How Borderline’s Inner Children See YOU

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How Borderline’s Inner Children See YOU

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Prof. Sam Vaknin

Күн бұрын

Пікірлер: 64

@SlapAlice Ай бұрын

In my 22 years of deep exploration into all things narcissism and borderline personality (I am borderline with narcissistic mother), you are the only person I have EVER heard talk about BPD, that gets it right, and in such depth. Literally, the only time I’ve ever felt truly understood and correctly explained. It’s incredibly gratifying. Thank you.

@r.thomas9478 Ай бұрын

Thanks for the borderline videos, they always help me understand myself alot better. No in-person therapy has helped with that even an ounce as much and that's 11+ years of therapy.

@charliewaters8531 Ай бұрын

Same!!!

@KyriosHeptagrammaton Ай бұрын

"Borderline is just another word for constant fear" I like that.

@14jemima Ай бұрын

Separation insecurity. I used to be in love with a woman in the 90's. When I couldn't be with her, I would speak to other people the way she did, almost impersonating her. I suppose it was a desperate attempt to make her present.

@user-hz3kd6gl1q Ай бұрын

This is exactly why im hardly looking forward to moving back in with my mother. If only my friends understood the emotionally draining and personal attacks and unecessary precautions and irrational fear and worry about every mundane thing etc. I will be enduring.

@Daniel-nh3qr Ай бұрын

I don't know your situation, but can you not move in? I'm asking from a place of compassion as someone who went back far too many times. Is there an alternative for you?

@Langolin1998 Ай бұрын

I 1000% understand completely what you just said! I had to move back in with my elderly, disabled mother for a while and it was hell. Trying to explain her dysfunctional, toxic personality disorder and what she does behind closed doors, is impossible. Until you’ve lived it, you can’t explain it adequately enough for people to get it. They think you’re exaggerating and the drama queen. I had to leave to save myself. My sister is borderline and narcissistic. My mother is definitely a malignant narcissist and histrionic. The two gang up on me all the time and it about put me in an early grave. I hope you can find peace somewhere outside of that situation. 😢

@jillwaite7484 Ай бұрын

Gosh. I cried all the way through your video.Thank you. Could this begin to explain my lifelong issues. I am 64 years old but often feel 12-14, or even 6. The yearning for connection, coupled with the approach avoidance repetition compulsion is unbearable sometimes. I am undiagnosed, but finding self acceptance in your work.

@mariebrown5681 Ай бұрын

Same here.

@livingoutsidethebubble Ай бұрын

I truly wish I had had access to information and therapy, and knew what I was working with. Self diagnosis can be so overwhelming.

@JASONBOURNE-vb4su Ай бұрын

Rooting for you keep learning

@MariaMaria-fv3dr Ай бұрын

Incredibly accurate!!! Thank you!

@K.abby691 Ай бұрын

High thoughts: When borderlines are out of toxic mommy’s control (could be their partner), they are able to bring their inner child out and continue to develop it and eventually integrate (at least partially). Which is why time seems to heal BPD especially if they have the right partner (new mommy). Narcissists on the other hand burned that bridge completely so they are never able to reconnect with it in order to nurture it to maturity. If it (inner child) was completely cut off, did it even develop in the brain? There’s nothing to reconnect with We are under our parent’s control for about 20 years. Borderlines can’t even begin to grow up until they separate from mother. And if it takes 20 years for us to mature, that would put maturation at 40 years old. Unless the borderline didn’t separate from mother when she was given the freedom to do so by moving out (ex. Entering a long term relationship with a narcissist). Then she still wouldn’t be able to coax out her inner child for nurturing. Which is why some borderlines don’t seem to get better around 45. Does a narcissist take over one of the borderlines inner children cause he doesn’t have one of his own lol and she hands one over willingly cause she doesn’t know how to care for it herself (rhetorical) How many Sam Vaknin videos to become a self styled expert? (Not rhetorical)

@orealeo6652 Ай бұрын

Is this true Prof. Vaknin ? Because I understood your video completely different . I thought that it is a narcissist who wants to separate from "mummy". Borderline on the other hand is completely opposite in that sense and have massive anxiety regarding "separation" from mummy.. That she is terrified of the thought of abandonment. It is a critical issue for me to understand.. After months and months of no-contact from my borderline daughter , wrecking ball appears.. It leaves me emotionally and financially broken ( and I am not well off by any meaning) . Because I don't have any knowledge of her life during months of no-contact , I was giving her ( unintentionally ofc) very bad advices. . I also beg her to keep even online contact with me , but to no avail. And then cycle repeats itself again and again. It got so bad that recently I had to result into paying people who trace missing people online as I had serious concerns about her safeguarding issues . My main struggle is that I try to beg, coerce her to keep even online touch with me so I know at least where she is. Yet reading above comment it seems that what I am doing is wrong and I should let her disappear into "wilderness" until she appears like a wrecking ball again ? That if I won't let her "separate" from me , I am causing her harm ? That if I continue, she will never "grow up " and gets better ? Is this true Prof. Vaknin?

@K.abby691 Ай бұрын

@@orealeo6652speaking from personal, uneducated experience as a cluster B kaleidoscope (borderline). I only ever saw the world through my mother’s eyes. Her view of my own self. Her view of herself. Her view of the world. Like a toddler. At some point, kids are supposed to break that gaze in order to truly look at and experience the world for themselves. At 17 (now 27), I entered a long term relationship with a narcissist. I willingly gave up all control to him, mimicking my relationship with my mother. Our friend died 2 years ago, so a major trauma. In order to reorient myself, I tried to take some of that control back from my ex but he tightened the leash. The roles reversed in a sense. He was afraid I was going to leave, I was afraid he was going to engulf me (put me into his reality, taking away any hope of my own view). Both of our defense mechanisms (…like alllllll of them) went haywire and we spiraled. Viciously. Life-threateningly so. Then we turned on each other like the hurt, scared animals we were. It tore us apart to the very core of our beings. Nothing but shreds of what used to be one single merged and fused identity (like the early relationship between mother and child). Once the dust settled, for the first time in my life, I was left face to face with reality. Not just the facts of the situation, but a strange, terrifying, new reality I’d never experienced before. For the first time in my life, I had separated from toxic biological mommy and toxic surrogate mommy. I am left with my own locus of control. I am now fully responsible for my own mood lability. I am responsible for my own, singular, unintegrated self. For the first time in my entire life, I am left with my own view of reality. And it’s terrifying. The same way a child does, I want to run back to mommy so “she” can view the scary world FOR me. My real mother had nothing to do with this process. It happened only once I truly hit rock bottom and completely shattered. And I will say that I’m still surprised I made it out alive. I, personally, am not sure how to get someone else to truly see reality. I don’t believe you can without utterly destroying them. My one and only suggestion to you would be to stop looking for and offering any and all solutions but instead look her in the eye and feel those feelings WITH her. Validate her scary feelings. Continue to provide your unconditional, all-connecting, all-powerful, comforting gaze and hopefully one day she will feel comfortable enough with the sheer terror of the world to break your gaze and see herself, you, and the world through her own eyes. I wish you all the best with your daughter!! P.S. I do love my mother dearly but she doesn’t have the whole “validation” thing down, to put it lightly. I also was never able to validate myself until I no longer saw myself through her invalidating gaze.

@K.abby691 Ай бұрын

@@orealeo6652 Speaking from personal, uneducated experience as a cluster B kaleidoscope (borderline). I only ever saw the world through my mother's eyes. HER view of my own self. Her view of herself. Her view of the world. Like a toddler. At some point, kids are supposed to break that gaze in order to truly look at and experience the world for themselves. At 17 (now 27), I entered a long term relationship with a narcissist. I willingly gave up all control to him, mimicking my relationship with my mother. We were content…until we weren’t. Our friend died 2 years ago, so a major life trauma happened to both of us. We both tried to cling to the other but we were both drowning. In a desperate attempt to reorient myself, I tried to take some of that control back from my ex and he in turn, tightened the leash. The roles reversed in a sense. He was afraid I was going to leave (remove myself from the cage of the shared fantasy) I was afraid he was going to engulf me (put me into his reality, taking away any hope of my own view). Both of our defense mechanisms (...like ALL of them) went haywire and we spiraled. Viciously. Life-threateningly so. Then we turned on each other like the hurt, scared animals we were. It tore us apart to the very core of our beings. Desperately clinging to any and everything we could…..Nothing but shreds of what used to be one single merged and fused identity (like the early relationship between a mother and her child) Once the dust settled, for the first time in my life, I was left face to face with reality. Not just the facts of the situation, but a strange, terrifying, new reality l'd never experienced before. For the first time in my life, I had separated from toxic biological mommy and toxic surrogate mommy. I am left with my own locus of control. I am now fully responsible for my own mood lability. I am responsible for my own, singular, unintegrated self. For the first time in my entire life, I am left with my own view of reality. And it's terrifying. The same way a child does, I want to run back to mommy so "she" can view the scary world FOR me. My real mother had nothing to do with this process. It happened only once I truly hit rock bottom and completely shattered. And I will say that l'm still surprised I made it out alive. I, personally, am not sure how to get someone else to truly see reality. I don't believe you can without utterly destroying them. My one and only suggestion to you would be to stop looking for and offering any and all solutions but instead look her in the eye and feel those feelings WITH her. Validate her scary feelings. Continue to provide your unconditional, all-connecting, all-powerful, comforting gaze and hopefully one day she will feel confident in her own security and comfortable enough with the sheer terror of the world to break your gaze and see herself, you, and the rest of the world through her own eyes. But it’s not for the faint of heart. I wish you all the best with your daughter!! P.S. I do love my mother dearly but she doesn't have the whole "validation" thing down, to put it lightly. I, also, was never able to validate myself until I no longer saw myself through her invalidating gaze.

@OriginalStepherd Ай бұрын

Thanks Prof. Vaknin for your wisdom. I love your videos, the precise in-your-face explanations and of course the 10 dollar words! I recently discussed manipulative relationship patterns with my coworker and all of a sudden she told me that her 13 years old daughter is suffering from an abusive female friend who she had known since they were both 2 years old. While the abusive friend seems to have no other friends besides her, she is being invited to birthday/halloween parties and so on but they never invite the abusive friend. Whenever she accepts those invitations, though, she is being punished for being unfaithful, so she withdraws more and more and sticks with the sick friend who is treating her like a puppet while at the same time the other children are withdrawing from inviting her over. Speaking of sick: whenever she is physically sick, the friend would also be sick on the next day because (what I think) her only source of supply is missing and she can't cope with her loneliness. She is even attending therapy but a biweekly session seems to be powerless against the daily exposure to abuse. I know your videos about coparenting to protect children from the other sick parent but how can you protect a child from another child who seems to be pushing the "right" buttons?

@saniyaahmad3153 Ай бұрын

Change your locality change your child school. That abuse friend has High reach on child behaviour in future. Child needs constant love , positivity , empathy ,good friends, like cousins .

@margerita404 Ай бұрын

My lover never admitted he is borderline but i'm suspecting that. However,he says rather openly that he is not emotionally balanced and that he goes to psychotheraphy. He has these phases when he is very excited about my company and reports everything he does. And then suddenly, he gets distant and cold, answering to me with one word,saying he is tired and telling me that it's me that adds the emotional turbulence in him. I feel like this happends when I have said something very intimate and good about him. And eventually... he needs space. I have tried to ask why the emotins change so fast, he just says it's difficult for him or tries to direct the problem to me. It's not a full descrption, but sounds like borderline?

@MerakiTheTribe Ай бұрын

We are fearful of happiness

@izabelacyrwus7534 5 күн бұрын

Thank you for your videos, they help me to understand myself better 🖤

@lizbethclay1177 Ай бұрын

as I search 'developing stable identity' on your channel, I see many wonderful videos come up...thank you.

@miguelangeldominguez3207 Ай бұрын

The borderline Hoovers? My gf has BPD she said "you hurt me" usually she acts in a different way every day but this time when she is pushing me away is stable why? I can re gain her trust again? The shared fantasy can start again?

@samvaknin Ай бұрын

Yes.

@zpspiegel Ай бұрын

You're amazing, dr. Vaknin.

@forestyouteacher Ай бұрын

Is it possible to manage switching? Is it just a matter of managing stress/learning DBT skills or can this symptom be worked on specifically?

@samvaknin Ай бұрын

Can be ameliorated or prevented altogether with appropriate techniques.

@user-hs7zg1ho1p Ай бұрын

Some people might be blown away by my situation. I have one of each in my family. My daughter has borderline personality disorder and my to be ex-husband is a grand covert narcissist. It’s quite interesting. The differences of these two and similarities as well. What is even more interesting is that I was able to experiences these difference with them on my own over the last year. What is good however after I found out my daughter had BPD , I’m now able to finally have a relationship with her. Because now I’ve learned how to maneuver carefully through her outbursts and understand her frame of mind whereas before I just couldn’t. It was impossible. As for my Ex with NPD, a possible relationship is another story. He’s just not capable.

@L.Fontein7 Ай бұрын

So as her mother are you wondering if any of the responsibility for your daughter being a borderline rests on you and your husband? Or are you the innocent victim in all of this?

@r.thomas9478 Ай бұрын

@@L.Fontein7 Thanks for pointing that out. Best answer to this comment.

@MyMagicalSpace Ай бұрын

Are all of these people actually diagnosed?

@soundbwoy1890 Ай бұрын

Hey! How dare you accurately describe my flaws? lol, amazing video!

@MrAlien911 Ай бұрын

Are malignant narcissists akin to borderlines in the sense that they enjoy obtaining both narcissistic and sadistic supply? I remember you mentioning before that narcissists prefer only the former OR the latter but never both and that borderlines can enjoy both, albeit only the latter in her secondary psychopathic self-state rather than her default state (where she prefers narcissistic supply). Is it the case that malignant narcissists can enjoy both SIMULTANEOUSLY, namely without shifting self states or social contexts dramatically?

@samvaknin Ай бұрын

Malignant narcissist=narcissist+psychopath+sadist.

@orealeo6652 Ай бұрын

Prof Vaknin. Thank you so much for this video. I've spent most of it crying as my total failure as a mother became so apparent to me. And , no , I don't need "oh, you shouldn't blame yourself " nonsense from anyone possibly reading my comment. Now , when drama happens , I will see my child as this little babe in horror movie, with carousel still going and unsettling music playing. Because this babe needs mummy to pick up the pieces , not mummy who tries to give "hard" life lessons. Until now I've done just about everything wrong and I cannot stop crying even writing this. What is the punishment for being a really shitty parent and sending ones child to lifetime of horror movie ? For abandoning them forever in the dark woods.? There is no punishment big enough . Is there a therapy or medicine that can help in any way ? Because parents won't be here forever to pick up the pieces.

@user-yi8cs5sb7f Ай бұрын

Thank you, Sam❤

@lisaeustace1181 Ай бұрын

Is it possible the behavior of a narcissist paired with the engulfment anxiety cause a BPD to runaway ? I wondered at times if my ex NPD would almost try to trigger me so I would runaway. Or is all the borderline ?

@samvaknin Ай бұрын

Search the BPD playlist.

@user-ju8fn8fu9s Ай бұрын

Thank you so much Dear Sam Vaknin❤

@vanessadeleon5386 Ай бұрын

For 37 years I've had this overwhelming fear, to the point I'd have nightmares every night. I could never understand why or what triggered it but, with your videos I have come to understand that I am looking for safety. Do you think someone with BPD can eventually feel safe if they have financial stability and surround themselves with only a few trust worthy people? I feel I'd have to create a business that would allow me the privilege of self isolating. What do you think would make someone with BPD feel safe so that all those fears would vanish?

@samvaknin Ай бұрын

Search the BPD playlist.

@concernedcitizen2076 Ай бұрын

Thank you professor, but bitter medicine.

@sproudesc Ай бұрын

Always amazing content

@narsisghe3958 Ай бұрын

Amazing video

@mariebrown5681 Ай бұрын

I'm borderline, so this video speajs to me. Thank you.

@dianebeatty1323 25 күн бұрын

Wow 😳 spot on

@TowgPowerPlay Ай бұрын

Now, what about the psychopath's inner child? 🤔

@Ajaysinh Ай бұрын

When a pwbpd attempts suicide, who’s the one incharge, inner child or secondary paychopath?

@samvaknin Ай бұрын

The empty schizoid core. The emptiness, void.

@orealeo6652 Ай бұрын

@@samvakninOmg.!!!! That was my daughter saying "I just want to feel something ", " I just don't feel anything". And than I though to myself "how can she "feel nothing", when drama and self-sabotage is her bread and butter ".I honestly thought that it's only people with depression "didn't feel anything " . But it's starting to make sense . My daughter goes from one crash to another , because she wants to "feel something", not because she "feels too much". Like a moth who goes close to light as if to check if its still alive . But Prof. Vaknin said that borderline people are overwhelmed with emotions , so is my daughter still borderline if she "feels nothing" inside ? Or is is something completely different ?

@Dani_13th Ай бұрын

Perfectly said. Thank you

@anikibrother7691 Ай бұрын

Dr. Valkin. I am still not shure if my ex girlfriend is borderline or narc. She definitelly has all the traits of bpd but also a lot of the narc. Can she be both ? Bpd:Fear of abandonment, external savior regulator, reckless psyco behavior. narc: the was she discards and devalues...

@samvaknin Ай бұрын

Vaknin. Search the comorbidities playlist.

@anikibrother7691 Ай бұрын

@@samvaknin Thanks a lot.

@dianebeatty1323 25 күн бұрын

Do you have a video on what this does to the victim

@mallekchouaib6916 Ай бұрын

I always ask myself, will the bordeline hoover me again after i rejected her abnormal and sudden commitment demands, her unhealthy insistance on moving the relationship forward? Will she realise that her unhealthy way of communication is wrong and therefore apologize for her actions such as (triangulation, blaming, reckless behaviors..etc) to lock me down into a commitment. My case is : i was very patient and loving in healthy ways. I'm extremely sure that she loves me to death (crying too much, constant fear of abandoning her, describing how special i'm, wanting to have kids with me and wake up every morning besides me)