Giving Advice Is A Waste of Time. Do This Instead. | Jocko Willink | The Debrief

Former Navy SEAL and Extreme Ownership co-author Jocko Willink and TOPGUN and Echelon Front Instructor Dave Berke break reveal what it takes to ultimately win by building trust with your team.
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#extremeownership #leadership #podcast

[@michaelwagner2489]

I was told many years ago, something that has stuck with me... Advise given when not requested is always going to be seen as criticism

[@luciatheron1621]

Great. They then avoid me and don't waste my time.

[@janeblogs324]

The old saying "some people are immune to good advice"

[@danaj7901]

great advice never heard it -"advise given when not requested is always going to be seen as criticism" perfect i wish I heard this years ago. thanks

[@miketype1each]

@@michaelwagner2489 While in the military, I was shown how to correctly do a thing we'd all been taught to do wrong. The guy who showed us did it incorrectly, and we followed suit. I could've taken offense, like the majority of people might have, but the proof was in the result. So, I never again performed that task the way we were taught the first time. Why would I? It was wrong. Anyway, I never asked the guy who showed me how to properly go about it to show me the true method. He showed me to keep me from struggling at it.

[@avxy3632]

​@@miketype1each I don't get your last two sentences, could you explain?

[@Oldbroad1]

Never underestimate a person’s ability to solve their own problems. (or make them). That’s priceless advice!

[@Spence1976]

Hey hey hey, didnt you see the sign? Stop giving advice 😄😄

[@SoloRenegade]

"learn from the mistakes of others, you won't live long enough to make them all yourself." due to learning this lesson as a kid, I have welcomed other's advice my WHOLE life and Thrived as a result. People constantly asking how i learn stuff so fast. Simple, read a LOT of books, and listen to what others have to say.

[@cloudsmith7803]

But wait a minute, I like reinventing the wheel all the time...! lol

[@leifbabin1512]

Good call

[@Hemingway308]

Thank you for the advice.

[@stann6868]

And maybe even ask a few carefully worded (written questions can easily be taken the wrong way) questions.

[@joshportelli]

Well done!

[@reliablethreat23]

The ONLY people who absorb your advice are the ones who are truly coming to you for help.

[@theberserker5077]

not true.... it is those who are in trouble and are available for it.

[@leifbabin1512]

Humility is the most important quality in a leader. Approaching a situation by asking earnest questions and allowing people to reveal the truth to themselves delivers the best possible outcome.

[@SaraX2024]

If they are genuine. Had a person I mentored for some time, who turned envious because I was already where she wanted to be. Turned out, she was full of delusions and I needed to walk on egg shells around her insecurities.

[@angrywolf8610]

I truly would listen to my best friend for advice not just because he was an ex-Green Beret but because I knew that he truly cared and at the same time I knew I truly needed the help and advice.

[@Astral_Dusk]

Survival truth

[@djjiang3718]

When a student is present, a teacher will appear

[@markoneil5279]

As a 63 year old guy who has given a lot of advice, my advice is. . .don’t give advice.

[@davidnelson7719]

As a 45 year old guy with a 33 year old boss, I tell a lot of stories about how things went wrong and how things went right. I ask a lot of questions about what he thinks about things. And I 100% don't want his job. Helps quite a lot.

[@chrisburnsed6349]

Yep. I agree. An ex co-worker of mine had a saying he used all the time and I loved it! “Unsolicited advise is wasted”. Meaning never give advise to anyone who isn’t willing to ask for it , even when you see them struggle and can easily help.

[@harryv6752]

Werd.

[@ragetobe]

That’s not a saying, it’s just a sentence.

[@ronn68]

Years ago I was told “Don’t give advice unless people are asking for your help”. I firmly believe this is a good policy.

[@rayflaherty3441]

The noun is "advice", not "advise". The verb is "to advise".

[@jackcarpenters3759]

unsollicited advice is also boundary violation, just ask first if the person wants your advice, or wants to struggle a little longers to figure it out on their own.

[@99PMoon]

The best way of giving advice is to make the other person think it was their own idea.

[@kevngu7256]

Exactly

[@gigantopithecushominoidea8779]

The problem with all of this, honestly, it's coming from an advice of authority, which means, no matter what you do to follow the advice, you're not that person, it's wrong to give advices like (piss off and be better) when I know one thing is not going to help out, whenever advices work out, it's because they did it themselves. Do not give advices, that's mine, take them and show them what to do, I remember receiving instructions from guys with thirty years experience and I was thinking, nobody here is going to learn that in one day they are all faking it, and they were, and the instructor was faking it, you either care about the other person to help them all the way and take him under your wing or you're just saying something to get rid of the troublesome guy asking for help.

[@gigantopithecushominoidea8779]

@Muskeln-kaufende manipulators all around us, at least he is being sincere, his advice is for the other person to fake it until they make it. And to always Keep their head lower than his.

[@Yamaazaka]

True self inception. Is crucial for the mind to digest things. Any masterful teacher is masterfully manipulative.

[@MARZ-FM]

I usually just keep my mouth shut and stay joyful

[@tedlogan4867]

pearls before swine. Some truths are too valuable to be tossed before the unworthy. That is a hard truth one must understand and accept.

[@brianmatthews4323]

Jesus Christ taught that.

[@susan7374]

I recently came to this realisation. I have been giving advice for years and seems like little to no body would listen. I finally think it could be my ego that need to give that advice and feel good. i learnt from my own mistake and never again. DONT GIVE ADVISE WHEN IT IS NOT ASKED FOR. Best policy ever. Ever since that day (it has not been a week), i feel tons of burden uplifted from my head. I feel free. I no longer worried about this person or that person. I trust when the right time come, they will be able to solve their own problems.

[@ratoneJR]

My experience is that no one is ready to change until they have failed in every single plan they can think of. Until they are absolutely done trying, I offer little to no advice. Right or wrong, I will not waste my time trying to help those who don't want it. There are others to help that are actually ready for change

[@jude.v25]

As a leadership coach, I find that I can make a greater difference in the leaders I work with by asking good questions. A good question has the power to capture the mind, redirect thought, create awareness... It also communicates that you place value in the other person. The greatest leader/teacher in the world often asked powerful questions in context of his teaching. In the end, however, you can only make a difference with those who are willing to be helped. Minimally, one should always ask permission before giving advice and avoid using the word "advice".

[@deebopheng8424]

Very powerful. 100% agree. Sometimes they want to vent rather than take advice. Asking questions still leaves power in the hand of the person needing help and so they learn to discover the things they need to do.

[@qwertylife]

Exactly. Also, it's baffling why so many people think they will solve a problem by giving unsolicited advice without bothering to fully understand that problem first.

[@samthesr20man]

It's coaching vs mentorship, coaching them is making them reach the solution themselves so they actually learn it. You move into mentorship when the person reaches the end of their own means, and understands that

[@shotcaller69]

Dude, is this Socrates?

[@jeremyaragon5174]

Jocko is giving advice to not give advice because most people don't like taking advice. Not sure if I should take his advice.

[@kevola5739]

Good advice!

[@leifbabin1512]

Ha! It’s good advice to avoid giving advice. I would consider taking it.

[@4literv6]

That was great! Reminds me of "you don't know what you don't know? Until you know that you don't know it" 😀

[@vwr32jeep]

My advice is that you should take his advice.

[@ejhayes]

You came here, so you his format works. We are willing and eager to listen to his advice. Take this into account when giving others advice, only when they ask. Man, this hits real hard for me. Never thought of the need to give advice as part of an ego issue for me…..man. This is especially hard for me parenting my 9yo son. He’s stopped listing at all. I’m trying to figure it out by looking to myself, but I think this right here is part of the answer. Just stop telling him anything until he asks or shows interest. Seems super wild, but I don’t think we can have a great relationship until this line of communication is opened. Thanks for the thoughts gentlemen!!

[@klmorg63]

I don’t give advice except to myself. After 60 years I’ve learned I’m usually the problem, whether it be the way I communicate, the way I react to someone else giving me advice and in reality it’s my ego standing in my way. You really have to get in front of a mirror and talk to yourself to get there, at least that’s my experience. Keep learning, never give up! Thanks Jocko and Dave!

[@darrellgrant7615]

I stopped giving anyone advice a long time ago. People never listen to me anyway so now I just sit back and watch them fail. When they complain to me about a situation I just reply with “that really sucks” or “oh man sorry to hear that”. I’m through with people stealing my energy. WTF do I care if they’re miserable ? We’re all adults fix it yourself.

[@thomaszahreddin200]

and everybody is free to ask for advice, if they realy want it!

[@crazywisdom2]

1000 %

[@azkon7975]

If I'm being honest, maybe that's actually what they need. They don't need advice. They just need your emotional support while they try and figure stuff out themselves, even if they're doing it stupid. If anyone needs advice, they can straight up ask for help. Until then, just sit and listen.

[@frankprit3320]

you nailed it brother. yep everybody expects me to fix their problems, but nobody wants to fix mine.

[@michaelscott-joynt3215]

It sounds like you needed some advice. Very few people actually ask for help. Complaining isn't an invitation or a fire you need to put out. There are way too many of us who find it easy to pretend we have answers. We put problems on ourselves. You're bitter that they didn't resolve themselves. It's okay to give advice, but pick your battles. Start with the most important people in your life, then realize most everyone else doesn't matter, and that you don't know them or what you're talking about anyway.

[@epm357]

I don't give advice anymore. People are just going to do what they want. But do not help them when they fail. They need to face the consequences of their actions.

[@brahtrumpwonbigly7309]

I don't either. I usually just speak in generalities when people are talking to me about issues. They'll say something about their girlfriend lets say, and I'll tell them something like "Yea, in society I see this or that happen in these kinds of situations, and it makes me think I'd be better off doing x or y."

[@OhNoNotAgain42]

I think you just gave advice to everyone on the internet

[@saucyrossy3698]

@@OhNoNotAgain42ego alert

[@ChefNutter]

Thanks the advise!

[@Grwthwarrior]

I’m selective in who I spend my advice calories on. I prefer to give info to a broader team, you never know who it may impact.

[@ron2280]

This type of advice prepares people to be gaslighted. Part of mentoring is establishing the proper negotiating position. Catering to someone else's ego and rebellion through mind tricks and manipulation does not help them in the long run and they use up your time and energy. Advice is an excellent screening tool. Offer someone advice who comes to you for counsel and watch carefully what they do. If they try, then you are working with someone you can help. If they don't listen, I'll stop giving them advice and use my time and experience on the ones who will listen. The challenge is not fixing people.... that's impossible. Only they can do that. The challenge is using your time effectively. Screen out rebellion and ego until they are so desperate for your help they are finally willing to listen and change. We have to be okay with them staying just the way they are to pull this off. Chasing people who don't want to change is not good for anyone.

[@christinewillis7545]

1. Drop the ego. 2. Clarify their mindset. Open mind, broken mind, closed mind. 3. Clarify the assumptions/expectations. 4. Make suggestions with options. 5. Close by saying that its ok if you don't want to follow the suggestions. Because this is their life NOT yours. 6. Creating a non judgmental environment - helps further engagement. 7. Important to listen. 8. Prompt with questions rather than answers. 9. Allow them to find their answers. 10. When I know I'm dealing with a closed mind - I don't engage.

[@hoodhippychick]

🎯

[@MattShelley138]

This may assist some folks: "I can't teach you anything, I can only show you what I am doing" - Paul Akers

[@deankruse2891]

Most intelligent people recognize when someone has a valuable perspective and experience. There is also a difference between advice and being critical.

[@sweetpeasandyarrowaranchdi8327]

Some people's brains will play "a movie" in their minds with all the different scenarios and they can choose the best path. Some people can not do this. They get an idea and they are impulsive and act on it, with no thought to consequences. It doesn't matter how much advice you give. They mentally can not think things through.

[@dogstick12]

If the idea is not harmful to others Let people take action Humans learn best from actions not language

[@acanfield87]

Asking good open-ended questions to peel back the issues and drive toward the solution is a good approach. One of the most challenging situations I've found, though, is advising my wife on her professional challenges. I want to solve the problem for her but we know that doesn't work. I've found that applying that approach to work--helping others find their solutions--has been a useful strategy.

[@srisungazesplash1340]

How do you help others constantly ?

[@Bjorn_R]

I have a degree in sports science. A buddy of mine asked me for advice, then completely disregarded what I told him. I have just decided not to comment on what he is doing unless he is asking. I kinda feel like an ass because he is ignorant on a ton of training/diet stuff, that could easily be fixed with some good advice, but if he doesnt listen there is no point.

[@Rufio1975]

You have no idea how many times I have been through that over the years. People ask, ignore the advice or just say that's too hard.

[@brianmatthews4323]

Folks ought to be free to reject your advice and make up their own mind. If they're not free to do so, they will be afraid to ask. People don't always reject your advice just because they don't appreciate it. It sometimes just means that they are responsible adults who considered your opinion and made an adult decision to go another route, for some reason. If they made a good decision, then great; if not, it's a learning opportunity for them.

[@codykoplin5337]

Pearls before swine

[@brianmatthews4323]

@@codykoplin5337 That is NOT what that Bible verse meant. Jesus wasn't teaching that someone is swine just because they reject your advice. YOU, mi amigo, are NOT the Lord. Wise people don't always follow all advice given, even if they sought it, nor does it mean they didn't appreciate you being willing to give it to them. Mature people understand what I'm talking about. The person seeking the advice is the one responsible for the decision they have to make. Advice is just that, advice. It's not a commandment straight from the mouth of the Lord.

[@ks-mh2gi]

Best comment I've heard on this topic: Are you looking for a solution? Or a shoulder to cry on?

[@Sigmaified]

You either give in , give up or give it all you got .

[@2ndborn186]

Very true. I am a high school teacher and if there was ever a lost generation of young men, it is now. I gave advise to them to help them be better versions of themselves, how to deal with relationship problems, set goals, etc.. and THEY NEVER LISTEN. I was never doing it for my ego; as a teacher I genuinely want to help them. However, I have stopped and have given up.

[@billsurrette6092]

That whole idea about asking something like “have you ever seen it done this way? What are your thoughts on that?”…. I remember trying this once, I was just trying different ways to get through to a difficult person, and honestly I didn’t want to give unsolicited advice. But this person responded with some justification for why they didn’t do it that other way. This could be the best approach with difficult people, but prepare yourself, difficult people will usually continue to be difficult, you won’t win over most of them even with the best approach.

[@nottomclancy2439]

Exactly my thoughts and also had similar experiences. You can't save them from themselves. Try being a good person, if you see that they're hopeless, just save yourself some time and a headache and move on.

[@leifbabin1512]

Approach every conversation with the assumption that the person you disagree with or the person you aren’t aligned with might know something that you don’t.

[@matthewgallant3622]

There’s an inkling of this in the 12 step program also. The idea is to take responsibility for your addiction or problems. MY anger led me to get drunk. MY selfishness led me to cheat on my wife. Or whatever it is. It’s a beginning to see your own faults, and it’s the beginning of growth. It literally saves lives.

[@jrpipik]

My experience is that I often talk to people about what I'm going through as friends do, and they interpret it as asking for advice. Then they get frustrated that I don't take their actually unsolicited advice. I don't need them to solve my problems, I just need them to listen.

[@miketype1each]

Allowing people to talk helps them listen to themselves. When they hear themselves, then they receive understanding.

[@AnonYmous-mc5zx]

Have you tried telling your friends you're just looking to vent?

[@SchecterMongoose]

100% correct. You can tell within seconds if someone is listening or waiting to talk; if it's the latter, quit trying. These people will drag you down.

[@mindrub]

Its not a waste to give advice. Its seed planting. We just usually arent the ones who water it.

[@jazzman_10]

"If people do not want to listen, stop talking to them" - Jordan Peterson.

[@PaulaDTozer]

Great point…relationship is the key component. When someone trusts you and you have clearly and consistently demonstrated that you have something to contribute in this scenario, and more importantly, that you also follow the advice you are giving to that other person, they will be much more inclined to take it. If you’ve become a leader that others would be honoured to follow, you will find this happening more and more. It’s easy to say that ego gets in the way of clear communication and blame the other person when, in reality, it’s yours that’s too attached to feeling the results of your advice being used. Give your best, always, because this is your excellence…and release the rest. Ain’t your concern. As a coach,that’s what I’ve learned. And yeas, Jocko, make them work for it! 😊

[@morshe47]

”Before you heal someone, ask him if he's willing to give up the things that make him sick.” Hippocrates

[@Jaden48108]

Want to live a lonely life with no friends? Give unsolicited advice. Even if someone asks for advice try to give more than one solution. What you're doing is adding perspective-- to understand things with better clarity.

[@dogstick12]

Let people make their own decisions Show them through actions how to act People like acting not speeches

[@jacollins2010]

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. However, if it's nudging you and telling you it's thirsty, that's a whole different argument. Giving advice unsolicited usually goes nowhere. I've learned not to bother wasting my time on it. On the other hand, if the person's reaching out to me for assistance or an opinion, I'm happy to give it if I am free to do so. Whether or not they actually execute on it is no skin off my back, and I don't take offense if they don't follow it (assuming my life's not at risk from their decision). There's often many paths to a solution, and my path is just one of them.

[@JohnTubiolo]

I think the challenge is when you give people advice they need to know 3 things. They need to understand what you are telling them, why they should do it, how it’s going to benefit them.

[@zarmindrow5831]

I think I will stop. Thanks for the advice.

[@Junitaco]

I believe that if one wishes to help someone who says they seek advice is to ask questions. People act on emotions and use logic to justify their actions. By asking questions one helps the person appeal to reason to think about situations they would normally address with pure emotion. Ultimately people will make their own decisions. One can only hope to arm them with the weapons of reason to help them make a better decision they would have otherwise made.

[@leifbabin1512]

Well said.

[@donfrance3]

funny - as a lawyer you get asked for advice all the time. If you help a buddy and the advice is free = 99 percent of the time they will do whatever is easier and not actually go with your advice bc they came up with their own. However, if they came into the office and sat down and we went thru what advice they should follow and they pay $450 an hour to listen -- then they usually follow up as recommended except for an occasional stray. So the value as perceived when no output or cost is involved makes a difference. personally - those old buddies I have not talked to in 10 years and suddenly ask what's the law buddy .... I tell them once and watch what happens. Usually I never talk to then again typically because it is a user (basically wasting my time for their own personal gains) and simply not a reciprocal honest person. Interesting study and subject.

[@CJBradley]

If someone asks for advice then interupts when your talking that's the moment you know they don't want to hear what you have to say and should end the conversation without explanation. The most powerfull tool I had in my box when I was an apprentice engineer was to listen and learn.

[@harryv6752]

Yep.

[@colonelradec5956]

How i give advice is by example. I do something. If somebody notices i explain why or how i do it. Then theres nobody telling anybody what to do. Just me saying what i do and why. Thats how i always approached my son too.

[@5MinuteChristian]

I have to say one more thing. We all like to “do it ourselves”. The kids done want to listen; elderly parents don’t want to listen and WE don’t want to listen. We want to control our own destiny. The best thing is to listen carefully and live the kind of life that may cause others to seek your advice.

[@proudhavenot]

Just had a conversation with someone about how she "delivers" her advice or her response. The same thing occurs on social media in terms of how people respond, they simply don't know "how to" respond. Thanks for bringin this up. Awesome.

[@richardmonson8657]

Interesting topic. Asking for advice is really just like doing research before making a decision. Using several trusted and knowledgeable advisors is a good practice…but in the end you have to make the decision, because only you really know all the issues involved with your decision. The person providing the advice generally doesn’t know them all. A good practice is to explain to the advisors that you highly regard their view, but in the end you decision has to balance multiple issues. When asked for advice, understand that the person is doing so because they believe you are trusted and knowledgeable. Also know the person may not take your advice, but that it doesn’t mean they think it was bad advice, just that there are probably some issues they are trying to confront as well.

[@xxcelr8rs]

I love getting and giving advice. If it comes from a good place, you can tell.

[@beerkul3es]

I struggle with this…especially when the solution to someone’s issues are obvious… it seems that a lot of people exclude themselves and their actions from the equation of their lives.

[@themarlboromandalorian]

Only advice I have for people is "the only power you actually have is to determine how you are going to(or not) participate, and you're gonna have to learn to accept the consequences of your level of participation". It's about the only real advice people need. Because it's so blatantly obvious and yet people hate straight talk or simple concepts. So they don't think about it.

[@michaelperkins739]

Only strong people listen and learn.

[@miketype1each]

Also, the humble do. Humbleness is strength, I'd imagine.

[@michaelperkins739]

@@miketype1each Being humble is a quality of strong people.

[@Emily-xy8iv]

My 32yr old niece told me recently I begin many responses with, "what I would do is" or "you should". She always felt judged or condemned. I was crushed. I am training myself to just listen. I will also use the advice you gave about using questions instead of statements.

[@seanworthington4361]

We called it “The Art of Inclusion” when attempting to persuade a person or organization at a company I worked for many years back.

[@JonesFamilyRanch]

It took me a long time to understand that I cause 99% of my own frustration. I either didn’t prepare, didn’t understand, didn’t think, or didn’t do….plain and simple. Life is so much better now.

[@danielowen5889]

I tried helping a business acquaintance, but they were too smart for me.. so i stopped, 1 year later they were out of business... a few months later, they actually said, dang i wished i would have taken your help.. we are better friends now

[@johnmanderson2060]

Help only people of good will and who are receptive with gratitude. Let all the others follow the path of natural selection.

[@justinfarmer4089]

There is another side to this. When I am working on a project, I will often ask for others' opinions and sometimes advice. But in the end, it is my project and my decisions to make. Not following someone's advice doesn't mean you don't respect them. Also, I am asking for advice. it doesn't mean you are giving up ownership if your project. Now, the inability to accept criticism or give it in a constructive manner is just stupid.

[@leifbabin1512]

Go with someone else’s ideas whenever you can

[@DiscoBiscuit21]

I started using the "pose the question" method when dealing with disagreeable people at work but I have also found it to be effective when training someone who actually wants to learn because it makes them visualize the job at hand.

[@PhilWP]

This reminds me of a conversation I overheard as a kid, between my newly wed mother and her mother. My mother was complaining to my Grandmother about how my father throws his work clothes all over their room instead of placing them in one spot. My Grandmother turned to my mom and said: "Well, it obviously doesn't bother him. If it bothers you, then that's your problem. You pick them up and place them in one spot if that is what brings you peace." That stuck with me my whole life; I'm 48 now.

[@peteman8160]

Their advice about not giving advice was good advice.

[@debygiannioti4271]

Sometimes people say they want advice but they actually want someone to listen to their problems...

[@nathananderson8720]

This is one of the channels that gave me the courage to start my KZbin channel 9 months ago about self development. Now I have 1,746 subs and > 1k hours of watch time. I know it’s not comparable with others but I’m still proud I started because I’ve been learning so many lessons that I could haven’t learned without getting started in the 1st place.

[@whatup8107]

Abraham Lincoln said "Never give advise, the wise don't need it and the fools won't heed it". Make them do the work.

[@aquafish129]

Right now, my entire job is to give advice in business and technology. I walked into this role using the very techniques they mention. The problem I have are the people I work with have such huge and unjustified egos and I'm an outsider. I decided that I needed to prove myself to them before they'd start to take my advice. For some teams I dangle "advice" in front of them and make them ask for it. Even when they ask for advice, it doesn't mean they really want it or will accept it. I tell them to "do you then, I'm just here to help". That really put them in their places. Over time most of the leaders have grown to trust me, but if I were to offer anyone advice on giving advice I'd say- make sure people understand you and your role. People I work with were not used to working with a person like me and that was out biggest obstacle. What I'd like advice on, is how to manage my own ego and expectations in business.

[@JohnJohn-xb1sn]

I learned a long time ago that I was dumb. the good thing is I know I'm dumb so that makes me question everything and dig For answers .the worst kind of people are the ones that think they're smart and don't realize how dumb they are. Unfortunately a lot of them have degrees so the people that are naive and ignorant tend to trust them without any questions

[@leifbabin1512]

Ego can be a power lever to influence people to do what they should for the good of the team and the mission

[@JohnJohn-xb1sn]

Especially when that mission is making the weapons manufacturers lots of money

[@waiifii22]

It's also very important to recognise the difference between taking self ownership, and having someone else tell you everything that is wrong with the situation/relationship is only your fault.

[@pereklada4ua]

Life changing information! Proved. Thank you guys! This is awesome.

[@leifbabin1512]

Right on. Thanks for the feedback. Stay on THE PATH.

[@michellejohnson-covello7677]

The habit of giving advice rather than listening is by far one of the most challenging to stop. I also noticed that I wasn't taking my own advice several years ago, so I started doing what I would advice others to do. Pretty good stuff and of course my advice has been pulled from many influencers and I kept what works and what hasn't I still keep on the back burner as it is all invaluable information just as all the quotes that I have read threw out the years.

[@mremington8]

no dude, the reeal problem isnt ego, its that the person who keeps asking is not listening, they dont want advice, they just want you to confirm their bias

[@miketype1each]

I've experienced this. My ex-stepmother would ask this or that. If I knew the answer, I'd tell her. Her usual response: "Well, I don't know." But, of course she did, because I told her.

[@russellhanson9001]

They want to confirm their bias because they think they know best, because of their ego.

[@rayhinto]

I have a very big ego but thx to what I learned in the word of God I am very thankful for critical words. I prefer based critic much more then praise to expand my growth

[@B1gC4st]

Interesting. Had a colleague lie to me several times, I threw the walls up. I've acted very professional and for the most part just stopped sharing personal stuff. I would also say they're a friend. But I know for a fact because of the erosion of trust we have not made progress in certain things where we're a team. The part at the beginning where the advice giver gets blamed, reminds me that I advise my company on certain things and often times they make the opposite choice...which just ends up being an operation clusterfuck and I'm left having to clean. I can completely understand why someone would withdraw and put the walls up, that's just normal behavior and the other person needs to be a good teammate. Often we have a lot of shitty teammates.

[@LaneTheBrane]

Agreed, mind your business and let people be themselves

[@nickgeorgiou7770]

My sister asks me what would I do if this happened or situation is happening. I would give her advice and the advice would just never be taken. I have just stopped and told her that she doesn’t need any advice because she knows everything.

[@wrxstock2820]

😆

[@XZIBIT256]

Typical Greek woman

[@leifbabin1512]

Ask her what she thinks she should do.

[@CraigFactsareFacts]

She's my sister too...

[@elizabethcattunar9550]

Advice is opinion without curiosity. Ask them continually until they get the AHA moment. Then you are both are creating a solution that has NEVER existed before. It's a beautiful thing.

[@tonyvalente]

Let people fail

[@BlackHat75]

I watch my foreman do it weekly.

[@Wyoming_Wild]

Mentoring and blindly offering advice are two different things. With mentoring the recipient is generally ready to receive your message in a comfortable environment. Unfortunately, Everyone wants to blindly give advice on the spot when the recipient is either too distracted or doesn’t have time to take it in.

[@iFlowWithTheGo]

There's always these beautiful gold nuggets of extremely helpful advice listening to your conversations. This, really, I mean, really helped me today.

[@brycejohansen7114]

I've learnt when you give advice, label it as a suggestion and detach yourself from it. Whether the person takes on a suggestion is (at the end of the day) their own choice.

[@linjubar]

That’s absurd. It means no matter what someone else does to hurt you, upset you, etc, it’s your own fault. How is this common sense? If you follow their advice then everything is your own fault, and no one else is responsible for their actions. Absolutely insane!

[@abcdef8915]

I think it's a starting point. But if it doesn't work then move on to other approaches.

[@DevilFrog61]

Extreme ownership is a nuanced concept, like MOST things in life- you have to hold seemingly opposing viewpoints simultaneously and this requires a high level of self awareness many people don’t have. HOW TO USE THIS: view it as a tool, meant to achieve a specific outcome in a specific context, not as a core philosophy to have 24/7. Obviously people are responsible for their actions, obviously people can be terrible teammates, obviously this is just the truth. BUT that’s not the point of this mindset. Extreme ownership is a TOOL to use in a situation where failure isn’t an option. When your team sucks and yet you’re stuck with them and need to make it work anyway. This is where you take some “nuance” out of your toolbox and say to yourself, “well, complaining about the fact that my team members suck isn’t going to change anything, in fact, me reminding them that they suck is often going to make them WORSE and less cooperative. So what I have to do right now, is BE the change that I want to see. Rather than trying to force my ideas onto stubborn people, I will take a more indirect approach, by being an example, or by rephrasing my language so that it doesn’t trigger their ego. Flipping the narrative in to the mind to say “it’s all on me” is a good way to make all these subtle fixes. It’s a strategy, you’re playing a role, you’re taking the approach that has the highest likelihood of causing positive change in that specific scenario. This is the whole point, just gotta understand when it’s beneficial to flip your mindset. It should be a conscious, tactical decision you make. Obviously you wouldn’t tell someone in an abusive relationship that it’s their fault and they didn’t take enough ownership of their abusive partner lol after a certain point if you’ve used all your tools, and there’s no solution. Then it’s an impossible situation, and you should leave. But many times in life, especially at work, it’s not impossible it just takes a different approach. And if that specific difficult relationship is worth it to you, and you’re willing to put in some extra effort, then you could choose “extreme ownership” to good effect, despite it being a bit more tedious and challenging (because it’s nuanced and goes against your default logic and instincts)

[@wayne13man]

​@@DevilFrog61 thanks for the clarity, I was struggling with the same thought. I just left an abusive relationship, and was struggling to understand how I could have made it work by thinking it was my fault that I was being treated that way.

[@JamesAndersonPKWC]

James Yeager famously said, “If I want your opinion, I will pay you for it.” I no longer give advice unless people pay me for consultation. Or they beg for it. Yeah I practice charity. Beg. Or pay me. Or fuck off.

[@RealMTBAddict]

I quit giving people health advice unless they really show an interest in learning and changing their lives. Sometimes people have to learn things the hard way, don't interrupt the process.

[@desertshooter007]

Based

[@henryhoover3953]

4real

[@fractalmandelbrot8021]

Humility is the greatest way to reason in a time of vain glory

[@fractalmandelbrot8021]

I’ve give advice thousands of time, most don’t want to give you credit. Sometimes it’s best to not give advice at all…become a valuable asset staying quite, and letting people learn from your examples. Your precious time is drained through negative energy, some thrive on you falling back.

[@Grwthwarrior]

Flipping the advice-script so that the other person feels like it was their idea is always better.

[@thomaszahreddin200]

Who gets the incentiv? ;-)

[@leifbabin1512]

Spot on

[@dbbogo6069]

Coaching - art to address questions - solution to respect others inteligence. Comparing to mentoring...

[@Ginny-tl1qs]

Take your own advice

[@dbourg01]

Oh the irony of this video...

[@erven4301]

I try to plant ideas in my friends minds, I always talk about positivity, health, finances. When making decisions they might remember one of our conversations

[@flyingosom202]

I like the idea of this whole ownership thing, but realistically i just dont get how it can always work without people just walking over you all the time. If you just spend your life saying oh its all my fault, sure the other people will be happy & youll prob avoid conflict.... but youll be fucked

[@KevinJ42]

It might seem that way; it isn't. If you have a person at work that is under you, and they're not doing their best, and you take accountability for that, it now becomes easier for you to be more assertive and let them know your expectations of them, because you're letting them know you're going to be checking in and seeing to it that your expectations are met, and not letting them use you as a doormat. You to yourself: "This person's low performance is my responsibility and I have to help them see how they can do better, then make sure they hit their mark." You to them: "Hey, how you doing? Look, I just got told that there's some stuff that's not quite getting done well enough. I might not have been clear enough as to what my expectations are, so I'm going to go over it again so we can meet those goals. If you have a question, feel free to stop me while I talk so I can help you out... ...So, now that we've got that out of the way, I'll check in and see how you're doing later, and see what we can still work on. Feel free to ask for help if you need it, too. I expect everyone to do their best, and that means you, too. Thanks for all your hard work." With that interaction, you made your intentions and expectations clear in a respectful manner, and let them know what they need to do to be better. And you're a team now. You let them know that you're here to help them meet those goals you set, not just criticize them if they fall short. They can help you look good if you help them be their best. That's real leadership.

[@michaelrudolph7003]

@@KevinJ42And what if they just don't give a fuck. That's your fault too. How many different people do you have time in your day to attempt to utterly take control of even if you wanted to and that makes sense? It can't be your responsibility to mold every person into what you want them to be. On top of that, how do you make sure what you're asking of them even is a thing that matters? I've just now heard this idea, so I'm still trying to wrap my head around the implications but my first guess is that it's just a way for control freaks and "leadership bros" to feel better about themselves and create something actionable, which seems like a very soldier thing to do. They can't live in a world where there isn't something they can do. They can't sit idly by as people do things wrong. Instead of staying still and doing nothing in situation that requires it, they feel uncomfortable and have to invent something they can be doing to change the existing situation. And if you can't change other people, you falsely assume the blame you don't deserve and know you don't deserve (because again group blame is what the military teaches you) and by doing so it makes you think a situation where the control was not in your hands suddenly shifts to you. "What can I do better or differently to make a decision, that doesn't belong to me, end up the way I think it should". And if it fails you just go back, "How did I fail to influence the person in control of the decision to do it right". I just imagine them watching a basketball game and thinking like this on every shot attempt. I think there is a certain perspective of this that could be used for good, but the taking responsibility for the failures of literally everyone around you seems absurd in every way.

[@KevinJ42]

@michaelrudolph7003 If someone gets a job and then refuses to do the job they got hired specifically to do because they don't care at all, they get fired. But you have to give them those chances before you do that, because it's possible that they might actually change their course. Will they? Who knows? If they care, they'll prove it to you by doing their best. But when the time comes to let them go for the good of the team, now you actually have good reason to do so. "We went over this stuff several times and you've made zero effort to improve in those areas. It doesn't seem like you want to be a part of this team; I have no other choice but to accomodate your wishes. Pack up your desk and leave." You lead the team and individuals, but if the individual doesn't want to be a part of the team, you lead them to the door and show them the way out so you can effectively lead the people who actually DO want to be there.

[@deedeldeedle]

If someone reaches out, Always share your thoughts. Not your ego. You never know when you might be the voice of reason in someone’s life. Just might save someone’s life.

[@-es2bf]

Telling someone to stop giving advice is also advice.

[@haterproofcomedy978]

Best principle is to be to others what you will love someone to be to you..

[@Myamirah]

We are not supposed to offer advice unless we are asked for it. Offering unsolicited advice that is really a control tactic. That is something I really struggle with. I’m always so sure I have all the right solutions even though my own life is a hot mess lol

[@Dr.Reason]

Experience has taught me that people can only hear what they have prepared themselves to hear.

[@andrewbecker3700]

Excellent topic, that I believe we ALL can relate with. If your giving advice openly to someone, you can't make it about you! Period! Lead by example, and keep your opinions to yourself. The weight room is a cesspool of know it alls, that know nothing! Let people come to you for advice, but don't try'n make it a compitition. When I was in the joint for OWI, it taught me alot about how a real friend acts. And how people that just want something from you act. When you start recognizing these different types of people, it allows you some peice of mind. You can't please everyone, so I don't try to anymore.

[@thomasd9827]

I always start top level and allow the person the benefit of being able to problem solve. So top tier to the system not working: I see X as a problem. Afterwards, we break down levels of understanding. The person you’re helping now sees X is in fact a problem, but doesn’t understand why - next tier response is: I’m seeing these indicators which contribute to X being a problem. When they get to the point where they’re starting to see the whole problem, but are still struggling with the solution - this is when you go ahead and detail your approach to solving X.

[@smokingcrab2290]

I only give advice based on what I know and what I've experienced. Everything else is just a speculative brainstorm with the other person. But no matter what, I always try to point others in the right direction, or at least hook them up with someone who can.

[@paulisaaksohn9179]

I only give ppl advice when explicitly requested and only to those I know are going to really appreciate it. Decent, reliable ppl are gonna be grateful. When a schmock asks for my advice they are usually trying to test my expertise and report (snitch to the management) and I politely decline to be their fall guy.

[@petegregory517]

I haven’t given advice to anyone (other than my wife) since 1982. How can I recall? The only day in my/his life he was a problem for about 4 hours. Little tense so I lightened and said ok, you’re all grown up, it’s all yours. Great move on my part, he did great, still is as a grandfather of 3, soon 4. Sincerely, never said anything about, or to him, advice wise since. He took the responsibility very seriously. We’ve told people “he was 12, going on 20.”

[@garrykennedy5484]

Muscle having logic???? WOW I'm blown away!!!!! This dude has an amazing mind!!!!!!!!

[@angistowe6391]

Advice is seldom taken and often resented! CS

[@kgm5330]

“If Dave does something I don’t like, it’s my fault.” Subscribed.

[@jiggybanes3296]

most people are actually NOT looking for advice.. they are looking for you to empathize with their struggle. The problem with most advice is that it requires the recipient to change their behavior. Thats NOT the problem of the advice giver. Most advice is not followed because of _this _ reason.

[@alexfranciscocello]

The lips of wisdom are closed except to the ears of understanding