How I Realised I was Transgender & Decided To Transition

Sharing how I realized that I am transgender. Discussing how I realised that my persistent mental health issues were the result of experiencing gender dysphoria and that I needed to medically transition.
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Hello, I'm Finn, welcome to my channel! I share first-hand experiences and practical advice on topics of mental health, recovery, gender transition and LGBT+ lifestyle, as well as my hobbies and general day to day life as an Open University Student and Freelance Content Creator. New video every Tuesday!
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#Transgender

[@TerraUmbraVampWriter]

I’ve shared this video with my mother in the hopes it will help her. I’m 30, so she’s struggling to understand how I “didn’t know” younger. Well, trauma and bad mental healthy didn’t help. I was anorexic, now I eat too much so struggle back and forth with weight. I avoided drugs and alcohol, instead I escaped into writing, working through my issues subconsciously I think. Looking back, looking at the stories I write and the characters, the signs are all there. I pushed the term away, I had always been led to believer my body issues were totally normal. That I just had to develop a thicker skin to be a tomboy, to reject the looks for having 8 guy friends to every girl, that I’d never have a close circle of girlfriends and eternally be confused about me and my place in the world. Since I’ve come out… it feels like stepping out from a dark room. It’s big, it’s scary, but I have never been so happy. I actually care about my health and appearance, I’m more caring with my friends, I’m more in touch with my feminine side while I’m exploring my masculinity then I’ve ever been. My friends all tell my I’m more confident, happier, with more energy, and I have only started socially transitioning.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I'm nodding and smiling reading your comment because l completely relate! I especially relate to how you describe finding your feminine side since coming out. As humans we are a mix of masculine and feminine energy and as trans we often surpress one or the other. I squashed any trace of feminine in me and hated it, until I became comfortable in my masculinity. I now realise I didn't hate femininity, l just hated that it marked me as female when l wasn't! Transitioning is about bringing ourself back into balance. We don't become someone else, we become fully ourselves. It is hard for.othera to comprehend how we can get to this age and not know, but as l always say, you have to be able to see it in order to be able to be it. We need words to describe ourselves and they come from interacting with others like us on the world. Unfortunately at the time you and I grew up, people like us were mostly Hidden Keep the conversation open with your mum, the more she sees you comfortable and happy, the more she will care less about the why and just be glad to see her son happy 🙂

[@pjolly24]

You might be in a difficult place mentally and using ‘trans’ as a way to be someone entirely different. Not saying this is the case for you but it was for me. I hated myself and changing myself was a way to be someone else other than me. Much like the person in this video; I had anorexia and I wanted a flat chest. I also dressed typically masculine. I also found it easier to get along with men (in my younger years at least). I also liked to play with typically ‘male’ toys as a child .. and there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with not being a girly- girl. There’s many different kinds of women; you don’t need to transition just because you’re not a cookie cutter example of a ‘typical’ woman’ or a Barbie.

[@TerraUmbraVampWriter]

@@pjolly24 that is true that you can be a woman and masculine. Gender expression and gender identity take a lot of forms, and that’s okay. In my case Trans Man still feels right, and I’ve never felt more like myself.

[@ljmotorcyclegrl]

Finn, thank you so much for doing this. I feel as though we could be brothers. I'm your Canadian brother :) It's uncanny how similar our stories are. I haven't shared my story publicly yet, but I'm almost there. I am pre T, 38 years old, and finally life is making sense. Thank you for being so articulate and vulnerable. Your newest friend, LJ

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

bless you my friend, I've only just seen your comment. I am honoured to be your brother!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you Jay. It certainly is common for us older guys to bumble through life without a clue as to why we feel so at odds with ourselves. looking back though the signs are so obvious!

[@suzannehardesty7918]

It is so powerful to watch this video in 2017 having seen your recent videos and being able to notice how strong you've been all of this time as a speaker: no "ums", clear message, engaging story and being able to see the mannerisms that are clearly part of your core self: your hand gestures and phrases. Your vlogs from back then are just as relevant today as today's vlogs, so thank you for taking the time to make them and thank you for keeping them around when it might be hard to see an earlier version of yourself.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Such a kind and generous comment, thank you. I would never take these old ones down, its so amazing to look back on!!!

[@extramirella]

totally agree

[@AlexanderLee360]

your story resonates with me so much omg. just, all of it.

[@seventhsatan]

This is exactly how I am feeling at age 39. This story was mine as well. Thank you so much for this video. This is what I needed to be okay with my journey.

[@penguinladyface]

Finn, I'm a trans guy and I've been having a hard time with not knowing 100% lately. This helped so much.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

ah I am so glad to hear this helped you. its so common in early days to doubt ourselves and that's ok! your confidence in your choices will increase day by day. all the very best to you my friend

[@ohteddyboyo]

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. It feels good that "I'm not wrong" and that other people have gone through similar feelings about themselves and their gender. I'm 34 yo and I live in Germany, pre-t pre coming out to my family. Some close friends and a bunch of guys on the internet know... When I started "trying out he/him" pronouns something sparked in me. It felt good, it felt right. I came out to a great group of people who I've been playing video games with for almost 2 years now... They were absolutely amazing and I've never felt more accepted. My mom's reaction on the other hand frightened me, so I held back my coming out to other people "IRL" ... Until I told my best friend. She was speechless, but told me: "I'll support you, no matter what." Another year of anxiety and depression passed when I stumbled across a study for trans people who never seeked therapy but wanted to. Anyway... In two days I'll start that therapy, I still have to come out to some family and extended family etc ... And I guess I'll have to just live with a mother that might not accept me as her son. ❤️ Lots of love ~ Teddy.

[@maximellow5745]

Omg baby Finn was adorable. But seriously, watching this in comparison to your recent videos is powerful.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Ah thank you! Yes, I feel the same when I watch old videos now, it is incredible how far I have come, both physically and mentally! Thanks for watching!

[@jaredkodiak8160]

I relate to your story so much. I’ve just recently come to terms with being trans and pursuing medical transition, and it feels really heartening to hear someone else with a strikingly similar childhood story. Love your personality, looking forward to more recent vids 👍🏻

[@TravelingwiththeGramkracker]

Thank you Finn for this video... I relate to your story as if it were my own minus the alcohol, & drug addictions. My addictions were food and I’m sure other stuff. However the Trans story is exactly how I feel. I am now 61 and finally know what’s been wrong my entire life. I started T 7 weeks ago and have been watching your T videos and bust up laughing because all those things are happening to me. It is so cool that there is someone else that has experienced similar life issues all stemming from not being in the body we were born to be! Thanks Rādie oh yea I subscribed!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I LOVE this comment! How awesome are you! Such an inspiration my friend, its never too late to be happy! I am so excited for you!!!!

[@stay_sentient]

as i am trying to make sense of my life despite many moments of self-doubt, i am so glad to have discovered your channel. i am 28 and had just started exploring my trans identity since last year. there are so many things i can relate to in your story, and it is so hard to find a story like that online. thanks for sharing your voice, and i will def come back here from time to time especially when i am in doubt.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Bless you Chris, I understand the nerves! Discovering I was trans was so bitter sweet, on the one hand I was so excited and relieved to have my answer but on the other hand I was petrified about what it meant and what would happen. Now Im just happy though so dont worry, the fear will settle into a beautiful deep knowing and peace :) Glad you found the vid so helpful , thanks for your comments :)

[@PhnxMcCracken]

I’m 35 and just recently coming to terms I’m trans and lots of these feeling your sharing is how I also felt as a child.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Its never too late my friend! There are plenty of us older trans folk around. Welcome to the journey! I have a website too if it helps finlaygames.com

[@PhnxMcCracken]

@@FinnTheInfinncible awesome! I’ll check it out. Thanks

[@EthanJay1261]

Good video Finn. I can relate to some of those experiences. I think it's a great idea to resurface some of those old vids in a different perspective now that we have been transitioning!! Take Care My Friend, you are an inspiration!!!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I completely agree, in just a year my thoughts and feelings have evolved so much and revisiting stuff is very interesting! Thank so much Ethan my dear friend :)

[@Charlie.M.Green1905]

I know this video is like 6 years old, but your story is so similar to my own.. I always preferred dressing in my older brothers clothes over the dresses and such my nan picked for me.. as a teenager I stopped eating three meals a day but I never realised it was to get rid of my chest, I came out as lesbian when I was 14 (I hadn't heard of Trans at that point). I self-harmed for many years, until early this year actually. It wasn't until I was almost 20 that I heard of trans.. That's when I started questioning, for a while I was like "Oh, I'm non binary." but it wasn't the case, I came out to everyone in my life as FTM when I was 23 in March of 2018, and got a binder and stuff, but than my dad started making comments about you can't change your birth sex etc.. and I went back in the closet after four years of figuring things out and being completely out for a few months. But now I'm 25, and I've started the process towards becoming male, though I'm not telling my family because I need to do their comments, though I've spent most of my life having moments of wanting to cut my own breasts off.. I still have those thoughts, probably will until I get top surgery. But now that I've come out to everyone else around me but my family and have medical stuff rolling, I feel better than ever. It's nice to hear a story more like my own. Thank you Finn.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Bless your heart. This is exactly the reason l began to share, to show a different narrative, that sometimes it can take us a while to work things out, and that's ok! Thank you for your kind words my dear friend. Stick around!

[@VladProdigious]

I began watching this video the day before yesterday. When you began to describe your past, I thought "Hey, that's actually how it was for me too". A little later I thought "Hey, THAT is ALSO how it was for me... how peculiar, I've never heard anybody describe the same things in the same way as I experienced them!". A little later still I began to feel it was almost kind of unreal, and I thought to myself that "hey, in a moment he'll surely describe something that's nothing like anything I've experienced". But you kept doing it!... I mean, EVERYTHING you describe is my story... I mean EVERYTHING is as if you were reciting my biography, and yet it is yours. At 8:37 I had to pause the video. I haven't cried or wept in about five years, since I started on T. I'm just not very prone to crying. But at this moment the tears began to flow and they continued to flow, I started to shake and couldn't stop. This is a turning point for me, Finn. You see, I'm 57 and I didn't know there was something called trans-men until about 5 years ago. I immediately knew this is what I am, and in that sense I had come home. But I was still alone, and my surroundings were still trying to... well... prevent that I (and others like me) can thrive and lead a satisfying life. However, watching your videos and hearing your story - especially when finding myself listening to my own story but told by you who don't even know me, in combination with the videos that show how you have conquered such heavy odds as is the case - it makes me realize that maybe, just MAYBE, I too can prevail in spite of everything as I have always aspired to do, and maybe I can use it to do something that benefits other people who are at a disadvantage because of circumstances they have or had no control over. And for that I will be forever grateful... Yep, I owe you big time, my friend. :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

+Vlad Prodigy Wow, that is just so wonderful and completely why I share. In the process of my recovery, the biggest impact on my getting well has been in hearing my story in other peoples stories. The relation between people is a powerful healer, it tells us we are not alone, that our feelings are valid, and that we too can endure. I am just to moved that I passed this experience on to you. You can indeed prevail my friend, its so hard to make a change this big because we do it without any prior knowledge, its a complete leap into the unknown and it requires a great leap of faith. Thats why sharing is so powerful we can see people that took that leap and landed in a much happier space, it then spurs us on. Thats what has happened to me in my recovery and in my transition. I honestly thought it was too late for me, that at approaching 40 Id done so much damage that all I could really hope for was to settle for just an ok life. I had no idea that it was possible to be this happy. I feel like Ive been reborn, I dont care that Im about to turn 42, I realise now that its never too late because its not about how many years you have left, its about how much quality you put into those years. I now life so much more fully than I ever did, Ive done more, lived more, experienced more in the last 5 years than I have in my whole life to date, and thats because I finally took the leap of faith into living a true life. I highly recommend the leap my friend, the take off is rather nerve racking , the landing is a bit shaky, but the new territory is wonderful! All the best to you, happy to chat anytime.

[@samtucker5514]

I know this video is old but my god, our lives are so similar. I'm 37 and am contemplating transition. I've struggled to find people to relate to...so much so that I've been trying to convince myself that I'm not trans. I thought that because I didn't feel 100% male, then I must not be. I also broke down in tears the first time I put on a binder. It was such a clear moment of recognition - I've never felt anything like it. Thank you.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Ah I relate to all that, especially the "im not trans enough" thing! We are realising now and thats ok, it doesnt make it any less real and every human is a mix of masculine, feminine and all shades of inbetween, none of us are 100% anything! Its about feeling who you are and if that feeling is male, in any degree that makes you "trans enough". Good luck on your journey, happy to chat anytime!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Yes, and thank goodness things have changed and are still changing. Im so grateful to everyone on youtube because it was this place that helped me above any other, hearing all the different trans narratives really helped me so much. Cheers for the info my friend

[@koomel]

I have never related to a trans story MORE than this one right here. Thank you, SO much, for putting this out there and telling your story - it has helped me so much in my own gender journey, I can't put it into words ❤❤❤❤❤ you said it all!!! It makes me want to scream or cry or something, I'm in the very beginning of my ftm transition journey, having finally realized that I am in fact a man, and every time I watch this video it makes me feel euphoric and happy in my own skin, even if only temporarily. So thank you, again, so much. Your story is saving my life!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thanks Kai, eating disorders are very common in trans guys but not very often talked about as its seen as such a "female" thing. It makes total sense why some of us go uber skinny or uber large to hide our feminine shape. For me, realising why I was doing it, has helped me to finally start to eat sensibly, but its not easy, once the hormones kick in and masulinize my shape things should be easier...even easier still once the moobs are off! Thanks for your comments my friend :)

[@SenoraJimJob]

It's starting to hurt how much I relate to this video, I'm so glad you turned out to be you Finn 💕

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Sending you a massive hug

[@spenceoverthefence7119]

Totaly awsome video as always, I had those air planes too :) I can totaly relate to your feelings as a child, for me when puberty hit I went into shock and spent years and years numb. I put on weight so I wouldnt have to deal with boys. I was a mess and its only been in the last couple of years that things make sense. You put into words what I havent been able to, thank you Finn.

[@manchitas3531]

You are such a precious human being, Finn. So valuable to others and so admirable! God bless you. I just want to come through the screen, give you a big hug and tell you that everything will be OK

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

And you are so lovely bless you. It's strange seeing the old me now and remembering how lost I was. I have come further than l could ever have imagined and discovered more happiness than I ever thought was possible!

[@rorymullen5708]

Very good video finn, I can tell you this when we were going out with each other I never thought you were fat, also I knew you were different when we were going out with each other with the way you dressed so I am not surprised you have decided to go trans good on you mate.

[@lisamccellon]

Astounding. This is a video I will show to every person I can, trans* and not. You truly do the world a great service with your brilliant and open way of talking about these things on your Vlog. Thank you.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thats such a lovely thing for you to say, thank you so very much. I like to be open, its people sharing with me thats finally enabled me to make sense of myself, so I just want to do the same in return. When I get amazing comments like yours, it makes the risk of sharing myself so openly very worthwhile. Thank you :)

[@Chrisforder82]

Thank you so much Finn for this video! I've just been glued all the way through it and it is hitting me hard as you have explained pretty much to the letter of how I have and am feeling!! It is all most looking in a mirror (obviously you being the better looking man) but OMG it is scary and my stomach is all over the place with nerves! :-) thank you

[@astrog8tr]

Awesome video. I definitely related to the lack of a vocabulary to think about who you are. I had no idea that one could do this, but yet I , like you, see signs all along the way that I was/am trans*.

[@lynca2205]

Oh god that “am I fat” thought just dug up a memory of mine. I remember feeling the exact same about my thighs when I was maybe 13 for some weird reason. And looking back now it was because I comparing my legs with my brothers’ *facepalm* I absolutely hated that mine were thicker and my hips was always my biggest source of dysphoria when I was finally able to put words to it

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Yep!!! Mine was exactly that! Now that I'm transitioned , I still have chunky thighs, but they are MENS chunks thighs and that's ok!!!

[@myflyingkidney]

you are a great storyteller. you managed to talk for 20 minutes and make it really really interesting. this is possibly one of the most interesting stories about discovering ftm identity i've seen. and i have seen hundreds (maybe even thousands) of videos on the subject. keep talking :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you so much, that's so very kind of you! Reassuring too as Sometimes worry that I waffle on!!!

[@myflyingkidney]

for some reason no. it's interesting. a very intelligent perspective. so thank you :)

[@keepsmilingboy]

This is too good:) im like cryong bc i just watched ur recent videos, and you've changed so much and thats just so amazing. Like my best friend is a trans man pre T, and we are literally so excited for his beard! He's really excited now bc his brother has a nice beard. Ahhh!!! Thank you because ive never seen him so excited

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Bless you! I find it amazing how much I have changed too! All the best to your friend!

[@seth9304]

This is a really good video. For us older trans coming to a realization of being trans isn't a black and white issue a lot the times, I totally related cuz i grew up in the 80s/90s also

[@kriskabin]

Dido Seth.

[@AndyMcKeever12]

Fabulous story for all! / You jogged a tiny memory: all my life, I was overly attached to my mom & had an on/off relationship w/my dad. But, I loved watching him come home, take his cash, his comb, his lighter, etc. out of his pockets, one by one, & place them on the dresser before going to bed. I told myself, I'm wanna do that when I get older. 50 yrs later, I realize I loved & admired my mom more than anyone in the world, BUT I wanted to be a man like my dad. Thx, my friend, for the memory!

[@MetamorphosisChris]

I'm once again commenting on a really old video. I keep coming back to your videos because you life has so many similarities to mine. Watching this made me ache, because so much of what you said I've lived. It's so strange and wonderful to actually know I can become who I want and I can stop hating my body. Thank you

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Bless you my friend, you can become anything you want! It can just be a little uncomfortable en route....but then you suddenly find yourself through the other side and into a world thats brighter than you ever could have imagined!

[@leroyMXII]

This is beautiful.. I am 25 and just came to a realization that I am probably ftm, scares the shit out of me and I am super afraid still to admit it to myself. Even though I identify as non-binary since 21, and also came out lots of times saying that I do not identify as female, I do not feel female and don't see myself like that,. But confusion persists for some reason for me still...

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

It can take a while to work things out my friend, give yourself a break, be gentle, listen to your internal self and I promise, it will all suddenly make sense one way or the other.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Yeah I get what you mean, I found it so amazing that so many other people felt this way about their chests, it made me feel so much better to know i wasnt alone after years of not understanding why they felt so wrong. And its good you cant get drunk.....this experience is hard enough without adding dealing to a drinking problem to it. Having a slear head is the best tool to deal with the difficulties of transition. Thanks so much for your comments my friend

[@vivianne2573]

Accurate honestly. Especially after being without and not being able to have adequate help I can definitely say that my mental health was affected also.

[@shay_on_fortnite]

When you mentioned the trying to talk about the past without adding what you know now, I had that when I had my session with the private clinic and they kept asking me the question again without relating it to right now if you get what I mean. And trying to tell them about the past is hard, I hate my old life why would I want to talk about it. I wanted to say so much but the appointment wasn't very long and it still frustrates me now that I never got the chance to tell them everything. The private clinic has short appointments so I guess they don't want you to say things that don't relate to what they're saying sorta thing.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

It is really tough my friend, but it does get easier over time. Talking about the past is much easier for me now. Hope you are doing oK?

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

What wonderful comments thank you. Im so glad it helped. I think so often, or at least was the case for me, i thought you always have to had known from day one you were male, and that just isnt my story. Turns out its actually the same for a lot of people. Take it from me, the future can be very very bright indeed, I had no idea such beautiful light existed :) Good luck on your journey my friend :)

[@Dark90Night]

Hi! I really liked your story... I have had some thoughts about FtM and that I feel more like my self in men clothes and want to get rid of my bre**ts, but my greatest fear is also that if this is just a fase or is it more than that..... I have tried binding and I really loved how it looked and the feeling, but I don´t dare to go outside whit it so that my family notice .... but thanx for your "vid" it really helped :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Hi my friend. Glad you liked the vid :) Gender is not as black and white as we are often led to believe. I think its important to explore it for yourself, to look at your gender identity and your gender expression and find out what feels right for you, rather than how youve been told to be. Your fears are normal, I had them too, we all do, so just take your time, explore, talk with others and trust that in time you will find what is right for you. Best of luck and thank you for getting in touch

[@Another951]

Thanks Finn for this video. I can really relate to the long discovery.

[@dean9235]

I can't believe it was you Finn! He's like Finn's little brother. You are awesome! Xx

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Haha! Thats a great way of looking at it! Yes, what a long way I have travelled! Thank you for your kind comments :)

[@quinnwithin5876]

Thanks for making this video! It is very enlightening.

[@dexterdex2655]

Your story is very similar to mine, in that I had alcohol problems (recovered on my own) and took drugs, but because I didn't have easy access to them, I never became a drug addict, thankfully. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in 2011 at the age of 19, and then Autism and ADHD this year. Life has been a rollercoaster. I still had something missing from my life, I didn't feel complete. After years saying to myself "I'm not trans enough, I'll never be on T or have top surgery, I'm looking at these KZbin videos of trans guys and feeling so jealous of them, that's what I want and need, but I'll never have that", I came out to myself and told myself I am trans, and this is the answer I've been looking for all my life. I feel almost complete now. I'm to have a psychiatrist appointment here in Southampton, Hampshire in August, to hopefully get a referral to my preferred GIC in Exeter, as the waiting lists are shorter. Hopefully by 2016 I'll be on T. I'm now 23. Can I ask where roughly do you live, as I know you had trouble in another video trying to get referred to Exeter instead of London? I hope I don't have the same problem.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Hi my friend. Thank you for your comment and sharing so much of yourself with me. Its common to slip into feeling "not trans enough". The media stories often portray just one very straighforward gender narrative, but in actuality, very few stories are that clear cut. You are whomever you define yourself to be, there really is no "enough" exept the being enough for yourself. I live in Oxford. I did have a fight to get referred to Exeter, however, thinhs are much more straightforward now. You no longer need to see a psych, your GP can refer you to the gender clinic of your choice, so, just visit your GP, give her exeters number and ask that she phones to refer you. If she says she cant, tell her to look at the NHS guidelines for gender referal transactivist.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/nhs-england-interim-gender-protocol-cpag-approved-12-7-13-released-15th-july-2013.pdf If you have any problems drop me an email at [e-mail] Good luck!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Of course not my friend. Some people know from a very very early age and the good thing is that there is lots of help for people under 18. Are you able to talk to your parents, or do you have a school counsellor or somebody you can go to for a chat?

[@Ninjalover9xD]

I cried while watching this- you just explain my thoughts and feelings so good!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thanks so much my friend, I understood you! I am late replying, and I hope by now that things have improved for you?

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

yep, I gathered we are pretty similar. There is nothing that cant be undone my friend. My eating is still a work in progress....but with a LOT of determination Ive managed to get it a lot healthier than it once was.

[@RockinUK]

Thanks for sharing that. I also relate to a lot of what you said. It helps to know my story isn't so unusual.

[@jodysnakeyes]

Really really important. I feel weird being older and transition(42 now). Knowing that I was transgender explained a lot of my mental health(eating disorder and addiction). And I do come from a different place then people who transition from a younger age and in another society! It is just how you explain it, Perfect.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Indeed! Trans people come in all ages! Our narratives vary, and as older people we didnt have access to the words to explain ourselves. Once l found trans people so much of my life made sense! Amazing feeling isnt it!

[@jodysnakeyes]

@@FinnTheInfinncible Sure is. Now I am on T, I wanna go out and connect with people. That is weird before Dec 2019, I wanted to be home all the time. Especially when I stopped drinking.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Ah yes, I can relate to that too!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Hi Andy! Oh gosh I was the same with my grandad, I loved how he was always so neat and tidy with his shirt and tie, and his pocket watch, and his rituals, I used to want to be like him too :) Its amazing how all these things start to come back when we begin journying into ourselves. Thanks so much my friend :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Yeah i self harmed too, think a lot of us come to transition with a lot of MH issues...which is understandable really. Like you, since working out whats at the root of it, the rest has been so much easier to deal with and so many issues have disappeared. Pleased for you mate and thank you for your comments

[@shay_on_fortnite]

I hated the idea of a bra, I lived in vests for years, I am so glad I have a binder

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Oh yes indeed, I can relate to that!

[@Zafiee]

Great video. I always seem to get excited when I see that you upload a new one. I really need to make an introduction video soon. lol

[@deletedchannel3638]

You can hear his voice trying to break out, like a little chick trying to bust out of an egg. Great video Finn! I relate to having zero knowledge of what transgender meant growing up, but I knew something about me felt off ( especially when puberty hit ). I feel like if I hadn't grown up being told trans men are lesbians and trans women are gay men, I wouldn't have gone through the same thing you did where I thought I was a lesbian or I wouldn't have grown up believing no one could be a different gender than what they were given at birth. Because of my family I have never been able to express myself freely and currently I still can't, but at the very least your videos helped me realize that I am indeed a boy, and that there are other people are like me. You helped me get to this point Finn, and I'm incredibly grateful 💙

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

My dear friend, what an absolutely lovely comment, thank you so much. I know what it is like to feel lost, and if my vlogs can help, even in a small way, to help people to find themselves and their happiness, then I am one very happy man! Here's hoping a space opens up for you soon, to fully be, and be seen as who you are. Much love and strength to you.

[@deletedchannel3638]

@@FinnTheInfinncible 💙💙

[@inkpot]

It's like listening to myself. Great vids. Thanks.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thanks my friend :)

[@tristanratcliffe8233]

Like so many others here, I too relate very closely to your story in so, so many ways. Thank you for sharing it here. How are you getting on now? And how is your partner Drew getting along with his transition? I hope you are both well and happy :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Tristan Ratcliffe Hi my friend, sorry for the delay in reply. Relation is good! Its helped me to find people I relate too. Im good thank you, waiting for a surgery date (first stage phallo) and enjoying the summer off Uni! Drew is waiting for his first doctors appointment to discuss hormones, all being well he should start this side of Christmas. We have just done an update...which is being uploaded in parts as we waffled so much! Hope things are good with you?

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

It certainly isnt unusal, the great thing about youtube is it really demonstrates how diverse the gender narrative is, and there is no such thing as being "trans enough" glad it helped mate, and thank you :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you Rory, that means a lot mate :)

[@KaiScott]

Sweet stuff! Thank you for talking about the gendered aspects of eating disorders. Throughout high school, the only way that I could deal with my gender dysphoria was to (over)exercise and control my eating. I recognize that it is still a huge driver behind my current exercise regime of running. When I skip a day, I have an anxiety that my chest will grow back overnight. And binders are huge transly confirmation piece, eh?! I cried, too :). High five for sobriety!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

@iswty I sorry it upset you....but very glad it helped!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

God, what we have to go through to get here eh? Im very very lucky with my mum, sehe's always accepted me, when I identified as gay, and she now supports me fully as a transman.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Hey dude, yeah those planes were awesome! And yes, thats pretty much what happened to me with puberty, i took to drinking and smoking weed not long after, as a way to cope with the depression and confusion and numb myself. We are awake now my friend and its just gonna get better and better from here on in :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Bless you Caleb thanks my friend :) I loved my skateboard...it was green and one of those skinny ones and I used to love going down massive hills just for the adrenalin rush! Such an addict...lol!! That binder moment will live with me forever. Thanks so much.

[@jaysonbarthorpe-freeman4803]

I have just realised how to find your replies in U-Tube so sorry for the late messages back. Yes binding is my god send! well done on the chest surgery let me know how it goes!

[@ilikewhitevans]

Thank you for posting this. Its helped me loads.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you for watching! I am very glad its helped :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thanks for your amazing comments my friend. I would really like to be involved in trans education in some way. Watch this space!!

[@AlexLukeC]

This video is amazing, thank you. I can relate to so much, when I started growing those things it was so wrong I convinced myself that I was going to die from breast cancer because I knew completely that I shouldn't have anything up there it was the only other explanation. And my body image got so messed up as well, but I didn't understand why. If it wasn't for other experiences freaking me out as soon as I get slightly tipsy I would probably be down that route now.

[@TMEK76]

Your story is so much like mine i really appreciate all your videos youre the me i want to be ive just got to overcome the fear caused by my Autism wish me luck

[@ThiefofAlwaysNL]

Thanks for sharing! My story is so much like yours, it's scary... The biggest difference is that I'm sure I'm attracted to men. I am now at the point where I'm discovering that the more male I act and present, the more comfortable I feel. But at the same time I get more and more rejected by my boyfriend, just because he is only attracted to women. And I get that! That's the most difficult part. But apart from that the pieces of the puzzle slowly fit together. My therapist will send me to a gender clinic. I'm excited and scared to death at the same time... (Side note: my English can be a little bit broken. It's not my first language ;) )

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I understood you perfectly my friend. I can feel how you feel, I remember it well, thats sudden understanding and relief at knowing but mixed with this god awful fear! Just take it one day at a time, it gets easier and quite wonderful!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Had to look him up...never heard of it!! I can see similarities...thanks!!! :)

[@mellamojori]

Really inspiring

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you so much :)

[@linuxaddict11111]

Long video yes but so fascinating! Thank you for sharing :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

I try to make them shorter....but often fail! Thank you for watching :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you so much Caragh :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thanks my friend, yes its certainly a long adventure!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Hi Seth, its certainly not black and white for me, it might have been easier to realise i was trans if it had have been a lot more black and white, but luckily youtube showed me that there are so many different trans narratives and it doesnt have to be black and white at all. Thanks fella :)

[@raywinter7321]

Hey - cool vid mate :) I'm ftm also and find your vids very informative thanks!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thanks so much Ray!

[@dominicmalachilewis8396]

I know this is an old video, but it's helped me as one of the things my parents keep saying is that why was I 'so old' at 30 before I realised. This is exact is what I keep trying to tell them.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

it's an old vid but the story is the same. I hear similar from many guys my age, there just wasn't the awareness or the words when we were growing up so it's not surprising we didn't "know" until we were older. have you seen the channel it'saman'sworldftm1? a great collab channel filled with older trans folk. we are not alone!

[@dominicmalachilewis8396]

+FinnTheInfinncible I was 26 when I realised but I had a lot of thinking to do before I could do anything about it :) I'll definitely check that channel out :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

It's never to late to be happy :-D :-D

[@TheVeryAngryShrimp]

Lot of parallels here. I always saw that folks say you need to be x for so and so years. But it didn't happen until I hit puberty and I started getting a chest. It was fascination but in the "WHAT ARE THOOOSE" way. The girlish figure and being called a little girl and daughter and lady fucking blows. My folks like to make it worse by verbally wishing I could dress more and be more feminine and less like a "bulldyke." But I didn't recognize myself or think of myself as a dude. Just masculine. I wanted male features, however, and I never considered myself a woman, because it's such a fucking alien concept for me. Gender expression is a spectrum, but good goddamn, I don't want to be female and I feel insulted being called a woman. I didn't have words for this feeling, and it went away because I needed to focus on other things like classes. It wasn't until highschool did I research more on it. Nonbinary is a blessing and a curse. You have a word for it and a community that supports you but at the cost of dysphoria and angry people. I can't see how anyone can enjoy a path of self-discovery when it involves shit like this. ( ´_ゝ`) But good on you for enjoying your own journey! Look how far you've come and the leaps you've made!

[@extramirella]

thank you. just thank you.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Bless you, thanks for watching!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Cheers man! And yes, please do make an intro.would be good to see you!

[@Ashwhitetiger94]

You look so different here, Finn! It's like watching a completely different person :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

+Ash Saunders Its crazy isnt it! I love looking back on these vids! Cheers fella :)

[@spenceoverthefence7119]

So true bud , wide awake and moving forward!!!!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Glad you found it helpful, thanks mate :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you John :)

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Its an undescribable feeling isnt it!!!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

yes Im hoping it will really help with my depression and anxiety. And I am trying to be as healthy as poss right now...lots of protein...healthy carbs....water...green tea....but body in too much pain for exercise as yet...am hoping to get back to running tommorow...i have itchy feet!!!

[@teijaflink2226]

How sad that you had to struggle with eating disorder and addiction before you realised you where trans. It's understandable it took time for you as back then trans wasn't really talked about or seen as a option. I'm not trans but still I kind of really relate to your story and struggles , even if the reason for my struggles us different than being trans, though I have feeling some confusion about my sexuality, I have always thought I was straight (now probably bisexual), can sexuality actually change with time though I may have been bisexual even before actually.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Thank you my friend :)

[@Innerbalance66]

Mate I so relate to you in almost all aspects mate :) I was 8 when I first realised my body wasn't right and I already was attracted to women so yeah very young. Like you it wasn't till I was 15 that I saw the same documentaries u probably the same ones :/ I was very lonely as a youngster didn't have loads of friends as they thought I was weird. I accepted I liked women told my mum at 12 she stopped me seeing my gay friends, she was a strict RC so I went out with boys so not right :(

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

A pleasure! And feel free to message me on here or at [e-mail]

[@coffeezombie247]

wow, so much of what you said/say resounds with me. All my life something has been wrong. Didn't have the slightest clue what it was, I just knew something was not as it should be. Maybe if I graduate from high school I'll feel better...no. Get married, have kiss that will fix me... 2 marriages and 5 kiss later...no. Find Jesus, or the right church.... Still no. Depression, an comfort eating set in an I gave up. At my heaviest I rock the scale at 379 pounds. Roughly 5 years ago I was exposed to a older trans man, and his friend a stud lesbian, who opened my eyes to the possibilities of being transgender or at the very least gay. I have always liked women, always behaved as a boy. Always worked harder than most men. But it was not till I took a tube of mascara an acentuated my natural mustache. That it clicked thats what was wrong all along. My first thought was that's what is missing, then my second thought was oh no I look just like my dad. That is when I started researching and learning about the transgender community. I'm now almost 2 years on T, still pre surgery (saving up my own finances as I don't want any insurance company to turn me away, or tell me what, where, or when I can or can not get what I need done ) Yeah it may take time, but I have goals and it will be ok thanks for everything man Jimmy

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Yes all that sounds familiar to me! Its amazing now looking back isnt it! Its so obvious now! Everything happens for a reason and in its right time I think! Congrats my friend!

[@coffeezombie247]

Yeah, it dose. I've been binge watching your channel for like 2 or 3 days now. Is nice to see someone close to my own age, being so successful. Stokes a fire in me you know? There is hope.... Now if I could only get motivated to start my own channel lol.

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Ah thats exactly why I share! Let me know of you do start, its not for everyone thats for sure!

[@sambroyd693]

Love the t-shirt fella, where'd ya get it :-)

[@marcielynn4886]

Post op here by 1985. Thought I was the only one on the planet.

[@jaysonbarthorpe-freeman4803]

OMG I cried as well when I put my first binder on! Tears of happiness!

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Cheers mate, got it from Republic :)

[@Mrlittlewolfuk]

you will feel amazing from now on :) also if your on anti depressants you may mot need them ever again as the T steriod gives you a boost naturally :)...remember to exercise and eat fats as fats help the T metabolise..bacon and eggs :).

[@rachaelgosser5659]

I cant believe your 39 here. You dont look more than 22

[@FinnTheInfinncible]

Haha! One of the benefits of transition is looking younger than our years! Im 46 now, the same age as my partner but everyone is still surprised to find I am not his toyboy!

[@brianhemingway5907]

I was wondering if I was to young because I know I am transgender but I am only 14. Am I too young?

[@queerbaobab]

I'm about to be 39. Damn... :)