How do our brains handle grief? | Mary-Frances O'Connor | TEDxUArizona

Mary-Frances O’Connor ponders these questions: Why does it take so long to learn our loved one is really gone and what does this mean for our own lives? Learning is hard in part because our brains can listen to two conflicting streams of information at the same time. Powerful neurochemicals, like oxytocin, opioids and dopamine, reward us for reuniting with our loved ones, and create deep, strong yearning in their absence. Thankfully, our attachment neurobiology is actually set up to learn to transform our relationship to our deceased loved one. Mary-Frances discusses how the human brain can create new pathways in order to learn what life is like after we experience a loss and become someone who carries both grief and the absence of another.
Mary-Frances O’Connor, PhD is an associate professor of psychology at the University of Arizona, and author of The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss. She directs the Grief, Loss and Social Stress (GLASS) Lab, which investigates the effects of grief on the brain and the body. O’Connor earned a doctorate from the University of Arizona in 2004 and completed a fellowship at UCLA. Following a faculty appointment at UCLA Cousins Center for Psychoneuroimmunology, she returned to the University of Arizona in 2012. Her work has been published in the American Journal of Psychiatry, Biological Psychiatry, and Psychological Science, and featured in Newsweek, the New York Times, and The Washington Post. Having grown up in Montana, she now lives in Tucson, Arizona. For more information go to www.maryfrancesoconnor.com
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@reggierico]

Grief is love with nowhere to go...

[@musiqkidchristian]

Well said!

[@reggierico]

@@musiqkidchristian Not mine to claim. Written by a poet named Anderson.

[@sinajasminhess5004]

Yep, that’s why it always sneaks Bank around

[@musiqkidchristian]

@@reggierico Thank you!

[@adelinaalexandramarcu3956]

❤

[@sr2291]

Grief isnt only the physical loss of a loved one. It is loss of anything that was meaningful.

[@sweetjellyasmr1]

😔 so true

[@rowenveratome]

I love how she described the paradox of walking in both the world of expectation and the world of sensory experience at once. It makes sense to connect that to grief.

[@alinavsn]

You deserve to be with someone that would do everything it takes to keep you. Period.

[@ME-bs6qh]

Grief is hard. I lost my partner June 2. Grief is love. 😢

[@mbords01]

I tell you what, grief is like crying, sobbing 24/7 because you want to find someone and you are not able to find....

[@tammyicious]

You have helped me immensely with my grieving. I lost my husband on 9/1/23 after he had heart surgery and never recovered and he died two weeks after the surgery, still in the hospital. This video was so helpful that I will come back and refer to it often. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. 🙏

[@jflo4032]

My Dad died unexpectedly 8/31/23 im so heartbroken im so hurting and sad i feel down and depressed. Grief is awful

[@j-book3937]

Similar here. My wife of 38 years died in an accident on 8/30/2023. Totally unexpected and has upended my entire existence. It feels as half of me has been ripped away and tears the blood from the wound. Grief just sucks but the way out is clearly the way through. This talk (and book) are helpful in putting the process in perspective and trying to continue on.

[@tammyicious]

@@jflo4032 , so sorry for your loss. 🙏

[@tammyicious]

@@j-book3937 , sorry for your loss. Grief is love with no where to go. 🙏

[@cottontailexpressllc6521]

Hello, I just lost my husband after surgery as well. It’s painful.

[@RandyR]

Watched my dad die, during April 2013. A major first for me. My brother died on Sept 2 2021. Saw my mom, at hospice, the day before she died on 7/2/2022. Has given me more firsts than anytime before. Nothing can really prepare you for this. Have also lost 4 local friends. Does get a little easier over time. But the pain never totally leaves. I had wished a million times that I could wake up and all this would not be for real. It is. I picture it as an emotionally roller coaster. I have had a dream that I was calling my mom. Then I shook myself and realized i can't😣

[@MarySumm]

I'm so sorry ❤

[@RandyR]

@@MarySummThanks. Has been a huge challenge in my recovery from drugs and alcohol. No I didn't blow it. Was the seed to my starting my KZbin channel,in Jan 2015. First video was a tribute to my dad. I cared more than I thought

[@souhaylasouhayla9026]

im so sorry 😢

[@reflectionOfLyf]

All I can say is that you are not alone.

[@magnolia8046]

Mary-Frances O’Conner- your theory on grief and loss has brought me so much peace and understanding as to what I’ve been going through. Thank you so much for all your hard work and sharing this information. You are such a gift.

[@BFRIZZLE909]

I'm losing my closest friend to cancer, I'm lost I ache. It's hard yet I know I'll find peace in keeping her proud of me.

[@musiqkidchristian]

The stolen dining room table analogy is absolutely genius. The phantom pain of missing what once was.

[@LucyLane07]

Ive never understood why i have been prescribed antidepressants because i am grieving. I feel loss of loved ones deeply. Even losing my pets . To me, its a natural process and one needs to go through the stages. The latest loss is my son's fiancee. She died of covid at 27yrs old and it was senseless and shocking. My grief extends to my sons loss of the love of his life.

[@sr2291]

Doctors believe that drugs solve everything. They probably diagnosed you with depression? Sorry about your family member who died. Covid has been a nightmare for a lot of us.

[@MarySumm]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel loss deeply too. Ivferl everything deeply. It's exhausting. Sending you love ❤

[@dangnikkixxxily]

I just recently lost the love of my life after 8 years of being together. I feel your son's pain, it hurts...

[@lynbeck2359]

I’ve lost a long time partner of 20 years (2020) & my precious two Shihtzu 2020&2022 heartbreaking 💔 grief is hard particularly during COVID isolation. Good talk to help understand our brains 🧠

[@IdreesSarkani]

Theme of the conversation. Attachment is the root of all types of grief.

[@shannonsnowwhite2301]

Well said on attachment. In my process of inner growth I started to work on ‘detaching’ myself from family and friends over the years. Isolation during Covid didn’t feel so new for me as I had been practicing it for some years before. Without ‘distractions’ from those I have been able to gain a better sense of my own genuine clarity. I find that when I ‘go out into the world’ my senses are heightened and my awareness in consciousness is on a higher level. Especially when I’m interacting with people. My relationships with my family or friends is much more authentic because of my state of awareness in any environment of those I come into contact with, therefore when I start to feel the grief you mention I retreat if necessary.

[@no.1belleandsebastianfan]

I have only had a taste of grief. We rehomed the cat I grew up with. He used to comfort me when I cried, and sleep in my bed at night. I loved him. I felt the loss so deeply my Dad thought it was ridiculous. I would dream of him, see him out of the corner of my eye, and cry myself to sleep. It’s been a few years. I still love him.

[@215juliusgirl]

The whole thing of that space where someone should be, I grieve others that way, some for 25 years, but I also keep on grieving myself, who I was before chronic illness, when I had energy and was able to work and have friends, family, future, hope. Having to match my present reality with the reality I knew before, to know how old I am and that I don’t remember anything since my 20s and I’m 42. I won’t remember writing this. I miss me. Yes, I miss my fiance who had cancer, my last serious boyfriend who killed himself, so many old friends, so many family members. But every day when I wake up, I have to remember that I’m not her anymore. I’m this.

[@tinatingson8564]

I hear you, I hope things are better these days. You still have the immediate present.

[@Doggieworld3Show]

Grief is fine. Facing reality, you can remember love and use those memories, those experiences, to realize that you have a purpose to breathe

[@aliciaanderson1614]

Thank you so very much!❤

[@windygreene]

hi michelle - you are so powerful sharing these vulnerable moments in life. i hope that you and Kaeden continue to be blessed and have the right people on speed dial. i hope too that for the rest of us who stumble here, we all get the support we truly need, find the right people and give our loved ones the love that they deserve. happy easter as well❤

[@dianalynn301]

Thank you so much!!

[@kathrynmonaco-douglas9003]

I have lost my spouse and a child. I facilitate bereavement support groups for close to two decades. Widowednotalone ( no profit) I read your book and it gives much needed answers for what’s happening in the brain. Which helps us to understand why emotionally it never completely leaves us. We move forward but we always feel attached. It also is spiritually that two become one. Ty for all your studies to help try to understand.

[@wellbodisalone]

Grief is something that we all have to go through at some point in our lives. However, you must seek for help if you think it's getting out of your hands. You're not alone.

[@switchpathbyamypreston5428]

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE UNDERSTAND GRIEF IS NOT ONLY RELATED TO LOSS THROUGH DEATH!!!! I get so tired of this assumption!!!

[@doglover1918]

Her book, The Grieving Brain, is well worth reading.

[@Ashraful_RIJBI]

awesome ❤❤

[@lotemnagar6821]

So true

[@funnytv-1631]

Grief is so worrying

[@kapzvara5732]

Great talk and like the idea of talking about grief.

[@GGoAwayy]

I wonder how much the grief process factors into breaking up with someone you loved as well. A long grieving period feels like its similar in a way to a long process of getting over an ex.

[@lisa.globetrotter]

And not only are you grieving from the ending of a relationship, but also feeling the rejection and the fact that they chose to leave on top of that grief.

[@30revolacul03]

​You can also grieve hard even if you are the one who walked away.​@@lisa.globetrotter

[@lolahernandez6871]

Lets not forget grief is not just the loss of someone or a pet . It can be loss of an ideology or a dream.❤❤

[@anavigil7603]

Even a move to a different city or state can be devastating - for me it was many moves as a child in the 60s and 70s.

[@user-vn9sh6hv8r]

Yes, but until you lose someone you really love you will never know how much harder and deeper the pain of grief is than that. I would lose many dreams and ideologies if it meant having my brother back. Grief over a loved one is not something that you can imagine until it happens to you. To compare it to a losing a dream is... well, just not in the same realm.

[@lolahernandez6871]

@@user-vn9sh6hv8r I'm very aware of that, I've had many clo losses all through my life. I wasn't comparing grief, I just mentioned it can be a shattered dream or an ideology. ❤️❤️

[@lantion20]

I grieved for someone recently but not because we had some kind of close bond. We didn't personally know each other but he may or may not have known me and i know him, it was parasocial. Maybe im overthinking this but my grief over them was because of a heroism, at least in my book, that i deeply resonated with. Idk if that's been studied in neuroscience. I can't explain further on the context tho

[@advicecat8432]

i was literally doing 2:01 this afternoon, outside.r. the talk of periphal nerves corresponds to a project i have due in three days... destiny? did you send this to me?

[@TheVirgoan1]

My daughter and grandson were tbined at hwy speed. Spencer passed away 10 days later, severe brain trauma, he was 6. Never once did I not know he wasn't here. I knew from the moment he died in my arms.

[@LucyLane07]

I'm so sorry you are going through this pain.

[@dalujasnathi]

Love from india 🔰

[@newlookkuhu3097]

❤❤❤❤

[@bukurie6861]

To be strong and to challenge grief in every step to our life❤❤❤❤❤👩‍❤️‍👨😍💕💔👁🤾‍♂️🤹‍♂️🧘‍♂️🤽‍♀️⛷️🏌‍♂️🧗‍♀️💃👨‍🦯💆🥷🧑‍🔬🫶👍

[@nehalnagib3783]

After my near death ... Grief handling would never bother any more ....

[@dewanbageradorsho]

❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@armandocastillorodriguez1731]

Felicidades a todos los aficionados del equipo de tigres por haber ganado la liga MX clausura 2023

[@spookyspooky2159]

i inhale my breath without inhaling it and that to, deliberately which causes pain to my lower lungs and I do it more often and I'm afraid that If i do it continuously then I'll die... what should i do?

[@darlenesmith6693]

I'm having panic attacks because of losing my Precious Mom on August 5th 2022 17 days shy of her 94th birthday with dementia and conjestive heart failure what a terrible life .... and if that isn't enough our precious Dad passed away on January 14th from covid from the stinking hospital and we tried to protect him nobody could go visit Dad unless you were a care giver it opened up all channels and he passed away with stage four cancer and we didn't no about it . What a way to die so I suffer panic attacks more now than ever and it feels like I'm getting knives in my back very painfull and I almost jump out of my lift chair . I tried to hold my breath like you did and that is very hard on the lungs so don't do that . What I do is I take a deep breath in count to ten and let it out and keep doing it until you feel better. Hopefully I've helped you out . I'm going to ask you have you had a traumatic experience in your life if you have it could be panic attacks or anxiety attacks sometimes things get very stressful and I told my husband I was a very happy girl until I got married and I'm 75yrs old and I have a wonderful son who takes care of me because I'm loaded with three kinds of arthritis and i spent 17yrs in bed and I'm not going anywhere.... and I also have acid reflux .

[@neerjabhasindev8740]

The talk was informative from a biological perspective and how one can build new meaningful bonds. However Mary, you have overlooked one overwhelming un natural loss...that of a child and how a new bond can never be built in lieu of that. I am a grieving mother and i can assure you that , " it felt good then" and " if feels good now " can NEVER happen

[@MarySumm]

I pray for peace for you . I'm so sorry ❤

[@neerjabhasindev8740]

@@MarySumm 🙏

[@kensurridge9631]

Absolutely. Losing a child never heals. You can only learn to survive.

[@neerjabhasindev8740]

🙏

[@30revolacul03]

Unnatural? Unfortunately, it was very natural to lose a child (or children) before modern era.

[@debbie-eg9ht]

I found my 36 yr old dead! Didn’t wake up!!!’ So time for me is still….

[@sr2291]

I have no words except don't let anyone else tell you not to feel what you are feeling and take as much time as you need.

[@debbie-eg9ht]

@@sr2291 it has really effected me! I have to take as long as I need. It has only been since March! I hope I can get thru the grief quickly! So far no luck.

[@sr2291]

@Debbie It was a total shock to your system. I hope you have people to talk to and who are willing to listen. I think there are support groups out there like meet-up groups if that helps. I know they are not for everyone. Years ago, my dad died suddenly. I was in another state, but out of the blue, I received a letter from my stepmother who said. Dear ______. Your father passed away Friday night. Don't bother coming here. We buried him on Saturday. Signed stepmother. My mind and body went into total shock.

[@LucyLane07]

I'm so sorry for your painful loss. The words are nothing compared to how one feels.

[@MarySumm]

​@S R what!!! I'm so sorry how devastating ❤

[@alanmott-smith9358]

I miss my Lori Ann.

[@wingedinfinity6715]

With all that "knowledge" (worldly), but no real answers, .... because everything is Spiritual, and one will only be able to truly KNOW the answers through connection with Spirit, The Spirit of God. May she learn this sooner rather than later. 💞🙏💞

[@Lindawhitelaw-rm5bq]

We all have our own journey.

[@banhgau9765]

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@drkarenbukharibukhari9931]

I still face the grief of my abortion and losing my belated father Syed fayyaz

[@TaTa-oj5mm]

Instead of spending quite sometime studying grief, it would have been much helpful bringing some clarity into death. Death is part of us and as we live we are dying.

[@dallascumming8750]

Person? This is very very narrow. Having said this I hope this field of study gets better than this.

[@wisdomseeker3362]

Strangely enough, she sounds just like 'The Mortician'.

[@metinoktay3456]

Kılıçdaroğlu sandım, Türkiye siyaseti bitirdin beni bitirdin...

[@louern123]

i stopped listening when she said google maps tells you to turn right on a bike path. that’s pretty 2012.

[@roger3858]

More like Francis marry…. Chix with stix

[@ginabee848]

I didn't relate to her. Just a bunch of nonsense words

[@alwaysbossy2533]

Truth

[@vasilelungu427]

Interesting story, “she lives another 13 years and when she died I had 26”.. sorry, it’s a true story or only for public?

[@marvingayle9427]

Good topic but her illustration of walking in the dark bumping into dinning room table lost me. Dinning tables are a luxury for some house fold😂 so many people don't own or can afford one or space to accommodate such furniture 😂😢. Make me wonder who is she trying to relate to. 🤔

[@aissabriand]

1ier lol

[@majidhussain412]

Nonsense explanation More of verbosity nvery less of relevant material

[@XhodanXeus]

i think its kinda pointless to grief or feel sad. i mean it happened, nothing is ganna change. all you do is loose time. once you realize that you wont have to grief.

[@freddwoord]

Yeah emotions don’t work like that. You don’t choose to grief the same way you don’t choose to love

[@user-tw3re9hg3j]

Spoken like a person who never experienced a loss. Sure you have to get on and live your life bit when someone close dies there is that disconnect with the brain that that person should be still here. Whether you like it or not everyone grieves in some form or other. The absence of the person in your life changes everything, you dont necessarily have to feel sad, grief can be confusion as the brain can't process the fact that person and that routine doesn't exist anymore. So grief multi faceted and is unavoidable

[@Thegirlwhoknowsthings]

​@@user-tw3re9hg3j or spoken by someone who has suffered great loss and closed themselves off. They grieve by being hardened. I've been on both tracks.

[@user-tw3re9hg3j]

@@Thegirlwhoknowsthings that is exactly my point everyone grieves in different ways, you can't be robotic or logical about these things

[@Irrelevant101]

Actually, that’s not how the human mind works. Read a book.

[@sparklymoona5437]

She doesn’t need to she’s already educated and went to school for this that’s why she’s on Ted talk & also why she has a phd

[@sparklymoona5437]

So you go read a book