How I Felt When I First Found Out I Was Autistic

Today I wanted to share how I felt when I first found out that I was autistic. I think that this is something worth sharing because there definitely is a process that late diagnosed and late informed people go through. (Late informed being those whose parents knew about their diagnosis but kept it from them.)
Sorry that this video is late - I didn't do a great job handling scheduling like I imagined I would.
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[@thevirtualjim]

Diagnosed at 44! As a kid i was labeled 'a daydreamer', 'nerdy', 'weird', 'lazy', etc. I always thought that my issues were just that i wasn't trying hard enough, or I needed to learn more. Once I found out, it was like 'oh ok, now I know who i am' Like having tried to fly your whole life because you are a bird and all the birds expected you to fly and you feel like such a failure because you can't...then you discover you are an ostrich.

[@johnlechago8109]

I was also called a daydreamer, weird, and lazy - also 'sensitive.' I was diagnosed at 53! Now that everything in my past makes sense, I feel pretty normal! I also now love my weirdness.

[@YoSamdySam]

Damn this was an excellent video. I could have said these exact same things, same emotions, everything.

[@euanelliott3613]

For me the relief was huge. It was like finally cracking the code of my life. It wasn't my fault after all. Now I embrace it fully, and in middle age I am alone without friends or a relationship and I'm happy in my own space. Love to my fellow autistics.

[@jeff6413]

I figured out I'm on the autism spectrum when I was 32. I had an easier time coming out as gay, and that was no picnic.

[@NHPackerfan2]

Jeff Matthew A gay friend instantly recognized those similarities!

[@stvbrsn]

So interesting. When you said “mourned the loss of who I imagined I’d be” it resonated deeply despite a huge gulf between our experience. For me (51, diagnosed recently) the emotions were nearly identical. Dichotomous feelings of relief at having that crucial puzzle piece and horror at now having to readjust so drastically. Here’s the weird resonance: I mourned, but not who I thought I’d become, but for the person (chose this word very deliberately) *I thought that I was* for the last 50 years. Half a century. Damn. Anyway, now it’s sinking in, I actually don’t think the adjustment is going to be as hard as I first thought, plus I’m learning all kinds of new tools. As to the word “person” and my deliberate use of it, if you aren’t already familiar I’d suggest Alan Watts’ explanation of its etymology.

[@MrAndywills]

Similar to me. Diagnosed at 49, a couple of years ago. After an initial relief that I wasn’t just a failure,I went through a mourning process. Now coming out the other side and now getting a sense of self acceptance and inner self.

[@NHPackerfan2]

My "senior diagnosis" of ADHD rocked me like this. I had no idea. Other people w late in life diagnoses of ADHD seemed relieved, finding the answers to the life long riddles, Why do I feel so different? and Why do I screw up so much? I had that, in spades. Still, the ADHD profile didn’t fit me quite as well as it did other people. Most of them liked activity, excitement, spontaneity, mixing it up. Me? I loved structure, calm environment, being alone. People w ADHD have difficulty w social cues, but it’s mostly an attention thing. For me, however, it’s simply not there. I just cannot do groups. Shoot, I don’t even "get" family. When my therapist and I started talking about autism traits, however, that proved to be the missing pieces to the puzzle of who I am. I now understand better the social isolation of my school years. Later, I spent my life energy trying to be "normal," to be like the socially adequate NTs that surrounded me; now, I don’t have to. It has brought a great sense of freedom.

[@QlueDuPlessis]

I'm in this category now. Just turned 49 last month and only realised I was Autistic last year in December. Ironically, I figured out my brain worked differently to everyone else's forty years ago. But everytime I brought it up the notion was dismissed with, "you're just lazy. You just have to try harder!" Sadly, too many years of giving it my all means ive been burnt out since tenth grade. 😩

[@TheOnlyGamingMC]

@@NHPackerfan2 adhd isnt autism

[@annriggs4241]

I don’t think I has dichotomous feelings. It was a long time before I could appreciate how valuable having a diagnosis. The ASD diagnosis was just the opposite. It really did provide a sense of relief. It’s been only later that the grief set in. I probably should have said “the person I thought I was.” But I had been absorbed at how the undiagnosed ADHD had devastated my professional career. Between watching how colleagues w high executive functions operated, and how easily most people interacted w each other - well, the “out there” world has been a very confusing, very difficult place for me my entire life.

[@jrichard88]

There's a ton of mixed emotions that come along with a diagnosis. On one hand, you have relief. You can finally put a name to it and you have an explanation as to why you've felt different your entire life but didn't know why. Then, as you mentioned, the future you imagined for yourself doesn't exist the way you had it planned. It's kind of hard to wrap your head around. Even 2 months after my official diagnosis, I'm still trying to work through it mentally and emotionally. So I can relate.

[@NHPackerfan2]

Josh Richard Give yourself time, and recognize that this is a grief process. Something that helped me: retell the story of your life from the perspective of being undiagnosed. It can help the grief do the work it’s supposed to do, and it will help cultivate self compassion.

[@VeganOrganizer]

That's exactly how I felt when I first found out I was autistic. It was as if all of a sudden the whole world turned upside down while at the same time everything suddenly made sense. Scary but also a huge relief! I wasn't diagnosed until this year, age 42.

[@sysye]

Omg I actually cried listening to you, because I had the exacts same thoughts and feelings you had. 😊

[@sarahmi54]

This is how I'm feeling right now and I feel like we are so similar that that's almost creepy but I'm sure a lot of late diagnosed females at 28 would feel confused. That's why they probably diagnose incorrectly with borderline personality disorder and other things in women because we literally do not know who we are and when we find out we find out that we are completely awed and we knew that we were not normal that we thought we had some sort of sense knowing or being like the rest of the world. It's really nice to hear how you speak of everything because I'm feeling alone with this and also have a completely neurotypical husband. Thank you for sharing your experience and helping those like us to not feel more lost than we already were

[@gabryelladinocco9621]

Hi, I've just came across this video of Stephany Bethany and I read your comment. I'm 57 and I had to find out why I've always been different. I came across a site where they were talking about Asperger's syndrome traits and there were like over 100 traits, and I ticked every box. Now I'm feeling so overwhelmingly sad, bcos I now know why people I meet, disappeared all the time, plus everything else that's been going on with my life. I too have a husband who's neurotypical

[@ellie9295]

I was 33 when I found out. I was angry that I didn't found out earlier. It probably had helped me a lot. I always suffered from anxiety and it has greatly affected my life in a bad way. At the same time I'm grateful that I found out. Now I understand why I'm the why I'm. I also are blessed with a lot of great friends and family that loves me for how I'm. So my diagnosis don't matter at all in that case. I also are extremely open as a person so I tell people that I have autism and ADD so far I haven't meet one person that have been mean to me about it. 🙂

[@StephanieBethany]

So glad to hear how understanding and loving people around you have been!

[@lalane5023]

This is a special, rare KZbin channel. Thank you Stephanie, for creating it and so many Wonderful videos!

[@EpicKate]

I agree! She is amazing and the way that she shares from her heart while also being logical and straight forward is amazing. You know that when a video is up, there's going to be a level of quality, research and heart in it.

[@lalane5023]

Epic Kate Bjärgvide Very well put!

[@QuantumSorceress]

I'm older than you (in my 30s) and was diagnosed when I was 30. My feelings were eerily exactly like yours. But I felt like I struggled more than I should have because maybe my 20s would've gone a lot better had I known. I used to be very expressive and was kinda a go-getter. In my 30s, I kinda lost my spark and started to just hide in my home all the time because I was becoming severely depressed because it was starting to dawn on me that I was never going to get it. My 20s was a very confusing time and would've been a lot easier had I known. In my late 20s, I started to become a bit self aware and looked around and noticed that people honestly just didn't want to be around me and I couldn't figure out why. I mean, I could never figure out why, but I at least had some friends. In my late 20s I had zero and into my 30s, I'll say it's still zero even though I had a brief "good" year when I was 29-years old. Then the shit hit the fan and I was at my lowest. I was being bullied at work and was hospitalized. I think I came across autism in my early 20s when I was Googling stuff. I thought that it sounded interesting, but I then dismissed it. I honestly think that I only came across it because I got written up at my restaurant job (when I was 21) because of lack of eye contact with the customers. Now that I'm 32, I wonder just how freaking odd and strange I must've been back then. I was written up for lack of eye contact at age 21 and had no idea that what I was doing was wrong. I was actually super offended and angry because I WAS looking at people... Kinda. Not really. I then came across autism probably and saw some tips like looking at people's nose, lips, eyebrows. I considered it a little, then let it go. But I took the advice and now I'm told I have amazing eye contact (jokes on them, I'm not looking them in their eyes, HA!). My brother has been trying to get me to watch Atypical for years and I was resistant to it. I finally finished season 1 and told my brother it was funny because I did some of the things that Sam did. He told me he knew and that was why he wanted me to watch it, LOL. And this is only recent. So now, I'm sitting here--age 32 wondering if I came off as a Sam when I was in high school. My brother compared me to him! I started to realize (even after my diagnosis) that I'm not as good as passing or masking as I thought I was. 1-year after my diagnosis, I felt excited like--I finally found my people and understood why I could never fit. Then at age 31 I slowly came to the realization that I was never going to be the person that I thought I would magically transform into. I was just me and I had to come to terms with it. And still kinda am. I'm working on figuring out what I want my future to look like because it's always been an NT false type of dream. I want it to actually match who I am and to find peace with it. It's tough, but I've decided it's best to just embrace who I am to disclose to people. I don't want people to be around me because they pity me. And if my autism makes them feel ashamed, then please leave. We're not for everyone and it's hard being us sometimes, so I actually need people in my circle that will be supportive and kind. The road to a diagnosis is weird and complicated, and it's still that way afterwards.

[@MrSamuraijim]

Don't worry about the wig and beanie. You actually look adorable! Good video anyways!

[@StephanieBethany]

Thanks!

[@millie965]

I just started to suspect autism, I have done so much research and discovered things that I knew made me different were traits. I'm constantly doing "weird" things and thinking "odd" things, and whenever questioned about it I've always just said that I'm wired different. Finding out autism could be my answer has been a relief, and I feel I am quite lucky as a female to have discovered it at 14. But at the same time I'm not sure how I will explain to my parents, as I need them to get a diagnosis and I'm very good at masking. I fear they'll think I'm lying, and say that I'm not like that because if my masking.

[@jimjenandi]

Just finding out that I probably have Autism (I am 44 y/o and my Mom would have never accepted this as a diagnosis as a child...tough love). I took the AQ test and my score is 43 out of 50. So the next step is going to see my psychiatrist. I am already diagnosed w/Anxiety, panic attacks, depression, hypermobile EDS, MCAS, & multiple other conditions. Thanks for sharing your life with us!! I am becoming more educated by watching everyone's experiences!!

[@VinceRoberts1]

I'm 57 yrs old. I have 2 girls, 27 & 24. The youngest was diagnosed 4 yrs ago. On visits to her office, the psychologist would ask me several questions then ask me to go sit in the waiting room. On the day she gave my youngest daughter her diagnosis of autism, she told her, "Your dad, I'm certain, is autistic as well." My daughter told me about it on the way home. I've been living in denial until about a month ago. I've been educating myself for the past few weeks and there's no doubt now in my mind, I am autistic. My oldest was also diagnosed about the same time, but she too is in denial.

[@aubri9578]

STEPHANNIE I LOVE YOU

[@StephanieBethany]

I LOVE YOU TOO!!

[@katharinegates2917]

This is so beautifully said. The realizations on late Dx (59 for me) came one after the other. "I'm not a failed horse I'm a zebra!", "I'm not alone in this!", "I don't have to accept the idea that I'm lazy, selfish, rude, and all of those other things I've been called." Then there's the "oh shit I really am kind of awkward and weird, and not in a good way" which for me has been a slow processing of some serious ableism, internalized and otherwise. I was Dxed so late partially because I fooled _myself_ into believing I was passing as neuro-typical. Anyway, parts of your video brought me to tears, which was an unexpectedly good thing to experience. Thank you.

[@IndieAndy]

Really interesting discussion and it's something I've always wanted to discuss with someone... The whole late diagnosis story. Because I have always known about my autism & I don't feel proud to say it. Because when I mention it, I feel like I'm slapping alot of people who are not informed or undiagnosed/self-dx because I've had the support in place you know.

[@forestfairy1983]

I just stumbled upon a suggested video on autism in women and I cried how much I could relate to it and starting doing research and I found your videos. Thank you for doing this. I'm scared thar my loved ones won't believe me or doctors won't believe me. And searching about autism in my native language makes me more afraid because it only referes to severe autism

[@roadrunnercrazy]

The same thing happened to me. I watched a suggested video and spent the next half hour crying because it was describing me. In retrospect, it makes a lot of sense. My son is on the spectrum and I have always related to him better than my husband has. I'm pretty sure my Dad is on the spectrum too. But it was a shock anyway. If you are looking for info in your language, you might find more acurate information under Aspergers than Autism.

[@davo3839]

I was diagnosed at 49, a couple of years ago. I first realised I may be autistic about a decade before when I read an interview with Gary Numan where he talked about his Aspergers. I thought 'No way! He's autistic?'. I'd always related to Gary Numan since I was a kid because of his android like image. Anyhow, I read up on aspergers and the penny dropped.... Omg, that's me. Eventually I was finally diagnosed. I recognised so much of the feelings you explained in this video. Personally for me finding out has set me free to be me. I no longer feel embarrassed about my failings but celebrate my talents of which I have a few. Thank you for this video and keep them coming. You are awesome 👍

[@jg1893]

Completely understand. I was diagnosed at 50 yo. When my younger child was diagnosed at 16 and I started reading about it, it started to all make sense.

[@sharonfoster1029]

Stephanie, keep it up. I didn't find out about my diagnosis until my teenage daughter suggested it to me. I was 35 years old. Your story is shared by thousands and needs to be heard. Thank you for putting yourself out there.

[@tiffanychapman9833]

I'm 40 and just found out!!

[@missladybird1854]

My girlfriend was 37

[@reallifeanswers9764]

I know the feeling. My Mama suspected it but never got me diagnosed because she didn't want me to be labeled. Plus I was already being treated for ADD so I already had a Therapist. I got my diagnosis about a month ago. Now I'm seeing one again. Now I'm battling about whether or not to conne out because I don't want to be labeled while at the same time I want to help others.

[@NHPackerfan2]

Real Life Answers Big overlap between ASD and ADHD. I’m a dual diagnosis (so to speak).

[@N8swann]

I was just diagnosed Asperger’s last Thursday...interesting to know what’s always been “wrong” with me

[@TheOnlyGamingMC]

nothing is wrong with u its rude to say that there is, it's offensive to autistic people

[@leslovesliberty1776]

Wow Stephanie, I recently discovered your channel & have been doing a deep dive into your older videos. I just have say how proud I am of you!! Over the years you have become such a confident, powerful voice for those of us on the spectrum & I'm so very happy & thankful that the next generation of girls & young women have you to inspire & guide them. Thank you for sharing your life with us!! 🙏❤

[@alexmcglade7490]

Hay, Stephanie, if the world was full of lovely, sweet, sensitive and caring people like yourself it eould be a much better place. Always believe in yourself and never try to change who you are for others. You are a very brave and lovely person who, I'm sure has helped many people.

[@jbr84tx]

I feel the same way you describe. I haven't gotten a formal diagnosis, but all the online tests, now at least five, say I have a high probability of being autistic, like over 90%. I am angry & depressed because all hopes and dreams of ever being 'normal' are gone. I'm resisting the idea of getting clinically diagnosed - that would be the final nail as they say, that would extinguish the last flicker of hope. I see now that this is probably the reason I've struggled with employment, failed in relationships and why most social interactions are very anxiety-producing. It's nice to know the reason, but it's not very comforting. It's just too late in life now for any significant changes, and it looks like I'll die alone.

[@jbr84tx]

I'm replying to myself. I made the above comment having watched only the first half of the video. In the rest of it, you give some reasons to have hope. Thank you.

[@saul2571]

I’m sorry for your struggle in this area, but it is great to hear others express troubles they have faced in life that sound like my struggles. I grew up feeling different but feeling like I should be normal. It was quite awkward at times. I at least thought I looked like everybody else. I didn’t start to consider being autistic until a little less than a year ago, and I’m currently 37. The biggest help for me was the ability to let go of things I didn’t feel like I had control over, and give myself some slack for doing things I didn’t like doing. The idea of taking the mask off really helps me keep a bit more calm during the day. Mask goes on during work and thrown off as soon as I’m home. I’m more relaxed now. Before even considering having autism I was always stressed over my actions and inabilities. Now I’m more willing to embrace who I am.

[@whereloveblossoms]

I think a lot of people with and without Autism wear Masks! Just many non-autistics often are the ones in denial and don't address their masks /issues but make those around them accountable for their behaviours /attitudes

[@rachelb4235]

I'm really sorry it was hard for you to take in. :( I haven't been diagnosed but I'm 99% sure I'm autistic from what I've seen so far on traits. I think, for me, it'd be a relief. I've done a lot of counseling work for childhood trauma and the autistic traits I see in myself have felt like trauma symptoms that I need to fix. It's been really hard to accept that and a heavy burden thinking I'm just that broken. If I'm autistic, that's just who I am. It's not something I've done wrong. I don't really care about what people think because I've always done and thought my own thing. I think I care more about what I think about myself. And I see a lot of gifts in autism that the regular population doesn't have. We're very creative. We're detailed. We see things that others don't. Those are positive things.

[@TwitchandMoan]

I think I've made you blush enough from all the kind words I've said, so you know how I feel. Thank you for being open and sharing your experience.

[@dr.bandito60]

Thanks for sharing your experience. It can be really painful to come to a new understanding of yourself and the world. I hope you can regain a strong sense of self and find a way to feel excited about who you can be in the future. I'm not autistic, but I have ADHD with sensory issues and I'm genderqueer. I know how it feels to realize you are different, and to realize you'll never be quite normal. I had a friend throughout grade school (4th grade through 12th grade) who, looking back, is probably autistic. Her name is Lindsay. Lindsay was a bit socially awkward and seemed confused by people sometimes. But she was creative, artistic, and smart. It wasn't easy for us to talk deeply, but we did crafts together and always had fun. I didn't understand her struggles but I accepted her for who she was. I took the lead a lot but I didn't mind. She followed me around but it made me feel cool, haha. I never had to be alone, which was incredibly valuable, especially in middle school. I guess, I just want to say, if you had people who stuck with you even if you were odd, you should be confident that they enjoyed being with you, maybe even especially because interacting with you was different. The only thing that was difficult for me, was that she seemed like she wanted to be like everyone else, and I was proud to be different. So I felt a bit misunderstood by her sometimes. I don't hold that against her though. I would still be friends with her if we didn't live so far apart these days. And our lives have diverged a lot since then. But I miss having my art partner.

[@manuelvg15]

Once I was diagnosed it all made sense to me. Just wished I new about this in my younger years

[@Moon-ci9ev]

9:54 I need to heard this. Thank you. It's not a easy process. I feel sometimes so sad and angry, doubting if I'm even cared for the people around me. But I'm glad I know myself better and feel more comfortable knowing what I can to be more me and accepting.

[@justshawna]

I love the hair! Live that best life. 👍🏾

[@RedSntDK]

I agree with it being more difficult for late diagnosed, mostly because there's help to get when you're younger, but as an adult, at least where I live in Denmark, there's almost no help. It's just a facebook group for support in my area.

[@muscovy5000]

You look great and are a role model. Being autistic is just a set of traits and a lot of them make us who we are - smarter, more interesting, more unique. But definitely relate to what you're saying and you're brave to do so. Rock on.

[@Larkitect_]

I can’t thank you enough for your courage in sharing these videos, Stephanie. I know I don’t need “validation”, but that’s the only way I know how to describe how I feel after watching your videos. Thank you for being an advocate for all of us.

[@Budgetforsuccess]

I also had someone ask me if I had ever been tested that is what made me even look into it. Like you I had known growing up that there was something not right but never had any idea it could ever be Autism.

[@silviamedina3795]

You are amazing. School wants my son to conform but I see strengths with his diagnosis as an adult later in life. His dad is similar and is absolutely successful with his business since he made his interest and passion his career. Those are strengtjs I see. Others see OCD and focusing on interests, but I see an expert learning their craft.

[@maiamaiapapaya]

Okay 9:53 is when I cried. Thank you for saying that

[@Michelle-kw8dc]

Ugh I have so much to say to this video. I haven't gotten a diagnosis yet, but holy moly. When you said you truly thought everybody stimmed -- Me, too. But like I just didn't notice that people weren't doing it in public. I never noticed myself doing them. I thought it was normal to pick at my nails and skin and scalp all the time and to twitch my head. And now I'm sitting here crying because I got to the part where you said that people who have been late diagnosed probably have been hiding the amazing things about themselves. I don't know how much I believe I have amazing things in reserve, but I know, looking back, I heard the bullies' words every time I started to lean into a trait. I was taught to be embarrassed of the things that interested me and that I'm boring. I've been wondering how much I missed out on because I was trying to be someone people liked.

[@SB_McCollum]

What an amazing and mature young woman you are! I’ve only been diagnosed a few months ago at age 59, I’m still working thru reframing my life and relationships in the light of autism. I’ll be watching your other videos, I can tell you have a lot to teach me and so many others who are just now working these things out. I wish you all the best with your channel.

[@nataliefoxmartin]

I’ve been watching you videos and they all resonate SO HARD, and this one has me crying. When you said that you mourned the person you thought you’d be and then explained that person, I criiiiiiiiiiiied. I, too, waited and waited to become that person. I am 31 not and am still not officially diagnosed because of a very similar situation to yours, ignorant and uneducated doctors and what have you, I was even tested and slammed with BP and BP2 instead of ASD, so I got tired and gave up....but anyways, I didn’t start suspecting I was Autistic until about a year and a half ago, and I was relieved because suddenly everything made sense, but also, all the weird, uncomfortable shit that everyone said I would grow out of, was not actually a phase.....and finding that out was really hard. Luckily, as I’ve unmasked, I’ve actually learned to absolutely love my autistic self and I no longer mourn the person I thought I was gonna be, but it was definitely a journey. Thank you so much for your story. It is so similar to mine and gives me courage to help others with my own story. 💜💚

[@1yoginiheart]

Stephanie I am so thankful to you for making this video. I am 55 yrs. and just got diagnosed. I am feeling all the things you have expressed in addition to great overwhelm. I am feeling a bit defeated and then I move into acceptance. The diagnosis is helpful...More will be revealed. Thanks so much

[@StephanieBethany]

❤ I'm glad you were finally able to get your diagnosis! It is quite overwhelming. Just know that you're not alone!

[@1yoginiheart]

@@StephanieBethany My whole family is on thw Spectrum. I was masking so well; but always felt that there was some fraud living inside me. What exactly the fraud was....I wasn't sure. The fantasy of a true love, great career, stable life...feels as if it's escaped me. However, Now - I really do comprehend how ppl have taken advantage of me and I'm getting a handle on who the real trusting souls are. It's back and forth with acceptance. So, again I'm so grateful for your post. What a humble way to help others feel less alone and emotionally flooded. Kudos to you!

[@cornflayks]

i’m 25 and i’m currently going through all of this. i always knew i was different, but i’d never previously considered it would be autism. (working on a diagnosis currently). it feels like i’m seeing everything from a completely new perspective, including myself. the emotions really do come in waves. relief, anxiety, anger, confusion... but i think i’m on a path to understanding myself much better now.

[@bran1670]

I can definitely relate to what you have experienced. I didn't know about my own diagnosis until I was 25 after I had trouble maintaining a meaningful conversation with my peers at a university. My close relative, who knew about my disability all along, has finally informed me that I have autism growing up. I did my own research shortly afterward and found out that the symptoms identified matches with what I have. I slowly started to learn more about myself and how to better cope with my condition. I enjoy watching your videos relating to the topics and get someone's perspective. Again, thank you for sharing and would like to watch more videos.

[@chelseabradham3889]

Still self-diagnosed. My own family can't accept it. They know there's something different about me, but refuse to see what's right in front of them to the point where they wouldn't let me go get tested and now that I don't need their permission I can't afford it. I always knew that I had trouble communicating effectively, socializing with peers, understanding or even picking up on non verbal cues. I was always comfortable enough in my own skin that it didn't bother me too, too much. It was more just the complete rejection from my family that hurt the most.

[@jakemichael8586]

i got a late diagnosis as well. I was a classic aspi boy liking to build things. but not the complete diagnosis. after the diagnosis i felt relieved. you are not alone.

[@josephmartin1540]

You are helping a LOT more, not a little more! I think just maybe your advantages are greater than most people's "normal" disadvantages. This video calmed my brain after a long day of struggling.

[@sazdish5916]

Thank you so much for this video. Even though it was posted more than a year ago, you put into words what I haven’t been able to find the words for and made me feel like I can start to accept myself again. Mourning the loss of what you thought you would become is huge... I don’t think people not in this situation can really grasp that. Just, thank you. I got diagnosed about a month ago at 28 and I’m finding my way, but you rock. :)

[@cherylbell8875]

Thank you for this video. I just figured out I am autistic and you speak so much of how I'm feeling right now. I'm 56 and am overwhelmed with this.

[@gonnfishy2987]

Diagnosis and the whole disability model of assessment comes as a mixed blessing. ♾♾ “real talk” aspie style.

[@pablojuarezbrizzi157]

This video is pure gold because it is pure honesty. Thank you!

[@Minakie]

I studied a bunch of mental health illnesses and neurodevelopment conditions in college. At the time, ADHD was the only thing that made me go "Could I have this?" because, when it comes to autism, we were only learning about kids with very high support needs, and their experiences and struggles were so far apart from my own that autism never even crossed my mind. But, for the past year, I have heard videos of autistic youtubers describing my experiences and my life back to me, even stuff I kept private from everyone, from my family and friends to my former therapists because I considered those quirks "too weird to share" since "no one could possibly do the same". But of course now, even though I feel in my core that I have finally found my community, I feel like an impostor, especially since self-diagnosis is still seen as an abomination by neurotypical people, which is why, at the age of 31, I am finally trying to get an official diagnosis.

[@whitneymason406]

Well said! I have a son with autism and as I've been learning more about autism I'm beginning to realize that I may be on the spectrum myself. Your videos have really helped me see things more positively and I wanted to thank you for sharing your journey!

[@DanaM18129]

You can still be a confident, great business women. (: Just sayin Great video it helps so much ♡

[@bebehello1111]

Thank you so much for the courage and confidence you have to do this channel and put yourself out there and educate people.

[@nobodyofimportance3922]

I was diagnosed at 17, and a diagnosis explained my behaviours, experiences, and feelings to an extent. While an explanation was nice, it made me bitter because I felt as if I had been robbed of a 'normal' life. One consolation is that I have struggled more than most, and I am now stronger because of the unique hardships I have had to deal with.

[@WhatAnActress]

You’re transparency is ✨Beautiful ✨ 🥰 Thank you for your videos. You are not a weirdo! 🤪 You are awesome! 👸🏽

[@desarae7605]

I am currently going through this readjustment of my life and how I now see things differently than before. It's great to know I'm not the only one who feels this way! Thank you for this video🙂

[@madebymillie5181]

Hi Stephanie. I enjoy watching your videos and I can't wait to get tested although I'm still pretty scared of the possible results. Not quite sure what to do in between. I'm quite shocked and depressed, however there's a certain amount of relief. The worst thing is that nobody supports me in this journey. I get mocked and laughed at all the time.

[@kellybarrett1895]

52 and just found out. This is what I've been feeling for sometime...trying to figure out what was wrong with me. 4 counselors later, it makes so much sense. Thank you for explaining what I am thinking, but more eloquently.

[@Krissykaypie]

We are the same person. Except you realized a lot sooner than I did. 37. The part about the person you think you are in your head just had me bawling like a toddler on the ground. Thank you for sharing, I see you.

[@LynnLeFey1]

Thank you. So... SO much for this. I had this same sort of slow, dreaded realization just a few days ago. And I'm 50. And kind of scared. All my hopes for 'fixing myself' feel like their dying, and having to be replaced with how I'll cope.

[@otaku5869]

Thank you so much for sharing! This is very comforting. I can relate to so much. I've been very shocked since i found out and just now am i starting to think its okay to be Autistic. I'm starting to accept myself as being autistic. I've still got a long way to go until I'm comfortable telling my friends about it. I think they already know XD. See all the good things too instead of just focusing on the bad. I have so many hobbies and special interests. I'm good at learning anything myself like crochet quite recently for example or even something like skating. I didn't realize at first that learning so many things was something exceptional. I thought everyone was like that, but i realized most people like to stick with what they know and are not motivated or even want to learn many new things.

[@p.m.5141]

I guess we all went through a similar process with similar feelings... First denial, afterwards to deal with it psychologically and finally to accept the facts. It's helpful to see that we are not alone.

[@delilahhart4398]

I was in college during the 90s. It was first suggested to me then by my roommate, who was a psychology minor, that I was autistic. It pissed me off, because as far as I was concerned, I was nothing like Dustin Hoffman's character in Rainman or any of the severely disabled people I had seen. (Remember, it was the 90s, so people didn't know as much about autism then.) I always felt different, though, so I spent years trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I went to therapists and got diagnoses for depression, anxiety, and ADHD. They explained a lot, but they didn't explain everything. As I found out more about the different forms of autism, I began to wonder if I was on the spectrum. I was finally diagnosed with ASD level 1 when I was 44. I was relieved, because the missing puzzle piece was finally found. However, I began to have mixed feelings about it. I began to feel somehow defective. I'm still dealing with mixed feelings about it. Sometimes I'm proud of it, other times not so much. I'm not ashamed of it, though. I'm not going to hide it. If people reject me on account of the autism, that reflects more on them than it does on me.

[@Alphacentauri819]

You are so inspirational! I know I’ll always have someone with autism in my life...I’m pretty sure my mom and some uncles have it...as well as an ex best friend (realized it retrospectively), my ex and I’m pretty sure my kiddo does. My kiddo says he thinks he does and he sees it as a positive 💓 I do love his unique perspective, his no pretenses, his incredible amount of info about things he loves (Minecraft is the big one, it was Thomas trains), his view in wanting people to be who they are and not modify it...he’s 7. Thank you for sharing. I’m sure I’ll be annoying, commenting on so many of your videos...they are just so good, so helpful. This is in my top favorite KZbin channels currently.

[@StephanieBethany]

Definitely not annoying to hear your thoughts! 💛

[@sallyzedillo4468]

Asperger's on you is not weird. You are sharing your feelings ( not very Aspie). You are an inspiration to all of us.

[@anamarijadraskovic6478]

Thank you for sharing your story, i was really curious about how someone else felt when they first found out, and i relate to many things you said. All my life i've been different and i thought its just my personality. I also felt depressed a lot of the time due to my not fitting in and i wanted to know why, if there was a name for someone like me that didnt include the words "weird" and "crazy" Then one day youtube recommended me a video that had a title something along "are you autistic without knowing about it?" and i was curious but didnt think it was true. When i put a mental check mark on every point the youtuber listed, i didnt really react. I turned off the video determined to forget about it until i am ready to deal with it. A couple weeks later i decided i would get to the bottom of it and entered the rabbit hole. Of course i related to everything i found out about autism in females and actually understood that i am what you call an autistic person and the implications of it. At first i was very releaved and glad, as if i stopped carrying a great weight on my back because i have just solved a 22 year long puzzle. On the other hand another weight has been put on me because it meant i didnt just have a unique personality, and a lot of "myself" was actually a psychological disorder. Now i had a word for my weirdness and i couldnt help but think if all the people that bullied me over the course of my school years were right. Of course they werent, but still, this was the reason for all of that. They werent shitty people they were just normal and i was the reason i was bullied. At first it was hard dealing with that but with time i accepted it and i am continuing living my life but now without giving myself such a hard time for not fitting in and not understanding some things. I am glad i found this out and one day i might get a real diagnosis, but we will see, i dont really trust the doctors in my country.

[@Chuckufarley24]

You are very wise and knowledgeable, thank you for sharing! I recently went through this same situation in my 50's. I am still not really sure what to think, but agree with much of what you said. So many emotions. So many looks back and saying "now that makes sense (good or bad)". I just found your channel, thank you for the videos!

[@gigimcdonald5948]

I was diagnosed with autism level 1 at age 14. I had a similar experience with depression afterward

[@EpicKate]

I really appreciate your honesty and vulnerability about your struggles. I just took a little stroll in the comments, and WOW. Whenever the devil might try to discourage you or get you to quit, listen to all those people who are so moved and encouraged. Listen to the people who say you have touched their lives. God is using you. You are an internet missionary, and your sphere of influence includes people from so many different walks of life who are connected in how they see the world. A deeply personal mindset that has been and still is attacked as wrong by so many people. But you are helping to inform those who are coming to terms with it and those who want to understand better how to love and support their friends and family. What a calling you have. Be mightily blessed!

[@StephanieBethany]

Thank you so much for the encouragement and you're right concerning these comments ❤

[@alexlaessle1]

Way off topic: Your hair color is beautiful, and now I want to dye my hair the same color. Great video, too. Thank you.

[@anomalocaris540]

9:50 I really needed to hear that. ive been diagnosed lately. its a rough realisation. thank you for saying that. I cried to that.

[@catherinedesrochers]

This is such a great.... video... Like most of your content thank you so much 🙏 ... I just remembered I already commented 😂. I guess it is a video that appealed to me a lot as I listened to it multiple time

[@CarissaLeeVlog]

Thank you so much for this video

[@johnlechago8109]

I do not feel disadvantaged as an autistic. Unless I have to fold laundry. How do they do it! Hahahaha! Great video!

[@FutureAuth0r]

My reaction I went through denial, sadness, anger, fear and acceptance. I have masked myself into believing I was neurotypical and finding out I was far from it was a blow to my self confidence. I got over the initial shock and I fully self identify as an autistic female. I associated Autism with something bad and weird. I’ve always seen autistic people and pitied and was intrigued and confused by them…not knowing I too was on the spectrum (not only me but my dad, aunt, cousin and sister as well). I am 33 and found out this year. All the memories and odd things I did came flooding back. Like not looking people in the eye, reading at a young age and adopting different accents when I finally started talking.

[@noor-5187]

Aw it was heartbreaking to hear u say those things. So sad how we are all feeling like a weirdo and left out, while actually we could have other autistic friends who act/think similar to us and to share our interests with. But for some reason I only relate to people online. I keep wondering why I don't meet these kind of people in real life😕 I am 30, not diagnosed yet (trying to arrange that). Only a month ago I discovered that I'm very likely to be on the spectrum (I'm very sure🤫). Since that moment my world turned upside down, mainly in a good way. I now finally understand where my struggles come from and therefore am less scared about the future. I've been spending past weeks researching autism very intensely (as we do). I have been going trough different stages. 1:Being relieved 2: wanting to know everything about autism 3: reevaluating my whole life. 4: being suprised how everything seems so clear now and how people missed it?! 5: (stage I'm in now) being angry and frustrated that people missed it and thinking how I might have struggled a lot less if I had the diagnose before...The fact that my own mother is a psycholigist makes it harder to deal with. Also the fact that I've been in therapy for many years and past 5 years have seen way too many doctors and way too many wrong diagnoses. Knowing what I know now...everything points clearly to autism. How could all those doctors not see that?? I guess I'm angry at our failing medical system in general. I wonder what stage 6 will be. U probably know? Maybe another idea for a video, wink wink :p

[@jg1681]

wonderful video, im glad you shared this because i am having these same feelings as i slowly learn that i am 99% sure that im autistic and im looking to get a diagnosis

[@NotAnAnimator]

I get mixed up trying to leave comments, but I'm grateful you made this! Thanks for the video, I'm learning a lot ♡

[@flyingfalcon8999]

I was late to find out about my autism (03-11-18) and it wasn't until two months ago that I found out about my ADHD. I was always aware I was very different. I asked many times but I my father dismissed it or started his usual, "When I was in flight school..." my mother would make an appeal to my emotions and I usually dismissed them or took them as insults. She treats the three of us as if we are still toddlers. Her excuse is that her parents treat her like that. They treat her like she's seventeen. She acts like it and the four of us think that she never grew up. According to my therapist all of this has breed distrust and resentment towards my parents. This has made a severe impact on any romantic relationship I try to have with a woman. Because of these issues, and maybe made worse by my autism, I'm finding more in common with mechanical things like my avatar. She's a 1946 Cessna 140 that I've been working on since I was 12. I am sorry for not being the smoothest in this comment but these things have been eating at me for a long time and I have tried expressing my concerns/grievances but nothing has happened and it's tearing the relationship between my parents and I apart. Please if you have a child that is autistic don't make them have to learn about it from a binder while sitting in a wheelchair recovering from TBI at the age of 22. Tell them! I had to aquire brain damage, a screwed up shoulder, stiff joints, and a lot of pain before I got my answer. I went over half my life thinking I'm crazy! Don't keep something like that a secret!

[@StephanieBethany]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through with your parents and not knowing. I hope that other parents will be able to hear your message to them through this post and that those painful things get healed up for you.

[@flyingfalcon8999]

@@StephanieBethanyThank you. It's going to take a long time for that wound to heal.

[@Mrfurball25]

I always knew I was different but when I learned about autism I realized I am more different than I thought

[@drose3900]

I just found you! Now I have some binge watching to do.

[@StephanieBethany]

Excited to have you here!

[@sarahpenny3852]

I am really hoping for a positive diagnosis. I am 58! It would help me understand a lot if I am autistic.

[@TheAfrikaChika]

My parents didn’t tell me for years that I was autistic which was a good thing for me. I was a sophomore in HS then and for myself at the time I would have imitated autism that needs more support and more common stereotypes for boys with autism. My mimicking and masking was very strong and I was unaware of it. When my parents told me I was about to go to college and it wasn’t until now, over 5 years later, and I am more capable of going about things in a healthy way and I am now tackling getting an official diagnosis. They did the right thing for me not telling me right away. But thanks just my personal case. It’s definitely not the same for everyone. I was lucky to have parents who knew me and did the best they could with no real research to guide them. I was very lucky and did not have as many negative effects because of them.

[@Savitar95]

Thank you for making is video i only realised i thought different about 2 to 3 weeks ago and i can really relate to what you said in this video. So thanks again i really like this video.

[@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS]

Please don't sell yourself short... you'd be surprised by what you might be able to accomplish. I'm autistic and got diagnosed late in life (my 50s). And yes, it was an adjustment. Much the benefit of the doubt that I gave people (e.g., friends and partners) was not warranted. I was gullible and naive. And I have a better understanding of what I miss in the social world where indirect communication is the norm. And yet, in the world of work, I did a whole lot better because people are often more direct and task oriented. People's motivations are also clearer in work and I made my autistic superpowers work for me. While I didn't know I was autistic, I knew I was gifted at problem solving and seeing the logical consequences of ideas very quickly. I could see the holes in plans. This was valued by employers. Also, working in smaller, but not tiny, businesses was good--15 to 150 people--because it's easier to grasp the social structure, the motivations of one's co-workers, and who is trustworthy and who is not. I used to be a mediator and that's done in teams. I saw things that my non-autistic mediator partners didn't see and our mediation outcomes were more successful (neurotypicals believe that 60 to 70% of communication is non-verbal, but it's surprising what's communicated by choice of words, intonations, pauses that neurotypicals overlook). I also trained mediators. I was also good at taking on roles--roles have parameters and my weirdness was contained when I was in those roles. I was an attorney, a program and business developer, a workshop provider. I taught some college courses. I did all of that while continually being told I was "weird" and struggling to learn what I needed to learn to be successful in work. But I went after my dreams, chased work that I enjoyed, was respected, and loved my work. The social world is a whole nother realm. I think knowing I was autistic might have helped me realise that I needed my family to screen potential partners. (And my family definitely wants to help--they want to reduce my suffering--should I ever decide to have a partner again.) Partners knowing that I wasn't purposefully being obtuse or self-centeredly ignoring the hints they were dropping might have helped. Had someone told me that when you set boundaries with people sometimes the boundary being set might just be a clue that this is NOT a person you want in your life, then that might have ruled out all three of the partners I had in life. Rather than setting an initial important boundary (that ought to have been a huge red flag), I might have ended up telling people that perhaps we'd fit better with other people and broken it off with them. (Seriously, some people are too aggressive, avoidant, or Peter Pan like to be a good partner and if they need help becoming a grown up, then that can be the job of a neurotypical who can catch them at their game playing. It's difficult for me to see game playing. I need a grown up who can communicate directly as a partner. Life is not a game; I'm gentle and kind; I deserve better.) I was too forgiving, too loving... saw too much good in others and then was confused, like you, when their behavior didn't match my image of them.

[@_Siyana8_]

Diagnosed at 59. Found a lot similarity with you. My work career was great because of my logic and seeing patterns everywhere. Had bad relationships with friends and partners beeing too much naive. Now divorced with 3 adult kids I'm caring about members of my family and animals.

[@sadshyguygaming125]

I am 30 years old. I've learned about Aspergers less than 6 months ago. Finding out that I have Aspergers for me at first was almost freeing like a weight had been lifted. It made a lot of sense. That feeling when you feel broken your whole life but you have no proof and no one seems to notice and then you come across a bunch of people with most of the same symptoms as you and you find out the name it's very, I can't think of the word but it's a great feeling. (And yes I know that Aspergers is now just part of ASD but I am going to continue to use the term Aspergers because I feel it gives a better explanation or has a more narrowed definition. I first used the term Autism because I've heard it more, it's more familiar, used, known but people have a different view/expectation when they hear the term Autism vs Aspergers. I mean maybe I shouldn't and maybe at some point I will start using the term ASD but for now I am going to use Aspergers.) I've always wondered if something was wrong with me but no one ever told me something was wrong with me no one has ever questioned it or at least to my knowledge. Every one has struggles and problems in life and I've always just tried to do what I thought was expected of me. But I still wondered if there was something wrong with me I did not seem normal or I always felt different from everyone else. I am still learning what this all means I am still trying to learn who I am and how I work. I am sure there was some negative thoughts or feelings when I first found out about Aspergers it was probably a mixed bag but I do remember a feeling of relief and understanding. And I am not sure how I feel about it now. I am still struggling in life I am still trying to find answers. I am still trying to deal with Anxiety and Depression. Yes I now have some understanding whereas before I had none but all my problems are still there. I have not learned what all my problems are or how to deal with them. I am self diagnosed I have not seen any specialist mainly I've just watched videos on you tube. I feel like I could benefit greatly from seeing a Psychiatrist or someone along those lines but that cost money and I don't have a ton of it nor do I do well with maintaining a steady job. My income is usually off and on involves saving up while I am working and at some point getting fired/quitting and trying to find new work as I burn through savings. But also I am not sure how much I would actually benefit from seeing a Psychiatrist due to the fact that I am not very self aware of my thoughts and feelings and I probably would be very, I am not sure how to explain it, but maybe passive aggressive or would be a very difficult person to work with like I am fighting not wanting to change or something else and it's my fault not the Psychiatrist. Or in other words I would have to let the Psychiatrist help me. It requires some or a lot of work on my part and I don't know if I am willing or am able to do that.

[@archiecook55]

I'm late informed. I always knew I was different, I was in special ed during all of my K-12 school years, but no one bothered to tell me I was on the spectrum until my senior year of high school. Even then I was in denial of it at first. I've eventually come to terms with it myself as a young adult after learning more about it.

[@debral9651]

Realising that I might be autistic feels like that moment off sixth sense where the guy realised he was dead and that he had viewed everything the wrong way and was just piecing everything together

[@Maya-xh8ov]

You are amazing. I am going through the same process of accepting that there is something weird about me, and that wasn't me, who was thinking that is unique and would change to world, but i was just weird and never knew that. I also experience a lot of depression these days. I learned about this disorder 1 year ago, while i was having tuff time, very important exams and so on. I was broken. I really experienced some things and other things not. This was just because i didn't realise that i had them. But i was interested and thought that i might have it and the only way to understand is to learn more about their struggles and see if there is a match. I started following some facebook pages, that pop up and say random facts. Then i cleared the idea that i might be autistic. That sounded really scarry and i didn't want to be part of it. Then one year later. Big changes happened in my life and i had the change to explore myself better. I am in a new country and try study here. Everything was nahh good, it felt like i can deal with it. It was still very difficult to me. Different culture, no friends, the language, the fear that i would not succed and have to go back to my country, that i will make my enemys happy and my family sad, they invested so much money and i was a last. Beside everything a boy from my uni decided that he wants to know me and everything in me broke. I couldn't handle everything anymore. That was too much. He was a cool guy and i didn't wanna lose him but i also didn't know how to act, i told him things ábout me that i shouldn't, we had big culture difference and the fact that i have never had boyfriend make the things go worse than expected. I didn't wanna blame him for my sadness, because that was me, not him. After weeks of trying to get mylife in my hands i completely forgot who i was, i forgot what my talents ware and my self confidence was under the null. Then this idea of maybe having aspergers poped up in my mind again. I started researching and i every struggle that i had just matched, like never before. I was shocked: how couldn't i see that i have these problems. Masking was the problem. Because when there was no example that i can copy i felt stupid, like i am not from this planet, i dont know what to feel and how to act. So until now i identified every day a problem that i experience and i had melt down multiple times. And seems like this process will go so on my entire life. I have to face the truth that i would never become the person that i am in my dreams. I am just so weak and have to studdy and do exams in uni. It is just a nightmare. But i am happy that i happened. I had to realise this things. Now i have a flight after 7 hours to my homeland. Idk why but i feel like i didn't miss my family, i miss more the person who i was when i was there. I miss my happiness and confidence. I go to get myself back again so that i can continue stronger.

[@digtzydogmemechannel5670]

I was late diagnosed back in March. I still haven't come out to my family yet...I say come out because that's really what it's like for me. I told my family back in '17 that I thought I might have Autism and I got responses like "you're therapist doesn't know what she's talking about" and "I think you should pray about it / pray it away"

[@NHPackerfan2]

Digtzy Dog Do you really have to come out to your family? When I told my sons I had ADHD, they were like, "Soooo?" and "Uh huh." Deflating. I’m not sure they believed me. I am famous for being constantly late; people w ADHD are often time blind, can’t manage time at all. in fact, my consciousness has no "future" dimension at all. I have noticed they get very gentle w me when they have occasion to impress upon me how important it is to be ready to leave on time. If your family doesn’t react the way you would like, just let them be.

[@digtzydogmemechannel5670]

@@NHPackerfan2 Well for me it's more of a weapon anyway... which I know is wrong of me but I can't help but feel harmed and abused. Most of my life I have been neglected. Lost my dad young and my mom wasn't there and so I didn't have any parents, and constantly had issues in school. I feel like I want to slap them in the face with it because I want them to know how bad they screwed up.

[@MissShembre]

~Hugs~ Your videos are soooo helpful. I actually showed one to my bf, and he agreed that a lot of what you talk about in your symptoms list video sound like him, too. I don't know if I'll go get an official diagnosis because I wouldn't want to really tell others about it in case it would be used against me (humans can be cruel) and I know to just work on my social skills even harder. But I could relate when you felt angry that others hadn't given you their impressions of you, which would have been helpful. I'm not sure if I would have been diagnosed as a baby in the early 90s (a family member suggested it-- I had delayed speech, idk what else), and most art kids are bad at math or seen as shy, so nobody really would have noticed if they weren't looking. It also kind of sucks because I had a friend who was diagnosed, and she would point out things that I wasn't doing socially, but it never dawned on her either, probably because she was too busy being cranky. I would also suggest watching the Bill Gates documentary on Netflix. ;) Also, your glasses are so cute! I have a similar pair of frames but haven't swapped out the lenses yet haha.

[@neurodivergentdawn]

Thank you so much for this! I am 22 and was just diagnosed last week.

[@JustBreizy]

Hi Stephanie I’ve been watching some of your videos ... enjoying them very much! This one really touched me as you have an amazing way of being vulnerable and telling your truth of your story. Working with adults who are on the spectrum, I often wonder if some feel as you said “broken” ... that word breaks my heart and I’m so incredibly sorry if society player a part in that feeling or if that’s how you felt experiencing the world. Thank you for sharing your feelings and for using this platform for connect with so many others ❤️❤️❤️

[@stevesloan5935]

Thanks for sharing; you conveyed your experiences very well. I had joked about going into "Area 51" on my most recent bday, and then I realized that I'm autistic. Since then, reflecting on my life has often felt like the big reveal sequence at the end of an Agatha Christie mystery. Although I feel that I've been successful in many areas, did very well in school and had many friends, since childhood the primary recurring descriptor of me by others (usually in a bemused and benign way) was "weird". FYI this word comes from the Old English "wyrd", which is associated with having the power to shape one's destiny, or control fate. :)

[@kyleandrewsmasterson3359]

OMG! Stephanie thank you so very much I highly relatable 💖💖💖💖🙏🙏😍