Gary Delaney | Ruthless One Liners

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[@stewills9711]

People need to remember, offensive jokes are meant to do that. They are not the views of the comedian telling them. We need more people like Gary.

[@brianhardrada1297]

He needs to put in a few jokes about Muhammad and the LGBTQ wingers.

[@snapitinmyanal5870]

shut up

[@standance9044]

@@brianhardrada1297 and monarchy ( espeially thai King)

[@strayhound3842]

They are not the views of the comedian? Now you ruined them!

[@CaseyBDook]

I do so love this kind of comedy. Very Jimmy Carr but not at the same time. Yes we need more. A lot more.

[@sopwithpuppy]

My favorite of Gary's one liners - "I went to a friend's funeral yesterday. The poor bastard drowned. All of us mates of his got him a wreath in the shape of a life preserver ... Well, it's what he would've wanted".

[@chebecat]

My favorite is when he's on top of a girl having a good time untill she opened her eyes fuck she's coming around.or I'm always worried when a girl sees me naked for the first time at the park one day she's going to get up and run away.

[@samihukka4490]

He has perfect voice to these "offensive" jokes. And the fackt that the mount of his material is just enormous is unbelieveble! Absolutely brilliant stuff.

[@davidmorrissey5075]

Why would anyone go to a gig knowing that they might be offended? Keep up the good work Gary

[@jeangrant1607]

Everybody was complaining about Garys jokes so for him to tell them again is pretty brave well done Gary

[@awm1527]

The issues with this comment is "everybody" actually means a tiny minority. We are at the stage now where a single or a few complaints on the pathetic, sad Social Media is reported to such a scale, anyone would think the majority of people are offended, which is simply not true. If anything, do what Gary has just done, keep repeating them. The ones who are offended seem to be the ones filled with hate, not the comedians.

[@snapitinmyanal5870]

you shut up

[@stevebrockwell65]

M&97@@awm1527 mm,t? 89⁹8k(

[@jamieclarke2694]

​@AWM So true. The latest is "Snoop Doggs fans are up in arms because he slapped a female stage performers arse on stage as part of a show"...... Sure, because Snoop Dogg's fans expect nothing but the utmost respect for women from an OG rapper, so it makes total sense that they would complain about that... The media claiming "fans" are complaining is almost always completely false lol

[@geminian7846]

​@@jamieclarke2694Makes me think of articles prefaced "Scientists say . . . "

[@Skinhead-201]

Superb. Genuine comedy. Loved every minute of it.

[@jameshawe7499]

Gary we saw you in Aberdeen about 5 years ago. You were absolutely brilliant you talked to us after the show and you was a gentleman 👍🏻👍🏻

[@ajsbrushworksllc8348]

It's nothing more than humor. I found these to be brilliant!!

[@johnmanning5568]

Great humour.

[@peterstubbs7802]

We need more Gary's in the world...love it. 🤣🤣🤣👍🏻

[@johnmanning5568]

*Garys. Why an apostrophe?

[@peterstubbs7802]

Thanks for pointing out the mistake , I stand corrected 👍🏻​@@johnmanning5568

[@johnmanning5568]

@@peterstubbs7802 unfortunately it took me a year to tell you!

[@peterstubbs7802]

@@johnmanning5568 I noticed 😂

[@peterfenwick2540]

The "I pulled a sickie" took a while to sink in but when it dawned on me I almost broke wind I laughed so much :-)

[@andrewday3206]

I embarrassed to admit it went over my head

[@markhowards420]

Have you made it to the end of Gary's routine yet ?

[@Link_Says]

​@Andrew Day his timing is terrible. But he means he either wanked off, or picked up a sick person.

[@Catford24]

I love the way he sometimes doesn’t finish the joke as he’s laughing too much

[@MrDaddyGazz]

It's good to see a comedian genuinely laugh at his own jokes

[@thesnowdens]

@@MrDaddyGazz Or just laugh at his own jokes!!

[@stasonmason7264]

@@thesnowdens His laugh is a lighter version of Jimmy Carr's.

[@toddmastrianna1780]

this is the most I`ve physically laughed at a comedian in years...thank you

[@carolramsey6287]

He's exactly right to do this. When I was a child my grandmother used to remind my sister and I to say "Please"and "Thank you" etc. She was very prim and proper. One day my uncle walked into the sitting room while she was knitting and tore off a thunderous fart. She looked up and prompted him "I beg your pardon" he replied "Oh, sorry. Didn't you hear it the first time?' and did it again. I got a smack for laughing.

[@no-one-in-particular]

my sister and me

[@eddyblackmore2834]

@@no-one-in-particular r/confidentlyincorrect I would be the correct usage there.

[@no-one-in-particular]

@@eddyblackmore2834 No, it isn't, "me" is correct. If it were only the one person involved, you would say "my grandmother used to remind me". The inclusion of the sister does not change the case.

[@elliotspencer2648]

Bloody brilliant!, we need more jokes like this in the world!!.

[@MarkWitucke]

Fisting a ventriloquist! Haahaha made me laugh right out of the gate

[@NoosaHeads]

One of my friends lost his son and on the _day_ of that tragedy, he turned up for tennis, explaining it was either that or stay at home and cry. He chose to take his mind off the misery, doing something he loved. Afterwards, some of the players (unaware of the event) were telling jokes. My friend started laughing and for those precious few minutes, he was able to get away from the nightmare of what he'd suffered, thanks to comedy. It was therapeutic and enabled him to get through a difficult period that most of us can't even contemplate. Humour isn't ever offensive, unless you _choose_ to be offended. If this friend could be cheered up by humour, 12 hours after being given the worst news possible, then we all can. Personally, I'd support a law that jailed anyone complaining about jokes. In this dysfunctional and miserable world, we need more ironic and "offensive" jokes, not less. Those who would say otherwise are enemies of happiness and don't belong in normal society. When I was at Gramnar school, in the 60s, we mercilessly lampooned each other. This is where and how, we learnt our debating and riposte skills. Nowadays, kids are so insulated from everything that they have no ability to reply to any remark. We're breeding an entire generation that is unequipped to respond to anything. All thanks to the miserable and sanctimonious "degenerate puritans" (sic) who tout themselves as the arbiters of good taste.

[@brucemadge8147]

Brilliant comment. Totally agree.

[@tomcartwright7134]

Ian Rivlin, I too was in elementary and middle school in the mid sixties. I remember well the hilarious and sometimes ruthless things we would say to each other. We did in fact learn to sharpen our wit, and to grow a thicker skin . Most of these snowflake college kids and young adults would melt down , begging for a safe space as we unloaded a fusillade of withering insults. This comedian is killer funny. Some of the jokes are over the line , but none of it makes me angry or offended. He is brilliant.

[@tim7052]

Ian Rivlin: Superbly put!! I totally agree!! Political correctness has got out of hand and is screwing society and interpersonal relationships!!

[@craigfowler7098]

100% behind you brother and very well articulated.

[@Eppu_Paranormaali]

Well, there is a golden rule "punch up, not down". I learned it the hard way after assaulting a random special kid the other day.

[@stephenriley9084]

Your laugh between jokes...... priceless!😂😂😂😂😂

[@ivegotaquestionforyou206]

Thank god some people still have a sense of humour, brilliant

[@NoosaHeads]

One of my friends lost his son and on the _day_ of that tragedy, he turned up for tennis, explaining it was either that or stay at home and cry. He chose to take his mind off the misery, doing something he loved. Afterwards, some of the players (unaware of the event) were telling jokes. My friend started laughing and for those precious few minutes, he was able to get away from the nightmare of what he'd suffered, thanks to comedy. It was therapeutic and enabled him to get through a difficult period that most of us can't even contemplate. Humour isn't ever offensive, unless you _choose_ to be offended. If this friend could be cheered up by humour, 12 hours after being given the worst news possible, then we all can. Personally, I'd support a law that jailed anyone complaining about jokes. In this dysfunctional and miserable world, we need more ironic and "offensive" jokes, not less. Those who would say otherwise are enemies of happiness and don't belong in normal society.

[@ivegotaquestionforyou206]

@@NoosaHeads For me I served in forces for 22 years and as you can imagine there were some difficult times during which we used humour as part of the way way to deal with them, laugh or cry as the saying goes. A joke is ultimately that, a joke, no one really would laugh at some of the topics in a real situation of sadness but as you have said it is just a joke and in the modern world you can’t seem to say anything without offending someone. I am glad that some people agree and can see it for what it is. I can’t even imagine how I would cope in your friends situation and although I am sure he will never get over it I hope your friend is doing ok.

[@seandaly6573]

Free speech at its finest!

[@zastorlexa9800]

He was one of the funnier parts of Mock the Week when he was a regular.

[@MyBelch]

Great stuff. Love these one-liners.

[@jardc5108]

Absolutely love dark jokes but this took it too far - into the absolutely fucking hilarious territory 🤣

[@snapitinmyanal5870]

shut up

[@craigfowler7098]

Didn't realise you could go too far!!

[@anarchy9974]

What's the best thing about a prostitute dying? The 2nd hour is free

[@jardc5108]

@@anarchy9974 I fucking really appreciate that joke by the way hahahaha

[@sstigger38]

I'm a THIN, American Man, and for the last bunch of years, I've been watching ALL SORTS of stand up shows from Jimmy Carr, Sarah Millican, Mock the Week, stand up show's in the UK Apollo, and now I found YOURS!! Your jokes would TOTALLY offend an average American, but I've never been accused of being average, more.... abnormal then anything really! LOL I just wanted to say, KEEP THE JOKES COMING Mr. Delaney, YOUR AWESOME!!!

[@davidfoster8318]

Funnily enough, you listed his wife in there.

[@craig1538]

@@davidfoster8318 That's so true David. He and Jimmy Carr have been married for quite a few years now.

[@Snoopy_2607]

Sarah Millican is his wife...and much funnier.

[@bastgojira8072]

I love comedians who laugh at their own jokes.

[@andrew6793]

I want to get intouch with Gary just to thank him for making me laugh

[@sirterryhoosh2779]

He is good at replying on his own vids. He replied to me.

[@georgebook1723]

He replies on Instagram

[@snapitinmyanal5870]

what is wrong with you. shut up

[@focusedman5759]

The "dont forget poo bags" one gets me every time😂😂😂😂

[@TheSuzberry]

He’s having so much fun.

[@kenluthwood3782]

Gifted funny smart comedian

[@brianhardrada1297]

The Emo joke is my favourite.

[@stuartmiller7419]

Would love to see Gary Lineker's reaction to this performance.

[@jasonbarr3546]

i hope there will always be comedians who are willing to do accept whatever criticism they may get in order to make the rest of us laugh. Keep it up brother.

[@magillanz]

Gary is one of my favourite comics

[@lenaccarlsson]

I've only heard Gary on Mock the Week. This was so refreshing as I love offensive jokes and a bit of swearing!

[@BatteryExhausted]

Shouldn’t that be called ‘Behead and Shoulders’

[@tomfrost2600]

Either works

[@foxmaximas1990]

Absolute superb comedian and everyone needs to remember it’s really just word play

[@paulsherriff6337]

Excellent as always

[@shubr66]

Waving her bucket 🤣🤣

[@robstimson4234]

l've known about this cat for just a few days and l'm smitten with him. l'm not sure what i'm more gobsmacked by... the brilliantly tasteless jokes or his wonderful, amazed laughter between them! l came ohm an hour ago, in a shite mood, and NOW l FEEL GREAT! The beer and the cookie and the gin and the smokes account for mebbe 47.38571% of that. Dave who?

[@nigelwade892]

My favourite stand up !

[@Diamondgee80]

The dolphin one at 6.15 ish had me thinking for a few seconds....then I spat my drink out!! 🤣

[@Diamondgee80]

7.35-8 had me ☠️

[@natureisallpowerful]

Him and Tim Vine are my favourite characters for one liners

[@russtaylor2122]

Yeah. Also Stewart Francis... Steven Wright... Kevin Schwartz...

[@tiffenberg]

Milton Jones too

[@philharrington1997]

some of those jokes were savage and i loved 'em

[@AndrewSmotor]

Freedom of speech. Beautiful 😍

[@billdewrell8436]

I could watch this for days..

[@kevin85858]

Brutal and absolutely hilarious 😂

[@alanjwilley3021]

Brutally wonderful.

[@Liam-bv3ux]

I’m supposed to be going to sleep for work but I’m creased at this 🤣🤣🤣

[@MultipleMadness1]

Absolutely brilliant!! Doesn’t give a fuck, just how comedians should be I think

[@ianmcgrath4170]

Bin Laden was on the show Ready Steady Cook,,he made a Big Apple Crumble.

[@martineyer5336]

He is truly evil love it 😂👍

[@markvickery4032]

100% top comic keep it up Gary 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👍👍

[@memphistube]

Just seen him tonight at a sell out show in Lancaster.....howling!🤣🤣🤣

[@AndrewJohnson-oy8oj]

There's always that joke when you say "OH, oh jesus, yup that's the one that got me!"

[@chrislee4870]

That's the funniest thing I've seen in a while🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@garnettcromie1485]

I think Gary is brilliant. It`s a joke, the only people who get offended are those who want to be offended. I visualize all his jokes and that is what his humour is all about. He`s a top comedian. I can`t wait to see him. Gary keep being yourself !!

[@Joker66623]

Sitting on a plastic raft in Stanmore Bay NZ. I lived in a beach house for around 3-4 months aged 20 in 2013. Wow I miss them days. Listening to this song brings that memory back.

[@camogrrl]

What song? This is standup…

[@happymaskedguy1943]

Bot

[@Sammy-il1qf]

I get offended by jokes all the time. Bad jokes that is, that miss the mark! These are not that. Gary is hilarious. 😂

[@clungepoker6749]

Absolute quality Mr D 😂😂😂

[@chrisphallheatlover9848]

Love it!!

[@kennyhagan5781]

This is the good stuff.

[@andrewmorris28]

🤣🤣🤣 Paul's laughing at the end

[@enoughofyourkoicarp]

The only reason I'm complaining about this is because I want to hear more of them.

[@kevintracey4644]

Priceless!

[@NallDave]

I wish to complain! Nearly broke my ribs laughing.

[@philipvanhaastrecht7311]

Great jokes!👍🤣

[@davegonnaway6007]

Funny fella....didn't know James wade did comedy aswell as darts...

[@manutddachamps08]

Haha that’s what I was thinking

[@tonybussey8763]

I grew up with The Comedians and Jim Davidson and Love thy neighbor. We need a revival of these classics poking fun at racism 😊

[@TheMaxPower82]

Gary is fucking brutal. Love him ❤

[@MACHOO179]

"Shoulders" lol

[@nickshergar]

*How* refreshing and good is it to see a comedian absolutely knocking it out the park with jokes and not pandering to wokeness 👏👏👏👏👏👏👍

[@shack7631]

There is nothing wrong with offensive humour as long as there is wit behind it. This guy has that by the bucket load.

[@TheHippocrocapig]

Not even Jimmy carr or frankie Boyle can touch the snatches joke! Legend

[@wisteela]

I love this guy.

[@paddyt4043]

Some real gems in there

[@milton7763]

I’m glad he kept it decent this time

[@friarbishme]

Gary Delaney , such witty one liners. Gary and Paul smith are the best

[@Knuckles1105]

As are Stewart Francis and Milton Jones!

[@TheTezz100]

Defo mixed one liners there 😂 Didn't know if I was knob for laughing a certain one's 🤷‍♂️

[@pizzagateisreal]

These are amazing

[@DaVane]

I am offended by the warning... job well done, sir! 😛

[@joerogers1417]

Phenomenal as always

[@FistandFootMartialArts]

Dude needs help. Expensive professional help! LMAO!

[@theAussie01]

LOL 😂

[@grantleyhughes]

So good. So very good.

[@MoonOfSatan]

Excellent work

[@brianboys9015]

Excellent

[@colin25250]

One of the very few who really are 'comedians' and not just lazy, audience feeders or personal life 'story tellers' - for instance, they come on and start by saying ' I've just got engaged' and expect a clap or a laugh!!!!

[@exessex3522]

Well, you say that but when you think of a comedian like Kevin Bridges, his material is very different to GD's. He talks mostly about things that happened to him, and he's a much loved, very successful and brilliant comedian. I wouldn't call that lazy.

[@johnmaciver]

🤣 Quality.

[@barrysmith8285]

I like it a lot...Gary is GREAT

[@johannesaxeman4508]

"Shoulders" hahahahaha can't get enought hahahaha offensive? no, funny. Big diff.

[@simonspoke]

You'd never hear these on Mock the Week! :'D

[@mrvenum8741]

Fukin brilliant made me laugh out loud a lot

[@Winn-Daniel]

These are fantastic

[@shaecummings1393]

The pedo in a florist had me creasing

[@blue39503]

That boy ain't right. LOL

[@alexmorrison1122]

I fucking love this guy

[@scottandrewjohnmiddleton8676]

Absolutely fucking awesome 🤣🤣🤣👍

[@jameswalker9298]

He would be amazing at a comedy roast session 😂

[@davidwalker4578]

Keep telling them 👌

[@jamieburnette2438]

Absolute genius.

[@Pocketpatriot]

Absolutely brilliant

[@snowman7234]

I'm so tired of people thinking they have a right not to be offended. There used to be a time where if something offended you, you cringed a little, and then simply moved on with your life. Now it's "We have to bring this asshat down! They have no right to speak like that!". Good on you, Gary!