I'm Not Masculine Enough

[@CapsLock959]

"Real confidence, real belief in yourself, comes from surviving failure. NOT succeeding." Damn, that hit hard.

[@andybreadley429]

Either my understanding of "failure" is far off or maybe I didn't actually "survive" considering that I gained almost no confidence from my past failures.

[@werrkowalski2985]

That's actually pretty accurate, but you need to improve enough on your failures.

[@-zentheintergalacticninja6568]

Dr. K says amazing stuff, but this is too much for me to believe, it just doesn't make sense. - "Man, I tried to get in 120 times, i seriously hope i don't fall out this time..." - "Oh really? I got in at first try!" Which one feels more confident about themselves? No one would feel confident after failing that many times man, even if you finally succeed...

[@biggibbs4678]

This isn't true at all. Confidence comes from success, that's how something becomes normal and achievable. Failure is just the grunt work on the way to success, nothing more. He's just trying to justify negative experiences by saying they add value to your life, but that's not the reality. Sometimes shit just happens for no good reason and you just have to get through it.

[@scoutbane1651]

@@andybreadley429 I think it isnt intrinsic to failure that you come out of it confident, but if you overcome having a lack of self-worth and get confidence I do think that confidence is pretty hard to lose after, unlike confidence gained from having everything handed to you in life. Wouldn't know though, still working on that bit. Just an observation from other people.

[@Mo7340RR]

“Trying to live your life based on generalizations is generally a bad idea”

[@makkerfelix]

thats funny, but its still true

[@trephix]

a true paradox

[@blackcitadel37]

kek

[@spacker69]

eh, all things in moderation-including moderation

[@davidmachado132]

@@trephix I think it means that most of the time, thinking about how things generally are instead of looking for the specifics is a bad idea, but sometimes it's ok. Its not really paradoxical from a logical point of view, as you may simply think that the quote itself is one of those exceptions.

[@Sahdirah]

“Women aren’t Pokémon, you can’t attract them all” THANK. YOU.

[@Relhio]

But being a certain way will sure as hell help you attract a larger percentage.

[@b1zzler]

you can get damn close if you tick a certain number of boxes that 90% are looking for

[@Balloonbot]

@@b1zzler Are 90% of men into the same type of girl? Is that why there's so many guys complaining about not finding one?

[@legzfalloffgirl5148]

Hardy Har-har-har!!!!😹😹😹

[@b1zzler]

@@nitewarden lol no there is no cheat code for dudes, it's largely genetics/luck and most men are aware of this. For top 0.01% of men though, that 90% stat is realistic, those dudes can just pick any girl they want.

[@MinCalm]

With the subject matter, the timestamp called "breeding insecurity" killed me. Like, are we breeding insecurity or are we insecure about being breedable.

[@CordovanSplotchVT]

Coomerism has infected our minds.

[@spacker69]

homie you need to touch grass lmao. come on, ill do it with you.

[@holisticsapien7466]

hahaaa

[@draggedindespair]

That’s a good one.

[@emiki6]

"trying to live your life by generalization is generally a bad idea" is also somewhat hillarious. :D

[@raihu8743]

"NO DATING NO DATING NO DATING WHY ARENT YOU MARRIED??" made me chuckle ngl

[@pricklycats]

Literally my Christian parents in a nutshell lol

[@aig5429]

I was raised Christian nothing wrong with it but I wasn't allowed to date so I'm screwed as an adult I got too comfortable playing video games and being lazy

[@Wanderer2035]

I gave up on women. You just run in circles if you try to get with one

[@TheOldBeef]

@@aig5429 sounds like there was something wrong with it

[@Dafreshcut]

I'm in that same boat. My dad always ticks me off saying "Real men would go out looking for women, not stay inside playing videogames". It's such a dumb statement and it only makes me mad, not determined...

[@GSPV33]

Men, I'd like to leave you with one thought. A "true man", by your own standards, isn't the guy who shames you at the gym or laughs at someone for trying. It's the guy that comes over, talks to you in a friendly way, encourages and lifts you up for getting started and facing your fears, and offers to give you advice and encourage you in any way he can if you'd like it. A man isn't dominating, a man is uplifting. A man isn't pushing others down the hill to feel above, he's lifting others up because he wants others to feel the health and confidence and joy he worked on to find in himself. Now think about the voice in you. The one that always questions whether what you're doing is masculine. Which voice is that? Is it actually a voice of masculinity, encouraging and uplifting you towards whatever your goals are? Or is it a voice of fear, insecurity, and shame, discouraging you for your interests, putting you down for not being who you think you should be, etc.? The point is this: there is nothing masculine in shaming yourself into trying to be masculine. A healthy man isn't one who shames himself into trying to meet an unreasonable standard of dominance all the time. The voice in your head is the OPPOSITE of healthy masculinity. It tears down, lies, demotivates and discourages. Don't listen to that voice that says "you aren't good enough." Find the voice that says "you can be whatever you want to be." Follow that voice until you find that it is YOUR voice - and then share it with others. In finding true, healthy masculinity, you can help others break out of shame and discover their own healthy confidence too. You've got this, kings & queens. Remember, if you wouldn't talk to a loved one that way, don't talk to yourself that way. Be your own biggest fan, motivator, and coach. **Become the father to yourself that you always would've wanted.**

[@thenonartist4366]

Damn, I needed this comment right now. Thank you

[@GSPV33]

@TheNonArtist Hope you're holding up alright, mate.

[@criticaledition9199]

Idk if this translate to most irl situations but okay

[@GSPV33]

@Critical Edition I agree it was dramatic. Here's a more practical example: Being courageous isn't being fearless. It's being afraid, and doing it afraid anyway. Likewise, being strong isn't *not having weaknesses.* It's being okay with your weaknesses. It sounds contradictory - wouldn't I just stay weak if I am okay with it? - but accepting your weaknesses is actually what opens you up to growing stronger. The opposite, shaming yourself into being more manly, actually pushes you deeper into dysfunction, like an abusive father. Can a man who cannot accept weakness at all protect or encourage vulnerable people around him? Can he be an inspiring father to a son whose weaknesses he can't accept? If he motivates himself through hating weakness, and hating himself, he actually can't lead or be an example of strength. So in your life, practice forgiving and accepting yourself for your weaknesses, and then encourage yourself. Ask yourself what the ideal fatherly man would do - how he would inspire and lift you up - and then be that to yourself. That is practical, something you can practice every day. And the better you get at it, the more you can encourage others in need, too.

[@criticaledition9199]

@@GSPV33 empty platitudes

[@filipzuzo6901]

I strongly feel that even though "not caring" seems like a strength, it's more like an act of avoidance. Actually strong personality listens to people but is not affraid to have an opinion. Therefore not giving a f is flight strategy. Not predators but prey. Caring what people say about you without being fragile and insecure seems stronger.

[@HaxeHere]

I think it depends on your mentality. If you don't give a fuck just because you're sick of hearing other people's opinions it sounds more like avoidance, not giving a fuck because you are confident in yourself and what you're doing is strength.

[@omarcomming722]

@@HaxeHere And can easily also be stupidity and arrogance because chances are, if most people are telling you one thing and your stubborn ego is going the other way, you just might be in the wrong.

[@filipzuzo6901]

@@HaxeHere Sure. And I am absolutely behind not basing your decisions on whoever has opinion on you. But imagining someone is affraid what people think. It's different. It's callous I would say. "I shut off everyone, but inside I don't have my own opinion."

[@raze956]

@@omarcomming722 except that most people have no clue what is right for you, so listening to others and caring what they think is right will get you nowhere. at least my life improved vastly when i stopped caring what every idiot thinks. the only concern i have is, do i reach my goals? what others approve of or not isnt interesting at all. living your life by what other ppl tell you is insecurity incarnate.

[@Gokai_]

'Not caring' is really a hard topic because it is describes more the outcome than the process. If I am confident and know what I am and what I want, and I have a confrontation with someone who disagrees, the right thing to do is listen and think about the opinion of the opposite. You can then explain yourself and have a serious discussion. But in the end, depending on the discussion itself, if you were not be able to convince the other person and still stand at your point, you can kindly not care. Because you still think you do the right thing in your mind and you have the right to continue with it. Same goes to the other person. You don't need to reconsider anything just because one person disagreed. Yet, that totally doesn't mean you are always right and should ignore every critique coming at you. And finding the right balance of considering the thoughts of others and ignoring ones you find are not right, is the true thing to chase.

[@xXx_Regulus_xXx]

I think "stop caring" is just bad phrasing even if the intent is good. "stop letting random third-party remarks/opinions/attitudes steal your joy or rob you of your confidence" is closer but it's not exactly bumper sticker material. I think OP is right to desire more confidence and desirability, especially through cultivating more mental resilience. "being more masculine" is a fine goal for a young man as long as you don't fall into the trap of slavishly mimicking some self-help guru's advice or acting out of fear.

[@TMKing_MS]

It's not as simple as "stop caring", for sure. But if a person were to take any blurb away from this video, it's hard to be more concise and direct.

[@xXx_Regulus_xXx]

@@TMKing_MS for someone like OP, that's definitely true. After a weird personal experience irl lately I've learned some people are really naive and take it at face value if it isn't spelled out more.

[@littlegreenclementine]

I think a better quip is "start caring about what you think" which isn't the opposite or exclusive of "caring about what other people think".

[@slowfudgeballs9517]

I think you hit the nail. You get it, you'll be fine. :)

[@xXx_Regulus_xXx]

@@littlegreenclementine I like that a lot

[@TumblinWeeds]

Dude, look. You hear about how cool it is to not care…know what that actually looks like? I didn’t care as a teen. I walked around in $5 sweaters and baggy pants that often had stains. I always had greasy hair and usually had bad breath because I didn’t shower or moderate my use of garlic. I slouched my back. My hair was a bowl cut and I didn’t give an f. I never washed my shoes. I didn’t talk to most people because I didn’t care about making a good impression. The people I talked to I said *exactly* what I thought. I had exactly 0 friends. And A LOT of enemies. People thought I was both a train wreck and an arrogant asshole. THIS is what happens when you actually don’t give a fuck. There’s a reason people do give a fuck. It’s because it fucking works.

[@the_markoman]

I feel this advice is often misinterpreted. When a person is told to not care what other people think, they often assume this means they should become cold and uncaring for other people's feelings and thoughts. What I personally would consider the better interpretation is that you should shamelessly be yourself. Yeah you're an emotional person, so what? Don't let anyone tell you that you're wrong for being that way. If being emotional is a big part of who you are, embrace it and improve yourself by using that trait in positive ways.

[@Kaliburrrr]

spent 19 years of my life heavily bullied by my brother, and under pressure from my family that sent me bouncing from cold to overemotional. At the end of the line this seems apparent but I remember when something like this wasn't even in consideration for me. This is the part where not caring what people think are important. if I didn't constantly put myself in position to be domineered by their opinions maybe this trauma would be non-existent.

[@werrkowalski2985]

But there is also an assumption here that people want to be themselves, and that is often not true. People often don't want to be themselves because they think they have some flaw, or problem, and it is often true even if they may wrongly diagnose the problem. That is why the advice is pretty stupid.

[@the_markoman]

@@werrkowalski2985 If I were to look at your wording. "People often don't want to be themselves because they think they have some flaw, or problem." What I'm noticing here is that people don't want to be themselves because they identify with their flaws. I am fat, I am unlovable, I am stupid etc. Dr. K himself has shown in some meditations, that if you take a moment to empty your thoughts, you realize that you're just you - not a list of traits. There's a big difference between thinking 'I am flawed' and 'I have flaws'. One of these perspectives leads people to think that the solution is to not be themselves, while the other leads to the solution to self-improve. Understanding yourself does not exclude making positive changes as well.

[@GSPV33]

@@Kaliburrrr I hear you. It's hard. The crux of this whole discussion is that we we should care what others think and feel -- empathy and care in relationships are the richness of life, and no one should be sociopathic or arrogant -- but we also should be willing to value our own opinion and our own feelings and well being enough to discard the feelings of others sometimes. But we're thoughtful people. We don't want to numb ourselves to the thoughts of others, for fear that we'll become cold and arrogant like those who have hurt us, and hurt others in turn; or for fear that we'll simply blind ourselves to our own flaws. We want to improve, but we also want to love ourselves as we are. Seems like a paradox. For me, it helps to think of myself like my own child and my own parent. I can love myself unconditionally - but I can also want myself to grow and get better for my OWN sake, my own happiness, etc. You don't want to judge your kid so that they become impressive to massage your ego. But you do want to help them reach their goals so THEY are proud of themselves and can do things they enjoy. Try to treat yourself that way. Instead of being your own judge, be your own biggest fan, your own coach and mascot and teammate and cheerleader, someone who wants the best for yourself SO THAT you can feel as happy as you deserve to -- not so that you meet some arbitrary judgmental standard of who you "should be". Fundamentally, try to catch yourself when you're using shame to motivate yourself, stop, forgive yourself for it, and try using genuine exciting encouragement instead. Not "you shouldn't be afraid" but "you can be BRAVE if you want to. But you don't have to do anything you don't want to." You'll find it gets much easier. AND it prepares you for relationships with others, including being a loving parent, to help your child not face the same struggles you've fallen into.

[@Kaliburrrr]

@@GSPV33 genuinely, wise words. Thank you.

[@EvilShadex101]

I feel this way to an extreme. Literally feels like he’s talking about me. I went through borderline everything that the OP went through. Even now I still have a hard time with my masculinity and conveying sexual intention. Your childhood can really cripple you if you don’t experience certain things

[@TrishRowdy]

Consider that masculinity (or femininity) doesn't need to exist. Sure, there is a spectrum of masc and fem in terms of physical appearance, just what our brains recognize when we look at faces. But everything else, it's an empty concept. As long as you take care of yourself, your mental health and do things you want bit by bit, you'll be okay.

[@TMKing_MS]

Idk. I grew up without my father and I feel better off for it. However, my situation is of course different because my father would have been a negative influence on my life. I wasn't exactly the type of guy that could pull any girl, but I was fortunate enough to develop enough emotional intelligence to compensate for my obvious lack of "masculinity", at least in the traditional sense.

[@TheMeetymeet]

@@TMKing_MS From experience, you get it from those others that carry masculinity. Something you could deem as a father figure, a brother, and/or a friend that's willing to take on the frontlines with a good amount of integrity.

[@Balloonbot]

Its very possible to heal from anything lacking in your childhood

[@charlesblasini2134]

@@TMKing_MS i absolutely agree with you. It doesn't take a father to teach a man to be a man and sometimes, a bad father can hurt that progress more than no father at all. I was fortunate to have both a strong father and a strong man role model in my life.

[@kurtwinchell]

I'm a little older than most here, at 43, but I've absorbed too much from society, and a lifetime of isolation, and I still struggle with a lot of these things. There's so much to handle these days if you have zero support system, no physician for 20 years, and no mental health professional. People tell me "don't worry about the cost, don't let money stop you" what does that mean? Stiff every Dr in town until you're blacklisted? I had next to no adult modeling in my childhood, raised by a single working mom in the 80s.

[@GSPV33]

Sorry to hear all that, mate. Do know that, as Dr. K said, catching up is actually astoundingly quick. You'll be amazed at how much progress you can make with reading healthy books, talking to people, being honest with others and yourself. You can learn and heal so much REMARKABLY quickly.

[@WTFIWFYDB]

Below average card's. But here are your advantages 1. First World country citizenship. A lot of people are desperate to get a green card to work a shitty american job because it's still better than what they have at home 2. Historic period. Look at our past there were children in coalmines 100 years ago, famine, diseases and high child mortality. 3. You have the access and found source of high quality information the will help you get better. Don't let the entitlement lead you to believe that you deserve something just for being, don't let the lack of self-belief to think that you aren't capable of more.

[@GastNdorf]

Same experience except 32

[@iaamara8434]

you're 43 yo and all you wrote was complaints, no piece of advice, nothing

[@kurtwinchell]

@@iaamara8434 Thank you, Captain Obvious.

[@jin6000]

I only discovered this channel like a month ago and the HUGE difference it has made on my life already is immeasurable. Thank you SOOOOO much for your work. I appreciate it endlessly.

[@TamaTheKaiju]

"Confidence comes from failure." is completely misunderstanding the subject. Failure MUST be followed by success within a REASONABLE amount of time and effort, and that amount largely depends on the person, but objectively, it's going to be, "Before the person feels they've wasted their life trying." A person can only take so much failure before they suffer traumatic psychological damage and enter a state of depression and despair, and that can vary depending on how much that thing that has been failed is valued not only by the person but also society. This just creates a new series of problems to overcome. And once you hit that point, you need therapy, and medication, and new methods of self-care, etc. At which point you've also become even more of a failure in your own eyes and in the eyes of many people, because let's face it, men are seen as less when we have emotional problems by society as a whole. Our problems are not simply tossed aside, but we are also ridiculed for them. Especially emotional problems. There is a hard limit for EVERYONE where failure stops being a teacher and simply becomes a prison. And then there's the undisputable fact that *not everyone has or can get what they need to succeed*, especially with relationships, because while there are always other fish in the ocean, you can only ever fish for so many in your lifetime, and sometimes you just don't have the tools you need to go fishing.

[@stkslasher]

I relate on too many levels to this individual in the post. Although, I'm now 30 and I've been rejected every time somewhere between 50-55 different women. Friends of friends, co-workers, bars, dating apps, online games, classmates. Where is my confidence? When do I catch up? I've done nothing but study self improvement all of my 20's. Do something about it I have, plenty and then some. How much more patience am I supposed to have? I've reached the conclusion that I will not have a partner or family in this life. So exciting, can't wait to see what's in store for me!..... I appreciate the tips and advice Dr. But everything you've suggested has been applied and nothing but failure. 0 resentment towards anyone but myself. I'm the only one to blame for not being able to build social social skills whatsoever. Cannot shake being insanely awkward. Just the way she goes........

[@revoltoff]

Become muslim, a real muslim Allah swt will grant you a loving wife inshallah.

[@stkslasher]

@@revoltoff thank you for the considerate well meaning advice. No offense to your beliefs, but I seem to have developed a strong distrust towards any and all religions. In my eyes at this point from various experiences has now led me to strongly believe it is all made up fairy tales people use to control other people.

[@pabloescobar4029]

from a simplistic caveman analysis: 1. Ur too high stress which is unattractive. You gotta chill the fuck out 2. 50 women to be rejected by is not enough lol

[@marekbiakowski3472]

partner and family is overrated. who told you you need family?

[@kylespevak6781]

"Do it for you, not for them!" THANK YOU! I see too many people thinking "getting girls" is an outcome and trying to do everything to achieve that goal, instead of just enjoying their own lives, which makes them more attractive

[@LazarOrthodox04]

W+Based

[@painunending4610]

It doesn't necessarily make you more attractive

[@francisbuckingham7924]

You should become more masculine because it improves every aspect of your life tenfold. When you become a strong man you are confident in any situation your are thrown in

[@rexila]

Also. Desprite people fine other Desprite people and those are toxic

[@rexila]

​@@painunending4610 yes it does easly

[@javierquinterosurzua2767]

I feel people with no confidence think confidence is "having a certainty that you wont fail", and in my experience, confidence is VERY far away from that. Confidence, in my experience, is *knowing* that even if you fail in the most miserable way, you'll still recover and carry on, sometimes even becoming stronger/wiser for it. Also, it's sad seeing my hetero friends (to a lesser extent, gay friends as well...) trying so hard to be "masculine" for other people. Is like trying to put on a mask of someone you're not to have a partner, which whom you might spend the rest of your fucking life. Imagine spending your whole fucking life wearing a mask.

[@jamesgentry13]

The reason why I don't do things is I don't have confidence I'm scared to fail again. I was never taught how to learn from failure or bounce back. Also i dont trust myself and theres times i could look at instructions on how to put something together but i get lost and frustrated and dont even trust myself to do it right..... I tried telling my gf this but she rather say im.not motivated. It's not that I'm not motivated. I want to do things but I'm scared to screw it up or fail. If I knew how to do certain things just even the basics at least enough to build my confidence to do better then I would be super motivated and active and hard working

[@jamesgentry13]

If you're not born with confidence yiu don't stand a chance

[@sayonara963]

@@jamesgentry13 if i may ask, If u experience a failure or a regrettable mistake and actually feel like things are falling a part, what are you going to do about it? Like once u realized your situation, how r u going to respond to it? Of course, disappointments and other negative feelings will come in, but right now, im curious, if that could happen, what r u going to do despite it all?

[@Hemlocker]

That sums up confidence and how it's misunderstood extremely well.

[@Vannabee13]

@@jamesgentry13 no one is born with confidence. We all come into this world naked, afraid, and feeling highly vulnerable. The first thing a baby does when it's born is cry it's heart out and bawl like, well a baby. That was everyone at one point. From presidents, to millionaires, military soldiers, athletes, celebrities, they were all at some point a crying naked scared baby. Confidence is built with practice. No one just has it, they all had to learn it. Failure is a part of learning. You will do something terrible 100 times before you finally do it right. That goes for building confidence too. You'll fail at being confident and feel like a scared helpless mess before you finally don't. Start small, start with something simple like learning how to paint. You're first painting will look terrible, so will the second, but art isn't about doing it "right" and creative outlets are great ways to help build confidence because it's not strict.

[@zCrabOG]

I'm 27, studying computer engineering as well, just got my first girlfriend. Im the opposite of a macho. She digs it. Not everyone wants a super masculine man. The one thing that is a necessity though, be yourself and be honest. Never put up facade because you think it is what women want

[@SunIsLost]

yep

[@diarmuidkuhle8181]

It's also stupid to presume 'all women' want the same things in a partner, like they're all identical personalities. Pretty much the one and only thing that's universal is that people want a partner who genuinely loves them.

[@valentingartner3793]

How did you meet?

[@jasonDubbelU]

it depends on what you offer

[@r.d.6290]

"Not everyone wants a super masculine man" Most of them do. Also, girls' preferences change with age: some might be interested in nerdy cute guys in their college years, but then start preferring handsome yet hyper-masculine men in their 30s, especially the girls with "daddy issues".

[@PandaLuver1996]

That segment about confidence coming from adversity/failure really resonated with me. I am a first-gen South Asian woman, who never really did well in high school (I got consistent Cs and Bs in a lot of my AP/IB classes) and I went into pre-med even with my mediocre grades and *hated* it. Hated the environment, the pressure, the professors who cared less about your success and more about themselves, all of it. I ended up graduating with my fall-back major in a liberal arts subject and struggled to find work for a long time. This was all on top of dealing with complicated family dynamics (staying at home and being religiously abused). I finally got my shit together, got out, and worked a dead-end job to make ends meet, but I finally understand where the confidence comes from. I feel more assured in my choices, taking matters into my own hands and giving myself the freedom to choose what I want to study and pursue it wholeheartedly. Thanks for a really good segment :)

[@GSPV33]

Happy for you. It's hard to leave those situations, way too easy to get caught up in some idea of "success" or worthiness based on career or something like that while, in fact, almost no one around us cares about that. People want people they can be real with, be comfortable with, not idealized caricatures. We're the only ones sitting here enslaving ourselves to degrees and careers we hate because we judge ourselves as unworthy if we don't match them. Hope you're doing well through your current job and get some more stability soon. Keep after it. 👍

[@Bobylein1337]

"Chances are if you stop caring what other people think which you'll really become is an asshole" Thanks for that, have seen that happen to people I really liked before! And the "chads" I know in my life, who are also really good with women, all care what you think and will let you know that while being confident, there is no dichotomy there.

[@TruePeaceSeeker]

The mark manson book, I assume is Model, didn't enforce masculinity to be the main trait for attractiveness It actually tells you to be un needy, and the result are simply confident people that exerts high status and attractiveness. The book also tells you all of this can only be achieved by being honest with yourself, your intention, your action, AND your lifestyle So it actually encourage all manner of people to be attractive in their own way. To have a caring personality in a way is also a form of masculine attractiveness, as Dr. K stated a lot of women mainly cares on emotional connection. That is, as long as you can bare your truth and good values

[@Variety_Streams]

Mark manson’s book on dating, even though I only got through 1/4 of it since it mirrors so many themes worked on in session, is the second best option for anyone inexperienced in dating just behind therapy/rejection exposure

[@dvdv7777]

IIRC he (Mark Manson) used to be a pickup artist, but came to find himself feel utterly miserable from practicing all that pickup artistry. He then did a reset and rebuilt his life. This book is based on that.

[@zentanio]

One of those books where I actually remember the content after weeks of reading it and made an impact on my life. Mindblowing if I do say so myself

[@abrohamproductions8263]

Great book. Helped me embrace my interests again after 3 years of trying to blend in from trauma.

[@LordSerpent]

Yeah, I agree. As somebody who read Manson's book, it's fucking tragic that Dr. K completely missed out on every single point of this person's concerns and started a vicious takedown of toxic masculinity that wasn't even part of the question.

[@ronwisegamgee]

That bit about not feeling proud of my accomplishments hit me right in the gut. I hope Dr. K makes a video where he explores what causes people to not feel proud of their accomplishments and how to work that out.

[@Jakereisman11111]

I was once told by a woman that I wasn’t confident enough, and two months later I was told I was overconfident, so in the end I just smoke weed and play gran turismo

[@koenv.i.9188]

Sigma grindset

[@katarina2438]

women arent a hivemind, each every one has different taste, so you rbest shot is becoming how you love to be and then youll meet a woman who has that taste, instesad of trying to be a one size fits all women, you can't be that. Often anyway they dont know what they are saying and sometimes they use a different word for what they really mean. so , again, work to become what is your best and the right woman will love that

[@ayoutubecommenter7494]

That's worse than being either over or underconfident, you're just living a hedonistic life

[@joseph6243]

Recognize that women evaluate men based on their own subjective needs rather than any real objective criteria.

[@applesandgrapesfordinner4626]

It was just one lady out of thousands. There's other people out there who don't assume superficial traits for everything.

[@rubemkleinjunior237]

oh man... I went for that route of believing the priority for a woman was "being emotionally available". Blindly following that was a trap for me. I agree with what Doc says about generalizations and unrealistic role models. But often times if you can only bring "being emotionally available" to the table, and there's a bunch of basic stuff that make humans attracted to each other that's lacking, you're still getting screwed. So being tought the importance of striving for improvement of yourself, taking care of yourself yourself and others, having values and ethics that don't sway from pressure of others (and your loved ones some times), cleaning yourself and your surrounding, having an optimistic view of the future even in the face of adversity and disbelief. These are SUPER IMPORTANT!! People want to be around other people they admire, makes them feel great emotions. So getting to a healthy place, without unrealistic standards, of what makes you feel good about yourself is in the end what is going to make people want to stick around. Thanks doc... I could learn one thing or the other since I can identify, though I'm not 100% sold in some of the arguments around 16:00. As I said, there are basic stuff that people need to admire each other - which also depend on the people - then major characteristics can stand out.

[@TheNobleFive]

I'm really starting to understand how much I lucked out on the "masculine" topic. I would describe myself as a pretty average straight dude but I don't spend any time of day thinking about masculinity as a goal or topic or philosophy. I have like 2 or 3 traits some people would probably call feminine but I never cared and neither has anyone I've interacted with on a regular basis, including people in the military that I work with. It's just always been a non-issue.

[@makkerfelix]

same, ive never been thought of myself as masculine or feminine, im just Felix. Thanks parents for raising my right in that aspect

[@redcco3123]

@@makkerfelix Hi I am Marcus

[@itsKimovichlol]

I am also lucked out of masculine feminine thing topic, it only came around when I were just joking around, never really used these words outside of comedy so its so awkward to see it elsewhere

[@amarevanhook7453]

Facts

[@Kahhru]

@TheNobleFive what traits are those?

[@calacestar]

Recently a new coworker was employed to my company. I could've sworn he was gay because everything about him would've made you assume that. He had the most androgynous gestures, a very high pitched voice and talked like a stereotypical homosexual. Dude's got a beautiful/hot lookin GF and I was single my entire life 😂

[@giantpinkcat]

Only REAL men post their comments twice 😎💪

[@DJKidd301]

Doesnt mean he aint gay

[@nithi9638]

Sjdjdjdjd bi guys. Bi men. Plus for all you know that might even be a non binary person dating a pansexual. Soooo many options here. People prefer to not out themselves at work simply because it's noones business

[@Marcokalendileo]

@@DJKidd301 if he has a gf he aint gay, he is bi maybe, but beeing gay means you like your same sex

[@DJKidd301]

@@Marcokalendileo a bi person is still gay though

[@Lesandira]

"Living your life by generalizations is generally speaking a bad idea." - Perfect!

[@ManOfDeath567]

You know what? I needed this. Thank you so much. It's much better than the black pilled stuff I usually look at.

[@arvandor6820]

As a nerdy IT guy who was always short and fat and never popular, especially with women, used to be very shy about women, and has never been very masculine. I'm married to a gorgeous and amazing woman. It can happen! Have hope! I don't know how good the advice is, but I'd say the thing that helped me the most, was not only to work on yourself, but start practicing and meeting people NOW. After some life stuff, I was back living at home at 28, going to school, and even though I'd gotten into shape and had a good plan for myself, 28 and living at home made dating ultra difficult (first dates weren't too hard, but beyond that was a challenge). But I did it anyways, got more comfortable with it, and as my situation improved I started getting more dates. And more second and beyond dates. I'd get burnt out on it sometimes, take a break, and then get back into it when I felt like it. Also, the more comfortable you are with your current situation WITHOUT someone (I was perfectly happy with my job, gaming at home, climbing and doing yoga at the gym, etc), and actually thoroughly enjoyed the freedom I had without a relationship, and that made spending time with a girl a choice that I made because it was more fun than being on my own. This was not always the case, and that was a good sign that they weren't for me, but... That's a good place to be in order to be attractive to people (especially the right people). If you're comfortable with yourself and your situation, and open to being interested in someone else, that's way more attractive than height and muscles and whatever else we think women want. Last piece of advice is to not invent reasons for women to not like you. Everyone has different tastes, and respect them enough to let them have their opinions. If they don't like something about you that's out of your control or even that is, that's fine, they're not for you, meet someone else. The more happy you are with yourself, the less it stings when you find someone you don't mesh with. A relationship becomes a bonus, not a need. Being into someone and them not returning the feelings still sucks (though I almost find it harder when it's the other way around, tbqh), but... That's just part of the process you have to accept. Take the hit, let it suck, stand up, and move on.

[@maxgoldstein7202]

Thank you big man

[@joshua5946]

How did you meet up with these people? Old, social circles, social events? I'm in a similar situation to your past self, decent body, short(5'3) and in school(sophomore hs year though) and finding help from someone like me would help.

[@arvandor6820]

@@joshua5946 Mostly I was doing online dating. I'd occasionally meet someone semi randomly, asked a cashier out at Barnes and Noble once, or sometimes would meet new people at a friend's party and hit it off with someone, but 98% of it was all online (and I tried a half dozen or so different sites/apps). Which, definitely had its issues, which have only really gotten worse since I was last dating, so... I think it's still a good tool, you just have to be aware of and willing to deal with the pitfalls of it.

[@JZeez96]

@@arvandor6820 how'd you meet your wife? Online?

[@arvandor6820]

@@JZeez96 Yep, we met on Tinder almost 6 years ago.

[@axl1002]

Been like that for the majority of my life, I'm 45 now. Apparently is a lack of vitamin D. Started taking D3+K2 last year because of the pandemic. The more I was taking the better I felt. 6 months ago I started exercising and I feel now like I'm 25 again.

[@boartank]

Feelsgoodman 👑

[@vockski3173]

You can definitely have chronic deficiencies in vitamins and even genetic polymorphisms which make your body less efficient at using certain nutrients. Definitely important to explore if you never feel 'normal'.

[@NarcatasCor]

@@vockski3173 can you see these deficiencies if you make a normal blood test?

[@albertoaguilar9012]

which brand?

[@j3891]

@@vockski3173 I'm interested to know more about this. can you provide more information?

[@jpm736]

you just might be the worlds greatest AOE healer of the internet era, your work has and is changing countless life trajectories for the better. Thank you for your service Dr. K! Greetings from germany 🇩🇪

[@Durgenheim]

So many of the issues I see presented in these videos are related to misperceptions about the world formed through the lens of internet culture. Sure, tons of perpetually-online individuals might believe these myths about how life operates, but hardly anyone out in the real world knows what "chads", "betas", or any other primarily internet-based designation means. It's really sad how so many people buy into these alternate-realities that only serve to destroy their confidence and happiness.

[@katiekeaton1424]

So true! I spend way too much time watching KZbin (Including Dr. K even though I’m definitely not his target demo) and my husband doesn’t spend much time on the internet at all. I made a reference to incel culture the other day and he had never even heard the term! I was shocked, but kind of in a good way? We’re the same age, so isn’t a generational thing.

[@TheNobleFive]

I agree with you, although "Chad" and "beta" have spread more than far enough that I know other young men and women that use it ironically that are still well adjusted.

[@aceris5874]

Oh my god, HA! "Women aren't Pokémon." Thank you for laying down the basics. You are very compassionate Dr. K, I'm definitely over the generalization of women and don't have much patience for it anymore. We are not a hive mind, we're not all straight, and we are individual people. Treat us like people and not like women.

[@debanikgoswami4834]

I agree that we can't generalize women . But we can study female psychology and make rough prediction about what attracts a women . It helped me a lot in dating .

[@joseph6243]

It should be implicit that masculine guys are looking for feminine girls, and that can include an endless combination of individualistic traits and archetypes based on one's personal definition of masculinity and femininity. Therefore obviously female outliers and anomalies aren't of concern to these men.

[@winhtet6875]

Hi Dr.K. This will get buried but I just wanna say that you've helped me and a ton of young men (and women) discover about themselves and ways they can improve their mental health. I'm sure it comes from your experience but you're one of the most authentic, down to earth and relatable people when it comes to giving advice on mental health and life in general. I've recently bought your HG guide to Mental Health and it's like discovering an untapped gold mine. So much helpful information and realistic actions one can take for such an affordable price. Please, never stop what you're doing. People like you are much needed in these dire times.

[@nadie8553]

The thing I love the most about my boyfriend is his “feminine” side. He’s the only one to make talk about my feelings and this has been key to keep our relationship. (Btw, we’re both computer engineering students). He’s very empathetic, he’s sensitive in the best of ways, when we have an argument he insists on talking about it instead of ignoring it like many guys do… These and others are characteristics that are usually attributed to women, but I don’t have them, and if neither of us had them this relationship wouldn’t work.

[@Jezurielle]

Hey! I'm a 23 year old Ancient History student dating a girl the same age who's a Chemistry major. We're both women/nb. I really dig this kind of relationship dynamic between guys and girls. I can't imagine how fucking liberating it is to be free of those expectations that plague the normativity in our world. I think you're cool as fuck for studying computer engineering; my girlfriend often studies quantum computing in her course.

[@MattLouw]

The whole not caring what people think is not really true, it's impossible to not care at all, the goal is to do what you want and trust yourself despite caring what others think. Easier said than done of course

[@thesazbak5342]

Manson actually mentions that. The op misunderstood him unfortunately.

[@colinbowden4663]

Yeah it's interesting because, at least for me when I had my worst anxiety attacks, it wasn't actually that I truly CARED for what ppl thought. It was that I CARED what my perception/status in society and with ppl was, if that makes sense. Like, anxiety is inherently self-obsession and thus I didn't actually give a rip about their true thoughts or where they might've come from or whatever. Just about what's in it for me, kinda. Like if I were truly curious, I wouldn't make it up in my head. I'd maybe have an idea and ask them about it and start a conversation.

[@MattLouw]

@@colinbowden4663 yeah, like if you give someone with low self esteem a compliment, they might just not believe you straight up, it's their own view of self that rules all

[@MattLouw]

@@thesazbak5342 ahh that's unfortunate

[@charlesblasini2134]

I think what Dr is trying to say is more in the meditation sense. Acknowledge what people think. See it, acknowledge it, experience it. Then let it go. Let it flow down the steam.

[@stonywings5888]

I can absolutely vouch for the harvard example. Throughout the entirety of my schooling, I had never failed a single test. For my first year of University I failed my first ever test, and it was not just a test, but an oral exam. It broke me and shattered my confidence. True and reliable confidence is built by experiencing stuff like this, not always being on top. I struggled with being average for a while, because I was used to being one of the best performing. Now, several years later, my confidence has increased and failures keep me down for a shorter amount of time. I am happy things have gone swimmingly for most of my life, but I definitely could have benefitted from more hardships earlier.

[@phatdae]

Masculinity is a way of life; it often mirrors the principles found in religious beliefs, emphasizing self-discipline and moral conduct in the present in anticipation of a more promising future, giving purpose to life.

[@ewbgaming529]

I have dealt with this "not masculine enough" problem (nowhere near the same degree as op obv). A lot of it was rooted in low self-esteem and confidence. Earlier this summer, I decided my time off from university wasn't going to be wasted so I did some research on fitness and diet. It was overwhelming at first with all the information online and fear of judgement, so I started exercising a bit each day at home. Calisthenics and cardio. The overwhelmed feeling went away over time as I noticed what the gym and fitness community is really like: a bunch of guys not too different from myself on the inside. The vast majority of it is super motivating and uplifting to people starting out at the gym and making a change. So I started tracking calories, dialed in my diet and started lifting. Even after a month at the gym, I've lost several pounds of fat and put on some muscle. The rapid progress of newbie gains has been so motivating. I don't look great yet, but better than I've ever looked. My self image is so much more positive. Now I love going to the gym and seeing the numbers on my lifts go up. If you're considering lifting, this is your sign to go out and do it. Everyone was a gym noob at one point and EVERYONE respects you for committing to a change. A bit off topic, but if you're looking for something concrete to help with these thoughts, physical fitness should be a high priority for you. It'll work WONDERS for your mental health.

[@WTFIWFYDB]

I also noticed mental health improvements when started lifting weights. Especially with my anxiety I got hell of a lot calmer.

[@itsez1129]

Tried working out a dozen times but couldn't stick to it more than a month. I topped every time because I gained noting and it was unsustainble because I got more and more tired as time went on. I guess I was just built different. Edit: spelling

[@SnuSnuDungeon]

Once you realize nobody else sees your insecurities like you do because they're not in your brain 24/7 like you are, it becomes easier. It takes off all the mostly self imposed weight you put on yourself.

[@KillaBean416]

Thanks for this comment. Can’t be too hard on yourself, cause others aren’t judging you, like you judge yourself.

[@itsKimovichlol]

My insecurity is what if I forgot something? I get distracted easily and get carried away but I don't even remember what I forgot about... yea ADHD and everyone around me notices first XD

[@superdupeninja8149]

People do see you’re insecurities though…it shows up on you’re body language

[@blairdurward4324]

This is what’s meant by not giving an F.

[@isak2209]

Well this goes for behavioural or emotional insecurities, much less physical ones. If you have an abnormally large nose you're insecure about, or a lazy eye, people 100% notice that a lot more than you do yourself.

[@liammacdonald9867]

For anyone who is struggling with feelings like this, the answer is just two words…. Martial Arts! I’m talking dabbling into boxing, kickboxing, brazilian jiu jitsu and wrestling. Seek these out, learn these skills and develop confidence around fighting ability. Ive spent the last few years training and now I feel so comfortable being how ever feminine or masculine I want because I understand that I am a capable defender and feel a strong sense of control in tense situations. Confidence is found through the struggle and hard work of developing these skills and its so worth it.

[@liammacdonald9867]

You don’t need to be the traditionally masculine character if you know you have these skills. My girlfriend actually loves my more feminine side because shes seen me be an assertive man in training and competition

[@emate8422]

Exactly, and also one upside is that when you strat training your ego gonna be putted down when you gonna be outdone by smaller guys or dads out of shape. But then you gonna slowly build up.

[@emate8422]

​@@liammacdonald9867you can be yourself and nobody gonna bully you for different point of view

[@AfrinonM]

I literally started cackling like a madman when he talked about the dating restrictions of a first-generation immigrant's child. I'm aware and have moved away from blaming my parents for issues in my life now, but MAAAAN. I already had difficulty connecting with other kids due to being shy and emotional (I have a distinct memory of breaking down in tears when one of my classmates was talking to me about making friends in 5th grade, which was embarrassing as all hell), but when I did want to go anywhere it was always a barrage of questions that a seven-year-old couldn't answer. "Where are you going? Why are you going there? Who's going to be there? Who's going to be watching over you?" I learned that I had to be absolutely certain of EVERYTHING before I could even suggest going to a friend's house. That was too much for me to handle when I was in GRADE SCHOOL, so I stopped trying. I've over 30 now, and only with the perspective provided by Dr. K and other channels, and a long, hard look at myself, that I've started to come out of my shell. "Level up my social skills", as he's put in other videos. I still don't feel like I'll ever be in a good enough state to get into a relationship, but that isn't as important as getting out there and experiencing life. Pursing the things that make me happy. Being authentic with myself. That's what I want to pursue now.

[@barsona]

"One of the cruelest things you can do to a group of people, who've been the best their entire life, is to suddenly make them average." Truth, and hence why I now believe that our education system is a failure

[@tailez606]

One interesting thing from this one is that there was another recent video where Dr. K was debunking, in a way, the whole "love yourself before you can love someone else" thing. Distinctly remember him saying how much easier it is to actually love someone else than yourself. Anyway, in this one "love yourself" is brought up as something you should do still. Not saying there's a contradiction in his words (depends on how you look at it), but something to discuss probably.

[@somerandomguy9974]

There’s a lot of contradictions, or at least seeming contradictions, in what he says if you watch enough videos.

[@camronchlarson3767]

I would say the 'roadblock' for me that keeps me from feeling confident despite working so hard and doing all the right things is social anxiety but even deeper, I find a general feeling of shame no matter what I do. I don't know where all this shame comes from but I'm constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure no one saw me do 'that embarrassing thing' and I'm constantly going over conversations before and after AND during the time they take place to make sure I don't say anything wrong. I'm constantly second guessing myself because I just feel ashamed of every decision I make even when it's an objectively good decision or just inconsequential one. I need outside approval first before I can genuinely feel good about what I'm doing in life but then I feel ashamed that I'm so needy shortly after

[@galibrim]

I deal with a similar feeling. I have C-PTSD from childhood trauma from friends and family. I learned of a term called "The Inner Critic" from a C-PTSD help book by Pete Walker, which was recommended to me by my Trauma Therapist, and it has given me a lot of good insight about why my Inner Critic is so harsh as well as methods of tracing the feelings to their core memories. Whether you feel you have trauma or not, the insight techniques and information about the Inner Critic from his book I believe can be very helpful to anyone dealing with harsh self-criticism. He also has a blog which he shares a lot of his information through, as well. If you look into this, I hope you find something that helps!

[@Fairbranksthecat]

Don't change for others, do it for yourself. Thanks Doc, I'm going to take that to heart.

[@jimcopeland4011]

I had a similar experience at the age of 18. I swung hard into the "become an asshole" direction. It hurt when I could tell I was hurting people's feelings, and I chose not to care. I'm not saying that that is the solution, but I think it definitely helped me to broaden my perspective. Eventually, I was ready to start caring again, but I was able to do it with stronger boundaries than before. I realized that too much empathy can be a bad thing and that practicing a lack of empathy by intentionally being an asshole actually helped me come to a healthier middle ground. Would I recommend this approach? Maybe not, but it actually helped me to become a better person, strangely enough.

[@resultedchutoy3353]

No method is perfect. At the end of the day, it got you to where you needed to be. You may think it wasn't the best solution, as you ended up hurting yourself and others, but have you considered that was the only way for you to come to an understanding of how to care, but still stand up for yourself and have boundaries? Maybe swinging so hard in the other direction was the only way for you TO learn those skills. Something to chew on, friend.

[@kirbygrandma]

when i was a kid my dad was super toxic and projected his insecurities on to me at an early age. he had this very cliché cut out or “mold” of how a man should look or act. for a long time i struggled with anxieties and gender dysphoria because of this. eventually i learned that men come in all different shapes and sizes, and you dont have to act a certain way to fit the bill of what you choose to identify as and be comfortable with.

[@PurpleLightsaberAlex]

My dad was toxic as well and loaded with issues. He used to make me feel like I've failed at life by comparing mr with people triple my age and rolling back on "accepted" apologies. Thank goodness I had no respect for him else his comments would have really gotten to me.

[@FireJach]

Exactly. The entire non-binary-helicopter-genderfluid thing comes from bad parenting and these people need a real help not just acceptance what imply to ignorance

[@biblebot3947]

@@FireJach are you meaning to imply that there are no non-binary/gender fluid people who’ve had healthy upbringings? Also, who uses the helicopter joke now? 2016 was 6 years ago.

[@fisicogamer1902]

I don't have gender dysphoria, but I totally have a dad that gives me a mold to look masculine and shit. I wanna interact with him as little as possible, so I just play out that I hear his bullcrap and ignore it completely in my life. I am autistic, so my life is going to be completely different from most people anyways. Some woman validating your form of masculinity is also conforting. Do not use this as your main source of confidence, but eh, it helps when it is available.

[@SHEESHAW100]

@@FireJach bruh one joke

[@catholicfemininity2126]

I think most people watch a lot of fiction and thus want a date or spouse that looks or is very perfect when they themselves are not, but they can't control their attraction. Many women and men want something of high value, but simply are not on that level.

[@mjanny6330]

Hollywood romance movies have done to many women, what p0rn has done to many men.

[@user-li8sr9zo9l]

"Impressing yourself." I think my negative thoughts have evolved so much that I believe that to be impossible, and my brain is okay with accepting that. I wish I could take it out and beat it up.

[@WanderTheNomad]

Believing in something is one thing, but you can't really *know* it to be true unless you try it. And even then, you might have to try it multiple times to be sure that you "know" it.

[@methanesulfonic]

2:26 Dont people realize that you can be a geeky computer guy and still be masculine + fit (appearance wise)??

[@Vannabee13]

Or that women who like geeky computer guys exist.

[@methanesulfonic]

@@Vannabee13 this guy know whatsup, know thy demographic lol

[@methanesulfonic]

@@Tocinoscant really blame OP though, Hollywood and other big entertainment media have propagandize the idea that "geeks cant be masculine" or even more stupid stuff like "all fit guys are bully" and "fit guys have no social life/ other hobbies outside of gym"

[@AnAwakenedPanda]

@@Tocinos the consequences for this are usually worse lol

[@NEOS_FPS]

Yah but that's unlikely 90℅ of the time. Because they don't get work out always crushing deadlines after deadlines.

[@ConanTheBavarian]

What helped me the most was to just stand out in the crowd. I grew a beard, started wearing bright colours and put on some muscle and since then I get more attention from women. Sometimes even they make the first move on me, some thing that was completely alien to me when I was looking like Character Preset 1

[@klimtkiller]

“you shouldn’t go to the gym for women, you should go to the gym for yourself”. ok, but what if you’re a slim guy who is completely satisfied with their appearance, and then you find out that women aren’t attracted to slim guys, and that makes you want to go to the gym? “the biggest reason you should go to the gym is because YOU’RE not ok with the way that you look”. again, i think a lot of guys would be completely fine with the way that they look if they thought women were attracted to it. for most men, the only reason you’re unhappy with how you look is because you know women aren’t attracted to it. you can’t just separate the action (going to the gym to improve looks) from the goal (finding a partner). it’s like saying “don’t play football to get healthy, play football because football is fun”, when you hate football and don’t find it fun at all.

[@nectarina3891]

@@gisellemarta4161 My sister likes pudgy guys, I like muscly guys, I have friends who love skinny guys. Women have a huge variety of tastes. I say go to the gym if it's good for your health or you enjoy it, but don't' do it to try to attract women who aren't attracted to your natural build.

[@MsTeaAndCrump3ts]

Woman here :) Just so you know, not all women like the same body type. Personality makes the body look a whole lot sexier in the long term. The 'hot studs' are great but if the personality is trash then their hotness can't save the relationship.

[@klimtkiller]

@@MsTeaAndCrump3ts yea but if we aren't hot, our personality doesn't even get considered. We're subhuman trash

[@MsTeaAndCrump3ts]

@@klimtkiller If you go into things with that energy, then people will receive that perception of you. Negative self-talk leeches into interactions. For example, the subhuman comment is a bit much no? You nor anyone else will be a match for everyone we are attracted to. If you start off thinking an interaction will fail then it will fail by default.

[@klimtkiller]

@@MsTeaAndCrump3ts do you know what it's like trying to date as an average-looking male? You are overlooked by every girl. Doesn't matter how fat or ugly she is, she will consider you unworthy. Might as well be invisible. Has nothing to do with energy, I didn't used to have low energy before experiencing this.

[@dcfromthev]

The “impress yourself” section was spot on, couldn’t agree more. I’ve seen this work for myself, though I must admit it can be difficult to keep this mindset going long term. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life, and the ups and downs make it really hard to be consistent in any aspect of life.

[@feartheghus]

Real confidence comes from preparation. When you have studies for hours for the test and you finally feel a grasp of the topic at hand you can take that test with much less anxiety. Anxiety most often comes from very reasonable fears, like the fear that a difficult task will be failed by you, because you haven’t actually done any of the work necessary to do it and the deadline is coming up quickly. Taking a test you haven’t prepared for is gonna suck before you finish and after you get your failing grade. This is the case for things in general. You can be confident with women when you’ve earned confidence. False confidence is just arrogance and it may be even worse than no confidence.

[@gumfun2]

The following deduction helps me feel more masculine. First, women don’t all have the same set of wants. There are some overlapping ones and some different ones. After recognizing this, it becomes clear that you cannot get all women to be attracted to you. (I know, obviously false.) Then, you realize you can just be yourself to the best of your ability and see who comes. This helped me, I think, because I previously viewed masculinity as a set of things that had no rhyme or reason, that I read and hear about as ideal but there was no logical reasoning. It was like an ideal that I didnt really believe in or see as achievable, so its kind of this hopeless battle.

[@itsciver]

As a woman who's totally into "feminine" guys, it annoys me how much social pressure there is on guys to look and act "manly". Literally every media tells guys how to behave in a certain way, and if they don't do that, there's something wrong with them. I also grew up with this picture about "ideal guys" and who I should like. Honestly, I thought for myself, that there's something wrong with me, because I couldn't find the "ideal" man attractive. I also thought for a short time that I might be homosexual, but I'm also not attracted to females. I accepted that I'm into female-looking guys, and that I find it attractive if guys don't behave in a "mascular" way too. We get taught early on in life what the ideal woman and the ideal men should be, and that there's something wrong with us if we don't fit into that standard. I tried to put myself into a box as well, because I thought something is wrong with me if I'm not chasing after a partner who fits into this social norm. But I learned that it's okay to be different, and that it's okay to like things which aren't the ideal version the media wants us to believe.

[@Xpectra32]

the same happens to me but but backwards xD , idk if there is a term to be attracted to more "masculine" females

[@eonstar]

@@Xpectra32 tomboy?

[@jamesgentry13]

Juat curious as to why you like submissive feminine beta males. Are you more dominant?

[@RyugaHidekiOrRyuzaki]

@@Xpectra32 Underrated taste, here's my upvote friend

[@homebakedcake4348]

fr i'm only attracted to feminine man, be their apparence or their personality, the thing is that's so hard to find ones that enjoy being feminine

[@farithrafaelbernalmartinez212]

I had insecurities with this too until I got into goth and other alternative subcultures. It was so comforting to see men who weren't this hyper-muscular beast but rather skinny weirdos covered in black makeup. I felt at home. (For reference I'm 5'8 and 119 lb) My point is: if you don't fit classic masculinity the fuck it you don't need it, you can be cool and attractive your own way. Find that way that fits you. Yes, average people will find you unattractive or even disgusting, but many others will think of you as a cool, interesting dude.

[@LittleSparklingStars]

Masculinity is subjective anyways. You can wear a dress and still feel masculine. It's really about how you feel and others shouldn't define it.

[@user-qb4on2qm7z]

​@@LittleSparklingStars spoken like a woman. how the fuck can you tell me what being masculine is?

[@slayeroffurries1115]

What if I'm not weird enough to enter a subculture, but not normal enough to be, well... normal

[@scorpiom8053]

​@@LittleSparklingStarslol no

[@Straga_Severa]

This is an interesting conception called "nichemaxxing" in the manosphere. It means, selecting your niche, and becoming really frickin' attractive to the girls in that niche (and, as a byproduct, lowering your general attractiveness), instead of trying to be kinda attractive to most girls. It is sad that this tactics is not spoken about enough.

[@Madchris8828]

For the average person failure and learning you are okay teaches confidence. But i know several people who are confident because essentially everything they do in life goes the right way. How would be unconfident if nothing has ever messed with your confidence

[@mike12fdg]

What women say they want is not the same as what they are attracted to.

[@diarmuidkuhle8181]

Same goes for men. They'll say they just want 'some nice girl to love them' but when asked how exactly they picture this girl, they list off specific physical attributes she has to have, down to bust and waist measurements.

[@eddiesmith7867]

​@@diarmuidkuhle8181ignoring the dumb generalization whos to say a nice girl that loves them cant have those specific traits.

[@emate8422]

Exactly, women don't communicate directly and avoiding confrontation, that's why they like to gossip so much

[@tabby3554]

I haven’t felt much pressure to be masculine from men so much as I have from women.

[@celestialceilagor3802]

Women will ask a man to be masculine, because they are also thinking that their definition of masculine is THE definition of masculine and that it must be used as some sort of scale for everyone and from everyone. Remember that when they say this they mean different things, often completely contradictory things. So don't listen to it, if you want a girl listen to what she wants and thats her definition you can't know everyone's at once.

[@123mehmehmeh]

I know you're speaking anecdotally but a healthy way of thinking about this is, it's not men or women that are pressuring you to be "masculine", it's society. masculinity is a social construct, it doesn't mean shit. You are who you are, don't worry about it being "feminine" or "masculine". At the end of the day, men and women both share the EXACT same emotions because we are, above all, people first. You are you and you are the best you, so just keep being you but better each day. Much love.

[@celestialceilagor3802]

@@123mehmehmeh you can't just put things on society. People make up each one this cannot be ignored, everyone contributes and those who do the most must be held accountable like with any other form of public dissent.

[@Di66en6ion]

@@seisen919 Testosterone does not account for one to not to be able to read their own emotions, figure out their boundaries, or express things other than through anger. That is socially driven constructs reinforced by norms. Most humans want connection and comfort from others. The high degree of avoidant attachment seen in men is hugely social and driven in large part by homophobia. Even IF it was driven by testosterone that does not take away men's responsibility to do the work to be more supportive of those around them as well as vulnerable with their needs.

[@mateuszfydrych7559]

​@@123mehmehmehI like the way you thinking. Society isn't just males+females. It's sth more.

[@jameshunt4611]

The thing that young guys have to learn is that it’s best to improve with talking to ANYONE. Secondly, once you understand that women are not a different species and if you interact with them as you would with a random guy you’re interacting with, you’ll instantly improve your chances. Why? Because women interact with creeps and “nice guys” all the time.

[@DefinitelySpirit]

'Masculinity' is a touchy subject, every time i click on a video like this i always get worried that someone's going to preach bottling emotions or something. I appreciate that you realize the harm of toxic masculinity and the oppression it puts upon ourselves. I lost someone as a result of these pressures relating to masculinity and what it did to their mental health. Most people in my family are female so I've never really fallen victim to masculine pressures and usually have had many different influences, so my general focus has just been on controlling my emotions (an actually important skill), not oppressing them. I get really frustrated how my emotions always control me and how it causes me to regret lots of actions. (I'm getting a check-up for Hyperactive-Impulsive ADHD because I'm struggling with all sorts of things relating to impulsiveness and attention), so i can definitely support what you've preached even from a different angle with life, because i feel the same in a way, i struggle with emotions, i've been around very emotional people, ive been through alot. There was a point where i thought i was too emotional; which is entirely true. But my view of it was wrong, I was right but i didn't know what the real issue was, and through opening up about my emotions i learned not how to control my emotions, but i figured out that i was looking at the wrong thing. This is why emotions are important, they're what make us human, vulnerability is what allows us to grow. I'm still not amazing with controlling emotions because in all honesty I just can't half of the time, but I'm conscious of myself, my emotions. And that's what allows me to learn how to cope with it, what allows me to figure out what I should improve and how i should go about it.

[@joseph6243]

Most people on these types of videos preach gender ideology, identity politics, and social constructionism, rather than biological determinism. It's perplexing that "masculinity" is the most inflammatory topic of our times.

[@DefinitelySpirit]

@@joseph6243 it's really not lol, I can't believe you're comparing that to actual tragedies

[@blue_ish4499]

Talking throught things wont help you, just do things that are hard and push yourself to the fucking limits and you will understand who you are and why being manly is important.

[@Max-sh6zu]

I feel this way, but with femininity. I keep getting into this defeatist attitude about it though over my genetics, thinking that it's impossible for me to look feminine enough, or even to look like a woman, period.

[@nithi9638]

Femininity gets more complex as well because a large part of it is some elaborate performance art (soceitally speaking) . There's so many wrong ways to be a woman and you'll always be criticised it's weird.

[@immasurvivor]

No one feels like they are enough, that is normal. But we can all strive to be better than we where. We can all shape our bodies almost to our will. For some its much much easier due to genetics ofc. But we less blessed can do it too, just takes more time. I dont know what your build is, but you can fkn do it. There are mllions of guides online of how to do it. Hell, Im experienced enough in this area that if you tell me your ''problem'' im almost sure I can make you a program to adress it. And boy, that progress towards those goals will make you have moments of feeling like Beyoncé.

[@superioropinion7116]

@@nithi9638 as far as I see being masculine is also some elaborate performance art too

[@brittybee6615]

Successfully interacting with other human beings is performance art. So what? Heck, even cats don’t have a natural predilection for meowing at each other but they do it for humans.

[@superioropinion7116]

@@brittybee6615 yeah everything feels so unnatural on how you should supposed to come across yet we say all the time "just be natural" and so we pretend that this unnatural state is something that comes to you naturally

[@nathanielrasey]

Failure does not lead to confidence. It leads to self doubt, self hatred, and the questioning of ones own worth and abilities. That's just stupid. Confidence comes from knowledge and past success. I'm confident that I can ride a bike not because I failed but because I learned how and have done it before. A kid learning to ride a bike won't be confident in their ability to ride one if they keep falling over again and again. People become confident that they can drive a car well because of multiple instances of them driving from point A to point B without incident. If someone crashes or has a near miss every time they get behind the wheel they won't be confident in their ability to drive a car.

[@TheOldBeef]

shhh you're bursting their happy bubble

[@vastuniversals]

Failure encourages and teaches us what to improve on, yes it absolutely leads to confidence in improving and perfecting skill

[@ifluxion]

The problem is that people think about this the other way around. You don't become masculine by trying to be masculine. You become masculine by utilizing and adapting the best of what you were born with, which for many cases with men end up with masculine traits.

[@ordinarypigeon6918]

Masculine traits have also been changing throughout history. Today’s version of masculinity is only a bit over 150 years old. Some 500 years ago it was seen as masculine to wear short skirts and tights. Somewhere in between it was manly to wear high heels.

[@mario125ww]

@@ordinarypigeon6918 that's not masculinity. Masculinity has always stayed the same. It is basically confidence, assertiveness, dominance, and leadership. As a man we are program, to go after a goal and accomplish it. We are program to lead. There's not a look to this but an aura. You can't fake it and real people can tell the difference.

[@ordinarypigeon6918]

@@mario125ww which is why interpretations of masculinity are different depending on where you are… yeah. What you’re talking about is called being a strong person and was/is valued in both sexes. Vikings and Spartans are good examples of how strength is gender neutral.

[@mario125ww]

@@ordinarypigeon6918 true but I will argue that without those traits, a woman would never be attractive to a man. Also a man will not get respect from other men. Your right. It is does look different for everyone and alot of societies had these values neutral among gender. However, a man not processing it first, would have led to the downfall of society. To me, this is a real alpha man. And a beta male would be a follower who has no backbone.

[@mario125ww]

@@gisellemarta4161 I think you are misunderstanding what I said. A assertive and confident man is someone who stands up for himself and voice his opinions always. Being aggressive and egotistical isn't confident or assertive. That's a different type of man all together. And tbh, the reason some people find those type of man attractive or weak soft men is because they have Masculine energy but it's an unhealthy version. Im pretty sure you would liked a very self assured man though. Because that's pretty universal over a insecure passive dude. Masculinity can be broken down as going after what you want.

[@trash5709]

his point about how confidence comes from how many times you fail is so true

[@DodInTheSky]

I’m listening to that guy’s story and I’m like “Same. Same. Same.”. Except I don’t find it hard to find a woman. I find it hard to find a great woman. Plus he disproved his own point. Like, you were born. So your father must’ve attracted someone.

[@NoTengoIdeaGuey]

You probably have a distorted view of what women are and are projecting your views onto them whenever you interact with them. Like, I don't know you, but when I hear someone say "I can't find great women" it sounds more like "I think basically all women are trash". You carry that mindset at all times and it will definitely show when you interact with women, whether you want it to or not. Most people aren't "great", especially by their early 20s. Men and women included. We've all got weaknesses, hang-ups, mental/behavioral issues etc. Why do any of us deserve a "great" partner, while we've probably still got a decade before we've sorted out our own issues? The point isn't to "find" a woman, the point is to develop yourself into a person who is interesting and pleasant to be around, *meet* someone, and then grow with them. I had a serious girlfriend when I was age 16-18, she dumped me and I was completely lost for a minute. I spent so long after that treating the women I interacted with like a puzzle box I had to master to get them to fuck me. This undoubtedly made me come off as a desperate weirdo and drove them away. Eventually I just decided to focus on other things, I was in a band, I was a line cook, working alot and just spent a year or two learning and growing as a person. Then when I met my wife just by chance, I could actually have a conversation with her, show her that I was a guy with something going on, rather than just trying to speedrun her dialog options to get to the sex minigame. Women aren't an object to find or the goal of some game; they're human beings. If you spend time becoming someone that is fun for other PEOPLE to be around and find ways to socialize then you won't have to "find" any woman. It will just happen.

[@HM-ew4ou]

I think op missed the part in manson's book of "subtle art of not givving a f*ck" wherein he stated something about defining your metrics which influence what you think is success, as well as how to determine those metrics, which is quite relevant to OP's feelings towards themselves

[@KevinBrown-sv3kq]

False confidence is the same thing. Either way u r happy. So ya....having everything go your way in life is just better in EVERY way. And failure builds confidence.....CONSTANT failure destroys everything inside of you

[@bumly7149]

This is a long one: After having to leave my long-term partner a few months ago, it was clear that I'd put my self-esteem onto her rather than working on it myself. Not only was I racked with guilt over my decision to break up with her (due to the fact that I was unhappy in the relationship for around a year previously), but I also had to contend with my renewed feelings of insecurity and jealousy of successful couples. I came across several self-improvement/manosphere content creators that initially fueled me with the motivation to carry on aceing my degree and exercising to gain muscle. As a result, my grades boosted and I doubled my bench-press capacity in 3 months. Unfortunately, I also began to develop trust issues with others and become toxic to anyone who cared about me. I lost a lot of friends I'd made, I felt worthless and as though I'd never amount to anything noteworthy. The more I watched this manosphere content, the more my world view was warped in a way that genuinely scares me to look back on it all. I genuinely believed that women were untrustworthy and only liked the "Alpha" males with bulging muscles and six-figure incomes, and that someone fairly "average" like myself would either be rejected or discarded for a "higher-value" man. Whilst I analysed my "Sexual Market Value", I neglected to take proper care of my social connections and ironically succeed even less with women than before I'd even heard of the Red Pill. 6 weeks after quitting the manosphere for good, I've attracted some good, honest and positive people in my life without feeling inadequate. I've recently graduated my degree with a 2:1 (3.0 GPA for any Americans here), and I'm about to start a Biomedical Scientist job at a fascinating microbiology and healthcare lab (starting salary of just under $30k, which is pretty decent for a fresh graduate). I take way better care of myself and nurture the relationships I have with others. Because of the inner work I've done and the help I've received for trying to enjoy and appreciate my life again, I've even been on a couple dates with a wonderful woman who didn't seem to be that into buff dudes with 6-figure incomes 😂. All these positive results stem from my ability to bounce back from the hardships I've gone through, as well as some rather critical thinking as to what success really means to most people. It's been a real struggle, but I've found true confidence through it all. I want to personally take my hat off to Dr K for this advice. More young men like myself need to hear your words rather than ever dive into the toxic world of the manosphere and its gurus with vested interests. Good things stem from a sense of self-belief, not external things that attract only shallow and materialistic people in your life. Good luck to you all.

[@Roseislost]

Man, I have seen you in many places commenting, you really are learning a lot

[@rafaelseer4246]

Thanks for your comment, Bumly. As someone who has also fell to the manosphere ideas and suffered a lot because of them, I totally get you. They capitalize on insecurities and weak egos, and honeslty, I hardly believe any of these guys are happy or at peace.

[@marlouw606]

I want to get rid of that kind of thinking too but the more i talk to college girls the more these ideas are reinforced

[@AtheismF7W]

@@marlouw606 yep, don't delude yourself. The manosphere is correct about women's nature. To really find this out, become friends (only, nothing more) with even minorly attractive girls and if they trust you they will talk about things they only talk to thier gfs about and it's eye opening.

[@andrewtarkington]

I’ve found that by controlling my body language my mind soon follows. Just learning good posture helps a ton.

[@ronan3803]

I honestly dont understand how surviving failure leads to confidence. How you managed to get rejected 120 times and not give up is absurd I would have probably given up after like 5

[@Kvh47]

Agree, getting rejected didnt do anything for my confidence. I just stopped trying

[@csadams404]

Because the failure you are so afraid of on attempt #1, the "pain" you have to "survive" becomes like a tickle or a mosquito sneezing on you, not this world ending Armageddon on your ego and life. After failing 200 times, if you have a good attitude about it, you simply don't really feel that bothered by failure itself. And being vulnerable (aka taking a chance, shooting your shot, showing weakness, risking failure) without fear is the definition of confidence.

[@yesnomaybeso9144]

I believe Dr. K has talked about this before, but what he means that it isn't just enough to go through a failure. You must also survive it and come out the other end realizing that you're still okay and that you're still you regardless of how many rejections you get. Paraphrasing him, there's a huge difference between going through failure vs actually surviving failure, and a lot of it depends on your perspective of failure and how you view it after it happens to you. He talked a bit about this in the Q&A section of Motivation Webinar #1 if you want to dig for it. Good luck to ya'll

[@dasstig5274]

in my 30s and still struggle with a lot of the self doubts discussed here. 20 is so young and this stuff can take a really long time, i might never get there. But the older i get i do find it gets a bit easier and i care less about what others think or if i have a relationship or not. Half of marriages end in divorce anyway, a lot of those average couples you see walking around arent even happy.

[@iamburger6645]

When you were saying "can I take pride in this improvement" my ears perked up because it's a major problem I have. How do you go about dealing with feelings of regret (I should have done this sooner) or frustration (I should be more capable than this) or obligation (this is what I should be doing anyway, this isn't special this is baseline)?

[@clericknight7304]

Nice. Be patient with yourself be patient with others. Lol doomed because of “spawn point” I love that.

[@sdws17]

It's these very generalizations that you're warning about regarding what it takes to be a real man or woman that are now misleading people into believing that they're the wrong gender. "I'm not masculine enough to be a man. Guess I'll identify as something else." Generalizations can come from a kernel of truth. It's probably healthy for most men to overall lean toward being masculine and most women to overall lean toward being feminine. The issue comes when we take kernels of truth too far, warping our perceptions of reality. Also, I'm gonna be honest, while it's messed up to expect men to be overly masculine, I feel like current "progressive" society is conditioning men to be overly feminized in some ways too. Maybe this is what this guy is experiencing, being pulled from two ends like that, and without a proper brotherhood/virtuous male positivity in his life to guide him through the nonsense from both ends. Whatever the cause, he has to find the balance for himself in what is undeniably a weird culture.

[@Ordnas95]

Gender dysphoria just doesn't work that way. It's more like "I'm masculine _but I don't think this is right"

[@Doubleranged1]

About pride: I do not feel pride in any goal that I can think of. There is nothing in the world that would make me proud. There is also no reason that there are no things that make me proud. I haven't felt proud ever.

[@AuspexAO]

Cultivate your passion and be a good guy. Try and treat your body well, there’s no reason to have a six pack, just don’t be w glutton. That’s the long and short of it (shrug)

[@FiFiFilth]

I used to be influenced by all this pick up advice bullshit telling me I need to act this or that way. People also asked me if I was gay or smt bc of my behaviour sometimes. Since I have let go of any of those rules for how to behave and just do as I see fit, I have been getting an incredible amount of affection and gratification from girls/women. I feel very masculine and secure in my own skin now. I don't have to try hard to be anything at all. I just live life the best I can, and it's working great. Guys! Don't buy into dating advice, don't try to be something you're not, just be open, stay relaxed. You will get more girls than you could ever dream of, but most importantly, you will feel free.

[@joseph6243]

Yeah I'm not buying into your dating advice either

[@kiara-kh7nh]

I spent so long worried I wasn't masculine enough, and that was what was wrong. Kept trying to be more macho, more chadly. I was doing it successfully too, I was big and strong, had a deep voice, women were attracted to me. Then I realized, oh, I'll never be manly enough to be happy, I hate being a man. Now I'm much happier

[@Nemcoification]

Just be you, that's hard enough without trying to live up to people's ideas of what it means to be something.

[@moonknight4053]

Are u American? This seems to be a very American type of thing, just be whom u really are…. Why do men need to be the same? That sounds very weird and alien

[@darklightmotion5534]

@@moonknight4053 sounds trans, not American necessarily lmao

[@measlesplease1266]

@@darklightmotion5534 you mean mentally ill?

[@oksanarose6879]

godspeed ♡ ♡ ♡

[@creamlass]

We dont “need” to be anything in todays society. Just help those around you and be yourself. Thats it. Wanna lift? Do it. Wanna knit? Do it. Im a man, got my first pedicure a couple days ago. Was sublime. I have a ton of fun dabbling in what other people find “feminine”, and i think it makes me more unique. Fuck ‘em, babe.

[@SnuSnuDungeon]

I'm on the opposite side of this. I'm a woman and have never been to a nail salon once in my life, I don't feel even remotely like I'm missing out on being feminine for it

[@creamlass]

​@@SnuSnuDungeon thats dope! feminine and masculine definitions and labels are kinda pointless, but applied to things to help with this discussion. comforting and caretaking for those around you? more feminine property. can you be a man and comfort people? yes. can you be a woman and not comfort people? yes. i think this topic is very personal, and kinda muddies the waters into today's discussion of gender identity. i think the labels are only useful in dispelling anxiety people have around who they are, like OP.

[@euanmabrown97]

You go dude

[@terrodactyll]

so glad to hear about that. i also don't really believe in a binary gender system that defines something to either be to masculine or feminine

[@smelyely3353]

Don't forget labels are useful for detailing what specific people find attractive. For example, I could say my type is more "masculine" women. But again, that's a personal thing and labels should still never be used in a generalizing context.

[@FrogEnjoyer17]

I've had 3 relationships by the age of 20, yet the feeling of not being good enough and worrying/knowing someone settles for me doesn't go away because I'm not the ideal. I feel similar to OP, I'm not confident because I have nothing to be confident in, I'm not muscular, I get upset sometimes, I talk about my emotions, epecially when upset and have been abandoned every time I did by women.

[@debanikgoswami4834]

These guy needs to make some female friends first . It will help him getting the habit of talking to girls everyday . It will boost his so called confidence . Many girls in my experience are very insecure and have self esteem issue.

[@bilbobaginutopi2284]

If you're not happy with, for example, not being muscular, become muscular! Take steps to solve these issues, take it into your own hand. Sure, it's not good to change your whole person because of not feeling masculine, but you can also take steps to become more satisfied with who you are, become someone that you are proud of.

[@m3kbeatz]

@@bilbobaginutopi2284 is it possible?

[@Nico97fr]

These videos are really helpful, but when you think about it, it's scary to see how many guys worldwide have no experience at all in relationships (me included), to a point where we start to listen to gurus online who pretend to teach us what womens are and what they want, and start to doubt about ourselves, and in the end, to hate ourselves because we are not good enough. And then, we start to act weird, following all these advices of being a bad boy, being flirty, trying to have a perfect body not for ourselves but for others... putting on a mask to be more attractive to women (which for me, didn't work at all despite constantly improving myself). People come to the realization that you have to be an actor, and to reject your true self to attract women. Whoever you might attract will not love you the way you are truly, and you will feel like an impostor, and the moment you stop acting, they won't find you attractive anymore. It's heartbreaking and show how much of a problem we have with this society.

[@DoctorHouse999]

lol exactly, you can't replace experience with anything.

[@oksanarose6879]

i don’t have anything to add i just thought this was a very insightful comment

[@mattw-cx50]

The really ironic thing here is that this kid who's thinks he's not "masculine" enough to attract a woman, has a father who's even less "masculine", who apparently DID attract a woman to have this kid with!

[@Autisticles]

Feels like times have changed

[@Straga_Severa]

People always discount the factor of time. Maybe the father WAS masculine twenty years ago, and then got clinically depressed and lost his masculinity. That's why this heuristic "look at people with kids" is worth nothing.

[@mattw-cx50]

If your three presumption are true then I might concede the point. We don't KNOW if his father was ever "masculine" or that he got depressed or that it took away his masculinity. Until we know the facts it's more hypothetical than heuristic in my opinion.

[@Straga_Severa]

@@mattw-cx50 Yep, that's why it useless. We need to look at what people do, not at what they say or who are they with now, after 20 years.

[@Straga_Severa]

@@mattw-cx50 Thank you! Have a nice day ^⁠_⁠^

[@Uncle_Tijikun]

Hey Doc, I'm a 35 year old man who's been through several traumatic events during his life and, thankfully, I had a great family that helped through it. I just want to thank you for what you're doing. Had I had a figure such as yourself while growing up to give an external, professional analysis my mental health would've probably been better. Much love and respect

[@dend1]

The problem isn't confidence. It's pride. The less pride you have and the more shame you have, the more difficult it will be to believe in yourself. One needs self pride in order to subcommunicate value to others as well as themselves

[@manumudgal4988]

Actually people with most pride feel shameful since their ego is inflated.

[@nicholaselder2546]

Pride comes before the falls, confidence is bs, competence is king.

[@dend1]

Yeah, it's been about a month and I changed my mind. Pride and shame are two sides of the same ego coin. I put down the coin and stop trying to define myself by my past, comparisons with others and imagination.

[@MayaUndefined]

watch the video again

[@anonyfamous42]

Several woman I tried to date asked me if I was gay. My whole family thinks I’m gay since I never had a girlfriend. This makes me insecure about myself.

[@anonyfamous42]

@@wafflewaffle8529 Next time I'll ask them why, because I think it's too much disrespect and even if I'm not the best seducer I still deserve some respect.

[@swordyshield]

@@anonyfamous42 they might not be calling you gay as an insult, but they just might legitimately think your gay for some reason. Good idea to ask them why to see which one it is

[@wafflewaffle8529]

@@Dimitris_Half like what?

[@arcanewarrior863]

Okay , advice from a guy who had slightly similar issues, and now, although not the most experienced with relationships, has been able to attract hot girls. 1. There's no shut off date to this stuff. You can learn to be attractive at any age, your experiences up to this point don't at all predict your future. 2. Being "emotional" is not unattractive. Being weak is. A man screaming with determination and rage towards a crowd of enemies is more attractive than some unemotional guy staying away from the fight out of impartiality.Often toughness isnt the absence of fear but the ability to overcome it. One girl saw me visibly nervous asking her out, and actually was attracted and impressed simply cus i had the balls to, and would often talk about other guys who were so overconfident they almost felt they were entitled to her saying yes, and Found it incredibly unattractive (its not what you think it is in movies) 3. Having a decent physique does help, but you don't need to look like a demigod. 4. Biggest one. STAND OUT. They're many men in the world, but you're one of a kind. Play on that. Don't be the pertect idea of a man, be the perfect idea of you. You have nerdy interests, thats great, unapologetically having a passion for something that doesn't fit into standards is low-key attractive. 5. Theres a difference between acting like you don't care what other people think and being an asshole. A good rule is ACT an asshole, but don't be one, and thats the most attractive thing. Unapologetic yet stilll empathetic. 6. Little other things, just get used to talking flirtatiously with women in general, make sure there's a distinction from your platonic interactions. Sometimes slightly teasing with mild compliments thrown in works well. But a lot of if this just comes with experience. Honestly, potentially just heading out to clubs and just getting with women casually is a way you can throw yourself in the deep end to becoming a lot more comfortable with presenting your sexuality round others. 7. Remember that attraction is massively a social factor. Girls are very influenced if someone in their community has rejected or accepted a guy. If you are rejected, often try somewhere else where no other girls are in the same social group. However also remember that attraction is a massively subjective factor, and no rejection has any implication on your worth as a person Also james bond is not only fictional, but also written originally as a psychopath with PTSD, hes an entertaining character, but not one written to live up to, anyone with those traits in real life would most likely be occupying a prison cell, or literally eventually have everyone leave him (which often happens in these films as well)

[@tavrincallas3218]

Very interesting video as usual! :) I can personally vouch for the part about confidence coming from overcoming fear. I'm scared of talking to women I don't know for a variety of reasons, but the few times I did find the courage to do it felt really good. I was like "whoa, nobody died, nobody was hurt/humiliated/bothered". I'm still scared of it, but not downright terrified as I once was. I think I may be feeling a degree of guilt because I got the wrong message over the years and started believing that talking to a stranger is inherently bad, intrusive and wrong, when in reality there's a night and day difference between saying hi and I don't know, harrassing somebody. It took me a while to understand that nuance and I'm slowly unlearning that

[@mrpotato7734]

The one thing I have learnt about attracting girls is that you will attract them when you stop trying to do things specifically to impress/attract them and do things to improve yourself (which the side effect of improving your self-esteem and also higher chance of attracting women) The irony is that to attract them, you should not think about attracting them at all

[@debanikgoswami4834]

Problem with dating advice videos is that even after following all their tips and tricks ,still a lot of girls will reject/ghost/friendzone you . There are no perfect dating advice .

[@roadtosuccess9243]

Y’all should read Brene Brown’s “Daring Greatly” I think it goes in further detail with this topic as well.

[@Dylan-ko2gj]

Dr. K I'm not being hyperbolic when I say that "confidence comes from surviving failure" may just completely change my life. I'm 25 years old and I've never been able to approach women because I have crippling feelings of inadequacy even though I'm in very good shape and everyone tells me I'm attractive. I've been trying to do things so that women will magically enter my life, like working on my physique and finances, when the truth is none of that has worked. People always say "just be confident". How can i be confident when I'm not? I need to just approach women I like and experience that rejection and failure in order to build confidence, which will in turn actually make me attractive because I will no longer be as insecure or socially anxious.

[@games68775]

Also search for and let go of any negative core beliefs feeding into feelings of inadequacy and feeling like an "other" among the rest, kind of like an outcast. You can desensitize yourself to things but getting truly comfortable entails sorting out what's going on inside as well. Takes both.

[@benniesngreen]

“Just be confident” is a weird one because I totally understood what that meant by my late 30s. Hearing that at age 23, I had no clue what it meant, and I’m not sure how I could have explained it to my 23yo self in a way that I’d have understood.

[@ryanbarker3978]

"I have crippling feelings of inadequacy even though I'm in very good shape and everyone tells me I'm attractive" This is a great starting point. Dive into some inner work to figure out where this is coming from. If you're not sure where to begin within yourself, coaching and therapy are awesome ways to guide you through your own mind. As you identify what is causing this core belief, social interactions and eventually relationships will get much easier.

[@mittey5365]

16:00-17:00 was one of the best moments of this video because of how realistic the advice sounds, you can’t please or get along with everyone, there is absolutely no fucking point in generalizing when it comes to dating and interacting with the opposite sex.

[@joshuarosa3476]

Honestly spot on at 7:25. I cared too much what other people thought, then completely stopped caring and was widely viewed by lots of people as an asshole. I’d do anything I wanted and talked as I pleased but why burn bridges. Learn to respect yourself and others. Self respect goes so far

[@identity7845]

K's attack on manosphere saying there is no such a thing as "what women want" because women are not a monolith (I'm paraphrasing), you know, I don't know. As a man, I am okay with the statement that there are things that men want/look for in a woman. Surely, there are outliers but generally similar things. The examples K gave were like tattoos which are very superficial things, and I feel like K was strawmanning the argument. Manosphere would say women want financial stability, good looks and personality, tallness is preferred, status is preferred, social competence is preferred etc. I accept that there are women who would date a short man who is a unemployed, but it's asinine to say you can't make any generalisations at all! Lately my biggest problem with Dr. K is how he downplays certain "schools of thought" and strawmans them. The message is sound, don't think that these ideas are necessarily very rigid, that you can't succeed if you lack thing X. The rhetoric is just not good when you portray things like manosphere or black pill so weakly.

[@mrpotato7734]

I agree. Its like not understanding that in a normal distribution, MOST people are in the middle = generalization is mostly correct because it is supported by our observation. He is just using lower probability on the lower tails of the distribution (using specific outlier to argue against a general observation) is kinda fallacious. I would've loved for him to instead steelman manosphere's argument and still crushing it. Kinda disappointed but still a relatively good video imo

[@Twootys]

When Dr.K said ''Generalizations are not true'' i was shocked. Because i believe all women want a taller,stronger,richer, charismatic man who could protect them in times of danger or generally if shit goes down. Are there some women who want to be with a broke guy who is shorter,weaker etc.? Possibly. But i believe its so statistically insignificant theyre not worth mentioning so i think its ok to generalize. If you dont have those traits i mentioned, women wont even give you a chance to talk to them on dating apps. And in real life they will talk to you out of politness, give you number or IG but never respond to you because you havent met their standards.

[@identity7845]

@@Twootys I think your comment is exactly the reason why K said that. If nothing else, it is pragmatic to believe that generalizations are not true. Negative opinions can become self-fulfilling prophesies, y'know. Bluepill can become a placebo pill that boosts you where you want to be. K is not spitting facts, he's telling you how to approach life in a healthy way.

[@biggibbs4678]

@@Twootys he's basically telling men to just count on luck instead of self improvement in order to meet their basic sexual and emotional needs. What kind of advice is that?

[@debanikgoswami4834]

​@@Twootys in my opinion dating for men is 30% effort and 70% luck. You can improve your appearance and communication skills. After that it's all luck.

[@Akumeitakai]

28:30 I can tell you from experience that surviving failure is the utter opposite of a confidence building exercise. Holy cow, Doctor K, when you eat at the failure buffet as long as I have the last thing you get to feel is confidence in yourself!

[@coerciasink]

Mark mentions in his book that he doesn't imply not to care about anything, but about less things, and the things that are important to you. Like giving a f*ck abt someone trying to harm your family member that you care about should be something you give a f*ck about, but caring about what strangers think about you, whom you aren't ever gonna even interact with much shouldn't be a priority at all. Most of the times, they don't even think about you.

[@OldManGamgee]

Truly excelllent. Again. I would leave an alternative wording, to the idea "Real confidence, comes from surving failure". Actually I'd say "Real confidence, comes from picking yourself from failure, still caring about it, not anestesising yourself nor pretending it didn't hurt, and still being able to go back and try again, and learn and become better than yesterday. And knowing you are someone who is able to fail, and try again." Sort of similar to the way we know now that true courage isn't not being afraid, but being able to act while stil being afraid.

[@franacha]

"Be what you are" This advice is the most hurtful one of them all. It is simply and sheerly impossible to follow. What does it mean, even? How do you "BE" something you're not? How do you be who you are when there's no who you are? How do you polish what you have to offer when you don't have something to offer?

[@sonnenshiro6045]

This is a good comment.