Getting Back Together:The Fearful Avoidant and Anxious Preoccupied Reconciliation

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In this video, I’m going to talk about Getting Back Together:The Fearful Avoidant and Anxious Preoccupied Reconciliation
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[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Hey guys! The link to join the 7 Day Free Trial is here: university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/pages/7-day-free-trial-yt (Access to all 45+ courses, workbooks and live events for FREE!)

[@koala01111986]

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool how can I reach to Thais in the PDS website to explain a situation and ask for the best steps to do? Thanks

[@busyazn]

2:30 start 9:00 Identify triggers & patterns. Have conversations about it & work on it. 10:30 communicate your needs. Rebonding phase. Communicate fears/ vulnerabilities & strategies, what brought you together at the beginning,

[@CD-qc1ue]

My ex is an FA, every 10-14 weeks usually after a future talk I’d get dropped like a tonne of bricks. Which sadly meant I chased and done my best to “convince” her to come back. It’s been a year now, little bit of contact here and there. I felt so loved but the (what it felt to me) switch is so sudden and brutal. I’d have loved to have had this knowledge over a year ago.

[@MellowBellow1]

Seems cyclical and very problematic and turbulent. Not to say exhausting. That’s not sustainable for any relationship with anyone. ( unless you skip all mention of a future. ... )

[@CD-qc1ue]

@@MellowBellow1 occurred at the phase prior to Kids getting involved, living together discussion etc. mostly initiated by my FA ex. I just felt blind sided as when it was good I felt for me so good.

[@deputy5476]

I feel this

[@douglasnunez190]

@@CD-qc1ue damn bro me too

[@LonelyRider87]

@Billy B Female FA here. Man did you ever nail it on the head there. Right in the feels.

[@argelisluzardo1042]

I’ll love to see one of the fearful avoidant and the dismissive avoidant going back together ❤️

[@juzndn]

I'm a FA and my ex is a DA. I'm debating if it's even worth it to reconnect with them. It's like I'm more guarded because it's been so difficult.

[@argelisluzardo1042]

@@juzndn same over here I’m a fearful avoidant leaning strongly towards dismissive and he is a dismissive so this is very challenging I do know that we love each other but is awfully challenging for the both of us!

[@juzndn]

@@argelisluzardo1042 Same, I still love him and think of him always. I feel like I am doing most of the work to keep us together and it hurts when the opposite party doesn't want the same or put in the work.

[@anewchapter1336]

@@juzndn Same here

[@janeharris6734]

Me too 😊

[@csilver9625]

I really wish I would have watched this video a few weeks ago before I wrote a letter to my ex girlfriend/almost fiancé. I have watched so many of your videos trying to learn and understand. I waited three weeks of no contact and then I wrote her the letter. But I was way too aggressive in the letter and put way too much. It definitely pushed her way completely. It breaks my heart completely because I still feel that based off all the experiences she has had and I have had and we have had, we should be together and I feel like our marriage would be absolutely amazing as we both work out our old core wounds. (She actually was the one that introduced me to attachement styles because during one of her privious “pull backs” she told me she had Fearful avoidant so i could really research and understand where her responses were coming from. I know at this point, as a result of my anxious preoccupied, I probably pushed way too hard and invaded her time and space. The only thing I can do now is work on myself and take some time to become a better me so in my next relationship I will be able to better navigate some of these situations that may come up

[@TimeWaveOfficial]

Same situation 3 months since broke up with organize meetup in between... how is you doing?

[@csilver9625]

@@TimeWaveOfficial thank you so much checking on me. My heart still really hurts bad but time is helping me realize that I am good enough, but just not right for her. This year started out as the best year of my life and then turned into the hardest year of my life. As a result, I have grown more in so many ways than I thought imaginable. So I’m grateful for the experiences that I’ve had, as hard as they’ve been they were necessary for me to become who I am today and the man I will be going forward. Thank you again for checking on me. How are you doing?

[@TimeWaveOfficial]

@@csilver9625 thats the point like you said we planed also so many things marriage kids travelling..but then...after 3 months im nearly done, i dont miss her and her behavior , i miss her character but more her mother (she was for me more like my own mother) and her 4 nephews (i grow them up like their own dad, they often cpuld only sleep in my arms..so thats the hardest part because the first one of them is going to school the first time next month ) but anyway life is going on i try building up some business now that i have time 😂 and yeah either you got a great relationship or you got a great life leason! Im in no contact we will see how it goes with her rebound but i move on so, wish you best luck...if you got an update write me

[@elenan1217]

You can try to find someone not avoidant also, my psychoanalyst recommends me to choose someone who fits me better rather than someone where I should force myself to adopt on their behavior.

[@tylerknight8216]

This is just like me bro. Currently a month apart from my fearful avoidant. I wrote her letter too. I can tell that she is torn between leaving and coming back. I'm working on myself and doing my best to give her the space She needs but it is hard. She says she loves me and it's hard for me not to respond with... If you love me then just come home.

[@gabyr4641]

You are so close to 100k! I remember when I joined it was 20k. Im so glad :)

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

yes! thank you for your support since near the beginning :) -PDS team member

[@roshalllambert]

I knowwww! I joined when it was 10,000 k and I used to think she deserves way more subscribers she is way too underrated.

[@jackyv2000]

This is the most incredible channel for attachment styles and just wanted to thank you for all of the information you provide, I find myself nodding and saying "yep!" so much as it resonates so true.

[@Oceansta]

09:56 : absolutely true. It's such a simple thing that a DA can do for an AP and make the relationship so much more conflict free.

[@LonelyRider87]

My male AP partner just had enough of my mistrust (female FA.) I bought him a 200$ rose bouquet 💐. Now I wait and pray my gesture was enough to bring my angel back to me.

[@elenan1217]

Oh, yeah it is me: I want my answers immediately. I felt too bad when he started to create a distance, even thinking about rebounding on same terms makes me anxiety again

[@tinac6114]

At 1st I thought my ex was a Narcissist but I really think now he's a fearful avoidant. We've went on the merry go round 3 times now. He comes in strong lots of attention & the minute we have an intimate moment he just pulls back & upsets me & goes silent. This time around I'm trying to just stay back & give him space. I did send him a text telling him I love him & understand if he doesn't want a relationship with me. No response. I'm learning from these videos if I want a relationship with him when he goes into this I just have to back off no matter how hard.

[@Oceansta]

FAs are so hard to deal with. I wouldn't blame you completely for your reaction.

[@davidrodgers9244]

my ex is an avoident but im not sure which type. i’m definitely anxious. i lost her four weeks ago after a one and a half year relationship and i’m struggling. i wrote a letter and im not sure when to send it. she blocked me on her phone when i texted her with an apology two weeks after our breakup. this is killing me 😔

[@shabeenabeauty]

Your avoidant need time, mostly 2-3 months to get back to normal state. Give her space & dont text/msg. she will contact you once they feel free independent. and you are definately Anxious

[@davidrodgers9244]

@@shabeenabeauty i will give her space and time while working on my anxious attachment and codependency issues. i’m praying i can at least talk to her again one day. thank you 🙏

[@sadcowboycat1995]

this is EXACTLY what is going on with me and my avoidant, how are you doing now?

[@davidrodgers9244]

@@sadcowboycat1995 not good, it's been six weeks. I was going to propose to her two weeks after our breakup during the vacation we had planned. I know it was one of the reasons she left and I'm going crazy thinking I should go to her and propose.

[@MrColtonrob1]

@@davidrodgers9244 it's been a long time what has happened since way back when did she come back how you doing now?

[@MyaLevis]

I'd love to see DA and AP for this

[@davelee144]

All of this fine and all, but what if the FA just doesn’t want to talk to you at all? You’ve made it clear you want to reconcile and you haven’t tried to push them much either

[@juzndn]

I'd think I'm an FA with anxious tendencies. I think we're more guarded so I can say give it some time.

[@CD-qc1ue]

Walk away. I’ve had that “hope” for almost a year. She knows how I feel, I saw her with a new guy and it felt like day one again. A very tiring relationship, when good it was great, then it was like a switch-off see ya later

[@ohnoeswhatsthat1335]

It's a very clear boundary that (s)he put there and I advise you to respect that. (S)he will reach out if (s)he really wants to. However, as an FA myself, once it's over it's over so perhaps don't put too much hope into reconsolidation.

[@Larrus2007]

@@ohnoeswhatsthat1335 FAs are selfish

[@ohnoeswhatsthat1335]

@@Larrus2007 because? That's quite a statement.

[@natubb]

Omg im identifying a lot of things here from my last relationship and my current one and im in shock. Feeling so blessed to find your channel 🥰

[@sarahwoods1990]

Great content! Also Thais I need your skin/make up routine! 😍 You look so beautiful! Thanks for always sharing. It's always a school day with your videos really appreciate the work you do 🤗

[@walkertranger5746]

Great content for sure. I gave all and I’m now depleted .

[@unicornsnowflake954]

She is so beautiful I love her makeup 💄

[@sarahwoods1990]

@@unicornsnowflake954 right!? Such a gorgeous person..inside and out

[@brownyuio]

I’m definitely the anxious type and my most recent ex best aligns with the avoidant type. She broke up with me feeling undeserving of my love and mentioned that she currently did not have the availability or reciprocation (and she also added that she liked to be alone). We stayed in contact for a bit while I showed resistance to the break up. Eventually, all I received was radio silence - almost completely withdrawing contact from me. It’s been about a week and I’d like to write her an apology for my wrongdoing. I’m just not sure if I should wait longer to send it or try sending it to her soon.

[@josephmischel5292]

Dude I’m in literally the same situation right now. Broke up with me two weeks ago. Had 3 full days of talking the last 3 days, feel like I need to back off now before she goes back to no contact. She literally told me the same things with needing to be alone, doesn’t deserve me, she’s lacking self love and realized she never healed from her bad marriage. I also am so lost and in limbo. I really thought she was the one. Keep in touch man we will get through this. I’m sorry I also don’t have answers for you.

[@TonyStark-jx5it]

Any updates, you guys?

[@auds_e7]

@@josephmischel5292 ya my ex said he wanted to be alone but I doubt that was true he’s probably with some easy hoe rn not giving a shit about me

[@WarriorFireShorts]

Any updates?

[@jessicaibarra323]

Omg yes! I feel like me and my ex are stuck in one of those loops . We keep hanging out to see if the other has changed & I try my BEST & do everything he wants or not do things he has complained about it . We are usually good the 1st day but then 1 says a triggering thing & there goes that... the loop starts again & we end up arguing & becoming even more sad 😥 💔💔 Idk what to do

[@deuxquatresixhuit]

Aw I'm sorry, Jessica :( It's really hard to break out of the loop once it's established, I've been caught in the anxious-avoidant loop myself. But I still think it can be possible! Maybe you can try using the things that trigger you as feedback to identify your greatest needs, and then find ways to get them met? For example, if touch is very important, go get regular massages or your hair done. Finding ways to get your needs met outside of your relationship can lessen the demand on your partner, and in turn, actually make them more willing to meet you halfway. I know it's not easy though! I'm wishing you good luck and sending love :)

[@maximilianbatz2070]

Have you heard of Thais explaining her emotional processing technique? Applied consistently it's done wonders for my stability, and getting less triggered

[@rosieshades6134]

I cannot even believe how awesome you are. Such tremendous conscious information

[@linda-akaswjosdotschka8648]

Great and helpful video... Now my FA friend just needs to give me (SA leaning PA and boi does he trigger the PA in me) a chance and stop ghosting me without any real argument or conflict before. 😭😭😭😭

[@kicksalot9943]

It’s been almost a month since my FA broke up with me AP with talk or “she doesn’t feel worthy” and telling me “I deserve better” it’s been really hard for me to stay no contact and not reach out to tell her how much I’m missing her and want what we had back. She dropped some of my stuff off at my house last weekend and I told her to leave it in my porch because I’m really hurting over our break up and unless she wants to talk to me seeing her will just set me back in my healing. She agreed to drop off while I was at work. But I really want to reach out and tell her I miss her and love her. But I don’t think she will be receptive almost 4-weeks now. Should I try reaching out and tell her how I feel? Or just let go and move on?

[@shabeenabeauty]

Dont reach out, Give her more time like 3-4 months she needs space & freedom. she will eventuall come if she wants to. if not then move on

[@kicksalot9943]

@@shabeenabeauty thank you! She always said I spoiled her and was too good to her. She knows her attachment style FA is the main cause and wants to work on herself. She had childhood trauma and serious past relationship trauma. Because I’m AP when she started to pull away I reacted in unhelpful ways. I’ll stay no contact and continue to work on my anxious style and heal and start trying to let go and move on.

[@leslieliveslife]

@@kicksalot9943 any update?

[@kicksalot9943]

@@leslieliveslife she came back wanting to try again after about 3-months. I was starting to move on and date again. But she pulled me back in and foolishly I took her back things didn’t take long before she started pushing me away again and making me feel bad about myself. So we tried for about 3-months and then mutually decided to break things off for good. She still had a lot of healing to do and we were just triggering each other’s insecurities. We love each other but are toxic together it will never work. “If you don’t heal from your past, you’ll bleed on those who didn’t cut you”. Sad but true.

[@kicksalot9943]

@Billy B thanks brother! I’m doing good, dating new women living my life one day at a time. Always keep moving forward!

[@walkertranger5746]

Excellent information. It’s 100% I’m curious, how many words per minute can you speak? Lol

[@liliaaaaaaaa]

Thank you Thais for all that you do & all of your videos.

[@KristenB-dg3br]

Needed this. Thank you ❤

[@mohamedroshan3847]

Would you recommend just sharing the video to the person

[@SalvatoreGaetanoParkour]

All of this makes so much sense. I wish I knew this earlier. And now that I do know it, I wish my ex and I could try again.

[@HelfyreMedia]

Now ask yourself , if you were sick or had dementia or some disability that required them to sacrifice everything to make sure you are ok. Are you convinced they would do it?

[@bobbydigital9371]

I am a secure who got turned into anxious by my fearful avoidant ex. 1 month of no contact but she blocked me on everything so I don’t know how I am ever supposed to reach out. We are supposedly on a break and not totally broken up but who knows. I’m confused.

[@user-qx2kh7fp4p]

Thank you so much. I love you for this help. Thank you thank you thank you 🙏🏽

[@janeharris6734]

Looking forward to checking out this course. 🧡

[@georgieeve2026]

Awesome information, thank you :) Which course talks about the primary trigger patterns and looping?

[@georgieeve2026]

Oh, it's part of the relationship repair course? :)

[@katiemckenzie2425]

Does the school provide practical exercises for healing trauma?

[@critter_paws]

From the comments i feel a little backwards. I'm the FA and I've researched and made playlists, had conversations, discussed steps, etc and my AP partner seems like he's into doing the work and understanding but doesn't check out resources on his own time that he says he will and keeps repeating the same behaviors that i clearly express i am not ok with if we are gonna try this. I do think he wants it more than i do and maybe some trigger has him just not cognitively there. He does so much that lets me know he cares but I've been so very consisant trying to help us get our communication and understanding on the right track for a year now and he just doesnt make the effort or changes when it comes down to it. I wish i knew what was up. I think it's a deep maybe trauma that is affecting him. He seems to have had an incredibly traumatic childhood and entire life really.

[@TrishLee]

Very helpful!

[@gabrielawilde]

Spot on

[@nickyt6498]

What a brilliant.. brilliant video. It really is so spot on... what you said.. 👏

[@TriniAlly8301]

where's the link for the free trial? or is it now available yet?

[@jammiedodger5243]

2:30

[@vedantdas4889]

So. It was a 4 month’ish relationship. She broke up 11 days into it but came back crawling after 4 days and then she cheated and left me because she didn't “feel a thing towards me anymore” I hope she isn't coming back, but she is a fearful avoidant, thoughts,

[@jessicag23100]

When will the repairing relationships be out ?

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It will be added any day now, just putting finishing touches on the slides and workbook. -PDS team member

[@Light00121]

I was dumped by an anxiously attached and I’m trying to get him back, but he doesn’t seem interested. What can I do?

[@dannycolwell8028]

They have to want you first 😞

[@lisalee6501]

I’m seeing someone and just asked him out since he has done all the work and set up all the dates, i wanted to show i’m interested too. He said yes but i could tell he was scared off. My reaction a few hours ago was to first get anxious, now i’m thinking about avoiding him. My friends says i’m wrong to avoid him, wouldn’t everyone do that in my situation, or is it just a FA leaning anxious thing to do? How do you FA’s react when you feel you have scared someone off?

[@deuxquatresixhuit]

Tricky situation, Lisa! I find myself in kind of a similar issue, where I think I might intimidate men because of some of my accomplishments... I know relationships require compromise but ultimately I don't think it's sustainable to try to dim your light because someone else is feeling insecure. Everyone deserves to be with someone who wants them to shine, and if you being a strong, independent person is off-putting to someone, then it might hint at an unsustainable vibe in the long run. Just be you, you're wonderful :)

[@Present4]

I remind myself that despite my best efforts, sometimes the caring or connection you wish for wont happen. Ive done nothing wrong but sometimes other folks are dealing with issues too that are out of my control. What Ive learnt here is that the best thing is to talk with your partner about whats going on, by starting off with the communicated intent that the convo is to make the connection deeper and stronger. If the talk does start to edge downhill, at that time its best to show empathy and ask if they want to continue, letting them know you will be there for them when they are ready.

[@lisalee6501]

Thank you both 🌷He said that i don’t have to rush things when i asked him out, many if not most men give me this reply when we are dating and i start to open up, so i feel like everyone only wants me when i’m more hard to get. Dating is painful. But ill remind myself your kind replies

[@juzndn]

I'm starting to feel like I'm a FA with anxious habits. I'm in the same pickle with my ex. I feel like he is more of a DA and I dont know when or how to start to talk to him again or if we're actually done. He doesnt do well with emotions or being vulnerable. I guess I need to self regulate more so my emotions dont cause him to shut down. I'm anxious about reaching out to him. My heart wants to reach out and my brain talks me out of it. So I keep pushing it away. I hope this answers your question a bit.

[@lisalee6501]

Thank you! I know how you feel, this reminds me of how i often feel with exes and dates too. My heart wants me to say what i feel, but then i think about how that’s going to push them away even further, then i feel slightly resentful and hurt, then i start to avoid instead and give short answers. Regulate your feelings is a good thing to do for yourself, but i do hope you find someone who can be consistant and make you feel secure enough to not have to regulate them too much to begin with ❤️

[@creoagency1882]

Why are we expected to provide card details if its free? Just tried the ALL ACCESS :(

[@gracechan3039]

does it auto subscribe on day 8? thats how most free trials work. just cancel before then.

[@jaxsty4165]

Can anyone please tell me what an FA might be feeling when single and seeing sunshine else get married? We broke up a few months ago and I didn't know much about being AP and her FA side

[@ohnoeswhatsthat1335]

Without context I'd say you're reading too far into something. However, to answer your question, I was just happy for my friend. Because I was the only single person there and everyone continuously pointed it out, I did feel a bit left out at the end.

[@jaxsty4165]

@@ohnoeswhatsthat1335 thank you.

[@ohnoeswhatsthat1335]

@@jaxsty4165 you're welcome!

[@Jamy528]

💕🙏

[@createone100]

Definitely can’t handle the fake eyelashes. There goes credibility. Just sayin’. Out.

[@user-qx2kh7fp4p]

Shut up. She’s awesome and extremely informative… and looks good. Close your eyes and listen if you don’t like it.

[@thegoonist]

u ramble too much. get to the point.

[@saschafarnell7717]

Gosh you’re rude. She literally posts thousands of hours of free content for our benefit. Take what you need. Leave the rest. I’m almost certain you would have learnt something from her videos, so a ‘thanks’ wouldn’t hurt 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@3LGRI3GO]

Bro, don’t be a POS. She’s not obligated to do anything for you.