My Journey out of Trauma to a BPD Diagnosis | Jake

Jake describes how he came to the BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) diagnosis after years of therapy and effort. He had a traumatic childhood and also has a likely PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) diagnosis.
Jake's psych session with Dr. Choi-Kain is here: • BPD & CPTSD: Therapy C...
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[@JacobLasher]

Thank you for giving me and many a platform to share our story. Oxox. This channel is helping so many. ❤️

[@gautamnest149]

stay strong, it gets better. Knowing helps a long way

[@gautamnest149]

❤❤

[@123janninha]

One thing I see in common among us with BPD is how much research and learning we do once we find out we have BPD. I went on a spiral watching every video I could find, read all the books I could read, articles… spent nights without sleep for a few months wanting to learn everything I could learn about BPD… I didn’t just stop there though, I could say I know the same or maybe more than my DBT therapist knows about cluster B personality disorder lol

[@JacobLasher]

I feel you there! haha

[@bad.chickie66]

That’s a symptom of BPD. Obsessive thinking. 😂😂😂😂

[@connietransference4940]

I'm guessing he had either a PTSD diagnosis or a Bipolar II diagnosis. Both of those are frequently given in place of Borderline Personality Disorder, often because of the poor training of therapists (mostly in that they are taught that if someone had a trauma then they MUST have PTSD--not true since trauma can produce chronic depression, chronic anxiety, bpd, or precipitate a psychotic disorder in someone with a genetic predisposition). Bipolar II in my experience is mostly given by psychiatrists because there is a medication solution for that, which does not exist for BPD. Either way, it's a real professional sin to not diagnose correctly. Look up the DSM for God's sake! The criteria are right there. And no therapist should be like "I don't specialize in this very common disorder". That's like a family practitioner saying "I don't specialize in high blood pressure". Get training. Sorry for the rant, but it's just awful that people have to diagnose themselves. I'm a psychologist, btw. Blessings to all reading this, hope everyone finds their path. You can definitely get better from BPD.

[@TheAaronJP]

I work in the UK as a clinical psychologist and there is a strong movement to move away from diagnosis, prescribing anti depressants, and focus on formulation more. I am personally happy with this development. I have completed some useful work with my patients without a diagnosis but patients often find a diagnosis validating. Finding a psychiatrist in the UK to provide diagnosis is ever so difficult. I imagine it is more accessible in the US.

[@JacobLasher]

Thank you!!! You hit the nail on the head. I appreciate your words oxoxox.

[@guesswho5790]

​@@TheAaronJPalso, it is my understanding that in the US getting a diagnosis is important mainly for insurance reasons. Makes sense that in different countries we develop different approaches. In Spain we've got most people hooked on benzodiazepinas and try to get by.

[@bad.chickie66]

Ok doctor KZbinr 😂

[@josephinewong4510]

Being a therapist, I really appreciate this interveiw and many others. I don't know what it is like to get in front of the camera and talk about yourself in such a vulnerable way. It is people like Jake and their lived experiences that create this beautiful bridge to fill a knowing gap, cognitively and emotionally. Thank you so much.

[@guesswho5790]

I love this. Because you know that what you're experiencing is not normal. You try to hide it (others want you to as well), but eventually it's just too much and either you finally die because of this or someone finally takes the time to listen and is trained to help people like us.

[@pump9114]

Live for Jake, I audibly laughed when he said, "in the forest, no one can hear the abuse." It's so true-- personally I relate: no one called the police in EITHER of my townhouses. Love Jake, he is such a outgoing character!

[@jamesthorne8516]

The craziest thing about BPD that I have noticed is how much you just truly do not know yourself. I filled my life with things I thought made me feel alive, drugs, alcohol, P***, whatever. I thought I LIKED those things because they would illicit "feelings" when I could feel nothing but emptiness anytime I was sober or not distracting myself. The shifting between believing one thing about yourself and then at any random point, you believe the direct opposite. You never ever get a sense of who you are or what you believe in because nothing stays the same. You are constantly shifting between pure disassociation or distraction. I have always had constrained relationships with friends and family because I wasn't very human in the ways they were or I just flat out acted so uninterested in them as a friend, that the relationships eventually just dissipated and we weren't friends anymore. I either felt like I didn't care or I would try to reach out to them here and there and it was just awkward. There's nothing worse for another person than the mind games BPD has you play with other people. Almost always people thought very negatively of me and that only exacerbated my issues with relating to people, as I could never EVER accept that I was culprit. To this day, almost 30 years old, I still cannot handle feeling like I'm doing wrong. I cannot handle feeling like the problem and that only makes me act worse. It's one of many things I truly struggle with next to empathy for other feelings. It's almost like you truly just cannot relate to others emotions and as humans, we're mostly emotions. On top of feeling nothing most times, there are times where I feel far too much and end up being toxic and abusive. I don't even see my actions or the nasty things I've said until hours later and tons of convincing. I was diagnosed with BPD by a NP on the internet about two months ago. I thought I was just a nasty narcissistic *bleep*hole because I was told that I was often enough. The hardest part of BPD, is how you affect others. It's so sad and twisted. You really don't realize the damage you do to someone until it's been years of them putting up with you and now they're so broken, they end up developing mental issues from your "swings of abuse".

[@AJ22-80]

Jake thank you for your candor. You speak both like me and for me. Ya did real good ❤ thank you Rebbie, Thank you for Borderline Notes and all you have done making available so many experts, both those with bpd and those trying to help.

[@tobewanad]

First, thank you Jake for your story. I'm about where you are in your journey, a little over a year after diagnosis. I haven't had the trauma you have, but hearing the way you'll bring up something you know to be hurtful or should be hurtful, then say "so that's, y'know" without identifying or expressing the emotion reminded me of myself. I wish you the best in your growth I'd honestly love to be interviewed over webcam, to show the various symptom expression within men. I was the 30+ year old man diagnosed last year with BPD and AvPD that commented on Tiffany's interview within the last week. Please reach out, I'd love to (like Jake and David) put a human face to Borderline :)

[@deothang]

Jake I watched your first interview on here...I am so glad you are finding yourself and have a better understanding of youraelf....Most of us are miss diagnosed...LOVE IS ALL ...NO SURRENDER !

[@derrick9635]

Im genuinely happy fof others that find the answers . I found out too late ,destroyed myself with self destruction. Im amazed how bad i hated myelf . God bless channels lke this and the guests 🙏.

[@renacleerican7824]

Same here. Too late😢

[@jotaelmer]

thank you Jake for talking so open about it. really helped

[@sweet2sourr]

This was great! Thank you Jake and Rebbie

[@kimmig769]

i relate with you Jake 100% i just got diagnosed 2 years ago . thank you so much for sharing your story!!

[@ronbrickner4274]

What an amazing interview. I laughed, I cried and mostly felt inspired to keep fighting against the wicked and awful BPD. Jake your presentation was so authentic and you have a wonderful way with words. I can tell your making progress for sure. To be able to be that honest for that long ….. that’s progress and inspirational. Thank you both for putting this content out here for all of us to learn from and feel so not alone ❤ ps great sense of humor I would change a thing

[@JacobLasher]

Thank you. I appreciate that so much! Take care, my friend!

[@gentGTR]

Thanks for doing this, Jake. ✊🏼

[@ariela5722]

Thank you jake! I relate to everything you’ve said and each video your in, it’s as if we have the same life. Sending you lots of love and thank you for being vulnerable and sharing ❤

[@joshking7420]

Thank you !

[@hinikki8747]

Definitely helped me. Thank you.

[@LexRex11]

Ive spent my whole life in failed relationships, struggling to maintain friendships, codependency and abandonment issues, self harm with many scars, drug and sex addicitions and homelessness. I have left a trail of destruction. Nothing has helped me more than my own research and learning of psychology and the nature of reality, semen retention, LSD and ketamine.

[@renacleerican7824]

Please I got the same profile as you..they finally diagnosed me a year ago..but after almost 4 decades of total chaos, I am too broken. How do ketamine( this scares me, I know so many pple crasizily addicted to this substance), and lsd help you with bpd???? I also auto-"medicate", not to heal, just to bear the psychic pains, with cannabis( to numb), smtimes alcohol( to feel some joy), and smtimes microdosing mdma( I dont know why, just to try an other thing..). I just want to find something that helps a bit to see the world without this gloomy lenses.

[@LexRex11]

@@renacleerican7824 both have opened up lots of blocks in my identity which helped me bring up and process alot of childhood fears and repressed emotions which helps me feel alot lighter. My experience with ketamine is it has raised my vibration (everything is energy) and it basically puts me in a deep meditative state. LSD inspires creativity in me and a want to spend more time in nature which is healing within it self. My experience with cannabis has always been negative tbh as I found it only amplified everything I was already feeling, paranoia, anxiety, feeling small.... A daily battle when the damage is already done. X 👍

[@joyjoy-lf2py]

Hi Connie are you serious???? Cause ive been literally told by professionals that im sick in the head Not worth time and effort since i will never get better They decided so therefore no treatment just endure whatever came my way And no right to be protected either according to experts, and police and social work So ihave been lied too big time And then purposefully slandered,and accuse me of endangering my son while im risking my life to keep him Alive by finally being able to escape his abusive controlling threaten to kill me regularly and all that fun stuff . And im traumatized but im not allowed to have it cause i now have to focus on being a good mum, while not giving me the means but just standing by and watch me mess up and then critizise me Why did i leave if the abuse continues and the gaslighting Im so fucking mad and i have a right to be But since im borderline im not allowed to be mad But now i need a lawyer Im so done with this injustice

[@onyllindoro1361]

I am gay and this guy is beautiful. Thanks to open up so fearlesly.

[@renacleerican7824]

What you being gay has anything to do with him being beautiful? I dont see the point.

[@onyllindoro1361]

@@renacleerican7824 I mean to open up so frankly about his journey is something beautiful and brave to me.

[@renacleerican7824]

@@onyllindoro1361 sorry. I had an anger phase. And all I have found is to be a sort of troll on the yt comments's sections. Sometimes, I just write very long tirades about how sad, lonely and unfortunate I am, whining complacenly, looking for attention. Like this: I am a 37 homosexual man. I have no one, neither family, nor friends or lover, no therapist, no one on earth. I spend days and night by myself. All the time. I got bpd-cptsd since a long time, I was mostly homeless( former foster child) so left undiagnosed until last year, after a rough( I thought it was the last finally) phase. Yt is unfortunately the last way I have to communicate with other people. I don't know for you, but I feel like my different and not very popular sexual orientation is in fact a comorbidity. It aggravates the symptoms, I've been bullied, lynched, harassed, excluded, mocked, used, all my life because I am an effeminate( I try not to be but in vain) man attracted by its own gender. And the loneliness...oh my God, I have sadly gave up the illusion of finding someone to be with. Sex too, I have just realized it was mostly me reproducing some initial abuses. Never really been there with the "partner", I dissociate, or try to do whatever I can to please them, only focused on their pleasure, even if its painful, I very rarely had a mutual "plenitude". My brain only thoughts are :" is he finding me disgusting? Is he having pleasure?.., sometimes I even hide my face under a pillow, cause I am sure they find me ugly that close. It is sordid. So what is left for me? I can not adopt a dog anymore, the loss of my beloved one who was my only family was the worst pain I have ever suffered from. And I am way too messy, emotionally instable, and poor( dont even have a driving license, a job, and I live in a tiny studio under the roof in a huge polluted city),to be a good companion for an innocent dog. So youtube's comments's section it is. And I sincerely apologize to my fellow borderlines for being such a passive-aggressive, self-pitying, attention grabbing, pain in the *ss.

[@lucifernandez1859]

Jake BPD is one of the more common misdiagnosis for ASD.

[@Anotherhumanexisting]

Also very common to get both. Growing up neurodivergent can be inherently more traumatic.

[@kimberlymiller655]

I wish he would speak about actual symptoms and/or examples of what he is saying. This is so generalized.

[@JDforeveralone]

Yes me too! From what I understood he seems to be on the quiet BPD side. Comparing him with Charlotte when being interviewed you can see a difference. Hope that they will do another one with him where he addresses his symptoms.

[@sweet2sourr]

He’s recently diagnosed so I imagine he hasn’t had many discussions about this. He was vulnerable and I think that was quite beautiful. If we want to talk about symptoms, your comments could be interpreted as your rejecting him.

[@JacobLasher]

@@sweet2sourrthank you. Plus , once the cameras are on you, thoughts get jumbled and I word vomited many times in these videos haha. There’s only so much time to talk about everything. Haha oxox but I get where the original commenter is coming from :)

[@sweet2sourr]

@@JacobLasher Hey Jacob! Great interview, thank you for sharing! I especially liked the part where you discussed society and what’s expected of men. I love representation for men with BPD and so I’ve subscribed to your channel.

[@JDforeveralone]

​@@sweet2sourrso sorry that my comment came over as being him rejecting!! There was no intention whatsoever of that - much the opposite :) I only know too well how it feels having someone you love suffering BPD. And your right, it's too hasty a request ❤

[@le_th_]

If and when they're in a reasonably "good" and stable place, people with BPD are some of the kindest, most thoughtful, gentle and loving people you will encounter. However, if you catch them in a sadistic state, where they just want to hurt someone...anyone...just so someone else can be as "miserable" as they are feeling, not even god can help you. Some of these individuals are capable of leaving others with a degree of full-blown PTSD that it will rob them of *years* of their life trying to heal from it. Worse still, they can leave you facing a prison sentence for decades, destroy your person and your professional life, leaving you incapable of ever working again...almost anywhere...because they chose to intentionally destroy that person's life so someone else could suffer as much as they do (and I do mean FALSE allegations). I once was so ignorant and naive that I believe it was impossible for someone to falsely accuse a man of sexual misconduct, or childhood sexual abuse, or far more sexually violent crimes, but my god, was I ever a completely naive idiot to ever believe that. I had no idea what a characterological disorder was...that people with such warped moral character existed...or that these disorders began in early childhood and that even elementary-aged children were capable of doing some of the unconscionable things that some of them are capable to doing, even to an adult. Worse still, some of them will fabricate sexual misconduct (including up to full-blown assault) and do this to someone who has never done a thing to harm them, knowing full well...as a child...that the false allegations will destroy the person's life. This is something I could have never believed to be true until I heard on woman with BPD admit what she did to her elementary school janitor, and how she intentionally planned it all out in her head ahead of time, and how she anticipated what it would do to his life...and how her teachers would treat her...and she went so far as to elaborate on how she intentionally made herself slump down on the swings and look sad and traumatized so that her teachers would come over and ask her what was wrong (after seeing her dramatically different behavior and growing concerned), and how she would speak to them at first, making them grow even more concerned, and thinking all of this out ahead of time just so she could *get the sympathy of her teachers*. Yes, this now grown adult woman diagnosed with BPD admitted, rather shamefully (of course, what decent human being wouldn't feel shame after doing this to an innocent man who never touched her), that she destroyed this man's livelihood, his ability to ever get a job in another school, and possible even destroyed his marriage and his ability to be around his own children (and then think of what this did to his children!), all so she could get some sympathy. She did not know if the man went to prison, but it's hard to imagine that he didn't. The woman has since taken the video down after being harassed online by other people with BPD who threatened and berated her, telling her she was further creating stigma (and clearly none of those people who threatened and harassed her want the truth to be out there in the world). I can tell you that even my own sister has traumatized grown men so badly that one killed himself a few years after she ripped through his life like a tornado...and it took me decades to realize what she had done to this 6'4" gentle giant with a master's degree in English literature. No matter how sweet she can be in moments...no matter how thoughtful she can be in moments...no matter how empathic she can be in moments...that does not erase the monster she has been in the past, or how she destroys people's reputations when they say or do something to upset her. Very few people with BPD have the moral compass to admit when they've harmed an innocent person so intentionally and irreparably, so I comment that female for finally doing so, despite the person who interviewed her taking the video down after extreme pressure, threats to report the channel, etc. I definitely understand why they once considered BPD the female version of psychopathy. What is truly traumatizing is it is something the most *seemingly* gentle, wounded, vulnerable Borderlines who just randomly destroy people. There is no denying that people with BPD have oftentimes been traumatized, and some of them have been traumatized so badly that they don't even remember the trauma they experienced because their toddler brain couldn't handle it and buried it so it can never be found again. That said, people must also remember that you would be completely and utterly foolish to NOT recognize the harm that some of the most seemingly vulnerable borderlines WILLINGLY and INTENTIONALLY are capable of *intentionally* inflicting on others just to satisfy their own sick, sadistic pleasure. Most will NOT have the moral compass to ever admit the horrific things they do to others, but this one rather courageous woman did, and she did it to help rid herself of the deep shame she felt. (and those with BPD who saw it went into full-blown cyber-assault to get the video taken down because they were concerned others would learn just how young...and how sadistic...many of them can intentionally be). To falsely accuse an innocent man like that I think might be as serious and disgusting a crime as the crime a child predator commits, and it's the sadistic intent for personal gain behind the false allegations that is so troubling from the little girl with BPD. She was willing to say anything, knowing she would completely destroy the elementary school's janitor, all so she could elicit sympathy from her elementary school teachers. I mean, W O W, there is no way I could have done any of that, not even as a grown adult woman, much less as a child in elementary school. It's so evil it's hard to imagine anyone but a sociopath could intentionally do that to an innocent person who never hurt them or interacted with them in any way.

[@AA-iy4gm]

from all that I've read and listened to about BPD what you're describing is much closer to NPD and similar to those disorders because of those planned destructive tendencies towards others, people with just BPD don't have that, they turn onto themselves more than anything, so those people you mentioned could have also had comorbidities like NPD or worse.