Can Masculinity Be Healthy?

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HealthyGamerGG

Күн бұрын

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@TheLucas454 Жыл бұрын

Healthy masculinity = Uncle Iroh

@lelesinteri Жыл бұрын

TRUTH

@prime8512 Жыл бұрын

Zuko was guided by the right man that’s for sure

@Blueline3691 Жыл бұрын

Uncle K

@designsbyflora3708 Жыл бұрын

Lmao YES

@redmoon383 Жыл бұрын

Absolutely. Uncle knew how to be manly but also not be a toxic influence on his nephew (and friends)

@cjtrahey4195 Жыл бұрын

The definition I keep coming back to comes from an interview from Peter Cullen about how he chose his voice for Optimus Prime. One of the creators/directors basically told him to “be strong enough to be gentle” and I’ve lived with that knowledge since, it’s helped a lot in my life.

@pub097 Жыл бұрын

blessed knowledge

@rocketbird1 Жыл бұрын

Wow

@ilikepancakes2368 Жыл бұрын

Let me guess. That was from his interview during the Netflix documentary called “The Toys that Made Us” for the Transformers episode. I liked that quote too.

@cjtrahey4195 Жыл бұрын

I stand corrected - it was his brother that said it, oops

@nervengewitter Жыл бұрын

This reminds me of the quote "if you don't hurt others but you're not capable of doing harm anyway, you're not a pacifist, you're harmless." Not that being harmless is wrong or bad, but there's a different kind of strength in having power but choosing to use it to be kind and do good in the world instead of destroying and controlling.

@smh_tuna Жыл бұрын

It’s funny because even as a women I have felt the hardships and drawbacks of what it is like to fill that masculine role. My family members look up to me as a role model. I need to always be dependable because everyone around me looks up to me and relies on me for support. My opinion matters. I’m also a big protector, for me it’s super important to take care of those I care about. Constantly playing the stoic role is really damaging however. I easily deal with other peoples emotions on a daily basis but it is so so hard for me to be able to open up and express my emotions to others. It doesn’t feel safe. I feel I have to always be strong and I can never show a sign of weakness. I talk about my emotions but I always make sure to keep my distance when I do so. It’s a lot of pressure and I can really sympathize and empathize with men for that reason.

@lancetan7699 Жыл бұрын

This comment really speaks to me. I hope you find places to feel safe. As an older brother I sometimes I wish I had older brothers to be the dependable ones.

@smh_tuna Жыл бұрын

@@lancetan7699 Thank you! That really means a lot man. And same to you!

@Puerco-Potter Жыл бұрын

I hope you find someone you can feel safe enough around. I can relate a lot with what you said, after 2 years of therapy I can now open up to anyone in my family for example, but it was hard reaching this is point.

@dcard228 Жыл бұрын

It's always cathartic when women experience what it's like to be a man and feel how incredibly lonely and soul crushing it is to be us.

@adifferentangle7064 Жыл бұрын

Stoicism and responsibility aren't just male traits. You might be feeling that way because society has succesfully hidden the responsibility of women and the historical western female culture from you. Women have just as much responsibility as men, but the roles and the nature of how they deal with that should be different. You might find that if you relinquish your male ideas of how to be successful you might actually find it easier to be that person other people need you to be.

@Peter_1986 Жыл бұрын

I know a lot of guys in real life - like family members and friends, for example - who I would say show traits of "healthy masculinity". Those guys are both confident and humble at the same time, and they follow their ambitions and remain calm and collected when they have disagreements with people, and they will immediately defend their friends if they are in danger in some way.

@gumfun2 Жыл бұрын

Yes, thats like IT. I believe I embody those traits maximally as well

@rainbowdash9388 Жыл бұрын

What really resonated with me was the fact that the “healthy” should be prioritized more than the “masculinity” or “femininity”. Too often, I see people do the opposite, becoming caricatures of what they believe to be the gender role they identify with

@MuttonErase Жыл бұрын

fr fr. too many people identify with the sex they are first before they identify with the fact that they are a person. I saw someone else in this section say that they generally believe that being a man is having confidence in who you are as a person rather than it being what you do. And honestly I agree.

@potapotapotapotapotapota Жыл бұрын

I think the reason why is because we have to separate the two to understand them and apply them to our lives. It's like a light switch - when you turn on the light you also "turn off" the darkness, and when you turn off the light you "turn on" the darkness. The two sides are both valid and true but cannot coexist together because they are opposites. In the same way, e.g. it's considered a masculine trait to stand up for yourself and your friends when someone does you or them wrong, but it is much more feminine to freeze or run away from fear. You can't do both, but sometimes there are situtations where it's better to stand up for yourself, and other times when it's better to just walk or run away. It could be a life or death situation that you need to be wise about. And so there is a time and a place for everything, you just need wisdom to know the difference.

@chakritlikitkhajorn8730 Жыл бұрын

Tbh, I think people focus on masculine part because they think being "masculine" will help them get laid or have a relationship while being "healthy" is all about self. Totally not true.

@jyp6655 Жыл бұрын

I see the exact opposite where genders are becoming obsolete bc of the intense push for gender equality. Men becoming more feminine and women becoming more masculine. And now nobody is happy bc they’re trying too hard to conform to societal expectations.

@potapotapotapotapotapota Жыл бұрын

@@Mia_2512 women are weak, men are strong - that's why masculine traits are those that involve things like fighting and female traits are those that avoid conflict

@Darth_Insidious Жыл бұрын

Every time I think of healthy masculine traits I eventually come to the conclusion that those traits are beneficial for everyone. Why shouldn't we expect both our sons and daughters to be assertive when necessary, pick up survival and first aid skills, cook healthy meals, be able to jump a car/change a tire, stay physically active, be able to support people when they're down, be proud of their accomplishments, be able to financially support themselves, be nurturing and protective of children, etc?

@gumfun2 Жыл бұрын

Imo it's hard to balance those all in reality and to do all of them with best ability all put into a single person. However, that is probably a good ideal. In my mind though, if I have a (female) partner then I see it as if she has maximal feminine abilities and I have maximal masculine abilities, then we can do so much more as a pair than if I were to create a balance within myself as a lone person.

@Darth_Insidious Жыл бұрын

@@gumfun2 The labor doesn't have to be divided along gendered lines. The best person in the relationship should do each respective job, as long as everything stays about equal. I wouldn't take charge of finances if my SO was a great accountant.

@Herosoyyo2 Жыл бұрын

Masculinity and femininity aren't prescriptive, they're descriptive. Traditionally masculine virtues are an emergent pattern; "what do admirable men tend to have in common?" The social mandate to adjust to that comes after, not the other way around. So yes, both genders should aspire to both masculine and feminine virtues.

@riveteye93 Жыл бұрын

@@Herosoyyo2 they are both presciptive and discriptive at the same time, they emerge intertwined, together, and it's impossble to separate them, just like it's impossible to dissect a living thing while it's still alive.

@Moose92411 Жыл бұрын

That’s exactly the same thought I had. Healthy masculinity is being a competent, compassionate, coordinated human.

@thossi09 Жыл бұрын

For my part, "toxic masculinity" is just like "toxic courage". Aristotle spent a lot of papyrus talking about the virtues, and how a virtue is the "golden middle" between two excesses. If he hadn't had a word already for "excess of courage" (I think the usual English translation is "recklessness" or "foolhardiness", but since I've never read Nichomachean Ethics in English, I'm not entirely sure), I don't see why he wouldn't have used "toxic courage" to describe what he was going on about. While courage (the virtue) is for example displayed in running into a burning building to save someone, "toxic courage" would be running into a burning building just to show that you can, that you're not afraid of fire (or death). I also don't see why "masculinity" shouldn't be considered a virtue on its own, or at least a broad term for a collection of virtues and how they're "properly" displayed in a masculine person (the "proper display" being in some way tempered by our culture). Too much and it's "toxic", too little and it's, I don't know, "weak"?

@40441gogo Жыл бұрын

Very insightful! Ty!

@danielleboon1543 Жыл бұрын

Great episode. I like Cinema Therapy’s episode Aragorn vs Toxic Masculinity. I love the line “you can decapitate orcs and write poetry. Yah, they’re not mutually exclusive”

@greyfox4838 3 ай бұрын

but if he didn't decapitate orcs and only did poetry would he still be considered a manly man? the "kill X group" is doing a lot of the heavy lifting here don't you think?

@agamermom0014 Жыл бұрын

I'm very lucky that even though I'm a single mom, my own father is the best male role model that my kids can have. Because he's not just a man who has "healthy masculinity", he's a good human being. He's the kind of person I want to be.

@ilikepancakes2368 Жыл бұрын

Well, probably not the best if you ended up as a single mom.

@vickysmashesyouwithahammer Жыл бұрын

@@ilikepancakes2368 Rare to see such a childish, judgeing comment on an HG video. you know two people are involved in a relationship, right? OP's partner could have easily been the one at fault, or both people. We don't know anything, OP's partner could've died or something. Seems your father wasn't the best either with you leaving comments like this.

@omarcomming722 Жыл бұрын

@@vickysmashesyouwithahammer you cite every possible outcome aside from OP being at fault lol.

@maciejasz78 Жыл бұрын

@@vickysmashesyouwithahammer Put those two quotes from AGamerMom00! together: "my own father is the best male role model that my kids can have" and "He's the kind of person I want to be." I can sense some problem there :) If I was her partner, I'd run like hell.

@ilikepancakes2368 Жыл бұрын

@@vickysmashesyouwithahammer Oh yeah sure. Cause a woman can get pregnant by accident right? Please. Based on what I’ve seen, women who end up as single mothers tend to fall for the same type of guy which is why I said her father probably failed her if he didn’t set the guideline on which men will be better to reproduce with. But then again, a father can only teach so much to a daughter that sometimes, a woman’s delusion will just end up getting the best of her and that is how you end up having a pattern of single mothers.

@Nicholasvelaz22 Жыл бұрын

I like listening to you because you have the right idea; men and women should be working together to solve the problems that society has placed upon us oftentimes by tradition. None of this oppression olympics stuff; we're all human and there are problems we all have, and we need to work together to fix them particularly in a world that moves as quickly as ours.

@migueljuarez6788 Жыл бұрын

There's no way we aren't going to have an oppression Olympics. You're dealing with very hurt people that haven't dealt with their trauma

@zeekeno823 Жыл бұрын

I didn't have a dad growing up. I had to develop an idea of masculinity on my own. The most important part of masculinity or gender identity itself is confidence in your identity. Everything I do is masculine, and I'm comfortable with it. I may not be apt as a mechanic or other hands on work, but I'm a man and am comfortable with it. I think it applies universally to men, women and nb persons. Simply owning who you are is a successful adaptation into your gender role.

@Sahdirah Жыл бұрын

❤️

@kazumakariama Жыл бұрын

I didnt have a dad either, so i havent had a sense of identity for pretty much my whole life. Im turning 23 and ive only started feeling confident about 2 months ago. My masculinity is something im still trying to discover, but overall, my newfound confidence will help me find it, that identity for me.

@mix1ro Жыл бұрын

"healthy masculinity = being based" that chatter is on to something

@Lusc1nt Жыл бұрын

Your comment is quite based too😏

@kazumakariama Жыл бұрын

W Take

@the-based-jew6872 Жыл бұрын

Based means to be against the status quo.

@Tystolfo Жыл бұрын

@@the-based-jew6872 More accurately it means being true to yourself, whether that's against the status quo or not is irrelevant.

@godspeedhero3671 Жыл бұрын

@@Tystolfo This.

@Lenci_the_Nugget Жыл бұрын

I really like the part at the end where you say that women get judged by other people either for staying home or for choosing a career and not having kids and that what we can all do as humans is stop judging ourselves because others will always judge. Would love to see a video going more into depth on that. I think a lot of men and women feel like we can't win. I think it's great that society is starting to recognize that any gender can do anything, but now it seems like we are expected to do EVERYTHING, and that gets overwhelming.

@bremcurt9514 Жыл бұрын

@Terrorists Win Why are that the only two options? That's stupid. Why can't people in a relationship just decide amongst themselves who gets to do what? It's either "we take your autonomy as a person away" or being exploited by a heartless system? Why? How is that fair for anyone? Seems like that would make people miserable regardless of gender. Also, why are you pretending that like being a housewife is inherently easier? Do you have any idea how much shit women have to clean? Especially when they have children? If the amount of labor is unequally distributed and one of the people in the relationship doesn't like that, why can't they just talk? Why do any rights need to be taken away? As for the shitty things men have to do: why don't we stop oppressing men instead of being like: "Let's oppress both genders"? Why not make things better for everyone? Nobody needs to sacrifice themselves for shitty jobs if we actually stood up together. We can build something better.

@zhain0 Жыл бұрын

'it's great that society is starting to recognize that any gender can do anything' im sorry but thats been a thing for a long time. if anything its starting to go backwards these days due to the polarisation on each side. also, what do you mean by you are expected to do everything?

@Sondly Жыл бұрын

@Terrorists Win TF are you smoking man!?! You sound like an incel.

@pk3m3 Жыл бұрын

@Terrorists Win You sure know alot about women considering you've never talked or been with one 🤣

@danidisco284 Жыл бұрын

@Terrorists Win "you get to sleep around and vote" LMAO

@vivvpprof Жыл бұрын

#1 I think the term 'toxic masculinity' is extremely toxic in itself, since it implies that men's acting toxic (being jealous, aggressive, controlling, self-important) has some connection to being male. In reality, women do the exact same toxic things and you don't hear about 'toxic femininity' at all. So either make it equal for everyone and speak of toxic juvenility, toxic Asianhood etc. or just speak of toxicity in general (far more logical option). #2 If you construe your masculine identity as a negation of femininity, then you'll find that the more things historically reserved for men women do nowadays (wearing a tuxedo, being a bodybuilder, being a leader etc.), the more your identity is in danger of annihilation, so you'll naturally get defensive (and bitter).

@BBoysAndTrickers Жыл бұрын

ive never thought of this. thank you, i realized how brainwashed i am

@SirBojo4 Жыл бұрын

The whole theory of toxic masculinity isn't as simple as that and can't be debunked by a short deductive a to z logic comment. Toxic masculinity is a behaviour steming from the social pressure to fit into a role assigned to the male biological gender: i.e A young boy born biologicaly male understand that he should be like what boys need to be (being protective aggressive, controlling, self-assertivness etc...) which probably don't fit the world he lives in utility and leads him to adopt a unrequired toxic behaviour which again stems from the masculine role he adopted. If it is an excess of it or the concept itself of masculinity itself that is a problem is another question.

@giovannamariotto5246 Жыл бұрын

Yes, thank you.

@michajastrzebski4383 Жыл бұрын

@@SirBojo4 being aggresive is a good thing. It allows one to destroy enemies in a more effcient way. It might only be considered 'bad" if you actually plan to be his enemy...

@Random-yb5di Жыл бұрын

@@SirBojo4 Well… thats ironic. Woman in our current soceity is pushed and being told that they should act in more of an ”self pleasing” way. Its ok for woman to act controlling, manipulative, selfish etc. But still the same people complain about toxic masculinity? Its also the fact that our soceity have for ages pushed that women deserve a gentleman, someone who provides for them, someone who spoils them. meanwhile men have to accomplish everything them self to have these advantages in life.

@SolDizZo Жыл бұрын

I feel as though men and women are balancing these strengths, and “boys and girls”/“males and females” are combating weaknesses. “Man” is an ideal you hold in your mind, same with “Woman.” When I grew up, though I was in a traditional household, I had mostly negative male peers and role models. Still, no major extremes, so I’m grateful for that. I turned to building up strengths in a sort of feminine sphere, to learn acceptance and appreciation and move away from cynicism and resentment. I’ve been fighting with resentment my entire life. Self acceptance was the real challenge, the hidden goal, and it has been a long 10 years of confronting it after identifying my ego as something that could destroy me.

@theangelbelow88 Жыл бұрын

TLDR: Don't let outdated societal gender norms dictate your life, do what makes you happy, because at the end of the day it's your life and you should be happy with the person that lives in your head, since they're the one that occupies 100% of your time Full Comment: I think one of the best things I did for my own mental health in the past 3 years was to say "f*** it, I'm going to do things that makes me happy and more comfortable in my own skin" which for me was doubling down on my feminine traits, I always identified more with women than men. Two of the strongest people in my life growing up was my mom and sister, I have always looked up to both of them, I did have a dad, but he was always too busy doing the whole provider thing for the family to really be there for any of us, he wasn't a bad dad, just an absent figure, I also had an older brother and he did his best to do the whole big brother role, so I had a perfect split between male and female role models growing up. I was the middle child and ended being both my brother's and sister's best friend, I would do boy things with my brother and girl things with my sister and honestly I always liked the girl things better, I liked playing dolls, baking, fangirling over boy bands, etc, and I didn't think that was odd, nore did my family, things like that only felt odd once I got closer to my teens and society started telling me that I had to do/enjoy boy things and I just accepted, but my feminine quirks never went away, I just learned to hide them better, lucky for me in my late teens I met friends that supported me through any decision, slowly I let more of my quirks slip out and they never made me feel odd about them, but I still kept them hidden for the most part outside of my friends, but in the last few years I feel like society is finally slowly moving away from gender roles and I started to see more people who reminded me of me, but just open and happy without a care. So now I have a very androgynous style, let my love of pop show, allow my feminine mannerisms to just be part of me and honestly it's been great, haven't had any negative interaction, I even been complimented on my style and been called beautiful by women and as a guy, that's not something I thought I'd ever hear, men aren't "beautiful" they're "handsome, rugged, etc.) Even when I've been placed in scenarios where I thought the older generation would judge me, but so far all the "boomers" in my life still like me. My friend's dad actually passed away this year and he loved me, even described me as one of the most gentle people he had ever met and he was a huge manly man's man, tough dude from the LA streets, so when my friend told me what his dad thought of me, I melted on the inside, once again being described as "gentle" is traditionally something you don't want to hear as a men, but to me stuff like "beautiful" and "gentle" mean the world to me and make me feel like I belong. I guess my whole point with this I completely agree with everything Dr. K said on this video and I think man and women should be allowed to fill whatever gender role makes them happy and keeps them healthy, not what society tells them. I could've been a 6'2, 240+ lb muscle mountain of a man, with a full beard in traditional men's clothing and unhappy, but nope, I'm a 6'2, 165 lb slender framed guy, that likes dangle earrings, wearing girl shirts, skinny jeans and on rare occasion a very light amount of makeup. Also most of my male friends I would describe as typical dudes, I'm really the only oddball and they don't care. Anywho, I hope this comment helps out anyone who is struggling with gender norms, I also hope you have and/or find people that will support and love you no matter what you do in life ❤️

@feelsrestricted8322 Жыл бұрын

My perspective on masculinity as a woman: I have reflected a lot on this, what it means to be masculine and feminine in a positive sense and toxic sense. I have realized that since early childhood, healthy femininity has been sold to me as something that was wrong and needed to be suppressed. I was explicitly told that to be a good person that I had to perform masculinity(be strong, stoic, hyper independent, to be the care taker and the provider, to sacrifice myself my happiness peace time and energy for everyone else’s well being). This was communicated to me by family members, TV, and even teachers. Positive masculine traits were the only acceptable thing, and so I embodied that, the more I did, the more praise and reinforcement I got, but also the worse everything in my life became, my mental health and physical health. My interpersonal relationships were affected and I was so exhausted and burnt out. I resented the world because playing a man was killing me(I was actually getting sicker with multiple health issues). it wasn’t an authentic expression of who I wanted to be but something that became second nature due to brainwashing and habits that had been solidified for years. At 20, I had my first romantic connection with a young guy(2 yrs older than me), the first month went amazingly, my natural femininity had emerged really strongly for the first time in my life. I felt safe, happy, soft, playful, attentive, energized, and truly free. The guy was embodying healthy masculinity(positively claiming a women, to understand her and love her and be responsible for her). He expressed to me that I brought this value to him that I wasn’t even aware of. But this fizzled out soon as my masculine conditioning took over awakening his feminine conditioning. I got so disregulated when that happened. Suddenly I no longer had this safe strong masculine presence. I was turning into the decisive leader in the relationship and I hated it. I felt alone and abandoned(eventually I was). He got mad and resentful because suddenly all my positive femininity had disappeared. I think as a society, we have to really examine the energy we’re embracing, and stop pushing the narrative that men and women are interchangeable and the same or worse that either sex has to reject healthy embodiments of their energies and fully transform to embrace the opposite energy. Every person needs a bit of both positive energies in themselves(and even a healthy integrated shadow). We also need that from others, but there has to be a balance and at the same time polarity within one’s self and with others.

@PennyNickelMcGee Жыл бұрын

I really like this comment

@MoltarTheGreat Жыл бұрын

Very profound and insightful, thank you for sharing!

@nervengewitter Жыл бұрын

This rings very true for me. I think in a practical sense it's good if both people in a heterosexual relationship can show up "both ways" because nowadays it's more beneficial if both people work and both people take care of the family and household. However, there is indeed a polarity between men and women and it feels unnatural and weird to most of us to reject or reverse that polarity. So even if a man is a stay at home dad, he can embody the positive energies of masculinity, like being a protector, proactive planner and mentor, and his wife will probably thank him for it. On the flip side, even a career driven woman who is tough in the outside world can reserve some of her softness and playfulness for her man, who will be just as grateful. We seek out relationships that complement us and make us something we couldn't have been alone.

@Thungon Жыл бұрын

It was that point in the video that Dr. K lost me. "If this is what healthy masculinity is, then why can't women be those things too?" The answer is because healthy masculinity is great for men, and needed in the world, but it only is half the equation. If everyone is doing the same half, humanity/society gets out of balance. On top of that imbalance, in even asking the question you are subtly, and perhaps unknowingly, devaluing femininity and *all* it brings. Making it "less than" masculinity. In short, it isn't progressive, it's actually being misogynistic. It just... irks me. I'm still trying to understand it, to explain it better. That is just what I see.

@feelsrestricted8322 Жыл бұрын

@@Thungon yeah, in my journey of rediscovering my suppressed femininity I have just realized how demonized and disregarded femininity truly is. There is a subtle misogyny in suggesting that the way women become better humans is through embracing masculine traits(which should be done but not as a substitute for embracing femininity). I find it difficult for myself to even define femininity as my American culture doesn’t really seem to know. I don’t think obedience for example is actually a healthy embodiment of femininity but this is one of the few pervasive ideas of femininity in the west. I think curiosity especially at the expense of obedience(not true submission) is an extremely feminine characteristic(think of the most famous example of Eve in the garden of eden). Then we wonder why redpill communities and incels villainize women for not being “submissive”(obedient) or otherwise being nonconforming to distortions of femininity. Not only are women not taught what it means to be positively feminine, and it is programmed out of us so we forget and resist it when it emerges.

@Balloonbot Жыл бұрын

Masculinity is both a pressure a lot of men face, but its also seen with a lot of resistance when its questioned whether those values are are actually healthy. I think its because if you question it you're killing the "dream" as it were, and you're essentially telling them the vulnerable state they feel in now, which a lot of us run from is where you have to stay because "hey, we're getting rid of your masculine dream now, there's no space for this in society anymore". However i feel that vulnerability IS the much harder, but more truthful route to inner strength.

@Herosoyyo2 Жыл бұрын

Well sure, that's part of it, but I don't think it's good practice to ascribe other people's resistance (when you explicitly set out to tear down their value systems) just to fear or attachment. People adopt their ideals because they see something in there, whether they can verbalize it or not; I'm not sure you're leaving any space here for the good in masculinity. If you think of anything as archetypal as "masculinity" or "femininity" and only negative associations come to mind, you're absolutely missing part of the picture. I agree that strength is found through weakness and vulnerability, and I do think people understand and practice that to a reasonable degree. But a common mistake men make, emotional intelligence being a more traditionally feminine virtue, is to just push their weakness around until they lose sight of it instead of seeking to understand it at its root. I say that cause I've done it. It's easy to think you've done the work and you're a better person now when you achieve the specific result you set out for, even if you brute-forced it through emotional repression or self-deception of some kind. I don't think meditation, self-love, and working with what you called "vulnerability" are usually seen as masculine things, but people certainly recognize the virtues they produce as masculine. Everybody knows Dr. K is a chad. We're all a little bit lost as to which way we should get there, but we tend to admire people with genuine virtues worth admiring.

@nstitches Жыл бұрын

Do you speak from experience?

@TheNynax Жыл бұрын

Given how many female content creators are making "where are all the real men?" style posts right now...I'd say there's still a ton of demand for the "masculine dream." At least from a woman's perspective for what she considers attractive. The struggle is THAT masculine dream is often a nerve wracking tightrope for men to walk because they are expected to be both the old and the new. Confidant, determined, and capable but also emotional, vulnerable, and empathic. Except, never TOO vulnerable, never TOO empathic, never TOO emotional. "Confidence is sexy" is the number one driving factor for how men are expected to handle relationships, so of course what you get is a range of men that run from vulnerability to varying degrees. More often than not, open vulnerability is simply not rewarded with positive outcomes.

@shinzontheta Жыл бұрын

@@TheNynax this is why I think alot of the "new" thinking on this stuff is a scam. I judge people by what they do rather then what they say....everything seems more truthful that way.

@WapitalismandWreedom Жыл бұрын

The resistance comes from men usually when women tell them that behaving like a man is toxic and they should just adopt more female traits. In condescending and also DOES NOT WORK

@leifdux7277 Жыл бұрын

My maladaptations were the following things to become, I guess “independent": - Closing off from my emotions and people by numbing myself through binge gaming. - Exercising a lot to stay in that flight or flight high. - Placing a facade that I am always fine and nothing phases me. - Turning to “positive vibes” and mindset to avoid sadness. - Using Law of Attraction to “change my inner state” and being stubborn not acknowledging my sadness. I still struggle with opening up with sadness ehe…

@JonathanTash Жыл бұрын

With the exception of hiding from my sadness and emotions, I feel like I do those things. I don't see what's wrong with exercising to feel better. I sure don't know what else I'd do. I also feel trapped and so have been playing a lot of games lately. My job as a cashier can be fun too though, so maybe I should just work more hours since I at least get paid to do that.

@leifdux7277 Жыл бұрын

@@JonathanTash Awesome! I guess for me, the problem arose when I thought these were 'tools' for coping mechanisms (such as past traumas), but in actuality I used it as a numbing tool to not make me look at problems / improvements I want to do in life. It made me not see of my problems because I thought the "maladaptations" we all-in-one solutions to life and I didn't recognize what I was doing until someone pointed out to me that I was not even attempting to fix my problems. It's scary cause for me, it became something like this: (As an example) "Oh, your parents got divorced at a young age, and you got bullied at school? Don't worry, meditation, LoA and lots of exercise is all you need."

@imacds Жыл бұрын

Keep in mind that independence REQUIRES a support network. A job isn't the only part to being independent. Developing a robust support network comprised of multiple UNRELATED individuals (friends and family and partner are the usual 3 groups to choose from, though you could probably find multiple sub-groups in either if the other is lacking) is a critical component of independence, as otherwise you risk one bad family member or one bad relationship or one bad friendship completely destroying your life. And sure you aim to provide for yourself while you have work, but what will you do if your work decides to fire you? Being able to rely on others on fair terms is very important.

@NicholasPR Жыл бұрын

I think it depends on where you look, because I've seen plenty of messaging that implies that masculinity in itself is toxic, which is absolutely false - and I've also seen women shit on men en masse (and be applauded for it) in a way where if the tables were turned, nobody would stand for it. That is wrong too, and I think much of the anger comes from unresolved trauma. When I think of healthy masculinity, I think of the man who runs the academy where I train in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Muay Thai. He's fairly stoic and focused, but also good-humored. He is critical but also patient and encouraging. And more than anything else, he has the kind of calmness that comes from the knowledge that he can absolutely destroy anybody in a physical conflict. He can protect anyone in a way that very few are able. We need more healthy father figures in our world, because an absent father figure is harmful to both boys and girls and they often grow into confused and conflicted adults who struggle in life and act out that absence in different unconscious ways. I would also caution about discouraging naturally-showing masculine traits in boys, which is no more healthy than discouraging naturally-showing feminine traits.

@AnonymousOnimous Жыл бұрын

Woman here: I got a great story for this! *Gender roles are a double edged sword.* My Grandpa Ed was a good man. He worked in local government organizing public works projects in the 1930s-60s. He made middle class money. Grandma Jane also worked - in the roles she was allowed to - as a librarian and a teacher. She couldn't make much money. Now my aunties really, really wanted their own rooms. They were 7 years apart and jealous of my dad who had his own room. My older aunty put pressure on Grandpa Ed to add a bedroom to the house. Being a naïve and immature kid, she made it about "Why don't you make more money Dad?" Think about how that might have made Grandpa Ed feel. He was a good man by all standards of the time. He was providing by doing good work. And yet, the gender roles of the time places the majority of the responsibility for the family's finances on him. Think about how that might have made Grandma Jane feel. She got a lot of crap as a librarian and a teacher - I'm talking actual verbal/emotional abuse from students. She just wasn't respected in her lower-paid, "feminine" jobs. The gender roles of the time barred her from making more money. So yes, gender roles cut both ways.

@thedovahkiin7896 Жыл бұрын

I'm very thankful for this video for a number of reasons. One important thing I took from your view on this topic is that genders tend to judge themselves just as harshly. So far it seemed to me like you tend to judge men way harsher than women. For example if women complain a certain trait about men you tend to accept it more than the other way around. BUT after watching this video I might have misjudged some things. You explained that gender issues are way more complex than most people want to believe. I still kinda feel like men get treated more harshly in many vids but that might also be due to the fact that we tend to focus on men on this channel.

@HibiTeamQueso Жыл бұрын

Masculinity can't be toxic by definition. Masculine traits are ALL good. It's like calling intelligence toxic, that doesn't make sense. Arrongance may come with high intelligence. But the problem is arrongance, not the intelligence itself. The same applies to masculinity.

@fermy7419 Жыл бұрын

Masculinity can be toxic. It can be misused to take advantage of others and to put them down. The tool is being used for toxic scenarios which makes it toxic. If you use the tool positively, then it will be positive masculinity.

@Folkeregor Жыл бұрын

Uncle Iroh from Avatar: the Last Airbender is a top tier example

@BbBb-sd2bs Жыл бұрын

A fictional character ?! JESUS take the wheel and drive us off a cliff..

@BartyTheParty Жыл бұрын

Lol I was once judged by another guy for not being masculine because I cross my legs when I sit sometimes. 🤣 I'm like " Is there nothing to be said for casual comfort?"

@alliu6562 Жыл бұрын

I’ve kinda noticed that toxic masculinity is a culture of deprivation. “Don’t do this don’t do that” type of thing. Like “don’t have feelings” “don’t be a coward” “don’t be weak” “don’t be ‘a woman’” etc etc etc. I think healthy masculinity is choosing to do affirmative things instead, or at least, approaching things in a personal and affirmative way. If you want to be a protector, you should do it because you want to protect others, not because you’re afraid that you’re not manly enough if you don’t. Toxic masculinity is fear and deprivation. Healthy masculinity is acceptance. It’s almost a little bit funny (as a trans guy) that even cis guys are now experiencing what can basically be described as gender dysphoria because it’s impossible to completely meet the societal standards or masculinity. Welcome to the club of “people using your gender as a way to attack you personally for a failing that isn’t your own fault”.

@zsemma6599 Жыл бұрын

Thank you for being a healthy role model for boys and men, Dr. K!

@fermy7419 Жыл бұрын

Ive been actively working on a video essay to do with masculinity and positive masculinity and am so glad you made this video. You were on my list of male role models in my life along with Uncle Iroh, my brothers, and Aragon from Lord of the Rings, so seeing this video is extremely encouraging. Im glad that some young men have been able to recognize the toxicity of some of the ideas that are being shared on the internet as of late and glad you could shed light on the situation. Ill definitely be referencing this video a lot over the course of my project.

@samuelgiraudo8748 Жыл бұрын

I'm only half way through, but so far this has been an insightful and nuanced take on the pressures we can feel based on our gender. Really interesting stuff! Thanks for making it :)

@julietijerina8176 Жыл бұрын

I think you nailed what "toxic" masculinity is when you said it's an exaggeration of masculine traits. That really rings true. Men that can embody their OWN masculinity are attractive. Not the puffed up, ego-driven version of it that is really a mask for insecurity. Self-sufficiency is an excellent foundation on which to build. It breeds self-esteem and personal accountability, which you have to have to maintain relationships. Work relationships, romantic relationships, friends. It doesn't matter. If you are insecure, you can't maintain intimacy. Either because you can't enforce your own boundaries or you're trying to control others.

@mosselyn5081 Жыл бұрын

Brilliant video, thank you! Everything you said here resonates strongly with my experiences. I am probably much older than most of your audience (60), so I have seen and lived a lot of the ongoing gender role evolution. Starting from my dad saying it's a waste of money to send a girl to college because they'll just get married and waste it, and my mom being super negative about men being "househusbands" supported by their wives, to where we are today. I lament the sort of "armed camp" vibe from factions of both (all?) genders, but I am optimistic it's still a phase we're passing through on the way to a healthier place for all genders.

@Turamwdd Жыл бұрын

Will such a place be healthier? We already know that people are significantly less happy than they were so it is interesting that you believe we are making things better with changes.

@mosselyn5081 Жыл бұрын

@@Turamwdd It will be healthier than hyping up our differences instead of our similarities, IMO. I don't think the "a woman's place is in the home, washing dishes and making babies" approach was better or happier, for anyone except the men. You're welcome to a different opinion, but I'm hanging on to mine.

@Thungon Жыл бұрын

Starting with the segment at 19:29, Dr. K considers independence (i.e. keeping yourself and your house clean especially) and responsibility to be the two most important elements of modern masculinity. Jordan Peterson's first rule is to "Stand up straight with your shoulders back" and "Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping", both tying into responsibility and the confidence to achieve that. JP's sixth rule is "Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world" (i.e. "Clean your room!") which is essentially Dr. K's whole spiel on keeping yourself and your house clean. Most of JP's rules could relate to either independence or responsibility. That's why people were/are drawn to him. I just found this interesting, how in line these ideas are to each other.

@chilanya Жыл бұрын

funny, as a girl i was always told to be (financially) independent and responsible and keep good hygiene. indeed those aren't specifically goals for men, just for everyone.

@korvmedmos979 Жыл бұрын

funny, when its a female problem you are saying it only applies to women

@korvmedmos979 Жыл бұрын

its such an overrepresentation that you dont know how it feels without being male :)

@maytheforcebewithyou2701 Жыл бұрын

I feel though we should be careful about single, personal examples, when thinking about an entire population. It might be you, but not the average. That's what studies on this stuff are useful for :)

@ysy_y Жыл бұрын

Yeah, I think an important piece often left out of the gender standards and “what does being a man/woman mean?” conversation is that most traits of being a good man/woman are traits that a good *human* probably has. Also, people tend to gloss over culture is a strong force in determining what an ideal “man/woman” is, and the primary reason one society views a “man” as one thing is because they went through different historical and cultural events. In some cultures, financial independency is not necessarily tied to living on your own (cultures where it's the norm to live at home to your mid-late 30's or beyond for example), whereas in many modern cultures those two things are part and parcel, and living at home as a man might be considered a personal failure, which might not be the case.

@_Lumiere_ Жыл бұрын

But you were most likely never told to become financially independent so that you can provide for a woman.

@Barons_Trash_Heap Жыл бұрын

I used to be a very vulnerable child before around middle school, where being that way was a danger to me. So I adopted tough masculinity to protect myself from people in my school. (I had moved states in-between middle school so it was hard to get used to different cultures) so because of that I never appreciated my natural masculinity because I had to wear it like a safety blanket in all situations, even with friends. Only recently like a few weeks recently, have I dropped the veil and mask of toughness and manliness to show my true softer and more feminine nature that I actually felt comfortable presenting and being. It took a lot of life experiences, homelessness, living in stores, losing close friends and consistent state hopping due to work to finally feel safe enough and confident enough to just be me, so with that I've embraced the gender neutral me that I always wished I felt safe enough to just be, but now I'm older and capable of handling my business and convictions, and I haven't been happier before this, but! With this new self acceptance I've also been relearning to enjoy my masculinity the way I was always supposed to, on my own accord, my way

@mkmasterthreesixfive Жыл бұрын

One thing I remember from an old Biology class I had that was related to the subject... if you'd like some context, I went to a low income high school with metal detectors. Our teacher one day was doing a class on sexual dimorphism found in nature and we had a decent bit of downtime. To be more to the point, eventually a few kids got the teacher to do a quick quiz. She asked us: "You are all now lottery winners. You have more money than you could ever use in 5 lifetimes, and your mother's birthday is soon. What do you buy for her?" Every last guy straight up said they're buying their mom a house. The girls of the class however, were saying things like vacations to the Bahamas and Japan and all sorts of.. personal experience things. Things that you think back to 15 years ago and say "Oh it was so great to be there with Josephine it was so cool".

@bremcurt9514 Жыл бұрын

Do you think that has anything to do with sexual dimorphism?

@laxfan1238 Жыл бұрын

A house bring alot of comfort and seeing my mom work 12 hour days i want to help pay off things so she doesnt have to work so much. A vacation is a good memory yes, but a house provides comfort that a vacation cant buy. And a vacation comfort doesnt last long.

@bremcurt9514 Жыл бұрын

@@laxfan1238 Yeeee, I'd buy my mom a house anytime I could. I'm sure my sis feels the same way about it though

@botskikawottski1337 Жыл бұрын

living in a house for 15 years >>>>>>>> thinking back of a cool vacation in 15 years

@CrimsonVrs Жыл бұрын

Males - resolution of an issue. Females - a nice experience.

@shawntco Жыл бұрын

I think the incessant disclaimers are necessary, at least on the internet, because 1) if you don't, people just assume the worst of you and 2) it makes it so you're not so easily clipped and taken out of context by those who would dishonestly use what you say. The internet has a huge problem of people arguing deceptively and in bad faith. The overall goal isn't to find truth, it's to dunk on the other team.

@Drums_of_Liberation Жыл бұрын

You can still get clipped out of context even with disclaimer. Better to just leave them out and say what you got to say. Life doesn't give you a disclaimer when it's your turn to get hit in the balls with an obstacle.

@alvaradoac21 Жыл бұрын

The fact that the question “can masculinity be healthy” is a relevant topic a huge statement about the state of Western society at the moment. People are usually sooner to blame masculinity in general rather than to attempt to make any distinction between individuals.

@Conanraul Жыл бұрын

There will never be videos about toxic femininity and misandry . I personally couldn't care less for myself since I am doing great in life but imagine you are telling some 5 year old kid that he's toxic just because he is displaying NORMAL male kid behaviour that he wants to play & spar with his friends . Even something as ''toxic'' as fighting is a great thing growing up for men and can be done via sports like wrestling but if you take all those male dominant activities away then you will have kids becoming confused and wanting to unalive themselves cuz they can't regulate their emotions and feel missunderstood cuz everyone is telling them to act feminine/stop behaving like a ''toxic man''. Hell,remove even the word man from that equation and look at how people treat people with adhd/autism and how they want to actually put them all down and eradicate them/have all peers hate on them just because they are different

@kattodoggo3868 Жыл бұрын

@@Conanraul toxic masculinity is not what you described. It's not two boys getting into a fight. Although don't say that's healthy. Since when agression is healthy?

@holymacarenafin2319 Жыл бұрын

This is one way modern feminist try to take control over men. Won't work but thats why. Im not saying men dont have shit to fix but cmon

@MuttonErase Жыл бұрын

i feel like its more so the way the term "toxic masculinity" is framed. Another commenter mentioned that on cinema therapy, the host calls it "limiting masculine beliefs" because it helps people understand what hes saying better. With "toxic masculinity" men may incorrectly assume that the individual speaking means that masculinity as a whole is toxic, when in reality most of the time, they just mean that a specific belief or behaviour tied to traditional masculinity is problem. For instance, grit determination and persistence are positive traits of traditional masculinity but dealing with all of your problems with violence is a negative trait and would be a limiting masculine belief. Am I making sense to you?

@Conanraul Жыл бұрын

@@kattodoggo3868 ''Toxic masculinity is not what you described'' ''Fighting = aggresion = not healthy'' So,if atleast 50-60% of kids would want to practice SAFE fighting (if you think wrestling is ''aggresive'' then you are delusional) then they would still be seen as mentally unstable due to social norms from people acting exactly like you do,making said kids think there's something wrong with them for wanting something that has been normal since the dawn of time - > practicing sports/practicing safe fighting with friends instead of actually beating each other up for real . Not all forms of fighting are 2 guys beating each other outside a bar

@hollowmajin5146 Жыл бұрын

not only is it healthy, it is necessary to being the best man you can be.

@alecrochon3531 Жыл бұрын

But what does it mean to be the best man I can be?

@michajastrzebski4383 Жыл бұрын

@@alecrochon3531 what benefits you the most.

@elizastar6544 Жыл бұрын

Why did you delete the last video about toxic family's? I sow that it came out but then you deleted it, and I wanted to watch it...

@WhchOneIsMe Жыл бұрын

Oh weird, I really liked that one

@oyfum2638 Жыл бұрын

Chances are, prolly got taken down by KZbin or something stupid 🤣.

@elizastar6544 Жыл бұрын

@@oyfum2638 KZbin be taking down videos for no reason...

@wardenprinny5367 Жыл бұрын

I thought the same since it was privated maybe it may get put up at a later time or just needs some editing to be put up

@elizastar6544 Жыл бұрын

@@wardenprinny5367 Yeah, I hope he'll just added it and then post it again

@thecaptain3594 Жыл бұрын

I gotta say, I was pleasantly surprised by this video. I came into it ready to be pissed, because I am so used to the voices who are so pathologically anti-male and shame men for the mere fact of their existence. But that was not what this was at all; it was a very reasonable and well thought out approach. So many times, when broaching the topic of toxic masculinity, the speaker takes the approach of, "masculinity is not bad, just toxic masculinity is bad," but then proceed to label all masculine behavior as toxic, so the result is still the same. It is nice to hear an actual good take on the subject for a change.

@arnaldo8681 Жыл бұрын

I dont think we got more independent as a species. Quite the contrary. People were able to survive and thrive in groups of hundreds. Today my survival is dependent on the work of millions of people, that produce and bring to my house food, water, medicine etc The difference is that we no longer consider the people we depend on part of our community. We no longer do the work necessary for their survival out of a sense of duty, or because we care about them. We do it because we want money. This means they dont need to worry as much about what we think about their behavior. Because as long as they can still pay for our services we will probably continue providing them

@demial4 Жыл бұрын

I hope there aren't too many men who experience distress after taking this in. It can be hard when you're suddenly not sure who you are. You got this, guys❤

@mandymartin5034 Жыл бұрын

Absolutely!! As a female growing up in super agressive/ abusive patriarchal society. I adopted a mask that viewed men as non human. So afraid of getting hurt I lived my life as an alpha cuz that’s what we’re taught. I’m a heavy equipment operator in a coal mine and a fitness model ….. I am discriminated against and exist in toxic masculine environment. This recent stint I started looking into masculinity and found men deal with so much. I was more open. I never took a moment to look at how men experience this society and world. I’m a woman. How would I have any idea unless Intentionally setting out to understand in such a triggered world. But I did …. It is a human experience ….. while so many think men and females are two different entities and unfortunately many believing one is superior. But that hurt and trauma as I now understand…. We are collectively dealing with past patriarchal social constructs that no longer serve either sex. We are dealing with the human ness component and our lack of attention in such. We have a ways to go. But I am thankful with the newly trauma informed society as well as the sharing of our own stories that we will reach an understanding and point of empathy and connection and change can occur. 💖 I now rally for the men as well as the women. They are not my enemy. They are my brothers in this old construct but new world and demand. We need to go back to the drawing board. When things fail that’s what we do. Why not with this? Jussss sayinnn 💖💖💖 I see you and I am hopeful for the change. we need more than one ant to do it …. But it’s coming. 💯💯💯😊

@michajastrzebski4383 Жыл бұрын

you state that masculinity is toxicity, yet you claim to be for us men? Are you really? Or are you trying to have men be what YOU EXPECT them to be, so that its nice and good for YOU?

@thewizard1 Жыл бұрын

@@michajastrzebski4383 ok

@hallamshire Жыл бұрын

Bi-Sexual woman here - when it comes to who I would consider for a life partner, the biggest thing is that I want to be with someone who wants to be with me... not who NEEDS to be with me. I want someone who is independent and responsible (man, woman, or non binary) who is able to have a stale life on their own but chooses to give up some of that freedom to make a life together... because I would be giving up some independence and freedom too. But I don't want to be told what independence I will have to give up... that should be a decision we make together for the health of the relationship. So I 100% agree with Dr K here.

@syst3m08 Жыл бұрын

23:50 I'm nonbinary, and when I was thinking about the concepts of masculinity and femininity, I couldn't really pinpoint a character trait that a man could have that I wouldn't appreciate in a woman. Most things just boil down to being a good person. Obviously society will try to focus on certain traits/behaviors, but when I clicked on this video I was wondering if Dr. K would reach this kind of conclusion as well. My growth as a person and unpacking what I really identify with masculinity and femininity and my peers through experience and discussion with friends led me to finding nonbinary (more specifically demiboy) as an identity that is fulfilling to every aspect of my life. It definitely comes with it's own set of expectations from society (which Dr. K goes into a bit later in the video), but I'm much happier with myself and where I am then before.

@MuttonErase Жыл бұрын

Yeah I find it to be the same. There's different parts of masculinity and femininity that are good and would be generally useful to everyone in the different circumstances they find themselves in. Like as a guy being able to understand your emotions and identify why you're feeling a certain way helps you to figure out a way to deal with it. (much more than just knowing that you feel like shit and dont know why you feel like shit). tbh its just interesting to see other people that have a similar view to me on this topic.

@Darth_Insidious Жыл бұрын

I'm a guy and every ideal I would expect of myself I would value in someone regardless of gender. I work out, build my career, keep tabs on my mental state, cook my favorite food, build skills, socialize, lead when needed, and communicate my feelings to people I'm close to. All of these I would find to be admirable traits in anybody.

@SemekiIzuio Жыл бұрын

And that's why masculinity and femininity are energies reside both within one person regardless of gender. Also I do agree emotional maturity is a thing that both men and women should have especially of the older age.