Dealing with Emotionally Immature People (and Parents) | Dr. Lindsay Gibson, Being Well Podcast

[@Laz_RS]

I learned at a young age to not show emotion to my parents because they would weaponize it against me.

[@Peacebwyou9295]

Same

[@leifperry1978]

Yep, with you there m8.

[@almondmilksoda]

Me too. I was blamed for everything if I ever had a problem. So I simply pretended not to have any.

[@nuyabeez]

My father will not speak to me if I'm portraying emotion. I'm 30. I'm just realizing how much damage that did now.

[@user-xy2rq1zi3k]

Same

[@didirogakos8855]

I love the calm way you interview!

[@ForrestHanson]

Thank you!

[@alward599]

And without blaming and shaming the immature adult. I think we all know where they learned to parent. So, how can the cycle be stopped?

[@elipru9632]

Ms Gibson on this podcast is great and logical ❤ merci 🙏🏻

[@amyrobe3744]

I wonder how many times people are called narcissistic but they’re really emotionally immature.

[@AlisonChristian-bq4ws]

Lots

[@sarahillman1900]

One doesn’t cancel the other. If narcissism is on a spectrum( which it is) , highly emotionally immature people will likely be on that spectrum .

[@melissavalentine9771]

🎉 right because narcissist has lack/ no empathy.. Where emotionally immature can still have empathy

[@fmgmail]

I may be wrong but narcissism is a category of personality disorder, i.e. behaviours or pattern of behaviours, while emotional immaturity is about stunted emotional development that can be due to avoidant or anxious attachment. In other words, narcissism can result as a manifestation of emotional immaturity. Not all emotionally immature individuals are narcissistic, but most narcissistic individuals are likely immature emotionally. Just my 2 cents worth 😅

[@wallycheladyn1190]

​@@melissavalentine9771I don't think your statement regarding narcissists is accurate.

[@Mermare]

She's such a great guest. If you don't have her books, pick them up or check them out digitally from your library.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

yeh, listening to disentangling on audible nwo, it's so good, it has the questions that torment you.. (and some answers)

[@kaoutar6921]

Hey wich one of her books she talked about the RO self . Thanks in advance.

[@charlie5115]

Which book do you recommend starting with? Overwhelmed with all the books she’s written - their titles are so similar too haha

[@Mermare]

@@charlie5115 I especially like Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

[@Musecollective]

I was in a book club with Lindsay and others last April. She’s revolutionary and her writing is the most eye opening stuff I’ve read. (And I have read every self help book in existence since’87!😂) Life changing!

[@aishawf]

So when is your self-help book coming out???😛

[@abilancini]

how do i join this book club??!

[@pastsubstance2930]

A week ago, I made the mistake of telling my mom she doesn’t know me. She was suggesting career paths. I have one and figuring something out based on my skills and passions. She kept suggesting things out of my field and interests so I told her that you don’t know me and you don’t really ask about my life. Instead of inquiring further, she just doubled down and said “fine, I’ll stop asking you anything.” It’s been two weeks now since that conversation. We would used to talk and although it would be surface level I would ask her about her life and she would ask me how work was doing. Going anywhere deeper scared her away and now I don’t have her anymore. I’m tired of having this kind of mother. I really am.

[@jessicag630]

Seems like your mother was not ill-intended. She may based her suggestion on prospects. Many parents do that out of concerns or maybe they themselves made a mistake in the past of pursuing their less prospective careers. I did a mistake of almost choosing a major based on prestige and prospect, and finally decided to learn what really suits my interest and aptitude. Probably, if it feels like this suggestion suits you, just tell her that you regret accusing her even though she meant well. Say sorry and that you appreciate that she always tries her best to raise you and always guides you. Choose what you want if you have carefully consider the prospect and suitability of the career path with yourself. Choose and decide ON YOUR OWN, not what she suggests. No need to tell her that you will still choose what you want, and not what she wants. Keep any discussion about it out of the conversation with her. Only talks about this decision with a counsellor, best friend/dad/other supportive support system, not with mom. If you say you are tired with this kind of mother, I'm pretty sure you mean with keep having different point of views, ways of thinking and ways of making decisions. Then, discuss with your counsellor if you should consider limiting your contact with her and avoiding arguments that will end up with no agreements between you and mom. Silence is golden sometimes, so either no need to answer or just politely say that you will think about it if she tries to start a discussion about it again. See if it makes you happier. Support sytems who think more similar to me does make me much happier than well intended family and relatives whose thinking and values are so different from mine.

[@harmonyvaneaton4101]

Ya. We can't get new ones. It's really hard to need a proper parent and not have one.

[@JamieR]

​@@jessicag630I'm pretty sure OP meant it is tiring to have someone who is supposed to be a guiding source in life, yet never takes time to get to know OP. So how can she give OP advice when she never bothers to learn who OP truly is, the aspirations, dreams, hopes, and deeper level of being. That means, all well meant advices become moot. And when OP says that is not what I want, and declines advice because it isn't anything OP wants, the mother takes it personally and acts out. Of course that is frustrating to have to deal with. It means we cannot actually be who we are and speak up without it becoming an issue. Without having to conflict solve from something which should've been a basic conversation between two adults. It's exhausting having to constantly have to edit oneself to make sure you don't cause these blowouts. I would probably not give unsolicited advice. These situations are complex. And I think it's also bad correcting what someone else's experience is like. How would you know? You're not in their shoes and living that specific experience. I'm not trying to be crude or mean here. I'm just observing and seeing one person airing their frustrations within the podcasts topic, and another individual who is telling the OP what they are doing is wrong and trying to force their own point of view on them. I can relate so much to OP as I cannot talk to my dad about anything without getting lashed at with rage. And growing up I had to be the conflict solver, even at age 13. By apologizing... When he was the one who was acting like a child and verbally abusing. It was the only way to broker and get rid of the tension. It's exhausting navigating these traits.

[@youparejo]

​@@jessicag630 your advice is....something. You probably mean well, but what you suggest is exactly the mindset and behaviors we (children of immature/narc parents) try to break free from. Always pleasing them, walking on egg shells, having to constantly validate THEIR emotions and neglect ours, and apologize for a mistake we did not make, etc.

[@youparejo]

I am.sorry. this behaviour is annoying, they can hold grudges for small things for so long 🙄. Why is everything so conditional with them?

[@angelmossucco]

I have been subconsciously recreating the kind of relationships where i ‘needed’ to become the role self. Until it became intolerable. Adult children can leave. (Kids cannot). But we adult ‘recreators’ must introspect learn and grieve to stop recreating a pattern we cannot solve. We cannot change or ‘help’ an immature person. Only they can change. So we must choose an emotionally mature person.

[@ebbyc1817]

and be emotionally mature ourselves...

[@sharminiserasinghe3293]

Being an only child of narcissistic, emotionally immature parents is a lifelong nightmare.

[@kaoutar6921]

Omg I feel sorry for you, I was there too but thank allah now I have other siblings and thankfully they keep my parents busy and not only focus on me hhhh funny and sad at the same time. Take care sweetie ❤

[@SallyAlmito]

Story of my life. I’m almost done with college and i’m planning on moving abroad to create some physical distance. I feel like that is the only way I can protect myself from them.

[@こなた-m1o]

@@SallyAlmitomoving abroad made everything better for me. still had lots of healing to do there but it was game changing. came back because my dad was having health issues and everything went downhill again mental health wise

[@Olgaf4562]

You are beautiful. Well done. Love.

[@onazna7123]

I hear you. I see you

[@krrowthemyuii]

16:55 My parents would actually TELL me that I was the problem. I didn't just assume that. They would say I was annoying, loud, too sensitive, a burden, too needy, boring, a "party pooper", a scardey cat/ checken, stupid/ dumb/ r-tarded, weird, etc. They would blame me for stuff I didn't do, and got really angry or made fun of me for accidents and mistakes. So I believed very deeply that I was defective and should never have existed. I think my parents were beyond just "emotionally immature" but Dr. Gibson's books definitely made me more aware of and gave me a name for that aspect of their behavior. Reading the book Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, many times I stopped and thought, "Wow, this feels as if someone followed my family around and used it as a case study!" It was so accurate in so many ways.

[@veraroyen4986]

❤❤😢breaks my heard 💔❤❤

[@blueberriesrfine5538]

I'm sorry you grew up that way; you did not deserve it. You should have been cherished and loved unconditionally. Best thing you can do is treat your own children differently, if you have children. That's what I did and it's healing.

[@OutOfContextForever]

Y.e.s. This.

[@musicbrazilian7065]

This exchange made me cry. After years of therapy I have began to have the courage of asking for my needs to be met and boundaries however my emotionally immature friends rejected me, they are so used to me being their care giver that they called me arrogante for once asking not to be their therapist or their support system without reciprociry.

[@livejadelive]

Why would you ask your friends for the *right* to be a happy individual though?

[@jclyntoledo]

​@@livejadeliveyou obviously don't understand the video or OP's comment. No one is saying anyone is responsible for their happiness, OP is clearly saying her friends are emotionally immature and don't respect her boundaries which disrupts her peace aka makes it so she can't be happy around them. The more you know 🌈

[@jclyntoledo]

Also you deserve better friends, remember they aren't family so you don't need to find reasons to keep them in your life if you don't feel they are showing up for you or respecting your boundaries.

[@livejadelive]

@@jclyntoledo Oh my....

[@imbolc8024]

@@jclyntoledo isn't it the same family - friends, to me it 'had' to be seen that this is the situation (sadly), not because a person is family, that it's 'must be good and i'll force myself till i drop' - what i did...

[@angelmossucco]

What Dr. Gibson says at approximately minute 33 feels revolutionary. She says that at first emotionally immature people are people pleasers and then they expect to receive unconditional love from their partner as if they were a little children and should be able to do anything without losing the love of their partner including putting demands on them that mutual adult partners should not put on each other that relate to control. In other words, they seem to be the child in the relationship with an unconditionally loving parent. But the strain that that puts on the other partner means that the other partner would have to become like a parent but to a grown person

[@kognitivescientist]

Both are parents to each other to a degree, and both are children to a degree… what happened to Eric Berne and ego states theory? Now we are seeing pathology in it - but is it necessary indeed? Is the discomfort (to person and others) is significant to a degree we should bother about this? I don’t know, I’m not convinced yet we should improve something that works or happens too often in society.

[@KB-ih5gf]

@@kognitivescientistperhaps it’s a matter of degree?

[@spinnettdesigns]

@@kognitivescientistI can understand why you say this but it’s very hard on those who do decide to move and an mature, to continue to feel that they have to “go back” to try to sooty another adult who won’t do the work to grow up. This doesn’t mean that the person that stays immature is not a good person or worthy of friendship or love. It just makes life charged with a lot more drama because they see things from a child’s perspective. What helped me to work at growing up was EFT. You can find it here on KZbin by Brad Yates or the sort nerd and many others. Our life experience is what formed our personality and it’s up to the adult to learn to sift through that, to see what’s true and viable and what they should let go of. My siblings (that are long ago senior citizens) are this way and it’s excruciating to deal with their drama. They don’t want to put the effort into learning how to self-regulate. It took me over 20 years of therapy and changing everything about myself and it’s been painful and expensive but it’s been worth it to me and I have mature friends, which are a tremendous gift. They hung in there with me as they watched me struggle to get better. On the other side, as I matured, other immature friends no longer wanted to be with me, because I wouldn’t baby them anymore. That was very painful for me too, but that is their choice and I have to live with it. It’s been a long hard road but I would never go back to being immature and I wish others could also enjoy this great feeling.

[@EarInn]

She didn't say emotionally immature people do that, she said that people raised by emotionally immature parents do that.

[@spinnettdesigns]

@@EarInn it’s important that we realize that this can apply in many settings, and not just one.

[@Fireproofwitchnz]

Not me watching this to find ways to deal with myself 😂

[@zahra7985]

😂

[@Diario.sanar.healing.journal]

Same 😅

[@ForrestHanson]

Honestly, respect.

[@DavidMusic5885]

a nice amount of comments

[@karenyendall7511]

Me too 🙏🏾 ​@@zahra7985

[@Dawn-tv1bk]

I hope she writes a book specifically for “spouses of emotionally immature spouses”

[@Idk555idc]

Im no pro but i would guess that you ( or they ) are unconsciously trying to resolve the trauma of the emotionally immature parent by getting in a relationship with a similar person in hopes that you will succeed in changing them. This is of course impossible because people will always double down on what theyre doing when they suspect that someone is trying to change them to satisfy their own needs. This is manipulative yes, but in a deeply unconscious way. So theres no need to feed guilty about it. I heard someone say that most hetero ( and non hetero for that matter ) relationships end because the woman wants the man to change, but he doesnt. And the man hopes the woman doesnt leave him, but she does. This is an overgeneralisation of course, but it is true for many cases. So it is a common pattern. Essentially what im saying is that by healing your relationship to the immature parent, you are healing your relationships in general. And by trying to do the opposite ( healing a specific relationship to try and heal the trauma that the parent left you with ) you will probably fail, because we project our parental relationships to all other relationships.

[@Dawn-tv1bk]

@@Idk555idc no. That’s not the case here. But thanks for your input.

[@Vic-jw7vb]

Yes 🎉 need a book on eip spouse's

[@marykatherinerosson213]

Figure out what their attachment style is , then start listening to things on that specifically. You’ll be able to tell how immature or “insecurely attached” they are.

[@leluyaa]

Yeah, my wife'd need that. I'm impossible 😔

[@bradley244ify]

I am 74 and it is so interesting to see people of late expecting that anyone is anything but a work in progress. I remember being younger and thinking every generation would naturally do better than the last. My children were almost grown before I realized life was much more of a crap shoot and nobody ended up with the wisdom or access to the whole story, an all around even development and especially I began to have more sympathy for my peers my parents and hopefully my children as they make their way through life. Right now I find myself amazed at how much more I need to learn and need to change. I thought learning would be done by now. I struggle.

[@HappyMomma412]

I struggle, too.

[@kathleengainor8532]

Thank you for sharing how you stay receptive to growth.

[@nell6139]

Beautiful observation and wise words. Thank you for sharing. The world needs more compassion. X

[@briobarb8525]

Well said.. and AMEN!

[@briobarb8525]

😅. Don't we all? Well said. Interesting how much wiser we get in our later years. Or at least some of us do. Even if that wisdom comes by way of difficult unexpected lessons. Namaste!

[@spencerbrown6214]

Oh my goodness, we so need to teach emotional regulation to all our children in schools across the world. It would make such a difference. 💕🌎💕

[@ultimateoptimist5217]

It's called the Bible aka God's word. That's all we need.

[@robynalvin2849]

We are teaching it but mostly to exceptional children, not the general population.

[@liviaglynn]

Sure would've saved me a lot of time and trouble! And I wouldn't even say that my mom did a bad job it's just that she was the only parent and had to work and I can imagine having a kid right now and not having the energy to focus on that part of being a parent and not realizing how important it is especially with such a Charismatic and mature child. Either way, we shouldn't assume that parents are doing this properly and it would save a lot of good people from traumatic experiences with others. I happily and diligently focus on being good for people now that I'm aware of it. It truly is like being a parent to myself. I'm shocked that I didn't realize that I have control over my behaviour and how I affect people sooner and it's very lucky that I found out at all. I'm also very glad I did because it finally feels like I fit in. For the first time. And I'm 31 🥲🥹🥰

[@PeggyLawrence-cn1jn]

I doubt teachers would have the time for all that after all, how many children are in an average class these days? 20 to 30 individuals? hmmm

[@こなた-m1o]

@@ultimateoptimist5217the bible does not help at all in fact it causes many of these problems

[@Theplaylist510]

ROUND OF APPLAUSE TO THIS INTERVIEWER!!! He was kind, respectful and compassionate. You sir got a new subscriber.

[@Hinz2005]

same!

[@theresabarzee1463]

Hear, hear.

[@masterpep7218]

Exactly. And let's not forgot the bonus: the summary at the end. Where do you see that nowadays, when podcasters are afraid that the TL;DR viewers will skip all of it and just how the summary? Very attentive host indeed.

[@Melissajohnson22]

Came here to say this!

[@nadalia832]

What an incredibly meaningful experience it was listening to this! Thank you Forest and thank you to your guest, Dr. Gibson. Btw, your final summary is always amazingly helpful in reviewing all the main points and connecting all the dots!

[@ForrestHanson]

Really appreciate it

[@catsmeow3478]

The book was outstanding, it resonated massively, having been raised by two emotionally immature parents. It made sense of the statement my college boyfriend at the time made about my mother, “I feel sorry for her, she’s like a 5-yr old girl who never had her needs met.” When my alcoholic brother drank himself to death ten years ago, she said to me, “he was an emotional midget,” and I thought, it takes one to know one and to create one.

[@TheAdventuresofSnickersandMinn]

Yes!

[@melissavalentine9771]

🤔 true 😢

[@ScorpionMaiden75]

Me growing up fawning response, Stockholm syndrome. good kid, never gets in trouble. Having ptsd, cptsd, extreme fight or flight, ocd adhd, blackout fighter and stress seizures from being raised by my parents. Dad beat the hell outta my mom. Did the same to me and caused bodily damage. I ended up in foster care off and on since about 3 years old. Been in therapy since I was about 8 years old. I learned real quick how not to piss off my dad. Now I'm working on how I should be navigating in my adult relationships. Thank you for this video. It means alot. 💜💕🦋🔥👑🔥🦋💕💜

[@john-ic5pz]

@ScorpionMaiden75 ty. I never heard of blackout fighter. that describes me well. I always wondered where it came from. ❤️‍🩹 ty again

[@maryb6529]

❤

[@ScorpionMaiden75]

@@john-ic5pz You're welcome dear. I'd never wish it on anyone. There are therapies out there that do help lessen it. I been through three rounds of EMDR and it does help alot. Wish you well on your healing journey 🫂💞 💜💕🦋🔥👑🔥🦋💕💜

[@ScorpionMaiden75]

@@maryb6529 💞🫂💞 💜💕🦋🔥👑🔥🦋💕💜

[@ScorpionMaiden75]

@@john-ic5pz You're welcome my friend. Glad I could give clarity to a missing piece of the puzzle. 💞🫂💞 You got this.. 💜💕🦋🔥👑🔥🦋💕💜

[@alic5509]

Watching this on Mother's Day which, by choice, I decided to take a temporary break from my mom who is emotionally immature and this is my own self-care gift. It's been an extra stressful number of years, as she ages, being blamed, shamed and demeaned. Sometimes you have to take a break to heal.

[@SH-vj2ce]

Same.

[@Godsdaughter-PraisetheKing]

I did the same

[@kimtonearts]

If you can't handle permanent relationships, don't get married either. All of you sound like nightmare children, and teens who shout "I wish I was never born!" before slamming the bedroom door. This is a culture issue. Some cultures would never DISHONOR PARENTS in such ways. So stop patting each other on the back. There's no such thing as perfect parents or kids. Comparing yourselves to other ppls' projected illusions is making you vain and bitter.

[@catsmeow3478]

I took a break to heal too, it’s been four years and I’m healing, which I couldn’t do in the ongoing toxicity and trauma. I read the guest’s book a year ago, which helped a lot. I see things much more clearly and have set very firm boundaries and my number one priority is my health and healing. I wish the same for you.

[@ninifire4282]

Mother’s Day is a bad time to do that… it’ll make her more chaotic because it’s extremely painful to be separated from your child on Mother’s Day But taking a break is good for you Boundaries are good too I had to completely cut off contact from my emotionally abusive mom at 19 It hurts everyday

[@mariiachu170]

What's scary is when you're casually listening to these podcasts and one of the guest speakers perfectly describes a situation that is hours away from happening in your very day.

[@michele0324]

At the age of 6 I knew my mother wasn't safe and I had to be as small, quiet and invisible as possible to stay safe. I learned to approach my mother only if it was necessary and in public, and I understood having basic needs meant physical, verbal and mental abuse; mostly behind closed doors. I absolutely chose safety above all else because my mother put my life at risk and more than once. At the age of 17 I made the decision to never have children so I wouldn't repeat the cycle. My mother's behaviour changed the trajectory of my life and opened me up to abuse by partners as an adult. No matter how much distance or therapy I think the sigh of relief I'm longing for will only come after her passing.

[@johnmitchell8925]

Im in the same though process. I'm 63 male

[@KWatt-h1w]

I too thought I would be free after the death of my mother. And physically you are free from her. But I still carry the scars of my childhood. The pain she has caused me is still with me. I am 67 and it's a daily struggle. I wish all the best for you.

[@MikkiPike]

kind of tired for relying on myself tbh, but I can at least acknowledge it is certainly nice to have that much security for myself. I know a decent relationship for me will come along at some point. it's just hard to feel like it's going to be anything other than another 3 decades before I once again feel the kind of happiness that made me realize who I am and what I want for myself in the first place. thank you for hosting another wonderful talk with seeds being planted for introspection. hope it helps others as well 💖

[@kognitivescientist]

People are wired to have connection with each other and and feel accepted and involved in “tribe”/community. Where does relying on yourself coming from, as a role model? Why? It kinda makes society even more sick and therapists making more from lonely patients… What everyone should actually work on is a quality of own connections with others - if there is any questions in own dynamic there…

[@peacefulisland67]

All my life I've been trying to understand emotions. For now, what keeps my attention and helps ease my suffering as an emotionally immature person (all of us have been kids and most become parents) is knowing my own parents were short-changed, and their parents as well. The echo carries on. When people genuinely express love toward me every fiber in my body cringes, goes numb, or stutters in confusion. It's entirely possible I may be this way for the rest of my life, but the question that snaps me out of self pity and depression is, "Can you (I) work with that?" At 57, realizing this isn't all my "fault" (like little kids think), and that most of my people generationally and linearly suffer or have suffered the same confusions and sorrow keeps me from isolation. Absolutely, I choose to deny or limit contact with family because of my lack of ability, but also, over the years I've seen how helpful it is to be with non-family to work out feelings or lack of them.

[@Thursdaysindecember]

Receiving love can be so difficult when you were taught you were unlovable. Good for you to be insightful enough to realize this and work on it. Lean into the discomfort of being loved! Hopefully it will slowly lose its edge and you can truly feel the love of others or your own self love.

[@jclyntoledo]

Therapy can also help with this especially DBT 😇.

[@gbdffr392]

59 years old and only now recognise that my parents have been and still are emotionally teenagers . 😱🤯😱

[@sunnyadams5842]

58 here and 4 years in to the KNOWLEDGE that my parents are either Narcissists, Narcissistic or extremely immature. It played havoc on my life until 4 years ago.. i'm not sure which each of them is. What I DO KNOW is that doesn't matter. What matters is discovering my own fault lines and healing myself. I can't bring my parents up any longer. I was killing myself trying to set a good example ....for my parents!! Lol!!

[@MejganZia]

I understand.​@@sunnyadams5842

[@ChocolateJewels]

The realization hit me about a week ago that my mother (76) is actually a covert narcissist. And my dad one of the other types. My brother and I never had half a chance at a half ways decent childhood. He’s an alcoholic. I’m not. I went into perfectionism, neuroticism, never being good enough or doing something well enough, etc., the whole lot for decades. I’m slowly finding my way out.

[@Daisy.Mohajane]

I'm only 24 and you just explained me and my older sister who is 13 years older than me

[@TheYazmanian]

It's rare to see someone's smile reach their eyes. This guy's smile is very genuine and warm. Something comforting about it😢

[@Mushroom321-]

It is comforting !!! Like a hug!! 😊😯🤗

[@MellowBellow1]

Is it so rare? It’s beautiful to be sure, but it’s not rare. …

[@TheYazmanian]

@@MellowBellow1 in your opinion. From my perspective, it is rare.

[@TheYazmanian]

@@Mushroom321- it is !! 💛

[@MellowBellow1]

@@TheYazmanian yes. But that’s my point. … you don’t see how much it happens. It’s not rare. That’s not an opinion. It’s a fact. Your opinion is that it’s rare. Because you don’t see it.

[@Marlenkaminta]

Realising how many times I didn't even notice my pain, and the pain caused by others to protect the 'connection' was such a difficult process, and sometimes it still is. The neglect and bypassing was so 'normal' and familiar and it didn't register as something wrong with the way the other one treats me, but something wrong with me, and I am just too sensitive and difficult as I have so often heard during my childhood, and as a woman born into this patriarchal structure later on too. This messaging is everywhere. In films, advertising, songs, literature etc. This realisation has been both freeing and devastating at the same time.

[@kristilee7006]

I resonate 100% with this. It takes courage to begin to validate our own pain because we may realize we have to sever the connection in order to preserve our own emotional well-being.

[@spinnettdesigns]

Have you heard of HSP? (Highly sensitive person) you might want to look into it. Self care is essential when dealing with people like this, who even border in narcissistic behavior

[@Marlenkaminta]

@@spinnettdesigns There was a period in my process when I explored the HSP narrative, however personally I didn’t find it helpful. My difficulties are connected to recognizing highly insensitive people :)) Jokes aside being raised by such people, and living in a society where the messaging is pretty dehumanizing and desentatizing it’s a process to finally realize that the problem is not my ‘sensitivity’. Leaving that mindset was freeing. The sad part was facing how my own lack of knowledge, role models and healthy experience prevented me to exit that self blaming dynamic much earlier. It is what it is. Wish you all the best on your journey! ✨

[@lauracarstiou3505]

Emotional abuse is when your partner says you are too sensitive when they are undermining your self esteem whenever they can

[@menkedejong9968]

I totally agree with you. Through this podcast I indeed realised that it is my habit and familiarity with abuse and neglect, to not notice it at first. Though later on I did wonder why I Iet it all happen, the way it did. Now I understand why and that is a pretty shocking realisation! I also know that every time when I am confronted with this kind of behaviour of others, it will be a challenge and a test, what my reaction will be. As the realisation is there now, everytime will be a new chance for the slowly scaving away of the old pattern so the new healthy pattern can start to emerge.

[@vishnupriya.k.p.]

If Forrest Hanson is reading this and is capable, please give Dr. Lindsay Gibbson love from Vish 18 year old from India. I just want Dr. Lindsay Gibbson to know that she just ressurected me, I want her to know how thankful i am to have read her words. Her books took me days to finish, each sentence is like hitting on the nail and i have to walk around taking deep breathes and accepting it, i feel like i am living again. when i look into the mirror even though i have done nothing to my appearence it feels like i am finally seeing myself.

[@anamembrives3411]

I've realized that my people pleasing tendencies come from my relationship with my parents. It was obvious but also really confusing.

[@ch3ngg]

same. how are you dealing with it and how are you working on the people pleasing?

[@mollyprior5288]

​@ch3ngg not the OP but this is something I've been facing in my life and I found the people pleasing to be very linked to shame. It was a revelation to realise that not everyone will or should like me and that it's not actually a reflection of my worth. Also, starting to practice boundary setting, it's like building a new muscle.

[@ch3ngg]

@@mollyprior5288 oh id love to hear more about the shame aspect. for me its quite close and may even be the same - people pleasing is linked to fear of rejection. how do you navigate your relationships, specifically with parents/parent figures? reevaluating the relationship when you realise that the one you want and need with them will not be an actual tangible reality.

[@janberger4057]

People Pleasing was the coping mechanism I used as a child to survive in a violent home. I also stayed very quiet and didn't ask for anything. It worked pretty well when I was a child, but it has been a curse as an adult. A counselor recently pointed out that I tend to attract Narcissistic Takers, which has been incredibly exhausting. I finally reached a breaking point when my children were young, my widowed elderly mother was dependent on me, and my CPAN husband refused to help with anything. It has been a long, hard road to setting firm boundaries and creating healthier ways to interact with people. Avoiding Narcissists and other toxic types is helping.

[@scheitahnberg]

this video alone is doing such heavy lifting in understanding this topic. thank you so much

[@ladylo-fi6979]

Excellent guest. Would you be open to a Part II of this that included people raised by emotionally immature parents telling their stories of how they eventually found healthy romantic relationships, how they had to change in order to do this, etc.?

[@dorishaus400]

I would love a part 2 also! My husband and I are both from large families, with emotionally immature parents, siblings and we are both emotionally immature! We just married 4 years ago, I was the first person he told about how he was abused in his family from his brother who was 13 years older than him. I listened to this podcast 3 times yesterday and then another time with my husband in the evening. We are both in childhood trauma therapy and I am bringing this podcast to her at my next appointment! This explains so much of what we are going through in our marriage. Thanks for suggesting a part 2!

[@amychen2504]

This is exactly what happened to me. I gave way too much then eventually expected my partner to serve me because, after all, I had met all my mother's needs to stay safe. He refused and I was devastated for years. Emotionally Immature parents set you up for a lifetime of struggle because you are trying to get what you can't get from them from others. If you change the cycle, you get the hit of the loss without the compensation of passing it on so that someone takes care of you. You just care for others inappropriately at first and then appropriately (if you have kids). It's so so hard.

[@punyashloka4946]

Yeah its hard and painful also. But we have to heal ourselves as much as possible.

[@lauracarstiou3505]

I totally relate to that

[@JuliaDarling84]

You've put that so well. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about.

[@TreasureDeal]

I agree. It's hard to relearn to live better.

[@tafynicole]

Thank you for saying this. This is exactly my story

[@Blingblam]

as an emotionally immature man, her book saved my life. I was close to ending it all until I read it.

[@Creationweek]

"we have a view that people are more like machines" yes but paradoxically we live in a culture that doesn't recognize that our machine needs maintenance and repairs. And that redlining an engine all day will result in catastrophic failure. Worst of all worlds.

[@Cymricus]

what i’ve noticed is it’s the entire family, myself included. i love how she mentioned we compartmentalize and mature in different threads. i definitely cope better with work stress and i act like a 7 year old in close relationships, and like a 2 year old with my immediate family. very enlightening stuff.

[@menkedejong9968]

At least you have the insight and that for sure is a start! :)

[@theresabarzee1463]

Well noted!

[@octaviahh8774]

I was never able to create a role self in childhood. This got me into trouble a lot, caused conflict and withdrawal on my part. My parents treated me like a bad kid for speaking out and refusing to fit into the role they were trying to give me. Even now as an adult my mother is still trying to put me into her box of who she thinks i need to be and again, its causing problems because i wont play ball. Its really sad to think she will never see ME but a version of me she created in her mind that serves her emotional needs.

[@briobarb8525]

Good recognition...good luck!

[@katiemurphy1716]

“trying to put me into her box of who she thinks I need to be…she will never see me but a version of me she created in her mind that serves her emotional needs” THAT. COMMENT. 👏👏 Very insightful. The way you articulated your comment helped me understand things better and in a different prospective. Thank you 🙏

[@maryannbaretta1989]

I was never able to be my self never really realized this I'm older now and the loss of true self if heartbreaking and grieiveous

[@maryannbaretta1989]

These immature personality disorders well the ruin everyone around them their thinking and beliefs are very much unrealistic😢😮

[@taramceown2919]

Omg this is both my mother and father and I still have no understanding or ability to predict their responses I have no close friends because I don’t understand peoples actions and emotional responses It’s easier to be alone than deal with constant anxiety in social situations

[@alen2937]

Sadly for you, you will have to learn the hard way, by making mistakes. You will learn and endure if you really have it in you to go beyond your comfort position.

[@jenpearlman9133]

Thank you. This podcast made me cry because it resonated so much. I wished I had a therapist like her early in my life. I'm going to read her book.

[@AAa-jp2gc]

What she says is so true . Even the title of the book resonated so much with me - " adult children of EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE PARENTS " I am 36 yrs and I still suffer the impact of my parents emotionally immature behaviours .i still long for that love and emotional connection with people . I now realise , i have never growm older and i m still a child looking for solid human relationships

[@NilasJunkyard]

The more I listen to this, the more I see my father. I even realize new patterns in him. He usually project this egocentric onto me and everything he hates about himself. Last time I tried to connect, he invited me to open up to him, just to shame and shout at me for 30mins. I am not allowed to show my personality or talk about what I like/dislike ect. I remember him laughing at my 9-year-old self for being afraid of certain things. He does not want to get to know me or connect in any way, but makes fun of my struggles or when I get hurt. He's an alcoholic bully and I know how bad it sounds when I say 'In death he'll finally see how much he hurt me'.

[@hlnmarie]

Wow, I think your father had 2 families.😅😅😅

[@briobarb8525]

I hope you learn...or have learned to quit setting yourself up for more hurt and disappointment. An empty well... Is an empty well!

[@masterpep7218]

What you are displaying is a classic toxic relationship, created by an immature person with low self esteem, who uses a family member (his own child, a true disgrace) for his own ego to be boosted. You will NEVER get rid of this behaviour until you're in this relationship, as your very existence for your father is that you are a tool he uses to compensate for his shortcomings, which he is unable to deal with. Your only option to get out of the torment is to break all bonds with such a person. Even if it's your own father. Read about it, it will make all the difference. Nobody is meant to live just to suffer for someone else's shortcomings. Especially a father that loves his child should know that. And if he doesn't, do you really want to keep your relationship with such a person, for whom you do not exist but as a doormat? All of us wish for parents who love us but that is not always a given. Many parents consider their children as tools for their ego. Which is why it is natural that at some point children leave the family home. And depending on how caring a parent is, sometimes to never return again.

[@joanfolds476]

I actually purchased the book back in 2016. It is excellent! The only needs that were met in my family of origin were physical (e.g., food, clothing, etc.). The mental, psychological, social, and intellectual, were unconsciously omitted. Status was very important to my late mother. She wanted to be the best mother in the world (perfectionistic). But she didn't have the internal capacity to display any of the necessary characteristics.

[@chasing-mental-clarity]

i’m 29 years old and recently diagnosed with ADHD. her description of the emotionally immature parent is exactly my situation to a T. she understands that these parents meant well, but missed the mark, while other videos i’ve watched tend to brush those parents off. my mom had a terrible childhood and she did her darn best as a single mom to raise her 3 kids including me, in a new country that isn’t her own. i’m sure she has undiagnosed ADHD as well, and loads of unprocessed trauma as is the case with many older generations ie mental health stigma. there are so many layers to this, it’s textbook intergenerational trauma. i’m trying to break the cycle and walk the fine line of compassion and accountability. i’m trying to get better for me and build a strong foundation for myself, and then try to help others around me as best i can along the way. i hope everyone here reaches their goals. best of luck to everyone

[@briobarb8525]

Namaste!

[@chasing-mental-clarity]

@@briobarb8525 namaste ☮️

[@DeeDee-44]

ADHD is said to be a response to trauma. Look up Gabor Mate.

[@chasing-mental-clarity]

@@DeeDee-44 yeah i’m aware

[@treslechestogo]

I could have literally written this about myself, I even checked to make sure I had not written it and forgotten 😂😂 Blessings to you, you are not alone.

[@dorishaus400]

What a great interview and also a wonderful overview! And a wonderful discussion here in the comments! Being the youngest of 10 children, with elderly parents who were just worn out not narcissistic, I was not nurtured or taught how to self soothe etc. So I am emotionally immature and I raised 2 sons and I realized now as a teenage parent I thought I did a good job but I passed on that emotional immaturity. I’m 60 now and my sons are 43 and 40 and are fathers with great jobs. But they both married emotionally immature women who have caused lots of drama and separation in our family. I’m grateful to live 4,000 miles away from all of them! I’m just keeping the peace on my side of the street to be able to see my grandchildren once a year. I’m working on accepting my responsibility and releasing any resentment towards my parents or siblings who have passed on. I’ve listened to this interview 3 times by myself and once with my husband. It was so eye opening to me! Like looking at my real self reflection in the mirror. Bringing it to my therapist attention on Thursday! Thanks so much Forrest for walking with all of us on this self discovery journey of healing and living the best life that was there for us as newborn babies before other stuff changed that. Grateful to connect with my little girl inside!! 💖

[@toto-dh9dw]

Thanks for sharing... it gave me confirmation about my dad... he was last of 8th with mother exhausted due to being after war generation... i never blamed him but wondered what was wrong with him.... back in a day noone talked about it properly.. thry just diagnosed you with shitso and locked u up in hospital.. it took me 20 years study psychology to put this in my mind to rest. Thank you.such stuff noone learns in therapy. ... time shows it.. my father also learnt before he died. But he shut it down woth alkohol..wish he lived and we could talk about it

[@lindaingalls8210]

I hear you!

[@marthawhite3353]

I think that in this podcast, Dr. Gibson is demonstrating what authenticity looks like. She has written some great books, and done many interviews! and yet, she doesn't repeat herself, use the same phrases over and over and she brings a freshness and thoughtfulness to each interview. She is really listening to the interviewer, and then considering her response for a moment and then she replies. Nice, I am working on being like this. It is definitely worth the effort.

[@feliciaflores6107]

Great insight! 😊

[@dzh0molungma]

Wow.. this is so timely for me. Yesterday I had a fight with my mum. She was criticizing and picking at me all evening before I got angry and stood up for myself ("it's your problem, you have insecurities "- her constant catchphrase..so I told her she's being mean). Today she sends me a message" I know I'm not perfect, but I can't promise you to change. I suggest you don't judge me and try to understand me instead and be polite. BEING ANGRY IS UNHEALTHY try to be loving instead" .. This interview is so validating to me! It's so refreshing as I don't really get validation for my emotional 'authentic self' often. Thank you for the upload!

[@Starstorm111]

I told my adoptive “mother” this year I had some big taxes to pay, and I was struggling and not gonna have holidays just try to solve my situation the better I could. She did not even ask a question just said: I understand you… ( I was like: what do you understand??) Next 2 times she calls me she keeps asking: tell me about you! Are you going on holidays or doing something with your friends this summer? It’s like she’s taking to a 12 yo person.. like no awareness about anything. I’m 32 and I’m just so tired of fake, shallow nonsense conversations. It’s sad and I grieved her.. I just distanced myself is just so draining

[@Alyciamarie345]

Ummmm … what are you upset about ?

[@Rose-gm9mm]

Thank you Forrest.. I think this was by far your best podcast!

[@ForrestHanson]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@xKarenWalkerx]

She is basically describing personality disorders and attachment styles without labeling anything. This is a terrific discussion for anyone wanting the base roots explanation of why some people just don't have it in them to arrive maturely in a relationship. Here's a tip: you are not their father or mother. Emoting onto these dynamics is INCESTUOUS AND WRONG ON EVERY LEVEL. There are people whose job it is to help them - no need to make it yours.

[@melissavalentine9771]

🎉

[@FigaroHey]

My emotionally and otherwise immature brother and sister-in-law took physical care of their three kids but had no ability to enter into their world, understand their feelings, help them work through them or guide them in any steady, reliable way. Once the kids were fed and washed, it was "Go." Go outside and play, go in your room and play, go watch TV. Go somewhere else because we're busy or we want to smoke weed or watch TV. Just go away and take your emotional and developmental and intellectual and spiritual and social needs with you. I was the kids' secondary caretake from age 14 to 24. I spent all the time with them WITH them: talking, playing, reading to them, doing crafts, going for walks, teaching them manners and how the world works, dealing with their emotions and helping them feel safe and supported instead of yelled at. Their parents' message was, "You're a problem and obstacle to me." Mine was, "You are my favorite people in the world and I love being with you." The oldest of the three went into early child development and daycare and is amazing with kids, because, she says, she wanted to be like me when she grew up. The second said as an adult that for the first ten years of his life, I basically raised him and was the real parent in his life. The third has become a very closely connected dad with his kids, saying he did not get that modelled by his parents, but by me. Those three kids have a lot of baggage because of their parents' failings and immaturity. But having had a stable, loving attentive person in their young childhood was obviously, to them, a saving grace. The nuclear family is a modern, western aberration. The idea that it's the parents and only the parents who can or should emotionally nurture kids and anyone else stepping in when young, immature parents are overwhelmed and failing is 'incestuous' is pure BS. All cultures before the industrial revolution were multi-generational cultures in which it took a village to raise kids. Natural, traditional cultures absolutely understand that the American model of an isolated couple trying to raise kids in a bubble with no help or support from outside is bizarre, ridiculously hard and damaging to kids. Children need grandparents, aunts and uncles and even just community members to relieve the parents and take up the slack where parents fail.

[@Hinz2005]

Needed this. Thank you

[@robynalvin2849]

It would be easy to explain to a spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend that their parent is emotionally, immature, what they should do about it, how they should heal it, how you would be there for them, but this would be more the role of a Therapist.

[@xKarenWalkerx]

@@FigaroHey You're explaining something different. Raising your brother's kids because he wasn't able to emotionally. You aren't in a relationship with them; you helped raised them. My comment was directed at people who engage in an intimate level (as partners/spouses) with people that don't have the ability to be present in a mature healthy way. For them, they do assume parental roles in that relationship and dynamics (by default) which definitely is emotional incest on every level. If you go deeper, parental love can't ever be replaced in the sense that a spouse will ever fully fill that role truly. It will be one-sided, selfish and also the fact that many dynamics are authoritative, instructive, demanding - none of this should exist in a marriage or relationship, it is very emotionally incestuous. Also the fact that in many cases if your parentified, there's the whole fact that children break way from their parents - meaning all of their abuse is them perceiving you as a parent and "breaking free" through abuse and rejection. If you fully think about it this way, there's no way someone can be someone's spouse and parent-figure at the same time. They need a 3rd party to "re-parent" and "reframe" their regressed ways of childish thinking to fully digest and process their emotional trauma and be able to arrive into their relationships in mature and healthy ways. In your case, you were the third party. You weren't in a relationship with them. The emotional incest part doesn't apply to you.. You actually did act like a therapist in that sense, as you re-parented them and did the job of a parent, which is what the concept of therapy actually revolves around.

[@jenniferdavoll8530]

Hi Forrest - I have been listening to your podcast for a couple of years. Almost every single episode has resonated with me in some way and I want to thank you for all that you do. This episode with Dr Lindsay Gibson resonated with me most of all. One of my biggest struggles to date has been romantic relationships. I’ve had therapy, read endless books, journaled and listened to helpful podcasts. Maybe it was a matter of time and all of these things working together but I have to say I had the biggest AHA moments listening to this particular episode. Dr Gibson has a way of explaining things that makes so much sense. I absorbed every word and will listen to this several more times. It was also very validating. I am forever grateful you had her as a guest. Thank you again.

[@ForrestHanson]

Thank you!

[@Sarahwithanh444]

LOVE LOVE LOVE!! Lindsay Gibson’s book has been instrumental in my healing, I cannot speak highly enough of her! I’m so happy you had her on the podcast, thank you for such a deep and rich conversation 🙏🙏

[@kaoutar6921]

Hi which one plz

[@ShonjiPowerOf2]

She's spot on that it's extremely frustrating when someone won't admit that reality and how they feel about what happened is different and when they do they say "but that's how I feel" and won't allow you to push for why

[@a-ohara]

I really liked Forrest's question asking how we can nurture our relationship with the self, our "secure base." I don't know if Dr. Gibson answered his question. I would really like the answer to that. I think it comes from caring for ourselves. This can't happen if we are still obsessing about our parents because we're still fixed on them, not ourselves. It's so true, pain is the remedy. That moment when you really see their true colours and realize that you are not seen. That's what it was for me. It was the shock I needed to start thinking about myself and stop thinking about them. A transformational moment!

[@Ytvzoey]

I’ve talked with my friends about this so I can give you a brief summary about what we concluded - maybe it will resonate. I often see my extroverted friends seeking a relationship with self that mimics extrovert behavior. They go out and actively try to know themselves by doing an activity in hopes of finding unconditional love and joy from within. Or at the very least, a loving, dynamic relationship with themselves - happily ever after so to speak. But relationship with self really isn’t like that. I think developing a relationship with self is all about trust. Trusting your intuition. Trusting your feelings. Listening to that voice from within but also knowing when to ignore the introjects that pop up and sifting through the junk you’ve been programmed to think about yourself. It’s about truly knowing what’s “your voice” and being able to see and not react to all the other stuff. There’s a lot of things we do or say that often aren’t in line with our own authentic self. It’s something we’ve learned and been conditioned to think is our voice. You can develop a strong sense of your values, beliefs, and voice, if you take the time to sit with yourself. And yes, you’re absolutely right. The focus needs to shift from others - to you. Instead of “why did X do this?” The question becomes, “when X happened - how did it make me feel?” “Why did I react that way?” “Where have I done that before?” “Is this a pattern?” And the key is to be non-judgemental. You’re not analyzing yourself to criticize and say what ought to have happened. You’re truly asking yourself in a very curious way, “hmm? That’s odd? How come I acted that way?” It boils down to self awareness. Focusing on the actions of others doesn’t get us any closer to self awareness. It usually confuses us. But mostly it just makes us enmeshed with their stuff. If the wound is from parents, and it’s big, it’s really important to grieve that. And then, when you’re ready, start self awareness. The two cannot happen at the same time. This is from my own personal experience. Im an introvert by nature but even I could not sit and analyze myself in the context of grief. It simply cannot happen - and you also don’t end up grieving fully. This I also know from experience with patients. Im a physician and have seen a fare share of grief working on the palliative wards. It’s really really important to grieve and give yourself that gift. Once that’s done- then you start turning inward. It’s far easier to start with lighter relationships. Ie - parents or an ex is so heavy - it’s really not a great place to start. So you’ll want to start with a lighter relationship like - “when the mailman was late - why did I get so annoyed by it?” Something like that. I actually knew I was nearly done grieving the day I started reacting to something, and curiously asked myself - “weird? Why’d I do that? I must be projecting.” I knew my grief was lifting and I was ready to start going inward. None of this is expert advice :) Just a summary of what I’ve talked to my friends about. Hope that helps!

[@UnacceptableTee]

Excellent content. As someone who has had emotionally immature parents; along with abuse and neglect; and have found I tend to attract and I’m attracted to those with narcissistic traits; emotionally immature; and those with extreme dismissive avoidant styles ( or personality disorders). I’m HSP; very empathic and have felt enough pain in two relationships and finally woke up and started focusing on why do I find myself in these situations when all I have done is tried to comply; work harder; and placate to whatever need they have; while mine went unmet. I didn’t even ask or maybe even understand I had any needs. I would love to hear more about how to determine what is a reasonable needs of a partner. When you have been living for others needs all your life; and some of these “ needs” seem impossible and unreasonable and tend to be me needing control others that aren’t doing what they expect them to do; it feels like a no win; set me up for failure kind of request as I cannot control others and I don’t want to. At 48 min in this vid; I feel that may be what I’m hearing is not my responsibility. Which I have been trying to explain to him. To maintain his self esteem ( which is why he pursued me) and control others in the home (soothe any of his frustrations) Like walking on eggshells. He is so focused on others and I have asked him to focus on himself as he’s got a lot to heal and deal with.

[@lanelson6875]

So much for helping those with c-PTSD who were emotionally neglected--abandon ship! Wow

[@polarjeez]

I've probably spent thousands of hours listening to "therapy videos" and this conversation between the two of you has been life changing. I've never felt so heard and validated. I really feel like the both of you understand and have made me not feel like a "bad person" for attempting to have distance from my family after realizing how emotionally immature my mother was. I've been struggling with the constant punishment, cohersion, guilt, shame, etc that my family has put on my during this time. It's very hard for people dealing with a parent like this to allow themselves to put themselves first and not feel guilty for pursuing that distance. My family is simply stunted and that's on them to heal, I can see patterns of emotional immaturity in myself too and I want to be so much better. This has been incredible healing and validating for me. I've ordered 3 of Dr. Gibson's works and subscribed to your channel as well. I'm really looking forward to the insight that I gain from the both of you. Thank you ❤

[@waytoprogramming]

I love your podcast episodes. 🎉🎉 keep it up. So informative. Thanks a lot!!!!

[@larryericksoniii9614]

In general, it is not your spouse's responsibility to replace your missed needs from childhood. This places undue stress and unhealthy expectations on the other spouse.

[@margareth1504]

So true

[@gooner173]

Excellent episode 👏

[@dublingirl1691]

🙌🏻🙌🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@Ytvzoey]

Wow - great episode. So many thoughts and new ideas running through my brain. Thank you for this! The last point about developing a relationship with self was powerful. As an introvert, I think this comes naturally to me. I often see my extroverted friends seeking a relationship with self that mimics extrovert behavior. They think there’s gonna be a day where they have this unconditional radiant love and joy emerge from within and they’ll be in a loving, dynamic relationship with themselves - happily ever after. But relationship with self really isn’t like that. I think developing a relationship with self is all about trust. Trusting your intuition. Trusting your feelings. Listening to that voice from within but also knowing when to ignore the introjects that pop up and sifting through the junk you’ve been programmed to think about yourself. It’s about truly knowing what’s “your voice” and being able to see and not react to all the other stuff. There’s a lot of things we do or say that often aren’t in line with our own authentic self. It’s something we’ve learned and been conditioned to think is our voice. You can develop a strong sense of your values, beliefs, and voice if you take the time to sit with yourself. It won’t happen overnight. Journaling helps a lot! And sitting with yourself when you’re feeling awful - instead of phoning a friend to vent- is important. For introverts, I’ve found that this is really easy. It doesn’t mean we don’t have our own struggles - I for one struggle with being seen, something none of my extroverted friends or my husband struggles with. We all have our strengths. I have a great relationship with myself - but learning to develop a relationship with others, opening up to people, is extremely hard - dare I say, torturous for me. I just wanted to add that point about developing a relationship with self because I talk about it so much with my friends and we’ve come up with that conclusion. So I wanted to share. This was a 10/10 episode. Im gonna have to listen to it again because so many great points were said. Im a physician, and I watch this and feel I learn to be a better interviewer simply by soaking up your approach. It flows so naturally!! Thanks for sharing this!!

[@ricalina4371]

Brilliant conversation! Brilliant recap! thank you 🙏

[@dvic8491]

Really appreciate the debrief after extremely helpful

[@VirgosGroove3]

I feel like I keep meeting adults who are emotionally immature. I usually hang out with older friends, but that doesn’t help because a lot of them still can’t communicate their feelings properly without having a tantrum. It’s draining 😢

[@carolinetattoo4072]

Wow. My husband keeps telling me to listen to myself when someone makes me feel uncomfortable. I usually get the uncomfortable feeling and immediately feel the need to… soothe or placate the other person. Make sure they are ok and then follow up to make sure they are still ok. Even if they were in the wrong and treated me badly. I never worry about my feelings, always more concerned by the other person first and foremost.

[@briobarb8525]

Sounds nice...but it,'s unhealthy behavior!

[@saladfingers.]

Yup. Same.

[@Clevelandsteamer324]

The people that really need this, will never watch this or acknowledge it

[@chasingrainbows1]

Wrong 55yr old and I need this and am watching this! Long overdue but finally

[@caffinatedirl8466]

I am currently disentangling from an emotionally immature person and everytime i feel like i want to reach out to them i refer back to this video so i can remind myself of the pain this dysfunctional relationship caused me, and how i need to take care of my own emotional needs rather than displacing that onto the other, thank you so much for this video 🙏🏼

[@texhotwings7521]

Very helpful video… I’m in my early 60’s finally finding it ok to disconnect with unhealthy people…I’ve watched narcissism videos…this took a different angle…

[@newlantern872]

Oh man... this conversation came through the digital ether at the most fortuitous time for me. The Waterworks could not be denied and opened up multiple times, despite trying to eat dinner. Every single topic covered, unbelievably resonant with issues causing turmoil in the immediate. Both audio books bought instantly, can't wait to dive in. And I guess, do the work. Thank you to you both, and the mysterious forces of Providence that show up now and then... often when needed the most.

[@millersam07]

If a kid thinks they are the issue and they can change they are actually ascribing power to themselves in that terrible situation. People forget just how horrible it is to be a powerless child, never in control of a grand majority of your life. Even though it's painful to think your the problem you're brain is actually trying to help you by giving you power to get out of the bad situation. Bc the only other option is to accept that your screwed until your 18, so begin that count down kid. Unfortunately I was in the first category until about age 8 when I realized if I was in control of my own actions then that meant adults were too, and by that logic it meant they were choosing to be mean. It's not a fun realization and then to understand that you have 10 more years until freedom. Bc as a kid, even if you speak out to other adults (not your parents) no one listens to you.

[@gaoda1581]

That's how it was for me. I started planning in jr high which jobs I'd apply for once I turned 16 (to expedite financial independence). At 15 I was already researching how far I could get away for college while still getting in state tuition and potential scholarships. It's pretty disheartening how many years neglected children end up spending just "getting by" or counting down until their chance for escape.

[@こなた-m1o]

that’s exactly right oh my god. thank you for writing this this makes me feel so much more justified in my anger at my failed parents and in validating the trauma i have because of them.

[@millersam07]

​@@gaoda1581 big hugs! I was the same way, but I also tried for boarding schools at 11 and 13. They weren't at all common in my area, but books and anime had taught me they were a thing. They sounded fantastic, even taking out the magical adventure elements most stories have. I found a few, and even researched scholarships. But to my narcissistic parent, boarding school seemed like a sign that she failed as a parent. That she couldn't deal with her child, or didn't love her child, to send her child away was a reflection onto her that she wanted to get rid of her kid. All of that was true, but she didn't want others to see it that way. Plus with me gone who would do all the child care of my younger sibling, how would she control my life, how would she get new info to tell her friends about and play martyr to the community. I unfortunately was not allowed to move out early at age 11. I wish I had been, I'm pretty sure I would have done very well, and avoided at least one attempt.

[@thesehandsart]

This is probably the best interview I have seen with Dr Lindsay, excellent questions and discussion thank you so much!

[@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617]

I'm so happy that you had her in the podcast, I literally cried and hopped in joy when this episode popped up in my feed! I'm not exaggerating when I say her book saved my life, seriously. It came at just the right time, when I was at my lowest, and made everything in my life so far make so much sense, what was wrong, what was missing... And how to start recovering from it. And, funnily enough, yesterday I finally decided I needed to let go of my healing fantasy once and for all, I can't believe how timely everything is! And Dr Gibson is such a joy to be around, her delivery is great and lighthearted and it was evident you two had a great time with this conversation. Thank you so much Forrest!

[@gigicolada]

22:30 this is profound. My situation was different. My parent was overly nurturing and over corrected to the point I was scared to come to them with things.

[@Mushroom321-]

We must realize when our energy gets drained by negative & by we put the healthy boundries! 🎉🎉

[@Peruvian_Sky]

Its so interesting because you might not even recognize that someone is emotionally immature right away. Sometimes people are really good at compensating by being highly successful and having the outward appearance of being strong and responsible, but inside they dont know how to navigate feelings or relationships. This is my mom and sister.

[@thecanopybookclub8752]

This woman saved my sanity with her books. Thank you ❤

[@Relahxe]

This was so interesting and helpful, thank you Forrest and Dr. Lindsay. I can't express how much this made sense and how valuable it was.

[@keegankeepgoing]

I'm well into understanding this about my upbringing. And yes; it hurts to realize this about your parents (and in my case, older siblings). I'm still breaking free - finding the space to unpack it all, education, little contact with family, and of course therapy, has been tremendously nurturing for me. It hurts when you realize you've been accurate about how you've felt your entire life, but pushed it aside because you were told your overly sensitive, a hermit or too shy. You hurt because you realize it was a lie; your caregivers were incapable, just didn't care or enjoyed your sorrow. I hope the people who need it, find this podcast and educate themselves on emotionally immature people. I hope you get back what those people stole from you when you were your most vulnerable; I hope you find your peace. 💜 644

[@TreasureDeal]

Having a narcissist for a mother who trained my daughter has had such an impact on my life. I didn't know about narcissists until about a year ago. So many things have come into focus now. Mother has passed and I've had to move 2 states away and go no contact with my daughter. I'll always love her but will not subject myself to the abuse again.

[@BAnn123-v2s]

Same here, except my mother is still alive. Moved states away from them both

[@ras-nts]

This sounds absolutely painful! Glad you are treating yourself well in establishing boundaries.

[@AlisonChristian-bq4ws]

Same ! 🎉

[@reneehouser2925]

My mother and daughter have finally decimated my life- Im 55 & can't take it anymore. Nothing in this world quite like a couple of full grown snotty violent 6 yrs olds interfering with every single aspect of your life. It's indescribable. The two of them have caused more damage and trauma than I would have ever thought humanly possible. I hope they get every blessing they deserve. I have been used, abused mentally, physically, financially, lied to, lied about, career interference, relationship meddling, digging through my phone, my house. A psychopath and a sociopath, a BPD & an NPD and my diagnosis is complete idiot sucker doormat rag.... I really thought I was alone in this- they make you believe that you're the problem as they show up at your job or your house on your paydays... and there's hell to pay if you don't hand over the money. Refuse to babysit? Well, now I'm not allowed to see the granddaughter I raised. Refuse to clean a hoard? Well then the adult grandkids will hear about what a jerk I am. It's always a lose/lose situation with severe consequence looming. I've lost everything now so I don't have to deal with any of it- the leeches have drained the life force and dropped off of my flesh.

[@ras-nts]

@@reneehouser2925 What are your plans for the future?

[@Thursdaysindecember]

Thank you. This is helping me in my years long recovery as the black sheep, the scapegoat, the joker, and the parent to the parents in my family of origin.

[@ArashaSP]

Thank you for this topic. This has been my struggle with my mom since my was a child. However, I have healed and no longer look to her for what she can’t or refuses to give. ❤

[@kristinmeyer489]

53:02 When you annoy them, they are quick to let you know how imperfect you are, such that despite your intentionally sidestepping their abuse and trying to manage them from a distance, they make you out to be bad, because you are not pretending it's all good. You really can't do the double binds, but this is exactly what they want, and you learn this the hard way, as they tell themselves they're not hurting you, while telling others to "just ignore (you)", as you try elsewhere to seek the validation and support you desperately need.

[@theearc2186]

I needed to hear all this, I’ve scheduled a meeting with my emotionally immature parents tomorrow to help try and help resolve issues in their 37 year marriage.

[@Dawn-tv1bk]

Adults saying they don’t have a choice is a bit misleading. At some point they do have a choice. We all have a choice to make a right or wrong decision. They have the choice to grow up, to get help, to change. It’s just that some people choose not to grow up. Again, that’s a choice.

[@Nikkithedoll]

Agreed Dawn 😉

[@Nikkithedoll]

Dawn, I agree with you.

[@crystalclear6864]

Only will They ask for help if they actually realise they have a problem.

[@GoodLife-4Meek]

You've got it, Crystalclear6864. A personality disorder may prevent them from understanding that their behavior is inappropriate. ​@@crystalclear6864

[@alal792]

@@crystalclear6864 or they enjoy hurting others, or this or that, etc. etc. remember NATURAL LAW, conscience/morality...

[@amynay4686]

Listen to your pain, it has an important message! 54:00 was so true ❤️

[@lomigreen]

This conversation is so rich. I learned a lot and feel inspired and empowered. Thank you 😊

[@leahcortez8685]

Thank you so much 😮❤🎉 I am closer to feeling free.

[@sonyadunbar3747]

I clicked like before I even listened. You had my attention just with the title alone. This has been my life with my Mom.

[@mazz3736]

Thank you Dr Gibson you have described to me my childhood! When I was about 6 or 7 years old I asked my mother if I was adopted because of how she made me feel, she was shocked. She could never see me or engage with me, she had her own idea of who her little girl should be. She's 83 now so now she's playing the obligation card but I'm helping her on MY terms with boundaries.

[@MushrafatOladimeji]

😢😅

[@Olivia-Kate98]

My algorithm is hitting different atm. Thank you so much both.

[@__Henry__]

Thanks for the recap section. Repetition good for recall.

[@PeverellTheThird]

No one ever stops growing.

[@OutOfContextForever]

I love how she explains this!! I definitely feel a void within me from those unexpressed emotions and the overthinking thoughts of I was overreacting etc. and as an adult (27) I am battling feeling I can’t fit in with society because of that

[@laurienguyen6236]

This episode have been so validating in so many aspects of my life right now.

[@denisesatt7044]

Wow. I have been "stuck" after several traumatic relationships/life events. I appreciate this knowledge sharing and wisdom😊

[@skyyy1977]

Crazy! This is what I’ve been listening to nonstop on audible this week. Third time I’m reading her book and it’s absolutely chock full of genius insights. So happy you got her on ❤

[@655Louisa]

Sometimes I think I'm all screwed up -- and then I read the comments by other viewers and I feel much better. The doctor is right, there are different levels of dysfunction.

[@maryannecomment3302]

Kids are easy to do deal with. They are not complicated and do not ask for help when they do not need it. Adults, who behave like children, are very difficult to deal with because their behavior is compulsive and asks to much of other people. If they really behaved exactly like children, then the problem would not be so big. Adults, who behave like children are very often traumatized. Traumatized people can be very difficult do deal with.

[@EuridesCardoso]

Yesssss

[@faddyfairy]

I felt like you were telling my life story in this episode! I am so happy, after 4 years of therapy, I am finally at the stage where the most important relationship being the one with myself and my inner world. As dr. Gibson says, it also meant I begun to lose some poeple unable to keep up with my new healed self. Than you for this episode and please bring dr. Gibson back anytime ❤️‍🔥

[@mossponsol]

I half got it. Which is the problem. I knew something was wrong, I knew they were a problem. However whenever I tried to get help, I couldn't communicate it properly. So the other adults just told me I needed to forgive them and do what they ask. That they want the best for me. etc. They did not.

[@lelnahas]

“It’s fun to exercise our abilities , which they become a need “ at minute 38. There s an enlightenment in this statement . Thank you !