Why the Emptiness in Borderlines, Narcissists? (Introjection Failure and Compulsive Introjection)

Presentation in International Congress on Mental Health and Psychiatry, Paris, December 2024
WATCH Haunted Minds of Narcissist, Borderline: Schizoid Empty Core • Haunted Minds of Narci...
We are all born with empty schizoid core, compensate by introjecting Mommy (symbiosis and primary narcissism).
Borderline's introjection failure and consequent introject inconstancy is what gives rise to his/her sense of emptiness (described by Kernberg). She compensates by over-reliance on external objects (anaclitic personality).
Narcissism is compensatory and infantile: object inconstancy, ceaseless introjection and incorporation of internal object MASK the emptiness, compensate for it (introjective personality).
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[@robertjames7859]

I never thought id watch lectures everyday on KZbin

[@timothyhoffmann7005]

It’s sad but here we are… our daily dose of narc education

[@Ljubica-de3bz]

Me toooo

[@lindarose8299]

I’ve adapted to seeing this daily viewing of Prof. Vaknin as my systems (body-mind-soul) ‘daily vitamin’. Super nutritious!

[@bintjesvideokanaal]

@@timothyhoffmann7005 ☺️ I enjoy the learning. Stepping in a new fase. New views. New possibilities. 👍

[@bintjesvideokanaal]

@@lindarose8299 Don’t get/stay obsessed 😇

[@maryvera123]

Your explanation about how the narcissist is stuck emotionally at a very early age explains a lot and makes sense now. The forty year old I was dealing with was really a toddler.

[@probrickieexclusive]

To many KZbin presenters are describing Narcissist's based on any and every sin. It's is very shallow. Thank you for your work.

[@nateo200]

It can be tempting to use the term narcissist and gaslighting especially given how demonized narcissists are. I have fallen into this habit having been raised by a cluster B mother and gone through an insane situation with a psychiatrist who was NPD. It’s incredibly difficult to have empathy for someone who abuses you no matter how hard you love them…however I do find them interesting from an intellectual level.

[@michele4040]

I wish i could just start over.

[@osage2139]

You can, any of us can in many different ways. Hope things get better for you.

[@BL-sd2qw]

Me too 😭🫂 I wish I could get back all they took from me

[@barry_g8443]

Last night a professor saved my life...he has already saved me a fortune in shrink fees. Thank you, Professor Sam.

[@LilHaven33]

Hi Sam, I discovered your written material online over 10 years ago and the realisations it gifted me saved my life. I read your essays again and again, until my understanding of NPD behaviour became instinctive and I found the strength to escape. How wonderful to see the name Prof. Sam Vaknin on Talk TV today, all these years later, shedding much-needed light on the unfathomable psychology of the warmonger. I’m just here to say, thank you for the life-saving information you share and congratulations on your inspiring and hugely impactful career.

[@user-fs3it1tm8u]

My mother told me many times while growing up that she would kill me. I had to shut down, i had to repress myself and i think i began to be borderline. I began to self hurt as a response to her mistreatment. I felt empty and had extreme anxiety. Being me, having an ego meant betrayal to my mother and the death of myself😢. I am 25 and i dont know how to break this fear.

[@user-o6ue45hz8nr2ap]

Oh my dear, this is horrible 😢 My "mother" is a narcissist too. What I'm doing? I write diary. I am drawing pictures. I asked me: what I need? I need calm, freedom, inner peace. How looks my inner peace? I was often crying in last months. But I feel better and better. Look what is inside of you. Longing, desire...I like the beautiful things in my life. I find myself, when I'm drawing pictures. Now I'm an artist. It's a long way...how many years she did abuse you? (My "mother" more than 60 yeras)

[@user-o6ue45hz8nr2ap]

I said to myself: I don't want this mother. It's a boundary

[@l.c838]

Please go and seek some help, if you haven’t already, with a good therapist. You deserve to be happy. Narcissists are monsters!

[@neurodeviant]

I mentally buried her because it was her or me. I mourned the good enough mother I did not have, and now every time I look at my mother, I am reminded of the person she failed to be and the disappointment she is. I see her for the farce she is, but it took me a long time to get here, a lot of boundary setting, and a commitment to honor myself.

[@whygohome172]

You are trauma bonded and need a therapist who is familiar with narcissistic abuse. You CAN break the trauma bond but it takes work. You can do it!

[@joelklein3720]

What happens during the first 1-2 years of the baby's life when the mother goes back to work after the first few weeks of their life and the mother is replaced by a caregiver, a paid worker; someone whose paid job it is to be a surrogate mother? How does that affect the baby's ability to successfully replace the mother (the paid surrogate) with real people? Have we created an entire generation of people who are not separating in a healthy and meaningful way, and becoming narcissistic, because of the trauma of having no real loving mother for the first few years of their lives? I know this video is not meant to address this relatively new cultural phenomenon, but I would like to see it addressed in a future video especially because of its potential impact on our society.

[@Arronrod]

From what I understand “mother” in this context is a role not the literal mother. As long as the primary caregiver (grandmother, nanny, father, aunt, daycare worker) is stable and consistent, then that becomes the “mother” figure in this context. (AKA the “good enough” mother) He’s covered it in other videos. Also not everyone raised without a stable infant caregiver will inevitably end up in cluster B, it’s believed to be a genetic or neurological predisposition plus environment. This is why even if the biological mother is the primary caregiver but is mentally or physically checked out (disabled, depressed, mean, etc) these maladaptive compensations can still present.

[@HeyBloss]

I believe this. I thought my baby sister was my actual mom for the first few years of my life

[@bintjesvideokanaal]

Although I don’t know the answer (nor the possible necessary solution) but I wondered that myself also many times. Well put 👍

[@fixitright9709]

You can't help but think it would create a bonding Issue, no matter how good the circumstances are...

[@lunastargoddess1632]

Well men are dictating how the world is run, women grossly underpaid and bad healthcare for the Mother as well, imagine growing a human in your body for almost a year and then the horrific delivery where she could die, then healing, the massive amount of hormones to grow the baby all haywire, up all night caring for it then pressured to perform for baby, husband, work, society, its no wonder women are now no longer so keen to have a family. In 30 years world population will have decreased dramatically as AI will be teaching children and mass unemployment, there will be on point in having children when there's absolutely no future.

[@finalthoughts2762]

"We Are emptiness when we are born. We fullfill it with Self and with relationships."

[@Ottobnej]

But we are born with natural Talents, predilictions, tendencies, personality traits, more or less amounts of intelligence.... Or on the other side, brain injuries, schizophrenia, manic depressive illness, etc. Not at all empty

[@mshiker]

I have felt this odd emptiness in me my whole life. I learned now that this can be caused by my abusive childhood; I was raised by a pathological narc father and an his enabler as a mom. What is childhood without safe parenthood? I became selfsufficient. Always coping by myself from the early childhood years and codependent adult and choose wrong life partners. I felt that there was something wrong in me (as I was never loved) and was so happy if somebody flattered me and said he loved me. I would do absolutely everything for him not to be alone again. I never learned as a kid what love is. This was the emptiness in me. There was not love invested me as a child. I didn't know how to love myself and therefore let those abusive relationships to continue. Emptiness is still there but doesn't feel so crushing anymore. I understand it. It's my inner child who raises her head now and then. I have done a lot of work with myself. My parents were not perfect but then: whose are? Every generation carries some (toxic) behavioral patterns of the previous generations to their adult life. Then there are the expectations of the others..society, relatives, working life etc. You are never alone in your relationship. My life has been living according to given roles. Nobody never asked what I really wanted and I never question myself if I was living a life good for myself..my personality. The saddest thing is that I lost tens of years living with abusive persons not realizing that I have myself chosen them on the basis of my history. Looking at the mirror was too painful..so was growing as a person but it was worth it.

[@izabelacyrwus7534]

How can I live with this emptiness? Am I dead already? 😞

[@48nature]

Wow...I had to watch this in bits vs. all at once. It's a lot of incredible information to process. Makes total sense, and I appreciate the education very much. Thank you.

[@cindywall6733]

I love your work! Can you do a video about deadbeat dads? Secret “breeding” kink, walking away. It’s hard to wrap a mind around.

[@tugnormoustuglicous1303]

I'm guessing about power n control. Thats the ultimate form of control of someone else than having their baby is my guess

[@chriskahlson]

Fasten your seatbelts as Prof Dr Vaknin video takes us on a roller coaster ride of shifting personality traits, wow !

[@livelystones7773]

I promise Dr Vaknin, if you did a case study on me and my family, you might become thrilled beyond belief. This is not just theory. It’s reality.

[@metasoteria8966]

Keep up the world-class work. As you know, you are helping many people understand reality and thus "feel better." Humble thanks.

[@taniasmile8231]

Спасибо, Sam! Это большое счастье слушать вас.

[@Ravenafeedsravens]

Dear Professor Vaknin, what an informative lecture. I have been listening to you during my pregnancy and after birth, so my baby knows your voice. 😂 You are talking a lot about psychological child development, veeery useful information for me as a mother. This was another great lecture, I am very grateful. Dankeschön.

[@osage2139]

Years ago, I read a very good book called I’ll Fly Away by Wally Lamb. The liner notes said Lamb was teaching a writers workshop at a maximum security prison for women and was asked to do this because of the alarming rate of suicide in the prison. A startling fact of the 20 or so inmate writers is that they were all sexually abused. 😢

[@Daniel-nh3qr]

Your best yet, sir. Thank you.

[@bintjesvideokanaal]

Wow, what an educative lecture. Thnxs.

[@alexandria321]

So this is why I read Dostoevsky, Sartre, Camus, and Nietzsche, and listen to Stravinsky. Thank you for the insight, Professor Vaknin.

[@shahadatherin9885]

You are the best teacher. From this lecture, I understand the concept of Object Constancy very well now, something I can't even fathom before this that I could ever perceive it sensically. Merci énormément !

[@user-ju8fn8fu9s]

Thank you so much Dear Professor Sam Vaknin for interesting and useful video ❤

[@dilfuzakhaydarova2859]

Very interesting and useful knowledge ❤ Thank you so much Dear Professor Sam Vaknin ❤

[@laloussette]

I've been listening to your videos since 3 months now, a few times a week : how come do I still feel like I am just as much borderline as I am narcissist.. ? thank you

[@livelystones7773]

To me this also explains hoarding disorder and maybe even Binge eating disorder to some extent. When this is overlayed onto those disorders then they are both symptomatic of trying to fill the empty void, wit( objects or food. Interesting

[@user-fb3io7fs5i]

Great video! I would love to watch a video where you explain the psychology behind machiavellian personality since this dark personality isn't as well explained as the other dark tetrad personalities.

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel for "dark".

[@fixitright9709]

45 years ago I truly wanted to become a psychologist, I even took a year in the junior college, now I remember why.

lack of love is the cause :(

[@lyndiacurtis2065]

Professor when the mother of the narcissist, serves the baby his physical needs only without any emotions, is that the main reason for narcissism to occur? Thank you for your video!

[@samvaknin]

Search the From Child to Narcissist playlist for videos on the "dead" mother.

[@souperheromc]

Hey, Thanks for the great video.. I’d like to hear you talk about how pornography is leading us back into infancy.. causing us to interact with internal objects. I was just thinking about that when u said it

[@rajd9237]

hello Sam, Huge admirer of your videos. I have question though. How are any of these concepts validated? how can it be even done? Several things like introjects and that too at child's age, Failure of introjects and too many introjects, Voice of narcissist driving the life of the abused mind and many more concepts like these. I am really curious on how are these even conceptualized and its very hard for me to imagine that anyone can measure and identify any of these practically. Thanks in advance.

[@samvaknin]

They are reported by patients or emerge in testing.

[@rajd9237]

@@samvaknin you made my day. Thanks for the quick response. Really appreciate it. Sorry if its too personal, feel free to not respond to this if it is. Do you personally feel the presence of so many introjects? Thanks again.

[@bartkula1469]

Thank you Prof Vaknin for explaining this complex mechanisms for us. While listening to you sometimes it makes me feel like physics and psychology are somehow interrelated e.g. the way in which you explain paradoxical phenomenons.

[@samvaknin]

They are.

[@WHO_CARS]

@@samvakninmaybe AI someday will show us the laws. Would be interesting to see gravity or thermodynamics,etc.. of emotional states and everything we can’t see with our eyes..

[@minnowes]

I've met many people who are like these babies that are deceiving themselves. There are people who are not well-adjusted whom I have encountered that have a relationship with me completely within their own mind. Because I know how to tell if a person is being authentic I've been able to call many people out on this during the dating process.

[@ShellieCordell]

Ha-ha… “It’s as simple as that,” he says. I seldom disagree with Dr. Vaknin, but I hardly think it simple. I listen, rewind, listen and repeat. lol Thanks for the great insight!

[@pitbullash]

2 weeks now ghosted by my BPD ex ! Im trying to forgot her ! Im battling everyday with my thoughts.....its not that easy but maybe its for the better. . .

[@Daniel-nh3qr]

It's not easy, is it? I found that working on myself helped. I still think of her and occasionally ruminate, but concentrating on myself and developing a better me has been the best thing for moving on. Hope that's useful.

[@JulieGottman-yh3of]

Does all you say about borderlines here apply to the covert borderline? I know in the past you’ve referred it it as a hybrid, sometimes a basket case. Would it be a case by case basis on if a covert borderline would be able to create introjects? Or are they just bad with both external and internal object organization?

[@samvaknin]

They are unable to create stable introjects. Watch the covert borderline playlist.

[@sclose1970]

Do you have a book or video which addresses a solution or treatment path that addresses either condition? If not, do you have any recommendations as to where and how someone would find help with such conditions?

[@samvaknin]

Watch the therapies playlist.

[@sclose1970]

@@samvaknin Ok. Thanks! And thank you for doing these videos.

[@andrewmarshall1460]

OK, I think I've got it. Don't know why but has me curious about projection and how it relates and whether narcissist and borderline differ in how and to what extent they engage in projection. Narc object inconstancy=constant projection? Borderline..? And how this all relates to Jungian idea of Anima/Animus projection. Must study more!

[@SlapAlice]

In your professional opinion, do you think it’s ever possible for borderlines to learn how to self-regulate, or at least get better at it, or are we always going to find this nigh-on impossible?

[@samvaknin]

search the BPD playlist.

[@claremurray8104]

Hi Sam, love your work and utubes, really appreciate having these lectures available. A question that arises for me is , if the Narcissist populates his/her mind with introjects how come they are not self sufficient and not in need of constant validation ?

[@samvaknin]

It is compensatory. It is not real. It is constantly challenged by reality.

[@claremurray8104]

Ah, thank you for response

[@ebony41441]

I’m the scapegoat in a large family and siblings were treated a lot better than me. How is it I became compassionate and then narcissistic? Do you have any videos on this?

[@AnimosityIncarnate]

BPD into psychopathy.... Think Anakin Skywalker too Darth Vader, and I'm not kidding 😂 men with BPD agree... Darth Vader is just an impenetrable emotional suit symbolically.

[@cindyanderson9425]

Excellence in explaining really what is going on for these different personalities from infancy development and lack thereof. It helps me to be able to have compassion for them, different than how I did before & better protect myself. It also clearly explains why they cannot change; any perceived change is just manipulation, and how life gets so far worse for them as they age. Thank you. I very much appreciate your work and willingness/ability to provide the facts.

[@cindyanderson9425]

@@karolinanie5946 I'm not versed on the research surrounding DBT. What I have become aware of is that different therapy models effectiveness varies depending on the patient. As for all of us, knowledge/awareness is one thing; implementation and lasting change is completely another.

[@missn9602]

Borderlines are mostly victims of narcissists, yet they are stigmatized and they surely are not empty shells, they have empathy and they seek help. Please stop mixing up everything and doing more damage to people struggling with BPD and PTSD, It doesn't help at all.

[@sukiyakking9138]

What is the difference between a borderline’s failure to introject and an As If’s failure to introject?

[@samvaknin]

"As if personality" is an earlier, no longer used, name for BPD and NPD.

[@allanhyberg8012]

Maybe a Borderline Personality inhibition (I think disorder is not the best word because personhood is not established) is a human as inside out, a mirror turned humanbeing !?

[@kelay626]

I understand the borderline’s failure to maintain the introject is a defense mechanism due to the lack of safety offered by her external objects (abusive caregivers). Do you think perhaps the borderline, at 24mos - 36 mos, possessed inate empathy (insight into the external objects, their spiritual separateness, perhaps, wickedness) which the narcissist lacks? To protect herSelf, she detached internally from the external objects, therefore, gaining a self in the way the narcissist failed? Perhaps, once the borderline arrives at a safe external environment, she is free to reunite with the self that she was initially protecting?

[@samvaknin]

All children start the same. There are no differences between children who become borderlines or narcissists, although in BPD, there seems to be a genetic component.

[@sofp]

So if narcissism is a coping mechanism developed by a borderline, does this mean the borderline manage to reverse their inner functioning since you describe them borderline and narcissist like the inverse of each other (yet same traits)

[@samvaknin]

Search the BPD channel.

[@sofp]

@@samvaknin Yes I listen to a lot of your video and try to make the link between one of your theories and this video. Which is the right video to study?

[@user-kv3gc9eu9p]

Do you have a video that explains how to separate autism and BPD from each other? Both can rely on external validation, and many women are diagnosed with BPD, when the real or primary issue is autism.

[@samvaknin]

Search the comorbidities playlist. People with ASD are misdiagnosed more often as having NPD or AsPD.

[@lienezake3889]

As parent who failed my child(she was exposed to childhood adverse experiences).I see a lot of signs in my 14year old for borderline personality resemblance.Is it too late to bring her to effective therapy?

[@h.neubert8770]

No. Because you can’t be sure what it is. Getting her help is important, just make sure the support she gets is a good fit. Teenagerhood is a hard time regardless, so if you are in a position to support by getting neutral and qualified outside help, it can very well be a blessing

[@audreydunphy3972]

Sam ,can you do a video of mentally ill siblings.Two out of five children, second eldest and second youngest. I am the youngest child.Eldest child was very independent as was middle child.As the youngest I became the empathy who now finds it very difficult to support as we are retired. The constant demands for attention!!!and also the loneliness I feel...after stepping back.

[@MonsterCanCollector]

What about psychopaths? Do they have a void as well? If so, is it the same, or is it different?

[@samvaknin]

No, they don't.

[@christofstops4472]

When can we expect a german translation of " Malignant Selflove Narcissism revisited"?

[@samvaknin]

When a reputable German publisher will make an offer.

[@AL-tq1or]

Ich habe mein Englisch durch Sam Vaknin Videos in 3 Jahren, durch Notizen, zu einem Grad verbessert, dass ich dieses Buch mit seiner Stimme und Rhytmus lese😅 Im Heilungsprozess nebenbei seine Fähigkeiten in Englisch zu verbessern war super profitable Ablenkung.

[@byaweenja]

Codependents too?

[@samvaknin]

No.

[@asharajbhar1176]

Are histrionics empty too?

[@samvaknin]

No.

[@kimmiller4105]

I feel confused. As I watch this video it makes me feel even more empathetic towards my narcissistic boyfriend. I know this isn't your intention but it makes me want to help him more. I admire you and appreciate your work.

[@boriskaracic9856]

If internalisation of the relationship with the father did not happen, because of absent father figure, what happens then, how is this manifested latter in life?

[@samvaknin]

Search the From Child to Narcissist playlist.

[@danmeck5978]

Do you have any videos on how a baby who is seperated at birth from its mother becomes a narcissist? My ex was never adopted and grew up in a childrens home where they describe it as Disney Land!

[@samvaknin]

Watch the From Child to Narcissist playlist.

[@alenaadamkova5322]

Human brain loves drama, or drama combined with a humor.... but its ok only in movies for entertainment or maybe creativve humor etc humor for some people isnt as creative if there are butterflies and birds and bunnies and kitties... it should be allowed only in movies...as we all think, but nobody wants it in real life. But some people forget there is a time to act appropriately with a respect.

[@newchrisusa]

How do we heal?

[@samvaknin]

Watch the therapies playlist.

[@doinitdolphinstyle]

Legal help, Please Been asking a year. *Help me save my life* Narc father, violent rage, hate Helped ruin my 23yr biz, smear campaign, manipulated police so I had ZERO protection from physical attacks & death threats. Id supported that town & was #1 tech resource... soon as I needed help cops said I should leave town & wouldn't protect me. Ive been gone a year, hiding. I have a home I cannot visit- just found out county sheriff looking for me. If I go back Ill be locked up or murdered... My father needs me gone, to not exist. His tactics have now completely isolated me, no support, no family, no money, no Justice,... I can't hold on like this forever. I am losing hope... That's what he wants. I have no voice. Nothing I say or write gets thru to anyone. Art is 1st time in life I've found a way to communicate from my soul to another's. I've started posting rewritten songs on tiktok... But been scared to say too much @trasee_say