Grey Rock Role Play - Narcissistic Mother - Wedding - CLINICAL ANALYSIS

[@pjohnson7517]

Certainly resonated with aspects of the growth work listed at the end. 1) Knowing what is "normal" - many of us are used to this and don't have a reference point for healthy expectations and interactions. 3) Becoming comfortable and safe with disappointing others.

[@saml642]

When my uncle passed away a few years ago, my cousin (whose father it was) set aside a block of rooms at a hotel for all the family driving into town (which was basically everyone). I was 27 and married at the time, so naturally I was going to call the hotel and make a reservation for my husband and I. My narc mother called me not long after we got the news and *told* me she was going to handle the reservations. She'd be getting two rooms: one for her, my dad, and my older brother, and another for me, my husband *and* my twin sister. To say I was dumbfounded is an understatement tbh, and I've put up with a lot from her. I immediately told her no, of course not, and she tried to turn it around on me like *I* was being ridiculous/selfish and how there wouldn't be enough rooms for the other family members if my husband and I had our own room and how she was going to pay so she'd be saving us money. I just couldn't believe it. I was like, "Mom, I am a *grown ass woman* who is married. I am not going to share a room with my adult sister and my husband for 3 days!" She really acted like I personally was inconveniencing her and her other children and the entire family because I wanted to be in a hotel room *alone* with my husband.

[@anitadavenport7209]

Wow, that's crazy! Glad you stood up for yourself

[@yabe1496]

They dont care about boundaries and intimacy.

[@moniques1377]

I cannot ever state how valuable these analyses are!! There so SO MUCH packed into toxic exchanges, and it's so refreshing (validating?) to see that I'm not crazy for thinking that, every time I experience one. Thank you so much for all the work you put into these roleplay videos

[@longstoryshort8657]

Yes I totally agree, this is so validating especially when you keep doubting your reality

[@charlespoker882]

Love the phrase "comfortable with letting something fall apart." Thank you for this video. So woderful.

[@launacasey6513]

brilliant and brutal - I'm sure many will identify with this dynamic. I think one of the most important things is to learn the difference between healthy and toxic relating.

[@m0L3ify]

Ahhh the "you ruin Christmas" corner! My sister painted me into that ALL the time! Thank goodness she discarded me! Christmases are awesome now. :)

[@MoonWomanStudios]

My mother set up my sibling relationships to fail and I had to become ok with letting them fail and move on with my life.

[@rheanelken2918]

I'm in that process. Not sure it'll ever be "ok", but it's come to very Stark end-of-road where I NEED to make fast and FIRM boundaries. Two of my sibs perpetuate the abuse, while claiming the most received... It's truly a mindwarp.

[@rheanelken2918]

@@beckymm1989 oh my goodness. I'm sorry that it came to such gruesome endings. I can't say it's not crossed my mind daily for the last half decade or more... But I don't want their unwillingness to be healthy stop me from keeping on trying anymore.

[@MoonWomanStudios]

I've allowed my boundaries to be breached too many times, does that even make them boundaries? Now, I'm 41 redrawing the same damn boundaries. I have health problems and I cannot receive any more stress. I am going to die. This is not hyperbole. You cannot bring stress into my life or you won't be in my life.

[@rheanelken2918]

@@MoonWomanStudios I believe it's real, these relationshits definitely kill.

[@leemartin9156]

Were you the golden child?

[@fembot521]

I loved the analysis in written form! It allows me to look at my own specific situations because my mother is not as overtly/obviously abusive as this example indicates. My mother uses guilt/poor me/victim instead of rage.

[@loverlytoday]

Patrick, major knuckle bump to you! Thank you for acting out such a crazy making situation that is so hard to explain to others without sounding, well, crazy!

[@Vercanya]

That was a strange experience. I have some memory loss related to childhood trauma, and the way the narcissistic mother speaks in this video made me realize that someone has talked exactly like that to me at some point, including those "don't make me angry" noises.

[@kaatilanji]

You know you need help when Patrick-mom gives you instant increased heart rate. This conversation was the story of my life and I moved out, but I don't know what to do anymore

[@rheanelken2918]

Thank you so much for your work! It's infinitely reassuring to have someone else (an unbiased party) play out scenarios that reverberate through my bones because they are so relatable. It is life-saving because otherwise the soupy, circular mess of gaslighting and labelling of me (due to reactionary behaviours) are enough to feel like giving up

[@rheanelken2918]

@@patrickteahanofficial 💙💙💙

[@ChrisMeadows1992]

I'm starting my grey rock method with my own mother that I currently live with today. I asked her up front if she was willing to work on our relationship and she said no. It pushed me to take action and personal responsibility for myself and who I let impact my mental state.

[@laurens.712]

I feel like you captured a scene from when I planned my wedding a few years ago before my healing journey-even down to the boxing out of my in-laws. I had only a four-month engagement because I knew wedding planning with her around would be an emotional drain. Thank you for picking apart these conversations and putting names on exactly why it all feels so icky.

[@moniquejackson7741]

These videos are Brilliant, Patrick! The abuse is so subtle and complex, and the average victim is in a temporary codependent fog. We need all the help we can get to be able to see the abuse so we can start practicing Gray Rock. Thanks so much for these generous and powerful videos!

[@fuzzyecheveriaharmsii]

Oh wow. Casual bullying. Now I can name it

[@vanleigh6796]

Wow! Every time I see one of these I learn something new. Considering the social dynamic (perpetrator, victim, savior etc.) Might help me out of some stuck places. Thank you

[@amandawilliams9493]

Patrick, your role plays have been so helpful especially when isolation has hindered so many mental health avenues. Can you please please please do one involving the adult child cutting off the narcissist parent. Either by Letter or by phone it would be helpful to see a healthy empowered “exit plan” vs the opposite. I know it does not exactly fit your usual format but I feel it could be a motivational push and, even more so, empowering for those who want to take that next step.

[@HarleenMokha]

This is brilliant!!! No words to express my gratitude for your work!!! 🙏

[@TraceyMrachek]

i'm really hoping you'll do a role play (with the unhealthy and the empowered ways) of handling the "co"-parent who has parental alienation syndrome who perpetuates a smear campaign against the non npd parent. your videos give such clear examples, so thank you!!! working on my LICSW and I intend on reaching those in need the way you're able to.

[@jennifernathan8812]

Um, yes please! My ex-husband has a mother who is engaging in parental alienation against me (she has physical custody), and I always said that he was "attached at the tit" to his mom. He can't say "no" to her nor can he defend someone else if it means going against her. Omg! She throws guilt around and gets that "resigned to my fate/the world is so hard" tone of voice!

[@nikstar1313]

I get so excited when you upload these!!!!!

[@NaturallyFrugal1]

Me too.😀

[@onwardsandupwards7397]

This is so me: I am ready to just say, "Okay! Thank you! I'll do it"

[@sontrajamfemininegaze145]

"Like boohoo" - haha!! 😂 It's AMAZING how you keep using phrases, intonations and body language that are exactly like the things I remember seeing and hearing my own parents do! It's uncanny!

[@sm8155]

I'm soooooo grateful for your work. Thank you ❤❤❤

[@jazzfulfilled4141]

like...everything you talk about in your videos is 100% correct. it's dead on and the examples/ roleplay help so much. I've been in denial about everything and kept letting things go, because I avoid conflict... I'm ONE of the black sheep of my family and I didn't have the verbiage or terms to describe what I see in my family's dysfunction. So thank you for sharing and you have no idea how much it's helped me not feel alienated or like I'm exaggerating. a weight has been lifted

[@longstoryshort8657]

Dr. Patrick thank you so much for these videos they have been helping me personally, and I was curious about some topics like the Identity theft and Reactive abuse, fleas after repetitive abuse and taking the blame and being numb and then ending up depleted, frustrated and act like the narcissist and then they are the calm one all of a sudden and they tell you see you are the problem and have always been. I wanted to know your take on this doctor. thanks again.

[@m0L3ify]

Spot on analysis! Thanks so much, this really jives with my experience with my own mom! I just realized something new about her bullying last night and I'm still trying to process it.

[@aislingobrien5485]

This is exceptional in every way, only someone who has lived it can really understand the nuances of this train wreck pattern of interaction. Your understanding of the dynamics coupled with this ability to illustrate it for others so clearly is just mind blowing! It is invaluable and validating to me even now, years into my healing. Took me one long nervous breakdown in my my late twenties to crack me open and see all of this for what it was, slowly but surely over the following years, as I became able to process the layers of dysfunction I was enmeshed in. For anyone going through the worst of it, feeling like you might be losing your mind, or like it would be easier to just not be here anymore, realising something is very very wrong, but not knowing if it’s you or them, or what’s up or down... facing this crap, really seeing it, accepting your reality, and just plain letting yourself fall apart because of it, is a gift to yourself. It doesn’t feel like it at the time, as you enter the depths of grieving for the ‘family’ you’ve never actually had, but it’s the moment you start living an authentic life. I initially beat myself up for behaving the way the ‘daughter’ does here, for being part of the charade, once I saw it for what it was.. but now I look on this daughter (and myself in that position) with so much compassion, knowing that our minds just do the very best they can to protect us from pain and stop us from falling apart when we’re faced with difficult experiences. We do the best we can with what we know at the time.

[@juvinaortega]

Had a similar experience with my mom yesterday. Had to rewatch this to put my mind at ease. Thank you for your break downs❤

[@robhatesyoutube]

"I'm more than happy to show up in court about it", I've never been to court but I don't think it's a very fun place from what I've heard. Fascinating video. I'm fortunate in that I don't think I know anyone like this, I just have an interest in toxic dynamics and how they work.

[@SmittyTra-tra]

On one hand, bravo for being able to portray so accurately the narcissistic parent, those frustrated screams sent chills up my spine 😄but on the other hand, sad that you know how to portray it so well because there have been so any narcissistic family members either in your life or in the life of your patients, who you can learn from so keenly 😔

[@ThePennyArcade]

Omg...now she has to do everyone’s makeup geez... Definitely all too familiar with the causing problems, acting like other people have bad intentions, and then acting like she’s the rescuer. Eeek....you’re so good at this.

[@yabe1496]

The mother flatering the daugther skills as a make up artist used to work for me so well when my mom used to manipulate me. I was so in need of her approval and validation that even a minor compliment made me be highly eficient in areas I did not even know how to, puting my 100% effort. At 45yo I was bournt out, adrenal fatigue, fibromialgia, etc.

[@Rinas_diary623]

This rings so true, except it's my father doing the narcissistic abuse. It's scary how much this resembles the conversations we have and how much the daughter resembles my responses. With my mother, there's issues with codependency and more. Thank you for these videos. I, like so many others, am so grateful for the time and effort you put into helping victims/ survivors of abuse and trauma. I will break the cycle and I will foster more healthy relationships.

[@rosemmaries2579]

This is so helpful, thank you for what you do. I would love to watch more videos from you on this subject.

[@dionysiapapadatou9346]

So helpfull, as always Patrick! So woderful. Thank you, God bless you! For me, was my ex husband who created chaos for controlling all members of our family and all that staff... You help me to heal from many travmas.

[@tmw7550]

Yes! This came at the best time, that I just proudly stood up to my narcisstic mum, where she gaslighted me, but she trusted to ironically gaslight me again haha but I stayed Grey rock well most of the time, still learning haha. I caught her out in her own lie. Haha. I feel the best I’ve ever felt getting off the phone to her because I feel empowered, I set really real,y storing boundaries. Thanks to you and these role plays! I literally googled narcisstic mother role play hoping you might have posted a new one or another one I had seen in the past, and this came up so thank you thank you! 🙏 Honestly answer time my prayer! I can’t describe how amazing I feel knowing I stood up for myself and even though she just kept lying digging herself a hole even more, (and I told her if she reads the message she sent to me lol) that it will explain the contradiction of her words haha. She forgot she put in writing haha (as the original phone convo was on the phone and she messaged me and love bombing me after I hung up her when she was gaslighting me). I love that you break these videos down and say what they are also are ie deflection, manipulation, guilt trio etc because the whole time I was able to label them as she was doing them, especially even the love bombing which usually I just fall back into the trap awhh she does love me, she’s not a bad person etc and totally invalidate myself gaslighting myself which is something I do often. So thanks again!

[@LPoppy2023]

this was wonderful and yikes. I felt my sympathetic nervous system escalate. Thank you for performing this for us.

[@megandahlgren4658]

Thank you Patrick! You are a gem! I love your videos. This one was really pertinent to me. Thank you.

[@fireupyourheartfortruth]

so true and sad💔:(. thank you for your work to help others❤️🕊️❤️

[@DancingErica333]

Very helpful. I def experienced this but to less extreme levels. I would LOVE role-playing of grey rock and/ or how to respond as a healed / empowered version! Thanks

[@thenewyorkcitizen]

You have all the little games of any dysfunctional family down perfectly!

[@helenacleveland3444]

This hit home. Thank you for the advice. It helps a lot. Thank you for your effort in making these videos. Keep it on! Greetings from Germany.

[@nora-en2gi]

great work!

[@pburdock]

Wow that’s what I am dealing with wright now.. I am working on 1 and 2 with my therapist, but I still am not comfortable with 3. There is just so much work when you grew up like that. I feel it’s sort of a script that triggers in me and I have to stop and take a moment to think before I react.

[@carolea7158]

8:51 is gold!!!

[@TheLaurdawgmacdaddy]

I love your videos so much, you're such a gem! Do you have any videos about how to get out of dissociating when you're triggered by someone like this? I aspire to be more empowered and set better boundaries w/loved ones, but in the heat of the moment, have a hard time not shutting down/fleeing the situation or just tuning out completely. It's always much harder in practice to be assertive in my experience!

[@emirosem.sc.597]

Bang on. Not even a "Hello" from the Mom. 😂😂 This is so familiar. My mom is basically in mid-sentence when she answers the phone. Entire thing is downhill from there. Seeing Patrick's videos I'm glad I moved out at 15. But also remember being financially dependent in a crisis (eviction, utility shut off) so I had to play her games and attend functions. Ugh. Never had to move back in thankfully but ugh, these videos are dead-on. No one deserves this kind of Dad or Mom!

[@sylviekaiser1064]

Unbelievably familiar- and until I read the comentary-it felt icky but yeah normal- this would have left me feeling empty and gaslit trying to explain to any of my friends who would have played the ‘oh it’s not so bad’ card. Thank you and I have to be very careful who I speak with.

[@johnheart6890]

excellent video!

[@katieatkinson8357]

I'm so happy I found your channel. I'm at the very beginning of my recovery. Do you have any videos or recommendations about a narcissist mother and protecting grandchildren (my kids)?

[@JamesJardineEd]

Yes please!!!

[@kimberbites]

The shut up and just listen. Especially right after engaging into a conversation, as in a two way. Equal exchange. Familiar with that. Asks question, so go to respond, then get told shut up. Then volunteered so when one says no, why are you so selfish, you don't have anything going on. It's just one thing. Played that one a lil' too well there, lol.

[@independentthinkers2197]

Thank you so much 🙏🏽🙏🏿🙏❤️❤️❤️🦋🦋🦋

[@888biblestudy]

Will watch later Recently my mother bought me a dress to wear to my wedding ceremony She didn’t get the one I liked because she didn’t It couldn’t be form fitting She told me I could return it if I didn’t like it I got it just to stop all her talking but was so overwhelmed that I was mostly sure I didn’t like it (it was on clearance do only $15) Once we got home (I’m staying with her temporarily) she had me put it on and she took a picture Then told me to tell all my friends that I got a wedding dress Then screamed about why don’t I like it. Yesterday I grabbed something at the store She told me to switch it for something else So I did Now she asks why I’m not using it if I got it I don’t want it Never did Just trying to respect her as my mother I’m 56 Waiting on a visa to leave the US and she’s letting me stay (with no income) so i am very grateful to her.

[@888biblestudy]

She didn’t like the dress I did I pointed out another I liked but she said it was too firm fitting Anyway, I’m not worried. It’s just a handful of people and I will find something

[@beckymm1989]

@@888biblestudy OMG!....blame it on me! You are lovely and deserve the best

[@analee3299]

Bide your time it you have to and make sure you are never dependent on her. Or tell her you are staying somewhere else and if she doen't like it then not invited to the wedding. It your wedding and as an adult you get to pick the dress.

[@entrotlek]

Ahhh, being assigned to do something without even being asked if you wanted to or not. Me and my friends call that "being volun-told". Didn't even know that was a narc thing.

[@NadiaEaazy]

can you do codependent daughter and mother?

[@insights3140]

This is 100% familiar.

[@sydneyd2094]

What’s interesting is the lack of awareness. The narcissist is blind sided by their need for admiration and love, that they don’t see how they’re actually achieving the opposite. Which just goes to show how out of touch they really are with people’s emotions, hence the lack of empathy.

[@stephanies3246]

Goals in therapy 8:14

[@sadhanarayan6108]

This happens at my office :(

[@karenlewkowitz5858]

Hits home

[@danielhagan7355]

I laughed at " you'll never forgive yourself"

[@hollyl5702]

Ah yes.. I referred to this phenomenon in my childhood as being "Voluntold"

[@kotieboatz6042]

I dont know if I'm a narc or abused by a narc she has gas lit me so much I just fly off the handle if something is missing even if it is not her.

[@animate2education]

Can Patrick or anyone talk about how to navigate the sticky nuances of gray rocking? For better or for worse, the concept of gray rock has become so mainstream that the family members often pick up on the fact that this is exactly what you are attempting with them? Or how about the inverse? When you suspect a family member who is highly narcissistic is actually stonewalling or punishing with the silent-treatment - but the language they use suggests they may be telling themselves they are gray-rocking you? Of course we can’t assume we know someone else’s motivations or thoughts…but I see the potential mind-f-y-ness of this technique - actually I think I may have experienced it both ways. It’s too bad - since it makes so much sense I it’s face and no doubt is more effective with ex. coworkers or other people you have to cont us to deal with, but with whom we may not have the same degree of history and intensity of conflict.

[@StellaIrisandTess]

Just wondering WHY narcissists set up scapegoats for impossible tasks. This happened to me all the time but i could never figure out why my dad did this to me. What was in it for him if I failed?

[@jc4171]

I haven’t laughed this hard in years 😂❤️

[@Maria-cd5bz]

Wow!!

[@analee3299]

Mom yell and huff all you want but you won't change my mind, sorry. Oh I have to go bye. i will take you out of the will. Ok I realize some people are not ever going to stand up to narcs and the therapist need to understand where the client is and help them from that place. The client moves themselves closer to where they want to go and realizes what they need to so by talking about it. They need to take baby steps to be strong and not easy to lose whole family in these dynamics Part of it is learning its them, not you and you are not all the things every makes you out to be with the help of the narc. Part of it is getting independent because that is their main tool, is being able to hold things over your head, a place to live, money, will, connection to family members and they do have power but usually they are mean even if you comply and will kick you out of the house at a critical moment. Once you go around and around and get yourself independent you can be firmer with them.

[@carolea7158]

2:55 is this supposed to be "You need me, therefore, I own you"?

[@carolea7158]

@@patrickteahanofficial I literally resonate with this sooo much! I've exactly felt this way so often.

[@yonca2538]

Patrick I think you put the wrong Instagram handle to the description box

[@ellenorbjornsdottir1166]

do you want to have a voiceover for the title cards?

[@sumari972]

was so annoying I almost forgot to hit the like button :-o))

[@deeb8733]

Wait. Did I miss something? I saw on no Grey Rock tactics in this... She sounded weak, unsure, and not confidently grey rock.

[@ezb6798]

Yes - you need to look at the related first video. This one is the critical anaylsis, which focuses on only the first scenario fromthe first video.

[@todamoon55]

Here is my advice on this video. The reading is too much. I’m watching a video not reading an article. This is why I’m on you tube.