Dealing with Emotionally Immature People (and Parents) | Dr. Lindsay Gibson, Being Well Podcast

Dr. Lindsay Gibson joins the podcast to share her groundbreaking work on emotional maturity. Dr. Gibson and I explore how growing up with emotionally immature caregivers can affect our adult relationships, and what we can do to recover from these experiences, build healthier patterns, and disentangle from emotionally immature people. We start by discussing what emotional immaturity means, some of its key characteristics, and the consequences of growing up with emotionally immature parents. We then talk about how we can move away from “role-self” and develop a deeper connection with who we really are. You’ll learn practical tools for recognizing emotionally immature people, managing your relationships with them effectively, and establishing healthy boundaries.
About our Guest: Dr. Lindsay Gibson is a clinical psychologist and the author of a number of books including Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People. Her most recent work is the Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents Guided Journal.
Key Topics:
0:00 Introduction
1:10 What is emotional immaturity?
7:30 Affective realism and involuntary coping mechanisms
14:25 An example of a childhood with emotionally immature caregivers
19:25 The “role-self,” and how children respond to a parent’s lack of empathy
26:10 Receiving guidance and stability from the authentic self
30:25 How the role-self affects relationships in adulthood
41:50 Connecting with the authentic self, and having healthier relationships
51:00 Letting go of healing fantasies in adult relationships
57:05 Guilt, emotional coercion, fear of loneliness, and finding optimal distance
1:04:05 How to identify with yourself as a secure base
1:07:35 Recap
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Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth.
I'm not a clinician, and what I say on this channel should not be taken as medical advice.
You can follow me here:
🎤 apple.co/38ufGG0
🌍 www.forresthanson.com
📸 / f.hanson

[@wangcheng5188]

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.

[@wangcheng5188]

Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her/him?

[@wangcheng5188]

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

[@the.masked.one.studio4899]

@@wangcheng5188 dude either you’re a scammer or being scammed. If you’re not the scammer, go to therapy and learn about codependency.

[@TheFireproofWitch]

Not me watching this to find ways to deal with myself 😂

[@zahra7985]

😂

[@Lovinghealingjournal]

Same 😅

[@ForrestHanson]

Honestly, respect.

[@davidmusic5883]

a nice amount of comments

[@karenyendall7511]

Me too 🙏🏾 ​@@zahra7985

[@Dawn-tv1bk]

I hope she writes a book specifically for “spouses of emotionally immature spouses”

[@tool-enjoyer666]

Im no pro but i would guess that you ( or they ) are unconsciously trying to resolve the trauma of the emotionally immature parent by getting in a relationship with a similar person in hopes that you will succeed in changing them. This is of course impossible because people will always double down on what theyre doing when they suspect that someone is trying to change them to satisfy their own needs. This is manipulative yes, but in a deeply unconscious way. So theres no need to feed guilty about it. I heard someone say that most hetero ( and non hetero for that matter ) relationships end because the woman wants the man to change, but he doesnt. And the man hopes the woman doesnt leave him, but she does. This is an overgeneralisation of course, but it is true for many cases. So it is a common pattern. Essentially what im saying is that by healing your relationship to the immature parent, you are healing your relationships in general. And by trying to do the opposite ( healing a specific relationship to try and heal the trauma that the parent left you with ) you will probably fail, because we project our parental relationships to all other relationships.

[@Dawn-tv1bk]

@@tool-enjoyer666 no. That’s not the case here. But thanks for your input.

[@Vic-jw7vb]

Yes 🎉 need a book on eip spouse's

[@marykatherinerosson213]

Figure out what their attachment style is , then start listening to things on that specifically. You’ll be able to tell how immature or “insecurely attached” they are.

[@leluyaa]

Yeah, my wife'd need that. I'm impossible 😔

[@amychen2504]

This is exactly what happened to me. I gave way too much then eventually expected my partner to serve me because, after all, I had met all my mother's needs to stay safe. He refused and I was devastated for years. Emotionally Immature parents set you up for a lifetime of struggle because you are trying to get what you can't get from them from others. If you change the cycle, you get the hit of the loss without the compensation of passing it on so that someone takes care of you. You just care for others inappropriately at first and then appropriately (if you have kids). It's so so hard.

[@punyashloka4946]

Yeah its hard and painful also. But we have to heal ourselves as much as possible.

[@lauracarstiou3505]

I totally relate to that

[@musicbrazilian7065]

This exchange made me cry. After years of therapy I have began to have the courage of asking for my needs to be met and boundaries however my emotionally immature friends rejected me, they are so used to me being their care giver that they called me arrogante for once asking not to be their therapist or their support system without reciprociry.

[@livejadelive]

Why would you ask your friends for the *right* to be a happy individual though?

[@jclyntoledo]

​@@livejadeliveyou obviously don't understand the video or OP's comment. No one is saying anyone is responsible for their happiness, OP is clearly saying her friends are emotionally immature and don't respect her boundaries which disrupts her peace aka makes it so she can't be happy around them. The more you know 🌈

[@jclyntoledo]

Also you deserve better friends, remember they aren't family so you don't need to find reasons to keep them in your life if you don't feel they are showing up for you or respecting your boundaries.

[@livejadelive]

@@jclyntoledo Oh my....

[@imbolc8024]

@@jclyntoledo isn't it the same family - friends, to me it 'had' to be seen that this is the situation (sadly), not because a person is family, that it's 'must be good and i'll force myself till i drop' - what i did...

[@angelamossucco2190]

What Dr. Gibson says at approximately minute 33 feels revolutionary. She says that at first emotionally immature people are people pleasers and then they expect to receive unconditional love from their partner as if they were a little children and should be able to do anything without losing the love of their partner including putting demands on them that mutual adult partners should not put on each other that relate to control. In other words, they seem to be the child in the relationship with an unconditionally loving parent. But the strain that that puts on the other partner means that the other partner would have to become like a parent but to a grown person

[@kognitivescientist]

Both are parents to each other to a degree, and both are children to a degree… what happened to Eric Berne and ego states theory? Now we are seeing pathology in it - but is it necessary indeed? Is the discomfort (to person and others) is significant to a degree we should bother about this? I don’t know, I’m not convinced yet we should improve something that works or happens too often in society.

[@KB-ih5gf]

@@kognitivescientistperhaps it’s a matter of degree?

[@spinnettdesigns]

@@kognitivescientistI can understand why you say this but it’s very hard on those who do decide to move and an mature, to continue to feel that they have to “go back” to try to sooty another adult who won’t do the work to grow up. This doesn’t mean that the person that stays immature is not a good person or worthy of friendship or love. It just makes life charged with a lot more drama because they see things from a child’s perspective. What helped me to work at growing up was EFT. You can find it here on KZbin by Brad Yates or the sort nerd and many others. Our life experience is what formed our personality and it’s up to the adult to learn to sift through that, to see what’s true and viable and what they should let go of. My siblings (that are long ago senior citizens) are this way and it’s excruciating to deal with their drama. They don’t want to put the effort into learning how to self-regulate. It took me over 20 years of therapy and changing everything about myself and it’s been painful and expensive but it’s been worth it to me and I have mature friends, which are a tremendous gift. They hung in there with me as they watched me struggle to get better. On the other side, as I matured, other immature friends no longer wanted to be with me, because I wouldn’t baby them anymore. That was very painful for me too, but that is their choice and I have to live with it. It’s been a long hard road but I would never go back to being immature and I wish others could also enjoy this great feeling.

[@EarInn]

She didn't say emotionally immature people do that, she said that people raised by emotionally immature parents do that.

[@spinnettdesigns]

@@EarInn it’s important that we realize that this can apply in many settings, and not just one.

[@Creationweek]

"we have a view that people are more like machines" yes but paradoxically we live in a culture that doesn't recognize that our machine needs maintenance and repairs. And that redlining an engine all day will result in catastrophic failure. Worst of all worlds.

[@Marlenkaminta]

Realising how many times I didn't even notice my pain, and the pain caused by others to protect the 'connection' was such a difficult process, and sometimes it still is. The neglect and bypassing was so 'normal' and familiar and it didn't register as something wrong with the way the other one treats me, but something wrong with me, and I am just too sensitive and difficult as I have so often heard during my childhood, and as a woman born into this patriarchal structure later on too. This messaging is everywhere. In films, advertising, songs, literature etc. This realisation has been both freeing and devastating at the same time.

[@kristilee7006]

I resonate 100% with this. It takes courage to begin to validate our own pain because we may realize we have to sever the connection in order to preserve our own emotional well-being.

[@spinnettdesigns]

Have you heard of HSP? (Highly sensitive person) you might want to look into it. Self care is essential when dealing with people like this, who even border in narcissistic behavior

[@Marlenkaminta]

@@spinnettdesigns There was a period in my process when I explored the HSP narrative, however personally I didn’t find it helpful. My difficulties are connected to recognizing highly insensitive people :)) Jokes aside being raised by such people, and living in a society where the messaging is pretty dehumanizing and desentatizing it’s a process to finally realize that the problem is not my ‘sensitivity’. Leaving that mindset was freeing. The sad part was facing how my own lack of knowledge, role models and healthy experience prevented me to exit that self blaming dynamic much earlier. It is what it is. Wish you all the best on your journey! ✨

[@lauracarstiou3505]

Emotional abuse is when your partner says you are too sensitive when they are undermining your self esteem whenever they can

[@TheYazmanian]

It's rare to see someone's smile reach their eyes. This guy's smile is very genuine and warm. Something comforting about it😢

[@Mushroom321-]

It is comforting !!! Like a hug!! 😊😯🤗

[@MellowBellow1]

Is it so rare? It’s beautiful to be sure, but it’s not rare. …

[@TheYazmanian]

@@MellowBellow1 in your opinion. From my perspective, it is rare.

[@TheYazmanian]

@@Mushroom321- it is !! 💛

[@MellowBellow1]

@@TheYazmanian yes. But that’s my point. … you don’t see how much it happens. It’s not rare. That’s not an opinion. It’s a fact. Your opinion is that it’s rare. Because you don’t see it.

[@Mermare]

She's such a great guest. If you don't have her books, pick them up or check them out digitally from your library.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

yeh, listening to disentangling on audible nwo, it's so good, it has the questions that torment you.. (and some answers)

[@kaoutar6921]

Hey wich one of her books she talked about the RO self . Thanks in advance.

[@HealthyPriestessSophie]

I suffered severe depression several years ago. I could remember several years ago after divorce with my husband which brought me into my disastrous journey on Alcohol and cigarettes. I suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Got diagnosed with cptsd. Not until a friend recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment saved my life honestly. 8 years totally clean. Much respect to mother nature the great magic shrooms.

[@AlfredBrown-rk8se]

Microdosing helped me get out of the pit of my worst depressive episode, a three year long episodeenough to start working on my mental health

[@ChristianMaxwell-sz6bf]

Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Germany. Really need

[@DamsonIdris-rh6sx]

Yes, dr.porass. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.

[@Vuitton-uj1hz]

He’s on instaa?

[@Vuitton-uj1hz]

He’s on instaaa?

[@MikkiPike]

kind of tired for relying on myself tbh, but I can at least acknowledge it is certainly nice to have that much security for myself. I know a decent relationship for me will come along at some point. it's just hard to feel like it's going to be anything other than another 3 decades before I once again feel the kind of happiness that made me realize who I am and what I want for myself in the first place. thank you for hosting another wonderful talk with seeds being planted for introspection. hope it helps others as well 💖

[@kognitivescientist]

People are wired to have connection with each other and and feel accepted and involved in “tribe”/community. Where does relying on yourself coming from, as a role model? Why? It kinda makes society even more sick and therapists making more from lonely patients… What everyone should actually work on is a quality of own connections with others - if there is any questions in own dynamic there…

[@angelamossucco2190]

I have been subconsciously recreating the kind of relationships where i ‘needed’ to become the role self. Until it became intolerable. Adult children can leave. (Kids cannot). But we adult ‘recreators’ must introspect learn and grieve to stop recreating a pattern we cannot solve. We cannot change or ‘help’ an immature person. Only they can change. So we must choose an emotionally mature person.

[@ebbyc1817]

and be emotionally mature ourselves...

[@dorishaus400]

What a great interview and also a wonderful overview! And a wonderful discussion here in the comments! Being the youngest of 10 children, with elderly parents who were just worn out not narcissistic, I was not nurtured or taught how to self soothe etc. So I am emotionally immature and I raised 2 sons and I realized now as a teenage parent I thought I did a good job but I passed on that emotional immaturity. I’m 60 now and my sons are 43 and 40 and are fathers with great jobs. But they both married emotionally immature women who have caused lots of drama and separation in our family. I’m grateful to live 4,000 miles away from all of them! I’m just keeping the peace on my side of the street to be able to see my grandchildren once a year. I’m working on accepting my responsibility and releasing any resentment towards my parents or siblings who have passed on. I’ve listened to this interview 3 times by myself and once with my husband. It was so eye opening to me! Like looking at my real self reflection in the mirror. Bringing it to my therapist attention on Thursday! Thanks so much Forrest for walking with all of us on this self discovery journey of healing and living the best life that was there for us as newborn babies before other stuff changed that. Grateful to connect with my little girl inside!! 💖

[@toto-dh9dw]

Thanks for sharing... it gave me confirmation about my dad... he was last of 8th with mother exhausted due to being after war generation... i never blamed him but wondered what was wrong with him.... back in a day noone talked about it properly.. thry just diagnosed you with shitso and locked u up in hospital.. it took me 20 years study psychology to put this in my mind to rest. Thank you.such stuff noone learns in therapy. ... time shows it.. my father also learnt before he died. But he shut it down woth alkohol..wish he lived and we could talk about it

[@lindaingalls8210]

I hear you!

[@tmcoug1]

All my life I've been trying to understand emotions. For now, what keeps my attention and helps ease my suffering as an emotionally immature person (all of us have been kids and most become parents) is knowing my own parents were short-changed, and their parents as well. The echo carries on. When people genuinely express love toward me every fiber in my body cringes, goes numb, or stutters in confusion. It's entirely possible I may be this way for the rest of my life, but the question that snaps me out of self pity and depression is, "Can you (I) work with that?" At 57, realizing this isn't all my "fault" (like little kids think), and that most of my people generationally and linearly suffer or have suffered the same confusions and sorrow keeps me from isolation. Absolutely, I choose to deny or limit contact with family because of my lack of ability, but also, over the years I've seen how helpful it is to be with non-family to work out feelings or lack of them.

[@Thursdaysindecember]

Receiving love can be so difficult when you were taught you were unlovable. Good for you to be insightful enough to realize this and work on it. Lean into the discomfort of being loved! Hopefully it will slowly lose its edge and you can truly feel the love of others or your own self love.

[@jclyntoledo]

Therapy can also help with this especially DBT 😇.

[@Bethy_anne]

At 31 I have just learned what is my problem. Now I have the knowledge to break down these old habits. Just thank you.

[@Dawn-tv1bk]

Adults saying they don’t have a choice is a bit misleading. At some point they do have a choice. We all have a choice to make a right or wrong decision. They have the choice to grow up, to get help, to change. It’s just that some people choose not to grow up. Again, that’s a choice.

[@Nikkithedoll]

Agreed Dawn 😉

[@Nikkithedoll]

Dawn, I agree with you.

[@crystalclear6864]

Only will They ask for help if they actually realise they have a problem.

[@scheitahnberg]

this video alone is doing such heavy lifting in understanding this topic. thank you so much

[@gbdffr392]

59 years old and only now recognise that my parents have been and still are emotionally teenagers . 😱🤯😱

[@Musecollective]

I was in a book club with Lindsay and others last April. She’s revolutionary and her writing is the most eye opening stuff I’ve read. (And I have read every self help book in existence since’87!😂) Life changing!

[@aishawf]

So when is your self-help book coming out???😛

[@sino4456]

Its taken me years to figure out I had an enmeshed relationship with my mother. The space and freedom I feel now that I speak with her once a week has been painful but freeing. I also realise that I tried to also recreate enmeshed relationships with others in my life, thinking it was normal. And that has also been painful to realise. I'm discovering who I am and what I want.

[@NP_is_not_here]

Bravo! Once a week would be a dream-so far, I’ve whittled it down to calling every other day, and even that’s been a struggle 😅 I’ve only recently realized I need to unpack my relationship w/ my mom. It’s tricky to try to rethink the relationship with the parent who was “the nice one.”

[@Mushroom321-]

We must realize when our energy gets drained by negative & by we put the healthy boundries! 🎉🎉

[@jenniferdavoll8530]

Hi Forrest - I have been listening to your podcast for a couple of years. Almost every single episode has resonated with me in some way and I want to thank you for all that you do. This episode with Dr Lindsay Gibson resonated with me most of all. One of my biggest struggles to date has been romantic relationships. I’ve had therapy, read endless books, journaled and listened to helpful podcasts. Maybe it was a matter of time and all of these things working together but I have to say I had the biggest AHA moments listening to this particular episode. Dr Gibson has a way of explaining things that makes so much sense. I absorbed every word and will listen to this several more times. It was also very validating. I am forever grateful you had her as a guest. Thank you again.

[@ForrestHanson]

Thank you!

[@nadalia832]

What an incredibly meaningful experience it was listening to this! Thank you Forest and thank you to your guest, Dr. Gibson. Btw, your final summary is always amazingly helpful in reviewing all the main points and connecting all the dots!

[@ForrestHanson]

Really appreciate it

[@Theplaylist510]

ROUND OF APPLAUSE TO THIS INTERVIEWER!!! He was kind, respectful and compassionate. You sir got a new subscriber.

[@ladylo-fi6979]

Excellent guest. Would you be open to a Part II of this that included people raised by emotionally immature parents telling their stories of how they eventually found healthy romantic relationships, how they had to change in order to do this, etc.?

[@dorishaus400]

I would love a part 2 also! My husband and I are both from large families, with emotionally immature parents, siblings and we are both emotionally immature! We just married 4 years ago, I was the first person he told about how he was abused in his family from his brother who was 13 years older than him. I listened to this podcast 3 times yesterday and then another time with my husband in the evening. We are both in childhood trauma therapy and I am bringing this podcast to her at my next appointment! This explains so much of what we are going through in our marriage. Thanks for suggesting a part 2!

[@thecanopybookclub8752]

This woman saved my sanity with her books. Thank you ❤

[@jenpearlman9133]

Thank you. This podcast made me cry because it resonated so much. I wished I had a therapist like her early in my life. I'm going to read her book.

[@Thursdaysindecember]

Thank you. This is helping me in my years long recovery as the black sheep, the scapegoat, the joker, and the parent to the parents in my family of origin.

[@georgiasmyrniou6337]

We should be careful with the amount of attention we give to safety by ourselves or healing by ourselves these are interdependent activities between us and our environment not independent ones. It reminds me of the 80s when the independence was overemphasised on the expense of interdependence and we got a generation of very lonely people with difficulties of connecting

[@annahappen7036]

Great point.

[@AliFranklor]

Good point. However when learning authentic relating one sees that were are interdependently independent. :)

[@kognitivescientist]

Exactly. Also, one can feel pretty healed and ok while alone, and relations come by - and boom! Anxious/avoidamt attachment problems pop up and stuff like that = the idea is many things are not visible until the person is interacting with others. Can sit meditate and feel in perfect harmony in life - until the other people pop up in it!

[@ebbyc1817]

We learn about ourselves through connection with other people. Yes.

[@JohnGeranien]

Be loyal to yourself :)

[@lauracarstiou3505]

If you grow up with an alcoholic mother you are growing up with another child. And you don't feel safe ever. Sometimes you are lovable and other times you're not or you're not even visible. As a result l became very independent. I didn't stay around the house..in those days you could go to your friend's house on your bike and be gone for hours. I don't recall my mother ever calling anyone to see where I was..as long as I showed up for dinner. When my father left in my teens it was my job to make my mother happy. When l left for college l passed the wan over to my little brother.

[@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617]

I'm so happy that you had her in the podcast, I literally cried and hopped in joy when this episode popped up in my feed! I'm not exaggerating when I say her book saved my life, seriously. It came at just the right time, when I was at my lowest, and made everything in my life so far make so much sense, what was wrong, what was missing... And how to start recovering from it. And, funnily enough, yesterday I finally decided I needed to let go of my healing fantasy once and for all, I can't believe how timely everything is! And Dr Gibson is such a joy to be around, her delivery is great and lighthearted and it was evident you two had a great time with this conversation. Thank you so much Forrest!

[@jac1161]

100% - relatable. And yes, pain is our teacher (only when we finally reach rock bottoms. Why? Until then, we are so addicted to and tolerant to pain, that we almost wear it as a badge *(how much we can take). If we're wise. Around 50:00 - doesn't have to be romantic love. Can be 'friends' too...any "ship"....really a lot of truths here.

[@annew.9244]

Yes, I learned early that I could not rely on my emotionally immature chronically ill father. My mother was occupied with his need for attention from my age of 6. Basically I just survived by consulting with my mother as I grew up. I had older siblings and teachers that helped me. I’m not angry anymore, it’s just how it was. It helps to just understand what happened. Then I married a man who was emotionally immature.

[@Sarahwithanh444]

LOVE LOVE LOVE!! Lindsay Gibson’s book has been instrumental in my healing, I cannot speak highly enough of her! I’m so happy you had her on the podcast, thank you for such a deep and rich conversation 🙏🙏

[@kaoutar6921]

Hi which one plz

[@sunflower6434]

I went through my childhood fine with my immature parents, it was my young adult life where it started to get worse and frustrating, especially when they were of different origins, eg; foreigners. And I had to navigate through their beliefs and my new founded beliefs in a new modern country, regarding life, love, friendship boundaries, Marriage n relationships. Balancing and navigating through both worlds was hard, emotionally and challenging. And they didn’t have the emotional support themselves to understand my feelings and how to support me.

[@Rose-gm9mm]

Thank you Forrest.. I think this was by far your best podcast!

[@ForrestHanson]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@rubberbiscuit99]

Thank you for this. Wonderful conversation. And your comments after the interview about growth and the pain of unhealthy relationships (that gets worse as we get more mature), resonated so much.

[@annklonl5207]

I've been in therapy since 2018 after a huge breakdown. Therapy has helped in some ways, esp. trauma therapy, DBT and somatic therapy. Interviews or educational talks such as this one, where explanations of so much of the normal things that a developing mind does, are seriously more helpful than my talking therapy! Thank you so much!

[@Vic-jw7vb]

Please do more videos on what if the child notices their EIP parent is wrong and so the kid tries to run away and escape and or leave home too early and become vulnerable to risk away from the home ....... But has no safe place to live .....?

[@kaoutar6921]

Thank you Forrest. You are so intelligent when it comes to asking questions and analysing things . Keep up .

[@zennenn]

I would love to see this subject addressed in the context of the workplace.

[@skyyy1977]

Crazy! This is what I’ve been listening to nonstop on audible this week. Third time I’m reading her book and it’s absolutely chock full of genius insights. So happy you got her on ❤

[@pensiveidea]

Thank you, particularly for the concise and contextual summary at the end.

[@shimmeringchimps3842]

Great video. However, is it really that rare for a child to think there's something wrong with their parents? I distinctly remember during my first few days of kindergarten seeing lots of other children interacting with their mothers and very quickly realizing there was something deeply wrong with my mother and my home life. It was super obvious and not what I would call a "conclusion of last resort." She and I had never really bonded in the first place and I was already hyper independent, so that realization just made me hate her and try to change her. It never occurred to me to be scared, to panic, or to blame myself.

[@UnacceptableTee]

Excellent content. As someone who has had emotionally immature parents; along with abuse and neglect; and have found I tend to attract and I’m attracted to those with narcissistic traits; emotionally immature; and those with extreme dismissive avoidant styles ( or personality disorders). I’m HSP; very empathic and have felt enough pain in two relationships and finally woke up and started focusing on why do I find myself in these situations when all I have done is tried to comply; work harder; and placate to whatever need they have; while mine went unmet. I didn’t even ask or maybe even understand I had any needs. I would love to hear more about how to determine what is a reasonable needs of a partner. When you have been living for others needs all your life; and some of these “ needs” seem impossible and unreasonable and tend to be me needing control others that aren’t doing what they expect them to do; it feels like a no win; set me up for failure kind of request as I cannot control others and I don’t want to. At 48 min in this vid; I feel that may be what I’m hearing is not my responsibility. Which I have been trying to explain to him. To maintain his self esteem ( which is why he pursued me) and control others in the home (soothe any of his frustrations) Like walking on eggshells. He is so focused on others and I have asked him to focus on himself as he’s got a lot to heal and deal with.

[@annak6537]

What a wonderful guest - thank you very much!

[@maw-zs1vr]

Thank you! That was very informative ❤❤❤

[@kriskelley3562]

This was wonderful and helpful. Thank you for putting so much work on putting out these videos

[@camiloandrespachongomez5965]

This was really helpfull; thank you very much.

[@waytoprogramming]

I love your podcast episodes. 🎉🎉 keep it up. So informative. Thanks a lot!!!!

[@krrowthemyuii]

16:55 My parents would actually TELL me that I was the problem. I didn't just assume that. They would say I was annoying, loud, too sensitive, a burden, too needy, boring, a "party pooper", a scardey cat/ checken, stupid/ dumb/ r-tarded, weird, etc. They would blame me for stuff I didn't do, and got really angry or made fun of me for accidents and mistakes. So I believed very deeply that I was defective and should never have existed. I think my parents were beyond just "emotionally immature" but Dr. Gibson's books definitely made me more aware of and gave me a name for that aspect of their behavior. Reading the book Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, many times I stopped and thought, "Wow, this feels as if someone followed my family around and used it as a case study!" It was so accurate in so many ways.

[@createmindfulmoments]

Thank you for this video 😭🙏💜

[@Mr.K.Crowley]

I can't express how useful, insightful and relevant that interview was for me and my past relationship. Unfortunately I realized some of the things too late. Thank you so much for this video.

[@aresedgar]

Yes. This book was very helpful to me. Thank You for your work.

[@patriciaedwards6972]

Brilliant...very affirming. Thank you!

[@zenmagda]

This was soooo eye opening for me, OMG! Thank you Forrest!

[@ricalina4371]

Brilliant conversation! Brilliant recap! thank you 🙏

[@laurienguyen6236]

This episode have been so validating in so many aspects of my life right now.

[@1234CDAB]

Great episode and so timely!

[@ebbyc1817]

I learnt so much from this. Thank you. 💛

[@lomigreen]

This conversation is so rich. I learned a lot and feel inspired and empowered. Thank you 😊

[@bethraflowers5799]

❤❤❤ Yep, this was my childhood experience. Thank you for this video. This is really going to help me see more clearly what is REALLY going on in my emotional reactions.

[@L4LA0412]

I really like the dynamic of this conversation. Very enjoyable and informative. This kind of podcast that hard to find on KZbin. Deep respect and oppreciates for Hanson and Dr.Lindsay's effort to delivered the knowledges and informations very well. :)

[@leahcortez8685]

Thank you so much 😮❤🎉 I am closer to feeling free.

[@rsh793]

I loved her reflection on the title story - I would have heen mortified too to start with but isn't it amazing how a simple title that talks to people works 😊

[@user-nj8dg3fh1s]

Please do a sequel for this topic. Thanks much!

[@ingrid3578]

I had read her book last year and it was life-changing. Dr. Gibson is great. She's extremely knowledgable and calm while being compassionate.

[@lukefisch9483]

Thank u Forrest!

[@lmansur1000]

Forrest: so wonderful with the questions you bring up! Truly amazing in how you clarify them and so very helpful! '

[@soumyajoseph7429]

I saw that my parents were bad spouses (to each other). I think I flew under the radar most of my childhood because my parents were generally fighting with each other.

[@Mushroom321-]

The tacticts create the messege " we arent good unless im happy ". Yes!! 🎉🎉 ☝️☝️☝️☝️

[@Diana-jx1ju]

Very meaningful, worthwhile listening for someone like me who has struggled with intimacy. Thankyou for these conversations.

[@lisbethbird8268]

Dr. Gibson you have beautiful eyes! And I loved this talk (Forest). Thank you...I will certainly be reading these books.

[@marialorda8921]

❤❤❤thank-YOU so much

[@transformmeforward4180]

I would like to see her on again. Very good information that she provided. Thank you.

[@jac1161]

58:00 moral realm. YES! This is why I call it "spiritual abuse"....manipulative virtue signaling 101. It's why I couldn't even fathom the need to draw a boundary. Boundary? How dare I even THINK or UTTER such a possibility! Oh, once I "got it," I got it goooood and now I'm on a roll with boundary-making because I TOO am a child of God. A God who created me and wants me to respect myself as well, so yeah....

[@kathleenklein4231]

This is a great video. It helped me finally start to understand my mother as well as myself.

[@fashiondilemma]

😇 Thanks both of you!

[@droidvegas331]

Excellent program. I have to order her book.

[@healwithmusic93]

I love this podcast.... It's top quality and the way you don't associate real people but work through some conceived perception is really awesome too. ❤

[@bonniejeanbrock]

What a wonderful guest! I was noticing that a lot of the emotionally immature behavior Dr Gibson was discussing seems similar to the Parental Alienation syndrome that is so prevalent in our society.I was wondering if you could have a episode talking about the Parental Alienation that is affecting so many children of divorced parents. It would be so interesting!

[@agak61]

Great talk

[@MarikaMeos]

It's almost impossible to grow out of it yourself without external help. But also possible with massive willpower :)

[@polarjeez]

I've probably spent thousands of hours listening to "therapy videos" and this conversation between the two of you has been life changing. I've never felt so heard and validated. I really feel like the both of you understand and have made me not feel like a "bad person" for attempting to have distance from my family after realizing how emotionally immature my mother was. I've been struggling with the constant punishment, cohersion, guilt, shame, etc that my family has put on my during this time. It's very hard for people dealing with a parent like this to allow themselves to put themselves first and not feel guilty for pursuing that distance. My family is simply stunted and that's on them to heal, I can see patterns of emotional immaturity in myself too and I want to be so much better. This has been incredible healing and validating for me. I've ordered 3 of Dr. Gibson's works and subscribed to your channel as well. I'm really looking forward to the insight that I gain from the both of you. Thank you ❤

[@GullerudGallery]

She is AMAZING. ❤

[@punyashloka4946]

Yeah thats explains my father and his behavior 🙄, I have adopted some of his unhealthy coping mechanism. Luckily I am self aware and working on my healing so that I can move forward in life. Thank you for this interview.

[@gooner173]

Excellent episode 👏

[@dublingirl1691]

🙌🏻🙌🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@tnt01]

She is great.👍

[@imbolc8024]

ALL the doctor said, as exemple, when a person asked to parents, please lemme know when you will visiting, all the replys are exactly what i hear all the time, i take more space (i totally fell down bc of all that), and now i'm scared to call them, it will be again, a blaming etc, thank you Forest & doc, you're wonderful people, from Belgium. ps : often people start with children without dealing with their own darkness first (i'm not blaming), it's often their trauma they put on their children. (new sub) ♥

[@ChocolateJewels]

The realization hit me about a week ago that my mother (76) is actually a covert narcissist. And my dad one of the other types. My brother and I never had half a chance at a half ways decent childhood. He’s an alcoholic. I’m not. I went into perfectionism, neuroticism, never being good enough or doing something well enough, etc., the whole lot for decades. I’m slowly finding my way out.

[@jimmorris7538]

Oh my gosh! Finally the moral obligation and bad person moniker explained. I got so sick of my wife saying this crap to me. Shame, guilt, moral bs. I'm done. Thank God!

[@candaceheidenrich6278]

Takeaways…..Hang back, not take action….consider outcomes you want….evaluate actions to take (if needed)…..Find the optimal distance….Look at the emotional coercion tied with moral obligation….put on your own life preserver….define self from inside out, not outside in…..wow….

[@saramichael3837]

Great episode! Thank you! Can I please suggest you host Dr Ingrid Clayton an expert on fawning trauma response. Thank you! ❤

[@Mushroom321-]

I'm shocked this doesn't have more " likes" . 🤷‍♀️🤨

[@MellowBellow1]

EIP’s can really disorient an EMP with the forcing of roles onto an EMP. Scapegoated people are the healthy ones and scapegoats are in forced roles. I love the idea of a forced role from an EIP because it’s so clear when you are forced with emotional blackmail to become a “parent” or a “slave” to the EIP. I have to say that rebellion against that really re-enforces a profound sense of self.

[@crazigrl85]

You guys are doing great though

[@DelSunflower33]

Yes bcuz all my female friends resembled the energy with my mother I didn’t figure this out til my 30s! I was looking for my mom in every friend!

[@tinatian9396]

as an EIP my self going thru separation but hopeful not divorce myself. the personal emotionally growth (recognition the void) after my husband broke the news to me kicked me into high gear of self awareness. from total detachment after he broke the news, to sense of despair, to blame him more than myself, to consulting professional and sees my upbringing was so dramatizing that i completely ignore my inner self thus only making demands on my husband, to now sees it's my own doing and immaturity that made the bed i need to lay in. i desperately try to grow everyday now, not or a man who unconditionally loved me for 20yrs, but for myself... so one day with or without him, i can say "im true to myself!"