How my dad's dementia changed my idea of death (and life) | Beth Malone

With warmth and grace, Beth Malone tells the deeply personal story of her dad's struggle with frontotemporal lobe dementia, and how it changed how she thinks about death (and life). A moving talk about a daughter's love -- and of letting go and finding peace.
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[@wakeup_withAshley]

Had a similar situation with my grandma who had Alzheimer's. When they come back..even for a moment...you can't help but tell them you love and miss them. Miss my grandma daily. This was beautiful ❤️

[@saulmanuelpena7938]

Same with my grandfather, he would call me by my name and everyone at that moment would recognize he was back, even for those short moments we would tell him how much he meant to us. This vid hits right at home.

[@mellisasmith9185]

My dad was my hero and he passed away. You left me in tears

[@TheGerm24]

As a son of a mother with dementia this hit me hard. It is really hard seeing someone reduced to just physically surviving and not living what we normally think of as a full life.

[@ButyoucancallmeKat]

It took me a while to listen to this one. My mother has the same condition and I relate so well only my mother and I are still incredibly young. She is 65 and I am 27. My family lives in the same city but have told me that "it's too hard to see her" so I am taking care of my mother with my sister who lives in NYC. It is a trial everyday to not feel like this woman who is certainly not my mother anymore is not a weight on my life. It's taken a long time but I think that like this talk there is no resolution in this disease. There are only the good days where my mother is there and bad days when she is not. This Ted talk really hit home for me.

[@twentytwocoffeebeans]

Xx with you xx

[@faiza7533]

Very well delivered. Had me in tears by the end of it.

[@leerabhi]

Faiza same

[@Watchugoton]

This hits home with almost every family these last ten years but it’s the ones that care for them and live with them that really suffer the most.

[@whaleshark4261]

I'd honestly rather die than get old and have a slow and painful death or have my brain rot away with dementia.

[@vulcanfeline]

everytime i see some show like criminal minds and they tell the family about the death and they ask, "did she suffer?" i feel like screaming, ya but not as much as grama did for 3 yrs in the nursing home!!!

[@CherrySquishee]

I struggled with my father who passed away recently due to cancer, as we only had a couple of months to deal with it... When my grandparents had alzheimers, I struggled with it harder as I felt like I saw them die every day. I'm just glad they are suffering no more.

[@Rhobae]

I gave my grandma a stuffed puppy before she died… I couldn’t be there with her. But it gave her something soft for her to touch. 💔❤️‍🩹

[@jim42059]

Same with me. I so vividly remember the last time my grandfather was lucid. It was an amazing moment I will always be grateful for.

[@joshysameera98]

How can some people leave us speechless? 😭😭💛💛💛💛

[@aboal3z796]

Sameera Joshy سميره ؟

[@Tsukiko.97]

"In the year 2020 you'll be 70 years old". - Robin Williams.

[@rainepanda]

this hurts so much to hear because my own dad will slip into his huntington's disease in the next 10 years. he already can't drive well enough anymore.. i'm not ready. i don't know how people cope.. i hope i can be as strong and positive as her

[@pennymac16]

I'm no expert by any means, neither medically nor emotionally. But my opinion right now is this: I think detachment may be the only effective thing to do to protect yourself. Not that you don't need to care about someone anymore (not at all), just that you may want to accept that the person (and their life) does not belong to you, is only part of you so far as you let them. I'm not very good at expressing myself so I don't know if this helps. But I tried.

[@noellealexander2908]

and im a ball of tears, my father has dementia and although it's not as bad as her fathers .. all the emotions she felt ..been there. i love him so much.

[@renukaverma6919]

This has helped me confirm my recent realisation with my Papa - thank you 🙏🏽 😥

[@heatherofthemountains]

My didn't have Alzheimer's. However, he did just go to sleep one day, after je broke his hip, and didn't want to wake up. Or, just didn't. Until one day, he did. I was there. Caring for him do my sister could take a break. He said he needed to talk to me. But i could tell he was falling asleep. He needed to rest. So, i said, "we'll talk more when you wake up from your rest." He never woke up again. This is something I still struggle with almost 11 years later. Thank you. 💙😢

[@masongoss4615]

So much of this correlates with my experience. We lost my father almost 10 years ago to Parkinsons with Lewy Bodies. Thank you for sharing.

[@mixueer]

My mother has Alzheimer's. Thank you for your words Beth. My late uncle had the same kind of Alzheimer's as your Dad so I get some of what you're going through...

[@GustAdlph]

Hi mixueer, my husband died in June after a long struggle with Alzheimer's & it is a horrible disease. I had told him what to say when he gets to the pearly gates and God asks why he should let him into heaven: "Because you Son died for me, and he forgives me all my sins, and he will welcome me with open arms." I know where my husband is and I will see him there, but am still not looking forward to Christmas without him.

[@JosephM]

This is something to think about. Thanks!

[@JayByrd2011]

I completely can relate as my mom passed away in October from Alzheimer's. The last few years have been a mixed bag of memories, and I miss her. Terribly.

[@dudsis5535]

Strong That hurts but When Did finally let go and I saw your relief. Knowing they're in a better place and Knowing that she's gone, you relax and not worry about. Trying to help them have a better experience before. Thank you, though we are comfortable when they do that. I saw your relieve tired like you want to rest.

[@venkybandi2850]

Nice videos to motivate life understanding and everything. Good channel

[@chiruboy23]

This video is nothing to do with euthanasia.She was expressing her feelings for her dad and her coping with his dementia .It is a devastating disease and it drastically changes the life of the patients and their family members . Family members get stressed and frustrated when they see the cognitive and physical decline of their loved ones. It totally robs the patient's personality.However her speech was message of love and hope for people dealing with this condition ( patient, family members and caregivers) .Thank you so much for speaking about it!

[@carolferguson5467]

Wow your Father must be so incredible proud of the Women he raised

[@vivian131313]

Never leave your parents , we are responsable for them, as they were for us !The only thing what we can do is : Love love and love !

[@bryanfregoso4903]

Tough crowd! Great talk, I can't say what I would do but I'm sure my father would like to die because it is not quality life; it's quantity that he would not like. I feel the same as him too but ya I'm sure everyone has their opinions and we can't know for certain how we would like to live, given the chance to live longer. Hope you and your family pull through!

[@hafsaalkaa8453]

This is a very moving story !

[@ninjaman2254]

Very nice story. Very nice young lady. God bless you and you’re farther 🙏

[@mpoppins1528]

Thanks for this. My parents (in 80's) have an alzeimers friend. She gets a lift to bowls with her friends but can't remember how to play, steals purses and argues that they are hers, and burnt herself with the hot water and rings my parents and others 10 times a day asking the same things Luckily locals know her well but she got lost in a large town the other day on her own looking for her car. Her doctor took her car off her - I'm in disbelief that her family and doctor let her walk around alone. One day it could be them. At the same time locking them up in a strange place will cause them to deteriorate faster.

[@FunkyPrince]

3:15 from the Jackson Bird talk, she is there!

[@Larstig81]

My mother has the same disease, started two and half years ago. She still living with my father in their home. She has changed a lot, but I support her and my dad to the end. My brothers can't deal with this, I wish they could. I live in the Netherlands, and my mother goes to a zorgboerderij, in English a care-farm I think if this word exists. A place/farm where people like her to have a nice day to spend. She likes it a lot. I could write more, but my English is not that great. :) Beth, I really liked your talk. But I have a question about your father, is he also restless?

[@lindagarcia8826]

Hi Lars, I just lost my Mom in this April from FTD. She lived with me and I cared for her. I have lost a piece of my Mom, a piece of me, my best friend. Dementia I suppose in any form is horrible. My family kept my Mom full with love and attention and that seemed to help alot to keep her moods even, plus holding a baby doll and giving my Mom lots of love with hugs and kisses. But I guess each person is different. I pray the best for your family. Linda in Texas USA.

[@mhtinla]

When my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I was glad that I didn't grow up in a loving family. My siblings and I just handled the situation responsibly and business-like. There's inconvenience of course, but I didn't feel sad or hurt. I was lucky.

[@jacklonghearse9821]

mhtinla There's pros and cons to everything. You finally found your pro. :)

[@peggyharris3815]

There are advantages to growing up in a dysfunctional family. It definitely relieves the pain of their parting.

[@avahampton6612]

Her story is so similar to my grandfathers story

[@frankvarner9599]

If I ever am unable to care for myself or know anyone, I pray by all the gods that were, are, or will be, LET ME GO.

[@TodorAdventures]

Life is paradox we live to die.

[@FunkyPrince]

It is a paradox just cause we think of living as the opposite of dying.

[@MindlessTube]

its not a paradox its a cycle. There is no death as energy can not be created or destroyed.

[@FunkyPrince]

Yeah, I said we think of it as a paradox, but indeed there's no any paradox in the universe.

[@TodorAdventures]

we eat slightly dodgy Asian food to have explosive diarrhoea. we exactly do this because of instinct for life (food)

[@heroahmed6943]

the meaning of life : kzbin.info/www/bejne/bZWUZ3amjNVgpc0

[@jonasex3001]

that was intense...

[@DIYSolarandWind]

That's quite a story

[@conthegreatgrapeape]

I can tell she hasn't witnessed half the meaningless suffering I have, and my mind is thoroughly in favor of euthanasia. Its selfishness to keep loved ones alive past a certain point. I have had people beg me for death in a rare lucid moment. That is a remarkable experience. Loved ones delude themselves to avoid the harshness of it all. I of coarse am impotent to do anything but provide what comforts I am able. Its ironic how the tender feeling of loved ones help perpetuate torture, but they do. Worse still are those estranged and discarded by family. They tend to go through deep depression. Its not pretty. The war against bodily health is typically long lost, but the war against depression is constantly raging. Its why I consider my greatest asset my sense of humor, and I get residents to laugh often. If you can get a resident to laugh at their own absurd lifestyle, your really bringing the thunder as far as humor goes. Then just comes genuine compassion. I don't need to fake it. I think her story resulted in complacency. I am not sure what I was supposed to take from her story besides her realization that she would not, and could not do anything for her father besides watch his decline into madness and prolonged suffering. The fact is that our culture is unable to deal with suffering and death.

[@cavv0667]

Big Hugs!... Big Hugs!... Big Hugs! thank you.

[@lovelybaby517]

so true

[@doblerollo7952]

Very well said. I have worked in a residence and I've seen what the real 24h of a person in that situation look like, and it's not pretty at all. We as humans need to see that meaningless suffering has never been necessary, and nowadays with modern medicine it is so easy to just go peacefully and stop torturing our beloved ones. No one deserves to live in a vessel as she said, but a vessel that's painful and degrading, and becomes more of both every single day.

[@grokker99]

Tybalt Ambrose I can tell u havent had to witness your mother or father go thru this. Its a different type of suffering.

[@conthegreatgrapeape]

The Irony there is that modern medicine is keeping people alive long past the point that there is any pleasure to be had in living, in many cases. Most people who get to the point that they loathe living, have crossed that line. They would have died perhaps years ago if they were not substantially supported through a cocktail of medicines and around the clock full care. If that is something people want then so be it, but if they want to be let go, that should also be provided. Let them slip into a warm sleep and pass on that way rather than the long protracted painful decline I have seen. Completely voluntary of coarse, and an agreement by them before a decent into dementia. When they reach a certain point specified by them, they be given a lethal injection that painlessly allows them to sleep and then pass away. The point is I don't really want people begging to be let go, being kept alive against their will.

[@Ndo01]

Brave girl

[@miola2083]

So good, thank you.

[@imfromchina.4048]

She is beautiful.

[@Tht1kidYouKnw]

interesting. it makes me think how bad things start happening once we're around 60 years of age. im not sure how old my father is but i think he's around 50 something. he has diabetes but besides that he is normal physically and mentally. but it makes me think how he's getting old and around that age where more bad things start to happen

[@vulcanfeline]

when i was in my 40s, i had a friend who said, "everything over 50 is a bonus". when we both hit 50 i asked him, "you still think this is a bonus?" and now i'm over 60 and feeling like this is less and less of a bonus

[@Tht1kidYouKnw]

damn

[@crownofall]

You know saying a lot of problems with aging, seen people paralyzed, body shrivel away. I seen The locked in syndrome, where you can see that the person is just as normal as ever but has no way of getting any of the thoughts out. No of all of the things that can happen losing my mind is not on the top of the list of things that worry me. yes it would be frustrating to forget things at least until you got to the point that you didn't know you forgot. It frustrates me now when there's something I can't remember. Such things are more problem for the people that care about the ones having the problem. Yes personally I hope that I can live and be healthy until the day that I die simply go to sleep and never wake up again but not many people are that lucky. Well that is just my personal feelings on the matter as pertaining to me and my life

[@therealmari]

i may have a problem, I did not get it...

[@acerosaurus]

Mari Rosas oh, man. I thought I'm the only one. Did she change her mind about euthanizing his dad or something? What's the point of this story?

[@fahed2k]

I think this related to E in TED? Maybe... I am confused too!

[@TheGerm24]

As someone living a similar experience with a parent, I think she just wanted to share her personal story. It isn't easy to explain seeing your parents become helpless.

[@dhendry71]

heres what i took from it, people think your life becomes worth nothing once you lose productivity, but it doesnt, you have people who love you

[@chandlerbing700]

She is so pretty ..i hope she is a good person...

[@chandlerbing700]

CHAIN2 good person always....

[@tommyjohn956]

What is her point?

[@geraldmerkowitz4360]

Well utlimately she didn't made a choice. His father was still having moments, able to make decisions for himself. I wish she told us how did she made a choice, a final choice, without ever having the spark of life his father had, having to make an absolute decision without ever being able to ask him. Though, good for her she never had to. That was intense.

[@gunjantiwari8403]

😢😢😢😢

[@skripnigor]

Maybe I am stupid but I didn't get the message.

[@DorianMattar]

+Jakob D No you’re not. She really didn’t do much with the situation, she simply let it be.

[@phucuongle1935]

come on girl.

[@DorianMattar]

If I find out I have this type of disease, I’ll get my things in order and take a flight to a country where they can put me to sleep.

[@betulucan9642]

I m cry😭😭😭😭😭

[@writerconsidered]

More confusing than anything, she plays the typical glib over the top opening for attention. Her emotions bounce all over the place. Then at the end leaves an open ended conclusion for interpretation.

[@TheGerm24]

Welcome to life. There are no easy answers especially around end-of-life issues.

[@Alejanci]

Onion cutting Ninjas everywhere!

[@sahithmocharla5941]

eighth

[@Fatiait2905]

We need to rethink our dying experience and it doesn't matter how old you are to do that. If you believe that it is time to change the way we prepare for death, join the movement facebook death movement uk @t

[@diogeneslantern18]

Looks like Eleven from stranger thangs

[@SoHochWieNie]

... but her voice sounds like from a Demogorgon.

[@alasawinters786]

This chick is an actress.

[@nikoloncar1708]

665 likes and 68 dislikes.... One more either way...

[@zanetaylor7901]

Post's more mature sister

[@lauram3247]

Such a beautiful and moving story, unfortunately, the delivery seemed disingenuous and forced, so she completely lost me.

[@emilysmith2965]

You know, I wanted to be really mean and angry toward you for saying something so hideous… but really, I’m just sad that you don’t understand what it’s like to have feelings.

[@RoxGirl88]

I don't like Euthanasia at all!

[@Hugo-jq1qx]

your daddy is 44

[@devinward461]

Hugo Peippo quick maths

[@hqcart1]

wtf is hacienda???

[@kayseosman1945]

Villa

[@Yarshy.]

An estate.

[@tmalonso]

a "productive" estate ;)

[@crownofall]

Just think house

[@JohnPavilonis]

Both of my parents have dementia. They aren't that bad yet, but you can see the degradation. I told them when they get bad I'm going to let them go in the back yard with a 5 minuite lead before I chase them down with the shotgun. ;-)

[@FunkyPrince]

You have to do better if you want to trigger ;)

[@JohnPavilonis]

I've actually told them this, but it's obviously in jest!

[@TheMrfrodough]

What does this have to do with ted exactly? Technology entertainment design.

[@Matt-yx5st]

TheMrfrodough entertainment I guess :)

[@TheMrfrodough]

Caleb ya i dont think a story about a parents mental suffering is entertainment to most people.....

[@thenonexistinghero]

TheMrfrodough I laughed.

[@The678error]

well, it was not boring, so

[@user-rh8hi4ph4b]

Why do people always feel like they get to decide on TED's content? TED is _not_ a public organization. You have no say in choice of topics. End of story. To answer your question: This talk fits TED's spectrum because the owners/organizers/etc said so.

[@mauriciogerhardt3209]

TED (Technology, Entertainment, Design). This falls under what?

[@AManWithaWoodenleg2]

*wahhhhhh! 😢”

[@crimes]

She reminds me of Sarah Silvermann.

[@urbahurba]

Second

[@keerthan077]

Third

[@stuartrideruk]

First

[@stuartrideruk]

Yeah

[@alexismandelias]

12stonesfuel100 why did you post that twice?

[@aviok]

Something is really wrong with the delivery of the story. We watch ted videos to learn something whereas in this video the meaning is very powerful but it's not a comedy show. I think that it would have been better if simply she would have just shown her true emotion. She is smiling while it looks she is about to cry. She is trying hard to make the audience laugh. Why? You just ruined it.

[@emilysmith2965]

Can everyone just LAY OFF her?! TED Talks create a lot of strange pressure and nobody knows how to do them “right” because they’re new. Nerves, excessive practice, trying to box up a life experience in seven digestible minutes… I don’t think it’s fair to take that reality and conclude “this is so fake.”

[@theID2]

this was a well thought out act. thumbs down

[@nunomagalhaes38]

I stop to watch at 01:24 ....

[@ashishbisht8412]

Nuno magalhães hahahhahah aja. Nice one

[@gman123god]

Dementiain in my term is when your hard dive is full. reamber not to rember everything

[@devinward461]

Francis Hewitt we're not just computers. There are physical factors and the information present decreases, not just maxes out

[@gman123god]

dO YOU HAVE PROOF next you going to say that the earth is round.

[@WIZARDWERX]

IT IS ABOUT MONEY

[@devinward461]

WIZARDWERX what is?

[@TheReyber1992]

I don't know if it is acting or that she is genuinely emotionally unstable

[@pennymac16]

What do you mean, unstable? These are totally normal and understandable emotional experiences. o.O

[@haudace]

Yeah she seems to change her mind at any moment whim. This is not evidence of a structured mind.

[@devinward461]

reyber turgut maybe this is just really traumatic to go through for anybody

[@TheReyber1992]

Devin Ward of course its traumatic I agree

[@TheReyber1992]

pennymac16 she changes her emotional expressions in seconds during her talk, thus unstable

[@BLXDE-RXNNER]

dam her joking about him overdosing on heroin. id fight till the bitter end if id b her like my cousin dying from luekemia. fight for them even when others are weak never give in!!!

[@junebay5265]

Kahner Adams Have you ever had a loved one with Dementia or Alzheimer’s? It is quite a different thing whether one’s body or mind is dying. Usually people who have cancer stay sane, are able to communicate and love. When one has Dementia or Alzheimer’s it can totally change their personality. They can become very dangerous to themselves and to others. Many times they can’t remember anything or anyone. The person you love so much doesn’t remeber you and might even hurt you with words or physically. They can become so dangerously aggressive they could kill others. They can get to a point where they’re like tortured caged animals. It is horrible, absolutely horrible. So it is totally understandable to think whether it’d be better to set the person free from their decaying mind and body. Whether it is morally right or wrong to do is a different story but one shouldn’t judge others for having these thoughts. Especially those who haven’t gone through the same dreadful experience.

[@MrMongo321]

This is the best talks given in a long time! very poignant!

[@natnat7064]

#FreePalestine 💔