Going 'NO CONTACT' With Abusive Family Members

Join my online educational and peer-support community for FSA adult survivors on Substack. Learn more by visiting familyscapegoathealing.substa...
Psychotherapist and Family Systems expert Rebecca C. Mandeville (author of 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role') explores issues related to limiting or going no contact with abusive family members through a trauma-informed lens. She also shares the results of a 'No Contact' poll that this channel's subscribers participated in, as well as one of the biggest myths about adult survivors who end ties with abusive family members or their scapegoating family system, whether temporarily or permanently.
✅ You can purchase my best-selling book on family scapegoating abuse (FSA), 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', on Amazon: amzn.to/3sEaqcx. Or buy from your favorite online book retailer via this secure Universal Buy Link (UBL): books2read.com/intro2fsa.
🔥Trigger Warning: If you feel activated watching this video, turn it off and perhaps return to it at another time or consult a licensed Mental Health professional. Viewer comments may contain descriptions of child abuse and neglect and can also be activating.
💡Rebecca C. Mandeville is a thought leader and recognized expert in scapegoating and dysfunctional family systems. She is also the author of 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role' and a clinical expert in KZbin's Health Partner Program specializing in Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) and Family Scapegoating Trauma (FST).
💡Learn more about SAMHSA's Six Principles of Trauma-Informed Care: opentextbc.ca/peersupport/cha...
00:00 - Intro
01:07 - Subscriber Poll Results: Going no contact with family
02:00 - Why research on survivors' 'lived experience' matters
04:02 - When you know you're DONE
05:52 - Ending contact, rumination, and healing from FSA
06:45 - The Big Myth around ending contact
07:47 - Nervous system repair and creating a safe container
09:07 - Toxic shame and ending contact
10:19 - SAMHSA's Six Principles of Trauma-Informed Care
16:16 - Setting the intention to heal from trauma
19:00 - Educating therapists about FSA and trauma-informed care
💡Learn more about my work on FSA, my book, and my FSA recovery coaching services, visit scapegoatrecovery.com.
💡DISCLAIMER ONE: This channel's focus is on understanding and recovering from what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA). It is NOT a substitute for clinical assessment or treatment. It is suitable for both Adult Survivors and Clinicians. I am unable to advise you on your specific family situation. READ FULL DISCLAIMER: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/you...
🥰 FSA KZbin Community Page: / @beyondfamilyscapegoat...
💡DISCLAIMER TWO: Some of these links go to website and some are affiliate links where I'll earn a small commission if you make a purchase at no additional cost to you.
✅ For media inquiries contact me at [e-mail]
✅ Let's connect:
Website - www.scapegoatrecovery.com
Facebook: / fsarecovery
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💡 DISCLAIMER THREE: The education provided in these videos is GENERAL in nature and INFORMATIONAL only and should not be substituted for clinical care. You are advised to consult a Mental Health professional or Health Care provider regarding your specific situation. I am unable to answer questions regarding your specific situation, nor will I engage in diagnostics regarding people who are not my clients.
🔥 COPYRIGHT NOTICE: My videos focus exclusively on understanding and recovering from what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) during the course of my academic and clinical research. THESE VIDEOS ARE COPYRIGHTED AND CANNOT BE SAMPLED AND USED FOR OTHER PURPOSES.
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🔴 INTERNATIONAL SUICIDE HOTLINE: www.suicide.org/international-...
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Copyright 2023 | Rebecca C. Mandeville | All Rights Reserved

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads. 2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.

[@jtg1465]

What about inheritance issues if you have broken contact with family? Or should some contact be maintained if we plan to challenge not being given our share of a parental inheritance?

[@narrymoussavi7110]

Ooooo.​@@jtg1465

[@jacquelinefroehle5868]

My abusive family wrote me out of my parents will...to challenge them would be dealing with many abusive people. I decided I don't need money bad enough to fight with them,....I let it go. I trusted God with my life...and now I have enough money. Money is a big issue with Toxic Families....just like they gave us No Love and No Empathy and Abuse....they will do the same with Money also.

[@wackywally69420]

going no contact means accepting that not only do you not have a family anymore, you never had one to begin with.

[@PatriotJewell]

Facts!

[@louiepooh1510]

Silver lining is we're not losing anything but burden.

[@glendaruiz2477]

TRUTH! 💯✔🎯

[@Lyrielonwind]

You can't heal from family scapegoating being surrounded by your abusers like no one can heal from Stockholm syndrome while being with their kidnappers.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Well said. Nothing to add here!

[@michellehumphreys]

This is why I couldn't even start to get better until just recently at 59. I just went no contact at 55. Painful but necessary. Painful process finally getting out of Multigenerational trauma bonded family situation. I was the main scapegoat and target. The situation needed to end for everyone concerned. It has been over 4 yrs of intense grief, hurt, pain, nightmares, flashbacks, bewilderment, anger and sadness about the tragedy of everything that happened that I couldn't understand or do anything about. 💔 In the end I just want and need peace and quiet after almost 6 decades of abuse! After almost 6 decades the best thing I could do, the only thing I could do is walk away from a situation that started out bad, was only getting worse and had no chance of getting better. Now finally working on 5 yrs no contact I am really moving into the radical acceptance and forgiveness phase for everyone because I now fully understand the situation in a way that I could not when I was still trapped in the situation. This whole situation forced me to turn to God because literally no one around me except my kids could understand what I've been through.

[@LeslieHeartsIL]

I've been no contact almost 4 years. I was the SG for decades. Brainwashed into believing that I deserved this abuse. The Malignant "mother" passed on her hatred for me onto her 2 other children and they all mobbed me. Other family members were also corralled into this. The mobbing included violence. This was how I lived my entire childhood, being her punching bag, physically and emotionally. I had no choice but to go N/C. At that point I had done some research and realized this was never going to stop, in fact it was going to get worse. It has taken a lot of studying and research but the spell of believing I deserved that abuse is finally lifting. She trained me to be her punching bag and that of the family. When I left, it felt like my brain had been stolen from me. I don't put up with abuse in any form now. Life is getting better, however, I do feel sad about the decades of my life that were lost to this and the health issues that followed. Thank you for bringing this into the light. I liken it to being a co-star in a horror film.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Given I know something about the situation you were in, I celebrate your courage and your conviction that you deserved better. I hope you are now finding some peace and joy in your life, Leslie.

[@rebeccaoliver5306]

This is almost my story exactly. Thanks for sharing.

[@LeslieHeartsIL]

​@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you. Life is getting so much better. I'm reading your book right now. Everything has improved.

[@LeslieHeartsIL]

​@@rebeccaoliver5306 thank you. I hope you are doing ok. It's a huge shock of betrayal.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Leslie Ann. Huge amount of cruel mothers out there.

[@christopherzorobautista5730]

"I'm Done" day came January 13, 2024. Narcissistic parental units started drama, I stood up, gathered my stuff, hugged and kissed the dog and walked out!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Here's a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors if you need further support at this time: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@lindabell6954]

I’m done. I’m done. I’m done. No contact is a gift that keeps on giving. It’s hard. It’s worth it!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

"Yes" to all of it! Being done, how hard it can be (initially, especially), and it being worth it - because YOU'RE worth it, and worth the peace of mind that limiting or ending contact with abusive family members can be.

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Yes it's hard, and your right, it's sooo worth it. No price for freedom and peace!!

[@SAFFRONSAVANTSTRATAGEM]

Rule of thumb. When you go no contact never go back!!!!.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

It rarely will turn out well, especially if the family system is strongly narcissistic.

[@bonnieforman9700]

Definitely, it will be worse if you go back after a short period of love bombing. I bumped into my sister after 16 years of no contact with the whole family. She spend 20 minutes disemboweling me psychologically. She was so much worse, so much more abusive. I vowed none of them will ever be allowed in my presence again.

[@qwertyuiop-ke7fs]

About 6 months now no contact, and the rumination finally stopped, and forgiveness has started. But I had to go through a lot of pain, and a lot of dark moments. What triggered letting go was examining and admitting what it was I wanted from them, and realizing they could never give that to me. So I had to learn a lot about myself, and I had to learn a lot about why people hurt other people in order to finally start to move on. I also had to grieve the loss. It felt like some of them died in my heart, which is the pain I was avoiding. I hope this youtube comment helps somebody else through such a dark and painful period.

[@Lyrielonwind]

It does.

[@rubberbiscuit99]

Well said. This is also what I have been going through. To even begin down the road of healing from this abuse was hard due to my natural human desire to avoid pain. Then add to that the weight of all my false beliefs, and the subconscious understanding I had of how painful it would be to go under the surface of things. It was a lot to come up against, and that was before the real digging type work even started. I was pushed to do this work because of the frequency of flashbacks when I had more exposure to my family of origin. The option to continue avoiding was scarier to me, and less interesting, than exploring the possibility that I might be able to heal or at least live in peace, despite the pain I knew awaited me on the journey there.

[@WolfWoman23]

Two months after no- contact with whole family I can now tell what it feels like when my heart is not beating in a panicked state- that 24-7 throbbing is now silent and involuntary and experiencing a bit of much needed rest.

[@catherinetangney2621]

Whenever I'd start to weaken and think that maybe I should reach out to the (former) family, a strong inner voice would say "but who do you *really* want to talk to?" I had to admit: *no one.*

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Me too. I refuse to be treated like dog crap!!

[@user-wn8wc2ze4o]

My whole family are narcissist & I kicked them outta my life & they think I had a mental breakdown 😮😮

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

That's usually how it goes.

[@supernova2875]

I had to move 2000 miles away. I don't have safe people. I don't have anyone.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

This is not uncommon for scapegoated adults. Did you check out the link I have in my video description to Out of the Fog’s forum for complex trauma? If you are a daughter scapegoated by a narcissistic mother, I also know of a private facebook group you could join.

[@supernova2875]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you so much. I'll check out the site but I don't have FB (because... family) Things are starting to look up now though. Thank you 💚💚

[@jacquelinefroehle5868]

I have a husband and a dog....I divorced a man that has FakeCharm and is a very FakeCatholic, buying prostitutes and has his secret sex creep lifestyle. He has sucked in our Adult kids, ages 37 and 40....they behave evil minded like he does. He directs them on how to abuse their Mother...Me, and between the 3 of them there's 43 years of abuse. My Mother and older sister are also narcissistic like the X and kids. I am grateful I married a good honest man. However, I'm terrified to make friends with people. A year ago, I No Contacted my adult daughter because she speaks down to me, as if she's my Abusive parent. She and her Dad make up rules for me to obey...such as I am not allowed to ready any books, because they saw me reading books about emotional/psychological abuse. My daughter also married an adult son of an Alcoholic and his Dad died of drugs. They are also bullying me with my daughter. It seems they create Toxic groups and another thing I noticed is they all Lie to each other. It's as if lying for each other is what holds them together. About a year ago my Son who behaves Overtly narcissistic and daughter...she behaves very Covert and sneaky like her Dad....make up a rule "The Mother has to obey the kids and they tell me what to do"....I said "No, you are not kids anymore and Mothers do what a child needs....You need to behave like honest adults"....This infuriates them and they only get worse with abuse to my life. I could write a book of abuse episodes where they decide they OWN MY LIFE. Finally I blocked all of them. Since then, they hover me. Daughter's alcoholic MIL stalked me on FB...and sent what I posted to my husband. They have all tried to destroy my relationship with my husband. They want him to treat me as they do...to abuse my life with them. They want me to have NO FRIENDS, and No one. The saddest part is that our Adult Kids will obey a parent that is narcissistic and abuse their Mother's life....to please their Dad.

[@saoirse108]

went no contact with my entire family when I was 25. Am 65 now. It was hard, but I never regretted.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

And you did so before there was much awareness and support for survivors ending contact. Still isn't much available but at least some progress is being made.

[@reallysomebody]

Same. It sucks but the best choice.

[@goatmanedits4]

My therapist has been gently pushing me to end contact, and I've done it gradually. He says "if a veteran keeps going back to visit the war zone every few weeks, I can't help them fully heal from trauma." Thanks for explaining the science behind it.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're very welcome.

[@divnahrast9300]

❤❤❤

[@nicselectronics81]

Being discarded was the biggest blessing in my life to date. 3 years no contact never going back.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

It can turn out that way, can't it?

[@debbierennox931]

I have been no contact for two months at the age of 52 peace no drama I should cut ties years ago

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

We would all benefit from following the wisdom of our nervous system. And as you found out, it is never too late to start.

[@nichollebraspennickx943]

Me too! I was 52… wished I had done it sooner… it’s been 3.5 years… and I’m finally seeing evidence that I am no longer in fight or flight

[@user-ou4vv2ts2w]

I had to break a multi generational toxic cycle. I actually started apologizing for the abusers. It wasn't until I separated myself and built a happy and successful life on my own that I could see the abusive actions

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, when one is immersed in the dysfunctional system dynamics, it is difficult to truly SEE...

[@phoenixrising33]

My 'I'M DONE!' day came 3 years ago. I went no contact with my entire family as soon as I had had enough. Best decision I ever made.

[@user-vq2wr7fh7l]

When you stand up it gets worse

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, I did a video on this recently here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/nX3Tpa14hcR0qNk

[@arenee118]

I have six siblings. I initially went no contact with the narcissist after setting boundaries that she totally ignored but, when the other siblings started making excuses for the narcissist's behavior ("She had a hard life", "She means well") and turned around and blamed me ("You're too sensitive", "You shouldn't have said (or done)...", "You need to let go", "You took it the wrong way", etc), I went no contact with them as well. I did it quickly and with no regrets. I recently went to my aunt's funeral and only one sibling was there. He tried to get me to talk to him, but I just kept ignoring him. I have no other mutual relatives that will die, so I don't perceive ever being in a situation where I would see any of them again.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I am quite sure MANY people here will relate to your comment - AND to the excuses made for the poor treatment ("She's...."; "You're...."). As validated by my original research on what I ended up naming 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA), what I call the 'scapegoat narrative' often includes references to how 'hard' a parent had (or has) it; there is no interest, acknowledgment, empathy, or compassion for what the child / adult child might have experienced at the hands of the parent. Including psycho-emotional abuse (which is barely recognized by society as the common family occurrence that it is).

[@Soul-On-Fire-4-Truth]

Totally no contact with all family including adult children ( they because flying monkeys/ puppets to the puppet master. Also no contact with any person that knows anyone I've gone no contact with.. I have to learn how to be a person... Feels so good to remove the weight of these people.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Glad you're here. Linking you to a list of FSA adult survivor resources in case you are looking for support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@bennetfox]

Once I came to the realization that I was done with being scared of my toxic abusive narcissistic family, that's when we had it out. I put them all on the spot about it, I didn't care where they were at or what they were doing because they used to pick fights with me in front of anyone at any time, they didn't care. After I got my mother to actually expose her narcissistic traits, then came the threats. They told me I wasn't going to get an inheritance and I told them that I did not want their money. That was about 12 years ago and ever since then I have been a lot happier knowing that I will never hear from them again.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

That must have been such an amazing experience - to feel free at last to speak your truth - on YOUR terms. Glad you were not ensnared by the money (“golden handcuffs”). Money is energy, and there is some energy that is not worth having - you pay too big a price for it, in the end.

[@Justin-fx9xu]

major props! Good for you taking back your power and self.

[@rockstarofredondo]

My narc brother actually tried to steal my inheritance until I got lawyers involved, then he was forced to distribute. He told me he would go “scorched earth” on me if I tried to get my own inheritance and bullied me for years before that he was going to make sure the house that the inheritance was based on would never be sold, even though the trust demanded it. The fellow abuser relatives including my mom always believed his narrative instead of the truth.

[@Agameda1]

Goodness. That 'Im done' moment took me by surprise - it came out of the blue ( after years of venom). It was like a shutter banged shut that i did not pull. Something/ someone took over and it / i said I m not doing this anymore.

[@LorettaLong-pr3wg]

I went no contact (at age 64) with my narcissistic mother a few months ago after enduring many years of her gaslighting, minimizing and criticizing me at every turn. She cast me as the scapegoat in our family when I was just a small child. She managed to sabotage my relationship with both of my daughters. She hides behind her religion but in reality she is a wolf in sheep's clothing.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Glad you're here. Linking you to my list of resources for FSA survivors for more education and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/

[@patrickhackett3878]

I'm 69 y/o, and have spent most of my life feeling worthless, blamed and unheard. While the majority of my scapegoating came from my late (abusive) father, my brothers have perpetuated the role even until today. Finally, I've found information clarifying what is really going on. I am now (clumsily) attempting to take back my self esteem, and unfortunately, minimizing contact with those that continue the attacks. Yes, I feel guilty about it, but feel so much more complete. It's like having a cancerous organ removed: painful, but life saving. God bless.

[@chartydurrant744]

im so sorry i so glad you are hear - its so important for us to realise it was NEVER us it was them! Good luck cherishing yourself you are worthy of love .

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Patrick, great analogy, one I use often ('cancerous organ' needing to be removed). Here's a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors if you need further support at this time: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@olentangyriver1191]

I went no contact three years ago, best decision of my life. It's very hard at first but totally worth it.. I'm finally able to live my authentic life no one controlling or manipulating me.. it's like breaking chains of evil... Life gets better every day.. no fear or self hatred.❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I'm glad to hear you are healing...

[@Hislittlelamb]

When the time is right you’ll know. I buckled under pressure & reconciled with my older (covert narcissist) sister, but resented the fact she continued to refer to an email I sent her as “that evil email”. I knew her “apology” was disingenuous, and it irked me, but it was covered in plausible deniability so I let it go. I had just begun therapy when we reconciled and my therapist pointed out how my entire family was ganging up on me, that I was the family scapegoat. I learned about dysfunctional family abuse patterns & roles, narcissistic & scapegoating abuse, and therapy focused on early childhood helped resurface deeply buried memories of childhood abuse & trauma. Through the cascading memories of abuse I no longer saw my family, mom, siblings & upbringing the same. Every single one of them have maliciously scapegoated me, with some of them including my mother wishing my death, to my face, more than once. I can understand how as a child I would bury those memories, somehow make those hateful words not as bad as it seemed, but now those words define my currently held view of my mother, my childhood, my dysfunctional upbringing and family she’s poisoned to treat me so poorly. Not only didn’t I share in my family’s worldview, the family image they perpetrated of our “saint-like” long suffering mother, but I see their worldview as a lie, phony, like a cult. I call it the “Cult of Mom”. Once I got to that point the next hurdle was giving up the lifelong quest for their acceptance, understanding, and true reconciliation. Understanding how my siblings & I had been programmed, trained since birth in our roles (Golden Child, Scapegoat, etc.) therefore they will always perceive me through that lens, they will always scapegoat me, they will always believe the worst about me, believe lies about me, think I’m lying and causing drama if I dare to speak my point of view. It’s usually only the scapegoat who escapes the family dynamic and honestly, the only way there’s a chance of them escaping is by the scapegoat removing themselves. The opportunity for the No Contact came about 9 months after I started therapy. I set a boundary with my older CN sister in a family (siblings only) group message chain she sent. I asked her not to include me when sending news about the family of the man who molested me as a child. She completely ignored my boundary & my siblings went on with the convo as if nothing happened. It was so blatant, so “in your face” (they don’t believe me even though he’s been caught with other girls). I felt I had no choice but to put an end to her/their ability to violate my boundaries and cut them off. I didn’t say a word. They’re adults. They know, & don’t need it spelled out for them. So I just clicked on the offensive message to show I read it, then I blocked all of their phone #’s, emails, & social media. I did the same with extended family and family friends who were in the “Cult of Mom”. I’ve never felt so free in my life. That dark cloud, the struggle for my family's love & acceptance, getting them to see my innocence, my worth, was over. Like a game of tug of war I just dropped my end of the rope & walked away. I’m not playing that game anymore.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I use that same analogy often with clients - "dropping the rope." No more tug-of-war. Game over.

[@SL-bo7ui]

Rumination usually happens when there isn’t a solution to a problem. When there is a solution to a problem a person figures out the remedy and stops worrying about it. I use this as a test that something is toxic or not right when I start to ruminate. Means I need to stop ruminating and realize it’s beyond my control whatever it is. Let it go.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Good point. Alternatively, one can negate, deny, avoid, or defend against real solutions because they are too threatening or scary, etc - like ending contact with abusive family members. Hence, the "rumination" continues...

[@DosBear]

Entire family slowly but abruptly.

[@TWILLIE639]

I’ve recently been ruminating about how my FOO mobbed me during my father’s last illness and death from cancer. It was the darkest most confusing time of my life 14 years ago. I continued to “take it” another 12 years before going NC. This past week my first husband and my children’s father passed away and I’m helping my adult daughter with arrangements and supporting her in HER loss. When I think of how my family treated me when my father died I realize I can never forgive them. It’s the radical acceptance of same that grounds me in my decision to protect my heart and my mental health from ongoing cruelty.

[@TWILLIE639]

@@fredgarvin6097 really sorry that happened to you. I’ve read that that is grounds for a civil action - intentional infliction of emotional distress.

[@charleneremillard574]

I went through the same thing with my "family" in the last year's of my Mother's life. It has taken so much to put it all together and I carry the blame in a narrative carried by them that is nothing about who I truly am. Just closed the door on the only sibling I felt any hope about. I am moving on from the destruction and creating a life without them. I completely understand what it's like to lose the entire family at the same time you lose your last surviving parent. I am following my Mom's advice and "inviting good things" into my life. May you do the same. ❤

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

It's awful when your realised how shocking far short your FOO falls. xx

[@TWILLIE639]

@@charleneremillard574 I feel your pain and has to be the hardest thing ever to let go of an aging parent in this way. My mother is still living and in spite of all the pain I’ve cherished her - I don’t want to regret anything when she’s gone. But she’s where she wants to be - with her GC - and they together have forced me out. Like Rebecca stated in this video, the scapegoat does not want to go back once there has been a taste of freedom. Peace to you ☮️.

[@MF-my3db]

I've heard the death of a parent often heightens FSA. What an unjust torture at such a time. I some ways if one has an unsatisfying relationship with a parent their passing is all the more difficult to cope with. Because, like so many of us, I also have had love for my parents despite their self absorption and emotional abuse, I chose to hugely cut back contact for the last 15 years and just indulge them when present and engage in conversation about them when not so as to preserve the positive. (Anything else caused conflict.) Much of the scapegoating (though passed down from my mother and ignored by my father) came from my sisters who seemed to project the abuses we all received from my parents onto me. They could then benefit from my parents financially and in many other ways by having a place to rest their anger and strengthen their golden status. When my mom died, a point I had thought would bring some relief, instead the shi! hit the fan in all respects. Maybe no more acting was necessary (surviving Dad is clueless in his self centeredness) and/or it was somehow all the more important to reinforce the false narrative? I'd be interested in others' theories/experiences. I finally became "done" using that precise word when the knowing hit my gut more than my mind.

[@belovedchild9812]

I’ve found Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families groups to be a really safe place for peer support.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, I do often refer clients there, it can be very helpful.

[@sharonhaley3701]

I feel like a born villain.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Sorry to hear it. Linking you to my list of resources in case you need additional support. www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@corinneblair8795]

It is hard sacrificing relationship with my niece and nephews by going no contact with my horrible brother and sis-in-law.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes. You might want to check out my video here on Disenfranchised Grief and FSA adult survivors. I dedicate a chapter on this subject in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, as well.

[@barbarahauer3966]

I feel the same, but as I met my nice one day on the street, she did not even greet me. That day I realized, she was pulled into the ganging up against the family scapegoat. This is getting played out even with me leaving the family.

[@auramdickerson112]

Going no contact, about a year in and the golden sister attempted to contact me. She is mom's new scapegoat now.😅 It took about a year for her to suspect what happened. A lifetime of her false accusations and abuse, now she is the toilet.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, these family roles can indeed shift - a bit like the game 'musical chairs'.

[@auramdickerson112]

Apparently the narc needs a family target no matter what.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

The entire system is typically involved via the pathological Family Projective Identification Process, but sometimes it can indeed be driven by a single (narcissistic) individual in the family - typically a family power-holder, as explained in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed.

[@patriciasalem3606]

I warned one of my siblings that she's what I call "in the on-deck circle." When I go, she's up. She actually acknowledged that fact, but she's so eager to ingratiate herself with the NPD parent and "golden" siblings that she is mostly in denial.

[@josiah5776]

I went no contact at age 55. Entire extended family of 50+people. It took me several decades to get to that point. The main catalyst was my covert narcissist mother. I cut contact with her, and her subsequent slander campaign resulted in the rest of the family cutting me off. Including my own son. Some of the family, including my son, tried to take harmful action against me. I moved a thousand miles away and did not acknowledge any of the few attempts (all hostile or manipulative) by them to contact me. Seven years have passed. My mother died and I didn't discover it until over a year afterwards. All I felt was relief. I don't miss them at all and don't want any of them back in my life. If they could throw me away so easily, then there was nothing there to begin with. Have I experience anger and sadness? Sure, but also incredible peace and healing.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you for sharing a bit of your journey with us. You sound very aware of your feelings related to the pain and injustice of FSA, even as you sound at peace. A peace hard earned, no doubt. 🙏

[@josiah5776]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes, it took years, but I had the help of a few counselors and a psychologist who understood the dynamics. They were hard to find. They taught me how to both cut off what fed the dynamics and repair the damage ... fairly well. Some pain is still there, but the control is not. I've also learned a lot about spotting people who do things like this and avoiding them. That knowledge is priceless.

[@lindavezina6224]

I'm just wondering if you ever had any contact with your son.Im sure that is a hard one to put behind you.❤😢

[@Ynnad608]

Ive not spoken to my family for 25yrs now, they are all so different to me. So I decided to just not call them at all for no reason (at the time) as far as they are aware, and just let them call me… I stopped waiting after a year. 😂😂

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

That happens so often. I remember when I bought a $100.00 phone call gift card for a nuclear family member who had moved out of state who seemed to never call me (it seemed expected I was the one who was 'supposed' to always call) - And my disappointment a year later when they never used it once to call me. They of course had all kinds of lame excuses as to why they didn't, even when the call charges were covered. So I do understand, as will many others here, I'm sure.

[@Ynnad608]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse wow I can’t believe you read my comment. Thank you for your reply. I would love to chat more sometime if that’s not too forward.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I do see clients for single-session consultations - pretty long waiting list as I've been out on medical leave for the past 6 months (just had surgery) but feel free to take a look here to learn more: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/scapegoat-recovery-consultations/

[@despoinaire4017]

I pulled away from my narcissistic family in my twenties. Minimal contact, avoided family events. Live in a different state. Then our narcissistic mom needed care and this last year, while awful was an eye opener. It was when I realized I was the scapegoat. The triangulation had me believe it was my brother because my older sister also a narc would portray him that way to me. Alas in all this deception I learned how I was portrayed to cousins and such. I reached out to one to ask she stay in touch, only to see the hostility she developed from how I was portrayed to her. I realize my distance over the years allow my abusive siblings to turn me into the black sheep. The best thing I can do from here is return to my distant place and stay silent because this type of behavior is impossible to control.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, what I call the 'scapegoat narrative' sticks onto the FSA adult survivor like feathers on tar. It is a very dehumanizing process. Very disheartening, as you sadly discovered.

[@arenee118]

Hugs.❤

[@rockstarofredondo]

Same exact thing went on in my family. There’s just no way to make it good. They are hellbent on hating.

[@thetruth3325]

Great video.. It is so challenging the extent you have to go to in order to heal.. It is also sad that the family would rather have you not heal. I am glad the world is waking up to this.. to how damaging one's family can be to someone they are suppose to love. After all we've endured, we get spoken badly about, get called the names, left likely with no financial resources, when all we wanted was not to be lied to, transparency, fairness and respect. It's like we want to heal sooooo bad.. We don't have energy or desire to go out and meet people, yet this also makes us feel more lonely and isolated.. I don't know many things a human can go through that is harder.. Because it isn't a one month or 1 year event.. We are talking years........ at the end, we have to experience even more hardship by cutting them off and dealing with guilt.. No one is happy to do this but is done as a last resort to preserve what is left of their life

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You capture the dilemma so many FSA adult survivors find themselves in. None of it is easy, which is why I like to stress that ending contact with family is no walk in the park, and does not instantly solve or repair what for some was a lifetime of maltreatment and abuse as the scapegoat target.

[@thetruth3325]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse you're right it doesn't.. its like you do it as a prerequisite to even have the opportunity to heal. I struggle with rumination, left the entire country.. culture shock is hard and trying to adjust with a heavy mind and heavy heart... no walk in the park... a symbol of what one will do to get away from these types of individuals.. been doing my studies virtual, and been trying to be positive while at times you feel the walls closing in.. i pray and have faith knowing god is getting me to where i need to be eventually.

[@Katie-gf1tk]

Thank you for covering this topic Rebecca. Brilliant content as always. I highly agree and resonate with The | Truth’s comments/response to this video. Going no contact is painful. No one goes no contact because a family member pissed them off or didn’t loan them $20, etc. No one walks away from a loving family. For me, it was excruciating , however it truly was the only way/option I had to break free. To ,for once ,have a voice by saying “enough.” If I stayed in I would still be blaming myself, making it about something they said I had done, living a life imprisoned by crimes I did not commit, believing their lies and turning the other cheek/not standing up for myself in order to keep the connection. The fact that my family would rather not acknowledge or try to work through this in family counseling and keep the doors closed than agree to acknowledge their behaviors and my pain and try to move forward says a lot. It was heartbreaking to face, but validating and made it more evident that I was doing the right thing. It reiterated their belief that I am damaged and that I do not matter. Truly, the only way for me to start healing.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Katie - This is such a key thought on your part: "The fact that my family would rather not acknowledge or try to work through this in family counseling and keep the doors closed than agree to acknowledge their behaviors and my pain and try to move forward says a lot."

[@thetruth3325]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse does knowing this piece help us overcome future regret of ending or distancing ourselves? In your experience do you generally see most people happy to have moved on and live regret free ? I feel like for me.. i can be ok without my dad/brother.. its my enabling mom who is an empath but with narcisstic traits thats painful ... because i feel like she would be a diff person if she didnt rely on golden child narc and that person wasnt in picture

[@greintje6941]

IMO, in many cases the 'qualitive' contact has been ended by your familymembers years before you decided to end it. You were just not aware of this fact. They just kept you dangling to save face and avoid responsibility. The easy way out. Your ending contact is just affirming their ending contact years before you. You've been probably the only one fighting to stay in contact for years. They did no real efforts to find a middle ground. Kept pointing fingers and abusing you. It's they who ended contact the moment they started abusing you profoundly. You could''nd accept this right on naturally. But it's not you who ended the relationship but them by their deeds, willfully, long before you decided to cut contact. All you did/do is finally ending the abuse-circle with those people.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Well said. And important. Good video topic as well. I'll add it to my list, thank you.

[@Agameda1]

Yikes.This resonates. My brothers have 'evaporated' over the last few years because of my mother's ( life-time) bad mouthing me, even though I was doing the lions share with them ( parents ) during and after covid, when my father was diagnosed with dementia and Alzheimer's . Like, I'm the one late to the party of 'spot the scapegoat '. I've gone mostly no contact. You realise you could die and it would make not an iota of difference to any of them

[@dianeshoemaker6591]

This description is spot on for my experience and I would love to have a video on this.

[@jamieessex6047]

Your absolutely right. I needed that reminder

[@AnneWoods]

Emotional abuse can cause great harm. Going no contact is like keeping a safe distance from a violent ex.

[@AnneWoods]

I just finished the memoir "Building a Life Worth Living" by Dr. Marsha Linehan, who developed the DBT. Recognizing the harm from being constantly denied her truth, she also stopped contact with her mother. Being invalidated is part and parcel of being scapegoated. I used to get triggered by not being believed or having my experience minimized. I thought I was just being too sensitive or primed and ended up feeling more isolated, shamed, and defective. It's extremely helpful to give these emotional abuse tactics names and link them to the serious psychological injuries they cause.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Precisely why I gave this form of abuse a name: It can be related to narcissistic abuse, and some dynamics are similar, but what I call 'family scapegoating abuse' / FSA can happen in ANY type of dysfunctional family, not just a narcissistic one. In a highly unconscious, defended, traumatized family system, FSA can be driven by the pathological Family Projective Identification Process, for example.

[@AnneWoods]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Since I read your book, I kept thinking 'This is important.' and trying to figure out why it feels so significant. I believe the answer is that you not only gave it a name, you link it to a serious clinical consequence. Kind of like bullying, until people learn that some victims committed suicides, it was tolerated as 'boys will be boys'.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I did feel it important to distinguish FSA from the catch-all 'narcissistic abuse', given that FSA can occur in dysfunctional families that would not clinically qualify as being a narcissistic family system.

[@Garden366]

Best thing I heard several years ago when I went no contact with my entire toxic family and their toxic family system is you cannot heal if you are constantly being poisoned. Absolutely perfect metaphor for what toxic families and their toxic family systems do to the scapegoat or anyone that they turn their sights on. My malignant narcissist mother died several years ago, and one of my sisters who’s always had anger issues (and psychopathic narcissism) stepped into her place. I stood back and watched as everyone immediately begin the bowing and scraping to her just as they did to mother despite her rages, out of control PLANNED anger and manipulation. That’s when I knew it was time to go. And I went.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Coincidentally, I use this same poison analogy in my latest video here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/jqfRladubtecn5Y

[@jspisces83]

Mother was a covert narc and turned my siblings against me. Went no contact with all of them. It’s extremely hard and painful but it’s better then living in fight or fight. I dream of the day they should need my help. I will say yes to whatever they want and then donate it to a homeless person.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Powerful!

[@ImaginarySusan]

FINALLY DID IT! So far it's been officially a month!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

How is it going?

[@danahodgson7478]

I got your book yesterday. I've been no contact for 6 years. I broke contact with my mother, so my father and brother follow my mom. Mt daughter is now dealing with her malignant narcissistic grandmother. She's in therapy and she's seeing through my mother's toxic lies. She sees what my mother has done at 20. It took me 50 years. Getting sober in 2008 set me on the right path, and endless therapy has helped save my life. It's been a very painful. Lonely journey.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Glad you bought my book and glad you're here. You might also want to check out my resource list for additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@LindseyVoorhies]

I just went no contact with my mother after putting it all together. I have a 2 year old and now am feeling guilty keeping her from my child but now I feel if I let her in my daughters life she will turn my own daughter against me.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Lindsey: This video of mine here may give you more peace of mind regarding your decision: kzbin.info/www/bejne/Y3Wle6KkodBjedE

[@singstreetcar5881]

Pls do not bring ur daughter near her. Remember how she treated u, that's how she will likely treat ur daughter

[@user-vx8ch3bg2r]

That happened to me , I lost my daughter to my malignant person that give me life and who was supposed to be loving and nurturing! I don’t wish this to anyone! If I only knew what I know now! Keep your babies close to your chest!

[@Gemmarose9012]

You have done the right thing. My parents have turned my two adult children against me and I had to walk Away from them all. Please protect yourself and your child. Don’t let them hurt you anymore!

[@Mimizlight]

My heart breaks, I’m relieved I went no contact but I’m sad n mad smh

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Understandable. I have a video on grief here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/bpqrl5aNgNiFn9U and a video on anger here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/aH3SaaGNfK6Ni68 - I hope you find them helpful.

[@danielaspitz3052]

I've ended contact with my whole family- 2 narc parents and three narc siblings. Unfortunately, my Golden Child sister, started contact with my then 18 year old children and told them lies and wrong things my mother told her about me (I'm 9 years older than her and was kicked out at 15). My adult children (their father is a Narcissist) have ended contact with me about four years ago. I made mistakes, raising them totally alone while struggling with cptsd and Fibromyalgia, but I also did a good job, they were able to get a high education and lead good lives. It's devastating , but I'm also happy that nobody blames, criticises and paints me crazy and sick, any longer. My whole family and my kids did this all along, starting at a very young age, mistreating me emotionally

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, tragically, one’s children can be indoctrinated into what I call the ‘scapegoat narrative’ very early on by scapegoating family members.

[@lindavezina6224]

I'm 64yrs old.I tried to have a woman therapist over 42yrs old.but I always get a 20yr old child as my therapist. It doesn't work for me because I have been through life and she is just starting out in life

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Completely understandable. And why many people feel they must go outside their insurance system to find a preferred match.

[@arenee118]

Could be worse. I had one therapist who turned everything I talked about into a conversation about her. I lasted about thirty minutes and left, telling her why she would fail as a therapist. Some therapists can't let go of their own abuse enough to be a good therapist.

[@janegreen5301]

Hi Rebecca Your kindness and gentleness is seen so clearly. Thank you for your gracious attitude towards us in this community and how you speak about your relationship with your clients. Going no contact has been for myself a step in the way of peace. I personally didn't announce it to others. I didn't make the decision in anger. It simply became so apparent that it was the kindest thing to do for ALL involved. No one benefits from disdain and contempt. Not those who give it or those who receive it. Dignity, Respect, and Common Courtesy is good. If that's not there it's simply the time to leave. When I said "no more" it was a beautiful blossom of Respect for myself.......and others. It's been 15 months. It's not easy but it is simple. Thanks for the video, Rebecca, I APPRECIATE YOU!!! Jane

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I love this, Jane: "When I said "no more" it was a beautiful blossom of Respect for myself.......and others." I celebrate your choosing YOU - and your peace of mind, and a restful heart. What serves us at the highest level is often serving others at the highest level as well, including as related to going no contact with those who refuse to honor or even recognize our humanity, but treat us instead like objects.

[@slpulsinelli]

It's a double-edged sword, Cuz now I grieve losing, almost my whole family. 😢

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

FSA is indeed full of what we in the Family Systems field call 'double binds'.

[@KarmasAbutch]

13:00 it gets a little more complicated when the only people you feel safe around are no people. My safe people are dead and gone… which also creates complex grief. I only feel safe when alone. Which makes the rest of me sad and lonely. 💁🏻

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Understandable. I discuss disenfranchised grief and scapegoating in another video here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/bpqrl5aNgNiFn9U I also include a chapter on this form of grief in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.

[@e.1766]

Yes, Me Too!!! I have pics of My Protectors, the deceased; & I miss Them so much I'm actually looking for a specific type of picture frame to put everyone's picture in, instead of separate frames, so I can talk to everyone in one frame. Weird right?? But I only feel safe Alone too. I Want Friends, but I'm disabled from abuse Too, so I have a double whammy in trying to just leave my house. I'm working on it though, & hope we both find some Safe friends soon. I don't want to be a burden to New friends either, so I'm trying to get myself together, & Then try to make some friends 👍❤️

[@e.1766]

​@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseThanks for matching Advice Links w/ the comments. Wow, you're Really Reading the comments, & Care. Thank You So Much for helping the Community ❤️👍

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

It is my privilege to assist survivors in the ways that I can.

[@sunnyday6465]

I only feel safe around animals... currently wild squirrels and geese and ducks.

[@mysticsuzi]

Our parents died and I was so relieved it was over! No, it wasn't. It all came back with my sister in law in the place of my mother. The next generation also were treating me as the scapegoat in front of their parents (my sibs) and i realized at the age of 45 THIS IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE and I DESERVE MORE. So I left and never went back and last year I moved 6 hours away. SO happy! My life is mine and I am learning about myself. I most likely won't ever see any of them again and I am ok with that. I cherry pick the good memories and leave the rest. I wrote my will so none of them get anything from me, they don't need it anyway. My sister sends me a bday card so I send her one. That is it. I am so grateful they acted how they did so that I could move away and have a peaceful wonderful life of my own.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Your story makes me think of my video on scapegoating and sibling estrangement - You might watch that one if you haven't yet.

[@StarlightPrincess70]

I went no contact with my narcissistic dad four years ago in order to have the space I needed to heal and for self preservation (basically something inside of me finally snapped and could no longer take the abuse anymore). Since I have gone no contact, I struggle on a daily basis with feeling severe guilt, shame, anxiety, deep grief, feeling totally alone and stuck in the freeze and cry for help trauma response. I don't know what is worse.... being in contact with my family or not having contact. Either way, it is unbearably painful and stressful.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

It is. But the latter state is a condition one can move through, work through, and enter out the other side into a place of love, light, healthy connections, and serenity. Meaningless suffering versus meaning/full suffering. And there IS another side.

[@StarlightPrincess70]

I just found your channel yesterday and I am so grateful, Thank you for your response and your incredible work. You have put words to feelings and experiences that I have never been able to clearly identify or explain. I always second guessed and doubted being the family scapegoat and at times, wondered if I was crazy or that there was just something wrong with me. After watching many of your videos, I now realize and understand the truth about my feelings, experience, and my family system. Thank you so much.@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse

[@engleharddinglefester4285]

Hang in there Starlight. I feel your pain. You are going through a tough time. I drank my way through mine back in the day. Just be careful and take care of yourself.

[@StarlightPrincess70]

Thank you. Appreciated your kind words. It helps to know I am not alone in this. @@engleharddinglefester4285

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Music to my ears. I appreciate your taking the time to let me know. You might also want to read my book on FSA, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. It will add to your overall understanding of this form of abuse I identified.

[@dgvfsa66]

Yes, my mother had a horrible childhood. And her mother before that had a horrible childhood. And on and on and on. After 60 years of torture, I finally went no contact. Of course, I'm supposed to forgive my mother for her failings because she had a rough life. Tough! Mine wasn't a cake walk yet somehow I managed to teach myself how to tell my son "I love you" every single day because I didn't want him to grow up like I did. I also taught myself how to hug because I had only been hugged twice in my life. If my mother had made any attempt to be a better mother than the one she had, I could cut her some slack. But she didnt even read a damn book in 88 years. Sorry, not good enough. My siblings can continue to molleycoddle her forever. I'm out!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

One of the reasons I focus on 'radical acceptance' and not 'forgiveness'. I recently had a respectful argument on Instagram with someone in the complex trauma field who was pushing the idea that forgiveness was a necessary act for healing. I couldn't disagree more.

[@dgvfsa66]

@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse And I couldn't agree more with the fact that you disagreed. There is nothing more infuriating than being told it's my responsibility to forgive. It is simply not possible to forgive someone who doesn't accept accountability. I just woke up from yet another nightmare involving 2 of my hate-filled sisters. It never ends. I'm 65 and still having trauma nightmares. No. There will be no forgiveness in my future.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Denise, I hope you see this. For some reason I can't access comments now on the member post we were engaging on but I could read the first sentence in the notification area. I apologize for the misunderstanding. I meant for kicks discussing a (better DSM) criteria for NPD, which would include malignant narcissism - not FSA. Let me know you got this if you can, thank you.

[@dgvfsa66]

@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse YES, I received this. Maybe the reason you couldn't access the Member page is I deleted that first very loooonnng message that I originally left. I tend to babble too much when a topic interests me. I feel I have been monopolizing the conversations, and others would like an opportunity. So, I will step back at this point. (You should be able to use the Member page now. I messed something up with the subscription, but it's fixed). Also, regarding the FSA Criteria....as usual, I took it to the inth degree, as I do with all things. I MUST be perfect. 57 criteria? Really? 🤪 it's actually a pretty good list. Of course, I did steal most of it from your book, so what would you expect 🙈🙉🙊. Too bad I did it on the wrong topic. Der!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Denise, I love your enthusiasm and passion - Please don't change, I would miss your free-flowing presence. All this gave me an idea: Down the road when I get my FSA and FST (family scapegoat trauma) criteria together, would you like to give me your feedback on it? I would truly value this. Just a thought!

[@Hawaiiansky11]

Whether you realize it or not, Dr. Mandeville, your quiet, soft tone and slow speech rate is calming and helpful. I don't know if it's a trauma response, but I have a low tolerance for people talking loudly and / or nonstop. It feels like being attacked / forced to conform to their beliefs.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Very glad to have you here, and I am glad your nervous system resonates with my style and manner of speech.

[@angelapastorius2377]

I'm one of those people that talk loud and can be non-stop. I don't mean to, and I do not want anyone to conform to anything I am saying. I really want honesty and opinions regardless of what they are. I appreciate the comment, though, as a reminder to shut the hell up sometimes. My son is the same way, and I have pointed out this perspective to him and advised him of the same, lol. We have an unspoken understanding that if one of us is loud (we don't realize it) the other one just uses a hand signal "lower it" and then immediately the volume decreases because we were just advised. Other family members really don't believe that we don't notice when our voice becomes loud. He and I are the only ones that know its true. Let me tell you - socially it is NOT fun - this is a damn albatross for us. Sorry, everyone, we really are trying to be quieter! 😁 (Btw, I have two other children/same father and they do not have this problem.) If social media had been a thing in my day, I would have noticed sooner and worked on it sooner and maybe be a more quiet and less obtrusive human being by now... because no one said anything to me about this. I had to "figure it out" over three decades while they gossiped and mocked. Thank you for sharing. We need to know what it is like to be around us all the time. Sounds exhausting ... not what we want to do to people!

[@keegsmum]

I went no-contact with my sister early on - this was easy because we lived in different cities. She had been a constant source of bullying for me throughout my life- ridiculing those elements of my character and my life that were actually positives, in order to make me feel perpetually inadequate. The no-contact with my Mother came much later (and was sudden) when she pitched a full blown tantrum because I did something that displeased her- at which point she pulled out the "big guns"- telling me point blank that I must have mental health problems for having not done what she expected me to do (I was unable to attend an out of town family wedding due to work commitments...and she kept harping on this "shortcoming of mine" ...for 7 years... insisting that I was lying about my work obligations.) I just could not take this type of bullying any more. I still speak with my 2 other siblings, but I limit what I share with them, as they are in daily contact with my mother. Unfortunately, they are both huge enablers- and their spouses are possibly flying monkeys, so I have to protect myself. The toughest part of our dysfunctional family has always been that (a) my mother was never satisfied with anything or anybody - but she wore the martyr badge big time (b) she was the queen of triangulation (c) she could only be friends with one of her own siblings at a time therefore I barely knew any of my cousins/relatives and (d) she could only be close with one of her own children at a time. If you were not "in" her good books, then you were surely "out". Eventually the "in" person would be discarded and replaced by someone more compliant. Her propensity to triangulate, destroyed what could have been good relationships among her children. I don't think I can forgive her for this, more than anything else.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I see this type of 'splitting' (one child is favored, the rest are chopped liver) and martyr presentation with both covert and overt narcissists. Also, with highly traumatized individuals who may not be narcissists but have no clue they are carrying a great amount of individual and possibly intergenerational trauma and they have a 'disordered' personality as a result (such as Borderline Personality Disorder). Did you already watch my video on the 'Martyr Parent Ploy'? You might relate to it, which is why I ask...

[@keegsmum]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I certainly will check it out and I have ordered your book. My mother definitely had a childhood fraught with abandonment issues- her own mother died quite young and she and her siblings were handed off by her father to a spinster aunt to raise them. He checked out, moved away and started a new family never to be seen again. I get it... she has childhood trauma, but in no way does this excuse her behaviour well into her 80s. She has had a lifetime of opportunities to seek therapy (she has great health benefits that could cover the expense...) so she could stop inflicting her pain on others. She views therapy as something for weak, mentally ill people...certainly, not her! Very sad, but my days of being the target of her grief/trauma/anger have long past.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

​@@keegsmum What's even sadder is that a primary reason a narcissistic or highly traumatized, personality disordered parent will not seek help is they are so 'split' and disorganized intrapyschically that they convince themselves that THEY are the victim and the target of their abuse is the aggressor. Refer to Dr Jennifer Freyd's work on DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender (I mention this in my book as well, glad to hear you are checking it out). Understanding 'the bigger picture' in regard to what drives scapegoating abuse has been VERY helpful to my clients. This does NOT mean we are excusing the perpetrator of the abuse. However, it CAN help to see the bigger picture and that we did nothing to deserve such treatment and there is nothing wrong with us.

[@kennethroesch8751]

Is humiliation a part of scapegoating. Both the humiliation during the relationship and the humiliation of realizing these people are not who you thought they were.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Kenneth, It could be what is actually being experienced is traumatic invalidation or toxic shame. Toxic shame video here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/hXPSZZ6vZaZ3irc Video on traumatic invalidation here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/bnO0ZomoltejZ8k

[@erinl4111]

My family LIVED to humiliate me. I do not miss the gleeful smirks when they knew they got under my skin.

[@helpontheway5000]

@@erinl4111 I have seen that gleeful smirk, it is frightening

[@Yarrg]

​@@helpontheway5000It's demonic and it's the sign of an evil and screwed up twisted brain

[@bonniestewart2829]

I enjoy your posts and loved your book. I think the hardest part to accept is the other family members all seem to be more attached to each other. Those of us that are scapegoats are punished because we question the dysfunctional patterns and seek resolutions. It is really hard to do with family that are not accountable, who blame you for causing them to abuse you, and who live in denial and are emotionally unavailable. The symptoms of attempting to bond with them when lonely from time to time always serve as red flags and cause me to quietly retreat and isolate away from them to feel safe (nightmares, rejection, emotional abandonment, humiliation, false criticism, etc.). It is refreshing to have a format where we can share the hardships of this experience and be validated and supported.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Glad to have you here - Your comment is extraordinarily insightful, and captures well some of the most painful dynamics associated with FSA. I was just thinking this morning that when I am back from my current medical leave (I just posted a health update in our Community tab here) I want to do a video on nightmares. Even when one is far down the road of recovery and healing from this form of abuse, a nightmare can unexpectedly come along and the pain and trauma can be felt viscerally throughout the body and it can be very discombobulating. Perhaps you can relate (!) Thanks again for taking the time to share your thoughts with our community here.

[@walkingrace1233]

You said, "other family members all seem to be more attached to each other." That's because they are all in cahoots with the false narritive. They each have their role to play and are rewarded for it, and are thankful that they are not the FSA. They remind me of high school cliques. And it's ironic that they continue this clique mentality as adults, socially. They are actually "bullies." And I hate using that term because it has been so over used these days (i.e., Woke Movement). What I went through (like you)... as an adult today has made me stronger and more resiliant when I come across difficult people and situations. No doubt, these last 4 years tested that. I would like to think I passed!

[@caryn9561]

They even brainwashed my own daughter against me.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

This can indeed be an aspect of the FSA phenomenon, as verified by my original FSA research. You may want to join Rhonda's private Facebook group - she did a video on this very thing last week - worth watching. Rhonda's group listed here on my survivor resource page: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@karenherrera287]

When my dad was on his deathbed, his dying wish was for all his family members to be kind to each other and get along. After he died, I became aware that my mom is and has been abusive to me and joined in with my dad in scapegoating me. This idea of excommunicating with my existing family is tough right now. Maybe someday...

[@deborahpharaoh4505]

Yes...Im done!! I tried and tried to my own detriment. At least I feel I tried my best. No contact since May 2023. I slowly removed myself. I will never return. I simply decided on no contact because the scapegoating was affecting my physical and mental health. I am a metastatic breast cancer survivor and was not willing to risk the ongoing stress. My father turns 92 this year. It took me up until this year to understand he is a covert narc along with my sister, her husband and 2 adult children. No contact with any of them. Its the only way forward. Blessings to all ❤️🌹

[@chrisrudd720]

How did you figure your dad out?

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I'm relieved to hear you put yourself - and your need to reduce stress - first. I hope you are in good health now.

[@43cassy]

Blessings to you as well. All the best on your health & healing journey!✨

[@sweetrose813]

It is very painful not to receive validation while growing up and not understanding why people just turn their head the other way when you need encouragement. I understand now it's the whole scapegoat thing

[@pam164]

Im done with three of my sblings. No going back for me.

[@thinkingallowed1st]

Its been 8 years since i released myself. It isnt easy as my heart still craves a loving family. Logically i know they are not good for my peace. They allow abuse and belittle my experiences. I refuse to go back in that box

[@rebeccajohnson7864]

Same here. Just know some stranger on the internet with similar experiences is cheering for you.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

This is an aspect of the ‘double bind’ that I refer to in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) and some of my videos here.

[@thinkingallowed1st]

@@rebeccajohnson7864 thank you. Strangers are friends ya haven't yet met

[@ingegaasbeek296]

🎉

[@royalukas8144]

The dysfunction and abuse I suffered from growing up was internalized to such an extent that I believed I deserved it. It negatively affected my entire life and I am now at a tipping point of N/C with many people including family. Feeling that you’re never enough invites people to take advantage in insidious ways. It’s painful even thinking about it, like how did I allow that to happen to me? Sadly, the shaming never stops.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I have a video here on toxic shame; also one on traumatic invalidation, in case you want to look those up using the search feature on my channel's home page. Here's a resource list I created for FSA adult survivors in case you'd like more support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@whitehorse3828]

You Rebecca and the peeps who comment/contribute on these videos are my "GO TO" place where I feel safe and understood. The more I learn about what was going on in my family dynamics, the more I understand how vile, how nasty, how cruel they were towards me and how I was the last one to know. If I only knew then what I know now, I would have left them looong ago!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Good to hear, and I appreciate your support - you are one of my earliest subscribers!

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Yes exactly, I did the same. It's sad but I have so much peace now. No contact works for me.

[@ClarkeIllmatical]

Glad I found you. I've been dealing with rumination since going no-contact. It's gradual. The main people I let go, but then it seems as if other people are too afraid. It's really sad, when I see grown people, act like cowards. Instead of telling narcs to shut up, they cower. It took me a long time to get here. You're the only youtuber who mentioned RUMINATION so I know you're authentic. My issue is that I kind of want revenge. The other night, I realized that part of my growth was no revenge. They want to inflict pain simply to distract me and it has worked occasionally. The only way I can accomplish my goals is by not getting angry.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Actually, I created the term 'righteous rage' and via my personal / professional experience as well as my research I feel it is an important part of processing the pain of being in the 'scapegoat' role in one's family. More information here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/o3zblp-HprCEhJY

[@ClarkeIllmatical]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thanks again. As I work through your book, I will respond to your videos.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I will be announcing this formally next month, but I have started a private (paid/subscription) community for FSA adult survivors and part of this will be a book discussion space for people working through my book. Here's a link with more info'. Contact my asst April Jennings if you want the coupon code to join now: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/join-the-fsa-education-community/

[@ellengallagher5841]

Thank you. I went no contact and I'm almost sane now. Almost 10 and a half years . I'm better off without them I send prayers it's the.only thing I can do. I do not want to see them. Life goes on. All the best in 2025!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Ellen. It is a long journey to well deserved peace, isn't it? Yes to 2025 - and this year as well!

[@pam164]

I feel much happier being no contact with my siblings now, happened in November and it upset me over xmas but now i know its for the best for me.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@RC-fi4ix Because I distinguish between narcissistic versus dysfunctional family scapegoating abuse (different processes at work - I address this in separate playlists accessible on the home page of my channel here), I do feel that this is at times possible within a dysfunctional family system / with family members. In the case of a narcissistic family system / narcissistic family members, the effort is usually not worth it, as the abuse tends to only continue, and one will simply be pathologized for even their most healthy / self-aware / appropriate responses.

[@walkingrace1233]

It is such a blessing, to ourselves, when we can wish our "no contact" family members well, loving them from a distance. It's interesting how mine are becoming very distant acquaintances from my past. There is no feeling one way or another. Growing up as the FSA in the family, it is by God's grace that I never internalized any of it. I was the truth teller and detached from them very early on. For me, their gig was up by the time I hit 5th grade!

[@janetgrandstaff378]

I really texted the words" I'm done" to my sister and she still thinks I'll return to the family because I live by myself. You know I'll never go back!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

In case you need this, here's a list of resources I put together in case you need additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@Janalyn1212]

I finally ended the contact with older siblings, and all outside (which are most cousins older and same age) no more mess(💩)

[@PassionateFlower]

My life got worse after going no contact because I had no resources or street smarts to make it on my own after years of enabling and being smothered and coddled to the point I retained zero applicable life skills outside the help of my abusive family system. Can we please talk about the people who get worse after no contact due to lack of social support and lack of access to resources who end up homeless, poor, and chronically disabled after breaking free from abusers by burning bridges and getting exiled from the narcissist family system for standing up to the oppressors nut basically also biting the hand that feeds? I thought my life would get better after no contact but it's gotten substantially worse and I have no allies because everyone thinks I'm crazy lazy lady. No one believes I am traumatized beyond recognition they think I'm a faker and a liar and I don't know what to say even my therapist thinks I'm just being dramatic and that my family truly loves me and I just need to learn to behave and take their cruelty for kindness. This type of madness can send someone off a cliff I am not kidding. It's too much to take.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

This is exactly why I do not tell even my therapy clients they must go no contact "right now!!!", and why I say "may" need to go no contact here. Many people need months and possibly years of mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, social, and financial preparation (with attendant and appropriate support) to successfully go no contact with their scapegoating family system or particular family members. For example, some people are dependent on family due to severe disabilities or illness, or have very close connections with extended family members they would lose touch with if the severed all ties with their FOO. It is a great idea for me to do a video on this. Would you be willing for me to share your comment? I would keep your user ID anonymous and could change any identifying features.

[@Accidental_Warrior]

Same. I've been no contact for 7 years. I cut contact in 2015. It's hard. I'm curious about resources for such cases. You've probably heard this before a million times but...therapy helps. Joining forums and interacting with others also helps. Good luck friend.

[@denelbarak6734]

It is very hard when you're left on your own. And the danger of other Narcs coming in to replace them to take you down even more. These people in the family want to see you fail.

[@keeko770]

Why does my family keep telling me to forget the past, when they keep bringing up my past.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Because they are dysfunctional? Sounds similar to a 'double bind', which is a trademark of dysfunctional family systems (narcissistic family systems, also).

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Good point made by @keeko They order me to forget the past but their *rigid* narrative of me is formed on the past as seen through their distorted lens. But clear or distorted, either way, it's the past.

[@eggswithlegs666]

Yes! My mom literally hates me but specifically the teenaged version who just wanted to blossom and grow. She wanted to cage and shape me and I refused. I’m 30 now and she still brings up the times I “abused” her aka defending myself when I was a child.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Sound like you experienced being on the receiving end of 'DARVO' (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender - Dr Jennifer Freyd) - per my FSA research, this is a common tactic when scapegoating family members are confronted (or invited to look at) their harmful / abusive behaviors.

[@jeanclod8810]

The rumination gets me every time. Trying to find healthy effective distractions

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I discuss rumination in this article I wrote - here's the link, if you want to take a look: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2023/11/05/radical-acceptance-and-scapegoat-recovery-the-power-of-accepting-what-is/

[@donbueller1162]

I think the hardest ones (of the narcissistic style FSA families) to deal with, most confusing (not necessarily more nor less hellish, but can be more hellish) are the types that HG Tudor, like him or not, refers to as Middle MidRangers. These are BOTH unaware of what they are (Rebecca talks about projection/gaslighting that the family really may be unaware that they are doing/perpetrating) and also they operate a facade. The facade of Middle Midrangers as he sees it is that of being upstanding, good, ethical, helpful - even EMPATHIC :-) - people. They SEE themselves as, if anything, MORE GOOD than the average person. Helpful Martyrs. Lacking empathy and accountability -> how can they know they lack each? Unaware of their facade, they believe their own facade. They REALLY BELIEVE you are bad, weird, odd, insane even. When you're outnumbered by people who believe their own narrative, it's very very very confusing - the best liars believe their own lies. They reinforce the family narrative to each other, support each other in the 'we never did THAT, this is preposterous!' etc. In my case -> it was (and I assume still is) a folie-a-quatre. But studies show (I paraphrase) you can take college students, show them a 12 inch line here and a 6 inch line there and ask them which is the longer line - and many of them will report the shorter line longer if they interact with experiment plants all pointing to the short line being the longer. So no matter how smart you are or sure that your family is a house of mirrors, something wrong, abusive but not in any really obvious way like that they hit you or openly abuse you, it's a total mind game and they don't necessarily know they are doing it. We don't want to believe about ourselves that we can be influenced to believe something that is patently untrue or for which there is little or only twisted evidence, but when you are surrounded by people who subscribe to a reality (in this case, that you are bad, wrong, bad seed, causing the family to be unhappy) ... when you are surrounded by that, it's very hard to hold onto your own reality and allow the mental habit of thinking 'maybe they are right - after all, it's 4 against 1, and they know me better than anyone' to fade away. I'm glad Rebecca is doing this. It's true that in many and perhaps most cases of humans coming into conflict or hurting one or eachother - there is a way to compromise. But with this and any type of abuse -> well in life you always have 3 choices when something is not good - you can change it, accept it, or leave. With this type of thing, you aren't going to change it, it's unacceptable to allow something to corrode your one single precious life - so accepting it is out. You can't 'radically accept' slow cyanide poisoning. So leaving, separating, is the only option. Doing anything other than no contact (or almost no contact in the case of shared kids or other situations where you are simply bound on some level) is like ... quitting booze but having a spoonful of vodka every morning. It's not long before the spoonful is a shot and then half a glass, and even if you CAN manage a spoonful every morning, the obsession with the addictive agent doesn't have a chance to fade away. The trauma bond is like an addiction in that way. No Contact can turn out to be not just the only option, but a surprisingly - once your through it - beautiful option. Feeling normal tastes very light and sweet after you have forgotten or never known what it's like because you've lived in the heavy and confusing house of mirrors of FSA for so long. It seems only responsible to add since Rebecca talks about not forcing no-contact on people: I had a very insightful therapist 30 years ago when I had just graduated highschool who, while I went to her with panic attacks and the firm belief that I was insane, diagnosed zero insanity, informed me what was going on, and her prescription for me was to separate from the family. It took me a long time to actually implement because it seemed so extreme even though I knew it was 100% correct, but I had adapted to the family dynamic so to an extent it felt weirdly normal at the same time it felt bad. It wasn't until I finally separated that I realized the full extent of the effect that merely staying had. After I left I realized that staying itself was a kind of implicit acceptance of what had gone on and continued. I didn't realize that by not doing everything in my power to remove myself from a corrosive poison - any corrosive poison - which is what healthy living things do, I was continuing their abuse - in a way perpetrating it on myself. I definitely recommend finding good support, having a wise, insightful therapist or at least knowing one that you can check in with if necessary, and at least a few people whom you trust and who get it. It's easy to find myself listening to the non-language voice that says 'but it's your family, how could you abandon them? Imagine what this must be doing to your aging mother! Have you no empathy? Are YOU the narcissist?' ESPECIALLY when they are unaware Mid Rangers who operate to themselves and others the 'we just don't understand him, we are good people' facade, a facade which to them is revealed truth.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Don, thank you for this most eloquent and insightful comment, which I hope anyone looking at comments will take the time to read. I also use the 'house of mirrors' analogy in my FSA work, and have for years - the kind that exist at carnival 'Fun" (but not so fun) houses that distort people beyond recognition - which is precisely what the pathological family projective identification process does. Your comment reflects precisely why going no contact may be the only way for an FSA adult survivor to actually heal - including healing the over-taxed nervous system. I value your presence here and hope to hear more from you!

[@kathrynanderson9222]

Thank you for putting my experience into words.

[@tonyg2554]

It is so good to hear this. I left my scapegoating family of origin in my late twenties - I'm 63 now. Back then there was no real visibility around scapegoating, CPTSD and related issues. It was a lonely and terrifying period in my life. It is so good people are talking about this now and there is a sense of support and community. See? The Internet does some good stuff sometimes.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I'm nearly your age and it was the same for me. One of the reasons I began my research and coined the term 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA), because this form of systemic abuse did not even have a proper name, in my opinion. My book is called 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' - you may want to read it if you are relating to my videos.

[@Ben-tw7lf]

I would love to hear your story as we are of like vintage and seemingly similar circumstances except my break came much later.

[@antjestr1047]

Tony how are you today? I went no contact with my family 4 years ago, also in the end of my twenties, I'm still so sad, angry, heartbroken and all alone...could you find healing, were you able to establish meaningful connections etc?

[@jonellis6235]

The rumination is terrible sometimes. But is is in the past. No contact is safest solution.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Does wonders for the over-activated amygdala, that's for sure.

[@suzannerichardson3208]

I AM no contact. My NPD mother died in 2012 and disinherited me, but I don t even know why. I didn t know she hated me, but I realized she must have. I ve always tried to give my 2 sons everything I never got but my older son is an abusive alcoholic I haven t seen in 20 years. I m so devastated by these things, I ve been suicidal for a long time butbI could never leave THAT for either of my sons. In addition I have one older sister who s also NPD and has a psychosis.She s 11 years older than me and we re estranged cuz she was as abusive as our mother was AND her 3 daughters are also NPD - they all kissed my mother s ass and gave her a ton of supply. I m having a hard time getting over this cuz I m a good person and there s nothing wrong with me except I was cursed with these terroristic relatives.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Definitely FSA is a form of emotional terrorism - a term I use frequently, in fact, to describe these twisted dynamics.

[@bonnieforman9700]

You did the right thing by going No Contact. There's nothing you can do. I too was trashed by everyone in my family. I was the most nice, empathetic, helpful, generous, kind. I believe everyone hated me for it because they are in the cult of my family. Both parents are sex addicted, exhibitionist, pedophiles, and committed incest. My two sisters have taken over the toxic energy of my parents. I haven't spoken to them in 20 years except for a few horrid encounters on the street and at my work. Everyone has their journey of abuse. If you no longer speak to anyone, there is grief of losing family, but you are no longer at the mercy of their unconscious narcissistic abuse. Best to you.

[@blue_moon6490]

Sometimes I honestly think it’s our Light! It bothers their demons! Stay in the Light! ✨💖✨🕊 Much Love!

[@Cowgirlkate]

You are precious; know that you aren't alone and that many if not all of us on this channel share your experience. Huggs to you friend!

[@atlantapage1153]

My comfort comes from knowing Jesus. He says he will be our mother and father when these types of things happen. I hope you will look to him as there is peace and joy with God. You did right getting away from these attackers. I hope and pray you can find that connection with God and he can help you reconnect with who God made you to be. The grief is real! I know! If they were all dead we might get over it faster but they are still alive so the tormenting memories and thoughts can mess us up. Just know the devil can't win unless you give in. Don't listen to those suicidal demons because you were put here for a reason. God also reminds us that he puts the solitary in families. I see those of us who have suffered these things as set apart as special with God. The rest of them are all messed up and the same. We are special and set apart for a reason. It's time to talk to Jesus and find your purpose.

[@carissavonmayer2070]

No contact for a while now.End of year is hard when siblings are all in town and hanging out

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Indeed, holidays can be difficult. I hope you have a good support system in place for those times.

[@carissavonmayer2070]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse best thing is too get outta town myself.

[@Helena-tw7pj]

I slowly gradually went no contact with my parents. I didnt say anything I just disapeared. If I happened to see them I will probably only say hallo and walk away. Good we live far away from each other. When I heard of the term "going no contact" I felt "YES! thankyou very much I will do that!" I will stay out of their lives as long as possible for the sake of my sanity. I have low contact with my siblings.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Often we don't realized we have that option with family; yet, if it were a domestic abuse (spouse / romantic partner) situation, society encourages and supports ending contact, of course. NOT the case with FSA.

[@Helena-tw7pj]

Thankyou Rebecca for sharing your knowledge!@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse

[@cindybates6633]

Whole family.

[@MyFormerSelf]

I ended contact four years ago. The narc contacted and co-opted all friends. I don't want to wake up every morning.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I know so many here have felt that way, including myself years ago. Glad you're here. Linking you to my list of FSA adult survivor resources in case you are seeking additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@laurenfrances3726]

Stay strong John.

[@etaokha4164]

4 years no contact

[@alera520]

I’m open to start finding my tribe, I want to meet people that are honest and real but, do not know where to find them..

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I've heard good things about Rhonda's private Facebook group - Linking you to a resource list I put together and you can access the link for that group (along with other FSA recovery sources) from there: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@joannabrites9857]

Going no contact was so painful for me and it took me weeks to be normal again for the depression was horrible I assure you. Ruminating has been one of the hardest things for me to overcome. I had to write the story down to n paper. Putting in down helped me figure it out and it helped me.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

That can be very helpful - to write your story down. It is a form of self-validation. I'll be discussing 'traumatic invalidation' in tomorrow's video, btw.

[@erpthompsonqueen9130]

Thank you. Watching from Alaska. Disconnected since 1970. Intense study, therapy, and work has peeled the onion. Always more to do, in love. Sister still tries to hoover me back. Want to be present for her but exhausting walking a tightrope between unconditional love and boundary maintenance.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Sometimes it is best that the scapegoated family member unconditionally loves...from afar.

[@erpthompsonqueen9130]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Alaska vs Arizona. 🙂 Interestingly enough, she won't communicate by phone since honest and open conversation about our shared, yes shared, since I left at 18 and she was 13 she was left inheriting the scapegoat position, our conversations progressing into her engaging by insisting on competing in a kind of Trauma Olympics that derails the shared reflection process, family scapegoating trauma is viewed differently in regards to our individual efforts to understand and recover - hers hardly and mine determined continuing education and personal work. Our interactions are exacerbated by diverse religious and political views. It's a hot mess. 🤔 Thank you for actually responding. Also, my apologies for my habit of utilizing run-on sentences. I probably ought to write a book. 🤣

[@erpthompsonqueen9130]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I have added to my response: My case is also exacerbated by the family system dynamics, a toxic mix of extreme religious fundamentalist framework and a hard leaning into cult systems, intergenerationally honed into a refined system, both of which I have extensively studied. My personal work has been informed by a broad range of modalities and academic leaders in the field.

[@rockstarofredondo]

My abusive narc brother tries constant hoovering too. Ignored him for years but made the massive mistake of letting him speak to me again recently. It was a reminder of why I got away.

[@rebeccaeastham7693]

Yes! No contact gave my nervous system a chance to stop spiking! I was simply responding to the latest event and not stepping back and seeing the big picture.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thanks for sharing, Rebecca.

[@sw6118]

Avoid rumination. How? Distract the mind, ask questions. What are the names of the seven dwarves? Count down from a hundred by fours, fives, sevens Name the 50 states Etc You just want to break the focus on self and family

[@BlueMosaic5]

I try till the abusive hurt and disrespect can’t be tolerated any longer. Being empathetic & because I love & adore my family of origin so very much that I give more chances than people deserve & attempt to resolve many times also 1st 💔

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

My research confirmed that FSA adult survivors who are Empath-types will typically over-accommodate and tolerate far more than they should from scapegoating family members.

[@CarolynBrown-ij3zi]

i ended contact abruptly due to an event of egregious aggressive abuse.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

When it is so blatant there is no way to deny or rationalize the behavior.

[@cindihunter9119]

No contact for 4 years now. My two grown Son's and their kids are toxic and I as their mother have been the SG for years. Their Father died of Cancer in 2020, and he was a covert narcissist that blamed me for everything! I left 2 years ago, and my youngest would call twice a year, drunk, stoned, and angry and would blame me for all of his life's problems, and would call me on Christmas or Birthday, yelling, constantly for hours... never realizing that we've been over and over, without a resolution ever. I decided to block their contact, and I've regained peace in my life. My eldest has no empathy, and would often get angry because I have some health issues that he claims, " that being a T1 D, is not that serious, and that I was making up stories just to get attention." I've been a life long Diabetic, and have been through a lot of trauma. I'm still working through these issues- I do not know what else to do... So, I cut them off! I love them, yet they refuse to take any responsibility for their own lives. 🤔

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

It is a heartbreaking situation. And of course, often the covert narcissist spouse will work to align the children with themselves against the other parent, resulting in parental alienation. Linking you to a video here I did on 'faking it' and scapegoating, in case you missed it: kzbin.info/www/bejne/bmibmoGBjbiqfqc

[@cindihunter9119]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thanks for the suggestion! I will listen, and attempt to learn, and grow throughout this process! ♥️😎🎻

[@layneewilson]

My parents passed away in the last half of 2019. I have not been in contact with my siblings since then. I was made out to be the scapegoat. Some days I have tried to just stay alive and keep going. But I do feel more freedom now to be myself and I don't need their approval.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

It takes courage to keep going. I'm glad you found your way here.

[@lindavezina6224]

The pain never ends.I love every person in my family. My brothers and sister and my 3adult children and 2grandkids..0contact with all of them except my 2grandkids..Believe me it's so painful 💔. Too much mental illness.alcohol and drugs..❤❤❤I just wanted peace and I can't deal with crazy gossip that don't make sense 😢😢😢. 10yrs of pain everyday. I'm in therapy. It doesn't work.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope you get a chance to read my introductory book on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA), 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. This, along with videos here and a resource list I am linking you to, may be helpful: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@iudeleiudele]

I will never understand , for the life of me , how this happens and how people can be so cruel and without compassion for somebody from his own family . I can overcame a lot of things , with God help , and with the help of kind , intelligent and compassionate people like you ,( and I thank you from the very bottom of my heart for this ) , but I think that I will never overcame the sadness that the existence of this very issue causes to me .

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Such deep sadness may reflect your humane response to inhumane treatment.

[@LALady1]

Me either I cry all the time still. 😢

[@SC-yc5bf]

I 😊😊

[@JenniferSillanpaa]

I made the decision to end contact in part because I noticed that every time I had contact with family, my husband and I would inevitably have a fight which sometimes continued over the course of several days afterwards. Your comment about allowing the nervous system to calm down is very relevant. When I don't have contact with family (of origin) we have a much more peaceful life. I've chosen to stay away for the upcoming year and instead enjoy the love, peace, and tranquility I've worked hard to establish. Thank you for your videos. Everything you say resonates with me and makes me feel validated.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome, Jennifer. I'll soon be defining what I call Family Scapegoating Trauma (FST) - Stay tuned!

[@charleskimbrell9040]

I have been no contact with my family for 20 years. Members of my family scapegoated me and my mother because my mother sent copies of my father's military record to them when my father died. My uncle was so jealous of my father because my father was awarded a bronze star with oak leaf cluster. He and his children scapegoated both of us. When my mother died I decided to cut them off permanently.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You recognized your true situation earlier than most, and had the courage to stop the abuse by ending contact. Well done.

[@amystrang6524]

Listening to this was feeling like someone finally gets it. I am happy to have found you.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Glad you're here! Since you're new, I'm sharing the resource list I created for FSA adult survivors: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@amystrang6524]

Thank you 🙂I just downloaded your book and look forward to learning more.

[@tory1831]

I feel I can start to recover now.

[@rebeccaoliver5306]

I'm so glad I saw this on my feed today. I went no contact in the summer/fall last year and have been struggling with waves of different emotions. They finally eased in the last couple of weeks. Today I got a call from that family member, and although it was a brief and non-charged conversation, it fried me. I was shakey with a racing heart when I hung up 5 minutes later. I understand now that my nervous system is still raw from the abuse. Thanks for this clarification. I now know what I need to do to continue with my recovery.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Glad you found this video affirming, Rebecca.

[@lancesmalley337]

All abruptly, over one year ago. Doing very well, now the scapegoats eyes are open. See narcissism in so many, abruptly breaking these contacts as well.

[@dotsyjmaher]

Right my only regret was not going NC sooner...the BIG mistake I made was thinking that was all I had to do to get on with my life.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yep. There's a pile of trauma to deal with, in most cases. I'm working on defining what I call 'family scapegoat trauma' (FST) via research right now, btw.

[@kimberlymccracken747]

Rebecca 🌷💝🙏 I love this work. You and Jerry Wise have helped me tremendously! I finally went No Contact one-by-one with little emotional or therapeutic support. Jerry Wise talks about "getting the family system out of you!" Unfortunately, I hadn't done that work so the pattern repeated ad nauseam until I wanted to crawl under a rock and hide.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Kimberly, very glad you are here. Thanks also for letting me know about Jerry Wise. It is very necessary to disidentify from the 'scapegoat narrative' and the pathological dynamics that lead to the scapegoating of a particular child / adult child.

[@sassy070]

My family went no contact with me and I haven’t bothered to reach out to them. I was homeless for over a year and almost had to sleep in my car during the winter. They made no effort to help me or prevent me from possibly freezing to death in my car. I have zero interest in reconnecting with anyone in my family.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

A literal version of being "frozen out" by one's 'family'. Glad you made it through that!

[@PostFamilyOfOrigin]

I went through this exact same thing two years ago. Even in Arizona sans a car, I would wake outside with my jaw rapidly chattering at 5am and run for cover at a hotel TV laundry room or the laundrymat if it were past 6am. The smear campaign started about two years before that. Like yourself, I have decided to make their abandonment a permanent deal for myself