How I TRIED To Talk Myself OUT of Diagnosis (Learning To Be Autistic!)

[@paulinejulien9191]

I’ve been suspecting I might be autistic for a couple of years now, since first watching ‘Love on the Spectrum’. I’ve been researching it for hours every day for months now. Yesterday I had my initial appointment with a psychiatrist and after 30 minutes of talking to me she said ‘yes it seems very likely to me that you’re autistic and I do think you should get assessed’. I’ve never been closer to a formal diagnosis and yet my imposter syndrome is kicking me in the b*tt saying ‘no you’re not autistic you just somehow influenced the judgement of this professional’. Ugh. UPDATE: I’m officially diagnosed 🥳

[@LynIsALilADHD]

Ive talked myself in and out of it so much ive given myself whiplash! And since actually getting a dx at my age (and in my state) isnt a possibility, i end up coming to my therapist with the exact same convo like, idk, every 3 months or so...🤷‍♀️

[@butsoftwhatblight]

the skill regression thing is a big one! For a while I felt like knowing i'm autistic limited me MORE, and I worried that I was putting it on, but it's the adjustment period where you stop pushing through things so hard. I'm not officially diagnosed because as you say, you literally don't get any more support or resources of any kind, knowing myself has given me all the benefits of a diagnosis. I empathise with people that feel they need validation of a professional but that never felt important to me

[@Catlily5]

I don't always say it, but many of your videos are helpful to me!

[@Belgaer]

I’ll be that person in the comments telling you that I really needed this… Hearing you talk about these things, the exact things I’m going through right now, and having these thoughts, which are the exact thoughts I’m having, is so comforting. My assessment is in about 2 and a half months, and it’s….going to be a long 2 and a half months. Thank you so much.

[@empatheticallyme5971]

You've put into words how I've been feeling for the past year, I've been feeling like my "unmasking" has been myself just lying to me about Me. so much so that I feel almost angry when I read or watch more experiences like my own and realize I could have been helped so much sooner if I just wasn't afraid to do more research and learn the Truth. Thank you for sharing your reality, You are helping more people than just the ones commenting and sharing back with you.

[@KatjaTheAutiArtist]

Thanks Dana, I love how you deliver your information. I find it relatable. I started my own channel and it seems like a hot mess to me. But I am currently struggling with the same ideas.

[@TheSimpleSprinkle]

Thank you Dana! I am currently waiting for my assessment appointment in April and I grew up with a dysfunctional family, a lot of trauma, narcissm etc. and it's wild how you learn to completely ignore your body and needs! Next thing you know, you end up as an adult feeling miserable with comorbid diagnosises such as anxiety or depression and it takes so long to even realize what might be going on. I feel very much how you feel/felt atm, so thank you for this video!

[@stuart162]

Fab video! Your insights about skill regression and self-accommodation, even prior to diagnosis, resonated deeply. Thanks for sharing. 😊

[@gwynbleidd839]

I'm at this point of just thinking that I might be actually Autistic, been for my life having issues with Social Anxiety, and I just thought ah fine I just have SA, even though I haven went to any professional or anything, I just figured that out from the internet, while I was in high school and just got tired and stopped for a sec, and said: "what the hell is wrong with me?? why I'm I like this?" and then I found out it's Social Anxiety, and been struggling with than and more, but been content with that, "oh I don't need a professional to tell me what I already know", up until out of no where, a video from Japanese KZbinr, I follow, about an Autistic girl who went to live in Japan, as she saw it more fitting with her Autistic personality and it's been shocking how much I can relate to her, and actually she wrote a book about it, Called: "But You Don't Look Autistic at All" by Bianca Toeps, and it's book title is just brilliant, because that's how I feel when I look in the mirror, when I think about an Autistic person, it comes to my mind being super brilliant and have super strong memory and such, because of movies I guess, making such characters on the front, because they are more interesting with their super powers like the Good Doctor and such. but I didn't know that it could be that different, like huge differences between each one, so I have been going on, searching and watching every KZbin video about it, and feel that I can relate more and more, and yes, I also wonder now, I'm I faking it or something? I'm I really Autistic? maybe I'm just socially awkward because I don't like to deal with people, and thus I'm just not trained well at it, it's really odd feelings, it's like it explains so much about me, but I can't stop but wonder, do I really have ASD? I will try if I can to see a professional and see what I will come out with, hopefully it is actually ASD, because it would be hella confusing after relating to all of that, and oops you aren't autistic, your are just depressed or something like that.

[@Catlily5]

Too late, we know you are one of us!

[@TheHeroicHunter]

I relate so much with this! I’m awaiting an assessment and in the meantime have been told I have borderline personality disorder but I can’t even connect those dots because I don’t have trauma from my childhood. But the more I research about autism and watch videos about it, it just seems so obvious to me!

[@Catlily5]

Autism can look like BPD. I was misdiagnosed with BPD.

[@nellyefron]

i really relate to this. i was also in denial and talking myself out of the idea that i might be autistic for almost a year. at first i was like "i might be autistic, or maybe i just relate to autistic stuff bc of my ADHD, but i'd rather just ignore it and not know". and by ignoring it i pushed myself deeper into the burnout. at this point pursuing an assessment and finally accepting myself seems like the only way. and i'm glad i'm learning all this about myself. i'm still waiting for my assessment so i'm having a massive imposter syndrome - "what if i just googled stuff and convinced myself that i'm experiencing this? what if i'm exaggerating my issues and they're just from social anxiety? if i'm actually autistic, how come no one noticed earlier?" etc. etc.

[@advaitawho]

Relatable 😩

[@brettb22]

Your cat is a good listener 😸

[@brianfoster4434]

You summed up late diagnosis quite well. There is no support for an adult. In the US, the only support is ABA for children - which is criminal in my opinion. The one thing an adult diagnosis does do however, is to require employers to provide accommodations. I'm lucky in the sense that - if I want an accommodation like wearing hearing protection, I just do it and nobody bothers me about it.

[@ramonam.1668]

Thank you for taking the time to talk about yr experiences and struggles and realizations I can think myself out of or into anything but listening and relating to you lends me some quiet in my mind

[@0zyris]

I haven't had an official diagnosis. Not sure I am interested in getting one. I can't imagine what can be changed about the way I live that would improve anything, really. I only worked out towards the end of lockdown that my issue was autism. I did a few of the available tests online and scored on average around 96!! But learning about it through vids like yours has explained a huge amount in my mind. Or at least put a label on it. - Like why I'm okay to spend hours, even days, on my own without seeing another human being. - Like why I don't feel comfortable in a crowd - I'd rather be with one amazing person. - Like why I have such a huge concentration span for some things - I started learning Blender 3D during lockdown and spent around 14 hours a day 7 days a week until a few months ago. I liked lockdown. When it became an easy thing to order shopping online I jumped in with both feet. I have always liked technical creative things. Machines and science. To me there is no difference between making a piece of art, writing a poem and making a piece of music. My processes for doing them are all the same - just sequences of logical steps. I don't find that highly mechanistic things are separate from expressive and emotional things. It's all just complex chains and networks of cause and effect. To me it's all down to how you look at them. And that you can choose. In my twenties I took LSD a few times, and in doing that I came to view myself as a cloaked figure standing on the top of a hill, alone with my black horse. And down in the valley below was the town with all the people in their little houses with their little families and little lives and their pets and cars and televisions and jobs and streets and gardens, all doing pretty much the same things every day like it was a story that had been written and scripted. And from time to time I could go down into the town and move amongst them almost invisibly doing what I needed to do. I had no desire to be one of them. That way of seeing myself never left me. In history, books and movies the characters I always relate to are like Gandalf and Merlin, Gaileo and Leonardo Da Vinci, William Caxton and Steve Jobs,, James Watt and Richard Trevithick, Rafiki from the Lion King, Mark Watney from The Martian, Spock from Star Trek, McGuyver and the Wizard of Oz. I have always thought that observation, analysis and logic, together with intuitive creativity was the centre of the way my brain worked best. And that somehow that made me different from all those around me. It also opened to me the possibility of doing almost anything I felt like doing. All I had to do was choose, work out the process, then act. That for me is the model of the Wizard and Iike it. That isn't to say that I didn't make serious mistakes and bad choices as I sailed the sea of life. I could have done it a lot better if my vision then had been as clear as it is now. I should have listened to myself more, not less. I love your analysis, working through it out loud. It reminds me of so much! You are already a winner!

[@mrmarten9385]

I wish I got the help I needed after I got my diagnoses (for the 2nd time). But yes admitting you are autistic can feel like defeat, to keep up your best face so to say, because you don't want to feel like a failure. I don't think you're to needy or greedy to go accept therapy (to work out your trauma's) or not being able to (fully) participate in the workforce and society or (in a more utopian world) accept a liveable welfare check. It isn't a competition of who is the most disabled and needs help the most, even if our brains want to play such games with us. If you have a disability you deserve help, just for humanitarian reasons. You're also a human being whose live does matter. Society and the workplace is very focused on developing vertically (career path etc.) where even horizontal development (switching careers (often)) may be frowned upon, let alone the understanding of people that best develop orthogonally. I believe it is better to let autistic people do their own thing and find community and help them/us with practical life stuff, than it is to force autists into a convoluted framework that squeezes the life out of us (just so the system can say we did that for you). I believe that autistic people can benefit a lot to humanity/community, being human or humanness. Thank you Dana for making this video. I think it can be of great benefit for people in overcoming (self-imposed) barriers. Greetings.

[@theiabodium]

Im currently beginning my diagnosis process for autism, and even after having one of the worst meltdowns of my life the other day, I'm still trying to gaslight myself into thinking im just faking it. So, this video hwlped a lot, knowing that it is normal to experience such intense imposter syndrome gor us late diagnosed people

[@servadac42]

I can relate to this because I would suspect that I was autistic for many years, but for various reasons I ruled it out. The biggest reason is that self-assessments don’t work for me. The questions make no sense to me. So I would get an incorrect score and it didn’t help that I always took the same test over and over… But I also would believe in some of the common myths. The public service radio in my country Sweden would air a show saying that autistic people have no empathy! And this was just a few years ago. The example they gave even was a 100 percent affective empathy situation, and I have so much affective empathy. So I believed that. I also have this ability where I can read people, which I were led to believe that autistic people can’t. But I understand now that this is common among autistic people and that it is because of trauma. You learn to spot signs that someone is unsafe as a survival mechanism. Another big thing though is that I didn’t know what masking was. I had heard the term but didn’t research it further.

[@Muhluri]

Please put a link to episode 1 in the description. Also put it in a pinned comment. This makes it easier for people to find the video and therefore more people will watch it Also: don't feel bad for asking viewed for stuff. Whenever I ask people to subscribe, I always find I get more subscribers.

[@andyvan5692]

Dana, at 3:25 (not being rude), thats the whole point of the ASD diagnosis, it has every symptom of ADD/ADHD/sensory processing disorder/anxiety/communication and fatigue disorders ALL rolled up into one package, "WE" exhibit All of it, in varying degrees, of each, and different to other ASD's , a Diagnosis means it's a permanent condition! and something which society, our families, and US have to live with, for the rest of our lives. That last part can't be under emphasised, this is how we get funding (in countries like Australia, where I'm from, England and others with a governmental programs to help disabled people live their best lives) the diagnosis turns the "medical" model on it's head, into a "social" one!- the idea / concept of a society helping people live their own lives the way they CAN best, with any help, support, or devices necessary to do so, for both families of afflicted people, the PWLED's themselves (people with lived experience of a disability), teachers, potential employers of us, and other government workers (systemic advocacy space) and IMPORTANTLY a total removal of any attempt at a cure for it, just managing basic health concerns like normal people have, and any life threatening symptoms (psychiatry/psychology)-dangerous stimming behaviours, or meltdown actions which is understandable, but its letting us live our own way, and keeping US in control of our own lives .

[@mooniecrooks]

hey dana. I have my evaluation in 4 days and I have been through a phase of not wanting to go through with the appointment. It's been a year since I put my referral through and now I'm just like 'eh, why does a diagnosis matter anyway. I'm probably making it up.' So I'm quite nervous. Hearing you say this gives me a little more faith in just going through the process as overthinking it now isn't going to help me. I hope I can remain this calm the night before my appointment though! Thanks :)

[@Catlily5]

How did it go?

[@crissmores3434]

Your hair looks so beautiful you look so cute 😍!!!!! ❤ I wish you have a very nice day ❤️

[@j.b.4340]

I have physical characteristics, which give me a visual confirmation, to go along with my psychosocial AuDHD traits. Fifth finger clinodactyly, single transverse palmar crease, 2D:4D ratio in the autistic range, for my sex, taurodontism, slight bi-temporal narrowing. I have a lot of co-morbidities, as well. I actually have clinodacylly on 6/8 fingers, because I’m not including thumbs. I also have twin toes. All of these autistic, physical characteristics, which I listed, were found in published papers. I just assumed they were random, physical oddities.

[@dobo9150]

Literally doing this "am I gaslighting myself" dance rn. [sarcasm> It is totally super comfortable!

[@Catlily5]

I ate what was put in front of me as well. Even if I had to choke it down. In my family you didn't get a choice unless you chose to be verbally and possibly physically abused and go hungry. I didn't like most of the food I ate either!

[@laura.bseyoga]

Totally relate to the imposter syndrome. I'm hoping a diagnosis will put a stop to it, but who knows!? It'll be March at the earliest for my assessment after a 2 year wait 🙃

[@gmlpc7132]

I was struck by your point that some people may have thought you were autistic when you were younger but didn't raise it with you. I think this is very common with many issues and not just autism. They may think you already know and it's being dealt with or that whether you know or not you're quite content with how you are. Some may think you've been told many times and will be annoyed or even upset or fear that they might be seen as bullying you. A lot of people find it very hard to tell others something they think might trouble them. Unfortunately the end result is that the person with the issue just goes on struggling or being negatively labelled. I certainly wish others had flagged-up things about me when I was youngster. Autistic people in particular often struggle with self-awareness and can benefit from sensitive and supportive comments from others.

[@Catlily5]

I said something to one of my friends. It didn't go well. Now I am hesitant to say something to another of my friends. I am trying to think of the right way to say, "hey, maybe you're autistic!"

[@snuffybox]

i love all your videos