How I've Worked to Heal from Gay Loneliness

Рет қаралды 4,375

Күн бұрын

#lgbt #mentalhealth #relationships
Someone asked me how I've healed from gay loneliness. Let's just say the process is ongoing. This video discusses my journey.

Пікірлер: 48

@creech444 6 ай бұрын

I think that so many of us feel bullied and "othered" growing up, we just carry that with us where ever we go. So even in these "safe spaces" we can carry that still. Also, unfortunately, young gay people can often carry on that bad behavior that they've been modeled so often. So I think one of the first thing younger gay people do is form clicks and very insular friend groups. it's a defense mechanism we don't know any better. It also takes a lot of effort to learn to be open and welcoming to people. We often fall into the trap of desperately looking for a new family group; are we bears, are we leather queens, muscle twinks, fem twinks, should we hang out with the draq queens, where do we belong? It's really hard as much as we talk about owning our uniqueness, to really know what that means sometimes. One thing I can recommend, go to bars with low expectations, just go to people watch and enjoy the scenery, don't go thinking "OH, I have to find someone to go home with." People can pick up on the desperate vibe as well as the casual, I'm good, I'm just here to have fun vibe. Also, look for validation outside of the bars, there's so many other social groups these days, gay bowling, gay hiking, gay sports groups, gay diner clubs, volunteer groups, those are often much more condusive to actually talking and meeting people. Sometimes you actually have to work at meeting people and it's hard, gay people are raised to focus internally, expect rejection, and we often sabatoge ourselves, so we won't face rejection. Work at it, practice just going up to people and saying hi, and something simply like "Hey I really love your shoes, those are great." and that's it. Keep in mind too that we learn from our mistakes, but you have to make those mistakes and you never will if you don't try. Sometimes you go up and say something to someone and get shot down - big time. Just relax, and say, "oh well, that didn't go well... but I'll live. If that's the worst that happens tonight I'm fine." I grew up a chubby ginger with a speech impediment, so was a horribly shy kid and then throwing gay in the mix in a rural conservative community made it worse. But I was so glad to move off to a gay-friendly city with those safe spaces you mention.

@DonnyWinter 6 ай бұрын

Excellently said! ❤

@SoteraSuspiriorum 5 ай бұрын

For me gay loneliness occurs due to my social anxiety and introversion, I simply do not feel comfortable in crowded spaces especially full of strangers. I personally never been to a gay bar because I do not drink nor like alcohol (tastes awful and makes me feel terrible) so this spaces by default are those I avoid constantly. Meeting new people is really hard and that’s without mentioning the cesspit that is gay dating apps. Thus, my journey continues.

@DonnyWinter 5 ай бұрын

Totally understandable! Do you have any online hobby groups/circles you can meet people in? Those helped me quite a bit in the past. ❤

@SoteraSuspiriorum 5 ай бұрын

@@DonnyWinter I do have some hobbies, hopefully when I go to grad school I might meet other gays. The pain tends to come from expectations so the less I expect the more I might experience? Hopefully it does that. Gay hookup culture truly is a toxic thing imo. I bet many guys are desperately seeking intimacy and vulnerability and can only satisfy that (temporarily) through instant gratification which then becomes an addiction. Such is the way of life, I guess.

@user-wb1qo6ol4h 2 ай бұрын

In solitude, never lonely and happy since 1999. No physical friends, family, partner s*x or physical contact of any sort. Left the gay community in 1999. Never been happier enjoying life without any drama like before 1999 when we were 28 and not alone, but very lonely.

@Prince_Charmless 6 ай бұрын

I’m also gay and lonely. Subscribed 😊

@DonnyWinter 6 ай бұрын

Thank you for the support! ❤

@Retrosenescent 5 ай бұрын

Love your name

@erikpeltomaa9747 3 ай бұрын

@@DonnyWinterfor some reason gay women seem to find relationships easier than gay men do because women have been closer with each other as long as i can remember and gay women dont expect as much as gay men i have seen a lot more gay women couples than gay men couples and even though you have a relationship you can still feel lonely because you think that you dont feel so close with your boyfriend as you used to be thats my view of this .

@streamofawareness 6 ай бұрын

Trauma can feel so isolating, and when it’s something we’ve known a long time it can be scary to let it go and look beyond it. But there is something beyond it and I’m glad you’re able to see that now. I love you!❤

@DonnyWinter 6 ай бұрын

Agree completely!! Love you sweetest!

@howdyEB 3 ай бұрын

I've always felt like I never fit in anywhere, especially in the gay community. I need to be braver and put myself out there more. It's hard when you are alone and have no friends or family support system to cheer you on. I'm tired of talking to my cats and being alone all the time though. 🤣

@DonnyWinter 3 ай бұрын

It is very hard to do, but you WILL get to the point where you feel good about putting yourself out there. ❤

@howdyEB 3 ай бұрын

@@DonnyWinter Thanks 😊

@glitchessence 6 ай бұрын

You are beautiful, inside and out. The universe sees this and will grant you many blessings. ❤

@DonnyWinter 6 ай бұрын

Thank you!! Right back at you! ❤

@maximeu5221 2 ай бұрын

This really resonated with my journey I am a 26 y.o French man working in Paris. I have been going to therapy for years because I have a deep interest in psychology and understanding myself. Healing though feeling the loneliness I was avoiding for years due to my childhood as a gay person really changed the way I engage in social settings and how I engage with people. I am so much more open, able to talk about myself and I feel much more confident in the way I simply am. Thank you for your video ! :)

@DonnyWinter 2 ай бұрын

Thank you for this kind comment! I'm happy you resonate with what was said here. I think many gay men do, we just don't always share/articulate it!

@gabor_kov 9 күн бұрын

This is a huge issue in the LGBT community. Straight men are lonly, but gay men are on next level loneliness. Thank you for talking about this.

@drinks_menu 6 ай бұрын

This is a serious question so please don't take this the wrong way. I genuinely would like to know if you think you could have healed without entering a relationship. I just seriously feel like I have never heard from a gay person who talks about healing who is single. It partially frustrates me because when people talk to me about it, they seem to think I should just magically heal, but simultaneously for them relationships are used as a mechanism for healing. What I am saying is, I feel like everyone else gets the luxury to learn to love themselves via the love of others, but when I express that I want or desire that, the response I am given is "if you don't love yourself how the hell you gonna love someone else..." etc etc etc. (i find the ru paul quote reductive for a number of reasons despite ultimately agreeing with it's core meaning) I just feel like there is a plateau you can attain when you're goin at it by yourself for months/years/decades, and eventually it's just going to come down to pure luck to extend the healing process. Even with therapy, i felt like my process had plateau'd just due to the fact: if no one has ever given you an external source of love, you are going to hit that wall.

@DonnyWinter 6 ай бұрын

Oh I didn't take this the wrong way at all. If anything, it's a superb question. I'll try to answer this, but I may also do a part 2 to this video clarifying this too. Personally, I think I would have healed but it probably would have taken longer (assuming I would be in therapy in this sort of alternate reality). As gays, we often don't get to learn to love ourselves because we're never taught that at a young age. Instead, all our energy is focused on surviving and staying safe. As much as I do love Rupaul, I don't always ascripe to the "if you don't love yourself bit..." I think the reason many gays find healing upon entering a relationship is because seeing someone else's journey/trauma can act like a mirror for our own. Truthfully, I started my own healing process before entering my relationship. Through said relationship though, I learned that my trauma ran much deeper than i expected, resulting in my own need to delve in to make sense of it because it was never my partner's responsbility to figure that out for me. I realized that my own self-destructive tendencies were complicating my ability to make connections, so, that had to be figured out. At the end of the day, in my other videos, this is why I also emphasize the importance of representation in media. In those times when we're focused on staying safe/secure (at the expense of our growth in the area of love/belonging), seeing ourselves represented in media can model those behaviors and scenarios for us. Even being able to see that helps in some way. Anyway, I hope this respons made sense! Appreciate you commenting. ❤

@williethomas9953 6 ай бұрын

Gay loneliness is real. So many things have come up that often we use as an excuse not to live. There are a thousand of them the truth is we have inflicted this upon ourselves. Yeah, religious indoctrination, body issues, racial disparity, fear of AIDs, fear of violence yes those are real but they are not the problem. They are symptoms of the problem. The fact is we are ashamed and we are afraid of being different. Afraid of not being able to blend in. It's ok to be different. Different is not wrong different is not inferior. We can and should always be our best selves and most authentic. We owe that to ourselves. We owe ourselves the security of being loved by the people whom love the real us. If you lose someone then they were not a loss because they don't want the real you. It does not matter if you are 14 or 50. In the end you are who you are and other people's opinion does not change that!! Surround yourself with kind people, loving people and know you are where you belong. Be supportive to others and listen. That is true happiness being able to love others and willing to accept love, compassion, comfort empathy and support from them!!

@DonnyWinter 6 ай бұрын

Perfectly said. I think the more we're able to have these conversations, the more we're able to bridge gaps in our communities. ❤

@darth6129 Ай бұрын

I have never been successful with gay apps other than hookups, which make me feel dead inside. Only time I ever found a gay guy IRL that I clicked with, he already had a boyfriend. It seems like rarer than winning the lottery. I'm so sick of being alive.

@yacobETC 3 ай бұрын

Congrats for you. I"m very proud that you healed

@DonnyWinter 3 ай бұрын

Thank you ❤️❤️

@nigelwaters7864 6 ай бұрын

Gay lonely and old is the worst.... Especially in a gay bar.

@DonnyWinter 6 ай бұрын

-hugs- the gay bar can be so isolating when it should create belonging ♥️

@wordscapes5690 8 күн бұрын

“There is no such thing as loneliness - only high standards and low self esteem.” Sorry, not my quote, but rather interesting.

@michelletewhata7768 5 ай бұрын

With your beautiful heart, you will have no problem getting handsome guys in my country My best friend is Gay, I love him to bits We can talk, laugh have fun for hours

@DonnyWinter 5 ай бұрын

I'm glad you have this wonderful friend. ❤️ I finally found myself a good guy after all these years

@michelletewhata7768 5 ай бұрын

@@DonnyWinter beautiful, we all need that special somebody. I been in a long term relationship for 20 years, and I told my partner I’m attracted to woman. He was so understanding and accepting, we closer than ever, best friends. I am currently having a look online. Be the first for me