Break Free of Toxic & Emotionally Immature People (EIP), Parents & Relationships | Lindsay C Gibson

How to deal with emotionally immature people (EIPs)/toxic parents, children, partners, family & adult relationships. Dan Harris is joined by Lindsay C. Gibson, a psychologist and author who specializes in helping people identify and deal with emotionally immature people, or EIP’s. She’s back to offer concrete strategies for handling the EIP’s in your life, wherever you may find them. In this episode we talk about:
• A primer on the cardinal characteristics of emotionally immature people (EIP’s), how to spot them, and why you might want to
• What Lindsay means by “disentangling” from EIP’s, and how to do it
• What often happens to your own sense of self when you’re in relationship (or even just in conversation) with an EIP
• How to interact with an EIP
• How to prevent brain scramble when you’re talking with someone who isn’t making any attempt to understand what you’re saying
• How she reacts when she comes across EIP’s in her everyday life
• Whether it’s possible to have some immature characteristics without being an EIP
• Handling your own emotionally immature tendencies
• Whether or not EIP’s can change
• The limits of estrangement
• Why she encourages “alternatives to forgiveness”
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00:00:00 Introduction to Lindsay C Gibson, author on Emotionally Immature People
00:04:15 Definition of Emotionally Immature Person
00:20:00 EIPs and Interpersonal Relationships
00:33:00 Narrate to create more objectivity
00:43:00 Regression and EIPs
00:55:00 Therapeutic Intervension
01:06:00 Choosing Proximity and Conflict

[@Guddilove801]

Omg 😱.. she exactly described my father who is so emotionally childish and everything revolves around him. Yelling and screaming to get his way. Super draining to be around too long. Wow!! I'm so happy to hear this podcast . Thank you so much 🙏.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for sharing your personal insight!

[@sirpahanttu6758]

😊

[@theoriginal7727]

It’s really interesting, as I’ve gotten older learning what NPD and BPD were because of a partner that I had starting nearly 10 years ago. Diving more deeply into healing, my past and trauma work… And finding there was so much overlap - the things which happened to me and other peoples abuse and trauma and neglect. I had just never considered it that or called it that. We were taught to shut up and appreciate how good we had life, since we were not starving children in Africa. Abuse and neglect have been SO prevalent in Western industrialized cultures.. glad that we are waking up collectively. ❤❤❤

[@chanieluz]

Can you add a link to her book? Didn't find it here. Thnx

[@SaralinaLove]

@@theoriginal7727 sooo well said!!!

[@rochellebroglen4155]

I was an EIP, raised by EIPs. Codependency was my "normal". It wasn't until I was in my 40s, after my life began to crumble, that I understood my childhood was "traumatic". I had experienced all 10 ACE's and had no idea those things had an impact me. There were other things like toxic religion, bullying, and frequent moves. I had very little stability. Now I know I never had a sense of safety. For decades, I lived with deep beliefs of shame and unworthiness. I was a people pleaser and overachiever. I struggled with addictions, the worst of which was approval and the good opinions of others. I had a Victim/Martyr narrative and blamed everyone else for my unhappiness. Like many people my age, I was taught to suppress, ignore, and invalidate my emotions. What I felt was irrelevant, and often "wrong". ("I'll give you something to cry about"). I look back and can hardly relate to the perspectives I once held. I know that was me, but I had very little self awareness, no true Self. I was just who everyone else "needed". My primary motivation was to be "good enough", to be valued. But I didn't know that. About 10 years ago, I realized my relationships all followed a common theme and that I always had a "bad guy", someone who was at fault, or wronged me in some way. When I saw that, I realized I was the common denominator. I didn't know how or why, but I knew that somehow I was contributing. That was before trauma had the attention it does now. Thankfully, it was also before the collective narrative on narcissism. I know I would have labeled everyone else as narcissists and never looked deeper. It was almost like peeling off layers of an onion. I had insight after insight. Because my inner critic was so harsh, these weren't easy revelations. Something happened that made me connect the CSA I'd experienced to the people pleasing and inability to say no. When I looked up symptoms of survivors, I found a list that described every "personality flaw" I had. I was actually in denial about many of those things. It was as though the author knew me better than I did. But that was the beginning of illumination for me. I began to develop an understanding of what had happened. I eventually had a personality collapse. I realized everything I believed was adopted. My values, beliefs, and even my "identity" was learned and based on someone else's beliefs. I realized I had no idea who I really was. I had no integrity. I was just a facade. At that point I had no emotional intelligence. I was like a child in an adult body. I had temper tantrums, would shut down, was passive aggressive. My behavior was pretty narcissistic. I began to see my toxic traits more clearly. I had no frame of reference for what was happening. Now I know it was the beginning of Individuation, Self awareness and realization. I went through a deep grief process. From 2017 to 2022, I was able caretaker for 5 loved ones as they navigated terminal illness, hospice care, and then death. Often, I was taking care of more than one person at a time. Those experiences taught me a lot about empathy and love. I was also so focused on them, I got out of my me-centric, myopic perspective. But, I've also had a lot of grief from those losses too. Looking back, one of the biggest obstacles to self awareness is shame. Children who experience trauma internalize these beliefs. It becomes a lens through which we see, interpret, and experience life. Often, we dissociate and live life from the neck up, in our thoughts. I was so tuned out from my body, I didn't even know you could actually feel feelings. I'm starting to restore my sense of safety. At a point, I completely isolated. I knew there would be no way I could determine who I really was, with the influence of others around me. I was just too impressionable and malleable. I had recognized I was incapable of participating in a healthy relationship. I've slowly started to live life again. I've spent years learning about childhood trauma, the somatic aspects of stress and trauma, and emotional intelligence. I finally started going to trauma informed therapy last year. Prior to that, I couldn't find a therapist that actually understood any of it. I try to share my experiences, the insights I've gained, and the resources I've found. I love to learn and to articulate my experiences. I plan on writing a book. Most of it is actually written. I'd love to help mothers of my generation repair their relationships with their children. Shame can't exist in the light. Trauma symptoms are not character flaws. Sadly, because we have so little awareness of the impacts of childhood trauma, we often vilify those who learned to abandon and reject themselves. I'd love to help shine a light for people to understand that they're not inherently flawed. I've found a few healthy, amazing friends. Authentic and safe friendships are new to me. But I'm so grateful for the angels that have come into my life. Thank you so much for not vilifying the "narcissist". I love how you were able to call out, and speak honestly, about the behavior, but didn't demonize the individual. We need perspectives and voices that create a safe container for healing. Thank you. If you're reading this and can relate to anything I wrote about, please be gentle with yourself. We can't shame ourselves into loving ourselves. You deserve your own empathy and compassion. What you need more than anything is to see yourself as worthy and to stop seeking validation in the external. You really are the answer. You matter. I pray you find your way through. Learn about trauma, especially the work of Gabor Maté, and Polyvagal Theory. It'll make a difference. Also, if you'd like to check out my writing, you can find it on the FB group Wholeness Remembered.

[@pure-pisces9980]

Thankyou for your vulnerability & sharing....I am 56 & I can totally relate to your story.....I feel like u were telling my story.....extremely painful, confusing & soul crushing.....this all created my unconsciousness right up until the age of 50......alone & still trying to understand & heal myself.....without sounding like a victim.....its an awful life & has created many unhealthy relationships, lack of self worth .....loss of so much through trying to work out...why, who am i & what's wrong with me!!! I wish us both & anybody else who has sadly encountered anything like this.....i wish us all much happiness, acceptance & peace on our healing journey 🙏❤

[@AnaAlmeida001]

Thank for your words. It’s true that “we can’t shame ourselves into loving ourselves” nor seek others to give us what we need to find for ourselves. I’m 51 and still trying to find a way of knowing and loving myself. And I also wish everyone much love, acceptance and peace in this journey.

[@amit5talekar]

What a wonderful amazing recovery and discovery in making your life... I pray you inspire and bring light into the lives of those who are lost to their true wholeness an still trapped in their fragmented finite personality... Aum ..peace love joy

[@Lyrielonwind]

That's why people say in funerals that good people are the ones to pass away first, because when you have been raised to never say no and put everyone before you, you just attract abusers. Those who care about you will leave because that person will isolate you and they will stick to you as glue.

[@maggiemiddleton8760]

Love her kindness yet she is firm about the importance to put oneself first. And not becoming a source of narcissistic supply for anyone

[@artandculture5262]

She is softer about this than the perspective of how difficult the people I’ve known requires.

[@cathycoryell2351]

Courts, judges don't let you choose what or when to respond, or even select to interact (or not) with the abuser. EIP is her label, but they are just relabeling abuser.

[@robertburatt5981]

The way people drive is a good indicator of emotionally immature adults. Tailgaiting, speeding, failure to signal, cutting off other drivers, honking horns without recouse to motor vehicle violations--all show an absence of the reality of others and respect for their safety. "Accidents " are actually rare; most are collisions due to irresponsible recklessness.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Great thoughts1

[@gigicolada]

This is such a good indicator I never considered!

[@divinebeginnings3741]

It actually can be on the other side too. I remember in the early days of my husband and I there was a car who was slowing down (maybe was going to turn and forgot their blinker or maybe there was a turtle on the road) well he was in a rush and started pounding on the horn. 😳😳🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ I just sat there in total shock and embarrassment. Thinking to myself, oh my, who is this person? Does he really just act like this? 😭 We were so new I just froze, not knowing how to respond. So I just sat there quite ~ not really knowing how to even process any of it. I ended up just putting it in the pile of, he must’ve not slept well last night, or super stressed about his work… 🤷🏻‍♀️ I had no idea that that was Life giving me a glimpse of what the next 13 years will be like. A life that is truly centered around his ideas of what life should be. Zero self reflection. No ability to take in account there are other ppl in our home (3 children) that also have ideas feelings and thoughts. I can’t even begin to describe what this podcast has done for my heart. I am now walking in freedom ~ having empathy for him, but no longer shaming myself for not being able to reach his heart and get him to open his eyes and see he has a family who loves him ~ why always put us down and dismiss every feeling we have…. Wow! Thank you! And thank you Dr Gibson! Sending so much love from Orlando Florida ❤

[@privatename40]

@@divinebeginnings3741Empathy for a self centered jerk of 13 years? Understanding a lack of EI, doesn’t justify his behavior & how it affects your children. You have a voice, call out his BS and create some boundaries. If not for you then for your children. If not they will pick the exact same spouse not because they like them but because their spouse’s disfunction is familiar.

[@divinebeginnings3741]

@@privatename40 😭 thank you 🙏🏼 We have no idea how powerful our words are. Yes on the negative side but even more, randomly checking my updates in email ~ seeing your response ~ it has brought me to tears. Truly feeling it was a much needed divine message. Had it been any of the prior years I wouldn’t have been able to “hear” these words. Bc his way of responding 99.9999% shuts me down due to such a gaslighting sharpness that I tend to freeze (and plus there is NO winning with him. He thrives off “winning” (as juvenile as it sounds) ~ as I have been sort of in this fog of wtf?! How am I with this person? I don’t even know what to do with someone like this? 😳🫨 But just a few days ago I came across a video of adult children with an EI parent. And much to my surprise they were angry at their mother! For never standing up for herself! I was literally shook. Never looking at it from that perspective. Here I was feeling like I was holding peace in the home. Rather than having a home of yelling and lashing out against one another ~ I would always defuse by being silent. (Good intentions) But after I saw this I was like, oh my, no! And then here is confirmation 💝 Your words ♥️ May my voice be filled with strength, clarity, and matter of fact. Knowing that my feelings have value ~ and just bc he feels a certain way doesn’t mean they have rule over our home. May my children value themselves ~ learning to always advocate for themselves. Knowing what love IS and what it is NOT. Thank you again 🙏🏼 Sending much gratitude from Orlando Florida

[@joeyfarrell188]

I’ve learned how to love these people from a distance.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Great insight!

[@innerwestie1446]

Don’t believe you. Not real love.

[@farmersmith7057]

Yes!!! I literally said this to my narc neighbor. He got it. He’s a self aware narc. He totally got me. We communicate via text message once or twice a week now. Encouraging words, jokes, positive things. All good.

[@chunkysocks8121]

My mom is almost 70, but has the maturity of a sulky toddler. In her mind, everyone is out to get her. She’s had issues with EVERY neighbor, and every coworker. Her friendships don’t last long. She will tell me about some “horrible” neighbor, and even in her own biased recollection, I can see how she’s in the wrong. My dad was a sweet, caring man who spent his life throwing his efforts and love into the black bottomless pit where her heart should be, and now that he’s dead, she can only talk about what a bad husband he was. Her own parents died not knowing why she estranged herself from them. Her sister called me and asked if I would reach out to my mom because she misses her. I warned her that my mom will only hurt her. I would know. All she’s ever done is hurt me all my life. If I could remove my memories of her from my brain and replace them with a kind mother, even if those memories were fake, I would do it in a minute.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for sharing your story.

[@Jennifer-gr7hn]

And I wonder what your mother's traumas were. I know :( I won't go into all my wounds and traumas, because I wanted to focus my care on yours. If I may suggest.....seek the Blessed Mother, she will hold you as the mother you didn't have. Likely your dad was the enabler (all those married to types like your mom, are. The fear the immature one which enables them). What tough stuff, right? And it affects relationships ....I see how it's affected all of mine. Lonely and isolating for sure, then you get scared to have any because all I attract are immature people and I (don't like this word, but...) HATE it. I constantly attract and subconsciously seek those who abandon me when I'm at my worst :(

[@robertafierro5592]

It's very tough. You sound like you're really trying. Some people, believe it or not are very comfortable in their negativity. If you notice, there's very little else they physically do. They sit there and complain and tear EVERYTHING apart that those around them are TRYING to accomplish. One family member like that deeply affects the whole group. Imagine if that member is the Leader of the Family. Your Father, for instance..

[@robertafierro5592]

One hint. Please try not to carry her selfish burden. Never pay attention to.criticisms that were said in anger. Don't carry ANY of that DIRT around. You TRIED. Just know that! Good Luck to you on your journey now.

[@robertafierro5592]

@@Jennifer-gr7hn you hit it on the head! I feel like this. These days, with all the help and spare time alot of us have now, it's our personal duty to FIX what we think is wrong with us. That takes alot of honesty. As we get older, not all of us get smarter. If you keep trying to improve yourself and if you try to hold yourself up to a new and better standard, chances are, hopefully you'll feel.better about yourself and your situation. I can't speak for all, but I know, I feel better about my life when I'm actively doing something worthwhile to improve it.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

This describes my mother so perfectly, and everybody else thinks she's lovely. And she is, to them. She people pleases to other people and then demands that I collapse into all of her distorted narratives

[@tlhogid663]

Yep. It's the two-faced behaviour that makes me so mad 😤

[@Lynee5290]

Can very much relate to this. My mother to a tee …

[@deborahhoffman7394]

First, it's good that people are responding to her goodness and authenticity. Second. Moms often have high expectations for their daughters, perhaps unrealistically. Tell her you are your own person.

[@tlhogid663]

@@deborahhoffman7394 Sounds like you are minimising the problem

[@NM-mc4rj]

Sounds like covert narcissism. My mother acts meek in public and then tells everyone I’m the monster.

[@torreygreen6794]

I have been listening to every talk from Dr. Gibson I find. Every word is helpful and useful to me. I'm learning to understand my parents, family members, and myself so much better than I ever would have without her teaching. What a gift she is!

[@TenPercentHappier]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@AppleTY2015]

Patrick teahan is also incredible with this type of emotional trauma.

[@jamesmartin727]

Took the words out of my mouth!

[@cheryllevalley929]

Same here!!

[@gail7998]

Her book is incrediable. It saved my sanity and helped me understand so I could let go and live!

[@robertafierro5592]

Ive never really had trouble walking away..ive had to do it several times in my life and each time there was really no choice. Im glad i did it.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for sharing.

[@Jennifer-gr7hn]

you're lucky you didn't have trouble.....it was always painfully, sickeningly hard with some of them, but others, it was easier but still feel heart broken for them...yet they have no feelings this way. It messed me up so much - but Im healing and dealing.

[@PixiePercival]

I struggle to know when to move on. It's been connected to my own experience growing up. it makes me wonder what draws you to this video? I have something I'm grappling with so I get drawn to look for support and answers. Do you have new situations or do you still seek support after walking away?

[@eurokay4755]

That the EIP makes it your moral obligation to prop them up is stunning.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Interesting thought!

[@sheilaabrahams1322]

Stunning but so accurate, at least in my experience.

[@sandracaezza7234]

This was me for 24 yrs with a narc/addict. He could not regulate any problem. I continue to educate myself to know my errors. TY for this.He lost his mother at eight yo . We had yrs of therapy ,Alanon recovery never got to the trauma. He found new supply @ the gym, steroids relapse etc I’m free now very grateful. @ 72 I get to begin again. No contact. I stopped putting him first awhile ago It was a rabbit hole with no way out! This was fantastic TY

[@soulthriver-oz6470]

Oh you're 72, did you leave him recently? I'm 66 this year, desperately unhappy 20 yrs with a very dull robotic passive aggressive "nice" 70 yr old. Takes no responsibility for upsets, just expects me to become smaller while I tell him I want our lives to expand before I die.

[@sandracaezza7234]

@@soulthriver-oz6470 yes we are divorced. I made him leave 1-1-24. I put myself in therapy & have been living a non drama life. He betrayed our marriage. I certainly expected more from him, I know now that will never happen. My life is much improved..

[@cherylross393]

K​@@soulthriver-oz6470

[@patriciaedwards6972]

Thank you for your wisdom and insight....spot on. One very sad part of being 'stuck' with the EIP is the sadness of not being able to build a healthy relationship that is balanced. Giving up or giving in while just trying to remain whole as they are abusive. The authentic self is lost in their company. This is a theft .. EIP willfully steal harmony.... it is all about them. The .EIP does not change.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for sharing your personal insight.

[@SaralinaLove]

Thank you!! You said this so well! ❤🎉🎉🎉🎉

[@qkcmnt1242]

Very well said, though I think EIPs CAN change. Proverbs 25:15 KJV states that "By long forbearing is a prince persuaded, and a soft 🍦 tongue 😛 breaketh the bone." All things are possible to those who believe. Realistically, it's a long shot to convince him or her to change, and evolution takes time and dedication. We need to see if we can get them to experience what we have at their hand. Convincing them from there should be easier. An ounce of kindness goes a long way. Love covers a multitude of sin.

[@LibbySlaughter101]

​@@qkcmnt1242We're not talking about 'princes' here & you're cherry picking a verse of Scripture to try to fit a reality you're obviously not familiar with. In other words, read the whole bible & learn to apply context. There are some people who don't WANT to change their behaviour. They're happy with making other people miserable & guess what Jesus actually said about them - He said to leave them right where they are & shake the dust off your feet! Proverbs also tells us to steer clear of angry people.

[@eurokay4755]

​@@qkcmnt1242 Best wishes to you getting the EIP in your life to change.

[@7oclockmiracles88]

It’s a lifetime of maturing, learning, forgiving others, self-forgiveness, grace, mercy, sense of humor, love….

[@TenPercentHappier]

It is!

[@Jennifer-gr7hn]

yes, and ...humility, isolation, loneliness, fear, therapy, etc

[@TheKezmeister2011]

I agree on the part of staying safe...but some people are genuinely manipulative.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thanks for sharing your input!

[@adimeter]

I was an EMI, but as a codependent. I couldn't take care of myself at all. As a result I have lived 75 yrs under tons of emotional abuse. Finally the pain was so bad that I finally stumbled onto KZbin. there I eventually found help. I'm sure I was hard to live with due to easy crying spells. I had many deep, dark, dank fears and was always looking for the criminal who was sure to attack me. None of that happened, and now I am getting free of my childish ways and codependency.

[@dancraig9]

Thanks for posting this. It came at the right moment. I was starting to wonder if there was no hope for EMI and other emotionally damaged people. Are they condemned to live in loneliness even with friends who can barely tolerate their company or are so codependent that they can inflict Munchhausen by Proxy on the socially acceptably hated individual. I'm interested in hearing more about your struggles. Pain is pain. I hope that something positive can come from your experience. It already has for me. Thank you.

[@dancraig9]

Am I reading this right? I've always been screwed up by people.😢

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

Wow as someone with both parents who've parentified me all my life and I'm almost 50, and they have never showed even a moment's insight how their emotional disregulation might make my brother and I feel, I am so awed by your realization. I didn't think it was possible. Good for you!❤ I know you're not my parents and they are highly unlikely to ever show any understanding, but somehow I feel better that you have. Wishing you lots of love and comfort for your future, may you be surrounded by healthy & loving people!!💗Thank you so much for sharing!

[@karenwill4825]

Every word resonates. I can now understand why the relationship with my parents disintegrated after I spoke up about how decades of my father's verbal and emotional abuse harmed me. I suspect he had narcissistic personality disorder and my mother was just emotionally immature. If only I knew all this back in 2020 it could have saved me from internalizing it all to the point I became ill over their responses. Although I've healed a fair bit since then (thank you therapy!), this perspective has closed some big gaps, so to speak. Thank you so much for this. Knowledge is power. I'll be sure to listen over again any time I slide back to internalizing and wondering "where did I go wrong? and why did that happen the way it did?" There really was no other outcome as my parents were unable to self-reflect on their behavior and how harmful it was.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thanks so much for listening! We're so glad you enjoyed the content.

[@3nigma2013]

I've always been super nice to everyone; friends, family, etc. But I always run into toxic people. Sometimes it's not apparent until YEARS later when they feel comfortable enough to show their true selves in private. I've gotten so tired of dealing with these two-faced losers that I've just started going no-contact with these people. Removed off all social media, texts and calls ignored. No explanation either. These people will suck your energy dry until there's nothing left and you're completely dead inside.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for sharing.

[@mvbigmagic4048]

Yeah. No explanation needed. They will only ramp up the toxicity. :( What's the point? Life is short, and there are many more good people in the world than these people. No time to waste explaining to someone who will never understand anyway.

[@3nigma2013]

​@@mvbigmagic4048If they really irked me, I would push their buttons when they reach out asking why I ignored them. I'll tell them something along the lines of "because you've outed yourself as an enemy" which seems to confuse them. Then I explain that anyone that causes drama on purpose, and insults or belittles other people for no reason other than to bring them down is an enemy. Of course, they just begin another argument and start shifting the blame, so I've learned that this is a futile exercise, and no-contact is really the only way to go. Engaging in an argument with a child is pointless.

[@i.ehrenfest349]

Omg this podcast makes me think for the first time in my life that I may NOT be emotionally immature….

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for sharing. Our stories help others.

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

😆

[@ahatx8651]

my god-- this was like 10 years of therapy in an hour and a half. THANK YOU Dan & Dr Gibson for all the resources you've put out, can't wait to read the new book. The part on forgiveness is especially 🔥because as anyone who's been to therapy knows, it's so often pushed as the final stop in your journey, like if you can forgive this ahole you've won!!! Always felt like bs to me, and glad to get some validation on that.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thanks for sharing, we are so grateful for your support!

[@Theplaylist510]

Lindsay is realest person I’ve come across, it’s so refreshing

[@TenPercentHappier]

Yes!

[@glenimoore1232]

Looking back over my life I can see I was an EIP and couldn’t self reflect. I was not able to look inwards at all. The changing point for me was when I had an experience of being plunged into my unconscious storehouse to see the things that had happened to me in childhood and to relive them, and to gradually gain my self back. I saw and felt what I’d been through and could reflect upon it. This was a piecemeal process. The almost two years of this put the puzzle that was me together. I went onwards in a new way, a much healthier and whole way. I was able to reflect and change and grow emotionally from there on.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Wow, thank you for sharing your story. Our community truly values it.

[@SaralinaLove]

Wow, so profound hearing that you were able to piece yourself together as you said. That's amazing 🎉 I'd love to hear any resources that helped. Did you read books on this or watch youtbe videos amd or get coaching, or did you just decide to do it, and you you navigated with your own inner direction to heal? Thank you!!!

[@lindam4259]

So happy for you!

[@user-hs9qz3dg1l]

Thank you so much for posting this…it provides some hope…which is sometimes all we have. This is such hard personal inner deep work, and it does take so much time and continued effort!! It is not easy to look back and accept the role that we played…facilitating so much of this madness. There is light and hope after making your way through it all.

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

This is amazing! My parents have no self-reflection whatsoever and I honestly cannot see that ever changing. You being able to start doing that sounds like a miracle! Thank you for sharing, wishing you nothing but love and comfort!♥

[@janiemiller825]

I just distanced myself from a friend that fits all this to a T.. she was draining my energy everyday calling me & blah blah blah - always talking about herself & on on on - totally self absorbed & 100% self focused/ one sided friendship.. It got old quick & I decided to detach & veer away from her fast… It’s only been a couple days & my energy is back to peaceful again She totally drained me of energy… it was toxic… 😮

[@TenPercentHappier]

Sending you good thoughts!

[@elizabethtovar3603]

Just did the very same today. I feel lighter already.

[@misspeach3755]

Did you tell her, too, or just the internet? She'll have no chance of learning and maturing when she's simply ghosted without any explanation. Simply walking away is as immature and toxic as her self-centeredness.

[@kourtneyjossy]

@@misspeach3755 That's putting the responsibility of her growth onto others.

[@janethomas78]

This info is Better than Calling people Narcissists. It give you the tools of constructively understanding the dysfunctional pattern.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Interesting thought!

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

Yes I also prefer it! Not attacking them as monsters like a lot of these click-baiting info does, but also helping us to stand up for our own needs.

[@nickieglazer7065]

​@@jmvwegnerpriest Narcissistic behaviour is a very wide spectrum. The advice here is good but certainly not for those who are going through narcissistic abuse.

[@anonymousprivate6814]

Really enjoyed listening to this. I am a late diagnosed autistic person with a history of mostly emotional neglect and physical abuse/gaslighting from my family of origin. I have always been quite introspective. I have survived a suicide attempt in my 20's and I am almost 50 now. I was 38 when I got my autism diagnosis. I love learning about attatchment issues as I find it so helpful. I realise the impacts of emotional neglect alone are HUGE! I can honestly say I hate the behaviour that comes from my parents toward me but I don't hate them as people, they have been traumatized themselves and psychologically/emotionally affected as I have but I still have boundaries. I spend less time with them for the sake of my own sanity and focus on self care. I know that is not being selfish as I was led to believe. It seems they somehow have self care mixed up with being selfish.

[@TenPercentHappier]

We appreciate you sharing your story!

[@clearfield2009]

Thank you for posting. Just adding that it is trending now to call other people toxic which makes it impossible to work through difficult relationships. My sister refuses to discuss anything that has upset me, her behavior toward me, and when I have tried, she throws the word “toxic” out there as if that is the final word. People use these psychological catch phrases to justify their own EIP personalities. My sister has caused me so much hurt over the years because of her refusal to give me the space to talk about my feelings in relationship to her. I have given up.

[@lindam4259]

Try using "I" statements...such as "I feel _ when you do _." Avoid anything that sounds like blame. Good luck!

[@clearfield2009]

@@lindam4259My sister does not let me even make “I” statements. She will not listen. She tells me I am toxic. She will not even return my phone calls and she moved to another state.

[@theoriginal7727]

Their favorite thing to do is sewing around their characteristics and trying to paste it all over everyone else. Especially deal with full-blown cluster B disorders, the definition of toxic and encourage. Usually they know exactly who they are and what they’re doing once they are adults or middle-age, but they will still do anything on earth, and in the heavens, above to avoid accountability for their actions and their impact on peopleand their favorite thing to do is call everyone else what they are! Narcissist, borderline, toxic, crazy, bipolar, etc. It will pull out all the stops if they feel really threatened

[@LibbySlaughter101]

Isn't that projection on your sister's behalf? Because my brother does that all the time - calls me toxic when he is the person bringing toxicity into our relationship - Also throws out that I'm bi-polar when he is the person who has been seeing a psychiatrist for decades. I don't talk to him anymore.

[@clearfield2009]

@@LibbySlaughter101 I was just explaining it is impossible to find a way to have a relationship with a narcissist- you’re correct, it is constant projection. I am sick of being told to keep trying.

[@emptydog1109]

OK my ex grew out with Parents who were never there. They were always working. They made good money in medicine, but they were always working. She would say she raised with little or no parental observation. When I met her, she was on disability. She had no idea how to take care herself so she wore herself out and stressed herself out to the point where she couldn’t pick up a ceramic cup. so I went into a relationship with a sense of responsibility and I always believed that I gave her the support she needed, doing everything for her all the cooking all the Cleaning, driving her to and from everywhere she would do her part to help herself heal.. she never did she never tried, and she did make me feel responsible. And if I told her I needed to rest and I need to slow down to take care of some of my own health needs she would say you’re trying to make me feel bad about myself.. like many of these people she’s smart charming Carismatic good looking. These people practice their whole lives at the charade for them is not a charade. It’s all they know they never had a parent to take care of them they had to survive the way they could survive. As adults they can’t take care of themselves, so they get someone else to be the parent that takes care of them..

[@ElizzzaB]

Are you sure she couldn't take care of herself or was she manipulating? Why didn't she get health care workers to taje care of her?

[@businessmail1176]

Right! Until they "grow up" and then resent that person for playing the parental role and accuse the other of being controlling.

[@emptydog1109]

Well, sure I heard your saying. she had been on disability for a year when I met her. She told me that her injuries were due to her miss management of her own behavior. She told me that her therapist said she probably has some type of mood disorder with some underlying depression. She told me I can’t do these things for myself. If you want to be with me I’m gonna need your help. so I believed that by doing the physical work that she couldn’t do for herself, and she was adamant about these things were that she could get the professional help she needed to work on those issues. She’s not going to therapy. She stopped taking her meds. I’m sure I just tried my best. and I took time off from work every week to help her do stuff that other adults can do. Years later, I still see her pick up a cup with both hands. Could she have pushed herself through if I wasn’t helping her? Maybe?! Well, some years after our divorce she still has trouble . and I still see her when we are in groups of friends together, picking up a glass with both hands . I’ve got my own stuff to deal with too but it was all encompassing on her page, and I couldn’t take care of my own health needs. I tried to get her to go to counseling, and she would not. If she resents me for everything I put into the relationship. That’s not my fault. I understand the concept but if you’re working with somebody you’re working with them . She asked she demanded. I went to see several therapist. I tried to get her to go to counseling for her health needs, and for our marriage needs. She refused to have a conversation about much of anything however great, or small.. thanks for your feedback.

[@angelaratzay9034]

Why do you take care of her,do you think no one else would have you? You are not helping her!!!

[@cynthiagimbel6590]

What is the physical disability? U only mention mood disorder and depression...

[@1998londoner]

This has happened to me with a friend: zero accountability for leaving me ignored for weeks. When I brought up how I felt, it all came round to how hurt he felt that I expressed it. I don’t entertain relationships that are one-sided or cater to behaviours that are self-serving. When he started to react by putting it all on me, I excused myself for the conversation and suggested another time to talk. He kept going on and I realised now that his tantrum is a show of lack of maturity. Three weeks have passed since he expressed ‘no bandwidth’ (another three weeks since agreeing to talk at a calmer time). I have come to the conclusion, by observing his behaviour since I know him that he uses people. And when someone puts boundaries, he throws a tantrum about ‘his needs’. And I’m not up for that game

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for sharing.

[@thepragmatist]

Great podcast. Lindsay Gibson really knows her stuff. I would also add that it can take a lot of energy to counter EIPs. Most people silently go along with their behavior because it's too much of a hassle to speak up so the EIP has been permitted to run amok (sometimes for years). Additionally, they can be dangerous. This is something to really be aware of. I would also add that sometimes it's important to stand up for yourself with these people (despite the danger). Unfortunately, if more people did this, their behavior would be minimized. But most people take the path of least resistance and because of this, EIP behaviors have been permitted to flourish. Thanks for discussing this topic.

[@loriethacker8691]

This is what my hisband does with our adult son. He has had to do this for years... It's my husbands way of staying happy and also keeping his anger undercontrol.... 😢 Ive felt very alone in trying to parent my teen son because of this... 😢 I know its had to made it somewhat worse its HAD to... Now that my sons 22 years old its just how we are able to keep the peace... Not only is our son emotional immature, but sadly he isn't intelligent... He seriously has NO COMMON SENSE! Sees thing with a limited view and has an inflated ego, so he knows everything... but from our experience and wisdom looks so ignorant. He wants no help from us to navigate thru the world. He knows it all already, so we try and leave him to his own demise... to keep some peace...but It's incredibly hard to jist sit back & and watch him FAIL... 😢😢 Easier for my husband but still hard... 😢 Theres not a day that goes by that that boy diesnt cause me some kind of PAIN!!!!! 😢

[@thepragmatist]

@@loriethacker8691 I understand what you're saying and I'm sorry that you're in this situation but, yes, this is exactly what I'm talking about. If you let EIP go, this is an example of what you get. And if it goes on for years, it can be very hard to correct. With that said, your son is still young and has a chance. All the best to you in working this out.

[@avaquam3857]

I agree...I have an EIP mother, she is 85 now and still causing such havoc, aggression, blame, constant complaining, and an inability to reflect....my sister, myself and father have all been complicit in supporting that because she was such a force to be reckoned with...when you stand up for yourself or try to have z boundary...it's WW3 (world war 3) But awareness of the situation and podcasts with this amazing woman, have helped immensely and I am finally growing up and out of this destructive patterning. Good luck to you, you will get there...we CAN heal. ❤❤

[@CatharineRiverRain]

I listen to this and it's all 100% relatable with both parents in different ways. I have done ALL these things with them, and understand it... and am' just bloody exhausted. It's the grieving that's so hard when it's family.

[@michaelwinecoff680]

This is great. Just insert your own words, vis-à-vis the emotionally, immature person; narcissist, psychopath, borderline, antisocial. It helps to think about these people as emotionally immature, rather than taking them as full grown adults as they would wish.

[@margoknight5451]

Sounds like narcissistism

[@qkcmnt1242]

Oh too how I wish everyone looked for developing oneself in every way one sees a deficit, kindled from self, or from other people, as time affords it. Shalom alechem, peace 🕊️ to you.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Great insight!

[@Diana-jx1ju]

This woman's wisdom and line of reasoning is so gratifying to hear. Makes me feel not alone, knowing there are others whose beliefs and understanding I can share in and they're all here to help!

[@TenPercentHappier]

Yes! Her wisdom is profound.Thanks for listening!

[@verahaile7521]

Impressive! I ended relationships with two cousins and a friend due to such issues. Despite listening to my cousins for 30 years, they never took steps to solve their problems. The constant one-sided conversations became overwhelming. The same with a friend of 16 years, who, after years of marital problems, finally divorced. However, when she wanted to sue her ex-husband for more money, I decided to cut ties. I believe in protecting my peace of mind, as demonstrated when I divorced my husband and started anew, leaving behind possessions with no regrets. Life, to me, is beyond money; it's about maintaining a peaceful mind and life. 😊❤️🙏🏽

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for sharing. We see your strength.

[@oreilly2089]

The constant one - sided conversations........nailed it.....

[@heatherwall9571]

I think we also have to come into the deep inner understanding that we are NOT responsible for how other people feel. We alone, are responsible for our own inner world. No one can truly, make you feel ANYTHING without your permission. That’s where we need to take OUR divine power back….if others don’t like it, well then, that’s on them, NOT on us. If they truly love and respect you, they wouldn’t complain about it….they would accept your freedom to chose for yourself. 💙🙏💙

[@TenPercentHappier]

Great insight! Thanks for sharing.

[@queenlewi]

This whole talk was good but the last few mins was so helpful! That “brain scramble” is real.😣

[@TenPercentHappier]

It IS. Thank you for sharing.

[@loriethacker8691]

Oh yessss!!! Now i dont feel like its just me... I felt so ignorant 😪 Defeted!!!

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

@@loriethacker8691 ♥

[@innerwestie1446]

Dr Gibson totally described my parents and a sibling’s spouse. Very helpful and enlightening but I don’t agree that these people are not out to harm you. These are desperate people who objectify, abuse and manipulate others sometimes to the point of destroying them. They are so needy they cannot afford empathy. There is no place for being apologist for them.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for sharing your story.

[@vr4419]

Just after minute 28, I yelled “bingo “ and experienced clarity. Thank you!

[@TenPercentHappier]

Wonderful!

[@houndmother2398]

I'm single and don't have my own family so it's a little easier for me but, I just walk away from people that are toxic. I don't engage with them anymore. I've done it more than once lately.

[@TenPercentHappier]

We appreciate you sharing your story!

[@sagesnakechalmer2294]

I think it's very destructive that any healthcare professional suggest someone who is in an emotionally abusive relationship can come to a point of objective reasoning in handling the person who they are trauma bonded to . Once you know you detach and go no contact or be leveled . Abusers don't stop abusing especially their intimate partner .

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for your feedback.

[@mauraboland6842]

This is a great conversation. What you are speaking to is someone who has major childhood neglect or abuse. I am surprised at the lack of acknowledgement that this might be the reason. Not all but this is a big deal. EIP is usually associated with neglect or abuse, due to parents.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Interesting thought!

[@reneemoore6249]

Agree. My parent has these behaviors. My Father died when I was an infant and left an eip with 4 small children. We were a hardship for her, she tried to manage, but didn't have the emotional resources due to her own parents parenting. She did her best, I'm sure, but it really was deficient. We were all neglected. Set up to fail in relationships. I've really been working diligently at my recovery. It's now April 2, 2924. April is 4th step month! Here's a quote from the 12x12. "Instincts on rampage balk at investigation." Part of my self examination journey haS me see, I share some of these characteristics. Am I EIP? I am somewhat toxic. I do use people to help me to regulate emotion. I feel rejectable due to my emotional immaturity. But I'm trying to learn how to be. I'm still in relationship with her. We went thru thr wringer again. I was crushed, she was, just fine. Enjoying life, beautiful day. I got so angry I wanted to die. That repeats my entire childhood. Nobody understands. I have nobody to help me. Boo hoo. She gets off on using me as a suffer bag. Puts the blame on me,, won't accept any reasonable le solution. Then she acts sweet as pie and has no idea why people act so crazy to her. So...here I am. I want to stop my obsession with making her wrong. I want to be healthy and sane. I want to only attract healthy minded people to have life with. I don't know what that looks like. I've had her in myife since conception. (The report was that she did not want another baby.) So here I am again. I must stop.

[@kaystephens2672]

Understanding the limitations that caused this immaturity and saying that that's why they did what they did. But the biggest point to this subject is knowing the impact on other peoples lives that came out of their careless behavior that had a profound effect on their life. Being aware that this person or family just does not care about how their behavior negatively impacts others lives is what you don't forgive. You can forgive who they were due to bad parenting, but not what they do or did to harm you. My adopted mother was manipulated by her brother up till 85 years old. Many of these people are just living in denial of their problems they never faced. Smugness is what to watch for. Its a false sense of security.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for your personal insight.

[@mvbigmagic4048]

"Smugness." Yes. That's what I saw when my mother smiled when I told her, she'd lied and fooled me into paying for all her house repairs when she had no intention of selling the house. She smiled. And said, "Yes, I'm a bad bad mom." She was proud of it. We are no-contact since my father's death on January 27, 2024.

[@simplysindisiwe]

This is such a good work/podcast. My whole in-laws are a toxic cult family. with my husband's brother's wife who used to control me from another city. She'd phone me and I'd be shaking taking her calls. Now I don't even answer her Whattsapp's.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for sharing!

[@bernadette573]

omg the ending is phenomenal. Just experienced a situation last night, where someone pretended my statement that she was a great mom was an insult to her late husband. How does anyone even unwind such a maypole? I felt such revulsion. Scrambled is right.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Sending good thoughts. Awareness can be the first step.

[@user-if4il2vs6q]

It’s exhausting. Both of my parents are EI. I have been the peacekeeper and the one who has always accepted them as they are. However, recently, they got so angry at me for taking my brother out to supper to celebrate his album launch and they weren’t there. They were I cited but wouldn’t come. Their anger was discussed with my brother but they never called me. They called it lack of respect and told my brother they wanted nothing more to do with me. I live 8 hours away from them, left home at 17 and have never asked them for a single thing in my life. This past weekend my father decided to leave a message and say he wanted to start again. I am 58 and I don’t even know how to react. They purposely forgot my birthday and Christmas and have never been present in my life, nor that of my grown adult children

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for sharing your story.

[@user-if4il2vs6q]

@@lelerussell3623 I appreciate that you took time to comment. Thank you. If they weren’t my parents, they would have been written off decades ago. My brother and I spoke about this in detail today and decided that boundaries will be set. This isn’t easy to do as they don’t get how their words and actions cause sadness and continual feelings of hopelessness. Certainly, if they won’t accept my boundaries, it will be over. Awaiting the next fallout is always on my mind. Cheers!

[@orianam9835]

They got angry for not being invited for a supper? Wow. It is pathetic How they can even try to level it up with not calling you for Christmas

[@loriethacker8691]

Id syay clear of them (they are one sided and VERY TOXIC & EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE self-absorbed, self-centered people. Just because they were able to make a baby (you) doesnt make them qualified to be good parents 😞

[@1ACL]

They were invited, but didn't come, and now they're mad at you? If that's it, that's weird. Also, ask Why do they want to reunite with you?

[@gfitz91]

Her books are incredible. Life changing.

[@Cowgirlkate]

Dr Gibson is amazing!! I’m excited to get her new book; she has helped me understand how the emotionally immature people in my life have affected me and how to disentangle from them. 🦋🙏

[@TenPercentHappier]

Love this! She's the best.

[@yagushka]

The truth is that emotionally immature people often pass the immaturity onto their children. Its very rare, in my opinion to encounter an emotionally mature person

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thanks for sharing!

[@lisahinkofer2085]

My forty six year old daughter fits this EIP exactly. She is living with me and my husband for the last three years. Every place she lives by herself she gets evicted so I brought her into my home because she was going to be on the street. I am exhausted from dealing with her. I haven’t had a decent nights sleep since she’s moved into my home. She had a hard childhood plus losing her father to suicide. Anyway my husband and I want to move and live somewhere where I can get involved more in art. My area doesn’t have a lot of art base going on so I am 69 years old and retired and want a life for me and my husband. I have sat her down and told her that she has a year to find a place and be on her own. She smokes in the house when I told her not to. My health is being affected and she drinks alcohol and gets fairly intoxicated. But she has a fairly good job. So we are done with her behavior and ready to move her on. When we told her that she needs to get a life she started screaming and calling me all sorts of names. I was ready for this because I know her and how she was going to get emotionally. So now it’s coming down to the wire and hopefully we can hold on for a year.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Wow, thank you for sharing your personal story. Sending good thoughts.

[@Here_Today_]

Most states allow for a 30 day eviction notice. You can reasonably extend it to 60 but you certainly aren’t obligated to house your adult child for a year. Good luck, it’s hard.

[@stanfield5124]

Why wait a year? Maybe tough love would be better for you & her as acceptable boundaries have been broken

[@theoriginal7727]

Sounds like she’s had a really hard childhood, losing a parent like that can be absolutely devastating. But at her age, it’s really important that she has taken ownership of her life, finding her own therapy, and so on. You don’t need to support her endlessly, and good on you for being there in a pinch like you did. Once people become homeless, it can be almost impossible to get back out of. But she needs to get help especially if there is a drinking problem, which it sounds like there might be! A lot of people don’t want to do that because of the 12 step based industry, which only offers black-and-white options, yes, or no. When the reality is now that substance use or behavioral Problems and addictive patterns are much more complicated… And the meth that we’ve been using to have very low success rates overall. Taking a harm reduction approach tends to be much better, when it’s done in a good way. I have a friend who runs an online program. Actually that I recommend two people if they’ve not had good success with other traditional and mainstream approaches. A lot of time there’s so much shame and self loathing involved, and then the thought I’ve never been able to use or drink anything again for the rest of their life, prevent people from even taking the first step. And a lot of doctors and therapist won’t even Talk to or try to help people until they’re already sober for 30 days! If you accept the medical model of addiction, being a disease which most of them do, that would be like telling a cancer patient to go and heal up first, and then they can come in for a nice hospital. Stay if there’s any leftover symptoms. we need to meet people where they are! And some people just have underlying issues that once they are addressed, substance use goes way down to healthy levels or disappears completely. The name of this program is IGNTD and it’s extremely affordable, and all online. I am not an affiliate or it, or anything, just like to let people know that it’s there. He also wrote a great book called “the abstinence Myth“ that is a very good and eye-opening read on the field of addiction. Gabor Mate also has tons of incredibly enlightning work, on trauma, abuse and addiction (which also ties in ADHD with childhood trauma where it usually stems from!) Best of luck to you guys and hopefully you get somewhere with a more Vibin art scene to support you and your retirement vision for your life!

[@extern83]

Sounds like you, her mother, have created this problem in your daughters life and she is reflecting the development you have given her. She will receive healing if you yourself go to therapy.

[@lynndupree1205]

I think most of us, if we are emotionally mature yet immersed in the current psycho- ether, get somewhat focused on our past trauma. I hear it a lot, all about "the abuse I suffered." At this point in my life I am trying to focus on ways to avoid getting entangled with toxic people, so this video is particularly useful to me. Things I have learned: It can be extremely traumatic to disentangle from them if they are family members. I find that I have to explain to other family members. I have to continue to make the choice to disentangle. I have to almost constantly be on guard since there will be times I can't avoid them. Relationships don't happen in a one-on-one void, they happen in context of other people who are outside the situation.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for sharing your story.

[@diganloquedigan]

Once again like the other book I read by her, she gives all the weight to the victims who suffer from immature people. You have to understand them, you have to make a thousand guesses to know what they are going to do or say. But it does not hold the perpetrators responsible for anything, those who are immature and did nothing to change, and you also say that you believe they do not know what they are doing; And why do they always do evil? because these people are not capable of doing anything good. I believe that the emotionally immature person who is a narsicist is responsible and knows perfectly well what he is doing, that is why he does that and nothing else.

[@LibbySlaughter101]

'People of the Lie' by M. Scott Peck would be great for you.

[@byrosiemayne]

It’s so hard not to get sucked into the EIP’s argument spaghetti. 🍝 she’s so right. They don’t care about your perspective so trying to argue your point is pointless. I started focusing on the goal in mind with these people in my life just like she says. In the end, the biggest EIP I was dealing with cut me off and lies about me to the rest of my family, but “eh” it is what it is. Can’t control their behavior, just our own. (I also figure, if they can’t see the holes in his lies and believe them, despite knowing me since birth, then that can’t be helped either.)

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thanks for sharing your insight!

[@adimeter]

Okey now I understand why I cannot talk to my beloved cousin every day. He is emotionally immature. I was really getting sucked in until I started getting mentally healthier. My cousin did not come along. So I had to gently put some distance between us by being busy. Thank you for that explanation.

[@janehale4402]

Thank you you have explained to me why i have been struggling to find my own authenticity.

[@vegansydmost1345]

Very nice descriptions and examples. My brain fogs occur so often when I'm in their company. My lack is thinking i could "fix" them. Yes "caretaking"!

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thanks for sharing!

[@sherri9187]

After 32 years of dealing with my younger half brother constantly only talking about himself, never asking or giving me space to talk about what is happening in my life I had enough. What pushed me to decide is that he never calls me and when I do call him he is quick to anger over me having boundaries and resorted to calling me a New York whore last year. Even after that I still gave him a chance. I travelled abroad by myself recently and as a single woman you would think he would have called me once or twice over 4 months to see if it was going ok. Not one call from him. That’s when I realized it was always all about him. I cut contact with him yesterday and looking forward to bringing new beginnings and positive energy into my life. Going forward if I see these traits I will cut it very early with people until I delve into myself and learn to create better boundaries. Good luck to all of you you deserve to have positive friends and family who care about you equally!

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for sharing your story.

[@the.toxic.phoenix]

You shouldn't judge someone solely on their worst day, but the way they deal with stress and conflict IS incredibly important and shouldn't be ignored or diminished. You want someone who can deal with those things as calmly and maturely as possible most of the time.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Love this insight!

[@hannahbanana4514]

This was informative and eye-opening, thank you so much

[@TenPercentHappier]

Glad it was helpful!

[@Hafhafnhaf]

What about the part for helping people who are emotionally immature. Trauma all through childhood raised by this brand of parent. Married someone who couldn’t hear me. I became so aroused to a panic with him i didn’t know which end was up. I was very emotionally immature and never advocated for myself in any friendship or relationship. Alone is now my best friend. I need help.

[@dancraig9]

Hello. I'm nearly alone but for my wife. I'm interested in your story. I found a way to happiness but it's still a struggle. Don't give up. Giving up isn't possible.

[@theoriginal7727]

Absolutely. So many of us from this generation, Gen X and millennials are dealing with this reality. There was so much trauma, abuse, neglect, and overall emotional immaturity that some of us were left with more scars than healthy tissue. That doesn’t give us a right to take it out on others the way that toxic people and cluster be disordered individuals do, of course. But it helps to know what happened instead of having it blamed on us, ignored, dismissed, gaslit by the people who were supposed to be protecting us, and instead were hurting us, or allowing us to be hurt and abused by others. You have to recognize it and call it by its name to really start healing.

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

@@dancraig9 ♥

[@lovesings2us]

I really appreciate Lindsay Gibson's clarity, courage and insight as well as Dan Harris's wisdom as an interviewer. Thank you ro each of you!

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for listening and giving us your thoughtful feedback!

[@90sKidsTimeCapsule]

I am so glad I came across this podcast. Thank you, the information in this episode was so helpful!

[@TenPercentHappier]

We are so glad!

[@googlespyfranchise9089]

Very good and useful framework, really liked the practical down to earth and compassionate stance. I worry however about the advice not to remove yourself, because whilst for a lot of EIP interactions that might be okay and working on yourself first and foremost is sound advice, IF you happen to find yourself interacting with an intensely emotionally immature person- one whose self esteem has learned to demean and pull down others to booster themselves, then it can actually be VERY psychologically damaging to continue engaging with them, sometimes even physically dangerous too. Even if your conscious mind can disentangle and you can rationally analyse their behaviour and remain consciously removed- the problem is that your SUBconscious mind still hears the violent words, your nervous system still logs the lack of safety. I ended up having palpitations because of the stress of being very close to an unstable EIP. I stayed because I was working on myself and rationally able to understand all of the EIP’s motives (the EIP was working on themselves too!). I thought because of all this that the bad stuff wouldn’t harm me too much and that over time things would improve.. I knew it was fear and self esteem damage that was running the EIP’s behaviour, I did everything that this podcast recommends-, I disconnected when things got volatile and I held boundaries. But I still got very harmed. In fact my understanding probably enabled the abuse. My calm and refusal to allow my self esteem to be pulled on provoked more tantrums and even harsher theatrics as a compensation for how that made the EIP feel about themselves- the better I behaved the worse they behaved to try to provoke me or hurt me. I sadly eventually had to realise that some people are too damaged to be in close relationship whilst they heal, and that it would probably take them a very long time to not be harmful anymore. Iv also realised that my psyche had been wounded on a deep subconscious level that needed total safety to fully heal in. Basically- sometimes you can be too understanding. However I do think for mild EIP’s this podcast has great advice. I just think people need to be careful, Love can make you think that something is healthier and holds more hope than it really does.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Wow, thank you for the thoughtful insight.

[@mvbigmagic4048]

I agree. The world is so big. Why continue to hang around toxic people who raise your cortisol. Even amoeba know to move away from something that is harming it. :)

[@robertburatt5981]

Do not rule all the cognitive distortions in judgment and reasoning that I see as being associated with the emotionally immature adult that includes lack of imagination, lack of reality testing, lack of curiousity, lack of valuing the truth, lack of moral depth and integrity, avoidance of responsibility, and so on. But focusing on the individual cases undermines the major social and political problems arising from too many emotionally immature adults.

[@TenPercentHappier]

We appreciate your insight!

[@ContinentsEdge]

Sticking to a position results in two things: intense anger on his part and unfounded accusations of wrongdoing toward me. Both reactions are almost intolerable. I see no hope at all for self reflection at all. His personality, his character is deep seated and has gotten much worse with age and I see no hope for change..

[@oli230]

This interview is so helpful to me in the situation I'm in. Thank you very much.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for listening and sharing.

[@Abrazos573]

What a great perspective! I am excited to learn more about this!

[@TenPercentHappier]

Us too!

[@tanyatalkstoomuch]

OMG THANK YOU FOR THIS!!! It might just save my sanity and my marriage ❤️

[@TenPercentHappier]

You're so welcome!

[@jackieventer2485]

Wow this is exactly what I needed to hear❤

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for listening! We're so grateful.

[@justinandbobbie]

First time listener. I listened. I loved. I just bought her book and an accompanying workbook. I have to admit, I was also reeled in by the simple and understandable title.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Welcome aboard! Thank you for the feedback.

[@Explorerlora]

Thank you. You absolute heroes! I love you and so grateful

[@TenPercentHappier]

You're welcome!

[@user-nh4cw8iy2i]

This really breaks down the behavior. Thank you.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thanks for listening!

[@kathyiszkula6710]

Thank you for being who you are and therefor being able to help so many people like me. Do you do any phone counselling?What do you charge for 1 hour, if you do this? In any case, I got so, so much already from listen to you speak about this topic.

[@elizabethdean0187]

Thanks to Lindsay and Les Carter, over this past year, I now have the ‘language’ to frame my experience with my older brother and younger sister. Even up into my 70s, it has been a slog. It would have been so helpful to have understood the phenomenon of the EIP decades ago, but at least now ‘I can take a sigh of relief’. Lindsay’s reference to feeling being ‘asleep’ when interacting with a one-sided focused individual is hugely emotionally draining. I feel it coming on instantly, even at the very thought of interacting with either of them. And, what a personal cost of sublimating my own needs (for dignity, respect and civility) for their sake of being in control. These are not healthy people and ones I no longer wish to have any meaningful relationship with. They thrive on being soul-destroying of others. As Lindsay said, they are being ‘reactive’, likely to triggers from childhood wounds, but nothing that those in their interpersonal space can address. Their need for professional help must come from them, through a process of self-reflection from which they are so far removed (unlikely in this life time). The mind games and brain scrambling were so unpleasant, and no longer to be experienced. Thank you for the insights. Professor-Elizabeth

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thanks for sharing!

[@ContinentsEdge]

This talk is immensely important to me. It describes exactly what I have been subject to for many years. I couldn’t have written a more accurate descriptions.

[@rutaskinas5011]

Great talk. Thank you both very much. Very clear and potent with wisdom.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Our pleasure!

[@melissamoon8891]

at one point the question about a "cousin" to forgiveness comes up and it put me to mind of David Augsburger who speaks about "forgrieving"

[@GK-qc5ry]

First. A really useful listen.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thanks for listening

[@Abrazos573]

I do believe they are aware they are hurting others and using others.

[@Benjaminleo815]

They are.

[@darinsmith2458]

Both my mom and step-father are EIPs.. I think that is why they were attracted to each other.. My guess is that an Emotional Healthy person would not want to be around either of them.. When I stopped reacting they did not want anything to do with me.. I am dealing with all the damage that was done to me for being around that for so long..

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

♥

[@TenPercentHappier]

Sending you good thoughts. Thank you for sharing.

[@darinsmith2458]

@@TenPercentHappier Thank you

[@wrennspencer6070]

Omg, both my parents & my only sibling, exactly fit her description. So do both of my ex-es. It took me many years to get headed in the right direction, away from codependency. I have studied psychology & relationship dynamics for close to 30 years. That long ago there were very few voices speaking about these issues. I'm grateful that, now, it won't take people 30 years & 15 counselors to find answers. (I stayed with the last counselor for over 20 years...but finding someone knowledgeable was extremely hard then.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Wow, thank you for sharing your story.

[@adimeter]

Lindsay, you smack dab hit the nail on the head with so many points! Thank you. And I'm not sure I'm always EM. I lost my temper with a dear friend. I had to reflect and quickly apologize. Thankfully she accepted my humble apology. I have been caught up 100's of times to my detriment. Lots and lots of pain and humiliation!!!

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thanks for sharing!

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

You are awesome ♥! Insight and apology can be a huge relief!

[@polishqueen3671]

Wow..I'm blown away...😮👍🙏🌹 ..I just found You...✨🌄 Best podcast out of all I've been watching- for the past two years...!!🎉 Is an eye opening experience! 😢😅 You are the inspiration for making us understand better and triggering compassion and forgiveness this kinda people in our lives..for sure! Thank you🙏for breaking it down so well❤❤❤ You making such a difference!!🌄

[@TenPercentHappier]

Welcome aboard! We're so glad to have you along for the ride of learning how to happy!

[@suzannecrone5897]

Delighted to hear Gibson's ideas about "forgiveness." I've had a real struggle with this as it is 'expected' in the zeitgeist, but to really forgive has to have some real traction which I couldn't fake. I had actually arrived at "understanding," as a resting point for the process of healing the relationship, with hopes that the true forgiveness might rise through later on. Good. Good. Thank you for this!

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thanks for sharing!

[@TamarasBliss]

Thank you so much for bringing up this topic. So insightful!!! Just excatly what I needed to learn. Thank you so much ❤🙏

[@TenPercentHappier]

Glad it was helpful!

[@pure-pisces9980]

Im an Empath & have to work with a supervisor like this everyday.....I (& others ) spend every dreading minute of what is going to come out of his mouth & belittle me or his next self righteous comment.....its really stressing me out in my job......i dont like confrontation......but its brewing more & more in me & feel disrespected but know that he will not understand how i feel.........so what to do?? Im holding resentment.....(No self reflection at all on his behalf) Thankyou for this video which has given me some understanding which i wasnt aware of 🙏🙏

[@user-jl4gh9pe8b]

Wow it all makes since now. Thank you.

[@ChristinaCopeland-kc9fm]

Thanks for sharing! ❤

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for listening!

[@lulee7375]

Being emotionally mature is about deep self awareness, im still working on myself , but after being in narcissistic relationships ypu catch fleas !!😢😊, work in progress xx

[@TenPercentHappier]

Yes!

[@user-vv4oe8xl2t]

This is so good. Thank you Dan. Thank you Dr. Gibson.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for listening!

[@rascallyrabbit]

it seems to me that we are concentrating on the sick rather than fixing us. They fed us lies so why are we still listening to them. Turn the other cheek. Look for those who affirm us, encourage us, praise us.

[@amberfuchs398]

For me, it goes back to the saying: control what we can control. We can't control, change, or fix others, we can only do that for ourselves. I find it's a waste of my valuable time, energy and effort to try and connect with someone emotionally immature. I'm not interested in parenting other people. They have to do that for themselves.

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

For me I’m “still listening to them” because it’s my parents. Walking away like you might with a self-absorbed partner fells brutal, when it’s your mum&dad. When I was younger I kept making horrible friendships that were similar to my parents, over the decades I did evolve so much to the point that my friends are now wonderful, emotionally healthy people. But I still can’t get rid of my emotionally draining parents, they moved from Europe to Canada to follow me, the “nice empathic child”. So knowing I don’t have it in me to go No Contact, I look for content like this to help me manage better.♥

[@mvbigmagic4048]

@@jmvwegnerpriest I agree. My friends are the balm of my life. But my parents..... I have to constantly remind myself who and what they are. They are not just emotionally immature, they are sociopathic. My dad, on his deathbed, told me a number of gruesome things I didn't know, and honestly didn't NEED TO KNOW. In my case, it's not just emotional immaturity at all...... it's so hard... the cognitive dissonance. Leaving an abusive boyfriend was a piece of cake compared to going no-contact with my deranged parents. But for my kids' safety, I did. I STILL wake up in the mornings and worry about my sociopathic mother. Then I realize.... by enabling her, I am condoning her hurting others. And the guilt of leaving her goes away. She remains surrounded by people of the same mind as her, and so she will never suffer from lack of narcissistic supply. No contact is survival for me and my kids and my husband, who saw through her before I did.

[@user-xe3ml4bt8i]

This makes so much sense to me. My father was EIP and it's affected me in so many ways . I chose a spouse exactly the same. And they both have narcissistic traits . Thx for this talk it's so helpful.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for sharing.

[@SunnyJJJJ]

Thank you so much for this conversation. I learned quite a bit from it and got ideas for how to move forward in life.

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for sharing.

[@onlyonce1707]

This is such a refreshing perspective. Thank you!

[@TenPercentHappier]

We're so glad it's helpful. Thanks for listening!

[@juliejarrett4508]

Amazing…..Thank You!!!

[@agiejones7651]

Brilliant!!! So helpful and clear. Thank You Kindly ❤

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thank you for your kind feedback!

[@bethpowell5824]

"don’t have a sense that other people are psychologically real" EIP "Afraid of emotional intimacy " “They interpret reality according to how they feel" “ego centrism" stress brings out EIP intimate relationships brings out EIP "reactive defense mechanisms" "enmeshment" you need an awareness of the dynamic “remember to take care of yourself first"

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thanks for sharing!

[@joshepherd9095]

Very very grateful for this in depth discussion. I just experienced a confusing and disturbing interaction and now see myself and the other woman much more clearly. I can now move forward with clarity and confidence.

[@TenPercentHappier]

We're so glad you found this helpful!

[@Fegga1955]

Great guidance,thank you

[@TenPercentHappier]

You're very welcome

[@yoga-nidra-ademenmeditatie]

🙏🏼 Thank you both so much for this clearing insights ❤

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thanks for listening!

[@meganjohnson9540]

Thank you so much! This is very helpful. Respect. Keep up the good work. Namaste. 💕

[@TenPercentHappier]

You're so welcome!

[@heatherwall9571]

Our “egos” are the trap. We all have one. Once you transcend it…then your into the real reality. 🙏💙

[@TenPercentHappier]

Thanks for sharing!