How A Fearful Avoidant Reacts To A Break Up & How To Win Them Back! | Fearful Avoidant Attachment

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In this video, I talk about how a fearful avoidant attachment style (disorganized attachment) reacts to a break up and how to win them back, if that is what you want.
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:17 - Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style Overview
00:01:10 - Truth #1: Violate Boundaries When Triggered
00:06:11 - What To Do if You’re the Fearful Avoidant
00:09:14 - 7-Day Trial: Somatic Processing Course
00:05:20 - What To Do if You’re The Loved One
00:12:02 - Summary
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!
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[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Fearful Avoidant's, please add/share what your experience is like after a breakup

[@lisa4cohen]

I stayed really mad as protection ( but it was Covid and borders were shut ) and knew I was unable to see my former DA and I did not let him speak to me for fear my defence mechanism would break down so text only and I was cruel .. anger helped me feel strong and protected and it took almost 2 years ( Covid excuse) to stay armoured and when I finally showed up it was obviously too late .. I have been working on my FA.. ism for almost a year and I feel amazing and almost cured .. I can’t wait to see in my next relationship BUT right now I’m dating ME

[@lucytownsend1176]

I tend to do the isolate hard from everyone and fall into depression until I feel safe feeling my feelings.

[@elliexir9091]

I learned to have enough self control not to leave relationships relatively early, so generally I've been over the relationship for months before actually leaving. So the relationship ending is a relief and I want to make the most of my newfound freedom. Everything you describe happens for me before actually ending the relationship. (former FA)

[@niktendo2000]

Rebounding FA is very painful to deal with. It's important to remember that ITS NOT PERSONAL. Its a very poor coping strategy for them and not a reflection on you.

[@anon_ya]

Thank you for this ❤

[@sandrastrikovsky3986]

With all due respect, I don't understand why on earth would anyone want to win back an avoidant partner after having the courage to break up with them. They can be very harmful. Three months after leaving him, I'm still affected, but for nothing in the world I would go back to a dynamics of cold and hot that was destroying my self-esteem.

[@feelsrestricted8322]

I am an FA and I am sorry for how you were treated. We do try really hard to be what we need for our partners and sometimes we forget to enforce the boundaries and ask of our partners what we need to be more regulated. I ended things with a DA a while back so I understand why you would never want to go through that again.

[@NathanSprouleDrums]

100%

[@lisa4cohen]

@@feelsrestricted8322 I feel u 😢

[@beasmarty]

Feel like an even bigger asshole now. Big hugs though, I really hope you heal and get treated with maximum love and respect 💙

[@sherriflemming3218]

💯 Sandra SA here. Extreme FA's are a human minefield. Avoidants aren't my type.

[@disorder_go]

Mine usually shows up again after several months. Comes back quickly and disappears again just as fast!

[@LavenderHazelwood]

I've gone internal and often have gone into an abandonment melange for a couple of weeks. If I'm being broken up with that happens right away. If I'm breaking up with the other person there will be a delayed reaction until I feel it and then fall in. And depression and dissociation ensue. I don't do rebounds. I get defensive for a long time and don't want anyone -esp. men within sniffing distance of me.

[@PhetteHollins]

Former FA here 🙋🏾‍♀️ I used to be notorious for rebounding. A large chunk of my adult life was nothing but rebounds. I only stopped with this pattern after I got pregnant. That was a huge wake up call. Thank goodness for healing 💜

[@primerdimers]

I love your daily videos You're as enjoyed as my morning cup of coffee! ❤️

[@Joe-jc5ol]

Lol I wish my coping was working out 2 hours a day.

[@roshalllambert]

I love the monster under the bed story!! I have heard her say this a lot during webinars and its great she is sharing it here!

[@tucky3191]

Thank you!!!!!

[@jarrettreese9102]

I was in a long distance relationship with a really nice girl that I believe has a fearful avoidant attachment style. Everything was going great, we communicated really well and had great conversations about what we wanted out of the relationship and grew really close over the past year. I believe I'm an anxious preoccupied attachment style and I know I tend to push harder when she would seem to pull away. It happened before where we didnt talk for a few days and she would come back, but before our breakup it went for two weeks where we didnt talk and she told me she misses me but about a week later she ended things. I know I have stuff I need to work on but these videos are helping me understand her side of things better. I hope we can get back together and be better for one another because I've never had such a strong connection with someone before.

[@sherriflemming3218]

Long distance relationships can be a recipe for disaster. Many people don't want to relocate. A cyber relationship is fantasy based and artificial Intimacy. Proximity is continuity.

[@Dalt73]

Any update?

[@TheGreenTaco999]

​@@sherriflemming3218 shit take

[@3alondrakaren]

Thank you for this. This was very helpful where can I find part 2?

[@lilelly16]

I am now secure, but with FA tendencies. I just broke up with a person I was dating yesterday. I am having various feelings that I am kind of surprised by. I try to stay with them and let them be there. I feel a lot of sadness in my body, and also very strong tiredness, which is surprising to me! Before, I for sure would have numbed - with food, TV, friends... and would somehow have felt worse than now, just being present with the feelings. I know it will get better soon!

[@13se05]

I also started doing this recently - feeling my feelings and letting them pass. I used to be so scared of being overwhelmed by them because I wouldn't know what to do with them in the past but now I just roll with it instead of repressing and even just learning how to do that has been a massive milestone. Such a good feeling

[@lucytownsend1176]

Thank you both for your shares. I am just starting to practice sitting with my feelings instead of running from them. I still fear them overwhelming me, taking control of me, and drowning in them. As I am practicing sitting with them, my fears aren’t coming true, and I am seeing how much quicker I am able to release a situation, issue and move forward in freedom. ✨

[@Julsies7]

I don’t think you’re secure then if you have fa tendencies.

[@anon_ya]

Yep, working out 1-2x a day, long walks, bingeing podcasts, getting fixated on goals. It’s basically all distractions, I’m finally learning. I guess I used self improvement as my escape.

[@pixiebomb28]

I've done a few tests and apparently I'm FA but i do feel like I'm a bit of everything, FA,DA and AP. Going through a breakup right now (1 week in) and tbh all I want is to be alone. You're definitely right about feeling feelings intermittently.

[@pablocs3311]

Thais has spoken at length about FA being a mix of DA and AP. FAs tend to show traits from all the spectrum. Also why it's also called disorganized attachment style. Sounds like you're definitely an FA.

[@velmurugan47]

When do you feel like being contacted iie after how many weeks is it Om good to talk to my partner she is also an FA Just to get an idea

[@pixiebomb28]

@velmurugan47 hey, honestly. My situation is a bit different as the person also has avoidant traits and is emotionally unavailable so I'm not sure if this will apply as my main thing would be resolving the unavailability we both have. But I'd say give it a month, I tend to lean anxious so my nervous system goes through a lot and I need time to regulate

[@georgee.9631]

You mentioned that an FA needs to get use to the pain... i find this is the hardest part for me. I internalize my feelings and it feels like the wounds of the past revive and i feel them intensely. Especially the sadness of the loss. I know I wasn't at fault but the pain is felt physically as well. Every betrayal hurts since i let them get so close to me. Now i tend to be alone. More so than when i was young. I tend to push people away when i need space. My biggest regret is that I hurt so many people because i was hurting and broken hearted. I can't do that now because of the guilt i feel when i realize that because of me someone else is hurting. Thanks to you that i have understood what an attachment style is and why i act as i do. Looking back at my past, i know that i grew up in a chaotic situation. Where if i did not act in the right or expected way that i would be punished. My parents divorced when i was extremely young and my father took advantage of the fact my mom only spoke Spanish to say she was an unfit mother so he wouldn't have to pay child support. After he left the airforce, he returned me my mother and we couldn't communicate because i spoke English and she Spanish. We overcame and frankly i am proud of how fluent i am in both languages. Even then as a single mother i was a latch key kid growing up. Perhaps this is why i think that i tend to lean DA.

[@gillybeans131]

I was dating a guy I now believe to be an FA over the summer. We had a strong connection but I could tell he was still hurting from the past. 6 months previously his ex had cheated on him. He was hot and cold and would sometimes give the silent treatment. The abrupt shutdown and lack of conversation hurt me deeply. Watching this video I'm just realising that I was probably a rebound :/

[@sherriflemming3218]

Recognize unhealthy behavior for what it is. Needs to do the work on himself. Not healthy relationship material. Not over an ex, still involved or healed from past experiences, not ready for a healthy new relationship. 3 or more is a crowd.

[@Alixir1228]

This is my exact situation as well, except he dated a few girls between me and the cheating ex, so I thought things were okay. Funny enough, the cheating ex was a rebound from his first long-term relationship and ended up being his longest relationship (5 years).

[@musicandart9711]

@@Alixir1228 same story. my ex's ex wife was his rebound after a 5 year relationship, turned out to be his longest relationship of 6 years. Both of them cheated on him though, and as I know he did the same. Then he dated another girl right after the ex wife for one year, the girl cheated on him as well.

[@LavenderHazelwood]

Yes, I had a monster under bed too and also in the toilet :)

[@cmdcxx]

My 10 months relationship with an FA broke up with me, an AP today. For 3 months, I noticed she was being snippy and hot and cold with me. I would ask what was wrong and she said stress from work. Come to find out a month ago, she shared she realized she resented me for our past arguments that I thought we had worked out. She asked for space. We saw each other 3 times in the last month. When I asked for boundaries and reassurance to look out for myself during this space she wants, she told me I didn’t respect her boundaries of no texting more than 5 times if it’s a serious conversation. She refused to talk on the phone or to talk face to face so that was confusing. She then created more space to think about how to move forward with me and made me wait another 3 weeks for her to feel her feelings. Today I got her to talk about her feelings and perception of our relationship. She was numb and cold as if our connection was for nothing. I don’t take it personally and I’m disappointed in her but I understand she isn’t in a space in her life to be emotionally available.

[@cmdcxx]

She has a completely different perception of what happened which is pretty maddening. I called her out for her actions, I took accountability for mine and I openly told her I hope she can empathize some day, that I’ll miss her forever and thanked her for listening.

[@roberttruman8444]

@@cmdcxx I can totally relate to this. I was dating a woman for 6 years on and off and she'd been using excuses for why we could not progress the relationship for at least "another year or 18 months. Each time she blamed it on some unfortunate circumstance that was beyond her control. The problem with this type of excuse though was that it implied the intention was there was some sort of obstacle standing in our way. So apart from being dishonest she was also giving me something to hope for and work to try and fix, which would then prompt her to find other obstacles or some way to widen the goalposts. she wouldn't discuss problems we faced but instead she'd disappear for several weeks, and just like your friend she'd block all other forms of communication leaving just text.I'm pretty sure that they do this to control you because they can and do pick and select what parts of your message to respond to (if any). Without getting my side of the story she'd take her perception of a recent event, whether or not it was true or accurate and she would decide on how to view it and even if she didn't believe that story she'd still commit to it and honour it like it really happened. It drove me insane to think of her forming her feelings about me or our situation, and often without good reason. You are able to see the FA slowly put out the flame while you remain powerless to stop it. Sadly I have so many years invested I find it so impossible to turn away. I'm sorry you had such a hard time, and hope things pick up for you soon.

[@nishanttn]

This is my story

[@cmdcxx]

Well, I was contacted but by a different ex who did the same thing. It had been 2 years. She apologized and took full accountability.

[@Aggressive_architect]

same with me: cut off voice/video communication, only text. also it's all because of work blah blah i'm tired.

[@alirh1145]

All were true but as a FA I dont think I would have done rebound ever because I can still blame myself for the last relationship even if it wasnt my fault at all (guilt core wound) so how can I do rebound and add shame core wound to it as well. I mean it is already lot of emotions which a FA tries to suppress by distracting them self

[@rashidarowe7882]

Depends on how deeply I loved the person or my level of emotional connection. I have left many relationships where I did not missed the person or cared how they felt, I just wanted them gone, then they are some, very few who I had a strong connection with, three to be exact 2 had narcissistic personalities, the other a DA, so you could imagine the roller coaster ride in those relationships, my personality keeps me alone and often lonely, I have to mention I am also bipolar and an introvert..

[@Joshua-rp2nq]

Got broken up with 3 weeks ago. I now know that she is FA and it's so sad to see how conflicted her feelings are. She really does not want to lose me but at the same time she felt so trapped after moving in with me. And that without me displaying any AP behaviour as I am SA leaning DA. I just hope she gives us a chance again in the future as our relationship was very good.

[@lsh292]

I was with a FA for 4 years. He wanted to marriage and all of that. He is also studying and always busy because he needs to study. I think he gets into that mode where he needs his space and blame studying. Yesterday he said he has to put our future plans on hold because he needs to finish his studies next month. What has that to do with us? Just realised for good im just nice to have around and he will never commit. I did send him a kind and calm message that we can work on things when and if he realises that he needs me in his life and I have even more love for him the morning I sent the message. I just can’t go in a ring again and again hoping he will commit. Since I sent the message he didn’t respond. Perhaps he never will.

[@sherriflemming3218]

If someone wants to they will.

[@myspirit.divinecenter2980]

Thais, can you do a video on the limbic system and how hot and cold behavior creates anxiety and affects the nervous system ?

[@cupcake0480]

It can cause a cascade of hormones that the body becomes addicted to, making it hard to end. Your nervous system will be jacked up due to this confusion and cognitive dissonace and chronic anxiety. It can take quite a while to heal that. It’s in the body, not the mind, so looking for somatic healing will help. You won’t be able to think your way to healing with this sort of thing

[@jt9031]

where's part 2? I am pregnant and FA bf of 2.5 years with on an off again relationship just left a few days ago by moving out and leaving me pregnant along with my 3 other kiddos. We had gone through a very stressful time due to pregnancy complications, he went into a mania state, then crashed hard. He said he gets so overstimulated and has ocd that he couldn't deal with living here but he never saw it in normal state only chaos because I was emotionally and physically unavaiable to care for my kids or be a good partner. He has so much resentment and has said so many mean things. I know i was unable to really undersatnd or hear his needs at the time but have made changes in the past few weeks as I have been feeling much better but seems its too late. We have a son together and i really do care and love him. He is an amazing guy when not in fight or flight. please help.

[@schylerjohnson9216]

Sooooo, the person that got dumped, has to do ALL the leg work of reconciliation like reaching out and getting the ball rolling if you want any chance of reconnecting? 😅 YIKES no thanks

[@koala01111986]

I came back to an ex once when I was young and both times I broke up with him for fears (looking back I now understand what I used to do, didn't know back then), only because I had strong feelings. Now my not healed FA ex (?) did the same when his fears went to the roof. He said that he couldn't even see me briefly 'cos he would have started to have anxiety. 3-4 weeks later he started to pop up once a week where he knows he can find me and casually bump into me. During these brief encounters he has started to open up again a bit. He is in therapy right now, it will be long but hope it'll work. Sometimes I had thought about going into a rebound but then my "I like my indipendence and being on my own" speaks and I say "Naaaa, better off alone"

[@joeflanagan5699]

I was dating a FA for 4 months. Everything was going very well. She told me things like I'm the guy she's been waiting to walk into her life forever, I give her all the things she's been looking for in a relationship, etc.I noticed some signs of her pulling away, but that was before I understood her attachment style. Then out of nowhere I got this text... "I made it back to work without too much trouble. I don't know how to text this without it coming as a blindsided conversation but I've given it a lot of thought. I don't think I can move forward with our relationship. You haven't done anything that would cause me to feel this way. In fact you are really amazing and I should run toward that. I know we briefly talked about this when I stayed over. I'm still pretty selfish with my time and that isn't fair to you either. You deserve to have your cup full to the brim and I don't think I'm the one to do that. If you want to talk after work today we can do that of course but I wanted to give you a heads up on how I feel." That was 2 weeks ago. We talked that night and she told me that I'm this great guy and she doesn't know why she feels like she can't move forward. We talked again Tuesday night and not much had changed. I'm at a loss of what to do now. How long do you wait to have that conversation mentioned in this video? Do you wait the two to three weeks until she's started to settle out of the deactivating behavior?

[@xxxxxx3279]

What happend next?

[@audtasticgirl]

Sounds about FA. I just did this because a need wasn’t being met. And I’m iced out by my FA/DA partner.

[@cody-nb4nt]

In all honesty, if someone wants out, let em. It’s not easy or fun or fair to you, but if someone doesn’t have the ability to talk through their emotions and thoughts without resorting to breaking up right away, then they just aren’t ready to be a loving partner. Even if you have a non-healthy attachment style, a person with a partner needs to be able to say something along the lines of “hey I want to keep seeing you but these rough and confusing feelings keep popping up for me. Can I talk through them with you and talk about what I may need moving forward?” You can have a non-secure attachment style and still be in a good relationship, but only if you communicate what’s going on with you. I can tell you for my past experience that when you give them space and let them come back, they repeat the cycle if they aren’t working on it. So you’ll just get them constantly questioning whether they want to be with you or not. Which will impact your trust in the relationship. And ultimately, without any internal work on their end, will leave you anyway.

[@TheQueenIsWithin]

Send her a similar text and see how she reacts. These people can't continue to use people for an emotional boost and then discard them conveniently. They're energy vampires and sociopaths plain and simple. She's breadcrumbing you and keeping you around just in case.

[@IvayloHristovHristov]

Quite similar to what happened to me. I am in the 4th week on no contact and embracing myself more and more. Not in a rush to reach out although I still feel the need. Day by day it gets better. Focus on yourself!

[@erinh.665]

Do you have the link for part 2?

[@AG-vp1ok]

Thank you for this video, but you forgot to add it to your "How to Get Your Ex Back" playlist.

[@ventolininhaler1583]

I never had the courage to look under the bed. Was scared of the monster until I was old enough to ignore it

[@viiiRA_]

I'm a FA that managed to develop a secure attachment over the past few years. Encountered a woman that I took an interest in recently whom I realised too late happened to be an FA.. so now I'm in a weird position battling between restoring my secure attachment and my instinctual FA. Worst part is being an FA, she has a tendency to come back whilst I'm trying to heal... I can't get away from her without quitting my current job.

[@russ123321bunya]

How is it going mate?

[@alicjakrol2798]

I'm on the same boat. I have been doing therapy for 2 years and entered dating world again feeling pretty confident I won't get into a mess again. The first guy I had serious intentions towards was FA...f$&k my life 😅

[@JesseMoore-fs3uh]

I want to know how to coparent and have a cordial relationship with a FA. We are getting a Divorce and this is the 3rd time she got triggered and ran to the same emotional affair and filed divorced. 3 in 3 years. I’m learning that she is a FA as I been working on myself to become secured. I know that she will never see herself as a FA and will never get help for it. With that I am ready to move on, I am more fearful of how to handle this coparent relationship. I would think it should be good since FA are great at superficial conversations.

[@BetterLoveMovement]

I am an FA, with more anxious leaning tendencies and I just broke up with my DA ex today. I dated him for 7 months long distance and after having sex three times over the last two months, his behavior started to grow more and more avoidant! It was crazy making and after watching a few videos on this channel, I decided to end things. These DA's are DANGEROUS to your self esteem and your mental health. You need to steer clear of them, especially if they are 1) completely unaware of their attachment style, and 2) are doing absolutely NOTHING to change and grow. I'm sad and frustrated as I think we are very similar in a lot of ways and would have been great together. I made him aware that I will be "disappearing" for a while to process my feelings and move forward. I don't expect him to reach out and that is ok with me. I wish him the best and I pray he works on his traumas and becomes more emotionally available and securely attached.

[@anon_ya]

How are you doing now? Im an FA and broke up with a DA 2 months ago for similar things (hot/cold dynamics, he only chased when I pulled away due to frustration with his coldness).

[@BetterLoveMovement]

@@anon_ya I am wiser for this experience and I am secretly glad I went through it. I miss the feelings I had with him, but NOT HIM. He got into a rebound relationship three weeks after our relationship ended so that stung a bit. What gives me peace though is that this will simply start his cycle all over again. When 6-7 months goes by, he will pull away once things get real. He has done this cycle several times I found out (I actually may have been the rebound from the relationship before me!). If nothing changes, nothing will change for him. I have more compassion and pity now.

[@hirsch4650]

Hey what if the anxious attached broke up with fa because of extremely hard push and pull dynamics after triggering the fa? One day my fa loved me, the next my fa was unsure if she would be happier without me. The more i was pushing towards her, putting her on a pedestal and tried to make things workout and save the relationship (because i as an anxious was triggered too), the more she pulled away. I only broke up because i literally couldnt stand it anymore and i was sure our „dynamic“ wouldnt get normal again, just get worse. No contact for almost 3 month. 2 month my fa ex was posting almost every day some shit and was numbing the feelings, no for about 3 weeks, no posts, didnt see them anymore anywhere. So yeah i dumped her, but im really sure she wanted me to break up and provocated me to do it because she didnt have the courage to do it. Expect my fa ex to reach out? Or do i have to reach out? She was the one who didnt appreciate the relationship anymore and threw it away. So i think she has to reach out, at least indirectly, to show me there is interest in talking. I wont ever reach out first without receiving signs from my ex that she wants me to reach out. Otherwise i would be dumb as shit i just run into the knife. So my question: what if the anxious dumped the fa? Waiting for the fa to indirectly give signs understandable?

[@ModusVivendiMedia]

10:20 - What To Do if You’re The Loved One (not 5:20)

[@grow2be]

How can you possibly know what your FA ex is doing if you’re in no contact?!

[@droflivelife]

Just contacted my FA ex after 5 months no contact. She was kind and polite but cold as ice when it came to us and relationship. Not missing me or no intention of getting back. Said she knows she will be single forever and has no issue just being with a different guy each week. All this after talking kids, marriage, house etc. Like a robot not human.

[@Josh-db1ls]

can they just work all the time when going through break up

[@alainpatry]

Does this apply to the FA initiating the breakup? (one-way abrupt decision, no conversation)

[@cappygurl]

If the FA does the breaking up they will feel relief initially because they feel like getting rid of the person gets rid of the negative emotions that the other person made them feel with their actions. They will tell themselves that the person wasn't good or right foe them. But that will only last 2 to 3 weeks and then they will go into feeling their feelings intermittently.

[@roberttruman8444]

Sounds familiar. The one-way deciding with no opportunity to contribute or have any control over how things pan out. More than abrupt, they love an ambush dumping because their partner is taken by surprise and will therefore put up less resistance or ask any real awkward questions. My ex took the business initiative of always sacking staff on a Friday. Afrter a long period of withdrawal delivering bad news something of a special skill to her. She would arrange to meet somewhere busy (for the distraction) and she'd ensure she had an event or place to be and people to meet immediately after she delivered her verdict, which meant I had no time to make sense of what I'd just leaned or indeed how to respond.

[@calumrobertson1684]

I was going to reach out to my fa ex girlfriend about 6 weeks into nc. She said she wanted to be alone so i granted that. Then find out she was dating someone else so decided not to. Was a complete gut punch at the time. They where exclusive after 7 weeks of date and he me her family on week 5. Looks as though shes carrying the same depth of relationship i left into this new relationship so early on. Same relationship just with a different person. 2 years down the drain within a few months.

[@dansimmons21]

What if your relationship only lasted a month? I was with an FA and we had an insanely beautiful connection - one of a kind. She left because she said she can't love me the way she wants to because she can't love herself. I'm very upset, but I understand her reasons. I also think there is self-sabotage in there, too, as she is terrified of the depth of connection that she shared. She told me she loved me first, and then disappeared when I reciprocated. She is committed to her healing. How long should I wait to send her a message? Does the 3-6 week rule still apply if the relationship was so short-lived?

[@scottstafford3074]

Hope you're doing well and things worked out for you. I had almost the same thing, couple of month relationship. She approached me and expressed her feelings and how she'd never felt so happy at meeting someone, i reciprocated. The next time I saw her 2 days later whilst having an amazing time together she started an argument out of no where and walked off. She asked to see me the next day to spend some quality time together, and we were until she started bickering and walked off again, I could see she was struggling with her feelings. The next day I got a cold text saying we had no compatibility and good luck moving forward.....we're both 50 so aren't naive, and both agreed we'd never felt so connected and at ease with anybody else, like you said, a beautiful connection. I think I understand your pain. Its been a month now for me, I reached out in the first week in a no pressure way but nothing. The irony of it all is a joke in itself...

[@dansimmons21]

@@scottstafford3074 I’m sorry to hear that man. In my case I sent her a message after a week and she waited about a week to send me a long message back. Then I found out from my best friend (who is with her sister) that she is back with her abusive, alcoholic ex. I sent her a final goodbye text and now I’m done. Hope you feel better brother. Sometimes the reason people leave our lives is cos we deserve better, even if it feels strange and new to admit that.

[@russellcameronthomas2116]

Dan - my experience was very similar to yours. Romance relationship was blossoming into love, lasting 4 weeks. It was an emotional roller coaster as she alternately moved toward me, then away (claiming that she wasn't available for a new relationship because she need to go on a solo "journey of discovery", etc. She had been severely betrayed in her marriage, and had much trauma from childhood + teen years). We had three days of "peak connection" and intimacy, and in a phone call she reassured me that she loved me and "I'm not going anywhere". But the next morning she had an "epiphany" and needed to talk on the phone. But when the time to call came, she instead sent a rather cold text message, breaking off all contact. She never responded to or acknowledged the few emails and texts I sent. Only after that did I figure out that she was F.A. (I don't think she herself is aware or has examined attachment styles and wounds.). The first email I sent was conciliatory: "Let's pause, don't decide anything now, sit in the messiness..." etc. But the second and third (last) email was about my "aha" regarding her F.A. I asserted some boundaries, wished her well, and hoped that she would go on a healing path. FYI she has relationship obsession tendencies, and she doesn't trust herself to stay out of relationship with me, which is why she bailed out of the phone conversation and also went "no contact". In essence, she threw me overboard like I was a bag of heroin and needles. I don't know if she and I have any future or not. I will continue no contact until maybe 1 or 2 months from now. There are social gatherings where I would probably see her. Even though this was a very short relationship, it affected me deeply. She was in my heart and in my bones. Her bolting like that was like she committed suicide, by surprise (like the scene in "Master and Commander"). Also, I feel like I have "phantom limb syndrome" -- where you have a limb amputated, but your brain still things it is there. I am still in the middle of my own healing and integrating process. Luckily I have other things going on in my life, including investments in my health, creative growth, and general well-being.

[@russellcameronthomas2116]

@@scottstafford3074 My experience was similar, though without the arguments. Her "cold" patterns were often triggered by fear-driven "epiphany" that she interpreted as wise intuition. I added a comment above giving more details. Like your experience, this was a really deep beautiful connection. The breakup was about a month ago, and I am still going through healing and integration. Best wishes to you.

[@xxxxxx3279]

​@@russellcameronthomas2116 what happend next?

[@florindmiftari]

She unfriended me after 1 week in no contact on snapchat , i wrote to her on her phone on new years eve but still havent replied to me and im still unfriended

[@TheLace]

Cut your losses And just let her go. She’s already gone so you don’t really need her.

[@joanne4820]

When he broke up with me, he was mad about something that happened 3 yrs and half ago, then he moved away not heard from him since it was a month ago, hurted like hell so goodbye and please never come back 😂

[@nananoura4141]

I have just had the test u provide right now, and weirdly it came out to be 31% Anxious, 31% fearful, 13% avoidant and rest is secure ..... so what am I supposed to be right now? 😅😂

[@georginahagenhnatiuk662]

I'm not a coach. However, I can help. Thais teaches that Fearful Avoidants are a mixture of anxious and dismissive avoidant, so you for sure sound like a Fearful Avoidant. Otherwise known as Disorganization Attachment because it is mix.

[@DFG1111]

Working towards 100% SA

[@borderlineenarcisisti6134]

You didn’t said what u need to do have them back

[@bruh-zl8qn]

Can I win them back if I’m in no contact and they’re in a rebound?

[@TheLace]

Why would you even want to?

[@user-zw6bc4cg8z]

I don’t know if this is intentional or even conscious but you always demonstrate complete empathy for the FA, but never for the AP…it’s honestly SO consistent.

[@cecillelopez7487]

He got into a polyamorous relationship so I think it’s over bc he could commit, just not to me.

[@GoOutside321]

I think being “poly” is just another way to avoid committing

[@snailart9214]

​@@GoOutside321 maybe for some people, but it's better for OP know this and move on

[@Kivlor]

Your Jedi mind tricks don't work on me. If I've left, I'm not coming back, because some *_MAJOR_* trust violation has happened. You're not getting my trust back. "Oh, but we broke up over such a small issue" >> Well, if it was small, and you left, that was a huge violation of my trust, because you're liable to just leave when things get difficult again. Also, never really did the rebound thing. I find it disgusting. I definitely use numbing strategies, in and out of relationships. When I'm hurting, I just find something that helps me tune it out. Exercise, video games, tv, building things in my wood shop. I'll do those for a lot more than 3 to 4 weeks on end though. I've always known I'm doing those things to dull the pain, or to outright avoid it. Is it healthy? Well, the exercise is, but the rest definitely not. But it's how I roll.

[@kingofaikido]

P.s. The advice 'just listen to your feelings more' also sounds way off. Since their emotions are repressed and they are essentially fearful of them, anybody making them feel anything is going to not only make them distract themselves in the ways you mention but also cause them to go ballistic. In short, if they feel anger, let's say, they would act on it or immediately repress it. Emotionally repressed people may be chill on the outside but are raging volcanoes inside. Given their psychology, it's common for them to blame others around them for being so presumptuous as to express their loving feelings towards them. When you think you have a cute kitten, you, in fact, have a cold and calculating tiger.

[@Mississippian]

Do we miss other avoidants? No, we just don't want to feel unlovable. Do we miss secure or anxious people? No. We are confused with ourselves since we know we generally want a relationship but not attracted to the one we had.

[@ocular4755]

🤥

[@AnimeNewsRadio101]

Your not confused, that’s your subconscious doing that. You really love that person, then commit. Can’t be acting like this, tell them what are your needs and wants okay.