How I've Worked to Heal from Gay Loneliness

[@creech444]

I think that so many of us feel bullied and "othered" growing up, we just carry that with us where ever we go. So even in these "safe spaces" we can carry that still. Also, unfortunately, young gay people can often carry on that bad behavior that they've been modeled so often. So I think one of the first thing younger gay people do is form clicks and very insular friend groups. it's a defense mechanism we don't know any better. It also takes a lot of effort to learn to be open and welcoming to people. We often fall into the trap of desperately looking for a new family group; are we bears, are we leather queens, muscle twinks, fem twinks, should we hang out with the draq queens, where do we belong? It's really hard as much as we talk about owning our uniqueness, to really know what that means sometimes. One thing I can recommend, go to bars with low expectations, just go to people watch and enjoy the scenery, don't go thinking "OH, I have to find someone to go home with." People can pick up on the desperate vibe as well as the casual, I'm good, I'm just here to have fun vibe. Also, look for validation outside of the bars, there's so many other social groups these days, gay bowling, gay hiking, gay sports groups, gay diner clubs, volunteer groups, those are often much more condusive to actually talking and meeting people. Sometimes you actually have to work at meeting people and it's hard, gay people are raised to focus internally, expect rejection, and we often sabatoge ourselves, so we won't face rejection. Work at it, practice just going up to people and saying hi, and something simply like "Hey I really love your shoes, those are great." and that's it. Keep in mind too that we learn from our mistakes, but you have to make those mistakes and you never will if you don't try. Sometimes you go up and say something to someone and get shot down - big time. Just relax, and say, "oh well, that didn't go well... but I'll live. If that's the worst that happens tonight I'm fine." I grew up a chubby ginger with a speech impediment, so was a horribly shy kid and then throwing gay in the mix in a rural conservative community made it worse. But I was so glad to move off to a gay-friendly city with those safe spaces you mention.

[@DonnyWinter]

Excellently said! ❤

[@tula1433]

Sadly most gay men won’t work to break the cycle. Tons of lonely fem gay men who refuse to date each other and would rather chase after downlow men with blank Grindr profiles all day. I see this all the time with gay friends. So many gay men are hoping for a straight passing masculine man to show up who lets them be the effeminate counterpart to his masculinity. Half of my gay friends say they want to be the “girl” of the relationship. That isn’t how it works sadly. Gay dudes shouldn’t model their desires after what straight women get. I read something once that was actually pretty offensive but seemed to almost make sense. Gay men view their own flamboyance as a deficit, and when they realize that their partner has the same deficit it turns them off. I think that if just a few gay men would open up to dating other gay men that are camp and flamboyant like they are, the gay scene would be better for dating. Everyone’s waiting for a straight acting man who never comes. It’s toxic and heteronormative.

[@bryanthomas4907]

I think they/we do know better but some people cave bc they are morally weak.

[@bryanthomas4907]

The volunteer groups sounds like an actual safe spot. Hiking too. Maybe I should look for those. Honestly Grindr wasnt bad for me bc it takes away that hellish "are they gay, do they like me" mystery but I ended up snapping during Covid and fucked a bunch of people out of anger at having mental health services being limited at that time (I felt discarded by the state) but then of course that retriggered my religious trauma which I had resolved a decade ago. Beat it back down again but why does everything have to be so dramatic?? Sighhh... Is this shit even possible? Honestly I just want to do art with my cat. That's what makes me happy and safe and I'm getting a good flow of commissions to where I could drop one of my jobs.

[@streamofawareness]

Trauma can feel so isolating, and when it’s something we’ve known a long time it can be scary to let it go and look beyond it. But there is something beyond it and I’m glad you’re able to see that now. I love you!❤

[@DonnyWinter]

Agree completely!! Love you sweetest!

[@glitchessence]

You are beautiful, inside and out. The universe sees this and will grant you many blessings. ❤

[@DonnyWinter]

Thank you!! Right back at you! ❤

[@Prince_Charmless]

I’m also gay and lonely. Subscribed 😊

[@DonnyWinter]

Thank you for the support! ❤

[@Wes-Tyler]

Love your name

[@erikpeltomaa9747]

​@@DonnyWinterfor some reason gay women seem to find relationships easier than gay men do because women have been closer with each other as long as i can remember and gay women dont expect as much as gay men i have seen a lot more gay women couples than gay men couples and even though you have a relationship you can still feel lonely because you think that you dont feel so close with your boyfriend as you used to be thats my view of this .

[@SoteraSuspiriorum]

For me gay loneliness occurs due to my social anxiety and introversion, I simply do not feel comfortable in crowded spaces especially full of strangers. I personally never been to a gay bar because I do not drink nor like alcohol (tastes awful and makes me feel terrible) so this spaces by default are those I avoid constantly. Meeting new people is really hard and that’s without mentioning the cesspit that is gay dating apps. Thus, my journey continues.

[@DonnyWinter]

Totally understandable! Do you have any online hobby groups/circles you can meet people in? Those helped me quite a bit in the past. ❤

[@SoteraSuspiriorum]

@@DonnyWinter I do have some hobbies, hopefully when I go to grad school I might meet other gays. The pain tends to come from expectations so the less I expect the more I might experience? Hopefully it does that. Gay hookup culture truly is a toxic thing imo. I bet many guys are desperately seeking intimacy and vulnerability and can only satisfy that (temporarily) through instant gratification which then becomes an addiction. Such is the way of life, I guess.

[@maximeu5221]

This really resonated with my journey I am a 26 y.o French man working in Paris. I have been going to therapy for years because I have a deep interest in psychology and understanding myself. Healing though feeling the loneliness I was avoiding for years due to my childhood as a gay person really changed the way I engage in social settings and how I engage with people. I am so much more open, able to talk about myself and I feel much more confident in the way I simply am. Thank you for your video ! :)

[@DonnyWinter]

Thank you for this kind comment! I'm happy you resonate with what was said here. I think many gay men do, we just don't always share/articulate it!

[@mikekent1490]

I have spoken to many older men like myself but their sights are set on younger men not those around their own age. They are not particularly interested in me. They suffer terrible depression as a result of aiming too high. Plus, sadly, many of older age have given up on self improvement and let themselves go. My mother always drilled it into us, "Never give up on yourself, never let yourself go". I haven't. I am no Prince Charming but I have tried my best to follow that advice. I look after myself and my body. I refuse to value myself through someone else's eyes. My self worth is not governed by what others think of me. I couldn't care less. They can go and eff themselves. I have never had a deep meaningful relationship with another human being. I was molested at age 11 and raped by a 28 year old man while 4 others cheered him on when I was 15. This sealed my fate. I couldn't form emotional relationships after that and never spoke about it until I was in my 50's. I have lived alone but I am not lonely. I have never had the privilege of feeling "in love" with another male or have them love me. I am into the Leather scene and have "friends" in that community but find them shallow. Maybe that is partially my own fault. I don't think too much of the future, it's frightening. I live each day and enjoy each moment. I feel so sorry for those who are alone. I try to help my neighbors and community. I am always open to meeting new people, especially if they share my interests also, but that's not a rule

[@drinks_menu]

This is a serious question so please don't take this the wrong way. I genuinely would like to know if you think you could have healed without entering a relationship. I just seriously feel like I have never heard from a gay person who talks about healing who is single. It partially frustrates me because when people talk to me about it, they seem to think I should just magically heal, but simultaneously for them relationships are used as a mechanism for healing. What I am saying is, I feel like everyone else gets the luxury to learn to love themselves via the love of others, but when I express that I want or desire that, the response I am given is "if you don't love yourself how the hell you gonna love someone else..." etc etc etc. (i find the ru paul quote reductive for a number of reasons despite ultimately agreeing with it's core meaning) I just feel like there is a plateau you can attain when you're goin at it by yourself for months/years/decades, and eventually it's just going to come down to pure luck to extend the healing process. Even with therapy, i felt like my process had plateau'd just due to the fact: if no one has ever given you an external source of love, you are going to hit that wall.

[@DonnyWinter]

Oh I didn't take this the wrong way at all. If anything, it's a superb question. I'll try to answer this, but I may also do a part 2 to this video clarifying this too. Personally, I think I would have healed but it probably would have taken longer (assuming I would be in therapy in this sort of alternate reality). As gays, we often don't get to learn to love ourselves because we're never taught that at a young age. Instead, all our energy is focused on surviving and staying safe. As much as I do love Rupaul, I don't always ascripe to the "if you don't love yourself bit..." I think the reason many gays find healing upon entering a relationship is because seeing someone else's journey/trauma can act like a mirror for our own. Truthfully, I started my own healing process before entering my relationship. Through said relationship though, I learned that my trauma ran much deeper than i expected, resulting in my own need to delve in to make sense of it because it was never my partner's responsbility to figure that out for me. I realized that my own self-destructive tendencies were complicating my ability to make connections, so, that had to be figured out. At the end of the day, in my other videos, this is why I also emphasize the importance of representation in media. In those times when we're focused on staying safe/secure (at the expense of our growth in the area of love/belonging), seeing ourselves represented in media can model those behaviors and scenarios for us. Even being able to see that helps in some way. Anyway, I hope this respons made sense! Appreciate you commenting. ❤

[@howdyEB]

I've always felt like I never fit in anywhere, especially in the gay community. I need to be braver and put myself out there more. It's hard when you are alone and have no friends or family support system to cheer you on. I'm tired of talking to my cats and being alone all the time though. 🤣

[@DonnyWinter]

It is very hard to do, but you WILL get to the point where you feel good about putting yourself out there. ❤

[@howdyEB]

@@DonnyWinter Thanks 😊

[@francoisbessing]

Gay loneliness has ruined my life. I live to go to class. Was speaking to someone but that fell through. I just can’t seem to make this work and I want to. I’m seeing a therapist. I’m afraid that my trauma could be incurable.

[@williethomas9953]

Gay loneliness is real. So many things have come up that often we use as an excuse not to live. There are a thousand of them the truth is we have inflicted this upon ourselves. Yeah, religious indoctrination, body issues, racial disparity, fear of AIDs, fear of violence yes those are real but they are not the problem. They are symptoms of the problem. The fact is we are ashamed and we are afraid of being different. Afraid of not being able to blend in. It's ok to be different. Different is not wrong different is not inferior. We can and should always be our best selves and most authentic. We owe that to ourselves. We owe ourselves the security of being loved by the people whom love the real us. If you lose someone then they were not a loss because they don't want the real you. It does not matter if you are 14 or 50. In the end you are who you are and other people's opinion does not change that!! Surround yourself with kind people, loving people and know you are where you belong. Be supportive to others and listen. That is true happiness being able to love others and willing to accept love, compassion, comfort empathy and support from them!!

[@DonnyWinter]

Perfectly said. I think the more we're able to have these conversations, the more we're able to bridge gaps in our communities. ❤

[@gabor_kov]

This is a huge issue in the LGBT community. Straight men are lonly, but gay men are on next level loneliness. Thank you for talking about this.

[@tula1433]

Gay men are ten times more picky then straight men sadly. Every gay friend of mine wants a 6’4 Abercrombie model who shows zero signs of being gay. That’s just not the reality sadly. I wish there would be a fem gay for fem gay movement and position in the bedroom wasn’t there most important question.

[@yacobETC]

Congrats for you. I"m very proud that you healed

[@DonnyWinter]

Thank you ❤️❤️

[@user-wb1qo6ol4h]

In solitude, never lonely and happy since 1999. No physical friends, family, partner s*x or physical contact of any sort. Left the gay community in 1999. Never been happier enjoying life without any drama like before 1999 when we were 28 and not alone, but very lonely.

[@darth6129]

I have never been successful with gay apps other than hookups, which make me feel dead inside. Only time I ever found a gay guy IRL that I clicked with, he already had a boyfriend. It seems like rarer than winning the lottery. I'm so sick of being alive.

[@michelletewhata7768]

With your beautiful heart, you will have no problem getting handsome guys in my country My best friend is Gay, I love him to bits We can talk, laugh have fun for hours

[@DonnyWinter]

I'm glad you have this wonderful friend. ❤️ I finally found myself a good guy after all these years

[@michelletewhata7768]

@@DonnyWinter beautiful, we all need that special somebody. I been in a long term relationship for 20 years, and I told my partner I’m attracted to woman. He was so understanding and accepting, we closer than ever, best friends. I am currently having a look online. Be the first for me

[@nigelwaters7864]

Gay lonely and old is the worst.... Especially in a gay bar.

[@DonnyWinter]

-hugs- the gay bar can be so isolating when it should create belonging ♥️

[@bigredd6684]

I think you are absolutely so beautiful and handsome.❤

[@DonnyWinter]

Aww thank you!

[@bigredd6684]

@@DonnyWinter You are welcome. As a Black, I absolutely love my vanilla brothers.😍

[@bobsee8226]

You look and sound great. Bars are not a place for normal human gathering. It's a place for display

[@johninman7545]

Bisexuali men treated me the best I don't think they thought of themselves as bi

[@plastictouch6796]

You've heard of gay loneliness well get ready for trans loneliness

[@DonnyWinter]

I mention that in a couple of my other videos in this series. ♥️♥️

[@MrMustacheFBI]

so basically i need therapy, huh /lh

[@DonnyWinter]

I personally needed therapy. I don't think therapy is for everyone, but if you are ever interested, I think it's worth the effort!

[@vince7735]

I'm more interested in hearing about the shelving unit behind you.

[@abdulc5726]

You think a bar and/or a club is a 'sacred space' for gay people?? Sacred?? You need to grow up. Bars and clubs are where people go cos they dont wanna grow up.

[@lilsomething8905]

Well historically gay bars were the only safe spaces for gay people to be themselves. Even now, for many places it's the only place to find other gay people.

[@wordscapes5690]

“There is no such thing as loneliness - only high standards and low self esteem.” Sorry, not my quote, but rather interesting.

[@andreia2418]

Go buy a gay dog , so much better

[@bifeldman]

All people are lonely. Get a cat.

[@DonnyWinter]

@@bifeldman A cat isn't a human 🤣