How Family & Relatives Can Hurt Your Marriage & What To Do About It

[@donna62016]

It is soo brutally painful to marry and discover your spouse has not matured and cannot cleave to you. Brutally painful.

[@92martymar]

So true

[@Crowned921]

100% agree!

[@Mysay379]

Couldn’t have not said it any better! It’s like you never knew them! The betrayal is excruciating

[@ammo3896]

Very painful.I am living past that right now

[@jamescaffrey7869]

U TALK TOO MUCH @ DONNA

[@donna62016]

Choosing family over spouse is the quickest way to destroy your marriage.

[@agb222]

Facts!!

[@joyofsalvation100]

You don't choose consciously. But because of your codependency you can't separate yourself from them emotionally. So the automatic results is you can't connect with your spouse fully.

[@donna62016]

@@joyofsalvation100 It is a very conscious choice. We're not talking about children, we are talking about adults. They are no longer a child and codependent when they have graduated high school, gone off to college or the military, and work for an employer. At that point, they have become an independent adult and consciously make their decisions.

[@joyofsalvation100]

@@donna62016 That's where people are wrong. We think that people become adult physically so they become adult emotionally. NO. Not all. Many many marriages are broken because people haven't been able to healed from childhood traumas. That's why there are so many divorces.

[@donna62016]

@@joyofsalvation100 God is clear... there is no excuse for divorce, it is from a hard heart. A heart hardened toward Him and their spouse. The mindset that people aren't held accountable... they have childhood trauma, etc., is enabling, and it's why we have the problems in society that we do. Divorce wasn't common 100 years ago because people were God-fearing, responsible adults. People have strayed from God's design. As long as excuses are given and accepted for bad behavior and choices, the problems will only get worse. It's called enabling. We are responsible for our choices, behavior, and actions. We will be without excuse when we stand before God. We will not stand before Him and say, "I did it because I have childhood trauma." Say whatever you want, I stand by God's truth.

[@donna62016]

God's first instruction in Genesis when He created marriage was for a man to leave his family and cleave to his wife, to be One with her, and no one is to come between a husband and wife. No one should get married unless they have already become an independent adult and are mature enough to leave and cleave. It is soo unfair and brutally painful to marry and discover your spouse has not matured and cannot cleave to you. Brutally painful.

[@josesoto7214]

Great comment and so very true. My spouse is the savior of her family and they are to say quite dysfunctional. After 23 years, I am quite drained.

[@donna62016]

@@josesoto7214 I applaud you for standing... for not walking out. You admit you're drained, BUT you haven't left and that's admirable. Hopefully, you and your wife can find some ways to work through this.

[@inspired5729]

People should STOP complaining to their family about their spouse, if they don't want them to interfere with their marriage. Marriage is a two handed circle, don't allow anyone else in.

[@DoperThanSourD]

I ended up having to divorce my mothers side of the family as well as her and my sister because they hate her more than they love me and I got tired of seeing them be a family without me in my face on social media. It’s not that hard when you realize family would rather have you stay home with them and be miserable with them, than do better without them. Choose your wife bro!

[@donna62016]

I will never understand how someone can claim to be a Christian, know God's Word, and choose family over spouse... and allow their family to disrespect their spouse.

[@369.0]

yep, happened to me...but I'm ok now...

[@donna62016]

@@369.0 I'm glad you're okay. How did you do it?

[@joyofsalvation100]

It is because we all are broken in different ways. This is because that person hasn't found his/her own identity. So they can't separate themselves from their family of origin. It is because that person is codependent and that person doesn't know any better.

[@donna62016]

@@joyofsalvation100 That is true; however, when we follow God's word (leave your mother and father, cleave to your wife, and be one with her" you follow that and develop a new identity with your spouse. Cleaving to your spouse is a new allegiance. It's growing up, maturing. We are to raise and train our children to leave the nest and form their family. No one is to come between a husband a wife. Not family. Not inlaws. Not children. Not friends. A person co-dependent on their family and friends has no business getting married. They have not grown up.

[@joyofsalvation100]

@@donna62016 Why so many divorces? Why do much sin in the church? Why Christian people have addictions? Why Pastor sinned? We live in this broken world. Have you heard about childhood growing up unresolved traumas? Every single person has that. Some have severe, some had medium and some very lucky ones small. But we all have traumas. It is frustrating when your spouse don't act the way you want them to. But the truth is until they get into recovery group or therapy or both they can't be healed. Yes, God can heal someone supernaturally but most of the time people have to work on themselves. Also, you can't compare two people. One was able to work on themselves and others are still struggling. We can intercede and pray for them.

[@blitzkrieg6872]

Family is the number one wrecking ball to your marriage. When that huge metal ball comes swinging in your direction, you better duck and run for cover. Lock and load!!!!

[@nanyaonwuamaeze4862]

Step-child can affect marriage as the involved spouse (parent of the out-of-wedlock child) uses his “devotion” to that child to cause trouble in marriage.

[@mariasolomon2076]

I am currently facing an issues where he values his family and friends above me, and he is also doing it because of the fact that they have been around his life before I came into the picture. This same family and friends have crossed boundaries and distracted me on all levels, he never has my back, he sees it as it’s not his problem. This has been going on for awhile, so it’s made me numb and distant, I am going to have to forsake him temporarily to love myself more. I feel so heartbroken

[@soniacain5979]

I am in the same place. My husband is such a big part of why his kids, mother and brother disrespects me and they behave as if he had no part in this marriage that is dark and hurtful. Besides that my husband is such an angry, disrespectful and jealous person. He is physically and abusive.

[@Mrs51315]

I'm currently going through the same thing💔😭

[@fromtheashesIR1SE]

This is my situation right now. The thing is…I DO NOT CARE what my family and their church group thinks of my wife. She’s the one God sent down for me and it will always be that way. How do you go about erasing these people from your life?

[@seekeroftruth1484]

I blocked them or they blocked me after I confronted them. Life with my sweetie is more peaceful. 💞🌻

[@donna62016]

I would not necessarily "erase" them. That should be your very last resort. You need to have a conversation with them based on God's Word regarding marriage, priorities, inlaws. Be firm in your choice, that you will not compromise. Express your love for your family, and desire to have a healthy relationship with them according to God's Order of: God, Spouse, Children, Work. Set boundaries. Draw the line. Stand your ground but realize that it's probably going to have hiccups and take time to change the pattern. Just stand your gound in following God and doing it in love with grace.

[@Criveboujee]

@@seekeroftruth1484 i did the same thing about my wife’s auntie that disrespected me and said things about me. So i blocked her auntie and my wife got mad at me and her family got mad at me.

[@samwelnjuguna-gz9eb]

So many family members do jump into conclusions without listening to both parties opinions on issues about their differences.

[@chappellpuppets]

See this a lot in midlife crisis situations. The family of the person in crisis believes their lies and encourages them in their destructive behavior

[@scottymills9739]

How would one handle this?

[@nellygathoni2496]

Am a victim of this

[@Anita..]

Oppression is real lol 😂 I totally agree with you. But they could care less about the ones being responsible in their lives, they think “oh they’re good, they don’t need attention”.

[@nicole106015]

I can relate to this very much sadly.

[@MarriageHelper]

Hey Nicole Brown, so sorry to hear you are going through this. Because of the complexity of this situation, we would strongly advise you reach out to us directly! You can call us at 1 [phone] and be connected with one of our Client Representatives who will guide you to the best resources we have available for your situation. You can also schedule the call yourself for a time that works best for you by following this link: marriagehelper.com/marriage-strategy-call/ We look forward to speaking with you directly if you will allow it!

[@jasonj7904]

Could you please do a similar follow-up segment on how a spouse's enmeshed relationship with a parent or the parentification of the adult child /spouse impacts a marriage? What are some steps to correct the balance between the two types of relationships (primary marriage partnership vs. extended family) and how would you articulate those concerns and boundaries without them being perceived as an ultimatum?

[@wgtroncat]

I made the mistake of running to my family when things got tough, specifically separation. Something ive never done as long as we’ve been together. It was difficult to avoid because i had to move back in with them. But realizing the mistake ive made really put things into perspective and im working hard to get her trust back. I know itll take time and i have to respect her distance. Please you guys, if you ever have ANY problems with your marriage or relationship; avoid going into ANY detail about whats going on and seek professional help. If its too late then understand its going to take alot of trust and rebuilding to make up for it. Im lost and dont know what to do, but i know my heart is in the right place.

[@TheeLaney]

My husband’s family is like a cult. We’ve only been married three years and I realize there’s no way I can deal with this. I’ve tried everything there’s no way they come before me in every situation in every moment and we don’t even live in the same state.

[@ValentineGunhe]

@@TheeLaney I understand your situation, well in my husband's family they do not allow first marriages to stay for long. All of his brothers have second wives.

[@cydneycustalow6558]

I think my family is the cult ones. I made the mistake of confiding in them so many times. My husband and I are poor and they're very wealthy and want me to have a better life. After I asked for a divorce and hiw my family handled it, I realized that THEY are causing me to ask for this. Not me. I don't want to cut them off from my kids, but I think I will cut them off from me. I am choosing to work at my relationship and actually give it a go. Therapy and all. They think he is a narcissistic person. But my dad is too by their definition. So I am going back to him and they can deal with it. I'm not seeking their approval anymore.

[@megalitzsmith6346]

I can relate to this as the spouse that has such a hard time with my family being very unsupportive of my husband. They are very supportive of a divorce and get angry when I go back and forth, can't decide, or like now when I've sought MH and other sources supportive of marriage. I'm so glad this topic is covered.

[@ForgivenReverend]

No one should come between you and God. A true friend and someone on the True Way will help you find your way to God. Usually with their own testimony of success and failure. Parents owe this honor to their kids more than most. But I know I fail at this with my own children. Fear sometimes creeps in and supplants faith in the One True God. Thank you for your work marriage helper

[@JasminePeteetArocha-ug5bm]

Yes I need this!! Because got family mom parents and she influenced on getting divorce from my husband. Yes this happening to me right now.

[@MarkH_in_NC]

I have changed in the last year.. I know it. Ppl have told me I have. But the non-contact with her family right now is a bonus. I have ZERO interest in having any sort of renewed relationship with her family whatsoever. THEY are the toxic ones.

[@mariasolomon2076]

Am thinking to cut of his family except his mum who has been kind, but the rest am leaving them

[@thescramble4309]

Man I’m dealing with this right now. My wife’s family has been disrespectful to me for a while , passive aggressive, undertone comments and strange behaviors that ordinarily I would take on head swiftly and assertively with anyone else. Out of respect for my wife and my kids I’ve kept my calm and held these things in, not wanting to seem insecure or overtly sensitive or uncomfortable. So this passive behavior has gone to the point where it’s who they think I am , weak . Despite being an ex boxer and still train In BJJ. My kindness has gone way beyond my boundaries. I just second guessed myself. Well the past few months I’ve found out my wife was cheating on me with one of my brother in laws best friends . Chaos ensued and I had to dig deep and decide how to move forward. I wanted to leave instinctively, I hated the situation and the fact that I shouldn’t have trusted people who don’t respect me for whatever reasons . I absolutely despise my in laws now for knowing and not letting me know and made me to look like the fool. It’s a terrible situation as they attend my daughter’s games and my blood boils at the sight of them. My wife is literally choosing between me or them , she knows where I stand but she also realizes she is the problem too. The worst time Ive endured.

[@samwelnjuguna-gz9eb]

There are family members who can destroy other people's marriages not having thoughtful mindset of understanding both parties about their differences which is causing them to be in a dissagreement.

[@amybostic1439]

Woo hoo there my CR Jordan! He is the best. He always checks on me when I need it most. I appreciate you friend 💛

[@PalomaMachiavelli-nh8fm]

Now i grew up in the foster system and I had foster parents that were already grandparents and I seen what a good healthy relationship looks like. And I believe I married him to start a family of our own . He had told me his family are not supportive people and that he doesn’t trust his sister , and what I seen is that his mom would agree with him on everything and not correct him or let him know he is wrong

[@donna62016]

Dr. Joe, I will always admire and respect you and Alice for sharing your story and doing the right thing, and I am always recommending MH to people.

[@MarriageHelper]

Thank you so much Donna Smith. We truly appreciate your comment and are grateful to have you as part of our community here on KZbin. Please, don't hesitate to reach out to us if there's anything else we can do for you. We greatly appreciate you spreading the word! marriagehelper.com/marriage-strategy-call/ Blessings,

[@PalomaMachiavelli-nh8fm]

I did nothing wrong or anything at all for my mother in law to talk negatively about me or through comments towards me . I did however told his sister that if she can respect the decision I make for my kids then I won’t allow her in my kids life. Since then my mother in law has been negative towards me to the point she took out her anger at my baby son and slapped him in front of me and I wasn’t allowed to say anything because I was in her house . I told my husband he didn’t do anything and now his own sister has also hurt my son and my husband thought that I wanted to create problems because he has never seen his sister or mother hurt my kids only I have when my husband isn’t around … what can I do..

[@RoydahMumba-h2x]

This is my situation right now.

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

Our adult daughter and her husband attempted to convince my husband that I should not speak openly because I was a woman. They tried to influence him into silencing me and almost succeeded until I explained to him the Biblical view of marriage. To this day they treat my husband special and me with rudeness and contempt. I think they are jealous of our freedom within our marriage. They believe a woman should just obey her husband and never question him. This destroys all communication of the couple, they think the husband should make all the decisions without the wife's input. These children were not doing it out of love, they were doing it to control me who is confident and free from domination.

[@ccpoundher5268]

This story is very similar to mine

[@MarriageHelper]

Hey CC Poundher, so sorry to hear you are going through this. If at all interested, you can also schedule a call with us if you need help getting through this situation.. marriagehelper.com/marriage-strategy-call/ We look forward to speaking with you directly if you will allow it!

[@zone1hearing]

I can relate...

[@ericsaldana5861]

That beginning beat go hard

[@vikassrivastava7395]

So relatable

[@Anita..]

Should the person never be put to choose family or spouse? In my case what if he’s family time to time disrespect you. Totally cross a boundary. Disrespect your children. Literally physically put their hands on you, as all this happened to me.. Do I not have the right to distance myself from my husband’s family? Plus my husband doesn’t put the same effort to connect with my family as I do with his and his family is so dramatic.

[@JasminePeteetArocha-ug5bm]

My family don’t like my husband like my aunties tell me that he not good guy it happens to me right now and yes right now my mom doing this am marriage am 37 years old I should have my own decisions

[@darrickharris5534]

How do you with a family that has disrespect or been disrespectful towards your wife ( before marriage) but since marriage the family has tried to do better but your wife hasn’t forgiven you or your family for the past hurt?

[@Anita..]

Honestly your wife should forgive to give them a chance but if she doesn’t want to be close to them accept her wishes as well. I’ve forgiven his family over and over and till this day they continue to step all over me. Sometimes being too forgiving doesn’t work sadly. I still forgive them but I just don’t want to be friends with them. Long distance relationships only.

[@darrickharris5534]

@ My goal isn’t for her to give them a chance or even reconciliation. The major problem is, she continues to punish me for it. 10 years later. Every time she develops a new sense of self worth or something to that nature, she beats me up about the past. It is so bad now that she left me. Not anything recently but because she cannot forgive the past. I am sorry that you offering forgiveness and they continued to hurt you. The audacity of some people

[@viljoshapopi5198]

Iam a husband now, iam brought up by a single parent, but now since iam married does it mean i must behavior like my mother dnt exist anymore...n bc thats th picture iam getting from all this married woman.

[@ryanleon9602]

I have a question im married for a 1 year now. And my wifes nephew is a really strange boy, but cant never seem to understand him. Never seen him talk or been around a girl but strange enough always want to be around my wife but when he has to be with me gives all kind of stories. But my wife is very delusional an doesnt see nothing im seeing cause she raised him as her godchild but i know something is wrong. He even did the same major she did in school.

[@debragillen255]

That’s strange for sure .

[@eggshellskullrule7971]

My wife always chooses her father over me. In fact even her sister and her daughter take precedence over me. After 12 years, the only way out for me is a divorce coz I can’t get to be myself in this marriage.

[@tr2404]

Can I ask why my comment was deleted?

[@ykz-ty9rp]

I am facing it now

[@JosephRostkowski]

When you become more understanding of the LORD,THIS IS IRRELEVANT, because to take advise from someone that speaks the lords advice for his own is eyedollartree 😢

[@arthurbalcita4851]

What can a wife do if her husband’s parents encouraged their son to have an affair to hurt his wife and destroy the marriage l. By Amelia

[@worshiptowork2021]

pure evil

[@oogie-boogie]

and her kid that wont leave home,, ya he is turning 35 tomorrow,,

[@donna62016]

Sad

[@aminatakamara8006]

Ever since I got married to my husband I have not been happy, he always hurt me and remind me that he never loved me, and now am pregnant for him and he has not changed infact he set me up with his family to get problem with me, what can I do?