Surviving Stonewalling In Relationships EASILY - V’s Story

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

Hey guys hope this was helpful! Leave me a comment with your thoughts? Be sure to check out my brand new masterclass on the 5 Proven Steps to Rebuilding Your Relationship/Marriage. (Warning: Spots are limited) Here is the link to the MASTERCLASS! -> urlgeni.us/MCTSVIFRDS Download the FREE GUIDE! -> relationshipsmastered.com/healing-partner-emotions To see how all my clients have achieved massive success through dire & hopeless circumstances, click here! kzbin.info/aero/PLQ8tvyhQlPzsNm-vC_g_8SWGcJRngefgU

[@jasonnewman8680]

Hey, V! Jason Newman here. I just want to drop you a line because I know you will read these comments, as I had mine when my video was published. Not only was this a fantastic video, but listening to and hearing about your journey and seeing the work you have put in has also been an amazing story to watch. I am incredibly proud of you and remember our first call over two years ago. It is not easy for those of us to come to KZbin, be humble, and share our stories. However, it shows a tremendous amount of leadership, so keep being a leader and, keep inspiring those around you, and never stop climbing. :)

[@livewithinthedream]

Love how you said to learn it through the pressure, through the pain. I understand what V is saying about the possibility, but that's all it is...a possibility. It is relatable only when some sort of victim mindset is still clawing at the back of your mind, since it is simply an excuse to avoid responsibility. This in particular pertains to one of your other videos, where you speak about how these moments of pain and loneliness are one of those treasured time spans where you get to learn and truly grow as an individual. USE IT! So lately, I have seen this type of learning as truly thriving. As a way to get the skills that no other time in your life can allow you to get, as now I find a person needs to be in that "suffering" to truly understand their partners pain but also the severity of their mindsets...of their paradigms. We need that pain as motivation to move as forward. It is actually a beautiful and wonderful thing, even though in the moment it feels like simple dread. Anyway, thanks as always G.

[@cell5066]

It's been almost three months since the break, and after I gave her space, she opened up about her stresses. One thing she mentioned was feeling 'spoilt' if someone tolerates her temper because she thinks it's that much of a hassle. I used to believe tolerating her temper was enough, but now I realize that's a very low standard and its true, one day in the relationship, tolerating did fail. My old method of walking away to cool down was so bad that she could show off her new partner handling it with quick fixes, apologies, knowtowing, promises, and distractions like taking her out to eat. But now i see, that doesn’t solve anything long-term but it was such an upgrade still. Real support is about creating emotional safety and understanding, not just putting up with tempers and swollowing your anger. And now i see her temper as her voicing out how much somthing matters to her and i want to use it to understand, learn and heal her.

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

You got it! It takes a real man who can create safety to be able to do that. This is my definition of a sigma male :)

[@livewithinthedream]

Do you find that her temper could very well be grounded in your blindness to your contribution to the break up? I am just asking as the way it is described in your post, as a third party, it comes across as you blaming her. Yet what was missing in your 50% of contribution? Did you see the forest behind the tree? As in, what did her temper stem from, what did she try to voice all the times you kept “cool” and walked away not facing the issue. Just food for thought, as I found myself in similar situations but the reality was I simply refused to look at my failures. Again this is just for conversation purposes as your post seems interesting

[@cell5066]

​@@livewithinthedream Thanks for your input, and thats a valid point and No i dont blame her for the way she acted at all, I would have done the same as her. Looking back, I contributed to the issues, especially by not fully understanding where her temper came from. I can see now that her temper wasn’t about just getting angry, it came from caring deeply about the issues and wanting to address them. She was always expressive and never tried to hide what was bothering her, but I failed to respond in a way that made her feel heard. Whenever she brought something up, I would walk away to cool down, thinking it was the best way to avoid saying something hurtful in the moment. But what I didn’t realize was that walking away made her feel like I didn’t care, especially when she asked me to stay and talk it out mamy times, and i promised to learn to stay many times too but broke them. I was too focused on managing my own emotions, when what she needed was for me to be present in the moment. This breakup has given me a lot of time to reflect on my actions, and I’m working on owning my failures and learning how to handle emotional situations better moving forward. Thankfully, I don't see tempers flaring as an issue now, I see it as a gift, and im grateful

[@livewithinthedream]

​@@cell5066 You go it my brother. You know it sounds like you have the right mindset, for the now and moving forward. I hope whatever you choose to pursue you find no regrets at the end! Nice reading your reply

[@cell5066]

​@livewithinthedream You too brother, it's so strange, I kind of look forward to arguements or tempers now and don't see it as a hindrance/problem because its like discovering a core issue and I now get to learn about it and address it Thanks to Geofferys videos, i really felt the pain, knowing that she was all alone. That whenever I walked away too cool off, she felt so isolated so lonely, that she needed to deal with her temper and issues by herself and her partner, the one who promised to be by her side till the day I died, left her every single time. It was such a gift and I threw it away everytime. I will never let myself repeat those mistakes again with her or with another partner

[@manilamerkgaming]

I might even just sign up after this one. My partner I believe has some sort of disorder and I would always say my situation is unique. Safety has been removed so much that she blocked me on all social media and filed divorce. But I do love her and am still hurt. I’ve been playing victim for a while now and through Geoffrey’s videos I’ve been looking at where I went wrong and slowly realizing the safety I didn’t provide her.

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

I love it! I am encouraged by your inspiration to want to do the work and make massive changes. Let us know how we can help and when you are ready to take things to the next level. :)

[@Mikaflyd]

Hey G awesome Video, i love listening from time to time now, and just paying attention to the 3-4-5 interactions. Thank you.

[@ergosiphon8638]

LFG! Great interview V! Looking forward to what phase 4 is about to bring as I step into it! Your post about the 5000 apologies and G’s response were great, added some stuff to my MM from it!

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

Love to hear it! If you want to grow like Vee, then make sure to prioritize Phase 1 especially! You need that solid foundation to make the internal shifts!

[@ahmedshah5922]

As a law of nature everything chooses the path of least resistance from electricity to human beings , that’s what makes it so easy to fall for victim mindsets because it gives us the least resistance in the short term . The key is to realize that in the long term it’s actually the path of most resistance and working on urself and getting better is actually the path of least resistance in the long run . Suffer now and enjoy the rest of ur life or give urself relief now and suffer for the rest of ur life . Or as Geoffrey calls it the rewards vs punishment paradox

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

Exactly Right Ahmed! Everyone gets to choose their hard ! Would love to hear what from this video specifically sparked you to mention that!

[@ahmedshah5922]

@@GeoffreySetiawan the conversation about placing “faults” . I’ve been focusing extra on victim mindsets recently since I realized that in the past I skirted past it to an extent thinking to myself that I don’t really have a lot of those but I couldn’t have been more wrong. So just thought I’d share my perception on what I’ve learned about victim mindsets through your channel and my observations from self reflecting more deeply.

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

​@@ahmedshah5922 Bingo, the victim mindsets will always find a way to tempt you towards bad habits. If adopting good habits was easy, then wouldn't everyone have done it already :) The key to overcoming victim mindsets is to separate away from whose "fault" it is. The victim mindsets will cause you to waste so much time determining whose fault it is. The truth is, it doesn't fucking matter. The bigger questions are always centered around RESPONSE-ABILITY... What are YOU going to do about it? How are you going to change the environment, create MASSIVE safety, and TRANSCEND whatever bullshit the victim mindsets will tempt you towards? If your partner saw you focus on creating an AMAZING environment non-stop, despite any and all resistance she tosses as you, won't that inspire her to contribute towards creating a safer environment as well? In essence, can't we become the ones to CHANGE the entire feedback loop of our relationships? You inspire her, she inspires you, you two inspire each other :)

[@JonathanRobinson11]

Another good video.

[@mason5211]

Hey Geoffrey my partner has been broken with me for a month now. Each time I try to talk to her and understand her feelings she tells me that talking to me will only make it harder to move on. How do i go about this without feeling pushy. Ive been telling her how much i appreciate her sharing with me the emotion that she doesnt want to talk and i understand but she never lets it get past that point. Im afraid if i keep reaching out shell eventually have enough and block me because im making it too hard to move on. This process is quite difficult as it is only over text and she refuses to talk on the phone or in person at all. As always thanks for the videos!

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

If she is stonewalling you, does that mean she feels safe with you? To share her feelings with you? To go through her problems with you? If she doesn't feel safe with you, why do you think that is? Do you think there is a reason why we say that the foundation for every relationship is safety? So, you ask, what can I do? Isn't the answer to this the same as the answer we've given in all our resources? Put yourself in a position where she actually wants to have these conversations with you. Learn to create the 5 pillars. Backed up by internal shifts. Backed up by strong ID shifts. No? To date, we've done 120+ interviews, all of these people have different circumstances, but all were caused by the same things (Broken 5 pillars), and all were resolved by the same things (re-create the 5 pillars). Do you see a pattern here? :) We have an entire playlist on stonewalling, have you had a chance to watch these videos yet? kzbin.info/www/bejne/hF6XZ5yvoLyihck&pp=gAQB

[@mason5211]

@@GeoffreySetiawan hey Geoffrey thanks for the answer. I've studied and changed a lot and built my internal shifts. I can handle the conversations and make the outcome positive. The issue is i made so many promises to be a better person to her but always failed. Like you mentioned she was in a catch 22 and has tried for so long the only option left was to leave. She won't let me get more than 1 sentence in without telling me she doesn't want to talk but I also turn that into a positive by telling her thank you for showing me how strong your emotions are but that's as far as she'll let me go. How do I go about contacting her without her instantly pushing me away. I think the trust issue is a big one, but she also sees this as just another part of life and has her mind on moving on. Thanks again!

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

Would you say by continually reaching out to her you are operating from a Hunter or a Farmer's mindset? I am glad you are changing this time and working on making the internal shifts (I trust you've watched that full series as well?), but the more you try sometimes, the further you push your partner away. A little more specific in this video: kzbin.info/www/bejne/f3yaeZxpnKZ1qtU

[@mason5211]

@@GeoffreySetiawan I have watched the whole series on making the internal shifts and wouldn't describe myself as a hunter because I am genuinely improving my life and if she comes back as a byproduct that would be amazing. We have only texted twice in 1 month and I left both situations off on a good note (planting seeds) but she made it very clear she did not want to talk. I want to respect her space, but I am also afraid as time goes on she will begin to move on even more and it will be even harder to contact her. I know you have talked about time being a big part of this (let the planted seeds grow), so do you think that is the issue I am facing? Or do you think if I wait she will continue her journey of moving on? I really do appreciate the advice!

[@livewithinthedream]

I don’t want to step on any feet, but by what I am reading here from you in response to G you are definitely a hunter. If you truly were in a farmer mindset you wouldn’t be asking when and how the seeds will yield. You would know that when they are ready they will bloom. As for when, she decides the when so don’t think so much about it. Perhaps consider restarting from the internal shifts, it’s what I had to do once already because I was where you are now. It seems to me that you are very outcome focused and tethered to her responses, and by that note your reconciliation will never happen unless you basically start from scratch.

[@MattBlogna]

What if it's been a year apart sees your changes but says it's to late

[@lukeleonardrasmussen3550]

@GeoffreySetiawan another masterpiece. I really liked this interview. Thank you too Vi and Saboor