression & anxiety keeps me isolated for most of my life.

[@AnitaD28]

No better than mine. I think mine discovered it.

[@stephere5345]

Mine too. I just have to chuckle when she plays the martyr who had pure intentions. She's full of shit.

[@doulalina]

Yup. They are evil.

[@celeste9955]

9:50-yes spot on!! My mother is a narc but I didn't realize it until my last romantic relationship where this man did the same things as my mother. Up until then it never occurred to me that my mother is an abuser; I just thought she was a big jerk. Now I see that both of these people are abusers and the lesson I was supposed to learn finally hit me square in the face! I am actually thankful for that romantic relationship to help me to see that, and proudly no contact with both :)

[@juliecaskey5216]

Celeste I'm right behind you in this. One step closer to parental no contact, but it is not an easy thing to do just yet ..

[@celeste9955]

Julie I hope you finally get the peace you deserve :)

[@juliecaskey5216]

Celeste thank you! It's Unbelievable how we gravitate to this frequency more than once! Yes inner work! Tough. I am thankful we have one another. Not alone.

[@bugsea54]

I think when your critisized and manipulated by your mother, you end up with the same partner. my two siblings and myself ended up in narcissistic relationships, what a surprise.

[@juliecaskey5216]

Connie Adelsburg I'm hearing you. I know.

[@darlenefoster3379]

When my mom is pushed into a corner from her narcissistic behavior, her favorite thing to say to me is “I love you more than life itself”. Right. The next day she could be telling me off and making hateful comments. If that is her love, no thanks.

[@MyArtEminence]

I thought I was the only one oh and can't forget the " I gave you life" wow such hate for your own mother and I'll love you until I die, next day when I die don't even come to my funeral

[@thetranspersonalalchemist]

Omg the financial abuse part is so triggering 😭😭. I feel like my father destroyed me. Thank you for the message at the end.

[@TheQuietMidden]

So - why even call it "forgiveness?" Why not simply "acceptance." I can't shake the feeling that "forgiveness" is just co-dependent/romantic/religious dregs. If I accept the truth and the past and who my mother is, why can't I move on and be healthy and be authentic? I can, I think. Maybe I'm not there yet but forgiveness seems unnecessary to my own well-being - even if it's supposedly "just for me". Acceptance seems more in tune with reality to me. Is this just semantics? Or am I not truly understanding? I'm thinking out loud - I will continue to work on this. Thanks for your videos. :)

[@txsgreen714]

Yes! Forgiveness always makes me feel sick..like they still have power. Accepting that they are unable to love is way better. Thank you

[@narcbegone1507]

I think pushing forgiveness on victims is about as productive as pushing remorse on predators. I wish all the folks preaching forgiveness would get busy trying to convince abusers that they need to be sorry. Good luck with that lol

[@grai]

I agree with you - forgiveness for deliberate cruelty from your own mother? You must be kidding Forgiveness is a christian teaching and look how nutty christianity is and all the suffering it is still causing even though it is a dying religion but the hatred I have for the Nmother is destroying me and I want to find a way to rid myself of all these feelings of anger it's making me ill & depressed

[@luv2cook.]

grai I guess we work on acceptance then and forget forgiveness. Great point. My N mom hasn’t called me in 25 years. My husband said, “Look at it as a gift”. 😂

[@HelenL-je9yn]

The Quiet Midden Yes. Forgiveness is too much. And forgiveness is so over-rated. The inner child needs to know we will always understand that what happened is inexcusable and unforgivable and *especially* when there is never any remorse for it. Understanding how the abuser may have developed these maladaptive coping mechanisms in their own childhood , and accepting that is who they are now, and that they always will be that way: these reminders are crucial for our sanity. We can let go of the abuser’s grip on us with simple understanding and acceptance. Forgiveness is not appropriate.

[@TI_Ted]

Everyone around you cannot believe "a mother's love" could be anything but selfless. You are isolated by peoples unquestioning regard for the mother, and so you must surely be at fault. So it's a place like this where you find out you're not mad, which is a huge turning point for you.

[@blueshoes915]

I just discovered/realized I have a narcissistic mother. It’s been a couple days and I’m in absolute shock and turmoil. I always knew I never felt close to my mom and dreaded any contact with her but never knew why and try so hard to have a better relationship but now I know the truth.I have two brothers, so I am the only girl and feel it is way different for me. I have not discussed my discovery with them yet and do not know how or when I will. I am in my late 30s. While it is somewhat freeing to know I’m not crazy, it is also very heartbreaking and devastating. As they say though, “the truth shall set you free!” I have been watching videos to try and get an idea of where to start healing and what the heck I should even do. Thank you so much for your videos. They are comforting and helpful. I am sure you have and will continue to help many people. I, for one, am so grateful for your channel. Thank you!

[@evonekky3672]

I can totally resonate with "my little girl inside remembers the good times when she seemed like a loving human... but now as an adult I realize I don't like her at all" :( this is a very hard position for anyone to be in

[@evonekky3672]

Guess what, 5 years have gone by, I've never broken no contact whatsoever, moved across the country changed my number, and then just a couple months ago I get a certified letter from her in the mail. She must have paid a service to get my address. She is trying to make amends. Two days ago I got a Christmas card from her. I feel flattered and harassed at the same time. I'm not about to break 5 years of no contact. But it's definitely messing with meh brain. People are telling me to reach out and tell her to not contact me further. But that is contact !!!!! 😅

[@mariposa1933]

The guilt other people put on you is what really sucks. They don’t understand the abuse we’ve taken.

[@CPTSDWarrior]

This really hit home with me. I am no contact for over one year with my nm, and I am having a hard time getting over feeling so much guilt.

[@DdDd-gd1rr]

The guilt is on the people who birthed you, and decided you weren't worth parenting.

[@naturalallnaturalwhitepist1789]

Poking Holes read living with joy sanaya roman

[@dianetaylor7031]

The first time I went NC with my NM I felt so much guilt I resumed contact after four years. Biggest mistake of my life ( and I mean that). I then endured another 20 years filled with misery, anxiety, lowered self esteem.. etc. I went NC 18 months ago and at 57 am finally at peace with my life and am happy. Please try not to feel guilty. You are the victim and deserve to be free and seek happiness. Good luck.

[@michelleblack6671]

Poking Holes CPTSD Warrior don't feel quilt... see is incurable

[@cait3holtzback788]

After 33 years, I stopped contact with my mother. At first, it was a very difficult decision for me. A friend recommended that I take a piece of paper and draw a line down the center. On 1 side, list the good and on the other, the bad. Bad side was very long. Good side was brief. I also realized when doing this, most of the good she had done for me was really about her. So, in the end breaking from her for my part was easy. She never did leave me alone tho. Family members, friends of hers, acquaintances of hers (flying monkeys) would try to guilt me. "She's the only mother you'll ever have." They did not REALLY know her. I could not have survived 2 of her. She died 2 years ago--in her 90s. Her winged monkeys are still alive and well. Still, abusing me by proxy. I can't believe I am still here. They never change--never. And if they are as clever and manipulative as my mom, hardly a soul will see them for who they truly are. Don't have kids with them. Know what you are getting into before you have kids. As soon as you know what they are, run like hell and never look back.

[@AndroidSpirit]

Thank you thank you thank you so much for this question and for this post and for this channel and work you’re doing. I deal with the same as a son of a Cuban narcissistic borderline mother. The guilt is layered in me where there doesn’t seem to be a day where I don’t think about her. I wish to be free from this turmoil. I know she suffers because of NC so I have to remind myself daily that I’m not responsible for her happiness and self-awareness and that the pain she causes me is more damaging that the pain I’m doing to myself by not having her in my life. Again, thank you.

[@InnerIntegration]

Maybe this one will help you too, Divorcing the Original Narcissist kzbin.info/www/bejne/inm8nHelr8yoj9U

[@janetplanetearth]

Wow! Just found you today and have watched 5 ways..this vid and already feel so much more empowered. I'm 65 and have a difficult mother, 92 and older sister, 69 (my father was difficult also but died in '97). What I desperately needed was the phrases to say, so I have them written down and will practice and memorize them! Tomorrow at Christmas there will be other family who are buffers but I needed those phrases. Several years ago I tried to do no contact but I was hounded, tortured by them with all their guilt techniques. This year I, albeit clumsily, I told my sister I can't be in the same space alone with the two of them anymore (my mother lives with my widowed sister, just the two of them). Bottom line is I suddenly feel like I have my power back, that I can choose the reality I want and deserve. Thanks again!

[@thehotcoffeehouse6081]

Janet Arendas go no contact. im mid 50s, my nm is 90, and she will never change. she is abusive so i cannot have her in the little bit of life that i have left to live.

[@voicebistro2726]

Good for you Janet.

[@grai]

@@thehotcoffeehouse6081 it's true - I'm 60 and thinking "she could easliy live till she's 100! when does this stop??!"

[@thehotcoffeehouse6081]

@@grai i hear u...my nm's grandmother passed at like 99 or 100. Her own mother passed at 86. She is in pretty good shape for 92, she took great physical care of herself, selfishly so, really, as it was at the expense of her family, in many ways...but the Bible says, " I've seen a man living long in his wickedness" And then it says, " dont be overwicked..." Long lived narcs make it 10x worse feeling, i know...listen, i have to face it, mine might live to be 100 or more. I do not long for her death, as, that would be wrong. I am trying to understand the lessons God has for me in it, even as i continue to remain strictly no contact. Sorry for long winded response. Hope it helps! God bless u today.

[@gabriellacsiszar8429]

Thank you! This is the work I need to do. I am the only one in the family who sees how my mother operates. Everyone else thinks she means no harm. But i know she wants to destroy me. She always wanted to from the beginning. I am surprised I survived...

[@GaryPotocki82]

You're not alone you are so not alone ....it is somebody motivated me to breathe life into me when I needed it I do so to you regardless if you need it now or not you were brought here for a reason you have a testament and a will to survive if you can read this page and comment on it you are incredibly already strong you sought answers the only way you could find them the rest of the questions will come to you as it is for the rest of us you have to take each day at a time you cannot give into anxiety and fear it is our natural human emotions ...but deep in your heart you will make a difference and you were meant to live till the end it doesn't become you to give up nor does it me I don't know you but I hope that my words encouraged you from one scapegoat to another correction we are X scapegoats..... you were always alive before the day that you had to cut your family off but now you are free you didn't live a day since you were born not truly alive you were alive just as you are today but those shackles have been removed for good and you don't have to go back.... I plan to kick my narcissist in the gut the best way I can and that is Success perseverance Triumph and they won't be able to do a damn thing about it they won't be able to get in my head bring me to the point of suicide ever again they will realize that I am gone from their grasp

[@mtugces]

Welcome to the club

[@jamesmccarthy6764]

The heart just keeps on beating..

[@kimkempton9676]

I’m in the position right now of making the decision to finally cutting all ties with my narcissist mother.

[@grai]

how is it going?

[@linneaxue427]

Kim Kempton, I hope you have made the best decision for yourself. You need to take care of you first. You are most important!!!

[@sp4rkle81]

I hope everything goes well ❤️

[@shamimoonshaik1395]

I am trying too, it's been 3 weeks since I talked to her and my husband is pushing me not to go no contact.

[@Dharini1234]

I had nightmares too when i was 15-20 years old. Sometimes a killer drown in me and before a second i closed my eyes to death in my dream, i saw that the killer is my narcissistic and control freak mother, then suddenly woke up. I totally understand your feelings about those kind of nightmares... I am workin on my mental health since 3 years. Still learning new methods, new ways to self-love, self-respect etc... Thanks a lot, I have just discovered your channel.And you are amazing. Lots of love from Germany.

[@barbarabouchard8325]

I, too, had nightmares that my mother was trying to kill me because I left home and was no longer a source of income. She asked a neighbor where she could get a gun to kill me and my future husband. She even went to an attorney to get advice. I was 23 years old. The attorney just laughed. She was a narc and a very dangerous one. Nightmares are gone. Still healing.

[@elirien4264]

I have decided to go n.c. with my elderly mother. She is in a rehab because of ailing health and has been emotionally and psychologicaly dependant on me for as long as I can remember. She wants to come live with me and my husband, but A, we don't want her in our house and B, we couldn't if we wanted to. But the "hinting" contnues, even though she has a on and dughter-in-law who are better able to care for her and live much closer. I think it's only fair the e look after her because he s the golden child and she put him ahead of the rest of us, even our father. I feel badly about going NC, but I know I need to. Thank you for these videos. They have been a tremendous help in making this decision.

[@narcbegone1507]

Good luck getting the golden child to care for anyone other than themselves

[@thehotcoffeehouse6081]

im 11 yrs no contact with my malignant narc egg donor. for me, it was a life saver. im mid 50s as well. im sorry but i have to go with merediths conxept of, " doctrine of inevitable harm". she will *always harm me*. ( that was supposed to be bold). Always. and i must choose my own life over hers, for the sake of myself, my own mental, emotional, and physical health, and my own family.

[@jadetaylor8182]

24F here. I just went no contact with my nmom literally a day after the Superbowl. If someone in your life continuously abuses you, you do not owe them anything, even if they are your mother. You are allowed to kick ANYONE out of your life that is hurting and abusing you. You deserve peace and happiness! They will never truly want this for you, because they themselves don't have it. It took me a long time to finally make a decision on the matter, but at the end of the day you have to do what's best for you and your overall health. Let the healing process begin 🙏

[@anechkagee5372]

"That cage didn't even exist" - this is so true.

[@mallory5872]

Don't feel guilty. Go no contact. I always felt guilty about it so kept my foot in the door. Not even safe to be in contact with my siblings. My life is ruined.

[@rebeccajimenez6109]

mallory The guilt of leaving my siblings alone is what got me. Not so much the NC with my Narc mother and enabling step father. I had been close to my youngest two brothers but the eldest is more like my parents so it is hard to communicate effectively and comfortably with him. I left the boys with a letter saying it wasnt their fault and they have potential to lead healthy and successful lives. The guilt feeling here is not being in contact with my other family that I care about because of my NC with my mommie dearest. It is hard. But worth the sanity. Life isn't ruined only if you let it get ruined. Life is one big journey and I hope you the best on your life journey. You're beautiful and deserve hapiness.

[@reesedaniel5835]

If your other family members have not been tainted by the evil narc parent, they will contact you on their own. If they have, you either won't hear from them again, or they will do a "fishing expedition" on you to get info for narc mommie dearest (aka triangulation). IF they cannot think for themselves and contact as adults outside of the influence of Mommie dearest, then they are not worth your time anyway. You never said how old they were so I'm referring to them as if they are young adults at this point. If they are still teens or younger than this comment doesn't apply.

[@voicebistro2726]

Thanks for sharing about your siblings. I kept my foot in the door, thinking it was I who would make the difference. I was so wrong. The whole system is a dog and pony show. No contact with mother and all siblings. It's so hard to fight the feeling that my life has been a waste.

[@cait3holtzback788]

Cynthia and all here with similar experinces, We should meet here. I get more out of reading your comments than I do the vids. I feel my life is wrecked, too. My mother is dead, but she and her winged monkeys have destroyed everything for me. There is still more I can do, but every day is a struggle to get out of bed. I had no idea there were so many who've had identical experiences. I had no idea at all. I thought it was b/c she had a Pysch degree too, so she had learned more clever tricks. Her tricks are typical: winged ( aka: flying monkeys); abuse by proxie. God, there are so many of us! I am grateful to know. I'm am coping with the discovery as 1 would flashbacks of abuse. Reading what all of you write is flashing me back, but in a few days, I think I will feel stronger and more braced knowing that I am so much not the only one. Their abuse can be so subtle and secret.

[@voicebistro2726]

Good point.

[@oagorosito]

It took me almost 46 years and tons of abuse to figure out what was going on. You are truly an angel, Meredith. You have a beautiful aura, by the way. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[@drleo6409]

I worked with my father until I was 22. After telling him for months that I was tired of his unnecessary criticism. I just said “I cannot work with you anymore “ I walked out the door and never worked with him again. When he was 89 he moved in with me and my family. At first he was cordial then he began to complain about little things . Then everything. After 3 years of listening to his negative thoughts he is moving into an assisted living home. He thinks it will be better. Of course just like my mother , for 3 years, I was the ONLY ONE that care of her and him ( divorced) they are leaving all their money to anyone but me. When my mother died I can honestly say I felt nothing. Sounds cold but after devoting that much time every week for years and no appreciation. Oh she left me $10 that I never received. I felt very USED. The one that received her $ had not seen her in over 5 years. “ FAMILY. “ If they treat you like trash they really don’t see any value in you . Just expect you to serve them.

[@mitchellbabies2094]

I'm binge watching your video's :) I'm just amazed really, I thought I was the only one to experience these things..I am truly grateful for your videos.

[@DeeChele]

Mitchell Babies

[@DeeChele]

I thought I was the only one going through this as well

[@suzie427]

Ditto for me too! I have struggled alone for so long & I'm soaking this info in like a sponge.

[@thehotcoffeehouse6081]

me too same here. thought my egg donor was the freakazoid to beat all freaky shrews...now i know she is simply a covert malignant narc

[@AuroraAquarius]

same!

[@davev7279]

Hello Meredith , Dave here. these videos about the narcissistic mother are so helpful and real for me now. my mother, which who i am in no contact with , lately moved without notification of where too moved very closed to my house. as a consequence of that I am running into her here and there. this was very stressful for me but during the last two months I found out just how right I am to be in no contact. This all was necessary to finally really feel at peace with it all. She or my family are not my reality anymore. After years of struggle with this it all feel into place and can I live my life happily as my authentic self and live life to the fullest. Love and a big hug, Dave

[@shonkysidewayssam6134]

My mum has caused me so much unnecessary misery. If it were not for the positive loving relationships with girlfriends/female friends I would not be at the place where I am today. Where I deeply love positive female energy and I am happy to have watched your video, before Christmas. I have chosen to go no contact over the Christmas period...

[@sofiaannae]

Forgiveness is something completely different from letting go of resentment and anger. You can let go of your anger without forgiving someone.

[@mp-pl8rw]

Yes I agree, many people mean *letting go* when they use the word forgiveness, but this can be confusing since forgiveness usually means becoming friends again. I wish people could just use the words let go instead of forgiveness, forgiveness is a whole different story and should be considered only where there is true remorse.

[@iwantthetruthandnothingbut6521]

Letting go of resentment and anger is what forgiveness is... And you do it for yourself not for them... Because they don't even feel they need forgiveness. I've heard it said this way and it makes perfect sense... Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die...

[@narcbegone1507]

That's a cheesy line from Steve TV show! He is *no* expert on trauma recovery. He's a comedian who's good at generating laughs. You can adopt his attitude when forgiving minor infractions that any normal person is capable of. Abuse doesn't fall under that umbrella. In fact, experts in trauma recovery talk about what's required for the victim to heal, and forgiveness is not on the list.

[@starr970]

Most definitely

[@dolphinliam888]

Every time I listen to you, you are spot on. I was sexually abused as a child by my father and neglected in the process by my mother. I'm 55 now but am dealing with it. The work you are doing is fantastic. I'm writing a book to help others with forgiveness and ending the cycle.

[@sarabegay6339]

Thank you. I'm 78 and have fought to stay free from my mother since I was 18. I had hoped that after she passed away I would have a chance to connect to my siblings. After 5 years I have finally figured out that she has destroyed 4 generations of the family and the only way to be part of them is to go back to being sick. It's heartbreaking but I'm not going there again.

[@SignsAllAround]

I'm so grateful to find this channel and other vids on this topic. I've suspected something about my mother for years (forever really) and now am starting to learn some vocabulary to add structure to those vague disturbing confusing feelings. This particular vid really hit me kind of hard but guess I need it!

[@margaretmichelsen766]

Yes, it is a huge revelation, I am 50 and I have just realised, my mother is a textbook case and my brother is the golden child. Finally I have put the jigsaw pieces together, I had no idea. TEXTBOOK! Frightening.

[@sandraweinhardt9203]

What is the video you all refer to? I haven't found it. I need it! Thanks for being here.

[@alejandrachavez3927]

Trans-generational pattern! That's the key, we have to step outside the cycle in order to break it, and all those involved in the pattern will resent and hurt from one's decision to leave, but that's because they are so accustomed to that abuse cycle. BREAK THE CYCLE

"Typically it's worse for the daughter" is more or less discountng the son's experience if he is involved too. That phrase should not have any weight AT ALL.

[@narcbegone1507]

Some say it's worse for the daughter. Some say it's worse for the son. Some say it's worse for the youngest, oldest, most gifted, blah blah. I say it's hell for any child of a narc, especially scapegoats. That's who really gets the worst of it.

[@rhondaroberts2223]

My narc mother died 13 yrs ago and memories of her still haunt me. She continued her legacy of abuse through my own children..so no relationship with them and it's almost as if I am dead to them....not the life I had pictured more than 40 years ago, but it is my reality. Honestly, in many ways my life has become much better since my grown daughters dumped me. That's a sad truth!

[@linneaxue427]

Rhonda Roberts, That is their loss. You have every right to take care of yourself. You matter!!!

[@smoozerish]

You sound so cold. I feel so sorry for you.

[@LostScissors]

I understand. I am in the same boat.

[@emmaleeshallenberger995]

"Involving the grandchildren in the golden child/scapegoat fantasy..." OMG! This was happening with my two sons but I never looked at it that way! I have been no contact with my narcissistic dad and abusive enabler mom for several months and it's been difficult.

[@InnerIntegration]

I can imagine it’s even more difficult to go No Contact with the grandparents of your kids. My cousin had to do the same and finds solace in the narc grandmothers threads on Reddit. The horrible stories on there help her remember she did the right thing for her kids.

[@Corinna_Schuett_GER]

@@InnerIntegration I went NC with my parents when our son was little to protect him from them, now he's 21 and when my narc father died this year he went off to live with his narc grandma who of course supports him as the golden grand child (I am the scapegoat anyway). Turns out he developed into a covert narc himself, some copy of his grandfather but without even knowing him... I didn't ever want to marry a type of guy like my father was and succeeded but then we got a child who eventually is my father 2.0 reloaded... Ugh! 😵😵

[@DosBear]

Forgiveness is letting go of resentment and not holding onto interal grudges. It doesn't mean you forget or even that you will continue in a relationship. It just means you acknowledge what happened and are willing to let it go and try to make things better. Put the past in the past where it belongs and move on from there. You can't control whether or not that person will respond positively to your forgiveness or even acknowledge that it was necessarily needed in their case as they really don't know or think they did anything wrong. It's about what you're holding onto & not them at the end of the day. The truth is you may require some forgiveness yourself but they are not willing to do that & therein lays the dilemma. Mutual forgiveness is often necessary because we tend to hurt those that hurt us. This blame game of who hurt who first only gets in the way of creating the healthy relationship you are seeking. Great video. Good luck.

[@ABCviewing1]

Sometimes the "grip on the soul" or attachment is particularly strong as (in my experience) a) the narcissist ignores your character since your very first days. They belittle, neglect and basically do not mother you. In order to feel connected, you begin taking on her traits and notice that this earns you positive approval instead of abuse. So you learn that her worldview and behaviour should replace yours and this enmeshes your personalities. Do you find it hard to make decisions without her opinion? This is one result. b) distress makes you reach for an "anchor" and in the narc upbringing there isn't one, so it becomes the narc itself. Studies should attachment is stronger in terror situations for survival. Your wiring has adapted to these circumstances and so it is indeed very hard to let go as your mind tells you that part of you is also disappearing.

[@thehotcoffeehouse6081]

Alex Parry Journalist and Dancer that happened to me...i finally individuated and went no contact. life saver 4 me!

[@Chopsyochops]

Alex Parry Journalist and Dancer wow this makes so much sense and clarifies why I struggle to fully close the door. This insight has just freed me. Thank you so much.

[@reesedaniel5835]

What you describe is usually what happens with the Golden Child, who is usually (not always) a son. This is what happened to my only brother and Golden Child of my Queen Spider ('mother'). I always said he had his head stuck up her azz. (Sorry for the crudeness, but that's just how I see it).

[@cait3holtzback788]

Reese Daniel, My sister is The Golden Child. She isn't as brite or as good-looking. She's gullible and didn't think for herself. So, she was no threat to my mom. But my sister was very gifted as a singer, musician, actor and impersonator. A marvel. My mother, who wanted to be an actress, crushed all that in my sister. So in the end, even the Golden Child and her amazing talent was a threat to my mother's need for the limelight.

[@Sparrow0514]

Alex Parry Journalist and Dancer, very insightful. Thanks for sharing.

[@sherryripepi6024]

Meredith Miller, You are saving lives. Thank you for Being, You are Enough.

[@verycherryberry3752]

What you said about "that's just how italian catholics are"! Omggggg my father is a narcissist and we are middle eastern and ever since I can remember i have been told that "that's just the culture! That's just how middle eastern people do things" "most middle eastern men are like that"... UGH minimizing abuse as another form of gaslighting 🙄😩 i believed it for years too

[@stars_for_night_lights]

I'm 49. The gray rock method backfired on me. My narc mom turned that into "You have a bad attitude" & "You have a chip on your shoulder." Because they are energy vampires and it cuts off their energy supply. I went no contact about a month ago, and my codependent step-dad of 30 years, was trying to convince me to make things right with her. He said I need to remember all the good things she did do for me. Hence more guilt. Pretty soon, he'll morph into a flying monkey and he'll start being nasty to me. Been there, got the t-shirt, sent the postcard. Once I told him I'm done, that same day all of my childhood pictures and baby book showed up at my doorstep. Honestly, I don't even want them, I wouldn't care if I torched them. To me they are all reminders of a sad, neglectful, unfulfilled childhood - and adulthood. My mom is 73. I'm trying to work through the guilt of going no contact. I think it becomes harder as the parent ages. G because that's typically the time when an adult child would step in and help them navigate their elder years. She abandoned me during some of the most traumatic times in my life. Funny how the ingrained guilt kicks in when it should be her time for love and support, but she ruined any chance of that. I think the damage, physical and emotional from narcissistic abuse is no where near understood or appreciated. It's a sad situation all around.

[@faithtiltheend3044]

Quantum Physics I’m 50 and in the same boat ... my step father is the worst.... my mom has now totally morphed into him in the last two years. My mother left me on the day of my graduation at 17 to be with him. She was never emotionally there for me. Very belittling and criticizing. With that said I finally wanted to set boundaries. I was being nice and just stated the obvious. Now she has chosen to ignore my calls. They have never been there for me and this is really what they wanted .... I have not seen her in some years she cares nothing for my kids. I was grey rocking her ... I just came out of a relationship with a sociopath 3 years ago. All this made me realize what was going on. I could not handle her anymore and this was only by phone. So now I suppose it will just be fake which it has been fake for awhile .. and birthday cards. I’m ok with this now .... I saw this coming ... they just could not handle that I stood up to their abuse. She cannot self reflect. We can move on and be healthy ❤️

[@stars_for_night_lights]

@@faithtiltheend3044 The only people who will take issue with you setting boundaries are the ones who stand to lose something if you do. ❤️

[@faithtiltheend3044]

Quantum Physics my mother doesnt seem to care. She can’t self reflect. They can be hateful and unloving. These people just can’t stand when we bring out things they are doing wrong. We are the bad people !! Very self centered .... for them there is nothing to loose I feel this is what they want. Just a mother that is so unhealthy mentally who doesn’t want a daughter. These people can’t handle anything but they can dish it out.

[@allywolf9182]

when I 17 my mother forced me to go to a counselor. after 3 visits the counselor told me she couldn't help me and my best bet was to go as far away as possible and don't look back. But it took me 30 years to finally get it. I had a frank conversation with her and told her she didn't even have to be nice to me, just civil and if she couldn't do that, I was done. After that, I still sent birthday cards and stuff but probably only saw her maybe 10 more times. I moved 3500 miles away to ensue success. Then she got sick and I flew home and took care of her till she died. It was actually pretty positive because I finally got to love her without her crushing me!! At one point I climbed in the bed with her and held her for hours. Kinda awesome actually :) but it was the only time in my life things were even slightly nice. at all. and after her death (its been 1 1/2 years now) man, ive really been going thru some heavy stuff that I feel no one can help me with. That's for sharing. When you told the story about her turning you in my stomach started to churn and my heart started pounding. Its so nice to know other people understand

[@grai]

you were a good child to someone who did not deserve it and you should be proud of yourself But I understand when you say the damage seems to go on and on I hope you feel better soon xx

[@ABCviewing1]

Hi Meredith, this is a great video. I wonder, there are so many of us with narcissistic mothers, and from what I observed, they too had disordered parents. I observed the common themes to be neglect and for them as children a lack of approval and validation, but for the older generations often complete neglect. I am wondering if the world war eras produced this disorder, because it seems to be so highly pronounced in these generations. Would this be worth looking into - could the Great Depression have resulted in mass survival mode in millions of neglected children, the effects of which we are now dealing with as people with healthier attachment to discern the problem? When I try to raise the idea of 'self' with many older generations, they simply think anything outside of just surviving is self-indulgent.

[@luminouscali]

Alex Parry Journalist and Dancer During the 40s and 50s, many psychologists taught parents that giving children too much love spoils them. This might have something to do with it.

[@cait3holtzback788]

I don't think so. My Grandmother was born in the 1880s. She produced my Narcissistic mother, but she was no Narcissist herself. Psychology is a new science. I don't think Personality Disorders are a product of a cultural era. Maybe warfare right in your area produces PTSD and hypervigilance.

[@laslas5935]

Cait3 Holtzback I would think it factors into a recognizable pattern. Culture, environment, social factors would have affected each generation uniquely.

[@lady5138]

You are an amazing speaker. This is the best video I have seen in long time. Thank you so much. Subscribing!!

[@mp-pl8rw]

Finding the right words to label the behaviour, is really, really important. Meredith when you say "my mother pretended she was on my side but would give me away in a heartbeat"... I really relate to that. I could never find the right words to express it in a sentence. If you don't label the behaviour it is IMPOSSIBLE to stand up for yourself... You know that you feel bad but you're confused, and it's so easy for the abusers to convince you it's all your fault. But if you find the right words you become conscious, no one can fool you.

[@NatAnnSch]

As a teen, I journaled to release my feelings. I remember writing "I hate her!" across an entire page. I came home one day from school to find my mother holding my journal in her hands, tears rolling down her face. I felt so guilty for making her feel that bad, that I packed up years of writing and threw it all in the trash and stopped journaling all together. Totally neglecting my feelings from that day forward. I believe it was at this point my codependency really took off. I also had terrible dreams while growing up. I remember one particular one where I was hiding under a large tree at night for protection while fighter jets flew overhead, dropping bombs on me. A few years back, while in a narcissistic relationship I had a reoccurring nightmare. Always running down concrete, industrialize stairs. jumping numerous steps at a time or sliding down the banister. Zigzagging in and out of doors to lose him. As soon as we broke up, the nightmares stopped. I have had insomnia for the last 22 years! Since starting my inner healing, I have been sleeping like a baby. Thank you Meredith for your amazing videos.

[@HealingGiirlEra]

Thankful I found your page and the comments are so helpful to understand that others have went through the same. I felt I was alone and the only one going through this. It’s likr God woke me up one day and told me to keep my phone off for a month and he will reveal some things to me. So I decided not to pay my bill for 1 month and I was able to do research and figure out that I have been a scapegoat this whole time and my sister being a golden child. I could never please her everything I did was wrong. I’m breaking the silence and calling this out and I’m standing up for myself. I’m breaking this generational curse & jezebel spirit won’t be apart of me and my children’s lives.

[@sofiaannae]

I feel as though forgiveness isn't necessary for healing. Forgiveness isn't about freeing yourself. The healing process and transformative process it what heals you and frees you. There's a difference between forgiving and understanding that no one is to blame yet everyone is still accountable for their actions. After I went no contact from my mom, I never forgave her because why forgive someone who isn't sorry? I don't understand how forgiveness would make me feel better.

[@ABCviewing1]

I agree. It is like a universal "painkiller" for just a terrible situation. But forgiveness can be a mask that minimises the horror.

[@thehotcoffeehouse6081]

Sofia Garcia foegiveness isnt about her being sorry. its about u saying, ok she doesnt owe me anything. and u move on with ur life. but it doesnt mean what she did or does is ok. she isnt absolved, she is forgiven...its 4 u not her.

[@narcbegone1507]

TheHotCoffeeHouse I disagree. If it's your ex, your friend, your neighbor, you can say they don't owe you anything. Not So With a Parent. A parent owes parenting to a child. It's a big job and a responsibility. Nobody gets to reproduce and then say "I owe nothing to this child". It takes some special kind of mentality to convince yourself that a parent owes nothing to a child.

[@grai]

if I think about "forgiveness" I become completely confused and that's just because it is mind fuck from the bible that makes people feel "virtuous" but like everything in the bible *it makes no sense whatsoever* that's why people cannot agree about what it is or what it isn't if you start taking things out of a book written thousands of years ago you're not doing yourself any favours just make your own way of not feeling like crap about having terrible parents no-one needs the bible

[@malikperry7368]

You can forgive but from a distance.

[@anotherplanet5828]

Excellent content. Thank you SO much! I finally went no contact with my 86 yr old covert narc adopted mother and I am healing so much faster now. My fibromyalgia is all but gone, my memory is improving, and I am setting boundaries with everyone where I used to be a people pleaser. I validate myself now and it feels AMAZING! I am 55 and I’m finally free and healed enough to finish my degree in psychology. I start classes in April! Thank you Meredith. Your videos have helped me immensely.

[@messue428]

Good for you!

[@Sheywh12]

OMGOSH!! You hit my Mother and my 52 years of my life!! In one video!! Straight on the nail!! I never could understand why she's so mentally cruel too me!! Why she can never be satisfied!! This is deep hearing this!! I've done the forgiveness over and over again!! My mother is in a nursing home that she put herself in Because she wasn't willing to take care of her health..I'm now disabled With RSD sometimes I wonder if this is why I have RSD They proved it from a surgery on my wrist that they packed me on ice and caused it to spread through every limb of my body..Despite my health my mother expects me to take care of her..She was always and still to today not responsible for nothing...I was taught so much responsibility that I'm very responsible although theirs time I wish I wasn't so responsible!! Thank you this was a real eye opener!! I've been told she's a Boarderline not by a professional examination So I really don't know what her terminology is... Thx Shey

[@roshimafair7603]

Sheywh12 when we are a mother to them because they never take responsibility

[@elizabethp2383]

wow!!! almost my exact life story!!! I need time to digest this and wrap my mind around this....its like you are speaking of/ to me...

[@maryl3299]

Wow. Cognitive dissonance. My mom died 2 years ago. I took care of her the last 2 years of her ALS. After her death, my shields came down and all the sympathy & compassion for her terrible suffering came in. Guilt for not seeing her suffering earlier & more fully. But, where's my compassion for myself?

[@reesedaniel5835]

You are doing exactly what the narc trained you to do. Now you have to stop.

[@lemurianchick]

That is okay. That means you are a caring human being. I think that is what binds me--feeling sorry for this person. I don't know how narcs can go through life with such negativity. It boggles my mind, actually. And sometimes I think of what could have been. It's not me feeling sorry for myself but simply thinking what a foolish waste it has been. We could have been close! We could have been friends as adults. But the narc cannot allow that positive interaction with their own child. To me it is tragic.

[@kellybayne3673]

Thank you so much for your video. My mom is 81 years old and she was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. Before she got sick I had limited contact with her, because every time I had contact with her it ended up in an argument. Now me and my brother are her primary caregivers, and unfortunately she has used her medical condition to be extremely hurtful all the time with no restraint on her part. Other family members don't understand what is going on, and I have found out that over the years she has told outrageous and hurtful lies about both me and my brother. Anyway my problem is I can't desert her due to her medical condition. This is making me physically sick. I am having headaches, nosebleeds, and nausea due to interacting with her. Both me and my brother have done nothing but support her, and she has done nothing but complain about us. She constantly tries to turn my brother against me. Unfortunately, I do not have the option to break contact. I need help, and I don't know where to turn.

[@Corinna_Schuett_GER]

Get her on professional care and let her pay for it. You have always an option to care for your own health.

[@cwgumby]

They stole my childhood

[@GaryPotocki82]

Think of it this way their childhood was stolen from them you can love your inner child and you can also love theirs but you do not accept their behavior if you made mistakes or if you believe that you are no better than your abusers that is not true you are consciously aware of what you have lost but you can get it back you have to nurture yourself it's not easy there's a lot of pain there's a lot of Tears there's a lot of anger rage a black hole of empty void it's like you're locked together and hatred with them I believe it any age anybody can realize this on a conscious level you are set apart from them because of Love Inside you it is the wounds and scars that they left you what protected you what kept you alive is love brother God bless you thank you for your comment

[@narcbegone1507]

First, you don't know for a fact that their childhood was stolen. Second, it's irrelevant even if true. Third, no, you cannot get your childhood back, you will never be 5 again, but, you can do damage control, that's what you're stuck with working hard on.

[@GaryPotocki82]

@@narcbegone1507 who are you again....spam???

[@narcbegone1507]

Lol so disagreeing with you = scam. Very interesting. Good luck with that.

[@GaryPotocki82]

@@narcbegone1507 do they have a term for what is wrong with you?

[@karinsmith9116]

OH AM i GLAD i FOUND YOUR VIDEOS. I IDENTIFY COMPLETELY. MY MOTHER ACTS LIKE A SAVAGE , IS UNABLE TO LOVE..

[@shahilagh]

I noticed I can’t have minimal contact because when I reconnect I fall into wanting mother love. But she can’t give it to me and anyone else. And problems begin. :( so sadly no contact seems the only option but that is also sad

[@rosbifle413]

Been listening to a few of your videos in work....I have had an awfully traumatic life with a narcissist dad and borderline pd mom. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to see you are as blessed with beauty as you are with knowledge. Thank you and God bless you beautiful lady who has helped me out enormously today. Keep up the good work. I'm sure you're helping many people. Your take on things resonated with me the most.

[@paulkeith9335]

Omg...that part about having nightmares and the knowledge that you’d be turned over without a seconds thought....I’ve had that....I HAVE those....dreams of the abuse and being laughed at when I’m hurt, mocking my cries for it to stop and having no help, other family members in the dream attacking me for standing up to it and making me out to be the monster. Punishing me for standing up for myself. I have those nightmares. I didn’t even realise what that was. That whole section made me shake.

[@specialenvy24]

Thank you for all the help with this for all of us who have suffered and continue to suffer and for the big hug! Your voice is soporific which helps in itself but to know that there is a reference of sanity in all the narcissistic cycle helps keep the insanity at bay somewhat! There may be no cure but to know there is light at the end of the tunnel by working on our inner selves rather than trying to ever believe we could change the narcissist is soothing. On my part I have a long way to go. I am still coming to terms with the fact my mother is one in itself and to break the cycle of abuse without no contact let alone get somewhere towards healing xxx

[@doulalina]

I remember watching this when I felt guilty, but it’s been two years and I don’t even think of her, I consider her an abuser, not my mother, I grieved who she never was, and she is now irrelevant. They don’t feel heartbreak from no contact, they only regret not being able to abuse you more. That’s all they want, that’s all they ever wanted. They aren’t hurting, we are. I just want to keep my kids away and never see her again and be free to finally be free from abuse.

[@latrecenicole3568]

Same exact thing here! But I have siblings that I still keep in contact with and my kids are friends with them on social media. My daughter turned 16 and my brother messaged my daughter and told her that MiMi (our mother) mailed her a birthday card with money in it and to make sure she gets it. When it came in the mail it had no money in it. My daughter was so upset and asked me why did she lie? Even 3 years with no contact she is still being manipulative through my siblings and kids. It’s so sad.

[@doulalina]

@@latrecenicole3568 yeah, they will find literally any way to be hurtful. It’s so insane. I need to protect my kids. 💖

[@latrecenicole3568]

@@doulalina please do! And congrats you are breaking generational curses 💕💕💕 God bless 💕

[@gloriabyas8088]

You're absolutely right, and just so you know, YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!😊👍🙏🙏

[@AlisongsLA]

Thank you for this amazing video, Meredith. It's as if you are describing my own mother and our family dynamic. Ugh. I stood up and said, "no, this ends with me," and I was immediately ostracized. But, for me it's a huge relief to not have to deal with those cold, mean, and never happy people. I have them on both sides of my family, unfortunately, plus I married one whose mother is also a Narcissist. Thanks to people like you, I've learned what my part has been in choosing these people and have been able to make better choices going forward.

[@veronicavarela2041]

Thank you for the question - I am 57 and feeling the exact same way. I hope I will stay strong and stay “no contact” not only for me whom has been scapegoat but for my beautiful daughter. We deserve better❤️

[@NovemberUzi]

This is a fantastic video. I am having a very illuminating couple of weeks now that I am discovering that my mother is narcissistic. It is what I am doing now, but you putting it all into words is pricelessly helpful. I don't like to consider myself as Abused, a victim, or a survivor, and I think I am past needing to heal. Nevertheless, I do feel I need to identify and understand it all, in order to move forwards and prevent any further problems - and more importantly protect my own son. I had instinctively limited contact with my mother, couldn't understand why and now I do; I am prepared when I hear/read lies; I don't raise my voice so as not to fuel her into (gas lighting); etc. Armed with information about narcissism, and what you put into words to do (e.g. don't take it personally) confirms that what I am doing is the way to go. I think that even though I don't want to admit it, I do have to admit that I suppose I am somewhat insecure after everything, and need that sort of confirmation. So, thanks. PS- the dreams - this is interesting. I have always had dreams, since I was a child, of a monster/something (this varies) trying to kill me and I never knew what it was, it was always an unseen monster. It didn't bother me so much but I was always curious as to why I had those dreams (I am not easily scared and I was not going through any traumas, etc.) so you mentioning the dreams is super-interesting.

[@rmz4504]

Sometimes I wonder if forgiveness was brought to the forfront and perpetuated by the abusers themselfs.

[@dorothybrown-wf5rc]

excellent videos, so so helpful. Literally saving my life, thanks xx Lots of love to anyone reading! Don't let these fools get the better of you, stand in your power xxx

[@lavanyakapoor7981]

This video has given me so much hope. Feels like therapy. I just moved out of the house of a narcissist father. Now he's trying to contact me. But now I'm not going back inspite of the guilt which I am having.

[@snowstormonsat]

I am also struggling with this. My mother is BPD and narcissistic, old now, very lonely, very pathetic and sad. My psychopath father died and she's alone. My sisters won't spend time with her either. She constantly manipulates and guilts everyone and spends what little time you give her, fighting, sucking the energy from you. I have minimal contact, I talk with her in phone, it I'm afraid to share anything from my life with her, she gossips, and will use any info as a weapon against you. She refuses to get help and just cannot see that she has issues. In her warped mind, she really believes it's everyone else. I love my mom, I wish she would get help and heal her life. I wish we could be friends. But she makes it impossible and I've had to grieve that loss. I have a small child to protect. The cycle is ending with me. My daughter is so loved by both her mom and dad. She is a happy, pleasant, friendly, sociable child with no issues and I want to keep it that way. I feel so guilty though, I think about her everyday. I wish she wasn't alone. When she had my evil father, the two of them were happy to be rid of us, they really hated us kids, she catered to my father, who was an abuser, lier, and cheater, but she didn't care, they were still a team turned against us. But then he died and now she has no one because that's what she wanted and created. But I can't forget the abuse and cruelty she put me through. And she'll still do it if I allowed her. She's sadistic and has a very dark side to her. I swear she is demon possessed. I gave her a bible and she refused to open it. I think she hates God, she is so hate filled...it's scary. So then why do I care so much for her and feel guilty? Why? I know I have been conditioned and programmed, but logically I see that she is demented and it's not in my best interest to have contact with her. So why do I feel so bad? How do I let go? Yes, I have nightmares about her...scary nightmares...I can't ever imagine doing that to my child. Is this a spiritual battle or just crazy making? Because the two seem to go hand in hand.

[@Alsoechtjetzt]

Dear Susan, since I read your comment I had to think about it and the two questions of yours at the end. I'm at the time going through the prozess. It is not long that I began watching these videos about narc. abuse. I'm very greatfull for that work and for that Video of Meredith and her work and supporting way to talk and to explain. Dear Susan, my Mother is not so openly mean, but I feel what you say, because I'm in the situation too, to broke up contact, because it is not possible for me to deal with her without getting physically and mentally completely exhausted for weeks. Because of drama and so on. So , what I think now, for me it has not been possible to be a good daughter and have an own life at the same time. So I do not have a family. IT is not her responsibility, but it has something to do with my complete addictance to her. So, Thank god, you have your little girl. This is your reason of happiness and we are allowed to be happy although the parent is not. My brain tells me, my heart thinks: My Mother allways should be a little happier than me. But I'm on my way. I think, the hole thing is crazymaking! And it allways was. To your second question , I think the spiritual battle as a theologic mattern is already wo at the cross. But in our experience we have it as we grow into the free and loved and loving being we are ment to be. But for me the focus is, how he helped me, how he acts without stopping bringing light into my life. And I hope he's doing that with my mother, too, but at the moment I feel, I should focus on my life. So god bless your hole family and first of all you, dear Susan! Please excuse my english, I'm german

[@BetterOff735]

Yep, this resonates with me. I'm 59 with my 91 ye old NM. She's cried wolf so many effin times..that now she's frail, can't walk and LOVES to use the helpless, needy Card. Will complain about me to Golden Boy like I'm starving her. I buy her food and she doesn't eat it, so she CAN SAY that I'm this or that. Sick sht. Constantly pitting the siblings against each other, or rather, against Me...The Scapegoat.

[@BetterOff735]

You care cause YOU have a heart. You are capable of loving and feeling for another.. THIS is where we get hung up on...because we are thinking our NM has the same capability, but they are just Choosing to be mean. Not so. They have never known love. Never known what it's like to LOVE someone or be Loved. They just know they have/had someone that can make them feel like they at least exist. Love to them is the same as loving a Cane, a step stool, a car.. When it's gone, Now how the hell am *I*supposed to walk? I used that came to help me get around. Who the hell does that CANE think it is, doesn't it know that it's their job to help me walk? It's MY cane! I gave birth to it. It came from me. It belongs to me. Objects in their mind. Sadly, always had been, always will be. They know this is wrong, they know something's not right with them... BECAUSE THEY MAKE SURE PEOPLE ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN Gets the ACT of the best performance of a Loving parent they can muster.

[@Dreamweaver777]

I have no guilt about no contact, but they won't go away. Still send cards, stalk me on the internet.

[@heatherquinn8684]

The God Vibe Lee Catalano yes, they have no boundaries or impulse control. Just block and even use the law to stop harassment

[@RicardoFerreira-rc7ux]

that is hoovering. they do that to keep you back to do all again. do not fall on that one. regards

[@thehotcoffeehouse6081]

yup mine sends unwanted cards and stuff too. i just ignore it all.

[@sassie8039]

Narcissist sending me unexpected parcels.Usually gifts I bought for them years ago

[@Africangyal]

I have no guilt either lmao

[@bluhummingbird2179]

Amen. So true. I loved every second of this video. I love your hard work on helping us grow and heal from these traumas that follow into our lives. You have slowly opened up my mind and prayers. Thank you for those wise words Meredith and GOD bless you.👏👏😁🙏🍀💯

[@KristenWack777]

im 52 and lost my father this year. my mother and my gc brother chose this time to finish off our relationship. i totally relate to how this woman feels on every level.

[@reesedaniel5835]

My enabling father died 9 months after I went No Contact. Narc mother used her flying monkey (my gc brother) to try and hoover me back for the funeral, with a huge heaping of guilt. I didn't take the bait Jesus said to "let the dead bury their own dead." (But I did sob for weeks and could not eat for several days afterward, because I did love my dad even though he allowed her to turn him against me.). I've now been No Contact for 4 years.

[@web-craft]

19:49 OMG "Given the opportunity, she would turn me over in a heartbeat". Can relate to this sad dynamic. Being suddenly thrown in the trash is how it feels. The thought that there is still some "good"in her holds me to her, but as you said, it's my responsibility to do what's right and good for me.

[@nicolethompson2234]

this is exactly my story, thank you so much for this!!!

[@womanof13capes23]

The way you answered this is just perfectly said. I love that you highlighted that our mom didn't invent the game, but it was from generational Abuse. I love that you talk about by blaming it causes victimhood. It's us that ends the cycle, we realize that something is happening...but we have to do the work. No contact, grey rock ect. A narcissist will never hear you, understand what you say, always deny no accountability. So no matter how we push back we have to start the process of healing bc they will never seek therapy or try to mend the relationship. It's having the awareness and then Letting go all the years of the abuse. Healing from it and like you said a life long lesson about boundaries. That isn't a bad thing bc we are mostly empath, co dependent...so boundaries will not just help distance from your mom, but also any future people in your life. We attract what we know, so knowing that we didn't know is the way we can start working on it. For me I am just now at the shock and awe of my mom. A recent event shed light on whoa something is wrong and I am somehow looking at my mom in a whole different way. Feel guilty bc I swear she was my hero. The only one in my life that was ever a stable person in my life. But bc of other reasons, like getting clean and sober, dbt completion, finding God, buddhism philosophy, yoga, meditation,Working on emotional regulation, then to have been hit with Multiple sclerosis 4 years and it be aggressive PPMS set up a new set of inner work, adding to what I already learned during my addiction recovery, Working on my panic disorder. Between these two events have really been amazing to show me how strong I am, but because of all this work...working on my chakras and ascending is what opened my eyes with my mom from the recent event. I am now in a new phase of healing, self help in life. So the way you answered this was just gracious. Thank you for all the highlights from not just the adult child but the parent.